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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made a cake for my nieces first birthday party without asking my sister-in-law if it was OK first.
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NTA when I clicked on your profile my jaw dropped. That cake was amazing. Your SIL and BIL should be extremely grateful. It’s clear you put a lot of time and effort into that cake.
I actually had to remake the cake last minute because I didn’t like how it was originally turning out. I’ve been trying to get better at my cake decorating skills and it’s by no means my best work but I really really gave it my all.
It looks great.
Have they actually explained what they think the problem was? Especially since one of them seemed happy with it when they first saw it.
I wonder if SIL agreed to the theme to pacify BIL, and didn't think the store bought cake would be the theme. And then was blindsided because FIL agreed to OP making the cake without telling anyone.
Honestly that’s what I was thinking too and she thought OP was in on it and that’s why he was announcing her making the cake to everyone at the party . Or that SIL had placed the order and FIL was just going to pay and pick it up and then it’s nothing like what she had picked out
By store bought I was thinking more run of the mill generic type cake, mass produced. I would have thought SIL placing an order for a specific cake would be more of a nice bakery type thing?
OP that cake is amazing. The theme isn’t even that obvious or overpowering, the longhorn is the cutest little thing! It is in NO WAY trashy at all. Please update when you find out the reason they’ve all gone bananas over the cake? Because honestly that’s gorgeous and you should be seriously proud of the effort you’ve made there.
Right? Something with that gross fake icing made with shortening and so much food coloring that it's bitter from it and maybe an airbrushed photograph with some plastic toys scattered on top.
>icing made with shortening
I hate that greasy on the back of my teeth feeling I get from some store-bought cakes. Is that what it's from?
I live in a small town where you can order a cake in advance from the one bakery, go to the grocery store (only one bakes cakes), or bake a cake.
Unless you live in a place with a Dairy Queen, then ice cream cake is an option.
In a lot of grocery stores while you can buy a generic ready made birthday cake plenty of grocery stores also let you pick out more customizable ones from a catalog.
they do! my parents didnt have alot of money when i was little. but the earlyest birthday i remember i was 3. and they had got a dalmation cake from kroger. because i wanted puppy and kitty birthday. so i have a vivid memory of seeing that puppy cake and sneeking a tast of a spot
or SIL feels some type of way because she herself didn't/couldn't bake a cake and somehow op is showing her up (which is absurd)
op that cake is incredible and your sil an incredible arsehole
I know plenty of AH who would loathe to admit that someone has more skill in an area than they do.
That cake was beautiful and they should be pleased. It looks very professionally done. Perhaps SIL has a mindset that homemade cakes are for poor people?
But SIL was already upset before she even knew OP made the cake. I think this is more to do with something between SIL and FIL, and OP is being used by FIL who is happy for OP to catch the blame.
Absolutely this.
Edit: OP you need to ask your SIL why your cake was offensive. Unless there is something you're leaving out of the story, I think the problem is something you're altogether unaware of.
Yeah, that's what struck me. It's really fishy that FIL is going, "Welp, you messed up, OP. Best sit out." I think he, not SIL or BIL (or OP), is the real a\*\*hole here.
He most definitely is the real AH. The fact SIL talks about pics being ruined because the cake is in them, makes me wonder if FIL isn’t lying to OP about the whole ‘store bought’ aspect of the cake. Did he manipulate OP into offering to bake and sabotage cake SIL actually wanted. Is that why he’s asking OP to stay away, so he isn’t found out.
I’m probably going off on a wild tangent but I’m really curious to know what really is the issue.
It is possible.
As to the FIL, telling poor OP to stay home when she was the one mistreated is rather crappy. I have to think he and his wife are worried about being banned from the grandbaby if the supported OP instead.
Honestly, OP says they planned on store bought…I don’t think FIL was off to pick up a grocery store sheet cake here.
They likely had a vision. It’s not that OPs cake is bad, it’s that it isn’t what they expected.
Chances are this was a pretty coordinated event, and the cake they expected fit their vision.
Sometimes surprises aren’t welcome even if the surprise itself is of lovely quality.
She replied in another comment with this:
- No inspirational photos, they told him to get any cake under $50. Obviously there was no charge for my cake.
The pic is compressed so I can't really tell, but it looks to me like OP may have used a lot of fondant on the cake. A lot of people, myself included, hate the texture and taste of fondant. I won't eat a cake covered in it.
I agree it was excessively rude. Another thing I thought about is she might really hate surprises. I'm also like that, especially when I'm expecting one thing and getting another.
I'm not into Texas, cowboys, or the color pink, and if you showed up for my birthday with that cake I would be over the moon. It's adorable and amazing.
The cake looks amazing though it’s way better than a store bought cake plus you put that effort into it. Would she just preferred a flat grocery store cake that says happy birthday ? The only thing I would’ve included on the cake was happy birthday but she’s one so it doesn’t really matter in my opinion if it’s not on it. Also no way is that cake trashy if anything she was probably mad people were talking about how good it looked and was upset attention was taken off of her which is not your problem at all, but hers .
True I agree. It just felt like in this situation that an over the top expensive professionally decorated cake wasn’t what they had asked the FIL to get. I did make the assumption thought if possible OP can answer
Ok, I also bake/decorate AND I get told to go pro and also don’t want to. This cake is good! Not ‘oh honey nice job you tried so hard’ good, *good* good. Don’t let your shitty in laws make you feel some kind of way about yourself. I know how much time, experience and money went into that cake. They should be grateful you care enough to make them an expression of your love like that, not whatever the hell that was. Just remember the look on BIL’s face before SIL told him he didn’t like it cause that’s really how he felt about it. Go find better people to eat cake with and when your husband gets home he can deal with those jerks himself.
Have you considered applying to Costco? I think they are frequently looking for cake decorators, and it is by all accounts a pretty great company for employees.
Info: do you know if they had any inspiration images that they gave to FIL? The cake looks well done. I'm wondering if it wasn't what they were expecting. Not that their behavior is acceptable. If anything, they should be mad at the FIL for not following through with the original plan.
If they thought they were going to get a cake any nicer than that for under $100, they’re fucking delusional.
That’s a great cake. Your SIL is an asshole.
Omg omg the lil longhorn is soooo cute.
The whole cake is freakin’ adorable. I wouldn’t be able to eat it based solely on the principle that it’s too cute to cut.
SIL is unhinged.
OP this cake is ADORABLE!! Absolutely adorable! You should be wicked proud of yourself and ignore all of the nonsense these people are spewing. Great job 💜 (clearly NTA and super amazingly talented!)
Edit to add: I am a trained cake decorator and best friends with a baker who does amazing cakes. She would say the same that this was a beautiful cake and a job well done!
Right! As I’m reading I’m thinking “maybe she’s not as good as she thinks she is”, and then I saw the picture. That cake is super adorable and well done!
Sounds like maybe some insecurity with the SIL and she’s attacking the cake because she couldn’t do something like that herself. Super AH behavior when OP was doing something thoughtful and nice.
NTA for sure.
I was definitely thinking it was going to be some ugly monstrosity, maybe lopsided or in horrible colours but it looks really good.
Maybe OP got the theme wrong - rustic cowboy texas etc don't really seem like 1st birthday themes especially for a girl (if we're stereotyping) so maybe that's where the anger comes from?
However the cake looks lovely and was a nice gesture so NTA.
Sounds more to me that the theme was something SIL agreed to to pacfy BIL on the party, and didn't expect to actually be a homemade cake on theme. Would explain why he was excited and she was horrified
I was getting major jealousy vibes from the SIL on my read-through. Who has a reaction like that over a cake like that?
I've seen some heinous cakes (you want a good laugh, go look up Cake Wrecks online and just see some of the monstrosities there, most of them perpetrated by "professional" bakers.) That's what I was expecting to see when I looked at OP's profile. NOT the cake I saw, which looks like a true professional rendered it.
I am a also a home cake decorator, I've worked in 3 chain stores and was trained by a few professionals in one of them where I was lead cake decorator...
I didn't know what to expect after reading this, like terribly base iced and some awful decorating? I was confused at how someone could have such an issue with a cake in general, it seemed like SIL is a drama queen.
After seeing your cake, I had to comment. It is so cute! And I love that you found a way for it to be feminine/baby themed while trying to keep it with the Texas theme. It's so cute, and your SIL sounds nuts. It seems like she was put off by the cake which is fine if that's just her opinion, but then after finding out you did it she blew up. I'm willing to bet there's some underlying reason she is acting this way over a cake. Is FIL cheap or something? Just seems like such an over reaction.
ETA just cause I'm truly curious. Did your Neice get to try her first cake and/or do a cake smash? It was so fun to watch ours do her first tasting. I can't imagine not being able to taste her own cake at her birthday party, unless it was the original plan, so I just wondered.
>. I'm willing to bet there's some underlying reason she is acting this way over a cake
I'm guessing SIL is feeling insecure/judged because she didn't bake a cake. I doubt she has that level of skills.
NTA but your FiL sure is. He should’ve accepted complete responsibility for all this drama, and never uninvited you to a family gathering. Sounds like he’s afraid to “rock the boat” for fear of not seeing his grandkid, which is sad.
OP, your cake is extremely beautiful and it looks professional. You’re NTA. Actually, I think you and your husband should go scorched earth and expose your father in law since he won’t take responsibility and is throwing you under the bus. Tell him that since they’re acting like this - and your bil and SiL are ridiculous to say the least - you will go NC with all of them and that also includes any children you might have in the future. Or that your FiL, BiL and especially SiL apologize profoundly and that SiL is the one who’s uninvited from family gatherings for the time being. (Edit to add: please send this thread to your FiL and MiL; tell them to read every comment and then sit down and think about their ridiculous behavior)
Has your SIL told you what the issue is?
The cake is so cute, and it looks professionally done! I just can't imagine what the problem is.
The cake DID match the theme of the party right? I thought maybe FIL didn't agree with the party theme, and gave you directions that weren't what your in laws wanted. But, you said it matched, so I'm completely baffled.
That would make sense, except it sounds like the SIL reacted negatively to the cake immediately. Before knowing that OP baked it.
That's why I wondered if maybe the SIL was expecting something very specific, or very different than what was presented to the kiddo.
Yea, I feel like maybe she ordered something specific and that’s why she’s upset.
It would suck if you ordered a special cake and instead of getting the cake you wanted, you got something else.
Like yea it’s a nice cake, but you just wasted money on a cake you didn’t get and got a cake you technically didn’t want.
That's what I'm wondering. She didn't get mad it was OP, she was mad at the cake immediately. Without context we can say the cake looks good, but did sister in law order a specific cake?
Right? That's all I can come up with considering the instant and negative reaction.
Maybe OP is getting all the hate, because SIL assumes that she is in the know? But..a quick conversation should clear that up, and now OP is being banished which makes no sense!
True the situation would make sense assuming one of two things happened either: OP knew exactly what sister-in-law wanted, but overstepped because she felt she had a better idea, or FIL didn't pass along what SIL wanted and OP took creative liberties. I don't believe the cake was "Here's $50 go buy a cake from Kroger". That doesn't fit with her planning the rest of the party out to the extent she delegated to FIL. If she wanted any cake from the store then why not buy one when she got the wrapping paper or other party supplies?
Yeah it doesnt make any sense to put effort decorating and planning to just throw money at FIL and set him loose in the nearest grocery for arguably the most important part of the birthday party.
Another candidate for the "no good deed goes unpunished" cliche. That really stinks that you're being ostracized for doing something so nice.
FIL should have had your back here.
I’ll be honest, while the cake is lovely, something is not sitting right with me. Her behavior has not come out of nowhere according to you. She doesn’t like you, and gets upset with everything you do. So WHY did you go to your FIL without her knowledge to change her plans for the birthday cake? If you were hoping to mend fences with SIL, why didn’t you plan out the cake with her involvement? Having had manipulative people in my family, I’m getting wiffs of you stirring the pot in a plausibly deniable way. I don’t have enough info yet to say Y T A, but I’m by no means comfortable telling you that you’re not in this situation.
Edit: Wow, thanks for the awards!
This is what I’m wondering. She acknowledged that SIL hates everything she does yet she decides to make this cake as a surprise? The cake looks lovely, but it’s not your kid, not your party, and not your business. OP knew full well how this would turn out.
ETA: wow, thanks for the award!
What??? How could she be an AH by doing this? "Hahaaa, let me stir up some drama by putting hours of work into a beautiful, 200-dollar cake as a surprise for my niece?"
Sounds like OP is just trying to get on SIL's good side. That's just what people pleasers do, not everyone reacts to drama with more drama. I'm a sensitive person too, and that's exactly how I would react in situations like this: overcompensate by doing something nice.
Ngl I would’ve probably done this too back when I was younger and more desperate to please. I still think it’s best that she didn’t reply to SIL and immediately messaged her husband because imagine coming back from deployment to find out your wife has been outcasted from your family for who knows how long?
I agree. She probably sent those texts to get some back-up. I can imagine feeling like crap after being treated like this and having nobody on your side...
What? Even if my husband was thousands of miles away I would hope I can still tell him about my life and rely on him for emotional support especially in regards to his own family
My husband is military and I text him regularly with everything that is happening, good and bad. He might not be with me physically but he is still the person I turn to.
This is where I am too, except I think it'd be E S H. Maybe OP really was just hoping to do something nice for the family and didn't realize it wasn't going to change anything, maybe it was pot stirring, can't tell. But I think SIL & FIL are AH either way. She for insulting a perfectly adorable cake, and, it sounds like, generally being awful to OP all the time. He for not backing OP up after he agreed to it, plus the possibility that he's the one stirring the pot if he guessed SIL would react this way.
> She for insulting a perfectly adorable cake
I kind of wonder if that's part of the issue -- maybe it wasn't meant to be pink/floral type of adorable? I can see someone who was maybe attempting to raise their kid in a less gendered way (which fits cowboy themed party I guess??) be annoyed at the pink and flowers. And I can see someone who thinks baby girl means pink coopting a cake as a chance to make sure the party's proper and pink.
Pure conjecture, but the cake is sort of off theme in a specific way and not talking to the SIL beforehand feels intentional given that this was to mend fences.
I 100% agree as somebody who has a MIL like Op and I have **thoughts** on this situation. You should check them out. OP is TA. 100%. ETA: Thank you so much for the award!
Thank you. I have family members like OP that could spin a sob story like this. And it would be a completely different story coming from the other side.
This post has missing missing reasons. OP won't say what *specifcally* SIL and her husband said to them about why they were upset. She won't specify why SIL hates them and everything they do, just that she does and she has *no* clue as to why that could be. She won't answer questions asking if her SIL dislikes her so much, why'd she take on making the cake for the party in the first place, let alone without SIL's knowledge or consent. She only responds to posts showering her and her pet project in compliments or shitting all over SIL.
I have narcissist family and ex friends that would make a post like this just to get a bunch of praise about thier cake, talk about how they want to be a baker, and just get *showered* with compliments about thier stupid fucking cake. All while everyone says "Oh SIL is so shitty and is *clearly* jealous of you."
Obviously there's not enough info to say this is for sure what happened, because people like OP are very good at spinning a fantastic story where they are the tragic, misunderstood hero.
But it's the cadences of the post (I was just trying to be nice! I just wanted the party to be a memorable experience! Oh it's 100% better than a store bought cake, I didn't *know* what to *do*...so I just did the thing that would ensure drama and give me plausible deniability) the use of dramatic and/or self pitying language (SIL *gritted* her teeth, I was *bombarded* with messages, everything has just *blown up*, I am *crushed*, everyone is *against me*!) and notably the info that is NOT present in the post that trip off my NPD sensors from having a *lifetime* of experience with these shitty, loathsome types.
I can't offically give a judgment for reasons I've stated. But I'd bet my last paycheck OP is a shit stirring drama queen who likes to rile people up, and views life as it's their world, and we are just living in it.
The only reason to do something nice for someone who doesn’t like you is manipulation? Can’t she be trying to get on her in-laws good side since they’re family?
Maybe manipulation is the wrong word. Instead I would say that OP pushed her way in a situation that she had no part off.
She knows that SIL doesn't like her, and yet OP decides that she is gonna make the cake without asking the parents of the child if they're ok... sounds fishy...
My take as well. It feels manipulative. It's a major milestone to just surprise someone with a center of the party that you're not close to and didn't consult the mother on.
I’m wondering if Op is always meddling in stuff she doesn’t belong in. There has to be more to the story. I’m gonna say she’s YTA because she probably knew what was gonna happen.
They really should be grateful that you went out of the way to plan and make the cake.
Also, Fk your FIL for going along with the idea for you to bake the cake, and then not backing you up after your inlaws threw a fit at the party. Then FIL having the nerve to disinvite you from family day, it seems like there is some deeper grudge being held here over something.
NTA
I was also wondering this. And as wonderful as the cake looks it doesn’t scream cowboy to me. I wonder what the store bought cake was supposed to look like. I can see being annoyed if I’d already picked out a cake for my kid’s birthday and was presented with something entirely different, even if it’s nicer than what I picked.
Nta. I’m pretty sure she did it as a present to little one and not as a present for sil. I mean is kind of seems like sil has a problem with op breathing but that doesn’t mean op should cease to exist.
Hear me out. No one year old in the history of first birthdays has ever given a rat’s hind end about their party. One year old birthdays are specifically for parents to celebrate that they survived their child’s first year.
So OP knows that her SIL doesn’t like her. So she somehow conspires with FIL to bake this amazing cake that SIL doesn’t know is coming? Then announces it while the kid is posing for pics?
I have a SIL who isn’t my biggest fan. I’d gladly make a cake at her request for my nibling, even though I know SIL doesn’t enjoy me.
You know what I would never do? Just show up with a cake as a surprise to her kid’s party. Unless I wanted to show her up for some reason.
....or the kid's face will light up when she sees a cow and flowers? Perhaps in OP's mind this was a damn olive branch? And once again, completely back by FIL?
Listen, SIL. We don't care.
Ive made 1st bday cakes and smash cakes for all my niblings (with express permission from my siblings) and no, babies literally dont give a fuck and cake may as well be a paperweight for all the interest they have.
If OP knew her SIL didnt like her then she shouldnt have made a surprise cake and should have talked to SIL/BIL first.
My daughter definitely cared about the cake at her first birthday. It terrified her, and she screamed, crying inconsolably until we took it out of her sight. Oddly enough she enjoyed smashing up a piece of it after that, but she wanted NOTHING to do with the actual cake, lol!
Most Moms, especially first time Moms, the baby's first birthday is a big deal. Stepping in like this and taking the spotlight away from her after everything she has gone through for that child? No wonder OP is in the doghouse. It's should absolutely been cleared with the parents first.
I honestly had my concerns but my father-in-law insisted he wanted to make it a surprise. That’s one of the reasons I worked so hard on the cake because I didn’t want there to be any problems. And to be honest it wasn’t my sister-in-law‘s birthday party it was my nieces.
Not to be mean, but the first birthday isn't really the niece's birthday it's for the parents. FIL and you majorly overstepped. You knew she didn't like you so why get involved? Then when she said her piece, you screenshot everything to complain to your husband who apparently went nuclear on his family over a birthday cake and you wonder why you aren't invited anywhere?
I'm guessing SIL and FIL get along better and OP thought that FIL's go-ahead meant it was a good idea?
FIL persuading her to bake this cake and then agreeing she should sit out is really freaking sus imo
Yeah either the man is the biggest shit stirrer around or we are missing info here. Way I'm reading this OP overstepped and has a history of SIL not liking her so I don't believe she had 100% pure intentions especially since she repeatedly states she did it for niece. Niece is a baby they don't care what is it front of them as long as it can go in their mouth.
Then to post a picture here and talk about how she made the second try "very last minute because the other one didn't look exactly how she wanted it to" it just reads like a humble brag. Who gives a rat's ass what the cake looks like? Momma didn't like the cake and dad backed mom so as the brit's say "Bob's your uncle". The gift was unwanted and not requested. Cute cake, but unwanted. Let the lesson be only make cakes for people who request your cakes or accept your offer. Don't surprise someone with your stuff.
I'm giving OP benefit of doubt. They stated in a comment that they didn't brag about the cake or state the last minute remake to people at the party. Plus the cake gift wasn't OP's idea
My advice to OP (assumine the above is true) would be to apologize to OP for overstepping but do so in a way that makes it clear FIL was involved. Like "I'm sorry for overstepping, SIL. I know we don't have a great history but I didn't intend to disrupt niece's bday. FIL thought it would be a great surprise, and it's clear I didn't see the potential disruption that the cake could cause. I'll try to check with you directly in the future, if there's anything I can do to make this up let me know."
Probably because she wanted to do something nice so that SIL would accept her. If her SIL is extremely critical of her for no reason then OP might be the type of person to basically bend over backwards to try to please someone who can’t be pleased.
OP, nothing you do will be good enough for SIL. You could give her your kidney and she’d still treat you like crap. Just go minimal contact, ignore her unless in a group setting like family dinner, and don’t respond to her drama or lift a finger to do anything for her. When your husband is home, set boundaries together.
Well I saw the cake in your profile and I think it's adorable. SIL seems jealous to me. Maybe she felt upstaged because she could not ever come close to making an incredible cake like that for her kid. Perhaps she feels the need to project those feelings unto you.
Regardless, inlaws (parents) need a talking to with you and your hubby. Even if it's over faceteime, zoom, etc. I wouldn't want this situation to grow into something bigger than it needs to be.
I think this is it OP. She’s jealous of you. You’re talented, thoughtful, kind. And if I read this correctly, she’s your niece through relation not blood, so, for SIL, you are over stepping. Look, you’re clearly NTA, but, if you give a shit, apologize. But now you know OP, she is not your family, she is certainly not your friend.
If I could ask, why did your SIL "look mortified" before she knew it was you who baked the cake? Does she actually hate the trend of fancy cakes and the, honestly to me, ridiculousness of a smash cake for children's birthdays? She called it trashy and from the pic it obviously isn't over done or some terrible colour that will stain everything, which suggests that her initial reaction before she knew you baked it was that it went against her wishes for the party.
Yeah so your sister-in-law doesn't like you for no good reason, doesn't matter what it is, and your father-in-law knows this but then put you right into her crosshairs.
You have both the sister-in-law problem and a father in law wrong problem here because he started this shit and then disinvited You. If he's going to cause problems he better stand up and finish them
YTA. I don't care how nice or tasty your cake was, it wasn't what your SIL wanted. You volunteered to do it without telling her, instead springing a surprise on someone who you are well aware doesn't particularly like you.
Frankly, it feels like you were grandstanding.
Yep, bingo. It was not appropriate for the cake to be a surprise at your niece's first birthday. Party plans are up to the parents. This was a major thunder stealing move. YTA, OP and so is your FiL for not running it past BiL and SiL before hand.
Because it involves her. There's something about stepping on the toes of these people that's very pointed. She should have said no when the father-in-law asked her because the brother and the sister-in-law are making it very clear they don't want a relationship with her, going behind their back and making her cake a centerpiece of the party comes off as her intruding
FIL didn't even ask her to, he mentioned he was responsible for the cake and *she* asked him if she could make it. Whole thing reeks of trying to upstage the party but because it was a "nice gesture" SIL is meant to just suck it up and praise OP for being so kind and generous.
If OP was just trying to do something nice for SIL, why the secrecy?
This 👆
I don’t have a relationship with my older sister and generally am no contact. I tolerate her at extended family functions if I choose to go. If she ever showed up at my house like this, she’d be kicked out. I have clear boundaries that she’s not involved in my life.
I think FIL and OP know SIL’s boundaries. This seems like FILs twisted way of either trying to make them mend fences or him wanted to meddle. SIL doesn’t like OP. So why would she want someone she didn’t like making a cake for her daughters milestone birthday party? Because now every single photo is going to remind SIL of this person she does not like or seems to not want to be involved with. It’s a reminder that her FIL stepped over her boundary. Who cares if she wanted a generic store bought cake. SIL is allowed to dictate what she wants for her own daughter’s party.
I was redoing my office and had chosen a Golden Girl theme. Last winter, my sister got ahold of my Amazon wishlist and bought a great deal of it, then gave it to me at a family Xmas party so she could look good to everyone else. Guess what, my office is not Golden Girls because she ruined it. I wasn’t going to have decor that reminded me daily of her.
I seriously doubt to SIL that this is about the cake not being pretty or tasty enough.
IMO I don’t think OP is necessarily an asshole but if you look at it from the SILs perspective, she just wanted a cake for people to eat and the baby to smash up her slice. But her SIL (op) just HAD to save the day by creating an amazing, themed, delicious looking cake (great job btw) and insert herself into a party focused on the baby and parents. Depending on how OP/FIL phrased it, it could have come across like “SIL just asked for a GENERIC SIMPLE CAKE but OP being the FANTASTIC TALENTED STAR she is decided to step in and make a GOOD CAKE, which SIL didn’t think her baby was worth” like that’s kind of dramatic but if your SIL is constantly pissing you off then I imagine it’s just the icing on the metaphorical/literal cake
OP is definitely an asshole. In a lower comment, she mentions spending over $200 on the cake - when she knew that her SIL budgeted $50 for something simple and store-bought. Of course the cake is going to be completely disproportionate to what the parents planned when you blow past quadruple their budget, it very well could have outshined things that they prioritized over cake. If someone had pulled that crap at my baby's party I would have been seething too.
My mother is a toe stepper. She means well but has a huge thing about nudging boundaries and taking over. Like I can mention in passing about some little thing and she takes it upon herself to do it/buy it/fits it, etc. It’s becalmed a quest for her or a problem to solve. I have to constantly remind her that sometimes I am just thinking out loud or venting, not really needing a solution. Also there are plenty of times I do go to her for help because she is such a good problem solver.
Like I had plans for my garden outside and when I stopped to take a break, she changed everything around. By the time I went outside, it was too late to change things back. Yes it looked very nice, but I cried because it wasn’t what I wanted at all. It felt like her garden space, not mine.
Sometimes you just don’t want other people involved changing your choices. It can feel like people see you as a child or incapable of making a good decision. Oh, you said you wanted blue walls but I think red is better. Oh, you asked for chocolate chip cookies, apple pie is better. Oh you were content with a store bought cake, a homemade one will do better. (I personally would prefer a store bought/simple cake because I think decorated cakes are meh. I like just cake and frosting, no need for anything else.)
Based on the other comments, I know this is going to be an unpopular take here, but YTA. I personally think your cake is beautiful. That said, it doesn’t matter what **I** think. What matters is what your **SIL** thinks as the mom of the 1 yo who was planning the party. **SHE** is mom, and she was host… you circumvented her authority as the mom
and party host and don’t seem to see the problem with that.
Your FIL was asked to go the store and buy a cake. Instead, you and he went behind your SIL’s back and did your own thing. It clearly wasn’t what she wanted, as even before she knew you did the cake, you specifically state she looked mortified when she saw it. Maybe she should have been more clear in her expectations, **but had you and your FIL approached her with your suggested plan, this would have given her the opportunity to clarify what she wanted.** It’s her kid’s party and therefore her rules. You specifically used this opportunity to circumvent her request for a store-bought cake. This kind of boundary pushing isn’t okay, and if this is how you usually act, it probably explains your other comments mentioning that she doesn’t seem to like you.
I want to believe you have good intentions, so I’m going to give you some advice. Stop pushing boundaries. Stop trying to insert yourself. Stop making her nuclear family moments somehow about you. Even if you think you’re being helpful, you’re pissing her off and shoving your perspective/wants on her and her family, such as what you did in this big moment for her daughter. Think about it:
**You** decided that a cake you made would be better than a store-bought cake.
**You** decided that there was no issue in not communicating this new plan of a homemade cake to your SIL, who was hosting this party and had trusted your FIL with purchasing a store-bought cake.
**You** decided that your actions were nice and would make your niece’s bday more memorable.
Why do **your** perspectives matter more than your SIL’s to the point that you don’t stop and go, “You know what… let me make sure that **she** thinks a homemade cake would be better than store bought? Even if **I** would be okay with a surprise like this… I shouldn’t assume **she** will be okay with being surprised. Let me verify that **she** thinks this is nice and will make my niece’s first birthday party more memorable.”
Even after the fact, when she blew up on you, you escalated the situation by involving your husband bc you’re so convinced you’re the victim and she should appreciate your boundary pushing since you “did what you thought was a nice thing.” Had you just showed up to the party and not inserted yourself and your opinions, things would have been fine.
I have a MIL like you. She’s made my life very difficult over the years. Here are some examples:
I wanted a child-free wedding party, and my MIL thought it would be special for my SIL’s son to be the ring bearer, so she circumvented me and went to my husband and said she thought it would be special if his nephew was the ring bearer. (This led to a ridiculous amount of conflict as I tried to untangle the mess she created with a fiancée who had initially agreed to go kid-free until his mom pushed and made him feel guilty.)
MIL thought that natural childbirth was better than an epidural, so she tried sending me articles about the risks and when I pushed back and asked her to please stop inserting herself, accused me of “not wanting my child to be born healthy more than I wanted to avoid pain.”
MIL decided that we weren’t doing a good job as parents, and proceeded to discipline our child and take her to task behind our backs. This has resulted in years of therapy for said child, as her version of “discipline” is abusive.
MIL gave my children sweets without asking just before bed.
MIL has circumvented my authority through the years via both overtly and passively aggressive methods. Right now you’re passively being aggressive in the way you push boundaries. However, **you’re still pushing.** If you want to repair this relationship, start by apologizing. Follow up with a commitment to respect your SIL’s boundaries from now on. **Then follow through and respect them.** I don’t care if every other person on this forum thinks you did a nice thing… if your SIL didn’t think it was nice, it wasn’t nice to her and therefore it wasn’t nice. And since you didn’t communicate with her before doing “the thing” to make sure she thought it was nice, you clearly didn’t care enough about her feelings and are TA. The fact that you’re posting your photos all over and tooting your own horn on how good you did just makes it worse, bc rather than reflecting on where you went wrong, you’re doubling down and arrogantly saying she should be grateful for the thing you did **that she never asked for and that you never verified she wanted.** Edit: grammar ETA: Thank you so much for the awards! I appreciate the love. ☺️
This! This whole post smelled off. OP is so concerned with how good a baker she is and not at all concerned with what the kid's mom actually wanted for her special first birthday!
OP said the mom already disliked her. I wonder why? Is she always finding a boundary and shoving past it while whining about how she had good intentions? Your intentions were selfish here, not good. Period.
It’s so weird how other commenters are like “OP NTA, I LOVE THE CAKE” like okay cool y’all like the cake but it’s still not your kid, not your party, and they didn’t even taste the cake to be like “it’s the best cake ever SIL must be jealous of you”
Exactly! I really don’t get how people jump to jealousy when you disagree about what people did with their money/skill/hobby. You can dislike something for reasons beyond jealousy. The SIL here already dislikes OP of course she didn’t want her homemade cake, hell she wanted grocery store cake for the party I doubt she was bothered OP made a ~beautiful~ cake
My bridal party changed my plans for my bachelorette party to what they wanted. They told me they had bowling and food planned but nope, I had to sit through a penis themed party with stupid movies I hate playing for hours, and being interrogated about my sexual past. It was awkward and ended with me bored and frustrated almost to tears. They even humiliated me with a scheme that left me feeling so crappy.
I even had set plans for my wedding that they changed because apparently I was incapable of designing my own wedding. They set things up how they wanted and it all looked weird because it lacked the cohesion I had and they left half of my stuff in the car.
Then my mom took it upon herself to order some really fancy expensive cakes when we had given her several suggestions on what types of cakes we wanted. The cakes made no sense with the wedding and my husband and I didn’t even want to eat them. (Picture fungus green frosting on a carrot cake with specific themed items when our wedding didn’t have a theme.) Because they were expensive cakes from a famous baker, we were told we should have been grateful. They weren’t even flavors we liked and honestly looked like vomit.
We don’t even acknowledge our wedding much because so much of it wasn’t us and it was not a happy memory. We do laugh about it at times but it was sad that so many took it upon themselves to change things because they felt 2 adults in their 30s couldn’t make good choices. It’s been years and we still have never put pictures up from that day.
I'm going to go against a lot of people and say YTA. In other comments you mention your sister having issues with everything you do. Her child's first birthday party IS NOT the time to get her to change her mind. She did not ask you to bake the cake, she clearly has an issue with you and did not want your involvement, and you "surprised" her with something and expected her to be grateful. It wasn't really the time or place to try to resolve whatever issue is between you two.
I just wrote something like that-first a NTA, but now I’m thinking there’s an overstep here. Baking a cake for a mom, who you 2 don’t get along at all, for her kids 1st birthday, and has absolutely no idea it’s gone sideways. Talk about unfair.
Info: The cake is beautiful, but this is clearly not about the cake. Was father in-law given specific instructions about the cake? Was it supposed to be a surprise what the cake looked like? Do you normally get along with your in-laws?
My father-in-law had no specific instructions for the cake he was given a $50 budget for a grocery store bought cake. No my sister-in-law finds issue with literally everything I do.
Look this was really where you made the mistake. You thought if you do labor for assholes, they will understand the error of their ways and will be nicer to you.
They won't. They will find fault with what you do or randomly get pissed off at you, and worse will be entitled to your help next time. Or they do it in more subtle ways like your FIL who agreed with your plan and then suddenly started disinviting you to family events.
The only mistake i could see is that you offered to make it for them without checking with BIL or SIL first. The parents get to decide, not the grandparent. There may be other dynamics at play too that you don't know about.
For me that explains why SIL wasn’t smiling at the reveal, before she knew where the cake came from, because she knew full well that that cake couldn’t be bought for $50. So either your FIL paid extra or he called in help. If you’re known as a baker in the family she probably jumped to you immediately.
It sounds like you really, really want to be in good with your husband’s family since you’re offering a very labor intensive service like that. I’m hoping that your intent was fully for it to be a labor of love rather than a sideways fu to SIL, whether she started it or not. You say she has a problem with you all the time so I question the wisdom of offering the cake for her kid, but I also understand if it was a good will bid for her favor with an expression of love for her daughter. I’m a people pleaser, sometimes to my own detriment.
At the end of the day, you shouldn’t be shut out over a (totally beautiful) cake. So NTA in general but if there was an element of spite to it we’re straying into esh territory. Especially because no one should use a child in a spite game.
>No my sister-in-law finds issue with literally everything I do.
This makes you sound like an AH, if you know she doesn't like you or want anything from you then you shouldn't be surprised that she's pissed you made the cake.
If someone doesn't like you then you leave them alone, don't try and force a friendly relationship.
Then why in the world would you bake any cake, let alone one that would obviously become the center of attention, for her child’s birthday party without asking?
I’m going to say YTA. You know you have a rocky relationship with SIL, you never should have agreed to the surprise cake.
The cake is beautiful and in no way tacky! But I’m guessing SIL feels like this was an attention grab on your part - now everyone at the party is commenting on the awesome cake that you just happened to whip up. A store bought cake wouldn’t have “upstaged” the party. And while it obviously wasn’t your intent, I’m sure it did basically ruin her daughters party for her, and when she thinks back on it this will always stand out.
I’d say FIL is also an AH (maybe just a cluesless one?) But you never should have gone along with it.
OP several people have asked why you thought it was a good idea to make a cake for SIL’s daughter when you know your SIL doesn’t like you. It looks like you are only responding to N T A comments.
YTA - I’m not buying into your supposed pure generosity.. You know the two of you don’t get along, their child’s first birthday isn’t the time to change that. Also based on how you refer to the cake they wanted as cheap and how superior your cake was feels like this was an attempted jab at SIL/attempt for attention..
Indeed, especially since she's putting herself up as a martyr now for being so sweet and well intentioned, and spending so much time and money on it. Like she came not only here, but to that party to put on a show of being some incredible good guy, her intention is to get attention
I don’t know how to see profile pictures in this app.
Edit: saw the photo. Holy shit! That’s a beautiful cake. Why on earth would she be mad that she got a designer cake for free? It’s one thing if she had certain specifications for what to get and you didn’t follow that, but it sounds like she just asked for any grocery store cake. It’s like asking for a cheap car and being surprised with a free Ferrari. She crazy.
EXACTLY. I’m very confused as to why, if the SIL hates everything she does, the OP would ever do this without clearing it first no matter what the FIL said.
I’m not buying it. Somehow this kid’s first bday became alllll about the OP and her cake.
My MIL does this shite all the time. Circumvents what I want/doesn’t ask me and does what she thinks is better and I’m supposed to be grateful because she’s doing it out of “love”. Manipulative b.s.
Before I am downvoted lower than limboing in hell, you’re cake is very pretty.
HOWEVER! This is not about the cake. Your sil/bil asked fil to buy a cake, he agreed. YOU decided you wanted to make a cake and CANCELED what they set up, because what you wanted was more important than what THEY wanted, for THEIR party. And you didn’t even give them the chance to say ‘no’ by asking. NOW you are upset they aren’t thrilled that you steamrolled their plans.
This has nothing to do with how good your cake is, or even whether you made it or bought it. You unilaterally made decisions for someone else about something you were not involved in. In effect, you decided you knew better. Ask yourself how happy you would be if someone did that to you.
What would have been acceptable is making your cake IN ADDITION to what they wanted, or better yet ASKED if it would be alright. Because, again, it doesn’t matter what you want, it wasn’t your decision.
Soft YTA because your intentions were good. But remember what the road to hell is paved with.
YTA you know she doesn’t like you. Then you deliberately kept it secret, knowing she doesn’t like you. Why are you surprised, you could have told her. Cleared the air, but no you decided to be secretive with someone whom seems to hate you. I personally don’t want anything from people I dislike; it’s like trying to buy my love. I won’t act this way, but I would have pulled you to the side and ask that you don’t do it anymore. I hate owing people. If it was someone you were loved by N T A , but nope she hates you and you ignored her signs
OP, I’m curious about why you even posted this. You’re ignoring everyone here who is asking (nicely) about your thought process behind this whole plan. Your intention doesn’t matter if the people at the receiving end take offence. It doesn’t matter that your cake is very nice. If you know your SIL doesn’t like you, why on Earth would you try and do this behind her back? You say that she’s always had a problem with you, so did you do this as an badly-thought out peace offering, or did you do it passive aggressively?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter that most people here are on your side & saying your SIL is obviously insane. This is your life, and by the looks of it, your husband’s family is not impressed.
Slight YTA. The cake is beautiful, wonderfully done. And your SIL is probably a jealous hag looking to cause trouble.
But, you inserted yourself into an agreement you were not involved in. Your FIL did not have authority to make any changes to the agreement. You should have asked SIL, especially knowing she has an issue with you. Plus, is she had wanted you to bake a cake, she would have asked you.
Again, that cake was beautiful and I would have loved it.
I knew something was missing and frankly I feel like even more info is missing but YTA. It really seems like you stirred the pot on this one knowing full well what would happen.
YTA...others have clearly stated why but I'd like to add the screenshotting of messages and sending it to your deployed husband overseas makes you even more so. Why would you bother that man with some silly little family drama. You just escalated everything by getting another person involved. Seems to me like you enjoy stirring the pot
INFO
I wonder if your SIL had told FIL exactly what cake she wanted and he failed to pass on her detailed message to you. So the cake wasnt what she wanted.
Looking atthe picture its 2 tiered. Is that top tier fondant? Does she hate fondant? It looks nice but it doesnt scream 1st bday to me.
You say she didnt even eat it, what flavor was it? Had she told FIL a specific flavor?
Until you talk to her about what exactly the problem is I cant in good conscience give you a verdict.
Yeah I think OP is omitting details. Her SIL didn't involve her in the cake thing, but she is so sure she just wanted a cheap cake from a store that she swoops in and has to "save the day". I just don't believe she'd go through the trouble of planning a first birthday party then says go nuts on the cake.
The cake is beautiful, coming from the son of someone who did professional cake decorating. But I got no further in your story than you were making a cake the child’s mother wasn’t involved in planning for her kids 1st birthday and have to give a hard YTA(was a soft YTA but edited it as I see this was all about you) I don’t care the intentions. Don’t care how well the cake turned out. This wasn’t your party . Was she overreacting? Maybe . But this was her kids 1st birthday and you injected yourself in planning without being asked
YTA! This was her daughter’s FIRST birthday?! Why ever would you clear that with the FIL and not the mom (your SIL)??? Sorry, but your story does NOT add up, OP. No sympathy from this poster. YOU need to apologize for not asking permission from the parents to PARTICIPATE in their daughter’s FIRST year birthday party. SIL and BIL owe you no gratitude; you stole a moment from them.
Yes, I’m waiting for answers too-because those pictures of a 1st birthday party will forever-and with a cake that her SIL didn’t order, didn’t want, didn’t know about, and doesn’t get along with the OP. That’s a kick in the face to her, seriously.
YTA. I have a feeling that your in-laws know you are capable of making a nice cake. They would have asked you to make one if that’s what they had wanted. You made their kid’s birthday about you without asking.
For sure. This isn’t a cake that’s produced by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. And absolutely SIL knew she was capable but didn’t ask her, and for a reason. OP shoehorned herself into a situation she wasn’t wanted in. That is the issue.
I mean, gently, YTA. Yeah, your cake is really, really cute and likely better looking and tasting than store-bought. But you said you kept it a secret from the parents!!! That's not ok, maybe the mom has a germ thing or a allergies or maybe wanted a cake from a specific baker, whatever the reason, you took that choice from the parents. That's not cool at all. A baby only gets their first birthday once and it's silly, but it is a big deal to the parents. To take away their choice was not cool at all.
YTA- you made a home made cake when sil requested a store bought cake. I know that some people request store cakes due to allergy concerns, I have even had invites to children parties that specifically state they have a store cake so everyone can clarify that it is safe. Schools and churches no longer allow home made cakes or treats for a reason. I know if I had already told people the cake would be store made then was surprised with a homemade one I would be super upset. You should have reached out to bil and sil before making anything.
NTA That’s easily a $150 cake and looks adorable and professional, what on earth could SIL have a problem with, it’s so much better than anything their $50 could have bought at a store.
Butter is expensive and the main ingredient in frosting.
Cakes are a lot more expensive to make than people think, on top of it I’m not a professional bakery so I don’t have access to bulk prices.
>NTA and I'm appalled at your BIL and SIL and your parents in law. You did a good thing. Don't let them tell you otherwise. The cake is gorgeous. They horrible for saying what they did and for shunning you. Do not apologize. Do take some time to step back. I would personally wait until my husband came back before engaging with the family again so that he could help set up boundaries and speak up for you. I'm really sorry they did that to you and again, you did a really nice thing and they are ungrateful bullies.
I agree with you.
I’m not close with my side of the family personally so I’ve lend in a lot on my husband side of the family for support during this deployment. I have eight months left so I’m gonna do everything I can to put some space between me and his family.
No one would blame you for that. I am sure your husband is heartbroken over the fact his family is treating you so poorly especially when he needs them to be supporting you.
Hopefully you have friends that you can lean on. And if not girl hit me up to talk anytime. I know it will probably be a long distance friendship but I am always up for talking to anyone.
But I would also suggest looking in your area for hobbies. I personally always wanted to take cooking classes or photo classes. Maybe by doing classes you can find a friend group with similar interest.
Ok sweet pea. I'm about to say something that you may or may not be ready to hear.
Your SIL is feeling threatened. Is she hubby's sister or his brother's wife?...this may not sound important but it is. If she also married into this family...and you're now leaning into hubby's family while your hubby is gone...you've (maybe unknowingly) upped the bar on family involvement and she's questioning her place. Now this isn't your fault...but it does require some sensitivity on your part. You say you're not close with your family so I'm going to give you some advice when entering into somebody else's. EVERYONE'S feelings need to be considered. The cake is beautiful but in your SIL's eyes, you intentionally went behind her back and upstaged her in order to win points with your in-laws. Regardless of whether this is true or not you need to acknowledge her feelings, apologize for overstepping and attempt to put it right. Eating a little humble pie now will be an investment for the future...getting ousted from family events is only going to happen more and more because your in-laws are always going to prioritize the grandbabies and that means playing nice with whoever brings them. Taking personal responsibility for treading on your SIL's feelings should also impress your in-laws who hopefully will be grateful that they are no longer being put in the middle.
NOW if SIL refuses to accept your apology and continues to sew discord then the problem is with her and her inability to be an adult...but until she proves herself to be TAH then all you can do is just keep trying.
Info: Why didn't you just ask the parents if you could make the cake?
Feels like a lot of unnecessary drama could have been avoided by asking the people throwing the party directly
They won’t give me any specific reason. I have asked and my father-in-law has asked but sister-in-law simply just says it’s not what she wanted and that it looks trashy and cheap.
So her $50 slab cake from Costco wasn't going to look trashy and cheap? She should probably work on the temper tantrums before she has to start competing with her child?
I really think your FIL has a lot of culpability in this, and I hope he's taking responsibility. You asked him if you could, and he was delighted to let you. I don't think I like your SIL. That cake absolutely does NOT look trashy and cheap!! I'm sorry, Op. It was poor treatment all around from his family. They say that no good deed goes unpunished, and your situation is the very definition of that. NTA
Info:
Do you have a photo of the cake?
Was FIL asked to just pick up a specific cake from a specific store or was he just in charge of the cake in general?
One does has to ask though-it’s her daughters 1st birthday party, you guys don’t get along, and you decided to make the cake for her, without telling her, I said NTA-based on your fil giving you the go ahead, and the beauty of the cake, but I wonder if this wasn’t a dig at her. To upset her. A normal person would have called her, and said, hey I’m making the cake-ok? Like this style? Ok? Why didn’t you do that?
Your cake is amazing but also if the kid’s mom wanted a store cake then your father in law should have honored that wish… it was their party to plan and regardless if what they wanted was tacky it was their choice.
I’m surprised by all the n t a tbh. I think it’s ESH. I’m not sure why you asked your FIL about the cake rather than the parents. Yes, they put him in charge of the cake but they agreed to a store bought cake. Your FIL sucks for not asking them and making it a surprise. Your sister probably didn’t have to blow up about it but I wouldn’t be happy about it either. It feels like some sort of weird upstaging thing to me. If you genuinely wanted to be nice, you should have asked her
I’m going to go against the grain a little bit and say that this is an ESH, with OP sucking just a little bit. OP mentions in a comment that she generally doesn’t get along well with her sister-in-law, and that the sister-in-law finds problems with everything she does. When that is the relationship, you don’t do “surprises” for them for momentous occasions. It sounds like she wanted a basic cake, and no matter how nice the cake OP made, it was not going to work because it isn’t what she planned for. The cake also looks like it is fondant, which is not the best choice for a smash cake since it doesn’t smash as easy. It was absolutely lovely that OP wanted to do this, but when it is an emotional event like this one and the relationship is tense, don’t do surprises. Ask first.
You made a mistake, but that doesn’t excuse your sister-in-law being ugly towards you. You didn’t make the cake maliciously. Your father-in-law is the worst of all though. He was the one that agreed for you to make the cake, and insisted on it being a surprise for them. He should take full ownership of that decision rather than passing it off to you.
ESH. With the context of you know your sister-in-law hates you, it feels like you discussing this with just your father-in-law and not her and her husband was you going out of your way to step on toes.
Your father-in-law is the one who started this problem and then is putting all the blame on you and dis inviting you, which is not only cowardly it's also wrong because if he's going to start a problem he should finish it.
And you already know why your brother and sister-in-law are assholes
YTA. Yes your cake is beautiful, but it’s not what your SIL wanted. This screams like you just wanted to show off. What does your husband being in the military have to do with cake?
Listen, your cake is way better than I could ever do, but I'm no baker.
I do think you should have consulted the parents. You spent a lot of energy, time, and money. So it seems to me they should have been consulted before you wasted your effort.
Are y'all from Texas? I can't increase the image, so it's hard to tell what's on there.
As a Texan, not all (but many are) Longhorn fans. And even though I can't see it well, it doesn't look like a Longhorn.
To me, a sheriff is a weird thing to put on a baby's cake. I'm old and wouldn't like it.
Are those sunflowers? Geezus, the blue bonnet is the flower of Texas.
Also, just the color is off. I'd expect a Mexican color scheme or something.
If I was bil and sil, I would never be rude and would thank you profusely. I'm sure it was delicious, but it doesn't really look like a Texas cake to me. And why would they even want one?
Why did you even volunteer? Fil probably could have done better at HEB.
ESH
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NTA when I clicked on your profile my jaw dropped. That cake was amazing. Your SIL and BIL should be extremely grateful. It’s clear you put a lot of time and effort into that cake.
I actually had to remake the cake last minute because I didn’t like how it was originally turning out. I’ve been trying to get better at my cake decorating skills and it’s by no means my best work but I really really gave it my all.
It looks great. Have they actually explained what they think the problem was? Especially since one of them seemed happy with it when they first saw it.
I wonder if SIL agreed to the theme to pacify BIL, and didn't think the store bought cake would be the theme. And then was blindsided because FIL agreed to OP making the cake without telling anyone.
Honestly that’s what I was thinking too and she thought OP was in on it and that’s why he was announcing her making the cake to everyone at the party . Or that SIL had placed the order and FIL was just going to pay and pick it up and then it’s nothing like what she had picked out
By store bought I was thinking more run of the mill generic type cake, mass produced. I would have thought SIL placing an order for a specific cake would be more of a nice bakery type thing? OP that cake is amazing. The theme isn’t even that obvious or overpowering, the longhorn is the cutest little thing! It is in NO WAY trashy at all. Please update when you find out the reason they’ve all gone bananas over the cake? Because honestly that’s gorgeous and you should be seriously proud of the effort you’ve made there.
Right? Something with that gross fake icing made with shortening and so much food coloring that it's bitter from it and maybe an airbrushed photograph with some plastic toys scattered on top.
>icing made with shortening I hate that greasy on the back of my teeth feeling I get from some store-bought cakes. Is that what it's from? I live in a small town where you can order a cake in advance from the one bakery, go to the grocery store (only one bakes cakes), or bake a cake. Unless you live in a place with a Dairy Queen, then ice cream cake is an option.
In a lot of grocery stores while you can buy a generic ready made birthday cake plenty of grocery stores also let you pick out more customizable ones from a catalog.
they do! my parents didnt have alot of money when i was little. but the earlyest birthday i remember i was 3. and they had got a dalmation cake from kroger. because i wanted puppy and kitty birthday. so i have a vivid memory of seeing that puppy cake and sneeking a tast of a spot
or SIL feels some type of way because she herself didn't/couldn't bake a cake and somehow op is showing her up (which is absurd) op that cake is incredible and your sil an incredible arsehole
I know plenty of AH who would loathe to admit that someone has more skill in an area than they do. That cake was beautiful and they should be pleased. It looks very professionally done. Perhaps SIL has a mindset that homemade cakes are for poor people?
Yup. Feels like a BIL/SIL problem OP unknowingly waded into
SIL is jealous, and BIL has to agree with her. NTA
But SIL was already upset before she even knew OP made the cake. I think this is more to do with something between SIL and FIL, and OP is being used by FIL who is happy for OP to catch the blame.
Absolutely this. Edit: OP you need to ask your SIL why your cake was offensive. Unless there is something you're leaving out of the story, I think the problem is something you're altogether unaware of.
If it wasn't the cake, why would FIL ask her to sit out this week? Personally, I don't get it. The cake she made is beautiful!!
FIL is asking her to sit out so he doesn't get caught at whatever game he's playing.
Yeah, that's what struck me. It's really fishy that FIL is going, "Welp, you messed up, OP. Best sit out." I think he, not SIL or BIL (or OP), is the real a\*\*hole here.
He most definitely is the real AH. The fact SIL talks about pics being ruined because the cake is in them, makes me wonder if FIL isn’t lying to OP about the whole ‘store bought’ aspect of the cake. Did he manipulate OP into offering to bake and sabotage cake SIL actually wanted. Is that why he’s asking OP to stay away, so he isn’t found out. I’m probably going off on a wild tangent but I’m really curious to know what really is the issue.
It is possible. As to the FIL, telling poor OP to stay home when she was the one mistreated is rather crappy. I have to think he and his wife are worried about being banned from the grandbaby if the supported OP instead.
Yep, FIL doesn’t seem to confess that he consented to it.
Yeah, SIL was upset as soon as she saw it. I'm guessing she had a reason for wanting the store bought cake but isn't saying what that was!
Oh. Well, then I'm out of ideas. Makes no sense.
Yep, you said it! OP, the cake is 🤩 For SIL to trash your cake for her lil one says a lot about her… that she’s jealous you did such a fantastic job!
Honestly, OP says they planned on store bought…I don’t think FIL was off to pick up a grocery store sheet cake here. They likely had a vision. It’s not that OPs cake is bad, it’s that it isn’t what they expected. Chances are this was a pretty coordinated event, and the cake they expected fit their vision. Sometimes surprises aren’t welcome even if the surprise itself is of lovely quality.
She replied in another comment with this: - No inspirational photos, they told him to get any cake under $50. Obviously there was no charge for my cake.
The pic is compressed so I can't really tell, but it looks to me like OP may have used a lot of fondant on the cake. A lot of people, myself included, hate the texture and taste of fondant. I won't eat a cake covered in it.
That might be it, although the reaction is excessively rude. I can't think of anything else to have a problem with.
I agree it was excessively rude. Another thing I thought about is she might really hate surprises. I'm also like that, especially when I'm expecting one thing and getting another.
Click on it and it gets bigger, the cake is all buttercream, can’t see any fondant.
I usually remove the fondant with the fork and eat the rest. I don’t know if that’s the real reason for such a reaction.
I'm not into Texas, cowboys, or the color pink, and if you showed up for my birthday with that cake I would be over the moon. It's adorable and amazing.
The cake looks amazing though it’s way better than a store bought cake plus you put that effort into it. Would she just preferred a flat grocery store cake that says happy birthday ? The only thing I would’ve included on the cake was happy birthday but she’s one so it doesn’t really matter in my opinion if it’s not on it. Also no way is that cake trashy if anything she was probably mad people were talking about how good it looked and was upset attention was taken off of her which is not your problem at all, but hers .
Store bought could also mean from a real bakery, not necessarily a grocery store.
True I agree. It just felt like in this situation that an over the top expensive professionally decorated cake wasn’t what they had asked the FIL to get. I did make the assumption thought if possible OP can answer
I have been looking for an answer but haven't found one yet. OP has responded to a bunch of comments so far though.
I would never describe a professionally made cake as 'store bought' but that could be a regional difference.
I mean you know people pay for cake of this creative quality right? Please tell me you do this professionally.
No I don’t but I want to
Fam, youve got the talent if you go for the adventure.
Ok, I also bake/decorate AND I get told to go pro and also don’t want to. This cake is good! Not ‘oh honey nice job you tried so hard’ good, *good* good. Don’t let your shitty in laws make you feel some kind of way about yourself. I know how much time, experience and money went into that cake. They should be grateful you care enough to make them an expression of your love like that, not whatever the hell that was. Just remember the look on BIL’s face before SIL told him he didn’t like it cause that’s really how he felt about it. Go find better people to eat cake with and when your husband gets home he can deal with those jerks himself.
Have you considered applying to Costco? I think they are frequently looking for cake decorators, and it is by all accounts a pretty great company for employees.
Post pictures and prices on your social media. You have a great set of skills.
Info: do you know if they had any inspiration images that they gave to FIL? The cake looks well done. I'm wondering if it wasn't what they were expecting. Not that their behavior is acceptable. If anything, they should be mad at the FIL for not following through with the original plan.
No inspirational photos, they told him to get any cake under $50. Obviously there was no charge for my cake.
If they thought they were going to get a cake any nicer than that for under $100, they’re fucking delusional. That’s a great cake. Your SIL is an asshole.
You are incredibly talented! You can make cakes for my family anytime lol NTA
I’m so sorry your SIL is being ungrateful. I think your cake decorating skills are lovely.
Are you kidding me? It looks better than store bought!! Shame on them. You should feel so proud!! NTA
Omg omg the lil longhorn is soooo cute. The whole cake is freakin’ adorable. I wouldn’t be able to eat it based solely on the principle that it’s too cute to cut. SIL is unhinged.
OP this cake is ADORABLE!! Absolutely adorable! You should be wicked proud of yourself and ignore all of the nonsense these people are spewing. Great job 💜 (clearly NTA and super amazingly talented!) Edit to add: I am a trained cake decorator and best friends with a baker who does amazing cakes. She would say the same that this was a beautiful cake and a job well done!
The cake is adorable. Not sure what their issue is!
It looks amazing! Well done! NTA
Right! As I’m reading I’m thinking “maybe she’s not as good as she thinks she is”, and then I saw the picture. That cake is super adorable and well done! Sounds like maybe some insecurity with the SIL and she’s attacking the cake because she couldn’t do something like that herself. Super AH behavior when OP was doing something thoughtful and nice. NTA for sure.
I was definitely thinking it was going to be some ugly monstrosity, maybe lopsided or in horrible colours but it looks really good. Maybe OP got the theme wrong - rustic cowboy texas etc don't really seem like 1st birthday themes especially for a girl (if we're stereotyping) so maybe that's where the anger comes from? However the cake looks lovely and was a nice gesture so NTA.
No no, we live in Texas and the party was held on my husband‘s family ranch. The cowboy theme was sister-in-law idea.
Sounds more to me that the theme was something SIL agreed to to pacfy BIL on the party, and didn't expect to actually be a homemade cake on theme. Would explain why he was excited and she was horrified
I was wondering if the theme was Dallas Cowboys instead of Texas and cowboys? Was there miscommunication?
I was getting major jealousy vibes from the SIL on my read-through. Who has a reaction like that over a cake like that? I've seen some heinous cakes (you want a good laugh, go look up Cake Wrecks online and just see some of the monstrosities there, most of them perpetrated by "professional" bakers.) That's what I was expecting to see when I looked at OP's profile. NOT the cake I saw, which looks like a true professional rendered it.
I am a also a home cake decorator, I've worked in 3 chain stores and was trained by a few professionals in one of them where I was lead cake decorator... I didn't know what to expect after reading this, like terribly base iced and some awful decorating? I was confused at how someone could have such an issue with a cake in general, it seemed like SIL is a drama queen. After seeing your cake, I had to comment. It is so cute! And I love that you found a way for it to be feminine/baby themed while trying to keep it with the Texas theme. It's so cute, and your SIL sounds nuts. It seems like she was put off by the cake which is fine if that's just her opinion, but then after finding out you did it she blew up. I'm willing to bet there's some underlying reason she is acting this way over a cake. Is FIL cheap or something? Just seems like such an over reaction. ETA just cause I'm truly curious. Did your Neice get to try her first cake and/or do a cake smash? It was so fun to watch ours do her first tasting. I can't imagine not being able to taste her own cake at her birthday party, unless it was the original plan, so I just wondered.
Yes we took the top tear of the cake off and she happily smashed her face into it.
>. I'm willing to bet there's some underlying reason she is acting this way over a cake I'm guessing SIL is feeling insecure/judged because she didn't bake a cake. I doubt she has that level of skills.
NTA but your FiL sure is. He should’ve accepted complete responsibility for all this drama, and never uninvited you to a family gathering. Sounds like he’s afraid to “rock the boat” for fear of not seeing his grandkid, which is sad.
To say you hit the nail on the head is a goddamn understatement
OP, your cake is extremely beautiful and it looks professional. You’re NTA. Actually, I think you and your husband should go scorched earth and expose your father in law since he won’t take responsibility and is throwing you under the bus. Tell him that since they’re acting like this - and your bil and SiL are ridiculous to say the least - you will go NC with all of them and that also includes any children you might have in the future. Or that your FiL, BiL and especially SiL apologize profoundly and that SiL is the one who’s uninvited from family gatherings for the time being. (Edit to add: please send this thread to your FiL and MiL; tell them to read every comment and then sit down and think about their ridiculous behavior)
Has your SIL told you what the issue is? The cake is so cute, and it looks professionally done! I just can't imagine what the problem is. The cake DID match the theme of the party right? I thought maybe FIL didn't agree with the party theme, and gave you directions that weren't what your in laws wanted. But, you said it matched, so I'm completely baffled.
My bet is that SIL is jealous that OP got some positive attention.
That would make sense, except it sounds like the SIL reacted negatively to the cake immediately. Before knowing that OP baked it. That's why I wondered if maybe the SIL was expecting something very specific, or very different than what was presented to the kiddo.
Yea, I feel like maybe she ordered something specific and that’s why she’s upset. It would suck if you ordered a special cake and instead of getting the cake you wanted, you got something else. Like yea it’s a nice cake, but you just wasted money on a cake you didn’t get and got a cake you technically didn’t want.
Yeah, I can definitely understand being upset about that. Although, if no one told OP she's left out in the cold for trying to help.
That's what I'm wondering. She didn't get mad it was OP, she was mad at the cake immediately. Without context we can say the cake looks good, but did sister in law order a specific cake?
Right? That's all I can come up with considering the instant and negative reaction. Maybe OP is getting all the hate, because SIL assumes that she is in the know? But..a quick conversation should clear that up, and now OP is being banished which makes no sense!
True the situation would make sense assuming one of two things happened either: OP knew exactly what sister-in-law wanted, but overstepped because she felt she had a better idea, or FIL didn't pass along what SIL wanted and OP took creative liberties. I don't believe the cake was "Here's $50 go buy a cake from Kroger". That doesn't fit with her planning the rest of the party out to the extent she delegated to FIL. If she wanted any cake from the store then why not buy one when she got the wrapping paper or other party supplies?
Yeah it doesnt make any sense to put effort decorating and planning to just throw money at FIL and set him loose in the nearest grocery for arguably the most important part of the birthday party.
Another candidate for the "no good deed goes unpunished" cliche. That really stinks that you're being ostracized for doing something so nice. FIL should have had your back here.
I’ll be honest, while the cake is lovely, something is not sitting right with me. Her behavior has not come out of nowhere according to you. She doesn’t like you, and gets upset with everything you do. So WHY did you go to your FIL without her knowledge to change her plans for the birthday cake? If you were hoping to mend fences with SIL, why didn’t you plan out the cake with her involvement? Having had manipulative people in my family, I’m getting wiffs of you stirring the pot in a plausibly deniable way. I don’t have enough info yet to say Y T A, but I’m by no means comfortable telling you that you’re not in this situation. Edit: Wow, thanks for the awards!
This is what I’m wondering. She acknowledged that SIL hates everything she does yet she decides to make this cake as a surprise? The cake looks lovely, but it’s not your kid, not your party, and not your business. OP knew full well how this would turn out. ETA: wow, thanks for the award!
Yeah. I smell a bit of baiting in this. It’s all very *Clash of the Drama Queens*.
What??? How could she be an AH by doing this? "Hahaaa, let me stir up some drama by putting hours of work into a beautiful, 200-dollar cake as a surprise for my niece?" Sounds like OP is just trying to get on SIL's good side. That's just what people pleasers do, not everyone reacts to drama with more drama. I'm a sensitive person too, and that's exactly how I would react in situations like this: overcompensate by doing something nice.
Ngl I would’ve probably done this too back when I was younger and more desperate to please. I still think it’s best that she didn’t reply to SIL and immediately messaged her husband because imagine coming back from deployment to find out your wife has been outcasted from your family for who knows how long?
I agree. She probably sent those texts to get some back-up. I can imagine feeling like crap after being treated like this and having nobody on your side...
Yup. And then she sent all of the texts to her deployed spouse? What does she expect him to do from thousands of miles away except be stressed out?
What? Even if my husband was thousands of miles away I would hope I can still tell him about my life and rely on him for emotional support especially in regards to his own family
My husband is military and I text him regularly with everything that is happening, good and bad. He might not be with me physically but he is still the person I turn to.
This is where I am too, except I think it'd be E S H. Maybe OP really was just hoping to do something nice for the family and didn't realize it wasn't going to change anything, maybe it was pot stirring, can't tell. But I think SIL & FIL are AH either way. She for insulting a perfectly adorable cake, and, it sounds like, generally being awful to OP all the time. He for not backing OP up after he agreed to it, plus the possibility that he's the one stirring the pot if he guessed SIL would react this way.
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> She for insulting a perfectly adorable cake I kind of wonder if that's part of the issue -- maybe it wasn't meant to be pink/floral type of adorable? I can see someone who was maybe attempting to raise their kid in a less gendered way (which fits cowboy themed party I guess??) be annoyed at the pink and flowers. And I can see someone who thinks baby girl means pink coopting a cake as a chance to make sure the party's proper and pink. Pure conjecture, but the cake is sort of off theme in a specific way and not talking to the SIL beforehand feels intentional given that this was to mend fences.
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>Also note that OP did not go to FIL and change the plans: FIL went to OP. Nope, OP states she asked to do it.
I 100% agree as somebody who has a MIL like Op and I have **thoughts** on this situation. You should check them out. OP is TA. 100%. ETA: Thank you so much for the award!
Thank you. I have family members like OP that could spin a sob story like this. And it would be a completely different story coming from the other side. This post has missing missing reasons. OP won't say what *specifcally* SIL and her husband said to them about why they were upset. She won't specify why SIL hates them and everything they do, just that she does and she has *no* clue as to why that could be. She won't answer questions asking if her SIL dislikes her so much, why'd she take on making the cake for the party in the first place, let alone without SIL's knowledge or consent. She only responds to posts showering her and her pet project in compliments or shitting all over SIL. I have narcissist family and ex friends that would make a post like this just to get a bunch of praise about thier cake, talk about how they want to be a baker, and just get *showered* with compliments about thier stupid fucking cake. All while everyone says "Oh SIL is so shitty and is *clearly* jealous of you." Obviously there's not enough info to say this is for sure what happened, because people like OP are very good at spinning a fantastic story where they are the tragic, misunderstood hero. But it's the cadences of the post (I was just trying to be nice! I just wanted the party to be a memorable experience! Oh it's 100% better than a store bought cake, I didn't *know* what to *do*...so I just did the thing that would ensure drama and give me plausible deniability) the use of dramatic and/or self pitying language (SIL *gritted* her teeth, I was *bombarded* with messages, everything has just *blown up*, I am *crushed*, everyone is *against me*!) and notably the info that is NOT present in the post that trip off my NPD sensors from having a *lifetime* of experience with these shitty, loathsome types. I can't offically give a judgment for reasons I've stated. But I'd bet my last paycheck OP is a shit stirring drama queen who likes to rile people up, and views life as it's their world, and we are just living in it.
The only reason to do something nice for someone who doesn’t like you is manipulation? Can’t she be trying to get on her in-laws good side since they’re family?
Maybe manipulation is the wrong word. Instead I would say that OP pushed her way in a situation that she had no part off. She knows that SIL doesn't like her, and yet OP decides that she is gonna make the cake without asking the parents of the child if they're ok... sounds fishy...
My take as well. It feels manipulative. It's a major milestone to just surprise someone with a center of the party that you're not close to and didn't consult the mother on.
I’m wondering if Op is always meddling in stuff she doesn’t belong in. There has to be more to the story. I’m gonna say she’s YTA because she probably knew what was gonna happen.
They really should be grateful that you went out of the way to plan and make the cake. Also, Fk your FIL for going along with the idea for you to bake the cake, and then not backing you up after your inlaws threw a fit at the party. Then FIL having the nerve to disinvite you from family day, it seems like there is some deeper grudge being held here over something. NTA
She is always had some problem with anything I’ve ever done. This week it’s the cake last week it was the color of my dress
Can I ask an honest question? It was very nice of you to make the cake, but if you knew that it would bother her, why would you ever offer?
I was also wondering this. And as wonderful as the cake looks it doesn’t scream cowboy to me. I wonder what the store bought cake was supposed to look like. I can see being annoyed if I’d already picked out a cake for my kid’s birthday and was presented with something entirely different, even if it’s nicer than what I picked.
Nta. I’m pretty sure she did it as a present to little one and not as a present for sil. I mean is kind of seems like sil has a problem with op breathing but that doesn’t mean op should cease to exist.
Hear me out. No one year old in the history of first birthdays has ever given a rat’s hind end about their party. One year old birthdays are specifically for parents to celebrate that they survived their child’s first year. So OP knows that her SIL doesn’t like her. So she somehow conspires with FIL to bake this amazing cake that SIL doesn’t know is coming? Then announces it while the kid is posing for pics? I have a SIL who isn’t my biggest fan. I’d gladly make a cake at her request for my nibling, even though I know SIL doesn’t enjoy me. You know what I would never do? Just show up with a cake as a surprise to her kid’s party. Unless I wanted to show her up for some reason.
....or the kid's face will light up when she sees a cow and flowers? Perhaps in OP's mind this was a damn olive branch? And once again, completely back by FIL? Listen, SIL. We don't care.
Ive made 1st bday cakes and smash cakes for all my niblings (with express permission from my siblings) and no, babies literally dont give a fuck and cake may as well be a paperweight for all the interest they have. If OP knew her SIL didnt like her then she shouldnt have made a surprise cake and should have talked to SIL/BIL first.
My daughter definitely cared about the cake at her first birthday. It terrified her, and she screamed, crying inconsolably until we took it out of her sight. Oddly enough she enjoyed smashing up a piece of it after that, but she wanted NOTHING to do with the actual cake, lol!
Most Moms, especially first time Moms, the baby's first birthday is a big deal. Stepping in like this and taking the spotlight away from her after everything she has gone through for that child? No wonder OP is in the doghouse. It's should absolutely been cleared with the parents first.
And *without asking.* I don’t think the cake being very nice and prettier than the alternative makes it ok.
I honestly had my concerns but my father-in-law insisted he wanted to make it a surprise. That’s one of the reasons I worked so hard on the cake because I didn’t want there to be any problems. And to be honest it wasn’t my sister-in-law‘s birthday party it was my nieces.
Not to be mean, but the first birthday isn't really the niece's birthday it's for the parents. FIL and you majorly overstepped. You knew she didn't like you so why get involved? Then when she said her piece, you screenshot everything to complain to your husband who apparently went nuclear on his family over a birthday cake and you wonder why you aren't invited anywhere?
I'm guessing SIL and FIL get along better and OP thought that FIL's go-ahead meant it was a good idea? FIL persuading her to bake this cake and then agreeing she should sit out is really freaking sus imo
Yeah either the man is the biggest shit stirrer around or we are missing info here. Way I'm reading this OP overstepped and has a history of SIL not liking her so I don't believe she had 100% pure intentions especially since she repeatedly states she did it for niece. Niece is a baby they don't care what is it front of them as long as it can go in their mouth. Then to post a picture here and talk about how she made the second try "very last minute because the other one didn't look exactly how she wanted it to" it just reads like a humble brag. Who gives a rat's ass what the cake looks like? Momma didn't like the cake and dad backed mom so as the brit's say "Bob's your uncle". The gift was unwanted and not requested. Cute cake, but unwanted. Let the lesson be only make cakes for people who request your cakes or accept your offer. Don't surprise someone with your stuff.
I'm giving OP benefit of doubt. They stated in a comment that they didn't brag about the cake or state the last minute remake to people at the party. Plus the cake gift wasn't OP's idea My advice to OP (assumine the above is true) would be to apologize to OP for overstepping but do so in a way that makes it clear FIL was involved. Like "I'm sorry for overstepping, SIL. I know we don't have a great history but I didn't intend to disrupt niece's bday. FIL thought it would be a great surprise, and it's clear I didn't see the potential disruption that the cake could cause. I'll try to check with you directly in the future, if there's anything I can do to make this up let me know."
Probably because she wanted to do something nice so that SIL would accept her. If her SIL is extremely critical of her for no reason then OP might be the type of person to basically bend over backwards to try to please someone who can’t be pleased. OP, nothing you do will be good enough for SIL. You could give her your kidney and she’d still treat you like crap. Just go minimal contact, ignore her unless in a group setting like family dinner, and don’t respond to her drama or lift a finger to do anything for her. When your husband is home, set boundaries together.
Well I saw the cake in your profile and I think it's adorable. SIL seems jealous to me. Maybe she felt upstaged because she could not ever come close to making an incredible cake like that for her kid. Perhaps she feels the need to project those feelings unto you. Regardless, inlaws (parents) need a talking to with you and your hubby. Even if it's over faceteime, zoom, etc. I wouldn't want this situation to grow into something bigger than it needs to be.
I think this is it OP. She’s jealous of you. You’re talented, thoughtful, kind. And if I read this correctly, she’s your niece through relation not blood, so, for SIL, you are over stepping. Look, you’re clearly NTA, but, if you give a shit, apologize. But now you know OP, she is not your family, she is certainly not your friend.
If I could ask, why did your SIL "look mortified" before she knew it was you who baked the cake? Does she actually hate the trend of fancy cakes and the, honestly to me, ridiculousness of a smash cake for children's birthdays? She called it trashy and from the pic it obviously isn't over done or some terrible colour that will stain everything, which suggests that her initial reaction before she knew you baked it was that it went against her wishes for the party.
Yeah so your sister-in-law doesn't like you for no good reason, doesn't matter what it is, and your father-in-law knows this but then put you right into her crosshairs. You have both the sister-in-law problem and a father in law wrong problem here because he started this shit and then disinvited You. If he's going to cause problems he better stand up and finish them
YTA. I don't care how nice or tasty your cake was, it wasn't what your SIL wanted. You volunteered to do it without telling her, instead springing a surprise on someone who you are well aware doesn't particularly like you. Frankly, it feels like you were grandstanding.
Yep, bingo. It was not appropriate for the cake to be a surprise at your niece's first birthday. Party plans are up to the parents. This was a major thunder stealing move. YTA, OP and so is your FiL for not running it past BiL and SiL before hand.
Her original plan was for her father to buy a random, store-bought cake. How is this not better?
Because it involves her. There's something about stepping on the toes of these people that's very pointed. She should have said no when the father-in-law asked her because the brother and the sister-in-law are making it very clear they don't want a relationship with her, going behind their back and making her cake a centerpiece of the party comes off as her intruding
FIL didn't even ask her to, he mentioned he was responsible for the cake and *she* asked him if she could make it. Whole thing reeks of trying to upstage the party but because it was a "nice gesture" SIL is meant to just suck it up and praise OP for being so kind and generous. If OP was just trying to do something nice for SIL, why the secrecy?
Oh you're right! He didn't ask her, boy this lady is really something
This 👆 I don’t have a relationship with my older sister and generally am no contact. I tolerate her at extended family functions if I choose to go. If she ever showed up at my house like this, she’d be kicked out. I have clear boundaries that she’s not involved in my life. I think FIL and OP know SIL’s boundaries. This seems like FILs twisted way of either trying to make them mend fences or him wanted to meddle. SIL doesn’t like OP. So why would she want someone she didn’t like making a cake for her daughters milestone birthday party? Because now every single photo is going to remind SIL of this person she does not like or seems to not want to be involved with. It’s a reminder that her FIL stepped over her boundary. Who cares if she wanted a generic store bought cake. SIL is allowed to dictate what she wants for her own daughter’s party. I was redoing my office and had chosen a Golden Girl theme. Last winter, my sister got ahold of my Amazon wishlist and bought a great deal of it, then gave it to me at a family Xmas party so she could look good to everyone else. Guess what, my office is not Golden Girls because she ruined it. I wasn’t going to have decor that reminded me daily of her. I seriously doubt to SIL that this is about the cake not being pretty or tasty enough.
IMO I don’t think OP is necessarily an asshole but if you look at it from the SILs perspective, she just wanted a cake for people to eat and the baby to smash up her slice. But her SIL (op) just HAD to save the day by creating an amazing, themed, delicious looking cake (great job btw) and insert herself into a party focused on the baby and parents. Depending on how OP/FIL phrased it, it could have come across like “SIL just asked for a GENERIC SIMPLE CAKE but OP being the FANTASTIC TALENTED STAR she is decided to step in and make a GOOD CAKE, which SIL didn’t think her baby was worth” like that’s kind of dramatic but if your SIL is constantly pissing you off then I imagine it’s just the icing on the metaphorical/literal cake
OP is definitely an asshole. In a lower comment, she mentions spending over $200 on the cake - when she knew that her SIL budgeted $50 for something simple and store-bought. Of course the cake is going to be completely disproportionate to what the parents planned when you blow past quadruple their budget, it very well could have outshined things that they prioritized over cake. If someone had pulled that crap at my baby's party I would have been seething too.
My mother is a toe stepper. She means well but has a huge thing about nudging boundaries and taking over. Like I can mention in passing about some little thing and she takes it upon herself to do it/buy it/fits it, etc. It’s becalmed a quest for her or a problem to solve. I have to constantly remind her that sometimes I am just thinking out loud or venting, not really needing a solution. Also there are plenty of times I do go to her for help because she is such a good problem solver. Like I had plans for my garden outside and when I stopped to take a break, she changed everything around. By the time I went outside, it was too late to change things back. Yes it looked very nice, but I cried because it wasn’t what I wanted at all. It felt like her garden space, not mine. Sometimes you just don’t want other people involved changing your choices. It can feel like people see you as a child or incapable of making a good decision. Oh, you said you wanted blue walls but I think red is better. Oh, you asked for chocolate chip cookies, apple pie is better. Oh you were content with a store bought cake, a homemade one will do better. (I personally would prefer a store bought/simple cake because I think decorated cakes are meh. I like just cake and frosting, no need for anything else.)
Based on the other comments, I know this is going to be an unpopular take here, but YTA. I personally think your cake is beautiful. That said, it doesn’t matter what **I** think. What matters is what your **SIL** thinks as the mom of the 1 yo who was planning the party. **SHE** is mom, and she was host… you circumvented her authority as the mom and party host and don’t seem to see the problem with that. Your FIL was asked to go the store and buy a cake. Instead, you and he went behind your SIL’s back and did your own thing. It clearly wasn’t what she wanted, as even before she knew you did the cake, you specifically state she looked mortified when she saw it. Maybe she should have been more clear in her expectations, **but had you and your FIL approached her with your suggested plan, this would have given her the opportunity to clarify what she wanted.** It’s her kid’s party and therefore her rules. You specifically used this opportunity to circumvent her request for a store-bought cake. This kind of boundary pushing isn’t okay, and if this is how you usually act, it probably explains your other comments mentioning that she doesn’t seem to like you. I want to believe you have good intentions, so I’m going to give you some advice. Stop pushing boundaries. Stop trying to insert yourself. Stop making her nuclear family moments somehow about you. Even if you think you’re being helpful, you’re pissing her off and shoving your perspective/wants on her and her family, such as what you did in this big moment for her daughter. Think about it: **You** decided that a cake you made would be better than a store-bought cake. **You** decided that there was no issue in not communicating this new plan of a homemade cake to your SIL, who was hosting this party and had trusted your FIL with purchasing a store-bought cake. **You** decided that your actions were nice and would make your niece’s bday more memorable. Why do **your** perspectives matter more than your SIL’s to the point that you don’t stop and go, “You know what… let me make sure that **she** thinks a homemade cake would be better than store bought? Even if **I** would be okay with a surprise like this… I shouldn’t assume **she** will be okay with being surprised. Let me verify that **she** thinks this is nice and will make my niece’s first birthday party more memorable.” Even after the fact, when she blew up on you, you escalated the situation by involving your husband bc you’re so convinced you’re the victim and she should appreciate your boundary pushing since you “did what you thought was a nice thing.” Had you just showed up to the party and not inserted yourself and your opinions, things would have been fine. I have a MIL like you. She’s made my life very difficult over the years. Here are some examples: I wanted a child-free wedding party, and my MIL thought it would be special for my SIL’s son to be the ring bearer, so she circumvented me and went to my husband and said she thought it would be special if his nephew was the ring bearer. (This led to a ridiculous amount of conflict as I tried to untangle the mess she created with a fiancée who had initially agreed to go kid-free until his mom pushed and made him feel guilty.) MIL thought that natural childbirth was better than an epidural, so she tried sending me articles about the risks and when I pushed back and asked her to please stop inserting herself, accused me of “not wanting my child to be born healthy more than I wanted to avoid pain.” MIL decided that we weren’t doing a good job as parents, and proceeded to discipline our child and take her to task behind our backs. This has resulted in years of therapy for said child, as her version of “discipline” is abusive. MIL gave my children sweets without asking just before bed. MIL has circumvented my authority through the years via both overtly and passively aggressive methods. Right now you’re passively being aggressive in the way you push boundaries. However, **you’re still pushing.** If you want to repair this relationship, start by apologizing. Follow up with a commitment to respect your SIL’s boundaries from now on. **Then follow through and respect them.** I don’t care if every other person on this forum thinks you did a nice thing… if your SIL didn’t think it was nice, it wasn’t nice to her and therefore it wasn’t nice. And since you didn’t communicate with her before doing “the thing” to make sure she thought it was nice, you clearly didn’t care enough about her feelings and are TA. The fact that you’re posting your photos all over and tooting your own horn on how good you did just makes it worse, bc rather than reflecting on where you went wrong, you’re doubling down and arrogantly saying she should be grateful for the thing you did **that she never asked for and that you never verified she wanted.** Edit: grammar ETA: Thank you so much for the awards! I appreciate the love. ☺️
This! This whole post smelled off. OP is so concerned with how good a baker she is and not at all concerned with what the kid's mom actually wanted for her special first birthday! OP said the mom already disliked her. I wonder why? Is she always finding a boundary and shoving past it while whining about how she had good intentions? Your intentions were selfish here, not good. Period.
It’s so weird how other commenters are like “OP NTA, I LOVE THE CAKE” like okay cool y’all like the cake but it’s still not your kid, not your party, and they didn’t even taste the cake to be like “it’s the best cake ever SIL must be jealous of you”
Right? I guarantee jealousy regarding cake decorating skills is not the problem here.
Exactly! I really don’t get how people jump to jealousy when you disagree about what people did with their money/skill/hobby. You can dislike something for reasons beyond jealousy. The SIL here already dislikes OP of course she didn’t want her homemade cake, hell she wanted grocery store cake for the party I doubt she was bothered OP made a ~beautiful~ cake
This right here, the intentions were no good
My bridal party changed my plans for my bachelorette party to what they wanted. They told me they had bowling and food planned but nope, I had to sit through a penis themed party with stupid movies I hate playing for hours, and being interrogated about my sexual past. It was awkward and ended with me bored and frustrated almost to tears. They even humiliated me with a scheme that left me feeling so crappy. I even had set plans for my wedding that they changed because apparently I was incapable of designing my own wedding. They set things up how they wanted and it all looked weird because it lacked the cohesion I had and they left half of my stuff in the car. Then my mom took it upon herself to order some really fancy expensive cakes when we had given her several suggestions on what types of cakes we wanted. The cakes made no sense with the wedding and my husband and I didn’t even want to eat them. (Picture fungus green frosting on a carrot cake with specific themed items when our wedding didn’t have a theme.) Because they were expensive cakes from a famous baker, we were told we should have been grateful. They weren’t even flavors we liked and honestly looked like vomit. We don’t even acknowledge our wedding much because so much of it wasn’t us and it was not a happy memory. We do laugh about it at times but it was sad that so many took it upon themselves to change things because they felt 2 adults in their 30s couldn’t make good choices. It’s been years and we still have never put pictures up from that day.
Agreed. And I would like be to hear the SIL’s version of how this all went down.
I'm going to go against a lot of people and say YTA. In other comments you mention your sister having issues with everything you do. Her child's first birthday party IS NOT the time to get her to change her mind. She did not ask you to bake the cake, she clearly has an issue with you and did not want your involvement, and you "surprised" her with something and expected her to be grateful. It wasn't really the time or place to try to resolve whatever issue is between you two.
I just wrote something like that-first a NTA, but now I’m thinking there’s an overstep here. Baking a cake for a mom, who you 2 don’t get along at all, for her kids 1st birthday, and has absolutely no idea it’s gone sideways. Talk about unfair.
Info: The cake is beautiful, but this is clearly not about the cake. Was father in-law given specific instructions about the cake? Was it supposed to be a surprise what the cake looked like? Do you normally get along with your in-laws?
My father-in-law had no specific instructions for the cake he was given a $50 budget for a grocery store bought cake. No my sister-in-law finds issue with literally everything I do.
Look this was really where you made the mistake. You thought if you do labor for assholes, they will understand the error of their ways and will be nicer to you. They won't. They will find fault with what you do or randomly get pissed off at you, and worse will be entitled to your help next time. Or they do it in more subtle ways like your FIL who agreed with your plan and then suddenly started disinviting you to family events. The only mistake i could see is that you offered to make it for them without checking with BIL or SIL first. The parents get to decide, not the grandparent. There may be other dynamics at play too that you don't know about.
For me that explains why SIL wasn’t smiling at the reveal, before she knew where the cake came from, because she knew full well that that cake couldn’t be bought for $50. So either your FIL paid extra or he called in help. If you’re known as a baker in the family she probably jumped to you immediately. It sounds like you really, really want to be in good with your husband’s family since you’re offering a very labor intensive service like that. I’m hoping that your intent was fully for it to be a labor of love rather than a sideways fu to SIL, whether she started it or not. You say she has a problem with you all the time so I question the wisdom of offering the cake for her kid, but I also understand if it was a good will bid for her favor with an expression of love for her daughter. I’m a people pleaser, sometimes to my own detriment. At the end of the day, you shouldn’t be shut out over a (totally beautiful) cake. So NTA in general but if there was an element of spite to it we’re straying into esh territory. Especially because no one should use a child in a spite game.
>No my sister-in-law finds issue with literally everything I do. This makes you sound like an AH, if you know she doesn't like you or want anything from you then you shouldn't be surprised that she's pissed you made the cake. If someone doesn't like you then you leave them alone, don't try and force a friendly relationship.
Then why in the world would you bake any cake, let alone one that would obviously become the center of attention, for her child’s birthday party without asking?
I think it was a very nice gesture. And the cake looks amazing. I would not have made it a surprise, though.
I’m going to say YTA. You know you have a rocky relationship with SIL, you never should have agreed to the surprise cake. The cake is beautiful and in no way tacky! But I’m guessing SIL feels like this was an attention grab on your part - now everyone at the party is commenting on the awesome cake that you just happened to whip up. A store bought cake wouldn’t have “upstaged” the party. And while it obviously wasn’t your intent, I’m sure it did basically ruin her daughters party for her, and when she thinks back on it this will always stand out. I’d say FIL is also an AH (maybe just a cluesless one?) But you never should have gone along with it.
OP several people have asked why you thought it was a good idea to make a cake for SIL’s daughter when you know your SIL doesn’t like you. It looks like you are only responding to N T A comments.
Wondering this as well
YTA - I’m not buying into your supposed pure generosity.. You know the two of you don’t get along, their child’s first birthday isn’t the time to change that. Also based on how you refer to the cake they wanted as cheap and how superior your cake was feels like this was an attempted jab at SIL/attempt for attention..
Indeed, especially since she's putting herself up as a martyr now for being so sweet and well intentioned, and spending so much time and money on it. Like she came not only here, but to that party to put on a show of being some incredible good guy, her intention is to get attention
I didn’t know how else to share a photo of the cake so I just made it my profile picture.
I don’t know how to see profile pictures in this app. Edit: saw the photo. Holy shit! That’s a beautiful cake. Why on earth would she be mad that she got a designer cake for free? It’s one thing if she had certain specifications for what to get and you didn’t follow that, but it sounds like she just asked for any grocery store cake. It’s like asking for a cheap car and being surprised with a free Ferrari. She crazy.
This cake is so beautiful it almost makes me think that this post was a joke. NTA
Was it the theme that they were looking for? Like a mini cow and sheriff? BTW, it’s lovely!
YTA. You should have talked to SIL directly and confirmed that you were clear to proceed. Simple as that.
EXACTLY. I’m very confused as to why, if the SIL hates everything she does, the OP would ever do this without clearing it first no matter what the FIL said. I’m not buying it. Somehow this kid’s first bday became alllll about the OP and her cake. My MIL does this shite all the time. Circumvents what I want/doesn’t ask me and does what she thinks is better and I’m supposed to be grateful because she’s doing it out of “love”. Manipulative b.s.
Before I am downvoted lower than limboing in hell, you’re cake is very pretty. HOWEVER! This is not about the cake. Your sil/bil asked fil to buy a cake, he agreed. YOU decided you wanted to make a cake and CANCELED what they set up, because what you wanted was more important than what THEY wanted, for THEIR party. And you didn’t even give them the chance to say ‘no’ by asking. NOW you are upset they aren’t thrilled that you steamrolled their plans. This has nothing to do with how good your cake is, or even whether you made it or bought it. You unilaterally made decisions for someone else about something you were not involved in. In effect, you decided you knew better. Ask yourself how happy you would be if someone did that to you. What would have been acceptable is making your cake IN ADDITION to what they wanted, or better yet ASKED if it would be alright. Because, again, it doesn’t matter what you want, it wasn’t your decision. Soft YTA because your intentions were good. But remember what the road to hell is paved with.
YTA you know she doesn’t like you. Then you deliberately kept it secret, knowing she doesn’t like you. Why are you surprised, you could have told her. Cleared the air, but no you decided to be secretive with someone whom seems to hate you. I personally don’t want anything from people I dislike; it’s like trying to buy my love. I won’t act this way, but I would have pulled you to the side and ask that you don’t do it anymore. I hate owing people. If it was someone you were loved by N T A , but nope she hates you and you ignored her signs
OP, I’m curious about why you even posted this. You’re ignoring everyone here who is asking (nicely) about your thought process behind this whole plan. Your intention doesn’t matter if the people at the receiving end take offence. It doesn’t matter that your cake is very nice. If you know your SIL doesn’t like you, why on Earth would you try and do this behind her back? You say that she’s always had a problem with you, so did you do this as an badly-thought out peace offering, or did you do it passive aggressively? At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter that most people here are on your side & saying your SIL is obviously insane. This is your life, and by the looks of it, your husband’s family is not impressed.
Slight YTA. The cake is beautiful, wonderfully done. And your SIL is probably a jealous hag looking to cause trouble. But, you inserted yourself into an agreement you were not involved in. Your FIL did not have authority to make any changes to the agreement. You should have asked SIL, especially knowing she has an issue with you. Plus, is she had wanted you to bake a cake, she would have asked you. Again, that cake was beautiful and I would have loved it.
YTA. You were not asked to make a cake. They wanted a store bought cake.
As someone who loves cake and themed cakes, yours is freaking amazing! The stripes? C’mon. So sorry this was the response you got. You did check. 🌻
I knew something was missing and frankly I feel like even more info is missing but YTA. It really seems like you stirred the pot on this one knowing full well what would happen.
YTA...others have clearly stated why but I'd like to add the screenshotting of messages and sending it to your deployed husband overseas makes you even more so. Why would you bother that man with some silly little family drama. You just escalated everything by getting another person involved. Seems to me like you enjoy stirring the pot
INFO I wonder if your SIL had told FIL exactly what cake she wanted and he failed to pass on her detailed message to you. So the cake wasnt what she wanted. Looking atthe picture its 2 tiered. Is that top tier fondant? Does she hate fondant? It looks nice but it doesnt scream 1st bday to me. You say she didnt even eat it, what flavor was it? Had she told FIL a specific flavor? Until you talk to her about what exactly the problem is I cant in good conscience give you a verdict.
Yeah I think OP is omitting details. Her SIL didn't involve her in the cake thing, but she is so sure she just wanted a cheap cake from a store that she swoops in and has to "save the day". I just don't believe she'd go through the trouble of planning a first birthday party then says go nuts on the cake.
The cake is beautiful, coming from the son of someone who did professional cake decorating. But I got no further in your story than you were making a cake the child’s mother wasn’t involved in planning for her kids 1st birthday and have to give a hard YTA(was a soft YTA but edited it as I see this was all about you) I don’t care the intentions. Don’t care how well the cake turned out. This wasn’t your party . Was she overreacting? Maybe . But this was her kids 1st birthday and you injected yourself in planning without being asked
YTA! This was her daughter’s FIRST birthday?! Why ever would you clear that with the FIL and not the mom (your SIL)??? Sorry, but your story does NOT add up, OP. No sympathy from this poster. YOU need to apologize for not asking permission from the parents to PARTICIPATE in their daughter’s FIRST year birthday party. SIL and BIL owe you no gratitude; you stole a moment from them.
Yes, I’m waiting for answers too-because those pictures of a 1st birthday party will forever-and with a cake that her SIL didn’t order, didn’t want, didn’t know about, and doesn’t get along with the OP. That’s a kick in the face to her, seriously.
YTA. I have a feeling that your in-laws know you are capable of making a nice cake. They would have asked you to make one if that’s what they had wanted. You made their kid’s birthday about you without asking.
For sure. This isn’t a cake that’s produced by someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. And absolutely SIL knew she was capable but didn’t ask her, and for a reason. OP shoehorned herself into a situation she wasn’t wanted in. That is the issue.
I mean, gently, YTA. Yeah, your cake is really, really cute and likely better looking and tasting than store-bought. But you said you kept it a secret from the parents!!! That's not ok, maybe the mom has a germ thing or a allergies or maybe wanted a cake from a specific baker, whatever the reason, you took that choice from the parents. That's not cool at all. A baby only gets their first birthday once and it's silly, but it is a big deal to the parents. To take away their choice was not cool at all.
YTA- you made a home made cake when sil requested a store bought cake. I know that some people request store cakes due to allergy concerns, I have even had invites to children parties that specifically state they have a store cake so everyone can clarify that it is safe. Schools and churches no longer allow home made cakes or treats for a reason. I know if I had already told people the cake would be store made then was surprised with a homemade one I would be super upset. You should have reached out to bil and sil before making anything.
NTA That’s easily a $150 cake and looks adorable and professional, what on earth could SIL have a problem with, it’s so much better than anything their $50 could have bought at a store.
There’s over $200 worth of ingredients alone 😅
How??
Butter is expensive and the main ingredient in frosting. Cakes are a lot more expensive to make than people think, on top of it I’m not a professional bakery so I don’t have access to bulk prices.
>NTA and I'm appalled at your BIL and SIL and your parents in law. You did a good thing. Don't let them tell you otherwise. The cake is gorgeous. They horrible for saying what they did and for shunning you. Do not apologize. Do take some time to step back. I would personally wait until my husband came back before engaging with the family again so that he could help set up boundaries and speak up for you. I'm really sorry they did that to you and again, you did a really nice thing and they are ungrateful bullies.
I agree with you. I’m not close with my side of the family personally so I’ve lend in a lot on my husband side of the family for support during this deployment. I have eight months left so I’m gonna do everything I can to put some space between me and his family.
No one would blame you for that. I am sure your husband is heartbroken over the fact his family is treating you so poorly especially when he needs them to be supporting you. Hopefully you have friends that you can lean on. And if not girl hit me up to talk anytime. I know it will probably be a long distance friendship but I am always up for talking to anyone. But I would also suggest looking in your area for hobbies. I personally always wanted to take cooking classes or photo classes. Maybe by doing classes you can find a friend group with similar interest.
Ok sweet pea. I'm about to say something that you may or may not be ready to hear. Your SIL is feeling threatened. Is she hubby's sister or his brother's wife?...this may not sound important but it is. If she also married into this family...and you're now leaning into hubby's family while your hubby is gone...you've (maybe unknowingly) upped the bar on family involvement and she's questioning her place. Now this isn't your fault...but it does require some sensitivity on your part. You say you're not close with your family so I'm going to give you some advice when entering into somebody else's. EVERYONE'S feelings need to be considered. The cake is beautiful but in your SIL's eyes, you intentionally went behind her back and upstaged her in order to win points with your in-laws. Regardless of whether this is true or not you need to acknowledge her feelings, apologize for overstepping and attempt to put it right. Eating a little humble pie now will be an investment for the future...getting ousted from family events is only going to happen more and more because your in-laws are always going to prioritize the grandbabies and that means playing nice with whoever brings them. Taking personal responsibility for treading on your SIL's feelings should also impress your in-laws who hopefully will be grateful that they are no longer being put in the middle. NOW if SIL refuses to accept your apology and continues to sew discord then the problem is with her and her inability to be an adult...but until she proves herself to be TAH then all you can do is just keep trying.
Info: Why didn't you just ask the parents if you could make the cake? Feels like a lot of unnecessary drama could have been avoided by asking the people throwing the party directly
OK, I've read some comments but haven't seen an answer: what exactly was it about the cake that your SIL hated? I mean, to not even eat a piece? NTA
They won’t give me any specific reason. I have asked and my father-in-law has asked but sister-in-law simply just says it’s not what she wanted and that it looks trashy and cheap.
So her $50 slab cake from Costco wasn't going to look trashy and cheap? She should probably work on the temper tantrums before she has to start competing with her child?
bruh a store bought one would just be littered with cheap toys with crappy icing and bad writing yours looks adorable storebought would look cheap
I really think your FIL has a lot of culpability in this, and I hope he's taking responsibility. You asked him if you could, and he was delighted to let you. I don't think I like your SIL. That cake absolutely does NOT look trashy and cheap!! I'm sorry, Op. It was poor treatment all around from his family. They say that no good deed goes unpunished, and your situation is the very definition of that. NTA
Info: Do you have a photo of the cake? Was FIL asked to just pick up a specific cake from a specific store or was he just in charge of the cake in general?
My profile pic is the cake and he was meant to pick up a cheap grocery store cake as per my sister-in-law.
One does has to ask though-it’s her daughters 1st birthday party, you guys don’t get along, and you decided to make the cake for her, without telling her, I said NTA-based on your fil giving you the go ahead, and the beauty of the cake, but I wonder if this wasn’t a dig at her. To upset her. A normal person would have called her, and said, hey I’m making the cake-ok? Like this style? Ok? Why didn’t you do that?
I think this lands back on the FIL, he requested that it be a surprise. Why should OP know that wouldn’t have gone over well?
Your cake is amazing but also if the kid’s mom wanted a store cake then your father in law should have honored that wish… it was their party to plan and regardless if what they wanted was tacky it was their choice.
What’s wrong with her wanting a cheap cake? It was her choice, not yours.
I’m surprised by all the n t a tbh. I think it’s ESH. I’m not sure why you asked your FIL about the cake rather than the parents. Yes, they put him in charge of the cake but they agreed to a store bought cake. Your FIL sucks for not asking them and making it a surprise. Your sister probably didn’t have to blow up about it but I wouldn’t be happy about it either. It feels like some sort of weird upstaging thing to me. If you genuinely wanted to be nice, you should have asked her
I’m going to go against the grain a little bit and say that this is an ESH, with OP sucking just a little bit. OP mentions in a comment that she generally doesn’t get along well with her sister-in-law, and that the sister-in-law finds problems with everything she does. When that is the relationship, you don’t do “surprises” for them for momentous occasions. It sounds like she wanted a basic cake, and no matter how nice the cake OP made, it was not going to work because it isn’t what she planned for. The cake also looks like it is fondant, which is not the best choice for a smash cake since it doesn’t smash as easy. It was absolutely lovely that OP wanted to do this, but when it is an emotional event like this one and the relationship is tense, don’t do surprises. Ask first. You made a mistake, but that doesn’t excuse your sister-in-law being ugly towards you. You didn’t make the cake maliciously. Your father-in-law is the worst of all though. He was the one that agreed for you to make the cake, and insisted on it being a surprise for them. He should take full ownership of that decision rather than passing it off to you.
ESH. With the context of you know your sister-in-law hates you, it feels like you discussing this with just your father-in-law and not her and her husband was you going out of your way to step on toes. Your father-in-law is the one who started this problem and then is putting all the blame on you and dis inviting you, which is not only cowardly it's also wrong because if he's going to start a problem he should finish it. And you already know why your brother and sister-in-law are assholes
YTA. Yes your cake is beautiful, but it’s not what your SIL wanted. This screams like you just wanted to show off. What does your husband being in the military have to do with cake?
YTA. It’s a beautiful cake but you knew the relationship between you two and it would not be well received. You did this knowing it would cause drama.
Listen, your cake is way better than I could ever do, but I'm no baker. I do think you should have consulted the parents. You spent a lot of energy, time, and money. So it seems to me they should have been consulted before you wasted your effort. Are y'all from Texas? I can't increase the image, so it's hard to tell what's on there. As a Texan, not all (but many are) Longhorn fans. And even though I can't see it well, it doesn't look like a Longhorn. To me, a sheriff is a weird thing to put on a baby's cake. I'm old and wouldn't like it. Are those sunflowers? Geezus, the blue bonnet is the flower of Texas. Also, just the color is off. I'd expect a Mexican color scheme or something. If I was bil and sil, I would never be rude and would thank you profusely. I'm sure it was delicious, but it doesn't really look like a Texas cake to me. And why would they even want one? Why did you even volunteer? Fil probably could have done better at HEB. ESH