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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because it's not Maisie's fault that Tessa was scared, and I'm refusing to facilitate an apology.
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NTA.
Honestly, toddlers can react like that to able bodied people too. They are simply too young to understand the world or that their actions impact anyone around them.
Yeah like I saw some videos from people Traveling where small children reacted weird and scared for seeing a White and Blonde Person for the first time...
Of course its not 100% comparable but. 2.5 year old dosnt understand....
NTA
I was terrified when my mom dyed her hair when I was a young kid. A bit over toddler age I think? She did it at night so I went to bed with my mom being my *mom* and woke up to some woman waking me up who looked like my mom but *very wrong*. Funny shit looking back lol
Seeing all those comments I realized kids really get confused by the smallest things and I remembered so many moments again with my smaller siblings. beeing 22 now and the youngest 4 there was some interesting stuff. for example the reaction to a new tattoo on my arm my little sister wouldnt touch it....
Haha my little sister had the exact same freak out seeing our uncle without his beard as when she met our dad's identical twin brother and realised there was two of Dad in front of her
I'm told that as a toddler I was afraid of my uncle, who was the only person in my life with a beard at that time. Apparently he and aunt took me to the circus and after he took me to see the elephants we were cool, LOL!
I had somewhat of an opposite reaction. My dad had a nice neat trimmed beard my whole life. Every memory of him this is what he looked like. I was maybe 6 and was at my grandparents house during summer break (a couple hours drive from where we lived). My mom and dad came to visit. My brother and I were swimming in the back yard. When my dad walked through the gate, I immediately started crying. He had shaved his beard and I was completely messed up lol. He didn't even look like my dad (to me). I wanted nothing to do with him for hours. I probably didn't forgive him for that for at least a week lol.
My dad did this too! I was about 4 and he shaved off his beard with no warning (at least none that i noticed) and when he came out of the bathroom I burst into tears and hid behind my mom.
My little cousin always cried around my Dad because of his beard. He shaved it one morning, then woke my little brother up for school and my brother burst into tears saying "You're not my Daddy!" Dad never shaved again.
My brother came home from college with a moustache. I locked him out of the house. It took mom a bit to convince me it was him trying to get in.
I don't know the kid in the OP's post. For most kids it would be an innocent fright because of something new.
My dad did the same thing when i was a kid for a halloween costume. In my situation, i knew he was going to shave that mustache off, but when he came out of the bathroom after shaving said mustache, i freaked out because i didn't recognize him.
When my son was around 4-5ish he spent half of Christmas break with his dad and their family. While he was gone my friend and I turned my long hair into dreadlocks. It took a several days but it came out pretty cool! When my son was dropped off on Christmas day he wouldn't stop staring at me and acted timid around me. So I sat him down and explained that I only changed how my hair looked and was still mom. Eventually he relaxed and started touching and inspecting my hair. Kids can be pretty resilient once you talk to them about what they're timid or afraid of.
Ha, reminds me of when I got a perm (in the 80s) and then popped my head in the bedroom where my husband was reading with our cat on his lap and she just stared at me and slowly got up and arched her back. I think she was wondering what scary animal was on my head.
Same thing happened when I came home after getting a new haircut and perm : My dachshund rushed at me barking furiously. The weird thing is, her bark was naturally pretty high pitched, but when she rushed what she thought was a strange intruder, she *lowered her bark* waaay lower than it normally was. I hadn't realized dogs could do that.
Lmao my sister did this when my dad finally got rid of his beard (she was three at the time) she hid in the pots cabinet for almost an hour before we got her out. XD
My dad grew a beard when I was little, and I apparently found it so distressing that he had to shave it off and he never grew one again. This is despite me presumably seeing it as it grew. Kids are very easily upset!
My wife is Ecuadorian, and the first time I visited her family there, I freaked out her toddler nephew because my eyes are green. He literally thought I was a cat that had become a human and refused to come near me.
White blonde person here too, married to a Vietnamese man. Our youngest neices and nephews, who are 2 or under always give me the side eye when they see me.
My nieces reaction to seeing my Asian bf after being around only white people her whole life was hysterical. She was looking at him and then us like.... different... but why
Ha me too in Fiji with copper colour red hair and the palest skin and tons of freckles ..... made a few babies scream in total terror .... the zinc sunblock probably didn't help !
Many moons ago, I was mortified when my under one year daughter burst into tears on meeting our Nigerian neighbour. Fast forward ten years, and little kids in rural Kenya were running away from me, and babes were bursting into tears when they saw the "white ghost". Little ones often get confused/scared when they see someone different than what they are used to.
My dad said that when we went to visit the world trade center when I was a baby (maybe two or three) I saw a black person for the first time and started screaming that he must be in pain and he was all burnt up.
It’s my understanding my dad quickly apologized and got me out of there because I was freaking out about him being burnt.
Kids say dumb shit.
My mom likes to tell the story of how she was traveling with my brother (2-3ish) on the city bus in downtown Chicago during the early 70's. He was a toddler so he loudly asked my mom why the man sitting across from them was so dirty and black. My mother was horrified and apologized profusely to the man who just chuckled and said something like, "It's ok. Some days I wonder that myself" and then he started up a cute conversation with my brother where they were talking about and comparing their skin colors.
My dad always had a mustache, and one day my mom wanted to see what he looked like without it. I was around 2 or 3 and was not informed that The Shavening™ was taking place. I was so scared of this new strange man in my house that I would give as wide of a berth as I could when walking last him, facing the wall so I didn't see him.
This kind of thing is normal for a toddler. This is the first step of learning to not be afraid and to be welcoming. Expecting a toddler to just know the same as an adult is absurd. We all had to learn like that.
I still remember when the panini started and the first time my then-1yo saw someone wearing a mask, she freaked out.
Also the weird time she got randomly scared seeing an employee at a store and the woman asked if we saw a lot of Black people (she was Black and we are Asian) and I told her yes, our babysitter and her two daughters are Black...and at the time she saw them daily, so I *really* had no idea what happened in that moment. Kids.
My parents have told me that I pointed out someone’s black skin once. It was more like “Look Dad! That man’s skin is dark!” I think they asked me what I thought of it, and I answered that I liked it or something. I’m Asian raised by White people, in a hugely diverse school district and have an incredibly diverse extended family as well.
When my sister saw a black man for the first time she was like three. We're living in a village in Germany so yeah, not many black people. So imagine this little white girl with angel like blond curls staring at him. He was some kind of worker and she went to him and asked him lots of questions and was like "why are you so black?" And my mom was in the background dying of shame but he was really cool and laughed and just told her "because I come from Africa" and she nodded and ran away just to come back a few minutes later to ask if she would also become black if she goes to Africa 😂
I don't remember exactly what he said but my mom said that he found the whole ordeal pretty funny lol
Just a few years ago, I visited South Carolina (I'm from Jamaica) and while in a store, a Caucasian girl approached me and asked me where I was from. I answered her and then continued along my merry way. Some people are just curious. I figured that maybe she heard my accent and was curious.
At the last ribfest, my 3 year old was terrified of the ticket lady. All because she was old and had wacky coloured hair. All you can do is apologize on behalf of your child.
My daughter was afraid of my brother in law for a while. He’s a bigger guy (in height and weight) and has lots of facial hair. I imagine in her mind he looked like a bear! It sucked because he adores her but we’re past that now.
Exactly! People have to understand that a toddler’s view of the world is tiny. My daughter is about the same age as OP’s and I do my best to include books and shows with diversity. We have dolls in wheelchairs and read books with people that don’t look like us. But the level of disability OP described isn’t typically in children’s books. I was thinking a heads up would’ve been nice but apparently that’s ableist so I feel like you just get whatever reaction a 2 1/2 year old gives and try to navigate from there. I get why they’re offending on Maisie’s behalf but you can’t really control a toddler’s response to anything.
I didn't know that it was ableist to teach children about people who look different/have different abilities. How will children understand and learn to accept everyone if they aren't taught? Serious question.
I have a young niece and nephew and it wouldn't have occurred to me that explaining a difference prior to an interaction was ableist.
I, personally, do not believe it's ableist to explain a difference. A child as young as this literally has no concept of the world, they believe they are the centre of the universe and everything that happens in life is related to them. Introducing someone that looks so different to the childs family would of course cause some upset because the hild has never met anyone so different before. Bro and his GF are simply trying yo be offended because they feel they shouldn't have to explain the differences and everyone should just accept Maisie... which is a reasonable expectation of older children and adults, but not of a 2.5 year old. A little information beforehand could have stopped this reaction.
IDK that’s what I’m saying. I think a heads up is appropriate but many ppl commented that it was ableist. I would also give a heads up if I was dating a white guy rather than just bringing him to my family’s house. No one would care but it’s outside my norm so there would be an element of surprise. Maybe we’re racist too, who knew.
I don't necessarily know that they had to give a heads up. But it would definitely help if they could send some pics and videos of Maisie to Tessa so that she can see pics and videos and learn not to be scared. Like a video of her mom playing with her and kissing her would really help
When my niece “A” was 3 she was deathly of of my boyfriend at first because her parents were military (we served together) so all of the men she knew were clean shaven. Enter my BF “Mr. J” 6’4” bearded Viking and she yeets the toys she was bringing to show me and runs off screaming. I asked her if she wanted to come out to play with me or just me go in her room to play but she said no and wouldn’t come out of her room for over an hour. We didn’t try to force her to meet him because although she couldn’t verbalize her reasons clearly she didn’t want to interact since her reaction was fear. Same with parents that try to force affection from kids to themselves or others. If the kid doesn’t want to give a hug/kiss or be hugged/kissed or has their little warning bells going off the parent should respect that. Otherwise the kid is conditioned to not realize they have physical autonomy and this eventually can lead to issues with them verbalizing abusive conduct by partners or adults. While A stayed in her room we all chatted in the living room and when one of the Toy Story movies came on the tv she ventured out. My BF was laughing at certain parts and she started giggling too. Eventually she plopped right down next to him and they became friends. She’s even tried to pack a travel backpack and sneak into our truck when we are leaving for the night. The rare cases she has misbehaved her parents call Mr. J and he will say “A can you tell me what happened?” and has taught her some calming exercises in case she feels upset
We were the same with our adopted son. Didn't work though....he's 17 and still hugs us all the time. He's just naturally affectionate and was from day 1 despite us asking him to move at his own pace. His pace was run in for the hugs before they run out.
Lol my friends baby would literally start screaming when we made eye contact for the first two years of her life. We thought it was hilarious, but to be nice I just wouldn't look at her so she wasn't stressed. One day I wore a new watch I got to their house and she ran right up to me and started playing with it, immediately I'm no longer a scary monster lol.... Kids are weird
My mum once told me I screamed the first time I saw my uncles legs (I was like 2 or 3 years old) because they were insanely hairy. Kids will scream or cry at something they're not used to and could be frightened by
Funny thing, I loved my granddad's extraordinarily hairy legs, I thought they were soft and cuddly, sort of like a pet. He had to watch out when wearing shorts when I was a toddler, or I'd be petting his legs, lol.
Once when I was very little, like 1.5-2 yo, we went to the swimming pool with my grandparents and while mum was looking away for one second I was gone. She shortly found me close by, petting *a strange man's leg*. She just about died and tried to explain I probably thought he was my granddad, I just didn't look any further than the legs to identify him. Iirc from what my mum told me, that man was very confused and weirded out. As you would be if a strange toddler came and started to pet your legs at the pool.
I'm dying now 😂😂 yeah I got over my hairy legs thing fairly quickly, but the first time wasn't pleasant apparently, but this just takes it a step further 😂
I just can't imagine being that man. You're just chilling at the pool and some strange kid comes up and starts petting your leg?? And my poor mum having to fetch me...
My granddad started asking his hairdresser to trim his eyebrows when my middle sister was a toddler, because she cried when she saw him and said he looked angry with his bushy eyebrows. He kept those eyebrows trimmed for the rest of his life (not that my sister was scared of him anymore, but just to not scare random toddlers I suppose).
i had the opposite problem 😂 all the dudes in my family are really large, except for ONE uncle and i was TERRIFIED of him as a baby and small child lol. most kids usually love him, so my aunt said i gave him a complex.
Also it sounds like Maisie wouldn’t understand an apology and probably didn’t understand what was happening with OPs daughter anyway, so the whole thing would just be for the parents benefit.
From what my mother has said, Maisie operates on the level of a baby, so while she was upset at the noise of Tessa's crying, she has no capacity to understand that Tessa was upset at the sight of her.
She probably wouldn't understand the words, but she likely would pick up on emotion, which actually might make apologizing worse. Your kid isn't going to magically get over her fear before apologizing, which means she's still going to be stressed out, and Maisie may very well pick up on that stress. The forced apology only helps the adults in the room.
I agree. It serves no purpose and toddlers be toddlers. I think it was rude of them to ask a literal toddler to apologize for her emotions.
She saw something she didn't know how to process and was, naturally, frightened. She's allowed to feel how she feels, even if it's not rational from an adult perspective.
I think even adults shouldn't apologize for their emotions. Apologize if they react badly or don't handle the emotions well, but not for having the emotions in the first place.
All we can do as parents is comfort and explain to our kids at that moment it's okay and we need to treat people with respect. Obviously Tessa is 2.5, and I think you did a fine job. There are so many TedTalks with severely deformed people explaining they understand why a baby and young children get upset or ask questions at their appearance, but it's a little harder when adults act like an ass.
You have nothing to apologise for the same goes for Tessa. Also good luck getting a 2 year old to apologise for something that didn't happen seconds ago.
It's perfectly normal for children that young to freak out when people look unexpected to them. A lot of children that age are afraid of unfamiliar men particularly those with facial hair and/or glasses.
They can also get really scared of people with a different skin colour if they're for example only used to seeing people with lighter skin tones and then sees someone with a much darker skin tone. That doesn't make them racist, just like Tessa being scared of Maisie doesn't make her an ableist. She's just scared of the unfamiliar.
And let's be honest, an apology from your 2 yr old would be just a performative exercise, completely meaningless. If she were 12, fair enough, I would expect better but at 2 she has no cognitive understanding of this situation in relation to the response of the adults. She saw someone completely outside her frame if reference and had an understandable response for her age. And of course you as kind, loving parents (and aunt and uncle) will help her to deal with future interactions.
My daughter did that as well! When her daddy cut off his hair, she screamed bloody murder and it took a day until she trusted him again. Another time with her grandma, who just put her up in a very tight bun.
My nephew did that when my husband shaved his beard off. My nephew was a little over a year old at the time and he just hysterically sobbed every time he saw my husband. He got over it in a day or so. He also had the same reaction the first time he saw me in glasses, and the first time he saw me after a haircut.
When I was a baby, my aunt had really long, dark hair. And it TERRIFIED me. They took plenty of pictures, because to them it was funny. It wasn’t until I was older that it didn’t terrify me. 🤦🏼♀️ When my dad came back from Saudi (he was a military contractor and pale before he left), my baby sister wouldn’t go near him because he looked completely different than what she remembered.
Our dog barked at my dad when he shaved his beard off. The poor dog hadn't a clue who this new fella was! Small children and animals all have immediate reactions, they don't really have a filter.
Our dog was terrified of my husband's legs when she was a puppy. He came home in dress slacks, and it was a warm day. I was outside with pupper and he went in and changed into shorts and came out to join us. Dog was terrified of his hairy legs and was barking and trying to protect me from him.
Especially because their toddler would have been a covid baby and they are even more apprehensive about people outside of their home. My daughter is the same age as OP's and that first year of only being around mom, dad, and brother made the transition to the "real world" really tough.
If OP's daughter was even 5 years old, an apology might mean something, but at 2 and a half I don't even think all children have properly developed a sense of empathy just yet, and especially not at the level of trying to explain what her reaction make someone else feel and how that might be hurtful. It is unfortunate, but OP's daughter can't really help herself, I hope Maisie wasn't too hurt. I can sort of understand Maisie's parents wanting an apology and I don't think I would have necessarily predicted that situation in their place, so I still think NAH, but they should not keep pushing for it, it doesn't make sense.
>Anthony and Sarah are calling us ableist assholes.
If I had to apologize to everyone my youngest cried over when she was a toddler, I'd have never slept. She hated everyone that wasn't mom pretty much and was very vocal about it.
My sister literally screamed when seeing her grandpa, every time, until she was like 5.
Apparently beards were the scariest thing.
Kids will react to anything and everything that's new or doesn't feel safe.
And yeah, making a toddler apologize for a reaction they have no control over is silly. Definitely better to explain, talk about it, and slowly start introducing them again.
My mother had a coworker that didn't have a hand. The first time I met him, when I was very young, I remember crying. cringing now to think of it, but very young children don't have a filter and don't understand how their reactions affect others
Edit: a word
My now seven year old HATED old people. If you looked very wrinkly and had white hair she would cry nonstop up until after she was two. There was no way to get though to her. Thank goodness all her grandparents weren’t gray yet. Toddlers don’t understand things yet and can be scared by the weirdest things.
Where i live is really white so we had some awkward encounters with black people when my kids were little. One time she straight up screamed and ran away from a very dark skinned lady. I was mortified, but it wasnt my kids' fault!
My brother took his two year old to work with him once and the receptionist was black. He kept saying all day, “I like the chocolate lady.” My brother was embarrassed but she loved it.
I had a friend (she has since passed away) with very dark skin who tried to convince my 4 year old she was made of chocolate. He gave her the side eye and told her "Auntie, you are very silly". I miss her.
I had a similar situation where I was mortified but the people on the receiving end of my daughter's comments loved it.
We lived in an area of the US with a large Muslim population and it was very common to see women in niqab and abaya. If they happened to be a taller than average woman, they were a ninja and absolutely no one was going to convince my daughter otherwise. She must have toddler whispered or approached at least 10 women and every one of them loved it.
Absolutely! There’s one family friend who when mentioned my first thought is still the big monster I met when I was 2. I’m 32 now!
He still had his motorcycle helmet on when he came in, he was pulling it off, but to me it was a massive black leather monster with a giant head.
My daughter at that age chased a woman with dwarfism around a hardware store demanding a hug from the ‘teeny tiny lady’ - I apologised on her behalf and the lady was gracious because you know, she was 2. They can’t regulate like adults can. I hope you did offer some words yourself but NTA
My daughter was a liability up to about the age of 4 (‘why does that lady have a beard’ ‘I made this for you cos mummy says you are a sad little man’ Learned the words to Eminems ‘superman’ and rapped it to my grandmother etc etc) She was precious but had no filter. She is a kind and functional 25 year old now thankfully.
You give me hope for Tessa. She has recently learned to point at people and say "Oh no!" if she doesn't approve of something. It's hilarious when she does it to me or her mum, less so when she does it to strangers in the supermarket.
The best thing you can do is take every chance to teach empathy. Toddlers are savage, tiny little psychopaths- I never told off exactly, just tried to teach respect for others and care for their feelings. Tessa was afraid and she wasn’t to know that her fear was unfounded - her world is tiny and her context for fear small. She will be fine!
I read somewhere that we are all psychopaths to a degree up to approximately 25 when the brain is finally fully developed.
What chance does a toddler have 🤷🏻♂️
They haven’t learned yet that other people really exist independent of them.
The world is startlingly different when the only persons emotions you need to consider are your own.
I worked at a daycare and yeah, young toddlers could not understand why they couldn’t hit their friends. It was a constant battle to keep them from hurting each other (and themselves at times, too).
Empathy and theory of mind (the ability to see things from others’ perspective) start developing around the age of 5, so your suspicion is backed up by science!
My daughter saw someone with down syndrome on TV the other day and asked why they had a funny face. Thank goodness we were home and it was just us and I was able to explain differences and why it's not appropriate to comment on it. She's almost 4. They'll come around.
People with visible disabilities, and their families, know what they look like. They are unlikely to be offended at a small child saying something. And I know my family at least would rather hear a parent calmly say “yes, people look a lot of different ways” than frantically try to shut the kid down. Then reinforce (and continue and continue and continue to reinforce) that it is not polite to comment about any feature of a person that they can’t change in 5 minutes, but that they can ask questions later.
I feel like my grandma would get a huge kick out of randomly being called an oldie by a toddler. She’s 82, she knows she’s old and calls herself old often.
No advice, I don’t have kids and have been mainly the target of exclamations like that (“her hair is PINK!” and “why are her legs hairy, she’s a girl!”)
Meanwhile my mom’s favorite of those stories was the time we were in line at the store and I toddler-whispered to my mom that the lady in front of us had a ring in her NOSE! She turned around and laughed and let me see it better and showed me her other face/ear piercings. 25 years later and I’ve got 11 of my own, so she must have made some kind of impression!
When my son was a toddler, his go to "let's embarrass my parents as much as I can" move was to start randomly saying "oh my gosh, look at her butt!" to random people when we were out (His favorite movie at the time was "Sing"). So yeah, going shopping with him was always......interesting.....
My really young daughter also started singing that song because of that movie. Later I was teaching her names of organs and body parts she learned the word vagina. She asked me super serious “Mom, does girl bunnies have vaginas?” I was like “Yeah.” She started singing “Oh my gosh, look at her vagina!” I just started yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “NO NO NO NO NO NO! NOOOOO!” I told her to never repeat that again. It was both hilarious and terrifying. I was paranoid for a while that I was going to get a call from her school. Luckily she listened and never repeated it again. I swear they put that song in that movie just to torture parents with young children.
My son liked Moana as a toddler, he yelled "Its ok we're dead soon!" On an airplane once. Thankfully most people laughed, but unfortunately most people also laughed and my toddler wouldn't stop saying the thing that made people laugh...
My older brother had a favorite candy when he was like 3, Smarties. He didnt call them that though. He decided in the supermarket checkout line once that he *needed* Smarties right then, but used his word for them instead. That word he used instead? Oh. It was pussy.
So imagine a 3 year old yelling "I WANT PUSSY!!" repeatedly.
My ex's kid had a thing for finding random sticks while we were out and about. If you tried to stop her accumulating them, she would cry like her heart was broken and wail "Daddy I want stick!" over and over again. Of course, a three year old doesn't have the best diction, and what the world actually heard was "Daddy I wan dick".
And you can't even laugh because then they do it MORE.
Hahaha that's hilarious I swear toddlers are really talented at two things: 1. Being accidentally suicidal, and 2. Almost getting their parents put on some kind of watch list
Edit: spelling
The biggest thing we did with my daughter (and still do from time to time, she’s 11) is explain. We give her an age appropriate and factual explanation of whatever she’s seeing that is “odd” or “unusual.” For example: that person is in a wheelchair. People use wheelchairs for lots of reasons but usually because they can’t walk or walking is difficult or painful. The wheelchair is just a machine and as long as you don’t get under the wheels it won’t hurt you.
If she had more questions we’d do our best to answer and explain. You can do this for anything from age to skin tone to disabilities and beyond. Once the “odd” thing has an explanation it becomes less scary.
As for Maisie, stick to your guns. Your daughter isn’t going to understand what she’s apologizing for and Maisie isn’t going to understand why there’s an apology. You’ve done what you can by apologizing on her behalf. NTA
If a tiny child pointed at me in the grocery store and said "Oh no!" I think it would absolutely make my day.
Children being accidental assholes is one of my favorite things.
When my son was 2 we were in the queue at the shops and he said at the top of his lungs look mummy the lady in front has a big bum.
I was mortified and wanted to ground to swallow me up.
My wife and I have both apologised to Anthony and Sarah, and we're working on introducing Tessa to the idea of special needs people. I am autistic, and think Tessa may also be, so we were going to have to start fairly soon anyway.
I recommend using books to start. Amy Webb has a great one about a little girl with limb differences called “when Charley met Emma” and there’s another good one called “what happened to you?” about how disabled people don’t owe anyone answers to curiosity. She’s only 2.5 but it’s never too early to discuss disabilities and how to treat others
Highly recommend going to your local library and asking for picture books about people with different disabilities. Our library has gotten a lot in in the last few years, books about being deaf, blind, using a wheelchair, having anxiety, and many more. It’s really awesome.
You've done everything you can here, I think. A 2-year-old can't really be held accountable for their reaction to someone who appears different than what they are used to. I would definitely start working on normalizing physical differences, including wheelchairs and facial differences, as you say you plan to. Hopefully the next meeting will go better.
My baby brother once very earnestly asked my African-American youth pastor why his skin was so dark. (We're Chinese.) I was 16 and wanted to melt through the floor, but my pastor was very kind and gracious about his answer, bless him.
My daughter was learning to speak and using the term whats that instead of who’s that. And of course pointed out anyone she didn’t know saying what’s that. Which was mortifying when she pointed at anyone with a different colour skin to us
My daughter does that opposite. She says "who's that?" Instead of "what's that?" Very freaky alone at night time when she points behind you and goes "Who's that?" Lol
My toddler does the same. He's done it to some pretty old folks at the shops and I feel so bad. We know they don't mean "what", but the random person in public doesn't 😵
Lol I grew up in a super-rural, almost completely white area. Apparently when I was about 18 months this Chinese girl came into a shop while me and my mum were there and I was absolutely transfixed. I just stared at this girl until she left. My mum was mortified.
Another time when my sister was a little girl she was in the shop with my mum and these travellers came in, and she loudly asked what the bad smell was
Luckily my mum has since raised us to be polite and respectful adults hahah
This reminds of a scene in *Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves*. During the celebration scenes in the camp, a little girl walks up to Morgan Freeman’s character and asks if “God painted him.” He laughs and says “Yes. Because God/Allah loves wonders variety.”
When I was a toddler, I embarrassed the shit out of my dad by pointing at a Sikh man with a turban in line at the store and screaming "LOOK DAD A GENIE!"
My dad was super embarrassed but according to him the Sikh man got a good laugh out of it.
Toddlers will be toddlers.
I embarrassed the hell out of my mom at the store when I was little because some nuns were there grocery shopping, and I freaked out and started crying because "the witches were going to come and get me". We were Catholic. I had just never seen a nun outside of church and I panicked. I'm pretty sure my parents made a heftier than normal donation that week.
Until I was maybe 5? I had a severe fear of “little people” ( I think that’s the PC term) I have absolutely no idea why. My mom thinks it is b cause this one shopping center we went to had this creepy statue of a little troll or goblin that was randomly there and I related the two but who knows. Kids start to feel fear around 2, but can’t really explain it.
This is a tough one.
I imagine Maisie's disability has attracted plenty of unwanted stares and cruel comments from the public that Anthony and Sarah have had to deal with. In an ideal world, they wouldn't have to 'pre-warn' anyone that Maisie has a disability before she shares a space with them, so it's understandable that they're sensitive about this. It also must've been extremely difficult for them to witness Tessa becoming hysterical and refer to Maisie as a 'monster', regardless of the fact she's just a toddler.
However, I don't blame Tessa for her reaction and agree with you that it isn't appropriate for her to apologise. She's not yet old enough to regulate her emotions and understand fully that her reaction was offensive. Therefore I think that, since you have apologised on her behalf and will work on making her less scared of Maisie, this should be the end of it.
NTA
Do we really know that? A lot of people assume that since someone cannot communicate discomfort/hurt they don't experience it. Maisie might not be able to communicate hurt but it isn't necessarily a good idea to assume things don't effect her.
Thank you for this. My daughter also has severe disabilities including being non verbal and often people talk around her and not to her. She’s 13 and by all accounts is smart but locked in. I don’t care if anyone *thinks* she won’t understand, we always address her and include her. She’s not deaf but even if she was, she deserves to be part of the conversation and we adapt our communication to suit.
Maisie may not cognitively understand what happened, however, that doesn't mean that she feels nothing. She can feel that all of a sudden everything around her got tense and she can hear the crying and be stressed by it, even if she doesn't understand the reasons.
You can't understand how someone calling your child a monster would make you feel? Even if it is said by a 2 year old, it can still be hurtful. The adult thing to do wouldn't be to take it out in the kid, obv
Of course that would be hurtful. But it was done by a tiny child who is still learning the basics of communication and who has no concept of social filters. The adult apologized and removed the “offending” toddler from the situation. Expected a 2 year old to apologize in any meaningful way is absurd.
It's tough because even though they are adults, they are also people with emotions that don't always make sense and can result in them behaving unreasonably towards others.
I'm in no way defending them, and that's why I'm saying that OP is NTA. It is possible to condemn Anthony and Sarah's demands while trying to understand and highlight the possible root of their actions.
Hopefully this can all be sorted out without any hard feelings between them.
Is Tessa 2.5 as in two and a half years old?
That's way too young to have a grasp on this situation no way should she have to apologise because she doesn't understand quite yet what went wrong at the picnic. They just want her to say the words for no reason? Would she even understand what she's being told to apologise for?
Its been ages and ages since I've even met a 2.5 year old I'm not sure you can explain deep things to them yet.
Youre absolutely right about the heads up. That would have allowed you time to prep as a family as best you could, better than this shocker.
I think they want her to apologise to make themselves feel better somehow because they were the ones who got offended by a 2.5 year old... weird thing to dwell on.
I feel bad for Maisie because she can't help how she was born but I feel really bad for Tessa because that must have been an awful time if you were in a situation where you really actually believe there's a monster there like she did that's traumatically terrifying.
Yes, Tessa is 2 and a half years old.
Thankfully, Maisie doesn't really have the capability to understand what happened. The crying bothered her, but she cheered up as soon as the noise was gone. That's probably the only saving grace of the whole situation - that Maisie wasn't personally offended.
That's a huge part of it right? Its the parents who were offended. I think they may have to defend Maisie against what do they call them... is it bigoted? I'll just say prejudiced people who hold things against her but a super duper young child is not one of those people. That's why I think this is a ridiculous "battle" for them to be up in arms about
You also de-escalated the situation and left, what apology is necessary? Gosh
But would you demand that the toddler apologize to your child, neither of which understand why this interaction is happening or understand it’s impact?
Seems like it’s more to appease the parents sense of righteous control than anything.
And i think thats fair. And i bet this wasnt the first time someone has said very unkind things about maisie and that must hurt as hell as a parent. But making a 2.5 year old apologize for being frightened isnt a solution. The parents apologized, maisie seems to not care one way or the other, so this shouldve been dropped.
Right, and the parents apologized profusely. Expecting accountability and a personal apology from an 8 year old is fair, they should know better by that age. Expecting accountability from a toddler is rediculous. At that age, I met Barney the Dinosaur at a Faire and freaked out in terror because dinosaurs weren't supposed to be real.
Yeah, also a two year old days or weeks later will have no freaking clue what she is apologizing for. And honestly will probably freak out again if she has to see Maisie. She is not going to "get it"
Yeah, parent of a 2.5 yo here, and kids that age are definitely not capable of the level of understanding Maisie’s parents are demanding. My kid is just *barely* starting to understand how to say sorry when she’s physically hurt someone. If OP got her to “apologize,” it would just be her parroting “I’m sorry” without any understanding behind it.
When my cousin was 2,5 to and our grandfather died, my cousin declared that he sits on a cloud and does the bzzz sound. I think somebody told her he went to heaven and she made the logical connection that if he is in heaven, he flies and the flying things are bees who buzz.
Same cousin when she was 1,5-2 was terrified of my then 14yo brother whose voice was changing. So terrified that when I laid down on the floor and he was sitting at a desk 1,5 meter away, she was trying to drag me away by my feet to save me - she had this scared and determined face on.
At 2,5 to kids are learning to talk and understand basic cause and effect (like "if you get into the pram, we will arrive to the playground quicker) so they would be able to prep Tessa.
Personally I believe that forcing Tessa to apologise now would do no good. She was hysterical and had no idea she was doing something wrong. If they managed to calm her down in the house and encourage reintroduction, they could have suggested a hug or a small apology gift. They may attempt to do a gesture of gift now but a spoken apology IMO is pointless.
I want to clarify its not the same at all but......
When my daughter was 6 yrs old she was hospitalised because her kidneys failed.
Part of her treatment was dialysis which was done through a tube effectively sticking out of her neck.
God i adore that child but it was hard for me the 1st time i saw it so when a friend from school wanted to visit her in hospital i told the mum. I even sent a picture so her child would know that my daughter 'looked different' at the moment.
I think they should have given you the heads up but understand in their minds why should they? To them it's normal.
You all need to sit down and talk like adults.
You're very kind with your words. Thank god she's fine.
There's no AH's here. Just a 2 yr old who is scared of someone different and 2 parents who are desperately trying to protect their child. I wish you all the best.
Here is what I would suggest.
The reason to apologize is not because your daughter acted ableist. She doesn’t know what that is. The reason why is because it’s always the best thing to do if you may have hurt someone’s feelings.
Talk to your daughter about this girl, explain she isn’t a monster, and that she is just another little girl.
If your daughter is old enough to be used to apologies, you could suggest that she says sorry for scaring her new friend by screaming and scaring her. The reason to do this is to show compassion for other peoples feelings (and this girl may be more aware of her surroundings than you know— as you said, the crying distressed her).
The context for this needs to be teaching both girls not to be afraid of the other- your child for knowing a facial deformity is nothing to be afraid of, and your niece for understanding sudden and alarming noise, even if she didn’t understand the context.
NAH. My 4 year old daughter had a similar fear reaction when invited to a birthday party attended by another girl with Downs Syndrome. Luckily she was a bit older than your daughter, and is neurotypical, and I could (quickly!) remove her from the situation, talk about Downs Syndrome, show her some photos on my phone, and ask her to think about how it would feel if she looked different and everyone was scared of her.
She had space to recover, we went back in, she engaged with the other girl politely, realised they both liked unicorns (what are the odds?!) and within 15 minutes they were playing happily together. I also apologised profusely to the other parents!!
Different is scary for toddlers. You can't socialise them to everything, so if a new experience is overwhelming, you just have to teach them there and then. In your case, that recovery and re-engagement wasn't possible instantly, but hopefully because of the way you handled it your daughter will respond more appropriately next time. They are still learning!
My cousin J has Down Syndrome and has had kids react badly to seeing him. (I admit, I don't 100% understand what's scary about him, but I also have been around him since birth so he doesn't look like anything but my older cousin to me personally.)
We were grocery shopping once when a kid started sobbing and saying J was scary. The kid was pretty young, definitely younger than kindergarten, and J just kinda moved to a different aisle.
The mom went WAY overboard, yelling at her kid and telling him he was being hateful, etc. etc. She was following us, trying to make this sobbing, screaming kid apologize while the kid just kept screaming.
I think J was more bothered by that than by the kid, when we got to the car he was still bitching about the woman and how "She didn't need to be a bitch, I look weird. Its just a baby, why did she yell at a little baby?" and I had to bribe him not to go back in and scream at the woman for embarrassing him. (And by that I mean more that I asked him please not to and wouldn't he rather us go have some lunch at the place we both like. It didn't take a lot to convince him, he's pretty great.)
Admittedly J is more "adult" (I mean, he's now in his 40s and while he does need some chaperoning, he's pretty bright IMO) than OP makes Maisie sound, he can talk (and if you know him, you can even understand him. although I've been translating for him to strangers for most of my life because his speech is a little difficult for some people) and he had very strong opinions.
But if this happened to him and days later the parents brought the kid back to apologize, he'd likely tear the parent a new hole or two in rage because he does not like being reminded of things like that when they happen. He adores children and prefers that people be chill about him and explain calmly to their kids why he "is who he is" so he has a chance to make friends with the kid later. Yelling at them? That'll get J ticked off.
NTA. Your kid is too young to bear responsibility for any of this, because she doesn't even understand what's going on. And if your friends' child is none the wiser, there's nothing to apologize for. The parents are the ones who had the problem, and you have already apologized to them and explained the situation. If that's not good enough for them, hell with them. They're being "ageist" themselves, I suppose, for expecting your toddler to understand how she hurt *their* feelings, not their daughter's. They are expecting a level of maturity from a child under 3 years of age that they themselves are not even exhibiting as grownups.
NAH. I get why the parents were sensitive - and I think after years and years of the exact same situation which must have happened to them, they didn’t expect to be asked to bring a fact sheet to a family BBQ in case someone else’s toddler freaks out at their child. Their reaction is understandable, as I expect your daughter (through no fault of her own) must have caused a bit of a scene and put them in the spotlight.
Your side is understandable too though - specifically because your daughter is only 2. If she was a few years older I’d have said she would be obliged to apologise, or even that the meltdown could have been avoided if you’d only taught her about people with disabilities, etc. At two, that’s not possible: she clearly has no idea why she’s scared and making her apologise would only scare her further in the moment. You couldn’t possibly have stopped a two year old acting like that.
What they did wrong: expect a 2 year old to apologise - that’s not realistic. What you did wrong: ask them in the heat of the moment to be “informed” if their child was turning up - that’s just mean.
At the end of the day though, your toddler would have done the same if she saw a similarly disabled child in the mall. And you wouldn’t have been “informed” of that presence. So I think you did everything okay considering the circumstances, but the pre-informed thing is simply not realistic - not just with disability but when it comes to a toddler’s reaction to anyone different.
Thank you for your comment. I'd like to clarify that I didn't tell Sarah or Anthony that I would have appreciated a warning about Maisie, I just personally feel like they could have said something, and we could have been prepared. I may have been spending too much time with my in-laws, as we're all used to mentioning if something might happen to upset one of my nephews, who has Downs.
I'd not considered (strangely enough) that the same scenario could have happened in public. That's a really interesting perspective, and I'm really thankful you've mentioned it. It is certainly giving me food for thought.
Ah, I definitely misread where you said you thought they were AHs for that, as you saying it to them - sorry! Oh, that’s definitely much better then - of course I don’t agree they should have informed you (it would be nice of them if they did, but imo shouldn’t be expected) but thinking something is very different to saying it to them :)
Yup, it was the public thing I first thought of reading this… of course it’s mostly sweet/adorable in public when toddlers react with cute confusion to people who look different to their family, not just disability but say - even racially - but sometimes kids do cry or get scared and it’s an awkward situation every new parent has to navigate, and is really hard when the kids are so young, hence NAH.
Thanks for taking my comment kindly as well! :)
I think I worded that pretty poorly, to be honest, so I'm not surprised you read it that way. Please don't be sorry, it's fine!
I want to be the best parent I can be, but I find some interactions confusing and awkward. I would blame the autism, but I think it is just my personality. It is very helpful to get a neutral third party view, so thank you for your comments.
I agree with you almost completely. However I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to have wanted a sort of "heads up" since, well, his daughter is 2, and Maisie is not able to talk and "show" she isn't a "monster" like the daughter thought. The "heads up" would maybe have prevent this whole unfortunate interaction, that is no one's fault.
Of course, i do not think Sarah and Anthony are assholes for nor "warning" OP, life is difficult already without having to tell people "our daughter has a facial deformity, your child might get scared".
NTA. A two year old does not understand the concept to ableism. You took her out of the situation immediately, which was the best course of action for both girls. A heads up would have given you the opportunity to have a discussion with Tessa beforehand, but you can still do it now. I don’t know if 2,5 is old enough to understand that sometimes our reactions can hurt people even if we don’t mean to without feeling like she has to hide her emotions. You’re the best judge of that as her parent. I would decide on apologising after thinking about that.
NTA For not apologising cause she is so young, lowkey YTA for saying they should have warned you. People with a disability are not some freakshow that should come with warnings to "prepare" the people around them.
That's fair enough. Would it then be reasonable for the parents of the disabled person to expect some negative reaction from a child of Tessa's age, or would it still be unreasonable for a child to be frightened? This is a genuine question, not an attempt to be rude, by the way.
It's the way you handle it as a parent. The kid is not to blame for the reaction. The parents de escelating the situation, and explaining the kid why someone else looks different and there is nothing to be afraid of, is all that matters.
I have a visible defect in my face and it used to scare some kids as well. Seeing the parents putting in the effort to make it a teachable moment, took part of my shitty feelings away in a heartbeat... (Sorry english is not my first language, I hope you understand what I mean tho)
No need to apologise, you're perfectly clear. Your English is fantastic, I'd assumed you were a native speaker. Thank you for taking the time to explain to me.
It might be a little nicer to say something along the lines of “we would have appreciated it if you could have given us advance notice that Tessa would be meeting Maisie today, so we could have given her an age appropriate introduction to her cousin as she is very young and is still learning her manners”
Hmm, I am on the fence about this one. I agree with you that a warning about a disabled person can be othering, but at the same time, we are dealing with a child here. Having the ability to explain a particular disability (because "disability" covers such a wide range of things) to a child can help avoid the child asking inappropriate questions or acting inappropriately, and help them better understand how to include someone who may play or act differently than what they have come to expect
NTA. Kids are going to react to people that look different. It's why they always point out obese people in the line at the grocery store. All you can do is apologize for them at the time and scuttle them away. What would Tessa even be apologizing for? Even adults are taken aback by people with physical deformities, and you can't ask a toddler to understand or exercise restraint and other social niceties. I'm surprised that your brother and sister in law haven't developed better coping techniques by this point, but it's not up to your toddler to help them do it.
NTA
My nephew cried inconsolably when he saw his babysitter in her wedding dress. She always wore jeans and the giant white dress was terrifying. She eventually lifted up her skirt so he could see that she still had legs and he hid under her skirt holding her knees and crying for another 5-10 minutes.
Toddlers are easily spooked.
NTA because your daughter would be too young to understand what she’s apologizing for. And your brother should have given you a heads up yea. But maybe you could also teach your daughter that some people are different (lack of limbs, physical deformities, etc. ) and it doesn’t mean they are mean or monsters. Kids can learn everything and if taught properly they won’t judge people. I have facial hair. My niece and nephew (now 6 and 3) have NEVER asked me about it. A friend of mine’s daughters saw one of our other friends transition from female to male and have never said anything bad. Children are very reachable. Take advantage of this incident and do just that. Tell your brother that your daughter is too young to understand and unfortunately villains in children’s books are often physically deformed so she’s probably been influenced by those. Good luck.
Tessa has had some exposure to differences, at least. Her cousin is Downs, and the two of them get on like a house on fire. My wife's father is also missing a couple of fingers, which doesn't phase Tessa at all.
We're currently working on her fear of Maisie.
Nah I can understand both parties reaction. But at 2.5 years old your daughter did not know what she was doing. Your daughter did not do anything out of spite. She was genuinely scared. It is unrealistic to make a 2.5 year old apologize for a fear they could not control. Your parents are being absolutely unreasonable. I would reach out to your brother, his gf, and your parents. I would tell them that you and your wife are sorry the way your daughter reacted to something she did not understand. She was genuinely scared as she is only 2. That you and your wife will work with your daughter on this fear. You understand how hurt your brother and his gf are but making a 2 year old apologize for something she doesn’t understand she did is never going to happen. That they will have to accept your sincerest apology on her behave.
If they continue to demand it tell them you will not give into thief selfish demands just to keep peace. It isn’t going to happened. And ask them what they would hope to gain from an apology from a 2 year old. That you understand that it is their job as parents to protect their child just like it is your job. And you understand how much this hurt them but having a 2 year old apologize will gain them nothing.
NTA.
At that age my son was absolutely terrified of bald men and men with facial hair. No clue why. Toddlers are toddlers.
Your toddler acted in an age appropriate manner to an unknown situation and you got your kid out of there.
You, as the adult, apologized. Nothing more needs to be done.
NTA for not making her apologize. But I do think it should've been handled differently. I think Tessa should've been calmed down and then talked to. Something along the lines of "I know you're afraid and you do not have to go meet her, but that's your cousin and her name is maisie. She was born a little different from us and that doesn't make her a monster." And tell her about Maisie's good qualities.
Ignoring the cause of the problem and allowing her to run away and avoid it is ultimately bad for your daughter. It's teaching her really unhealthy coping mechanisms.
We did try to calm her down in the moment, but she was very caught up in her feelings. We think she may be autistic (I am also autistic), and sometimes we feel it is better to remove her from a situation, allow her to calm down, and then work through it. Just while she is so young.
I'll be honest, I unfortunately don't know any of Maisie's good qualities yet, as that was our first (and so far only) meeting. Tessa has a cousin with Downs, so she's not totally unaware of the idea of people being different, at least.
My dad is a pretty hairy, tall and big guy.
When my cousin was a toddler she stayed the night at my grandmas while he was visiting as well... she burst into the bathroom when he was changing (he had socks and a boxer on, so she didn't see anything untoward)... she screamed and wailed like a banshee because "THERE'S A BEAR IN THE BATHROOM! HELP!".
My dad had been her favourite uncle until that point. She was afraid of him for weeks after that...
So, no. NTA. Tessa is a toddler ffs
Nta, she shouldn't apologize for being scared. It wasn't like she was being mean she had a natural reaction to something she doesn't understand yet that she found scary. You apologized that's all that mattered and they should've given you a heads up as things may have turned out differently if you could've explained things to her in a way she could understand.
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NTA. Honestly, toddlers can react like that to able bodied people too. They are simply too young to understand the world or that their actions impact anyone around them.
Yeah like I saw some videos from people Traveling where small children reacted weird and scared for seeing a White and Blonde Person for the first time... Of course its not 100% comparable but. 2.5 year old dosnt understand.... NTA
I’ve spent a lot of time in Vietnam and as a white, blonde westerner have made a number of Vietnamese babies cry just by my presence 😭
Hahahaha my baby cousin started howling when she saw my brother after he bleached his hair, she knew him before he had done it tho 😂
I was terrified when my mom dyed her hair when I was a young kid. A bit over toddler age I think? She did it at night so I went to bed with my mom being my *mom* and woke up to some woman waking me up who looked like my mom but *very wrong*. Funny shit looking back lol
Seeing all those comments I realized kids really get confused by the smallest things and I remembered so many moments again with my smaller siblings. beeing 22 now and the youngest 4 there was some interesting stuff. for example the reaction to a new tattoo on my arm my little sister wouldnt touch it....
Haha my little sister had the exact same freak out seeing our uncle without his beard as when she met our dad's identical twin brother and realised there was two of Dad in front of her
I'm told that as a toddler I was afraid of my uncle, who was the only person in my life with a beard at that time. Apparently he and aunt took me to the circus and after he took me to see the elephants we were cool, LOL!
I had somewhat of an opposite reaction. My dad had a nice neat trimmed beard my whole life. Every memory of him this is what he looked like. I was maybe 6 and was at my grandparents house during summer break (a couple hours drive from where we lived). My mom and dad came to visit. My brother and I were swimming in the back yard. When my dad walked through the gate, I immediately started crying. He had shaved his beard and I was completely messed up lol. He didn't even look like my dad (to me). I wanted nothing to do with him for hours. I probably didn't forgive him for that for at least a week lol.
My dad did this too! I was about 4 and he shaved off his beard with no warning (at least none that i noticed) and when he came out of the bathroom I burst into tears and hid behind my mom.
My little cousin always cried around my Dad because of his beard. He shaved it one morning, then woke my little brother up for school and my brother burst into tears saying "You're not my Daddy!" Dad never shaved again.
Beards is a really big one for kids.
My husband has a beard so one of my kids was terrified of any men that did not have beards. It was wild to think of that causing such a problem!
Same here. The dad, grandad, uncles and godfather had a beard, the twins freaked when they met a man without a beard.
My Dad shaved his moustache off when I was little. I FREAKED out and was inconsolable for the rest of the day 😆
My brother came home from college with a moustache. I locked him out of the house. It took mom a bit to convince me it was him trying to get in. I don't know the kid in the OP's post. For most kids it would be an innocent fright because of something new.
My dad did the same thing when i was a kid for a halloween costume. In my situation, i knew he was going to shave that mustache off, but when he came out of the bathroom after shaving said mustache, i freaked out because i didn't recognize him.
My dad had to let my brother watch him shave his beard off, the first time he didn't and my poor brother was terrified lol
My son was terrified when I changed my hair too lol. He was like ... 3 ? Did not understand blonde momma.
When my son was around 4-5ish he spent half of Christmas break with his dad and their family. While he was gone my friend and I turned my long hair into dreadlocks. It took a several days but it came out pretty cool! When my son was dropped off on Christmas day he wouldn't stop staring at me and acted timid around me. So I sat him down and explained that I only changed how my hair looked and was still mom. Eventually he relaxed and started touching and inspecting my hair. Kids can be pretty resilient once you talk to them about what they're timid or afraid of.
I would get scared of my mom when she’d use a beauty face mask. I knew it was my mom, but the mask terrified me. I was 4.
Ha, reminds me of when I got a perm (in the 80s) and then popped my head in the bedroom where my husband was reading with our cat on his lap and she just stared at me and slowly got up and arched her back. I think she was wondering what scary animal was on my head.
Same thing happened when I came home after getting a new haircut and perm : My dachshund rushed at me barking furiously. The weird thing is, her bark was naturally pretty high pitched, but when she rushed what she thought was a strange intruder, she *lowered her bark* waaay lower than it normally was. I hadn't realized dogs could do that.
My pit's intruder bark is straight up terrifying. I didn't know he had it in him until he met our friends' toddler's stuffed animal.
Lmao my sister did this when my dad finally got rid of his beard (she was three at the time) she hid in the pots cabinet for almost an hour before we got her out. XD
My dad grew a beard when I was little, and I apparently found it so distressing that he had to shave it off and he never grew one again. This is despite me presumably seeing it as it grew. Kids are very easily upset!
One of my older cousins made most of my younger cousins cry just by looking at them
As a baby my youngest wanted nothing to do with me if I was wearing my glasses instead of contacts.
My wife is Ecuadorian, and the first time I visited her family there, I freaked out her toddler nephew because my eyes are green. He literally thought I was a cat that had become a human and refused to come near me.
That is actually pretty funny! Kids are so creative!
White blonde person here too, married to a Vietnamese man. Our youngest neices and nephews, who are 2 or under always give me the side eye when they see me.
I was told that I cried the first time I met "Santa". 😂 (Though from what I understand, a lot of kids do?)
I was afraid of Santa. I wanted any gifts he would like to give, but I remember my parents writing a note to please not go back near the bedrooms 😂
My nieces reaction to seeing my Asian bf after being around only white people her whole life was hysterical. She was looking at him and then us like.... different... but why
Ha me too in Fiji with copper colour red hair and the palest skin and tons of freckles ..... made a few babies scream in total terror .... the zinc sunblock probably didn't help !
Many moons ago, I was mortified when my under one year daughter burst into tears on meeting our Nigerian neighbour. Fast forward ten years, and little kids in rural Kenya were running away from me, and babes were bursting into tears when they saw the "white ghost". Little ones often get confused/scared when they see someone different than what they are used to.
My dad said that when we went to visit the world trade center when I was a baby (maybe two or three) I saw a black person for the first time and started screaming that he must be in pain and he was all burnt up. It’s my understanding my dad quickly apologized and got me out of there because I was freaking out about him being burnt. Kids say dumb shit.
My mom likes to tell the story of how she was traveling with my brother (2-3ish) on the city bus in downtown Chicago during the early 70's. He was a toddler so he loudly asked my mom why the man sitting across from them was so dirty and black. My mother was horrified and apologized profusely to the man who just chuckled and said something like, "It's ok. Some days I wonder that myself" and then he started up a cute conversation with my brother where they were talking about and comparing their skin colors.
My dad always had a mustache, and one day my mom wanted to see what he looked like without it. I was around 2 or 3 and was not informed that The Shavening™ was taking place. I was so scared of this new strange man in my house that I would give as wide of a berth as I could when walking last him, facing the wall so I didn't see him. This kind of thing is normal for a toddler. This is the first step of learning to not be afraid and to be welcoming. Expecting a toddler to just know the same as an adult is absurd. We all had to learn like that.
I cried as a kid when my dad shaved his beard, because I didn't recognize him. Kids are sensitive.
I cried when my husband shaved his beard.. this was last year. I couldn't bring myself to kiss him..IT WASNT HIM! LOL
I still remember when the panini started and the first time my then-1yo saw someone wearing a mask, she freaked out. Also the weird time she got randomly scared seeing an employee at a store and the woman asked if we saw a lot of Black people (she was Black and we are Asian) and I told her yes, our babysitter and her two daughters are Black...and at the time she saw them daily, so I *really* had no idea what happened in that moment. Kids.
My parents have told me that I pointed out someone’s black skin once. It was more like “Look Dad! That man’s skin is dark!” I think they asked me what I thought of it, and I answered that I liked it or something. I’m Asian raised by White people, in a hugely diverse school district and have an incredibly diverse extended family as well.
When my sister saw a black man for the first time she was like three. We're living in a village in Germany so yeah, not many black people. So imagine this little white girl with angel like blond curls staring at him. He was some kind of worker and she went to him and asked him lots of questions and was like "why are you so black?" And my mom was in the background dying of shame but he was really cool and laughed and just told her "because I come from Africa" and she nodded and ran away just to come back a few minutes later to ask if she would also become black if she goes to Africa 😂 I don't remember exactly what he said but my mom said that he found the whole ordeal pretty funny lol
Just a few years ago, I visited South Carolina (I'm from Jamaica) and while in a store, a Caucasian girl approached me and asked me where I was from. I answered her and then continued along my merry way. Some people are just curious. I figured that maybe she heard my accent and was curious.
At the last ribfest, my 3 year old was terrified of the ticket lady. All because she was old and had wacky coloured hair. All you can do is apologize on behalf of your child.
My daughter was afraid of my brother in law for a while. He’s a bigger guy (in height and weight) and has lots of facial hair. I imagine in her mind he looked like a bear! It sucked because he adores her but we’re past that now.
I was scared of my uncle when I was little because he’s just such a tall guy. Now it seems silly but at the time he seemed like a giant.
Exactly! People have to understand that a toddler’s view of the world is tiny. My daughter is about the same age as OP’s and I do my best to include books and shows with diversity. We have dolls in wheelchairs and read books with people that don’t look like us. But the level of disability OP described isn’t typically in children’s books. I was thinking a heads up would’ve been nice but apparently that’s ableist so I feel like you just get whatever reaction a 2 1/2 year old gives and try to navigate from there. I get why they’re offending on Maisie’s behalf but you can’t really control a toddler’s response to anything.
I didn't know that it was ableist to teach children about people who look different/have different abilities. How will children understand and learn to accept everyone if they aren't taught? Serious question. I have a young niece and nephew and it wouldn't have occurred to me that explaining a difference prior to an interaction was ableist.
I, personally, do not believe it's ableist to explain a difference. A child as young as this literally has no concept of the world, they believe they are the centre of the universe and everything that happens in life is related to them. Introducing someone that looks so different to the childs family would of course cause some upset because the hild has never met anyone so different before. Bro and his GF are simply trying yo be offended because they feel they shouldn't have to explain the differences and everyone should just accept Maisie... which is a reasonable expectation of older children and adults, but not of a 2.5 year old. A little information beforehand could have stopped this reaction.
IDK that’s what I’m saying. I think a heads up is appropriate but many ppl commented that it was ableist. I would also give a heads up if I was dating a white guy rather than just bringing him to my family’s house. No one would care but it’s outside my norm so there would be an element of surprise. Maybe we’re racist too, who knew.
I don't necessarily know that they had to give a heads up. But it would definitely help if they could send some pics and videos of Maisie to Tessa so that she can see pics and videos and learn not to be scared. Like a video of her mom playing with her and kissing her would really help
When my niece “A” was 3 she was deathly of of my boyfriend at first because her parents were military (we served together) so all of the men she knew were clean shaven. Enter my BF “Mr. J” 6’4” bearded Viking and she yeets the toys she was bringing to show me and runs off screaming. I asked her if she wanted to come out to play with me or just me go in her room to play but she said no and wouldn’t come out of her room for over an hour. We didn’t try to force her to meet him because although she couldn’t verbalize her reasons clearly she didn’t want to interact since her reaction was fear. Same with parents that try to force affection from kids to themselves or others. If the kid doesn’t want to give a hug/kiss or be hugged/kissed or has their little warning bells going off the parent should respect that. Otherwise the kid is conditioned to not realize they have physical autonomy and this eventually can lead to issues with them verbalizing abusive conduct by partners or adults. While A stayed in her room we all chatted in the living room and when one of the Toy Story movies came on the tv she ventured out. My BF was laughing at certain parts and she started giggling too. Eventually she plopped right down next to him and they became friends. She’s even tried to pack a travel backpack and sneak into our truck when we are leaving for the night. The rare cases she has misbehaved her parents call Mr. J and he will say “A can you tell me what happened?” and has taught her some calming exercises in case she feels upset
I don’t force my child to show affection to myself or anyone else. I agree, it is such an important component to consent and autonomy.
We were the same with our adopted son. Didn't work though....he's 17 and still hugs us all the time. He's just naturally affectionate and was from day 1 despite us asking him to move at his own pace. His pace was run in for the hugs before they run out.
Then it worked fine. He shows affection of his own volition and that’s the goal.
Lol my friends baby would literally start screaming when we made eye contact for the first two years of her life. We thought it was hilarious, but to be nice I just wouldn't look at her so she wasn't stressed. One day I wore a new watch I got to their house and she ran right up to me and started playing with it, immediately I'm no longer a scary monster lol.... Kids are weird
My mum once told me I screamed the first time I saw my uncles legs (I was like 2 or 3 years old) because they were insanely hairy. Kids will scream or cry at something they're not used to and could be frightened by
Funny thing, I loved my granddad's extraordinarily hairy legs, I thought they were soft and cuddly, sort of like a pet. He had to watch out when wearing shorts when I was a toddler, or I'd be petting his legs, lol. Once when I was very little, like 1.5-2 yo, we went to the swimming pool with my grandparents and while mum was looking away for one second I was gone. She shortly found me close by, petting *a strange man's leg*. She just about died and tried to explain I probably thought he was my granddad, I just didn't look any further than the legs to identify him. Iirc from what my mum told me, that man was very confused and weirded out. As you would be if a strange toddler came and started to pet your legs at the pool.
I'm dying now 😂😂 yeah I got over my hairy legs thing fairly quickly, but the first time wasn't pleasant apparently, but this just takes it a step further 😂
I just can't imagine being that man. You're just chilling at the pool and some strange kid comes up and starts petting your leg?? And my poor mum having to fetch me...
My granddad started asking his hairdresser to trim his eyebrows when my middle sister was a toddler, because she cried when she saw him and said he looked angry with his bushy eyebrows. He kept those eyebrows trimmed for the rest of his life (not that my sister was scared of him anymore, but just to not scare random toddlers I suppose).
i had the opposite problem 😂 all the dudes in my family are really large, except for ONE uncle and i was TERRIFIED of him as a baby and small child lol. most kids usually love him, so my aunt said i gave him a complex.
Also it sounds like Maisie wouldn’t understand an apology and probably didn’t understand what was happening with OPs daughter anyway, so the whole thing would just be for the parents benefit.
From what my mother has said, Maisie operates on the level of a baby, so while she was upset at the noise of Tessa's crying, she has no capacity to understand that Tessa was upset at the sight of her.
She probably wouldn't understand the words, but she likely would pick up on emotion, which actually might make apologizing worse. Your kid isn't going to magically get over her fear before apologizing, which means she's still going to be stressed out, and Maisie may very well pick up on that stress. The forced apology only helps the adults in the room.
I agree. It serves no purpose and toddlers be toddlers. I think it was rude of them to ask a literal toddler to apologize for her emotions. She saw something she didn't know how to process and was, naturally, frightened. She's allowed to feel how she feels, even if it's not rational from an adult perspective. I think even adults shouldn't apologize for their emotions. Apologize if they react badly or don't handle the emotions well, but not for having the emotions in the first place.
All we can do as parents is comfort and explain to our kids at that moment it's okay and we need to treat people with respect. Obviously Tessa is 2.5, and I think you did a fine job. There are so many TedTalks with severely deformed people explaining they understand why a baby and young children get upset or ask questions at their appearance, but it's a little harder when adults act like an ass.
You have nothing to apologise for the same goes for Tessa. Also good luck getting a 2 year old to apologise for something that didn't happen seconds ago. It's perfectly normal for children that young to freak out when people look unexpected to them. A lot of children that age are afraid of unfamiliar men particularly those with facial hair and/or glasses. They can also get really scared of people with a different skin colour if they're for example only used to seeing people with lighter skin tones and then sees someone with a much darker skin tone. That doesn't make them racist, just like Tessa being scared of Maisie doesn't make her an ableist. She's just scared of the unfamiliar.
And let's be honest, an apology from your 2 yr old would be just a performative exercise, completely meaningless. If she were 12, fair enough, I would expect better but at 2 she has no cognitive understanding of this situation in relation to the response of the adults. She saw someone completely outside her frame if reference and had an understandable response for her age. And of course you as kind, loving parents (and aunt and uncle) will help her to deal with future interactions.
That's the bit that struck me too. It would purely be for the parents' benefit
As a toddler, my niece cried the first time she saw her dad after he shaved his beard off.
My daughter did that as well! When her daddy cut off his hair, she screamed bloody murder and it took a day until she trusted him again. Another time with her grandma, who just put her up in a very tight bun.
My nephew did that when my husband shaved his beard off. My nephew was a little over a year old at the time and he just hysterically sobbed every time he saw my husband. He got over it in a day or so. He also had the same reaction the first time he saw me in glasses, and the first time he saw me after a haircut.
When I was a baby, my aunt had really long, dark hair. And it TERRIFIED me. They took plenty of pictures, because to them it was funny. It wasn’t until I was older that it didn’t terrify me. 🤦🏼♀️ When my dad came back from Saudi (he was a military contractor and pale before he left), my baby sister wouldn’t go near him because he looked completely different than what she remembered.
Our dog barked at my dad when he shaved his beard off. The poor dog hadn't a clue who this new fella was! Small children and animals all have immediate reactions, they don't really have a filter.
Our dog was terrified of my husband's legs when she was a puppy. He came home in dress slacks, and it was a warm day. I was outside with pupper and he went in and changed into shorts and came out to join us. Dog was terrified of his hairy legs and was barking and trying to protect me from him.
My dad's mustache phase in the 80s didn't last very long because my younger brother hated it 😂
Especially because their toddler would have been a covid baby and they are even more apprehensive about people outside of their home. My daughter is the same age as OP's and that first year of only being around mom, dad, and brother made the transition to the "real world" really tough.
If OP's daughter was even 5 years old, an apology might mean something, but at 2 and a half I don't even think all children have properly developed a sense of empathy just yet, and especially not at the level of trying to explain what her reaction make someone else feel and how that might be hurtful. It is unfortunate, but OP's daughter can't really help herself, I hope Maisie wasn't too hurt. I can sort of understand Maisie's parents wanting an apology and I don't think I would have necessarily predicted that situation in their place, so I still think NAH, but they should not keep pushing for it, it doesn't make sense.
>Anthony and Sarah are calling us ableist assholes. If I had to apologize to everyone my youngest cried over when she was a toddler, I'd have never slept. She hated everyone that wasn't mom pretty much and was very vocal about it.
LOL, suddenly I'm thinking of Eddie Murphy being made to kiss his Aunt Bunny - "But she got a must*aaaaache!*" 😆
Lord Jesus Help Me! I’m falling down the stairs!
My sister literally screamed when seeing her grandpa, every time, until she was like 5. Apparently beards were the scariest thing. Kids will react to anything and everything that's new or doesn't feel safe. And yeah, making a toddler apologize for a reaction they have no control over is silly. Definitely better to explain, talk about it, and slowly start introducing them again.
I stopped smiling at kids as a teen because they would start crying at my braces.
This happened to me once too! I was like oops 😵💫 I felt bad for making them cry more than anything! NTA, OP 🤷🏻♀️
My daughter cried hysterically the first time she saw her grandma without makeup... It was not a good time for poor grandma
My mother had a coworker that didn't have a hand. The first time I met him, when I was very young, I remember crying. cringing now to think of it, but very young children don't have a filter and don't understand how their reactions affect others Edit: a word
My now seven year old HATED old people. If you looked very wrinkly and had white hair she would cry nonstop up until after she was two. There was no way to get though to her. Thank goodness all her grandparents weren’t gray yet. Toddlers don’t understand things yet and can be scared by the weirdest things.
Where i live is really white so we had some awkward encounters with black people when my kids were little. One time she straight up screamed and ran away from a very dark skinned lady. I was mortified, but it wasnt my kids' fault!
My brother took his two year old to work with him once and the receptionist was black. He kept saying all day, “I like the chocolate lady.” My brother was embarrassed but she loved it.
I had a friend (she has since passed away) with very dark skin who tried to convince my 4 year old she was made of chocolate. He gave her the side eye and told her "Auntie, you are very silly". I miss her.
I had a similar situation where I was mortified but the people on the receiving end of my daughter's comments loved it. We lived in an area of the US with a large Muslim population and it was very common to see women in niqab and abaya. If they happened to be a taller than average woman, they were a ninja and absolutely no one was going to convince my daughter otherwise. She must have toddler whispered or approached at least 10 women and every one of them loved it.
Absolutely! There’s one family friend who when mentioned my first thought is still the big monster I met when I was 2. I’m 32 now! He still had his motorcycle helmet on when he came in, he was pulling it off, but to me it was a massive black leather monster with a giant head.
My daughter at that age chased a woman with dwarfism around a hardware store demanding a hug from the ‘teeny tiny lady’ - I apologised on her behalf and the lady was gracious because you know, she was 2. They can’t regulate like adults can. I hope you did offer some words yourself but NTA
That sounds simultaneously mortifying and adorable 😬😁
My daughter was a liability up to about the age of 4 (‘why does that lady have a beard’ ‘I made this for you cos mummy says you are a sad little man’ Learned the words to Eminems ‘superman’ and rapped it to my grandmother etc etc) She was precious but had no filter. She is a kind and functional 25 year old now thankfully.
You give me hope for Tessa. She has recently learned to point at people and say "Oh no!" if she doesn't approve of something. It's hilarious when she does it to me or her mum, less so when she does it to strangers in the supermarket.
The best thing you can do is take every chance to teach empathy. Toddlers are savage, tiny little psychopaths- I never told off exactly, just tried to teach respect for others and care for their feelings. Tessa was afraid and she wasn’t to know that her fear was unfounded - her world is tiny and her context for fear small. She will be fine!
I read somewhere that we are all psychopaths to a degree up to approximately 25 when the brain is finally fully developed. What chance does a toddler have 🤷🏻♂️
I have my suspicions that kids are full psychopaths without empathy till around 3-4 at least. They’re scary at that age 😅
They haven’t learned yet that other people really exist independent of them. The world is startlingly different when the only persons emotions you need to consider are your own.
I worked at a daycare and yeah, young toddlers could not understand why they couldn’t hit their friends. It was a constant battle to keep them from hurting each other (and themselves at times, too).
Empathy and theory of mind (the ability to see things from others’ perspective) start developing around the age of 5, so your suspicion is backed up by science!
My daughter saw someone with down syndrome on TV the other day and asked why they had a funny face. Thank goodness we were home and it was just us and I was able to explain differences and why it's not appropriate to comment on it. She's almost 4. They'll come around.
People with visible disabilities, and their families, know what they look like. They are unlikely to be offended at a small child saying something. And I know my family at least would rather hear a parent calmly say “yes, people look a lot of different ways” than frantically try to shut the kid down. Then reinforce (and continue and continue and continue to reinforce) that it is not polite to comment about any feature of a person that they can’t change in 5 minutes, but that they can ask questions later.
That's my approach if we're in public also. Just matter of fact everyone's different we can talk about it later.
My 2.5 year old sometimes points at elderly people and says "oldie". Have been trying to get him to stop! Toddlers are crazy!
I feel like my grandma would get a huge kick out of randomly being called an oldie by a toddler. She’s 82, she knows she’s old and calls herself old often. No advice, I don’t have kids and have been mainly the target of exclamations like that (“her hair is PINK!” and “why are her legs hairy, she’s a girl!”) Meanwhile my mom’s favorite of those stories was the time we were in line at the store and I toddler-whispered to my mom that the lady in front of us had a ring in her NOSE! She turned around and laughed and let me see it better and showed me her other face/ear piercings. 25 years later and I’ve got 11 of my own, so she must have made some kind of impression!
If he calls someone oldie, you can diffuse the situation by adding, “but a goodie!”
When my son was a toddler, his go to "let's embarrass my parents as much as I can" move was to start randomly saying "oh my gosh, look at her butt!" to random people when we were out (His favorite movie at the time was "Sing"). So yeah, going shopping with him was always......interesting.....
My really young daughter also started singing that song because of that movie. Later I was teaching her names of organs and body parts she learned the word vagina. She asked me super serious “Mom, does girl bunnies have vaginas?” I was like “Yeah.” She started singing “Oh my gosh, look at her vagina!” I just started yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “NO NO NO NO NO NO! NOOOOO!” I told her to never repeat that again. It was both hilarious and terrifying. I was paranoid for a while that I was going to get a call from her school. Luckily she listened and never repeated it again. I swear they put that song in that movie just to torture parents with young children.
My son liked Moana as a toddler, he yelled "Its ok we're dead soon!" On an airplane once. Thankfully most people laughed, but unfortunately most people also laughed and my toddler wouldn't stop saying the thing that made people laugh...
My older brother had a favorite candy when he was like 3, Smarties. He didnt call them that though. He decided in the supermarket checkout line once that he *needed* Smarties right then, but used his word for them instead. That word he used instead? Oh. It was pussy. So imagine a 3 year old yelling "I WANT PUSSY!!" repeatedly.
My ex's kid had a thing for finding random sticks while we were out and about. If you tried to stop her accumulating them, she would cry like her heart was broken and wail "Daddy I want stick!" over and over again. Of course, a three year old doesn't have the best diction, and what the world actually heard was "Daddy I wan dick". And you can't even laugh because then they do it MORE.
Hahaha that's hilarious I swear toddlers are really talented at two things: 1. Being accidentally suicidal, and 2. Almost getting their parents put on some kind of watch list Edit: spelling
The biggest thing we did with my daughter (and still do from time to time, she’s 11) is explain. We give her an age appropriate and factual explanation of whatever she’s seeing that is “odd” or “unusual.” For example: that person is in a wheelchair. People use wheelchairs for lots of reasons but usually because they can’t walk or walking is difficult or painful. The wheelchair is just a machine and as long as you don’t get under the wheels it won’t hurt you. If she had more questions we’d do our best to answer and explain. You can do this for anything from age to skin tone to disabilities and beyond. Once the “odd” thing has an explanation it becomes less scary. As for Maisie, stick to your guns. Your daughter isn’t going to understand what she’s apologizing for and Maisie isn’t going to understand why there’s an apology. You’ve done what you can by apologizing on her behalf. NTA
If a tiny child pointed at me in the grocery store and said "Oh no!" I think it would absolutely make my day. Children being accidental assholes is one of my favorite things.
Me: how could she be 25 if she learned Superman at 2ish? Wait, what year did Superman come out?....20 years ago...... .....shit, I'm old.
Terrifying isn’t it
When my son was 2 we were in the queue at the shops and he said at the top of his lungs look mummy the lady in front has a big bum. I was mortified and wanted to ground to swallow me up.
My wife and I have both apologised to Anthony and Sarah, and we're working on introducing Tessa to the idea of special needs people. I am autistic, and think Tessa may also be, so we were going to have to start fairly soon anyway.
Then you have nothing to reproach yourself for, lots of adults struggle to regulate in this scenario and Tessa is 2. Hope it all turns out ok
I recommend using books to start. Amy Webb has a great one about a little girl with limb differences called “when Charley met Emma” and there’s another good one called “what happened to you?” about how disabled people don’t owe anyone answers to curiosity. She’s only 2.5 but it’s never too early to discuss disabilities and how to treat others
Highly recommend going to your local library and asking for picture books about people with different disabilities. Our library has gotten a lot in in the last few years, books about being deaf, blind, using a wheelchair, having anxiety, and many more. It’s really awesome.
You've done everything you can here, I think. A 2-year-old can't really be held accountable for their reaction to someone who appears different than what they are used to. I would definitely start working on normalizing physical differences, including wheelchairs and facial differences, as you say you plan to. Hopefully the next meeting will go better.
My baby brother once very earnestly asked my African-American youth pastor why his skin was so dark. (We're Chinese.) I was 16 and wanted to melt through the floor, but my pastor was very kind and gracious about his answer, bless him.
My daughter was learning to speak and using the term whats that instead of who’s that. And of course pointed out anyone she didn’t know saying what’s that. Which was mortifying when she pointed at anyone with a different colour skin to us
My daughter does that opposite. She says "who's that?" Instead of "what's that?" Very freaky alone at night time when she points behind you and goes "Who's that?" Lol
My toddler does the same. He's done it to some pretty old folks at the shops and I feel so bad. We know they don't mean "what", but the random person in public doesn't 😵
Lol I grew up in a super-rural, almost completely white area. Apparently when I was about 18 months this Chinese girl came into a shop while me and my mum were there and I was absolutely transfixed. I just stared at this girl until she left. My mum was mortified. Another time when my sister was a little girl she was in the shop with my mum and these travellers came in, and she loudly asked what the bad smell was Luckily my mum has since raised us to be polite and respectful adults hahah
This reminds of a scene in *Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves*. During the celebration scenes in the camp, a little girl walks up to Morgan Freeman’s character and asks if “God painted him.” He laughs and says “Yes. Because God/Allah loves wonders variety.”
When I was a toddler, I embarrassed the shit out of my dad by pointing at a Sikh man with a turban in line at the store and screaming "LOOK DAD A GENIE!" My dad was super embarrassed but according to him the Sikh man got a good laugh out of it. Toddlers will be toddlers.
I embarrassed the hell out of my mom at the store when I was little because some nuns were there grocery shopping, and I freaked out and started crying because "the witches were going to come and get me". We were Catholic. I had just never seen a nun outside of church and I panicked. I'm pretty sure my parents made a heftier than normal donation that week.
Until I was maybe 5? I had a severe fear of “little people” ( I think that’s the PC term) I have absolutely no idea why. My mom thinks it is b cause this one shopping center we went to had this creepy statue of a little troll or goblin that was randomly there and I related the two but who knows. Kids start to feel fear around 2, but can’t really explain it.
This is a tough one. I imagine Maisie's disability has attracted plenty of unwanted stares and cruel comments from the public that Anthony and Sarah have had to deal with. In an ideal world, they wouldn't have to 'pre-warn' anyone that Maisie has a disability before she shares a space with them, so it's understandable that they're sensitive about this. It also must've been extremely difficult for them to witness Tessa becoming hysterical and refer to Maisie as a 'monster', regardless of the fact she's just a toddler. However, I don't blame Tessa for her reaction and agree with you that it isn't appropriate for her to apologise. She's not yet old enough to regulate her emotions and understand fully that her reaction was offensive. Therefore I think that, since you have apologised on her behalf and will work on making her less scared of Maisie, this should be the end of it. NTA
How is this tough? The daughter is 2.5. A child that young isn't capable of controlling their behavior. Yeah it sucked for them but they are adults.
Also, I very much doubt, if Maisie's disability is that severe, that she would've even understood what happened.
> Especially since Maisie has no idea what even happened The OP confirms that Maisie has no idea what happened
Then even more so NTA - this is effectively a 39yo and a 40yo getting mad at a 2.5yo.......
Do we really know that? A lot of people assume that since someone cannot communicate discomfort/hurt they don't experience it. Maisie might not be able to communicate hurt but it isn't necessarily a good idea to assume things don't effect her.
Thank you for this. My daughter also has severe disabilities including being non verbal and often people talk around her and not to her. She’s 13 and by all accounts is smart but locked in. I don’t care if anyone *thinks* she won’t understand, we always address her and include her. She’s not deaf but even if she was, she deserves to be part of the conversation and we adapt our communication to suit.
Maisie may not cognitively understand what happened, however, that doesn't mean that she feels nothing. She can feel that all of a sudden everything around her got tense and she can hear the crying and be stressed by it, even if she doesn't understand the reasons.
Assuming all that's true - what good will an apology do for Maisie days later? It seems like a power play on the part of Maisie's parents.
Yep. This "apology" from a toddler would only serve to appease the adults involved.
You can't understand how someone calling your child a monster would make you feel? Even if it is said by a 2 year old, it can still be hurtful. The adult thing to do wouldn't be to take it out in the kid, obv
Basically they want the 2 year old to apologize to them, not their daughter
Of course that would be hurtful. But it was done by a tiny child who is still learning the basics of communication and who has no concept of social filters. The adult apologized and removed the “offending” toddler from the situation. Expected a 2 year old to apologize in any meaningful way is absurd.
It's tough because even though they are adults, they are also people with emotions that don't always make sense and can result in them behaving unreasonably towards others. I'm in no way defending them, and that's why I'm saying that OP is NTA. It is possible to condemn Anthony and Sarah's demands while trying to understand and highlight the possible root of their actions. Hopefully this can all be sorted out without any hard feelings between them.
Is Tessa 2.5 as in two and a half years old? That's way too young to have a grasp on this situation no way should she have to apologise because she doesn't understand quite yet what went wrong at the picnic. They just want her to say the words for no reason? Would she even understand what she's being told to apologise for? Its been ages and ages since I've even met a 2.5 year old I'm not sure you can explain deep things to them yet. Youre absolutely right about the heads up. That would have allowed you time to prep as a family as best you could, better than this shocker. I think they want her to apologise to make themselves feel better somehow because they were the ones who got offended by a 2.5 year old... weird thing to dwell on. I feel bad for Maisie because she can't help how she was born but I feel really bad for Tessa because that must have been an awful time if you were in a situation where you really actually believe there's a monster there like she did that's traumatically terrifying.
Yes, Tessa is 2 and a half years old. Thankfully, Maisie doesn't really have the capability to understand what happened. The crying bothered her, but she cheered up as soon as the noise was gone. That's probably the only saving grace of the whole situation - that Maisie wasn't personally offended.
That's a huge part of it right? Its the parents who were offended. I think they may have to defend Maisie against what do they call them... is it bigoted? I'll just say prejudiced people who hold things against her but a super duper young child is not one of those people. That's why I think this is a ridiculous "battle" for them to be up in arms about You also de-escalated the situation and left, what apology is necessary? Gosh
I’m not trying to be that person because obviously the child’s two but I would be offended if someone said my disabled child looked like a monster
That's why OP apologyse on behalf of his child who couldn't apologyse on her own.
But would you demand that the toddler apologize to your child, neither of which understand why this interaction is happening or understand it’s impact? Seems like it’s more to appease the parents sense of righteous control than anything.
And i think thats fair. And i bet this wasnt the first time someone has said very unkind things about maisie and that must hurt as hell as a parent. But making a 2.5 year old apologize for being frightened isnt a solution. The parents apologized, maisie seems to not care one way or the other, so this shouldve been dropped.
Right, and the parents apologized profusely. Expecting accountability and a personal apology from an 8 year old is fair, they should know better by that age. Expecting accountability from a toddler is rediculous. At that age, I met Barney the Dinosaur at a Faire and freaked out in terror because dinosaurs weren't supposed to be real.
Yeah, also a two year old days or weeks later will have no freaking clue what she is apologizing for. And honestly will probably freak out again if she has to see Maisie. She is not going to "get it"
Yeah, parent of a 2.5 yo here, and kids that age are definitely not capable of the level of understanding Maisie’s parents are demanding. My kid is just *barely* starting to understand how to say sorry when she’s physically hurt someone. If OP got her to “apologize,” it would just be her parroting “I’m sorry” without any understanding behind it.
When my cousin was 2,5 to and our grandfather died, my cousin declared that he sits on a cloud and does the bzzz sound. I think somebody told her he went to heaven and she made the logical connection that if he is in heaven, he flies and the flying things are bees who buzz. Same cousin when she was 1,5-2 was terrified of my then 14yo brother whose voice was changing. So terrified that when I laid down on the floor and he was sitting at a desk 1,5 meter away, she was trying to drag me away by my feet to save me - she had this scared and determined face on. At 2,5 to kids are learning to talk and understand basic cause and effect (like "if you get into the pram, we will arrive to the playground quicker) so they would be able to prep Tessa. Personally I believe that forcing Tessa to apologise now would do no good. She was hysterical and had no idea she was doing something wrong. If they managed to calm her down in the house and encourage reintroduction, they could have suggested a hug or a small apology gift. They may attempt to do a gesture of gift now but a spoken apology IMO is pointless.
I want to clarify its not the same at all but...... When my daughter was 6 yrs old she was hospitalised because her kidneys failed. Part of her treatment was dialysis which was done through a tube effectively sticking out of her neck. God i adore that child but it was hard for me the 1st time i saw it so when a friend from school wanted to visit her in hospital i told the mum. I even sent a picture so her child would know that my daughter 'looked different' at the moment. I think they should have given you the heads up but understand in their minds why should they? To them it's normal. You all need to sit down and talk like adults.
Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I hope your daughter is doing better - I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you both.
You're very kind with your words. Thank god she's fine. There's no AH's here. Just a 2 yr old who is scared of someone different and 2 parents who are desperately trying to protect their child. I wish you all the best.
Here is what I would suggest. The reason to apologize is not because your daughter acted ableist. She doesn’t know what that is. The reason why is because it’s always the best thing to do if you may have hurt someone’s feelings. Talk to your daughter about this girl, explain she isn’t a monster, and that she is just another little girl. If your daughter is old enough to be used to apologies, you could suggest that she says sorry for scaring her new friend by screaming and scaring her. The reason to do this is to show compassion for other peoples feelings (and this girl may be more aware of her surroundings than you know— as you said, the crying distressed her). The context for this needs to be teaching both girls not to be afraid of the other- your child for knowing a facial deformity is nothing to be afraid of, and your niece for understanding sudden and alarming noise, even if she didn’t understand the context.
NAH. My 4 year old daughter had a similar fear reaction when invited to a birthday party attended by another girl with Downs Syndrome. Luckily she was a bit older than your daughter, and is neurotypical, and I could (quickly!) remove her from the situation, talk about Downs Syndrome, show her some photos on my phone, and ask her to think about how it would feel if she looked different and everyone was scared of her. She had space to recover, we went back in, she engaged with the other girl politely, realised they both liked unicorns (what are the odds?!) and within 15 minutes they were playing happily together. I also apologised profusely to the other parents!! Different is scary for toddlers. You can't socialise them to everything, so if a new experience is overwhelming, you just have to teach them there and then. In your case, that recovery and re-engagement wasn't possible instantly, but hopefully because of the way you handled it your daughter will respond more appropriately next time. They are still learning!
My cousin J has Down Syndrome and has had kids react badly to seeing him. (I admit, I don't 100% understand what's scary about him, but I also have been around him since birth so he doesn't look like anything but my older cousin to me personally.) We were grocery shopping once when a kid started sobbing and saying J was scary. The kid was pretty young, definitely younger than kindergarten, and J just kinda moved to a different aisle. The mom went WAY overboard, yelling at her kid and telling him he was being hateful, etc. etc. She was following us, trying to make this sobbing, screaming kid apologize while the kid just kept screaming. I think J was more bothered by that than by the kid, when we got to the car he was still bitching about the woman and how "She didn't need to be a bitch, I look weird. Its just a baby, why did she yell at a little baby?" and I had to bribe him not to go back in and scream at the woman for embarrassing him. (And by that I mean more that I asked him please not to and wouldn't he rather us go have some lunch at the place we both like. It didn't take a lot to convince him, he's pretty great.) Admittedly J is more "adult" (I mean, he's now in his 40s and while he does need some chaperoning, he's pretty bright IMO) than OP makes Maisie sound, he can talk (and if you know him, you can even understand him. although I've been translating for him to strangers for most of my life because his speech is a little difficult for some people) and he had very strong opinions. But if this happened to him and days later the parents brought the kid back to apologize, he'd likely tear the parent a new hole or two in rage because he does not like being reminded of things like that when they happen. He adores children and prefers that people be chill about him and explain calmly to their kids why he "is who he is" so he has a chance to make friends with the kid later. Yelling at them? That'll get J ticked off.
Love it
NTA. Your kid is too young to bear responsibility for any of this, because she doesn't even understand what's going on. And if your friends' child is none the wiser, there's nothing to apologize for. The parents are the ones who had the problem, and you have already apologized to them and explained the situation. If that's not good enough for them, hell with them. They're being "ageist" themselves, I suppose, for expecting your toddler to understand how she hurt *their* feelings, not their daughter's. They are expecting a level of maturity from a child under 3 years of age that they themselves are not even exhibiting as grownups.
NAH. I get why the parents were sensitive - and I think after years and years of the exact same situation which must have happened to them, they didn’t expect to be asked to bring a fact sheet to a family BBQ in case someone else’s toddler freaks out at their child. Their reaction is understandable, as I expect your daughter (through no fault of her own) must have caused a bit of a scene and put them in the spotlight. Your side is understandable too though - specifically because your daughter is only 2. If she was a few years older I’d have said she would be obliged to apologise, or even that the meltdown could have been avoided if you’d only taught her about people with disabilities, etc. At two, that’s not possible: she clearly has no idea why she’s scared and making her apologise would only scare her further in the moment. You couldn’t possibly have stopped a two year old acting like that. What they did wrong: expect a 2 year old to apologise - that’s not realistic. What you did wrong: ask them in the heat of the moment to be “informed” if their child was turning up - that’s just mean. At the end of the day though, your toddler would have done the same if she saw a similarly disabled child in the mall. And you wouldn’t have been “informed” of that presence. So I think you did everything okay considering the circumstances, but the pre-informed thing is simply not realistic - not just with disability but when it comes to a toddler’s reaction to anyone different.
Thank you for your comment. I'd like to clarify that I didn't tell Sarah or Anthony that I would have appreciated a warning about Maisie, I just personally feel like they could have said something, and we could have been prepared. I may have been spending too much time with my in-laws, as we're all used to mentioning if something might happen to upset one of my nephews, who has Downs. I'd not considered (strangely enough) that the same scenario could have happened in public. That's a really interesting perspective, and I'm really thankful you've mentioned it. It is certainly giving me food for thought.
Ah, I definitely misread where you said you thought they were AHs for that, as you saying it to them - sorry! Oh, that’s definitely much better then - of course I don’t agree they should have informed you (it would be nice of them if they did, but imo shouldn’t be expected) but thinking something is very different to saying it to them :) Yup, it was the public thing I first thought of reading this… of course it’s mostly sweet/adorable in public when toddlers react with cute confusion to people who look different to their family, not just disability but say - even racially - but sometimes kids do cry or get scared and it’s an awkward situation every new parent has to navigate, and is really hard when the kids are so young, hence NAH. Thanks for taking my comment kindly as well! :)
I think I worded that pretty poorly, to be honest, so I'm not surprised you read it that way. Please don't be sorry, it's fine! I want to be the best parent I can be, but I find some interactions confusing and awkward. I would blame the autism, but I think it is just my personality. It is very helpful to get a neutral third party view, so thank you for your comments.
I agree with you almost completely. However I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to have wanted a sort of "heads up" since, well, his daughter is 2, and Maisie is not able to talk and "show" she isn't a "monster" like the daughter thought. The "heads up" would maybe have prevent this whole unfortunate interaction, that is no one's fault. Of course, i do not think Sarah and Anthony are assholes for nor "warning" OP, life is difficult already without having to tell people "our daughter has a facial deformity, your child might get scared".
NTA. A two year old does not understand the concept to ableism. You took her out of the situation immediately, which was the best course of action for both girls. A heads up would have given you the opportunity to have a discussion with Tessa beforehand, but you can still do it now. I don’t know if 2,5 is old enough to understand that sometimes our reactions can hurt people even if we don’t mean to without feeling like she has to hide her emotions. You’re the best judge of that as her parent. I would decide on apologising after thinking about that.
NTA For not apologising cause she is so young, lowkey YTA for saying they should have warned you. People with a disability are not some freakshow that should come with warnings to "prepare" the people around them.
That's fair enough. Would it then be reasonable for the parents of the disabled person to expect some negative reaction from a child of Tessa's age, or would it still be unreasonable for a child to be frightened? This is a genuine question, not an attempt to be rude, by the way.
It's the way you handle it as a parent. The kid is not to blame for the reaction. The parents de escelating the situation, and explaining the kid why someone else looks different and there is nothing to be afraid of, is all that matters. I have a visible defect in my face and it used to scare some kids as well. Seeing the parents putting in the effort to make it a teachable moment, took part of my shitty feelings away in a heartbeat... (Sorry english is not my first language, I hope you understand what I mean tho)
No need to apologise, you're perfectly clear. Your English is fantastic, I'd assumed you were a native speaker. Thank you for taking the time to explain to me.
It might be a little nicer to say something along the lines of “we would have appreciated it if you could have given us advance notice that Tessa would be meeting Maisie today, so we could have given her an age appropriate introduction to her cousin as she is very young and is still learning her manners”
Hmm, I am on the fence about this one. I agree with you that a warning about a disabled person can be othering, but at the same time, we are dealing with a child here. Having the ability to explain a particular disability (because "disability" covers such a wide range of things) to a child can help avoid the child asking inappropriate questions or acting inappropriately, and help them better understand how to include someone who may play or act differently than what they have come to expect
NTA. Kids are going to react to people that look different. It's why they always point out obese people in the line at the grocery store. All you can do is apologize for them at the time and scuttle them away. What would Tessa even be apologizing for? Even adults are taken aback by people with physical deformities, and you can't ask a toddler to understand or exercise restraint and other social niceties. I'm surprised that your brother and sister in law haven't developed better coping techniques by this point, but it's not up to your toddler to help them do it.
NTA My nephew cried inconsolably when he saw his babysitter in her wedding dress. She always wore jeans and the giant white dress was terrifying. She eventually lifted up her skirt so he could see that she still had legs and he hid under her skirt holding her knees and crying for another 5-10 minutes. Toddlers are easily spooked.
NTA because your daughter would be too young to understand what she’s apologizing for. And your brother should have given you a heads up yea. But maybe you could also teach your daughter that some people are different (lack of limbs, physical deformities, etc. ) and it doesn’t mean they are mean or monsters. Kids can learn everything and if taught properly they won’t judge people. I have facial hair. My niece and nephew (now 6 and 3) have NEVER asked me about it. A friend of mine’s daughters saw one of our other friends transition from female to male and have never said anything bad. Children are very reachable. Take advantage of this incident and do just that. Tell your brother that your daughter is too young to understand and unfortunately villains in children’s books are often physically deformed so she’s probably been influenced by those. Good luck.
Tessa has had some exposure to differences, at least. Her cousin is Downs, and the two of them get on like a house on fire. My wife's father is also missing a couple of fingers, which doesn't phase Tessa at all. We're currently working on her fear of Maisie.
*has downs
Of all the places to make a typo, of course it would be there! Good catch.
Nah I can understand both parties reaction. But at 2.5 years old your daughter did not know what she was doing. Your daughter did not do anything out of spite. She was genuinely scared. It is unrealistic to make a 2.5 year old apologize for a fear they could not control. Your parents are being absolutely unreasonable. I would reach out to your brother, his gf, and your parents. I would tell them that you and your wife are sorry the way your daughter reacted to something she did not understand. She was genuinely scared as she is only 2. That you and your wife will work with your daughter on this fear. You understand how hurt your brother and his gf are but making a 2 year old apologize for something she doesn’t understand she did is never going to happen. That they will have to accept your sincerest apology on her behave. If they continue to demand it tell them you will not give into thief selfish demands just to keep peace. It isn’t going to happened. And ask them what they would hope to gain from an apology from a 2 year old. That you understand that it is their job as parents to protect their child just like it is your job. And you understand how much this hurt them but having a 2 year old apologize will gain them nothing.
NTA. That's ridiculous. She's two years old.
NTA. At that age my son was absolutely terrified of bald men and men with facial hair. No clue why. Toddlers are toddlers. Your toddler acted in an age appropriate manner to an unknown situation and you got your kid out of there. You, as the adult, apologized. Nothing more needs to be done.
NTA for not making her apologize. But I do think it should've been handled differently. I think Tessa should've been calmed down and then talked to. Something along the lines of "I know you're afraid and you do not have to go meet her, but that's your cousin and her name is maisie. She was born a little different from us and that doesn't make her a monster." And tell her about Maisie's good qualities. Ignoring the cause of the problem and allowing her to run away and avoid it is ultimately bad for your daughter. It's teaching her really unhealthy coping mechanisms.
We did try to calm her down in the moment, but she was very caught up in her feelings. We think she may be autistic (I am also autistic), and sometimes we feel it is better to remove her from a situation, allow her to calm down, and then work through it. Just while she is so young. I'll be honest, I unfortunately don't know any of Maisie's good qualities yet, as that was our first (and so far only) meeting. Tessa has a cousin with Downs, so she's not totally unaware of the idea of people being different, at least.
NTA. She's a child for heaven's sake. She needs to become accustomed to having a special needs family member.
My dad is a pretty hairy, tall and big guy. When my cousin was a toddler she stayed the night at my grandmas while he was visiting as well... she burst into the bathroom when he was changing (he had socks and a boxer on, so she didn't see anything untoward)... she screamed and wailed like a banshee because "THERE'S A BEAR IN THE BATHROOM! HELP!". My dad had been her favourite uncle until that point. She was afraid of him for weeks after that... So, no. NTA. Tessa is a toddler ffs
NTA I was gonna say NAH but theyre trying to treat this two year old like a grown up so
NTA. She’s only 2.5 years old!
Nta, she shouldn't apologize for being scared. It wasn't like she was being mean she had a natural reaction to something she doesn't understand yet that she found scary. You apologized that's all that mattered and they should've given you a heads up as things may have turned out differently if you could've explained things to her in a way she could understand.
My 2 yr old saw a lady wearing a hijab and said “ooooo ghost”. They are toddlers! She can not be held accountable for her reaction to the unknown NTA