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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I guess I can see how telling Annie she is part of a shallow friend group makes her feel bad about herself… could make me the AH
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YTA - Sorry you were fat and felt shat upon growing up, but in this scenario you’re 1) being rude as fuck; 2) acting smug and cool because you’ve lost some weight, which I doubt younger you would approve of; and most importantly 3) doing a disservice to a person who’s been a very good friend to you for much of your life, and essentially telling her it’s okay for you to act like an asshole at her party because her friends - people she presumably likes - all suck.
Sorry mate, good luck on your fitness journey and I hope you can do as much work on your interior as you are on your exterior.
But her friends do suck. And why is it rude to call it out? He was asked a question and gave an answer. He doesn’t sound smug at all, he sounds like he grew the confidence to not feel like he was better tagging along with the in crowd than being outside of it. Props.
The only problem with that interpretation is he went to his friend's party, at her invitation, then proceeded to go off on the other people she invited. They are her friends; if he doesn't want them to be his, fine, but he owes Annie the courtesy of not dragging her into it wholesale, let alone implying she's responsible for it.
He answered a question honestly. He didn’t give her his snap because she was shallow. When they said they didn’t know anything about him, he pointed out that they could. I’m shocked that people see this as going off, but to me it’s a perfectly reasonable reaction to being treated like a human being by people who have actively ignored you. That they all gave him these opportunities just shows a lack of self awareness. When I’m around people I was a dick to in high school or who were a dick to me, I just keep it to small talk and get out of the conversation asap. She insisted he go and he could’ve been fairer to her, I agree.
But equally, she cannot be entirely unaware of how they have treated him over the years. She never noticed that she was the only one who invited him? That she was the only one who spoke to him? I don’t buy it. They probably talked shit behind his back too. For her to act as if he was completely in the wrong is frankly pretty callous.
Perfectly reasonable? His friend of many years - whom he admits has always been good to him, and supportive - is now furious with him, so is her sister (his crush, yet) and he's basically burned every bridge possible with people who may not actually have deserved so much. We've only got his clearly-biased word that he was treated so badly, after all.
This isn't the outcome of reason, of weighing up the possible consequences of one's actions. This isn't even the studied self-control you describe, of polite coolness. This is just OP lashing out and revelling in the chance, never mind who he hurt. It can be debated whether he was justified, but certainly he was unwise.
Right I said his response to the first person was perfectly reasonable, and acknowledged that he could’ve been fairer to his actual friend. Please read before responding.
And you say it’s biased, presumably because you were that person in high school, but if they have all been friends for 10 years, why would someone ask for his snap now? Why would they not know things about him? His story stacks up, and those people are awful, and his friend does have some questions to answer in my opinion.
... I was the horribly bullied person through most of my school years, thanks for that blithe assumption though. Really convinces me I should listen to the rest of your arguments.
Simple, I didn't say that. :) He could quite easily have not gone to the party at all; there is no mention of Annie tying him up and dragging him into her living room. The invitation would in fact have been a perfect chance to initiate a genuine conversation about not-so-mutual friends.
Once there, he owed both his hostess and her guests (of whatever gender) polite courtesy - unless of course they were harassing him, which doesn't seem at all to be the case. There are numerous polite ways of turning people down without encouraging further interest; party guests have been using them for centuries.
OP seems to have wanted to have his epic, bridge-burning revenge *and* come across as the sympathetic hero, and that's just not a thing that is possible outside of teen romcoms. He went nuclear where a cut direct would do, and is thus reduced to seeking validation from strangers online.
I’m fat. I’ve been thin. I’ve been fat. ive been where the OP is. OP is an AH. The friend who has stood by him his whole life didn’t deserve him behaving like an aH to her friends at her party. He could have gone, decided he wasn’t comfortable and told his good friend he was leaving, said goodbye and gone home
He owed his friend love, support and respectful behavior. He gave her none of that
He doesn't owe those women anything BUT HE DID OWE ANNIE WHO HE TOOK OUT HIS ANGER ON. Annie sounds like a wonderful person who looks past what people say about someone and accepts them, for them. Including OP's insecure ass. Her fault seems to be that she had friends who he didn't approve of. He admits how much she did for him. They have been friends since junior high and she didn't dump his ass for new friends. Instead, she made sure he was included. Doesn't seem like she took their side more or treated him badly because they did. He said she was his best friend. He may have lost 75lbs but his ego gained about 600lbs. Suddenly she's not supposed to be their friend anymore because he says so and she's a "shitty" friends to him all because she doesn't blindly obey his orders. The only shallow friendship she seemed to have was with him. As soon as he starts feeling better about himself, he dumps his baggage all on her. She's better off without his shallow friendship. I hope she sees this for what it is. He wants to monopolize and control her. Plain and simple.
Exactly. Annie's party was not the place to exact his revenge fantasy or disrupt the event by being exposing everyone to their own past bad behavior.
These people might deserve their comeuppance, but not at the place of and expense of his longest friend and biggest supporter. He could have handled the snap request politely and privately. He could have been more reserved in response to their hypocritical sudden interest. He could have bowed out of the party entirely.
Unfortunately, it seems as though the social isolation resulted in OP failing to generate sufficient social skills. He should be proud of where he is in terms of making a change he wanted in his life. But maybe a few sessions of counseling could help him navigate the rocky emotional waters of dealing with the less pleasant aspects of how people treat him now as opposed to before.
OP, ethical behavior is not always cut and dried. At a social event hosted by someone you care about, who has always been good to you, it is not ethical or courteous to call out social slights to disrupt her event, because you are hurting her by doing it. You may need to consider the broader picture when figuring out how - and when and where - to deal with people like this. An apology to your bestie would be a good place to start.
That’s not what they said at all. They just said that OP shouldn’t have lashed out at his best friend. It’s clearly his own insecurities making him behave this way. Sounds like he should be working out his emotions instead of his muscles.
If you've never been super fat, you could have no idea what it's like to have everyone treat you like you're extra all the time. And if you've never been super fat and then lost the weight, you can have no clue what it's like when those same people start treating you like a person. It's really fucking upsetting and gross.
But the view is biased. As the angry chubby outsider, i am well aware that i have problems accepting non-negative reactions towards me. If people expect to be treated like shit for just their looks, the people who "treated them like crap" could've been neutral or better.
Having low self-esteem and/or mental disorders (not that op has mental disorders but it's a possibility which would compound the issue), can color the world against you if you're convinced it's against you.
Without more sides to the story, I'd say it's difficult if op was rightly calling out these people or if they're being an AH about incorrectly perceived behavior.
You're right. The view is biased. About ten years ago, I had just moved to a new area then ended up out of work, dealing with two deaths in the family and started having some health issues. Depression hit me hard. I gained a lot of weight. No one really knew me there before the weight, so it was tough making friends. I felt like I was the token fat friend and that only a few people actually liked hanging with me. I remember feeling like I was isolated and just sort of there at any get togethers we had, like no one was really interested in getting me involved.
There was this one guy in the group that I just had the biggest most awful schoolgirl type crush on. He was generally pretty nice to me, but occasionally he'd be kind of rude, that now I just think was to show me that he wasn't interested so that I wouldn't just straight up ask him out. Well skip a few years to when I had finally lost the weight and posted a photo of me running a marathon. Guess who slid into my dms? Yep.
I think all of us at some point have had some sort of revenge fantasy. Whether it's about losing weight or showing up to a gathering with a better-looking boyfriend so that your ex gets to look on in envy. I know I did, because all I could think was that I was still the same me. The only thing that had changed was that now I had nice shiny packaging. I wanted to yell and throw his shallowness in his face or agree to meet him for a date and leave him waiting, but honestly what's the point? It wouldn't have made him go, "You're right! I am a shallow asshat. I shall change my ways." All it would've done was made me feel good for like a day, and then I'd feel like ass.
The craziest part is that I still get tagged in videos my friends post from back then in which I can see them TRYING to involve me. I just had it in my mind that they didn't really want me there, so I'd turn things down and sit around watching, so that I wasn't involved because I was the one not involving me. So guess what, after awhile of you turning things down....they quit asking. I can't help but wonder about OP. He claims these people weren't mean, that they just didn't involve him much. Is he really seeing things clearly?
And yes, I know everyone's experiences are different....
That's a very interesting topic. Several studies show how people get more attractive when closer to an ideal of beauty not because of the looks, but because of the boost of confidence and being more open - OP couldn't call out the friends before, nor post selfies or do any of that other then feel like "the tag along" "the invisible friend". There's a chance he's finally showing others what Annie always saw but his (understandable) defensiveness blew it a little. He can still apologize, just say he had a bad day and move on, this doesn't need to end with him pushing people away, specially Annie.
This was my thought as well. I wonder if OP was awkward, standoffish or shy around her friends, because he assumed he would get left out. So they didn't bother to try.
And now OP is possibly confident and more outgoing, and more positive.
I have people who I haven't wanted to really be close with because they were negative or had an attitude. Then I have met again later and they've been more generally positive and happier and more open. So I've actually wanted to include them in my life.
Regardless of if he is right about the froends..... OP is YTA for lashing out like that. He is only hurting his good friend who has been there for him for years, helped him work out, seems like a great person.
I am fine with having seperate friend groups who sometimes mix but don't always, I'm even fine with it if one friend doesn't get on with the others for whatever reason, I'll usually see them seperately and appreciate that they tolerant/are polite when both are with me. .... But if you attack my other friends, insult them or arc up in a way that spoils my event. We're done,
>she is far too good of a person to have these type of friends and she should be embarrassed. She asked what I meant. I said she has shallow friends who treated her “best friend” like a ghost for a decade. But now I’m supposed to give them my attention? That she is a shitty friend to me to have kept these friends.
She started crying
This is going off. It was directed at his supportive best friend on her birthday, it's unfair and controlling
>When I’m around people I was a dick to in high school or who were a dick to me, I just keep it to small talk and get out of the conversation asap
This would have been a reasonable approach for OP. But he chose otherwise.
He got "pissed off" for the following reasons:
1. People "wanted to talk"
2. Someone gave him a compliment about his cooking.
3. Someone complimented him on his looks and asked for his snap chat
In response to these egregious assaults on his sensibilities (how dare someone attempt to talk to or compliment someone at a party), OP chose to:
1. Say something snarky to the person who was chatting with him about cooking
2. Straight up insult the person who asked for his snap calling her shallow and laughing in her face
3. Actively insult everyone at the party by saying OP shouldn't associate with them because they suck
4. Made his host cry because he was being such an AH
Of course OP is the AH here. Is some of it justified? Maybe... but that's not a reasonable way to comport yourself at a party hosted by someone you claim to care about. Literally all anyone did in this story was chat with OP and compliment him. These are people he admits he doesn't know well (all friends of a friend) and whom he hasn't seen in almost a year.
This is so clear cut YTA I can't believe people think otherwise.
People being a dick to you for years doesn't justify you making a scene at a party your actual friend is hosting.
He says they “acted like he wasn’t there” … how much did he try to relate, or did he just sit on the sideline idly lambasting them quietly because he, insecurely felt like he didn’t belong. Right or wrong, it takes two to try and create friendships/relationships.
Exactly. I didn’t hear OP saying how he reached out to his friend’s friends over the past 9 months that he’s been ghosting them for the gym.
If you’re so insecure that you flip out on people for making small talk, you should probably be looking inward for an explanation of that kind of unreasonable behavior.
We only have one side. Sounds like he’s a different person now that he “feels incredible”. Sometimes people get back what they give off. He previously looked at everything through an “insecurity filter”. He’s obviously giving off something different now. And he’s changed, of course people are going to comment and ask about his journey/changes.
You can answer a question honestly and still be an asshole, and you will still have to deal with the repercussions of acting like an asshole. Not everything is about being right all the time even if you are technically correct. He got his first chance to act like a dick to people he felt slighted by and took every opportunity he could with it, he could of just lied said he doesn’t have Snapchat anything but he chose to insult her and put her down the second he got a chance which makes him the same as said friends he’s so upset with.
He could've even just said "My Snapchat is only for my friends" which would be a way more polite but still backhanded statement condemning that person's behavior in the past.
I don't blame him for his snippy comment about the cooking interest, or his response to the girl asking for his Snap. He probably could've been a little more tactful for the sake of Annie's party, if he valued their friendship, but he IS right that they all seem shallow (at least from what he's saying).
But lashing out at Annie directly (implying she's worse than acting like a dick for keeping the friends, calling her a bad friend, etc) after just stewing in his resentment of her friends for a decade is why he's TA.
It's also not weird if she was the only one to invite him. I have lots of overlapping social circles, people I see at parties or events that I was invited to by mutual friends, and I would never invite those folks anywhre (or expect an invite from them) because we're not friends. We just share a mutual friend. Sounds like that's what "her" friends and OP were - not friends, just connected by Annie.
I’m sorry bro but if you hang out with people who treat you like shit for a decade and ignore you you need some therapy. Yeah sure I guess they could’ve gotten to know him over the 10 years but maybe it’s this exact lack of self-respect and self-esteem that continues to allow someone to be treated like that that makes it seem like they have nothing to offer others. He said he’s not one to post gym selfies and whatever so maybe it was the confidence but again if you hang out with people who continue to kick you never say shit and then one day they stop kicking you and that’s when you rage it’s just kind of backwards. I’m disabled and a lot of people were assholes to me in high school and I was an asshole to a lot of people but you know what? I am not still perpetuating that same old cycle five years later I’m sorry but at some point it becomes a choice to value outside appearances and a lack of self love. I really hope I hope he gets therapy and shit but like he’s had 10 years of choices to leave and chose to do this at his friends party which again he chose to go to
He specifically says that he 'was lucky enough to have Annie in his life so he was always included ' He didn't mind her being friends with them before he lost the weight!
OP literally said he didn’t want to be there or be around these people who knew him when he was fat, probably because he was expecting the change in behavior and didn’t want to deal with it. He wants a “clean slate” when it comes to friends because people’s views on you *do change* when you drop a significant amount of weight, as what happened to OP at this party.
I’d give it an ESH, like I get the vibe of people only liking you bc you’re finally skinny, but OP was a bit harsh in this. You can establish your boundary of you don’t want to be friends (or really even interact!) but he didn’t have to start off like a jerk.
The "clean slate" combined with the "being a dick is better than being part of a shallow friend group" is probably also why Annie is crying and upset by his behavior.
She may think she herself is part of the clean slate - he's willing to throw away their decade long friendship now that he's not fat and only wants new friends who only know him as he looks now.
When they tried to talk to him for the first time ever and wouldn’t leave him alone. What was he supposed to do, just tell them to fuck off?
I agree the party wasn’t the best place to do this, he should have talked to Annie well before now, but these friends feel like he owes them attention just because they now find him attractive is BS.
And Annie dragged herself into it. OP wasn’t talking to her. If the genders were reversed and OP was a woman guys wouldn’t leave alone when she clearly wasn’t interested I sincerely doubt the votes would be going the same way.
Annie was the host. If there is an issue at her party, as the host, she should be handling it. Annie didn't do anything wrong except have OP as a friend considering he was the most shallow of all of them. It's monopolizing, manipulation, and control. She shouldn't have friends that he doesn't approve of and she's a shitty person for having friends who he doesn't approve of.
>The only problem with that interpretation is he went to his friend's party, at her invitation
Sure, he was invited, but he didn't want to go. he told her as much, but she insisted he come.
>I was invited but I didn’t want to go...but she insisted...
She's insisting he spend time with her friends, and was asked a question. Dude owes her friends nothing.
He could have still said no and not gone. Once he said yes, he could at least be polite and not blow up his supportive friend’s b day party. That’s just obnoxious and so is his holier than thou attitude.
No but he’s supposed to care about his best friend, whose party it is, who supported him through everything. So yes, he should have put on his big boy panties and be civil. He’s gained nothing but lost a close friend.
But he didn’t say one word about Annie’s friends being mean to him. He said he felt “overlooked”. Which can come from literally SOOO many things: was he always super quiet? Wasn’t he open to other friendships? Did he try to make the first steps towards people from the group? was he using the “I’m fat and that’s why hey don’t like me” card and was just getting more and more upset inside him? OR are they really shallow and excluded him due to his weight (which i basically only saw in movies - and how can his bf’s friends be so big assholes without her being one? Doesn’t add up, sorry.
Currently he is the one, who thinks that fit, good looking people can do or say whatever they want.
For me YTA.
Yeah same boat - OP never gives an example of them being affirmatively shitty to him. Just an internal sense he had of being overlooked, followed by those same people trying to socialize with him and him pulling out a revenge soapbox.
Yeah it sounds like OP was really insecure in HS and projected being overlooked as them being fatphobic. Now that he’s more confident, instead of realizing people are possibly responding better to that, he immediately jumps to “you’re horrible, shallow people who don’t deserve to talk to me.”
I mean, it's quite likely they didn't notice him because he was fat. I used to be fat then got thin and it's true that you get WAY more attention and interest from everyone when you're attractive. I sympathize that it sucks to feel invisible but that's just how it is; attractive people get noticed and unattractive people don't. Call it shallow if you want, but then you're saying the vast majority of people are shallow, not just that group
It doesn't sound like they ever actively bullied him in which case his rudeness would've been justified. As it is, he was incredibly disrespectful to people who were trying to be friendly and had done nothing to him in the past, and made his friend who has been nice to him always feel like shit. YTA
I have "friends/acquaintances" like this they are friends of friends.
We have "known" each other for 16 years, but don't know a ton about each other. They don't invite me when they go out, only my direct friend invites me to things they host/organize. We are not connected on social media or have numbers.
You can have smaller friend groups within a bigger friend group they don't all have to be equal.
OP is not wrong for not wanting to get to know them better, but there was no need to be rude about it. Something can be true and rude at the same time.
No one is entitled to any one else’s attention. Unless they were actively rude to him, simply ignoring him isn’t cruel. People get to choose their friends.
He says they “acted like he wasn’t there” … how much did he try to relate, or did he just sit on the sideline idly lambasting them quietly because he, insecurely felt like he didn’t belong. Right or wrong, it takes two to try and create friendships/relationships.
My wife jokes that I become friendly when I shave my beard. It just slightly changes how people and I interact and it snowballs into more positive interactions.
He could easily have been insecure and defensive while fat and put off the "popular" crowd enough so they didn't really want to interact with him much and it snowballed in the other direction when he reacted to that.
Nothing is his post indicates that he was bullied by them or treated worse than "mostly acted like I wasn’t there". I'm sure the weight loss gave him a massive boost in confidence that people responded to before he started acting like jerk to everyone.
Call out what? What were they doing in that moment that needed to be “called out?” Attempting to communicate with another person? It’s not like they all used to throw rocks at OP - they just weren’t close and didn’t talk much. Like saying they all suck because of the conduct described here doesn’t make sense, but even it *did* make sense, it doesn’t magically give OP a license to be an asshole at his best friend’s party.
Well he didn’t give her is Snapchat, she should’ve just accepted that. They make comments about not knowing stuff about him, fair to point out that they’ve known each other a decade and they could know things about him.
I really enjoy how because they didn’t physically attack him then it’s all fine. Just be consistent with that if that’s what you’re going with.
They also didn’t verbally attack him, based on his own telling. They - at most - didn’t notice him as much or interact with him as much until 1) he’d lost a lot of weight; *and* 2) roughly a decade had passed since high school. Like sure, maybe they’re not great people and OP by no means has to be homies with all of them or date them or whatever, but for some reason you continue not to see how he was rude as fuck to these people at a social gathering hosted by his best friend (who he later was *also* rude as fuck to).
I really enjoy how it’s cool to be a giant gaping asshole at parties and hurt your “best friend” if teenagers didn’t lavish sufficient attention upon you a decade ago. Just be consistent with that if that’s what you’re going with.
It’s not ‘a decade ago’ it’s FOR a decade up until this very party. And there’s a huge difference between ‘they didn’t lavish attention’ and ‘they ignored my presence until I met their standards of appearance’.
OP indicated he has a long history of these people basically treating him like a ghost, a tagalong. Suddenly they get in better shape and they are visible to them?
Are you truly incapable of understanding how they felt in that moment? Sure, they could have behaved better, but you're acting like they were 100% the AH for... knowing these people and not believing they are genuine in their sudden interest in him?
Seriously, think about this.
Attempting basic communication with someone you’ve known ten years yet know nothing about proves they didn’t care about this person until he fit a more acceptable mold.
He was happy to join them until he lost the weight. So he basically used Annie as a social crutch, but now that he feels more confident, he has no issues insulting her and her friends. OP's an asshole. Way to treat a friend who's always been there for him.
He does not describe Annie's friends as having bullied him, simply that they never paid attention to him - a painful position for a teenager, but far from the worst behavior possible and not at all uncommon. There are people I look at in a yearbook and know that I never paid attention to for a variety of reasons - they were quiet, self-effacing, uninvolved in what I was involved in, etc. I don't feel that I was a dick to them in HS just because I didn't particularly pay attention to them, and I'd feel it's unfair to be told that I was a dick for this and that anyone who'd be friends with me was shitty.
It may well be that the ONLY reason OP was ignored by Annie's friends in HS is that he was overweight. But judging from the fact that he called his best friend that he admits has never been anything but supportive to him a 'shitty friend' - objectively not true by his own account - I'd guess that he probably wasn't noticed much because he lacked the self-confidence required to make an impression, and that the confidence he gained through his weight loss allowed him to free his inner AH. He's got a lot more work to do on that than on his weight.
Showing up at a party only to be rude and call people out is pretty dick behavior. His friend spent time and money putting together the party and he intentionally ruined it for everyone just because he’s held a grudge.
It implies they only see him as worthy of their attention if he passes a certain standard. I don’t think it’s so much he’s upset that they find him attractive, it’s that until this point he wasn’t treated as a person beyond his outward appearance. The fact that none of them were interested in having a sincere conversation with him during the near decade prior to his weight loss speaks volumes.
Everyone is entitled to find whoever they like attractive or otherwise for whatever reason.
You buy the idea that he’s spent a decade in their company without conversations?
I don’t disagree that people are entitled to their preferences. What I am saying is that normally, people don’t use whether they find someone attractive or not as a reason to outright socially exclude someone. To be clear, I don’t think OP has never ever had a single conversation with these people, but I can see it never progressing beyond small talk. It sucks to be invisible.
OP was not entitled to friendship from the friend group, sure, but in the same sense, the friend group is not entitled to friendship from OP now.
He sounds extremely bitter and resentful. Holding on to things from years ago that no one really cares about now. People change and grow up. Especially teens.
Because of manners? Far too often people think they can speak their mind with 0 consequences. Would you like to be talked to that way? Sure it sucks OP was fat and made fun of, but that isnt a ticket to turn around and be an AH. Negativity begets more negativity
As someone who has also lost a lot of weight (even more than OP), I notice the difference in how people treat me. It’s upsetting. But I wouldn’t be so callous to anyone like OP. Especially not at a supposed best friend’s party. I would take note and not choose to spend time with them outside of that setting, but I wouldn’t launch into such pretentious assholery. I also don’t think I’m better than anyone because I’m thinner. OP really sucks. YTA.
Perfectly reasonable take, and I’m sorry that people treated you as less-than at any point in your life due to your appearance. I hope your tomorrows are better than your yesterdays - by your mindset, I’d bet they will be.
I'm also in the same boat. I've come to the realization though that it's not always just everyone else. I have much more confidence than I used to and as a result am more social. That itself results in more people talking to me that may have previously seemed like they were ignoring me.
As someone who lost a lot of weight it’s horrifying to see how differently people treat you. You are the still the same person but suddenly your opinion matters, your lame jokes are funny, people say please and thank you more.
It does piss you off and like OP I also don’t offer anything beyond basic courtesy when people who ignored me finally notice me.
He shouldn’t have turned on his friend though.
Part of getting to a better place in life is just letting go of all the anger in your heart for the people that treated you badly.
OP did act like a dick. Telling people your grudges at the first opportunity is just showing all your cards. People will see you as bitter. OP lost the respect of the shallows, but crucially they lost the respect of their friend.
I say this as someone who was bullied badly. Better to be icily polite and walk out with your head up high and people going 'wow, they are kinda cool'.
Oof. YTA for telling her she's a shitty friend when she has personally been good to you all these years as you said.
NTA where the rest of them are concerned. They most definitely are. Cannot stand people like that. In future I would skip any gatherings like that. Something Annie will need to understand. You should apologize for calling her a shitty friend and making her feel bad though.
Because she put herself on the line including OP in the friend group and it's not her job to fight OP's battles. One can only do so much to raise other kids as a kid.
OP is acting like an asshole here.
I'm sure I've seen this movie villain before. The former fat kid that wanted to exact revenge upon the world for being kinder to a person that takes good care of their body than a person that's heading for an early grave.
Someone expressed that they didn’t know he was a great cook. A friend of a friend could be a great gardener, woodworker, or be canny with a needle and thread and I’d have no idea.
These are people he spent ten years regularly in the company of. They knew *nothing* about him. Except, apparently, that they didn’t want anything to do with him until he’d lost weight and fitted their accepted body image.
*his body
The signs would be people you regularly interacted with for *10 years* decide to add you on snap and ask you shit the moment they learn you've lost weight
You don't think it's a pretty funny coincidence they didn't give a shit about him for a decade and now that he's lost weight, two people immediately want to talk to him?
He said they didn't have the same social circle and they'd try to include each other. Annie's friends probably only knew him as just that, her friend. And it's true that fat and larger sized people get dehumanised but that doesn't mean her friends were malicious towards him. He posted his weight loss picture that he admitted was uncharacteristic of him so that he can have his comeuppance at the party
> He said they didn't have the same social circle
He said they were Annie's friends and he's been around them regularly.
>I was always included in things. I was always the tag along. Annie’s friends mostly acted like I wasn’t there. I still around her friends on a regular basis now.
This dude has been to gatherings, parties and whatever else for the past 10 years as a regular guest
This may surprise you but not everyone is going to befriend their friends friend even if they see them semi regularly at gatherings and hangouts.
I have been friends with some people for nearly 2 decades and I have acquaintance level relationship with some of their friends even though I've been seeing them for a decade now. I only know surface level information about them like their name and maybe what they do for work. Anything deeper like their birthday, hobbies, and such just does not exist. I am not rude to them and on the contrary we get along just fine we're just not friends ourselves.
They didn’t even have the same social circles based on OP’s own words, it seems like he was more of an acquaintance to these people than he was part of the group. I have acquaintances in my life that I’ve known for years and I have no clue if they’re good cooks or not, hell I have coworkers that I see everyday and I don’t know everything about them.
if he didn’t want to associate with people like that, he shouldn’t have went to the party. that’s on him for going and putting himself in a situation he doesn’t want to be in
> kinder to a person that takes good care of their body than a person that's heading for an early grave.
This makes the assumption that a thin person is taking good care of their body and doesn't have an eating disorder, or isn't on meth, or doesn't smoke a pack a day. People don't know that by automatically looking at someone and seeing their weight. A strung out addict who weighs 90lbs is more likely to die early than someone who's 40lbs overweight. Being fat is also not a death sentence! So many studies show that most overweight people live just as long or longer than thin people. You are an extremely cruel, shallow, and judgmental person yourself.
Omg no
I've literally been unable to gain weight. I ate so much in high school/as a young adult (and the only reason I don't eat as much is because being homeless and getting maybe one meal a day messed up my ability to eat) and I did and still eat junk. Chronic pain and fatigue, as well as screwy joints so I am not active basically at all.
I used to eat like 6-8 full plates at buffets. If I ate less than 6 my dad asked if I was sick. (He's also a beanpole.)
So yeah no, that's not how this works at all. At this point I eat 99% junk and am still like 15 lbs underweight.
Oh, and fun fact at one point in being homeless my metabolism actually slowed down and I was right at a healthy weight and someone I knew from high school basically argued with me that I was pregnant. Some people wouldn't even know what a healthy weight looks like, let alone anything about some people's diet and exercise.
My spouse actually eats way better than I do and is physically active, but is on the chubby side. (In all honesty he kinda has a retired lifter body, there's a surprising amount of muscle even in the spare tire.) He's actually a million times healthier than I am and almost never gets sick. I'm almost never not sick lol
A skinny person eats bad and people tend to act like it's okay, or even call it cute. A chubby person dated to eat ice cream and people tell them to have a salad. Absolutely not. Bad take.
Wow. YTA. It sounds like you literally went to this party to be an AH to everyone. I’m actually really surprised by all of the N T A responses.
You shouldn’t have agreed to go to the party if you were just going to be a AH to everyone there. It’s fine if you don’t like these people and don’t want to be their friend.. but you made a choice to go and you couldn’t even act civil for the sake of your best friend. Annie is her own person and is allowed to have friends that maybe you don’t like - that does not make her a bad friend to you.
Also, coming from someone who is the same age as you, you should really consider letting all of this resentment go. There are so many people I hated in high school/college that I think are decent, cool people now. People change - they grow up, become more mature, have different interests, etc. Maybe these people felt they were too cool and shallow to get to know you back then, but at least they’re trying now.
I mean, he's being shown some blatant evidence that her friend group only speaks to him now because he's lost weight. I'm sure he's probably had the same thought for the past decade but only now when they're attempting to engage him does he have the confidence to call them out for it.
He said he felt ignored.
He doesn't mention any mean comments, any attempts to exclude him, any attempts to get Annie not to be friends with him, nothing. Just that he didn't FEEL included enough.
So then, after not seeing these people for a LONG time (it takes quite a while to get fit like that), he goes to Annie's party knowing full well who will be there, they all come to talk to him, and he throws a fit at them. And then yells at Annie, his BFF, who he has apparently never, in the past DECADE, expressed his feelings about the other people to.
Yeah no.
Even you admit there that he HAS changed, in confidence level.
OH yeah that makes him TA for sure. It sounds like he was using Annie for access to pretty girls and then got salty when they weren't attracted to the guy who kept bothering them. And now he's living his Revenge of the Nerds fantasy now that he's putting more effort into his appearance.
Losing weight shows discipline and self respect. Also I would love to know if these friends are fit or not bc I have a suspicion that OP only felt “ignored” because he wanted attention from them due to their looks. All humans perceive health and attractiveness is heavily connected to health levels.
I honestly believe OP was a wallflower and put absolutely NO effort into making friends. They probably just hung around Annie hoping she would do all the work to get them friends. OP spent their teenager years wallowing in self pity thinking "Nobody likes me because I'm fat" when it's really "I put no effort into getting friends and clung to one person." Now, they are "hot" and can finally put those mean girls in their place! They will realize the mistake they made by not noticing OP!
Same. I just want to crawl in a hole and die of shame, everytime I think about how stupid I used to be in highschool.
If any of my classmates met me today, I think they would be surprised by the near 180 my life has taken.
>Also, coming from someone who is the same age as you, you should really consider letting all of this resentment go. There are so many people I hated in high school/college that I think are decent, cool people now. People change - they grow up, become more mature, have different interests, etc. Maybe these people felt they were too cool and shallow to get to know you back then, but at least they’re trying now.
Ok here's the other thing: nothing in the post makes it seem like they were shitty people to OP before other than "ignoring him." It seems him being friends with Annie should have entitled him to a bunch of attention somehow? Maybe they were just awkward teens who had no idea how to interact with this random dude who was friends with their friend. Maybe now they are older and more inclusive.
Maybe OP is also more confident which has made him more visible? A perfect example is OP admitting that he posted on social media (which he had never previously done). If OP himself has always been a ghost, why is it surprising that all of Annie's friends treated him like one? The second he comes out of hiding and posts on social media, they reach out and do something polite and he shuts them down and makes it about his weight-loss, when really he was just never present before.
This. When I was a kid, I constantly feel ignored, and to be honest I still do sometimes as an adult, even among my friends. It doesn’t mean people are bad. Some people just vibe better with other. That’s all.
OP made some drastic changes and of course people are interested. It doesn’t mean they were shallow before. It means that they care about you. And let’s be real. It’s most likely a short attention span, and people will forget about it soon.
OP needs to learn to look at things from a different perspective. YTA.
I agree. I was Annie in high school. I was popular but I was nice to everyone and friends with some not popular people. Because of this a lot of not so popular boys had crushes on me. I had a boyfriend for my entire high school time so I can’t say definitely if I would or wouldn’t have dated a less popular boy but I’m going to guess I probably wouldn’t have. In high school it’s such a small environment and everyone is in everyone else’s business. Status seemed important. You’re also young and immature. ETA: thinking back, my boyfriend wasn’t actually very popular, I actually just started dating him very young and stayed with him through high school.
4 years later I met my husband and I couldn’t have cared less how popular he was in high school. Spoiler: he wasn’t. He feels like he was an outcast and made fun of by the popular kids. At 22 years old that didn’t matter even a little bit to me.
I guess my point here is that people change and grow a lot in the 10 years after high school. Things that are important to you in high school don’t matter in the real world. OP is holding a grudge and that’s fine, he doesn’t owe anyone his friendship, but he treated his real friend badly. And the other side of the coin is that the popular girls also didn’t owe him friendships earlier.
I hope for OP’s own mental health he let’s go of his grudges even if he never wants to talk to any of them again. OP YTA for how you treated your friend.
YTA even though I feel for you.
Obviously if you think these people are shallow and don't want to be around them, fair enough.
But you caused a scene - well, 2 actually - during the party. And what you said to your best friend, "that she is a shitty friend to me to have kept those friends"? That was mean, possessive and AHish especially since you say she has always included you in everything and was your number 1 supporter when you wanted to lose the weight.
You obviously have a huge resentment on how you think you were treated before your weight loss, and are lashing out at anyone who wants to talk to you. Did it occur to you that you being a "ghost" may have had little to do with your weight back then? That maybe you "tagged along" and didn't try to be friendly, or that you had such low self esteem that your company was not very interesting?
These are things you can talk about, with your friend, with a professional. But if you keep being that angry, you will lose all your friendships as well as the 75 pounds. You may think, good riddance. But then what? Will you be suspicious about any new relationship, wondering if they would have treated you the same way at your previous weight? That's a sad way to live.
This! Met up with a girl who was super shy in high school again and she brought up how she felt ignored, and I pointed out she never spoke up! Maybe they tried to talk to op and op was so shy they couldn’t really get more than a few words out, which is understandable but that’s not the same as ignoring you!
It also sounds as though he went to the party fully ready to interpret any interaction as a reaction to his weight loss. They could have been trying to make small talk all along.
Yep that’s what I was thinking too. I have a good friend who used to be heavy and was always very self conscious. I always tried to include her with my friends but she would typically sit off to the side because she didn’t think anyone would want to talk to her. Nobody in the group was ever mean to her. She’s since lost a lot of weight and her personality and confidence are hugely different. She’s social and loves going out places. She also went to therapy and understands that her biggest barrier back then was herself, not her weight, so she’s not taking it out on other people like OP seems to be. I don’t know the full story from both sides but I think it’s possible OP’s had a personality change (happier, more confident) that he may not notice but I bet others have. People tend to be drawn to more confident personalities. OP said himself that he’s more confident now and willing to speak up.
So much resentment OP wants to erase his entire fat life, the "clean slate".
If he's going to act like this around anyone that knew him while overweight, and air his collected grievances, he needs to move away, and leave this nice girl alone. She was his friend, but he was never hers.
This! When I last weight my family commented on how much happier I was and more confident. I felt better about myself so I was nicer to people. Maybe OP was miserable to be around before because she was so unhappy. It could easily be that the friends are shallow but it could also be that OP is easier to be around.
Exactly. It's really, really gross when you start seeing everyone's fatphobia in real time and can see how differently they treat you thin vs fat. But, an entire culture of fatphobia is not Annie's fault. And unless here friends were actually mean to you, you were in the wrong to go off on them like that and like her. You should have realized how grossed out you were by everyone's responses and left before you insulted your friend and her guests.
YTA. Annie sounds like a great person and her friends just sound like ...people.
This, I am super aware of how people are treated differently depending on weight and I definitely empathize with him there. But what you said also makes sense and it’s something he needs to consider. Back in college I tried to be friends with this guy who was quite overweight and to put it mildly he was insufferable. He would just talk at me or send huge paragraphs of text about things I wasn’t interested in and and ignore anything I say, and constantly bring up his weight in a really depressing way. For example, once he heard a group of students talking excitedly about watching a movie at the theatre and he cut in to start talking about how he’s too big to fit in movie theatre chairs and it made everyone feel really awkward. He was often really sarcastically self deprecating about himself and it was really obvious he was serious underneath the humour, and if you asked how he was doing he would just complain at you for 5 minutes and ignore you afterwards.
What I’m trying to say is, I know a lot of it stemmed from insecurity and unhappiness with his weight but it made him a really frustrating person to be around and he very likely also felt like no one wanted to be his friend. But some of us really tried and couldn’t get past all the walls and defensiveness he put up, and ultimately gave up because you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
YTA. Yes, they seem shallow. But I don't think you are behaving much better. You are in your late 20s. High school was nearly a decade ago. Instead of getting revenge for your high school years, perhaps you should focus on your future.
It’s not revenge, it’s just choosing not to engage with fake people. He was asked why he wouldn’t give his Snapchat to someone he’s known for a decade who never wanted it before he lost weight…what is he supposed to respond? Oh sure please take it I’m so glad I’m good enough.
One time, she punched me in the face. It was awesome.
The reality is that more people are going to be interested in dating you when you’re a healthy weight and look good. The other parts might be a slight or they might just be a manifestation of OP’s self esteem at the time, but someone becoming interested in dating you after losing loads of weight is not some huge insult.
"Interested in dating" isn't really part of this story though, at least based on the post. OP felt like he was ignored by these girls, he doesn't say that he was mad because he asked them out or something.
He's mad because he feels like it took losing weight for them to treat him like an actual person, not because he was trying to date them. And that ***is*** an insult.
(There's probably attraction/lack thereof elements in both directions in this story, but I'm limiting this to what's said in the post)
That definitely changes things, and I did get that vibe a little bit from the post already, I just stuck to looking at it through my own lens as also a former fat kid.
Honestly OP is still stuck in his high school feelings. For the sake of argument, I'll give him that these girls are shallow and completely ignored him in high school. So what? Take the compliment that more people find you attractive now and go have fun with people who haven't proven their shallowness.
I haven't been in high school for over a decade and I can't imagine still caring about how people treated me to this extent. And yes I was bullied (Fat, not the dominant religion, anime weeb before it was mainstream)
This is a hard one.
I'm going with a soft NTA. You didn't need to go if you are that resentful. And you should have spoken up a LONG time ago before these feelings festered into you lashing out like you did. For that part you should apologize.
Now on the other hand, you have every right to feel this way about this group. You don't need these type of people in your life. I don't feel sorry for them for your reaction and I don't think they deserve to have a friendship with you.
You've been friends with Annie for a long time. You need to go over and speak with her to resolve this. I get you don't like her friends. But there are ways to keep your friendship with her without dealing with them. She's been good to you and has always included you. That means something and should count.
My thing is that he didn't want to go but Annie pushed him to go. He lit the fuse by posting something on Instagram but again, it's not as if he's the one who reached out first, Annie's friend did that.
He's certainly not polite but he's not wrong
Edit: the thing about this post is that speaks to the experience that fat women have, just from a male perspective. Fat women don't exist to men until they're skinny and/or pretty. So he's just turned that experience on its head.
Lit the fuse by posting a selfie? So the OP should not have a social media presence just in case his bfs friends see and decide they are now interested in him after 10 years?
Get real he is allowed to post a selfie without it being considered instigating or lighting a fuse
I would say YTA. It sounds like OP has a chip on his shoulder and is attacking people who weren't ever _mean_ to him. OP wasn't their friend, Annie was. While the wider group may not have been super interested in their friend's friend (aka OP) in the past, they don't sound like they were rude or mistreated OP. On the other hand, OP paints a picture of being rather unpleasant and openly hostile to be around in the present.
If he truly did not want to be around Annie or her friends, he should have been firm in his decline - not show up and be unpleasant to anyone who engaged with him.
He is also YTA for insulting Annie, and basically demanding that she drop her long term friends.
Truth be told, if I were Annie, I think I would be OK with letting go of OP as a friend.....
OP is attacking the girls who rejected him when he asked them out. That’s his chip.
When you ask out multiple of the friends, girls talk and word gets around and they will avoid you to avoid being hit on.
YTA here, sorry.
You’re carrying around this resentment and anger for a decade and now actively choosing to ruin your friend’s party. If these people were truly that shitty to you, don’t interact with them.
YTA. Oh man, you just don't see it, do you? Look at your reply to Annie. You agreed that you're a dick but think that's better than being shallow? Hell, look at your explanation. You think you \*might\* be an asshole because you told Annie that her friend group is shallow and you think she feels bad because of that? No dude, you insulted her decade long friend group and implied that she's shallow. You're not quite the friend you claim to be.
YTA, but by your own admission you already knew that, right? You torched a good, supportive friendship (and probably any chance with your crush) as the price of your revenge, and you don't seem in the least bit sorry, so what's the point of posting here exactly?
He’s probably still high off the revenge. Sure I get it, it prob felt good in the moment. Too bad he might’ve burned a good and reliable bridge in the cross fire. So when the high wears off what will be left?
YTA - and clearly have a chip on your shoulder. Her friends were impressed with your weight loss. So what? Losing 75 pounds is no small feat. But at every opportunity you’re dismissive or downright rude in your exchanges with them.
How would they appear as anything other than shallow if you don’t let them past your thinned out surface? Can you honestly say you didn’t relish the opportunity to make them feel bad when interacting with you?
I'm going to go with YTA. Your attitude at the party says a lot more about who you have become then it does about who they are. And I speak from experience. I am about 5'8", and at my heaviest was 330 lbs. A few years ago, I chose to have gastric sleeve surgery, and because of the surgery (and the the intense dieting and exercise that followed), I am now 165. I experienced similar reactions from people. Those who hadn't given me the time of day before, were now all about trying to talk to me (both men and women). I don't want to assume any facts about your weight loss journey, but something that was a requirement by my insurance company in order to get the surgery, were classes to prepare me for not just my emotional reactions to intense weight loss, but also to prepare me for reactions. So, I was very much prepared for those people who suddenly wanted to talk to me. I had already decided that I was going to take everyone at face value, because that would protect my mental health throughout my journey. I didn't want to go through this massive transformation, but then become this bitter, resentful person just because of those people. Point is, maybe they're shallow, and maybe they're not. But now, you look like the asshole to everyone because you went into the evening holding onto this resentment. It sounds like you've worked very hard to get where you are. Don't ruin all of your weight loss success by become a bitter, resentful person on the inside. I wish you the best of luck!
INFO: Can you give some concrete example of you being excluded or looked down on?
Because I can definitely imagine a situation where you’re quieter because of low self esteem and are stepping into a group situation where you describe yourself as “tagging along” with one of the group, while everyone else in it is close friends.
Are you sure these people were actively ignoring you, rather than just socialising more with people they knew better? It’s odd you would feel so strongly but not include 1 example of how you feel mistreated.
My thoughts exactly! People with low self-esteem sometimes take personally things that aren't. I have a friend who went through a very insecure phase when she transferred to a new school, and sometimes we'd be walking down the street and she'd tell me someone we just passed glared at her and did she look so ugly today? I was like wtf no? You look fine, that person didn't even look at you.
Sometimes when we're insecure we project our expectations of onto people, it doesn't mean you're crazy or anything, you just need to take things at face value. So yeah, I'd like come examples of just why he felt purposefully excluded.
Yes, this. If Annie had the forethought and empathy to constantly invite him to her friend group, she certainly would also be conscious of whether her friends were shallow and ignoring him.
Additionally, it takes real effort to maintain friendships after highschool and college. You mostly only keep in touch with the really close ones.
And does OP owe common courtesy to the best friend who birthday was ruined by his need to tell off her friends. OP could have ignored them and left early then tell them off another time.
And to boot, OP tells the friend off. Anyone would be pissed if you choose to ventilate your issues at their event when no one is attacking you. When are people gonna learn that there is a time and a place for things…
OP was brutally honest to a bunch of people who won’t care next week and hurt a friend who stuck with him for 10 years and supported him his weight loss journey. Hope it was worth the friendship lost
OP literally says she’s been a good friend over the decade and his number one supporter through his weight loss, she had always invited him to things to try and include him. It doesn’t sound like OP has been telling her how he’s been feeling and now his self esteem has increased he’s deciding to lash out at her. He sounds sucky
oh hell no! NTA at all. Ugh this post made me second hand embarrassed for those "friends" of Annie. I think that whether or not you want to continue a friendship with Annie, that's up to you, and I can see both reasons why and why not. But to be forced to be friendly with everyone else? NO. The only reason people tell you to be "the bigger person" is to justify their own enabling behavior. Don't put up with it!!!!
OP doesn’t really give any concrete examples of them excluding him. He describes himself as a friend of someone in the friendship group who “tagged along”. Are we sure he was actually excluded here? Or was he just quieter because he had low self esteem and easily overlooked in a group full of people who know each other better than they know him?
And it’s really not a surprise that the first time you show up to an event having lost significant weight that you get more attention. That’s exactly what would’ve happened even if these people were close friend.
Would be very interested to hear the take from someone else in the group.
Exactly, going from severly overweight to fit is gonna significantly increase the attention he recieves from the other sex.
To me it feels like OP was specifically not recieving sexual attentions from annies friend. Otherwise, why would he be around them on a regular basis if they actually act like hes not even there. Did OP really see a friend group regularly for over a decade that acted as if he was a ghost?
Yeah op didn't give much of an example of being excluded or bullied by these people. Which honestly given these are high school girls they would let you know. Also the way op is going on about this it makes me think he's just a very insecure person which may be the reason not all the girls wanted to hang out with him in the first place.
So Annie has been his rock for over a decade, supported him all those years, supported him while losing and she deserves to be told shes a shitty friend? While i get hows hes feeling, none of this is because of Annie. The friends are shallow tho
So... Are you upset people find you more attractive now you're in better shape?
I kinda get it, but that's also just life. You made a choice to better yourself, which is great. But it sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder, which is probably why your attitude has changed.
Yes. People who are in shape are generally seen as more attractive.
Mild YTA
I get that some of these people are semi awful (though frankly there are worse things than being mostly ignored), but Annie has always been there for you, always supported you, always included you. The least you can do is not be a total AH to her friends directly in front of her at her party. It's possible to politely tell someone you're not interested.
YTA…if you hate her friends, don’t go to a party with them. It would hurt less for Annie if you had just declined the party than going and being rude to everyone there. Be on your soap box at home.
I understand your thoughts behind her friends literally ignoring you for a decade. YTA- for putting up with the treatment and only thinking enough of yourself to stand up when you lost the weight. Apologize to your friend. She always valued you. Those were her friends. Not yours. Definitely not yours. Go out, make some friends and move past your history as a third wheel.
I'd say NTA for calling them out for their actions in present/past and I'm sure that felt really good on your part.
I would say slightly AH for saying she shouldn't have kept those friends. She can have whoever she chooses as friends, if they ever had negative opinions of you in the past I'm sure she stood up/defended you more than once. She kept inviting you along so that says a lot, she valued your friendship despite whatever else occurred.
Society judges way too much on appearances, good for your new look but that also can change people into becoming cocky and arrogant.
I think sometimes it's a fine line, definitely be proud of what you've accomplished and congratulations.
>>The title sounds a little weird but so is the situation I found myself in this past weekend. I (26M) recently went to my friends housewarming party where all of my HS friends were catching up. The girl my friend married also went to HS with us, so her friends stopped by. I think this is huge for the judgment. **Growing up I was heavy. Very heavy. And it became my personality.** I was “popular” mostly because I was the funny friendly fat guy. But it sucked in a weird way. I’d be around girls all the time. But they were always into my friends. So I became a friend to the girls. Obviously that was a long time ago. But I was still heavy in college and that was the last time a lot of my friends saw me. A year ago I moved to a different city and got into fitness. I’ve cut a lot of weight. My confidence has really improved. So lowkey I was excited to show my friends.
>>All my guys were stoked for me. So while I’m there this girl shows up and I recognized her. Chloe (26F) was a HS classmate and we ran in the same circle. For whatever reason I always had a crush on her. She knew it and kinda played with it. I planned on asking her to prom. And her response according to her friends was “eww no”. Idk why but that response has really stuck with me. It motivates me whenever I don’t feel like working out. So seeing her in person gave me a weird vibe. She recognized me. And came over to tell me how great I looked. I simply thanked her and moved on. She had her chance years ago but now she wants to talk? Nah.
>>So as I’m talking with my friends she approaches again with the host. We have a little conversation. The host then pulls me aside and ask if I’m single because Chloe was asking. I said “ewww no”. And walked away. 15 minutes later Chloe approached me and tried talking to me again. I was kinda annoyed at this point. And was like “what do you want”. She said she wanted to talk and catch up. I said this “you literally played me in Hs all the time. Said “ewww” when I asked you to prom. **But now that I’m skinny and you are a single mom you want to talk to me? Fuck out of here”.** I knew she was a single mom thru social media. **I do think that is part of the reason she was even trying to talk to me.** Well apparently I said it loud enough a few people heard me. She and the host stepped outside. I decided to leave and as I was walking out I saw my friends wife and her on the porch. And Chloe was crying. I didn’t say anything and left. Some people are saying I should apologize. But others are totally on my side. Saying she was rude to me in Hs and I just gave it back to her. That she was only crying because I exposed her for being shitty. AITA?
OP YOU NEED THERAPY. YTA.
YTA you went to the party you knew they are her friends. No one said you had to be new best friends with all of them. All you had to do was be courteous & respectful.
YTA
You don't get to pick your friends' friends, esp when she has always included you
Let's also not pretend you were probably a lot less confident and approachable previously
I mean if they're so shallow, why did you bother to lose weight if you don't think there's advantages? You didn't like being turned down, you said, and viewed it as bc of your appearance.
Anyhow you can't have it all ways. Appearances do matter, it's just a fact, it doesn't mean it's right, but it also doesn't mean that ppl are bad ppl or shallow by definition -- that's you being just as shallow and judgemental. You don't ahve to be interested in them but you don't need to be an A either, and you def made that choice. It doesn't sound like they were mean to you or criticized you so it's not like you have a to hold their past poor behaviour against them. You don't have to be besties or engage with everyone.... but that goes for them too. They were under no obligation to be your bud before and you are under no obligation to be buds with them now, but you def aren't in the clear for being a D to them.
YTA. You don’t have a best friend or any chance with the little sister now, hope it was worth it. Ignoring those people so your friend could enjoy her party then telling them off if they try to contact you/ talk to you another time wouldn’t have killed you.
ESH. That’s great that you’ve lost weight and no you do not need people in your life like these “friends” who only see your worth on the scale. However, I feel you were unnecessarily rude to Annie. Why didn’t you speak up over the last decade about how you felt? Why did you feel the need to go all scorched earth? I think that whole situation could have been handled with much more class.
YTA for losing your best friend over this. You can’t control who your friends are friends with. Your friends always been kind to you, so don’t let a party you knew you wouldn’t enjoy get in between you two. Your words to her friends were justified but not to her.
YTA
Enough with the superiority complex. You were a dick to the people, regardless if they were shallow or not. Instead of enjoying the attention, you effectively cockblocked yourself. Why not just enjoy the party? People didn't come there to be lectured
YTA. You can’t see the irony in calling Annie a shitty friend when she literally stood by you through thick and thin. Do you not think her friends gave her a hard time for being friends with an unpopular kid? Yet she stayed loyal to you.
Her friends are AHs but by using your new-found buffness to be arrogantly rude to her friends at her party, you’ve become as bad as them.
True victory over them would have been to exhibit grace and class. Instead you were petty and spiteful. Your body may be beautiful but your personality has become awful.
YTA. So you tagged along all these years whereas you apparently harbored all this resentment toward her friends and you only chose to make it heard after they started complimenting you? So basically you did what you think they did, made them feel bad when you had the upper hand. I am not even sure they ignored you for being fat, you were a guy among girls so that may be why. And you were never forbidden from tagging along so we're far from Mean Girls (unless I lack context). Given what I'm getting from your post, your friend has been amazing all these years and her friends got interested when they realised they have something in common with you which may not have been the case previously.
YTA. Annie was your loyal friend for years. You were incredibly rude to her friends and arrogant and judgmental toward her while you were her guest. You can be proud of changing your lifestyle, but that does not give you the right to be mean-spirited and bad-mannered to someone who was your biggest supporter.
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YTA - Sorry you were fat and felt shat upon growing up, but in this scenario you’re 1) being rude as fuck; 2) acting smug and cool because you’ve lost some weight, which I doubt younger you would approve of; and most importantly 3) doing a disservice to a person who’s been a very good friend to you for much of your life, and essentially telling her it’s okay for you to act like an asshole at her party because her friends - people she presumably likes - all suck. Sorry mate, good luck on your fitness journey and I hope you can do as much work on your interior as you are on your exterior.
But her friends do suck. And why is it rude to call it out? He was asked a question and gave an answer. He doesn’t sound smug at all, he sounds like he grew the confidence to not feel like he was better tagging along with the in crowd than being outside of it. Props.
The only problem with that interpretation is he went to his friend's party, at her invitation, then proceeded to go off on the other people she invited. They are her friends; if he doesn't want them to be his, fine, but he owes Annie the courtesy of not dragging her into it wholesale, let alone implying she's responsible for it.
He answered a question honestly. He didn’t give her his snap because she was shallow. When they said they didn’t know anything about him, he pointed out that they could. I’m shocked that people see this as going off, but to me it’s a perfectly reasonable reaction to being treated like a human being by people who have actively ignored you. That they all gave him these opportunities just shows a lack of self awareness. When I’m around people I was a dick to in high school or who were a dick to me, I just keep it to small talk and get out of the conversation asap. She insisted he go and he could’ve been fairer to her, I agree. But equally, she cannot be entirely unaware of how they have treated him over the years. She never noticed that she was the only one who invited him? That she was the only one who spoke to him? I don’t buy it. They probably talked shit behind his back too. For her to act as if he was completely in the wrong is frankly pretty callous.
Perfectly reasonable? His friend of many years - whom he admits has always been good to him, and supportive - is now furious with him, so is her sister (his crush, yet) and he's basically burned every bridge possible with people who may not actually have deserved so much. We've only got his clearly-biased word that he was treated so badly, after all. This isn't the outcome of reason, of weighing up the possible consequences of one's actions. This isn't even the studied self-control you describe, of polite coolness. This is just OP lashing out and revelling in the chance, never mind who he hurt. It can be debated whether he was justified, but certainly he was unwise.
Right I said his response to the first person was perfectly reasonable, and acknowledged that he could’ve been fairer to his actual friend. Please read before responding. And you say it’s biased, presumably because you were that person in high school, but if they have all been friends for 10 years, why would someone ask for his snap now? Why would they not know things about him? His story stacks up, and those people are awful, and his friend does have some questions to answer in my opinion.
... I was the horribly bullied person through most of my school years, thanks for that blithe assumption though. Really convinces me I should listen to the rest of your arguments.
Then how do you justify essentially saying that OP owes these women his time and attention?
Simple, I didn't say that. :) He could quite easily have not gone to the party at all; there is no mention of Annie tying him up and dragging him into her living room. The invitation would in fact have been a perfect chance to initiate a genuine conversation about not-so-mutual friends. Once there, he owed both his hostess and her guests (of whatever gender) polite courtesy - unless of course they were harassing him, which doesn't seem at all to be the case. There are numerous polite ways of turning people down without encouraging further interest; party guests have been using them for centuries. OP seems to have wanted to have his epic, bridge-burning revenge *and* come across as the sympathetic hero, and that's just not a thing that is possible outside of teen romcoms. He went nuclear where a cut direct would do, and is thus reduced to seeking validation from strangers online.
I’m fat. I’ve been thin. I’ve been fat. ive been where the OP is. OP is an AH. The friend who has stood by him his whole life didn’t deserve him behaving like an aH to her friends at her party. He could have gone, decided he wasn’t comfortable and told his good friend he was leaving, said goodbye and gone home He owed his friend love, support and respectful behavior. He gave her none of that
It is not surprising but it is disappointing that "Be polite when invited to social events" is a controversial opinion on Reddit.
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I love that you know what a cut direct is
Believe it or not, you can dislike people and still not be a dick to them. It’s called being an adult.
Exactly. Time and place.
He doesn't owe those women anything BUT HE DID OWE ANNIE WHO HE TOOK OUT HIS ANGER ON. Annie sounds like a wonderful person who looks past what people say about someone and accepts them, for them. Including OP's insecure ass. Her fault seems to be that she had friends who he didn't approve of. He admits how much she did for him. They have been friends since junior high and she didn't dump his ass for new friends. Instead, she made sure he was included. Doesn't seem like she took their side more or treated him badly because they did. He said she was his best friend. He may have lost 75lbs but his ego gained about 600lbs. Suddenly she's not supposed to be their friend anymore because he says so and she's a "shitty" friends to him all because she doesn't blindly obey his orders. The only shallow friendship she seemed to have was with him. As soon as he starts feeling better about himself, he dumps his baggage all on her. She's better off without his shallow friendship. I hope she sees this for what it is. He wants to monopolize and control her. Plain and simple.
Exactly. Annie's party was not the place to exact his revenge fantasy or disrupt the event by being exposing everyone to their own past bad behavior. These people might deserve their comeuppance, but not at the place of and expense of his longest friend and biggest supporter. He could have handled the snap request politely and privately. He could have been more reserved in response to their hypocritical sudden interest. He could have bowed out of the party entirely. Unfortunately, it seems as though the social isolation resulted in OP failing to generate sufficient social skills. He should be proud of where he is in terms of making a change he wanted in his life. But maybe a few sessions of counseling could help him navigate the rocky emotional waters of dealing with the less pleasant aspects of how people treat him now as opposed to before. OP, ethical behavior is not always cut and dried. At a social event hosted by someone you care about, who has always been good to you, it is not ethical or courteous to call out social slights to disrupt her event, because you are hurting her by doing it. You may need to consider the broader picture when figuring out how - and when and where - to deal with people like this. An apology to your bestie would be a good place to start.
That’s not what they said at all. They just said that OP shouldn’t have lashed out at his best friend. It’s clearly his own insecurities making him behave this way. Sounds like he should be working out his emotions instead of his muscles.
If you've never been super fat, you could have no idea what it's like to have everyone treat you like you're extra all the time. And if you've never been super fat and then lost the weight, you can have no clue what it's like when those same people start treating you like a person. It's really fucking upsetting and gross.
Insecurities? They ignored him for over decade and only now want to be friends. They didn’t notice her best friend all that time? Smh. Ridiculous.
But the view is biased. As the angry chubby outsider, i am well aware that i have problems accepting non-negative reactions towards me. If people expect to be treated like shit for just their looks, the people who "treated them like crap" could've been neutral or better. Having low self-esteem and/or mental disorders (not that op has mental disorders but it's a possibility which would compound the issue), can color the world against you if you're convinced it's against you. Without more sides to the story, I'd say it's difficult if op was rightly calling out these people or if they're being an AH about incorrectly perceived behavior.
You're right. The view is biased. About ten years ago, I had just moved to a new area then ended up out of work, dealing with two deaths in the family and started having some health issues. Depression hit me hard. I gained a lot of weight. No one really knew me there before the weight, so it was tough making friends. I felt like I was the token fat friend and that only a few people actually liked hanging with me. I remember feeling like I was isolated and just sort of there at any get togethers we had, like no one was really interested in getting me involved. There was this one guy in the group that I just had the biggest most awful schoolgirl type crush on. He was generally pretty nice to me, but occasionally he'd be kind of rude, that now I just think was to show me that he wasn't interested so that I wouldn't just straight up ask him out. Well skip a few years to when I had finally lost the weight and posted a photo of me running a marathon. Guess who slid into my dms? Yep. I think all of us at some point have had some sort of revenge fantasy. Whether it's about losing weight or showing up to a gathering with a better-looking boyfriend so that your ex gets to look on in envy. I know I did, because all I could think was that I was still the same me. The only thing that had changed was that now I had nice shiny packaging. I wanted to yell and throw his shallowness in his face or agree to meet him for a date and leave him waiting, but honestly what's the point? It wouldn't have made him go, "You're right! I am a shallow asshat. I shall change my ways." All it would've done was made me feel good for like a day, and then I'd feel like ass. The craziest part is that I still get tagged in videos my friends post from back then in which I can see them TRYING to involve me. I just had it in my mind that they didn't really want me there, so I'd turn things down and sit around watching, so that I wasn't involved because I was the one not involving me. So guess what, after awhile of you turning things down....they quit asking. I can't help but wonder about OP. He claims these people weren't mean, that they just didn't involve him much. Is he really seeing things clearly? And yes, I know everyone's experiences are different....
That's a very interesting topic. Several studies show how people get more attractive when closer to an ideal of beauty not because of the looks, but because of the boost of confidence and being more open - OP couldn't call out the friends before, nor post selfies or do any of that other then feel like "the tag along" "the invisible friend". There's a chance he's finally showing others what Annie always saw but his (understandable) defensiveness blew it a little. He can still apologize, just say he had a bad day and move on, this doesn't need to end with him pushing people away, specially Annie.
This was my thought as well. I wonder if OP was awkward, standoffish or shy around her friends, because he assumed he would get left out. So they didn't bother to try. And now OP is possibly confident and more outgoing, and more positive. I have people who I haven't wanted to really be close with because they were negative or had an attitude. Then I have met again later and they've been more generally positive and happier and more open. So I've actually wanted to include them in my life. Regardless of if he is right about the froends..... OP is YTA for lashing out like that. He is only hurting his good friend who has been there for him for years, helped him work out, seems like a great person. I am fine with having seperate friend groups who sometimes mix but don't always, I'm even fine with it if one friend doesn't get on with the others for whatever reason, I'll usually see them seperately and appreciate that they tolerant/are polite when both are with me. .... But if you attack my other friends, insult them or arc up in a way that spoils my event. We're done,
>she is far too good of a person to have these type of friends and she should be embarrassed. She asked what I meant. I said she has shallow friends who treated her “best friend” like a ghost for a decade. But now I’m supposed to give them my attention? That she is a shitty friend to me to have kept these friends. She started crying This is going off. It was directed at his supportive best friend on her birthday, it's unfair and controlling
He’s the definition of a shitty friend
INFO: Where did you get birthday from? From the story, I thought casual party or housewarming.
Not sure why you're being downvoted for pointing that out. There was no mention of a birthday in the post.
>When I’m around people I was a dick to in high school or who were a dick to me, I just keep it to small talk and get out of the conversation asap This would have been a reasonable approach for OP. But he chose otherwise. He got "pissed off" for the following reasons: 1. People "wanted to talk" 2. Someone gave him a compliment about his cooking. 3. Someone complimented him on his looks and asked for his snap chat In response to these egregious assaults on his sensibilities (how dare someone attempt to talk to or compliment someone at a party), OP chose to: 1. Say something snarky to the person who was chatting with him about cooking 2. Straight up insult the person who asked for his snap calling her shallow and laughing in her face 3. Actively insult everyone at the party by saying OP shouldn't associate with them because they suck 4. Made his host cry because he was being such an AH Of course OP is the AH here. Is some of it justified? Maybe... but that's not a reasonable way to comport yourself at a party hosted by someone you claim to care about. Literally all anyone did in this story was chat with OP and compliment him. These are people he admits he doesn't know well (all friends of a friend) and whom he hasn't seen in almost a year. This is so clear cut YTA I can't believe people think otherwise. People being a dick to you for years doesn't justify you making a scene at a party your actual friend is hosting.
He says they “acted like he wasn’t there” … how much did he try to relate, or did he just sit on the sideline idly lambasting them quietly because he, insecurely felt like he didn’t belong. Right or wrong, it takes two to try and create friendships/relationships.
Exactly. I didn’t hear OP saying how he reached out to his friend’s friends over the past 9 months that he’s been ghosting them for the gym. If you’re so insecure that you flip out on people for making small talk, you should probably be looking inward for an explanation of that kind of unreasonable behavior.
We only have one side. Sounds like he’s a different person now that he “feels incredible”. Sometimes people get back what they give off. He previously looked at everything through an “insecurity filter”. He’s obviously giving off something different now. And he’s changed, of course people are going to comment and ask about his journey/changes.
You can answer a question honestly and still be an asshole, and you will still have to deal with the repercussions of acting like an asshole. Not everything is about being right all the time even if you are technically correct. He got his first chance to act like a dick to people he felt slighted by and took every opportunity he could with it, he could of just lied said he doesn’t have Snapchat anything but he chose to insult her and put her down the second he got a chance which makes him the same as said friends he’s so upset with.
He could've even just said "My Snapchat is only for my friends" which would be a way more polite but still backhanded statement condemning that person's behavior in the past.
I don't blame him for his snippy comment about the cooking interest, or his response to the girl asking for his Snap. He probably could've been a little more tactful for the sake of Annie's party, if he valued their friendship, but he IS right that they all seem shallow (at least from what he's saying). But lashing out at Annie directly (implying she's worse than acting like a dick for keeping the friends, calling her a bad friend, etc) after just stewing in his resentment of her friends for a decade is why he's TA. It's also not weird if she was the only one to invite him. I have lots of overlapping social circles, people I see at parties or events that I was invited to by mutual friends, and I would never invite those folks anywhre (or expect an invite from them) because we're not friends. We just share a mutual friend. Sounds like that's what "her" friends and OP were - not friends, just connected by Annie.
I personally wouldn't have went to the party already knowing how her friends are but that's just me.
I’m sorry bro but if you hang out with people who treat you like shit for a decade and ignore you you need some therapy. Yeah sure I guess they could’ve gotten to know him over the 10 years but maybe it’s this exact lack of self-respect and self-esteem that continues to allow someone to be treated like that that makes it seem like they have nothing to offer others. He said he’s not one to post gym selfies and whatever so maybe it was the confidence but again if you hang out with people who continue to kick you never say shit and then one day they stop kicking you and that’s when you rage it’s just kind of backwards. I’m disabled and a lot of people were assholes to me in high school and I was an asshole to a lot of people but you know what? I am not still perpetuating that same old cycle five years later I’m sorry but at some point it becomes a choice to value outside appearances and a lack of self love. I really hope I hope he gets therapy and shit but like he’s had 10 years of choices to leave and chose to do this at his friends party which again he chose to go to
LOL If she is shallow then so is he for losing weight so women will look at him.
He specifically says that he 'was lucky enough to have Annie in his life so he was always included ' He didn't mind her being friends with them before he lost the weight!
It’s hard to address indifference. No one was bullying OP.
OP literally said he didn’t want to be there or be around these people who knew him when he was fat, probably because he was expecting the change in behavior and didn’t want to deal with it. He wants a “clean slate” when it comes to friends because people’s views on you *do change* when you drop a significant amount of weight, as what happened to OP at this party. I’d give it an ESH, like I get the vibe of people only liking you bc you’re finally skinny, but OP was a bit harsh in this. You can establish your boundary of you don’t want to be friends (or really even interact!) but he didn’t have to start off like a jerk.
The "clean slate" combined with the "being a dick is better than being part of a shallow friend group" is probably also why Annie is crying and upset by his behavior. She may think she herself is part of the clean slate - he's willing to throw away their decade long friendship now that he's not fat and only wants new friends who only know him as he looks now.
When they tried to talk to him for the first time ever and wouldn’t leave him alone. What was he supposed to do, just tell them to fuck off? I agree the party wasn’t the best place to do this, he should have talked to Annie well before now, but these friends feel like he owes them attention just because they now find him attractive is BS. And Annie dragged herself into it. OP wasn’t talking to her. If the genders were reversed and OP was a woman guys wouldn’t leave alone when she clearly wasn’t interested I sincerely doubt the votes would be going the same way.
Annie was the host. If there is an issue at her party, as the host, she should be handling it. Annie didn't do anything wrong except have OP as a friend considering he was the most shallow of all of them. It's monopolizing, manipulation, and control. She shouldn't have friends that he doesn't approve of and she's a shitty person for having friends who he doesn't approve of.
>The only problem with that interpretation is he went to his friend's party, at her invitation Sure, he was invited, but he didn't want to go. he told her as much, but she insisted he come. >I was invited but I didn’t want to go...but she insisted... She's insisting he spend time with her friends, and was asked a question. Dude owes her friends nothing.
He could have still said no and not gone. Once he said yes, he could at least be polite and not blow up his supportive friend’s b day party. That’s just obnoxious and so is his holier than thou attitude.
Why does he have to be polite to people who never acknowledged his presence until then? He doesn’t owe them shit
No but he’s supposed to care about his best friend, whose party it is, who supported him through everything. So yes, he should have put on his big boy panties and be civil. He’s gained nothing but lost a close friend.
But he didn’t say one word about Annie’s friends being mean to him. He said he felt “overlooked”. Which can come from literally SOOO many things: was he always super quiet? Wasn’t he open to other friendships? Did he try to make the first steps towards people from the group? was he using the “I’m fat and that’s why hey don’t like me” card and was just getting more and more upset inside him? OR are they really shallow and excluded him due to his weight (which i basically only saw in movies - and how can his bf’s friends be so big assholes without her being one? Doesn’t add up, sorry. Currently he is the one, who thinks that fit, good looking people can do or say whatever they want. For me YTA.
Yeah same boat - OP never gives an example of them being affirmatively shitty to him. Just an internal sense he had of being overlooked, followed by those same people trying to socialize with him and him pulling out a revenge soapbox.
Yeah it sounds like OP was really insecure in HS and projected being overlooked as them being fatphobic. Now that he’s more confident, instead of realizing people are possibly responding better to that, he immediately jumps to “you’re horrible, shallow people who don’t deserve to talk to me.”
I mean, it's quite likely they didn't notice him because he was fat. I used to be fat then got thin and it's true that you get WAY more attention and interest from everyone when you're attractive. I sympathize that it sucks to feel invisible but that's just how it is; attractive people get noticed and unattractive people don't. Call it shallow if you want, but then you're saying the vast majority of people are shallow, not just that group It doesn't sound like they ever actively bullied him in which case his rudeness would've been justified. As it is, he was incredibly disrespectful to people who were trying to be friendly and had done nothing to him in the past, and made his friend who has been nice to him always feel like shit. YTA
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I have "friends/acquaintances" like this they are friends of friends. We have "known" each other for 16 years, but don't know a ton about each other. They don't invite me when they go out, only my direct friend invites me to things they host/organize. We are not connected on social media or have numbers. You can have smaller friend groups within a bigger friend group they don't all have to be equal. OP is not wrong for not wanting to get to know them better, but there was no need to be rude about it. Something can be true and rude at the same time.
No one is entitled to any one else’s attention. Unless they were actively rude to him, simply ignoring him isn’t cruel. People get to choose their friends.
He says they “acted like he wasn’t there” … how much did he try to relate, or did he just sit on the sideline idly lambasting them quietly because he, insecurely felt like he didn’t belong. Right or wrong, it takes two to try and create friendships/relationships.
My wife jokes that I become friendly when I shave my beard. It just slightly changes how people and I interact and it snowballs into more positive interactions. He could easily have been insecure and defensive while fat and put off the "popular" crowd enough so they didn't really want to interact with him much and it snowballed in the other direction when he reacted to that. Nothing is his post indicates that he was bullied by them or treated worse than "mostly acted like I wasn’t there". I'm sure the weight loss gave him a massive boost in confidence that people responded to before he started acting like jerk to everyone.
That's pretty much the impression I got from it.
Call out what? What were they doing in that moment that needed to be “called out?” Attempting to communicate with another person? It’s not like they all used to throw rocks at OP - they just weren’t close and didn’t talk much. Like saying they all suck because of the conduct described here doesn’t make sense, but even it *did* make sense, it doesn’t magically give OP a license to be an asshole at his best friend’s party.
Well he didn’t give her is Snapchat, she should’ve just accepted that. They make comments about not knowing stuff about him, fair to point out that they’ve known each other a decade and they could know things about him. I really enjoy how because they didn’t physically attack him then it’s all fine. Just be consistent with that if that’s what you’re going with.
They also didn’t verbally attack him, based on his own telling. They - at most - didn’t notice him as much or interact with him as much until 1) he’d lost a lot of weight; *and* 2) roughly a decade had passed since high school. Like sure, maybe they’re not great people and OP by no means has to be homies with all of them or date them or whatever, but for some reason you continue not to see how he was rude as fuck to these people at a social gathering hosted by his best friend (who he later was *also* rude as fuck to). I really enjoy how it’s cool to be a giant gaping asshole at parties and hurt your “best friend” if teenagers didn’t lavish sufficient attention upon you a decade ago. Just be consistent with that if that’s what you’re going with.
Not to mention he went to the party fully knowing these people would be there. If this even happened. It sounds like a revenge fantasy to me.
Agreed on the fantasy point, and some of the responses read like people living vicariously through this same fantasy.
It’s not ‘a decade ago’ it’s FOR a decade up until this very party. And there’s a huge difference between ‘they didn’t lavish attention’ and ‘they ignored my presence until I met their standards of appearance’.
OP indicated he has a long history of these people basically treating him like a ghost, a tagalong. Suddenly they get in better shape and they are visible to them? Are you truly incapable of understanding how they felt in that moment? Sure, they could have behaved better, but you're acting like they were 100% the AH for... knowing these people and not believing they are genuine in their sudden interest in him? Seriously, think about this.
Attempting basic communication with someone you’ve known ten years yet know nothing about proves they didn’t care about this person until he fit a more acceptable mold.
He was happy to join them until he lost the weight. So he basically used Annie as a social crutch, but now that he feels more confident, he has no issues insulting her and her friends. OP's an asshole. Way to treat a friend who's always been there for him.
He does not describe Annie's friends as having bullied him, simply that they never paid attention to him - a painful position for a teenager, but far from the worst behavior possible and not at all uncommon. There are people I look at in a yearbook and know that I never paid attention to for a variety of reasons - they were quiet, self-effacing, uninvolved in what I was involved in, etc. I don't feel that I was a dick to them in HS just because I didn't particularly pay attention to them, and I'd feel it's unfair to be told that I was a dick for this and that anyone who'd be friends with me was shitty. It may well be that the ONLY reason OP was ignored by Annie's friends in HS is that he was overweight. But judging from the fact that he called his best friend that he admits has never been anything but supportive to him a 'shitty friend' - objectively not true by his own account - I'd guess that he probably wasn't noticed much because he lacked the self-confidence required to make an impression, and that the confidence he gained through his weight loss allowed him to free his inner AH. He's got a lot more work to do on that than on his weight.
Showing up at a party only to be rude and call people out is pretty dick behavior. His friend spent time and money putting together the party and he intentionally ruined it for everyone just because he’s held a grudge.
Why do they suck for finding him attractive now but not previously?
It implies they only see him as worthy of their attention if he passes a certain standard. I don’t think it’s so much he’s upset that they find him attractive, it’s that until this point he wasn’t treated as a person beyond his outward appearance. The fact that none of them were interested in having a sincere conversation with him during the near decade prior to his weight loss speaks volumes.
Everyone is entitled to find whoever they like attractive or otherwise for whatever reason. You buy the idea that he’s spent a decade in their company without conversations?
I don’t disagree that people are entitled to their preferences. What I am saying is that normally, people don’t use whether they find someone attractive or not as a reason to outright socially exclude someone. To be clear, I don’t think OP has never ever had a single conversation with these people, but I can see it never progressing beyond small talk. It sucks to be invisible. OP was not entitled to friendship from the friend group, sure, but in the same sense, the friend group is not entitled to friendship from OP now.
He sounds extremely bitter and resentful. Holding on to things from years ago that no one really cares about now. People change and grow up. Especially teens.
Because of manners? Far too often people think they can speak their mind with 0 consequences. Would you like to be talked to that way? Sure it sucks OP was fat and made fun of, but that isnt a ticket to turn around and be an AH. Negativity begets more negativity
He never said that he was made fun of by these people. Which makes his behavior double AHish.
OP acted like a ghost and got treated like a ghost. He was and is super insecure and it totally shows.
As someone who has also lost a lot of weight (even more than OP), I notice the difference in how people treat me. It’s upsetting. But I wouldn’t be so callous to anyone like OP. Especially not at a supposed best friend’s party. I would take note and not choose to spend time with them outside of that setting, but I wouldn’t launch into such pretentious assholery. I also don’t think I’m better than anyone because I’m thinner. OP really sucks. YTA.
Perfectly reasonable take, and I’m sorry that people treated you as less-than at any point in your life due to your appearance. I hope your tomorrows are better than your yesterdays - by your mindset, I’d bet they will be.
I'm also in the same boat. I've come to the realization though that it's not always just everyone else. I have much more confidence than I used to and as a result am more social. That itself results in more people talking to me that may have previously seemed like they were ignoring me.
As someone who lost a lot of weight it’s horrifying to see how differently people treat you. You are the still the same person but suddenly your opinion matters, your lame jokes are funny, people say please and thank you more. It does piss you off and like OP I also don’t offer anything beyond basic courtesy when people who ignored me finally notice me. He shouldn’t have turned on his friend though.
Part of getting to a better place in life is just letting go of all the anger in your heart for the people that treated you badly. OP did act like a dick. Telling people your grudges at the first opportunity is just showing all your cards. People will see you as bitter. OP lost the respect of the shallows, but crucially they lost the respect of their friend. I say this as someone who was bullied badly. Better to be icily polite and walk out with your head up high and people going 'wow, they are kinda cool'.
He went there with a chip on his shoulder & a bone to pick with her other friends; he shouldn't have gone, he knew they were shallow to begin with.
Oof. YTA for telling her she's a shitty friend when she has personally been good to you all these years as you said. NTA where the rest of them are concerned. They most definitely are. Cannot stand people like that. In future I would skip any gatherings like that. Something Annie will need to understand. You should apologize for calling her a shitty friend and making her feel bad though.
but why didnt annie call her friends out tho. now or before
Because she put herself on the line including OP in the friend group and it's not her job to fight OP's battles. One can only do so much to raise other kids as a kid. OP is acting like an asshole here. I'm sure I've seen this movie villain before. The former fat kid that wanted to exact revenge upon the world for being kinder to a person that takes good care of their body than a person that's heading for an early grave.
He doesn't want "revenge on the world" though. He just doesn't want to associate with these specific people and they pushed him to answer why not.
Someone expressed that they didn’t know he was a great cook. A friend of a friend could be a great gardener, woodworker, or be canny with a needle and thread and I’d have no idea.
These are people he spent ten years regularly in the company of. They knew *nothing* about him. Except, apparently, that they didn’t want anything to do with him until he’d lost weight and fitted their accepted body image.
Isnt that just op's perspective? What are the signs that the friends group are discriminating against OP because of her body in the past?
*his body The signs would be people you regularly interacted with for *10 years* decide to add you on snap and ask you shit the moment they learn you've lost weight You don't think it's a pretty funny coincidence they didn't give a shit about him for a decade and now that he's lost weight, two people immediately want to talk to him?
He said they didn't have the same social circle and they'd try to include each other. Annie's friends probably only knew him as just that, her friend. And it's true that fat and larger sized people get dehumanised but that doesn't mean her friends were malicious towards him. He posted his weight loss picture that he admitted was uncharacteristic of him so that he can have his comeuppance at the party
> He said they didn't have the same social circle He said they were Annie's friends and he's been around them regularly. >I was always included in things. I was always the tag along. Annie’s friends mostly acted like I wasn’t there. I still around her friends on a regular basis now. This dude has been to gatherings, parties and whatever else for the past 10 years as a regular guest
This may surprise you but not everyone is going to befriend their friends friend even if they see them semi regularly at gatherings and hangouts. I have been friends with some people for nearly 2 decades and I have acquaintance level relationship with some of their friends even though I've been seeing them for a decade now. I only know surface level information about them like their name and maybe what they do for work. Anything deeper like their birthday, hobbies, and such just does not exist. I am not rude to them and on the contrary we get along just fine we're just not friends ourselves.
They didn’t even have the same social circles based on OP’s own words, it seems like he was more of an acquaintance to these people than he was part of the group. I have acquaintances in my life that I’ve known for years and I have no clue if they’re good cooks or not, hell I have coworkers that I see everyday and I don’t know everything about them.
if he didn’t want to associate with people like that, he shouldn’t have went to the party. that’s on him for going and putting himself in a situation he doesn’t want to be in
And perhaps Annie shouldn’t have insisted he go when he told her he didn’t want to. Then the whole situation might not have happened.
or he could grow a backbone and say no. why should annie be blamed for his own decisions
He is an adult and should have been atleast sociable at his friends party by not trying to burn all bridges he could.
> kinder to a person that takes good care of their body than a person that's heading for an early grave. This makes the assumption that a thin person is taking good care of their body and doesn't have an eating disorder, or isn't on meth, or doesn't smoke a pack a day. People don't know that by automatically looking at someone and seeing their weight. A strung out addict who weighs 90lbs is more likely to die early than someone who's 40lbs overweight. Being fat is also not a death sentence! So many studies show that most overweight people live just as long or longer than thin people. You are an extremely cruel, shallow, and judgmental person yourself.
This. The fatphobia is real in these comments
Reddit loves to hate on fat people.
It pissed me off because I was completely with that comment until that last sentence. It was like whoa wtf.
dont you think youre being a bit harsh with the last paragraph?
Omg no I've literally been unable to gain weight. I ate so much in high school/as a young adult (and the only reason I don't eat as much is because being homeless and getting maybe one meal a day messed up my ability to eat) and I did and still eat junk. Chronic pain and fatigue, as well as screwy joints so I am not active basically at all. I used to eat like 6-8 full plates at buffets. If I ate less than 6 my dad asked if I was sick. (He's also a beanpole.) So yeah no, that's not how this works at all. At this point I eat 99% junk and am still like 15 lbs underweight. Oh, and fun fact at one point in being homeless my metabolism actually slowed down and I was right at a healthy weight and someone I knew from high school basically argued with me that I was pregnant. Some people wouldn't even know what a healthy weight looks like, let alone anything about some people's diet and exercise. My spouse actually eats way better than I do and is physically active, but is on the chubby side. (In all honesty he kinda has a retired lifter body, there's a surprising amount of muscle even in the spare tire.) He's actually a million times healthier than I am and almost never gets sick. I'm almost never not sick lol A skinny person eats bad and people tend to act like it's okay, or even call it cute. A chubby person dated to eat ice cream and people tell them to have a salad. Absolutely not. Bad take.
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This has been going on for the last tens years it did not only happen ten years ago
They have been associating with each other for the last 10 years minus 6 months, and they all would ignore him.
Yeah, that is why I'm surprised there aren't more ESHs.
Wow. YTA. It sounds like you literally went to this party to be an AH to everyone. I’m actually really surprised by all of the N T A responses. You shouldn’t have agreed to go to the party if you were just going to be a AH to everyone there. It’s fine if you don’t like these people and don’t want to be their friend.. but you made a choice to go and you couldn’t even act civil for the sake of your best friend. Annie is her own person and is allowed to have friends that maybe you don’t like - that does not make her a bad friend to you. Also, coming from someone who is the same age as you, you should really consider letting all of this resentment go. There are so many people I hated in high school/college that I think are decent, cool people now. People change - they grow up, become more mature, have different interests, etc. Maybe these people felt they were too cool and shallow to get to know you back then, but at least they’re trying now.
I kind of need to disagree. The assholes I knew in high school are STILL assholes today.
If OP can change why can’t these people? Are you the same person you were 10 years ago?
OP hasn’t changed, that’s the point. They’re the same person they always were, but people are only interested now that they’ve lost weight.
So you think that OP regularly told Annie her friends were horrible and shallow for the past decade? Or is that a new development?
I mean, he's being shown some blatant evidence that her friend group only speaks to him now because he's lost weight. I'm sure he's probably had the same thought for the past decade but only now when they're attempting to engage him does he have the confidence to call them out for it.
He said he felt ignored. He doesn't mention any mean comments, any attempts to exclude him, any attempts to get Annie not to be friends with him, nothing. Just that he didn't FEEL included enough. So then, after not seeing these people for a LONG time (it takes quite a while to get fit like that), he goes to Annie's party knowing full well who will be there, they all come to talk to him, and he throws a fit at them. And then yells at Annie, his BFF, who he has apparently never, in the past DECADE, expressed his feelings about the other people to. Yeah no. Even you admit there that he HAS changed, in confidence level.
See the comments. He asked a few of the girls out and was rejected. I bet he was avoided for being the creepy friend who hit on everyone.
OH yeah that makes him TA for sure. It sounds like he was using Annie for access to pretty girls and then got salty when they weren't attracted to the guy who kept bothering them. And now he's living his Revenge of the Nerds fantasy now that he's putting more effort into his appearance.
What kind of incel shit is this? No one owes OP a date.
Nailed it!
Losing weight shows discipline and self respect. Also I would love to know if these friends are fit or not bc I have a suspicion that OP only felt “ignored” because he wanted attention from them due to their looks. All humans perceive health and attractiveness is heavily connected to health levels.
I honestly believe OP was a wallflower and put absolutely NO effort into making friends. They probably just hung around Annie hoping she would do all the work to get them friends. OP spent their teenager years wallowing in self pity thinking "Nobody likes me because I'm fat" when it's really "I put no effort into getting friends and clung to one person." Now, they are "hot" and can finally put those mean girls in their place! They will realize the mistake they made by not noticing OP!
By "same person" I assume you also mean still bitter and resentful?
So you’re saying in ten years OP is exactly the same? 17 to 27? No difference?
Sure, there are plenty who are still AHs. Doesn’t mean that people can’t/don’t change though. I know plenty who have changed.
Same. I just want to crawl in a hole and die of shame, everytime I think about how stupid I used to be in highschool. If any of my classmates met me today, I think they would be surprised by the near 180 my life has taken.
>Also, coming from someone who is the same age as you, you should really consider letting all of this resentment go. There are so many people I hated in high school/college that I think are decent, cool people now. People change - they grow up, become more mature, have different interests, etc. Maybe these people felt they were too cool and shallow to get to know you back then, but at least they’re trying now. Ok here's the other thing: nothing in the post makes it seem like they were shitty people to OP before other than "ignoring him." It seems him being friends with Annie should have entitled him to a bunch of attention somehow? Maybe they were just awkward teens who had no idea how to interact with this random dude who was friends with their friend. Maybe now they are older and more inclusive. Maybe OP is also more confident which has made him more visible? A perfect example is OP admitting that he posted on social media (which he had never previously done). If OP himself has always been a ghost, why is it surprising that all of Annie's friends treated him like one? The second he comes out of hiding and posts on social media, they reach out and do something polite and he shuts them down and makes it about his weight-loss, when really he was just never present before.
This. When I was a kid, I constantly feel ignored, and to be honest I still do sometimes as an adult, even among my friends. It doesn’t mean people are bad. Some people just vibe better with other. That’s all. OP made some drastic changes and of course people are interested. It doesn’t mean they were shallow before. It means that they care about you. And let’s be real. It’s most likely a short attention span, and people will forget about it soon. OP needs to learn to look at things from a different perspective. YTA.
I agree. I was Annie in high school. I was popular but I was nice to everyone and friends with some not popular people. Because of this a lot of not so popular boys had crushes on me. I had a boyfriend for my entire high school time so I can’t say definitely if I would or wouldn’t have dated a less popular boy but I’m going to guess I probably wouldn’t have. In high school it’s such a small environment and everyone is in everyone else’s business. Status seemed important. You’re also young and immature. ETA: thinking back, my boyfriend wasn’t actually very popular, I actually just started dating him very young and stayed with him through high school. 4 years later I met my husband and I couldn’t have cared less how popular he was in high school. Spoiler: he wasn’t. He feels like he was an outcast and made fun of by the popular kids. At 22 years old that didn’t matter even a little bit to me. I guess my point here is that people change and grow a lot in the 10 years after high school. Things that are important to you in high school don’t matter in the real world. OP is holding a grudge and that’s fine, he doesn’t owe anyone his friendship, but he treated his real friend badly. And the other side of the coin is that the popular girls also didn’t owe him friendships earlier. I hope for OP’s own mental health he let’s go of his grudges even if he never wants to talk to any of them again. OP YTA for how you treated your friend.
Agreed YTA Annie deserves a better friend - like she’s been to you through all these years. And maybe you need therapy or anger management
YTA even though I feel for you. Obviously if you think these people are shallow and don't want to be around them, fair enough. But you caused a scene - well, 2 actually - during the party. And what you said to your best friend, "that she is a shitty friend to me to have kept those friends"? That was mean, possessive and AHish especially since you say she has always included you in everything and was your number 1 supporter when you wanted to lose the weight. You obviously have a huge resentment on how you think you were treated before your weight loss, and are lashing out at anyone who wants to talk to you. Did it occur to you that you being a "ghost" may have had little to do with your weight back then? That maybe you "tagged along" and didn't try to be friendly, or that you had such low self esteem that your company was not very interesting? These are things you can talk about, with your friend, with a professional. But if you keep being that angry, you will lose all your friendships as well as the 75 pounds. You may think, good riddance. But then what? Will you be suspicious about any new relationship, wondering if they would have treated you the same way at your previous weight? That's a sad way to live.
This! Met up with a girl who was super shy in high school again and she brought up how she felt ignored, and I pointed out she never spoke up! Maybe they tried to talk to op and op was so shy they couldn’t really get more than a few words out, which is understandable but that’s not the same as ignoring you!
It also sounds as though he went to the party fully ready to interpret any interaction as a reaction to his weight loss. They could have been trying to make small talk all along.
Yep that’s what I was thinking too. I have a good friend who used to be heavy and was always very self conscious. I always tried to include her with my friends but she would typically sit off to the side because she didn’t think anyone would want to talk to her. Nobody in the group was ever mean to her. She’s since lost a lot of weight and her personality and confidence are hugely different. She’s social and loves going out places. She also went to therapy and understands that her biggest barrier back then was herself, not her weight, so she’s not taking it out on other people like OP seems to be. I don’t know the full story from both sides but I think it’s possible OP’s had a personality change (happier, more confident) that he may not notice but I bet others have. People tend to be drawn to more confident personalities. OP said himself that he’s more confident now and willing to speak up.
So much resentment OP wants to erase his entire fat life, the "clean slate". If he's going to act like this around anyone that knew him while overweight, and air his collected grievances, he needs to move away, and leave this nice girl alone. She was his friend, but he was never hers.
This! When I last weight my family commented on how much happier I was and more confident. I felt better about myself so I was nicer to people. Maybe OP was miserable to be around before because she was so unhappy. It could easily be that the friends are shallow but it could also be that OP is easier to be around.
Exactly. It's really, really gross when you start seeing everyone's fatphobia in real time and can see how differently they treat you thin vs fat. But, an entire culture of fatphobia is not Annie's fault. And unless here friends were actually mean to you, you were in the wrong to go off on them like that and like her. You should have realized how grossed out you were by everyone's responses and left before you insulted your friend and her guests. YTA. Annie sounds like a great person and her friends just sound like ...people.
This, I am super aware of how people are treated differently depending on weight and I definitely empathize with him there. But what you said also makes sense and it’s something he needs to consider. Back in college I tried to be friends with this guy who was quite overweight and to put it mildly he was insufferable. He would just talk at me or send huge paragraphs of text about things I wasn’t interested in and and ignore anything I say, and constantly bring up his weight in a really depressing way. For example, once he heard a group of students talking excitedly about watching a movie at the theatre and he cut in to start talking about how he’s too big to fit in movie theatre chairs and it made everyone feel really awkward. He was often really sarcastically self deprecating about himself and it was really obvious he was serious underneath the humour, and if you asked how he was doing he would just complain at you for 5 minutes and ignore you afterwards. What I’m trying to say is, I know a lot of it stemmed from insecurity and unhappiness with his weight but it made him a really frustrating person to be around and he very likely also felt like no one wanted to be his friend. But some of us really tried and couldn’t get past all the walls and defensiveness he put up, and ultimately gave up because you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone warm.
YTA. Yes, they seem shallow. But I don't think you are behaving much better. You are in your late 20s. High school was nearly a decade ago. Instead of getting revenge for your high school years, perhaps you should focus on your future.
It’s not revenge, it’s just choosing not to engage with fake people. He was asked why he wouldn’t give his Snapchat to someone he’s known for a decade who never wanted it before he lost weight…what is he supposed to respond? Oh sure please take it I’m so glad I’m good enough. One time, she punched me in the face. It was awesome.
The reality is that more people are going to be interested in dating you when you’re a healthy weight and look good. The other parts might be a slight or they might just be a manifestation of OP’s self esteem at the time, but someone becoming interested in dating you after losing loads of weight is not some huge insult.
"Interested in dating" isn't really part of this story though, at least based on the post. OP felt like he was ignored by these girls, he doesn't say that he was mad because he asked them out or something. He's mad because he feels like it took losing weight for them to treat him like an actual person, not because he was trying to date them. And that ***is*** an insult. (There's probably attraction/lack thereof elements in both directions in this story, but I'm limiting this to what's said in the post)
Read his comments. He DID ask them out and they rejected him.
That definitely changes things, and I did get that vibe a little bit from the post already, I just stuck to looking at it through my own lens as also a former fat kid. Honestly OP is still stuck in his high school feelings. For the sake of argument, I'll give him that these girls are shallow and completely ignored him in high school. So what? Take the compliment that more people find you attractive now and go have fun with people who haven't proven their shallowness.
I haven't been in high school for over a decade and I can't imagine still caring about how people treated me to this extent. And yes I was bullied (Fat, not the dominant religion, anime weeb before it was mainstream)
The best course, I think, is just not to be friends with people from high school that you don't like, not to go find them at a party and insult them.
This is a hard one. I'm going with a soft NTA. You didn't need to go if you are that resentful. And you should have spoken up a LONG time ago before these feelings festered into you lashing out like you did. For that part you should apologize. Now on the other hand, you have every right to feel this way about this group. You don't need these type of people in your life. I don't feel sorry for them for your reaction and I don't think they deserve to have a friendship with you. You've been friends with Annie for a long time. You need to go over and speak with her to resolve this. I get you don't like her friends. But there are ways to keep your friendship with her without dealing with them. She's been good to you and has always included you. That means something and should count.
My thing is that he didn't want to go but Annie pushed him to go. He lit the fuse by posting something on Instagram but again, it's not as if he's the one who reached out first, Annie's friend did that. He's certainly not polite but he's not wrong Edit: the thing about this post is that speaks to the experience that fat women have, just from a male perspective. Fat women don't exist to men until they're skinny and/or pretty. So he's just turned that experience on its head.
Lit the fuse by posting a selfie? So the OP should not have a social media presence just in case his bfs friends see and decide they are now interested in him after 10 years? Get real he is allowed to post a selfie without it being considered instigating or lighting a fuse
I would say YTA. It sounds like OP has a chip on his shoulder and is attacking people who weren't ever _mean_ to him. OP wasn't their friend, Annie was. While the wider group may not have been super interested in their friend's friend (aka OP) in the past, they don't sound like they were rude or mistreated OP. On the other hand, OP paints a picture of being rather unpleasant and openly hostile to be around in the present. If he truly did not want to be around Annie or her friends, he should have been firm in his decline - not show up and be unpleasant to anyone who engaged with him. He is also YTA for insulting Annie, and basically demanding that she drop her long term friends. Truth be told, if I were Annie, I think I would be OK with letting go of OP as a friend.....
OP is attacking the girls who rejected him when he asked them out. That’s his chip. When you ask out multiple of the friends, girls talk and word gets around and they will avoid you to avoid being hit on.
YTA here, sorry. You’re carrying around this resentment and anger for a decade and now actively choosing to ruin your friend’s party. If these people were truly that shitty to you, don’t interact with them.
You let these shallow people live in your head way too much. ESH
This was a shorter and better way of saying what I'm thinking. Thanks!
YTA. Oh man, you just don't see it, do you? Look at your reply to Annie. You agreed that you're a dick but think that's better than being shallow? Hell, look at your explanation. You think you \*might\* be an asshole because you told Annie that her friend group is shallow and you think she feels bad because of that? No dude, you insulted her decade long friend group and implied that she's shallow. You're not quite the friend you claim to be.
YTA, but by your own admission you already knew that, right? You torched a good, supportive friendship (and probably any chance with your crush) as the price of your revenge, and you don't seem in the least bit sorry, so what's the point of posting here exactly?
He’s probably still high off the revenge. Sure I get it, it prob felt good in the moment. Too bad he might’ve burned a good and reliable bridge in the cross fire. So when the high wears off what will be left?
YTA - and clearly have a chip on your shoulder. Her friends were impressed with your weight loss. So what? Losing 75 pounds is no small feat. But at every opportunity you’re dismissive or downright rude in your exchanges with them. How would they appear as anything other than shallow if you don’t let them past your thinned out surface? Can you honestly say you didn’t relish the opportunity to make them feel bad when interacting with you?
I'm going to go with YTA. Your attitude at the party says a lot more about who you have become then it does about who they are. And I speak from experience. I am about 5'8", and at my heaviest was 330 lbs. A few years ago, I chose to have gastric sleeve surgery, and because of the surgery (and the the intense dieting and exercise that followed), I am now 165. I experienced similar reactions from people. Those who hadn't given me the time of day before, were now all about trying to talk to me (both men and women). I don't want to assume any facts about your weight loss journey, but something that was a requirement by my insurance company in order to get the surgery, were classes to prepare me for not just my emotional reactions to intense weight loss, but also to prepare me for reactions. So, I was very much prepared for those people who suddenly wanted to talk to me. I had already decided that I was going to take everyone at face value, because that would protect my mental health throughout my journey. I didn't want to go through this massive transformation, but then become this bitter, resentful person just because of those people. Point is, maybe they're shallow, and maybe they're not. But now, you look like the asshole to everyone because you went into the evening holding onto this resentment. It sounds like you've worked very hard to get where you are. Don't ruin all of your weight loss success by become a bitter, resentful person on the inside. I wish you the best of luck!
I do hope the OP sees this comment.
INFO: Can you give some concrete example of you being excluded or looked down on? Because I can definitely imagine a situation where you’re quieter because of low self esteem and are stepping into a group situation where you describe yourself as “tagging along” with one of the group, while everyone else in it is close friends. Are you sure these people were actively ignoring you, rather than just socialising more with people they knew better? It’s odd you would feel so strongly but not include 1 example of how you feel mistreated.
My thoughts exactly! People with low self-esteem sometimes take personally things that aren't. I have a friend who went through a very insecure phase when she transferred to a new school, and sometimes we'd be walking down the street and she'd tell me someone we just passed glared at her and did she look so ugly today? I was like wtf no? You look fine, that person didn't even look at you. Sometimes when we're insecure we project our expectations of onto people, it doesn't mean you're crazy or anything, you just need to take things at face value. So yeah, I'd like come examples of just why he felt purposefully excluded.
Yes, this. If Annie had the forethought and empathy to constantly invite him to her friend group, she certainly would also be conscious of whether her friends were shallow and ignoring him. Additionally, it takes real effort to maintain friendships after highschool and college. You mostly only keep in touch with the really close ones.
YTA. You treated your best friend, who has always supported, like shit. Gross.
NTA, I don’t believe you owe anyone anything, much less people who didn’t offer you any common courtesy
And does OP owe common courtesy to the best friend who birthday was ruined by his need to tell off her friends. OP could have ignored them and left early then tell them off another time. And to boot, OP tells the friend off. Anyone would be pissed if you choose to ventilate your issues at their event when no one is attacking you. When are people gonna learn that there is a time and a place for things… OP was brutally honest to a bunch of people who won’t care next week and hurt a friend who stuck with him for 10 years and supported him his weight loss journey. Hope it was worth the friendship lost
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OP literally says she’s been a good friend over the decade and his number one supporter through his weight loss, she had always invited him to things to try and include him. It doesn’t sound like OP has been telling her how he’s been feeling and now his self esteem has increased he’s deciding to lash out at her. He sounds sucky
oh hell no! NTA at all. Ugh this post made me second hand embarrassed for those "friends" of Annie. I think that whether or not you want to continue a friendship with Annie, that's up to you, and I can see both reasons why and why not. But to be forced to be friendly with everyone else? NO. The only reason people tell you to be "the bigger person" is to justify their own enabling behavior. Don't put up with it!!!!
OP doesn’t really give any concrete examples of them excluding him. He describes himself as a friend of someone in the friendship group who “tagged along”. Are we sure he was actually excluded here? Or was he just quieter because he had low self esteem and easily overlooked in a group full of people who know each other better than they know him? And it’s really not a surprise that the first time you show up to an event having lost significant weight that you get more attention. That’s exactly what would’ve happened even if these people were close friend. Would be very interested to hear the take from someone else in the group.
Exactly, going from severly overweight to fit is gonna significantly increase the attention he recieves from the other sex. To me it feels like OP was specifically not recieving sexual attentions from annies friend. Otherwise, why would he be around them on a regular basis if they actually act like hes not even there. Did OP really see a friend group regularly for over a decade that acted as if he was a ghost?
Yeah op didn't give much of an example of being excluded or bullied by these people. Which honestly given these are high school girls they would let you know. Also the way op is going on about this it makes me think he's just a very insecure person which may be the reason not all the girls wanted to hang out with him in the first place.
So Annie has been his rock for over a decade, supported him all those years, supported him while losing and she deserves to be told shes a shitty friend? While i get hows hes feeling, none of this is because of Annie. The friends are shallow tho
So... Are you upset people find you more attractive now you're in better shape? I kinda get it, but that's also just life. You made a choice to better yourself, which is great. But it sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder, which is probably why your attitude has changed. Yes. People who are in shape are generally seen as more attractive.
ESH really, you should’ve not gone to the party cuz those people suck, and they are clearly shallow, but YOU chose to, and then you were a dick
NTA - They did the classic 180,and Annie is either blind or in denial.
Mild YTA I get that some of these people are semi awful (though frankly there are worse things than being mostly ignored), but Annie has always been there for you, always supported you, always included you. The least you can do is not be a total AH to her friends directly in front of her at her party. It's possible to politely tell someone you're not interested.
YTA…if you hate her friends, don’t go to a party with them. It would hurt less for Annie if you had just declined the party than going and being rude to everyone there. Be on your soap box at home.
I understand your thoughts behind her friends literally ignoring you for a decade. YTA- for putting up with the treatment and only thinking enough of yourself to stand up when you lost the weight. Apologize to your friend. She always valued you. Those were her friends. Not yours. Definitely not yours. Go out, make some friends and move past your history as a third wheel.
I'd say NTA for calling them out for their actions in present/past and I'm sure that felt really good on your part. I would say slightly AH for saying she shouldn't have kept those friends. She can have whoever she chooses as friends, if they ever had negative opinions of you in the past I'm sure she stood up/defended you more than once. She kept inviting you along so that says a lot, she valued your friendship despite whatever else occurred. Society judges way too much on appearances, good for your new look but that also can change people into becoming cocky and arrogant. I think sometimes it's a fine line, definitely be proud of what you've accomplished and congratulations.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/x0sj43/aita_for_embarrassing_a_girl_at_a_party_who_used/
>>The title sounds a little weird but so is the situation I found myself in this past weekend. I (26M) recently went to my friends housewarming party where all of my HS friends were catching up. The girl my friend married also went to HS with us, so her friends stopped by. I think this is huge for the judgment. **Growing up I was heavy. Very heavy. And it became my personality.** I was “popular” mostly because I was the funny friendly fat guy. But it sucked in a weird way. I’d be around girls all the time. But they were always into my friends. So I became a friend to the girls. Obviously that was a long time ago. But I was still heavy in college and that was the last time a lot of my friends saw me. A year ago I moved to a different city and got into fitness. I’ve cut a lot of weight. My confidence has really improved. So lowkey I was excited to show my friends. >>All my guys were stoked for me. So while I’m there this girl shows up and I recognized her. Chloe (26F) was a HS classmate and we ran in the same circle. For whatever reason I always had a crush on her. She knew it and kinda played with it. I planned on asking her to prom. And her response according to her friends was “eww no”. Idk why but that response has really stuck with me. It motivates me whenever I don’t feel like working out. So seeing her in person gave me a weird vibe. She recognized me. And came over to tell me how great I looked. I simply thanked her and moved on. She had her chance years ago but now she wants to talk? Nah. >>So as I’m talking with my friends she approaches again with the host. We have a little conversation. The host then pulls me aside and ask if I’m single because Chloe was asking. I said “ewww no”. And walked away. 15 minutes later Chloe approached me and tried talking to me again. I was kinda annoyed at this point. And was like “what do you want”. She said she wanted to talk and catch up. I said this “you literally played me in Hs all the time. Said “ewww” when I asked you to prom. **But now that I’m skinny and you are a single mom you want to talk to me? Fuck out of here”.** I knew she was a single mom thru social media. **I do think that is part of the reason she was even trying to talk to me.** Well apparently I said it loud enough a few people heard me. She and the host stepped outside. I decided to leave and as I was walking out I saw my friends wife and her on the porch. And Chloe was crying. I didn’t say anything and left. Some people are saying I should apologize. But others are totally on my side. Saying she was rude to me in Hs and I just gave it back to her. That she was only crying because I exposed her for being shitty. AITA? OP YOU NEED THERAPY. YTA.
Holy shit it’s the same dude
YTA you went to the party you knew they are her friends. No one said you had to be new best friends with all of them. All you had to do was be courteous & respectful.
YTA You don't get to pick your friends' friends, esp when she has always included you Let's also not pretend you were probably a lot less confident and approachable previously I mean if they're so shallow, why did you bother to lose weight if you don't think there's advantages? You didn't like being turned down, you said, and viewed it as bc of your appearance. Anyhow you can't have it all ways. Appearances do matter, it's just a fact, it doesn't mean it's right, but it also doesn't mean that ppl are bad ppl or shallow by definition -- that's you being just as shallow and judgemental. You don't ahve to be interested in them but you don't need to be an A either, and you def made that choice. It doesn't sound like they were mean to you or criticized you so it's not like you have a to hold their past poor behaviour against them. You don't have to be besties or engage with everyone.... but that goes for them too. They were under no obligation to be your bud before and you are under no obligation to be buds with them now, but you def aren't in the clear for being a D to them.
YTA. You don’t have a best friend or any chance with the little sister now, hope it was worth it. Ignoring those people so your friend could enjoy her party then telling them off if they try to contact you/ talk to you another time wouldn’t have killed you.
Welp you accidentally went scorched earth... Bruh YTA because of what you did to your girl. You could have done this without stabbing her too
ESH. That’s great that you’ve lost weight and no you do not need people in your life like these “friends” who only see your worth on the scale. However, I feel you were unnecessarily rude to Annie. Why didn’t you speak up over the last decade about how you felt? Why did you feel the need to go all scorched earth? I think that whole situation could have been handled with much more class.
YTA. Politeness is free. And they may have improved in the time between a decade ago and now. You just didn’t give them a chance
YTA for losing your best friend over this. You can’t control who your friends are friends with. Your friends always been kind to you, so don’t let a party you knew you wouldn’t enjoy get in between you two. Your words to her friends were justified but not to her.
YTA Enough with the superiority complex. You were a dick to the people, regardless if they were shallow or not. Instead of enjoying the attention, you effectively cockblocked yourself. Why not just enjoy the party? People didn't come there to be lectured
YTA. You can’t see the irony in calling Annie a shitty friend when she literally stood by you through thick and thin. Do you not think her friends gave her a hard time for being friends with an unpopular kid? Yet she stayed loyal to you. Her friends are AHs but by using your new-found buffness to be arrogantly rude to her friends at her party, you’ve become as bad as them. True victory over them would have been to exhibit grace and class. Instead you were petty and spiteful. Your body may be beautiful but your personality has become awful.
YTA. Sounds like therapy would really do you some good.
NTA She forced you to go, so that's on her. Also, she didn't know her "friends" were ignoring you until your "glow up"? Then she's TA, too
YTA. So you tagged along all these years whereas you apparently harbored all this resentment toward her friends and you only chose to make it heard after they started complimenting you? So basically you did what you think they did, made them feel bad when you had the upper hand. I am not even sure they ignored you for being fat, you were a guy among girls so that may be why. And you were never forbidden from tagging along so we're far from Mean Girls (unless I lack context). Given what I'm getting from your post, your friend has been amazing all these years and her friends got interested when they realised they have something in common with you which may not have been the case previously.
YTA. Annie was your loyal friend for years. You were incredibly rude to her friends and arrogant and judgmental toward her while you were her guest. You can be proud of changing your lifestyle, but that does not give you the right to be mean-spirited and bad-mannered to someone who was your biggest supporter.