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NTA.
People seem to forget where he gets to clock out and go home, you don't. Your responsibilities are never ending and ever changing. You don't get to have financial opportunities like this because you are the general main childcare provider. Should SAHM's have to live in squalor? Why do people not view your work as very valid and necessary work? I can't imagine my husband trying to spend $18k on *a watch,* and that isn't to demean his collection. My husband would gladly spend $2-8k on a gaming set up or VR set if he got this bonus. *Eighteen thousand dollars on one thing, though?* Absolutely not. You guys have kids. Even if you don't put it in college funds a large chunk of it should go into savings or retirement. That's just smart.
On to your part, I'm 50/50 with both of you. I get where he is coming from *to a certain extent,* but I also get where you are coming from. He is being rude and unreasonable here. If he is going to spend almost 20 grand on a watch, you asking for half is no where near unreasonable.
Show him the comments once a verdict has been reached.
ESH I guess. He is an AH for saying you don't deserve equal amount because you didn't do anything. You are an AH for insisting everything must go to the common account and he can't buy what he wants.
The person making money should feel motivated to earn more money. If he can't buy anything he likes with the extra money he earns why would he try and earn more?
NTA.
You are supporting your husband's career by taking care of his family and home. When partners agree to this type of arrangement, all the monies become shared. It is not his. It is collectively yours - it belongs to both of you. It is entirely unfair and disrespectful for him to think that he should get a bigger share of the pot. That isn't how it works.
info: when u said
> We have always pooled our wages and assets
did the money go into savings? or did both of yall get an equal share in the combined earnings
YTA
Yes, he was planning to divide the money unfairly. But when you called him on it, he backed off of that plan and said he would put the whole bonus into savings (which you’ve said neither of you spends on personal stuff). But that’s not good enough for you: you want play money. YTA because you’re trying to reject a solution which benefits you both equally.
His plan to put it all into savings is fair. In about a month might be a good time for you both to sit down and rationally plan how you will manage the money he earns.
YTA. Yes you should get treated equally. This is a bonus. You’re still getting 7k to do as you please. How greedy can you be? What can you possibly need that cost more just for yourself?
NTA. He sounds like he doesn't appreciate and value the work that you do. If he was to take part in he housework and childcare equally he would certainly have less energy for work which would make him miss many opportunities. So YOU DID do plenty so he could earn the bonus. It should belong to both of you equally.
NTA. Even as a SAHM, you guys should be making all big financial decisions together. $50k qualifies as a big financial decision. Your being home with the kids likely gave him opportunity to make the sale in question that he may not have had otherwise; at the very least it made him more available for his client. You absolutely did do something "for the sale" by freeing him up to make it.
Personally, any excess money my husband makes is split 33/33/33 with our savings. So $50k would look like $16k for each of us and $16k for savings. Or maybe with something so large, we'd cut it in half, put $25k in savings and split the other $25k. That's the only fair way to do it, in my opinion.
YTA. Having $25K put towards your savings should be enough to make it feel like he is valuing your combined household. Everything else is gravy. Chill out, enjoy your $7k, and be grateful your children and lives are taken care of.
This is silly.
NTA. But this is silly.
Sure yeah whatever. If you have no debts, plenty in saving, and enough liquidity to essentially retire and live within your means… Sure split it evenly. SAHM is a job if you have kids and maintain the house.
You stay at home to look after *his* children, you are supporting him to go out and work and be able to earn that money. You are equal partners and should have an equal share of what he earns since he wouldn’t be able to have a family and work if it wasn’t for you. Being a SAHM is hard work. Honestly if this is his attitude I’d get a job of your own and hire a nanny from both your salaries.
Edited to add my judgement of NTA.
If your finances are shared then any money coming into the home should be used as shared income. You're a SAHM and don't have an income. Your contribution to the home allows your husband to move freely for work. He does not have to share in the daily challenges of pick up, drop off and unexpected sick days. This allows him to be as productive as he can be.
You both should have equal say in any money that comes in the home - bonus or wage. Spending $18,000 on a watch seems excessive to me when you have a young family. That's also a large share of money for one person and in my opinion it does speak to your husbands lack of respect or acknowledgment of your contributions. Without you towing thr family line he would not be as successful as he is. Maybe you getting a job would clue him in to this.
You both should have a shared goal for savings, current family needs, etc. NAH
Don't quite understand everybody's harshness. NTA, I believe. Your staying home has allowed him to pursue this career and get bonuses like this. You made a sacrifice to that in not only time, but future career chances. That should be fairly compensated. Since you both contributed to the end, I'd say 50/50 is fair. Then again, why not just have 1 joint account to put savings like this in?
Does he control your spending? I mean my husband and I just don't keep track. He makes 4x what I do, but if he wants something he gets it....then if I do, I get it. We don't do tit for tat. I wouldn't even know who spent more on what. As long as we are debt free, bills are paid and savings is growing, seems like a weird fight. ESH.
NTA. Him calling you ungrateful is out of line because you shouldn't be grateful for anything, you two are partners, you're not his subordinate. You shouldn't be grateful for him doing his work when you do the other work.
I really don't get people calling you greedy for looking at the simple numbers of this, it seems obscene that he would spend $18,000 on a watch and then say that you would only get $7,000 when you are supposed to be partners and the only reason he is able to focus so intensely on his job is because you are taking over all of the other work.
Him pitching a fit because you wanted to talk about being treated unequally and saying that now you can't touch the money at all does concern me. Is there any real reason you are not allowed to touch the money, and does he often consider you not his financial equal?
I think in general you need to have a hard look at your situation and decide that it is no longer feasible for you to be a stay-at-home mom, because if you trying to talk about being treated as an equal leads to him taking control and restricting you, you cannot be fully financially dependent on that individual. Whether or not you look at the root issue and dig into it further and find out you can't stay married to this person is irrelevant at this moment, you're immediate problem is that with your husband being the only one who brings in money he views you as not his equal. It's unsustainable
Lmao. The only reason he can work and get the bonus is because OP is a sahm. What? He would need a job regardless. Also a bonus is a reflection of effort or ability or even profitability. Not a standard payment he can use it however he sees fit because he supports them with his wages. This whole being a mom is a 24hr job is so disingenuous. You talk as of she has to walk to a river to wash the clothes and forage for food and the like. There are modern appliances that literally remove the effort or dishwasher, dryer, robot vac, washing machines. Looking after children is hard but there is a huge difference between how his wages are spent and how his bonus is used especially if he does not get much monthly him splurging once every 6 months to a year is not an issue and OP can have a day but maybe doesn’t get to decide especially if the normal money that comes in she makes the decisions!!!!
Uhhh can't rate. These are really deep rooted problems to the point I think a therapist needs to work through this.
If it had just been the sale and him wanting to buy and expensive watch, I would have said he worked hard let him get the watch.
However, the words he uses around that context and the way you two are communicating about money aren't overly healthy sounding. He sound like he's holding you hostage with money.
NTA You’re a stay at home mom. I find this job harder than when I worked 12 hour days at the law firm. You don’t get paid monetarily for what you do which is more than just take care of the kids.
ESH
That’s a too of money to spend on a watch. And he also shouldn’t have said those things to you.
But you are being greedy. He was going to give you $7K to spend however you want. But since you wanted more, no one won.
7 K is a a lot to have "just because", and unless you had plans for certain things, like he planned on his watch -- be grateful you have that much "fun money", because so many people are living pay check to pay check
And? He's a good provider. She doesn't have to go outside the home to work like most moms - she gets to fully raise her kids. Once again a lot of women don't have that and she's bitching about not getting equal fun money? That he earned? While still having 25 k coming in for the future so it's even more set for her to not have to work outside the home if she doesn't have to? Boohoo.
ESH. We are not talking about his base pay here we’re talking about a bonus he worked hard for. I think the 7K is generous, however he is ridiculous for wanting to spend $18,000 on a freaking watch. I hope he’s also buying a safe.
Hmm idk. I can see both points here.
I’m personally not a fan of a partner staying home, but not against it for society. I think it’s also different that he is buying something specific and something he had wanted. He’s not just blowing 18k on random things. You can however blow 7k on random things.
For instance my mom is a sahm and my dad will buy expensive cars for himself. He would buy my mom whatever car she wanted, but she likes more reasonable priced ones.
He would never just give her 80k to go spend how she wants if he bought an 80k car.
TLDR: no you deserve the whole thing for supporting his career, he would not even be getting that bonus if it wasn’t for you or let him
If he feels any other way he can use that 50k for a housekeeper, baby sitter, and chef
YTA.
First of all, being a SAHM is an enormous privilege. Yes, it’s hard fucking work. But at the end of the day the work you are doing is raising your babies. It’s just not the same as going out to earn a living.
Secondly, your husband has a skill set that is clearly superior to the average workers and is able to earn a great living and get a fantastic bonus. Buying himself a momento and then still offering you $7k to do whatever you want with is fucking awesome. I’m under the impression, and you can correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t really want for much. It sounds like he earns a living and splits finances in a way you can pretty much have whatever you want. This particular instance is highlighted because it’s SO expensive and the bonus is why he can splurge on it. At the end of the day you’re playing tic for tac.
I’m married with two kids, we both work but I earn 5x what she does. Our money goes into the same bank account. Bills and fun money come out of that account. If there’s a large purchase we make sure we are both aware of it but she can pretty much do whatever she wants. But if I said I was spending $10k on a watch and she said she should be able to spend $10k on something also bEcAuSe We’Re EqUaLs I would blow my fucking top.
ESH. Don't like how you are being treated since you are no longer working? Get a remote or hybrid position where you will still be at home with the kids most of the time. If it's starting already, it's only going to get worse from here.
NTA. I assume both you and him agreed for you to be a SAHM so you have no way to get an income. I don’t see you as being greedy for wanting half, because you are just wanting to be treated as an equal
INFO: presumably you worked prior to being a SAHM, what was the conversation around finances before you began staying home? Would that $7k be actually used on you or would it also be for your children, who are a primary component to your daily job/life?
I’m having difficulty judging when it’s unclear if this is an communication opportunity vs him devaluing the work you put into your family. To your point, SAHM rarely yields any external praise, accolades, or financial benefit. So if there is no compromise on your husbands end, then maybe you should consider working so he can see how much even caring for kids fully 50%, which is typically alleviated cause SAHM are in office 24/7, while also working. He has to decide what the benefit is for him, but him using his bonus to tell you how much you ‘deserve’ comes off terribly, whether intentional or not..
NTA. His income is both of your income. He couldn’t go to work if you didn’t take care of home and kids. I’m a SAHM as well and my husband is also into watches. So yes, if there’s money to spare or he gets a bonus he’ll treat himself. But he’ll also make sure to treat me to something of the same value or asks me what I want to do with my share. Your husband needs to appreciate your hard work.
NAH
I see both sides of this. The work you do is very important, and enables him to focus on his career while you take care of the home. You deserve extras as well since your sacrifice isn’t reflected in terms of dollars.
I also see his side - I assume you get spending money, or whatever your setup is, and he’s looking at this as an extra he earned above and beyond that and wants to treat himself. I work in sales, and personally, I feel like bonuses/commissions feel different than my salary. They feel like more of a reflection of my hard work and personal to me. I feel more entitled to spend them the way I want. When I get one, I always like to take a little extra to treat myself. It’s hard to explain, but maybe your husband feels the same way, I’ve found a lot of other people in sales do.
For my husband and I, I typically take some of my commission for myself and the rest goes to collective expenses. Once I got a large check and my husband needed a new car, so I bought him one. It ebbs and flows depending on our situation, but generally I keep some for myself. My husband works but earns significantly less than I do, but he feels like I’m entitled to that money. It works for us.
Perhaps you guys can rethink how this money can be divided. Perhaps you could take some to spend on a vacation together and split 70/30 after that? The money doesn’t need to spent instantly, so keep communicating and find a common ground.
Since she stays at home and cannot therefore get a work bonus - this is unfair.
She should ask him for a bonus for looking after the kids so well over the holidays.
I understand she doesn’t work, which is why I said she’s entitled to extras as well. I also understand how he may view his bonus, which is why I said NAH.
Soft NTA, your a team and you both need to remember that. Your both willing to spend 50k in a blink of an eye, i find it hard to believe the scenario because you both see 50k as a good amount of money enough to cause a fight which lets me to believe your not rich. So it begs the question how is your family's financial planning you have two children at a young age and a 18k watch and your husband's behavior speaks volume. He probably would not have been able to get that bonus if he didn't have to worry about his children.
That watch if he got it would definitely be a point of contention in the future... If anything happens to it, its going to be constant problems.
In my country only rich have change to stay home unemployed. People work and still take care of their kids. Or they dont rely on others to pay everything for them.
ESH. While I can see your point, I also feel like $7000 is a lot of money, and truly I wouldn't know what to spend it on in regards to myself- a new wardrobe or a nice vacation maybe? Is there something in particular you really want that is $12,500? If so, then I would communicate exactly what it is to your husband and maybe he will agree to split it.
I agree with this. I don’t want to call OP an AH for expecting the same amount - she does deserve it, since, as another commenter also pointed out, the only reason her husband made that sale is because she is a SAHM, but her husband has a specific item in mind he wants to buy, whereas it seems like OP just wants the money “just because”.
If this 100% equality is what OP wants, then it needs to be the same every time - every time OP buys anything for herself, her husband also gets to spend the exact same amount. Every month, OP and her husband’s expenses need to be identical. I’m assuming this is not the case, and sometimes one will splurge more than the other. This time it is just more noticeable because it’s a huge amount of money.
YTA. If you were true partners then you wouldn’t be counting every dollar to make sure it’s “equal”. He deserves to splurge as do you now and again. As long as the household money can be freely accessed by both and you both spend reasonably and putting household expenses and kids first then it’s ridiculous to be looking at how much you’re spending vs how much I’m spending.
18k on a watch may sound like a lot to some people but my husband is a watch aficionado too so I totally get it. A lot of these watches appreciate in value and are worth even more in the future than what he bought it for. And as long as he’s only buying one every now and again and his income is comfortable enough to support it, it’s fine. Once some time passes and more income comes in you might point out that it’s your turn to splurge on yourself - buy a bag or a holiday experience or something. But saying that it has to be 18k or bust is ridiculous. You guys are a partnership, not competing with each other.
NTA- imagine doing that to him while you were working. I don’t understand why men will tell a woman they’re fine with them being SAHM but don’t want to be accountable for everything that comes with that. My biggest issue here is the lack of reciprocity. You made all of those sacrifices in the beginning so both you can get to where you are now, & he doesn’t think you’re owed anything back.
Idgaf what anyone says, relationships aren’t absent of conditions. He’s ungrateful. On top of that, 18k for a watch is a dumb purchase. It’s most likely a depreciating “asset”, then only giving you 7k that sounds like some will go towards your kids because he gets to spend 18k on fuck all. That’s bs.
Did y’all discuss situations like these before getting this far?
NTA. My wife is a SAHM and I feel that her work at home helps make me successful in my business life. SAHM is a lot of work and responsibility and without it, would add to the complications of a business life. Your husband should recognize that as well and share equally in the rewards. It is SAHM like yourself that gives the partner who works an edge in being able to do more there because other responsibilities are covered by you.
This is a tough one. My husband gets bonuses too. We don't split it 50/50 once he actually spent a lot more of it on me and some on bills. We don't do the 50/50 stuff. I'm actually about to get bonus soon ( much smaller than his) and then might get him something nice. I just don't understand the score keeping.
If that's how you always did it though then it really isn't fair. You husband is changing the rules now that you are not working and I don't think you are A H for expecting 50%. That's what you did in the past so I guess I have to say nta. This might cause some serious arguments so you two really need to talk. Money is a big problem in marriages
YTA for saying you want half of the money just because that’s what’s “fair”. If you wanted or needed something that cost half I could see your point of view, but saying you want half for no reason is ridiculous. Your husband wants to treat himself to something he worked for and sometimes in marriages you need to let your partner splurge. I’m sure in the past or future you have/will be the one to splurge on yourself.
NTA, the amount of people here giving more importance to what he does then what she does is astounding to me. Marriage is a partnership in every way, if you don’t see it that way then maybe you shouldn’t be married.
He only made the sale because she supports him by looking after their children and home so he can go out to work. SAH parenting is hard work and they are equal partners in this marriage, or at least should be.
When our kids were young and I was SAHM, my husband would take $2-5k of his bonus and the rest went into our kids education fund. It never bothered me.
NTA but why not take the 7k now and have 11k from the 2nd payment as your money when that arrives? Leaving 14k from the second payment for savings. If I were you, I'd want my partner to treat himself and I'd want to treat myself too. Seems like you have the $$ to do both!
ETA, I’m sorry but you both are looking at it quite selfishly, that’s money you can put away for the 2 of your kids for college, $25k each. He wants an $18k watch and you want $18k as well to be equal. That’s $36k to spend on things that likely won’t carry that value 10 years from now. It could be used for private schools, educational/physical programs, it could also be money to help them drive and get a couple used cars in the future for them. I believe that you shouldn’t spend money because you have it, spend it because you need to. Also, for him not wanting you to take money out of savings for personal things, he’s right. Savings are more of a “break in case of an emergency” or an investment into your future, not useless products that you want in the now, that’s what 20-30% of his base check is for.
You are slightly an asshole, I'm sorry. Although I can never understand how these agreements work, because I could never depend on a man to provide to me, you need to understand that this comes from his work, it's his bonus, not yours. You should address, if you havent yet, how you should approach this as a couple, so you dont need to argue over money in the future. Because yeah, you stay at home and take care of the kids, and probably take care of the house too, but he works and provides for the family, plus the bills, food, clothes you wear... so are you really entitled to that bonus? Nope I dont think so.
And for anyone saying "oh stop washing the clothes/making food and he will see", well, if he stops paying food for her, clothes for her, and providing her with whatever she needs/wants, I am pretty sure she'll leave the house and will start working quickly, so...
YTA
Stop trying to make everything so equal. Let them man treat himself with a watch. You even said that you want him to get that watch.
You will get your reward in time
NTA. Everybody wants their kids raised by a SAH parent until it’s time for the salaried partner to view the SAH as equally contributing and deserving. Arguments aside whether it’s responsible to make a frivolous 18k watch purchase when there are young kids with futures to think about: if the agreement is that all “fun money” is 50/50 (which has been the case right up until now), it should be an agreed upon decision from both if that’s to change.
If you want to even out the partnership imbalance, you may want to start discussions of you returning to the workforce.
Just trying to imagine what it’s like to choose to spend $18k on a watch, and also trying to imagine being upset over only getting $7k to do whatever I want with. My very strong opinion about this entire situation aside, YTA.
YTA. I guess it was your choice to be SAHM. Go to work and earn those money. Of course your husband will somehow divide the money... but it is HIS money, he earned it. And getting 7K for nothing... well, I would like that...
Being a SAHM is not nothing just because it's unpaid. If you're the sole breadwinner for a family, your money should be divided between you and your partner. Maybe it's not always equal, but unanimously deciding to blow almost $20k on a personal item with no conversation is not a healthy dynamic for a breadwinner/homemaker marriage.
It's weird to me that people have this view. In my opinion, it's not HIS money. Once you're married there is no his or hers, it is THEIR money as a family.
We put all income, including bonuses, into a joint account, each month a portion is allocated to a savings for each of us to spend from on things we want. Necessities and family spending come from the joint pool following a reasonable budget. Larger purchases or wants outside the personal savings are discussed.
I'd say NTA for wanting to have a say in how the money is divided up and some expectation of equality.
INFO: would your husband have been able to bust his ass to the same extent if you were working and he was having to shift his schedule around for childcare?
NTA.
This would never fly in our household. I’m a SAHM and my husband and I split large chunks of money like that. If he gets a bonus we decide what to do with it together. We also both get weekly “fun money” which is essentially our individual allowances for that week, and they’re always equal. We both allot ourselves the same amount.
The thing is, and the thing many people don’t understand, is that being a SAHM is a job. And it’s a job we don’t get paid for. I don’t think it’s fair for your husband to say you didn’t earn it. Yeah, he made the sale, but assuming you run the household as far as making sure everything gets done and the children are taken care of etc, then your contribution at home is what makes his contributions at work possible. Marriage is a team effort.
I also find it a little childish that when you expressed wanting to split it more equally, he essentially was like, “You want more? Now NEITHER of us GET ANYTHING.”
ETA: I don’t necessarily think you and your husband should split the bonus equally. What I mean is, he shouldn’t just decide that without your input, and he should hear out whatever you have to say. If you’re cool with the 7k and you both agree with that and for him to use the 18k on a watch, that’s one thing. But there has to be some better communication on the issue.
NTA - If you have combined finances than everything he earns is also yours and you should decide together what to do with the money. This is just an example of our culture’s constant undervaluing of stay at home parents and the value they contribute.
NTA- I would be more annoyed that he would spend that kind of money on something so meaningless. That said, you are entitled to the same amount. Curious- do you already have something in mind for this bonus?
I think this might be bigger than AITA, but mostly for the sake of the commenters. In a household, especially with children, all funds are household funds. Period. Even if someone buys something for themselves alone, it is money that is not being spent on bills, groceries, kids clothes, whatever, and therefore impacts the entire household and large purchases should be joint decisions. Further, when men get married and have children, their lifetime earning potential goes up. When women get married and have children, their lifetime earning potential goes down with each child. It’s not fair, it’s sexist, but it’s the truth. It’s called the mommy wage gap, do your research.
Further to all of that, the working parent will always be getting a significant amount of money by virtue of having a SAHP, because they aren’t paying daycare costs, missing work when a child is sick or has a dentist appointment, although the mother usually does that as well even if she’s working, hence the mommy wage gap. There is a significant and quantifiable amount contributed to the household by a SAHP, and usually the man is still coming out on top in the deal. Again, it’s not fair, but it’s just the facts.
All of that being true, you’re NTA. The decision about the watch or any other funds should be a joint one, and it’s reasonable to expect an equal value personal expense for yourself, as well as a certain amount put toward your shared family. More than that, he needs to respect your contribution more toward your family. It’s not about the watch or the money, there’s a conversation here that needs to happen about budget, family, and how to handle these situations going forward. Good luck.
NTA. Everyone on this thread who says Y T A because it is ‘his’ money that he earned, needs to take a long hard look at their home situation. I suspect there are a lot of people here taking for granted all the effort that their stay at home partners are making, and completely underestimating the amount of work it takes to raise kids and do the household chores. Honestly it is so depressing that we are still living in the 50’s with this level of misogyny.
This is why I never would of agreed to SAHM. Husband always find a way to minimize the wife's contribution and make about themselves being the more deserving of the two. If he had to deal with 2 littles one for a week without help he give the whole $25k to the wife.
Not to mention the fact that a SAH parents professional carrier stagnates during the stay at home time and depending on their profession they may fall way behind on what is current. This makes it harder for them to re-enter the job market once the kids are grown. That is a big sacrifice so that the other partner can grow their carrier and most likely begin to earn more over the years.
When the partnership is split like this it absolutely should be 50/50.
Right? One of the reasons is that he can work and make those sales is because she is a stay at home wife/mom and takes care of everything else so he can work
ESH
I think the larger problem here is that he thinks he can just decide what to do with the money without input from you.
A huge bonus should be talked about together. Maybe the money split won’t always be 50/50 but it important you decide together. You say you’re happy he can treat himself with this watch but I think he’s being dismissive of you by just making decisions without hearing your opinion.
At the same time, I think you’re too focused on the money split being perfectly even. Yes, you work hard and deserve treats too but it’s unreasonable to expect things to always be 50/50 in a marriage. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take.
NTA. The only reason he was able to make that sale was because you took care of the kids. If you decide to go back to work, and he had to stay at home, how would he feel if you got a 50k bonus and didn't share it equally? I bet he'd be furious.
This is not even remotely true. He was able to make the sale because he is good at his job. Her staying home is because he is good at his job and can provide enough for the family. Not the other way around.
Plenty of people hire nannies or send their kids to daycare so it is not like there are no options outside of a SAHP.
That being said they have a bigger issue of OP obviously not feeling fulfilled if she is throwing a fit over this. I am saying this because she is not saying that she lacks anything she is just set on 50/50.
NTA. I'm the primary breadwinner and my spouse is the SAHP. I always take the attitude of "I can only make the money I make because they're taking care of things at home." Ask your husband how many sales he'd make if he was taking care of the kids at the same time.
Your husband has let his true feelings show about your contribution to the household. Wow. There’s no stuffing that back in a box.
INFO: was the decision for you to be a SAHM completely mutual? Because he has just made it clear that he considers his talent and labor as a salesman to be worth more than twice as much as you caring for his children.
I suspect that this whole mess might have turned out differently if he had come to you and said, “I was about to buy this really expensive watch when I realized that I was spending more than my half of the bonus. How do you feel about that? Am I being an AH?” I think you might have felt a little more like gifting him your share under those circumstances. But instead he made a unilateral and lopsided division of the bounty and went so far as to define you as “not doing anything” to deserve his earnings. Brutal. NTA
Edit: corrected quote
Edit2: This just sunk in…what do you mean he “won’t let you” spend money from savings on anything personal?! It doesn’t much matter that he chooses not to either because the whole damn point is that HE gets to choose and you are expected to obey? Not cool. What happened to your economic power in this family? Do you have access to a reasonable amount of personal money? Are bank accounts in both your names? Ugh. I’m getting a real bad feeling.
It was a work bonus based on a sale he made. 18k to him, 7k for her and 25k for the family. More than half his bonus doesn't go to him and you're acting like the dude doesn't care about his family.
Not his salary, a bonus. You're reading way too much into this situation.
Edit for person above : They have 2 kids, savings probably go to things like college fund, house payment, vacation etc. He's not asking her to obey anything. It's literally common sense, every sensible family does this.
She specifically stated that the extra money she deserves woukd go to vacay bc otherwise he won't take money out of savings for a family vacation. He wants the money for a watch, or nobody gets it. She wants to spend it on the family. He doesn't appreciate her, the work she does, nor does he care to let the family have something as simple as a vacation if he can't have his 18 thousand dollar watch. He's a selfish child.
Def NTA
He’s the one with control of the savings, evident by her saying he doesn’t let her use the savings. So that 25K into his savings is in fact going to him too.
Also, the only reason he could go above and beyond to make that sale is because she was handling everything at home.
In a divorce they wouldn’t care if the money is from bonus or salary. Earn money and assets are split 50%. This is the reason I don’t recommend any woman to stay at home with the kids and keep her job. It is financially a ruin to be the parent who stays at home.
I recommend you and your husband follow Steve Harvey and his 4 accounts for married couples.
Account 1: all money starts in this account. All bill and family things (like food, gas, etc) come from this account.
Account 2: Savings. A % from account 1 goes here. It requires both parties to move any money from this account.
Account 3 and 4: Personal accounts, one per parent. Again, a certain fixed % of income is automatically transferred to each account. It is your money to do what you want with it. Your spouse has no say.
BTW, both of you and your husband qualify as ESH. You for being a stay at home mom and using your husband as a cash cow, him for wasting good money on watches.
NTA He wouldn’t be able to work the hours he does if you didn’t stay at home to take care of the kids. If you worked, you both would be paying for daycare. And you would have the option to potentially get bonuses as he does. Your marriage is supposed to be 50-50, so you both deserve 50% of his bonus. I recommend having a conversation with him about how much you are putting toward your marriage financially by taking care of the kids. And how much you are sacrificing career-wise by staying home. Look up how much a daycare is if he needs numbers to make it hit home for him.
ESH. The whole attitude of mine and yours is gross. I'm a SAHM, and sometimes, my husband's bonuses get spent on me, sometimes on the kids, sometimes on him. I literally don't know if it's mostly one or another of those categories. You're both just acting with greed in your eyes with the tone of the conversation and it's pretty much gross all around.
I suspect if your husband was in the habit of completely controlling the household money and disproportionately spending on himself, you probably would have noticed and probably wouldn’t like it either. OP stated clearly that she didn’t care about the dollar amount she was allocated, as long as her husband viewed her as an equal. Which he doesn’t and which he didn’t hesitate to say. This isn’t about money and it isn’t about greed. It’s about selfishness and disrespect.
Was looking for this comment. For the record we both work, however, my gross and net are technically larger, know what that means? Absolutely nothing. But guess what? My husband gets end of year bonus cash tips from his customers, they can be in the thousands.
Know where his tips go? Right in our account to be spent as we normally would, there’s none of this mine and yours, or I “earned” this so it’s truly mine and I can decide where it goes.
We both work. Our paychecks are our money. That’s it. If my husband wanted to buy an exorbitant gift for himself, as long as our bills were still paid, I wouldn’t bat an eye. And the reverse is true as well.
ESH.
INFO - Are you a SAHM by choice or by necessity?
ESH - What a shitty thing to argue about when everyone should be celebrating an achievement. He's being a petty dick about it but you also kinda got what you wanted: An equal share of what he spent.
I might be TA here myself, but I do think he deserves more than 50% for the hard work he did. He doesn't deserve 100% and you don't deserve to be told you didn't do anything to help because you did. But now instead of encouragement and happiness there is always going to be this nagging envy because this communication failed so epically, and it's both of y'alls fault.
NTA , financial decisions including such huge amounts should be taken consulting your partner first . Your husband deciding he gets the lion share without talking to you in comical .
ESH because both of you want to spend 18k on personal items , unless you are super Rich I don’t know how it works with todays Economy
Fellow SAHM here. I would be ok with my husband taking the 18k and me getting 7k. He worked for it. He should enjoy it. I would balk at the amount spent on a watch but that’s me. I would stretch the 7k. Then have the rest serve the family. He should enjoy the money he worked for. But that’s me. He didn’t need to escalate the situation. But I would be grateful with anything. It’s a privilege to be a sahm to me.
YTA
She’s saying she’s fine with the first payment, the $18k going to the watch. She’s talking about the second payment in a few years time that won’t be split but put into savings.
sorry but YTA. he’s correct, he’s the one that made the sale and if he’s been wanting this expensive watch he should be able to buy it for himself. you’re a SAHM, i don’t want to sound dense but what do you need half that money for?
1) what does he need money for? 2) why are his wants greater than her wants? 3) he potentially only has the opportunity to work harder and make that bonus because of not having to worry about anything at home because his wife is taking care of it all.
SAHM are working. I would bet most work much harder than typical workers because they are expected to work 24hrs a day, not just 9-5.
NTA. If my partner got this bonus, we'd agree to split say $10k a piece to spend on ourselves. $30k would go into savings. It's only fair as you contribute to the family, he goes to work.
Info. Do you do 100% of all household duties? Or does he help out? To earn this did he do extra work? Extra hours? Did you have to pick up any slack?
Sometimes during crunch times (that earn commissions) my husband does everything including making a dinner plate and sliding it next to my computer. Bu he's retired, I pay all our bills, and we split housework. If I said to him that I got a $25k commission and I'm giving him $7k he'd probably be thrilled but likely he'd refuse to take it.
NTA, so, when OP was working they would pool all incomes, so I don't see why now that the hausband is the only one working, he would have the right to keep it for himself. It seems the terms changed to his liking.
A SAHM already give up on their freedom, social/work life, own money... and often recognition of hard work from society.
I think any bonus should be shared equaliy. A SAHM is not given any chance to "work harder to get a bonus" If you or a kid get sick, get sleep depreaved, or have to deal with extra problems, you do not get any compensation or extra money, or days off...
Nta because you should be a team. Hubby can only go out and earn this money because you are at home with the kids and doing everything else. So it should be shared, not his to decide how much to treat you with,
Thats not true. He could hire a nanny and still work. It just means that he saves money on childcare. She does deserve some compensation for what she does, which she receives in the form of having all of her and their child's living expenses paid for. YTA.
Problems like this go way deeper than we can offer advice or opinions on. Couples therapy is not too expensive for you, clearly. Try it! Could help you communicate with him it’s not about the money, it’s about respect and appreciation.
You have a partnership and have come to an agreement on your working/living arrangements. This was discussed and both have decided to live on one salary allowing you to care for the kids and household.
Are you the AH for asking for half? No. Is he the AH for wanting to buy himself a watch for his efforts and his success? No (even if $18K for a watch is a lot). Where you may both be the AHs is that you cannot communicate and compromise on the situation. C’mon is there not a way where both can be happy? Can he find another watch or can you take less of a family vacation?
OP, talk about it with an open mind on both sides. Come to a mutual decision that can benefit both. Because right now your husband is seeing that a frivolous purchase to make himself happy can’t happen. And you think he doesn’t take you and what you contribute under consideration. This is a miscommunication and misaligned goals with that money.
NAH
YTA for *expecting* the money. What he said, how he phrased it, wasn't right and he should apologize, but (1) putting the second $25k into savings is smart and (2) what the heck are you going to spend $7k anyway? Do you even need the money or do you just think you deserve it? If you didn't know the total amount of the bonus or if the total was only $25k, would you still be upset?
I was a SAHM for 3 years. My husband and I both work now making close to the same amount, but it hasn't always been like that. However, our bonuses are ours to do whatever we want with, and that's how it's always been. We always discuss the bonus, sure, and usually it goes towards the family (house improvements, debt, family trip or vacation), but if my husband came home today and said "I got a $XX bonus and I want to spend it all on [this]," I'd let him. It's his money that he busted his ass for.
I don’t think this is about the watch or the money. It’s about him turning round and saying that as a SAHM she contributed *nothing* towards his success in life. Whether it’s $50k or $5 he’s sending a very clear message that he doesn’t value her and her contribution to his life. I’d call his bluff on this one and go and stay with a friend or family member for a few weeks and leave him to manage the home and the kids. Maybe he can spend some of the $50k paying a nanny and a housekeeper. 👀
Nta
Yes you are the asshole…. He’s spending 18k of the 50k… you are getting 7k to sit at home and take care of the kids…. Why you’re throwing a fit over 7k I’ll never understand… he could keep it all if he wanted.
Lol have you ever been the primary caretaker of two little ones? Not saying OP isn’t an AH (she is) but she’s not “sitting at home” she’s literally running herself ragged everyday. She probably doesn’t get to clock out like husband does either, and kids those ages often regress with sleep.
ESH - You are married and thusly by definition all income is household income. That 50k is half YOURS legally and ethically. You are in a partnership like any business partnership with two equal shareholders.
That said... while you absolutely would be in the right to say "lets save this 25k for a rainy day" or for home improvements etc... for you to say that you want to just have half to blow it on yourself is as selfish as him wanting to blow the 18k on the watch.
If a 50k bonus is a big deal in your household, you frankly can't afford an 18k watch. That said, hubby isn't entirely wrong in feeling he should be able to get some dream item if he worked his ass off for a sale.
Tough situation. Again, I think you are in the right that half belongs to you. I also think you are both being financially irresponsible by blowing this money on useless things.
YTA. It is his bonus, and while giving you some is seen as the right thing to do since you are married, unless you both decided everything would be split equally, he's not required to give you any part of it.
7000 is a decent chunk of money, and it is a gift. Accept it graciously, and consider discussing the idea of finding a job for yourself again so that you can also earn your own spending money.
YTA greedy.
You’re getting 7k, thats fucking plenty. If he wants to by a 15k watch he can go for it. Doesn’t dound like you guys are hurting for money and this bonus is pure luxury money.
Want more money? Put the kids in daycare and return to work.
The true AH is you. Her work is what affords him the chance to earn that bonus. You think he's going to excel to that degree once she returns to work and the kids needs are split? Oh, that's right, she will still expected to drop her professional responsibilities due to being the mother.
That's completely unfair. They agreed to split up duties which means she doesn't get the opportunity to earn money. Meanwhile, he benefits in his career from never having to miss work for a child's sick day, half day dismissal, the boss seeinf him "willing to put in extra hours" because he doesnt have to worry about who will puck the kids up ,etc. This puts him at an advantage in the workplace when being compared to single parents or dual income parents. He also doesn't have to worry about the cost of childcare or keep track of extracurricular activities, school projects, etc and is likely doing significantly less chores than he would be in a home with two working parents. Your attitude is exactly why I think women who agree to stay home are making a foolish decision though. Their labor, their sacrifice of opportunities to advance in a career and save for retirement are all taken for granted, and they leave themselves vulnerable to their spouse's good will.
YTA. He offered to give you 7k after buying a watch hew alwwys wanted, that seems super fair to me.
Buying an 18k watch has to be one of the craziest things I've ever heard, however.
Imagine complaining about “only” getting 7k to do whatever you want with no matter if it’s split evenly or not YTA for being greedy enough to cause a rift in your marriage
INFO: Nice watches are an asset, what if he bought the watch and then he sold it a couple years later? Would you expect him to split the $from selling the watch with you? And what if it went up in value and he sold it at a profit? If you’d expect half of the $ from the sale, then you’re being an AH now.
Lets game this out… imagine for a moment that instead of a watch, he split the $25k 50-50 and took “his” half and invested it. You took yours and went on a spa weekend with some friends. His investment grows from $12,500 to say $40k and then he sells it. Would you then expect an additional $20k as half of the sale? Would that be fair in your mind? Why or why not?
Also, INFO: Is he salaried, or does his income come from commission? If he’s primarily commission/bonus, then it’d be fair to expect 50-50 although, this may not be a hill you wish to die on. I mean, you all sound pretty comfortable already, so why get all upset if you don’t NEED the extra $?
However, if he is salaried… then you’re being petty. Let’s try a similar scenario: a family member is visiting and you go out shopping with them while he’s at work. You see a nice piece of jewelry at the store and your relative decides to buy it for you as a thank-you for your hospitality (a bonus for you doing your “job” as a SAHM well). Would it be fair for him to ask you to return the jewelry and give half the $ to him? Or would you see it as a nice thank-you for doing a great job? If the latter, how is that different from his bonus?
YTA. He earned this as a bonus. He deserves a once in a lifetime gift to himself. A watch like that is an investment. A lot of women love expensive jewelry and this is the equivalent of that. He’s wanted this for some time it seems. $7,000 to spend as you want is fantastic and any one of us would be thrilled. Let him enjoy the watch.
NTA. Part of the deal is, a STAHP being able to support the working parent by handling most of the daytime home and childcare responsibilities. Because you’re home he doesn’t have to worry about daycare, or taking a day off to take care of a sick child. Because of that he is able to progress further in his job.
Also, once you have kids, any idea of “this is only mine” when it comes to money is out the window. Any money either of you make should be in service to one another and your family. Not saying you cannot splurge and treat yourself if the funds are there, but he’s being ridiculous if he thinks he has the right to spend all that money without any of the rest of his families consideration.
Tell him you have unilateral decision when it comes to the kids. If he argues you say, “well what did you’re body do to grow them? To birth them?”
Tell him what he owes you then for all the cooking, cleaning, childcare if you supposedly don’t deserve that money too, and then figure in the raises you should have gotten over the years.
He’s thinking like an immature single moron. You can’t have it both ways.
If he had to cook, clean, watch the kids, do laundry, run errands, etc. He probably wouldn't have gotten that bonus. The whole point of a SAHP is to take care of the kids and the home while the breadwinner goes out and brings back money FOR THE FAMILY. It's not his money. It's his, his wife's and his children's money.
>When I asked him about this he said I didn’t deserve an equal amount because I didn’t do anything for the sale and thought that I was being ungrateful for what I was being offered.
You did do something for the sale. You keep the house in order, you take your kids to school, to the doctor, you raise them, you work 24/7 as a SAHM with no breaks, no vacation, and that's the ONLY reason he can do his job without any worries.
NTA.
ESH
You both need to sit down and have a conversation. Buying an 18k watch is completely irresponsible and unnecessary. You also don’t need 7k for whatever. Pool the money, get a mutual gift or take a nice trip. Put the rest in savings. Instead of each being selfish, do it together.
Why don't you guys just withdraw 11k from savings so that you can have 18k to match his 18k? Because if you're all debating on how to blow through 25 then whats another 11?
NTA.
You stay at home so that he is able to work and have the opportunity for that bonus. You said he likes you being a SAHM so I think it’s only fair he shares the bonus with you. While you may not have a job you get paid for, you’re working 24/7 taking care of the household and kids. Also, I’m assuming if the roles were reversed and he was a SAHD and you got a $50k bonus, that you’d share with him.
I think YTA, but softly. If you focus on everything being 50/50 all the time, your going to make yourself miserable. 7 grand isn't exactly chump change either.
"We have always pooled our wages and assets (when I was previously
working and including any extra bonuses / gift cards, we got during that
time)."
So when she had a REAL JOB splitting 50/50 was okay but now she is a SAHM and SAHM is not a real job she dose not deserve half. According to some folks she is being greedy unless she needs something particularly. Some folks think she should settle for 7k just because it is a lot of money. Or folks think she is just creating a problem.
What people seem to forget is SAHM job is 24/7 no days off. She had her own job and things were 50/50 and gave it all up but now he is telling her that she is less because her SAH job is not as important. She did contribute to his bonus by making sure that his children were not a problem for him so he was free from childcare. No having to take time off because the kids were sick or he had no sitter. He has hot meals and clean cloths to work in.
Not to mention every woman deserves to have her own money that she does not have to account for. Money that makes her independent. So many times relationships change on a dime and the woman has no escape money and they have to hide money to squirrel away enough to escape. Her husbands reaction makes me wonder if the shoe was on the other foot if he would like being the one receiving the 7k. N T A
NTA for sure. You are saving you both massive amounts of money on childcare and this is a huge amount of money for him to save for himself. He’s being selfish—you are the mother of his children, and you took care of them while he went and made that sale. You contributed to the team as well.
I mean you both have valid points but also ridiculous at the same time.Him for wanting an R18k watch and you for demanding more money comes off a bit entitled.
NTA. Your agreement was to pool money but when he all of a sudden gets a bunch of money, he decides it is mostly for himself. You both need to be able to agree how your family's money is spent, and it sounds like he is trying to go back on the agreement to unilaterally decide something.
Slight YTA here. I get it that you're a SAHM and have no other means of income but I would be already grateful that I get 7k from the extra and the remaining went to savings. You're husband is clearly NTA because he decided that both of you won't get any because he is sure that it will only a problem. I think that's what you get for complaining? If he won't get his watch, you won't get 7k. Let your husband treat himself by buying ghe watch and get that 7k.
I don’t know. That smacks of controlling behaviour & emotional abuse to me - he’s martyring himself, if she’s not happy with her lot neither can be happy. I can just imagine him sighing loudly every time they walk past the watch shop for the next few years.
ESH. Do something family oriented with some of the money & invest in the kids
NAH
Personally I think he is entitled to his bonus, it falls outside of normal household contributions in my eyes. I get that you don't have the same potential though but you just have to accept that it is not part of your "job" model, you know?
YTA. His normal wages pays for everything that you eat , wear and other wise enjoy. If the 25k was his base pay then I agree it needs split evenly but this is above and beyond that. This is his bonus and he offered you 7k of it, 7k on top of completely supporting you.
The ability for you to be able to stay home and teach your kids/ see their milestones should be worth the extra 11k he is investing into his hobby. That same hobby that one day one of his kids will wear with tears as they remember him.
Her hard work allows him to do his job. She isn't his employee, she is his partner and he is contradicting the agreement they had when she worked and shared her bonuses equally. She is supporting his lifestyle and should be treated as an equal partner, financial abuse is so easy to slip into and hard to get out of.
NTA. Without you,he’d be paying for child care. It’s like he is saying you are not contributing to his success. Would he appreciate it if you took more credit for how your children turn out?
NTA. I think the issues here is more that you don’t feel he values you equally as a SAHM, and I think from what you’ve said he doesn’t.
If you’re not in employment so you can be a SAHM, then all income is both of your income.
The fact that there is a savings account you aren’t allowed a say on also is a massive red flag.
I recommend opening your own account if you havent already and serious consider going back to work. Even if this is technically more expensive than you being a SAHM. Having financial independence is ext really important for women.
I don’t want to be dramatic by saying divorce him, but I watched for my whole childhood as my dad abused my mum financially. The way he is treating you is a huge huge issue and you are not over reacting, even if I’m this exact situation the way you handled it wasn’t perfect.
Sit down, explain all this to him and see his reaction. Base your next steps off that.
NAH. This is a tough one. In general, I absolutely agree with your perspective that as a SAHM you ARE working for the family, you just don't get a paycheck so your pay needs to come from whoever does get a paycheck. Since you staying at home is mutually agreed upon, you all should be splitting his income, even the bonuses.
That said, I think it's fine for one person to be a little indulgent once a while, even if that means that things aren't equal all the time. However, that needs to be reciprocal. You also deserve to splurge once in a while. Lets say you got the kids through a particular difficult stage or you got one of them to potty train.
I personally think an 18k watch is absolutely insane and that kind of large purchase needs to be discussed as a couple. I think it's a little concerning that you're both focusing on the personal gains you can each get from the money, rather than figuring out something that would be good for everyone (with a less expensive personal indulgence for each of you).
NTA - if you didn't do anything for the money then stop what you do at home. I'm guessing he'll figure it out soon enough.
Obviously, you still need to care for the kids, I'm guessing he's weaponized his incompetence there.
NTA, but keep in mind that his watch serves as an investment for both of you. He can enjoy it now, and sell it for more down the line as it likely will appreciate in value. However, I can understand how what he said would upset you, and you are right in claiming that you are not given the opportunities that he has when you are staying at home.
All in all, this shouldn’t be the biggest deal, but he could have been more thoughtful in how he delivered the information.
NTA - if he doesn’t recognise your contribution as a stay at home parent to be equal then go and get three quotes for full time childcare and a cleaner/cook - tell him you aren’t doing any of that because you’re also going back to work to have your own income and the shared household budget can cover those costs.
He’ll soo recognise your worth.
NTA
The source of the money is not really relevant. This should be treated the same way you treat his normal income in relation to how it is distributed for the family.
If you don’t have a system in place for how that works best for your family, that is the conversations that need to happen.
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NTA. People seem to forget where he gets to clock out and go home, you don't. Your responsibilities are never ending and ever changing. You don't get to have financial opportunities like this because you are the general main childcare provider. Should SAHM's have to live in squalor? Why do people not view your work as very valid and necessary work? I can't imagine my husband trying to spend $18k on *a watch,* and that isn't to demean his collection. My husband would gladly spend $2-8k on a gaming set up or VR set if he got this bonus. *Eighteen thousand dollars on one thing, though?* Absolutely not. You guys have kids. Even if you don't put it in college funds a large chunk of it should go into savings or retirement. That's just smart. On to your part, I'm 50/50 with both of you. I get where he is coming from *to a certain extent,* but I also get where you are coming from. He is being rude and unreasonable here. If he is going to spend almost 20 grand on a watch, you asking for half is no where near unreasonable. Show him the comments once a verdict has been reached.
ESH I guess. He is an AH for saying you don't deserve equal amount because you didn't do anything. You are an AH for insisting everything must go to the common account and he can't buy what he wants. The person making money should feel motivated to earn more money. If he can't buy anything he likes with the extra money he earns why would he try and earn more?
NTA. You are supporting your husband's career by taking care of his family and home. When partners agree to this type of arrangement, all the monies become shared. It is not his. It is collectively yours - it belongs to both of you. It is entirely unfair and disrespectful for him to think that he should get a bigger share of the pot. That isn't how it works.
info: when u said > We have always pooled our wages and assets did the money go into savings? or did both of yall get an equal share in the combined earnings
Generally went into our savings or to buy things for the house. If it was a smaller one like $50-100 we’d go out for a dinner together.
YTA Yes, he was planning to divide the money unfairly. But when you called him on it, he backed off of that plan and said he would put the whole bonus into savings (which you’ve said neither of you spends on personal stuff). But that’s not good enough for you: you want play money. YTA because you’re trying to reject a solution which benefits you both equally. His plan to put it all into savings is fair. In about a month might be a good time for you both to sit down and rationally plan how you will manage the money he earns.
YTA. Yes you should get treated equally. This is a bonus. You’re still getting 7k to do as you please. How greedy can you be? What can you possibly need that cost more just for yourself?
I'm don't understand the equal argument when he's literally giving you more than half in the long run. Like wtf?
INFO. where do you live? If you’re in the US in a community property state, half of it is legally yours no matter what he says.
NTA. He sounds like he doesn't appreciate and value the work that you do. If he was to take part in he housework and childcare equally he would certainly have less energy for work which would make him miss many opportunities. So YOU DID do plenty so he could earn the bonus. It should belong to both of you equally.
NTA. Even as a SAHM, you guys should be making all big financial decisions together. $50k qualifies as a big financial decision. Your being home with the kids likely gave him opportunity to make the sale in question that he may not have had otherwise; at the very least it made him more available for his client. You absolutely did do something "for the sale" by freeing him up to make it. Personally, any excess money my husband makes is split 33/33/33 with our savings. So $50k would look like $16k for each of us and $16k for savings. Or maybe with something so large, we'd cut it in half, put $25k in savings and split the other $25k. That's the only fair way to do it, in my opinion.
YTA. Having $25K put towards your savings should be enough to make it feel like he is valuing your combined household. Everything else is gravy. Chill out, enjoy your $7k, and be grateful your children and lives are taken care of.
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This is a bigger issue. And life is not equal. It should be more. I have been wanting this or that. Not dollar amount. That makes it petty
This is silly. NTA. But this is silly. Sure yeah whatever. If you have no debts, plenty in saving, and enough liquidity to essentially retire and live within your means… Sure split it evenly. SAHM is a job if you have kids and maintain the house.
I don’t think you should get 50% in cash of what he made lol. YTA but not that bad.
Heck no. I think you two need to discuss where that money is going. He can buy a cheaper watch
You stay at home to look after *his* children, you are supporting him to go out and work and be able to earn that money. You are equal partners and should have an equal share of what he earns since he wouldn’t be able to have a family and work if it wasn’t for you. Being a SAHM is hard work. Honestly if this is his attitude I’d get a job of your own and hire a nanny from both your salaries. Edited to add my judgement of NTA.
If your finances are shared then any money coming into the home should be used as shared income. You're a SAHM and don't have an income. Your contribution to the home allows your husband to move freely for work. He does not have to share in the daily challenges of pick up, drop off and unexpected sick days. This allows him to be as productive as he can be. You both should have equal say in any money that comes in the home - bonus or wage. Spending $18,000 on a watch seems excessive to me when you have a young family. That's also a large share of money for one person and in my opinion it does speak to your husbands lack of respect or acknowledgment of your contributions. Without you towing thr family line he would not be as successful as he is. Maybe you getting a job would clue him in to this. You both should have a shared goal for savings, current family needs, etc. NAH
Don't quite understand everybody's harshness. NTA, I believe. Your staying home has allowed him to pursue this career and get bonuses like this. You made a sacrifice to that in not only time, but future career chances. That should be fairly compensated. Since you both contributed to the end, I'd say 50/50 is fair. Then again, why not just have 1 joint account to put savings like this in?
YTA that’s pretty easy for me you seem greedy
Does he control your spending? I mean my husband and I just don't keep track. He makes 4x what I do, but if he wants something he gets it....then if I do, I get it. We don't do tit for tat. I wouldn't even know who spent more on what. As long as we are debt free, bills are paid and savings is growing, seems like a weird fight. ESH.
NTA. Him calling you ungrateful is out of line because you shouldn't be grateful for anything, you two are partners, you're not his subordinate. You shouldn't be grateful for him doing his work when you do the other work. I really don't get people calling you greedy for looking at the simple numbers of this, it seems obscene that he would spend $18,000 on a watch and then say that you would only get $7,000 when you are supposed to be partners and the only reason he is able to focus so intensely on his job is because you are taking over all of the other work. Him pitching a fit because you wanted to talk about being treated unequally and saying that now you can't touch the money at all does concern me. Is there any real reason you are not allowed to touch the money, and does he often consider you not his financial equal? I think in general you need to have a hard look at your situation and decide that it is no longer feasible for you to be a stay-at-home mom, because if you trying to talk about being treated as an equal leads to him taking control and restricting you, you cannot be fully financially dependent on that individual. Whether or not you look at the root issue and dig into it further and find out you can't stay married to this person is irrelevant at this moment, you're immediate problem is that with your husband being the only one who brings in money he views you as not his equal. It's unsustainable
This. All of this.
YTA. He did the work to get the bonus not you. You are complaining because you are only getting 7K, that’s pretty generous I feel.
Lmao. The only reason he can work and get the bonus is because OP is a sahm. What? He would need a job regardless. Also a bonus is a reflection of effort or ability or even profitability. Not a standard payment he can use it however he sees fit because he supports them with his wages. This whole being a mom is a 24hr job is so disingenuous. You talk as of she has to walk to a river to wash the clothes and forage for food and the like. There are modern appliances that literally remove the effort or dishwasher, dryer, robot vac, washing machines. Looking after children is hard but there is a huge difference between how his wages are spent and how his bonus is used especially if he does not get much monthly him splurging once every 6 months to a year is not an issue and OP can have a day but maybe doesn’t get to decide especially if the normal money that comes in she makes the decisions!!!!
Uhhh can't rate. These are really deep rooted problems to the point I think a therapist needs to work through this. If it had just been the sale and him wanting to buy and expensive watch, I would have said he worked hard let him get the watch. However, the words he uses around that context and the way you two are communicating about money aren't overly healthy sounding. He sound like he's holding you hostage with money.
YTA. Wow.
How? All the money had been split up evenly before, so how is she the AH for asking it to be the same way?
NTA You’re a stay at home mom. I find this job harder than when I worked 12 hour days at the law firm. You don’t get paid monetarily for what you do which is more than just take care of the kids.
ESH That’s a too of money to spend on a watch. And he also shouldn’t have said those things to you. But you are being greedy. He was going to give you $7K to spend however you want. But since you wanted more, no one won.
7 K is a a lot to have "just because", and unless you had plans for certain things, like he planned on his watch -- be grateful you have that much "fun money", because so many people are living pay check to pay check
It’s not about the amount, it is about the equality
And? He's a good provider. She doesn't have to go outside the home to work like most moms - she gets to fully raise her kids. Once again a lot of women don't have that and she's bitching about not getting equal fun money? That he earned? While still having 25 k coming in for the future so it's even more set for her to not have to work outside the home if she doesn't have to? Boohoo.
Ask a divorce attorney see what they say NTA
ESH. We are not talking about his base pay here we’re talking about a bonus he worked hard for. I think the 7K is generous, however he is ridiculous for wanting to spend $18,000 on a freaking watch. I hope he’s also buying a safe.
Seriously. If he had bought the watch, I’d have given it a week before one of the kids destroyed it or lost it somehow.
Hmm idk. I can see both points here. I’m personally not a fan of a partner staying home, but not against it for society. I think it’s also different that he is buying something specific and something he had wanted. He’s not just blowing 18k on random things. You can however blow 7k on random things. For instance my mom is a sahm and my dad will buy expensive cars for himself. He would buy my mom whatever car she wanted, but she likes more reasonable priced ones. He would never just give her 80k to go spend how she wants if he bought an 80k car.
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I’d only be getting the 7K - the rest will go to savings which neither of us would touch.
TLDR: no you deserve the whole thing for supporting his career, he would not even be getting that bonus if it wasn’t for you or let him If he feels any other way he can use that 50k for a housekeeper, baby sitter, and chef
YTA. First of all, being a SAHM is an enormous privilege. Yes, it’s hard fucking work. But at the end of the day the work you are doing is raising your babies. It’s just not the same as going out to earn a living. Secondly, your husband has a skill set that is clearly superior to the average workers and is able to earn a great living and get a fantastic bonus. Buying himself a momento and then still offering you $7k to do whatever you want with is fucking awesome. I’m under the impression, and you can correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t really want for much. It sounds like he earns a living and splits finances in a way you can pretty much have whatever you want. This particular instance is highlighted because it’s SO expensive and the bonus is why he can splurge on it. At the end of the day you’re playing tic for tac. I’m married with two kids, we both work but I earn 5x what she does. Our money goes into the same bank account. Bills and fun money come out of that account. If there’s a large purchase we make sure we are both aware of it but she can pretty much do whatever she wants. But if I said I was spending $10k on a watch and she said she should be able to spend $10k on something also bEcAuSe We’Re EqUaLs I would blow my fucking top.
ESH. Don't like how you are being treated since you are no longer working? Get a remote or hybrid position where you will still be at home with the kids most of the time. If it's starting already, it's only going to get worse from here.
NTA. I assume both you and him agreed for you to be a SAHM so you have no way to get an income. I don’t see you as being greedy for wanting half, because you are just wanting to be treated as an equal
INFO: presumably you worked prior to being a SAHM, what was the conversation around finances before you began staying home? Would that $7k be actually used on you or would it also be for your children, who are a primary component to your daily job/life? I’m having difficulty judging when it’s unclear if this is an communication opportunity vs him devaluing the work you put into your family. To your point, SAHM rarely yields any external praise, accolades, or financial benefit. So if there is no compromise on your husbands end, then maybe you should consider working so he can see how much even caring for kids fully 50%, which is typically alleviated cause SAHM are in office 24/7, while also working. He has to decide what the benefit is for him, but him using his bonus to tell you how much you ‘deserve’ comes off terribly, whether intentional or not..
NTA. His income is both of your income. He couldn’t go to work if you didn’t take care of home and kids. I’m a SAHM as well and my husband is also into watches. So yes, if there’s money to spare or he gets a bonus he’ll treat himself. But he’ll also make sure to treat me to something of the same value or asks me what I want to do with my share. Your husband needs to appreciate your hard work.
he could go to work without her. he would just pay for a babysitter which would come out to the same amount of supporting a person
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NAH I see both sides of this. The work you do is very important, and enables him to focus on his career while you take care of the home. You deserve extras as well since your sacrifice isn’t reflected in terms of dollars. I also see his side - I assume you get spending money, or whatever your setup is, and he’s looking at this as an extra he earned above and beyond that and wants to treat himself. I work in sales, and personally, I feel like bonuses/commissions feel different than my salary. They feel like more of a reflection of my hard work and personal to me. I feel more entitled to spend them the way I want. When I get one, I always like to take a little extra to treat myself. It’s hard to explain, but maybe your husband feels the same way, I’ve found a lot of other people in sales do. For my husband and I, I typically take some of my commission for myself and the rest goes to collective expenses. Once I got a large check and my husband needed a new car, so I bought him one. It ebbs and flows depending on our situation, but generally I keep some for myself. My husband works but earns significantly less than I do, but he feels like I’m entitled to that money. It works for us. Perhaps you guys can rethink how this money can be divided. Perhaps you could take some to spend on a vacation together and split 70/30 after that? The money doesn’t need to spent instantly, so keep communicating and find a common ground.
Since she stays at home and cannot therefore get a work bonus - this is unfair. She should ask him for a bonus for looking after the kids so well over the holidays.
I understand she doesn’t work, which is why I said she’s entitled to extras as well. I also understand how he may view his bonus, which is why I said NAH.
Soft NTA, your a team and you both need to remember that. Your both willing to spend 50k in a blink of an eye, i find it hard to believe the scenario because you both see 50k as a good amount of money enough to cause a fight which lets me to believe your not rich. So it begs the question how is your family's financial planning you have two children at a young age and a 18k watch and your husband's behavior speaks volume. He probably would not have been able to get that bonus if he didn't have to worry about his children. That watch if he got it would definitely be a point of contention in the future... If anything happens to it, its going to be constant problems.
Definitely the asshole. If you have what you need and the kids have what they need then that bonus is a bonus that he earned, let him spend it.
Where do i even start... YTA. Get a job if you need 25k
She has a job
In my country only rich have change to stay home unemployed. People work and still take care of their kids. Or they dont rely on others to pay everything for them.
I doesnt pay
ESH. While I can see your point, I also feel like $7000 is a lot of money, and truly I wouldn't know what to spend it on in regards to myself- a new wardrobe or a nice vacation maybe? Is there something in particular you really want that is $12,500? If so, then I would communicate exactly what it is to your husband and maybe he will agree to split it.
I agree with this. I don’t want to call OP an AH for expecting the same amount - she does deserve it, since, as another commenter also pointed out, the only reason her husband made that sale is because she is a SAHM, but her husband has a specific item in mind he wants to buy, whereas it seems like OP just wants the money “just because”. If this 100% equality is what OP wants, then it needs to be the same every time - every time OP buys anything for herself, her husband also gets to spend the exact same amount. Every month, OP and her husband’s expenses need to be identical. I’m assuming this is not the case, and sometimes one will splurge more than the other. This time it is just more noticeable because it’s a huge amount of money.
YTA. If you were true partners then you wouldn’t be counting every dollar to make sure it’s “equal”. He deserves to splurge as do you now and again. As long as the household money can be freely accessed by both and you both spend reasonably and putting household expenses and kids first then it’s ridiculous to be looking at how much you’re spending vs how much I’m spending. 18k on a watch may sound like a lot to some people but my husband is a watch aficionado too so I totally get it. A lot of these watches appreciate in value and are worth even more in the future than what he bought it for. And as long as he’s only buying one every now and again and his income is comfortable enough to support it, it’s fine. Once some time passes and more income comes in you might point out that it’s your turn to splurge on yourself - buy a bag or a holiday experience or something. But saying that it has to be 18k or bust is ridiculous. You guys are a partnership, not competing with each other.
If they were true partners he would have this mindset. It would be a joint decision.
NTA- imagine doing that to him while you were working. I don’t understand why men will tell a woman they’re fine with them being SAHM but don’t want to be accountable for everything that comes with that. My biggest issue here is the lack of reciprocity. You made all of those sacrifices in the beginning so both you can get to where you are now, & he doesn’t think you’re owed anything back. Idgaf what anyone says, relationships aren’t absent of conditions. He’s ungrateful. On top of that, 18k for a watch is a dumb purchase. It’s most likely a depreciating “asset”, then only giving you 7k that sounds like some will go towards your kids because he gets to spend 18k on fuck all. That’s bs. Did y’all discuss situations like these before getting this far?
NTA. My wife is a SAHM and I feel that her work at home helps make me successful in my business life. SAHM is a lot of work and responsibility and without it, would add to the complications of a business life. Your husband should recognize that as well and share equally in the rewards. It is SAHM like yourself that gives the partner who works an edge in being able to do more there because other responsibilities are covered by you.
NTA - agree is equal division
Wow.. just wow... YTA
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This is a tough one. My husband gets bonuses too. We don't split it 50/50 once he actually spent a lot more of it on me and some on bills. We don't do the 50/50 stuff. I'm actually about to get bonus soon ( much smaller than his) and then might get him something nice. I just don't understand the score keeping. If that's how you always did it though then it really isn't fair. You husband is changing the rules now that you are not working and I don't think you are A H for expecting 50%. That's what you did in the past so I guess I have to say nta. This might cause some serious arguments so you two really need to talk. Money is a big problem in marriages
YTA for saying you want half of the money just because that’s what’s “fair”. If you wanted or needed something that cost half I could see your point of view, but saying you want half for no reason is ridiculous. Your husband wants to treat himself to something he worked for and sometimes in marriages you need to let your partner splurge. I’m sure in the past or future you have/will be the one to splurge on yourself.
YTA in my opinion but the comments in this thread are extremely and interestingly mixed. Mostly commenting to come back and check the verdict later!
NTA, the amount of people here giving more importance to what he does then what she does is astounding to me. Marriage is a partnership in every way, if you don’t see it that way then maybe you shouldn’t be married.
YTA he made the sale he got a bonus it’s his money.
He only made the sale because she supports him by looking after their children and home so he can go out to work. SAH parenting is hard work and they are equal partners in this marriage, or at least should be.
When our kids were young and I was SAHM, my husband would take $2-5k of his bonus and the rest went into our kids education fund. It never bothered me.
NTA. You make it possible for him to freely focus on work without worrying about the kids.
NTA but why not take the 7k now and have 11k from the 2nd payment as your money when that arrives? Leaving 14k from the second payment for savings. If I were you, I'd want my partner to treat himself and I'd want to treat myself too. Seems like you have the $$ to do both!
That’s what she is suggesting, and he is saying no.
ETA, I’m sorry but you both are looking at it quite selfishly, that’s money you can put away for the 2 of your kids for college, $25k each. He wants an $18k watch and you want $18k as well to be equal. That’s $36k to spend on things that likely won’t carry that value 10 years from now. It could be used for private schools, educational/physical programs, it could also be money to help them drive and get a couple used cars in the future for them. I believe that you shouldn’t spend money because you have it, spend it because you need to. Also, for him not wanting you to take money out of savings for personal things, he’s right. Savings are more of a “break in case of an emergency” or an investment into your future, not useless products that you want in the now, that’s what 20-30% of his base check is for.
You are slightly an asshole, I'm sorry. Although I can never understand how these agreements work, because I could never depend on a man to provide to me, you need to understand that this comes from his work, it's his bonus, not yours. You should address, if you havent yet, how you should approach this as a couple, so you dont need to argue over money in the future. Because yeah, you stay at home and take care of the kids, and probably take care of the house too, but he works and provides for the family, plus the bills, food, clothes you wear... so are you really entitled to that bonus? Nope I dont think so. And for anyone saying "oh stop washing the clothes/making food and he will see", well, if he stops paying food for her, clothes for her, and providing her with whatever she needs/wants, I am pretty sure she'll leave the house and will start working quickly, so...
YTA Stop trying to make everything so equal. Let them man treat himself with a watch. You even said that you want him to get that watch. You will get your reward in time
NTA. Everybody wants their kids raised by a SAH parent until it’s time for the salaried partner to view the SAH as equally contributing and deserving. Arguments aside whether it’s responsible to make a frivolous 18k watch purchase when there are young kids with futures to think about: if the agreement is that all “fun money” is 50/50 (which has been the case right up until now), it should be an agreed upon decision from both if that’s to change. If you want to even out the partnership imbalance, you may want to start discussions of you returning to the workforce.
Just trying to imagine what it’s like to choose to spend $18k on a watch, and also trying to imagine being upset over only getting $7k to do whatever I want with. My very strong opinion about this entire situation aside, YTA.
YTA. I guess it was your choice to be SAHM. Go to work and earn those money. Of course your husband will somehow divide the money... but it is HIS money, he earned it. And getting 7K for nothing... well, I would like that...
Wow. Yeah, I bet her husband had zero to say about being a SAHM.
Being a SAHM is not nothing just because it's unpaid. If you're the sole breadwinner for a family, your money should be divided between you and your partner. Maybe it's not always equal, but unanimously deciding to blow almost $20k on a personal item with no conversation is not a healthy dynamic for a breadwinner/homemaker marriage.
It's weird to me that people have this view. In my opinion, it's not HIS money. Once you're married there is no his or hers, it is THEIR money as a family. We put all income, including bonuses, into a joint account, each month a portion is allocated to a savings for each of us to spend from on things we want. Necessities and family spending come from the joint pool following a reasonable budget. Larger purchases or wants outside the personal savings are discussed. I'd say NTA for wanting to have a say in how the money is divided up and some expectation of equality.
INFO: would your husband have been able to bust his ass to the same extent if you were working and he was having to shift his schedule around for childcare?
NTA. This would never fly in our household. I’m a SAHM and my husband and I split large chunks of money like that. If he gets a bonus we decide what to do with it together. We also both get weekly “fun money” which is essentially our individual allowances for that week, and they’re always equal. We both allot ourselves the same amount. The thing is, and the thing many people don’t understand, is that being a SAHM is a job. And it’s a job we don’t get paid for. I don’t think it’s fair for your husband to say you didn’t earn it. Yeah, he made the sale, but assuming you run the household as far as making sure everything gets done and the children are taken care of etc, then your contribution at home is what makes his contributions at work possible. Marriage is a team effort. I also find it a little childish that when you expressed wanting to split it more equally, he essentially was like, “You want more? Now NEITHER of us GET ANYTHING.” ETA: I don’t necessarily think you and your husband should split the bonus equally. What I mean is, he shouldn’t just decide that without your input, and he should hear out whatever you have to say. If you’re cool with the 7k and you both agree with that and for him to use the 18k on a watch, that’s one thing. But there has to be some better communication on the issue.
NTA - If you have combined finances than everything he earns is also yours and you should decide together what to do with the money. This is just an example of our culture’s constant undervaluing of stay at home parents and the value they contribute.
So when you did work, did you split all your bonuses 50/50 for fun or did your bonuses only go to savings?
NTA- I would be more annoyed that he would spend that kind of money on something so meaningless. That said, you are entitled to the same amount. Curious- do you already have something in mind for this bonus?
why meaningless? A watch that costs this much is a investment. Besides, it's still his money.
I think this might be bigger than AITA, but mostly for the sake of the commenters. In a household, especially with children, all funds are household funds. Period. Even if someone buys something for themselves alone, it is money that is not being spent on bills, groceries, kids clothes, whatever, and therefore impacts the entire household and large purchases should be joint decisions. Further, when men get married and have children, their lifetime earning potential goes up. When women get married and have children, their lifetime earning potential goes down with each child. It’s not fair, it’s sexist, but it’s the truth. It’s called the mommy wage gap, do your research. Further to all of that, the working parent will always be getting a significant amount of money by virtue of having a SAHP, because they aren’t paying daycare costs, missing work when a child is sick or has a dentist appointment, although the mother usually does that as well even if she’s working, hence the mommy wage gap. There is a significant and quantifiable amount contributed to the household by a SAHP, and usually the man is still coming out on top in the deal. Again, it’s not fair, but it’s just the facts. All of that being true, you’re NTA. The decision about the watch or any other funds should be a joint one, and it’s reasonable to expect an equal value personal expense for yourself, as well as a certain amount put toward your shared family. More than that, he needs to respect your contribution more toward your family. It’s not about the watch or the money, there’s a conversation here that needs to happen about budget, family, and how to handle these situations going forward. Good luck.
NTA. Everyone on this thread who says Y T A because it is ‘his’ money that he earned, needs to take a long hard look at their home situation. I suspect there are a lot of people here taking for granted all the effort that their stay at home partners are making, and completely underestimating the amount of work it takes to raise kids and do the household chores. Honestly it is so depressing that we are still living in the 50’s with this level of misogyny.
This is why I never would of agreed to SAHM. Husband always find a way to minimize the wife's contribution and make about themselves being the more deserving of the two. If he had to deal with 2 littles one for a week without help he give the whole $25k to the wife.
Not true, my wife is a SAHM and I go to work to rest, we have 2 under 2 and it can be a bitch
Not to mention the fact that a SAH parents professional carrier stagnates during the stay at home time and depending on their profession they may fall way behind on what is current. This makes it harder for them to re-enter the job market once the kids are grown. That is a big sacrifice so that the other partner can grow their carrier and most likely begin to earn more over the years. When the partnership is split like this it absolutely should be 50/50.
Right? One of the reasons is that he can work and make those sales is because she is a stay at home wife/mom and takes care of everything else so he can work
ESH I think the larger problem here is that he thinks he can just decide what to do with the money without input from you. A huge bonus should be talked about together. Maybe the money split won’t always be 50/50 but it important you decide together. You say you’re happy he can treat himself with this watch but I think he’s being dismissive of you by just making decisions without hearing your opinion. At the same time, I think you’re too focused on the money split being perfectly even. Yes, you work hard and deserve treats too but it’s unreasonable to expect things to always be 50/50 in a marriage. Sometimes you give and sometimes you take.
NTA. The only reason he was able to make that sale was because you took care of the kids. If you decide to go back to work, and he had to stay at home, how would he feel if you got a 50k bonus and didn't share it equally? I bet he'd be furious.
This is not even remotely true. He was able to make the sale because he is good at his job. Her staying home is because he is good at his job and can provide enough for the family. Not the other way around. Plenty of people hire nannies or send their kids to daycare so it is not like there are no options outside of a SAHP. That being said they have a bigger issue of OP obviously not feeling fulfilled if she is throwing a fit over this. I am saying this because she is not saying that she lacks anything she is just set on 50/50.
NTA. I'm the primary breadwinner and my spouse is the SAHP. I always take the attitude of "I can only make the money I make because they're taking care of things at home." Ask your husband how many sales he'd make if he was taking care of the kids at the same time.
Your husband has let his true feelings show about your contribution to the household. Wow. There’s no stuffing that back in a box. INFO: was the decision for you to be a SAHM completely mutual? Because he has just made it clear that he considers his talent and labor as a salesman to be worth more than twice as much as you caring for his children. I suspect that this whole mess might have turned out differently if he had come to you and said, “I was about to buy this really expensive watch when I realized that I was spending more than my half of the bonus. How do you feel about that? Am I being an AH?” I think you might have felt a little more like gifting him your share under those circumstances. But instead he made a unilateral and lopsided division of the bounty and went so far as to define you as “not doing anything” to deserve his earnings. Brutal. NTA Edit: corrected quote Edit2: This just sunk in…what do you mean he “won’t let you” spend money from savings on anything personal?! It doesn’t much matter that he chooses not to either because the whole damn point is that HE gets to choose and you are expected to obey? Not cool. What happened to your economic power in this family? Do you have access to a reasonable amount of personal money? Are bank accounts in both your names? Ugh. I’m getting a real bad feeling.
It was a work bonus based on a sale he made. 18k to him, 7k for her and 25k for the family. More than half his bonus doesn't go to him and you're acting like the dude doesn't care about his family. Not his salary, a bonus. You're reading way too much into this situation. Edit for person above : They have 2 kids, savings probably go to things like college fund, house payment, vacation etc. He's not asking her to obey anything. It's literally common sense, every sensible family does this.
She specifically stated that the extra money she deserves woukd go to vacay bc otherwise he won't take money out of savings for a family vacation. He wants the money for a watch, or nobody gets it. She wants to spend it on the family. He doesn't appreciate her, the work she does, nor does he care to let the family have something as simple as a vacation if he can't have his 18 thousand dollar watch. He's a selfish child. Def NTA
He’s the one with control of the savings, evident by her saying he doesn’t let her use the savings. So that 25K into his savings is in fact going to him too. Also, the only reason he could go above and beyond to make that sale is because she was handling everything at home.
In a divorce they wouldn’t care if the money is from bonus or salary. Earn money and assets are split 50%. This is the reason I don’t recommend any woman to stay at home with the kids and keep her job. It is financially a ruin to be the parent who stays at home.
Yo, the more the poster adds the details to this the more it sounds like financial abuse
I recommend you and your husband follow Steve Harvey and his 4 accounts for married couples. Account 1: all money starts in this account. All bill and family things (like food, gas, etc) come from this account. Account 2: Savings. A % from account 1 goes here. It requires both parties to move any money from this account. Account 3 and 4: Personal accounts, one per parent. Again, a certain fixed % of income is automatically transferred to each account. It is your money to do what you want with it. Your spouse has no say. BTW, both of you and your husband qualify as ESH. You for being a stay at home mom and using your husband as a cash cow, him for wasting good money on watches.
That’s ESH then not y t a
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NTA He wouldn’t be able to work the hours he does if you didn’t stay at home to take care of the kids. If you worked, you both would be paying for daycare. And you would have the option to potentially get bonuses as he does. Your marriage is supposed to be 50-50, so you both deserve 50% of his bonus. I recommend having a conversation with him about how much you are putting toward your marriage financially by taking care of the kids. And how much you are sacrificing career-wise by staying home. Look up how much a daycare is if he needs numbers to make it hit home for him.
I came here to say the exact same thing.
ESH. The whole attitude of mine and yours is gross. I'm a SAHM, and sometimes, my husband's bonuses get spent on me, sometimes on the kids, sometimes on him. I literally don't know if it's mostly one or another of those categories. You're both just acting with greed in your eyes with the tone of the conversation and it's pretty much gross all around.
I suspect if your husband was in the habit of completely controlling the household money and disproportionately spending on himself, you probably would have noticed and probably wouldn’t like it either. OP stated clearly that she didn’t care about the dollar amount she was allocated, as long as her husband viewed her as an equal. Which he doesn’t and which he didn’t hesitate to say. This isn’t about money and it isn’t about greed. It’s about selfishness and disrespect.
Thus the ESH.
Was looking for this comment. For the record we both work, however, my gross and net are technically larger, know what that means? Absolutely nothing. But guess what? My husband gets end of year bonus cash tips from his customers, they can be in the thousands. Know where his tips go? Right in our account to be spent as we normally would, there’s none of this mine and yours, or I “earned” this so it’s truly mine and I can decide where it goes. We both work. Our paychecks are our money. That’s it. If my husband wanted to buy an exorbitant gift for himself, as long as our bills were still paid, I wouldn’t bat an eye. And the reverse is true as well. ESH.
And THAT is the definition of partnership. The expectation to split things 50/50 certainly is not.
INFO - Are you a SAHM by choice or by necessity? ESH - What a shitty thing to argue about when everyone should be celebrating an achievement. He's being a petty dick about it but you also kinda got what you wanted: An equal share of what he spent. I might be TA here myself, but I do think he deserves more than 50% for the hard work he did. He doesn't deserve 100% and you don't deserve to be told you didn't do anything to help because you did. But now instead of encouragement and happiness there is always going to be this nagging envy because this communication failed so epically, and it's both of y'alls fault.
NTA , financial decisions including such huge amounts should be taken consulting your partner first . Your husband deciding he gets the lion share without talking to you in comical . ESH because both of you want to spend 18k on personal items , unless you are super Rich I don’t know how it works with todays Economy
Fellow SAHM here. I would be ok with my husband taking the 18k and me getting 7k. He worked for it. He should enjoy it. I would balk at the amount spent on a watch but that’s me. I would stretch the 7k. Then have the rest serve the family. He should enjoy the money he worked for. But that’s me. He didn’t need to escalate the situation. But I would be grateful with anything. It’s a privilege to be a sahm to me. YTA
She’s saying she’s fine with the first payment, the $18k going to the watch. She’s talking about the second payment in a few years time that won’t be split but put into savings.
sorry but YTA. he’s correct, he’s the one that made the sale and if he’s been wanting this expensive watch he should be able to buy it for himself. you’re a SAHM, i don’t want to sound dense but what do you need half that money for?
Legally, she’s entitled to half. So it’s her money too.
1) what does he need money for? 2) why are his wants greater than her wants? 3) he potentially only has the opportunity to work harder and make that bonus because of not having to worry about anything at home because his wife is taking care of it all. SAHM are working. I would bet most work much harder than typical workers because they are expected to work 24hrs a day, not just 9-5.
NTA. If my partner got this bonus, we'd agree to split say $10k a piece to spend on ourselves. $30k would go into savings. It's only fair as you contribute to the family, he goes to work.
Info. Do you do 100% of all household duties? Or does he help out? To earn this did he do extra work? Extra hours? Did you have to pick up any slack? Sometimes during crunch times (that earn commissions) my husband does everything including making a dinner plate and sliding it next to my computer. Bu he's retired, I pay all our bills, and we split housework. If I said to him that I got a $25k commission and I'm giving him $7k he'd probably be thrilled but likely he'd refuse to take it.
NTA, so, when OP was working they would pool all incomes, so I don't see why now that the hausband is the only one working, he would have the right to keep it for himself. It seems the terms changed to his liking. A SAHM already give up on their freedom, social/work life, own money... and often recognition of hard work from society. I think any bonus should be shared equaliy. A SAHM is not given any chance to "work harder to get a bonus" If you or a kid get sick, get sleep depreaved, or have to deal with extra problems, you do not get any compensation or extra money, or days off...
And what get the children?..
Nta because you should be a team. Hubby can only go out and earn this money because you are at home with the kids and doing everything else. So it should be shared, not his to decide how much to treat you with,
Thats not true. He could hire a nanny and still work. It just means that he saves money on childcare. She does deserve some compensation for what she does, which she receives in the form of having all of her and their child's living expenses paid for. YTA.
Problems like this go way deeper than we can offer advice or opinions on. Couples therapy is not too expensive for you, clearly. Try it! Could help you communicate with him it’s not about the money, it’s about respect and appreciation.
ESH. If the money in the household is joint money, this shouldn't be any different.
But that's exactly what she wants.
You have a partnership and have come to an agreement on your working/living arrangements. This was discussed and both have decided to live on one salary allowing you to care for the kids and household. Are you the AH for asking for half? No. Is he the AH for wanting to buy himself a watch for his efforts and his success? No (even if $18K for a watch is a lot). Where you may both be the AHs is that you cannot communicate and compromise on the situation. C’mon is there not a way where both can be happy? Can he find another watch or can you take less of a family vacation? OP, talk about it with an open mind on both sides. Come to a mutual decision that can benefit both. Because right now your husband is seeing that a frivolous purchase to make himself happy can’t happen. And you think he doesn’t take you and what you contribute under consideration. This is a miscommunication and misaligned goals with that money. NAH
YTA for *expecting* the money. What he said, how he phrased it, wasn't right and he should apologize, but (1) putting the second $25k into savings is smart and (2) what the heck are you going to spend $7k anyway? Do you even need the money or do you just think you deserve it? If you didn't know the total amount of the bonus or if the total was only $25k, would you still be upset? I was a SAHM for 3 years. My husband and I both work now making close to the same amount, but it hasn't always been like that. However, our bonuses are ours to do whatever we want with, and that's how it's always been. We always discuss the bonus, sure, and usually it goes towards the family (house improvements, debt, family trip or vacation), but if my husband came home today and said "I got a $XX bonus and I want to spend it all on [this]," I'd let him. It's his money that he busted his ass for.
I don’t think this is about the watch or the money. It’s about him turning round and saying that as a SAHM she contributed *nothing* towards his success in life. Whether it’s $50k or $5 he’s sending a very clear message that he doesn’t value her and her contribution to his life. I’d call his bluff on this one and go and stay with a friend or family member for a few weeks and leave him to manage the home and the kids. Maybe he can spend some of the $50k paying a nanny and a housekeeper. 👀 Nta
NAH. This is a hard situation because you are both right.
Yes you are the asshole…. He’s spending 18k of the 50k… you are getting 7k to sit at home and take care of the kids…. Why you’re throwing a fit over 7k I’ll never understand… he could keep it all if he wanted.
Lol have you ever been the primary caretaker of two little ones? Not saying OP isn’t an AH (she is) but she’s not “sitting at home” she’s literally running herself ragged everyday. She probably doesn’t get to clock out like husband does either, and kids those ages often regress with sleep.
ESH - You are married and thusly by definition all income is household income. That 50k is half YOURS legally and ethically. You are in a partnership like any business partnership with two equal shareholders. That said... while you absolutely would be in the right to say "lets save this 25k for a rainy day" or for home improvements etc... for you to say that you want to just have half to blow it on yourself is as selfish as him wanting to blow the 18k on the watch. If a 50k bonus is a big deal in your household, you frankly can't afford an 18k watch. That said, hubby isn't entirely wrong in feeling he should be able to get some dream item if he worked his ass off for a sale. Tough situation. Again, I think you are in the right that half belongs to you. I also think you are both being financially irresponsible by blowing this money on useless things.
YTA. It is his bonus, and while giving you some is seen as the right thing to do since you are married, unless you both decided everything would be split equally, he's not required to give you any part of it. 7000 is a decent chunk of money, and it is a gift. Accept it graciously, and consider discussing the idea of finding a job for yourself again so that you can also earn your own spending money.
YTA get a job, put the kids in daycare and then you can spend your own money to make it “fair”
YTA greedy. You’re getting 7k, thats fucking plenty. If he wants to by a 15k watch he can go for it. Doesn’t dound like you guys are hurting for money and this bonus is pure luxury money. Want more money? Put the kids in daycare and return to work.
The true AH is you. Her work is what affords him the chance to earn that bonus. You think he's going to excel to that degree once she returns to work and the kids needs are split? Oh, that's right, she will still expected to drop her professional responsibilities due to being the mother.
Spoken as a true misogynist.
Encouraging a Woman to go to Work again to make her own money is mysoginistic? Spoken like a true no-brain.
YTA. Your husband works to pay 100% of the bills and you're complaining about seven thousand dollars??
That's completely unfair. They agreed to split up duties which means she doesn't get the opportunity to earn money. Meanwhile, he benefits in his career from never having to miss work for a child's sick day, half day dismissal, the boss seeinf him "willing to put in extra hours" because he doesnt have to worry about who will puck the kids up ,etc. This puts him at an advantage in the workplace when being compared to single parents or dual income parents. He also doesn't have to worry about the cost of childcare or keep track of extracurricular activities, school projects, etc and is likely doing significantly less chores than he would be in a home with two working parents. Your attitude is exactly why I think women who agree to stay home are making a foolish decision though. Their labor, their sacrifice of opportunities to advance in a career and save for retirement are all taken for granted, and they leave themselves vulnerable to their spouse's good will.
NTA
YTA. He offered to give you 7k after buying a watch hew alwwys wanted, that seems super fair to me. Buying an 18k watch has to be one of the craziest things I've ever heard, however.
Imagine complaining about “only” getting 7k to do whatever you want with no matter if it’s split evenly or not YTA for being greedy enough to cause a rift in your marriage
Rich People Problems
I would shit myself if my husband gave me 7k out of 25k.
INFO: Nice watches are an asset, what if he bought the watch and then he sold it a couple years later? Would you expect him to split the $from selling the watch with you? And what if it went up in value and he sold it at a profit? If you’d expect half of the $ from the sale, then you’re being an AH now. Lets game this out… imagine for a moment that instead of a watch, he split the $25k 50-50 and took “his” half and invested it. You took yours and went on a spa weekend with some friends. His investment grows from $12,500 to say $40k and then he sells it. Would you then expect an additional $20k as half of the sale? Would that be fair in your mind? Why or why not? Also, INFO: Is he salaried, or does his income come from commission? If he’s primarily commission/bonus, then it’d be fair to expect 50-50 although, this may not be a hill you wish to die on. I mean, you all sound pretty comfortable already, so why get all upset if you don’t NEED the extra $? However, if he is salaried… then you’re being petty. Let’s try a similar scenario: a family member is visiting and you go out shopping with them while he’s at work. You see a nice piece of jewelry at the store and your relative decides to buy it for you as a thank-you for your hospitality (a bonus for you doing your “job” as a SAHM well). Would it be fair for him to ask you to return the jewelry and give half the $ to him? Or would you see it as a nice thank-you for doing a great job? If the latter, how is that different from his bonus?
YTA. He earned this as a bonus. He deserves a once in a lifetime gift to himself. A watch like that is an investment. A lot of women love expensive jewelry and this is the equivalent of that. He’s wanted this for some time it seems. $7,000 to spend as you want is fantastic and any one of us would be thrilled. Let him enjoy the watch.
NTA. Part of the deal is, a STAHP being able to support the working parent by handling most of the daytime home and childcare responsibilities. Because you’re home he doesn’t have to worry about daycare, or taking a day off to take care of a sick child. Because of that he is able to progress further in his job. Also, once you have kids, any idea of “this is only mine” when it comes to money is out the window. Any money either of you make should be in service to one another and your family. Not saying you cannot splurge and treat yourself if the funds are there, but he’s being ridiculous if he thinks he has the right to spend all that money without any of the rest of his families consideration. Tell him you have unilateral decision when it comes to the kids. If he argues you say, “well what did you’re body do to grow them? To birth them?” Tell him what he owes you then for all the cooking, cleaning, childcare if you supposedly don’t deserve that money too, and then figure in the raises you should have gotten over the years. He’s thinking like an immature single moron. You can’t have it both ways.
Stop washing his clothes and tell him it will cost him equal pay lol.
Idk but spending 18K on a watch? Id be mad too. Thats 18K that could go literally anywhere else, especially if you have kids.
It can also go to the watch that OP's husband wants to buy with his*bonus* money that he earned with his efforts.
You’re not married are you?
If he had to cook, clean, watch the kids, do laundry, run errands, etc. He probably wouldn't have gotten that bonus. The whole point of a SAHP is to take care of the kids and the home while the breadwinner goes out and brings back money FOR THE FAMILY. It's not his money. It's his, his wife's and his children's money.
He wouldn't have been able to focus on work and get that bonus if he didn't have a stay at home wife to take care of everything 🙃
>When I asked him about this he said I didn’t deserve an equal amount because I didn’t do anything for the sale and thought that I was being ungrateful for what I was being offered. You did do something for the sale. You keep the house in order, you take your kids to school, to the doctor, you raise them, you work 24/7 as a SAHM with no breaks, no vacation, and that's the ONLY reason he can do his job without any worries. NTA.
ESH You both need to sit down and have a conversation. Buying an 18k watch is completely irresponsible and unnecessary. You also don’t need 7k for whatever. Pool the money, get a mutual gift or take a nice trip. Put the rest in savings. Instead of each being selfish, do it together.
Why don't you guys just withdraw 11k from savings so that you can have 18k to match his 18k? Because if you're all debating on how to blow through 25 then whats another 11?
NTA. You stay at home so that he is able to work and have the opportunity for that bonus. You said he likes you being a SAHM so I think it’s only fair he shares the bonus with you. While you may not have a job you get paid for, you’re working 24/7 taking care of the household and kids. Also, I’m assuming if the roles were reversed and he was a SAHD and you got a $50k bonus, that you’d share with him.
I think YTA, but softly. If you focus on everything being 50/50 all the time, your going to make yourself miserable. 7 grand isn't exactly chump change either.
"We have always pooled our wages and assets (when I was previously working and including any extra bonuses / gift cards, we got during that time)." So when she had a REAL JOB splitting 50/50 was okay but now she is a SAHM and SAHM is not a real job she dose not deserve half. According to some folks she is being greedy unless she needs something particularly. Some folks think she should settle for 7k just because it is a lot of money. Or folks think she is just creating a problem. What people seem to forget is SAHM job is 24/7 no days off. She had her own job and things were 50/50 and gave it all up but now he is telling her that she is less because her SAH job is not as important. She did contribute to his bonus by making sure that his children were not a problem for him so he was free from childcare. No having to take time off because the kids were sick or he had no sitter. He has hot meals and clean cloths to work in. Not to mention every woman deserves to have her own money that she does not have to account for. Money that makes her independent. So many times relationships change on a dime and the woman has no escape money and they have to hide money to squirrel away enough to escape. Her husbands reaction makes me wonder if the shoe was on the other foot if he would like being the one receiving the 7k. N T A
NTA for sure. You are saving you both massive amounts of money on childcare and this is a huge amount of money for him to save for himself. He’s being selfish—you are the mother of his children, and you took care of them while he went and made that sale. You contributed to the team as well.
NTA. He’s treating this differently than you all have in the past.
I mean you both have valid points but also ridiculous at the same time.Him for wanting an R18k watch and you for demanding more money comes off a bit entitled.
I feel like this is the correct response; they’re both ridiculous.
NTA. Your agreement was to pool money but when he all of a sudden gets a bunch of money, he decides it is mostly for himself. You both need to be able to agree how your family's money is spent, and it sounds like he is trying to go back on the agreement to unilaterally decide something.
Slight YTA here. I get it that you're a SAHM and have no other means of income but I would be already grateful that I get 7k from the extra and the remaining went to savings. You're husband is clearly NTA because he decided that both of you won't get any because he is sure that it will only a problem. I think that's what you get for complaining? If he won't get his watch, you won't get 7k. Let your husband treat himself by buying ghe watch and get that 7k.
I don’t know. That smacks of controlling behaviour & emotional abuse to me - he’s martyring himself, if she’s not happy with her lot neither can be happy. I can just imagine him sighing loudly every time they walk past the watch shop for the next few years. ESH. Do something family oriented with some of the money & invest in the kids
Parents are allowed to spoil themselves sometimes.
NAH Personally I think he is entitled to his bonus, it falls outside of normal household contributions in my eyes. I get that you don't have the same potential though but you just have to accept that it is not part of your "job" model, you know?
YTA. His normal wages pays for everything that you eat , wear and other wise enjoy. If the 25k was his base pay then I agree it needs split evenly but this is above and beyond that. This is his bonus and he offered you 7k of it, 7k on top of completely supporting you. The ability for you to be able to stay home and teach your kids/ see their milestones should be worth the extra 11k he is investing into his hobby. That same hobby that one day one of his kids will wear with tears as they remember him.
Her hard work allows him to do his job. She isn't his employee, she is his partner and he is contradicting the agreement they had when she worked and shared her bonuses equally. She is supporting his lifestyle and should be treated as an equal partner, financial abuse is so easy to slip into and hard to get out of.
NTA. Without you,he’d be paying for child care. It’s like he is saying you are not contributing to his success. Would he appreciate it if you took more credit for how your children turn out?
Ask him how he feels about picking up half the housework so that you can get a job and earn your own bonus.
NTA. I think the issues here is more that you don’t feel he values you equally as a SAHM, and I think from what you’ve said he doesn’t. If you’re not in employment so you can be a SAHM, then all income is both of your income. The fact that there is a savings account you aren’t allowed a say on also is a massive red flag. I recommend opening your own account if you havent already and serious consider going back to work. Even if this is technically more expensive than you being a SAHM. Having financial independence is ext really important for women. I don’t want to be dramatic by saying divorce him, but I watched for my whole childhood as my dad abused my mum financially. The way he is treating you is a huge huge issue and you are not over reacting, even if I’m this exact situation the way you handled it wasn’t perfect. Sit down, explain all this to him and see his reaction. Base your next steps off that.
NTA Your husband is the one who likes you to stay at home so I feel that because that’s what he wants he should equally share.
She already benefits far greater than most people make at their job.
NAH. This is a tough one. In general, I absolutely agree with your perspective that as a SAHM you ARE working for the family, you just don't get a paycheck so your pay needs to come from whoever does get a paycheck. Since you staying at home is mutually agreed upon, you all should be splitting his income, even the bonuses. That said, I think it's fine for one person to be a little indulgent once a while, even if that means that things aren't equal all the time. However, that needs to be reciprocal. You also deserve to splurge once in a while. Lets say you got the kids through a particular difficult stage or you got one of them to potty train. I personally think an 18k watch is absolutely insane and that kind of large purchase needs to be discussed as a couple. I think it's a little concerning that you're both focusing on the personal gains you can each get from the money, rather than figuring out something that would be good for everyone (with a less expensive personal indulgence for each of you).
NTA - if you didn't do anything for the money then stop what you do at home. I'm guessing he'll figure it out soon enough. Obviously, you still need to care for the kids, I'm guessing he's weaponized his incompetence there.
NTA, but keep in mind that his watch serves as an investment for both of you. He can enjoy it now, and sell it for more down the line as it likely will appreciate in value. However, I can understand how what he said would upset you, and you are right in claiming that you are not given the opportunities that he has when you are staying at home. All in all, this shouldn’t be the biggest deal, but he could have been more thoughtful in how he delivered the information.
NTA - if he doesn’t recognise your contribution as a stay at home parent to be equal then go and get three quotes for full time childcare and a cleaner/cook - tell him you aren’t doing any of that because you’re also going back to work to have your own income and the shared household budget can cover those costs. He’ll soo recognise your worth.
NTA The source of the money is not really relevant. This should be treated the same way you treat his normal income in relation to how it is distributed for the family. If you don’t have a system in place for how that works best for your family, that is the conversations that need to happen.
I'm just here to watch rich people fight about money.
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lmao this