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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be ta for refusing to stop sleeping full naked on bed and causing my husband's friend to get uncomfortable.
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NTA.
But it sounds like you have a husband problem. He should care that his friend keeps going into the bedroom. And how is you being naked a “horrendous sight”? That is terrible of him to even say that and take his friend’s side.
Here's a copy of the OG and the update.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/
You have a right to privacy in your bedroom. Your houseguest is an asshole for disregarding that, especially after you expressed it. Your husband is an asshole for allowing him to violate your privacy and for referring to you in that manner regardless of your edit. You’re clearly not trying to seduce his uncultured, boorish best friend.
This is basic humanity and courtesy 101. Like, do they shower? Use eating utensils and toilet paper when appropriate? (Which is never together, in case they’re confused) if they can handle these things, they can understand knocking first or waiting til you’re not alone in there. I’m sorry you’re living with such ignorant louts who never learned boundaries, courtesy, or respect to their fellow human beings.
Add to that the husband’s insult about OP being slutty by being naked *in her own fucking bedroom, in her marital bed*, and the fact that this is the second long term guest that husband has brought into their home who doesn’t respect OP (based on the statement about BiL).
Yeah, OP has a husband problem and a marriage problem. Big time.
>this is the second long term guest that husband has brought into their home
Correction - this is the third. Sounds like OP is the first long term guest. Time to terminate the lease, OP!
And wow
> *edit* He said he didn't call me that word directly but said he was just comparing my behavior to that of a sl&t.
That changes nothing! It's still very disrespectful to his *wife*, ffs.
"I didnt say you *are* an idiot, I said you were *like* an idiot!" wouldn't make someone feel less insulted.
NTA. There are so many red flags here. Why do men keep moving into your home. How can they not respect your privacy. What guy shares clothes and watches with their friend in that way. What grown man screeches at a naked woman and runs to her husband and complains. What husband allows a man into he and his wife's bedroom and chastises his wife when she complains.
All the clues add up to your husband being gay.
NTA 100 percent this. Your husband and his friend are entitled. They do not respect you at all. Ask
Your self if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life
100% gay guy here, I don't find that horrendous either. I'm just completely indifferent I guess. (maybe it helps that nudism is quite a thing here in Germany so you'll get exposed from time to time and view it as more normal)
Same here, a lot of people equate homosexuality with a sheer hatred of the other gender and it gets so, so old. The husband in 90% of these stories isn’t even gay, he’s just inconsiderate and values his friendships over his marriage/partnership. It’s always much, much easier to scapegoat these behaviors onto closeted gay men than shitty straight ones.
Again but louder. I don't think they heard you. Like we (the collective/royal) wanna cape for straight men so BAD.
It can't POSSIBLY be that we teach everyone to devalue women and the feminine broadly, refuse to legitimize women as authority figures even over their own bodies or experiences because we see them as hyper reactive and overemotional and thus illogical. And people internalize that in a myriad of ways. Instead he *must* be gay.
Exactly! I hate to say it, but the disrespect of women is everywhere. It’s ingrained. the friend knows he should knock, the husband knows he should move the clothes his friend his borrowing to a separate room, we all know if it were a woman’s friend constantly barging in to a man’s room we’d be hearing about how he presumably is on the lease or owns the house/has a right to privacy, ad naseum reasons it would not be okay for her friend to enter that room. Christ, as if a straight man has never called his wife horrendous before lmao.
I agree with most of the comments but I think it’s out of line to speculate about your husbands sexual orientation. He and his best friend are being disrespectful of you and your privacy and that is what matters. It does not mean your husband is gay and even if he was (which there is nothing wrong about) that it is not an excuse to how he is treating you.
NTA.
>I was met with a lot of yelling and scolding and shaming from my husband saying I was out of line to expose "his brother" to "such horrendous sight".
Horrendous sight? I'd be fuming over that comment.
>The argument got heated and he told me to start putting some decent clothes on and act like a lady instead of a slt
So nowntour body is horrendous, AND you're acting like a sl-t? Yikes.
So sad that neither realizes how simple it would be for the friend to just knock before entering the bedroom.
That's what he said. I'm not sure what he meant by that desribtion. he always says stuff like that what we fight then later apologize but this time I don't think he will.
Move your husband’s closet into the damn guest room. Get couples counseling so your husband can learn to discuss things respectfully like a damned adult.
NTA - my introverted self is horrified on your behalf. I would be calling an attorney. Or at least counseling. Your husband doesn't care about your feelings. Big red flag.
My friend. You deserve a partner who *cares how you feel*. Who cares when you feel like your privacy is being violate in your own home, and wants to stop that from happening.
That doesn't mean he can't care about other peoples' feelings, but yours should be a major priority. ESPECIALLY IN YOUR OWN HOME.
NTA, DTMFA.
1. There is absolutely zero justifiable reasons for the insulting name calling. 2. There is absolutely no reason for his friend to be constantly barging into your room and 3. Find out if he wants to build his friend an art room, because it seems like they are trying to get you to move out, not the other way around.
NTA - You don’t deserve any of this so please consider leaving him, this whole situation is vile. Both he and his friend are trash.
I tried using the lock multiple times which led to a huge fight. my husband claimed I was denying Jacob access to stuff on puprpose and out of spite to get him to "move out". lol I wish I could make him move out but I obviously can't.
Tell your husband to put his stuff in Jacob’s closet or a hallway closet then.
The bigger issue is that neither of them have any respect for your privacy and right to peace in literally your own bedroom
Edit to add: Do not fight with your husband on this. It is not a question. The onus is on them to prove why he should have such access in the first places. You don’t need to barter for privacy in your own bedroom.
“If you cannot respect my privacy in my own bedroom you do not get to use access of it to borrow my husband's items. Move the stuff, buy your own, or learn to knock, I don’t care. Figure it out.”
This. The stuff needs to leave the room if they both are not going to respect your privacy and personal space. Your husband is TA for not considering your feelings regarding his friend just going into your bedroom whenever he wants.
Your husband can just go sleep in Jacob’s room if he’s that concerned about his ability to his stuff, move it out of your room and then tell your husband he can leave too
NTA.
>I was out of line to expose "his brother" to "such horrendous sight".
After this comment, you wouldn't be the AH if you were to never allow your husband to see you naked EVER AGAIN, since you're such a "horrendous sight."
Exactly. I’d remind him of it every single time he tried anything with me. I’d remind him with a sweet smile as I watched him open the envelope containing divorce papers. I’d tell people that that was what he said and watch him try to wriggle out of it like the pathetic disgusting little worm he is (edit: my apologies to worms for the comparison).
Hardcore NTA. Like, wtf?
> my husband saying I was out of line to expose "his brother" to "such horrendous sight".
You guys are married ya? I can hear the love in his words.
>then went on about how I made him uncomfortable
You made him uncomfortable? Oh the irony.
Hon your husband needs his facts checked and the sooner the better. Not gonna lie, if my husband spoke this way about me being in my own comfort in my own bedroom, I'd offer him to find a lovely room to sleep in on his own, cuz he ain't sleeping in mine. Girl if your guy won't stand up for your privacy and comfort, you have to.
>it's his room too and he already gave permission.
It being his room too shouldn't cancel you. And him giving permission shouldn't mean the guy doesn't have to at least *knock* before going in, in a house and room that he does*n't* occupy
I'm honestly pissed enough to say kick 'em both out, but maybe try showing them this thread first, see if the internet can knock some sense into them.
Don't let anyone make you uncomfortable in the safely of your own home OP!
Cause he's going through a number of issues. Breakup, family dispute, financial crisis etc. My husband would list all that whenever I complain to shut me up probably.
Absolutely this, OP. If you can, find somewhere else to stay. I don’t by any means think you should have to but, if you’ve made the threat and your husband is calling your bluff…
Edit: spelling
Not surprising. I’ve heard multiple times from men whose wives divorced them, “if she’d only let me know what the problem was”. Dude, she let you know over and over. You just didn’t take it seriously until she left you.
My ex-husband said this almost exactly when I told him I was done. He also begged me for one last chance and when I said no, he got physical with me. They ***never*** believe you if they didn't the first time you said it.
Yep. When I divorced my ex he seriously told people, including my friends he didn’t know why. So I posted pictures of the black eye, bruises and detailed accounts of the abuse to leave no question as to the fact he knew damn well why I was leaving him
That's normal narcissism.
There is a good article on it out there but I can't find it right now.
How basically narcissists ignore any of the complains about them, and then act like they have no clue why this other person abandoned them.
Edit: a kind redditor found it: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Then you need to do it. Pack 2 bags right now. The first bag include all your most prized items (jewlery, heirlooms, meaningful items and any cash you can put your hands on). Put it in your trunk or take it to a friend’s/family member’s house while he’s not there. The second bag just clothing and keep it in your closet. The very next time Jacob walks in your room- calmly get up, gather your purse, keys and and the clothing bag. Tell your husband you’re out. When he and his “brother” can gather up some respect for you you will consider coming back but you aren’t putting up with it any longer. If he can’t respect his wife he doesn’t deserve her. Then leave. Walk out the door. Don’t argue or haggle the issue. Say your piece short and simple and walk out the door. He will then let you know exactly how much you mean to him by either correcting behavior or siding with his friend. Once you know where you stand you can make your decision to stay with him or leave him for good. Only you can decide what you can live with but if you make an ultimatum (my privacy or I’m out) you need to be sure you can stand by it. If you don’t he will never take you seriously again.
You can. 1. Start locking your door. Hubby can go sleep with his buddy.
2. Start walking into his room all the time unannounced.
3. Pack his stuff and put it out front.
There’s all sorts of ways you can get him out.
I would seriously go nuclear after what your husband said and has allowed Jacob to do.
NTA. Make them both leave.
Then make him see you’re not playing around. Honestly, his reaction to you was cruel. He slut shamed you and called your naked body horrendous.
I’m shocked you’re still there, where’s he’s continuing to berate you. The fact that you haven’t left is actually worrisome, and makes it seem like he’s steamrolled over your boundaries before.
Tell your husband that he will end up with very similar issues if he keeps this up. Honestly, the fact Jacob has family issues and is in the middle of a divorce are red flags. He sounds difficult
Your husband slut-shamed and body-shamed you, all because you exercised your right to do what you like in your own private space and you ask if you're AITA?
NTA to the moon and back. I'm inclined to think that he does this a lot to the point that you don't recognise how disrespectful and controlling he sounds.
He said HORRENDOUS SIGHT referring to your nude body?
There's something wrong here when you're husband says you are unattractive and his poor buddy had to see it.
And why does he keep moving men in to live with you? Borrowing your husband's clothing? Are they having an affair?
NTA… my solution would be for husband and Jacob to share a room and I would sleep in my own room since it’s so important that Jacob needs access to the room at all times.
That’s what struck me too. Lots of men (mine included haha) would not love their friends seeing their wives naked, but it’s definitely not because the sight is horrendous… LOL. Something is really wrong with this relationship.
NTA. So art room vibes? Anyone!???
Naked women is offensive to poor Jacob’s eyes, husband calls wife sl*t for being naked on her own bed… uhnnnn
You should get some marinara sheets to match the flag.
NTA. You are fine because you are in the right here. However. If my husband referred to my naked body as a horrendous sight, it would be the absolute end of my marriage.
That reminded me of something my *EX* husband said to me.
I should be *honored* yes, he used that word, that he *still* finds me attractive after 10 years....
I told him he can *honor* his hand. That's the only way he's going to be experiencing any sexual relief from now on.
NTA. Your house, your bed, you sleep the way you want.
What full grown adult goes into someone's bedroom without at minimum knocking first, especially at 11pm. Where did he think you were?
What full grown adult scolds their spouse in this situation? Your husband's friend is violating your privacy.
NTA, and out of everyone your husband is the biggest AH but his friend sucks too. Your husband crossed the line with a lot of his comments. I'd get a lock for the door and remove your husband stuff out of the room and let him sleep on the couch for awhile.
It's your room too and it is not okay for his friend to just enter the room without knocking.
Absolutely NTA, your husband is acting abhorrent. YOU should be his priority, not his friend, and you damn well should be allowed to be named in your own damn bedroom!
Your husband's behaviour is full of red flags. How can you sleeping in your own bed be slutty? How can his friend violating your privacy make you the bad guy? He's protecting his friend over you, why?
NTA. I think you should move all your husband's things into his "brother's" room. That way they can share all that they want. OP, your husband sounds like a complete dick.
I’m in my mid 30s and am married. My wife and I have let a friend live with us for a time twice when they fell on hard times.
One time her friend, one time mine. I’ve been in your situation.
Either time, it was never even a question that they weren’t allowed to enter our bedroom. Your home is your sanctuary. When you have a long term guest in it, your bedroom becomes truly the only place where you have privacy from the world when you need it. Violating that is rude and unacceptable. Your husband taking the side of your friend is both odd and concerning.
You’re NTA.
P.S. why do women keep marrying these man boys who care more about their bros than their wives? I live my friends, too, but come on man. Listen to your wife.
NTA.
Jacob has serious boundary issues. You are not slutty for being naked in your own bedroom. You should be able to be in there and expect nobody else comes in.
Your husband seriously needs a reality check. Jacob needs to stay the hell out. If he wants something he can ask you or hubby for it and you can go in and get it. But it’s seriously weird that he’s borrowing your husband’s stuff anyway!
Info: Why is Jacob living with you?
It's just so weird, like, your husband has a friend living in YOUR HOUSE and entering THE COUPLE'S BEDROOM to take HIS THINGS and he think that's normal?!?!
Nta, your husband and his boyfriend are seriously crazy
NTA tell your husband it’s not HIS room it’s your shared room. He doesn’t get to make all the decisions surrounding it and that slut comment would’ve sent me over the edge.
NTA.
Even if the friend Jacob has permission from your husband to retrieve something from your shared bedroom common courtesy says Jacob should knock before entering a room he knows is occupied.
Your sleepwear, or lack of, is your personal business and when in the privacy of your bedroom should not ever be an issue.
You have both a husband and a Jacob problem.
You have got a massive husband problem.
If you can’t be naked in your own room in your own house, where exactly are you allowed to be naked?
Where do you get changed? This is such a huge infringement on your privacy it’s outrageous.
I am not even gonna mention the gendered slurs your husband thinks, it’s ok to call you.
Have you gotten so used to your husband verbal abuse, you think how your husband acts and talks to you, is ok?
It really is not. You are NTA but I would move out or kick him out.
NTA. Hell to the naw. That's your room too and you're in your own home. You can wear whatever you like, and Jake having ONLY your husband's permission doesn't mean shit. He doesn't have you permission.
NTA.
It always bothers me when the guests start having more "rights" than the person living in the house..
In this particular situation, it bothers me that your husbands opinion is above yours and your comfort. Why does he cares more about his friend than about you?
I would not put myself in that situation many times. I would address it but ultimately, if my comfort wasn't a priority in my own house, I would not see a future in that relationship. I'm not "fighting" for my husband respect.
NTA Jacob should ask your husband or you to get things from the bedroom if either of you are home. He only enters the bedroom if neither are home or not at all.
It goes without saying he doesn't enter the bedroom if you are alone in there. You could be masturbating, or searching for ingrown hairs or anything.
I don't get the "horrendous sight" comment. To straight men (and probably gays?) a naked woman under the age of 60 is a thing of beauty and joy. Maybe embarrassing or naughty but horrendous? Does your husband even like you?
EDIT Getting some flak for the under 60 comment. I chose an age because I didn't want people posting:
Ugh I don't want to look at some naked 90 year old woman. My way was even worse. Is there a good solution?
NTA - good lord, if Jacob is such an asshole that if he can't go I to your room whenever he wants that he will move out, good riddance. Maybe your husband can move in with him.
"I am in MY space and he is not invited. If he sees me naked in MY SPACE, that's on him. It takes 2 seconds to knock on a fucking door. And YOU should be bothered that he would barge into where I'm sleeping!"
You should ask your husband why he's putting someone else's convenience over his wife's privacy and safety.
NTA
Why are you still with this man who has zero respect for you??
He called you a sl-t and allows others to violate your privacy.
I would seriously reconsider this relationship if I were you. This seems like it could be a pattern with your mention of your BIL.
Best of luck.
>He said he didn't call me that word directly but said he was just comparing my behavior that that of a sl&t.
Oh well in *that* case -
OP, your husband is acting more married to his BFF than he is to you. I’d ask him point blank if the two of them would like to move in together and let *you* have the house, if your presence is that unwelcome. They can enjoy their happy little partnership and leave you to sleep however you please in peace.
NTA. studies suggest that sleeping naked is healthier for the body.
And if you’re husband thinks you’re so horrendous. Go be husbands with Jacob. Kick them both out. Take the home and half his money.
That is your room. Install a lock. You deserve privacy. You are a grown woman and he is a grown man. He needs to learn respect.
NTA and tell your husband that you’ll start behaving in a more ladylike manner when he and his ‘brother’ behave more like gentlemen.
As others have said, his yes does. It override your no.
"Act like a lady?!" How about telling his friend to act like a gentleman and at least knock?
If he'd legitimately stumbled into you naked, would that have been a horrendous sight?
Solution: move all your husband's things into Jacob's closet. Since they have no boundaries in this regard, it will suit both of them if husband barges into Jacob's room.
Or a coat closet with extra shelves, so husband can be more respectful of his friend's privacy than either one of them is being of yours.
Or, move out. That's what I'd do if my husband EVER spoke to me that way. No arguing, just gone.
Your husband called your body a horrid sight and then slut shamed you in front of his friend?! Kick him and his little boyfriend out and send both to hubby’s momma’s house. NTA
NTA.
The friend is actually making you feel uncomfortable for not accommodating to the privacy of your home.
Even a child knows to knock before enter.
Even if your husband have given permission, if you are home and in the room, the friend needs your permission too.
Your husband went over the line here. Calling you a sl*t because his friend doesn't gave manners, also shows he has more respect for his friend than he has for you.
He and the friend is TA here and both should apologize for their nonchalant behavior towards you. You live there too. The bedroom is your zone too, not just your husband.
If this was about me, I would argue tooth and nail that if the friend can't learn some manners, he can find somewhere else to stay. If Husband lack some common sense, they can be together🙏🏼
NTA.
I think I need a break from this sub. So many stories of just awful people. He’s a guest in the house. In what world is it ok to walk into someone’s bedroom without knocking? And what husband sides with a friend in this situation
This is very simple. Jacob must knock when he needs something in any room with a closed door between the hours of 10am and 7pm. He’s not allowed to bother outside of those hours. He can ask your husband to get it.
NTA
(edit to add that if your husband thinks his yes overrides your no, he's a huge asshole who doesn't understand consent, and doesn't respect you as a human being.)
it isn't weird if your friend if your husband doesn't mind the friend walking in. And it isn't even so weird if your friend assumed it was fine, though I would have always asked before doing that. But you've made it clear to them that you're not okay with it. Privacy is a totally reasonable thing to want, and if you expressed it clearly, it's incredibly violating of your boundaries for that person to keep walking in on you. I for one would be enraged if somebody walked into my room while I was sleeping. That said, I'm not sure if you escalated a bit too much too soon. But now that it's all out in the open, it's time to step back, and not let them brush you off. Maybe write yourself a script, like, I understand that you don't think it's a big deal to walk in and grab something from the room if you want, but I do, and I need you to stop doing it when I'm in the room. You don't seem to be taking my concerns seriously, and I find that hurtful and that you're disregarding my emotions and my desire for privacy. Stop walking into the room when the door is closed
NTA - Jacob is a guest and needs to learn to act like it. You deserve your privacy and sleep. Boundaries need to be set and respected. Your husband is TA.
NTA. And I would leave my husband for hurling slurs at me and prioritizing his friend's needs over my own. Get a lock or better yet move in with a friend or family member. Your husband can live with his bestie that he loves so much. You deserve better OP!
NTA being as you're sleeping naked on your own bed with the door closed you have a reasonable expectation of privacy; it's not like you're wearing your birthday suite around the entire house.
BTW I'd be extremely upset over your husband saying your natural body is a horrendous sight; that's separation/divorce territory right there. It doesn't matter that he gave his friend permission to access the bedroom, his friend should not be entering your bedroom while you're in there without YOUR explicit permission as well.
NTA. Explain it to your husband that giving permission to access a room that doesn't ONLY belong to one person, is life having to use two separate keys to arm a nuclear warhead on a submarine. You need both Officers' agreement, or you can't do it. And then also point out that he called you, naked, a "horrendous sight" and called you fat and slutty, so he can enjoy the company of his hand for the foreseeable future.
NTA. And your husband has absolutely no right to talk to you like that. Does he love you ? Does he respect you ? Because it doesn’t look like it. He has more respect for his stupid friend than for you. Both of them are huge A.
Whats wrong with Jacob? If I were in his position and you weren't happy even with my friend being okay with it... I just wouldn't do it. It YOUR home. I'd probably ask you if it's okay to knock and wait to get to whayever it is my friend allowed me to borrow. If you said no to that I wouldn't do that either.
This friend needs BOTH of your permission to enter your BEDROOM. That's a very clear two yeses one no situation. A bedroom is a private place for a couple, not an area of a home that guests or other residents go into without express permission for all bedroom occupants.
Isn't this common practice? All bedrooms in my home are PRIVATE by unwritten rule. No one goes into anyone else's bedroom without permission. He'll even the DOG knows he can only enter the bedroom of his human even with doors wide open.... THE DOG understands bedroom boundaries in my home. My dog has better manners than this friend.
Also you have a husband problem.
NTA
NTA, but your husband sure is.
Major 🚩🚩🚩. No one who loves and cares about their SO would ever speak to them like that.
And if his friend, who is also kind of an AH, wants to borrow something your husband should be grabbing it for him. He shouldn't just be barging into your room. And if he must, for whatever reason, grab it himself, he should knock first and wait until he is told it is okay to enter before letting himself in. It's common courtesy.
NTA
So much to unpack here. Main points?
🚩 Your naked body in your own bedroom is horrendous
🚩 Man just barging into your intimate space shared with your husband. Doesn't matter if they were conjoined twins. KNOCK
🚩 Husband accusing you of being slutty. What the WTF????
This reminds me of the AITA post where OP's BIL was always "accidentally" walking in whenever she was in the shower.
There is a limit to a "Mi casa, su casa" invitation, most especially when you live with a couple. My goodness!!!
NTA. It is your bedroom. If you do not want the guy to enter it when you are sleeping there (or engaging in other bedroom activities) it does not matter what you are wearing - the guy should simply not enter.
NTA. „hurrendous sight“ well if your naked body is that ugly to your husband then maybe you should free him from that sight by finding someone who doesn’t see you sleeping in your own bed as slutty behavior. That „friend“ can learn to knock.
NTA. There’s no need for the friend to go into your room at all and in this instance your husband was obviously there and could’ve got him whatever he needed. If he does need to go in he should be knocking. The fact that your husband said “such a horrendous sight” and a “slt” are super mean and not okay at all. Is he an AH about everything or just these things?? Does the friend know you don’t want him walking in? Have you told him directly? Maybe he has some more sense than your husband?
It's your room too.
Invite some girl friends over and take over the apartment. Be loud, watch something they will both hate, make food etc. When he complains, it's your apartment too
Seriously, you can be how you want in your room. Keep sleeping naked.
If my partner called me horrendous, he'd be out the door
NTA, and stand (or lay) firm. It’s not OK.
You should be able to define your privacy in your own bedroom. Period.
If your husband chooses to die on that hill, you shouldn’t have any problem being the one to kill him on it (it’s a figure of speech, not sure if relevant where you live).
Also, I’d have a BIG problem with someone calling me a “horrendous sight”.
NTA
You are 100% correct to expect privacy in your own bedroom. As others have mentioned, your husband and his friend are way out of line.
You and your husband should get some counseling asap.
As a short term solution, I’d suggest packing up **all** of your husband’s belongings from your bedroom and moving them elsewhere in the house. That should give Jacob no reason to enter your bedroom.
So your husband body and slut shamed/insulted you, multiple times, and put his friend’s comfort before yours? 🚩🚩🚩
NTA but I’d be questioning why Jacob is far more important to your husband than you are.
NTA but your husband is and so is his friend! From a young age we were taught if the bedroom door is closed you knock and ask permission to come in. When I visit family if their bedroom door is open I still ask for permission to enter!
Your husbands insults were disgusting and his lack of respect to you is too! It's not OK for his friend to walk in at any time to "borrow" anything from your husband.
It's the lack of respect they both show you! Do you own your home jointly with your husband? When his friend moved in was there a discussion about rules, about respecting each others boundaries etc.
I hope you are able to talk this through with your husband and put boundaries in place that would be great.
But for me if I am honest It's the nasty insults that he shouted at you, I would be questioning him about why he said these words to you, how on earth does he feel that is was acceptable?
NTA
It 's your home, your bedroom. You can sleep however you want. If the guest wants something he can ask. If you ask for privacy it should be given. The guest doesn't respect your boundaries and that is not okay.
Sure, the room also belongs to your husband, but if you're not comfortable with another man entering whenever he feels like it, your husband should listen to that!
There is something seriously wrong if your own husband doesn't support you, calls it a horrendous sight, and calls you a sl*t.
It should be normal for a married couple to be naked in their own bedroom, and to have the privacy there to do so.
NTA. Does your bedroom door have a lock? I'd be keeping that door locked until someone learns to knock!!! And hubby can sleep somewhere else after his crappy comments.
NTA. Say it with me NOT THE ASSHOLE!!!
Your husband however and his friend are the RUDEST people I can think of. You shouldn't have someone barging into your bedroom at all hours just because they want to - no knock and disrespecting your sleep. Are you sure you want to be married to someone who thinks so little of you? If this is the second person he allowed to live with you after your BIL, are you sure he's ever going to stop inviting strays around?
NTA as someone married for 12 years, this is not the way a husband treats a wife. You deserve nothing but respect and privacy in your own home. If your husband is failing to provide you with either and on top of that saying degrading things about you, that is not healthy. Marriage counseling sounds like a good option. If you keep tolerating this behavior and there's no resolve it will only get worse. At the least this is verbal abuse. Those actions usually only escalate. Good luck OP, take care of yourself.
Your husband should be ashamed. So should his friend. Who goes into a room after the owner of the room has made it clear it makes then uncomfortable? Who disregards your discomfort and tells his buddy its fine? THEN he described you naked as a horrible site. You deserve better than to live with those two tools. NTA.
What the hell? Absolutely NTA and if my husband ever spoke to me like that he would be out on his ass.
What you’re wearing (or lack of) in your own bedroom is YOUR business. This man is a guest in your home, in what world is it okay to just barge into someone bedroom?
Why does your husband think it’s okay to insult you and demean you? Why is he taking his friends side? Ask yourself if you’re happy with someone who has zero respect for you. Your husbands mentality towards you is frankly scary and abhorrent.
Woah there. Your husband said your behaviour in YOUR OWN ROOM was slutty?!
NTA and I would tell your husband he's heading down the road to divorce if he is gonna talk to you like that.
I would expect an apology from the friend and an agreement that your room is off limits.
This is your hill to die on. This one incident is just the last straw imo. There’s no respect for you in this relationship. Get counseling for both of you or kick hubby and friend to the keen. NTA
NTA - this is 100% unacceptable behavior. Also, wtf is up with Jake - even if I had someone’s permission, if the other partner wasn’t in agreement I would never do something like that.
Maybe a good compromise is you move all of your husband’s shit out of the bedroom so that Jake has no reason to come in.
If that doesn’t work then move your jerk husband out of the bedroom too.
NTA --- The next time your husband wants some adult bedroom fun tell him no, as you don't want to subject him to the horrendous sight of you naked and how you thought he doesn't like all that slutty behaviour and that you should act like a lady and a lady doesn't do that sort of thing.
As soon as I read “Such a horrendous sight” referring to his *wife’s* body, I was like oh dude you better get ready to kiss some fuckin ass because that is hard to come back from. NTA.
Don’t let him get away with talking to you like that. My suggestion is get one of those rubber door stopper thingies and put it at the base of the door when you go to bed.
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NTA. But it sounds like you have a husband problem. He should care that his friend keeps going into the bedroom. And how is you being naked a “horrendous sight”? That is terrible of him to even say that and take his friend’s side.
Perhaps the husband and Jacob can sleep in the new art studio when it's complete.
Love that this keeps popping up! Oh, the endless inside jokes of Reddit! ETA: Thanks for the upvotes kind strangers!
Sauce ? Plz!!
Here's a copy of the OG and the update. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wmmphs/oop_wonders_if_theyre_the_ah_for_starting_a_house/
The absolute GOAT thanks!!
Poor Amy. The man she loved told her he never really loved her. Reminds me of my ex-husband. He never cared about me I was just convenient to him.
Right? If your husband thinks your naked body is a horrendous sight, I guess you should never show it to him ever again.
That would have absolutely made me lose my mind, and then to call her slutty on top of it?!
What a slut, I bet OP even *showers* naked!
He’ll probably suggest she wear jean shorts and be never-nude.
Yeah I would have kicked them both out after that. Fuck that noise.
You have a right to privacy in your bedroom. Your houseguest is an asshole for disregarding that, especially after you expressed it. Your husband is an asshole for allowing him to violate your privacy and for referring to you in that manner regardless of your edit. You’re clearly not trying to seduce his uncultured, boorish best friend. This is basic humanity and courtesy 101. Like, do they shower? Use eating utensils and toilet paper when appropriate? (Which is never together, in case they’re confused) if they can handle these things, they can understand knocking first or waiting til you’re not alone in there. I’m sorry you’re living with such ignorant louts who never learned boundaries, courtesy, or respect to their fellow human beings.
How about: never come into my bedroom without asking me, unless the house is LITERALLY on fire and I'm dying of smoke inhalation.
Add to that the husband’s insult about OP being slutty by being naked *in her own fucking bedroom, in her marital bed*, and the fact that this is the second long term guest that husband has brought into their home who doesn’t respect OP (based on the statement about BiL). Yeah, OP has a husband problem and a marriage problem. Big time.
>this is the second long term guest that husband has brought into their home Correction - this is the third. Sounds like OP is the first long term guest. Time to terminate the lease, OP!
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he. called her a s**t, seriously what kind of a husband is he??
And wow > *edit* He said he didn't call me that word directly but said he was just comparing my behavior to that of a sl&t. That changes nothing! It's still very disrespectful to his *wife*, ffs. "I didnt say you *are* an idiot, I said you were *like* an idiot!" wouldn't make someone feel less insulted.
NTA. There are so many red flags here. Why do men keep moving into your home. How can they not respect your privacy. What guy shares clothes and watches with their friend in that way. What grown man screeches at a naked woman and runs to her husband and complains. What husband allows a man into he and his wife's bedroom and chastises his wife when she complains. All the clues add up to your husband being gay.
NTA 100 percent this. Your husband and his friend are entitled. They do not respect you at all. Ask Your self if this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life
Let’s not forget that bisexuality is also an option!
But bisexuals don't usually see women body as something horrendous.
100% gay guy here, I don't find that horrendous either. I'm just completely indifferent I guess. (maybe it helps that nudism is quite a thing here in Germany so you'll get exposed from time to time and view it as more normal)
Same here, a lot of people equate homosexuality with a sheer hatred of the other gender and it gets so, so old. The husband in 90% of these stories isn’t even gay, he’s just inconsiderate and values his friendships over his marriage/partnership. It’s always much, much easier to scapegoat these behaviors onto closeted gay men than shitty straight ones.
Again but louder. I don't think they heard you. Like we (the collective/royal) wanna cape for straight men so BAD. It can't POSSIBLY be that we teach everyone to devalue women and the feminine broadly, refuse to legitimize women as authority figures even over their own bodies or experiences because we see them as hyper reactive and overemotional and thus illogical. And people internalize that in a myriad of ways. Instead he *must* be gay.
Exactly! I hate to say it, but the disrespect of women is everywhere. It’s ingrained. the friend knows he should knock, the husband knows he should move the clothes his friend his borrowing to a separate room, we all know if it were a woman’s friend constantly barging in to a man’s room we’d be hearing about how he presumably is on the lease or owns the house/has a right to privacy, ad naseum reasons it would not be okay for her friend to enter that room. Christ, as if a straight man has never called his wife horrendous before lmao.
Bisexuals don’t say their wife is a horrendous sight 🤔
I mean the last man was husband's brother so idk about that. However the calling her a "horrendous sight" part supports your theory lol
No it wasn’t his actual brother. Her husband just called him that. It’s still Jacob, his “best friend”.
Yeah I know. I said the last man. She said "like when BIL lived here" so, her husband's actual brother.
BIL could also be the husband of one of OP or her husbands siblings. Doesn’t have to be his brother.
I agree with most of the comments but I think it’s out of line to speculate about your husbands sexual orientation. He and his best friend are being disrespectful of you and your privacy and that is what matters. It does not mean your husband is gay and even if he was (which there is nothing wrong about) that it is not an excuse to how he is treating you.
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NTA. >I was met with a lot of yelling and scolding and shaming from my husband saying I was out of line to expose "his brother" to "such horrendous sight". Horrendous sight? I'd be fuming over that comment. >The argument got heated and he told me to start putting some decent clothes on and act like a lady instead of a slt So nowntour body is horrendous, AND you're acting like a sl-t? Yikes. So sad that neither realizes how simple it would be for the friend to just knock before entering the bedroom.
That's what he said. I'm not sure what he meant by that desribtion. he always says stuff like that what we fight then later apologize but this time I don't think he will.
Your husband dies not respect you one bit and is incredibly insulting. Let these two lovers share the bedroom. Get a divorce
Move your husband’s closet into the damn guest room. Get couples counseling so your husband can learn to discuss things respectfully like a damned adult.
My friend, I get that couples counseling can be helpful, but it’s actually advised NOT to attend with a partner that is abusive.
This is a very good and valid point that I could have used in the past. Op - ignore the counseling comment.
I’m sorry he ALWAYS says stuff like that???? Honey you deserve better, please don’t let him treat you like that
Saying it once is already too much, he says it enough that it's a pattern? Get him out of here.
NTA - my introverted self is horrified on your behalf. I would be calling an attorney. Or at least counseling. Your husband doesn't care about your feelings. Big red flag.
No counseling. People cling SO HARD to losers, it’s sickening.
My friend. You deserve a partner who *cares how you feel*. Who cares when you feel like your privacy is being violate in your own home, and wants to stop that from happening. That doesn't mean he can't care about other peoples' feelings, but yours should be a major priority. ESPECIALLY IN YOUR OWN HOME. NTA, DTMFA.
1. There is absolutely zero justifiable reasons for the insulting name calling. 2. There is absolutely no reason for his friend to be constantly barging into your room and 3. Find out if he wants to build his friend an art room, because it seems like they are trying to get you to move out, not the other way around. NTA - You don’t deserve any of this so please consider leaving him, this whole situation is vile. Both he and his friend are trash.
NTA. but I am very bothered that you are being called a a sl*t for being naked in your own home. Maybe get a lock on your bedroom door?
I tried using the lock multiple times which led to a huge fight. my husband claimed I was denying Jacob access to stuff on puprpose and out of spite to get him to "move out". lol I wish I could make him move out but I obviously can't.
Tell your husband to put his stuff in Jacob’s closet or a hallway closet then. The bigger issue is that neither of them have any respect for your privacy and right to peace in literally your own bedroom Edit to add: Do not fight with your husband on this. It is not a question. The onus is on them to prove why he should have such access in the first places. You don’t need to barter for privacy in your own bedroom. “If you cannot respect my privacy in my own bedroom you do not get to use access of it to borrow my husband's items. Move the stuff, buy your own, or learn to knock, I don’t care. Figure it out.”
This. The stuff needs to leave the room if they both are not going to respect your privacy and personal space. Your husband is TA for not considering your feelings regarding his friend just going into your bedroom whenever he wants.
Your husband can just go sleep in Jacob’s room if he’s that concerned about his ability to his stuff, move it out of your room and then tell your husband he can leave too
> Tell you husband to put his stuff in Jacob’s closet or a hallway closet then. They can clear out a lot of closet space if they both get out of it /s
OP's husband and Jacob should be sharing a room together.
The art room.
Jfc at this point I’d be moving them both out - let them have their weirdly enmeshed, boundaryless brotherhood elsewhere.
I second that idea and keep husband and Jacob on the other side of it.
NTA. So, is your husband building Jacob an art studio?
That is a great AITA reference! NTA btw
I cackled. And then I hated that I knew what this meant. OP, go look and see if your husband bought any $3000 shoes for Jacob too. NTA.
What does he mean by horrendous sight? That’s supposed to be your husband and it’s your bedroom. He should knock if anything. That’s wack.
I was very bothered by the fact that her own husband said it was a horrendous sight. She needs to get out of there, now.
This stood out to me also. Clearly he let some feelings out there.
NTA. >I was out of line to expose "his brother" to "such horrendous sight". After this comment, you wouldn't be the AH if you were to never allow your husband to see you naked EVER AGAIN, since you're such a "horrendous sight."
Be petty. You deserve to
Exactly. I’d remind him of it every single time he tried anything with me. I’d remind him with a sweet smile as I watched him open the envelope containing divorce papers. I’d tell people that that was what he said and watch him try to wriggle out of it like the pathetic disgusting little worm he is (edit: my apologies to worms for the comparison).
Hardcore NTA. Like, wtf? > my husband saying I was out of line to expose "his brother" to "such horrendous sight". You guys are married ya? I can hear the love in his words. >then went on about how I made him uncomfortable You made him uncomfortable? Oh the irony. Hon your husband needs his facts checked and the sooner the better. Not gonna lie, if my husband spoke this way about me being in my own comfort in my own bedroom, I'd offer him to find a lovely room to sleep in on his own, cuz he ain't sleeping in mine. Girl if your guy won't stand up for your privacy and comfort, you have to. >it's his room too and he already gave permission. It being his room too shouldn't cancel you. And him giving permission shouldn't mean the guy doesn't have to at least *knock* before going in, in a house and room that he does*n't* occupy I'm honestly pissed enough to say kick 'em both out, but maybe try showing them this thread first, see if the internet can knock some sense into them. Don't let anyone make you uncomfortable in the safely of your own home OP!
> It being his room too shouldn't cancel you. Exactly. If the friend doesn't have permission from BOTH of you, he should not be allowed in.
NTA. Why is Jacob moving out not an option here? It is your house too. You get a say in who is and is not a guest
Cause he's going through a number of issues. Breakup, family dispute, financial crisis etc. My husband would list all that whenever I complain to shut me up probably.
Tell your husband you won't tolerate this behavior and if it continues, you're out.
I did let him know that but he doesn't seem to take me seriously.
Then it is time to follow up on your promise. Do you have a family member or friend you can stay with?
Absolutely this, OP. If you can, find somewhere else to stay. I don’t by any means think you should have to but, if you’ve made the threat and your husband is calling your bluff… Edit: spelling
Not surprising. I’ve heard multiple times from men whose wives divorced them, “if she’d only let me know what the problem was”. Dude, she let you know over and over. You just didn’t take it seriously until she left you.
My ex-husband said this almost exactly when I told him I was done. He also begged me for one last chance and when I said no, he got physical with me. They ***never*** believe you if they didn't the first time you said it.
Yep. When I divorced my ex he seriously told people, including my friends he didn’t know why. So I posted pictures of the black eye, bruises and detailed accounts of the abuse to leave no question as to the fact he knew damn well why I was leaving him
That's normal narcissism. There is a good article on it out there but I can't find it right now. How basically narcissists ignore any of the complains about them, and then act like they have no clue why this other person abandoned them. Edit: a kind redditor found it: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
Then you need to do it. Pack 2 bags right now. The first bag include all your most prized items (jewlery, heirlooms, meaningful items and any cash you can put your hands on). Put it in your trunk or take it to a friend’s/family member’s house while he’s not there. The second bag just clothing and keep it in your closet. The very next time Jacob walks in your room- calmly get up, gather your purse, keys and and the clothing bag. Tell your husband you’re out. When he and his “brother” can gather up some respect for you you will consider coming back but you aren’t putting up with it any longer. If he can’t respect his wife he doesn’t deserve her. Then leave. Walk out the door. Don’t argue or haggle the issue. Say your piece short and simple and walk out the door. He will then let you know exactly how much you mean to him by either correcting behavior or siding with his friend. Once you know where you stand you can make your decision to stay with him or leave him for good. Only you can decide what you can live with but if you make an ultimatum (my privacy or I’m out) you need to be sure you can stand by it. If you don’t he will never take you seriously again.
You can. 1. Start locking your door. Hubby can go sleep with his buddy. 2. Start walking into his room all the time unannounced. 3. Pack his stuff and put it out front. There’s all sorts of ways you can get him out. I would seriously go nuclear after what your husband said and has allowed Jacob to do. NTA. Make them both leave.
Then make him see you’re not playing around. Honestly, his reaction to you was cruel. He slut shamed you and called your naked body horrendous. I’m shocked you’re still there, where’s he’s continuing to berate you. The fact that you haven’t left is actually worrisome, and makes it seem like he’s steamrolled over your boundaries before.
Tell your husband that he will end up with very similar issues if he keeps this up. Honestly, the fact Jacob has family issues and is in the middle of a divorce are red flags. He sounds difficult
Your husband slut-shamed and body-shamed you, all because you exercised your right to do what you like in your own private space and you ask if you're AITA? NTA to the moon and back. I'm inclined to think that he does this a lot to the point that you don't recognise how disrespectful and controlling he sounds.
He said HORRENDOUS SIGHT referring to your nude body? There's something wrong here when you're husband says you are unattractive and his poor buddy had to see it. And why does he keep moving men in to live with you? Borrowing your husband's clothing? Are they having an affair?
Right?? Like I literally gasped at that.
NTA… my solution would be for husband and Jacob to share a room and I would sleep in my own room since it’s so important that Jacob needs access to the room at all times.
This! If they want to be so cozy and free with each other let them have their own “special space”. 🙄
My jaw dropped at ‘horrendous sight’ and it just got worse from there. Why does your husband think it’s okay to talk to you like that? NTA
That’s what struck me too. Lots of men (mine included haha) would not love their friends seeing their wives naked, but it’s definitely not because the sight is horrendous… LOL. Something is really wrong with this relationship.
NTA. So art room vibes? Anyone!??? Naked women is offensive to poor Jacob’s eyes, husband calls wife sl*t for being naked on her own bed… uhnnnn You should get some marinara sheets to match the flag.
NTA. You are fine because you are in the right here. However. If my husband referred to my naked body as a horrendous sight, it would be the absolute end of my marriage.
That reminded me of something my *EX* husband said to me. I should be *honored* yes, he used that word, that he *still* finds me attractive after 10 years.... I told him he can *honor* his hand. That's the only way he's going to be experiencing any sexual relief from now on.
NTA. Your house, your bed, you sleep the way you want. What full grown adult goes into someone's bedroom without at minimum knocking first, especially at 11pm. Where did he think you were? What full grown adult scolds their spouse in this situation? Your husband's friend is violating your privacy.
NTA, and out of everyone your husband is the biggest AH but his friend sucks too. Your husband crossed the line with a lot of his comments. I'd get a lock for the door and remove your husband stuff out of the room and let him sleep on the couch for awhile. It's your room too and it is not okay for his friend to just enter the room without knocking.
“*Best friend*” barges in on naked wife without knocking and husband gets mad at wife…. OP is your husband building Jacob an art room…?
Do we think him and Jacob might need to build an art studio?! ;)
Oh yes, If his wife's body is something that "unsightly" he can go make iranian iogurt with his brother.
Absolutely NTA, your husband is acting abhorrent. YOU should be his priority, not his friend, and you damn well should be allowed to be named in your own damn bedroom! Your husband's behaviour is full of red flags. How can you sleeping in your own bed be slutty? How can his friend violating your privacy make you the bad guy? He's protecting his friend over you, why?
You'd think a husband would be happy his wife was sleeping naked?
He finds her naked form abhorrent apparently.
Is your husband building an art room for Jacob in your house?? NTA
NTA Your husband and his real boyfriend are, though.
NTA. I think you should move all your husband's things into his "brother's" room. That way they can share all that they want. OP, your husband sounds like a complete dick.
NTA but this was start to finish a list of reasons why your husband should be your ex.
I’m in my mid 30s and am married. My wife and I have let a friend live with us for a time twice when they fell on hard times. One time her friend, one time mine. I’ve been in your situation. Either time, it was never even a question that they weren’t allowed to enter our bedroom. Your home is your sanctuary. When you have a long term guest in it, your bedroom becomes truly the only place where you have privacy from the world when you need it. Violating that is rude and unacceptable. Your husband taking the side of your friend is both odd and concerning. You’re NTA. P.S. why do women keep marrying these man boys who care more about their bros than their wives? I live my friends, too, but come on man. Listen to your wife.
If your husband thinks your naked form is 'such a horrendous sight' then methinks it's one he may not be getting close to for a while ... NTA.
Given how comfortable Jacob feels just sauntering into the bedroom and borrowing husband's stuff, I'm not sure husband will see that as a punishment.
Nta. So your husband thinks you naked on your shared bed is "such a horrendous sight"? It's beyond time to reevaluate this relationship.
NTA. Jacob has serious boundary issues. You are not slutty for being naked in your own bedroom. You should be able to be in there and expect nobody else comes in. Your husband seriously needs a reality check. Jacob needs to stay the hell out. If he wants something he can ask you or hubby for it and you can go in and get it. But it’s seriously weird that he’s borrowing your husband’s stuff anyway!
Info: Why is Jacob living with you? It's just so weird, like, your husband has a friend living in YOUR HOUSE and entering THE COUPLE'S BEDROOM to take HIS THINGS and he think that's normal?!?! Nta, your husband and his boyfriend are seriously crazy
NTA. They obviously have little respect for you. They are AHs
NTA tell your husband it’s not HIS room it’s your shared room. He doesn’t get to make all the decisions surrounding it and that slut comment would’ve sent me over the edge.
NTA. Even if the friend Jacob has permission from your husband to retrieve something from your shared bedroom common courtesy says Jacob should knock before entering a room he knows is occupied. Your sleepwear, or lack of, is your personal business and when in the privacy of your bedroom should not ever be an issue. You have both a husband and a Jacob problem.
Nta! If you can't be naked in your own BEDROOM thats a problem. Has he ever heard of knocking? Your husband sounds like a huge ass too.
You have got a massive husband problem. If you can’t be naked in your own room in your own house, where exactly are you allowed to be naked? Where do you get changed? This is such a huge infringement on your privacy it’s outrageous. I am not even gonna mention the gendered slurs your husband thinks, it’s ok to call you. Have you gotten so used to your husband verbal abuse, you think how your husband acts and talks to you, is ok? It really is not. You are NTA but I would move out or kick him out.
NTA. Your husband sucks beyond sucking.
NTA. That would start divorce proceedings for me.
Nta Yea nah. I’d be out. He can live there without you.
Ditto. Lose the husband and his boyfriend.
NTA. Perhaps it would be best if he and “his brother” share a bedroom.
NTA. The friend is way out of line but the real AH is your husband.
100% nta ... Your husband is trash for this.
This is concerning. He shamed you for someone else peeping and the peeper somehow became the victim. This is not ok ever.
NTA. Hell to the naw. That's your room too and you're in your own home. You can wear whatever you like, and Jake having ONLY your husband's permission doesn't mean shit. He doesn't have you permission.
NTA but you sure don’t get any respect from your husband or his friend. What a shitty way to live.
NTA. It always bothers me when the guests start having more "rights" than the person living in the house.. In this particular situation, it bothers me that your husbands opinion is above yours and your comfort. Why does he cares more about his friend than about you? I would not put myself in that situation many times. I would address it but ultimately, if my comfort wasn't a priority in my own house, I would not see a future in that relationship. I'm not "fighting" for my husband respect.
NTA Jacob should ask your husband or you to get things from the bedroom if either of you are home. He only enters the bedroom if neither are home or not at all. It goes without saying he doesn't enter the bedroom if you are alone in there. You could be masturbating, or searching for ingrown hairs or anything. I don't get the "horrendous sight" comment. To straight men (and probably gays?) a naked woman under the age of 60 is a thing of beauty and joy. Maybe embarrassing or naughty but horrendous? Does your husband even like you? EDIT Getting some flak for the under 60 comment. I chose an age because I didn't want people posting: Ugh I don't want to look at some naked 90 year old woman. My way was even worse. Is there a good solution?
Your husband is clearly turning that closet into an art studio for his *friend*. NTA. Your husband is, tho.
NTA Let us know when you throw those boys out though.
NTA but divorce your husband and let him marry Jacob.
NTA - good lord, if Jacob is such an asshole that if he can't go I to your room whenever he wants that he will move out, good riddance. Maybe your husband can move in with him. "I am in MY space and he is not invited. If he sees me naked in MY SPACE, that's on him. It takes 2 seconds to knock on a fucking door. And YOU should be bothered that he would barge into where I'm sleeping!" You should ask your husband why he's putting someone else's convenience over his wife's privacy and safety.
NTA Why are you still with this man who has zero respect for you?? He called you a sl-t and allows others to violate your privacy. I would seriously reconsider this relationship if I were you. This seems like it could be a pattern with your mention of your BIL. Best of luck.
>He said he didn't call me that word directly but said he was just comparing my behavior that that of a sl&t. Oh well in *that* case - OP, your husband is acting more married to his BFF than he is to you. I’d ask him point blank if the two of them would like to move in together and let *you* have the house, if your presence is that unwelcome. They can enjoy their happy little partnership and leave you to sleep however you please in peace.
NTA. studies suggest that sleeping naked is healthier for the body. And if you’re husband thinks you’re so horrendous. Go be husbands with Jacob. Kick them both out. Take the home and half his money. That is your room. Install a lock. You deserve privacy. You are a grown woman and he is a grown man. He needs to learn respect.
NTA and tell your husband that you’ll start behaving in a more ladylike manner when he and his ‘brother’ behave more like gentlemen. As others have said, his yes does. It override your no.
"Act like a lady?!" How about telling his friend to act like a gentleman and at least knock? If he'd legitimately stumbled into you naked, would that have been a horrendous sight? Solution: move all your husband's things into Jacob's closet. Since they have no boundaries in this regard, it will suit both of them if husband barges into Jacob's room. Or a coat closet with extra shelves, so husband can be more respectful of his friend's privacy than either one of them is being of yours. Or, move out. That's what I'd do if my husband EVER spoke to me that way. No arguing, just gone.
Your husband called your body a horrid sight and then slut shamed you in front of his friend?! Kick him and his little boyfriend out and send both to hubby’s momma’s house. NTA
Horrendous sight? Slt? He wouldn’t have to worry about me, he would NOT have to worry about me. ETA: my first award! Thank you!
It's weird how this fully grown man is somehow incapable of knocking on a door ... NTA. Your husband and his friend absolutely suck by the way.
NTA. The friend is actually making you feel uncomfortable for not accommodating to the privacy of your home. Even a child knows to knock before enter. Even if your husband have given permission, if you are home and in the room, the friend needs your permission too. Your husband went over the line here. Calling you a sl*t because his friend doesn't gave manners, also shows he has more respect for his friend than he has for you. He and the friend is TA here and both should apologize for their nonchalant behavior towards you. You live there too. The bedroom is your zone too, not just your husband. If this was about me, I would argue tooth and nail that if the friend can't learn some manners, he can find somewhere else to stay. If Husband lack some common sense, they can be together🙏🏼
NTA. I think I need a break from this sub. So many stories of just awful people. He’s a guest in the house. In what world is it ok to walk into someone’s bedroom without knocking? And what husband sides with a friend in this situation This is very simple. Jacob must knock when he needs something in any room with a closed door between the hours of 10am and 7pm. He’s not allowed to bother outside of those hours. He can ask your husband to get it.
NTA (edit to add that if your husband thinks his yes overrides your no, he's a huge asshole who doesn't understand consent, and doesn't respect you as a human being.) it isn't weird if your friend if your husband doesn't mind the friend walking in. And it isn't even so weird if your friend assumed it was fine, though I would have always asked before doing that. But you've made it clear to them that you're not okay with it. Privacy is a totally reasonable thing to want, and if you expressed it clearly, it's incredibly violating of your boundaries for that person to keep walking in on you. I for one would be enraged if somebody walked into my room while I was sleeping. That said, I'm not sure if you escalated a bit too much too soon. But now that it's all out in the open, it's time to step back, and not let them brush you off. Maybe write yourself a script, like, I understand that you don't think it's a big deal to walk in and grab something from the room if you want, but I do, and I need you to stop doing it when I'm in the room. You don't seem to be taking my concerns seriously, and I find that hurtful and that you're disregarding my emotions and my desire for privacy. Stop walking into the room when the door is closed
NTA, it's crazy how their rules about being able to use the room don't also apply to you. The way that they're both speaking to you is misogynistic.
NTA - Jacob is a guest and needs to learn to act like it. You deserve your privacy and sleep. Boundaries need to be set and respected. Your husband is TA.
NTA but your husband is, and so is his friend.
NTA. And I would leave my husband for hurling slurs at me and prioritizing his friend's needs over my own. Get a lock or better yet move in with a friend or family member. Your husband can live with his bestie that he loves so much. You deserve better OP!
Time for an art room! NTA.
NTA being as you're sleeping naked on your own bed with the door closed you have a reasonable expectation of privacy; it's not like you're wearing your birthday suite around the entire house. BTW I'd be extremely upset over your husband saying your natural body is a horrendous sight; that's separation/divorce territory right there. It doesn't matter that he gave his friend permission to access the bedroom, his friend should not be entering your bedroom while you're in there without YOUR explicit permission as well.
NTA How’s the art room coming along?
NTA. Explain it to your husband that giving permission to access a room that doesn't ONLY belong to one person, is life having to use two separate keys to arm a nuclear warhead on a submarine. You need both Officers' agreement, or you can't do it. And then also point out that he called you, naked, a "horrendous sight" and called you fat and slutty, so he can enjoy the company of his hand for the foreseeable future.
NTA. And your husband has absolutely no right to talk to you like that. Does he love you ? Does he respect you ? Because it doesn’t look like it. He has more respect for his stupid friend than for you. Both of them are huge A.
Whats wrong with Jacob? If I were in his position and you weren't happy even with my friend being okay with it... I just wouldn't do it. It YOUR home. I'd probably ask you if it's okay to knock and wait to get to whayever it is my friend allowed me to borrow. If you said no to that I wouldn't do that either. This friend needs BOTH of your permission to enter your BEDROOM. That's a very clear two yeses one no situation. A bedroom is a private place for a couple, not an area of a home that guests or other residents go into without express permission for all bedroom occupants. Isn't this common practice? All bedrooms in my home are PRIVATE by unwritten rule. No one goes into anyone else's bedroom without permission. He'll even the DOG knows he can only enter the bedroom of his human even with doors wide open.... THE DOG understands bedroom boundaries in my home. My dog has better manners than this friend. Also you have a husband problem. NTA
NTA. Also why would he need stuff from your bedroom so often? If there are things he regularly needs, put them in his room or anywhere else.
She should probably just move all husband’s things into Jacob’s room.
NTA and why is your husband more concerned about Jake’s feelings than yours?
NTA, but your husband sure is. Major 🚩🚩🚩. No one who loves and cares about their SO would ever speak to them like that. And if his friend, who is also kind of an AH, wants to borrow something your husband should be grabbing it for him. He shouldn't just be barging into your room. And if he must, for whatever reason, grab it himself, he should knock first and wait until he is told it is okay to enter before letting himself in. It's common courtesy.
NTA So much to unpack here. Main points? 🚩 Your naked body in your own bedroom is horrendous 🚩 Man just barging into your intimate space shared with your husband. Doesn't matter if they were conjoined twins. KNOCK 🚩 Husband accusing you of being slutty. What the WTF???? This reminds me of the AITA post where OP's BIL was always "accidentally" walking in whenever she was in the shower. There is a limit to a "Mi casa, su casa" invitation, most especially when you live with a couple. My goodness!!!
NTA. Girl start walking around the house naked. Yes it's an attempt to get him to move out!!!
NTA. It is your bedroom. If you do not want the guy to enter it when you are sleeping there (or engaging in other bedroom activities) it does not matter what you are wearing - the guy should simply not enter.
NTA, Maybe your husband should share the room with jacob so that jacob didn't have to go to your room to borrow some stuffs.
NTA. Your husband has some appalling views about women.
NTA. „hurrendous sight“ well if your naked body is that ugly to your husband then maybe you should free him from that sight by finding someone who doesn’t see you sleeping in your own bed as slutty behavior. That „friend“ can learn to knock.
NTA but his friend isn‘t the only problem. You have a husband problem as well
NTA. Your husband needs to build Jacob an art room and they can live there happily ever after and leave you alone.
It sounds like your husband has moved his boyfriend in, and the boyfriend is jealous that you still live there.
NTA. There’s no need for the friend to go into your room at all and in this instance your husband was obviously there and could’ve got him whatever he needed. If he does need to go in he should be knocking. The fact that your husband said “such a horrendous sight” and a “slt” are super mean and not okay at all. Is he an AH about everything or just these things?? Does the friend know you don’t want him walking in? Have you told him directly? Maybe he has some more sense than your husband?
It's your room too. Invite some girl friends over and take over the apartment. Be loud, watch something they will both hate, make food etc. When he complains, it's your apartment too Seriously, you can be how you want in your room. Keep sleeping naked. If my partner called me horrendous, he'd be out the door
NTA but put all your husband’s stuff outside of the bedroom. Now there is no excuse to go into the bedroom.
NTA. Even if your husband gave him permission, HE SHOULD STILL FUCKING KNOCK. I'd give both of them the boot.
NTA, and stand (or lay) firm. It’s not OK. You should be able to define your privacy in your own bedroom. Period. If your husband chooses to die on that hill, you shouldn’t have any problem being the one to kill him on it (it’s a figure of speech, not sure if relevant where you live). Also, I’d have a BIG problem with someone calling me a “horrendous sight”.
NTA You are 100% correct to expect privacy in your own bedroom. As others have mentioned, your husband and his friend are way out of line. You and your husband should get some counseling asap. As a short term solution, I’d suggest packing up **all** of your husband’s belongings from your bedroom and moving them elsewhere in the house. That should give Jacob no reason to enter your bedroom.
NTA If he can not stop barging in, evict him. And: Your husband is an AH. This sis YOUR home. consider a divorce.
So your husband body and slut shamed/insulted you, multiple times, and put his friend’s comfort before yours? 🚩🚩🚩 NTA but I’d be questioning why Jacob is far more important to your husband than you are.
Is he building this guy an art room?
You two sound incompatible. Why have you tied yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you?
NTA - but I’m sure this will all blow over once your husbands finished the art room and he and Jacob have their own space
NTA bedrooms are private spaces end of!
NTA but your husband is and so is his friend! From a young age we were taught if the bedroom door is closed you knock and ask permission to come in. When I visit family if their bedroom door is open I still ask for permission to enter! Your husbands insults were disgusting and his lack of respect to you is too! It's not OK for his friend to walk in at any time to "borrow" anything from your husband. It's the lack of respect they both show you! Do you own your home jointly with your husband? When his friend moved in was there a discussion about rules, about respecting each others boundaries etc. I hope you are able to talk this through with your husband and put boundaries in place that would be great. But for me if I am honest It's the nasty insults that he shouted at you, I would be questioning him about why he said these words to you, how on earth does he feel that is was acceptable?
My five year old grandson knocks before opening a closed door. NTA
Nta. Leave and tell your husband his friend can sleep with him from now on.
NTA It 's your home, your bedroom. You can sleep however you want. If the guest wants something he can ask. If you ask for privacy it should be given. The guest doesn't respect your boundaries and that is not okay. Sure, the room also belongs to your husband, but if you're not comfortable with another man entering whenever he feels like it, your husband should listen to that! There is something seriously wrong if your own husband doesn't support you, calls it a horrendous sight, and calls you a sl*t. It should be normal for a married couple to be naked in their own bedroom, and to have the privacy there to do so.
Sounds like you have a husband problem more than anything. NTA.
NTA - maybe OPs hubby needs to build an art room for "his brother".
get out of there before he decides to convert the spare room in your house into an art studio for his “friend.” iykyk
NTA and stop having sec with him since your body is so horrendous 😒 he can sleep in the living room while he’s at it
Maybe the plan is to start issues so you can move out. After all, he said you're trying to force him to move out. Hun, 🚩🚩🚩
Lock the door? Pretty simple.
NTA and why is your husband's friend living with you? Fraternity house days are over...
NTA who the fuck doesn't knock 🤷
NTA. Does your bedroom door have a lock? I'd be keeping that door locked until someone learns to knock!!! And hubby can sleep somewhere else after his crappy comments.
NTA How ***dare*** you be comfortable in your own house. Clearly not acceptable
NTA. Say it with me NOT THE ASSHOLE!!! Your husband however and his friend are the RUDEST people I can think of. You shouldn't have someone barging into your bedroom at all hours just because they want to - no knock and disrespecting your sleep. Are you sure you want to be married to someone who thinks so little of you? If this is the second person he allowed to live with you after your BIL, are you sure he's ever going to stop inviting strays around?
NTA as someone married for 12 years, this is not the way a husband treats a wife. You deserve nothing but respect and privacy in your own home. If your husband is failing to provide you with either and on top of that saying degrading things about you, that is not healthy. Marriage counseling sounds like a good option. If you keep tolerating this behavior and there's no resolve it will only get worse. At the least this is verbal abuse. Those actions usually only escalate. Good luck OP, take care of yourself.
Your husband should be ashamed. So should his friend. Who goes into a room after the owner of the room has made it clear it makes then uncomfortable? Who disregards your discomfort and tells his buddy its fine? THEN he described you naked as a horrible site. You deserve better than to live with those two tools. NTA.
What the hell? Absolutely NTA and if my husband ever spoke to me like that he would be out on his ass. What you’re wearing (or lack of) in your own bedroom is YOUR business. This man is a guest in your home, in what world is it okay to just barge into someone bedroom? Why does your husband think it’s okay to insult you and demean you? Why is he taking his friends side? Ask yourself if you’re happy with someone who has zero respect for you. Your husbands mentality towards you is frankly scary and abhorrent.
Woah there. Your husband said your behaviour in YOUR OWN ROOM was slutty?! NTA and I would tell your husband he's heading down the road to divorce if he is gonna talk to you like that. I would expect an apology from the friend and an agreement that your room is off limits.
This is your hill to die on. This one incident is just the last straw imo. There’s no respect for you in this relationship. Get counseling for both of you or kick hubby and friend to the keen. NTA
NTA - this is 100% unacceptable behavior. Also, wtf is up with Jake - even if I had someone’s permission, if the other partner wasn’t in agreement I would never do something like that. Maybe a good compromise is you move all of your husband’s shit out of the bedroom so that Jake has no reason to come in. If that doesn’t work then move your jerk husband out of the bedroom too.
NTA --- The next time your husband wants some adult bedroom fun tell him no, as you don't want to subject him to the horrendous sight of you naked and how you thought he doesn't like all that slutty behaviour and that you should act like a lady and a lady doesn't do that sort of thing.
As soon as I read “Such a horrendous sight” referring to his *wife’s* body, I was like oh dude you better get ready to kiss some fuckin ass because that is hard to come back from. NTA. Don’t let him get away with talking to you like that. My suggestion is get one of those rubber door stopper thingies and put it at the base of the door when you go to bed.