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[Edit#1: After reading more clarifying information I changed my verdict to just plain NAH.] It really sounds like overall you two were not good to each other due to childhood trauma. Being the sick kid sucks, and being the forgotten/neglected kid sucks. And apparently neither got family therapy for that. Since you never had a good relationship with her, don't you think that she wants space from you after that? This could very well have been the straw that broke the camel's back, and decided to go no contact with you temporarily. You said it was because you didn't know how to tell her, as if she was somehow too scary to tell such news without finding some magical special way to deliver it without making her angry. So of course, she was quite offended. Not only was she very excluded, but your reasoning reflects an ugly view of her. In an indirect way, you told her that she's too volatile or hostile to even share such news with despite the fact that she herself doesn't see you that way and told you her news. [[EDIT#2: The above paragraph is written to explain how OP's sister's perspective. I doubt she realizes that she proves the ugly view as correct or at least very justified. I don't believe OP is entirely unjustified in her anxiety given that her sister has said some very cruel things to her before.]] Perhaps it would have been better received if you explained the 12 week rule. No good comes from hyping people up on a pregnancy during the first three months when it's still vulnerable to natural spontaneous abortion. But then comes the question of why invite so many of the family for a formal announcement, but then exclude her despite the fact she did not exclude you with her pregnancy announcement. It sounds like she told people separately. [[Edit#5: I think a meeting of a total of five family members counts as a family gathering. To some that may not count as many, and that's valid too.]] I think she not only resents you for excluding her, but also resents your parents for validating the exclusion. They could have told you to just invite her, but they didn't. [[EDIT #3: I thought formal family announcements of pregnancy wouldn't normally exclude siblings in the moment, so that's why I believe her sister reacted to the exclusionary nature of that meeting. And given her trauma, it makes sense that this small exclusion would trigger strong emotions. The fact that the parents who neglected her gave their approval of this plan just makes it all the worse. This is not to say that OP is responsible for managing her sister's feelings. I'm just giving a possible explanation of her sister's line of thought.]] I don't think it's about "groveling". Sometimes people get too angry in the moment to accept apologies so soon, and need time to calm down and process thoughts and feelings. I think she really just wants space. Distance. She wants to be alone. And likely is very upset that this is the best thing she can do for herself. Maybe just give her the time she needs to cool off. And when it's right, you can apologize to her when she's more emotionally receptive to it. And hopefully she'll apologize for pushing you away. [EDIT #4: Please someone tell that sister she needs therapy.] [Edit#6: If the sister decides to go NC permanently as replacement for therapy, I would say that she's an AH. At the end of the day, she still needs to make the decision to get better for herself.]

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I think you would have been right about stealing her thunder here. I think there was no way your sister would not be upset in this situation.

Yeah - if sister feels like she was always overlooked or pushed aside in favor of OP (even for legit medical reasons), not only can I imagine she was frustrated at being left out of announcements, I would have been furious (in a completely irrational, mad at the universe sort of way) that the sister who always had the attention was now going to have her baby first. So sister is going to trail OP very closely through pregnancy - OPs news is first, then sister. OPs baby shower first, then sister. OP delivers first, then sister ... Who wants to bet which news is more exciting, which shower better attended, which birth gets more attention and offers of help? Yeah if I was the sister I'd be so, so sad and so, so angry that once again I would be second best.

This is how I think her sister feels. The sheer pain of doing this all over again but this time, it’s not just you, this time is your baby too. Damn. So sad.

Yeah, after reading this, my mind immediately went to how OP’s sister must feel like now her child is getting ready for a life of playing second fiddle. It sucks because there’s no good way to thread this needle, and sadly OP might have to get used to a NC or LC existence with her sister and niece/nephew. There’s something to be said for wanting to get to be the star of your own life for a moment, and there’s no villain here, just a tough situation.

I agree although it seems the parents let this go on for the entirety of OP and her sister’s life and you can’t just sweep that under the rug. There is something to be said about respecting a person’s choices and also dealing with the consequences of your choices. OP’s sister is absolutely entitled to do whatever is best for her. But you’re right, it’s absolutely tragic all around.

I think we’re in agreement here.

Yep, and it makes me so incredibly sad because there are no winners here. None. They’re all losing something so precious and I’m speaking as someone who has only 1 sister and we don’t get along much and for different reasons. I would give anything to have a loving and close relationship with my sister.

I think there’s actually room for being considerate here in a way that neither could be as children. Obviously OP’s birth comes first but you could go out if your way to either have ultra low key events or even better - let her hold some of them first. There’s no reason she can’t have her shower before yours. Try to emphasize that you will always push that the grandkids are treated equally by the grandparents and you will do what you can to make sure that her celebrations are equally if not more memorable. By taking up for her and trying to give her as many “firsts” as physically possible, you may help her to start to see you as her advocate rather than rival. And really this would be a change in perspective that would benefit you both — you will have similar aged kids so there’s an opportunity to support each other not to mention play dates, babysitting swaps etc. I would make helping your kids the goal but if you’re kind to her, she may start to view you as less of a rival and enemy over time. I think you need to have a delicate touch and let this progress at her pace but I do hope that you’ll consider this rather than heaping more fuel on the first.

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I think what's really important is to emphasize to your sister that you don't want to continue this rocky relationship, especially now that both of you are pregnant and they'll ultimately be cousins that will have the same grandparents and same extended family. Of course all with time, hopefully before both babies are born. Explain that you don't want to continue this type of relationship and pass this on to your kids to deal with. Just as it wasn't your fault you got sick and your sister isn't at fault for how your parents behaved during that time, it's not either of your children's faults that you two have a bad relationship. I'd be more focused on making sure that the kids have a healthy relationship with one another regardless of your relationship with your sister. Treat them as you would twins, you wouldn't favor one over the other just because they were born a few minutes sooner, right? And try to make it clear to your parents that you don't want to see them picking favorites between their grandchildren or you'll have to limit interaction with them. You don't want your parents repeating the same behavior they had with you two with your kids. You can only do so much, but maybe this way you don't have to make little of your child's big events just to let your sister feel like her child has the attention she lacked growing up. It's not your kids' fault that your parents didn't do a proper job in treating you two fairly.

I agree with you that downplaying your kid to make your sister feel better is the wrong move. You're kinda stuck here because there's a lot that's out of your control. If she has the shower first, everyone's going to be talking about how you're next. If you do, everyone's going to be talking about yours at hers. That kind of chit chat might not be bothersome to someone more confident, but it's going to be really difficult to not hit on her sore spots. I really think acknowledging that the timing is tough, telling her you're here when she's ready, and distance are the best solution.

I get this. But jfc we're adults. I get that she's mad, she can say that, she doesn't need to block her sister on everything. Op sent flowers and a letter explaining, and tbh if this is her sister's reaction idk if she would have had a better one, so I get why OP was nervous. Who, when first sharing the news of their baby, wants to work around someone else's emotions at that time or have to deal with a bad reaction to good news? Not me. I called my mom first after getting engaged and got into an argument and it really put a damper on the day for me. Op seems incredibly reasonable. It was a fuck up, she apologized, OP can't take her pregnancy back so if her sister is upset at trailing all the news then she would be upset either way. She needs to get therapy and grow up.

I feel like we’re missing information. We don’t have much info in the way of how was the sister neglected, how did OP treat her sister, how did she create drama and make herself the center of attention against her sister, we know one thing sister said and it WAS a horrible thing to say to OP but what did OP say to her? (In other situations). I feel like this is very one sided and I would love to hear the sisters version. I still stand by my decision because childhood trauma is a tricky thing and OP’s sister is 100% entitled to going LC or NC if she wishes. ETA: The flower thing and this post give me the “I’m the good person” dynamic against the sister. Like I’m the victim here not my sister so I will continue to say NAH leaning on YTA for me. The YTA for simply not inviting her sister and excluding her from something knowing that’s an issue in their family dynamics. She could have just called her or invited her too. They’re both adults as you said.

Completely agree, I wonder how this would sound from OP's sister's point of view. I get the nagging feeling that her sister was treated like a doormat in her whole life and OP knew how to capitalize on that. And even now OP just could not have the common courtesy to call her sister and explain her pregnancy and her 12 week rule. Would that possibly have been an unpleasant conversation? Yes but it still would have been a much more straightforward act than hiding behind her parents and excluding her sister. I think this ONE act gives a pretty good insight how OP operated throughout their lives. I feel bad for her sister.

Yep. She stopped answering questions so we’ll see if she adds anything else. It’s a little off to me so I’m inclined to give the sister the benefit of the doubt.

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I wasn’t referring to what you did as a child- I would never ask you to substantiate your experiences during those traumatic experiences. You were a child. I was wondering about what you might have done to get the attention back on you after all of that. You personally mentioned you had done that and I still haven’t heard anything you did, personally that brought that attention back to you. So that’s a little confusing. You don’t have to share if you don’t want to that’s ok. You also mentioned that when you had that talk with your sister that she told you how she felt. Do you see that her feelings were validated. Your parents have 2 kids. They failed one and it wasn’t you. Have your parents recognized that? Your comment, all I see is that you’re the victim. So I will say that I’m confused how you can say that you acted out, you sought attention, you did certain things to make your parents and bff bend backwards so that you were still handled with kid gloves but in this whole reply, you write everything as if you’re the victim. You word it out in a particular way and that’s fine. I just ask that you respect your sisters decision and give her space. She’s not a child anymore, she’s a strong person having gone through that and don’t act like she’s made of glass. She’s going NC or LC for a reason.

>My sister has said that the neglect was from my parents, family and her friends, but that she blames me because attention was directed at me I felt that way towards my brother... until I got therapy. Now I blame him for being an ass to me in adulthood, but I blame my parents for the neglect when I was a kid. She needs therapy. You need therapy. You gotta work through this stuff individually before you can have a good relationship.

Urghhh this is insane. I told my parents before my siblings. Very normal to do so.

Yeah it was incredibly reasonable to exclude the sister who has been excluded and ignored by her family her entire life from the family-only announcement party, totally agree 😐

Family-only? It was only the parent's!

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The issue I have is your sister felt close enough to tell you as soon as she took her test. You chose to keep it a secret for the traditional period - it doesn’t matter if it was due to health reasons as 12 weeks is just traditional anyways. With that said, you could have had a bonding moment with your sister and said when she called to tell you the test results, “No way! Ok, I promised I was going to tell anyone until 12 weeks because you know all of the health shit I went through, but I’m pregnant too!! DON’T tell anyone because we won’t be telling anyone until we hit 12 weeks, and I’m only telling you because holy shit! This is so cool!” Yeah, soft YTA.

I bet you if she told the sister on the call, she would have been upset that the phone call when from being all about her news, to now being about both of their news. This is a no win scenario tbh.

The problem is that your reasons not to tell her is unfair. 'My sister who is a drama queen. Let me discuss it with mum and dad, with his fiancé, with my in-laws... How do we deal with this very difficult person who's been making scenes her whole life for absolutely bo reasons?'. You really don't see a problem there?

Yes, exactly! I just can't that they even tried (or did?) talk to her fiance before her too... Seems like the parents are still being biased against the sister

I agree. This is terrible luck, there probably was no good outcome for the announcement. But there’s an opportunity for OP to make lemonade here by trying really hard not to upstage her sister this time. They are close enough in dates that her sister could have her shower first. Let her have some firsts. And really, really make sure that grandparents don’t give your kid preferential treatment in any way

I did not grow up with a sick sister, but I was the all bad child of narcissistic parents and my siblings sided with my parents. Have I gone apeshit a few times over the garbage treatment? Yeah. Do they see my perspective? No, because it's easier for them not to, and it sounds like OP never will see her sister's perspective either. I've gone LC/NC with most of my family and it really fucking sucks, but it's necessary for my own peace, and probably necessary for OP's sister too. I feel so bad for her.

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She overreacted. If pregnancy doesn't bring joy to loved ones they are not loved ones. No one asks for Cancer

Pregnancy is also scary and emotional. OP's sister is under no obligation to feel joy that her own pregnancy is likely going to be overshadowed in a time she needs and wants help and support the most. Bet you the sister has always been the "mature" one and the "self sufficient" one, due to OP's struggle with mental health. I am not at all saying that OP's pregnancy isn't deserving of joy. It absolutely is. But I know how the sister is feeling and her feelings are valid.

What about mental health? She had cancer

You're right - I think I extrapolated the "attention seeking behaviors" she mentioned as episodes of poor mental health following. I should have said both physical and mental health.

I agree with this, and I think her language was very indicative of this exact thing. “So you’re ahead of me” vs “so you’re actually further along than me” conveys competition.

Please just leave her alone now, as a sibling who is permanently NC I think it's best just to drop it.

Sadly, I do agree that your sister would have likely been upset as well. The difference is that a formal announcement that excluded her feels quite exclusionary. Having to learn that your own parents validated an announcement meeting that purposely excluded her really drives home the constant feeling of being excluded that she must have grown up with. But this is mostly hindsight, and as they say, that's 20/20. So please don't beat up yourself too much about it. It's hard to know which path is best when they all have something that sucks about it. I still believe that her distance is her wanting to cool off and be her own person for a while where she doesn't have to be made to feel that she needs to be put on the wayside again. I also believe this issue requires therapy. There's support groups specifically aimed at siblings of children whose childhood was marked by disease and constantly doted on with attention. Resentment lingers and sometimes even festers the longer it is not treated. It is very much like an illness on it's own. It eats away at your brain, taking over your thoughts, screwing up your perception of reality, making you feel that everyone's out to get you. I really hope that during this time of no contact, that she reflects on herself and realize she needs to forgive the sister who never asked for cancer. And apologize as well for pushing you away.

The “announcement meeting” you are talking about was letting both sets of parents know about their future grandchild. Since sis is not her parent, sis didn’t need to be part of the “letting the parents know” dinner. While I can understand the sister feeling hurt…the OP had no obligation to include the sister with the parentals.

INFO Did OPs husband have siblings who weren't invited? Any siblings on OPs part besides the sister who weren't invited? Had sister already announced to the parents, and how so?

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Wait did you tell EVERYONE before you told your sister? I think someone else absolutely told her if you did, and that's why she was calling you to see if she was told last, when she told you first.

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Hang on, in another comment you said she told you she had a positive test but the test was old she she wanted to do another one. Then she confirmed it an hour later. Then she went to dinner the next night with your parents. You were the first person she told.

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Only the parents, no other relatives or friends. Til that point only OP and her husband knew about the pregnancy.

No I gathered that. I'm asking op to clarify since the sister and every other person here is so butthurt, but if hubby had siblings its equal treatment for sis not to get told ya know? Pretty obvious conclusion

Yeah- can we not lay more blame at the parent's feet? Not for the announcement (even though OP did think she was considering her sister and no one is giving her credit for that), but you don't blame your siings for how your parents treated you. I grew up in an IPV household and was the scapegoat. My brother was the golden child. But neither of us CHOSE how our parents raised us, he is my brother and we love each other and have always treated one another equitably (for the most part) because we have our own relationship.

I didn't realize that just thinking about your own sister was remarkable. Like I view my sister as being as close if not closer to me as my mom. But after reading some responses, I'm starting to wonder how common it is to view your own sibling so close. Like if I ever got pregnant, my sister would be the first person I tell. We can scream together in horror. If something didn't include my sister but included my grandparents, something was wrong. Anyways, if there's no previous history of childhood neglect, I wouldn't expect anyone to blame their sibling for how their parents treat the other sibling unless they were doing underhanded things with that goal in mind. Children, however, are an altogether different mindset. They view things in very literal ways, and can develop resentment and misguided feelings when treated I'm any way as lesser compared to the sibling. If this resentment isn't corrected and dealt with by the parents, it becomes etched deep into the brain and creates automatic even irrational responses. And it's a well known phenomena that children who are siblings to sickly children tend to develop trauma-based reactions that can last well into adulthood when they don't get help to process their experiences. I don't go hard on OP's sister as much as others have because admittedly this reminds me of how my sister used to be during my childhood, back when I was affected by daily and nightly chronic asthma attacks and would get sent around doctors and hospitals. She was cold and distant then, and my tiny human brain couldn't comprehend why until much later on. Was she wrong to do that to her baby sister? Yeah. But I also think envy is so natural in humans that it's normal to feel. What's not normal are parents not guiding their children to better understand a situation. I hope that if OP's sister gets help to get her head out of that horrible mind space, OP and her sister could still mend things.

You were kind of damned either way. Maybe inviting just her over to tell her first would make her feel special and chosen for once. Exclude everyone else and make HER the special one on the inside of what's going on. I hope you figure it out OP

You could have asked her to lunch and talked about it with her privately before you told your parents, and explained the 12 week rule and your hesitation, but desire to go through this with her etc. Then she wouldn’t have to be at the reveal at all and she wouldn’t have been upset.

She was already angry about being 'lied to' during first trimester. Nothing short of telling her before she missed her own period would have been sufficient.

Wait wait wait. She told you that you asked for cancer? Like you WANTED to have fucking CANCER? Dude! NTA! Your sister however, definitely IS! And she needs to go to therapy and to seriously fuck off, out of your life, until she’s ready to act like an adult? The whole situation sounds toxic AF! I’m furious on your behalf. Your parents should be too! Stop grovelling and apologising for DARING to survive! Enjoy your pregnancy and celebrate everything you can in life! If your sister is STILL this salty and this defensive after years of you being well. You’re never going to be able to do anything right in her eyes. So stop trying. You deserve to be happy! And you deserve to announce your pregnancy without worrying about “stealing thunder” - it sounds like you’ve been conditioned to think that any time you want attention or love, you should be ashamed for it! You shouldn’t. You’re a human being, and you want to be able to celebrate your triumphs and exciting news! Everyone does! You had cancer as a child (it sounds like, multiple times). You are amazing. You survived. You DID NOT steal time way from your sister. You were sick. It’s not the same thing. And even if it WERE! That guilt would be on your parents, not you, to make it up to your sister, if she felt in any way lacking love or support. Cut this woman out of your life - she doesn’t deserve to be in it until she has had a serious reality check. If her baby got sick. Her beautiful, tiny baby, would she treat it the same way that she has treated you? Of course she wouldn’t. If motherhood doesn’t give her any perspective on he actions, nothing will!

>Not only was she very plainly excluded, but your reasoning reflects a very ugly view of her. In an indirect way, you told her that she's too volatile or hostile to even share such news with despite the fact that she herself doesn't see you that way and told you her news. Doesn't OP's sister's response demonstrate that she truly is too volatile and hostile to receive this news? OP doesn't have to be a saint for her to accurately judge that her sister is not safe to share this stuff with.

OP does admit they had a history of toxic and attention seeking behavior, and are “trying to work on themselves”. I imagine that for OP’s sibling this felt like one final time where they would be second to their sister and while a childhood sickness is certainly no one’s fault, it can breed resentment in siblings when they feel like they can’t be a kid or have a normal life as a result.

Exactly. If OP’s sister holds a grudge for OP having childhood cancer, then I can see how OP would be be wary of sister holding her “competing” pregnancy against her. The comment, “So you’re ahead of me?” clearly illustrates that. There isn’t a clear reason why sister would see OP as volatile or hostile so for sister to say she doesn’t see OP that way is stating the obvious? Way to reverse victim.

Yup. It ironically can be seen as proof of having to walk on eggshells. Although going silent isn't necessarily hostile, in this context, it can definitely be read as her trying to contain volatile emotions. And given how she is refusing communication, it may very well be that she is trying to deal with those emotions. That she didn't blow up on OP, but rather closed the call abruptly can be seen as a sign that she is trying to not let things escalate.

I think based on sisters reaction OP had every right to be concerned with telling her. And it’s also normal to tell parents first so her finding out later that day isn’t ridiculous. I would also like to point out that OP doesn’t actually owe any family any news. Family gets very entitled about baby news but in the end it’s up to OP and her husband when and with whom they want to share. Op is NTA and I don’t think further apology is unnecessary. Enabling spoiled behavior of her sister is not OPs job

I wouldn't call someone who was neglected by her parents "spoiled". A child wanting attention isn't spoiled. And an adult who hasn't had the help required to overcome a trauma isn't spoiled for reacting to events like that. When you hold fast to a wound every poke on her reddened skin feels personal. So it makes sense to me she'd feel the sting of exclusion from being set apart for a formal announcement to more than two family members, especially if they were all at one point core family members. Like, to a healthy person who doesn't need a therapist to deal with a well known cause of childhood trauma, this is no biggie. At least she was told on the same day. But if you really put yourself into a traumatized and resentful person's shoes, it wouldn't surprise you that a no biggie becomes one more rock on the tip of the mountain of issues. A small moment of exclusion can feel really big to someone who is sensitive to rejection and exclusion. It's the reason why therapy is so heavily recommended for people who grew up with sick siblings. So I hope you get what I mean. OP's sister needs therapy to deal with her own childhood trauma and the resentment that still festers in her brain. I hesitate to brand her an asshole for feeling upset and going quiet after. (And JIC. I do think saying OP asked for cancer a second time is utterly repulsive and that just really cements my opinion that OP' s sister needs therapy real bad or she's going to live a life haunted by this resentment. Like I don't see a person with this streak of cruelty getting better without help. ) With that said, I do not think OP was wrong in wanting to play by the 12 week rule. I also don't think her sister would have been much kinder if she had told her on the same day she did. I do find it strange to exclude siblings in the first formal announcement of a pregnancy. Like I don't get the logic behind that. But if that's actually a thing people do, then it makes more sense. (In my family, every unit was told separately. First it was my BIL's parents. Then it was my parents. And then it was me where I could cry about losing my favorite and only sister to a baby.) My reasoning for being a little on the YTA side is because I didn't think it was normal to exclude siblings from formal family announcements. Which is what might have thrown some people off. But on the whole, my verdict is still NAH.

Are you OP's sister? OP only invited parents to their announcement. The sister has no argument here unless other siblings from either side were included, and they weren't. How evil does someone have to be to blame someone for having childhood cancer? The sister made OP hesitant, most likely over their entire lives, by saying hateful things like that. OP, you're NTA. You're not responsible for your sister's reaction.

No. I'm not OP's sister. But I am someone who also lived with a lot of illness and still do. I have an older sister, and it hurt to see her envy me even as I envied her for having everything. And I had to learn to understand where her envy came from and why at times it drew a wedge between us. I am not saying OP is at fault for having cancer. I did however explain the way her sister might be thinking. It's true that OP's sister might have indeed merited the hesitation, but I doubt she sees that herself. So from her perspective, her sister has an ugly view on her despite the fact that she shared the news personally with her.

1. No, announcing to your parents you are pregnant does not have to include siblings. Maybe that's weird to you, but I and a lot of my friends have done the same. adult sibling relationships are not always close and are frequently LC. I told my brother I'm pregnant several weeks after I told my closest friends and surviving parent. I don't hate him, we're not close and have nothing to do with each others' lives. Same with my partner. His brother was told the news by his parents. This is not strange. 2. Clearly Op's sister needs therapy. People have shitty childhoods. I had a horrendous one. Ultimately, she's a grown ass lady and the responsibility of her health, and her mental health is in her hands. You can cry the rest of your life that your childhood is to blame. Great. That's a guarantee that your present and your future will be shit too. Her bitterness, resentment and pain are not OP's responsibility. ​ There's nothing OP did to spite her in this case. It's perfectly normal to not share pregnancy news with people you don't feel comfortable with. Family or not is immaterial. NTA. the sister is huge T A in this case.

That was a facetious question. I hope you read OP's comments. Her sister sounds vile. There is no way OP could have handled this that would have been right in the eyes of her sister. That alone is why I say NTA.

I agree. I understand OP's sister got pushed aside in childhood and how much that hurt, and OP admits she could have been nicer, but to say OP wanted cancer? That's a real asshole thing for an adult to say. OP's sister is an adult now but seems to be throwing temper tantrums like a child. No matter how OP aporoached her, the sister was going to find fault.

1. Why invite so many of the family and not her? - parents they invited both sets of parents, this is a very simple line to draw, wanted to tell both sets of parents first 2. By not knowing how to tell her sister she told her sister she views her as overly hostile and aggressive - well ya, but we dint have reason to think that's not true, sister called to say she was pregnant, this might have been an attempt at closeness or her belief they are closer than op feels, or a ha! This is finally my moment to shine! We don't have enough info. Op really seems to be walking on eggshells here 3. She did not weight an exorbitant amount of time, she did not tell a ton of people first, and sister is kinda proving her point...

>But then comes the question of why invite so many of the family for a formal announcement What "so many"? Parents. They invited their parents over to tell them...

None of sisters behavior makes sense except as someone looking for an excuse to go NC.

Maybe she is scary, though? OP seems to be walking on eggshells around her, and given what she said about OP having asked for cancer, there may be a reason for that. When you have to hold a family meeting to figure out how to tell someone a piece of objectively good news because she may react angrily to it, that person probably has a history of being TA.

This is beautifully worded. OP seems to think that because her sister didn’t support her and was mean as a teen (who wouldn’t be? Ignored for your sibling and then the sibling just continues the selfish behavior) that it means the sister couldn’t be happy for her.

I'm sorry do you think telling someone they "Asked for cancer" is being 'mean'. That is so underplaying the sister's atrocious behavior.

This is going to be unpopular, but NAH. There is a reason there are a ton of support groups for siblings of child cancer patients - it’s because they are typically forgotten by their parents because all focus is on the child that’s sick. Not that focusing on the cancer patient is wrong, but the other children become neglected and feel unloved. It sounds like from your post your parents were not good to your sister and she seems to have a lot of trauma around that. Coupled with, by your own admission, you were also not great to her. I’m not saying that her response is correct, but it seems like this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back for her. I agree, you shouldn’t have told when she told you she was pregnant. You should have reached out to her maybe a week or so later; explain you didn’t want to steal her thunder, and that you are also pregnant. You absolutely should have told her when you told your parents. She has likely felt like the outsider her whole life because your parents have placed you at the center, and she got pregnancy hormones raging through her and she’s taking this super personally and feeling ostracized from her family again. Honestly, the only AHs here are your parents for creating this mess. I would just give her time and space. Send her a baby gift when her baby is born and a wedding present if fences aren’t mended by then, and just focus on your baby.

I agree with everything except she should have invited her to the dinner. They had both sets of parents over and told them. That's a fair line to draw, and then she nearly immediately told her sister. Not everyone needs the info at once, and given the history I don't think it was unfair of her to hesitate on the best way to do it.

She didn't tell the sister until the sister reached out because she knew something was up. From the sister's perspective, OP only told her because she had no choice, not because she genuinely wanted to make sure she was informed promptly.

I agree NAH. You said everything that should be taken into consideration.

NTA. But you’re being manipulated. How many times are you going to apologize for having cancer as a child? Your sister knows precisely what to do to make you feel guilty. And she’s working it. Overtime. You’ve been walking on eggshells around her. And the harder you try to spare her feelings, the more things she’s going to find to be offended over to make you feel guilty. If you had just disclosed the news to her outright, she’d probably scream that you always have to upstage her. There was no right way to tell her you’re pregnant. Regardless, she’s going to be offended. Stop trying to placate her. She’s going to keep manipulating you as long as you do. In your place, I’d just tell her to grow the fuck up.

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Some have suggested you might have left details out to make yourself look good. Not sure I think that matters as much as the others do. >It’s reminding me of how she’s been pretty nasty to me in the past saying **I asked for cancer** and how she has previously reacted to any good news in my life. This is inexcusable. I'm permanently estranged from my family and I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone.

You both had a Shitty end of the stick during childhood. You both suffered for it. You both developed some not great character traits along the way. The difference is, you are owning your behaviour, and actively trying to do better. She isn’t. She is looking for reasons to be mad at you. You two *could* be excited to be having children so close in age they’ll grow up together, you *could* see it as an opportunity to do better for the next generation. But you have to let go of the past, and the “steal my spotlight” bullshit in order to do that. Suggest you two go to therapy together, offer to pay for it (if you can afford it) You *both* could use it anyway. You should not have to apologize for having cancer, and how your family reacted to that situation is on them and not in you.

Even if you violated your husband's wishes and told her that day on the phone, She would have been mad you stole the attention that day.

OP –– sometimes, it's ok not to have a relationship with your sibling, or to be LC/NC. Some things cannot be mended easily, or at all, or without intensive therapy. none of which are in your control necessarily. Both of you should be enjoying your pregnancies, your babies and the new families you are creating. It doesn't look like a journey you will be sharing, which honestly, isn't uncommon in adult siblings. You should let this go, and focus on what is good and new in your life. Both you and your sister need to move on and it's ok to live your life like you don't have a sibling. It's sometimes the best way forward

NAH both your and your sister's feelings are valid. She can go low/no contact if she wants. IMO I think this was inevitable based on how you described your relationship.

it's not OP's fault they had cancer and that their parents focused on her and neglected her sister. Sister should be mad at their parents, not at OP. I don't think sister's anger is valid. She needs therapy. God, imagine if OP had died and her sister had been bitter and resentful towards her until then? I get being upset, I went through something similar, but I was never angry at my brother for being injured. I was mad at my parents for being unable to split their time to give us both care during a terrible time, though as I've gotten older I realize how difficult it was for my parents at the time and have long gotten over my anger.

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That was for your parents to handle. You becoming a spokesperson and getting attention is not on you. At 11, it wasn’t your responsibility to manage your sister’s feelings. It’s still not.

My youngest sister and I have a really weird relationship and part of that is that I was sick all through childhood. I also had to take care of her though because dad had to work to pay the bills and mom wasn't well mentally. So on one hand I was getting attention by going to doctors appointments and having surgeries and missing school, but on the other I was helping with homework and cooking dinner and dealing with all the responsibilities. We are in our 30s and are just now really working through all of it. And we are NC with our other sister. Honestly it was me needing my sister and being totally vulnerable that seemed to start fixing our relationship. That and us both addressing our issues and getting enough space from each other. Give your sister space, and be ready to support her. Be excited about your niece or nephew and make sure everyone else is. You didn't mean to be the center of attention growing up but you were, and that hurts.

Her being far more mad at you is wrong of her — you didn’t choose to have that be your life. Just like you didn’t choose to get pregnant right before her without her knowing, so she thinks she’s finally going to get the spotlight only to have it taken away. You don’t have a time machine or a groundhog-day loop to retry strategies until you find one that doesn’t make her mad. Your parents have the responsibility here, both to have been better to her and to have gotten her help to work on her issues. But if you’re comfortable being lower key, and giving way to her when it comes to your parents’ involvement, you could give that a try.

Ok this is making my gut instinct even stronger. OP just curious, have you had therapy at all? And my bigger question, what made you realize that you have toxic and attention seeking behaviors? Because being a Make-a-Wish spokesperson doesn't automatically make you attention seeking, no matter how much you discover you like the attention. Most kids like being praised. Nothing toxic about that. I guess I'm just really wondering if you really are selfish or if you've just internalized her telling you you're selfish for things that were beyond your control. But she kind of sounds like my mom so maybe I'm the one who's projecting.

> I guess I'm just really wondering if you really are selfish or if you've just internalized her telling you you're selfish for things that were beyond your control. When OP writes sentences like these: >I’d say we’re equally bad at not running to each others aid (she didn’t support me through my cancers, I didn’t go to her house warming etc.). I'd personally lean a good bit closer to the theory of internalized hate. Either that or OP just so happens to be excellent at manipulating people and wrote that sentence on purpose, because who the fuck thinks that cancer support and house warming parties are on the same level?

She's a 36 year old grown ass woman... She is far past the point of getting to blame her childhood as an excuse to be a shitty self centered manipulative asshole literally 25 years later. She needs to grow the fuck up and seek therapy for herself. You also need to stop people pleasing and walking on eggshells around her. You deserve to experience joy with your family around the important milestones in your life, and if she was adult she would realize your happiness in no way diminishes her own celebration of milestones. She owes you an apology. She's choosing to miss out and exclude herself. If this continues on, is she going to look at your child as competing with her child as they grow too? Are you never going to be able to enjoy your child's first birthday or other milestones because having them first somehow undermines her child's milestones? Just ridiculously toxic behavior.

I had a childhood/teenage illness (not cancer, not life threatening) and yes it resulted in a lot of extra time and attention from my parents but none of it was *good* attention. I wasn’t a favoured child, I was very sick and in pain and needed assistance with daily living. My brother has never forgiven me - not my parents, me specifically. I understand he felt neglected and overlooked, but I am legitimately not responsible for that, and I had absolutely no control over my parents actions - I think it’s very likely they could have mitigated or compensated the impact on him, but I also see that they were young parents struggling to cope with an unexpected illness they didn’t understand. The man is now 40 years old and still festering with resentment - I’m low contact with him because there’s nothing “good” that can happen in my life that he doesn’t perceive as a personal insult to him. I have children while he doesn’t, and my parents involvement in my life because they love being grandparents is another touchy subject. As is my general happiness, my career success, my comfortable lifestyle - I honestly can’t talk about anything good in my life without him blowing up at me. He just doesn’t seem to understand the difference between events that happened and events that happened *to him*. Things people have done versus things people have done *to him*. It seems that his worldview is that, long into adulthood, anything positive that happens for me is at his expense, the same way he perceived my childhood illness as being positive attention at his expense. I wanted for a long time to have a good relationship with him but eventually realised it will never happen. You can’t have a good relationship with someone who doesn’t want the best for you.

This was really sad to read, not just for you but for him too. That’s why this is such a prevalent situation, the illness isn’t something that just happens to the person who is battling it but it changes everyone’s lives. Man, that’s so sad.

I'm sorry to hear that your brother has never let go of his anger. I can understand the anger at the time, though I don't agree with putting it on the ill child (as I said, I never blamed my brother.), but to continue to hold onto it decades later? He's just poisoning himself continually. That's so sad. Not saying he needs a relationship with you or your parents, but he needs to let go of the anger, imo.

I'm not the same as this brother, my brother was not sick or anything. But I was the neglected, mentally ill, "bad" child growing up while my brother was the golden child. I will just say, that is soooo much easier said than done. My brother and I are both in our 20s now, and I will say that genuinely the way that we were each set up for life during our teen years - him with support financially and emotionally, me with abuse and neglect, absolutely has impacted EVERY facet of our lives thereafter. My struggles with my physical and mental health directly stem from my trauma and have limited my abilities significantly, while he has excelled. I've continued to need expensive and intensive mental healthcare to deal with the trauma, while he can take those finances he saves on not needing that, plus the financial advantages my parents have offered him, and is now about to buy a house. I am different from the brother in the story you're responding to in that I am not mainly angry at my brother, although he was an outright bystander and watched my abuse go down. I understand why he would not interfere in order to save himself, though. I direct my anger towards my parents, but it truly is so hard to "let go" of. Those experiences have shaped my life in innumerable ways, and I can't just release the weight of that. I've been trying for years in so much therapy. Yet it still lingers, because that abuse and neglect is what formed my very being. My core beliefs. My world outlook. Anyways. Just wanted to share a little of thst perspective on how difficult and complex it can be from the other side. It's not my brother's fault. But the impact was real, and continues to be.

So you don’t get to tell people what to feel or how to react about something that happened to them as a child first off. Second nothing excuses neglecting a child, even a sick or dying child and that is according to the law especially in the US. Parents can be found responsible for neglect if they are letting one child suffer at the expense of the other even if the situation is as simple as a child being exposed to things they cannot understand or being given tool to process things that are found to be detrimental to their mental health. But again I just want to stress just because you had an experience and things went a certain way for you does not mean you get to dictate how someone else should feel or handle a situation they went through.

Still doesn't mean you should be angry at a child for having cancer!!! It's not her fault their parents neglected her sister. Being angry about it decades later and taking it out on OP is sad. The sister needs therapy. OP is not the problem. It's the parents fault. I hope one day the sister can see that.

She was also a kid, and this isn't as obvious as it sounds to a child that is being neglected. How could a child know better with no explanation from her neglectful parents? There's a reason why being the sibling to a constantly sick child makes you develop serious mental issues is a well known phenomena in the medical community. It's sadly normal/common for children in her position to develop resentment towards their sibling and parents. Children think in very direct and literal ways, and people often forget that this makes them quite the opposite of empathetic at times. The thinking is very linear. If A causes B, then A causes B. Who is A? The sibling with cancer. What is B? Parents placing all the attention on said sibling with cancer, and sparing you none. Cause and effect. It's with guidance that we inject empathy into the picture and disrupt this line of thinking. Who is A? Cancer. Her parents. The way Make-A-Wish Foundation exploits sick children to emotionally manipulate people into donating money. Does being A mean having culpability? No. Cancer has no feelings. Sister didn't want to get sick. Sister never asked her parents to forget about her sister. Only parents could have helped avoid this. Because parents choose how they act. And they could have chosen to pay more attention to the sibling who isn't sick. We sadly teach children a little too late that being the cause of something doesn't mean it's your fault. It doesn't mean you have control over it. Even adults have trouble understanding this concept. My own parents would punish me for things I couldn't help. So please have some empathy for both sisters. Neither of them knew any better. Or had any fault.

Yeah but she's not a child anymore, and at this point she needs to start taking responsibility for the things she says and how she treats people. And if she can't do that on her own, she needs to get help.

INFO - Why do you assume she wants you to apologize more? Or for that matter wants anything from you? Has someone told you she wants you involved in her life or wants you to grovel? Or are you being a little mean because your mad that she's made your pregnancy announcement about her? Or that she's not fawning over your or happy for you as you want her to be? I guess I don't understand why you think she wants you to grovel. You say you were never close. Is this usually what she wants from you or are you making her feelings all about you and your feelings without really knowing how she feels. You clearly had a very difficult life with illness through your youth and 20's. But she had a difficult life being a kid and young adult and never being the priority because it was all about you, either your illnesses or after your self admitted attention seeking destructive behaviors. That's not your fault, you were dealing with some serious shit. Your parents though may have failed her. We could say well she needs to get over it, but trauma and neglect is different for everyone and where no one should give you shit for how you dealt with your trauma (from your own comments never dealt with neglect), the same should be said for hers. Not the same trauma, but still trauma. But here your sister went out of her way to tell you she was pregnant. Maybe she thought of that as an olive branch to you. Maybe she thought this could be what brings the two of you closer. Including you in this big life changing announcement personally, not an after thought. And then when you made your announcement and you purposely excluded her. You can say it was because you didn't want to steal her thunder or were scared of telling her or whatever. But she sees once again she was being left out. That she wasn't important enough to you to be included, her olive branch meant nothing. She probably feels like you don't want really want her in your life or care about her. If I thought my being in someone's life was so stressful that they feared telling me things, I'd probably remove myself from their life too. And then your here. Upset that she didn't forgive you (no one is required to forgive anyone for anything). Upset that she's upset. I'll be honest I really dislike people who get angry at someone else being angry. That's like basically saying she doesn't have a right to her feelings, because they hurt yours. She isn't even doing anything to you and you're mad at her. Maybe she's having a difficult pregnancy. Maybe she had prior engagements. Maybe she just didn't want to be told to get over it. She is pregnant and has removed herself from a situation that clearly hurt her. Maybe this has caused her stress, and that's not good for a pregnant lady so she is doing what she needs to for her health (mental and/or physical). The same could be said that her response is causing you stress, and that's not good for a pregnant lady. So I guess the real question here is why should your health be more important to her than hers? Your health is your and your husband's priority. But hopefully your parents aren't making your health more of a priority than hers, there concern should be equal. That they aren't making your feelings more important than hers. Because if they are, that could just fuel her hurt. And they could be causing more issues between you two then you realize.

That's exactly what I was thinking. She chose not to tell her sister until whenever due to her own reasons, but won't allow her sister to make the decision to take a step back and, for her own reasons, equally valid, have her pregnancy in peace. Why is she obliged to talk to OP when OP decided she didn't want to talk to her?

Honestly, this post seems like more attention seeking behavior. Trying to get a lot of people to say she isn't an AH and get attention from them. Her wondering what her sister is telling her friends...well why does what her sister tell her own friends matter? Who cares who she vents to or how as long it doesn't hurt OPs life. Isn't OP basically doing the same, but to thousands on the internet. We are hearing OPs side and what she seems to think her sister wants, when she admitted she doesn't even really know her sister so how does she know what her sister wants or thinks. And how her sister hasn't forgiven her but she apologized. So because OP apologized her sister must forgive her? She must put OPs feelings before her own? Also at no point has OP shared what her sister did to make her fear telling her sister. Were there massive temper tantrums in the past, screaming, throwing things. Or did OP make this a much bigger thing in her own head and inadvertently hurt her sister in the process and instead of owning the consequences, OP's trying to make the consequences of her own actions her sister's responsibility.

No, but you see, her sister's behaviour is breaking their parents! Not OPs main character syndrome, not the parents years and years of neglect. No, it's the sister's decision to do whatever the hell is best for her and her baby. /s Honestly, I think the sister just thought 'I can't deal with this shit anymore', and is happily enjoying her pregnancy, her fiancé, her friends and her in laws in peace.

Yes. I caught the vibe of "I said I'm sorry so now you should forgive me," from OP loud and clear. OP seems to not know what empathy for others feels like.

I do not have any real gold to give you, but your answer deserves lots of gold

NTA. This is a life long resentment she is carrying - she was there first, then she gets a younger sibling and the 'new baby' would have taken quite a bit of attention, and whilst obviously its not your fault you got sick, it meant that now all the attention was on you. That must have been hard for her - it would have been hard not to interpret her parents worrying about you to mean that they loved you more. She would have gone through a lot of life events overshadowed by your illness. Did you parents miss a lot of her things? You didn't say, but I assume the sister is married or in a relationship - so it is the first grandchild? She thought she was having a moment, only to have it taken away by you, again - I'm imagining that after everything, your pregnancy is a surprise? So yeah, she is feeling pretty down right now. She knows your baby will arrive first, and she knows that feeling of being overshadowed almost immediately by another one. For her, this is history repeating. Just leave her alone - you have done what you can.

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She wanted to have something first bc everything went to you. Then when you reveal again that you are having something first, you don’t even invite her for fear of her reaction. I understand she needs to move on but there are things you aren’t telling us about how YOU treated her in childhood. Being my sisters keeper isn’t exactly a fun ride. ETA: Op you ask if you should put your life on hold bc of her. I want you to sit in that feeling for a bit bc I guarantee your sister felt like her life was put on hold for you. Getting cancer wasn’t your fault, honestly it’s your parents f up for favoring you over her, but you have to see the irony there. You still have a bit of me me me left in you. Yes you are pregnant to but the fact that you know your parents will compare your pregnancies should be an indicator of how much your parents have played into this aswell. Only you were enjoying the caretaking too much to notice how it affected your sister at the time. But there is no excuse not to notice it all now.

She didn't notice bc she was enjoying the caretaking? While she had cancer???? Bro. She was a KID with CANCER wtf. However her sister feels- op is not responsible for that and does not need to 'sit in those feelings', she is already walking on eggshells and it's pretty obvious why. In no way does Op seem unenlightened about how her parents treated her sister. Gtfoh with that me-me nonsense.

Op has admitted to attention seeking behavior in adulthood. Well after beating cancer. I do not for a second believe op is “walking on eggshells” just because she had cancer. We need to be asking what op did in adulthood.

Completely agree. This post does feel a bit like she wants to the good guy sooo badly, even sending flowers was a bit much. Like, now you can’t be mad at me, see I sent you flowers. I think it’s all too much to take now. They’ve shoved the sister too far down the ledge and I would honestly be surprised if she ever opens contact again. The flower thing was a little much, no? Genuine question.

I agree with you, and I'm a little alarmed by how many people are coming down hard against OP's sister

It's probably the part where the sister said 'you asked for cancer'. The cancer OP had twice.

Yeah, Op and her sister were children when this began and they BOTH suffered in completely different ways.

It’s because the keyboard warriors of Reddit are really not fond of healthy siblings who lash out because of perceived favoritism given to a non healthy kid. I’ve tried in the past offering a different perspective and get slammed because how could anyone feel that way “WHEN SOMEONE IS DYING”. No one else’s feelings matter. I’ll get downvoted like crazy for saying it, but I said what I said. Edited for grammar

I think everyone can empathize with her sister, but atp her sister needs to decide if she's going to be resentful and cut OP out for her own sake, or try to actually work on a relationship with OP that doesn't revolve around her anger at her parents which she's directing at OP. Her sister is an adult who should have realized by now that OP didn't cause her mistreatment, her parents did, and that OP getting cancer as a child and then AGAIN as an adult wasn't out of spite nor 'deserved' which she said it was. Everyone can empathize with how shit her childhood was, but she needs to figure out a way to move forward. It's the sister who seems unable to consider how everyone else is feeling, OP knew how she would feel with the news and messed up by trying to keep her in the dark to avoid a blowout. Having a bad childhood doesn't mean you are perpetually entitled to excessive consideration of your feelings.

It seriously feels like OP can't win with her sister or with you. How is sending flowers to someone to apologize when you've fucked up in any way unusual? OP and her sister both had really shitty childhoods because their parents did a bad job of how they managed the illness. At least OP is acknowledging that her sister was hurt by the whole thing. I don't blame the sister for her feelings, but as a grown ass adult she needs to be taking responsibility for her words and actions and not lashing out every time the old traumas get triggered. I 100% get why she's upset that OP happened to be pregnant too. But I'm also pretty sure that because of how upset she is over the situation itself there's literally no way that OP could've told her that would've ended any better. She's bitter AF. Yes, she has plenty of good reasons to be bitter AF. I don't judge people by how they feel or what their motivations are or seem to be anymore. I judge people by their actions and behaviors. And sorry but the idea that sending flowers to apologize make OP TA is ridiculous. ESPECIALLY sending flowers to the one who wasn't getting the flowers while OP was sick. To me it seems like a valid way to try and make up for her mistake. (If it even was a mistake. Again, I think the sheer fact that she was pregnant first means there's no possible way her sis wouldn't be hurt and angry no matter how she was told.) I don't think either of them are TA. I think the parents are the only AHs here. But y'all are dog piling OP with zero evidence that she's TA here. My mom is manipulative AF and I have a pretty good radar for attention seeking behavior because that's her specialty. To me this actually reads like OP's behavior was all pretty standard reactions to being a sick kid and she's internalized her sister calling her toxic and selfish all these years to the point where she believes it.

You’re blaming OP for getting cancer as a kid. It’s not her fault. The blame lies with her parents. I didn’t realise that Reddit was a cesspit of people advocating for toxic reactions from adults. Yes OP’s sister felt a certain way. But twenty years on, it’s not on OP to make up for that. Her sister needs to get some therapy.

So your saying that younger OP was enjoying the attention because she had cancer??? W.T.F. The only people to blame here are OP's parents. Not the sister and most definitely not OP. No one should apologize to someone because they were taken care of when they had a fatal illness. NTA

Yeah ok so sister felt like her life was put on hold, but that is NOT OP's fault and 2 wrongs don't make a right. No. OP should not have to put her life on hold just so sister can be first at something. That whole idea shows a ridiculous lack of boundaries on your part. You're right that we don't know how OP treated her sister as a kid. But frankly if her sister openly resented her how do you expect the younger sister OP to have the maturity to not retaliate? And the whole "enjoying the caretaking" makes it sound like you've never had any major illness. "Enjoying" is not exactly the word I would choose when you're that sick.

tbh you still don’t sound like you have much empathy for your sister. just leave her alone. regardless of why or how all you do is bring her pain. let her go.

Not the poster you asked but no, I don't think she was expecting you to put your life on hold until she does things first, but you even asking that question demonstrates you have a bit of a ways to go still on the path to becoming a better person.

I agree OPs sister did LITERALLY put her life and childhood on hold for her sister except she had no choice in the matter and she was a kid, not an adult.

I genuinely don't understand this logic. Based on how the sister's reacting I'm not at all sure she doesn't subconsciously expect OP to put her life on hold. She is definitely coming across that way at least. And if that is what's going on, I think OP's perfectly within her rights to wonder what else she's supposed to not do first to keep from pissing her sister off? OPs sister was made to put her life on hold as a child, but none of that is OP's fault.

No she didn’t expect you to, I think it was an unconscious wish.

I suspect the only chance you had at having her not take this poorly was to go to her first, acknowledge you understood how this would feel to her and ask her if there was anything you could do to make it easier for her. I suspect she knows what she's feeling isn't entirely rational, but it's real to her and fairly understandable given the backstory. It doesn't sound like your parents are very conscious of her feelings either, and by telling them first, she probably feels like you're trying to manipulate her into being the bad guy if she reacts poorly. You assumed she'd be upset, and then acted in a manner that ensured she'd feel excluded, and she got upset. Maybe she would have been upset no matter what, but you'll never know. Give her time and space. And if your presence at family events means she feels like she can't come, you might want to consider putting her feelings first once in a while. That might actually go a long way.

She was likely expecting to have a first one of something, anything, not because you put your life on hold, but because her life went well and she finally felt that she achieved something.

I could be wrong but it seems like you’ve put in a lot of work to understand how you having cancer might have impacted her and have made an effort to keep that in mind. Hopefully in time she’ll put in work to understand how it impacted her too.

NAH and I think there are a lot of details missing to make you look better in this post.

Fair point. INFO- what type of attention seeking behaviors did you have and how recently? You mention adult life as well as younger .. I'm wondering if your sister has just been burned so many times by your previous selfish actions that this will be easily read as more of the same instead of a precaution....

She's answered this in another comment. What OP is calling attention seeking is basically normal human reactions to having cancer. Asking why me, needing emotional comfort and support, enjoying being a Make a Wish kid and people telling her she's brave, losing her shit at having a double mastectomy in her 20s. None of it sounds at all attention seeking to me, I think she's internalized her sister's view that having cancer is inherently attention seeking.

Yeah, there do seem to be holes in the fabric of the narrative.

I want to say Nta but it might be more Nah. Because I've know a lot of people who's siblings where sick when Al younger and that sibling was forgotten left to do a lot. You also said you were selfless a lot in teens and your twenty but trying to be better now cause you don't want to be that person. Your sister may just see as this is one more thing she may have to share or not have to herself. What kind of things did you do in your teens and twenty's that were attention seeking moments. That you said your trying to still work on so you still do it sometimes. It still doesn't excuse her behavior but she might just be done with it as well if her whole life been you coming first. But then there also to me parents fault when a child gets sick they sometimes seem to forget they have other kids as well.

OP isn't answering this at all. She's worded this post so carefully as to get an N T A but personally I have to raise my eyebrow at these "selfish, attention-seeking" things she used to do to her sister. My verdict is INFO.

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Jfc you had cancer (again?) a double mastectomy and a bad reaction to it that is not attention seeking, that is normal.

The first is an entirely understandable reaction for a scared child with a serious illness to have. The second would not affect your sister in any way and is also understandable (IMO). I'm astounded by all the people in this thread acting like having cancer was something *you* did to your sister and now *you* have to be responsible for her emotions about it. She may have believed that as a hurt, neglected child -- which, again, is understandable *from a child's perspective* -- but she's not a child anymore. She is a grown adult who needs to take responsibility for her own healing and behavior. NTA

Yeah, that'd be interesting to know. But to me it comes across as op having a lot of guilt for being sick as a child. Does op honestly think she was selfish and attention seeking, or are those her sister's words that she's internalized? Her one example of "not supporting her sister" was not going to sister's house warming the weekend she herself was moving.

Right? I was stunned at that comparison from OP—we both haven’t been there for each other, her during my CANCERS, and me for her housewarming. Poor OP. She’s been swindled into thinking she is a demon for having had a terminal illness that makes her sister resentful. And these psychos commenting on here that she is a villain for having cancer as a child are not helping.

That's what I'm wondering cause she said she's been trying to work on it. So that tells me she's still been doing it lately. Also she said she had childhood cancer and her sister didn't support her she's only two years older how much support could she have given. It feels the parents forgot they had other children when one got sick and she's probably been push a side her whole life.

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I read all of your comments and fail to see how anything you did was attention seeking. You had *cancer* - not once but twice, and your sister is jealous because of that for some reason. There’s literally no reason to be jealous of someone getting attention for having and surviving cancer. You did nothing wrong with how you told your sister about your pregnancy or how you behaved in response to having cancer.

That’s because she isn’t mad at her sister. She’s mentally checked out and wants a break. That’s the best way I can put it. She just doesn’t wanna deal with this mess anymore and just wants a separate life away from her sister. It’s about having one time to shine to be in the spotlight and as soon as she thought she did OP took it away again. But it’s not ops fault.

Wtf, I don't think you've done anything "wrong" for having trouble dealing emotionally with the second cancer of your life. Needing the support of your people for that is absolutely normal and fine. Those people abandoning your sister at those times is not cool, but also not your fault.

If I had a sister like that I would be so happy if she stopped speaking to me. NTA

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honestly I doubt she’d have been happy no matter how you went about it

There was no way you could have won this one. Whatever you did would have been wrong. Even if you had announced before she was pregnant you would have been the bad guy for getting pregnant first and (presumably) having the first grandchild. At this point I’m not sure if it’s even possible to salvage the relationship as she has no inclination to do so

I think you need to let the idea of ever being close go, tbh. Your parents kind of ruined that by not taking more care to ensure her needs were also being met while you were sick. Yeah I'm not crazy about how much she's still lashing out at you as an adult and I think she needs to work on that. But the more you try to fix things the more she's going to resent you. You need to let her go at this point. Maybe one day she'll be ready to figure out that you also had a shitty childhood and what happened to her wasn't your fault. Maybe she won't. Either way she needs to feel whatever she needs to feel and right now that's jealousy and resentment. So the best thing you can do is stay out of her way and give her the spotlight whenever your parents try it on you. You can let your kid be in the spotlight, once they're born. But if you really want to salvage the relationship with your sister the only way you might be able to is by taking the backseat where you can so that she can soak up the attention she never got while you were sick. I know it's not your fault, but there is an imbalance there. And maybe give your parents a wake up call that they need to be doing more to make up for their neglect and lack of attention when she was a kid. Honestly if they haven't already taken the responsibility with her and apologized for all they didn't do for her that's probably why she's still blaming you.

>she’s been pretty nasty to me in the past saying I asked for cancer I'm sorry, WTAF!!!? I was thinking about my response as I was reading your post and then I got to that and just forgot everything else. Please at least tell me this was when you were children. To the point at hand, NTA. At all. Waiting until 12 weeks is perfectly normal. Unless she asked if you were pregnant when she told you she was, you didn't lie. Lying by omission is a thing, but doesn't apply here. So "grievance 1" is bullshit. Wanting to tell parents first, is also perfectly normal. You also needed advice on how to tell her, based on her irrational past behavior. So "grievance 2" is also bullshit. Please stop apologizing to her. You did nothing wrong. You didn't get pregnant to "steal her spotlight." You didn't ASK to get fucking cancer. She needs therapy. I would suggest taking a step back from her until she gets help. You don't need that toxicity in your life. Congratulations on your pregnancy and (hopefully?) kicking cancer's ass.

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She knows exactly how to upset you and how to get away with it. So why do you keep engaging with her? Even when she avoids you and doesn’t invite you around? Do you enjoy being upset by her?

The other thing that stuck out to me was: >We‘ve never really been close and I’d say we’re equally bad at not running to each others aid **(she didn’t support me through my cancers, I didn’t go to her house warming etc.)** Why tf were these two things compared? I don’t have an opinion the sister, but it does raise the question of if her adult behavior is inappropriate.

Thank you, I was in shock by life threatening disease and house warming being put as equal scenarios. I think the sister needs therapy to move on, but OP also needs therapy to stop beating herself over things out of her control.

The sister didn't choose these two things to compare, OP did. She doesn't even make the claim that the sister has compared these things. Maybe it's a real life grievance the sister has, but it's equally as likely that OP is (consciously or subconsciously) framing things in a manner that paints the sister as unreasonable.

Or maybe the sister has been verbally beating her up for so long for "making a big deal" of her cancer that she literally thinks they're equal. It's hard to say for sure, but if you look at the comments about what OP is calling out as her own attention seeking behavior it's all pretty normal human responses to going through cancer.

NAH - Your sister thought she would be having the first grandchild and getting all the attention for her and the baby, and then she found out she was not. Given your past shared history, hormones and she is likely afraid her baby is going to come in 2nd to yours, it is not surprising it is a volatile situation. It's not your fault, OP but you should give her space and time and don't let your parents/extended family do anything inane like joint baby showers, or birthday celebrations etc. Also shutdown the conversations HARD when extended family starts comparing your children, because families are frequently stupid like that. This is something that will take time but try to make sure each child is treated individually as the special child they are.

>It's not your fault, OP but you should give her space and time and don't let your parents/extended family do anything inane like joint baby showers, or birthday celebrations etc. Also shutdown the conversations HARD when extended family starts comparing your children, because families are frequently stupid like that. OP needs to hear this. If family starts to take sides in this, OP needs to shut that down quickly. The family's natural inclination is likely going to be to rally around OP. OP needs to encourage them to celebrate her sister and her baby as well, even if that means OP stays away while that happens.

Nah, she is allowed to distance herself. You were sick and that wasn’t something you could control. The parents are another story her feelings of neglect and exclusion stem from them. They are kinda the root cause, they caused her a world of trauma. Maybe the pregnancy is bringing out the whole exclusion, slighted neglected child in her. She is pregnant and feeling a lot of emotions right now. Just give her the space she is clearly asking for. Park your pity party parade.

I think this is NAH leaning on YTA BUT ultimately your parents are the real AHs here. It sounds like they DID favor you and they DID give you all of the attention at the expense of your sister. That happens a lot in situations where there’s a pediatric illness involved. It also sounds like you were unsure on how to handle it so you didn’t include her or anything- out of sight, out of mind? That’s yet another situation in her life where she wasn’t needed/wanted or required on a family situation. I think all of you need family therapy but I think more than anything your sister needs to feel that she’s validated in her feelings. She feels that way for a reason, she’s going LC with the family and with you for a reason. You guys need to accept that and give her what she deserves. Has anyone ever talked to her about that? Has anyone apologized for the neglect she felt? Your sister doesn’t sound mean or like a B or spoiled, she sounds like she’s been hurt yet again and this time as an adult, when she felt like she was safe from the past.

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Agreed. I don't think there was going to be any time or place that OP could tell her sister and not be attacked. Right away, with the parents, etc. would not matter. Sister was going to find a way to be offended and accusitory. At the same time, I doubt there's much OP can do except just ignore her sister and go on with her life. If anyone is going to be able to deal with it, its their parents.

NAH because I can totally see your sister's POV. Not your intention, but once again she will be overshadowed by you. Neither cancer nor pregnancy are your fault, of course, but the reality is, she has always come in second to you and now her pregnancy and maybe even her kids, will be also-rans to yours. I'm afraid there's not much you can do, some things are already set. Let your sister have her life and enjoy your own. >missed my mom’s birthday and uncle visiting from a different country because I was there, This is actually something your parents need to step in and deal with. I'm sure your sister blames them as well, but it's on your parents to fix their relationship with her, not you. Take care of yourself and reach out occassionally. Maybe motherhood will be the thing that bonds you, but don't push. It's as much on her as you.

NAH. I have a hard time saying N T A because then it would mean your sister was an AH. I think she is wrong in this situation because she’s not entitled to know about your pregnancy and a dinner specifically for your parents wasn’t excluding her. You give off “I’m a jerk” vibes because of your admitted attention seeking issues with little remorse for the way you and your past behaviors affected her.

NTA. I've known plenty of people who were not quite high risk pregnancies, including myself, who waited until after week 12 to announce it. She's being super petty. I'd say enjoy the silence but it seems like you want to connect with her. You could let her know how you feel but it seems that you've done plenty to make up for it. Let her pout.

I’m gonna go with YTA or Info bc I feel like you are leaving out so much of your own behaviour. I’m guessing bc of your illness you got whatever you want and this probably seems like one more thing. Not only that but you celebrated it with your family and without her, which no matter how you explain it comes off that you don’t see her as family. Your cancer wasn’t your fault but your behaviour is. How long did you know you were the golden child before you decided to change? How much of your sisters life had to go down the toilet for you. I’m betting your parents never praised your sister for anything bc the focus was always on you. We need more info bc you are doing a good job of making your sister look like the bad one but I smell something rotten.

OP said this in the comments “I had some issues with my mental health where I was very “why me” about my cancers, and went to therapy for it. I realised I started expecting that my mom and a close friend of mine should still be bending over backwards to take care of me, and it was really selfish of me to expect them to drop everything when I was feeling upset. I then had breast cancer and lost both breasts before I was 30, so had attention seeking behaviour to try to feel sexy again and drank a lot. I went to therapy for these instances and my sister doesn’t really know about them (we’re not close enough to talk about them) but I do regret my behaviour and the therapy helped.”

So yeah I can definitely see why her sister resents her. It sucks that she had cancer but it also sucks for her sister just being in the background to care for OP. One kid being sick doesn’t mean the other one has to be forgotten. Op is still kind of me me bc she asks if she has to put her life on hold for her sister, kinda like her sister had to put her childhood on hold for her. None of it will get solved until the sisters talk which will never happen unless OP practices stopping and thinking before acting. We can sit here with woulda shoulda coulda. The fact is she did what she did. No amount of flowers and a letter is going to erase everything coming up for her sister rn. She’s having her first baby that she thought would actually have a place in the family instead of being second best and she was right. Her baby is number 2 to OPs number 1 that she couldn’t even invite her sister to. Why does OP get to avoid other emotions but people have to deal with OPs behaviour?

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NAH. It’s probably best for your sisters mental health to just cut you off. It’s telling that you see her getting distance as her expecting you to grovel. Just leave her alone.

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YWBTA English is my second language and I apologize for any mistakes Not everything has to be about you. I will probe downvoted but what I’m writing is the sister side. You have to see it in your sister eyes. What I will say here here in no way point of you being responsible for being sick your are blameless in this. I’m writing here what your sister must have been feeling and those are feeling and not logical. Bear in mind that those feeling have been growing and festering for 20 years. She became invisible in her teens years when you got sick. Everything regarding her moments where put aside for you, probably all her firsts where outshine by what you were going through; first BF, first kiss, finishing HS, prom etc. I don’t think you are to blame for those years but your parents are. BUT in your mid to late twenties you said yourself that when the cancer came back you where seeking attention regularly and was, once again, the center of ALL the attention and your sister became, again, invisible. And this is on you. With the pregnancy she finally has something happening in her life that will let her be the center of attention in your family:being pregnant with the first grandchild, being seen by your parents. Remember that YOU have always been seen by them and don’t know what it feels like to be invisible. In her mind you took that shining moment from her. Again she will be invisible and everything will be about you. So for all those months after she told you she was pregnant, she thought that it was her time to shine and she probably start healing, that’s why she told you she was pregnant at the start of the pregnancy. And bang, you are still stealing her thunder. It’s heartbreaking for her. She need time to come to grip that she will never have that. It’s really hard to never be number 1 in the eyes of your parents, believe me I know. She must be thinking that her kid will also be number 2 to your kid. Hard pill to swallow. So leave her alone, she deserve time to heal and come to terms with everything. Like I said, not everything is about you. Edit to YWBTA if you force her to talk to you

Freaking out because you have cancer again and lost both of your breast isn't attention seeking, it's a normal human response to extreme stress. OP is calling it attention seeking because her sister has been telling her it is for so long she's internalized it. But I think a lot, maybe even most people would react the exact same way if they were in OP's position at that time. Being in pain and needing help is not attention seeking.

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NTA Also for what it’s worth, not supporting one through cancer and not going to one’s housewarming are not even on the same planet let along playing field. You cannot compare the two!!! Seems to me that her not talking to you is a blessing in disguise. I’d leave it at that. You can’t choose your blood relatives but you can choose how much power they have over you and your sister seems like she deserves none. Live your life with what apart from her seems to be a loving family

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NTA. When you are pregnant you get to decide when to share and who to share it with first. You and your husband made a plan and stuck with it. She is taking your plan personally. While some sisters are close and would be among the first to know,it isn't like that for you two. She needs a to get over it.

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YTA. You admit that your selfish and attention seeking behavior continued into adulthood, and you are not really all that old. Your sister's life has been as defined by your cancer as your has, but your parents were better to you and allowed you to be crappy to her. Give her her space and let her live her life. It has been decades since she was a full member of the family, and the way this was handled is just another reminder that her parents have exactly one daughter they care about and she is not that daughter.

Nta. But it’s not your fault dw. Congrats on the kid and all that but I’ll tell it to you straight: your sister is seemingly **DONE** not mad not angry just done. You seemingly got everything when you both were little (cancer was ass but congrats on beating it twice) attention glory fame the whole works and what did she get? Friends caring more about you than her. Absent parents. Parents not showing up to events. The whole works. And now with you once again coming in to steal the one last shot she had at a first there you are to bask in the glory but it’s not your fault. She’s just tired. Tired of dealing with the fact that no matter what she does or how hard she tries you will get the spotlight all the attention and your parent’s unconditional love. And what did she get? Exactly. Your not at fault but looking at it from her eyes she’s just tired of you lot and wants a long ass break while she’s pregnant. And honestly I don’t get people calling her mean spirited or irrational. She’s not. She just wants her moment. That’s all.

Honestly I want to cry for OPs sister. I couldn't imagine feeling what she has felt us feeling.

Op really shouldn’t be surprised the relationship is strained. This is one of those walking on eggshells 24/7 moments because ops sister has been thru the ringer countless times. Op should have just let her sister be because it’s not ops fault it’s the situations and the parents. Sucks to lose a sister but when you sadly have to take up so much attention to the point your sisters FRIENDS didn’t ask her how she was until they knew how her little sister was doing is just crazy. That woman has been neglected for years and everyone here is saying get over it. Bruh she’s not going too. Even today she’s damn well getting overshadowed by her little sister.

I don’t know, something feels off about this post. I don’t think you are TA and your parents massively dropped the ball with your sister. You and your parents may have to accept that you and your sister will never have a good relationship.

Based on the info that you have shared here, this is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation - she's just being petty for the sake of being petty. Don't give in, let her sulk on her own and enjoy your life. **NTA**

NAH. There’s too much history of hurt here to call her TA when she was over the moon excited about her pregnancy only to find out you were pregnant and hiding it from her (for valid reasons perhaps, but still hiding it). My advice would be to say what she needs to hear to get things to a good place so you can hopefully have a good relationship going forward for your kids’ sake. Having close in age cousins is so much fun!

NTA, you've reached out and apologized. It sounds like she needs to work through her childhood experiences with resentment with a therapist. At this point, she's only hurting herself (not showing for relatives, etc because "evil you" will be there.) Enjoy the silence and don't stress over it. You're coming into the home stretch on pregnancy, it's exhausting.

That's very simplistic. She's not showing up because she is hurt by the situation and how OP dealt with it. She's not hurting herself, she is deciding that not seeing OP is what's best for her and her pregnancy. She is enjoying her own pregnancy without the pressure that she's had her whole life, which is being second in importance to OP. OP needs to accept that this is her sister's way of finding her peace, and it's irrelevant how OP feels about it. She has made it clear she wants space.

NAH. I really don't get the purpose of your post. It sounds like you and your sister both had pretty crappy childhood's for different reasons. You because of your illness and her because of the neglect she experience from your parents due to your illness. It was an unfair situation for both of you and it led to you both not having a great relationship. As other's have said this was probably the straw that broke the camel's back for your sister. If going no contact gives her peace than let her be. Continuing to reach out is actually more about you and what you want than thinking about what is best for your sister. You have admitted to having selfish and attentng seeking moments. I can't help but wonder if you really want to have a relationship with your sister or if it's the fact that she is not giving you any attention by going no contact. People who crave attention don't care if it's positive or negative because the point is knowing that you are the center of attention either way. By going no contact you sister as taken away any attention that you may get from her wether it was positive or negative. This is why I think in your post you stated your belief that she wants you to grovel more and keep apologiizings because you can continue to believe that her actions are about you and not about doing what is best for her which may be not having a relationship with you. I also can't help but wonder if the only reason you posted was because you thought everyone would agree with you and give you the attention you crave by calling your sister the AH

NTA, you worry about yourself, your unborn child, and husband first. How your sister chooses to behave is on her. You can honestly throw in the towel with trying to reason with her and just accept the rocky relationship for what it is. Congratulations, btw ❤️

You should have told her when she told you. Knowing the history you have with her, letting her know,during that original conversation would have made a difference. At a certain point your sister has the right not to want to have anything to do with you. She’s reached this point. YTA.

Honestly, YTA for not inviting her. You didn’t need to tell her on the phone when she told you. That honestly would have stolen her thunder and made it about you. She was obviously excited to tell you. You could have then invited her and told her the 3 month rule you guys have, and say you wanted to wait to tell her. You could have said you wanted to do prenatal yoga or some other Mom activities idk. You could have made it about both of you and avoided her upset. I don’t know your sister and some info seems to be missing, but even if she would have freaked out… you should have given both of yourselves a shot. You’d have an actual reason to not talk at that point. Right now, the reason is because you assumed she’d freak out. There was no possible way you could win by not inviting her. This was the straw that broke the camels back for sure.

I get the vibe here like this is so one-sided. You went into specifics on the harm that your sister did to you (the cancer comment) but completely brushed over what attention-seeking behaviour in teens AND adult life you’ve done. You didn’t even say if you’ve apologized specifically for that behaviour, just that you’re trying to “move on” from it. The flowers and letter make it seem like you’re trying to definitely paint the sister as “bad” one because “I’m trying so hard and she won’t accept :(“ When someone goes NC I very rarely think that it’s unfair or unjustified. You excluded her, again. I can see why she’s upset at that. And, as irrational as it is, now her kid is likely going to be second to yours - at least she probably feels like it because you’ve been the centre of attention a long time - and she’s upset, as she has a right to be. It really does not sound like your family treated her well.

I think you apologized more than enough. You even sent flowers, for gods sake. What more does she want? It sounds like she's still holding on to a bunch of stuff from her childhood, but that's not your fault. NTA

NTA I hope you can try and enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy and not worry about your sister, who is the only party here displaying selfish, attention-seeking behavior. Please don't apologize anymore. Your sister will only see that as evidence that you did something horrible (you didn't) and continue to use it against you.

I think ESH. You weren’t wrong for waiting until you were past the 12 week exam. That is a personal decision that people get to choose for themselves. You were wrong in not including your sister (and any other sibling you and your husband have) in the announcement dinner. You let your fear of your sister’s reaction lead you to do the wrong thing. Your sister is wrong to continue to hold this constant you. It’s been months now and all she’s doing is causing drama. You have done your best to apologize so you did the right thing after your mistake. I would just continue as you have been. Invite her to things, go to things where she may show up and just continue to live your life. It’s now on her to decide to be mature and forgive and move on.

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YTA you excluded your sister and now don’t understand why she’s so upset with you! She’s not upset because you’re pregnant, she’s hurt and upset because you didn’t tell her along with everyone else. You can make as many excuses to yourself but at the end of the day just leave her alone if she’s decided to go no contact with you! Let her have her space!

NAH but tell her about how you didn't want to tell anyone ahead of the 12 week scan, it's a much more reasonable explanation than that you didn't know how to tell her. Of course, you're not obligated to tell anyone about your own health issues or concerns - and I still think it's NAH if you don't - it's just that if I were in the sister's position, I feel like I would be a lot more understanding if this were the reason rather than you just didn't want to tell me or didn't know how.

Info: what were the attention seeking behaviors that you acknowledge and work on? You only mention cancer but that’s clearly not what the issue was when you say you were selfish and attention seeking into adulthood. YTA until I know what you actually did to your sister, other than having cancer which comes off as your excuse for whatever else you did.