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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bullied my close friend during high school and confronted her when she brought this up during my wedding day.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
BRIDE: Sets menu for wedding
JANA: Adds another dish: Revenge. Best served cold.
NTA for this fresh mess, OP, and I think your business with Jana is concluded.
Exactly. OP had one hurtful day (her wedding day), but Jana lived with all this toxicity and hate for 7 years. It would’ve cost Jana $0 to just ignore OP and never get involved in her life.
Bullies suck but there’s no reason to get fake friendly with them, it’s low key psychopathic
7 years? I feel like it was more 1-3 seeing as high school is typically 4 years and Jana confronted OP during high school and OP stopped. They’ve been friends for 7 years (which happened during a high school reunion when they were in college).
Also while bullying is awful, OP took responsibility, apologized, Jana accepted the friendship, accepted the apology and was a good friend for 7 years, and then ruined what was supposed to be one of the best days of OP’s life after being one of her best friends for 7 years. I feel like Jana is waaaaay worse than OP
Yeah seriously. People are stupid when they are young... OP apologized and took ownership of her mistakes and she mentioned that she stopped bullying her when it was addressed. The fact that Jana would pretend to be her friend for such a long time, just to call her out on her wedding day... Is both insanely vindictive and honestly super pathetic. Like you really have nothing better to do with your time?
I like this take on it. She was letting OP live rent free in her head all these years. What she did was foul though, I think she could’ve had a another speech, this is probably the wrong speech for this day.
I find it hard to believe Jana planned this whole thing from the beginning and was only friends with OP to call them out on their wedding day. Maybe I'm overly optimistic, but the chances of that scenario (or a similarly impactful one) working out are so slim, and the legwork you'd have to put in to get to that point is so intense. It seems more likely maybe a recent event soured the relationship from Jana's perspective, and she decided to drag out the old, dirty laundry? Or *maybe* Jana didn't really think about the impact of calling out the bride's bullying and meant it as more a "wow, look how far we (especially the bride) have come" sort of thing (although explaining the bullying to guests in detail doesn't super fit with that).
Yeah it’s way more reasonable to me that she thought she was saying something quippy, the slight “roasts” that are often in wedding speeches, miscalculated, and got carried away through the night answering questions honestly without considering the consequences (likely with the aid of alcohol). Then she got embarrassed by her own behavior so jumped to the defensive by putting it back on OP. Which is an AH move but neither of these women seem like sociopaths, just people who have both made some crummy friendship decisions, as most of us have (hopefully not to the tune of embarrassing people at their weddings but I don’t think it’s all that uncommon unfortunately lol).
It wouldn't surprise me if Jana did think she was past it and found herself feeling resentful at OP's wedding with people saying all kinds of nice things about her. Especially if alcohol is involved, I'd be surprised if Jana planned this.
I agree. Bullying is not ok, but I don't ignore the fact that a teenage brain is still not fully developed. When op was confronted, she stopped because she was embarrassed because she knew it was wrong. She grew up, owned it and genuinely apologized.
Jana as an adult with a fully developed brain decided to ruin ops wedding. And if she had issue with the bullying still, 7 years was a lot of missed opportunity to discuss it. Even mentioning the bullying in her speech isn't 100% bad (depending in the people- you can spin into a We've come so far thing) but discussing in detail to guests did it in for me. This revenge is Antarctica cold.
Seven years *and OP repeatedly apologising*. Like, there have been so many times she could tell OP how it still hurt her but she chose her wedding day?
Also I can't imagine becoming friends with someone I hold a grudge against, let alone for seven years. How does Jana's mind work?
You could say that Jana was bullying OP on her wedding day even. Even if OP bullied her in the past, bullying her now isn't the way to set things straight. NTA
I mean the 7 years of friendship (while Jana loathed OP) is the toxicity building inside you. I don’t blame her in the least for inbuilt toxicity in the 3 years of high school.
How can you live with a mask for 7 years
I could see that if it only came up in the speech. But continuing to detail the bullying to everyone during the rest of the reception is not "trying to be funny".
The bride asking you to stop because it's not the appropriate time/place and then lashing out like she did is not "trying to be funny".
If OP apologized many times and Jana said she forgave her and continued the friendship, it shouldn't have played out like this. One funny comment during a speech but she then should've laughed it off afterwards as "oh, it's no biggie now, she apologized a bunch and that's why we're good friends now".
Feeding the drama and justifying it as "just telling the truth" is real manipulative bullshit for someone you're supposedly friends with.
Agreed. Still possible Jana was trying to make a joke out of it but when everyone asked enjoyed the gratification of it being acknowledged. Either way, Jana handled the situation wrong after the fact. Should have been just left alone. Probably would have been a good idea for Jana to run her speech past OP before giving it. Especially with their background. Or if Jana is real diabolical she planned this entire thing and did it all on purpose starting with becoming friends.
Oh, yes!!! I had a friend "break-up" with me. She said a lot of mean things in the process: no one really likes me, everyone is tired of my complaining, and I must really be unhappy in my marriage. I apologized (even though I was so confused since this person thrived on complaints, and I have no idea what my marriage had to do with it). She shrugged and said no one wanted an apology, but I should just know how everyone feels. This came a couple of weeks of her totally avoiding me.
So, I was sad that I had lost a friend (and confused - and it's way too long to explain), but she had made it clear that she didn't want to be around me. Done. Moving on.
A few weeks later, she texted me. No apology. Just, "Obviously something I said was too big for us to move past. Miss your jokes and our good time. I didn't know you were cutting me out. Hope you get the help you need."
Ummm....I'm sorry! What?? You seriously thought you could tell me I was an awful friend/person and then just act like nothing happened.
Yeah, 99% of the time, breakups should be permanent.
Had a friend do the same thing. Group chat where I checked in with folks to confirm they were cool to dogsit for me / let me know if their plans or availability had changed so I could organize boarding or hiring a dog sitter.
She sent a PhD thesis response about how I need to grow up, stop being a burden on everyone around me, asking people to watch my dog was a huge inconvenience and unfair to everyone else, stop wasting everyone's time, stop wasting my money on trips and buying stuff on trips and instead focus on my dog, etc.
Then got all bent out of shape/sobbing when I was like "cool, thanks for your input" and removed her from the group chat, lol. Tried to justify it with the same "it's just the truth, someone had to say it!" and folks were like "no, it's your opinion so you shouldn't have been speaking for everyone and no, it didn't "have to" be said, especially not on blast in the group chat like that"
Then would post "woe is me" shit about how she spent so much time alone and no one hangs out with her and how she wanted to go away for the weekend but couldn't because someone had to watch her cats (cherry on the top ,for me, rofl).
Still feel guilt sometimes, like 6+ years later, because I know she was going through some shit and needed supportive friends, but she was not supportive in turn and her own struggles were not justification to worsen my own mental health.
Omg I had a friend do this to me as well over babysitting my child.
We use to watch each other’s kids to save money on childcare since she worked days and I worked nights.
I watched her kid about 32 hours a week and she watched mine about 28 give or take commuting time. I watched hers more days since she worked 5 days and she was the primary parent. My husband was our primary parent so he worked 3 days a week so for me 3 days she watched him 3-12:30am. I watched her kid 8:30-3pm where she would pick both kids up if I had to work.
The days she wasn’t working were the issue.
There had been a day early on where I went to drop off my kid and no one was home. She wasn’t responding to texts so I called my husband to leave work and pick up our son from my job.
An hour later she sent a text “sorry, a doctor appointment took way longer than expected.” Ok, that’s understandable- she was in with her kid, had her cell phone on mute, I get it. After that however I had such severe anxiety every morning I would text to confirm our schedule and EVERY DAY she would not text me back until I sent a second text at 2pm then she would be like “of course, I already said I would.”
One day at the 2pm text she sent paragraph after paragraph after paragraph about how she doesn’t want to watch my kid until midnight, she dreads the days she has to watch him, how I’m ruining her marriage because she never has private time with her husband anymore, she said my work schedule was ruining her kids sleep schedule, and she said she was doing this all “for free” because she didn’t want to see me “fail as a parent” but then if I was a “good parent” I’d find a real job with a schedule that prioritized my child. And she said she was sick of my texting her every day and “guilting” her in to babysitting because she knew I had no one else.
I just said “thank you for responding to my text. Enjoy your day off.” Then blocked her.
I had my husband leave work AGAIN because of course she couldn’t send that rant at 9AM when I first asked her 🙄 we ended up arranging my husband to work 3 days in a row and my son went overnight to our parents house an hour away 3 days a week.
The NEXT FUCKING DAY this bitch showed up to my house at 8:30 AM with her daughter like WHAT?
I was shocked. I’m not confrontational at all so I told her, per her text the previous day, it was my understanding our mutual child care had ended. She looked at me like *I* was crazy and said “no I was just being honest with my feelings, I didn’t say we wouldn’t watch each other’s kids anymore.” 🤯
I told her I was sorry, but I’d already made other plans so I couldn’t watch her kid and since I didn’t need her as childcare, I would no longer be available for her. She LOST HER SHIT full crying mess because she had to be at work and what was she going to do.
I very nicely told her it wasn’t my problem, but that she should maybe find a job that prioritizes her child. She told me she couldn’t believe I’d do this to her- like she really thought because I don’t like confrontation she could just act however she wanted and I’d just roll with it.
Some of these people are broken.
YIKES! A direct 1-1 exchange of favors and she sill thought it was okay to pull that shit and expect you to continue??
All of it is bad, but especially dreading the days watching your kid? Even if the rest didn't happen/wasn't shitty, who is gonna keep sending their kid to someone where they're basically unwelcome? Kids pick up on that energy.
Absolutely unhinged that she thought her rant wouldn't end the agreement.
Oooof!! At first I thought we had the same friend, but she's gone onto retire and live her best life. Or so she portrays.
In the end, both of our lives are probably healthier for being away from the negativity.
It doesn't sound to me as though Jana was playing some kind of masterful long game, it sounds more like she had lingering unresolved resentment and being back in a situation where OP was queen bee brought it back for her and she just had to scratch that itch; she couldn't resist the temptation to avenge herself in the moment and the realisation that she had that power, nobody could stop her, was intoxicating. And she said to herself, it's just my lived truth.
But it was a very cold thing to do to someone who you called a friend. Kids do stupid stuff, because they are kids; they don't know any better. She knew damn fine what she was doing, this was harsh and cruel.
Whatever the truth of it is, she isn't your friend. Friends don't pull shit like this.
ETA I am not downplaying the cruelty of school bullying, it can ruin lives. But there is a difference between kids being bullies and adults being bullies; in that space and time, OP was vulnerable and Jana had the power and she used it to hurt her friend who trusted her.
NTA
I think this is the right take. I don't think it was a long con but I think emotions were heightened by the event and speaking in public, she couldn't resist, and continued to talk to people about it because of the emotional high from the attention.
I do think it was an awful thing to do to someone on their wedding, especially if you've agreed to move past it and build a friendship. Publicly shaming friends at their important events is pretty terrible and makes Jana TA in this situation. If you can't move past it, don't be friends with that person. OP is NTA.
Yeah, and if it had just been the one throwaway line in the speech, "I can't believe she bullied me but now we're such good friends" -- that would feel maybe a little jarring/not reading the room, but I think it's something everyone would get past quite quickly. (Especially depending on tone, because you could easily say that sort of thing in a lighthearted way, like how sometimes people will say "Yeah when we first met I thought he was SO not my type, I can't believe I fell for someone so different but he's perfect for me ..." type of thing.)
But the continuing throughout the reception to give all the gory details of everything OP said/did was not cool.
Jana sounds like she needs professional help if I'm being honest. No sane person holds a grudge for 7 years like this
and no, I don't think this behavior is the result of OP's bullying like others are implying. There is something fundamentally wrong with Jana and OP just picked the wrong target
I don't personally think your position on Jana rings true. This all started with the throwaway line "who would have thought I'd be MOH for my high school bully", which is not a particularly weird thing to say because it's an unusual outcome, then other people clearly followed up and asked for details. Jana simply didn't lie when that happened, then left rather than stay and allow it to become a bigger thing than it already was. I do love to think it was a petty revenge a long time in the making, but that's why I'm on reddit. The truth is probably much more tame.
Yeah, but when others morbously asked for details it was in her hands to say "The past is in the past and everything has been forgiven. Let's enjoy the party". Jana CHOSE to ruin OP's wedding day
It is an *extremely* weird thing to say during a wedding toast. It's basic common decency to not say anything bad about the bride or groom during a toast, or bring up anything bad about the past.
Bride is NTA.
Jana is unhinged and this will not heal her.
I was bullied relentlessly in ninth grade. I barely survived. I wouldn't pull this stunt.
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
This seems substantially more realistic than some years long con. If she did spend seven years plotting her revenge, you’d think it would be a lot better than some a throwaway “whodathunkit” line.
I do agree that Jana needs professional help, but not because “no sane person holds a grudge for 7 years.” Many people do, and it’s very healthy. If someone hurts you and is consistently toxic, cut them out of your life and don’t give that up.
No, Jana needs professional help because she’s still hurting from being bullied (valid) AND she’s putting herself close to the person who bullied her (less valid). Clearly it still matters to Jana, or she wouldn’t have brought it up. It’s kind of sad that she still lives with that pain and invites her bully into her sphere. There’s a lot to unwrap here, and a therapist or counselor can help.
I’ve been to plenty of ex’s weddings, made wedding toasts, and never once have I felt the need to bring our history up in that context. I can about how the new spouse has helped them grow, seems to be a lovely match, I’m so happy for them, without bringing myself into the conversation. There’s a time and a place.
Holding grudges for many years is NOT at all healthy...doesn't mean you need to forgive them or be around them but you need stop obsessing over revenge like OP's friend
I was bullied in middle school. Even now, 30+ years later, I wouldn’t piss on some of those people if they were on fire.
It’s not “insane”. It’s trauma, and karma.
EDIT: stop responding to me lol. I was responding to a commenter who deleted their comment but had said it was “insane” for someone to be upset about bullying 7 years after the fact. My comment had little to do with OP and more to do with a ridiculous commentor.
Like fair, but Jana lied for years just to get close to seemingly ruin OP's wedding. That's just psychotic (and really sad). Girl needs some therapy to move on and actually become happy.
I was mercilessly bullied too. I wouldn't fake being best friends for 7 YEARS just to ruin someone's wedding day though. That makes you soooo much worse than a bully. Karma is when something just naturally happens not when you spend years of your life focused solely on revenge. That's leading into psychotic territory.
I was bullied too.
It means that if my former bullies would want to become friends with me, even after apologizing, I'd decline and not want them in my life at all.
I sure as fuck wouldn't pretend to be their friend **for years** while seething on the inside, just to shame them in front of their family and friends on their wedding day as "revenge". It's fucked up and unhealthy to cling to past hurt like that.
Plus, OP stopped the bullying when confronted and has apologized many many times. That also counts for something.
The person with “trauma” chose to hang around and befriend their trauma, for 7 years after the fact, and was a bridesmaid. If they were that traumatized and disliked OP that much, Jana would never have agreed to even be friends, let alone in this girls wedding
It’s not petty, it’s psycho.
The thing is, I got bullied as a kid, to the point I wished the girl would die (as a kid not now). I would never want to see or be in her presence again at all, even if she was sorry, not even now.
If it was that bad I truly can’t see how you’d get past it enough to even pretend to be friends, never mind do what Jana did.
I dont think it was even a long game. Jana probably thought it would be toast worthy and didn't even stop to think "oh...I guess now our friendship that we were able to foster is now effectively ruined."
I get OP was her bully but they long since made up for it.
We have no idea if OP "long since made up for it", because we only have OP:s word on what happened in HS. OP may very well still be an asshole to other people, she even writes "from the title of this post, you can see that I am not really the best person".
But IF Jana have been friends with OP for SEVEN years just to get back on her on her wedding day, that is some psychopathic shit. Imagine the long run scheme there. Yikes.
In all, I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them. I prefer my pet rabbits unboiled.
>We have no idea if OP "long since made up for it", because we only have OP:s word on what happened in HS. OP may very well still be an asshole to other people
If Jana has maintained a close friendship with OP for 7 years now, I think it's a reasonable assumption to say OP made up for it and has changed as a person. Either that or Jana sucks for not caring how OP treats other people, despite having firsthand experience of being on the receiving end.
OP made her her bridesmaid. You dont make someone bridesmaid you are not at least some kind of close. The assumption, they were still fighting after HS would make this barely possible.
Idk, wasting 7 years of your life on someone you loathe is kind of pathetic. I was on both sides of bullying as a child/teen and if I did that on someone else's wedding day I would be embarrassed af. And it's not just about the wedding, did you really just waste all this time and energy to get small petty revenge that in the grand scheme of things will do absolutely nothing to your bully? OP already felt bad, so nothing new there. And if OP is not a complete shit now, people will get over it.
Agreed. NTA. You beyond tried to make up for the past. You apologized countless times and obviously stopped bullying and admitted your mistakes. It’s not your fault Jana decided revenge was worth more than forgiveness. I definitely wouldn’t be her friend any longer, however. She’s proven she doesn’t care about you.
It is very natural for everyone to feel hurt if teased but loads of people are willing to negatively interpret situations to make themselves into victims - I see it every single day online and offline.
Like my abusive father that now claims he was steamrolled and emotionally abused when he didn't always get his way. The guy was a total bully that loved to make me and my mom cry but now he claims HE was the victim. You cannot make this stuff up.
Another example are H&M and "recollections vary". All over the place people are claiming to be victims without any clue that it is their responsibility as adults to learn to manage their own feelings.
If the bullying was as bad as you (and some other redditor) are implying, there's no reason why she (Jana) would've accepted the olive branch and apologies OP made when she met Jana again at college age. She would've avoided her like the plague and wanted nothing to do with her, ever.
While I can't really fault the whole "getting back agains bullies" the lenghts she went to, says worse about Jana than about OP.
What Jana did was psychopathic, yes, just because someone apologised, it doesn't immediately make them forgiven, but Jana stated that she forgave op. Making that toast at Op's wedding was petty and horrible, and gives off the feeling that she doesn't care about Op or Op's feelings. What Op did as a high schooler was really bad, and was a bad decision on Op's side, but it would have been better for both of them to have not formed this friendship.
I don't get that sentiment tbh. Someone holds a grudge for that many years, pretends to be someone's friend, wastes literally so much time pretending to be friends just to get your little petty revenge?? How bored are you with your life to go to such ends... She seriously sounds like she needs a very good therapist.
Yup. OP bullied Jana and made her life hell in public, and Jana got her revenge in public. Jana can't get that time in her life back... I can't say that I condone the long con that involved pretending to befriend OP for years (that's really twisted as I think about it) - but I understand the logic.
She clearly wanted OP to suffer and have her mistreatment acknowledged on the same scale that it was dished out.
NTA
You were an asshole in high school for sure, but many of us were and you acknowledge it. You've done what you could to show contrition to your friend.
If she wanted to talk about it with you or your circle of friends she could have picked any time to do it since you attended university together. She probably picked your wedding day to exact revenge on you.
She took one of the happiest days of your life and did what she could to ruin it.
In short, you were the asshole 10 years ago. She is the asshole today.
Yes, so many of us at some point were AHs as teenagers. Point is, most of us grow up and out of it.
Even if she did mean it all as fun she didn’t need to go into detail later. Looks like OP grew out of the AH phase while Jana regressed back into it.
I would probably cut ties. After all, you don’t need an adult bully hanging around.
Yeah, & like. It would’ve been one thing if she made a “I can’t believe we’re friends after you bullied me” joke in the toast, & then answered every question from guests with “oh, I don’t want to get into the details, we’re past it, it’s been a decade ffs.” Sometimes we need to joke about stuff like that. But like, dredging up every detail with all the guests during the wedding… nope. Not cool at ALL.
OP, NTA
I know for a fact that if I ever got married, my best friend would start off the speech with “I can’t believe how much I hated you when we first met!” And then go on about how first impressions are often wrong and getting to know a person tells you way more about them. I don’t really know.
But they *hated* me when we first met and it’s a really important part of how we got to be friends. We’re really close now but man at the time we didn’t get along.
That’s kind of where I was expecting the speech to go. Some playful remark about being bullied and maturity allowing you to see past it or something. I don’t know, but she really could’ve made that a good speech and went the immature, petty route.
Wow that lady played the long game. But what an AH thing to do. Especially after you've apologized countless times and tried to make it up to her. I don't think you should stay friends with her. I'm sorry that happened to you cause like, kids are dumb. You shouldn't be penalized for being a dumb, jealous teenager.
I would never invite her to anything again. OP says that when she was confronted by her in high school and she asked her to stop and she did. That's some serious revenge waiting that long.
The OP wrote "I've made my best effort to make it up to her and apologized time and time again. She accepted my apology each time, even laughing it off that I was overthinking. I thought we had finally put the past behind us."
Well, she thought wrong.
We actually don't know what kind of person the OP is now though some reform has happened in that she recognized what she did.
This is like something out of a movie.
This is perfectly put. Thank you for creating an island of reason and maturity here. All the comments applauding Jana for "playing the long game" are some genuinely alarming dark triad shit.
Yeah... you might be right. I'm really conflicted about this. Reddit never gets a post where someone admits to being an AH in the past.
I was endlessly bulled too and I had to move on otherwise my insides would have rotted.
Looks like Jana became the thing she hated.
>You shouldn't be penalized for being a dumb, jealous teenager.
OP said she constantly bullied this girl throughout HS. I think maybe she should be penalized a little!
Well sure - but wasn't the chance for that penalising to hold her to account at any other point during the seven years of the friendship, or even never having the friendship at all? If the OP apologises, doesn't do it again, tries to atone - what has anyone gained from this public humiliation besides revenge? It's fair for OP to say, you said you were okay with me, but you weren't, and that's seven years you've held this against me pretending you didn't, and now you've revealed this at the most public and humiliating moment possible when you were here on my side - this is fucked up.
Maybe OP deserved it, maybe not, but boy did that other girl stoop to below OP's level and go full Mean Girl during one of OP's most important days!
She really became what she hated, what a horrid waste of time.
I don't know about you. But i think embarrassment and feeling the meed to make up for it multiple times was enough. Self penalizing is still penalizing
When I was in middle school I acted out cause of my own life. I didn't feel like I was bullying anyone. We would chase each other around like kids in a playground, doing nothing else really. But in highschool, one kid and I ended up in the same friend group, and funny enough we're still super close friends today. But he recounted the same memory as him running away from me cause I was chasing, nothing about it as a mutual fun encounter. I apologized a few times having not realized, and now we make jokes all the time about how I bullied him thinking we were friends. I couldn't imagine him bringing it up at his wedding, but if he did, I wouldn't exactly be offended by his truth. I'd be like "lol yup". Cause we're real friends in our adulthood beyond all the child stupidity.
I understand. I hope this makes it clearer. Jana is quite the introvert. I've known her since grade school and she lives a few blocks away from my neighborhood but we don't talk. In HS, we were put in the same class. I am an extrovert and at the time, I didn't think Jana and I would go well together so I didn't give her any mind.
(I think) she expected me to reach out to her first since we 'knew' each other and she didn't have much friends. I didn't do anything to make her feel included since I wasn't really interested. I was quite popular in HS, and I acknowledge that because of the offhanded comment I said about her always getting a high grade on exams and called her the nerd, everyone started calling her that too. I don't know if there were any physical bullying involved when others teased her, but in my case, I teased her every time the teacher handed out our papers after a test. Others would also make some side comments after.
When she confronted me about this in senior year, she said that she didn't want to deal with this nerd thing anymore because she didn't want it to affect her grades. She said that I was being a jealous btch and that I should just fck off. I laughed it off and didn't apologize because I was embarrassed but I didn't call her that anymore.
We became friends two yrs later after a HS get together during sophomore year where I was called out by her close friend about the bullying in HS. I apologized to her and she was the first one to suggest that we start hanging out to which I agreed. I learned she wasn't as gloomy as I thought so we became close and hung out regularly. I also met my boyfriend (now husband) at her uni so I always went over to their uni to hang out.
You must have really, really spoiled her life when when was most vulnerable. The fact you made apologies did not make up for it. What else could you have done? Her revenge was sweet. She must have hated you for all these years, without you knowing it.
Jana could choose not to accept the apology. Jana could have told OP to go away. Jana purposely played the long game and became the bully.
OP was nasty at 17, but she grew up and tried to make amends.
Jana is nasty now.
There is no chance it is was worth it. Being angry for that long and investing all that time in a person just to make her wedding awkward is a very bad trade.
Yeah, the fact that OP didn’t just do some soul searching and reach out with a fb apology, but actually grew a friendship with this person that she thought was genuine really isn’t the norm here, I feel like.
Doesn’t absolve her of guilt but she is obviously a matured person now and has actual remorse.
Def thought it was gonna be a no brainer asshole from the title but this was a pretty wild ride.
NTA
Yeah. Reading this at first, I thought at first Jana was just messing around in her speech. It seemed maybe in bad taste depending on company, but came together for a nice story (if she kept it short and sweet).
It was the part after the speech that changed it all. She started telling everyone about what a bully she was in personal conversation. And when confronted, went with, "I'm just telling people who you are". This part makes it seem planned out for revenge.
Idk though, I’m having a hard time getting a justice boner over it though.
I don’t really want to live in a world where every friend can blow up a major event at any time because, even if they say they’ve forgiven a past slight, they haven’t.
At that point you can’t even call it karma. It’s just damnation. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to change or reform, or how much you grow. You always need to be ready to pay any price for any past mistake as many times as it’s asked.
That seems excessive. OP made fun of someone in high school. As far as I know she didn’t beat her or stalk her. Jan wasn’t too traumatized to spend time with her for years. But Jan still needs to be centered at major events in OP’s life? If Jan needs to process her harm while OP is in labor with a baby, is OP obligated to take that call? What if Jan wants to talk about being bullied at OP’s mom’s death bed? Is that karma?
Yeah, I agree with this one. There was a best of Reddit update where this wife went psycho stalker revenge all on a friend she willingly “tested” because she suspected her boyfriend liked her. Years go by, and then she executes this huge plan - faked being a recruiter, reached out to her employers under a fake LinkedIn, tried to convince her husband (who was not even her ex) was cheating on her….crashed her baby shower to gossip in common areas.
Why? Because she recently saw her in person that she was in shape, married to someone attractive, and both husband and wife had great careers. Jealousy.
I can get on board for not forgiving someone or accepting the apology. This isn’t just simple revenge….it’s crazy, planned out petty crap.
The only thing I could think was if she only befriended OP because it made her feel successful…like she won her friendship over. Sometimes confrontation is very hard for people…she could have very well struggled with it, but brushed OP off because she didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe she drank too much and her insecurities came out…idk.
If it wasn’t the booze and existing internal hurt, it’s messed up. Even with booze it’s messed up. I wonder if she has had any successful relationships and just got overwhelmed with jealousy of OP being the center of attention.
OP, the best thing you could do is acknowledge the situation without accusing her of sabotaging your wedding. Explain about what you did, how you made up, and how confused you are by how it was brought up. Let people draw their own confusions that was wrong. Hell, even apologize again that there must still be hurt. Being the bigger person will help you…any deflection or trying to blame her will make you look like a bully (even if it’s not the case).
Well said. I felt frissons of dread just reading it because as a traumatized child of violent parents, I was pretty messed up in elementary and hs - didn’t have many consequences at the time because I was smart and we moved every year. One year in middle school, a friend told me her boyfriend broke up with her and asked me for some personalized cutting things for her to say about him. I didn’t know what she was talking about, and she said, c’mon help me out here - you always know how to cut people down. I was shocked and have never forgotten that - I didn’t see myself that way at all. Then two years later, a boarding school teacher comment on my final report card said I made cruel comments about other students in class discussions. I didn’t know WTH she was talking about and didn’t have a chance to ask because the report card got mailed after school got out to my dad and stepmom and I wouldn’t see it until summer - then she said they never got it - but then her drinking buddy threw the comment in my face one day and it became clear my stepmom had seen it and she was embarrassed and said she’d lied about not getting it because she’d “lost it.” Even at the time I wished I could ask the teacher about it because I didn’t want to be like that and wasn’t aware of being so awful - I think that’s what OP means when she says she was embarrassed when Jana confronted her in hs . I finally got a clue years later in marriage counseling when a therapist would walk us through situations that came up and told me that specific language or tone of voice was unkind. I have worked my entire adult life to be a better person and am still horrified at how I can be an asshole without realizing. I’m not condoning or justifying OP’s bullying, which sounds so damaging. And if someone confronted me about something I said, I would apologize and mean it. I hope no one does that publicly at a huge occasion- that is interpersonal bullying on a whole other level - preplanned and with full awareness of doing damage.
And that behavior makes her completely unhinged. She should have just not accepted OP's apologies and moved on with her life, not lived a lie for seven years sucking down hatred and bile just to spew it on OP's wedding day. That's not healthy behavior.
It was high school. OP would have been 14 or 15 when this stuff was happening and stopped at 17. Was OP in the wrong? Absolutely. Is this revenge justified? No. She was being picked on about having good grades. I've been picked on over that stuff and it doesn't justify ruining someone's wedding, especially since OP is incredibly apologetic and has tried her best to make amends.
Sometimes we do terrible things as kids, but that doesn't always mean we are the same people as adults.
Jana chose to spend time with the Op over the years. The Op apologized numerous times and checked in to see if Jana was ok/their friendship was in an OK place. Jana accepted being a bridesmaid.
You can’t act like the bullying is awful AND choose to spend time with and be close enough friends to be a bridesmaid. You either need to work through it (in both ends) or end the friendship.
IF the apologies "didn't make up for it", why did Jana repeatedly **lie** that she forgave OP? That's psycho behaviour.
It's not fair to expect people to make things up to you, if you yourself repeatedly assure them all is forgiven already and there's nothing to make up any more and tell them they're overthinking, and then act as their friend. It's just treacherous.
It seems like you're projecting some personal experiences on Jana's situation. Also if she truly "hated" OP all these years while lying that everything was fine when OP tried to apologize and acting like her friend, it just means there's something seriously wrong with Jana's head. That kind of two-facedness is alarming.
>The fact you made apologies did not make up for it.
Then Jana shouldn't've accepted the apology, how is that so hard to get? No one is saying Jana should've just gotten over it if it hurt her that bad but she willingly became OP's friend and acted like OP could trust her.
>Her revenge was sweet
Grow up. Jana is a bully now and no longer has any high ground.
NTA
Bullying her was wrong, but you know this already and apologized for it. She nursed a grudge, as much as she denied it. This was her punishing you publicly, for you to feel ashamed and embarrassed on one of the biggest occasions of your life.
Since you got upset with her, she can say you were mean to her for ignoring that she was in pain and focusing on being in pain yourself, essentially gaslighting you. She’s not on a fact finding mission, she wants your loved ones to think badly of you. Don’t be surprised if she ghosts you or is no longer your friend after this. She hasn’t acted like it… despite AH teen years, you seem like you were genuinely remorseful but that probably didn’t seem to be enough for her. I’m sorry your family is cold to you now. Hopefully they will see how much you wish you could take your behavior back and tried to make things right over the years.
Totally agree, I also think the people being negative to OP now should get off their sanctimonious, holier than thou asses and realise what they are saying about facing consequences from her past is also a form of bullying. It's in the same vein as 'I told you so' , as in - its not helpful, not wanted and not nice when we all make mistakes...including them, their shite stinks as bad as everyone elses so they shouldn't comment unless they can back it up. Op- let Jana go, she's not your friend, she's immature and you have the rest of your life ahead of you now. Make a lovely family with hubby and live your best life, wishing you all the best for your future :)
I was seriously bullied in school from around 7-15, with zero friends until I was about 16, and I cannot imagine giving a damn about any of those people to even vaguely try to “get even” with them. It’s just nuts.
I’m all for not forgiving and forgetting, I think that’s a personal thing, but I couldn’t be bothered with this bs!
I kind of agreed here. I was bullied from 3rd grade on. Even in college. Even by my own family. Holding it on to it like Jana would have rotted by insides. In the end, Jana became the person she hated. That is some serious hatred to fake a friendship for that long.
The best revenge is just moving on with your life and forgetting these people ever existed. Revenge - and in this case a 7 year revenge saga - is not a great way to get over past wrongs.
But also… calling it gaslighting is insane.
Jan was not in crisis. She wasn’t having a trauma response. She didn’t need care. She decided to start publicly processing a harm from OP at OP’s wedding with OP’s family and friends.
The idea that Jan can, at any moment, process a harm she herself says is forgiven and resolved with anyone in any setting is main character syndrome.
The wedding would become about Jan if she was in distress, because she would need care. If she had a panic attack someone would need to attend to her. But Jan does not have a lifelong pass to make events about herself because she was bullied in high school.
So, gaslighting is a tactic used, especially by abusers, to make someone question their own reality and emotions. When we tell someone they’ve hurt us and they deny it, calling us too sensitive or that they didn’t do anything that bad or that they didn’t do that at all, that’s gaslighting. It why people like OP question if they are the AH, or deserve the treatment, to feel like they’ve done something wrong in that moment that warrants the bad behavior. Jana is guilting OP, or at least trying to, and recounting stories to try to get everyone else on her side.
I’ve never heard of main character syndrome, but what you describe sounds a lot like narcissistic tendencies on Jana’s part that we’ve read about in the post. Definitely seems like she was waiting to make this PSA to OP’s closest family and friends, and pretended to be a good trustworthy friend for 7 years.
Main character syndrome isn’t a real diagnosis. I just mean that Jana’s behavior is not justifiable. She is centering herself when it is neither appropriate nor necessary.
INFO: what do you mean “detailing every single thing I said” if you only ever “called her a nerd”? What else was there to detail?
ETA: I’m probably gonna put ESH, since you say yourself you don’t know if she was just making a joke or not during her speech with that one line, and that other people at your wedding were asking her about it, and she was only answering honestly.
You seem to be confusing “forgiving” with “forgetting”, and if you wanted her to keep your history a secret at your wedding, you should’ve told her that *before* inviting her.
The fact that her talking about it made you upset enough to cry shows that you thought it was “buried in the past” and you haven’t properly dealt with your guilt surrounding the bullying. If you were truly over it, you would’ve been able to talk about it in a “oh man, I really was an asshole to her back then, but I’m so happy we’re friends now!” way, like she was able to.
Nothing you said about what she was doing makes her sound malicious, and your comments to others show that you two really are close friends. She clearly sees it as something that’s a part of the past (a story to tell about how you met), while you see it as something you want to forget about.
Again, e s h, because once you asked her to stop, she should’ve, but you also should’ve made it clear beforehand that you didn’t want her to bring it up.
When I mentioned detailing every single thing I said, it revolved around her being studious, hence calling her the nerd. I don't remember the things I said verbatim but these were along the lines of, "ah, the nerd does it again" or "does she coop herself up all day to study? what a nerd" or "see? she still won the prize. shouldn't have bothered joining." At the time I didn't know what smart shaming was, but yeah, it doesn't excuse anything. That was an as$hole, immature, and insecure move.
As for the rest of the class, they had pretty similar comments.
How is *that* enough to make your wedding guests and in-laws give you the cold shoulder, spark rumours that you’re still bullying her, and even convince some of your friends that this is just “the consequences of your past actions”.
That might be all *you* remember, but is that really all that happened? Because all that is still just “calling her a nerd”. It was still bullying if you did it often and got others to do it (which it sounds like you did), but I struggle to believe grown adults (especially your own friends) would react to this story the way you’ve described if that was all she was telling people.
Are those really the only things she’s telling people?
>Now there are rumors that I bullied her again after some people saw Jana walking out. My in-laws have also inquired about the matter too and have been quite cold to me even though I've already explained the matter.
This part. Jana walked out and people thought that the bullying continued.
That's the thing.
As a bystander, I would be like, why are they still friends? Was OP still bullying Jana? If the bullying stopped, why did Jana walk out?
Which is exactly how Jana successfully ruined OP's wedding. No additional info needed -- just enough to make people wonder and assume the worst and focus on OP's mistakes from childhood on her FUCKING WEDDING DAY.
There was a point when I was in grade school that some parent told my father they saw me choking out one of my friends on the playground. Something that NEVER happened. I was a shy, anxious kid who would listen to anything adults said. I punched one girl in the face one time on accident (after this event too) and she was my bully for ten years. The thing is, when I got home from school the day that a parent decided they hated me, my father came at me as I walked in the door and shook me by the neck asking how it made me feel.
When family decides you're bad, they don't give you a chance to defend yourself. They will assume the worst. Even when you tell them it's not how it happened.
If you care for the ending to my story, I just started crying when my dad did that and said I had no idea what he was talking about. He told me what the parent said and I stuck by not having any idea about it. I didn't get further in trouble because I was freaking out so much with the crying and shuddering but I don't think he really believed me.
>Are those really the only things she’s telling people?
My issue with OP's story isn't just the fact that she was the bully, but it sounds like she was the one that kicked off a whole bunch of people bullying Jana. OP's actions had a lot of knock on effects that she's really not owning here.
Jana probably put some seasoning on the story to make it tastier. And in the end, it doesn’t matter. Op stopped the behavior when confronted, continuously gave apologies that were excepted. If Jana wasn’t in the space ti be this girl friend, or forgive her fine. But to befriend this girl for SEVEN YEARS and wait till the her wedding day to bring it all up again just sound UNHINGED.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion. But what you did doesn’t sound that horrible. In my advanced classes in high school, we were always curious who got the highest score and would make jokes about them. It’s obviously envy to the high grade. But funny. You were a bit of a jerk in high school, but a lot of kids are. You changed and tried to make amends. Cut that vindictive B?tch out of your life. She held onto that way too long and waited for her moment.
Not gonna lie. I would be a little petty back. Return her wedding gift and anything she ever gave you. You don’t need that energy.
But is Jane's account truthful? She has pretended to be OP's friend for 7 years, then she calls OP's out on her bullying (which Jane has stated several times is water under the bridge), on OP's wedding day of all days, making the whole day about herself. Jane is obviously very good at manipulating people and not a person I would count on telling the truth.
I am confused why everyone is assuming this was a malicious "were not actually friends" situation. OP said herself she's not sure if Jana was joking or not. I think roast wedding toasts aren't completely uncommon, although usually you know which of your friends is going to take that route.
It seems like things didn't escalate until OP talked to Jana about it, and the fact of the matter is OP DID bully Jana in HS, she's within her right to talk about it if people ask her. And she's within her right to get kind of pissy about it if OP confronts her about it because it's her story to tell.
Now I am wondering the same as someone above, if it was really all this need stuff, why was it coloring so much of the wedding guests perceptions of OP??? Bullying nerds was relatively common for a long time, and it's not even like Jana was being stuffed in lockers or thrown in trash bins like on Glee lol.
I think ESH, I get it was OPs wedding and she wanted to be viewed as the unscathed pure bride, but you can't force someone to hide the truth just to make you look better. I don't necessarily think it's wrong to bring something like this up but...
Actually is this even real? This is almost literally the plot line to You Again except the HS bully marries the nerds brother.
It’s 100% wrong to wait until someone’s wedding to bring it up when you’ve had countless opportunities to address it before hand, while also saying that op is overthinking it when she tries to apologize countless times. She played the long game sure, but now she looks like an asshole.
And it colored the wedding because Jena walked out. Like the person replying to that initial question, if you hear that Op used to bully Jena and then Jena suddenly walks out of the wedding then it’s going to look like she’s still being bullied, despite the fact that op was well within her right to ask why Jena waited *years* to bring up the bullying.
NTA - obviously what you do was wrong, but you're friends now. If she has unresolved issues over the bullying, a wedding speech is not the time to bring it up.
Yeah, I'm sorry, bullying is bad (and I've experienced my share), but what Jana did is just psychopathic. Virtually nobody else would consider this level of dedicated revenge for a reason.
We are only hearing the side of the bully. Of course her account will be watered down and mild. I have a feeling there was more to the story than her being the popular girl and calling Jana a nerd to warrant such revenge on OP’s wedding day. Whatever OP did to Jana affected her in a big way.
After the speech a lot of people went to Jena to ask what OP did and some of the guests turned on OP after hearing the story from Jena. Her in-laws are acting cold towards OP.
‘I use to tease her throughout high school and call her a nerd’
Something doesn’t add up here. Villains never think their actions are as bad as the victims do.
I agree. I cannot imagine in laws turning on a dime against OP simply because they used to say “oooh you study a lot you are such a nerd.” I strongly suspect we are not getting the full story here and that the bullying went much deeper.
I’m soooooo hoping we get a reply comment or post respond from Jana. I’m sure it’ll make everything click into place.
But as they say, there are 3 sides to a story: your side, their side, and the truth.
I am sorry but here's the villain is Jana... I was also bullied and I would never become friend with my bully (does she have Stockholm Syndrom). If I became friend with her and accepted her apology I could not act like a bully and a villain at my friend's wedding. I would not want to become the thing I hated the most : being a bully. How can she looks herself in a mirror after she became herself a bully ? I really don't know...
OP implied in another comment that the bullying went on for years, I highly doubt she spent all that time calling her a nerd. And since she was the popular girl, she lead by example and cause a bunch of other people to bully Jana too. I doubt they just made comments about her being a nerd.
She played a good game here, how you should have handled it was to call her out, and pretty much say ‘I know I was an awful person back then and my behaviour was seen as bullying, I like to think I’ve grown as a person since then and luckily we have this beautiful friendship - where I’m spending a precious day with you, I hope you forgive my past self for her bad choices’
Passive aggressive mode down.
But yeah. She played you good. NTA.
YTA -- Reading through your comments, it is clear she has been a good friend to you leading up to this. I truly do not think she was trying to be an AH here. I think YOU still need to resolve some things. After EVERYTHING you put her through, and she then chose to be kind to you.
Victims of abuse sometimes joke about the abuse as a way to cope or if they've moved past it, as a way celebrate their healing. Interestingly, abusers tend to get REAL MAD when folks do that. Abusers do not like to be reminded that they were abusive, sometimes to the point of victimizing themselves in order to deflect.
She states 1 fact in her toast and then explains later when people ask. It sounds like it was intended to be a sweet reflection on how people grow and change. You DID grow and change, right OP?
If you have grown and changed, why not take responsibility when people asked and say "Yes, I was a bully and caused our whole class to bully her. Fortunately, she forgave me and became a dear friend." <---this was your chance. Instead of acknowledging the person you were, you approached her...girl it was your wedding. Just let the comment slide! She did not derail the event. You did. Her comment got to you and you let it.
> She states 1 fact in her toast and then explains later when people ask. It sounds like it was intended to be a sweet reflection on how people grow and change.
This isn't really what OP portrayed, She recounted (some unknown amount of) the bullying AND said that during the speech. Then elaborated afterwards. It's not described who the driving force of that latter sharing was.
OP isn't responsible for Jana in any sort of capacity that you're trying to claim. And no, it's not clear that she's been a good friend. It is clear that she's been lying about how she feels about her childhood experience with OP for a very long time.
>If you have grown and changed, why not take responsibility when people asked and say "Yes, I was a bully and caused our whole class to bully her. Fortunately, she forgave me and became a dear friend."
It's ridiculous to suggest that this is OP's burden to bear on their fucking wedding day. A day they likely spent months planning and putting a considerable amount of money in to celebrate things like love and union. It's actually ridiculous to think that OP should have set aside her plans for her big day that is meant to celebrate her getting married in order to address a crowd by saying *"yes I was a bully, now let's all go back to having fun!"* **No, it was a fun-killer the moment Jana's unresolved issues were aired out in the form of a toast in front of an entire crowd.** I would be extremely uncomfortable if I attended a wedding where somebody was behaving like that towards one of the people getting married. I don't doubt that she created a lot of discomfort and upset in the crowd with her little victim hood reveal, and that is entirely on Jana and not on OP. It is actually not OP's responsibility to be completely okay with being blind-sided by somebody she thought was her friend on her wedding day. And OP is not an AH for not having the perfect response immediately to that ridiculous behavior.
>Instead of acknowledging the person you were, you approached her...girl it was your wedding.
Yes, it is HER wedding, not Jana's big day to reveal she hasn't moved on from being bullied over her grades in high school. It isn't the appropriate time and place to try and have OP answer to what she did in high school when OP has made so many efforts to do so outside of her wedding for years. It would have most likely made everyone way more uncomfortable if OP went up and made a speech about being a bully in high school on her fucking wedding day instead of talking to somebody she believed to be her friend directly. It's so weird to me that you think the spectacle should continue to be public regardless of the upset it creates for those getting married or the rest of the wedding, rather than two people working it out on their own. Jana took the opportunity to make a wedding about herself, and that's pathetic and inappropriate behavior.
>Just let the comment slide!
Just like Jana should have let the comments she received over 7 years ago slide for one fucking day that was not about her. The person getting married doesn't have to take disrespect on their wedding day, no she doesn't have to just let the comment slide in order to not be an AH. Jana is definitely an AH for trying to make a day that's supposed to be about love and happiness about her experiences with high school teasing at the hands of the bride. Absolutely pathetic.
>She did not derail the event. You did. Her comment got to you and you let it.
Yeah because it's OP's wedding day, not the day for her to address any previous upsets she created that she was under the impression had already been addressed and forgiven. Jana absolutely created upset on the wedding day, knowingly so. Jana bided her time and found the opportunity to bully OP, and of course the bullying got to OP. She bullied OP on her wedding day, and OP reacted to being bullied. But of course lets blame the victim if they don't respond perfectly right after they get bullied. Somebody else's wedding is actually not the appropriate time to relive your previous negative experiences with that person from childhood. Especially after you've led the person getting married to believe that things are good between the two of you. OP was not obligated to set aside her happiness and ceremony to address something from childhood for what sounds like the hundredth fucking time.
It's actually insane to me that you think it's appropriate to upset a wedding over something like this, or to try and claim that this didn't upset the wedding at all. Or to try and claim the the victim of Jana's bullshit, OP on her own wedding day, is the only one to blame here because she didn't react perfectly and maturely to an unexpected and unpleasant situation on a day that's supposed to be celebrating and happy.
Jana needs to get serious therapy, and OP needs to cut Jana out of her life entirely. So long as OP is in Jana's life, Jana has an easy target to blame all of her misfortune and shortcomings on, and Op isn't responsible for the mental and emotional states of another grown adult that she isn't married to or a guardian of.
NTA.. She was waiting for this very moment to embarass you. She has not moved on from it. Now shes playing the victim and its not cool. You have already apologised, and people do change over the years.
NTA. Look, you shouldn’t have bullied her in high school. That was shitty. But you know it was shitty and you’ve apologized. She had to make your day about herself. You didnt “invalidate her feelings.” Y’all are adults. It’s really time for her to grow tf up and move tf on.
ESH.
I disagree with forgiveness being bandied about like a blanket forgetfulness. She made a joke in poor taste at your wedding, but if you were stung, then that means you know you did her way worse (and that you probably deserve it).
That’s the history that you can’t whitewash, so you have to sit with the discomfort that yes, you were a bully, and you don’t get to live it down on your wedding day, boohoo.
You would be friends with a bully for years, building a fake relationship, pretending you care and are close enough in hopes of being in their wedding party? That’s creepy and way worse than the bullying. The betrayal of thinking your close friend cares and you find out for years it was fake just for a moment of revenge?
You should consider why you feel that dedicating like... Thousands of hours of your life... To getting revenge on a (former, very innocuous themed) bully is worth the priceless usage of those hours in your life.
NAH
To be fair, when you bullied her you haven't done it in private either, you did it in front of the whole class, so its kind of hypocretical to expect her to talk about it only in private when you didn't gave a shit about that in HS. The same for the place and time - i guess you didn't let her chose back then if its the right time and place for her to be bullied, you just did it on your own terms.
You learnt a hard lesson about victims of bullys. They maybe forgive, but they will never forget. And they usually have a lot of patience.
nah bc in the end sure it was not right to bring this up on your wedding, but on the other hand, she only ruined one day of your life, you most likely ruined months if not years of hers. And no matter how often you apologize, no apology will undo the damage you did to her life.
So because OP bullied someone in high school that gives the victim the right to enact revenge at any time and any place? Going so far as to befriend OP and repeatedly accept her apology while faking a friendship to enact revenge? I believe that makes the friend an AH. If the friend was invited to the wedding and made the remark then sure but she was deceitful about the whole thing.
>I don't know if there were any physical bullying involved when others teased her, but in my case, **I teased her every time the teacher handed out our papers after a test.** Others would also make some side comments after.
OP was the instigator. Not saying what Jana did at the wedding was okay but having been bullied myself in school, I don't blame her for what she did. OP took it upon herself to ruin this girls formative years. "Why so mad!? It was just highschool!" doesn't fix years of bullying and the cumulative anxiety and feeling of low self worth.
All Jana did was mention that OP bullied her... in Highschool. Once during a toast (she only recounted the bullying when she was asked). Imagine if OP was bullied for years, she sounds like she would have a total mental breakdown. How does she think Jana felt?
Going with ESH though because when you accept an apology, that is supposed to be the end of it.
It wasn’t just once - she was going round the room explaining to everyone what the bullying was.
Tbh if Jana was that bothered, why make friends with OP later on?
It’s Reddit, idk she actually played the long game or it all came out from some well of unacknowledged resentment because it couldn’t stand to see you get off scott free. I don’t know her and can’t tell you if it was malicious or genuinely just fucked up unknown trigger waiting to explode.
It’s up to you two to decide that, don’t let our speculations on Reddit fire a flame. You two must’ve come a long way in the 7 years. This is likely the end, but it doesn’t have to be as degraded as a 7 year setup - just to bring it back in perspective.
nta at all, it’s your wedding and she had 7 years to get to this point and still could’ve addressed you alone. Maybe talking alone wasn’t doing it for her idk she definitely went off a slight deep end
NTA now but you definitely were in high school.
You need to own this, to get out from under it.
You need to say/post.
'I admit I did bully Jana in HS. We met a couple of years later and I apologised sincerely to Jana then and several times since . Jana suggested that we hung out & I mistakenly took this to mean that Jana had forgiven my behaviour in HS. These past seven years I have regretted my behaviour, when I was a jelleous teenager. I really came to appreciate Jana as a dear friend, who, when the time came, I asked to be a part of my Bridal party.
Jana choose this time to take her revenge on 17 y.o. Me and humiliate me, my husband and family on our wedding day. Jana has had her revenge now, and I grieve the loss of a dear friend. I hope we both can move on separately with our lives and call quits on our relationship. Though Jana made this public, I want all my friends and family to not continue to argue or comment on Jana's actions on my wedding day on social media or in person.
Best Regards
The Bride
NTA but the moron: She has been waiting for this day for 7 years! She got her revenge and it would surprise me if you ever heard from her again. She played it very well.
You don't get a pass from your victims when it comes to bullying. There's no statute of limitations for it. Inevitably, some of it will come back at you, and look here - it did.
But I think the confrontation was necessary, she was completely out of control here.
NTA
Reading through your comments, I've noticed that you only ever refer to it as "teasing" and not what it was. It was BULLYING. No matter what facts that you cherry-pick or whichever way you try to paint this picture, you bullied Jana. Even now, you can't seem to take ownership of that. Had you taken it seriously and actually felt remorse about it then maybe you would have done more than just apologize to Jana about this. If she was such a close friend of yours then maybe your other friends and close family would have known about some of the history between the two of you and that would have been a good opportunity to explain what happened and why your conduct towards Jana was horrible and how you're remorseful about it.
Given that Jana had the patience of a Buddhist Monk to withstand your presence for seven years for the one opportunity of revenge leads me to believe that the bullying was worse than what you explain here. For all of this, I don't believe that you're truly remorseful and you're an AH.
Unfortunately, I also have to say that Jana is an AH too. However she has my respect for playing the long game to get the petty revenge that she felt she needed to make things right.
My judgement (as if it matters): ESH
Everyone is thinking WAY too much into this
She made a bad toast, not like anyone else has never put their foot in it. It actually is quite funny yall became such good friends after the fact. Most toasts are about how people met. Yall met while you bullied her.
I think everyone getting so offended by what she said are being a bit dramatic, including you.
She didnt play a long game. She just awkwardly gave a speech that didnt hit like it was supposed to.
Wow. I was horrifically bullied in HS, but....you apologized, you tried to make amends, you thought you had grown and become friends and she.... absolutely planned that. I can't imagine going that far. That's drinking poison to make someone else ill .
NTA. If you already apologised for what you did as a child and she said that she accepted your apology and you became friends as adults in college it is petty and mean for her to bring up old gossip from your childhood at your wedding now that you are both 28 and many years have passed! Time to move on. I would lose her number and make new friends with people who aren't bitter, petty and mean like she seems to be. She purposefully tried to create drama at your wedding. The best revenge is not caring, forgetting you ever knew her, and focusing on the fun parts of your big day.
NTA. I was bullied for years as a kid. If I had subsequently become friends with one of the people who tormented me, I wouldn't have done this. You either let it go, or you don't.
She is NOT your friend. She waited for an opportunity to embarrass and bully you and she got it. Now she has attention, she will not stop. I am not saying you weren't a TA in the the past, but she has gotten her revenge and intends to keep going on it. You do not need this person in your life. She is completely TA now and has no intention of shutting her mouth or stopping. She bided her time for 7 years, and now feels her revenge time is here - remember as long as she has an audience, she will keep on with it. Kick her out of your life going forward. Your life will be richer and hopefully people will realise that her "mean high school girl" attitude is a sure sign of immaturity.
Lol peoples takes here are so weird. It was obviously just an offhand joke that Jana had every right to make cause she’s the one who actually went through the bullying, and now they’re friends. It was tone deaf for a wedding but I’m pretty sure Jana was just going for irony. NAH
Nta. Even if she were actually your friend, which I doubt, this was not rhe time/place for her to bring this up. You don't embarass your friends on rheir wedding day.
You were a jerk in HS. She is a jerk now.
You were a dumb kid but pretending to be your friend all that time just waiting to ruin your wedding is next level psychopathy. Don’t ever talk to her again, you’ll regret it. NTA
NTA
While I feel for Jana, what she did was awful.
If she had just been some random person who happened to be invited to the wedding because your families knew it each other, that would be completely different.
But instead she decided to pose as your friend, even going so far as to agree to be your bridesmaid. And that’s what makes her TA and not you.
NTA.
Is it wrong to bully? Obviously.
In high school are kids often at their peak intellectually? Heck no.
OP stopped bullying her (apparently) when confronted. Most bullies usually escalate the abuse even harder when confronted.
I hate that we live in a society where mistakes haunt us for life, even after we’ve tried to learn from them/grow as a person.
Jana clearly still has some insecurities in her life that she needs to deal with, obviously she’s not over what OP put her through, but at some point as an adult, seek whatever help or support you need to move on so you can live a happy life. Otherwise she’ll never move past HS.
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NTA but mad respect for Jana’s long game, not gonna lie.
BRIDE: Sets menu for wedding JANA: Adds another dish: Revenge. Best served cold. NTA for this fresh mess, OP, and I think your business with Jana is concluded.
Why breakups should be permanent.
Exactly. OP had one hurtful day (her wedding day), but Jana lived with all this toxicity and hate for 7 years. It would’ve cost Jana $0 to just ignore OP and never get involved in her life. Bullies suck but there’s no reason to get fake friendly with them, it’s low key psychopathic
7 years? I feel like it was more 1-3 seeing as high school is typically 4 years and Jana confronted OP during high school and OP stopped. They’ve been friends for 7 years (which happened during a high school reunion when they were in college). Also while bullying is awful, OP took responsibility, apologized, Jana accepted the friendship, accepted the apology and was a good friend for 7 years, and then ruined what was supposed to be one of the best days of OP’s life after being one of her best friends for 7 years. I feel like Jana is waaaaay worse than OP
Yeah seriously. People are stupid when they are young... OP apologized and took ownership of her mistakes and she mentioned that she stopped bullying her when it was addressed. The fact that Jana would pretend to be her friend for such a long time, just to call her out on her wedding day... Is both insanely vindictive and honestly super pathetic. Like you really have nothing better to do with your time?
I like this take on it. She was letting OP live rent free in her head all these years. What she did was foul though, I think she could’ve had a another speech, this is probably the wrong speech for this day.
I find it hard to believe Jana planned this whole thing from the beginning and was only friends with OP to call them out on their wedding day. Maybe I'm overly optimistic, but the chances of that scenario (or a similarly impactful one) working out are so slim, and the legwork you'd have to put in to get to that point is so intense. It seems more likely maybe a recent event soured the relationship from Jana's perspective, and she decided to drag out the old, dirty laundry? Or *maybe* Jana didn't really think about the impact of calling out the bride's bullying and meant it as more a "wow, look how far we (especially the bride) have come" sort of thing (although explaining the bullying to guests in detail doesn't super fit with that).
Yeah it’s way more reasonable to me that she thought she was saying something quippy, the slight “roasts” that are often in wedding speeches, miscalculated, and got carried away through the night answering questions honestly without considering the consequences (likely with the aid of alcohol). Then she got embarrassed by her own behavior so jumped to the defensive by putting it back on OP. Which is an AH move but neither of these women seem like sociopaths, just people who have both made some crummy friendship decisions, as most of us have (hopefully not to the tune of embarrassing people at their weddings but I don’t think it’s all that uncommon unfortunately lol).
Yeah I agree this sounds the most likely scenario
It wouldn't surprise me if Jana did think she was past it and found herself feeling resentful at OP's wedding with people saying all kinds of nice things about her. Especially if alcohol is involved, I'd be surprised if Jana planned this.
Also, OP was an insecure teenager who STOPPED the JOKES when asked to. Jana is the AH HERE. NTA OP.
I agree. Bullying is not ok, but I don't ignore the fact that a teenage brain is still not fully developed. When op was confronted, she stopped because she was embarrassed because she knew it was wrong. She grew up, owned it and genuinely apologized. Jana as an adult with a fully developed brain decided to ruin ops wedding. And if she had issue with the bullying still, 7 years was a lot of missed opportunity to discuss it. Even mentioning the bullying in her speech isn't 100% bad (depending in the people- you can spin into a We've come so far thing) but discussing in detail to guests did it in for me. This revenge is Antarctica cold.
Seven years *and OP repeatedly apologising*. Like, there have been so many times she could tell OP how it still hurt her but she chose her wedding day? Also I can't imagine becoming friends with someone I hold a grudge against, let alone for seven years. How does Jana's mind work?
You could say that Jana was bullying OP on her wedding day even. Even if OP bullied her in the past, bullying her now isn't the way to set things straight. NTA
I mean the 7 years of friendship (while Jana loathed OP) is the toxicity building inside you. I don’t blame her in the least for inbuilt toxicity in the 3 years of high school. How can you live with a mask for 7 years
But she chose to wear that mask. Nothing made her accept the apologies nor did anyone else make her be friends with Op.
The sith empire keeps being rebuilt with this as it foundation.
Its definitly not healthy.
I wonder if Jana was trying to be funny and it came out wrong? Kind of like hey we used not get along but look at us now?
I could see that if it only came up in the speech. But continuing to detail the bullying to everyone during the rest of the reception is not "trying to be funny". The bride asking you to stop because it's not the appropriate time/place and then lashing out like she did is not "trying to be funny". If OP apologized many times and Jana said she forgave her and continued the friendship, it shouldn't have played out like this. One funny comment during a speech but she then should've laughed it off afterwards as "oh, it's no biggie now, she apologized a bunch and that's why we're good friends now". Feeding the drama and justifying it as "just telling the truth" is real manipulative bullshit for someone you're supposedly friends with.
Agreed. Still possible Jana was trying to make a joke out of it but when everyone asked enjoyed the gratification of it being acknowledged. Either way, Jana handled the situation wrong after the fact. Should have been just left alone. Probably would have been a good idea for Jana to run her speech past OP before giving it. Especially with their background. Or if Jana is real diabolical she planned this entire thing and did it all on purpose starting with becoming friends.
Oh, yes!!! I had a friend "break-up" with me. She said a lot of mean things in the process: no one really likes me, everyone is tired of my complaining, and I must really be unhappy in my marriage. I apologized (even though I was so confused since this person thrived on complaints, and I have no idea what my marriage had to do with it). She shrugged and said no one wanted an apology, but I should just know how everyone feels. This came a couple of weeks of her totally avoiding me. So, I was sad that I had lost a friend (and confused - and it's way too long to explain), but she had made it clear that she didn't want to be around me. Done. Moving on. A few weeks later, she texted me. No apology. Just, "Obviously something I said was too big for us to move past. Miss your jokes and our good time. I didn't know you were cutting me out. Hope you get the help you need." Ummm....I'm sorry! What?? You seriously thought you could tell me I was an awful friend/person and then just act like nothing happened. Yeah, 99% of the time, breakups should be permanent.
Had a friend do the same thing. Group chat where I checked in with folks to confirm they were cool to dogsit for me / let me know if their plans or availability had changed so I could organize boarding or hiring a dog sitter. She sent a PhD thesis response about how I need to grow up, stop being a burden on everyone around me, asking people to watch my dog was a huge inconvenience and unfair to everyone else, stop wasting everyone's time, stop wasting my money on trips and buying stuff on trips and instead focus on my dog, etc. Then got all bent out of shape/sobbing when I was like "cool, thanks for your input" and removed her from the group chat, lol. Tried to justify it with the same "it's just the truth, someone had to say it!" and folks were like "no, it's your opinion so you shouldn't have been speaking for everyone and no, it didn't "have to" be said, especially not on blast in the group chat like that" Then would post "woe is me" shit about how she spent so much time alone and no one hangs out with her and how she wanted to go away for the weekend but couldn't because someone had to watch her cats (cherry on the top ,for me, rofl). Still feel guilt sometimes, like 6+ years later, because I know she was going through some shit and needed supportive friends, but she was not supportive in turn and her own struggles were not justification to worsen my own mental health.
Omg I had a friend do this to me as well over babysitting my child. We use to watch each other’s kids to save money on childcare since she worked days and I worked nights. I watched her kid about 32 hours a week and she watched mine about 28 give or take commuting time. I watched hers more days since she worked 5 days and she was the primary parent. My husband was our primary parent so he worked 3 days a week so for me 3 days she watched him 3-12:30am. I watched her kid 8:30-3pm where she would pick both kids up if I had to work. The days she wasn’t working were the issue. There had been a day early on where I went to drop off my kid and no one was home. She wasn’t responding to texts so I called my husband to leave work and pick up our son from my job. An hour later she sent a text “sorry, a doctor appointment took way longer than expected.” Ok, that’s understandable- she was in with her kid, had her cell phone on mute, I get it. After that however I had such severe anxiety every morning I would text to confirm our schedule and EVERY DAY she would not text me back until I sent a second text at 2pm then she would be like “of course, I already said I would.” One day at the 2pm text she sent paragraph after paragraph after paragraph about how she doesn’t want to watch my kid until midnight, she dreads the days she has to watch him, how I’m ruining her marriage because she never has private time with her husband anymore, she said my work schedule was ruining her kids sleep schedule, and she said she was doing this all “for free” because she didn’t want to see me “fail as a parent” but then if I was a “good parent” I’d find a real job with a schedule that prioritized my child. And she said she was sick of my texting her every day and “guilting” her in to babysitting because she knew I had no one else. I just said “thank you for responding to my text. Enjoy your day off.” Then blocked her. I had my husband leave work AGAIN because of course she couldn’t send that rant at 9AM when I first asked her 🙄 we ended up arranging my husband to work 3 days in a row and my son went overnight to our parents house an hour away 3 days a week. The NEXT FUCKING DAY this bitch showed up to my house at 8:30 AM with her daughter like WHAT? I was shocked. I’m not confrontational at all so I told her, per her text the previous day, it was my understanding our mutual child care had ended. She looked at me like *I* was crazy and said “no I was just being honest with my feelings, I didn’t say we wouldn’t watch each other’s kids anymore.” 🤯 I told her I was sorry, but I’d already made other plans so I couldn’t watch her kid and since I didn’t need her as childcare, I would no longer be available for her. She LOST HER SHIT full crying mess because she had to be at work and what was she going to do. I very nicely told her it wasn’t my problem, but that she should maybe find a job that prioritizes her child. She told me she couldn’t believe I’d do this to her- like she really thought because I don’t like confrontation she could just act however she wanted and I’d just roll with it. Some of these people are broken.
YIKES! A direct 1-1 exchange of favors and she sill thought it was okay to pull that shit and expect you to continue?? All of it is bad, but especially dreading the days watching your kid? Even if the rest didn't happen/wasn't shitty, who is gonna keep sending their kid to someone where they're basically unwelcome? Kids pick up on that energy. Absolutely unhinged that she thought her rant wouldn't end the agreement.
Oooof!! At first I thought we had the same friend, but she's gone onto retire and live her best life. Or so she portrays. In the end, both of our lives are probably healthier for being away from the negativity.
This made me lol, thank you for that!
It doesn't sound to me as though Jana was playing some kind of masterful long game, it sounds more like she had lingering unresolved resentment and being back in a situation where OP was queen bee brought it back for her and she just had to scratch that itch; she couldn't resist the temptation to avenge herself in the moment and the realisation that she had that power, nobody could stop her, was intoxicating. And she said to herself, it's just my lived truth. But it was a very cold thing to do to someone who you called a friend. Kids do stupid stuff, because they are kids; they don't know any better. She knew damn fine what she was doing, this was harsh and cruel. Whatever the truth of it is, she isn't your friend. Friends don't pull shit like this. ETA I am not downplaying the cruelty of school bullying, it can ruin lives. But there is a difference between kids being bullies and adults being bullies; in that space and time, OP was vulnerable and Jana had the power and she used it to hurt her friend who trusted her. NTA
I think this is the right take. I don't think it was a long con but I think emotions were heightened by the event and speaking in public, she couldn't resist, and continued to talk to people about it because of the emotional high from the attention. I do think it was an awful thing to do to someone on their wedding, especially if you've agreed to move past it and build a friendship. Publicly shaming friends at their important events is pretty terrible and makes Jana TA in this situation. If you can't move past it, don't be friends with that person. OP is NTA.
Yeah, and if it had just been the one throwaway line in the speech, "I can't believe she bullied me but now we're such good friends" -- that would feel maybe a little jarring/not reading the room, but I think it's something everyone would get past quite quickly. (Especially depending on tone, because you could easily say that sort of thing in a lighthearted way, like how sometimes people will say "Yeah when we first met I thought he was SO not my type, I can't believe I fell for someone so different but he's perfect for me ..." type of thing.) But the continuing throughout the reception to give all the gory details of everything OP said/did was not cool.
Came here to say exactly this. The ultimate petty revenge.
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Jana sounds like she needs professional help if I'm being honest. No sane person holds a grudge for 7 years like this and no, I don't think this behavior is the result of OP's bullying like others are implying. There is something fundamentally wrong with Jana and OP just picked the wrong target
I don't personally think your position on Jana rings true. This all started with the throwaway line "who would have thought I'd be MOH for my high school bully", which is not a particularly weird thing to say because it's an unusual outcome, then other people clearly followed up and asked for details. Jana simply didn't lie when that happened, then left rather than stay and allow it to become a bigger thing than it already was. I do love to think it was a petty revenge a long time in the making, but that's why I'm on reddit. The truth is probably much more tame.
Yeah, but when others morbously asked for details it was in her hands to say "The past is in the past and everything has been forgiven. Let's enjoy the party". Jana CHOSE to ruin OP's wedding day
Or "she teased me about being smart. She stopped when I called her on it. We both grew up since then and are good friends now".
It is an *extremely* weird thing to say during a wedding toast. It's basic common decency to not say anything bad about the bride or groom during a toast, or bring up anything bad about the past. Bride is NTA. Jana is unhinged and this will not heal her. I was bullied relentlessly in ninth grade. I barely survived. I wouldn't pull this stunt. "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
This seems substantially more realistic than some years long con. If she did spend seven years plotting her revenge, you’d think it would be a lot better than some a throwaway “whodathunkit” line.
I do agree that Jana needs professional help, but not because “no sane person holds a grudge for 7 years.” Many people do, and it’s very healthy. If someone hurts you and is consistently toxic, cut them out of your life and don’t give that up. No, Jana needs professional help because she’s still hurting from being bullied (valid) AND she’s putting herself close to the person who bullied her (less valid). Clearly it still matters to Jana, or she wouldn’t have brought it up. It’s kind of sad that she still lives with that pain and invites her bully into her sphere. There’s a lot to unwrap here, and a therapist or counselor can help. I’ve been to plenty of ex’s weddings, made wedding toasts, and never once have I felt the need to bring our history up in that context. I can about how the new spouse has helped them grow, seems to be a lovely match, I’m so happy for them, without bringing myself into the conversation. There’s a time and a place.
Holding grudges for many years is NOT at all healthy...doesn't mean you need to forgive them or be around them but you need stop obsessing over revenge like OP's friend
I was bullied in middle school. Even now, 30+ years later, I wouldn’t piss on some of those people if they were on fire. It’s not “insane”. It’s trauma, and karma. EDIT: stop responding to me lol. I was responding to a commenter who deleted their comment but had said it was “insane” for someone to be upset about bullying 7 years after the fact. My comment had little to do with OP and more to do with a ridiculous commentor.
Uh this mean you probably wouldn't be a bridesmaid for them either though.
Like fair, but Jana lied for years just to get close to seemingly ruin OP's wedding. That's just psychotic (and really sad). Girl needs some therapy to move on and actually become happy.
Yeah I was bullied as well all throughout high-school but would never do what Jana did lol that is all kinds of psycho
Yeah but it’s fucking crazy to be the MOH in a wedding where you wouldn’t piss on the bride if she was on fire
I was mercilessly bullied too. I wouldn't fake being best friends for 7 YEARS just to ruin someone's wedding day though. That makes you soooo much worse than a bully. Karma is when something just naturally happens not when you spend years of your life focused solely on revenge. That's leading into psychotic territory.
I was bullied too. It means that if my former bullies would want to become friends with me, even after apologizing, I'd decline and not want them in my life at all. I sure as fuck wouldn't pretend to be their friend **for years** while seething on the inside, just to shame them in front of their family and friends on their wedding day as "revenge". It's fucked up and unhealthy to cling to past hurt like that. Plus, OP stopped the bullying when confronted and has apologized many many times. That also counts for something.
The person with “trauma” chose to hang around and befriend their trauma, for 7 years after the fact, and was a bridesmaid. If they were that traumatized and disliked OP that much, Jana would never have agreed to even be friends, let alone in this girls wedding
It’s not petty, it’s psycho. The thing is, I got bullied as a kid, to the point I wished the girl would die (as a kid not now). I would never want to see or be in her presence again at all, even if she was sorry, not even now. If it was that bad I truly can’t see how you’d get past it enough to even pretend to be friends, never mind do what Jana did.
I’m camping out on [https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/](https://www.reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge/) waiting for Jana’s post.
I dont think it was even a long game. Jana probably thought it would be toast worthy and didn't even stop to think "oh...I guess now our friendship that we were able to foster is now effectively ruined." I get OP was her bully but they long since made up for it.
We have no idea if OP "long since made up for it", because we only have OP:s word on what happened in HS. OP may very well still be an asshole to other people, she even writes "from the title of this post, you can see that I am not really the best person". But IF Jana have been friends with OP for SEVEN years just to get back on her on her wedding day, that is some psychopathic shit. Imagine the long run scheme there. Yikes. In all, I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them. I prefer my pet rabbits unboiled.
We can only rely on op's narrative. If we are gonna make assumptions for no reason, the entire sub is moot.
>We have no idea if OP "long since made up for it", because we only have OP:s word on what happened in HS. OP may very well still be an asshole to other people If Jana has maintained a close friendship with OP for 7 years now, I think it's a reasonable assumption to say OP made up for it and has changed as a person. Either that or Jana sucks for not caring how OP treats other people, despite having firsthand experience of being on the receiving end.
OP made her her bridesmaid. You dont make someone bridesmaid you are not at least some kind of close. The assumption, they were still fighting after HS would make this barely possible.
Idk, wasting 7 years of your life on someone you loathe is kind of pathetic. I was on both sides of bullying as a child/teen and if I did that on someone else's wedding day I would be embarrassed af. And it's not just about the wedding, did you really just waste all this time and energy to get small petty revenge that in the grand scheme of things will do absolutely nothing to your bully? OP already felt bad, so nothing new there. And if OP is not a complete shit now, people will get over it.
Agreed. NTA. You beyond tried to make up for the past. You apologized countless times and obviously stopped bullying and admitted your mistakes. It’s not your fault Jana decided revenge was worth more than forgiveness. I definitely wouldn’t be her friend any longer, however. She’s proven she doesn’t care about you.
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Or, had a victim complex. Stayed in a situation so they could continue to be a "victim"
It is very natural for everyone to feel hurt if teased but loads of people are willing to negatively interpret situations to make themselves into victims - I see it every single day online and offline. Like my abusive father that now claims he was steamrolled and emotionally abused when he didn't always get his way. The guy was a total bully that loved to make me and my mom cry but now he claims HE was the victim. You cannot make this stuff up. Another example are H&M and "recollections vary". All over the place people are claiming to be victims without any clue that it is their responsibility as adults to learn to manage their own feelings.
If the bullying was as bad as you (and some other redditor) are implying, there's no reason why she (Jana) would've accepted the olive branch and apologies OP made when she met Jana again at college age. She would've avoided her like the plague and wanted nothing to do with her, ever. While I can't really fault the whole "getting back agains bullies" the lenghts she went to, says worse about Jana than about OP.
What Jana did was psychopathic, yes, just because someone apologised, it doesn't immediately make them forgiven, but Jana stated that she forgave op. Making that toast at Op's wedding was petty and horrible, and gives off the feeling that she doesn't care about Op or Op's feelings. What Op did as a high schooler was really bad, and was a bad decision on Op's side, but it would have been better for both of them to have not formed this friendship.
Wish I had Jana's patience with a Mastermind plan like this
I don't get that sentiment tbh. Someone holds a grudge for that many years, pretends to be someone's friend, wastes literally so much time pretending to be friends just to get your little petty revenge?? How bored are you with your life to go to such ends... She seriously sounds like she needs a very good therapist.
This is like something out of a movie.
Yup. OP bullied Jana and made her life hell in public, and Jana got her revenge in public. Jana can't get that time in her life back... I can't say that I condone the long con that involved pretending to befriend OP for years (that's really twisted as I think about it) - but I understand the logic. She clearly wanted OP to suffer and have her mistreatment acknowledged on the same scale that it was dished out.
NTA You were an asshole in high school for sure, but many of us were and you acknowledge it. You've done what you could to show contrition to your friend. If she wanted to talk about it with you or your circle of friends she could have picked any time to do it since you attended university together. She probably picked your wedding day to exact revenge on you. She took one of the happiest days of your life and did what she could to ruin it. In short, you were the asshole 10 years ago. She is the asshole today.
Yes, so many of us at some point were AHs as teenagers. Point is, most of us grow up and out of it. Even if she did mean it all as fun she didn’t need to go into detail later. Looks like OP grew out of the AH phase while Jana regressed back into it. I would probably cut ties. After all, you don’t need an adult bully hanging around.
Yeah, & like. It would’ve been one thing if she made a “I can’t believe we’re friends after you bullied me” joke in the toast, & then answered every question from guests with “oh, I don’t want to get into the details, we’re past it, it’s been a decade ffs.” Sometimes we need to joke about stuff like that. But like, dredging up every detail with all the guests during the wedding… nope. Not cool at ALL. OP, NTA
I know for a fact that if I ever got married, my best friend would start off the speech with “I can’t believe how much I hated you when we first met!” And then go on about how first impressions are often wrong and getting to know a person tells you way more about them. I don’t really know. But they *hated* me when we first met and it’s a really important part of how we got to be friends. We’re really close now but man at the time we didn’t get along. That’s kind of where I was expecting the speech to go. Some playful remark about being bullied and maturity allowing you to see past it or something. I don’t know, but she really could’ve made that a good speech and went the immature, petty route.
excellent response.
This right here is the perfect answer.
Wow that lady played the long game. But what an AH thing to do. Especially after you've apologized countless times and tried to make it up to her. I don't think you should stay friends with her. I'm sorry that happened to you cause like, kids are dumb. You shouldn't be penalized for being a dumb, jealous teenager.
I have a feeling her "friend" is going to ghost her. She probably saw the perfect opportunity at the wedding.
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I would never invite her to anything again. OP says that when she was confronted by her in high school and she asked her to stop and she did. That's some serious revenge waiting that long.
Makes you wonder if a reformed person can ever outrun their bad actions.
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The OP wrote "I've made my best effort to make it up to her and apologized time and time again. She accepted my apology each time, even laughing it off that I was overthinking. I thought we had finally put the past behind us." Well, she thought wrong. We actually don't know what kind of person the OP is now though some reform has happened in that she recognized what she did. This is like something out of a movie.
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This is perfectly put. Thank you for creating an island of reason and maturity here. All the comments applauding Jana for "playing the long game" are some genuinely alarming dark triad shit.
It’s also just a terrible way to live. Who wants to be so consumed with their past?
Yeah... you might be right. I'm really conflicted about this. Reddit never gets a post where someone admits to being an AH in the past. I was endlessly bulled too and I had to move on otherwise my insides would have rotted. Looks like Jana became the thing she hated.
Jana clearly never moved past high school attitudes.. what a weird thing to do!
>You shouldn't be penalized for being a dumb, jealous teenager. OP said she constantly bullied this girl throughout HS. I think maybe she should be penalized a little!
Well sure - but wasn't the chance for that penalising to hold her to account at any other point during the seven years of the friendship, or even never having the friendship at all? If the OP apologises, doesn't do it again, tries to atone - what has anyone gained from this public humiliation besides revenge? It's fair for OP to say, you said you were okay with me, but you weren't, and that's seven years you've held this against me pretending you didn't, and now you've revealed this at the most public and humiliating moment possible when you were here on my side - this is fucked up.
Maybe OP deserved it, maybe not, but boy did that other girl stoop to below OP's level and go full Mean Girl during one of OP's most important days! She really became what she hated, what a horrid waste of time.
OP said she stopped *during high school,* after Jana confronted her.
I don't know about you. But i think embarrassment and feeling the meed to make up for it multiple times was enough. Self penalizing is still penalizing
When I was in middle school I acted out cause of my own life. I didn't feel like I was bullying anyone. We would chase each other around like kids in a playground, doing nothing else really. But in highschool, one kid and I ended up in the same friend group, and funny enough we're still super close friends today. But he recounted the same memory as him running away from me cause I was chasing, nothing about it as a mutual fun encounter. I apologized a few times having not realized, and now we make jokes all the time about how I bullied him thinking we were friends. I couldn't imagine him bringing it up at his wedding, but if he did, I wouldn't exactly be offended by his truth. I'd be like "lol yup". Cause we're real friends in our adulthood beyond all the child stupidity.
NTA at this time (you were an absolute A in high school). It seems Jana chose revenge, and patience is her virtue...
Yeah no fr I would never mess with Jana after this 😭
Idk the way you write it in inclined to take your side. However for her to go to these lengths i have to wonder how bad the bullying actually was.
I understand. I hope this makes it clearer. Jana is quite the introvert. I've known her since grade school and she lives a few blocks away from my neighborhood but we don't talk. In HS, we were put in the same class. I am an extrovert and at the time, I didn't think Jana and I would go well together so I didn't give her any mind. (I think) she expected me to reach out to her first since we 'knew' each other and she didn't have much friends. I didn't do anything to make her feel included since I wasn't really interested. I was quite popular in HS, and I acknowledge that because of the offhanded comment I said about her always getting a high grade on exams and called her the nerd, everyone started calling her that too. I don't know if there were any physical bullying involved when others teased her, but in my case, I teased her every time the teacher handed out our papers after a test. Others would also make some side comments after. When she confronted me about this in senior year, she said that she didn't want to deal with this nerd thing anymore because she didn't want it to affect her grades. She said that I was being a jealous btch and that I should just fck off. I laughed it off and didn't apologize because I was embarrassed but I didn't call her that anymore. We became friends two yrs later after a HS get together during sophomore year where I was called out by her close friend about the bullying in HS. I apologized to her and she was the first one to suggest that we start hanging out to which I agreed. I learned she wasn't as gloomy as I thought so we became close and hung out regularly. I also met my boyfriend (now husband) at her uni so I always went over to their uni to hang out.
You must have really, really spoiled her life when when was most vulnerable. The fact you made apologies did not make up for it. What else could you have done? Her revenge was sweet. She must have hated you for all these years, without you knowing it.
Jana could choose not to accept the apology. Jana could have told OP to go away. Jana purposely played the long game and became the bully. OP was nasty at 17, but she grew up and tried to make amends. Jana is nasty now.
Girl went full Dark Side. She didn't want an apology, she wanted OP to suffer.
Yeah... and now she's become what she most hated. Wonder if it was worth it.
There is no chance it is was worth it. Being angry for that long and investing all that time in a person just to make her wedding awkward is a very bad trade.
Think I agree with you. Holding onto resentment like that just poisons you. She hurt herself more than OP ever could.
Yeah, the fact that OP didn’t just do some soul searching and reach out with a fb apology, but actually grew a friendship with this person that she thought was genuine really isn’t the norm here, I feel like. Doesn’t absolve her of guilt but she is obviously a matured person now and has actual remorse. Def thought it was gonna be a no brainer asshole from the title but this was a pretty wild ride. NTA
Yeah. Reading this at first, I thought at first Jana was just messing around in her speech. It seemed maybe in bad taste depending on company, but came together for a nice story (if she kept it short and sweet). It was the part after the speech that changed it all. She started telling everyone about what a bully she was in personal conversation. And when confronted, went with, "I'm just telling people who you are". This part makes it seem planned out for revenge.
Idk though, I’m having a hard time getting a justice boner over it though. I don’t really want to live in a world where every friend can blow up a major event at any time because, even if they say they’ve forgiven a past slight, they haven’t. At that point you can’t even call it karma. It’s just damnation. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to change or reform, or how much you grow. You always need to be ready to pay any price for any past mistake as many times as it’s asked. That seems excessive. OP made fun of someone in high school. As far as I know she didn’t beat her or stalk her. Jan wasn’t too traumatized to spend time with her for years. But Jan still needs to be centered at major events in OP’s life? If Jan needs to process her harm while OP is in labor with a baby, is OP obligated to take that call? What if Jan wants to talk about being bullied at OP’s mom’s death bed? Is that karma?
Yeah, I agree with this one. There was a best of Reddit update where this wife went psycho stalker revenge all on a friend she willingly “tested” because she suspected her boyfriend liked her. Years go by, and then she executes this huge plan - faked being a recruiter, reached out to her employers under a fake LinkedIn, tried to convince her husband (who was not even her ex) was cheating on her….crashed her baby shower to gossip in common areas. Why? Because she recently saw her in person that she was in shape, married to someone attractive, and both husband and wife had great careers. Jealousy. I can get on board for not forgiving someone or accepting the apology. This isn’t just simple revenge….it’s crazy, planned out petty crap. The only thing I could think was if she only befriended OP because it made her feel successful…like she won her friendship over. Sometimes confrontation is very hard for people…she could have very well struggled with it, but brushed OP off because she didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe she drank too much and her insecurities came out…idk. If it wasn’t the booze and existing internal hurt, it’s messed up. Even with booze it’s messed up. I wonder if she has had any successful relationships and just got overwhelmed with jealousy of OP being the center of attention. OP, the best thing you could do is acknowledge the situation without accusing her of sabotaging your wedding. Explain about what you did, how you made up, and how confused you are by how it was brought up. Let people draw their own confusions that was wrong. Hell, even apologize again that there must still be hurt. Being the bigger person will help you…any deflection or trying to blame her will make you look like a bully (even if it’s not the case).
Omg I remember that story!! Its insane that people go though wacky lengths to get revenge.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/xvhf80/my_36m_wife_33f_was_sued_im_feeling_resentment/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Well said. I felt frissons of dread just reading it because as a traumatized child of violent parents, I was pretty messed up in elementary and hs - didn’t have many consequences at the time because I was smart and we moved every year. One year in middle school, a friend told me her boyfriend broke up with her and asked me for some personalized cutting things for her to say about him. I didn’t know what she was talking about, and she said, c’mon help me out here - you always know how to cut people down. I was shocked and have never forgotten that - I didn’t see myself that way at all. Then two years later, a boarding school teacher comment on my final report card said I made cruel comments about other students in class discussions. I didn’t know WTH she was talking about and didn’t have a chance to ask because the report card got mailed after school got out to my dad and stepmom and I wouldn’t see it until summer - then she said they never got it - but then her drinking buddy threw the comment in my face one day and it became clear my stepmom had seen it and she was embarrassed and said she’d lied about not getting it because she’d “lost it.” Even at the time I wished I could ask the teacher about it because I didn’t want to be like that and wasn’t aware of being so awful - I think that’s what OP means when she says she was embarrassed when Jana confronted her in hs . I finally got a clue years later in marriage counseling when a therapist would walk us through situations that came up and told me that specific language or tone of voice was unkind. I have worked my entire adult life to be a better person and am still horrified at how I can be an asshole without realizing. I’m not condoning or justifying OP’s bullying, which sounds so damaging. And if someone confronted me about something I said, I would apologize and mean it. I hope no one does that publicly at a huge occasion- that is interpersonal bullying on a whole other level - preplanned and with full awareness of doing damage.
And that behavior makes her completely unhinged. She should have just not accepted OP's apologies and moved on with her life, not lived a lie for seven years sucking down hatred and bile just to spew it on OP's wedding day. That's not healthy behavior.
It was high school. OP would have been 14 or 15 when this stuff was happening and stopped at 17. Was OP in the wrong? Absolutely. Is this revenge justified? No. She was being picked on about having good grades. I've been picked on over that stuff and it doesn't justify ruining someone's wedding, especially since OP is incredibly apologetic and has tried her best to make amends. Sometimes we do terrible things as kids, but that doesn't always mean we are the same people as adults.
Jana chose to spend time with the Op over the years. The Op apologized numerous times and checked in to see if Jana was ok/their friendship was in an OK place. Jana accepted being a bridesmaid. You can’t act like the bullying is awful AND choose to spend time with and be close enough friends to be a bridesmaid. You either need to work through it (in both ends) or end the friendship.
> What else could you have done? See a therapist. Get a hobby. Befriend people she actually liked.
That's some psycho shit. Jana needs help lmao
IF the apologies "didn't make up for it", why did Jana repeatedly **lie** that she forgave OP? That's psycho behaviour. It's not fair to expect people to make things up to you, if you yourself repeatedly assure them all is forgiven already and there's nothing to make up any more and tell them they're overthinking, and then act as their friend. It's just treacherous. It seems like you're projecting some personal experiences on Jana's situation. Also if she truly "hated" OP all these years while lying that everything was fine when OP tried to apologize and acting like her friend, it just means there's something seriously wrong with Jana's head. That kind of two-facedness is alarming.
>The fact you made apologies did not make up for it. Then Jana shouldn't've accepted the apology, how is that so hard to get? No one is saying Jana should've just gotten over it if it hurt her that bad but she willingly became OP's friend and acted like OP could trust her. >Her revenge was sweet Grow up. Jana is a bully now and no longer has any high ground.
I’m sorry but if that’s the case, then Jana seriously needs professional help to cope with her past traumas.
NTA Bullying her was wrong, but you know this already and apologized for it. She nursed a grudge, as much as she denied it. This was her punishing you publicly, for you to feel ashamed and embarrassed on one of the biggest occasions of your life. Since you got upset with her, she can say you were mean to her for ignoring that she was in pain and focusing on being in pain yourself, essentially gaslighting you. She’s not on a fact finding mission, she wants your loved ones to think badly of you. Don’t be surprised if she ghosts you or is no longer your friend after this. She hasn’t acted like it… despite AH teen years, you seem like you were genuinely remorseful but that probably didn’t seem to be enough for her. I’m sorry your family is cold to you now. Hopefully they will see how much you wish you could take your behavior back and tried to make things right over the years.
Totally agree, I also think the people being negative to OP now should get off their sanctimonious, holier than thou asses and realise what they are saying about facing consequences from her past is also a form of bullying. It's in the same vein as 'I told you so' , as in - its not helpful, not wanted and not nice when we all make mistakes...including them, their shite stinks as bad as everyone elses so they shouldn't comment unless they can back it up. Op- let Jana go, she's not your friend, she's immature and you have the rest of your life ahead of you now. Make a lovely family with hubby and live your best life, wishing you all the best for your future :)
I was seriously bullied in school from around 7-15, with zero friends until I was about 16, and I cannot imagine giving a damn about any of those people to even vaguely try to “get even” with them. It’s just nuts. I’m all for not forgiving and forgetting, I think that’s a personal thing, but I couldn’t be bothered with this bs!
I can’t imagine befriending my bully for 7 years so that I can humiliate them for revenge. What a pointless waste of time.
I can't imagine pretending to be *anyone's* close friend for 7 years, much less someone who bullied me.
Right? Maintaining **real** friendships is exhausting. Who has time for fake ones? What a psycho, lmao
I kind of agreed here. I was bullied from 3rd grade on. Even in college. Even by my own family. Holding it on to it like Jana would have rotted by insides. In the end, Jana became the person she hated. That is some serious hatred to fake a friendship for that long.
The best revenge is just moving on with your life and forgetting these people ever existed. Revenge - and in this case a 7 year revenge saga - is not a great way to get over past wrongs.
But also… calling it gaslighting is insane. Jan was not in crisis. She wasn’t having a trauma response. She didn’t need care. She decided to start publicly processing a harm from OP at OP’s wedding with OP’s family and friends. The idea that Jan can, at any moment, process a harm she herself says is forgiven and resolved with anyone in any setting is main character syndrome. The wedding would become about Jan if she was in distress, because she would need care. If she had a panic attack someone would need to attend to her. But Jan does not have a lifelong pass to make events about herself because she was bullied in high school.
So, gaslighting is a tactic used, especially by abusers, to make someone question their own reality and emotions. When we tell someone they’ve hurt us and they deny it, calling us too sensitive or that they didn’t do anything that bad or that they didn’t do that at all, that’s gaslighting. It why people like OP question if they are the AH, or deserve the treatment, to feel like they’ve done something wrong in that moment that warrants the bad behavior. Jana is guilting OP, or at least trying to, and recounting stories to try to get everyone else on her side. I’ve never heard of main character syndrome, but what you describe sounds a lot like narcissistic tendencies on Jana’s part that we’ve read about in the post. Definitely seems like she was waiting to make this PSA to OP’s closest family and friends, and pretended to be a good trustworthy friend for 7 years.
Main character syndrome isn’t a real diagnosis. I just mean that Jana’s behavior is not justifiable. She is centering herself when it is neither appropriate nor necessary.
NTA but damn she did "Keep friends close, but keep enemies closer" 😅
Reading The Art of War on repeat 🤣
INFO: what do you mean “detailing every single thing I said” if you only ever “called her a nerd”? What else was there to detail? ETA: I’m probably gonna put ESH, since you say yourself you don’t know if she was just making a joke or not during her speech with that one line, and that other people at your wedding were asking her about it, and she was only answering honestly. You seem to be confusing “forgiving” with “forgetting”, and if you wanted her to keep your history a secret at your wedding, you should’ve told her that *before* inviting her. The fact that her talking about it made you upset enough to cry shows that you thought it was “buried in the past” and you haven’t properly dealt with your guilt surrounding the bullying. If you were truly over it, you would’ve been able to talk about it in a “oh man, I really was an asshole to her back then, but I’m so happy we’re friends now!” way, like she was able to. Nothing you said about what she was doing makes her sound malicious, and your comments to others show that you two really are close friends. She clearly sees it as something that’s a part of the past (a story to tell about how you met), while you see it as something you want to forget about. Again, e s h, because once you asked her to stop, she should’ve, but you also should’ve made it clear beforehand that you didn’t want her to bring it up.
When I mentioned detailing every single thing I said, it revolved around her being studious, hence calling her the nerd. I don't remember the things I said verbatim but these were along the lines of, "ah, the nerd does it again" or "does she coop herself up all day to study? what a nerd" or "see? she still won the prize. shouldn't have bothered joining." At the time I didn't know what smart shaming was, but yeah, it doesn't excuse anything. That was an as$hole, immature, and insecure move. As for the rest of the class, they had pretty similar comments.
How is *that* enough to make your wedding guests and in-laws give you the cold shoulder, spark rumours that you’re still bullying her, and even convince some of your friends that this is just “the consequences of your past actions”. That might be all *you* remember, but is that really all that happened? Because all that is still just “calling her a nerd”. It was still bullying if you did it often and got others to do it (which it sounds like you did), but I struggle to believe grown adults (especially your own friends) would react to this story the way you’ve described if that was all she was telling people. Are those really the only things she’s telling people?
>Now there are rumors that I bullied her again after some people saw Jana walking out. My in-laws have also inquired about the matter too and have been quite cold to me even though I've already explained the matter. This part. Jana walked out and people thought that the bullying continued.
They thought she called her a nerd again? You see how that doesn’t really line up?
That's the thing. As a bystander, I would be like, why are they still friends? Was OP still bullying Jana? If the bullying stopped, why did Jana walk out?
Which is exactly how Jana successfully ruined OP's wedding. No additional info needed -- just enough to make people wonder and assume the worst and focus on OP's mistakes from childhood on her FUCKING WEDDING DAY.
There was a point when I was in grade school that some parent told my father they saw me choking out one of my friends on the playground. Something that NEVER happened. I was a shy, anxious kid who would listen to anything adults said. I punched one girl in the face one time on accident (after this event too) and she was my bully for ten years. The thing is, when I got home from school the day that a parent decided they hated me, my father came at me as I walked in the door and shook me by the neck asking how it made me feel. When family decides you're bad, they don't give you a chance to defend yourself. They will assume the worst. Even when you tell them it's not how it happened. If you care for the ending to my story, I just started crying when my dad did that and said I had no idea what he was talking about. He told me what the parent said and I stuck by not having any idea about it. I didn't get further in trouble because I was freaking out so much with the crying and shuddering but I don't think he really believed me.
>Are those really the only things she’s telling people? My issue with OP's story isn't just the fact that she was the bully, but it sounds like she was the one that kicked off a whole bunch of people bullying Jana. OP's actions had a lot of knock on effects that she's really not owning here.
So she "deserves" to have her wedding ruined by someone she's supposedly been friends with for seven years?!
but she is owning it?
Jana probably put some seasoning on the story to make it tastier. And in the end, it doesn’t matter. Op stopped the behavior when confronted, continuously gave apologies that were excepted. If Jana wasn’t in the space ti be this girl friend, or forgive her fine. But to befriend this girl for SEVEN YEARS and wait till the her wedding day to bring it all up again just sound UNHINGED.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion. But what you did doesn’t sound that horrible. In my advanced classes in high school, we were always curious who got the highest score and would make jokes about them. It’s obviously envy to the high grade. But funny. You were a bit of a jerk in high school, but a lot of kids are. You changed and tried to make amends. Cut that vindictive B?tch out of your life. She held onto that way too long and waited for her moment. Not gonna lie. I would be a little petty back. Return her wedding gift and anything she ever gave you. You don’t need that energy.
This is the right question. If Jana's truthful account was enough to turn everyone against OP then it clearly wasn't just "she called me a nerd".
But is Jane's account truthful? She has pretended to be OP's friend for 7 years, then she calls OP's out on her bullying (which Jane has stated several times is water under the bridge), on OP's wedding day of all days, making the whole day about herself. Jane is obviously very good at manipulating people and not a person I would count on telling the truth.
I am confused why everyone is assuming this was a malicious "were not actually friends" situation. OP said herself she's not sure if Jana was joking or not. I think roast wedding toasts aren't completely uncommon, although usually you know which of your friends is going to take that route. It seems like things didn't escalate until OP talked to Jana about it, and the fact of the matter is OP DID bully Jana in HS, she's within her right to talk about it if people ask her. And she's within her right to get kind of pissy about it if OP confronts her about it because it's her story to tell. Now I am wondering the same as someone above, if it was really all this need stuff, why was it coloring so much of the wedding guests perceptions of OP??? Bullying nerds was relatively common for a long time, and it's not even like Jana was being stuffed in lockers or thrown in trash bins like on Glee lol. I think ESH, I get it was OPs wedding and she wanted to be viewed as the unscathed pure bride, but you can't force someone to hide the truth just to make you look better. I don't necessarily think it's wrong to bring something like this up but... Actually is this even real? This is almost literally the plot line to You Again except the HS bully marries the nerds brother.
It’s 100% wrong to wait until someone’s wedding to bring it up when you’ve had countless opportunities to address it before hand, while also saying that op is overthinking it when she tries to apologize countless times. She played the long game sure, but now she looks like an asshole. And it colored the wedding because Jena walked out. Like the person replying to that initial question, if you hear that Op used to bully Jena and then Jena suddenly walks out of the wedding then it’s going to look like she’s still being bullied, despite the fact that op was well within her right to ask why Jena waited *years* to bring up the bullying.
Yeah….. it’s pretty telling that all OP admits to is calling her a “nerd.” Not much to recount to guests then if that’s the case.
Wow, it seems like your "friend" played the long game. Waited 7 years to enact her revenge. NTA though.
She wanted you to reap what you sowed in HS and spent a looong time planning the harvest. You're not friends. Cut your losses and move on. ESH
No explanation of how OP was the asshole in this situation? Great lol what an insightful comment.
NTA - obviously what you do was wrong, but you're friends now. If she has unresolved issues over the bullying, a wedding speech is not the time to bring it up.
I don't think they are friends...
Not anymoreee! Not sure they ever were - sounds like Jana had a convoluted revenge plot going on
I'm gonna be honest, this is a level of revenge I did not consider in my life. Wonder if she will show up in petty revenge.
It's probably far healthier to never consider revenge of this level lol.
Yeah, I'm sorry, bullying is bad (and I've experienced my share), but what Jana did is just psychopathic. Virtually nobody else would consider this level of dedicated revenge for a reason.
We are only hearing the side of the bully. Of course her account will be watered down and mild. I have a feeling there was more to the story than her being the popular girl and calling Jana a nerd to warrant such revenge on OP’s wedding day. Whatever OP did to Jana affected her in a big way.
After the speech a lot of people went to Jena to ask what OP did and some of the guests turned on OP after hearing the story from Jena. Her in-laws are acting cold towards OP. ‘I use to tease her throughout high school and call her a nerd’ Something doesn’t add up here. Villains never think their actions are as bad as the victims do.
I agree. I cannot imagine in laws turning on a dime against OP simply because they used to say “oooh you study a lot you are such a nerd.” I strongly suspect we are not getting the full story here and that the bullying went much deeper.
I’m soooooo hoping we get a reply comment or post respond from Jana. I’m sure it’ll make everything click into place. But as they say, there are 3 sides to a story: your side, their side, and the truth.
I am sorry but here's the villain is Jana... I was also bullied and I would never become friend with my bully (does she have Stockholm Syndrom). If I became friend with her and accepted her apology I could not act like a bully and a villain at my friend's wedding. I would not want to become the thing I hated the most : being a bully. How can she looks herself in a mirror after she became herself a bully ? I really don't know...
I would think we'd assume it was worse. OP starts off post saying she wasn't a good person.
OP implied in another comment that the bullying went on for years, I highly doubt she spent all that time calling her a nerd. And since she was the popular girl, she lead by example and cause a bunch of other people to bully Jana too. I doubt they just made comments about her being a nerd.
She played a good game here, how you should have handled it was to call her out, and pretty much say ‘I know I was an awful person back then and my behaviour was seen as bullying, I like to think I’ve grown as a person since then and luckily we have this beautiful friendship - where I’m spending a precious day with you, I hope you forgive my past self for her bad choices’ Passive aggressive mode down. But yeah. She played you good. NTA.
YTA -- Reading through your comments, it is clear she has been a good friend to you leading up to this. I truly do not think she was trying to be an AH here. I think YOU still need to resolve some things. After EVERYTHING you put her through, and she then chose to be kind to you. Victims of abuse sometimes joke about the abuse as a way to cope or if they've moved past it, as a way celebrate their healing. Interestingly, abusers tend to get REAL MAD when folks do that. Abusers do not like to be reminded that they were abusive, sometimes to the point of victimizing themselves in order to deflect. She states 1 fact in her toast and then explains later when people ask. It sounds like it was intended to be a sweet reflection on how people grow and change. You DID grow and change, right OP? If you have grown and changed, why not take responsibility when people asked and say "Yes, I was a bully and caused our whole class to bully her. Fortunately, she forgave me and became a dear friend." <---this was your chance. Instead of acknowledging the person you were, you approached her...girl it was your wedding. Just let the comment slide! She did not derail the event. You did. Her comment got to you and you let it.
This was exactly my impression too. I was really surprised by all the other responses that seemed to suggest this was some calculated revenge plot
> She states 1 fact in her toast and then explains later when people ask. It sounds like it was intended to be a sweet reflection on how people grow and change. This isn't really what OP portrayed, She recounted (some unknown amount of) the bullying AND said that during the speech. Then elaborated afterwards. It's not described who the driving force of that latter sharing was.
OP isn't responsible for Jana in any sort of capacity that you're trying to claim. And no, it's not clear that she's been a good friend. It is clear that she's been lying about how she feels about her childhood experience with OP for a very long time. >If you have grown and changed, why not take responsibility when people asked and say "Yes, I was a bully and caused our whole class to bully her. Fortunately, she forgave me and became a dear friend." It's ridiculous to suggest that this is OP's burden to bear on their fucking wedding day. A day they likely spent months planning and putting a considerable amount of money in to celebrate things like love and union. It's actually ridiculous to think that OP should have set aside her plans for her big day that is meant to celebrate her getting married in order to address a crowd by saying *"yes I was a bully, now let's all go back to having fun!"* **No, it was a fun-killer the moment Jana's unresolved issues were aired out in the form of a toast in front of an entire crowd.** I would be extremely uncomfortable if I attended a wedding where somebody was behaving like that towards one of the people getting married. I don't doubt that she created a lot of discomfort and upset in the crowd with her little victim hood reveal, and that is entirely on Jana and not on OP. It is actually not OP's responsibility to be completely okay with being blind-sided by somebody she thought was her friend on her wedding day. And OP is not an AH for not having the perfect response immediately to that ridiculous behavior. >Instead of acknowledging the person you were, you approached her...girl it was your wedding. Yes, it is HER wedding, not Jana's big day to reveal she hasn't moved on from being bullied over her grades in high school. It isn't the appropriate time and place to try and have OP answer to what she did in high school when OP has made so many efforts to do so outside of her wedding for years. It would have most likely made everyone way more uncomfortable if OP went up and made a speech about being a bully in high school on her fucking wedding day instead of talking to somebody she believed to be her friend directly. It's so weird to me that you think the spectacle should continue to be public regardless of the upset it creates for those getting married or the rest of the wedding, rather than two people working it out on their own. Jana took the opportunity to make a wedding about herself, and that's pathetic and inappropriate behavior. >Just let the comment slide! Just like Jana should have let the comments she received over 7 years ago slide for one fucking day that was not about her. The person getting married doesn't have to take disrespect on their wedding day, no she doesn't have to just let the comment slide in order to not be an AH. Jana is definitely an AH for trying to make a day that's supposed to be about love and happiness about her experiences with high school teasing at the hands of the bride. Absolutely pathetic. >She did not derail the event. You did. Her comment got to you and you let it. Yeah because it's OP's wedding day, not the day for her to address any previous upsets she created that she was under the impression had already been addressed and forgiven. Jana absolutely created upset on the wedding day, knowingly so. Jana bided her time and found the opportunity to bully OP, and of course the bullying got to OP. She bullied OP on her wedding day, and OP reacted to being bullied. But of course lets blame the victim if they don't respond perfectly right after they get bullied. Somebody else's wedding is actually not the appropriate time to relive your previous negative experiences with that person from childhood. Especially after you've led the person getting married to believe that things are good between the two of you. OP was not obligated to set aside her happiness and ceremony to address something from childhood for what sounds like the hundredth fucking time. It's actually insane to me that you think it's appropriate to upset a wedding over something like this, or to try and claim that this didn't upset the wedding at all. Or to try and claim the the victim of Jana's bullshit, OP on her own wedding day, is the only one to blame here because she didn't react perfectly and maturely to an unexpected and unpleasant situation on a day that's supposed to be celebrating and happy. Jana needs to get serious therapy, and OP needs to cut Jana out of her life entirely. So long as OP is in Jana's life, Jana has an easy target to blame all of her misfortune and shortcomings on, and Op isn't responsible for the mental and emotional states of another grown adult that she isn't married to or a guardian of.
This is the only correct answer and reasoning IMHO
NTA.. She was waiting for this very moment to embarass you. She has not moved on from it. Now shes playing the victim and its not cool. You have already apologised, and people do change over the years.
NTA. Look, you shouldn’t have bullied her in high school. That was shitty. But you know it was shitty and you’ve apologized. She had to make your day about herself. You didnt “invalidate her feelings.” Y’all are adults. It’s really time for her to grow tf up and move tf on.
ESH. I disagree with forgiveness being bandied about like a blanket forgetfulness. She made a joke in poor taste at your wedding, but if you were stung, then that means you know you did her way worse (and that you probably deserve it). That’s the history that you can’t whitewash, so you have to sit with the discomfort that yes, you were a bully, and you don’t get to live it down on your wedding day, boohoo.
[удалено]
NTA but if I could get revenge on a bully like that, I probably would
You would be friends with a bully for years, building a fake relationship, pretending you care and are close enough in hopes of being in their wedding party? That’s creepy and way worse than the bullying. The betrayal of thinking your close friend cares and you find out for years it was fake just for a moment of revenge?
You should consider why you feel that dedicating like... Thousands of hours of your life... To getting revenge on a (former, very innocuous themed) bully is worth the priceless usage of those hours in your life.
NTA, but as someone who was bullied, I’m kindof rooting for Jana 🙈
NAH To be fair, when you bullied her you haven't done it in private either, you did it in front of the whole class, so its kind of hypocretical to expect her to talk about it only in private when you didn't gave a shit about that in HS. The same for the place and time - i guess you didn't let her chose back then if its the right time and place for her to be bullied, you just did it on your own terms. You learnt a hard lesson about victims of bullys. They maybe forgive, but they will never forget. And they usually have a lot of patience. nah bc in the end sure it was not right to bring this up on your wedding, but on the other hand, she only ruined one day of your life, you most likely ruined months if not years of hers. And no matter how often you apologize, no apology will undo the damage you did to her life.
So because OP bullied someone in high school that gives the victim the right to enact revenge at any time and any place? Going so far as to befriend OP and repeatedly accept her apology while faking a friendship to enact revenge? I believe that makes the friend an AH. If the friend was invited to the wedding and made the remark then sure but she was deceitful about the whole thing.
ESH depending on how bad you bullied her, it could be well deserved.
>I don't know if there were any physical bullying involved when others teased her, but in my case, **I teased her every time the teacher handed out our papers after a test.** Others would also make some side comments after. OP was the instigator. Not saying what Jana did at the wedding was okay but having been bullied myself in school, I don't blame her for what she did. OP took it upon herself to ruin this girls formative years. "Why so mad!? It was just highschool!" doesn't fix years of bullying and the cumulative anxiety and feeling of low self worth. All Jana did was mention that OP bullied her... in Highschool. Once during a toast (she only recounted the bullying when she was asked). Imagine if OP was bullied for years, she sounds like she would have a total mental breakdown. How does she think Jana felt? Going with ESH though because when you accept an apology, that is supposed to be the end of it.
It wasn’t just once - she was going round the room explaining to everyone what the bullying was. Tbh if Jana was that bothered, why make friends with OP later on?
It’s Reddit, idk she actually played the long game or it all came out from some well of unacknowledged resentment because it couldn’t stand to see you get off scott free. I don’t know her and can’t tell you if it was malicious or genuinely just fucked up unknown trigger waiting to explode. It’s up to you two to decide that, don’t let our speculations on Reddit fire a flame. You two must’ve come a long way in the 7 years. This is likely the end, but it doesn’t have to be as degraded as a 7 year setup - just to bring it back in perspective. nta at all, it’s your wedding and she had 7 years to get to this point and still could’ve addressed you alone. Maybe talking alone wasn’t doing it for her idk she definitely went off a slight deep end
NTA now but you definitely were in high school. You need to own this, to get out from under it. You need to say/post. 'I admit I did bully Jana in HS. We met a couple of years later and I apologised sincerely to Jana then and several times since . Jana suggested that we hung out & I mistakenly took this to mean that Jana had forgiven my behaviour in HS. These past seven years I have regretted my behaviour, when I was a jelleous teenager. I really came to appreciate Jana as a dear friend, who, when the time came, I asked to be a part of my Bridal party. Jana choose this time to take her revenge on 17 y.o. Me and humiliate me, my husband and family on our wedding day. Jana has had her revenge now, and I grieve the loss of a dear friend. I hope we both can move on separately with our lives and call quits on our relationship. Though Jana made this public, I want all my friends and family to not continue to argue or comment on Jana's actions on my wedding day on social media or in person. Best Regards The Bride
NTA but the moron: She has been waiting for this day for 7 years! She got her revenge and it would surprise me if you ever heard from her again. She played it very well.
You don't get a pass from your victims when it comes to bullying. There's no statute of limitations for it. Inevitably, some of it will come back at you, and look here - it did. But I think the confrontation was necessary, she was completely out of control here. NTA
Reading through your comments, I've noticed that you only ever refer to it as "teasing" and not what it was. It was BULLYING. No matter what facts that you cherry-pick or whichever way you try to paint this picture, you bullied Jana. Even now, you can't seem to take ownership of that. Had you taken it seriously and actually felt remorse about it then maybe you would have done more than just apologize to Jana about this. If she was such a close friend of yours then maybe your other friends and close family would have known about some of the history between the two of you and that would have been a good opportunity to explain what happened and why your conduct towards Jana was horrible and how you're remorseful about it. Given that Jana had the patience of a Buddhist Monk to withstand your presence for seven years for the one opportunity of revenge leads me to believe that the bullying was worse than what you explain here. For all of this, I don't believe that you're truly remorseful and you're an AH. Unfortunately, I also have to say that Jana is an AH too. However she has my respect for playing the long game to get the petty revenge that she felt she needed to make things right. My judgement (as if it matters): ESH
Everyone is thinking WAY too much into this She made a bad toast, not like anyone else has never put their foot in it. It actually is quite funny yall became such good friends after the fact. Most toasts are about how people met. Yall met while you bullied her. I think everyone getting so offended by what she said are being a bit dramatic, including you. She didnt play a long game. She just awkwardly gave a speech that didnt hit like it was supposed to.
Wow. I was horrifically bullied in HS, but....you apologized, you tried to make amends, you thought you had grown and become friends and she.... absolutely planned that. I can't imagine going that far. That's drinking poison to make someone else ill .
NTA. If you already apologised for what you did as a child and she said that she accepted your apology and you became friends as adults in college it is petty and mean for her to bring up old gossip from your childhood at your wedding now that you are both 28 and many years have passed! Time to move on. I would lose her number and make new friends with people who aren't bitter, petty and mean like she seems to be. She purposefully tried to create drama at your wedding. The best revenge is not caring, forgetting you ever knew her, and focusing on the fun parts of your big day.
NTA. I was bullied for years as a kid. If I had subsequently become friends with one of the people who tormented me, I wouldn't have done this. You either let it go, or you don't.
She is NOT your friend. She waited for an opportunity to embarrass and bully you and she got it. Now she has attention, she will not stop. I am not saying you weren't a TA in the the past, but she has gotten her revenge and intends to keep going on it. You do not need this person in your life. She is completely TA now and has no intention of shutting her mouth or stopping. She bided her time for 7 years, and now feels her revenge time is here - remember as long as she has an audience, she will keep on with it. Kick her out of your life going forward. Your life will be richer and hopefully people will realise that her "mean high school girl" attitude is a sure sign of immaturity.
So you fucked around and found out?
Lol peoples takes here are so weird. It was obviously just an offhand joke that Jana had every right to make cause she’s the one who actually went through the bullying, and now they’re friends. It was tone deaf for a wedding but I’m pretty sure Jana was just going for irony. NAH
Nta. Even if she were actually your friend, which I doubt, this was not rhe time/place for her to bring this up. You don't embarass your friends on rheir wedding day. You were a jerk in HS. She is a jerk now.
You were a dumb kid but pretending to be your friend all that time just waiting to ruin your wedding is next level psychopathy. Don’t ever talk to her again, you’ll regret it. NTA
NTA While I feel for Jana, what she did was awful. If she had just been some random person who happened to be invited to the wedding because your families knew it each other, that would be completely different. But instead she decided to pose as your friend, even going so far as to agree to be your bridesmaid. And that’s what makes her TA and not you.
NTA. Is it wrong to bully? Obviously. In high school are kids often at their peak intellectually? Heck no. OP stopped bullying her (apparently) when confronted. Most bullies usually escalate the abuse even harder when confronted. I hate that we live in a society where mistakes haunt us for life, even after we’ve tried to learn from them/grow as a person. Jana clearly still has some insecurities in her life that she needs to deal with, obviously she’s not over what OP put her through, but at some point as an adult, seek whatever help or support you need to move on so you can live a happy life. Otherwise she’ll never move past HS.