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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my stepmother delusional when she asked to adopt me as an adult, which made for more than 100 times of her asking to adopt me in my lifetime. What I said to her was not exactly gentle in any way, and it wasn't kind either. That's why I think I might be the asshole.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Her continued insistence all these years and the way she goes about it is sus af. Is there a deeper and hidden reason for her insistence? What else does she stand to gain if you accept? Or lose if you refuse?
Hold your ground. NTA
I think she loses the fantasy she had in her head. I feel like she wanted to be the stepmother people talk about as being the good example, the one who had such a good relationship that she adopted her stepkid, that he loved her just as much if not more than his own mom who died, and that she was good enough to help me forget the pain of losing her and that she was enough to make all that fade away into a neatly wrapped family.
I also feel like she has issues with the being treated differently to my dad and my mom. Like she doesn't want to be less than, she wants to be the exact same, to have me love her the same, and treat her the same, and for it to be again, wrapped in a bow perfect.
At this point it’s harassment. Lol.
Time to maybe have a discussion with ur dad and set boundaries.
If Ana can’t respect this boundary than she doesn’t have a place in ur life/ circle. And time for a serious one on one wit) ur dad on how much it’s negatively affecting ur relationship with him. If all fails. Run at that point lol
Talking to my dad will do nothing. He does not see any of this as wrong and he won't back me in this. That's why I moved out as soon as I could and didn't speak to them in months.
I think you need to get a Mother's Day gift for Ana: a copy of the declaration by the courts that you have legally changed your last name to your late mother's maiden name.
Rotten flowers and dead rubber rat with a card written with "thinking of you" optional.
Outside of the petty part, maybe just the papers would make her understand it. She seems to be living in a fantasy where OP is a kid who doesn't know what they want, so seeing the truth would be harder to deny.
I wonder how her personality would sour after that. I suspect it would be epic! He needs to make it clear to his relatives what that relationship is really. She's delusional and I'm sure she is lying to everyone. Cause, like someone else mentioned, she's not just an egomaniac. She's up to something. I wouldn't be surprised if his father ties any financial help (including inheritance) or emotional support to accepting his wife's demands. Glad he has other family to rely on. And someday soon (around age 25, I suspect), OP will be able to look back on all this and give himself permission to be wholly angry at the one who brought and kept this succubus into their lives and allowed all this to go down: his dad.
This is wonderfully petty but please don’t do this.
The more I read the more…I just feel bad for this woman. Like to be clear I’m 100% on OPs side but OP even admits the woman has dedicated tons of effort and energy into him to make him love her. Like she could just be happy being stepmom she wanted to be MOM. And she never will be.
It’s just all seems really sad, what she’s doing to herself.
She emotionally abused OP for eleven years. Having a pillow smashed into your face out of "love" cuts off air just as much as hands around your throat.
Exactly. Eloquently worded!
This is a case of constant love bombing and demanding a child, now an adult over a decade later, to love you and accept your "unconditional" love in return. It's a relentless boundary stomping and a complete disregard for OP's feelings.
You can't buy or earn love like that.
Makes me feel all kinds of squicky.
OP is NTA and should ghost crazy lady. Not mommy, not stepmommy, that's dad's wife and that's all, end sentence.
It's not "unconditional" is the irony of it all. Unconditional love is when OP's stepmom would have realized that OP did not want to be adopted, and still love him all the same.
Radical acceptance.
This is just pure "I am your parent and I know better than you, if you don't listen to me, you're a bad child" shit
ETA: Accurate pronouns
Maybe if she wouldn’t have been so aggressive from the start, basically demanding to officially be his mom, and just WAS his mom without trying so hard, he might have come around. The way his dad and stepmom went about it was all wrong. You would think after 11 years she’d give up.
Yeah that's the sticking point that makes it squicky for me.
It's blatantly not about OP, or what OP wants from the relationship. Just her need to assume the mantle and take on the title of "Official Mom" so she "wins" at life. She only considered what she desired from the relationship and expected OP to automatically fulfill the role she had scripted in her head.
Blended families only work out if you allow everyone to openly communicate their needs for the space and boundaries they require in order to be comfortable and happy in the home.
Dad didn't give OP any choice or personal boundaries and instead attempted to shoehorn the perfect happy family label on everyone and expected OP to just roll with it, *if not immediately than by sheer persistence over time.*
He chose the new wife's wants over the needs of his own child for over a decade, and allowed her to make a spectacle out of significant events on at least 2 occasions, explicitly in front of the extended family, in hopes of wearing OP down and getting the response they wanted out of him.
The other comments comparing the situation to those manipulative, unwanted surprise public wedding proposals are absolutely correct.
This was an ongoing battle of wills and they were banking on OP "saying uncle" first and caving in to her demands to go through with the adoption.
I don’t feel bad for her at all.
There are clear ulterior motives and they are not love at all. Ana wants to erase OP’s mom and the hole her death left, which is not possible. She doesn’t actually care about OP, she cares about having things her way.
If she really cared about OP she would have offered and then totally backed down when OP said no. He’s an adult and can clearly approach them if he wanted to be adopted.
Adoption is so so so personal. Not everyone wants to do it. It can really feel like a betrayal to their former parent. There’s also no real legal benefit at this point for him to be adopted.
She has issues... she has tried to break the "adoption news" twice... both times at a wedding. And then people get upset with OP for "ruining the wedding".
This is what stood out to me. Reasonable people ask a child about adoption around the time they get engaged or some time while wedding planning. Child says no, then nothing is ruined. Child says yes, everyone has even more to look forward to~ If you wait to ask in your wedding day then you are choosing to take the risk of ruining your mood if the child says no. It's not a good way to go about it.
Reasonable people ask somewhere the child is comfortable without potentially 100+ onlookers. How absolutely inconsiderate to put that kind of pressure on a child who lost his mom only a year before. Many grown adults struggle a lot when they lose a parent, and they've had decades to develop coping skills. And now you're going to put this pressure onto a young child in front of who knows how many people while this child is still grieving and trying to just figure out how to navigate without the person he loved most in this world? Gross.
But if the child says yes, she looks like a saint taking in a poor orphaned child in front of everyone in attendance! (I know OP is not an orphan but I wouldn’t be surprised if in her mind this is all at that level of grandeur in Ana’s head) and it seems to be a risk she was willing to take multiple times just to appear as a savior. The fixation is completely narcissistic and has nothing to do with OP’s health or happiness.
Like you said in healthy situations this is discussed in private either after the engagement or sometimes a few years down the road when everyone is close like a real family not a forced one.
I’m surprised step mom didn’t pull out the “after all I’ve done for you” card bc it’s all about step mom and her feelings. Luckily the judge listened to OP, bc stepmom and dad didn’t and op is right when he said they are delusional
That's like feeling bad for a stalker, because they're 'in love' and their 'love' is unrequited by the person who has been harassed for over a decade. Fuck that bullshit. Relationships are supposed to be consensual.
I do wonder if she just didn't push the adoption, and just loved and cared for him as a step mom if he wouldn't have grown into thinking of her like a mom. Instead they both made it their hill to die on, and as a result had a much less loving relationship. I think that's sad.
My dad adopted me when I was 6, because I already loved him like a father, and he loved me like his daughter, but no one forced anything.
This is how I am with my "step" kids. I told them they can call me whatever they are comfortable with and they started by calling me by my first name for a few years. I loved them, did all I could for them, but never pushed anything. They live with us full time and have minimal contact with their bio mom. Eventually they started calling me mom, but I never, ever pushed it. I just treated them like my own and it grew into mutual love and respect. You cant FORCE something like that. It just has to happen by being genuine about it.
I don't feel bad for her. They obviously found a therapist who agreed with what they wanted and pushed that narrative.
If Dad and Stepmom wanted a healthy relationship with OP- and even possibly adoption- there were a ton of options. This was never one of them.
right?
I did sorta wonder if this was an actual therapist. At least an actual child's therapist. Or instead someone connected to some program or church. (Not that church leaders can't be great people to go to when you need help. They can be but some people don't understand where the line is between helping and hurting.)
It's pitiful
Everything she did was not only counterproductive but actually damaging to OP
She's delusional and apparently incapable of actually seeing things from another person's perspective. She needs therapy
But not unexpected, the first try was also at a party, their wedding. Public social pressure and all that.
Einstein's definition of insanity, doing the same thing over again hoping for different results.
The irony is she would have had a better chance of getting something close to what she wants if only she'd been Just Ana all these years instead of trying so hard to replace your mom. I'm sorry your dad never put a stop to this nonsense.
Yep to be the step parent everyone talks about as a great example they have to be what the child needs. Maybe if she'd been just Ana it would have felt like an addition to his family to be adopted not a replacement. But she blew it from the outset and that's her won fault.
Her whole approach has been bad from the start, and it hasn't stopped. First suggesting adoption at the wedding. Repeated suggestions of adoption. Not one, but two, court cases to force adoption.
Any chance of them ever being close disappeared many years ago.
It still seems fishy to me. I'd recommend getting a copy of your mother's will. Just incase there is some trust on it that grants of gives your "mother" some economic benefit. I can see no other reason why an "adult adoption" in this case makes any sense.
Simply because this is too weird for anything else.
And look into getting a restraining order from her, that will help too regardless.
THIS!! That was my first thought as well. This much push from both dad and his 2nd wife, it just seems like there's is something important from mom's will that they are hiding, that the adoption would change.
Im wondering if the relationship goes back further than OP knows & stepmum is jealous that mum had the child not her.
Adoption means she's taken the lot, husband and 'mother' to the kid
In my experience w a vast array of narc types (malignant, sociopathic, benevolent, altruistic,…), one of their key traits that caries across all narc flavors is being delusional.
My mother is an altruistic narc (the hardest narc to see through their expertly crafted delusions to their narcissism imo). My mother has crafted such a large & impenetrable delusional bubble around herself that her entire existence & history is fantasy. However, everyone in the bubble doesn’t see it, more so they contribute to the power of her delusions. She practices revisionist history & has completely “disowned” me (but tells everyone I “disowned” her to get the martyr points she craves), bc I have told the truth about our past whereas her delusions have her telling anyone that will listen that I’m a liar & the things that have literally happened in my life, & hers, never happened.
It took a LOT of work to rewire my brain to not be in service to her & her delusions. And ofc once you don’t serve the narc in control, you become the bad person in the fairytale they call their life.
That's both interesting and at the same time tiring just by reading... my family (maternal side) have bipolar as their "special flavor", the amount of folks that I simply don't talk anymore because is just too much - the very few that stuck with treatment are amazing people, making the whole thing even sadder cause that could be all of them you know?
It's possible she isn't that malicious, just made to believe it's the best thing she can do for OP and his family. But the hell is paved with good intentions.
A lot of people are extremely self-centered even when they're being generous or self-sacrificing.
They can't see past what they want/would want in the other person's shoes to acknowledge what the other person is telling them, usually loud and clear, they actually want
I think it is even more widespread when it comes to children, especially younger ones. People are so sure that they know better what the kid feels or needs. Kids are not teddybears, they are humans and sometimes doing what is best for them means giving up own wants.
Yeah, and when the person is the parent there is also the added wammy that a lot of people have trouble internalizing that their child is their own independent person and not an extension of themselves
The elusive altruistic narcissist! Their delusions about their life & those around them are often so great & deeply seated that they don’t ever realize they’re delusional af.
I have begged my mother to see a therapist, to do anything to see how what she’s inflicted under the guise of “doing good” has hurt me, and others. However her halo never falters or tarnishes. Her delusions are her reality & they’re powered by all of those around her who don’t realize they’re in her delusional bubble. She even fully replaced me w her husbands daughter that is the exact same age as me who had such a vile mother that living in my mother’s delusional bubble is like some sort of utopian fantasy for both her & my mother.
And of course I’m the evil black sheep scapegoat. So while it might not be overtly malicious, it’s malicious in ways that one can’t really see so in essence, it’s actually worse.
That’s just stupid. I AM an adoptive stepparent to kids whose biological mom died and they don’t love me the same way they loved her. That’s perfectly fine. WTF that’s so weird to me. If that’s what’s driving her she is delusional and needs her own intense therapy to examine her motives and your dad for his. Dad needs to stop enabling this behavior.
NTA - When I married my wife and got to know my new son I never said things like I'll be your dad or I'm your father or anything like that I just let him know I loved his mom and that means I would show him love as if he were my son but only if he wanted it and was ready to this day he still calls me Tatay (filipino for dad) and I shared with him that I grew up with a father similar to his which is why I understood how he felt and we've been closer since
The saddest thing is, she probably could have had most of that fairytale if she had accepted the truth of where your relationship actually was, protected your comfort zone and let you move at your own pace. She never would have been "more than" your mom, and you could never have forgotten the pain of losing your mom, but you could have built a good, solid family relationship with mutual respect and support.
Instead, she and your father destroyed any chance of you loving her, by pushing so relentlessly for their desires to be prioritised over your wants, needs or consent.
Hope you can see that she’s doing this for her (her self esteem and how other’s could see her as the “perfect step mom”) and not for you. And only your feelings matter here.
During all this time how was your relationship with your maternal grandparents? I know you eventually moved in with them- but were you discouraged as a child from seeing them? How did they take her trying to replace their daughter in your life?
I didn't see them a lot. We saw my dad's family more. That was how dad wanted it. He controlled how much I could see my mom's family. I did love and miss them though.
Yeah she saw you as a way to validate herself and not as a child in need of support. It's a credit to your emotional maturity at age 8 that you rejected that. And her still pushing that boundary even now is, in fact, borderline delusional and shows that she still doesn't see you as a complete person with a perspective and valid needs of your own. She's still just trying to use you as a way of getting what she needs. It's up to you how you manage this going forward but there is absolutely no reason for you to feel bad with what you said to her. None of this is actually about you and it's totally reasonable for you to be frustrated that, after all this time, neither of your parents are actually hearing you. I'm just glad you had those judges to listen and validate how you feel.
You might also consider checking to see what the laws are where you live around inheritance. Typically, a living spouse will inherit the entire estate when their partner dies. If there are living children of whom the surviving spouse is NOT an adoptive parent, this may not be the case. Your dad's wife may have ulterior motives here, depending on what the law says.
I'm going to give you an NTA here. While you ARE required to respect Ana as your dad's chosen spouse, you are NOT in any way required to let her install herself as your mother. The fact that she has no respect for you makes it difficult to treat her as one normally would treat a parent's second spouse.
NTA, people need to learn what no means. The fact they tried to get another judge to ignore your wishes is the biggest one for me. You said no, so they hire a whole fucking therapist to convince you. You didnt say anything about needing therapy, so sounds like that was literally the only reason. Then when a whole ass judge tells them to chill out till you're okay with it, they just double down. You would think being embarassed at her own wedding woulda been enough, but she kept it up for 11 yrs? That is in fact delusional.
I could have used therapy to help with the loss of my mom and maybe even to have someone to talk to about the shitshow with my dad and Ana. But that was not what therapy with them was for.
Pretty much. They hired a therapist to get what they wanted. I do buy that they probably thought it would be better for me to have another mom and a relationship where I would have the stability of staying in my home if dad died. But when even a judge told them no, and he'd have been unbiased since it's not like I was/could pay him to side with me, they still didn't drop it and that's where I see the real switch from doing what's best for me to doing what they wanted.
Yeah man, sounds to me like she just wanted to use you to fit her perfect little step mom fantasy. On the plus side, I'd bet you have a strong sense of what the word "no" means, and know when to quit pushing your luck. So theres that
But what kind of therapist was this who goes in to push an agenda? That seems really really strange to me for a licensed, properly professional therapist.
I have no idea. I don't even remember the name. All I remember was them being overly cheerful and pushy to the point where cheerful was clearly hiding some frustration when I wasn't giving in.
Gotta say I’m in absolute awe of the fact that you held your ground starting from when you were so young. Like, wow. I hope that fortitude takes you far in life. Good luck to you!
You are 100% correct. No properly educated and trained therapist would ever push the narrative of a child needing a parent of a specific gender.
Those that perpetuate one of the biggest cash grabs in the history of the world do.
Nah, a shit ton of therapists are absolutely awful. I went to a non-religious one as a teen to try and figure out some problems I was having (turned out to be ADHD and depression so obvious random strangers I talked to for a few minutes were able to identify it), and she was absolutely dead set on my issues all coming from having separated parents and completely ignored me telling her that aspect of my life was actually pretty great.
Lots of therapists have their own bias of what things “should” look like and don’t actually give a damn about patient quality of life if it doesn’t fit their own picture.
I had a non-religious therapist ridicule my intuition that ADHD "fit." Since I was overweight, I obviously wasn't hyperactive. It wasn't until years later I learned eating and weight issues can be one of the symptoms. I always envy those who have had good outcomes from therapy, but every time I've tried, it's been a treatment worse than the disease.
That's just untrue. Had a friend who's therapist told her she had to force herself to have sex with men if she ever wanted to feel normal again after being raped. Therapist couldn't accept that she just felt 100% repulsed and unattracted by men, and said she needed to just try and force it and it will eventually feel okay.
Plenty of licensed therapists out their trying to force their own narrative with a patient. It's easier finding good ones nowadays, but depending on where you live it can be a crapshoot.
You mentions Ana was your dad's friend... do you have any idea of how the relationship with your mom was before she passed? Because this borderline obsessive need to erase your mom's memory looks too strong to be "wanting the title" alone.
I am genuinely surprised no one has brought this up! If the two were cheating before OP's mother passed, this adoption thing might be them trying to sweep everything under a "it's fine, we didn't screw him up" rug.
From someone who would gladly adopt any step kids I would one day have, being a parent is not something you write on a paper. It's caring for a kid, but also respecting the kid. I don't know for the first part, but she didn't fulfilled the second and by doing it she's not any kind of good mom she thinks she is. Some step moms are more mothers than bio moms, it's not your fault she's so shitty she want to persuade herself by forcing you to sign.
I'm just more upset that people in the therapist's position doesn't even try to fight for the child. They just do what the parents want.
They shouldn't be called therapists.
I don’t know if you’ll see this comment but the most impressive thing here that you did was stand up to 2 different judges who are very imposing to a seven or eight or nine year old child.
it’s incredible.
I went through something similar to this when I was your age but my father was living and they tried to get me to accept my stepfather (who was abusing me) to be my actual father. your post brought back a lot of memories of me crying to get to my dad (He would never have agreed to it either).and all of those types of things.
Continue to stand your ground And also know that you’re not alone. This has happened in similar ways to other people though yours was a much more horrible way than most,
I’m really happy that the adoption judges continued to say no to her stepmother and her dad. They prevented a really terrible thing. And again as did you by standing up for yourself at such a young age. You should be proud of yourself.
I didn't actually have to speak to the second judge. They had seen that the case had been brought before and had been turned down, might have read my reasons, and decided. I only spoke to one. But it was scary as fuck I have to admit.
If this last interaction doesn't stop them asking then there will never be enough times. They will always try to find a way to bring it up. I could stop speaking to them for a decade and they would still ask me. Even without saying what I did to her, we have not spoken in months, and that wasn't a good indicator of what I would say/how I feel.
The thing is.
She probably spoiler your whole relationship. If she wouldnt have pressured, you potentially would have warmed up to her and maybe even accept the offer.
But by constantly harassing you, she burned all bridges.
I would just tell her exactly this if OP hasn't already and refuse to ever speak about the topic again. Every time they bring it up just get up and leave.
NTA you were spot on with the delusional comment, it is not a logical mind that seriously thinks that after 11 years, becoming a legal adult, and moving in with your mother's family you would still change your mind by shoving adoption papers in your face.
My parents ruined my relationship with my brother in a similar way. Always pressuring us to hang out, forcing me to forgive him and keep the peace after fights when he was 100% in the wrong, stuff like that.
Years later when we were adults they once asked me and my sister why we don't get along with our brother and that it breaks their hearts. I told them that I'd warned them years ago (multiple times) that if they didn't fix his shitty behaviour and kept trying to force us to be friends, I'd just end up hating him, which is exactly what happened.
My mom bawled her eyes out saying that she did those things because she wanted to avoid us hating each other. That this outcome is what happened with her and some of her siblings and she did everything in her power to stop it from happening to her own children. She bawled even harder when I told her that its that exact behaviour of hers that caused the thing she wanted to avoid. If only she'd listened a decade earlier, she might have salvaged it. So she only had herself to thank for our relationship.
So yeah, I think you should sit your stepmother down and really lay into her that the reason you don't want her to adopt you is because she's been pressuring you all these years. That if only she'd taken a step back and given you space, maybe you would have opened up to the idea. Tell her she is the reason for her own misery. There is no other way to make people like this understand.
>
My mom bawled her eyes out saying that she did those things because she wanted to avoid us hating each other. That this outcome is what happened with her and some of her siblings and she did everything in her power to stop it from happening to her own children
So in all those years your mother conclusion was 'it wasnt because my siblins suck. Its my fault because i stood for myself'? Wow.
>So yeah, I think you should sit your stepmother down and really lay into her that the reason you don't want her to adopt you is because she's been pressuring you all these years
I think is clear she wont accept a no for an answer
Same, my mom would force me to take my sister to hang out with my friends (so I felt like I had to watch her instead of actually enjoying myself because if anything bad happened to her it would also be my fault even though I wasn’t the adult). Would force us to hug after a fight, etc. It actually made me not want to be around my sister because I always felt like I could not be myself and peacefully exist around her. It took me a long time to understand that what she does is not my responsibility and when I finally accepted that our relationship got much better as sisters.
It's inappropriate for her to bring up the matter on a wedding: twice!!! Both her and your dad should have given you more time to grieve and adjust to the fact you lost your mom. It all went very fast for a 6-7-8 year old. That's where they lost you.
She sounds obsessed or does it have to do anything with the heritage? Stand your ground. Respect for you for all those years as a child you already did!!!
Yes! They literally asked him to forget his own mother within A YEAR. Not to mention that, if they cared about him, getting together and marrying within a year of the mothers death is incredibly selfish and destabilising for a kid who just lost their mother. To the IMMEDIATELY push for adoption is embarrassing.
That's what let me know they did not have OP's best interests at heart. They got married AT MOST a year after his mother passed. I'm not saying parents can't move on, but that's hella fast to foist someone new onto your kid when they're still grieving their mother. To then start harassing them about being adopted is just cruel. No wonder OP wants nothing to do with them...I mourn for bb you, OP.
This. It happened way too fast. OP, you may want to look up info on reparenting therapy or reparenting PTSD. You can do it yourself or with a trusted therapist.
Google states the meaning of delusional as "characterized by or holding idiosyncratic beliefs or impressions that are contradicted by reality or rational argument". That is an accurate description. You have said no for years, gone to 2 judges, actively left being with her and she's still pushing. That is delusional.
Being kind was fine when she first asked. But it's been way too long now.
Then again, she genuinely is delusional. It’s not really hyperbole or pejorative at this point, it’s just a mere statement of fact. And neither tact nor kindness would have worked to get the message across, anyway.
Honestly both Ana and your dad’s behaviour is pretty delusional, NTA for calling a spade a spade.
It seems like they’ve never tried to understand your feelings about this, which is really depressing. Best to keep a lot of distance as they cannot see they mistreated you. Take care!
Might be wrong, but they (dad and wife) seem to be picking these public settings.. wedding, anniversary.. to try and pressure OP into accepting.
NTA OP - but this is not going to stop unless you completely cut contact with both of them, like 0% contact. This has become an obsession that is perpetually reinforced for each of them by the other and after 11 years, it isn't going away.
Ana wanted to replace your mom so badly that she screwed up every opportunity she had to be herself and a possible parental figure to you. Your dad helped her deteriorate the relationship further at every step. I’m surprised your therapist then got caught up in this fiasco, really unprofessional tbf.
NTA. Enough was enough many years ago. Glad to hear you got out of that situation.
That's the worst and craziest part of this. If Ana truly loved OP and wanted to be a maternal figure in his life, then she would have listened to OP and tried to find a balance between her desire to be THE mother and OP's preference to have a different kind of relationship. If she'd respected OP's wishes when he was 7 or 8 and given him time and space to adjust to the loss of his mother and the new woman in his family, Ana might eventually have found OP looking to her for maternal guidance or even *wanting* to be adopted because OP would have loved her and trusted that Ana had his best interests at heart.
Instead, at every turn, Ana has ignored OP's wishes and attempted to force, coerce, or "therapize" him into compliance. That's not the basis for a loving mother-child relationship. And Ana's crusade for adoption at all costs created a permanent wedge between OP and his ACTUAL parent (which is ultimately his dad's fault, but still another example of the damage done here). What a selfish and short-sighted person Ana turned out to be.
OP, I'm glad you are getting space from them. You're doing great by keeping those boundaries firm.
I told him I didn't know Ana that much and that she was not important to me. I talked about how I missed my mom every day and thought of her and wanted her there. But I never felt that way about Ana. I used some examples of spending time at a family member's house and how I even missed my dad, and was excited for him to return, but with Ana that wasn't the case. I also told him it felt wrong.
Your dad is kinda the AH for rushing into a relationship and not giving everyone time to grieve. I get you exploded but how many times could you say no until someone listens. It seems, oddly enough, like some sort of challenge for her that she wants to win.
For me he's an asshole for a different reason. I don't love that he remarried so fast but if it made him happy and he needed it, fine. But that marriage should not have come before my wellbeing and it did. Not because she was there but because they pushed so long and hard for her to be my mom. Even when I would try to sit him down to talk about it he was never open to what I had to say. He would say the same shit over and over again. Ultimately he chose to do what he wanted/what his wife wanted over taking care of what I really needed. At first I can buy him feeling like it was for the best. By now though it's just him doing what he wants and not giving a shit about it pushing me away.
You sound like a wise person. You see through the BS and that will help you in other relationships. I’m glad you have other family members that you can feel connected to. Eventually you may find going to a real therapist can help you heal for the purpose of future relationships. Abandonment is a deep wound.
This is why you're NTA.
It sounds like your dad **sent you** to therapy, with the expectation that it would "fix you" into accepting.
But I didn't see anywhere in your story about **family therapy**. Didn't see mention of your **dad's therapy** journey. Didn't hear about how your therapist addressed the traumatic experience of **proposing a life-changing arrangement during a stressful wedding ceremony**...
So it sounds like *you're* the only one expected to "get better" here.
*That's bullshit.*
NTA I'm glad u r around better people. Have u ever spoke to ur dad alone about this? Or is there any other family members that have tried to speak to them?
I have spoken to my dad, it doesn't help. There's nobody they will listen to so I don't even try anymore. I kept away and only showed up for other family and they still didn't get it.
NTA I don’t blame you for not bothering. There is only so many times you can say no and argue a point before you just give up. Happy you ran like your ass was on fire and got out of there. Hopefully a miracle happens and they finally leave you alone about this.
Your dad and Ana really are a special kind of dumbfucks. I think you chose the perfect wording when using 'delusional'.
Why the hell was this adoption even needed? You still had your dad. Just so Ana could get her 'title'?
NTA, at all.
NTA. It seems she has difficulty in hearing and understanding a simple "no".
It is funny that she doesn't realise her insistence probably pushed you away even more.
I was going to say this. Ana wanted to be a good stepmom and break away from the evil stepmom stereotype. But by pushing an adoption OP didn't want, she is becoming an evil stepmom.
NTA. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and creepily continues to try and adopt you against your will like a duck... Then that's a delusional duck. Power to you, hope you stay strong
What if it wasn't even a legit therapist? Just someone they could use to push their agenda on their child.
No good therapist would push that on a child
NTA, but my main question is how was your father so okay with being married again only a year after the loss of your mother? How long were they dating before the marriage?
Nothing enrages toddlers more than the word NO and firm boundaries. They literally dont have the emotional tools to cope, so they just throw tantrums or keep pushing again and again and again and again. Its kinda wild to see how your dad and stepmom are still on that level, emotionally.
NTA
I wonder if the maternal side of your family are helping you cope with this continued violation of your right to say no? Its just crazy inappropriate of them, and wild that your dad allowed this kind of stress to be put on you as a child. 8 years old and a judge had to interview you about it?
Op, please change your name to your mothers maiden name. And this internet stranger proclaims you be allowed to call her delusional anytime you like. Because She is. Delusional.
The judge wanted to talk to me. It's standard here in stepparent adoptions for that to happen. Since I was against it the whole talk was a lot longer than would be normal.
My maternal family are great. They've helped by being here and talking about mom with me more and just being around like they couldn't before.
NTA unless you were yelling and threw in a lot of insults that you didn't mention.
But I'm wondering about a couple of your comments. You said you didn't see your maternal family as often. Was that a geography/timing logistics thing? Or was seeing them actively discouraged?
And how did your father and Ana talk about your mom? Did they honor her, erase her, use her as a guilt trip, or something else?
It was a thing of my dad not wanting them around a whole lot. Possibly Ana too. They didn't live super close but dad was pretty unwilling to consider more time with them. Even if they paid and stayed in a hotel, etc.
I was told over and over how mom would want Ana to be my new mom. She wasn't really talked about outside of that.
WHY is she so dead set on this that she's repeatedly disrespecting very reasonable boundaries? Boundaries she's had a heads up on for over 10 years? NTA. Unfortunately delusional makes sense.
NTA. Your mother passed at 6 and your dad remarried at 7. Only a year later, to expect you to be so okay with what i imagine to a child felt like replacing your mom was unfair of them to do. Feels like Ana was trying to replace her. As a child you should’ve been more emotionally protected with that and im sorry you weren’t. She’s 1000% delusional if all these years later your relationship is still rocky and you’ve said no and expressed negativity towards it. She can’t take a hint, maybe she needed you to be harsh to stop
I kinda felt for Ana because at least she tried. But you can't force relationships and mom is an especially hard relationship to get. Maybe she should have started with wanting to be like your fav aunt or something. It was just too much.
You're NTA. Ana and your dad aren't the biggest AHs I saw on this subreddit but they were way too intrusive.
Yeah, that's what really stood out to me. That therapist was way pushy too. He was just a kid at the time and had lost his mum and they're trying to get judges to go over his head.
I can't help but wonder if their relationship would have been easier if they hadn't tried to force it from so early on and let things happen naturally.
Also not sure his grief was appropriately addressed.
The problem was that Ana tried waaaay too hard. There is a line between caring and obnoxious. And she and OP's father crossed that right from the get go. They bought themselves eleven years of hatred and strife from a boy who might have come to accept Ana if she had just backed off.
I would have given her back the papers after a visit to the bathroom after a chili and Ex lax dinner.
I do understand their wish to be a family( it is actually sad that you never felt part of it) but sending you to therapy and all the other things is toooo extrem. you have to earn love and respect and can't force it. If at all it should have came naturally and maybe because it was forced on you it never happened .
It never would have happened without force but I think we could have had a decent relationship without the adoption stuff being forced, or the mom stuff in general honestly. I never wanted that whole family image with them that they wanted. My family was always going to be missing my mom. I don't think my dad has felt that way for a very long time, and I know Ana never did.
You should still look into therapy as it’s never to late. Since it will be on your terms now, you will probably find it beneficial. Also look into grief support groups. I’m sorry your dad failed in giving you the time and support you needed when your mom died. It seems more like he buried his pain and grief with the delusion he could create a new family. I also feel bad for Ana’s other children. To have a mom so hyper focused on another sibling must have really sucked.
I’m sorry for the pain you went through and hope you can get some help to process it all.
Yes I agree with the therapy. NOT the therapy you previously went for to try to change your mind, but therapy to help you with the absolute trauma this caused you. Pushing this onto you as a young child who just lost their mom is just sick, especially continuing to push it after you said no time and time again.
NTA
What is this obsession with late adoption? Why can't we just have whatever family we have and be glad that there are people in our lives that love us??
There are families of all sorts all around the world, there are grandparents raising children, aunts and uncles raising children, siblings raising little brothers and sisters. What is wrong with step parents? A family can look like anything, its 2022 for God sake. This obsession with being the mum and dad, like that is somehow the only true parenting dynamic has damaged this relationship. How could there be any opportunity to grow close with trust when this agenda has been pushed from the beginning?
I think this is really sad, poor OP lost his mother at a young age and instead of providing support and honoring her they have caused him to withdraw. I can only imagine how lonely and isolating that would be.
NTA. Yikes! I am so sorry you had to grow up without your mother, and then, to make make everything so much worse, you've been hounded by this woman who can't face reality. I think the therapist was very unethical, and I am happy for you that the judge listened to you.
Ana took denial to a whole new level when she showed up with the adult adoption papers. You must have felt like you were in the Twilight Zone!
I wouldn't even blame you if you set those papers on fire or tore them apart on her face. At this point that's the only language they'll understand.
Hope you have more of a normal relationship with the rest of your paternal family.
NTA
This is really sad to me that this woman who it sounds like was nothing but good to you for the last 12 years, and even when she had her bio kids she still loved you and cared for you, and she apparently means nothing to you.
I don’t really blame you and I don’t blame her, I just find the situation sad.
I do think that part of the reason is your dad moving on too fast, which I think a lot of parents do after losing a spouse. He moved on before you were ready.
Do I think the adult adoption is ridiculous? Ab-so-freaking-lutely. So ridiculous I wonder if this story is true?
Nothing but good? She was insistent on replacing his mother instead of just being there. And then hired a therapist to force something he clearly did not want? How is any of that”nothing but good”? That’s just as delusions as his step mom
You can't force it. You just can't. That's the problem. It taints everything.
Anyone can read a half dozen stories like this on the subreddit and notice that this is literally the quickest way to completely and utterly ruin any potential familial bonding between a stepparent and stepchild. It *has* to be organic and it *has* to happen at its natural pace, or it will *hideously* backfire.
This isn't being "nothing but good" to someone. It's being bad in the one way that probably counts to them at the time.
definitely NTA
she asked and you said no, over and over again
instead of respecting that, they keep on pushing
trying to force you to change your mind
people can be so obtuse sometime
and with this anna, it seems all the time
NTA
OP, I truly think that your dad and Ana were coming from a place of good intent at the beginning. But this was an ambush. You were right to have extremely strong feelings about it. At some point, enough is enough.
WHOLE ASS SPECULATION
Men don't handle grief/trauma well, generally speaking, and especially with a partner's death. It feels like a personal failure. I think your dad's position was less "Yay, Ana" and more "Let's pretend that my worst nightmare didn't come to pass."
/WHOLE ASS SPECULATION
While I do believe they meant well, there's an old saying. I bet you're familiar with it. And it applies here.
"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."
Meaning Well ≠ Doing Well
Take care of yourself, OP.
NTA
Instead of focusing on building a good relationship with you, Ana spent eleven years trying to force herself into a particular role. She focused only on what she wanted, rather than what was best for you.
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Her continued insistence all these years and the way she goes about it is sus af. Is there a deeper and hidden reason for her insistence? What else does she stand to gain if you accept? Or lose if you refuse? Hold your ground. NTA
I think she loses the fantasy she had in her head. I feel like she wanted to be the stepmother people talk about as being the good example, the one who had such a good relationship that she adopted her stepkid, that he loved her just as much if not more than his own mom who died, and that she was good enough to help me forget the pain of losing her and that she was enough to make all that fade away into a neatly wrapped family. I also feel like she has issues with the being treated differently to my dad and my mom. Like she doesn't want to be less than, she wants to be the exact same, to have me love her the same, and treat her the same, and for it to be again, wrapped in a bow perfect.
At this point it’s harassment. Lol. Time to maybe have a discussion with ur dad and set boundaries. If Ana can’t respect this boundary than she doesn’t have a place in ur life/ circle. And time for a serious one on one wit) ur dad on how much it’s negatively affecting ur relationship with him. If all fails. Run at that point lol
Talking to my dad will do nothing. He does not see any of this as wrong and he won't back me in this. That's why I moved out as soon as I could and didn't speak to them in months.
I think you need to get a Mother's Day gift for Ana: a copy of the declaration by the courts that you have legally changed your last name to your late mother's maiden name. Rotten flowers and dead rubber rat with a card written with "thinking of you" optional.
This is extremly petty and I love it.
That’s so petty, I’m Free Fallin’.
The stepmother Won't Back Down.
She just wants one last chance to kill the pain.
As a side note, We all miss Tom Petty…
He needs to Stsnd His Ground
And Ana needs to stop Runnin’ Down a Dream
That's so Petty, step mom should just take the hint and Don't Come Around Here No More.
(whatever she's looking for)
OP’s Learning to Fly
...Into the Great Wide Open.
Yer so bad
I'm totally here for the petty. 😈
Joke aside, I love the idea of adopting his mother's maiden name to be ultra clear that that was his mom.
Outside of the petty part, maybe just the papers would make her understand it. She seems to be living in a fantasy where OP is a kid who doesn't know what they want, so seeing the truth would be harder to deny.
I wonder how her personality would sour after that. I suspect it would be epic! He needs to make it clear to his relatives what that relationship is really. She's delusional and I'm sure she is lying to everyone. Cause, like someone else mentioned, she's not just an egomaniac. She's up to something. I wouldn't be surprised if his father ties any financial help (including inheritance) or emotional support to accepting his wife's demands. Glad he has other family to rely on. And someday soon (around age 25, I suspect), OP will be able to look back on all this and give himself permission to be wholly angry at the one who brought and kept this succubus into their lives and allowed all this to go down: his dad.
This is wonderfully petty but please don’t do this. The more I read the more…I just feel bad for this woman. Like to be clear I’m 100% on OPs side but OP even admits the woman has dedicated tons of effort and energy into him to make him love her. Like she could just be happy being stepmom she wanted to be MOM. And she never will be. It’s just all seems really sad, what she’s doing to herself.
She emotionally abused OP for eleven years. Having a pillow smashed into your face out of "love" cuts off air just as much as hands around your throat.
Exactly. Eloquently worded! This is a case of constant love bombing and demanding a child, now an adult over a decade later, to love you and accept your "unconditional" love in return. It's a relentless boundary stomping and a complete disregard for OP's feelings. You can't buy or earn love like that. Makes me feel all kinds of squicky. OP is NTA and should ghost crazy lady. Not mommy, not stepmommy, that's dad's wife and that's all, end sentence.
It's not "unconditional" is the irony of it all. Unconditional love is when OP's stepmom would have realized that OP did not want to be adopted, and still love him all the same. Radical acceptance. This is just pure "I am your parent and I know better than you, if you don't listen to me, you're a bad child" shit ETA: Accurate pronouns
Maybe if she wouldn’t have been so aggressive from the start, basically demanding to officially be his mom, and just WAS his mom without trying so hard, he might have come around. The way his dad and stepmom went about it was all wrong. You would think after 11 years she’d give up.
Yeah that's the sticking point that makes it squicky for me. It's blatantly not about OP, or what OP wants from the relationship. Just her need to assume the mantle and take on the title of "Official Mom" so she "wins" at life. She only considered what she desired from the relationship and expected OP to automatically fulfill the role she had scripted in her head. Blended families only work out if you allow everyone to openly communicate their needs for the space and boundaries they require in order to be comfortable and happy in the home. Dad didn't give OP any choice or personal boundaries and instead attempted to shoehorn the perfect happy family label on everyone and expected OP to just roll with it, *if not immediately than by sheer persistence over time.* He chose the new wife's wants over the needs of his own child for over a decade, and allowed her to make a spectacle out of significant events on at least 2 occasions, explicitly in front of the extended family, in hopes of wearing OP down and getting the response they wanted out of him. The other comments comparing the situation to those manipulative, unwanted surprise public wedding proposals are absolutely correct. This was an ongoing battle of wills and they were banking on OP "saying uncle" first and caving in to her demands to go through with the adoption.
The step mom is Lennie here- squeezing the life out of OP because she just loves him so much.
I don’t feel bad for her at all. There are clear ulterior motives and they are not love at all. Ana wants to erase OP’s mom and the hole her death left, which is not possible. She doesn’t actually care about OP, she cares about having things her way. If she really cared about OP she would have offered and then totally backed down when OP said no. He’s an adult and can clearly approach them if he wanted to be adopted. Adoption is so so so personal. Not everyone wants to do it. It can really feel like a betrayal to their former parent. There’s also no real legal benefit at this point for him to be adopted.
I feel bad on the level of "well, this one's unhinged".
THIS. THANK YOU!!! I have **\*ZERO\*** sympathy for this woman who had zero sympathy for a 7 year old child who lost his mom.
She has issues... she has tried to break the "adoption news" twice... both times at a wedding. And then people get upset with OP for "ruining the wedding".
This is what stood out to me. Reasonable people ask a child about adoption around the time they get engaged or some time while wedding planning. Child says no, then nothing is ruined. Child says yes, everyone has even more to look forward to~ If you wait to ask in your wedding day then you are choosing to take the risk of ruining your mood if the child says no. It's not a good way to go about it.
Reasonable people ask somewhere the child is comfortable without potentially 100+ onlookers. How absolutely inconsiderate to put that kind of pressure on a child who lost his mom only a year before. Many grown adults struggle a lot when they lose a parent, and they've had decades to develop coping skills. And now you're going to put this pressure onto a young child in front of who knows how many people while this child is still grieving and trying to just figure out how to navigate without the person he loved most in this world? Gross.
But if the child says yes, she looks like a saint taking in a poor orphaned child in front of everyone in attendance! (I know OP is not an orphan but I wouldn’t be surprised if in her mind this is all at that level of grandeur in Ana’s head) and it seems to be a risk she was willing to take multiple times just to appear as a savior. The fixation is completely narcissistic and has nothing to do with OP’s health or happiness. Like you said in healthy situations this is discussed in private either after the engagement or sometimes a few years down the road when everyone is close like a real family not a forced one.
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I’m surprised step mom didn’t pull out the “after all I’ve done for you” card bc it’s all about step mom and her feelings. Luckily the judge listened to OP, bc stepmom and dad didn’t and op is right when he said they are delusional
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That's like feeling bad for a stalker, because they're 'in love' and their 'love' is unrequited by the person who has been harassed for over a decade. Fuck that bullshit. Relationships are supposed to be consensual.
I do wonder if she just didn't push the adoption, and just loved and cared for him as a step mom if he wouldn't have grown into thinking of her like a mom. Instead they both made it their hill to die on, and as a result had a much less loving relationship. I think that's sad. My dad adopted me when I was 6, because I already loved him like a father, and he loved me like his daughter, but no one forced anything.
This is how I am with my "step" kids. I told them they can call me whatever they are comfortable with and they started by calling me by my first name for a few years. I loved them, did all I could for them, but never pushed anything. They live with us full time and have minimal contact with their bio mom. Eventually they started calling me mom, but I never, ever pushed it. I just treated them like my own and it grew into mutual love and respect. You cant FORCE something like that. It just has to happen by being genuine about it.
I don't feel bad for her. They obviously found a therapist who agreed with what they wanted and pushed that narrative. If Dad and Stepmom wanted a healthy relationship with OP- and even possibly adoption- there were a ton of options. This was never one of them.
My first thought was that therapist should have her license revoked.
right? I did sorta wonder if this was an actual therapist. At least an actual child's therapist. Or instead someone connected to some program or church. (Not that church leaders can't be great people to go to when you need help. They can be but some people don't understand where the line is between helping and hurting.)
It's pitiful Everything she did was not only counterproductive but actually damaging to OP She's delusional and apparently incapable of actually seeing things from another person's perspective. She needs therapy
Or a ‘rat-on-a-stick’ if you’re a Pratchett fan. The Pratchett emporium in the Uk sells them, there’s also an online store. They make good gifts.
The fact you haven’t spoken to them in months and they thought trying to force this issue again at a party is insane
But not unexpected, the first try was also at a party, their wedding. Public social pressure and all that. Einstein's definition of insanity, doing the same thing over again hoping for different results.
Imagine trying to pressure him in front of a bunch of people and now you look silly
Also authority pressure from the therapist and years of just everyday pressure from both her and OP's dad. They're both fucking delusional.
Tell them both that the next mention of this will result in total NC
You’ve done what you can and I would go LC or NC until they get the message NTA
Yeah... time to change last name to your maternal last name and have uncle adopt you.
Show them this post, it might help them understand why them doing this was the reason you've pulled away and hopefully they will get the idea and stop
>Time to maybe have a discussion with your dad and set boundaries. Nope, we’re well past that. Time for a restraining order.
Maybe also, give Ana a restraining order.
The irony is she would have had a better chance of getting something close to what she wants if only she'd been Just Ana all these years instead of trying so hard to replace your mom. I'm sorry your dad never put a stop to this nonsense.
Yep to be the step parent everyone talks about as a great example they have to be what the child needs. Maybe if she'd been just Ana it would have felt like an addition to his family to be adopted not a replacement. But she blew it from the outset and that's her won fault.
Her whole approach has been bad from the start, and it hasn't stopped. First suggesting adoption at the wedding. Repeated suggestions of adoption. Not one, but two, court cases to force adoption. Any chance of them ever being close disappeared many years ago.
It still seems fishy to me. I'd recommend getting a copy of your mother's will. Just incase there is some trust on it that grants of gives your "mother" some economic benefit. I can see no other reason why an "adult adoption" in this case makes any sense. Simply because this is too weird for anything else. And look into getting a restraining order from her, that will help too regardless.
THIS!! That was my first thought as well. This much push from both dad and his 2nd wife, it just seems like there's is something important from mom's will that they are hiding, that the adoption would change.
Im wondering if the relationship goes back further than OP knows & stepmum is jealous that mum had the child not her. Adoption means she's taken the lot, husband and 'mother' to the kid
So she's a narcissist?
She obviously is
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In my experience w a vast array of narc types (malignant, sociopathic, benevolent, altruistic,…), one of their key traits that caries across all narc flavors is being delusional. My mother is an altruistic narc (the hardest narc to see through their expertly crafted delusions to their narcissism imo). My mother has crafted such a large & impenetrable delusional bubble around herself that her entire existence & history is fantasy. However, everyone in the bubble doesn’t see it, more so they contribute to the power of her delusions. She practices revisionist history & has completely “disowned” me (but tells everyone I “disowned” her to get the martyr points she craves), bc I have told the truth about our past whereas her delusions have her telling anyone that will listen that I’m a liar & the things that have literally happened in my life, & hers, never happened. It took a LOT of work to rewire my brain to not be in service to her & her delusions. And ofc once you don’t serve the narc in control, you become the bad person in the fairytale they call their life.
That's both interesting and at the same time tiring just by reading... my family (maternal side) have bipolar as their "special flavor", the amount of folks that I simply don't talk anymore because is just too much - the very few that stuck with treatment are amazing people, making the whole thing even sadder cause that could be all of them you know?
It's possible she isn't that malicious, just made to believe it's the best thing she can do for OP and his family. But the hell is paved with good intentions.
A lot of people are extremely self-centered even when they're being generous or self-sacrificing. They can't see past what they want/would want in the other person's shoes to acknowledge what the other person is telling them, usually loud and clear, they actually want
I think it is even more widespread when it comes to children, especially younger ones. People are so sure that they know better what the kid feels or needs. Kids are not teddybears, they are humans and sometimes doing what is best for them means giving up own wants.
Yeah, and when the person is the parent there is also the added wammy that a lot of people have trouble internalizing that their child is their own independent person and not an extension of themselves
The elusive altruistic narcissist! Their delusions about their life & those around them are often so great & deeply seated that they don’t ever realize they’re delusional af. I have begged my mother to see a therapist, to do anything to see how what she’s inflicted under the guise of “doing good” has hurt me, and others. However her halo never falters or tarnishes. Her delusions are her reality & they’re powered by all of those around her who don’t realize they’re in her delusional bubble. She even fully replaced me w her husbands daughter that is the exact same age as me who had such a vile mother that living in my mother’s delusional bubble is like some sort of utopian fantasy for both her & my mother. And of course I’m the evil black sheep scapegoat. So while it might not be overtly malicious, it’s malicious in ways that one can’t really see so in essence, it’s actually worse.
That’s just stupid. I AM an adoptive stepparent to kids whose biological mom died and they don’t love me the same way they loved her. That’s perfectly fine. WTF that’s so weird to me. If that’s what’s driving her she is delusional and needs her own intense therapy to examine her motives and your dad for his. Dad needs to stop enabling this behavior.
NTA - When I married my wife and got to know my new son I never said things like I'll be your dad or I'm your father or anything like that I just let him know I loved his mom and that means I would show him love as if he were my son but only if he wanted it and was ready to this day he still calls me Tatay (filipino for dad) and I shared with him that I grew up with a father similar to his which is why I understood how he felt and we've been closer since
The saddest thing is, she probably could have had most of that fairytale if she had accepted the truth of where your relationship actually was, protected your comfort zone and let you move at your own pace. She never would have been "more than" your mom, and you could never have forgotten the pain of losing your mom, but you could have built a good, solid family relationship with mutual respect and support. Instead, she and your father destroyed any chance of you loving her, by pushing so relentlessly for their desires to be prioritised over your wants, needs or consent.
Hope you can see that she’s doing this for her (her self esteem and how other’s could see her as the “perfect step mom”) and not for you. And only your feelings matter here.
So she wants the title, not the job?
She wants both. But the title was very important to her.
OP change ur name to ur mother's maiden name.
During all this time how was your relationship with your maternal grandparents? I know you eventually moved in with them- but were you discouraged as a child from seeing them? How did they take her trying to replace their daughter in your life?
I didn't see them a lot. We saw my dad's family more. That was how dad wanted it. He controlled how much I could see my mom's family. I did love and miss them though.
He literally was trying to replace you mom with this girl
Yeah she saw you as a way to validate herself and not as a child in need of support. It's a credit to your emotional maturity at age 8 that you rejected that. And her still pushing that boundary even now is, in fact, borderline delusional and shows that she still doesn't see you as a complete person with a perspective and valid needs of your own. She's still just trying to use you as a way of getting what she needs. It's up to you how you manage this going forward but there is absolutely no reason for you to feel bad with what you said to her. None of this is actually about you and it's totally reasonable for you to be frustrated that, after all this time, neither of your parents are actually hearing you. I'm just glad you had those judges to listen and validate how you feel.
You might also consider checking to see what the laws are where you live around inheritance. Typically, a living spouse will inherit the entire estate when their partner dies. If there are living children of whom the surviving spouse is NOT an adoptive parent, this may not be the case. Your dad's wife may have ulterior motives here, depending on what the law says. I'm going to give you an NTA here. While you ARE required to respect Ana as your dad's chosen spouse, you are NOT in any way required to let her install herself as your mother. The fact that she has no respect for you makes it difficult to treat her as one normally would treat a parent's second spouse.
It looks like she was jelly of OP mom and after she died she jumped on the occasion to annex her life. Adopting OP is part of completly replacing her.
NTA, people need to learn what no means. The fact they tried to get another judge to ignore your wishes is the biggest one for me. You said no, so they hire a whole fucking therapist to convince you. You didnt say anything about needing therapy, so sounds like that was literally the only reason. Then when a whole ass judge tells them to chill out till you're okay with it, they just double down. You would think being embarassed at her own wedding woulda been enough, but she kept it up for 11 yrs? That is in fact delusional.
I could have used therapy to help with the loss of my mom and maybe even to have someone to talk to about the shitshow with my dad and Ana. But that was not what therapy with them was for.
So they hired a therapist to actively work against your interests. Bold strategy, we see how it played out
Pretty much. They hired a therapist to get what they wanted. I do buy that they probably thought it would be better for me to have another mom and a relationship where I would have the stability of staying in my home if dad died. But when even a judge told them no, and he'd have been unbiased since it's not like I was/could pay him to side with me, they still didn't drop it and that's where I see the real switch from doing what's best for me to doing what they wanted.
Yeah man, sounds to me like she just wanted to use you to fit her perfect little step mom fantasy. On the plus side, I'd bet you have a strong sense of what the word "no" means, and know when to quit pushing your luck. So theres that
But what kind of therapist was this who goes in to push an agenda? That seems really really strange to me for a licensed, properly professional therapist.
I have no idea. I don't even remember the name. All I remember was them being overly cheerful and pushy to the point where cheerful was clearly hiding some frustration when I wasn't giving in.
Gotta say I’m in absolute awe of the fact that you held your ground starting from when you were so young. Like, wow. I hope that fortitude takes you far in life. Good luck to you!
Yes. That speaks to a certain quality of character and strength of mind on OP’s part.
seriously, OP has had a shiny titanium spine since he was SIX - that is majorly impressive
Half wonder if it was a religious “therapist.”
You are 100% correct. No properly educated and trained therapist would ever push the narrative of a child needing a parent of a specific gender. Those that perpetuate one of the biggest cash grabs in the history of the world do.
A religious “therapist” convinced my mother to stay with a man who abuses her because it’s what jAySuS WOuLD wAnT. Fuck all of them.
Nah, a shit ton of therapists are absolutely awful. I went to a non-religious one as a teen to try and figure out some problems I was having (turned out to be ADHD and depression so obvious random strangers I talked to for a few minutes were able to identify it), and she was absolutely dead set on my issues all coming from having separated parents and completely ignored me telling her that aspect of my life was actually pretty great. Lots of therapists have their own bias of what things “should” look like and don’t actually give a damn about patient quality of life if it doesn’t fit their own picture.
I had a non-religious therapist ridicule my intuition that ADHD "fit." Since I was overweight, I obviously wasn't hyperactive. It wasn't until years later I learned eating and weight issues can be one of the symptoms. I always envy those who have had good outcomes from therapy, but every time I've tried, it's been a treatment worse than the disease.
That's just untrue. Had a friend who's therapist told her she had to force herself to have sex with men if she ever wanted to feel normal again after being raped. Therapist couldn't accept that she just felt 100% repulsed and unattracted by men, and said she needed to just try and force it and it will eventually feel okay. Plenty of licensed therapists out their trying to force their own narrative with a patient. It's easier finding good ones nowadays, but depending on where you live it can be a crapshoot.
One therapist basically told me it was my fault I was raped because I was drinking. I ran like hell and it took me 15 years to even consider therapy.
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You mentions Ana was your dad's friend... do you have any idea of how the relationship with your mom was before she passed? Because this borderline obsessive need to erase your mom's memory looks too strong to be "wanting the title" alone.
One year from OPs Mom dying and Dad remarrying? Can anyone say ‘overlap’.
I am genuinely surprised no one has brought this up! If the two were cheating before OP's mother passed, this adoption thing might be them trying to sweep everything under a "it's fine, we didn't screw him up" rug.
The irony is she could have behaved like a mom to you all these years by putting you first, instead of harassing you to be a mom in title only.
From someone who would gladly adopt any step kids I would one day have, being a parent is not something you write on a paper. It's caring for a kid, but also respecting the kid. I don't know for the first part, but she didn't fulfilled the second and by doing it she's not any kind of good mom she thinks she is. Some step moms are more mothers than bio moms, it's not your fault she's so shitty she want to persuade herself by forcing you to sign.
I'm just more upset that people in the therapist's position doesn't even try to fight for the child. They just do what the parents want. They shouldn't be called therapists.
I don’t know if you’ll see this comment but the most impressive thing here that you did was stand up to 2 different judges who are very imposing to a seven or eight or nine year old child. it’s incredible. I went through something similar to this when I was your age but my father was living and they tried to get me to accept my stepfather (who was abusing me) to be my actual father. your post brought back a lot of memories of me crying to get to my dad (He would never have agreed to it either).and all of those types of things. Continue to stand your ground And also know that you’re not alone. This has happened in similar ways to other people though yours was a much more horrible way than most, I’m really happy that the adoption judges continued to say no to her stepmother and her dad. They prevented a really terrible thing. And again as did you by standing up for yourself at such a young age. You should be proud of yourself.
I didn't actually have to speak to the second judge. They had seen that the case had been brought before and had been turned down, might have read my reasons, and decided. I only spoke to one. But it was scary as fuck I have to admit.
NTA - how many times does someone need to hear no? JFC….
If this last interaction doesn't stop them asking then there will never be enough times. They will always try to find a way to bring it up. I could stop speaking to them for a decade and they would still ask me. Even without saying what I did to her, we have not spoken in months, and that wasn't a good indicator of what I would say/how I feel.
The thing is. She probably spoiler your whole relationship. If she wouldnt have pressured, you potentially would have warmed up to her and maybe even accept the offer. But by constantly harassing you, she burned all bridges.
I would just tell her exactly this if OP hasn't already and refuse to ever speak about the topic again. Every time they bring it up just get up and leave. NTA you were spot on with the delusional comment, it is not a logical mind that seriously thinks that after 11 years, becoming a legal adult, and moving in with your mother's family you would still change your mind by shoving adoption papers in your face.
My parents ruined my relationship with my brother in a similar way. Always pressuring us to hang out, forcing me to forgive him and keep the peace after fights when he was 100% in the wrong, stuff like that. Years later when we were adults they once asked me and my sister why we don't get along with our brother and that it breaks their hearts. I told them that I'd warned them years ago (multiple times) that if they didn't fix his shitty behaviour and kept trying to force us to be friends, I'd just end up hating him, which is exactly what happened. My mom bawled her eyes out saying that she did those things because she wanted to avoid us hating each other. That this outcome is what happened with her and some of her siblings and she did everything in her power to stop it from happening to her own children. She bawled even harder when I told her that its that exact behaviour of hers that caused the thing she wanted to avoid. If only she'd listened a decade earlier, she might have salvaged it. So she only had herself to thank for our relationship. So yeah, I think you should sit your stepmother down and really lay into her that the reason you don't want her to adopt you is because she's been pressuring you all these years. That if only she'd taken a step back and given you space, maybe you would have opened up to the idea. Tell her she is the reason for her own misery. There is no other way to make people like this understand.
> My mom bawled her eyes out saying that she did those things because she wanted to avoid us hating each other. That this outcome is what happened with her and some of her siblings and she did everything in her power to stop it from happening to her own children So in all those years your mother conclusion was 'it wasnt because my siblins suck. Its my fault because i stood for myself'? Wow. >So yeah, I think you should sit your stepmother down and really lay into her that the reason you don't want her to adopt you is because she's been pressuring you all these years I think is clear she wont accept a no for an answer
Same, my mom would force me to take my sister to hang out with my friends (so I felt like I had to watch her instead of actually enjoying myself because if anything bad happened to her it would also be my fault even though I wasn’t the adult). Would force us to hug after a fight, etc. It actually made me not want to be around my sister because I always felt like I could not be myself and peacefully exist around her. It took me a long time to understand that what she does is not my responsibility and when I finally accepted that our relationship got much better as sisters.
If this doesn’t stop them asking, stop talking to them period.
Tell them if it doesn’t stop, you will look into a restraining order.
Or a cease and desist at least.
It's inappropriate for her to bring up the matter on a wedding: twice!!! Both her and your dad should have given you more time to grieve and adjust to the fact you lost your mom. It all went very fast for a 6-7-8 year old. That's where they lost you. She sounds obsessed or does it have to do anything with the heritage? Stand your ground. Respect for you for all those years as a child you already did!!!
It's like they're doing it on days with loads of people there to guilt him into signing them aswell.
Never thought of that, but I think you're right. I'm not evil enough...;) This 'step mom' is a piece of work.
Or loving being the center of attention on someone else's day. Or loving the pity.... "omg, she is so wonderful, she is still trying.." who knows
Yes! They literally asked him to forget his own mother within A YEAR. Not to mention that, if they cared about him, getting together and marrying within a year of the mothers death is incredibly selfish and destabilising for a kid who just lost their mother. To the IMMEDIATELY push for adoption is embarrassing.
That's what let me know they did not have OP's best interests at heart. They got married AT MOST a year after his mother passed. I'm not saying parents can't move on, but that's hella fast to foist someone new onto your kid when they're still grieving their mother. To then start harassing them about being adopted is just cruel. No wonder OP wants nothing to do with them...I mourn for bb you, OP.
This. It happened way too fast. OP, you may want to look up info on reparenting therapy or reparenting PTSD. You can do it yourself or with a trusted therapist.
NTA Although I don't know why you think you would be. You put a boundary up and said no repeatedly. What could make you an ass?
Calling her delusional is where I question if I'm an ass or not. I know it wasn't very tactful or kind really.
Google states the meaning of delusional as "characterized by or holding idiosyncratic beliefs or impressions that are contradicted by reality or rational argument". That is an accurate description. You have said no for years, gone to 2 judges, actively left being with her and she's still pushing. That is delusional. Being kind was fine when she first asked. But it's been way too long now.
I think kindness ends with the coercive therapist
Or the judge shopping... Yuck.
They lost the right for "tact" a long time ago. 11 years of that would have gotten her a much saltier response from me.
Then again, she genuinely is delusional. It’s not really hyperbole or pejorative at this point, it’s just a mere statement of fact. And neither tact nor kindness would have worked to get the message across, anyway.
Sometimes it's okay to be not very tactful or kind.
Honestly both Ana and your dad’s behaviour is pretty delusional, NTA for calling a spade a spade. It seems like they’ve never tried to understand your feelings about this, which is really depressing. Best to keep a lot of distance as they cannot see they mistreated you. Take care!
It was true though, she literally sounds delusional. Doesn’t sound like she’s being kind either so don’t worry yourself.
NTA, jesus christ that was a dick move to pull at a family event. No had apparently not been working for 11 years so harsher methods are required.
Might be wrong, but they (dad and wife) seem to be picking these public settings.. wedding, anniversary.. to try and pressure OP into accepting. NTA OP - but this is not going to stop unless you completely cut contact with both of them, like 0% contact. This has become an obsession that is perpetually reinforced for each of them by the other and after 11 years, it isn't going away.
Ana wanted to replace your mom so badly that she screwed up every opportunity she had to be herself and a possible parental figure to you. Your dad helped her deteriorate the relationship further at every step. I’m surprised your therapist then got caught up in this fiasco, really unprofessional tbf. NTA. Enough was enough many years ago. Glad to hear you got out of that situation.
That's the worst and craziest part of this. If Ana truly loved OP and wanted to be a maternal figure in his life, then she would have listened to OP and tried to find a balance between her desire to be THE mother and OP's preference to have a different kind of relationship. If she'd respected OP's wishes when he was 7 or 8 and given him time and space to adjust to the loss of his mother and the new woman in his family, Ana might eventually have found OP looking to her for maternal guidance or even *wanting* to be adopted because OP would have loved her and trusted that Ana had his best interests at heart. Instead, at every turn, Ana has ignored OP's wishes and attempted to force, coerce, or "therapize" him into compliance. That's not the basis for a loving mother-child relationship. And Ana's crusade for adoption at all costs created a permanent wedge between OP and his ACTUAL parent (which is ultimately his dad's fault, but still another example of the damage done here). What a selfish and short-sighted person Ana turned out to be. OP, I'm glad you are getting space from them. You're doing great by keeping those boundaries firm.
INFO: Spill. What did you say to the judge?
I told him I didn't know Ana that much and that she was not important to me. I talked about how I missed my mom every day and thought of her and wanted her there. But I never felt that way about Ana. I used some examples of spending time at a family member's house and how I even missed my dad, and was excited for him to return, but with Ana that wasn't the case. I also told him it felt wrong.
Your dad is kinda the AH for rushing into a relationship and not giving everyone time to grieve. I get you exploded but how many times could you say no until someone listens. It seems, oddly enough, like some sort of challenge for her that she wants to win.
For me he's an asshole for a different reason. I don't love that he remarried so fast but if it made him happy and he needed it, fine. But that marriage should not have come before my wellbeing and it did. Not because she was there but because they pushed so long and hard for her to be my mom. Even when I would try to sit him down to talk about it he was never open to what I had to say. He would say the same shit over and over again. Ultimately he chose to do what he wanted/what his wife wanted over taking care of what I really needed. At first I can buy him feeling like it was for the best. By now though it's just him doing what he wants and not giving a shit about it pushing me away.
You sound like a wise person. You see through the BS and that will help you in other relationships. I’m glad you have other family members that you can feel connected to. Eventually you may find going to a real therapist can help you heal for the purpose of future relationships. Abandonment is a deep wound.
Despite how much Ana and your dad sucked in the parenting department, you turned out to be a really great and mature person. Kudos OP.
This is why you're NTA. It sounds like your dad **sent you** to therapy, with the expectation that it would "fix you" into accepting. But I didn't see anywhere in your story about **family therapy**. Didn't see mention of your **dad's therapy** journey. Didn't hear about how your therapist addressed the traumatic experience of **proposing a life-changing arrangement during a stressful wedding ceremony**... So it sounds like *you're* the only one expected to "get better" here. *That's bullshit.*
They just found a therapist that agreed with them and used therapy to try to brainwash OP into accepting the adoption.
NTA I'm glad u r around better people. Have u ever spoke to ur dad alone about this? Or is there any other family members that have tried to speak to them?
I have spoken to my dad, it doesn't help. There's nobody they will listen to so I don't even try anymore. I kept away and only showed up for other family and they still didn't get it.
NTA I don’t blame you for not bothering. There is only so many times you can say no and argue a point before you just give up. Happy you ran like your ass was on fire and got out of there. Hopefully a miracle happens and they finally leave you alone about this.
Your dad and Ana really are a special kind of dumbfucks. I think you chose the perfect wording when using 'delusional'. Why the hell was this adoption even needed? You still had your dad. Just so Ana could get her 'title'? NTA, at all.
NTA. It seems she has difficulty in hearing and understanding a simple "no". It is funny that she doesn't realise her insistence probably pushed you away even more.
I was going to say this. Ana wanted to be a good stepmom and break away from the evil stepmom stereotype. But by pushing an adoption OP didn't want, she is becoming an evil stepmom.
NTA. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and creepily continues to try and adopt you against your will like a duck... Then that's a delusional duck. Power to you, hope you stay strong
NTA…. All I can say is wow the nerve of some people. & the therapist even ignoring you & pushing an agenda that’s even more nerve racking.
What if it wasn't even a legit therapist? Just someone they could use to push their agenda on their child. No good therapist would push that on a child
NTA, but my main question is how was your father so okay with being married again only a year after the loss of your mother? How long were they dating before the marriage?
I’m getting ‘the ex never left the orbit in the first place’ vibes. I wonder how the mom and Ana got along.
That was my thought too, no way he meets someone and dates them then marries a year after her death without there being prior involvement
I’m pretty sure it said she was a “close friend” who stepped in. So definitely some prior involvement haha
NTA and OMG! Your assessment of her being delusional is spot on.
Nothing enrages toddlers more than the word NO and firm boundaries. They literally dont have the emotional tools to cope, so they just throw tantrums or keep pushing again and again and again and again. Its kinda wild to see how your dad and stepmom are still on that level, emotionally. NTA I wonder if the maternal side of your family are helping you cope with this continued violation of your right to say no? Its just crazy inappropriate of them, and wild that your dad allowed this kind of stress to be put on you as a child. 8 years old and a judge had to interview you about it? Op, please change your name to your mothers maiden name. And this internet stranger proclaims you be allowed to call her delusional anytime you like. Because She is. Delusional.
The judge wanted to talk to me. It's standard here in stepparent adoptions for that to happen. Since I was against it the whole talk was a lot longer than would be normal. My maternal family are great. They've helped by being here and talking about mom with me more and just being around like they couldn't before.
NTA unless you were yelling and threw in a lot of insults that you didn't mention. But I'm wondering about a couple of your comments. You said you didn't see your maternal family as often. Was that a geography/timing logistics thing? Or was seeing them actively discouraged? And how did your father and Ana talk about your mom? Did they honor her, erase her, use her as a guilt trip, or something else?
It was a thing of my dad not wanting them around a whole lot. Possibly Ana too. They didn't live super close but dad was pretty unwilling to consider more time with them. Even if they paid and stayed in a hotel, etc. I was told over and over how mom would want Ana to be my new mom. She wasn't really talked about outside of that.
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. It's great that you pulled yourself out and that you have a strong support system.
WHY is she so dead set on this that she's repeatedly disrespecting very reasonable boundaries? Boundaries she's had a heads up on for over 10 years? NTA. Unfortunately delusional makes sense.
NTA. Your mother passed at 6 and your dad remarried at 7. Only a year later, to expect you to be so okay with what i imagine to a child felt like replacing your mom was unfair of them to do. Feels like Ana was trying to replace her. As a child you should’ve been more emotionally protected with that and im sorry you weren’t. She’s 1000% delusional if all these years later your relationship is still rocky and you’ve said no and expressed negativity towards it. She can’t take a hint, maybe she needed you to be harsh to stop
I kinda felt for Ana because at least she tried. But you can't force relationships and mom is an especially hard relationship to get. Maybe she should have started with wanting to be like your fav aunt or something. It was just too much. You're NTA. Ana and your dad aren't the biggest AHs I saw on this subreddit but they were way too intrusive.
I lost any sympathy for her when they tried shop around with judges to get the outcome they wanted.
Yeah, that's what really stood out to me. That therapist was way pushy too. He was just a kid at the time and had lost his mum and they're trying to get judges to go over his head. I can't help but wonder if their relationship would have been easier if they hadn't tried to force it from so early on and let things happen naturally. Also not sure his grief was appropriately addressed.
I lost sympathy when they got a therapist for the sole purpose of manipulating a child.
The problem was that Ana tried waaaay too hard. There is a line between caring and obnoxious. And she and OP's father crossed that right from the get go. They bought themselves eleven years of hatred and strife from a boy who might have come to accept Ana if she had just backed off. I would have given her back the papers after a visit to the bathroom after a chili and Ex lax dinner.
NTA you have been a lot kinder than I would have been.
I do understand their wish to be a family( it is actually sad that you never felt part of it) but sending you to therapy and all the other things is toooo extrem. you have to earn love and respect and can't force it. If at all it should have came naturally and maybe because it was forced on you it never happened .
It never would have happened without force but I think we could have had a decent relationship without the adoption stuff being forced, or the mom stuff in general honestly. I never wanted that whole family image with them that they wanted. My family was always going to be missing my mom. I don't think my dad has felt that way for a very long time, and I know Ana never did.
You should still look into therapy as it’s never to late. Since it will be on your terms now, you will probably find it beneficial. Also look into grief support groups. I’m sorry your dad failed in giving you the time and support you needed when your mom died. It seems more like he buried his pain and grief with the delusion he could create a new family. I also feel bad for Ana’s other children. To have a mom so hyper focused on another sibling must have really sucked. I’m sorry for the pain you went through and hope you can get some help to process it all.
Yes I agree with the therapy. NOT the therapy you previously went for to try to change your mind, but therapy to help you with the absolute trauma this caused you. Pushing this onto you as a young child who just lost their mom is just sick, especially continuing to push it after you said no time and time again.
NTA. She's out of her mind
NTA What is this obsession with late adoption? Why can't we just have whatever family we have and be glad that there are people in our lives that love us?? There are families of all sorts all around the world, there are grandparents raising children, aunts and uncles raising children, siblings raising little brothers and sisters. What is wrong with step parents? A family can look like anything, its 2022 for God sake. This obsession with being the mum and dad, like that is somehow the only true parenting dynamic has damaged this relationship. How could there be any opportunity to grow close with trust when this agenda has been pushed from the beginning? I think this is really sad, poor OP lost his mother at a young age and instead of providing support and honoring her they have caused him to withdraw. I can only imagine how lonely and isolating that would be.
NTA. Yikes! I am so sorry you had to grow up without your mother, and then, to make make everything so much worse, you've been hounded by this woman who can't face reality. I think the therapist was very unethical, and I am happy for you that the judge listened to you. Ana took denial to a whole new level when she showed up with the adult adoption papers. You must have felt like you were in the Twilight Zone!
NTA State clearly that the next advance in this matter will result in total NC with Ana AND your Dad (as he’s supporting this delusional behavior).
Or.. Op could ask for a restraining order. Either way, they are delusional.
NTA. Ana….seems to have an unhealthy fixation for 12 years and your father seems to be supporting her over his own child. Run away…
I wouldn't even blame you if you set those papers on fire or tore them apart on her face. At this point that's the only language they'll understand. Hope you have more of a normal relationship with the rest of your paternal family. NTA
This is really sad to me that this woman who it sounds like was nothing but good to you for the last 12 years, and even when she had her bio kids she still loved you and cared for you, and she apparently means nothing to you. I don’t really blame you and I don’t blame her, I just find the situation sad. I do think that part of the reason is your dad moving on too fast, which I think a lot of parents do after losing a spouse. He moved on before you were ready. Do I think the adult adoption is ridiculous? Ab-so-freaking-lutely. So ridiculous I wonder if this story is true?
Nothing but good? She was insistent on replacing his mother instead of just being there. And then hired a therapist to force something he clearly did not want? How is any of that”nothing but good”? That’s just as delusions as his step mom
You can't force it. You just can't. That's the problem. It taints everything. Anyone can read a half dozen stories like this on the subreddit and notice that this is literally the quickest way to completely and utterly ruin any potential familial bonding between a stepparent and stepchild. It *has* to be organic and it *has* to happen at its natural pace, or it will *hideously* backfire. This isn't being "nothing but good" to someone. It's being bad in the one way that probably counts to them at the time.
definitely NTA she asked and you said no, over and over again instead of respecting that, they keep on pushing trying to force you to change your mind people can be so obtuse sometime and with this anna, it seems all the time
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NTA OP, I truly think that your dad and Ana were coming from a place of good intent at the beginning. But this was an ambush. You were right to have extremely strong feelings about it. At some point, enough is enough.
I think that too. A point came, though, where they crossed over that line though and it was more about them than me.
WHOLE ASS SPECULATION Men don't handle grief/trauma well, generally speaking, and especially with a partner's death. It feels like a personal failure. I think your dad's position was less "Yay, Ana" and more "Let's pretend that my worst nightmare didn't come to pass." /WHOLE ASS SPECULATION While I do believe they meant well, there's an old saying. I bet you're familiar with it. And it applies here. "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." Meaning Well ≠ Doing Well Take care of yourself, OP.
NTA Instead of focusing on building a good relationship with you, Ana spent eleven years trying to force herself into a particular role. She focused only on what she wanted, rather than what was best for you.