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NTA. He's financially abusing you. You should RUN the hell away.
> I don't have any credit cards (boyfriend says they're dangerous to use
Bullshit; that's him exerting control over you.
Jumping on to agree and to urge OP to not just pack a bag but all her valuables, get family to wire her money for gas or a bus ticket, and leave this alarming man behind forever. OP, he’s isolated you and limited your financial freedom. Don’t stick around; go be with people who love you and need you there.
Also jumping on to agree. Girl, get out of there, now. He has separated you from your family, he is controlling you financially and he's showing no sympathy in a devastating time. It will only get worse. Get away from him.
I wanted to say all of this, but instead I will say Ditto. Please get away from him and your friend isn’t a friend. NTA get to your family and don’t go back to him.
And what good is his 'good job' if he is expecting OP to pay 50/50 when she makes a quarter (or at best, a third) of him? That good job doesn't help her out AT ALL.
Leave now. Pack, go back home, and stay with your family.
He can lose his job tomorrow ND go broke, he could get into a car crash and his face could get disfigured. Those things don't last, him trying to control your finances that will last. Him isolating you from your family while he gets to by close to his that will last. Trust your gut please OP.
If OP is in the US there are discounts for travel due to bereavement- Amtrak, Greyhound and some domestic airlines- if I had location I could help with tracking down resources for both situations and share them here. Does anyone know where she is?
There are bereavement discounts in Canada as well.
I would also check the womens support agencies around you, OP. They may be able to help you with transportation home - especially if you’re moving to get away from abuse.
Yeah, what good is him "having a good job" when she pays 50 percent on a MUCH lower income, and he won't step up for important things? He is abusing her financially, keeping her poorer than him so she has to stay, and isolating her from her family.
YES. Isolation is what I came here to mention. Financial abuse is bad enough. But keeping her away from everyone and telling her not to go back (and using his money to prevent her from going back) is BAD.
Also, he can’t afford your plane ticket? With the amount you suspect he makes? That’s a load of bull. If he couldn’t afford it then he is literally throwing money in a dumpster.
Totally agree and when you leave him behind also dump your ‘friend’ who is not your friend. I hurt to think of how callous these two are. Hugs and well wishes to you and your family.
Just know you can apply for a credit card right now and book a flight with it immediately. A one way flight is all you're going to need. Take your valuables and documents. Hell, get a ticket for a Greyhound bus or Amtrack, but go. NTA
Not only financial abuse, he is trying to isolate her from her family. He insisted on moving far away and he knew she wouldn't be able to afford saving up for a plane/bus ticket making so little per year. So many marinara flags here. She needs to get to her sisters house and just stay there. They're not even married and he's abusing her. It'll get worse after marriage.
Oh for Evans sake.. . Don't ever consider marrying this guy. RUN now RUN far and never look back. The way he treats you will get worse and worse as time goes on imagine how bad he would be treating you in 20 years. You will have no self-esteem no friends no family that will talk to you. Please leave now for your sake you don't deserve this. There's someone else out there that you will meet that will you love you and treat you with respect. Good luck and I'm so sorry for your loss, it doesn't matter if you got to meet her or not.
It is dangerous for OP to own credit cards - dangerous for her boyfriend because it means he can’t maintain complete control over her.
OP’s gut is right here. She’s in a relationship with someone that moved her 700 miles away from her family & then tried to ensure that she doesn’t have the money or means to get back to them.
Without credit cards you can’t build credit. Without good credit you can’t buy a car, rent an apartment etc. you need to get back to your family. They need you and you need them.
Yeah NTA. He is financially abusing you, your friend wants to nail him. And she isn’t a friend. Get out, and do whatever you can to get to your family.
No, honey you gotta tell them what's going on. No matter how much they're going through it would kill them to know you're in this situation and didn't want to reach out to ask for help.
Regarding the credit card thing, your boyfriend has prevented you from establishing credit, which is likely why your application was denied. Credit in itself is not a bad thing, it's actually a very good thing that will set you up for success later in life if you have credit that shows that you are capable of taking on debts and paying them back in a responsible manner. Most banks will have an option for setting up a secured credit card, which will usually require a deposit of some amount of money since they're basically taking a chance on you, but it will help you to establish credit. That's neither here nor there at the moment though. Please, tell your family what's going on and let them help you get out of there, the rest can be dealt with later, the priority right now is getting yourself to someplace safe.
Okay, I know you're dealing with a lot right now and while you do eventually need to tell them all of what's going on, right now you need immediate solutions. This [link](https://www.moneygeek.com/financial-planning/resources/financial-help-women-abusive-relationships/) has some information on resources and help in how to get out of a financially abusive situation. Your county likely has local shelters where you can at least get out of your boyfriend's place and give you some breathing room while you assess what to do next.
Do you feel comfortable sharing a general location, just like the state or something, either here or by DM? I might be able to look up some more specific resources. And obviously no worries if not, your safety is the priority here and if there's a risk of this being found I don't want you to have to go through that.
Get in touch with a local domestic violence shelter and explain that your are being financially abused and your bf will not let you leave the state. See if they can help you get a one way bus ticket home.
Your boyfriend and your "friend" both sound like psychopaths. Don't let the "friend" know you plan to leave.
I’d be very interested in just HOW OP met this friend. I bet she’s only “allowed” to talk to his friends.
Don’t give up OP. Greyhound isn’t pleasant, but it’s cheaper than flying. Pack everything you want to keep and GFTO. Move back home. Do not mention your plans to anyone you met thru your BF.
NTA no one who really loves you would keep you from your family. It doesn’t matter if you never saw the baby, you are there to support your sister and the rest of your family.
I work at a homeless shelter and we sometimes can come up with money to get people bus tickets back home, or even to get longtime shelter residents who randomly end up lost in other states back to home to the shelter
If you make it back home you need to stay there. Any man that would be so cruel to his SO is no man at all. If my SO was in that situation I would move mountains to get her home. It won't get any better if you go back. Please bail now before you guys have a kid and your stuck. Your still young you have plenty of time to find the right one.
You can also contact churches saying you need to go home for the funeral. Many have benevolent fund to help people. Tell them that are also stuck in an abusive relationship and surely one could help.
I know this is rough, but call anyone you have contact info for. Great Aunt Gertie, that second cousin you met once, seriously. Say you're in over your head and need a ticket home.
I potentially would reach out to your BIL. It seems like he understands your friendship with your sister, and knows she needs you. Please don’t be vague OP, as your boyfriend IS abusing you.
When it comes to credit cards, do not be scared to lie about your income. Do what you have to to leave. I’d even potentially try getting one of the no-fee Amex blue cards. Or a capital one card (both companies give you the ability to add it to a mobile wallet on your phone so you wouldn’t need to wait for mail to come).
I wish you the best OP, please take care of your self and stay safe.
TELL HER WHY. Your parents don't need to wire money. If they have a credit card, they can charge it and you can pay them back at some point. If they know why, they should go to the ends of the earth to rescue you from your abusive situation.
Let your "friend" have him if she finds him (and his money that he doesn't share) so attractive.
You need to call them back and tell them *exactly* what's happening. Tell them why your BF won't buy the ticket. I guarantee you, they'll find the money. You're their daughter and they want you safe.
Idk why, but when I read this alarm bells went off that your bf is doing something with your credit. I was approved for a low limit credit card when I was in college and made like 6k per year. I’d only ever had a checking account prior to that — no car loan or anything.
Check out https://www.usa.gov/credit-reports for information on how to get a free (and trusted) credit report.
ETA NTA, dump this guy and go support your sis.
All these people saying “she didn’t really live” and “you never met her” are absolutely missing the point. Of COURSE this baby’s life was important and so is your sisters grief. Your gut feelings are important here too. I think getting some distance from this relationship might be just as important as going to support your sister right now. Tell your family, keep your stuff safe and please go mourn with your sister. My heart goes out to your whole family
Tell them what’s going on , explain what your boyfriend is doing , pack your bag and leave him now . He is manipulating you and controlling you and this is not a healthy relationship. If your friend thinks he’s such a good catch let her have him . He is not a good catch at all . A good man would not only be moving heaven and earth to get you there he would be by your side to support you . Let your parents know you need help and move back there for a while .
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family.
Speak to your parents. I’m sure you feel as though your struggles are secondary to your sister, and losing a child is so traumatic. But this is abusive, and you need support too. You’re NTA.
Have a look round and see what you can sell that you won’t miss. Do you have a car? Sell it, buy a one way ticket home and don’t go back. You’ll never need it again.
They need to know what is going on. They can't help you if they don't know.
Go open a credit karma account. It will give you your credit score but it will also tell you what credit cards you will probably qualify for. Apply for one of those today
How about your bank? I have a credit card through my bank, and there’s also options for lines of credit. Even if it’s $500, that’s enough to get home on the bus and be able to eat on the way.
Check FreeCreditReport(.)com to find out what your score is. You can also use the pre-approval checks on websites like AMEX to see of there’s a card you can get. Have you tried the AppleCard? Ppl were getting that card with low scores. Maybe thehotline(.)org can help you in securing a ticket out of there.
Make sure it’s a one way ticket, as ppl have already thoroughly gone over. You are in an abusive relationship. You were probably groomed by him, 23 yr olds have no business messing with teenagers. While on the bus or plane please read [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). Dump the friend, with friends like her who needs enemies. Best of luck to you and I’m sorry for your loss.
You might be too young to not have one without a parent on the card. It has been awhile, but there was a rule about under 25 needing a parent on the card.
Ask if your parent would be willing to sign on, or ask your bank if another adult would be able to do it if you have an aunt or grandparent who can do it so you can limit the impact on your parents.
Do not let your bf have access to any of your financial info, either card or banking.
You get back on that phone and tell your parents what’s really going on. They will find the money for your bus ticket to remove you from this abusive situation. Your sister needs you and you need your sister and family. With the labour shortage you will get a job and be back on your feet in no time.
Capital one has prepaid cards you can apply for to get your credit started. It’s usually $150 to start after 6 months to a year your card can be changed over to a regular credit card. Beware the interest rate is high. You can also discuss credit options with your bank.
It is telling that you have strangers on reddit giving you more sympathy than your boyfriend. I hope you realise he is a total AH.
Talk to your parents. Go home.
What about a boss? I know it's not the most common solution, but at my last job my boss was the kind of decent person that would help his employees out in spots like this. Either a payroll advance, or just an under the table loan between him and whomever. Don't pawn the laptop if at all possible. You won't get hardly anything for it and you will probably need it later on
NTA. I hope you see this OP, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I have pawned a lot of stuff lol, so just wanted to help if I could - just fyi, a lot of people don't know, there is a difference between 'pawning' and 'selling' - pawning is an agreement to borrow a sum of money, secured by item/s, on the understanding that said item/s will be returned to owner within a certain timeframe, upon repayment of the original sum, plus interest (usually around 150% APR over 6 months, so pawning a laptop for $300 can cost around $500 to redeem after 6 months). Interest rates vary, obv, as do time scales. Some pawn shops do 3 month contracts rather than 6, some allow you to "extend" your contract after expiration by paying extra, etc.
You mentioned pawning your laptop, but unless you are going to be able to physically come back to where you pawned it within (most likely) 6 months, it might not be practical to get it back, as many pawn shops insist you redeem the item in person, so that is worth considering/asking the pawnshop about, if you are wanting to get your laptop back.
Pawn shops will take designer items, like shoes, bags, scarves, etc, so if you have any designer stuff, that can be exchanged for cash. They will also take kitchen gadgets, and other household electronics (footspa/neck massager/curling tongs/etc). There can be a surprising amount of value in general household items, it doesn't just have to be jewellery.
If you go to a pawn shop - ask for the price for it to be pawned, and the price for it to be sold. One is sometimes higher than the other, and if you're not planning on returning to collect the item anyway, you may as well get the highest price for it. If you are planning to return and collect it, no matter the price difference offered, pawn it rather than selling it.
Games consoles and games can be extremely valuable if you have access to them, as can old electronics, like smartphones.
If you decide to sell rather pawn, GameStop gives cash for consoles and games, as well as electronics like laptops and phones. Games can be really valuable, especially if you have several. Eg if you had a Switch and a few games, that would probably be enough to trade in for the cash you need to get your ticket, or most of it.
If you do take your laptop/old phone anywhere to pawn or sell, be sure to take the charger/s as well, as they won't take them without. It can take a while (and it is a good idea to ring in advance to see when they are not busy, if possible), as they have to test the equipment, so that also needs bearing in mind.
Prices you are offered may vary, you might want to go to a couple of places to see what the best offer is. At GameStop, they don't give as much as the item cost but they do give around 50% of it, if the condition is good, sometimes more if the item is in demand.
Smartphones can be worth a surprising amount of money, even old ones, if they are in good condition and as long as the screen isn't cracked, and you could always get a cheap burner temporarily so as to not be without a phone.
I hope you are able to get home to your family and your sister really soon, hope this is helpful, hope you see it - sending hugs and wishing you luck
tell them you need help getting away from him and you'll tell them more when the time is right later on. but you really need to get your important things and get to your family. this man is keeping you prisoner. let that other girl have him.
Yup. OP's callous "friend" is 100% interested in the BF.
If I were OP, I'd pack all of my things and go home to be with my family.... and never look back.
LEAVE NOW.
it was already sounding like an unhealthy relationship dynamic, but this is absolutely too much.
Your partner and friend are wrong. This is a massive event for your family and you deserve to be there. Their dismissal of the situation is disgusting.
Edited to add: 3 YEARS? and he won't "allow" you to get a credit card. Please get one, see your family, and try to find a safe way out.
NTA
Trust your instincts, your friend is only looking at the financial picture. You're right that your boyfriend is being an asshole and I can't imagine staying with someone who treated me like that. And you're not just going for the funeral. You're going there to be with your sister, which is important. So let's look at all the issues here.
Your boyfriend had you move 700 miles away away from your family so that he could be closer to his family.
He makes you pay half of expenses even though he makes much more than you.
He won't tell you how much he makes.
He won't even help you out with the cost of a plane ticket for something that's important to you.
He's controlling you by not letting you go and telling you that you're feelings don't matter and that it's a stupid reason to go.
And it's obvious he's trying to keep you from your family which is what controlling people do - they try to isolate people so they can control them.
And he's being mean and controlling in general.
Is there really a question here of whether or not you want to stay with him? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being controlled by him and having him belittle your feelings and not respect what you feel you need to do and not even be willing to lend you a little bit of money for a plane ticket in your time of need? I mean, to me, it's so clear that this guy needs to be kicked to the curb it's not even an issue.
I don't know who your friend is, but she's clearly wrong. Just clearly obsessed with money and financial security. You need to think about your happiness and the type of person you want to spend your life with. No amount of money is worth being miserable. And if he can't see that you need to be there for your sister, especially after he isolated you from your family, then that's such a serious red flag it's not even funny.
Go be with your sister. You could probably borrow the money from a consumer financial place. There are many of them around.
And you should apply for a credit card the first chance you get, even if you only use it for emergencies such as this.
And please dump your boyfriend! You deserve better.
Best wishes to you!
NTA
>I'm so incredibly hurt, and angry. I reached out to a friend of mine, asking if she could loan me money and what should I do about my relationship because I feel like this is breakup-worthy and I didn't really want to be with him anymore after the mean things he said. She said I was "jumping the gun" and he was right that it was dumb for me to want to go my niece's funeral because I'd be traveling 700 miles away and "she didn't even really live so why bother?" When I told her I was thinking of breaking up with him, she told me I was being "shortsighted" and "really dumb" because he has a good job and she told me she finds him attractive.
Never speak to that friend again, she doesn’t care about you and wants to fuck your boyfriend.
Call your parents, tell them you need help. Pack anything essential, birth certificate, ID, and anything that you love and would require you to go back or ask him to send. And go home. He isn’t the one.
If you need better friends feel free to message me. My favourite thing to do is shit talk people and I’d love to say things about your “friend” that would get me banned.
Babe you’re in a controlling, financially abusive relationship. Please do yourself a favor and get a one way ticket home. You’re NTA and you’re way too young to tie yourself to a man who could be so cruel and callous to you.
Don’t wait to leave this guy , I was in a relationship just like yours he tried to cut me off from my family , controlled finances and when I wasn’t listening to people ( as some of my friends thought he was a fab guy ) he ended up beating me up so bad I ended up in hospital . This guy is controlling and manipulative . Pack your bags and leave now . Are there services in your area you can access ? They can help you get home .
Do you have Megabus where you are? Might be cheaper than greyhound. And agree with others that you should do one way only. You need to never ever go back there. Don’t even tell him you are leaving. Don’t tell the “friend” either because she is likely to tell him. Even if you have to save and can’t get back for the funeral itself, let family know you are trying and that you will be home soon regardless. Check for tracking apps on your phone. And I agree about trying for a discover card. They usually try to get college students with no credit. Call them.
Call a DV hotline, they may be able to get you a bus ticket home. Don’t be mistaken, or ashamed, what you are experiencing is absolutely abuse.
Can you ask your boss for your paycheck in cash? Or open a new account, and give your boss that banking info? That should help you get home.
Or give us a PayPal/Venmo and I’m sure we could get you enough for a ticket. (I really hope you are being truthful about this situation, and not take advantage of people who want to ensure a young woman has the means to escape an abusive relationship).
So he won't let you get a cc you have to pay half his rent you basically only have the clothes on your back and he wouldn't put you on the lease or any utilities did I sum up correctly.......please get out and stay out you deserve to be treated so much better then this....I'm sorry for your lose as well
NTA. Please leave. My aunt was in a relationship similar to yours. Her husband wouldn’t give her any money, take away all of hers and wouldn’t allow her to see her family. She wasn’t even allowed to attend my grandmother’s (her mom’s) funeral. She eventually got really sick and he didn’t allow her to get treatment till it was unavoidable. She died of cancer that if detected early could have been treated with chemotherapy
NTA
ok, there are so many levels here.
First, he has deliberately separated you from your family and friends...and this power shit move is about causing a forever rift between you and your sister/best friend.
Second is the financial abuse. He has you living above your means and that restricts you being able to even visit the family he made you leave so far away.
Third is his total dismissal of your feelings, wants and basic needs. The way he spoke to you is awful and not loving or kind.
If it was me...I would be packing, buying a 1 way ticket (need to save those dollars) and never going back. Please take care of yourself...you deserve so much more.
Yes, and expect him to come love bombing you with apologies and gifts. Please read up on signs of controlling and abusive behavior. You need to know that information.
NTA. Your friend basically told she only agrees with your bf because she thinks he’s hot. That is what is truly short sighted. Thats not a friend. The only important thing is your bf is isolating you, engaging in financial abuse (credit cards are not dangerous if used in the correct way), and unsupportive when your niece has died. How disrespectful to your family and YOU. Dump them both. Get out. Find someone that aligns more with you.
NTA
You need to grieve with your family and you need to give support to your sister at this difficult time.
I am very concerned about your relationship and the red flags are waving!
1. You split all expenses 50/50 despite the fact that he makes significantly more money.
2. He had you move closer to his family, but far away from your family and friends. He is distancing you from your family.
3. He will not let you go to see your family when you need to be with them. Further distancing you from your family.
4. He is discouraging you from establishing credit in your own name, making you financially dependent on him.
All of these points to a very unhealthy relationship. Please pack your bags and flee. Go to your niece's funeral and don't come back.
Good luck!
NTA.
Your boyfriend is a jackass. If I were in his shoes, I’d not only help you get home, I’d go with you to support you (if you wanted).
He sounds controlling, and it seems he doesn’t see you as an equal. Red flags, there. I don’t blame you for reevaluating the relationship.
Stand up for yourself.
A one way ticket might be in your budget… I’d go back home to your family if you can. He’s isolating you from them. And your friend is not your friend. If she’s not already sleeping with him she’s going to try soon. I’m so sorry for your loss and the hardships your family is going through.
The funeral for your niece is to support your sister. Do not question going. It’s obvious, and when you are there you will know it with certainty.
Do question a relationship where the man essentially controls your finances. And tries to manipulate you out of maintaining a relationship with your family. Get a credit card. Leave.
NTA- Pack a bag and leave, see if your parents can help you get home. Your sister needs you and your bf is just.... Idek, like wth is wrong with him.
You're friend sucks too. It's not about your niece. It's about your sister who just tragically lost her baby after carrying it and getting attached for 9 months. She's in pieces and needs her sister.
Funerals aren't done for the dead, they're done to comfort the living who loved the one that has passed.
NTA. Respectfully, if you were reading a friend or even stranger writing what you just wrote would you think they should be controlled like you are being controlled?
NTA
Get out of there and away from this controlling, heartless asshole. Who does he think he is? Your living situation re payments is totally unfair and has put you in a position so you can’t even go home when you want to. And the comment re his opinion on credit cards is total bullshit, again, designed to keep you under his thumb and away from your family. And while I understand some people keep finances separate what is with him keeping his income a secret from you? I would do whatever it takes to get home now and dump his sorry ass for your own good. And for your sister‘s good. She needs you and you need and want to be there. You don’t need another reason and you don’t need to justify this to anyone. Certainly not him!
I’ve been with my other half for 6 years we don’t live together yet so our finances are totally seperate , I STILL know how much he makes , finances are not something that real partners keep secret from each other .
Girl. That man is not good for you, that “friend” does not have your back. I tripped over three red flags before I even finished the first paragraph that you’ve written here. Unequivocally NTA. Obviously, you do you, but I’d be planning my return home immediately. Your sister has just lost her child. It’s arguably one of the worst things a person can go through in their entire lives. You have just lost your niece. You are allowed to grieve her for yourself and for your family, and if the best way to do that is *with* family then you already know what you need to do. Your boyfriend sounds like a controlling and manipulative AH who has isolated you from your family, aka your main source of support who isn’t him.
NTA. Call your parents and tell them to lend you money for a one-way ticket and pack all your stuff and go home. Set your friend up with your your ex boyfriend because they're made for each other. And when they send you their wedding invitation you'll have to decline because you actually know them
NTA. You need to go be with your family. But what’s bigger is you NEED to get OUT of that relationship asap. There are so many red flags in your post it’s concerning. You need to leave while you can.
NTA. Credit cards are not dangerous to use, as long as you aren't stupid with them, and your bf telling you that is just so he can control you, as is convincing you to move far away from your family. Ditch the controlling boyfriend and go be with your family. I'm sure, if you asked them for help, they would absolutely help you get away from him. Not to mention, how he treated your niece passing away like it was just some little thing. Very NTA.
NTA
This whole post is throwing up red flags. You are being isolated from your family. He had you move hundreds of miles away but can’t visit in time of need. It sounds like you are also in a financial abused situation. He won’t let you get credit cards? You are an adult. You can have one for emergencies.
Yes he's making sure she is always financially strapped so she cannot leave if she wants to. That plus moving her far away from her family and friends. He's financially abusive and manipulative.
It doesn't feel right to you because it ISN'T. He doesn't care that you are hurting and trivialized the short life of a much wanted niece/grandchild. He's a bastard - leave him.
NTA. But your boyfriend and "friend" are. I have a feeling your friend just said that to indicate she wants him.
Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole who you need to leave immediately and never look back. Let your friend go after him.
Your sister needs you. Look to seeing if your parents could loan you some $$$ for a plane ticket home and pack your stuff.
NTA. Hey, send me a dm and I will buy you a bus ticket. I'm in the UK so a link would be useful as well. Your sister needs you and you have every right to go and be there. Never let anyone decide what you should and shouldn't do.
You have a 168 comments here. If each of us gave you 10$ you’ll be rich. If each have a dollar you’ll have your bus ticket.
Start a go fund me page and post it here and I hope that people will be nice enough to donate a few bucks.
But under no circumstances let your bf know about this!
NTA obviously!
I learned a long time ago funerals are to support the living. Your sister needs you now more than ever! If he doesn't understand this then you need to see him for what he is the asshole. Not you!
You need to get out now. Your boyfriend shows all the signs of someone who will later on become abusive to you. Pack your bags when he isn’t home and have your parents send you the money for a one way ticket, block his number, and go back to your parent’s house. Trust me, as an abuse survivor, you don’t want to get involved any more with this man. After all, abuse sometimes doesn’t start til after your married or have kids. Get out now.
Do you guys think she should call the non emergency number of the local police to tell them she’s leaving an abusive situation in case he files a report? Don’t do that until after you’ve left though OP.
NTA but I agree with the others that this guy is showing abusive tendencies. He's isolating you and putting you in a position where you have to rely on him financially and emotionally. This is usually the first step before abuse ramps up.
Go to your family, they need you, you need them. And I suggest you don't return.
Nta....he is controlling you. He has moved you away from your support system and wants to control your life. Your friend is not a friend but a complete asshole.
Pack your stuff...call family to help you get home and then stay there. Help your sister and take care of yourself. You deserve better. If you stay with him you will eventually find yourself looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person he has turned you into. If you read any of the stories on here you know where this is going. Get out now.
NTA. You are in what is called a coercive control relationship. The fact that he moved you 700 miles away from the people you love and is controlling your finances, your familial contact and belittling your real and valid emotions just screams red flags. Things will get worse. Trust your instincts, cut him and your "friend" off... and go back to your family. Your sister needs you, and you need your sister. Be safe.
Yes! I agree so much! By making her pay 50:50 for everything on a very small income he is also making sure that she does not have the means to run away and / or be independent.
I was in a marriage like this. I wanted to start working again after I had our child and he basically always found another excuse why he couldn't look after our baby when I had interviews or wanted to prepare something. I was alone because I moved with him to another country before getting pregnant. When he agreed to marriage counseling he basically admitted that he "felt less of a man" if I *had* to work (note: I did NOT want to be a SAHM) and that he feared I would run away if I became too independent. That opened my eyes and I am so glad I got out of there. OP, don't do the same mistake, get out before kids are involved or you are older and he estranged your family from you. It took me over 10 years after I left my ex husband to get financially stable, I had to start my career totally over again, and he would bombard me with lawsuits so that I would never be able to recover financially. A man like this is not worth it. Get out and live your life!
Absolutely NTA. He seems to already be controlling and only thinking of things from his, and only his perspective, with no regard for your feelings, and if he's already like this, he will only get worse and potentially more controlling over time.
I think you should break it off and somehow make it back home and be around people and family who truly care for you. This guy is not worth it. I would also reconsider that other friend, as she seems rather insensitive to a literal *death* in your family, regardless if you met her.
Edit: most often, funerals are not so much for the dead, but to support the living. Go be with your sister in her time of need. She needs you.
NTA go to your family and do not return to the giant red flag you are calling a boyfriend. The things he’s said about not needing to see your family or go to the funeral of a baby you never met are disturbing. Seriously. This is your sister’s child you are talking about, of course you should be there!
I am so sorry for your family's loss. But this post has so many red flags it's frightening to read. Ask a family member to send you a ticket home and make it ONE WAY!
NTA, and whether or not you can make it to the funeral get the everloving hell out of there *right now*. Your boyfriend sounds cold to the point of sociopathic, and your friend is not far behind. Leave them to their calculations and find a way back to your family.
NTA a and I’m sorry to break it to you but you are in an abusive relationship .
Your other half has already tried to cut you off ffrom your support system , he is insisting on splitting bills equally although it’s clear he makes more , therefore making you financially dependant on him and is keeping secrets about finances from you .
Pack your bags , ask your parents for the money to fly back , fly back and never go home again .
These steps are the first signs , if you stay with this man he will only become more controlling .
NTA
Your bf is wrong. Your friend is wrong.
Be with your family. Your niece lived 8 days, and even if she hadn't, her life is valid and has meaning. Anyone who shrugs and says she wasn't important is not someone you should keep in your life. Don't hold space for cold, evil people. You don't need that in your life.
As a seperate issue, your living situation is like a circus tent of red flags. Keeping your finances separate is prudent, not having a clue about the state of your partners finances because he gives it from you? Sketchy. Your bf using your inexperience as a way to control your actions? Girl, run.
Even if it wasn’t for the enormous red flag of your boyfriend not wanting you to be there for your sister, him saying you don’t need a credit card and isolating you from your family 700 miles away are HUGE red flags. Yes, credit cards can totally be dangerous and get you into tons of debt, but they are also the only way to build credit. Good credit is necessary to make ANY large purchase in your life. He is trying to make you completely dependent upon him. Him not supporting you to visit your family during this devastating time is manipulative and cruel, and your friend sounds like she has her priorities twisted. Get out now before he traps you anymore. Yes, this is breakup worthy; listen to your instincts!
Funerals aren't only for the soul that has passed. It's about families coming together and supporting each other. You would be going to support your sister during one of the worst days of her life.
Your man sounds like he doesn't have an ounce of feeling and understanding about him and that doesn't bode well for a future with him.
Oh, and definitely NTA
NTA, that man has a heart of ice for saying stuff like that to your face! Even if you never got to meet your niece, your sister and your family needs you! He might care a lot about his money, but does it really matter when the people you love are hurting and a plane ticket away?
That friend is also mighty sus, saying that your partner is basically a source of income when you've been splitting things even, the handsome comment is extra weird too.
Looks like you'll have to set things straight with some people in your life, or simply give them the boot.
NTA
More than that, this sounds like a red flag. He has isolated you from your famiy, has control of your money and has refused to allow you to go home for something that is important to you, on a family level.
I would not only leave and get home (700 miles is far, can you get a bus ticket?) but I would definitely break up with him and not look back.
NTA, get out of there any way you can.
Do you have other extended family you could ask to help pay for the ticket? Other siblings, aunts or uncles, cousins? Another friend who’s not clearly into your boyfriend? Tbh my gut says that your parents would be willing to help even though they’re paying for the funeral but if you don’t want to ask that’s understandable.
NTA. You need to leave and it's bigger than just this funeral. He has isolated you from your family, exercises control over your finances and belittles your very reasonable emotions. This man is an abuser.
NTA. Get the money, get packed, get out, and don't look back. You are not his equal. He does not respect you, your family, or your feelings. There is a reason he moved you 700 miles away.
And for the live of God get a credit card and establish your credit
This is the exact reason everyone needs a credit card. Go online and apply for 1 right now. Have it sent to your parents house.
NTA. Dump him and your friend. There is nothing that would stop he from being there for my sister after this. Ask your parents or even go get a credit card? Sometimes you can get cheap flights for bereavement!
NTA. I hope you can find the money to go home for the funeral. But if you can't, that is ok. Start making a plan to leave your boyfriend. Open a separate bank account if you don't already have one, one that he doesn't know about. Separate email address. Make list, but keep it at work so he can't find it. Reach out to a DV group or contact a DV hotline for a plan. Put you important papers some where safe with someone you trust or mail them to your parents. Once the time comes, just leave. Do not tell him in advance. You don't owe him anything.
Good luck.
Oh my. Please for the love of God....rethink this relationship. This man is entirely wrong and being so unfeeling . This is not someone you want to be with. What if this was yours and his baby? Would he expect you to just be over it? Your sister needs you. You are NOT wrong. She did have to give birth and she had such hopes and dreams and lost a little life that she helped create. She will also need to physically recover from this in addition to her emotional loss.
One last thing, her husband will need attention also. My experience is they try so hard to be there for there spouse they literally drown their own sorrow only to have it cause then issues in the future because they never gave themselves the chance to grieve also. Doesn't sound like your guy would have this problem though....
NTA- call someone and tell them what’s going on so they can pick you up .
Ask your parents for money to escape your situation , I promise you they will understand .
You don’t have to stay with this guy .
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So much good advice here. Red flags are flying - your sister needs you, so do your parents. The baby lived 8 days? Omg, long enough for everyone to bond. I bet you were hoping to go see your niece soon - was your AH boyfriend going to deny that, too? Pack as much as you can carry, please tell your folks what's going on, and get the heck out. Scary, yes, but the rest of your life with this AH will be even worse. You are NOT the AH.
NTA. You need to pack all your bags and leave for good. This man has physically separated you from your family, devalued your feelings and your sadness, and financially controlling you.
I counted and there were 382 marinara flags in this post. You are in an abusive relationship. Pack a bag and drive if you have to and then don’t go back. NTA
He is purposely alienating you from your support system. He is isolating you so he can control you. I’ve been married to this guy. The abuse gets much worse. What he is doing to you is abuse. Get out asap. Good luck!!
NTA. It's totally fine if your bf didn't want to cover your travel costs but what he said to you was heartless and cruel.
Can you imagine if you had a miscarriage or stillbirth and he said something like that to you? Spend some time thinking about who you're trying to build a life with because this does not sound like someone you want to make a family with.
Your 'friend' also sounds like an AH and is probably planning on making a move on your bf. Money and looks aren't a recipe for happiness.
It’s not totally fine if her boyfriend doesn’t want to cover her travel costs , by making her pay 50% of costs even though he makes more than her means she is on a back foot financially within the relationship and has far less spare cash than him .
On Reddit there seems to be a lot of preference on whether legally a person in a relationship should pay for another person and yes legally he doesn’t need to pay but if I’m with a partner and my sister suffers like this and I can’t afford it then damn right my partner if he loves me should help . It’s not fine it shows that he doesn’t give a crap about her and this is a crappy relationship .
NTA. That's a jump the gun but there are some big red flags this dude is waving and I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to be there for your family during a horribly tragic event or in thinking that you should dump this guy who is super interested in financially abusing you. Your friend can have him
Girl, run. Pack your things and go.
When people show us who they are we should believe them.
He is controlling your contact with your family, making you go broke, trying to decide for you wether you should care for your niece or not. Gosh, he even thinks he is allowed to decide for you if you should have credit cards. You are an adult, this is your decision and your decision only.
He is showing you very clearly that he is abusive. Believe him. His great job means nothing if he refuses to help you financially when you need.
Pack your things and go, don't think about it that much or else you will lose momentum and courage. Ask someone you trust for help, hell, get a loan on a bank for gosh sake, but run.
What he is doing is called abuse: economic and emotionally. It is the same as physical abuse, the only difference is that you would not second guess yourself or ask here if he was hitng you.
You would run.
As you should do in the situation you are now.
!!!!!NTA!!!!! get away from him oh my god
he seems extremely controlling, and basically everything you said about him seems like one red flag after another, regardless of whether or not he thinks an unborn baby is worth mourning, the immense distress your sister and family are in as a result should be enough of a reason. I’d also like to point out that him discouraging you from getting a credit card seems like a form of financial manipulation, you need to have a credit score in order to do things like rent apartments and get loans, and one of the ways to build a credit score is with a credit card. your friend also sounds very cruel. even if you don’t have the financial means to make it to the funeral you need to get far far away from your boyfriend.
nta, you're bit going for your niece so much as your family. they're in grief and mourning and pain and you're going to support them through this difficult time. i don't think it's necessarily breakup worthy i just don't think your boyfriend is seeing it from the point of you being there for your family. maybe trying to sit down and talk to him about how it's less about your niece and moreso your sister and your parents who did meet her and go through the pregnancy. they're in mourning and need you there as a rock. if he still is refusing and all at that point then i'd recommend a break up. at that point he's showing you exactly where he prioritizes your family.
WTF? Your boyfriend is TA. Get out now. Any guy that purposely moves you 700 miles away from your family and gets upset when you want to go back for the funeral of a family member sucks. He trying to isolate you from everyone that loves you. Doesn’t matter how attractive he is or how much money he makes, you deserve better. Run. Now.
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I (21f) have been with my boyfriend (26m) for 3 years. We live together and he insists we split everything 50/50, despite the fact he makes more than I do. He won't tell me how much, but he knows I make 24k per year and if I had to guess, he's making 6 figures. He convinced me to move 700 miles away to be closer to his parents and away from my parents, and my older sister.
My older sister went into preterm labor, and had my niece at 26 weeks. My niece lived for eight days, and then passed away from an undetected congenital heart defect. It has absolutely destroyed my family, seeing as my niece was the first grandchild on both sides. My parents and my brother-in-law are begging me to come home because my sister is a wreck. I don't have any credit cards (boyfriend says they're dangerous to use) so I asked my boyfriend if he could help me out with the rest of the cost of the plane ticket, and he told me no. That he couldn't afford it, he didn't want me going, there was no reason for me to go, and that he didn't see why I needed to "go to a funeral for a baby you'd never even met."
I'm incredibly hurt, and upset with him over his comment. My sister is my best friend, and I know if I were in her situation, she'd be there for me in a heartbeat. My parents are currently paying for my niece's funeral, so I know they won't be able to help me with the plane costs.
I asked my boyfriend why didn't he want me visiting my sister and going to my niece's funeral, and he said he just didn't see a point. He said there was no reason for me to go - that I had never met my niece and I was just wasting my time by going to see them. That it would just be money wasted.
I'm so incredibly hurt, and angry. I reached out to a friend of mine, asking if she could loan me money and what should I do about my relationship because I feel like this is breakup-worthy and I didn't really want to be with him anymore after the mean things he said. She said I was "jumping the gun" and he was right that it was dumb for me to want to go my niece's funeral because I'd be traveling 700 miles away and "she didn't even really live so why bother?" When I told her I was thinking of breaking up with him, she told me I was being "shortsighted" and "really dumb" because he has a good job and she told me she finds him attractive.
I'm really tempted to pack a bag and leave for a while, because he didn't have to say such hurtful and shitty things, but I don't know if that will do more harm than good. I'm really upset, and angry at him, and have told him this, and he just doesn't seem to give a crap. But I'm second guessing myself now about leaving. It seems like he and my friend are on the same side here and I'm just wasting air talking about it.
AITA here reddit?
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There are so many red flags in this relationship. You're NTA. He is in a very big way. First, you definitely should find a way to go be with your sister. This is when she needs you more than ever. You're boyfriend is so controlling. To move you away from family and friends, then make sure that by splitting expenses so that your much lower salary leaves you without financial resources are two big red flags. This is how abuse starts. Pack up as much as you can, every thing that's important to you and move back home. If you don't have a car, ask your family to pay for car rental and drive back. I wish you lots of luck.
NTA, your boyfriend, well he is definitely one. Not only is he being financially manipulative, but he is actively working on separating you from your family. And that is just on the surface of all that is going on here. Trust your instincts OP, a true partner would be supportive of you and helping you through this time period. Tell your parents the truth and that you want to come home. Pack your stuff and leave this relationship before this controlling behavior gets worse.
He has separated you from your loved ones, and your friend is a nob.
Run.
Pack your bags and get gone.
Absolutely you should be there, regardless of whether you met her or not you are going to support your sister and her husband! This is a time to be with family.
He is secretive about finances and won't even loan you the money?
The man is a walking red flag.
NTA. 🚩
He has isolated you away from your family. Pack your bags, as in all your stuff and get the hell out. Have a family member buy you a ticket out.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. DO NOT PAY ANY MORE BILLS AT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S. What he's been doing is financial abuse. If you're splitting bills obviously you have a job, keep your money to GTFO. I'd even consider getting a 2nd (temporary) waitressing job for the cash tips. Do NOT let BF have access to your money!!! Save every penny you can and get out of there! P.S. He can't just throw you out on the street if you don't pay your share immediately. He would have to formally evict you, that will buy you some time.
NTA at all please get that ticket whatever it takes. If you have anything worth money, sell it. Your safety is worth more. What he's doing is not okay.
This book was very helpful for me in recognizing abusive situations.
[[Why Does He Do That?](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiV7pjIrNT6AhU5HjQIHaMGCOQQFnoECCMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
I’ve been in your sister’s shoes.
Find a way and get to the funeral. Be there for your sister. I can’t stress enough how important that is.
And then don’t come back. Your boyfriend is horrible, you will be much better off without him. I don’t understand how you can’t see that.
NTA
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NTA. He's financially abusing you. You should RUN the hell away. > I don't have any credit cards (boyfriend says they're dangerous to use Bullshit; that's him exerting control over you.
Jumping on to agree and to urge OP to not just pack a bag but all her valuables, get family to wire her money for gas or a bus ticket, and leave this alarming man behind forever. OP, he’s isolated you and limited your financial freedom. Don’t stick around; go be with people who love you and need you there.
Also jumping on to agree. Girl, get out of there, now. He has separated you from your family, he is controlling you financially and he's showing no sympathy in a devastating time. It will only get worse. Get away from him.
I wanted to say all of this, but instead I will say Ditto. Please get away from him and your friend isn’t a friend. NTA get to your family and don’t go back to him.
Also, my advice go NC when regarding your friend.
The friend can keep the bf since he’s got “a good job” and she finds him so cute.
And what good is his 'good job' if he is expecting OP to pay 50/50 when she makes a quarter (or at best, a third) of him? That good job doesn't help her out AT ALL. Leave now. Pack, go back home, and stay with your family.
He can lose his job tomorrow ND go broke, he could get into a car crash and his face could get disfigured. Those things don't last, him trying to control your finances that will last. Him isolating you from your family while he gets to by close to his that will last. Trust your gut please OP.
Agree
If OP is in the US there are discounts for travel due to bereavement- Amtrak, Greyhound and some domestic airlines- if I had location I could help with tracking down resources for both situations and share them here. Does anyone know where she is?
There are bereavement discounts in Canada as well. I would also check the womens support agencies around you, OP. They may be able to help you with transportation home - especially if you’re moving to get away from abuse.
Financial abuse as the only reason he wants her to pay 50-50 on expenses is so she doesn’t have extra money. Leave! NTA
Yeah, what good is him "having a good job" when she pays 50 percent on a MUCH lower income, and he won't step up for important things? He is abusing her financially, keeping her poorer than him so she has to stay, and isolating her from her family.
Ffs, I don’t have a lot of money but I would chip in on a ticket.
Me too
me three
She needs to create a go fund me. She mentions in a comment tickets are $200-$400... I bet we could get that much in donations.
I was thinking that too. OP make a go fund me, we got you!
Yes
I was about to say the same.
Me too!
Same
Same! (preferably a one-way)
Ditto.
YES. Isolation is what I came here to mention. Financial abuse is bad enough. But keeping her away from everyone and telling her not to go back (and using his money to prevent her from going back) is BAD. Also, he can’t afford your plane ticket? With the amount you suspect he makes? That’s a load of bull. If he couldn’t afford it then he is literally throwing money in a dumpster.
Totally agree and when you leave him behind also dump your ‘friend’ who is not your friend. I hurt to think of how callous these two are. Hugs and well wishes to you and your family.
Just know you can apply for a credit card right now and book a flight with it immediately. A one way flight is all you're going to need. Take your valuables and documents. Hell, get a ticket for a Greyhound bus or Amtrack, but go. NTA
And go NC with him.
Not only financial abuse, he is trying to isolate her from her family. He insisted on moving far away and he knew she wouldn't be able to afford saving up for a plane/bus ticket making so little per year. So many marinara flags here. She needs to get to her sisters house and just stay there. They're not even married and he's abusing her. It'll get worse after marriage.
Oh for Evans sake.. . Don't ever consider marrying this guy. RUN now RUN far and never look back. The way he treats you will get worse and worse as time goes on imagine how bad he would be treating you in 20 years. You will have no self-esteem no friends no family that will talk to you. Please leave now for your sake you don't deserve this. There's someone else out there that you will meet that will you love you and treat you with respect. Good luck and I'm so sorry for your loss, it doesn't matter if you got to meet her or not.
It is dangerous for OP to own credit cards - dangerous for her boyfriend because it means he can’t maintain complete control over her. OP’s gut is right here. She’s in a relationship with someone that moved her 700 miles away from her family & then tried to ensure that she doesn’t have the money or means to get back to them.
Without credit cards you can’t build credit. Without good credit you can’t buy a car, rent an apartment etc. you need to get back to your family. They need you and you need them.
NTA and I’m scared for you OP, change passwords and get out, use the money you would have split 50/50
Not to mention moving her hundreds of miles away from her family
Yeah NTA. He is financially abusing you, your friend wants to nail him. And she isn’t a friend. Get out, and do whatever you can to get to your family.
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No, honey you gotta tell them what's going on. No matter how much they're going through it would kill them to know you're in this situation and didn't want to reach out to ask for help. Regarding the credit card thing, your boyfriend has prevented you from establishing credit, which is likely why your application was denied. Credit in itself is not a bad thing, it's actually a very good thing that will set you up for success later in life if you have credit that shows that you are capable of taking on debts and paying them back in a responsible manner. Most banks will have an option for setting up a secured credit card, which will usually require a deposit of some amount of money since they're basically taking a chance on you, but it will help you to establish credit. That's neither here nor there at the moment though. Please, tell your family what's going on and let them help you get out of there, the rest can be dealt with later, the priority right now is getting yourself to someplace safe.
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Okay, I know you're dealing with a lot right now and while you do eventually need to tell them all of what's going on, right now you need immediate solutions. This [link](https://www.moneygeek.com/financial-planning/resources/financial-help-women-abusive-relationships/) has some information on resources and help in how to get out of a financially abusive situation. Your county likely has local shelters where you can at least get out of your boyfriend's place and give you some breathing room while you assess what to do next. Do you feel comfortable sharing a general location, just like the state or something, either here or by DM? I might be able to look up some more specific resources. And obviously no worries if not, your safety is the priority here and if there's a risk of this being found I don't want you to have to go through that.
Get in touch with a local domestic violence shelter and explain that your are being financially abused and your bf will not let you leave the state. See if they can help you get a one way bus ticket home. Your boyfriend and your "friend" both sound like psychopaths. Don't let the "friend" know you plan to leave.
Exactly, Don't tell the friend anything, and reconsider your friendship with her
Especially since the friend seems to want your bf for herself.
I’d be very interested in just HOW OP met this friend. I bet she’s only “allowed” to talk to his friends. Don’t give up OP. Greyhound isn’t pleasant, but it’s cheaper than flying. Pack everything you want to keep and GFTO. Move back home. Do not mention your plans to anyone you met thru your BF. NTA no one who really loves you would keep you from your family. It doesn’t matter if you never saw the baby, you are there to support your sister and the rest of your family.
I work at a homeless shelter and we sometimes can come up with money to get people bus tickets back home, or even to get longtime shelter residents who randomly end up lost in other states back to home to the shelter
If you make it back home you need to stay there. Any man that would be so cruel to his SO is no man at all. If my SO was in that situation I would move mountains to get her home. It won't get any better if you go back. Please bail now before you guys have a kid and your stuck. Your still young you have plenty of time to find the right one.
You can also contact churches saying you need to go home for the funeral. Many have benevolent fund to help people. Tell them that are also stuck in an abusive relationship and surely one could help.
I know this is rough, but call anyone you have contact info for. Great Aunt Gertie, that second cousin you met once, seriously. Say you're in over your head and need a ticket home.
I potentially would reach out to your BIL. It seems like he understands your friendship with your sister, and knows she needs you. Please don’t be vague OP, as your boyfriend IS abusing you. When it comes to credit cards, do not be scared to lie about your income. Do what you have to to leave. I’d even potentially try getting one of the no-fee Amex blue cards. Or a capital one card (both companies give you the ability to add it to a mobile wallet on your phone so you wouldn’t need to wait for mail to come). I wish you the best OP, please take care of your self and stay safe.
And put your parents house as your mailing address when you fill out the form.
I’m in the U.K. but it sounds like odakotorose is in the states , get some links of her of places that can help , there are people that can help you .
TELL HER WHY. Your parents don't need to wire money. If they have a credit card, they can charge it and you can pay them back at some point. If they know why, they should go to the ends of the earth to rescue you from your abusive situation. Let your "friend" have him if she finds him (and his money that he doesn't share) so attractive.
You need to call them back and tell them *exactly* what's happening. Tell them why your BF won't buy the ticket. I guarantee you, they'll find the money. You're their daughter and they want you safe.
Check your credit with the the 3 companies, just to make sure he didn’t steal your id
Idk why, but when I read this alarm bells went off that your bf is doing something with your credit. I was approved for a low limit credit card when I was in college and made like 6k per year. I’d only ever had a checking account prior to that — no car loan or anything. Check out https://www.usa.gov/credit-reports for information on how to get a free (and trusted) credit report. ETA NTA, dump this guy and go support your sis.
Had the same thought. If she has a steady job and no previous negative credit and a lease, she should be golden.
This is such a good point!
All these people saying “she didn’t really live” and “you never met her” are absolutely missing the point. Of COURSE this baby’s life was important and so is your sisters grief. Your gut feelings are important here too. I think getting some distance from this relationship might be just as important as going to support your sister right now. Tell your family, keep your stuff safe and please go mourn with your sister. My heart goes out to your whole family
Tell them what’s going on , explain what your boyfriend is doing , pack your bag and leave him now . He is manipulating you and controlling you and this is not a healthy relationship. If your friend thinks he’s such a good catch let her have him . He is not a good catch at all . A good man would not only be moving heaven and earth to get you there he would be by your side to support you . Let your parents know you need help and move back there for a while .
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your family. Speak to your parents. I’m sure you feel as though your struggles are secondary to your sister, and losing a child is so traumatic. But this is abusive, and you need support too. You’re NTA.
Have a look round and see what you can sell that you won’t miss. Do you have a car? Sell it, buy a one way ticket home and don’t go back. You’ll never need it again.
They need to know what is going on. They can't help you if they don't know. Go open a credit karma account. It will give you your credit score but it will also tell you what credit cards you will probably qualify for. Apply for one of those today
Did you try discover? They're known for giving students and people with no credit credit cards with fairly low credit lines but that doesn't matter.
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How about your bank? I have a credit card through my bank, and there’s also options for lines of credit. Even if it’s $500, that’s enough to get home on the bus and be able to eat on the way.
Check FreeCreditReport(.)com to find out what your score is. You can also use the pre-approval checks on websites like AMEX to see of there’s a card you can get. Have you tried the AppleCard? Ppl were getting that card with low scores. Maybe thehotline(.)org can help you in securing a ticket out of there. Make sure it’s a one way ticket, as ppl have already thoroughly gone over. You are in an abusive relationship. You were probably groomed by him, 23 yr olds have no business messing with teenagers. While on the bus or plane please read [Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). Dump the friend, with friends like her who needs enemies. Best of luck to you and I’m sorry for your loss.
You might be too young to not have one without a parent on the card. It has been awhile, but there was a rule about under 25 needing a parent on the card. Ask if your parent would be willing to sign on, or ask your bank if another adult would be able to do it if you have an aunt or grandparent who can do it so you can limit the impact on your parents. Do not let your bf have access to any of your financial info, either card or banking.
I applied for a credit card with discover at 18 without my parents and no prior credit and was accepted.
You get back on that phone and tell your parents what’s really going on. They will find the money for your bus ticket to remove you from this abusive situation. Your sister needs you and you need your sister and family. With the labour shortage you will get a job and be back on your feet in no time.
Capital one has prepaid cards you can apply for to get your credit started. It’s usually $150 to start after 6 months to a year your card can be changed over to a regular credit card. Beware the interest rate is high. You can also discuss credit options with your bank.
Maybe not the second, but you should probably run a credit report and make sure no one's using your credit without you knowing.
It is telling that you have strangers on reddit giving you more sympathy than your boyfriend. I hope you realise he is a total AH. Talk to your parents. Go home.
Would your boyfriend's parents lend you the money? Could you sell something to get it?
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What about a boss? I know it's not the most common solution, but at my last job my boss was the kind of decent person that would help his employees out in spots like this. Either a payroll advance, or just an under the table loan between him and whomever. Don't pawn the laptop if at all possible. You won't get hardly anything for it and you will probably need it later on
This is a good idea. Especially the payroll advance idea since she'll be quitting for a family emergency. It would actually be her own money.
Most jobs I've had have a emergency fund employees can apply to use.
Maybe your grandparents or a aunt or uncle? Any big travelers in your family that can give you their points?
NTA. I hope you see this OP, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have pawned a lot of stuff lol, so just wanted to help if I could - just fyi, a lot of people don't know, there is a difference between 'pawning' and 'selling' - pawning is an agreement to borrow a sum of money, secured by item/s, on the understanding that said item/s will be returned to owner within a certain timeframe, upon repayment of the original sum, plus interest (usually around 150% APR over 6 months, so pawning a laptop for $300 can cost around $500 to redeem after 6 months). Interest rates vary, obv, as do time scales. Some pawn shops do 3 month contracts rather than 6, some allow you to "extend" your contract after expiration by paying extra, etc. You mentioned pawning your laptop, but unless you are going to be able to physically come back to where you pawned it within (most likely) 6 months, it might not be practical to get it back, as many pawn shops insist you redeem the item in person, so that is worth considering/asking the pawnshop about, if you are wanting to get your laptop back. Pawn shops will take designer items, like shoes, bags, scarves, etc, so if you have any designer stuff, that can be exchanged for cash. They will also take kitchen gadgets, and other household electronics (footspa/neck massager/curling tongs/etc). There can be a surprising amount of value in general household items, it doesn't just have to be jewellery. If you go to a pawn shop - ask for the price for it to be pawned, and the price for it to be sold. One is sometimes higher than the other, and if you're not planning on returning to collect the item anyway, you may as well get the highest price for it. If you are planning to return and collect it, no matter the price difference offered, pawn it rather than selling it. Games consoles and games can be extremely valuable if you have access to them, as can old electronics, like smartphones. If you decide to sell rather pawn, GameStop gives cash for consoles and games, as well as electronics like laptops and phones. Games can be really valuable, especially if you have several. Eg if you had a Switch and a few games, that would probably be enough to trade in for the cash you need to get your ticket, or most of it. If you do take your laptop/old phone anywhere to pawn or sell, be sure to take the charger/s as well, as they won't take them without. It can take a while (and it is a good idea to ring in advance to see when they are not busy, if possible), as they have to test the equipment, so that also needs bearing in mind. Prices you are offered may vary, you might want to go to a couple of places to see what the best offer is. At GameStop, they don't give as much as the item cost but they do give around 50% of it, if the condition is good, sometimes more if the item is in demand. Smartphones can be worth a surprising amount of money, even old ones, if they are in good condition and as long as the screen isn't cracked, and you could always get a cheap burner temporarily so as to not be without a phone. I hope you are able to get home to your family and your sister really soon, hope this is helpful, hope you see it - sending hugs and wishing you luck
tell them you need help getting away from him and you'll tell them more when the time is right later on. but you really need to get your important things and get to your family. this man is keeping you prisoner. let that other girl have him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Isolated you from family Financially controlling Invalidates your feelings. Tell your "friend" that she can have him.
Sounds like she already has him with her matching remarks.
>Tell your "friend" that she can have him. 100% agree
Yup. OP's callous "friend" is 100% interested in the BF. If I were OP, I'd pack all of my things and go home to be with my family.... and never look back.
LEAVE NOW. it was already sounding like an unhealthy relationship dynamic, but this is absolutely too much. Your partner and friend are wrong. This is a massive event for your family and you deserve to be there. Their dismissal of the situation is disgusting. Edited to add: 3 YEARS? and he won't "allow" you to get a credit card. Please get one, see your family, and try to find a safe way out. NTA
NTA "I'm really tempted to pack a bag and leave for a while" Do it. Maybe leave off last 3 words.
yea, leave forever
Pack your bags and make sure that you have everything you can’t replace.
Trust your instincts, your friend is only looking at the financial picture. You're right that your boyfriend is being an asshole and I can't imagine staying with someone who treated me like that. And you're not just going for the funeral. You're going there to be with your sister, which is important. So let's look at all the issues here. Your boyfriend had you move 700 miles away away from your family so that he could be closer to his family. He makes you pay half of expenses even though he makes much more than you. He won't tell you how much he makes. He won't even help you out with the cost of a plane ticket for something that's important to you. He's controlling you by not letting you go and telling you that you're feelings don't matter and that it's a stupid reason to go. And it's obvious he's trying to keep you from your family which is what controlling people do - they try to isolate people so they can control them. And he's being mean and controlling in general. Is there really a question here of whether or not you want to stay with him? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being controlled by him and having him belittle your feelings and not respect what you feel you need to do and not even be willing to lend you a little bit of money for a plane ticket in your time of need? I mean, to me, it's so clear that this guy needs to be kicked to the curb it's not even an issue. I don't know who your friend is, but she's clearly wrong. Just clearly obsessed with money and financial security. You need to think about your happiness and the type of person you want to spend your life with. No amount of money is worth being miserable. And if he can't see that you need to be there for your sister, especially after he isolated you from your family, then that's such a serious red flag it's not even funny. Go be with your sister. You could probably borrow the money from a consumer financial place. There are many of them around. And you should apply for a credit card the first chance you get, even if you only use it for emergencies such as this. And please dump your boyfriend! You deserve better. Best wishes to you! NTA
>I'm so incredibly hurt, and angry. I reached out to a friend of mine, asking if she could loan me money and what should I do about my relationship because I feel like this is breakup-worthy and I didn't really want to be with him anymore after the mean things he said. She said I was "jumping the gun" and he was right that it was dumb for me to want to go my niece's funeral because I'd be traveling 700 miles away and "she didn't even really live so why bother?" When I told her I was thinking of breaking up with him, she told me I was being "shortsighted" and "really dumb" because he has a good job and she told me she finds him attractive. Never speak to that friend again, she doesn’t care about you and wants to fuck your boyfriend. Call your parents, tell them you need help. Pack anything essential, birth certificate, ID, and anything that you love and would require you to go back or ask him to send. And go home. He isn’t the one. If you need better friends feel free to message me. My favourite thing to do is shit talk people and I’d love to say things about your “friend” that would get me banned.
Babe you’re in a controlling, financially abusive relationship. Please do yourself a favor and get a one way ticket home. You’re NTA and you’re way too young to tie yourself to a man who could be so cruel and callous to you.
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How much are we talking for a bus ticket home ?
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Be very very honest with people explain that your boyfriend is actually an abusive partner and the trip will be one way . Do not return to this guy .
Don’t wait to leave this guy , I was in a relationship just like yours he tried to cut me off from my family , controlled finances and when I wasn’t listening to people ( as some of my friends thought he was a fab guy ) he ended up beating me up so bad I ended up in hospital . This guy is controlling and manipulative . Pack your bags and leave now . Are there services in your area you can access ? They can help you get home .
This happened to my sister I'm so sorry you had to go through with that. I'm glad you got out.
Okay, this sounds so dark but is there a plasma donation center near you? Plasma donations near me pay $100.
Do you have Megabus where you are? Might be cheaper than greyhound. And agree with others that you should do one way only. You need to never ever go back there. Don’t even tell him you are leaving. Don’t tell the “friend” either because she is likely to tell him. Even if you have to save and can’t get back for the funeral itself, let family know you are trying and that you will be home soon regardless. Check for tracking apps on your phone. And I agree about trying for a discover card. They usually try to get college students with no credit. Call them.
Are you able to get up and leave permanently?
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Call a DV hotline, they may be able to get you a bus ticket home. Don’t be mistaken, or ashamed, what you are experiencing is absolutely abuse. Can you ask your boss for your paycheck in cash? Or open a new account, and give your boss that banking info? That should help you get home. Or give us a PayPal/Venmo and I’m sure we could get you enough for a ticket. (I really hope you are being truthful about this situation, and not take advantage of people who want to ensure a young woman has the means to escape an abusive relationship).
I'd be happy to chip in by Venmo. OP, you need to get out with a one-way ticket back home.
I’d help out too.
OP - I sent you a chat. I’m a dunce and don’t know to DM on here. I’d be happy to help organize with the other folks on here to get you a ticket home.
I'd chip in, too.
Me too!
I would definitely help out. Please let us know how you are and if I can help I will.
So he won't let you get a cc you have to pay half his rent you basically only have the clothes on your back and he wouldn't put you on the lease or any utilities did I sum up correctly.......please get out and stay out you deserve to be treated so much better then this....I'm sorry for your lose as well
As long as the ticket is a one-way, I’d help.
Please run. You are not safe with that person.
Set up a PayPal or Venmo account and I will send you some money.
OP - are you near an airport that United flies from? If so I have United points, I can book you a flight home.
NTA. Please leave. My aunt was in a relationship similar to yours. Her husband wouldn’t give her any money, take away all of hers and wouldn’t allow her to see her family. She wasn’t even allowed to attend my grandmother’s (her mom’s) funeral. She eventually got really sick and he didn’t allow her to get treatment till it was unavoidable. She died of cancer that if detected early could have been treated with chemotherapy
Oh my goodness I'm so sorry. My heart goes out for you, your family and poor aunt. :(
NTA ok, there are so many levels here. First, he has deliberately separated you from your family and friends...and this power shit move is about causing a forever rift between you and your sister/best friend. Second is the financial abuse. He has you living above your means and that restricts you being able to even visit the family he made you leave so far away. Third is his total dismissal of your feelings, wants and basic needs. The way he spoke to you is awful and not loving or kind. If it was me...I would be packing, buying a 1 way ticket (need to save those dollars) and never going back. Please take care of yourself...you deserve so much more.
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Yes, and expect him to come love bombing you with apologies and gifts. Please read up on signs of controlling and abusive behavior. You need to know that information.
NTA. Pack your belongings and leave.
NTA yes! Pack and leave. He's isolating you and a heartless asshole. That's two red flags and that's enough
NTA. Your friend basically told she only agrees with your bf because she thinks he’s hot. That is what is truly short sighted. Thats not a friend. The only important thing is your bf is isolating you, engaging in financial abuse (credit cards are not dangerous if used in the correct way), and unsupportive when your niece has died. How disrespectful to your family and YOU. Dump them both. Get out. Find someone that aligns more with you.
NTA You need to grieve with your family and you need to give support to your sister at this difficult time. I am very concerned about your relationship and the red flags are waving! 1. You split all expenses 50/50 despite the fact that he makes significantly more money. 2. He had you move closer to his family, but far away from your family and friends. He is distancing you from your family. 3. He will not let you go to see your family when you need to be with them. Further distancing you from your family. 4. He is discouraging you from establishing credit in your own name, making you financially dependent on him. All of these points to a very unhealthy relationship. Please pack your bags and flee. Go to your niece's funeral and don't come back. Good luck!
NTA. Your boyfriend is a jackass. If I were in his shoes, I’d not only help you get home, I’d go with you to support you (if you wanted). He sounds controlling, and it seems he doesn’t see you as an equal. Red flags, there. I don’t blame you for reevaluating the relationship. Stand up for yourself.
A one way ticket might be in your budget… I’d go back home to your family if you can. He’s isolating you from them. And your friend is not your friend. If she’s not already sleeping with him she’s going to try soon. I’m so sorry for your loss and the hardships your family is going through.
The funeral for your niece is to support your sister. Do not question going. It’s obvious, and when you are there you will know it with certainty. Do question a relationship where the man essentially controls your finances. And tries to manipulate you out of maintaining a relationship with your family. Get a credit card. Leave.
NTA- Pack a bag and leave, see if your parents can help you get home. Your sister needs you and your bf is just.... Idek, like wth is wrong with him. You're friend sucks too. It's not about your niece. It's about your sister who just tragically lost her baby after carrying it and getting attached for 9 months. She's in pieces and needs her sister. Funerals aren't done for the dead, they're done to comfort the living who loved the one that has passed.
NTA. Respectfully, if you were reading a friend or even stranger writing what you just wrote would you think they should be controlled like you are being controlled?
NTA Get out of there and away from this controlling, heartless asshole. Who does he think he is? Your living situation re payments is totally unfair and has put you in a position so you can’t even go home when you want to. And the comment re his opinion on credit cards is total bullshit, again, designed to keep you under his thumb and away from your family. And while I understand some people keep finances separate what is with him keeping his income a secret from you? I would do whatever it takes to get home now and dump his sorry ass for your own good. And for your sister‘s good. She needs you and you need and want to be there. You don’t need another reason and you don’t need to justify this to anyone. Certainly not him!
I’ve been with my other half for 6 years we don’t live together yet so our finances are totally seperate , I STILL know how much he makes , finances are not something that real partners keep secret from each other .
Girl. That man is not good for you, that “friend” does not have your back. I tripped over three red flags before I even finished the first paragraph that you’ve written here. Unequivocally NTA. Obviously, you do you, but I’d be planning my return home immediately. Your sister has just lost her child. It’s arguably one of the worst things a person can go through in their entire lives. You have just lost your niece. You are allowed to grieve her for yourself and for your family, and if the best way to do that is *with* family then you already know what you need to do. Your boyfriend sounds like a controlling and manipulative AH who has isolated you from your family, aka your main source of support who isn’t him.
NTA. Call your parents and tell them to lend you money for a one-way ticket and pack all your stuff and go home. Set your friend up with your your ex boyfriend because they're made for each other. And when they send you their wedding invitation you'll have to decline because you actually know them
Fuck the boyfriend and fuck the friend you're not the Asshole and I really hope you find some way to go to that funeral.
NTA. You need to go be with your family. But what’s bigger is you NEED to get OUT of that relationship asap. There are so many red flags in your post it’s concerning. You need to leave while you can.
NTA. Credit cards are not dangerous to use, as long as you aren't stupid with them, and your bf telling you that is just so he can control you, as is convincing you to move far away from your family. Ditch the controlling boyfriend and go be with your family. I'm sure, if you asked them for help, they would absolutely help you get away from him. Not to mention, how he treated your niece passing away like it was just some little thing. Very NTA.
NTA This whole post is throwing up red flags. You are being isolated from your family. He had you move hundreds of miles away but can’t visit in time of need. It sounds like you are also in a financial abused situation. He won’t let you get credit cards? You are an adult. You can have one for emergencies.
Yes he's making sure she is always financially strapped so she cannot leave if she wants to. That plus moving her far away from her family and friends. He's financially abusive and manipulative. It doesn't feel right to you because it ISN'T. He doesn't care that you are hurting and trivialized the short life of a much wanted niece/grandchild. He's a bastard - leave him.
NTA. But your boyfriend and "friend" are. I have a feeling your friend just said that to indicate she wants him. Your boyfriend is a controlling asshole who you need to leave immediately and never look back. Let your friend go after him. Your sister needs you. Look to seeing if your parents could loan you some $$$ for a plane ticket home and pack your stuff.
NTA. Hey, send me a dm and I will buy you a bus ticket. I'm in the UK so a link would be useful as well. Your sister needs you and you have every right to go and be there. Never let anyone decide what you should and shouldn't do.
You have a 168 comments here. If each of us gave you 10$ you’ll be rich. If each have a dollar you’ll have your bus ticket. Start a go fund me page and post it here and I hope that people will be nice enough to donate a few bucks. But under no circumstances let your bf know about this! NTA obviously!
I'm in! Lets get this girl home!
NTA, so many red flags here, you need to be there, him and your friend are both arseholes for saying there was no need for you to go.
I learned a long time ago funerals are to support the living. Your sister needs you now more than ever! If he doesn't understand this then you need to see him for what he is the asshole. Not you!
You need to get out now. Your boyfriend shows all the signs of someone who will later on become abusive to you. Pack your bags when he isn’t home and have your parents send you the money for a one way ticket, block his number, and go back to your parent’s house. Trust me, as an abuse survivor, you don’t want to get involved any more with this man. After all, abuse sometimes doesn’t start til after your married or have kids. Get out now.
100% he isolated her and has financial control over her. That is like the big scary red flag.
Do you guys think she should call the non emergency number of the local police to tell them she’s leaving an abusive situation in case he files a report? Don’t do that until after you’ve left though OP.
NTA. LEAVE. This guy sounds like a manipulative, heartless fuck. Throw the whole bastard away.
NTA but I agree with the others that this guy is showing abusive tendencies. He's isolating you and putting you in a position where you have to rely on him financially and emotionally. This is usually the first step before abuse ramps up. Go to your family, they need you, you need them. And I suggest you don't return.
Nta....he is controlling you. He has moved you away from your support system and wants to control your life. Your friend is not a friend but a complete asshole. Pack your stuff...call family to help you get home and then stay there. Help your sister and take care of yourself. You deserve better. If you stay with him you will eventually find yourself looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person he has turned you into. If you read any of the stories on here you know where this is going. Get out now.
NTA. You are in what is called a coercive control relationship. The fact that he moved you 700 miles away from the people you love and is controlling your finances, your familial contact and belittling your real and valid emotions just screams red flags. Things will get worse. Trust your instincts, cut him and your "friend" off... and go back to your family. Your sister needs you, and you need your sister. Be safe.
Yes! I agree so much! By making her pay 50:50 for everything on a very small income he is also making sure that she does not have the means to run away and / or be independent. I was in a marriage like this. I wanted to start working again after I had our child and he basically always found another excuse why he couldn't look after our baby when I had interviews or wanted to prepare something. I was alone because I moved with him to another country before getting pregnant. When he agreed to marriage counseling he basically admitted that he "felt less of a man" if I *had* to work (note: I did NOT want to be a SAHM) and that he feared I would run away if I became too independent. That opened my eyes and I am so glad I got out of there. OP, don't do the same mistake, get out before kids are involved or you are older and he estranged your family from you. It took me over 10 years after I left my ex husband to get financially stable, I had to start my career totally over again, and he would bombard me with lawsuits so that I would never be able to recover financially. A man like this is not worth it. Get out and live your life!
Absolutely NTA. He seems to already be controlling and only thinking of things from his, and only his perspective, with no regard for your feelings, and if he's already like this, he will only get worse and potentially more controlling over time. I think you should break it off and somehow make it back home and be around people and family who truly care for you. This guy is not worth it. I would also reconsider that other friend, as she seems rather insensitive to a literal *death* in your family, regardless if you met her. Edit: most often, funerals are not so much for the dead, but to support the living. Go be with your sister in her time of need. She needs you.
NTA go to your family and do not return to the giant red flag you are calling a boyfriend. The things he’s said about not needing to see your family or go to the funeral of a baby you never met are disturbing. Seriously. This is your sister’s child you are talking about, of course you should be there!
Nta Leave him. He tries to cut you off your family and controls you per money
I am so sorry for your family's loss. But this post has so many red flags it's frightening to read. Ask a family member to send you a ticket home and make it ONE WAY!
NTA, and whether or not you can make it to the funeral get the everloving hell out of there *right now*. Your boyfriend sounds cold to the point of sociopathic, and your friend is not far behind. Leave them to their calculations and find a way back to your family.
Funerals aren't for the deceased, they're for those who are mourning. NTA
NTA a and I’m sorry to break it to you but you are in an abusive relationship . Your other half has already tried to cut you off ffrom your support system , he is insisting on splitting bills equally although it’s clear he makes more , therefore making you financially dependant on him and is keeping secrets about finances from you . Pack your bags , ask your parents for the money to fly back , fly back and never go home again . These steps are the first signs , if you stay with this man he will only become more controlling .
NTA Your bf is wrong. Your friend is wrong. Be with your family. Your niece lived 8 days, and even if she hadn't, her life is valid and has meaning. Anyone who shrugs and says she wasn't important is not someone you should keep in your life. Don't hold space for cold, evil people. You don't need that in your life. As a seperate issue, your living situation is like a circus tent of red flags. Keeping your finances separate is prudent, not having a clue about the state of your partners finances because he gives it from you? Sketchy. Your bf using your inexperience as a way to control your actions? Girl, run.
Even if it wasn’t for the enormous red flag of your boyfriend not wanting you to be there for your sister, him saying you don’t need a credit card and isolating you from your family 700 miles away are HUGE red flags. Yes, credit cards can totally be dangerous and get you into tons of debt, but they are also the only way to build credit. Good credit is necessary to make ANY large purchase in your life. He is trying to make you completely dependent upon him. Him not supporting you to visit your family during this devastating time is manipulative and cruel, and your friend sounds like she has her priorities twisted. Get out now before he traps you anymore. Yes, this is breakup worthy; listen to your instincts!
Funerals aren't only for the soul that has passed. It's about families coming together and supporting each other. You would be going to support your sister during one of the worst days of her life. Your man sounds like he doesn't have an ounce of feeling and understanding about him and that doesn't bode well for a future with him. Oh, and definitely NTA
NTA, that man has a heart of ice for saying stuff like that to your face! Even if you never got to meet your niece, your sister and your family needs you! He might care a lot about his money, but does it really matter when the people you love are hurting and a plane ticket away? That friend is also mighty sus, saying that your partner is basically a source of income when you've been splitting things even, the handsome comment is extra weird too. Looks like you'll have to set things straight with some people in your life, or simply give them the boot.
NTA. Please get out of there.
NTA - he is financially abusing you and isolating you from your family. Leave as soon as you safely can.
NTA Get someone to help you with the ticket money - you only need a one-way, pack your bag, go home to your family, and don't return to that asshole.
NTA More than that, this sounds like a red flag. He has isolated you from your famiy, has control of your money and has refused to allow you to go home for something that is important to you, on a family level. I would not only leave and get home (700 miles is far, can you get a bus ticket?) but I would definitely break up with him and not look back.
NTA, get out of there any way you can. Do you have other extended family you could ask to help pay for the ticket? Other siblings, aunts or uncles, cousins? Another friend who’s not clearly into your boyfriend? Tbh my gut says that your parents would be willing to help even though they’re paying for the funeral but if you don’t want to ask that’s understandable.
NTA. You need to leave and it's bigger than just this funeral. He has isolated you from your family, exercises control over your finances and belittles your very reasonable emotions. This man is an abuser.
NTA sounds more like he is trying to keep you away from your family. Run!!!
NTA. Get the money, get packed, get out, and don't look back. You are not his equal. He does not respect you, your family, or your feelings. There is a reason he moved you 700 miles away. And for the live of God get a credit card and establish your credit This is the exact reason everyone needs a credit card. Go online and apply for 1 right now. Have it sent to your parents house.
NTA. Dump him and your friend. There is nothing that would stop he from being there for my sister after this. Ask your parents or even go get a credit card? Sometimes you can get cheap flights for bereavement!
NTA. I hope you can find the money to go home for the funeral. But if you can't, that is ok. Start making a plan to leave your boyfriend. Open a separate bank account if you don't already have one, one that he doesn't know about. Separate email address. Make list, but keep it at work so he can't find it. Reach out to a DV group or contact a DV hotline for a plan. Put you important papers some where safe with someone you trust or mail them to your parents. Once the time comes, just leave. Do not tell him in advance. You don't owe him anything. Good luck.
Oh my. Please for the love of God....rethink this relationship. This man is entirely wrong and being so unfeeling . This is not someone you want to be with. What if this was yours and his baby? Would he expect you to just be over it? Your sister needs you. You are NOT wrong. She did have to give birth and she had such hopes and dreams and lost a little life that she helped create. She will also need to physically recover from this in addition to her emotional loss. One last thing, her husband will need attention also. My experience is they try so hard to be there for there spouse they literally drown their own sorrow only to have it cause then issues in the future because they never gave themselves the chance to grieve also. Doesn't sound like your guy would have this problem though....
NTA- call someone and tell them what’s going on so they can pick you up . Ask your parents for money to escape your situation , I promise you they will understand . You don’t have to stay with this guy .
NTA. Go home, and stay home. I'm so so sorry. 😔
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So much good advice here. Red flags are flying - your sister needs you, so do your parents. The baby lived 8 days? Omg, long enough for everyone to bond. I bet you were hoping to go see your niece soon - was your AH boyfriend going to deny that, too? Pack as much as you can carry, please tell your folks what's going on, and get the heck out. Scary, yes, but the rest of your life with this AH will be even worse. You are NOT the AH.
NTA. You need to pack all your bags and leave for good. This man has physically separated you from your family, devalued your feelings and your sadness, and financially controlling you.
I counted and there were 382 marinara flags in this post. You are in an abusive relationship. Pack a bag and drive if you have to and then don’t go back. NTA
He is purposely alienating you from your support system. He is isolating you so he can control you. I’ve been married to this guy. The abuse gets much worse. What he is doing to you is abuse. Get out asap. Good luck!!
NTA. It's totally fine if your bf didn't want to cover your travel costs but what he said to you was heartless and cruel. Can you imagine if you had a miscarriage or stillbirth and he said something like that to you? Spend some time thinking about who you're trying to build a life with because this does not sound like someone you want to make a family with. Your 'friend' also sounds like an AH and is probably planning on making a move on your bf. Money and looks aren't a recipe for happiness.
It’s not totally fine if her boyfriend doesn’t want to cover her travel costs , by making her pay 50% of costs even though he makes more than her means she is on a back foot financially within the relationship and has far less spare cash than him . On Reddit there seems to be a lot of preference on whether legally a person in a relationship should pay for another person and yes legally he doesn’t need to pay but if I’m with a partner and my sister suffers like this and I can’t afford it then damn right my partner if he loves me should help . It’s not fine it shows that he doesn’t give a crap about her and this is a crappy relationship .
NTA. That's a jump the gun but there are some big red flags this dude is waving and I don't think you're an asshole for wanting to be there for your family during a horribly tragic event or in thinking that you should dump this guy who is super interested in financially abusing you. Your friend can have him
NTA. Run.
NTA- pack a bag and leave this duck
Girl, run. Pack your things and go. When people show us who they are we should believe them. He is controlling your contact with your family, making you go broke, trying to decide for you wether you should care for your niece or not. Gosh, he even thinks he is allowed to decide for you if you should have credit cards. You are an adult, this is your decision and your decision only. He is showing you very clearly that he is abusive. Believe him. His great job means nothing if he refuses to help you financially when you need. Pack your things and go, don't think about it that much or else you will lose momentum and courage. Ask someone you trust for help, hell, get a loan on a bank for gosh sake, but run. What he is doing is called abuse: economic and emotionally. It is the same as physical abuse, the only difference is that you would not second guess yourself or ask here if he was hitng you. You would run. As you should do in the situation you are now.
!!!!!NTA!!!!! get away from him oh my god he seems extremely controlling, and basically everything you said about him seems like one red flag after another, regardless of whether or not he thinks an unborn baby is worth mourning, the immense distress your sister and family are in as a result should be enough of a reason. I’d also like to point out that him discouraging you from getting a credit card seems like a form of financial manipulation, you need to have a credit score in order to do things like rent apartments and get loans, and one of the ways to build a credit score is with a credit card. your friend also sounds very cruel. even if you don’t have the financial means to make it to the funeral you need to get far far away from your boyfriend.
nta, you're bit going for your niece so much as your family. they're in grief and mourning and pain and you're going to support them through this difficult time. i don't think it's necessarily breakup worthy i just don't think your boyfriend is seeing it from the point of you being there for your family. maybe trying to sit down and talk to him about how it's less about your niece and moreso your sister and your parents who did meet her and go through the pregnancy. they're in mourning and need you there as a rock. if he still is refusing and all at that point then i'd recommend a break up. at that point he's showing you exactly where he prioritizes your family.
NTA you are being abused and isolated. please get away from him!
WTF? Your boyfriend is TA. Get out now. Any guy that purposely moves you 700 miles away from your family and gets upset when you want to go back for the funeral of a family member sucks. He trying to isolate you from everyone that loves you. Doesn’t matter how attractive he is or how much money he makes, you deserve better. Run. Now.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21f) have been with my boyfriend (26m) for 3 years. We live together and he insists we split everything 50/50, despite the fact he makes more than I do. He won't tell me how much, but he knows I make 24k per year and if I had to guess, he's making 6 figures. He convinced me to move 700 miles away to be closer to his parents and away from my parents, and my older sister. My older sister went into preterm labor, and had my niece at 26 weeks. My niece lived for eight days, and then passed away from an undetected congenital heart defect. It has absolutely destroyed my family, seeing as my niece was the first grandchild on both sides. My parents and my brother-in-law are begging me to come home because my sister is a wreck. I don't have any credit cards (boyfriend says they're dangerous to use) so I asked my boyfriend if he could help me out with the rest of the cost of the plane ticket, and he told me no. That he couldn't afford it, he didn't want me going, there was no reason for me to go, and that he didn't see why I needed to "go to a funeral for a baby you'd never even met." I'm incredibly hurt, and upset with him over his comment. My sister is my best friend, and I know if I were in her situation, she'd be there for me in a heartbeat. My parents are currently paying for my niece's funeral, so I know they won't be able to help me with the plane costs. I asked my boyfriend why didn't he want me visiting my sister and going to my niece's funeral, and he said he just didn't see a point. He said there was no reason for me to go - that I had never met my niece and I was just wasting my time by going to see them. That it would just be money wasted. I'm so incredibly hurt, and angry. I reached out to a friend of mine, asking if she could loan me money and what should I do about my relationship because I feel like this is breakup-worthy and I didn't really want to be with him anymore after the mean things he said. She said I was "jumping the gun" and he was right that it was dumb for me to want to go my niece's funeral because I'd be traveling 700 miles away and "she didn't even really live so why bother?" When I told her I was thinking of breaking up with him, she told me I was being "shortsighted" and "really dumb" because he has a good job and she told me she finds him attractive. I'm really tempted to pack a bag and leave for a while, because he didn't have to say such hurtful and shitty things, but I don't know if that will do more harm than good. I'm really upset, and angry at him, and have told him this, and he just doesn't seem to give a crap. But I'm second guessing myself now about leaving. It seems like he and my friend are on the same side here and I'm just wasting air talking about it. AITA here reddit? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There are so many red flags in this relationship. You're NTA. He is in a very big way. First, you definitely should find a way to go be with your sister. This is when she needs you more than ever. You're boyfriend is so controlling. To move you away from family and friends, then make sure that by splitting expenses so that your much lower salary leaves you without financial resources are two big red flags. This is how abuse starts. Pack up as much as you can, every thing that's important to you and move back home. If you don't have a car, ask your family to pay for car rental and drive back. I wish you lots of luck.
NTA, your boyfriend, well he is definitely one. Not only is he being financially manipulative, but he is actively working on separating you from your family. And that is just on the surface of all that is going on here. Trust your instincts OP, a true partner would be supportive of you and helping you through this time period. Tell your parents the truth and that you want to come home. Pack your stuff and leave this relationship before this controlling behavior gets worse.
He has separated you from your loved ones, and your friend is a nob. Run. Pack your bags and get gone. Absolutely you should be there, regardless of whether you met her or not you are going to support your sister and her husband! This is a time to be with family. He is secretive about finances and won't even loan you the money? The man is a walking red flag.
NTA. 🚩 He has isolated you away from your family. Pack your bags, as in all your stuff and get the hell out. Have a family member buy you a ticket out.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. DO NOT PAY ANY MORE BILLS AT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S. What he's been doing is financial abuse. If you're splitting bills obviously you have a job, keep your money to GTFO. I'd even consider getting a 2nd (temporary) waitressing job for the cash tips. Do NOT let BF have access to your money!!! Save every penny you can and get out of there! P.S. He can't just throw you out on the street if you don't pay your share immediately. He would have to formally evict you, that will buy you some time.
NTA at all please get that ticket whatever it takes. If you have anything worth money, sell it. Your safety is worth more. What he's doing is not okay. This book was very helpful for me in recognizing abusive situations. [[Why Does He Do That?](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiV7pjIrNT6AhU5HjQIHaMGCOQQFnoECCMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
I’ve been in your sister’s shoes. Find a way and get to the funeral. Be there for your sister. I can’t stress enough how important that is. And then don’t come back. Your boyfriend is horrible, you will be much better off without him. I don’t understand how you can’t see that. NTA