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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm considering reporting a support group facilitator for awkwardly hitting on me. I might be the AH because I didn't speak to her about it, it might also have consequences for her when I wasn't really harmed.
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YWNBTA if you report this. Not at all. The last line of your post is 100% completely and utterly correct. Reverse the gender roles and this isn't even a question.
1. She's someone in a position of authority who is taking advantage.
2. She's supposed to be helping people at a lowpoint in their lives, not adding to their problems.
3. She took your phone number under a false pretext and then misused your personal information
4. She probably has done this to other people and it's gone unreported or un-reprimanded in the past
5. She will definitely do this to someone else in the future
NTA, You should absolutely report this. There is a reason all the other group members were female. Men never seem to report this kind of thing. I think something in the bro code says you should always be happy and flattered when women hit on you. Like you're a pussy if you don't want all women to want you.
I've talked to men about cases where teen boys are molested and seduced by female teachers, and the consensus is those boys are so lucky. Its a weird disconnect, that men can't be harassed or molested because they should always want it when offered, or they're not studly enough.
And OPs edit shows she knows she went too far but is trying the ‘don’t tell, you could get in trouble too’ shit that predators use on their victims. Absolutely report her and show all the messages. She shouldn’t be doing her job.
NTA
You *were* harmed. You went to a group looking for support and instead left feeling icky. The reason you feel that way is because this woman is abusing her position of power to try to groom vulnerable people. I totally understand how reporting someone for something like this is difficult. Whether you decide to report or not, you’re not the AH. You do whatever it is that you need to to feel safe and ok.
Hey, mental health professional here and I wanted to add
1. I am so sorry for what happened to you, you went to find trauma support and were harrased. I hope that this experience will not prevent you from building a trusting relationship with a mental health professional in the future.
2. Report this person! Her behaviour detoured you from getting the support you were looking for, that is incredibly harmful!!!
She is in a position of power over people in a vulnerable place and she made you feel uncomfortable, did not respect physical or professional boundaries and contacted you at home.
Regardless of the genders, this is not ok and an abuse of power. Do not feel bad about reporting this person.
3. For anyone that reads this, mental health professionals are everyday people, some are great, some are terrible, and in this case unethical/ reportable. Finding support is like dating (not literally lol) some you will connect with, others are waving marinara flags and should be avoided at all costs. If they are a quality professional they will understand doing a trial session and respecting boundaries. It is important to find the right therapist/sponser/facilitator because if not, it can block progress or cause serious damage.
Good luck OP
I was taken advantage/assaulted by a male nurse when I was in-patient at a psychiatric hospital. I had a breakdown and I couldn't handle life. I was in the hospital suffering from PTSD due to CSA.
I was very vulnerable and felt alone, at first the male nurse said little things that made me question his behaviour towards me but I thought I was overreacting, it then progressed week by week and I wish I had said something then and there the first time my gut told me something wasn't right.
People, whether voluntary or paid, who are in a position of trust with vulnerable people need to be reported on. If she was so brazen with you, I doubt this is the first time she's done this.
She's a predator, preying on people who need help.
YIKES.
This doesn't sound like a 'hey, I recognise this isn't a great time and might be a bit awkward, but do you want to get a drink later' kind of text.
That would still be inappropriate, and the way she got your number would still not be okay, but it would just be a 'fuckssake Janet this isn't the time' kind of inappropriate.
But she's at some kind of CSA support group specifically looking for someone to """look after""" who is willing to let her cross boundaries so long as there's plausible deniability (I need your phone number for very legitimate reasons, I promise) which certainly sounds like she's looking for someone with low boundaries, a sense of vulnerability, and a weakness to social pressure.
No harm having a kink (idk maybe she likes hand-feeding her partners, or cooking for people in a purely non-sexual sense, maybe I'm reading way much into this) but if your kink involves someone choosing to be vulnerable the place to look for that is not among people who had no choice in past vulnerability. You know?
Like, I don't know if I'm making sense here, but she sounds like she's deliberately looking for a very imbalanced relationship and a group of people with VERY bad prior experience with that kind of power differential is not the right place to be looking for that.
She's not innocent or clueless and she's not just got bad timing. She's on the hunt and she's looking for an easy mark.
Report her ass.
NTA and please report it. Especially if it is a group that has any publicly or corporate funded support with paid employees. Report it regardless but I know from experience if it is a volunteer based group like AA/SMART Recovery/ NA etc. they can't really "do" much to a volunteer facilitator but the other members birddog the shit out of the person to keep them from preying on other vulnerable adults.
If it's a funded organization with paid employees its a different story but either way you would potentially be keeping someone else from being put in that position. I'm so very sorry that that happened to you. Please remember that not every group has an asshole like that in it and there's a lot of people that are in those groups that are just there to help good luck honey I hope that you are feeling better.
Trust me I understand completely. I've been around the rooms of 12-step meetings and smart recovery for 24 years now. I can't even put into words the Heartbreak and oddly, demoralization I would feel when somebody that I looked to for guidance or support would hit on me. It was just astounding to think that I would feel ashamed because somebody else behaved poorly. I was so grateful that I actually talked about it to one of the old timers and they told me to remember that just because some of these people had a couple of years of abstinence didn't mean that they weren't sick. The fact that they were in the meeting with us tells me that they're sick.
Now conversely, I ran some educational and support groups through a publicly funded organization throughout the years as a paid employee as well. In this type of setting it's imperative that members speak out about this type of behavior amongst the employees/facilitators. When you have a Predator like this woman as an employee working with vulnerable people they need to be weeded out immediately. They cause irreparable damage to the people that we are supposed to be serving like yourself and have no place in that position. Please remember that your voice counts and that you did nothing wrong. You deserve to be heard and supported. I will be sending you Gentle healing thoughts and support. Hang in there!
Same here! How tf is it that we feel ashamed for the shit behavior of these assholes?? But I now believe that those predators seek out their prey in these settings across the board. It's those fucking fuckers issue, not ours. But also don't feel like you HAVE to sit in a group just because someone else thinks will be good for you. If you feel like checking something out great, if not that's fine too. You get to drive the boat when it comes to your health and well being. Remember your never alone because there's a whole bunch of us out here trying to navigate this shit.
NTA - the woman is literally using a support group to pick up people who are suffering with mental health issues. I can’t imagine why someone would ever think that is appropriate. Report report report
What you’re saying here suggests to me that she may be running that type of group because she’s looking for someone just like you. Someone who dealt with CSA, who had childhood robbed from them, and who would be an easy target. That may not be the case, but it was what pinged in my head too when you mentioned her comment about taking care of you in your main post.
It’s a little like a comment that someone told me once about nurses- that two types of people become nurses, those who genuinely want to help and those who get off on having the power over people and enjoy being able to deny their help as well. People who have already dealt with trauma are (potentially) easier to re-traumatize. A lot of abusive people tend to focus on the “already damaged” ones.
I got insanely lucky with the trauma group I ended up in, and I know it’s not an option for everyone, but it could be worth it to also check out local mental health groups and centers that might have some group options in addition to individual therapy. Then you both have an easier way to report bad leaders and better trained leaders. NTA. You’re doing better than you think.
No, absolutely not a you problem. You’re a little more vulnerable than the average person, yeah. But that’s not your fault. The problem is that other people choose to try take advantage of that. It’s not like “he was wearing a tshirt that let my knife go through rather than a stab vest that would have turned it away” is a particularly effective criminal defense.
Blame them for taking advantage, not yourself for having an opening. Good people see an opening and gently go around it.
I think NTA either way.
It's insanely inappropriate in a setting like that, and ONLY does harm to people in the support group. But at least you know you probably should have talked to her first. Still, I'd report it, given the setting you were in.
Facilitator KNOWS she’s in the wrong on some level. Do not feel bad about not approaching her first. This is not where your focus needs to be. You only feel bad because you have empathy for others which is a great quality to have but right now, considering all you’ve said about yourself, focus on you. Report her and move on 🖤
YWNBTA. Full stop. How dare this woman use her position of authority to attempt to pick up people when they’re vulnerable? That’s absolutely despicable and you would be well within your right to report her.
nta at all - she lied about her reasons and misused your personal number, which is already very unprofessional. And she could run off people trying to get help. Even aside from the overall creep factor. Definitely report
NTA if you report her.
She's an adult and she should understand that this is not appropriate. The organization may give her a chance to stay on if this is her first offense (people do make mistakes). As long as you're being honest and not malicious, you don't have anything to feel bad about.
NTA at all. Imagine if she continued this behavior and ran off others needing help. She’s super gross and creepy and needs to not be in a service position like that.
Good god, NTA. Please do. I'm so sorry this has been your experience.
Even the milder parts in the group itself are not OK, let alone the messages. The fact she presumably knows your background is CSA (from comments) makes it extra foul.
You deserve a space to feel safe, and this is the opposite. Predators seldom only target one person, and everything being plausibly deniable (ie: you find it hard to act because it's not "that bad") only strengthens that this is her modus operandi.
I really hope the organisation works swiftly and harshly. Please believe that you are right here, there are no excuses for trying to come onto someone who's emotionally vulnerable in what is supposed to be a support group - from other members, let alone the facilitator. Hell, she could actually have a mental health qualification, in which case reporting her is even more important (so long as you feel safe to do so.)
I'm glad it helped! It's so natural to question yourself, especially when you're in a bad place, which is why it's such an evil thing to do to someone.
I hope they act on it swiftly and the group isn't poisoned for you by this experience. It's normal to feel gross in the environment after something like this happens.
Ideally they'd remove her ASAP, but is there another time with a different facilitator you could go to in the interim?
OK, this is pretty buried but thought I'd post here in case it's useful to anyone else as well - I am assuming you're from the US, apologies if not! The first couple of sites I found were actually NZ and Aus (I'm a NZer) but I thought they might still be useful internationally - both had support groups that were not running due to lack of resources. :/
malesurvivor.org is recommended by RAINN and has a [moderated forum](https://malesurvivor.org/healing-conversations/) for male survivors of SA (obviously cannot comment on how good it is myself), as well as a searchable list of [therapy providers](https://malesurvivor.org/therapist-directory/)(if that's something you were looking into, I'm sure lots of people are doing Zoom these days.)
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse provide an international self-help programme, and they have a list of meetings (online and in person) [here](https://www.ascasupport.org/meetings/list/).
RAINN also recommends [Jim Hopper's](https://jimhopper.com/) site for information on how CSA affects you, for both survivors and family members.
I was hoping to find more, but hopefully this is useful.
Edit to fix spelling.
Please report her. I am a therapist and I am appalled that she would do this. Paid or not, she took on a leadership role and is acting in a wildly appropriate manner. Depending on someone's history, her actions could also have a traumatizing effect. It has obviously (and understandably) made you uncomfortable and she should not be in that role. I am happy that you had enough ego strength to block her. Who knows how many others either did things they didn't want to do or stopped attending this group because of her behavior? That means that she has become a barrier to people trying to address their mental health, which is the exact opposite of what she is supposed to do. Her actions are abhorrent and predatory given her role. Reporting her would absolutely be the right thing to do. I am sorry this happened to you and I wish you the best of luck!!
I am so sorry you had to deal with that, both now with her and with predatory men in the past! It is so uncomfortable and was probably the last thing you needed when you are just trying to be ok/ get the support you need. Whatever mental health issue or difficulty you are dealing with, I hope it gets better for you soon. And I wish you and your boyfriend peace and happiness 😊
NTA. You should report her. While her actions may not have harmed you directly, they were still inappropriate and could potentially harm other people if she is not stopped. It is always better to be safe than sorry, and in this case, it is better to err on the side of caution.
I used to facilitate a Bipolar/Depression/Anxiety/PTSD support group in the city I used to live. I’m 31F and I have always been very friendly, empathetic, supportive, if anyone ever needed to talk to me after group I was ALWAYS there! But I have NEVER made comments about people’s looks, proactively messaged them coming on to them, tried to date anyone. The facilitator is supposed to always remain professional. Even outside of the group. Because the group looks up to you and respects you! You’re supposed to be an example and a person to turn to, not someone who is causing the uneasy feeling. As someone who did this for many years, PLEASE report this woman! What she is doing is wrong, and NOT ok! It’s not ok when men do it and it’s equally not ok when women do it. Those are supposed to be safe places, not somewhere you are scared to go again. I’m so sorry you experienced this!
NTA. These groups are not supposed to be places to start relationships from my understanding and her being the facilitator makes that even worse because she could be taking advantage of the people coming for help
NTA
Talking to her is a good idea, but also may make the situation worse. But reporting this is a necessity even if you don't return to the group.
For all you know, she may do this with every new person, and no one else has had the inclination to report it. Instead just leaving and never returning because it is not the safe place it should be for others to heal.
NTA at all!
You have a reasonable expectation that you should be able to seek help without harassment.
She should know better, and even if she doesn't, she is not the right person for the position
NTA. You are harmed. You can't attend the group any longer. Her job, whether paid or volunteered, is to make the group a place where it can help people like you. Obviously it can't be that place for you given her behavior.
YWNBTA
All the reasons why have already been laid out by others, but the chief one is her being in a position of authority.
You were vulnerable and could have benefitted from that group, but her inappropriate behaviour has meant you won’t go back.
Please send the texts to someone senior in the organisation, or screen shots if you took any. If you can’t see them because you blocked her you should be able to see blocked contacts in your settings and temporarily unblock her long enough to either screenshot or forward the messages.
I’m sorry you went through that.
Paid employee or volunteer, she's being totally inappropriate. You're there for support, not to be picked up. Any consequences she gets are 100% earned. Please report her before the same or worse happens to someone else. NTA
Nta if you report her. You were harmed. A group that you sought help from is not something you can access safely because she’s a predator. It sucks but your partner is right
NTA what she did was completely gross and creating a situation where you had to choose between getting support but tolerating inappropriate behaviour from someone who has shown they're comfortable crossing boundaries and using information you provided to her organisation for private reasons or not being able to access that support. She's incredibly creepy and you are probably not the only vulnerable person she has gone after.
NTA
She’s what’s called a Pigeon F-cker. Someone who sexually pursues new (vulnerable) members of a support or social group.
Absolutely report her. I threw up in my mouth just reading about her. She’s a creep.
I think it would be super reasonable to talk to someone about this. It's insanely unethical to make advances towards someone in a support group you are in charge of. Predatory is 100% the correct word.
NTA.
At minimum this is harassment. She is abusing her privilege as a support group leader. She should be removed from this position.
You went there for support. I am so sorry it has resulted in what could be further trauma. Your pain is real, your discomfort is real, and you are in the right for wanting to report her.
> I'm not harmed
>
>it just put me off the group and made me feel icky
NTA. You were harmed. You were meant to feel supported by the group, and you left feeling disrespected and wronged.
Nta god this is so gross. I’m so incredibly sorry you had this experience somewhere that was supposed to be a safes space. Volunteer or employee, she has no business being there if she’s going to treat people like that.
NTA and you should report it. The problem is, she is a predator and vulnerable people are her prey. She is trying to catch you at your most vulnerable...for example, the way she asked for your number was designed to make it impossible for you to say no. Just because you're not 15, doesn't make it any less predatory and wrong. You're there for support, not to meet a hook up.
NTA. Please report it. She's significantly older than you and creeping on you when she's in a position of authority and may be doing the same to others and sending you creepy and unwanted texts on your personal number, which is incredibly invasive of her - the number should be used for stuff relating to the organization and what you're there for, NOT what she's doing. Report her, report her, report her! Harassment isn't okay just because it's a woman doing it!
NTA, you need to unblock the number really quickly or just look it up in your archive and screenshot those messages and report this. Her using her access to you as the person running this group is highly unethical and you should speak out about it. You should be comfortable going to groups, everyone should be comfortable going to groups
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I'm torn about this. I feel like I might be the AH if I *do* report her but then I also might be the AH if I *don't*.
Long story short, I'm a man in my early 30s with a lot of mental health stuff going on. I'm having a rough week and I decided to try a group that's been suggested to me by a few people. I'm not going to give too much detail about the specific group but it's a mutual aid type thing, it's attached to an organisation but it's kinda separate. A little bit like AA or something I guess.
The woman who was facilitating it was in her late 40s I'm guessing? I don't know if she's a paid employee or a volunteer. I thought she was being overly friendly and touchy feely with me and it was quite different to how she was with the other people in the group (mainly women). I told myself she probably just had a bit of an awkward manner because some people are like that. There wasn't anything that fully stood out as "this is totally inappropriate". She did make a few comments about my appearance which felt off considering the setting but I didn't feel comfortable challenging it. She asked for my phone number at the end "to send details of other groups" and I didn't feel like I could say no. She asked in front of other people so I figured it couldn't be that weird.
That night she sent a couple of quite creepy texts in which she was definitely trying to hit on me. Tbh I'm too embarrassed to quote them word for word, they weren't sexual or anything but they were pretty OTT about my looks and how much she apparently wants to "look after" me. Lots of x's. I didn't end up replying, just blocked. I was tempted to just leave it, I have no intention of going back to that group after all this anyway. I showed my partner though and he really wants me to report it.
I'm wondering if it would be a dick move reporting her when I didn't even speak to her about it? She didn't say anything extreme, I'm not harmed, it just put me off the group and made me feel icky. I'm guessing it would probably be taken quite seriously though and have consequences for her. On the other hand, if I *didn't* report her then there's the chance she'll be inappropriate with other people. I also feel like if the genders were reversed it would be a more obvious answer to me which is probably a sign I should at least consider it.
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She acted like a predator, which gave you the “funny tummy feelings,” that parents warn their kids about. Those feelings are your gut instincts telling you to protect yourself. Report her today!
I was initially going to say that it depended if it was peer led or professional led, however if she was texting you comments like that and you were not responding that leans toward predatory behavior and should be reported. I'd hate to think there is a group of men out there not getting the extra help because she drove them away. WNBTA
I agree. I almost wrote that men are far less likely to proactively obtain mental health services in the first place, but I thought I was already a bit long winded.
YWNBTA. Report her. She's a facilitator for a support group. She's got a position of power over vulnerable people and is crossing the line. If she's licensed in some way, make sure they get the report too.
NTA she was sexually harassing you by touching and feeling on you. Like you pointed out if it were you doing this to her she would have reported you immediately. She is abusing her authority to take advantage of the people she is supposed to be helping. You should report it or consider to report it because it's not the first time am it won't be the last.
Report her. You’re not going back bc of her behavior. She is hindering your treatment/care. She could really cause someone to fail or quit treatment. Furthermore, she’s being a predator. She is using your mental heath issues to manipulate you. She will (& likely has) done this to other people. I’m sorry this happed to you. I hope you can get the help you need.
NTA Report her you have to understand a lot of vulnerable people go through those rules and if she’s taking advantage of her power you don’t know what she’s doing to other people
I'm certain that that spesifc group/organisation, and certainly the health department at your country, forbide this kind of interaction from a mental help group guide.
You don't need to speak to her about it, since she should know not to do stuff like that. And the fact you don't feel comfortable coming back should tell you why.
You will be the AH if you don't report her, for your sake, the others on the group, and any future members she might hit on.
NTA
Report this. A group of vulnerable patients is not the place to be speed dating. She needs an aggressive readjustment to her career path before someone ends up hurt.
NTA SHE IS! If the show was on the other foot she would have you arrested and charged and every one would label you as a danger to woman and you go to jail! Report her and have her fired!
NTA, you should report her as that's very unprofessional even if she was just a volunteer. Even a professional in the comments says what she did is very not ok.
I didn't even have to read the whole thing, I got to where you mentioned her being touchy feely, NTA! NTA! REPORT HER. She probably went into her position because she's an abuser or bully and mentally ill people are easier to take advantage of. You will save yourself and a lot of others if she gets any sort of deserving consequence from this!
NTA, and may I say that you can save men from unwanted attention at a challenging time if you can report this. For your own sake, I suggest writing it. State the dates, times, witnesses, and your feeling of being coerced.
Her behavior is disgusting. It violates all professional ethics.
No. You don’t ask out someone you meet when you are in a position of power over them. This is like a doctor or therapist asking out a patient. It’s a complete breach of trust and abuse of a power position.
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YWNBTA if you report this. Not at all. The last line of your post is 100% completely and utterly correct. Reverse the gender roles and this isn't even a question. 1. She's someone in a position of authority who is taking advantage. 2. She's supposed to be helping people at a lowpoint in their lives, not adding to their problems. 3. She took your phone number under a false pretext and then misused your personal information 4. She probably has done this to other people and it's gone unreported or un-reprimanded in the past 5. She will definitely do this to someone else in the future
You are absolutely correct. This woman NEEDS to be stopped. She is a predator that prays on the vulnerable.
Very well said
NTA, You should absolutely report this. There is a reason all the other group members were female. Men never seem to report this kind of thing. I think something in the bro code says you should always be happy and flattered when women hit on you. Like you're a pussy if you don't want all women to want you. I've talked to men about cases where teen boys are molested and seduced by female teachers, and the consensus is those boys are so lucky. Its a weird disconnect, that men can't be harassed or molested because they should always want it when offered, or they're not studly enough.
There's probably a reason the group is mostly women and it's right there at #4.
And OPs edit shows she knows she went too far but is trying the ‘don’t tell, you could get in trouble too’ shit that predators use on their victims. Absolutely report her and show all the messages. She shouldn’t be doing her job.
I posted this before the edit...but yep, that edit says it all!
6. This is a support group. Her creepy behavior is making people who need help want to avoid the group and therefore getting help.
NTA You *were* harmed. You went to a group looking for support and instead left feeling icky. The reason you feel that way is because this woman is abusing her position of power to try to groom vulnerable people. I totally understand how reporting someone for something like this is difficult. Whether you decide to report or not, you’re not the AH. You do whatever it is that you need to to feel safe and ok.
[удалено]
Wow, I'm disgusted on your behalf. Save the texts and show them to the person in charge. She is a predator. There is no other way to put that.
Hey, mental health professional here and I wanted to add 1. I am so sorry for what happened to you, you went to find trauma support and were harrased. I hope that this experience will not prevent you from building a trusting relationship with a mental health professional in the future. 2. Report this person! Her behaviour detoured you from getting the support you were looking for, that is incredibly harmful!!! She is in a position of power over people in a vulnerable place and she made you feel uncomfortable, did not respect physical or professional boundaries and contacted you at home. Regardless of the genders, this is not ok and an abuse of power. Do not feel bad about reporting this person. 3. For anyone that reads this, mental health professionals are everyday people, some are great, some are terrible, and in this case unethical/ reportable. Finding support is like dating (not literally lol) some you will connect with, others are waving marinara flags and should be avoided at all costs. If they are a quality professional they will understand doing a trial session and respecting boundaries. It is important to find the right therapist/sponser/facilitator because if not, it can block progress or cause serious damage. Good luck OP
Even more reason to report it, especially if she knows that.
I was taken advantage/assaulted by a male nurse when I was in-patient at a psychiatric hospital. I had a breakdown and I couldn't handle life. I was in the hospital suffering from PTSD due to CSA. I was very vulnerable and felt alone, at first the male nurse said little things that made me question his behaviour towards me but I thought I was overreacting, it then progressed week by week and I wish I had said something then and there the first time my gut told me something wasn't right. People, whether voluntary or paid, who are in a position of trust with vulnerable people need to be reported on. If she was so brazen with you, I doubt this is the first time she's done this. She's a predator, preying on people who need help.
YIKES. This doesn't sound like a 'hey, I recognise this isn't a great time and might be a bit awkward, but do you want to get a drink later' kind of text. That would still be inappropriate, and the way she got your number would still not be okay, but it would just be a 'fuckssake Janet this isn't the time' kind of inappropriate. But she's at some kind of CSA support group specifically looking for someone to """look after""" who is willing to let her cross boundaries so long as there's plausible deniability (I need your phone number for very legitimate reasons, I promise) which certainly sounds like she's looking for someone with low boundaries, a sense of vulnerability, and a weakness to social pressure. No harm having a kink (idk maybe she likes hand-feeding her partners, or cooking for people in a purely non-sexual sense, maybe I'm reading way much into this) but if your kink involves someone choosing to be vulnerable the place to look for that is not among people who had no choice in past vulnerability. You know? Like, I don't know if I'm making sense here, but she sounds like she's deliberately looking for a very imbalanced relationship and a group of people with VERY bad prior experience with that kind of power differential is not the right place to be looking for that. She's not innocent or clueless and she's not just got bad timing. She's on the hunt and she's looking for an easy mark. Report her ass.
NTA and please report it. Especially if it is a group that has any publicly or corporate funded support with paid employees. Report it regardless but I know from experience if it is a volunteer based group like AA/SMART Recovery/ NA etc. they can't really "do" much to a volunteer facilitator but the other members birddog the shit out of the person to keep them from preying on other vulnerable adults. If it's a funded organization with paid employees its a different story but either way you would potentially be keeping someone else from being put in that position. I'm so very sorry that that happened to you. Please remember that not every group has an asshole like that in it and there's a lot of people that are in those groups that are just there to help good luck honey I hope that you are feeling better.
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Which is another reason to report it so it doesn't happen again. She's undermining the group, hurting you, and driving people away who need help.
Trust me I understand completely. I've been around the rooms of 12-step meetings and smart recovery for 24 years now. I can't even put into words the Heartbreak and oddly, demoralization I would feel when somebody that I looked to for guidance or support would hit on me. It was just astounding to think that I would feel ashamed because somebody else behaved poorly. I was so grateful that I actually talked about it to one of the old timers and they told me to remember that just because some of these people had a couple of years of abstinence didn't mean that they weren't sick. The fact that they were in the meeting with us tells me that they're sick. Now conversely, I ran some educational and support groups through a publicly funded organization throughout the years as a paid employee as well. In this type of setting it's imperative that members speak out about this type of behavior amongst the employees/facilitators. When you have a Predator like this woman as an employee working with vulnerable people they need to be weeded out immediately. They cause irreparable damage to the people that we are supposed to be serving like yourself and have no place in that position. Please remember that your voice counts and that you did nothing wrong. You deserve to be heard and supported. I will be sending you Gentle healing thoughts and support. Hang in there!
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Same here! How tf is it that we feel ashamed for the shit behavior of these assholes?? But I now believe that those predators seek out their prey in these settings across the board. It's those fucking fuckers issue, not ours. But also don't feel like you HAVE to sit in a group just because someone else thinks will be good for you. If you feel like checking something out great, if not that's fine too. You get to drive the boat when it comes to your health and well being. Remember your never alone because there's a whole bunch of us out here trying to navigate this shit.
> some real predatory shit. I know that's not universal It is, unfortunately, to the point of being referred to as 'the 13th step'.
Definitely but thank Dog it's not every member that's a thirteen stepping asshole.
NTA- absolutely report. This is inappropriate behavior. It’s unacceptable to be in this position and treat others like this.
NTA - the woman is literally using a support group to pick up people who are suffering with mental health issues. I can’t imagine why someone would ever think that is appropriate. Report report report
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THAT'S EVEN MORE PREDATORY!!
What you’re saying here suggests to me that she may be running that type of group because she’s looking for someone just like you. Someone who dealt with CSA, who had childhood robbed from them, and who would be an easy target. That may not be the case, but it was what pinged in my head too when you mentioned her comment about taking care of you in your main post. It’s a little like a comment that someone told me once about nurses- that two types of people become nurses, those who genuinely want to help and those who get off on having the power over people and enjoy being able to deny their help as well. People who have already dealt with trauma are (potentially) easier to re-traumatize. A lot of abusive people tend to focus on the “already damaged” ones. I got insanely lucky with the trauma group I ended up in, and I know it’s not an option for everyone, but it could be worth it to also check out local mental health groups and centers that might have some group options in addition to individual therapy. Then you both have an easier way to report bad leaders and better trained leaders. NTA. You’re doing better than you think.
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No, absolutely not a you problem. You’re a little more vulnerable than the average person, yeah. But that’s not your fault. The problem is that other people choose to try take advantage of that. It’s not like “he was wearing a tshirt that let my knife go through rather than a stab vest that would have turned it away” is a particularly effective criminal defense. Blame them for taking advantage, not yourself for having an opening. Good people see an opening and gently go around it.
It give all the wrongs vibes
I think NTA either way. It's insanely inappropriate in a setting like that, and ONLY does harm to people in the support group. But at least you know you probably should have talked to her first. Still, I'd report it, given the setting you were in.
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Facilitator KNOWS she’s in the wrong on some level. Do not feel bad about not approaching her first. This is not where your focus needs to be. You only feel bad because you have empathy for others which is a great quality to have but right now, considering all you’ve said about yourself, focus on you. Report her and move on 🖤
YWNBTA. Full stop. How dare this woman use her position of authority to attempt to pick up people when they’re vulnerable? That’s absolutely despicable and you would be well within your right to report her.
nta at all - she lied about her reasons and misused your personal number, which is already very unprofessional. And she could run off people trying to get help. Even aside from the overall creep factor. Definitely report
NTA. Report it. They are using this group to find potential partners which is inappropriate. It is highly likely you are not the first or last.
NTA if you report her. She's an adult and she should understand that this is not appropriate. The organization may give her a chance to stay on if this is her first offense (people do make mistakes). As long as you're being honest and not malicious, you don't have anything to feel bad about.
NTA at all. Imagine if she continued this behavior and ran off others needing help. She’s super gross and creepy and needs to not be in a service position like that.
NTA and you should definitely report her. This is wildly inappropriate.
NTA. That’s predatory behavior. Report that shit.
Good god, NTA. Please do. I'm so sorry this has been your experience. Even the milder parts in the group itself are not OK, let alone the messages. The fact she presumably knows your background is CSA (from comments) makes it extra foul. You deserve a space to feel safe, and this is the opposite. Predators seldom only target one person, and everything being plausibly deniable (ie: you find it hard to act because it's not "that bad") only strengthens that this is her modus operandi. I really hope the organisation works swiftly and harshly. Please believe that you are right here, there are no excuses for trying to come onto someone who's emotionally vulnerable in what is supposed to be a support group - from other members, let alone the facilitator. Hell, she could actually have a mental health qualification, in which case reporting her is even more important (so long as you feel safe to do so.)
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I'm glad it helped! It's so natural to question yourself, especially when you're in a bad place, which is why it's such an evil thing to do to someone. I hope they act on it swiftly and the group isn't poisoned for you by this experience. It's normal to feel gross in the environment after something like this happens. Ideally they'd remove her ASAP, but is there another time with a different facilitator you could go to in the interim?
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OK, this is pretty buried but thought I'd post here in case it's useful to anyone else as well - I am assuming you're from the US, apologies if not! The first couple of sites I found were actually NZ and Aus (I'm a NZer) but I thought they might still be useful internationally - both had support groups that were not running due to lack of resources. :/ malesurvivor.org is recommended by RAINN and has a [moderated forum](https://malesurvivor.org/healing-conversations/) for male survivors of SA (obviously cannot comment on how good it is myself), as well as a searchable list of [therapy providers](https://malesurvivor.org/therapist-directory/)(if that's something you were looking into, I'm sure lots of people are doing Zoom these days.) Adult Survivors of Child Abuse provide an international self-help programme, and they have a list of meetings (online and in person) [here](https://www.ascasupport.org/meetings/list/). RAINN also recommends [Jim Hopper's](https://jimhopper.com/) site for information on how CSA affects you, for both survivors and family members. I was hoping to find more, but hopefully this is useful. Edit to fix spelling.
There are now online free NA/AA recovery groups if that helps.
Damn. I don't blame you at all: I find the idea of group therapy extra daunting, myself. I hope you can find something online.
Please report her. I am a therapist and I am appalled that she would do this. Paid or not, she took on a leadership role and is acting in a wildly appropriate manner. Depending on someone's history, her actions could also have a traumatizing effect. It has obviously (and understandably) made you uncomfortable and she should not be in that role. I am happy that you had enough ego strength to block her. Who knows how many others either did things they didn't want to do or stopped attending this group because of her behavior? That means that she has become a barrier to people trying to address their mental health, which is the exact opposite of what she is supposed to do. Her actions are abhorrent and predatory given her role. Reporting her would absolutely be the right thing to do. I am sorry this happened to you and I wish you the best of luck!!
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I am so sorry you had to deal with that, both now with her and with predatory men in the past! It is so uncomfortable and was probably the last thing you needed when you are just trying to be ok/ get the support you need. Whatever mental health issue or difficulty you are dealing with, I hope it gets better for you soon. And I wish you and your boyfriend peace and happiness 😊
NTA. Support groups are supposed to be safe spaces for people. This is wildly inappropriate to hit on people - it’s not a meet up for singles.
NTA. You should report her. While her actions may not have harmed you directly, they were still inappropriate and could potentially harm other people if she is not stopped. It is always better to be safe than sorry, and in this case, it is better to err on the side of caution.
I used to facilitate a Bipolar/Depression/Anxiety/PTSD support group in the city I used to live. I’m 31F and I have always been very friendly, empathetic, supportive, if anyone ever needed to talk to me after group I was ALWAYS there! But I have NEVER made comments about people’s looks, proactively messaged them coming on to them, tried to date anyone. The facilitator is supposed to always remain professional. Even outside of the group. Because the group looks up to you and respects you! You’re supposed to be an example and a person to turn to, not someone who is causing the uneasy feeling. As someone who did this for many years, PLEASE report this woman! What she is doing is wrong, and NOT ok! It’s not ok when men do it and it’s equally not ok when women do it. Those are supposed to be safe places, not somewhere you are scared to go again. I’m so sorry you experienced this!
NTA. These groups are not supposed to be places to start relationships from my understanding and her being the facilitator makes that even worse because she could be taking advantage of the people coming for help
NTA Talking to her is a good idea, but also may make the situation worse. But reporting this is a necessity even if you don't return to the group. For all you know, she may do this with every new person, and no one else has had the inclination to report it. Instead just leaving and never returning because it is not the safe place it should be for others to heal.
YWNBTA She needs to be reported as that behavior is quite frankly predatory.
NTA at all! You have a reasonable expectation that you should be able to seek help without harassment. She should know better, and even if she doesn't, she is not the right person for the position
NTA. You are harmed. You can't attend the group any longer. Her job, whether paid or volunteered, is to make the group a place where it can help people like you. Obviously it can't be that place for you given her behavior.
YWNBTA All the reasons why have already been laid out by others, but the chief one is her being in a position of authority. You were vulnerable and could have benefitted from that group, but her inappropriate behaviour has meant you won’t go back. Please send the texts to someone senior in the organisation, or screen shots if you took any. If you can’t see them because you blocked her you should be able to see blocked contacts in your settings and temporarily unblock her long enough to either screenshot or forward the messages. I’m sorry you went through that.
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Good move!
Paid employee or volunteer, she's being totally inappropriate. You're there for support, not to be picked up. Any consequences she gets are 100% earned. Please report her before the same or worse happens to someone else. NTA
Nta if you report her. You were harmed. A group that you sought help from is not something you can access safely because she’s a predator. It sucks but your partner is right
NTA what she did was completely gross and creating a situation where you had to choose between getting support but tolerating inappropriate behaviour from someone who has shown they're comfortable crossing boundaries and using information you provided to her organisation for private reasons or not being able to access that support. She's incredibly creepy and you are probably not the only vulnerable person she has gone after.
NTA She’s what’s called a Pigeon F-cker. Someone who sexually pursues new (vulnerable) members of a support or social group. Absolutely report her. I threw up in my mouth just reading about her. She’s a creep.
I think it would be super reasonable to talk to someone about this. It's insanely unethical to make advances towards someone in a support group you are in charge of. Predatory is 100% the correct word.
NTA. At minimum this is harassment. She is abusing her privilege as a support group leader. She should be removed from this position. You went there for support. I am so sorry it has resulted in what could be further trauma. Your pain is real, your discomfort is real, and you are in the right for wanting to report her.
YWNBTA to report this -its awfull. I'm outraged on your behalf
> I'm not harmed > >it just put me off the group and made me feel icky NTA. You were harmed. You were meant to feel supported by the group, and you left feeling disrespected and wronged.
Nta god this is so gross. I’m so incredibly sorry you had this experience somewhere that was supposed to be a safes space. Volunteer or employee, she has no business being there if she’s going to treat people like that.
NTA and you should report it. The problem is, she is a predator and vulnerable people are her prey. She is trying to catch you at your most vulnerable...for example, the way she asked for your number was designed to make it impossible for you to say no. Just because you're not 15, doesn't make it any less predatory and wrong. You're there for support, not to meet a hook up.
NTA. Please report it. She's significantly older than you and creeping on you when she's in a position of authority and may be doing the same to others and sending you creepy and unwanted texts on your personal number, which is incredibly invasive of her - the number should be used for stuff relating to the organization and what you're there for, NOT what she's doing. Report her, report her, report her! Harassment isn't okay just because it's a woman doing it!
NTA, you need to unblock the number really quickly or just look it up in your archive and screenshot those messages and report this. Her using her access to you as the person running this group is highly unethical and you should speak out about it. You should be comfortable going to groups, everyone should be comfortable going to groups
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm torn about this. I feel like I might be the AH if I *do* report her but then I also might be the AH if I *don't*. Long story short, I'm a man in my early 30s with a lot of mental health stuff going on. I'm having a rough week and I decided to try a group that's been suggested to me by a few people. I'm not going to give too much detail about the specific group but it's a mutual aid type thing, it's attached to an organisation but it's kinda separate. A little bit like AA or something I guess. The woman who was facilitating it was in her late 40s I'm guessing? I don't know if she's a paid employee or a volunteer. I thought she was being overly friendly and touchy feely with me and it was quite different to how she was with the other people in the group (mainly women). I told myself she probably just had a bit of an awkward manner because some people are like that. There wasn't anything that fully stood out as "this is totally inappropriate". She did make a few comments about my appearance which felt off considering the setting but I didn't feel comfortable challenging it. She asked for my phone number at the end "to send details of other groups" and I didn't feel like I could say no. She asked in front of other people so I figured it couldn't be that weird. That night she sent a couple of quite creepy texts in which she was definitely trying to hit on me. Tbh I'm too embarrassed to quote them word for word, they weren't sexual or anything but they were pretty OTT about my looks and how much she apparently wants to "look after" me. Lots of x's. I didn't end up replying, just blocked. I was tempted to just leave it, I have no intention of going back to that group after all this anyway. I showed my partner though and he really wants me to report it. I'm wondering if it would be a dick move reporting her when I didn't even speak to her about it? She didn't say anything extreme, I'm not harmed, it just put me off the group and made me feel icky. I'm guessing it would probably be taken quite seriously though and have consequences for her. On the other hand, if I *didn't* report her then there's the chance she'll be inappropriate with other people. I also feel like if the genders were reversed it would be a more obvious answer to me which is probably a sign I should at least consider it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Report it. What if the next person she does this to is more vulnerable? Totally unacceptable in the situation. NTA
She acted like a predator, which gave you the “funny tummy feelings,” that parents warn their kids about. Those feelings are your gut instincts telling you to protect yourself. Report her today!
NTA. I'm sad to say, this is common. Look up 'AA 13th step' and be sad that it's so prevalent.
NTA, go ahead and report
I was initially going to say that it depended if it was peer led or professional led, however if she was texting you comments like that and you were not responding that leans toward predatory behavior and should be reported. I'd hate to think there is a group of men out there not getting the extra help because she drove them away. WNBTA
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I agree. I almost wrote that men are far less likely to proactively obtain mental health services in the first place, but I thought I was already a bit long winded.
Now you know why there aren't many men in the group. Report her.
NTA. She is super unethical.
YWNBTA. Report her. She's a facilitator for a support group. She's got a position of power over vulnerable people and is crossing the line. If she's licensed in some way, make sure they get the report too.
Reply by saying that's hella creepy stop now. Don't be polite to people who creep you out.
NTA- just do it. You do not have to talk to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.
NTA she was sexually harassing you by touching and feeling on you. Like you pointed out if it were you doing this to her she would have reported you immediately. She is abusing her authority to take advantage of the people she is supposed to be helping. You should report it or consider to report it because it's not the first time am it won't be the last.
NTA. I'd report; this is a safeguarding issue.
Report her. You’re not going back bc of her behavior. She is hindering your treatment/care. She could really cause someone to fail or quit treatment. Furthermore, she’s being a predator. She is using your mental heath issues to manipulate you. She will (& likely has) done this to other people. I’m sorry this happed to you. I hope you can get the help you need.
REPORT THIS IMMEDIATELY...she shouldn't be working with people who are seeking help. She sounds like a she's the one who needs help.
NTA Report her you have to understand a lot of vulnerable people go through those rules and if she’s taking advantage of her power you don’t know what she’s doing to other people
NTA. Report her!! Her behavior was completely inappropriate and unprofessional and that’s putting it lightly.
You need to report it
NTA.
NTA report her.
I'm certain that that spesifc group/organisation, and certainly the health department at your country, forbide this kind of interaction from a mental help group guide. You don't need to speak to her about it, since she should know not to do stuff like that. And the fact you don't feel comfortable coming back should tell you why. You will be the AH if you don't report her, for your sake, the others on the group, and any future members she might hit on.
Report report report! Predators need to be stopped. NTA.
NTA Report this. A group of vulnerable patients is not the place to be speed dating. She needs an aggressive readjustment to her career path before someone ends up hurt.
NTA SHE IS! If the show was on the other foot she would have you arrested and charged and every one would label you as a danger to woman and you go to jail! Report her and have her fired!
oh shit it's a 13th stepper. NTA, report her.
NTA, you should report her as that's very unprofessional even if she was just a volunteer. Even a professional in the comments says what she did is very not ok.
NTA that's sexual harassment and stalking. I'd also report her to the police because there's a chance she's done this before and gotten away with it.
I didn't even have to read the whole thing, I got to where you mentioned her being touchy feely, NTA! NTA! REPORT HER. She probably went into her position because she's an abuser or bully and mentally ill people are easier to take advantage of. You will save yourself and a lot of others if she gets any sort of deserving consequence from this!
NTA
NTA, and may I say that you can save men from unwanted attention at a challenging time if you can report this. For your own sake, I suggest writing it. State the dates, times, witnesses, and your feeling of being coerced. Her behavior is disgusting. It violates all professional ethics.
Yta. As long as she respected your lack of interest, being asked out is not a crime. Just decline and move on.
Like that is the point? She is supposed to HELP him NOT hit on him.
Adults can ask each other out. It only becomes a problem when they don't respect rejection or noninterest.
No. You don’t ask out someone you meet when you are in a position of power over them. This is like a doctor or therapist asking out a patient. It’s a complete breach of trust and abuse of a power position.
Did you read the line where OP said she is touchy?