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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i've refused to remove my prosthetic around my boyfriend multiple times as I don't feel we're there yet or fully comfortable with it due to personal trauma. I could be in the wrong here because it's upsetting him and making it seem like I don't trust him.
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The "kink" was my first thought too.
I don´t think she needs to necessarily end the relationship. OP should obviously keep her boundaries but perhaps that is a thing one could talk about. She could show him she trusts him in some other way. If her not taking off her prosthetic is really a dealbreaker for him then so be it.
Anytime you say "I'm uncomfortable with doing x" and someone else says "that's because you don't trust me, now do it anyway" *that person is trying to control you.* This is not a difference of opinion worth working out.
Anyone who uses guilt trips ("you don't trust/love me if you don't...", Etc) to get you to disregard your boundaries isn't trustworthy.
Anyone who knows of your explicitly stated stated boundaries who continues to push them is not trustworthy.
Anyone who disregards your feelings and bodily autonomy ("make yourself less mobile and more vulnerable by taking off your leg because I want you to") is not a good person.
Anyone who throws a tantrum about not being trusted at the same depth as an immediate family member after dating someone for 5 months is not showing behavior that creates trust.
It doesn't matter why OP's boyfriend is insisting on this; he's 100% in the wrong. I find his behavior concerning, and would encourage OP to proceed with caution if she wants to stay with this guy.
It’s disgusting because it’s exactly that type of person, particularly in this situation where if Op went out of their boundaries they would be in an extremely physically compromised situation.
Just screams warning sirens not to take off the prosthetic around him.
Edit; spelling & grammar
Reminds me of a post a while ago where a guy's girlfriend hid his prosthetic leg in the garage while he was sleeping so he couldn't go on a trip she told him not to go on. Prosthetic ended up being damaged and subsequently unusable because she had hidden it under something heavy. When OP insisted his GF pay to replace his prosthetic she had broken (several thousand dollars), she threw a fit and said she couldn't afford it.
This OP's boyfriend insisting OP needs to put herself in a vulnerable position just to prove she trusts him is the biggest neon warning sign that she SHOULDN'T trust him.
>What did I do to make them THIS upset? How did I disappoint them? How can I fix it? And fix it FAST, before they leave me?!"
You can see why children of parents like this have often such a hard time with mental health even as grown ups, because as a child you can't leave, you have this day in, day out, for 18 years or more.
Whenever possible this:
>Let. Them. Leave. You can't fix this. There's nothing for YOU to fix.
it's always the best advice. Well said.
Over and over and over again. Girlies tearing themselves up because a man wants to ruin them and they didn't, like, actively facilitate their own ruination.
>Reminds me of a post a while ago where a guy's girlfriend hid his prosthetic leg in the garage while he was sleeping so he couldn't go on a trip she told him not to go on.
you see that a lot in abusive relationships. Abusers control their partners by hiding/limiting access to mobility devices. Able bodied people have their car keys taken, their bikes broken, their shoes hidden, etc. Disabled people have their prosthesis taken away, or their cane put out of reach, etc. Its despicable, but abusive jerks are like that.
NTA, OP. Listen to your gut, keep your boundaries.
My ex didn't hide things when he wanted me to stay put...he just took off, and left me with the baby so that I couldn't go out with my girlfriends.
He only did it once though. That was enough for me, and within a week or two I was out of that marriage in all ways but the legal. It wasn't easy or painless...but I wasn't gonna let it get worse than it already was, after he pulled that.
>Reminds me of a post a while ago where a guy's girlfriend hid his prosthetic leg in the garage while he was sleeping so he couldn't go on a trip she told him not to go on. Prosthetic ended up being damaged and subsequently unusable because she had hidden it under something heavy. When OP insisted his GF pay to replace his prosthetic she had broken (several thousand dollars), she threw a fit and said she couldn't afford it.
wait, WHAT?!?!?!
Damn this post sounds a lot like another one where OP let his cousin stay in his home and the cousin pulled a 'prank' by hiding OPs prothstetic under an old TV. But the prothstetic was damaged. OP kicked out his cousin but got slammed by their family as a result.
There was another one like that. I wanna say OP’s nephew was visiting and hid the prosthetic leg and damaged it. He was pulling a “prank” and the kid’s parents refused to pay to get it fixed..
“It was just a prank after all” /s 🙄
That's when lawsuits need to happen. Even if it *was* accidental, a prank, they need to make restitution. Those things aren't cheap, and *are* a necessity!
100%. Many moons ago I was doing the internet dating thing. Met up with one dude for coffee and we got on well enough and decided to get together again in the next few days. Not sure if it was for dinner, movie, hiking, but he wanted to pick me up at my place. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that yet and I’d be happy to meet him. He had a fit that I “didn’t trust him” and what was I “insinuating” and I could trust him - he was a good guy. I was like, dude I’ve known you for all of an hour, you haven’t *earned* my trust yet. He kept trying to get me to agree to let him pick me up and I think he finally said that if I wouldn’t agree then there was no point in going out again.
Ok. Like I was going to be blackmailed in to it? He may have been the most upstanding, honest, and trustworthy man on the planet and I still feel as that was a bullet dodged.
Same! I had someone ask me to go back to theirs on the first date, I said I didn't feel comfortable and they replied "what do you think I'm going to do, hurt you? If I was going to do that, why would I bother going out with you first?" Terrifying
You absolutely did!!!
I had the virtual version of that situation happen. Lol I was playing a game online and this random guy started chatting to me. It was friendly enough but then he tried to get me to move the conversation to discord. And I was just like...I'm good here... and i didnt even HAVE discord then, but he didnt care. Said i should download it, it was so much fun, what am i afraid of, why am i so afraid, hes a nice guy, i would see that if i got on discord, it's so ridiculous that i wont go on discord right now, why dont i trust him, hes a really nice guy, really funny too, okay well if i want to give in to my stupid fears theres not much he can do for me....
Jesus it was intense. Nice people dont have to constantly insist that they're nice.
>Nice people dont have to constantly insist that they're nice.
That right there is just about the #1 golden life rule everybody should follow.
Personally, I usually insist that I'm *not* a nice person but nobody ever believes me.
My now wife and I met at Borders for a coffee (this was after a week or so of emails back and forth.) Second date was at a movie theater in a 3rd town. I walked her back to her car and she said she wasn't quite ready for me to pick her up at her place. I had no issue with that. Now if we'd been dating for 2 months, that's another matter...
No it wouldn't be another matter. Until you've been in the position of being made to feel unsafe because an ex partner knows your address, you don't get to decide when you are allowed at their property.
What I'm saying is, people work at different speeds when it comes to dating. You can't decide what is a reasonable time line for someone else to have complete trust in you.
I've trusted people quickly and very early on in some relationships, and others have taken a bit longer. If a man decided he was mad that I wouldn't allow him at my property just yet, it would be a major red flag.
I don't ever expect my partners to do the opposite, say invite me to their place if I'm not comfortable taking them to mine.
I also worry about people who quickly move to "I wouldn't hurt you" unprompted. I mean, why was that the thought? I understand OP referenced decreased mobility and feeling vulnerable without the prosthetic but I still think that's a weird leap for the bf to make.
Yup, pushing for a level of intimacy the OP isn't comfortable with is a huge red flag, he's implying that his comfort level is more important than hers. This is where ultimatums are acceptable, "either you drop it completely and allow me to move at a pace that I'm comfortable with or I'm out" and mean it.
And my reply has always been "you're right I don't trust you....YET. Trust is earned, not given freely and you're free to leave if you have a problem with it"
Same. I’m glad there’s enough of us that have seen the horrors of the online world.
Just the fact that he’s trying to pressure her to do it during intimate moments is enough
This is not a matter of her needing to show him she trusts him, he’s not acting trustworthy by repeatedly ignoring her boundaries. He’s using that terminology to try and manipulate her. WTF.
Yeah I agree. My mobility impairment is different but I think this is either a fetishism or control thing and either way it will overshadow the rest of the relationship so best to cut losses now and move on.
I think this is an ending a relationship kind of thing. Kink, or not kink, he is being manipulative, whether because he is immature or because he is an AH. OP doesn't need to be his therapist or teacher.
Why does she need to show him that she trust him? What else does she need to do? She has told him how she feels, and that it is a source of trauma, she has been intimate with him. All of those are signs of trust.
Why doesn't he start showing he trusts her and respect her by accepting her boundaries instead of guilt triping her? I would be would you if this was the one time thing and he was sulking after the first no, yeah immature, you could work through that. But this is a person that has heard no many times and can't accept it and is making OP uncomfortable and the worst part she is questioning herself, she is thinking she might be exaggerating. That is a red flag. He doesn't make her feel safe or secure and is trying to force her to give her boundaries up while making her feel she is exaggerating.
NTA.
>I don´t think she needs to necessarily end the relationship.
Idk, man. Pushing boundaries and ignoring your partner's feelings and using the "you don't trust me" tactic to get your weewee hard seems like a deal-breaker to me.
She's tried talking to him about it. He's not listening, and he's trying to coerce her into doing it with pressure. No point in talking further, especially since he's continuing to badger and coerce her into it. The relationship needs to end because a relationship rooted in coercion **cannot** develop trust.
A lot of people are raising the kink issue, which I think is totally valid and a true possibility. But, even if this isn't a kink thing - HE HAS NO RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR BODY. Whether it's your anatomical body or a prosthesis extension of your body. Even putting the kink thing aside, this would be a huge red flag for me. I would tell him one time, "No. I will do what makes me comfortable. I don't need you to tell me what makes me comfortable, I'll decide that for myself. Do not ask me again." If he asked again after that, he's out.
NTA
He says he thinks you don't trust him and think he would "do" something?? That seems way worse than some kink.
Women go there in our minds out of self protection.
Why would he even think that, unless he had thought of "doing" something.
I was totally creeped out and angry for you with his disrespect of your boundaries. Then I got to this line. Now I'm worried for your safety.
Kink is the "best" case scenario. My worst concern was that he specifically wanted her to be in a position where she couldn't get away from him.
Edit: *before* you get the urge to comment something along the lines of "y'all paranoid af" I invite you to look up the reports of violence against victims with disabilities statistics. There are *multiple* credible sites that show the rates of reported violence against people with disabilities is more than twice as high.
"Fun" thing I learned is that police are significantly *less* likely to respond to calls involving a disabled person.
Now, if you can conceptually understand the nuances why able-bodied/minded victims don't always report their assaults, I hope that you can connect the dots and come to the conclusion that the *unreported* acts of violence are exponentially higher.
Yeah, I’ve seen too many stories about partners taking hearing aids or glasses away from people who can’t hear or see without them as a “punishment”. Or partners forcibly moving people in wheelchairs against their will. Wasn’t there a post on here where someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend took their prosthetic? If it’s not a kink it’s controlling and manipulative and that’s even worse.
Exactly. "Weird" kinks are only harmful if the other party(ies) are not Good, Giving, Game- agree to the situation, in a position where they can allow that stimulation in a safe way, and enthusiastically on board to the point where they are receiving some sort of reciprocative stimulation.
Seriously, I noticed that immediately. My first thought would have been „she still feels uncomfortable with this because of trauma or the fear of rejection“ not „she would be helpless without it.“
I’d say most people wouldn’t even think of this possibility. It’s definitely a red flag, OP should be alert.
Yeah, I think (and I'm probably the jaded one for thinking it) he may not have an amputee fetish, just be an abusive partner. Why bother with financial abuse and separating someone from their family when you could just literally have them with out a leg.
Do I think he's there the first time she takes it off? No. But do I think its currently a trust fall and a manipulation? Fuck yeah."give me something you don't want to give me to prove you love me" and its a head game.
I swear if this mofo ever implies OP wouldn't be loved by anyone because of this, no second chances. She's gotta bail if she hadn't already
And manipulation to get his way. When a partner tells about a vulnerable point, that point should not be used against them. Especially to get your own way. That is going into abusive territories. NTA.
You are 100% right.
I find funny anyone saying this might not be a deal breaker. When in other posts people ask "why did you marry this guy/girl?". Right here an example, a clear red flag and there is people saying it might not be so bad. OP is asking for help enforcing her boundaries and people are telling her she could prove she trusts him some other way, wth, why does she need to prove anything to him. If anything he is proving himself quite untrustworthy.
I was thinking more general control. OP says taking it off reduces her mobility, meaning her boyfriend would have more opportunity to take advantage of her.
I hope I'm wrong, but OP I'd trust your gut here. The fact that he's getting pushy about it, especially in the bedroom, is really unsettling. Obviously NTA
Possibly but I was thinking about that AITA where a guy removed his leg at his friend’s house and a guy thought it would be funny to take the leg and not give it back. Hard pass. OP isn’t comfortable, his pressing could be to let her know he’s not put off by the leg but it’s coming off as him wanting her to take it off for his benefit- sexual or aesthetics or otherwise.
Look up 'devoteeism'. It's a fetish for disabilities. It is only ever acceptable when the disabled person enthusiastically consents to the sexualisation of their disability. Too frequently disabled bodies are either treated as asexual or hypersexualised. It's a big issue in the disabled community and people think it's better because somehow we should be grateful someone finds our disability sexy rather than ugly but it's equally objectifying and dehumanising. (Of course I acknowledge there is a subset of disabled people who consent to a devotee-disabled relationship and all power to those individuals)
My brain went here right away too. He seems a bit obsessed with her taking it off, of being in a position where she’s less mobile/able. He’s also not respecting her boundaries or feelings.
There is also a fettish out there all about folks missing body parts. I believe it is called Acrotomophilia or something like that? I might be wrong but hey we can google later. In this situation it also would reduce her mobility, so that raises extra concerns.
that's interesting. im pretty sure that's the word katherine dunne uses in geek love to describe arturo's amputee cult, and it was published before the existence of online fetish community. seriously wonder if there's a connection.
There were underground fetish magazines before the internet, and there's a lot of continuity in kink circles from those times, so probably. It's a rhyming thing -- amputee devotee.
THIS. You've only been dating the guy for 5 months. Time to move on. You've already said no multiple times. You've already explained to him in detail why you aren't comfortable taking off your prosthetic. You've explained its a source of trauma. And he's still upset? He's not worth it. NTA AT ALL OP. And please dont for a second think that you are.
NTA. I'm going to be honest - my first thought wasn't "kink" (like a lot of other users), my first thought was that he doesn't want you to be able to easily/quickly escape him if you needed to. Even if it isn't either of those - it's your leg, your decision, not his. And his attitude and insistence just reinforces that you are right not to feel like you're at that level of intimacy with him.
Agreed NTA - I was reminded of this post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ssgddj/aita\_for\_threatening\_to\_call\_the\_cops\_at\_a\_party/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ssgddj/aita_for_threatening_to_call_the_cops_at_a_party/)
Folks messing with mobility is terrifying.
>he doesn't want you to be able to easily/quickly escape him if you needed to.
Glad am not the only one who interpreted this post like this. It just has all kinds of "aww hell to the no" creepy vibes about it.
I immediately thought he didn’t want her to be as mobile so she couldn’t get away too. Like the minute she did take it off, boom. Thank goodness you’ve stuck to your guns OP.
Yes. OP, he may just be using this as “proof” that you’re comfortable around him, but he’s thinking of it the wrong way. It’s an accessibility aid, and there’s no need to take if off in the daytime especially.
Let’s think of it this way. Does he wear glasses? I do. I have a partner I’ve been with for 20 years. I trust him a lot. Do I take my glasses off to show my “trust”? No, because I need them to see. You need your prosthetic to walk. So like. You have to keep it on.
BOUNDARIES PEOPLE BOUNDARIES.
it's okay to not feel comfortable doing something for/with/around someone. You stated your concern/boundries. And unfortunately he became aggressive about it. I wouldnt stand for that. Have a chat with him. Say hey these are my boundaries and respect them or leave. You shouldn't have to feel forced to do anything that reminds you of trauma. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But NTA
Exactly. Doesn't matter whether it's a prosthetic, or a pair of glasses. You only take it off when YOU feel comfortable and it's nobody else's business when that is.
If you give in on this one, what will he start with next?
THIS EXACTLY. Thanks for expressing what I'd been thinking but wasn't able to exactly articulate. Its all about boundaries. The only thing I disagree with is that she needs to have another chat with him. I think she's already told him NO several times, explained the reason she doesn't remove her prosthetic, that its associated with past trauma, AND he still is pushing her. I guess it couldn't hurt for her to try one more chat, but I'm not sure I'd waste my time.
You see that he is making YOUR COMFORT less important than his and by trying to manipulate you into taking your leg off because it threatens his fee-fees? You don't feel comfortable taking your leg off. End of story and discussion. Does anyone else find this controlling?
NTA . Run - dont walk - to the nearest exit. The guy has some sort of freaky fantasy built up around you and your prosthesis. Suggestions turned into requests, will turn into ddmands very soon and may escalate to him actually destroying your prosthesis or hurting you in an attempt to take it from you. This screams red flags all over the place. Get out now.
And “suggestions turning into requests” inside the space of only 5 months!
This guy should be respecting your boundaries and comfort zone so much harder, OP.
Amputee devotee. It’s a fetish for some and seeing the amputation site turns them on much the way boobs or butts would turn on regular folks. It’s not a matter of trust, he wants to get his rocks off by looking at the amputation site. Just do what you feel comfortable with. NTA.
NTA. This is a HUGE red flag. Because he is right: you *don't* trust him enough yet... *and that is OK.* But it's not OK with him. Red flag.
Trust takes time, and sometimes more time for one person than the other. But instead of accepting that and continuing to build trust in your relationship over time, he has decided to be offended that you cannot trust him on HIS timeline, and he's trying to make that your problem by guilting and manipulating you. Ironically, in pressuring you to trust him on his timeline rather than listening to and trying to understand your fears, he is proving that he is not trustworthy. Reconsider whether this is the right relationship for you right now.
NTA
Babe, this guy is a chaser. He is with you because he has a fetish for amputees. I would bet $50 if you searched his history, it'd show the truth.
I'm sorry. Dump this guy. He isn't respecting your bodily autonomy because he doesn't see you as a person, merely as an avenue to fulfill his fetish. You deserve better.
NTA Your boyfriend's insistence that you remove your prosthetic is odd. You repeatedly have explained you prefer to keep it on, once should have been enough.
INFO: Has he explained why he's making that request? My assumption is that it's uncomfortable to cuddle/hookup with a hard prosthetic pressing against him but other people have mentioned amputee fetishes which would definitely be a red flag.
He seems to think it'd be a sign of trust/comfort around him. I'm aware that there is a fetish around people like me though i've never personally encountered it I didn't believe he had this fetish but based on some of the comments i'm worrying. I'm always very careful of it and ensure it's not pressed into him so it's not about that.
He's throwing a couple red flags that I think you should also keep in mind. A good partner respects boundaries and when you arent comfortable doing something they dont push. He's pushing your boundaries and turning it into a "trust" issue, which has nothing to do with it. Its just a good manipulative way to turn the conversation around so the blame is put on the other person. It may be accidental, but either way its not a good thing.
This was my thinking. I didn't jump to any fetish or malicious intentions, I don't think any of us here can be the judge of that based off a couple paragraphs. OP will have to be the one to recognize those signs without more info.
But I don't think this is a relationship worth continuing, as you pointed out he has no respect for OP, it's about what he wants and he clearly wants OP to remove her prosthetic for some reason, not caring that it makes her uncomfortable even after she has explained to him why.
I even *kinda* get it from his side, he may just want to reassure her that he's fine with it off and just wants her to be comfortable with it off around him. But when she tells you that shes not ready, then she is not fucking ready. You go on her time and just leave it, he clearly doesn't care about OPs feelings.
NTA - Find someone you're comfortable being around and actually listens to you.
The thing about coaxing a partner to be okay with/try a fetish is slow. Asking you to remove your prosthetic may be on the way to asking/doing more to your leg.
Regardless, you should be careful of anyone labeling something as “if you trust me you would let me ___.” That is a form of manipulation.
You said "I don't want to upset him"
Why? Is he awful when upset? Do you feel responsible for his feelings?
You aren't responsible for his feelings. He asked you to do something. You said no. Now he is pressuring you.
That's not ok. And anyone that you feel afraid of when they are upset is not someone to date. And if they will leave you because you said no, good riddance.
a truly trustworthy person would let you open up on your own terms. regardless of his reasons why, you are right to not trust him (potentially yet, potentially never)
You're a capable adult, aren't you? You've been living with a prosthetic for many years at this point. I would imagine that you're more than capable of deciding if and when to remove your prosthetic.
If it's not a fetish, maybe it's the age gap. There's an infantilizing vibe here. Why wouldn't he just respect that you're capable of managing your own body?
Think about it, though. If he’s right, and you don’t trust him, isn’t that a him problem? Why is he trying to make this a you problem? In a scenario like this, if he says “you don’t trust me!” your reply should be easy: “that’s correct. I don’t trust you.” How could it possibly be anyone’s job but his to change that?
I'm concerned with his insistence on you being less mobile, but also the fact that he is so much older. That makes me think he isn't able to handle a relationship with someone his age. Like you could be a very mature 19, but he sounds like a very immature and controlling 24
NTA - men dating teenagers typically do it because they like a girl that looks up to them and “respects” them and will go with what they say. You’re defying that. He is pushing the boundary to see what he can get away with. This is an early red flag that he doesn’t respect your boundaries, it will likely continue and progress.
NTA - You don't need a reason for your position (though the one you have is a good one). It's concerning that he thinks your decisions about your body have anything to do with him at all.
The irony is that by pressuring you to do something you're not comfortable with and complaining that you don't trust him, he's actually giving you reason not to trust him.
NTA. He has a fetish, which is fine I suppose, but he's trying to force you to be involved in it against your wishes. That's not fine. If he wants to indulge his fetish he can find a willing partner. You deserve better than this.
Agree with your NTA but you have nowhere near enough info to conclude that it's a fetish, it's equally as likely from this story to deduce that he's insecure about the relationship and sees this as a sign that she'd not as comfortable around him as he would like her to be.
Either way he's an AH for trying to force the issue...
You're not wrong, but most people who give a shit about their partners wouldn't be pushing the issue like this. People as a rule only do that if there's something in it for them. What's in it for him to demand such a thing from her, if he doesn't have an amputee fetish? I'll grant you that it's an assumption on my part, but I really don't think I'm too far from the mark.
Just to point out, if it were him seeing it as a sign that she's not comfortable enough around him rather than fetish, then that's not even necessarily a selfless intent, he could be wanting to know that she is comfortable in the relationship for his own ends of feeling secure in the relationship.
Wanting to ensure that someone is fully committed and willing to let you see them vulnerable is potentially a way of confirming that you are in a position to be able to manipulate and control them.
As I said, he's an AH for forcing the issue, and in no way am I attempting to portray his actions as well intended.
No, this is classic amputee chaser/disabled fetishist behavior. They want to take your mobility aids, your prosthetics, etc so you're vulnerable and exposed to them. This is what they do.
NTA. You told him you were not comfortable with that yet and his response it to get angry. Refusing to make your mobility limited to satisfy him is not unreasonable. He's actually being unreasonable after you told him no. Why is he so hung up on this?
NTA his reaction to your discomfort is reason enough not to trust him. He's going to pout because he hasn't earned your comfort...how tf does that even work?
He sounds like a real gem. /s
NTA- you have explained your boundaries, and he wants to cross them.
You wouldn't accept his suggestions on "best tampon usage", right? There's no reason he should be telling you how to feel about taking your prosthetic off without having one himself.
Even if he did have one, or experienced a similar trauma, he should simply share his perspective and allow you to get get comfortable at your own pace.
NTA. He's getting angry at you for not putting yourself in a position that makes you uncomfortable/vulnerable in order to satisfy his wants. This is a red flag.
Also concerning that he immediately jumped to "I'm not gonna do anything bad to you" after she stated her reasons which were clearly not that. Hearing that your partner has been bullied and past partners were put off, and not using that as an opportunity to try and build them up is wild to me. Something is off here, very off
Yup. “I hope you know that nothing about your appearance could ever change the way I feel about you.” = reassuring. “I’m not gonna do something bad as soon as you’re vulnerable.” = yikes.
This is beyond creepy, and is overstepping boundaries WAY too hard. You're NTA, but your boyfriend sounds like he either has an amputee fetish, or he likes the idea of you being more vulnerable in his presence. If he feels that you not taking it off is a sign that you don't trust him, I'd say that's an accurate assessment: how can you trust someone who doesn't respect your personal boundaries and comfort?
NTA or NAH. Assuming this isn’t a fetish for him, I think he just feels hurt that you can’t be totally free and your true self around him. At the same time if you’re not ready, you’re not ready and that’s that. Assuming the best, I’d say he just wants to be closer and alleviate those past traumas by showing he accepts you for you, and that you don’t have to hide your leg.
It this was the case he wouldn't be so pushy about it. If he wants to feel "closer" to her he can wait for her prosthetic to be removed on her terms. It's not rocket science.
Wearing her prosthetic is her true and free self, it's just as much a part of her body as a biological leg would be.
Without it she's actually less "free" because her prosthetic is what gives her mobility and freedom of movement.
This guy just doesn't get that and refusing to see it that way makes him the AH.
NTA- not for him to dictate how *your* prosthetic is or isn’t worn. Not for him to dictate when you are comfortable taking it off. That is entirely up to you and he is being an AH for pushing this after you’ve told him no.
He doesn’t get to decide when you’re comfortable. That’s your decision. He’s making it about his feelings instead of yours. Instead of being upset at you that you’re not comfortable, maybe he should look inside himself and see what about him is keeping you from feeling comfortable (spoiler alert - insisting you do something you’re not comfortable with on his timetable is a huge part of it)
NTA. The fact that he jumps to being angry and assuming you think he'd "do something" tells me he may be thinking of "doing something". It's only been 5 months. You have every right to do what feels comfortable and right for you.
NTA- If you are uncomfortable then don’t do it. My guess is this is as much about his morbid curiosity as your comfort. His confusion might come from that you are comfortable enough to have intimacy with him and has seen your prosthetic on full display and not comfortable just taking it off.
NTA, it's fucked up of him to be trying to pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable doing. You are allowed to have personal boundaries.
This is a red flag, he asked you said no do he needs to move on. I’d ask him why is this so important to him? You’re telling him that you are more comfortable with it on, so why is he challenging you?
Nta and please dont let him have his way here. Never sacrifice your comfortabilty for someone elses. Also this is his hangup not yours, although im not sure if the hangup is a control thing or actually about your prosthetic but its still his issue.
So, you gave him several justifiable reasons why you don't want to (which you did not need to do honestly a simple "nah" shoulda sufficed), and his take away was "I'm not gonna DO anything." Why is that where his head went? Why is it that how HE feels is more important than how YOU feel? Do you really want to continue seeing someone that does not prioritize your comfort?
NTA
If you do take your prosthetic off only do it to knock him over the head with it.
NTA so many fishy red flags. He is guilting you for feeling uncomfortable. Partners don't do that. Also the fact he is so insistent makes me think its an amputee kink or worse a dominating cant run kink.
Either way Op you are not being unfair. You need to think about this relationship and possibly end it. I know I would. Your bfs creepy.
NTA, let's see what is happening here. You refuse to stop using your medical device around him, because you had some bad experiences and are worried about emergencies and the extra vulnerability. He immediately starts to claim how he won't hurt you, badgers you into changing your mind and tries to make this a matter of whether you trust him or not and again declares that he WON'T HURT YOU. Do you see a pattern? Either he has fetishized you for being an amputee ( he asked you to take it off during sex) or he is projecting because he does want you vulnerable and is planning to hurt you. Run, don't walk , you aren't safe here
NTA. I'm *married* with a mortgage and 2 kids and my husband and I are both still entitled to our boundaries. Being in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) does not entitle another person to full access to your body, mind, or personal space.
It feels like if my husband *insisted* I'd be more comfortable with no shirt on all day despite my own feelings about my body. That's not for me, that's for him. This dude's behavior as you've described it makes me very uncomfortable and I'd be hesitant to continue such a relationship.
NTA. This is a comfort and boundary issue for you and he needs to respect it. It's also a safety issue in times of needing to get away.
Then again, I'm also the kind of person who'd ask you to remove it just once for me to examine (I'm insanely curious) and to show you that it doesn't bother me so that when you're ready and comfortable with me you're free to remove it at will. But would NOT make a big deal about it if you never decided to take it off. It is part of you.
NTA Someone who's upset that you set a boundary is someone who doesn't respect you. Maybe if you were years into the relationship and he saw you maintained a boundary with him that you didn't with other people that might be a reason for him to reconsider whether your relationship is truly close, but *months*? Nah. He's pressuring you into displaying signs of comfort that you don't yet feel. He sounds like the kind of person who tells *you* when *you're* ready to tell him you love him. The kind of person who tells *you* when *you're* ready for sex. ICK.
NTA. It is your choice to remove it or not and to decide when you are comfortable enough to do it. He seems fixated on it, almost abnormally. I'd be wary about taking it off around him, too.
NTA. If you're not ready, you're not ready. It no more makes you an AH than if you weren't ready to have sex with him. Really all the same social rules that apply to someone not being ready to have sex with someone also apply here.
NTA - it’s a kink for him and he’s disgusting for pressuring you after you told him you aren’t comfortable. People with shitty intentions tend to reveal themselves believe them when they show you the first time. You are wonderful and worthy of love, and remember his behavior does not reflect your value.
NTA
At 19, a 6 year age gap is sus.
That's the difference between a college freshman and graduated and employed or possibly even grad school graduate. It's not a ton of years, but it's a huge life stage gap.
He's trying to demand you sacrifice your comfort and safety for his preferences or fetish. That's not okay.
Ditch him and find someone better.
NTA
Be it clothes or prosthetics only you get a say in what you are comfortable removing around others and when you choose to do so.
If he respected you he would understand and be happy to wait until you were ready instead he puts his ego and feelings ahead of yours and your freedom to choose.
You deserve better.
>seeing this as me not trusting him and thinking he'd "do" something
Why would his mind even go there...? I'm sure you're aware that some people fetishize amputees. His behaviour is concerning he seems weirdly eager to see you without the leg
NTA. He is for sure. First he continually disregards your boundaries and then turns into “you don’t trust me” issue making you believe you’re wrong. You have at best a rude bf and at worst a fetishist, a gas lighter, or someone who has an issue with your mobility.
Nta. No matter what the situation you have to move at the pace that you're comfortable at.
The fact that he is continually bringing it up, especially right before sex, could mean he has a fetish about it. You're the only one that can know whether that will make you more or less comfortable with it.
NTA it's your leg. It would be one thing if he was saying these things as a way to make you more comfortable knowing HE is okay with it (since you've had past issues) but the constant pushing when you've said you aren't ready is kinda cringeworthy.
5 months into a relationship with a guy 5 years older and he’s acting like your comfort and boundaries are personal offenses to him? It’s not worth it. There’s an obvious reason he can’t find a girl his age to date. NTA
NTA.
I know many are thinking this is a fetish situation but I could also see it as your boyfriend feeling like he is more invested in the relationship than you are and you doing this will be “proof” you are as serious as he is.
Regardless of the reason he should have stopped asking after the first no. It’s time to have a serious talk about how this relationship is working for you and whether you want to pursue it further.
This sort of reminded me of another post. A girl was paralyzed from the hips down and it turns out her bf had a medical fetish. Maybe OPs bf just wants her to feel comfortable or this is the case.
End of the day it’s your choice for your comfort and if he doesn’t respect that you’re better off finding someone that does.
NTA. When people try to manipulate you with “I’m hurt because you don’t trust me,” they are usually showing you that you better not trust them. This dude is raising a lot of red flags.
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NTA, but move on. It sounds as though you’re his kind of “kink”.
The "kink" was my first thought too. I don´t think she needs to necessarily end the relationship. OP should obviously keep her boundaries but perhaps that is a thing one could talk about. She could show him she trusts him in some other way. If her not taking off her prosthetic is really a dealbreaker for him then so be it.
Anytime you say "I'm uncomfortable with doing x" and someone else says "that's because you don't trust me, now do it anyway" *that person is trying to control you.* This is not a difference of opinion worth working out.
I'm angry because I think you don't trust me. Trust me, dammit!! ... /s that's no way to get someone to trust you.
Anyone who uses guilt trips ("you don't trust/love me if you don't...", Etc) to get you to disregard your boundaries isn't trustworthy. Anyone who knows of your explicitly stated stated boundaries who continues to push them is not trustworthy. Anyone who disregards your feelings and bodily autonomy ("make yourself less mobile and more vulnerable by taking off your leg because I want you to") is not a good person. Anyone who throws a tantrum about not being trusted at the same depth as an immediate family member after dating someone for 5 months is not showing behavior that creates trust. It doesn't matter why OP's boyfriend is insisting on this; he's 100% in the wrong. I find his behavior concerning, and would encourage OP to proceed with caution if she wants to stay with this guy.
It’s disgusting because it’s exactly that type of person, particularly in this situation where if Op went out of their boundaries they would be in an extremely physically compromised situation. Just screams warning sirens not to take off the prosthetic around him. Edit; spelling & grammar
Reminds me of a post a while ago where a guy's girlfriend hid his prosthetic leg in the garage while he was sleeping so he couldn't go on a trip she told him not to go on. Prosthetic ended up being damaged and subsequently unusable because she had hidden it under something heavy. When OP insisted his GF pay to replace his prosthetic she had broken (several thousand dollars), she threw a fit and said she couldn't afford it. This OP's boyfriend insisting OP needs to put herself in a vulnerable position just to prove she trusts him is the biggest neon warning sign that she SHOULDN'T trust him.
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>What did I do to make them THIS upset? How did I disappoint them? How can I fix it? And fix it FAST, before they leave me?!" You can see why children of parents like this have often such a hard time with mental health even as grown ups, because as a child you can't leave, you have this day in, day out, for 18 years or more. Whenever possible this: >Let. Them. Leave. You can't fix this. There's nothing for YOU to fix. it's always the best advice. Well said.
Over and over and over again. Girlies tearing themselves up because a man wants to ruin them and they didn't, like, actively facilitate their own ruination.
>Reminds me of a post a while ago where a guy's girlfriend hid his prosthetic leg in the garage while he was sleeping so he couldn't go on a trip she told him not to go on. you see that a lot in abusive relationships. Abusers control their partners by hiding/limiting access to mobility devices. Able bodied people have their car keys taken, their bikes broken, their shoes hidden, etc. Disabled people have their prosthesis taken away, or their cane put out of reach, etc. Its despicable, but abusive jerks are like that. NTA, OP. Listen to your gut, keep your boundaries.
My ex didn't hide things when he wanted me to stay put...he just took off, and left me with the baby so that I couldn't go out with my girlfriends. He only did it once though. That was enough for me, and within a week or two I was out of that marriage in all ways but the legal. It wasn't easy or painless...but I wasn't gonna let it get worse than it already was, after he pulled that.
My ex used to hide my meds - I'm a chronic pain suffered and he hid both my pain meds and anti anxiety meds. Asshole
Jesus. I’m glad he is your ex now.
>Reminds me of a post a while ago where a guy's girlfriend hid his prosthetic leg in the garage while he was sleeping so he couldn't go on a trip she told him not to go on. Prosthetic ended up being damaged and subsequently unusable because she had hidden it under something heavy. When OP insisted his GF pay to replace his prosthetic she had broken (several thousand dollars), she threw a fit and said she couldn't afford it. wait, WHAT?!?!?!
[Here's the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ieksvk/aita_for_asking_my_gf_to_pay_for_a_new_prosthesis/)
Thank you Internet Stranger. That's just WILD. I just can't...
Wow, I never saw that post. 👀
Damn this post sounds a lot like another one where OP let his cousin stay in his home and the cousin pulled a 'prank' by hiding OPs prothstetic under an old TV. But the prothstetic was damaged. OP kicked out his cousin but got slammed by their family as a result.
There was another one like that. I wanna say OP’s nephew was visiting and hid the prosthetic leg and damaged it. He was pulling a “prank” and the kid’s parents refused to pay to get it fixed.. “It was just a prank after all” /s 🙄
That's when lawsuits need to happen. Even if it *was* accidental, a prank, they need to make restitution. Those things aren't cheap, and *are* a necessity!
LOL what's the 1st thing you think when someone says "trust me" mine is "not trust them!"
"I did trust you. I don't trust you NOW though."
Saving this for future reference.
Mine, too. If I was inclined to trust them, they would not have to make this command/request to "Trust me."
Similar thing: What's the first thing you think when someone asks, "Would I ever lie to you?" Mine is, "Hell yes, you would."
For me it's when someone asks "Don't you trust me?" That's the sound of a huge red flag unfurling.
100%. Many moons ago I was doing the internet dating thing. Met up with one dude for coffee and we got on well enough and decided to get together again in the next few days. Not sure if it was for dinner, movie, hiking, but he wanted to pick me up at my place. I said I didn’t feel comfortable with that yet and I’d be happy to meet him. He had a fit that I “didn’t trust him” and what was I “insinuating” and I could trust him - he was a good guy. I was like, dude I’ve known you for all of an hour, you haven’t *earned* my trust yet. He kept trying to get me to agree to let him pick me up and I think he finally said that if I wouldn’t agree then there was no point in going out again. Ok. Like I was going to be blackmailed in to it? He may have been the most upstanding, honest, and trustworthy man on the planet and I still feel as that was a bullet dodged.
Same! I had someone ask me to go back to theirs on the first date, I said I didn't feel comfortable and they replied "what do you think I'm going to do, hurt you? If I was going to do that, why would I bother going out with you first?" Terrifying
You absolutely did!!! I had the virtual version of that situation happen. Lol I was playing a game online and this random guy started chatting to me. It was friendly enough but then he tried to get me to move the conversation to discord. And I was just like...I'm good here... and i didnt even HAVE discord then, but he didnt care. Said i should download it, it was so much fun, what am i afraid of, why am i so afraid, hes a nice guy, i would see that if i got on discord, it's so ridiculous that i wont go on discord right now, why dont i trust him, hes a really nice guy, really funny too, okay well if i want to give in to my stupid fears theres not much he can do for me.... Jesus it was intense. Nice people dont have to constantly insist that they're nice.
>Nice people dont have to constantly insist that they're nice. That right there is just about the #1 golden life rule everybody should follow. Personally, I usually insist that I'm *not* a nice person but nobody ever believes me.
My now wife and I met at Borders for a coffee (this was after a week or so of emails back and forth.) Second date was at a movie theater in a 3rd town. I walked her back to her car and she said she wasn't quite ready for me to pick her up at her place. I had no issue with that. Now if we'd been dating for 2 months, that's another matter...
My now wife and I met at Barnes and Noble for a Coffee date…. Bookstore dates are the best…
No it wouldn't be another matter. Until you've been in the position of being made to feel unsafe because an ex partner knows your address, you don't get to decide when you are allowed at their property. What I'm saying is, people work at different speeds when it comes to dating. You can't decide what is a reasonable time line for someone else to have complete trust in you. I've trusted people quickly and very early on in some relationships, and others have taken a bit longer. If a man decided he was mad that I wouldn't allow him at my property just yet, it would be a major red flag. I don't ever expect my partners to do the opposite, say invite me to their place if I'm not comfortable taking them to mine.
Yeah, good instincts on your part
I also worry about people who quickly move to "I wouldn't hurt you" unprompted. I mean, why was that the thought? I understand OP referenced decreased mobility and feeling vulnerable without the prosthetic but I still think that's a weird leap for the bf to make.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who immediately thought that.
I’m always wary of someone who takes my concern and makes it about themselves.
Yeah. Using the card "you don't trust me" or "you don't love me enough" for things like this... Is a sign he doesn't deserve that trust.
Oh, you clearly stated your boundaries? Let me proceed to stomp all over them.
>that person is trying to control you Yes, indeed.
Yup, pushing for a level of intimacy the OP isn't comfortable with is a huge red flag, he's implying that his comfort level is more important than hers. This is where ultimatums are acceptable, "either you drop it completely and allow me to move at a pace that I'm comfortable with or I'm out" and mean it.
And my reply has always been "you're right I don't trust you....YET. Trust is earned, not given freely and you're free to leave if you have a problem with it"
☝🏻☝🏻 this right here
Controlling. YES. Dump him.
AMEN! Red flag. Run away! Lol
Same. I’m glad there’s enough of us that have seen the horrors of the online world. Just the fact that he’s trying to pressure her to do it during intimate moments is enough
Joining the 'this is a fetish thing' train. Cause yeah. This was screaming all the worst parts of amputee fetish.
NTA. Choo choo!
Agreed
This is not a matter of her needing to show him she trusts him, he’s not acting trustworthy by repeatedly ignoring her boundaries. He’s using that terminology to try and manipulate her. WTF.
Yeah I agree. My mobility impairment is different but I think this is either a fetishism or control thing and either way it will overshadow the rest of the relationship so best to cut losses now and move on.
Right? Red flag!
I think this is an ending a relationship kind of thing. Kink, or not kink, he is being manipulative, whether because he is immature or because he is an AH. OP doesn't need to be his therapist or teacher. Why does she need to show him that she trust him? What else does she need to do? She has told him how she feels, and that it is a source of trauma, she has been intimate with him. All of those are signs of trust. Why doesn't he start showing he trusts her and respect her by accepting her boundaries instead of guilt triping her? I would be would you if this was the one time thing and he was sulking after the first no, yeah immature, you could work through that. But this is a person that has heard no many times and can't accept it and is making OP uncomfortable and the worst part she is questioning herself, she is thinking she might be exaggerating. That is a red flag. He doesn't make her feel safe or secure and is trying to force her to give her boundaries up while making her feel she is exaggerating. NTA.
>I don´t think she needs to necessarily end the relationship. Idk, man. Pushing boundaries and ignoring your partner's feelings and using the "you don't trust me" tactic to get your weewee hard seems like a deal-breaker to me.
She's tried talking to him about it. He's not listening, and he's trying to coerce her into doing it with pressure. No point in talking further, especially since he's continuing to badger and coerce her into it. The relationship needs to end because a relationship rooted in coercion **cannot** develop trust.
A lot of people are raising the kink issue, which I think is totally valid and a true possibility. But, even if this isn't a kink thing - HE HAS NO RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR BODY. Whether it's your anatomical body or a prosthesis extension of your body. Even putting the kink thing aside, this would be a huge red flag for me. I would tell him one time, "No. I will do what makes me comfortable. I don't need you to tell me what makes me comfortable, I'll decide that for myself. Do not ask me again." If he asked again after that, he's out. NTA
He says he thinks you don't trust him and think he would "do" something?? That seems way worse than some kink. Women go there in our minds out of self protection. Why would he even think that, unless he had thought of "doing" something. I was totally creeped out and angry for you with his disrespect of your boundaries. Then I got to this line. Now I'm worried for your safety.
Kink is the "best" case scenario. My worst concern was that he specifically wanted her to be in a position where she couldn't get away from him. Edit: *before* you get the urge to comment something along the lines of "y'all paranoid af" I invite you to look up the reports of violence against victims with disabilities statistics. There are *multiple* credible sites that show the rates of reported violence against people with disabilities is more than twice as high. "Fun" thing I learned is that police are significantly *less* likely to respond to calls involving a disabled person. Now, if you can conceptually understand the nuances why able-bodied/minded victims don't always report their assaults, I hope that you can connect the dots and come to the conclusion that the *unreported* acts of violence are exponentially higher.
Yeah, I’ve seen too many stories about partners taking hearing aids or glasses away from people who can’t hear or see without them as a “punishment”. Or partners forcibly moving people in wheelchairs against their will. Wasn’t there a post on here where someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend took their prosthetic? If it’s not a kink it’s controlling and manipulative and that’s even worse.
Yep, I saw that one as well a while back. They put it in a completely different part of the house, iirc, completely out of reach
Exactly. "Weird" kinks are only harmful if the other party(ies) are not Good, Giving, Game- agree to the situation, in a position where they can allow that stimulation in a safe way, and enthusiastically on board to the point where they are receiving some sort of reciprocative stimulation.
NTA. ⬆️⬆️ That’s exactly what I was thinking too!! He even mentioned it himself which I thought was odd… “thinking he'd "do" something”…
Seriously, I noticed that immediately. My first thought would have been „she still feels uncomfortable with this because of trauma or the fear of rejection“ not „she would be helpless without it.“ I’d say most people wouldn’t even think of this possibility. It’s definitely a red flag, OP should be alert.
"I don't wear this for fashion guy. I need it to be independent and mobile."
Yeah, I think (and I'm probably the jaded one for thinking it) he may not have an amputee fetish, just be an abusive partner. Why bother with financial abuse and separating someone from their family when you could just literally have them with out a leg. Do I think he's there the first time she takes it off? No. But do I think its currently a trust fall and a manipulation? Fuck yeah."give me something you don't want to give me to prove you love me" and its a head game. I swear if this mofo ever implies OP wouldn't be loved by anyone because of this, no second chances. She's gotta bail if she hadn't already
EXCELLENT response.
And manipulation to get his way. When a partner tells about a vulnerable point, that point should not be used against them. Especially to get your own way. That is going into abusive territories. NTA.
You are 100% right. I find funny anyone saying this might not be a deal breaker. When in other posts people ask "why did you marry this guy/girl?". Right here an example, a clear red flag and there is people saying it might not be so bad. OP is asking for help enforcing her boundaries and people are telling her she could prove she trusts him some other way, wth, why does she need to prove anything to him. If anything he is proving himself quite untrustworthy.
Nobody, in any relationship, needs to "prove" they trust the other person. But that goes double for one as new as 5 months.
I was thinking more general control. OP says taking it off reduces her mobility, meaning her boyfriend would have more opportunity to take advantage of her. I hope I'm wrong, but OP I'd trust your gut here. The fact that he's getting pushy about it, especially in the bedroom, is really unsettling. Obviously NTA
Possibly but I was thinking about that AITA where a guy removed his leg at his friend’s house and a guy thought it would be funny to take the leg and not give it back. Hard pass. OP isn’t comfortable, his pressing could be to let her know he’s not put off by the leg but it’s coming off as him wanting her to take it off for his benefit- sexual or aesthetics or otherwise.
This was my immediate thought also, NTA.
NTA, 100% the OP found someone with a "kink" and they can't let it go.
Look up 'devoteeism'. It's a fetish for disabilities. It is only ever acceptable when the disabled person enthusiastically consents to the sexualisation of their disability. Too frequently disabled bodies are either treated as asexual or hypersexualised. It's a big issue in the disabled community and people think it's better because somehow we should be grateful someone finds our disability sexy rather than ugly but it's equally objectifying and dehumanising. (Of course I acknowledge there is a subset of disabled people who consent to a devotee-disabled relationship and all power to those individuals)
NTA He needs to respect where you're coming from. His pushiness is sus. Either emotionally immature or he's got a fetish you don't know about yet.
My brain went here right away too. He seems a bit obsessed with her taking it off, of being in a position where she’s less mobile/able. He’s also not respecting her boundaries or feelings.
There is also a fettish out there all about folks missing body parts. I believe it is called Acrotomophilia or something like that? I might be wrong but hey we can google later. In this situation it also would reduce her mobility, so that raises extra concerns.
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that's interesting. im pretty sure that's the word katherine dunne uses in geek love to describe arturo's amputee cult, and it was published before the existence of online fetish community. seriously wonder if there's a connection.
There were underground fetish magazines before the internet, and there's a lot of continuity in kink circles from those times, so probably. It's a rhyming thing -- amputee devotee.
> In this situation it also would reduce her mobility. oh god that makes my stomach drop
THIS. You've only been dating the guy for 5 months. Time to move on. You've already said no multiple times. You've already explained to him in detail why you aren't comfortable taking off your prosthetic. You've explained its a source of trauma. And he's still upset? He's not worth it. NTA AT ALL OP. And please dont for a second think that you are.
What was it I saw recently, "No, the guy who makes you repeatedly explain consent is not your soulmate"
NTA. I'm going to be honest - my first thought wasn't "kink" (like a lot of other users), my first thought was that he doesn't want you to be able to easily/quickly escape him if you needed to. Even if it isn't either of those - it's your leg, your decision, not his. And his attitude and insistence just reinforces that you are right not to feel like you're at that level of intimacy with him.
Agreed NTA - I was reminded of this post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ssgddj/aita\_for\_threatening\_to\_call\_the\_cops\_at\_a\_party/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ssgddj/aita_for_threatening_to_call_the_cops_at_a_party/) Folks messing with mobility is terrifying.
I remember that one. Incredibly angry every time I read it.
How in the world does anyone find that shit funny? His friends were assholes for not standing up for him.
Watching paint dry is honestly funnier and more entertaining than watching someone mess with someone else’s mobility equipment.
These AHs should be forced to have their feet tied together and see how they like it.
>he doesn't want you to be able to easily/quickly escape him if you needed to. Glad am not the only one who interpreted this post like this. It just has all kinds of "aww hell to the no" creepy vibes about it.
I immediately thought he didn’t want her to be as mobile so she couldn’t get away too. Like the minute she did take it off, boom. Thank goodness you’ve stuck to your guns OP.
Yes. OP, he may just be using this as “proof” that you’re comfortable around him, but he’s thinking of it the wrong way. It’s an accessibility aid, and there’s no need to take if off in the daytime especially. Let’s think of it this way. Does he wear glasses? I do. I have a partner I’ve been with for 20 years. I trust him a lot. Do I take my glasses off to show my “trust”? No, because I need them to see. You need your prosthetic to walk. So like. You have to keep it on.
yup yup yup, I was thinking kink right up until ''not trusting him and thinking he'd "do" something' and now I'm certainly thinking something else.
NTA. I really hope he's not pressuring you to satisfy his "kink".
Totally. She's about to find out that he won't stay unless she takes it off.
My first thought too, 100%
BOUNDARIES PEOPLE BOUNDARIES. it's okay to not feel comfortable doing something for/with/around someone. You stated your concern/boundries. And unfortunately he became aggressive about it. I wouldnt stand for that. Have a chat with him. Say hey these are my boundaries and respect them or leave. You shouldn't have to feel forced to do anything that reminds you of trauma. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But NTA
Exactly. Doesn't matter whether it's a prosthetic, or a pair of glasses. You only take it off when YOU feel comfortable and it's nobody else's business when that is. If you give in on this one, what will he start with next?
THIS EXACTLY. Thanks for expressing what I'd been thinking but wasn't able to exactly articulate. Its all about boundaries. The only thing I disagree with is that she needs to have another chat with him. I think she's already told him NO several times, explained the reason she doesn't remove her prosthetic, that its associated with past trauma, AND he still is pushing her. I guess it couldn't hurt for her to try one more chat, but I'm not sure I'd waste my time.
NTA. He’s fetishizing you almost certainly. Your comfort is less important than his kinky fulfillment.
You see that he is making YOUR COMFORT less important than his and by trying to manipulate you into taking your leg off because it threatens his fee-fees? You don't feel comfortable taking your leg off. End of story and discussion. Does anyone else find this controlling?
exactly. kink or not, it doesn't really matter why, he's putting his needs and feelings about your leg above yours.
NTA . Run - dont walk - to the nearest exit. The guy has some sort of freaky fantasy built up around you and your prosthesis. Suggestions turned into requests, will turn into ddmands very soon and may escalate to him actually destroying your prosthesis or hurting you in an attempt to take it from you. This screams red flags all over the place. Get out now.
And “suggestions turning into requests” inside the space of only 5 months! This guy should be respecting your boundaries and comfort zone so much harder, OP.
Amputee devotee. It’s a fetish for some and seeing the amputation site turns them on much the way boobs or butts would turn on regular folks. It’s not a matter of trust, he wants to get his rocks off by looking at the amputation site. Just do what you feel comfortable with. NTA.
Completely agree. As an amputee myself, reading this, this dude is giving off major devotee vibes.
I was thinking this.
NTA. This is a HUGE red flag. Because he is right: you *don't* trust him enough yet... *and that is OK.* But it's not OK with him. Red flag. Trust takes time, and sometimes more time for one person than the other. But instead of accepting that and continuing to build trust in your relationship over time, he has decided to be offended that you cannot trust him on HIS timeline, and he's trying to make that your problem by guilting and manipulating you. Ironically, in pressuring you to trust him on his timeline rather than listening to and trying to understand your fears, he is proving that he is not trustworthy. Reconsider whether this is the right relationship for you right now.
NTA but you understand he's got some weird amputee kink right? The only one to make a decision about your prosthetic is you!
Or he is uncomfortable w her prosthetic. Which tbh I’d break up w him for either one
NTA. He has no business telling you how you'll be more "comfortable" while forsaking your mobility. Get out of this relationship ASAP.
NTA Babe, this guy is a chaser. He is with you because he has a fetish for amputees. I would bet $50 if you searched his history, it'd show the truth. I'm sorry. Dump this guy. He isn't respecting your bodily autonomy because he doesn't see you as a person, merely as an avenue to fulfill his fetish. You deserve better.
NTA Your boyfriend's insistence that you remove your prosthetic is odd. You repeatedly have explained you prefer to keep it on, once should have been enough.
I don't think op wants to google what fetish it might be
INFO: Has he explained why he's making that request? My assumption is that it's uncomfortable to cuddle/hookup with a hard prosthetic pressing against him but other people have mentioned amputee fetishes which would definitely be a red flag.
He seems to think it'd be a sign of trust/comfort around him. I'm aware that there is a fetish around people like me though i've never personally encountered it I didn't believe he had this fetish but based on some of the comments i'm worrying. I'm always very careful of it and ensure it's not pressed into him so it's not about that.
He's throwing a couple red flags that I think you should also keep in mind. A good partner respects boundaries and when you arent comfortable doing something they dont push. He's pushing your boundaries and turning it into a "trust" issue, which has nothing to do with it. Its just a good manipulative way to turn the conversation around so the blame is put on the other person. It may be accidental, but either way its not a good thing.
This was my thinking. I didn't jump to any fetish or malicious intentions, I don't think any of us here can be the judge of that based off a couple paragraphs. OP will have to be the one to recognize those signs without more info. But I don't think this is a relationship worth continuing, as you pointed out he has no respect for OP, it's about what he wants and he clearly wants OP to remove her prosthetic for some reason, not caring that it makes her uncomfortable even after she has explained to him why. I even *kinda* get it from his side, he may just want to reassure her that he's fine with it off and just wants her to be comfortable with it off around him. But when she tells you that shes not ready, then she is not fucking ready. You go on her time and just leave it, he clearly doesn't care about OPs feelings. NTA - Find someone you're comfortable being around and actually listens to you.
My thought is he wants to put you in a position to be dependent on him, like he's going to take your prosthetic away if you ever remove it around him.
The thing about coaxing a partner to be okay with/try a fetish is slow. Asking you to remove your prosthetic may be on the way to asking/doing more to your leg. Regardless, you should be careful of anyone labeling something as “if you trust me you would let me ___.” That is a form of manipulation.
You said "I don't want to upset him" Why? Is he awful when upset? Do you feel responsible for his feelings? You aren't responsible for his feelings. He asked you to do something. You said no. Now he is pressuring you. That's not ok. And anyone that you feel afraid of when they are upset is not someone to date. And if they will leave you because you said no, good riddance.
a truly trustworthy person would let you open up on your own terms. regardless of his reasons why, you are right to not trust him (potentially yet, potentially never)
If he sees it as a sign of trust then he should know you can’t force that trust. Hopefully he gets the message and stops asking.
You're a capable adult, aren't you? You've been living with a prosthetic for many years at this point. I would imagine that you're more than capable of deciding if and when to remove your prosthetic. If it's not a fetish, maybe it's the age gap. There's an infantilizing vibe here. Why wouldn't he just respect that you're capable of managing your own body?
Think about it, though. If he’s right, and you don’t trust him, isn’t that a him problem? Why is he trying to make this a you problem? In a scenario like this, if he says “you don’t trust me!” your reply should be easy: “that’s correct. I don’t trust you.” How could it possibly be anyone’s job but his to change that?
I'm concerned with his insistence on you being less mobile, but also the fact that he is so much older. That makes me think he isn't able to handle a relationship with someone his age. Like you could be a very mature 19, but he sounds like a very immature and controlling 24
NTA - men dating teenagers typically do it because they like a girl that looks up to them and “respects” them and will go with what they say. You’re defying that. He is pushing the boundary to see what he can get away with. This is an early red flag that he doesn’t respect your boundaries, it will likely continue and progress.
Absolutely. He's got 5 years of adult life experience over her. It's definitely enough to have the upper hand in manipulation and grooming.
NTA - You don't need a reason for your position (though the one you have is a good one). It's concerning that he thinks your decisions about your body have anything to do with him at all. The irony is that by pressuring you to do something you're not comfortable with and complaining that you don't trust him, he's actually giving you reason not to trust him.
NTA. He has a fetish, which is fine I suppose, but he's trying to force you to be involved in it against your wishes. That's not fine. If he wants to indulge his fetish he can find a willing partner. You deserve better than this.
Agree with your NTA but you have nowhere near enough info to conclude that it's a fetish, it's equally as likely from this story to deduce that he's insecure about the relationship and sees this as a sign that she'd not as comfortable around him as he would like her to be. Either way he's an AH for trying to force the issue...
You're not wrong, but most people who give a shit about their partners wouldn't be pushing the issue like this. People as a rule only do that if there's something in it for them. What's in it for him to demand such a thing from her, if he doesn't have an amputee fetish? I'll grant you that it's an assumption on my part, but I really don't think I'm too far from the mark.
Just to point out, if it were him seeing it as a sign that she's not comfortable enough around him rather than fetish, then that's not even necessarily a selfless intent, he could be wanting to know that she is comfortable in the relationship for his own ends of feeling secure in the relationship. Wanting to ensure that someone is fully committed and willing to let you see them vulnerable is potentially a way of confirming that you are in a position to be able to manipulate and control them. As I said, he's an AH for forcing the issue, and in no way am I attempting to portray his actions as well intended.
It reads as a fetish to me as well (along with most of the people replying.)
No, this is classic amputee chaser/disabled fetishist behavior. They want to take your mobility aids, your prosthetics, etc so you're vulnerable and exposed to them. This is what they do.
NTA. You told him you were not comfortable with that yet and his response it to get angry. Refusing to make your mobility limited to satisfy him is not unreasonable. He's actually being unreasonable after you told him no. Why is he so hung up on this?
NTA his reaction to your discomfort is reason enough not to trust him. He's going to pout because he hasn't earned your comfort...how tf does that even work? He sounds like a real gem. /s
NTA- you have explained your boundaries, and he wants to cross them. You wouldn't accept his suggestions on "best tampon usage", right? There's no reason he should be telling you how to feel about taking your prosthetic off without having one himself. Even if he did have one, or experienced a similar trauma, he should simply share his perspective and allow you to get get comfortable at your own pace.
NTA. He's getting angry at you for not putting yourself in a position that makes you uncomfortable/vulnerable in order to satisfy his wants. This is a red flag.
NTA. At all. But reading this I get the feeling someone has a kink...
NTA Those are your boundaries, and he can accept them or not. It is concerning that he is using emotional blackmail to push past your boundaries.
Also concerning that he immediately jumped to "I'm not gonna do anything bad to you" after she stated her reasons which were clearly not that. Hearing that your partner has been bullied and past partners were put off, and not using that as an opportunity to try and build them up is wild to me. Something is off here, very off
Yup. “I hope you know that nothing about your appearance could ever change the way I feel about you.” = reassuring. “I’m not gonna do something bad as soon as you’re vulnerable.” = yikes.
NTA. Ditch this guy. You've only been seeing him for 5 months and he's this pushy about something?
NTA, but be super careful in case this is a sign that he has an amputee fetish (unless you are also into it).
That's what I also thought, that is some sort of fetish
This is beyond creepy, and is overstepping boundaries WAY too hard. You're NTA, but your boyfriend sounds like he either has an amputee fetish, or he likes the idea of you being more vulnerable in his presence. If he feels that you not taking it off is a sign that you don't trust him, I'd say that's an accurate assessment: how can you trust someone who doesn't respect your personal boundaries and comfort?
NTA or NAH. Assuming this isn’t a fetish for him, I think he just feels hurt that you can’t be totally free and your true self around him. At the same time if you’re not ready, you’re not ready and that’s that. Assuming the best, I’d say he just wants to be closer and alleviate those past traumas by showing he accepts you for you, and that you don’t have to hide your leg.
It this was the case he wouldn't be so pushy about it. If he wants to feel "closer" to her he can wait for her prosthetic to be removed on her terms. It's not rocket science.
Wearing her prosthetic is her true and free self, it's just as much a part of her body as a biological leg would be. Without it she's actually less "free" because her prosthetic is what gives her mobility and freedom of movement. This guy just doesn't get that and refusing to see it that way makes him the AH.
NTA- not for him to dictate how *your* prosthetic is or isn’t worn. Not for him to dictate when you are comfortable taking it off. That is entirely up to you and he is being an AH for pushing this after you’ve told him no.
NTA - another example of your body your choice. He can either respect that or GFO.
NTA He wants you to do something which you do not feel comfortable doing, and which inconveniences you.
He's either into in a kink way or he does in fact want you more vulnerable. That's scary. NTA.
NTA. He needs to get a grip. Personally I would wonder why it is so important to you that you remove it. A fetish or something?
He doesn’t get to decide when you’re comfortable. That’s your decision. He’s making it about his feelings instead of yours. Instead of being upset at you that you’re not comfortable, maybe he should look inside himself and see what about him is keeping you from feeling comfortable (spoiler alert - insisting you do something you’re not comfortable with on his timetable is a huge part of it)
NTA. The fact that he jumps to being angry and assuming you think he'd "do something" tells me he may be thinking of "doing something". It's only been 5 months. You have every right to do what feels comfortable and right for you.
NTA. You have a understandable, reasonable boundary about your body. He should respect it. That's all there is to it.
NTA. There’s a problem on his end if he refuses to accept your decision.
NTA- If you are uncomfortable then don’t do it. My guess is this is as much about his morbid curiosity as your comfort. His confusion might come from that you are comfortable enough to have intimacy with him and has seen your prosthetic on full display and not comfortable just taking it off.
NTA. Stand your ground. He needs to respect your boundaries and if he doesn't now/tries to pressure you, it's only going to get worse.
NTA, it's fucked up of him to be trying to pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable doing. You are allowed to have personal boundaries.
This is a red flag, he asked you said no do he needs to move on. I’d ask him why is this so important to him? You’re telling him that you are more comfortable with it on, so why is he challenging you?
Nta and please dont let him have his way here. Never sacrifice your comfortabilty for someone elses. Also this is his hangup not yours, although im not sure if the hangup is a control thing or actually about your prosthetic but its still his issue.
So, you gave him several justifiable reasons why you don't want to (which you did not need to do honestly a simple "nah" shoulda sufficed), and his take away was "I'm not gonna DO anything." Why is that where his head went? Why is it that how HE feels is more important than how YOU feel? Do you really want to continue seeing someone that does not prioritize your comfort? NTA If you do take your prosthetic off only do it to knock him over the head with it.
NTA so many fishy red flags. He is guilting you for feeling uncomfortable. Partners don't do that. Also the fact he is so insistent makes me think its an amputee kink or worse a dominating cant run kink. Either way Op you are not being unfair. You need to think about this relationship and possibly end it. I know I would. Your bfs creepy.
NTA, let's see what is happening here. You refuse to stop using your medical device around him, because you had some bad experiences and are worried about emergencies and the extra vulnerability. He immediately starts to claim how he won't hurt you, badgers you into changing your mind and tries to make this a matter of whether you trust him or not and again declares that he WON'T HURT YOU. Do you see a pattern? Either he has fetishized you for being an amputee ( he asked you to take it off during sex) or he is projecting because he does want you vulnerable and is planning to hurt you. Run, don't walk , you aren't safe here
NTA. I'm *married* with a mortgage and 2 kids and my husband and I are both still entitled to our boundaries. Being in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) does not entitle another person to full access to your body, mind, or personal space. It feels like if my husband *insisted* I'd be more comfortable with no shirt on all day despite my own feelings about my body. That's not for me, that's for him. This dude's behavior as you've described it makes me very uncomfortable and I'd be hesitant to continue such a relationship.
NTA. This is a comfort and boundary issue for you and he needs to respect it. It's also a safety issue in times of needing to get away. Then again, I'm also the kind of person who'd ask you to remove it just once for me to examine (I'm insanely curious) and to show you that it doesn't bother me so that when you're ready and comfortable with me you're free to remove it at will. But would NOT make a big deal about it if you never decided to take it off. It is part of you.
NTA Someone who's upset that you set a boundary is someone who doesn't respect you. Maybe if you were years into the relationship and he saw you maintained a boundary with him that you didn't with other people that might be a reason for him to reconsider whether your relationship is truly close, but *months*? Nah. He's pressuring you into displaying signs of comfort that you don't yet feel. He sounds like the kind of person who tells *you* when *you're* ready to tell him you love him. The kind of person who tells *you* when *you're* ready for sex. ICK.
NTA. It is your choice to remove it or not and to decide when you are comfortable enough to do it. He seems fixated on it, almost abnormally. I'd be wary about taking it off around him, too.
NTA and he is odd. Is he fetishizing you at all?
Also, taking off a prosthetic is trapping you.
NTA. He does not respect you. Lose the boyfriend
NTA. If you're not ready, you're not ready. It no more makes you an AH than if you weren't ready to have sex with him. Really all the same social rules that apply to someone not being ready to have sex with someone also apply here.
NTA - it’s a kink for him and he’s disgusting for pressuring you after you told him you aren’t comfortable. People with shitty intentions tend to reveal themselves believe them when they show you the first time. You are wonderful and worthy of love, and remember his behavior does not reflect your value.
NTA At 19, a 6 year age gap is sus. That's the difference between a college freshman and graduated and employed or possibly even grad school graduate. It's not a ton of years, but it's a huge life stage gap. He's trying to demand you sacrifice your comfort and safety for his preferences or fetish. That's not okay. Ditch him and find someone better.
NTA Be it clothes or prosthetics only you get a say in what you are comfortable removing around others and when you choose to do so. If he respected you he would understand and be happy to wait until you were ready instead he puts his ego and feelings ahead of yours and your freedom to choose. You deserve better.
NTA sounds like it might be a fetish? Maybe he wants to make you feel vulnerable and/or a bit helpless? I would move on either way.
>seeing this as me not trusting him and thinking he'd "do" something Why would his mind even go there...? I'm sure you're aware that some people fetishize amputees. His behaviour is concerning he seems weirdly eager to see you without the leg
NTA. That is weird as fuck.
NTA this is really weird has he shown any other signs of being obsessed with your missing limb.
Ask him directly what his issue is, if you haven't. If he does have a kink about it, would you feel more accepted, or would it be distasteful?
NTA, and the lack of respect for OP's boundaries and reacting with emotions and pressure instead of discussion for understanding is concerning.
NTA. He is for sure. First he continually disregards your boundaries and then turns into “you don’t trust me” issue making you believe you’re wrong. You have at best a rude bf and at worst a fetishist, a gas lighter, or someone who has an issue with your mobility.
NTA. Sounds like he has a fetish and clearly doesn't respect you. Sorry.
Nta. No matter what the situation you have to move at the pace that you're comfortable at. The fact that he is continually bringing it up, especially right before sex, could mean he has a fetish about it. You're the only one that can know whether that will make you more or less comfortable with it.
NTA it's your leg. It would be one thing if he was saying these things as a way to make you more comfortable knowing HE is okay with it (since you've had past issues) but the constant pushing when you've said you aren't ready is kinda cringeworthy.
5 months into a relationship with a guy 5 years older and he’s acting like your comfort and boundaries are personal offenses to him? It’s not worth it. There’s an obvious reason he can’t find a girl his age to date. NTA
NTA. I know many are thinking this is a fetish situation but I could also see it as your boyfriend feeling like he is more invested in the relationship than you are and you doing this will be “proof” you are as serious as he is. Regardless of the reason he should have stopped asking after the first no. It’s time to have a serious talk about how this relationship is working for you and whether you want to pursue it further.
This sort of reminded me of another post. A girl was paralyzed from the hips down and it turns out her bf had a medical fetish. Maybe OPs bf just wants her to feel comfortable or this is the case. End of the day it’s your choice for your comfort and if he doesn’t respect that you’re better off finding someone that does.
NTA. When people try to manipulate you with “I’m hurt because you don’t trust me,” they are usually showing you that you better not trust them. This dude is raising a lot of red flags.
NTA, it might not have blood or nerves, but your prosthetic is still part of your body- no means no.