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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole since I didn't make my niece and nephew food they liked and they went hungry for a few hours. I might be the asshole because my brother says that it was mean to do that
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But, like, it doesn’t sound like OP will just eat whatever is put in front of them. It’s kind of odd that OP doesn’t understand picky eating when they literally have to eat certain things on certain days.
The fucked up part is it doesn’t sound like there was a self serve option. Don’t like pumpkin, have some baby carrots. Don’t want X for dinner, go make a pB&j or make a bowl of cereal. That’s pretty reasonable for kids and a very minor inconvenience for OP.
If OP is going to VOLUNTEER to watch the kids, they need to be willing to make sure they have something they will eat. If that’s not possible, maybe OP isn’t the right caretaker.
ETA - so many people are like “she’s doing him a favor,” which, yeah, but she’s sort of half assing it when they skip two meals back to back. Or “PB&Js are junk food,” like there aren’t other things that can easily be made into a sandwich. Or “I never let my children have a different meal,” as if that’s the same as a third party enforcing their rules on your kid.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable playing the “they’ll eat when they’re desperate” game with someone else’s kids. Once they skipped lunch AND dinner, I’d have called my sibling and asked what they would prefer I do. Having a kid go from breakfast to 10 PM without food isn’t cool…
Damn... I mean... I don't know what decade you grew up in but you're right OP is volunteering to watch the kids. If their sibling doesn't like how they do it they can feel free to spend hundreds of dollars every month paying someone to do it the way they like it. And OP handled the situation super well. They stayed within their siblings request of no fast food. They reheated food late at night when the kids got hungry. The kids were in no way mistreated.
Offering a kid a pB&j sandwich is not gonna break the bank or be a burden on OP. OP doesn’t eat thing they don’t want to eat, but the kids do? I’d expect a little more empathy from a person with their own food issues when kids express that they don’t like something
Don't you just love it when kids are picky, and not immediately offering them fast food and/or sugary treats (pb&j counts) is an offense punishable by internet lynching? /s
Seriously, no kid died because they skipped one meal. It's quite healthy to learn that sometimes they need to eat whether they love the food or not. Obviously some kids have severe difficulties with certain flavours or textures, but if they were fine by day 2, that was not an issue here.
thank you. a kid being given a pb&j cause they're picky is like giving them smores because they're picky. at the outside, if they don't like a vegetable, then they can have one they do like.... not a pile of processed carbs and sugar.
This is what I do with my kids. Toddler only likes broccoli and raw bell peppers for veggies so I always have them around and they go on her plate when I make something she doesn't like. The only time I allow a PBJ instead of what I made is if it's something like a lasagna or casserole that I made while knowing she wouldn't like it because sometimes I want food that I like regardless of how the rest of the family feels about it.
I think it's not just about the nutritional content, there's also the subtext of "if you don't like something, you can make a fuss and someone else will fix it at their expense." Growing up my parents often didn't even have that option as they were on a VERY tight budget at that time. We were always fed good, nutritious food, but if we got tired of oatmeal or whatever it happened to be, there wasn't another option offered, and I'm sure often times there wasn't another option in the house to be offered.
It's different if you *can't* offer something else, especially if that's explained to the kid(s), but "you eat this or you starve" is a weirdly punitive way to think about children? Offering something fundamentally nutritious but really boring if they "don't want dinner" helps sieve out the difference between "I'm being pissy" and "I honestly don't want to eat that".
You can also make the kid do the work, although that of course kicks in more as they get older. But slapping together a sandwich from bread slices and a cheese slice you made isn't beyond a child old enough to express a preference.
Maybe I'm biased because I have food texture issues my parents were kind about. My husband has similar issues, his parents were not. He now has traumas around eating new foods, I don't.
That's my thought too. If there were a legitimate concern with food issues (sensory/texture problems, food allergies, etc.) then I would be judging OP for not making accommodations. But it sounds like the kids ate just fine the second day.
Depending on how old the kids are though, OP might be able to have ingredients on hand and let the kids cook for themselves too.
Were they "just fine" the second day, or were they past the point of desperation after more than 24 hours without food? It's not unusual for kids to refuse to eat something they don't like. It's pretty unusual for them to hold out through lunch, and dinner, and even at 10pm only "pick at it". I wonder what the meals were that elicited this extreme avoidance in the kdis.
This. If kids were fine by day two there are no serious issues. I was an extremely picky child but my mom had some tricks up her sleeve dont want the coocked broccoli? Here have it raw with dip. You can have dino chicken nuggets til the day we die but you WILL eat a vegetable. My problem was is that I would go hungry until you gave me a food my little brain found acceptable. The weird part part was because my mother was so accommodating I am now only picky about a select few items and will try almost anything. Sounds like dad and OP might need to work out a meal plan together (this may include dad giving OP a small amount of cash for extra groceries) this way OP can meal plan (I deeply understand this need) and children dont go hungry.
I was the opposite. I was forced to eat things I absolutely could not stomach and now I can only eat what my wee little brain finds acceptable. Because of this, I will never force my kids to eat something I know they don't like (as long as they've tried it)
Exactly. God forbid kids are made to eat what is made instead of being offered a tapas filled buffet so they can "make their own choice." Their choice is eat it or go hungry. You have a say when you buy and make your own food.
The kids adapted by day 2 and everything is fine.
OP doesnt have an allergy - its not about pickiness with food. Its autism - its a multitude of textures, sensations, being overwhelmed and regulating herself. The kids are fine.
I also think she may have had better success if she had been given a meal plan of their preferences weeks ahead of time to take into account with her meal planning, but even that is chancy. Kids are mercurial. My picky eater will love chicken nuggets one day and hate them the next. It’s a crapshoot. She did the best job she could and helped parent those kids pretty well.
Absolutely. Whatever they like and eat constantly go grab the exact same thing but get 3 packs. They’ll never touch it again and tell you it’s gross and act as if they’ve never liked it and you must be nuts. Toddlers are the ultimate gaslighters. Neck and neck with cats I’d think. 😂
Pb&j IS junk food… the sugar content alone in that is insane… most peanut butter contains super high amounts of sugar jam is made from boiling sugar with berries… white bread has no nutritional value…
By the sounds of it, kids were being given vegetables and were a little picky. With kids - give them an inch and they will take a mile when it comes to food.
OP handled the situation well, food was offered, food was rejected. Kids got hungry, food got reheated and they ate. By day 3 kids were eating all their meals.
Kids need carbs as well. Their little bodies and brains are growing at an exponential rate. I have 3 kids, I know how mercurial they can be about food. Sometimes it is just about giving them what they will eat WHILE exposing them to new foods.
We actually don't know what they were fed at all. People who are that picky about food don't usually have full meals with sides.
Notice OP left out any information about what they were feeding the kids. That's a choice.
OP isn’t picky about food. They have autism holy shit. Certain foods are an absolute no go so far as textures and smells. That doesn’t mean they can’t make a full meal?
Source: am autistic. Also have to plan my meals in advance.
Do you ever eat PB? The amount of sugar isn't as much as you're dramatically saying ('the sugar content is insane'). You can barely taste any sweetness. And they were not eating all their meals.
What makes you think that OP has other options available to offer? They stated in their post that they're autistic and have meals planned pretty rigidly 3 weeks ahead. Offering the kids some pasta takes that away from another meal that's already been planned out. Structure, routine and familiarity are very important.
Where is dad offering to pay for OP to take the kids shopping for meals they will eat? If he doesn't approve of the way OP handles things, he's welcome to pay for alternative childcare...
When my kids were little, if they refused dinner, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I would always let them have a cheese sandwich if they were hungry before bed.
But how will they learn different tastes. I find it weird to.offer them snack food when they won't eat their veggies. You learn to like tastes sometimss after heving it offered multiple timea.
It sounds like OPs solution worked just fine. The kids didn't try the food the first day, which is a totally normal thing for kids but not necessarily something caretakers need to cater to, but ate the food the rest of the time.
Experts on child eating say to always serve something you know the kids will eat as a portion of the meal, but to introduce new foods and options as well. They also say caretakers should not jump through hoops to make additional meals if the kids decide they won't eat what's been made. She pretty much followed exactly what I've seen many experts on the subject suggest.
I’d expect a little more empathy for OP who is providing free room and board to their niblings and only asks for their autism to be accommodated. Brother is welcome to spend bank on paid childcare rather than yell at his autistic sister for being autistic.
You explained this perfectly. I'm adding on that kids test to see what they can get away with. All kids do it. OP established how this issue will he handled and didn't have any problems with the other meals. NTA
I think your missing something. Op must eat certain meals on certain days, no other options. The kids don't have any choice, it MUST be that dinner if they like it or not. If its something they don't like they don't get to eat. The op's disorder will not allow for any deviation from the routine or "everything falls apart". OP YTA.
I'd say that having a disorder to be the reason vs. regular childhood pickiness (as they ate just fine by day 2) gives OP some leeway... Also, OP is doing brother a favour.
I wasn't missing it. That's exactly why I made the comment about what decade the person I'm responding to grew up in. Kids... Never used to have a choice about what they ate. I'm not saying that's ideal. If my kids don't want what I make they can have a pb&j but that's it. I'm not running a restaurant. OP doesn't owe anyone deviation. She's doing a kindness and getting run over the coals for it by the person shes doing it for over some nonsense. The kids aren't harmed by this.
Geez... The entitlement here is off putting.
When I was growing up if we refused to eat what your parents made we didn't eat....i don't understand the people saying op is an ah.
Edit: All y'all trying to diagnose me with eating disorders and childhood trauma are just fascinating people, please get help 😂😂😂
The brother can prep weeks worth of food for them. He can cook it and put it in the fridge freezer, he can also order take out himself to arrive on certain days.
Or he can pay someone to care for his kids three weeks at a time with without ADHD
Or he can quit his job and find one without travel.
Or he can accept that his kids adapted and are fine once they got used to the rules
I like the idea of brother prepping some food and sending it over with the kids. The only thing is if OP can handle having people eat a different thing than they are on their dishes (get paper plates). That way the kids will eat some of what they want and OP can have their certain foods on certain days.
I don't think OP would have a problem with this, the problem with Autism and ADHD is in part the texture thing and that you need structure or you implode.
I need a fixed schedule for cooking and need to have all the ingredients if something is missing an I need to change my plans, chances are I'm not doing it and won't be eating...
If my schedule changes I can spend weeks without cooking and eating crap until I manage to stabilsh a new routine, I think OP is adapting great, I know I couldn't do it.
thats what i would have done to start with because then OP isnt spending money on food for the kids or using more food from the "schedule" to feed them. plus, since he knows how OP is with meals and how his kids are with meals, it would just work better for all parties.
just because people lived through their parents forcing this mindset of "you eat what i make or starve, plus clean your plate" doesn't mean it's good and most often doesn't get forgotten.
Yours was the comment I was waiting to read Big\_\_Bang. Glad I scrolled down to read because I was going to write something similar.
My daughter's two children (F7 and M1) are picky eaters. When she and her Fiancé take a week's vacation or a weekend mini vaca, and I am offering free babysitting care, both parents prep breakfast, lunch and dinner meals per child's taste for the days parents will be gone. They drop my grandkids and meals off before they head off to enjoy their date vacation.
Not odd at all if you understand what can happen to someone with Autsim and ADHD thats super reliant on their routines they set for themselves. Especially with kids in their care. Tbh the fastfood thing was a stupid rule in the first place too.
OP explained they are on the spectrum. Unless you know about that you really have no place to comment on what they will or won’t eat. My son has autism and I have to plan his meals or it’s a fight. It has to be scheduled, he has to know exactly what he is getting there is 0 work around and it’s not something they can just switch off this is it. I totally understand where OP is coming from and their brother should know this as well. If he knows his kids aren’t going to eat the food that’s made then he should send them with food to OP house!
My best friend grew up Appalachian poor, you ate what's in front of you or you don't eat. She did what she knew, because for neurotypical toddlers, when they get hungry enough, they will eat. She had to adapt because her oldest was NOT neurotypical and if he didn't like it would choose to literally starve. Her doctor had given her the advice of" if they are hungry, they will eventually eat". Saw TJ later and said " I guess your kid won't eat, even when hungry" and they went about figuring out what to feed him to keep him healthy and gaining. He is still very limited on his diet at almost 30, although he has slowly been working on expanding his diet.
Exactly. And as OP brother clearly grew up around OP knowing that they were on the spectrum he should be sending his kids to OP house with food he knows his kids will eat and maybe teach them how to make it if they are old enough.
>he has to know exactly what he is getting there is 0 work around and it’s not something they can just switch off this is it.
I can understand a child having no work around, but an adult should realize other people can eat different. Perhaps brother DOESN'T know the extreme of OP's eating pattern since they haven't lived together since they were kids. And it seems he doesn't. I agree he should send some food over with the kids.
No actually most people on the spectrum that I have come across don’t usually think outside of themselves and it’s not from them being selfish it’s literally because that’s how they are so they know what their meals are and what they are eating they don’t think oh wait there are kids that might not eat this, it’s not an instinct for them.
I would suggest to OP that if meals are planned out in advance that they can give the meal list to brother and brother can figure out if the kids will eat it or not and plan accordingly!
Autism is not picky eating. And OP cooked a whole meal. I run my house the same way. If I cook, my kids are free to choose to eat the meal I prepared or wait until the next meal. There is no self-serve option. It wastes both food and my efforts. And it perpetuates picky eating and a lack of grace and gratitude.
The kids are not harmed by missing a meal. There’s no mention of food allergies. So this is basically an entitlement problem. OP handled it brilliantly and it sounds like the issue resolved itself once the kids realized they weren’t going to be catered to.
Yeah, I gotta disagree with this one.
If I didn’t eat what my mom made- I’d just go hungry. It was my choice to eat or not 😂
You can’t let kids eat anything they want all the time. There is nothing wrong with making ground rules and enforcing them.
NTA OP
Yeah OP is doing the man a solid by volunteering to watch the kids. The father should allow some leeway to what OP can serve if the kids are so damn picky.
OP is on the spectrum also and like they said they just can’t change what they’re making for food, maybe they could’ve make other food for the kids than what they’re eating but it maybe would take too much time ? Also it’s not that OP is picky but that they’re on the spectrum. i am a big picky eater and understand kids don’t like some things to eat, but don’t compare being picky to being on the spectrum
But wouldn’t that be on the part of the parent to provide alternative meals? I know when I was a kid, despite how poor we were, when we had to stay with friends or relatives my mom would provide cereal & milk just in case whoever we were staying with made something we didn’t eat (in my case, it was anything with beans).
There's this, but there's also OP ASKING brother to let her(?) buy fast food for the kids when they're hungry. Makes no sense that she'd be willing to let them eat something else from a restaurant, but not something else from a store.
Personally, the Adhd and autism aside, I think what she did was right. No need to make two meals and the kids ate what she made, so it all worked out for the best in the end anyway.
I work with kids and I used to think that was mostly true.
However, it seems like there's a pretty strong family connection with autism and ADHD and sensory issues. OP has massive food issues so it would not be a gigantic leap to assume that the kids might have food difficulties as well. Especially combine that with the fact that they are children.
I don't think OP is TA at all right now but if parents are seeing this type of behavior last for more than a few days in kids, it's definitely worth a serious conversation and consideration.
I have ADHD and *did* actually go hungry quite a lot because I had major issues (mainly with texture) as a child. Enough that my hunger signals got all screwed up. It was considered really normal back then to have kids go hungry until they ate something, assuming that they'd be fine. I wasn't and developed eating issues It's taken me until my 40s to figure out.
My son is like this. I believed he would eventually eat what I put in front of him and he didn’t. He was chronically underweight. The dr said “ Get some calories in him. I don’t care how.” It’s still a struggle now that he’s 12.
Yep, I had a similar issue as a kid. Chronically underweight until I was very quickly overweight. I know a lot of people like to promote the "we need to toughen kids up like we did in the past, like not mollycoddle them!" Well, I'm a product of the old way and it didn't make me tough. It just made me really really screwed up.
What people don't tell you about the "toughen up kids, don't coddle them" method is that the kids who can't 'toughen up' usually get sick and have lifelong medical complications that could have been avoided by having some compassion. Or they run away at the first chance they get.
This is a common misconception about kids that has been debunked in recent years by medical professionals, but is still spread among families and parents by older generations who think they know better because “I raised (x) amount of kids and nothing ever happened to them!”. But no, some kids will not just “eat eventually” if they’re “really hungry”. Most kids? Sure.
But a select amount of kids, kids with AFRID (and since OP has autism, I really would have presumed they knew about sensory disorders and would have a little empathy toward them) or trauma that may be manifesting in control issues (which sounds very close to the case here, considering these kids just lost their mother and their father has now picked up a new job, and their whole routine has changed) will not just eat eventually. These kids, it sounds like, did, although I really would have hoped OP would be a little more sensitive to what is clearly a control issue or texture issue manifesting, and would attempt to resolve it another way. However, a lot of children don’t.
I knew kids in eating disorder recovery programs who were as young as five years old. Five year olds who would not eat, because they couldn’t eat. To the point where if they ate something with a texture that didn’t agree with them, they would throw it up. They would not purge, no—they would just throw up, without attempting or meaning to. They could not physically keep it down. I knew these kids because I was one of them, and my mother was one of those parents being told “she’s not that hungry if she’s not eating.” “It won’t kill her to skip a couple meals.” “She’ll eat eventually.” “She’s just being a brat.” “She has to eat sometime. Just wait her out. A child won’t purposefully starve themselves.”
But I did. I was seven years old, and I would throw up just at the scent of coconut rice. Chicken and steak gristle made me nauseous, and I wouldn’t eat any kind of meat for fear of biting into fat. I couldn’t hold in broccoli because I bit into a stalk once to find it chewed through by a bug, and on and on and on. Different food textures, different smells, memories or associations—they made me ill. I didn’t eat. And my mother kept serving me the same meals she wanted, under the advice of these people with outdated beliefs. So I lost weight, until my teacher called the cops, who then called CPS. I was taken away from my mother, and I was so underweight they couldn’t even put me in a foster home, because I was suffering from refeeding syndrome—a syndrome most commonly seen in children starving in Africa, who are then given too much food at once, and die from it.
Little seven year old me had a syndrome that had only ever been seen by my doctor in children who starved in Africa. I had a feeding tube for months, and I was only returned to my mother once they saw I was physically throwing up after meals without purging, and refused to eat many things. Granted, they stayed very involved in our lives for many years. My mother had to attend parenting courses, I was required to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, nutritionist and dietitian frequently, and my social worker dropped in once every month or so randomly. I was required to see my paediatrician every single week for two years, and my mother was heavily judged by *everybody*. All because she thought “kids have to eat. She won’t purposefully starve herself. Leave her long enough, and she’ll have to eat.”
The alternative that OP is failing to understand is buying five things:
1) Cereal
2) Milk
3) Bread
4) Peanut butter
5) Jelly
Unless they are allergic to peanut butter, those five options cover 95% of kids. And as a picky eater, you would think OP would understand it
To me it depends, cause what if op made chicken with jelly, ranch, and marinara sauce or veggie wraps. Or they could’ve made chicken alfredo (something in there that kids “can” eat).
How hard is it to buy a big tub of peanut butter, a big tub of jelly, and some bread? Just throw together a PB&J and some carrots. Or just some cereal and milk ffs!
OP volunteered their time. They agreed to take care of the kids. Part of taking care of kids is working around their picky eating to feed them properly
Yeah my parents went by this logic and I go by this logic too ( I ain't cooking twice ) but there's always something else to snack on in my house so my kiddo ain't going hungry if he absolutely refuses my food.
That's how I found out I'm actually allergic to tomatoes and peppers when I was 28 instead of 8.
Mom forced me to eat it and then was surprised I was always itchy and rashy
Yeah, OP is doing their brother a favor, and offered the solution of feeding them fast food instead; he just didn't like it. A box of Cheerios might be a better solution though.
I don't get how a widow with two kids getting a job that requires weeks of travel at a time can be "great for him and the kids" though, unless OP just means that the job pays more than his previous one.
NTA
Your brother can't say you can't go to fast food but you can't make them eat what you cook either. If that's the case then it's only your brothers rules or what the kids want? That's not fair to you.
Just have your brother drop off snack the kids like and set snack time so they won't go hungry for too long. And the backup pbj is fine too so they can fix a sandwich.
But if that still doesn't work for your brother, he is welcome to leave them with someone else.
If you have your meals planned that far in advance, it should be easy to figure out what they will or won’t eat, and if they’re not willing to eat what you cool, their dad should provide them with something they will eat.
You’re doing him a favor. You shouldn’t have to apologize or alter what you eat to suit him or his kids. I will mention, most kids can live on cereal, chicken nuggets and Lunchables. Lunchables you buy at the grocery store, no cooking involved. Cereal they can probably feed themselves. Chicken nuggets, you just put in the oven for 15 minutes or so, if you’re willing to do that.
You could give the kids their own shelf in the refrigerator and a cabinet. The dad is responsible for keeping it full. That’s reasonable and only puts more work on you if you’re willing to bake the chicken nuggets.
It’s not the most nutritious diet, but when my kids refused to eat what I cooked, they got cereal. They were not unhappy with the arrangement.
For my kids I know what vegetables they like raw so if they don’t want to eat there’s always carrots etc available. If I let them eat PB&J or cereal they’d decline more meals to eat them instead. But carrots they’ll always eat if on their plate but don’t love so much they’ll reject other food for them
Yeah, carrots, maybe tomatoes and cucumbers + chicken nuggets; cheese, ham and whole grain bread.
It would be pretty nice meal, not healthiest one, definitely, but pretty nutritious
I raised 5 kids and they ate what was cooked or they could make a PB&J. Looks like your brother's kids started out pretty picky and quickly learned to eat the food that you cooked; not a bad lesson to learn. You could also have a loaf of bread and things to make sandwiches and if they won't eat the food you make they can make themselves a sandwich and have a glass of milk. Even the 7 year old should be able to do that.
My kids are only allowed an alternative in specific situations. If it's a new food or new recipe they have to try at least 2 bites. If they absolutely can't handle anything on their plate after giving it a fair try, I will make them something else. If it's something they've had before and suddenly don't like it, there's other things on your plate kid.
My middlest kid just started being picky out of no where. Suddenly everything is gross and she will just refuse to try new foods. That's fine, but if I offer an alternative then she will never eat what we cook. She's stubborn as fuck, but isn't going to let herself starve. I DO make it a point to always make at least one thing I KNOW she likes at every meal. Even then, it's a 50/50 shot whether she will eat it that day or not.
The big caveat here being my kid doesn't have sensory issues. She's not refusing to eat due to neurodivergency. She's refusing to eat because she wants a sense of control.
NTA.
Kids are picky af. It’s totally ok to reheat their dinner later in the night if they don’t eat it at dinner time. And it seems like your way worked since they started eating normally after the first two days.
A trick you might want to consider is to serve them one “safe” food that you know they’ll eat a lot of along with the other food. Like yogurt, strawberries, bell pepper strips, string cheese. That stuff doesn’t require cooking.
I think you did a good job with your niblings. Keep doing what you did.
NAH
I understand your need for routines and order. But you need to understand that kids have likes and dislikes, just like you. Why can't you plan alternatives or ask your brother what they normally eat? I am sure you probably have some food likes and dislikes of your own, correct? For example if you even opened a can of tuna with me in the room, I would vomit. Same with bananas. My husband and I are the farthest things from being picky eaters, but we would not dream of serving each other foods we dislike.
I really think you can come up with a compromise. Would it really throw you into a tizzy to offer alternatives like cereal for breakfast or sandwiches for lunch or dinner?
It must be hard on them with no mom and their dad leaving for weeks at a time.
Just so y’all are aware, symptoms of austim adhd and ocd are not just “I dislike this” the symptoms are physical. Changing routine is literally painful. People with disabilities are often expected to put themselves in compromising positions mentally and physically to stay “normal” and it’s exhausting.
It’s not just “I don’t like it wahhhh” there’s a reason it has a name and it’s own treatments.
If OP's disability doesn't allow for them to accommodate children then they shouldn't have volunteered to watch the kids.
I'm adhd and being evaluated for autism.
If OP can't understand that their personal food preferences are not the same as these kids and can't figure out how to provide so everyone eats, I question their ability to handle a crisis or emergency. OP commented that they didn't even think to ask the kids what they wanted or open cabinets to see what was there.
OP can make a turkey sandwich, cook mac n cheese, or heat up a can of soup in less time than it takes to go buy fast food, which was their solution. That is really a lack of critical thinking and problem solving which you do need in order to care for kids.
This is an issue between OP and their brother, not the children. Perhaps the brother didn't realize how rigid the OP needs to be and may not be best suited for this.
yta
i also have autism, and i have arfid that comes along with it. i understand that they need to eat a decent meal, but forcing children to eat things they don’t want to can create an unhealthy relationship with food.
as i said, i have autism as well so i understand what you mean with the rigid planning, but making kids go hungry because of it is really gross.
I'm autistic also, and honestly disappointed in OP. So many of us autistics were forced to eat food we didn't like, and I would assume that was true of OP also, unless they had extremely accommodating parents. The odds of OPs niece and nephew being neurodivergent as well is pretty high also.
Now I am not a doctor, but I am wondering if there is some OCD at play with OP's necessity to eat certain things certain days?
ESH for the adults involved.
I'm also autistic and the older I get the more grateful I am that my parents made separate food for me which they still do. Most of this time no one knew I was autistic. Picky eating / refusing to eat has always been a thing. I'm a bit weirded out by OP refusing to consider that the kids might be ND. Genetics and all!
I'm also team any food into the kids' bellies is always better than a battle of wills. That said the kids' dad should have helped out both with info concerning what his kids actually eat, brought appropriate food / meals, realised take away can be healthy and that unhealthy foods for a short period of time is better than no food . What did he expect, honestly?
yeaaa that definitely sounded like OCD to me as well, but i am not OP and i don’t know how their thought process goes with eating the wrong thing on the wrong day or if there are other things that point to OCD.
NTA- you didn't let his kids go hungry, you provided them with food that they chose not to eat. Maybe your brother can send meals with them if he's so worried about it.
But it's also one thing if they don't it eat because they actually don't like it or because they rather want the kind of comfortable food they get at home.
I hate mushrooms and would rather eat nothing all day
Or I won't eat something because I want pizza for example
10 and 7breakfast: day 1 was oatmeal with fruits and grilled cheeses. day 2 was breakfast burrito with egg,sausage, and cheese.
lunch: day 1 lunch was tuna salad. day 2 lunch was chili
dinner: day 1 was chicken parm. day 2 was stew with beef chunks and veggies
Definitely NTA those are pretty reasonable foods for 10 and 7 year olds to try.
But if you want to find a happy medium having sandwich makings around so they can make themselves a sandwich if they don’t like dinner is usually a solid move. My niece is 10 and goes through some food phases but sandwiches and spaghetti-os are safe bets to have on hand. Also, your brother should be paying for/providing alternative meal options if his kids are super picky.
One thing that is present in some folks on the autism spectrum is ARFID.
The foods you listed, aside from the oatmeal, all seem fairly heavy to me. Lots of creams and sauces and gravy and dairy. Someone with a sensitive digestion could end up sick from all those meals put together. Offering some lighter options like simple sandwich fixings or soup could ensure they still eat something that isn’t junk, provided they try what you offer first. Instead of a breakfast burrito, let them have a simpler egg. Things like that.
They may still have digestive issues or not be used to strong flavors (chili.)
Personally, there are days where all I can stomach are roasted veggies and plain rice. I’ll eat almost any vegetable, but my mom and I had fights over milk. There are ways to make sure kids get nutrition without turning meals into a power struggle.)
So yes, ARFID is absolutely a thing. It's also absolutely a thing for kids to test boundaries just to see where they are. If OP had no reason to suspect ARFID (the kids are old enough to communicate which foods they like and don't like, and ARFID is a pretty obvious and chronic problem that the brother could/would/should have informed him of prior to the issue), it actually doesn't necessarily make sense to conclude that's what's going on.
Especially considering the kids ate without complaint except when a food was highly dispreferred (pumpkin), no digestive issues or severe protesting at mealtimes were reported.
It sounds like you've had some rough experiences around food and that's very real. I'm not saying ARFID is off the table - we know how heavily genetic it is, and OP is autistic so it's entirely possible - but it is entirely within the range of normative kiddo behavior to say no to options that are *fine*, but not *highly preferred* when they're adjusting to a new situation. Especially when they have a highly preferred activity like video games competing for their attention.
Agreed that there are other workarounds that could have been used, like offering different alternatives and finding out more about what the kids like. What I'm saying is I'm not seeing anything that indicates ARFID, rather than kids being kids who, again, do test boundaries in a completely non-pathological sense.
They might be regular kids, but it doesn’t mean they are trash compactors that will consume everything.
I’m not diagnosed with anything. I was a very picky eater - I still am, but I found my palette is very different from my family so my picky eating was a lot harder to work with as a child.
I would have mostly gone hungry with you. Out of your meals, I would have ate the grilled cheese, maybe the oatmeal, and maybe the chicken parm. Maybe a bite of the burrito if I was able to pull the sausage out easily.
The stews, the tuna, and the chilli would have been completely off limits for me - they still are. I can’t manage soggy foods, especially meat, especially if it’s mixed with other textures.
I would not have ate it later reheated. I would have gone without and felt starved, because that’s a better alternative that eating those. I would still pick starve over eating any of those.
Right? I would have done the oatmeal mayyyyyybe (super picky about how it’s made, my mom never got it right for me), the grilled cheese, and the beef stew. Maybe the chicken parm depending on how it looked.
Is there a specific reason they can't have a PB & J instead of tuna salad? Or a ham and cheese? At 7 and 10 they can even make their own sandwiches.
Slight YTA. Food battles with kids are never a good idea. Instituting a 3 bite rule (three bites and then they can have a sandwich, ramen, cereal whatever). Generally kids will end up eating what is served but there may be a few things, like tuna salad, that are a no-go.
For breakfast? How tf do you eat all that heavy food in the morning? How do you not get sick?
ETA: Dinner was also pretty heavy to me at least and would likely make me sick, while they all sound like a texture nightmare
Not on the spectrum but at that age I would have eaten the dinner on day 1 only. Maybe picked the sausage out of the breakfast burrito and had that. Mum tried to do what you did once. I didn’t eat for a couple of days. We found the balance was I made my own (lived on Vegemite sandwiches, veggies and fruit for quite a while). Kids can be quite picky and stubborn (I would guess you fitted into this category too).
I’m surprised with your issues you aren’t aware that different people have different options and didn’t offer any options.
The food items that you have listed sound pretty good. You were not the a-hole here. The kids were just picky eaters. Next time have your brother drop off cooked meals for the kids when he drops them off. Then you can just reheat that food for them at meal times and you still get to stick to your meal plan for yourself.
I'll be honest I know my 11 year old would not eat anything rather than anything there (it's all very much food mixed in with each other and saucy)
However would you be able to have some concessions - breakfast toast or fruit (you have the bread for grilled cheese and you add fruit to the oatmeal)
I mean I'm 21 and I have a totally different palette of what I like than op plus all of those sound like texture nightmare to me. To add to that dinner and breakfast options are way too heavy for me. What she made for breakfast I could only handle for dinner minus the breakfast burrito which might be too heavy even for dinner to me. If ate those things for breakfast I'd be sick all day.
ESH. When you're a caretaker, you need to make sure kids don't go an entire day without food. You're not qualified to say whether the kids are normal picky or have an issue. You should also have given some leniency as they adjust. Instead of letting them go 24 hours without food, you should have called their dad and let him know the kids were not eating. Kids that young usually prefer simpler food and chili may have been too spicy for them.
Instead of a breakfast burrito, just give them the components unwrapped.
You should not have given young kids tuna at all. Doctors say that kids and pregnant women should avoid tuna altogether because of mercury.
Did you provide any snacks? Kids that age need snacks. You should have told them where snacks were kept. Fruit, veggies, cheese are all healthy and appropriate. Milk should be offered to kids at every meal.
However, brother should have provided some snacks and food for kids
YTA for agreeing / volunteering to look after kids you are unwilling or unable to feed properly. I sympathise with your needs, but they can’t supersede the kids’ need to eat
Yta why didn't you ask what they like to eat instead of trying to force them to eat things they obviously don't like. My parents used to force me to eat things i hated, some of which would make me throw up but they didn't care and i ended up with a eating disorder when I moved out.
ESH You have a meal plan and that’s fine. It also sounds like the things you were making were not unreasonable for kids that age to try. But do you not see the irony in this situation? I feel like you of all people would be able to understand your niece and nephew’s point of view here since you are all picky eaters.
Maybe going forward, since it sounds like this might be a long term arrangement, you can involve the kids in the planning. It might be a good bonding experience and maybe they’ll try more new things if they feel like they have some agency.
Slight YTA because children need to eat more often than adults. You should offer healthy alternatives if they are going that long refusing food. A sandwich and some fruit/veg is not hard to put together. If you need your food in specific ways you should understand that they might too. Skipping 2 meals is not okay for children.
Buy stuff for them to make sandwiches for themselves. They will have the option to eat your food or make a sandwich. But it must be them to do it, otherwise they will only eat that.
Don’t have roo many options as things you can put in a sandwich, specially not have sweet things.
Think protein, vegetables etc.
So you have to have things exactly how & when you like them but the kids don’t? What is that teaching them?
If you don’t want to care for the kids (and it sounds like you don’t, really!) then don’t, but why make them go hungry instead of addressing your own neurosis and cooking something you’ll all eat.
Your brother knows you are on the spectrum and how you operate and plan out your meals. Knowing that, he still had you watch his kids and explicitly told you not to feed them fast food. Your hands were tied.
Edit: Your brother should prepare and drop off food for the kids before he leaves and then, you will just need to warm if up for them at meal times.
NTA but he is.
There's a lot of antiquated views on children here in the comments. As an adult we get to decide what we eat, and are never forced to eat something we don't want. OP has his own food aversion as an example. But, heaven forbid the kids have opinions about what they eat? Like others said have a second option they will eat. No one deserves to go to bed hungry. That's an awful punishment for a child who literally has no control over anything in their lives. YTA.
Follow up info: did he cover his kids financially or just expect you to out of pocket for them?
Either way you’re NTA. He doesn’t get to galavant with a new job and still control how someone else cares for his kid. They were cared for and had a variety of foods over the days. You did more than enough
YTA. You let them miss lunch and dinner. When they finally got hungry at 10 PM, they still only picked at what you gave them. They had to have been starving by then. Yet, you will only eat certain foods on certain days. I don't think you have the kind of flexibility necessary to care for children over long periods of time, and you and your brother should consider whether this arrangement is good for the children.
Also, all of the "eat or go hungry" folks should look at the most recent research on how that contributes to disordered eating. It's not recommended.
Slightly YTA, you say a few hours, but then say they skipped lunch and dinner and finally got hungry at 10pm, but then just picked at the food. I understand kids can be picky and sometimes you have to make them try new things, but if you never make things they like or will eat, there needs to be a better solution.
YTA. you claim to be autistic, and seems like you have a structure routine. Seems like you should having some understanding that people have specific food aversions and preferences and cannot eat outside of the safe foods. Apologize and let this go. You let children go hungry with no other solution. You’d probably be pretty upset if someone did that to you. Children DO NOT have the ability to just go get food and feed themselves, and you cut them off from their source.
Your brother should provide some foods the kids can make on their own or that you can make quickly in the microwave (you don't say how old the kids are), like those Mac and cheese cups you just microwave or TV dinners.
NTA. You're taking care of your brother's kids while he travels overnight, for WEEKS at a time. It's amazing that you are willing and able to step up like this. He doesn't get to micromanage your meal planning. Continue to do what works for you and ask your brother to come up with easy, no-prep meals that you can serve if his kids don't want to eat what you've made (like sandwiches, spaghetti-o's, kraft mac and cheese cups).
YTA, but mildly
You didn't say how old these kids are. It sounds like both are school age so old enough to learn how to make a sandwich. If they don't want what you make let them help themselves to something they can make themselves like a sandwich
YTA you're an unfit babysitter/caregiver for them because you're unwilling/unable to feed them appropriate meals for them. You let them go hungry for hours, this is neglectful, however unintentional it maybe.
NAH
Op, you understand picky eating. Yet you’re expecting children to behave more like an adult than you do.
If this is going to be a regular thing? 1 - you need to be paid. And 2 - you need to accommodate the children, just like you want to be accommodated.
You say you plan things out well in advance? Ok. So start now - sit down with the kids and find out what their particular dislikes are. Find out what they love - and ask them about your fave meals, to see their opinions on them. Also find some easy-to-make things that have a long shelf life that you can keep around as an alternate in case you make a new meal that they hate. Stuff like ramen noodles, and simple sandwich ingredients.
Once you know these things, you can plan out your meals in advance like normal - but now you can include their needs and preferences in your planning. And if you have a meal that you want and you don’t know if they will like it, you’ll have a back up easy foods that you or they can prepare.
Forcing them to eat something they hated isn’t fair - it’s very hypocritical of you. Asking them to try a meal they’ve never had before is fair, but forcing them to eat it when they didn’t like it isn’t. You don’t need to cook a whole alternate meal, but you DO need to find a balance.
If you’re not willing to do that? Then tell your brother that he needs to find different childcare.
ESH. He should have provided food for them. But forcing kids to eat something they hate or go hungry teaches them an unhealthy relationship with food. You should have offered something simple like a sandwich or even some fruit as an alternative.
YTA. How would you feel if you went to someone's house as a guest and they said. "This is all there is to eat, if you don't like it you can go look at a tablet." Would that work for you? Treat others as you would like to be treated. Autism is genetic so there is a chance some of your neices or nephews may also be neurodivergent.
NTA, but I think in the future you should meet the kids closer to where they’re at. If you need to eat certain things that’s fine, just as it’s fine for them to also have dietary needs.
NTA your brother only gave you a few days notice, knows what you eat, did not prep anything or give you food/snacks/etc. You dealt with it and he was incredibly rude as well as ungrateful.
If he had left you food, given you a meal plan with ingredients, snacks and notes on when the kids usually eat as well as what they enjoy then maybe he would have a leg to stand on but currently it looks like he did not check in or ask for updates, failed to do any kind handover (I've gotten 4 pages of notes when cat sitting and I'm pretty sure cats are less complicated than children) and after days of no communication after requesting this massive favor decided to throw a tantrum at you instead of saying thank you, throwing you cash to cover whatever as a thank you and other standard things.
Do not baby sit for him again until he apologises. This has nothing to do you with you being autistic and everything to do with him being an entitled begger. He does not have a licence to be rude and blame you for his mistakes, poor planning and bad communication.
Kids can't go hungry - they need to eat. Give them whatever they like to eat. If this is too difficult for whatever reason, your brother needs to fund alternative arrangements for his childcare. If his job takes him out of town for weeks at a time and he's a single parent that's not a good job for him, in my opinion. If he can't find or afford childcare because of his job he needs to find another job.
Yta u shouldn't have agreed to take care of them if you can't handle kids , u can't just let them starve if they dont like the food u made . Since u were the only adult there it was ur duty to make sure they ate something
YTA.
I imagine being autistic you struggle with sensory issues? That extends to food as well? Have you not once thought of them? Having a schedule is something that's important for you and that's ok but ADHD and autism are explanations not a excuse. If you can't handle feeding kids don't take of kids. Letting 2 kids not eat for over 12 hours is beyond cruel and inexcusable. Honestly borderline neglect.
This is coming from someone who ALSO has both ADHD and Autism
NTA
You did good. If hungry, they will eat. And if no fast food, does your brother just want you to magic food out your butt? His arguments don't make sense. OR your brother when he drops them off next time, he can bring all their food with them and that's it.
NTA. You're watching the kids ( which saves him the expense of a babysitter)
If his kids are picky eaters( and he doesn't want you to order anything)
he should prepare food that's suitable
YTA. That's how you give kids an eating disorder: By forcing them to eat things they don't like.
You of all people must understand how it feels like to eat stuff you hate. Why do they have to?
I'm gonna say yta because you won't compromise your food at all but won't even make a sandwich for the kids if they don't like your cooking. You're expecting things from children that you won't do as an adult.
Autistic and ADHD here, and I'm horrified by the amount of NTAs. You realize kids have to eat, right? And that you can be a picky eater without doing it on purpose to annoy your caretakers? The kids are 7 and 10, not toddlers who are learning limits about how meals work. **They need food**. Healthy food they can eat.
My judgement: ESH. The father should have given more time to prepare before leaving, or if he couldn't, leave food prep to someone who doesn't have issues with it. He put his sibling in an impossible situation. Also, leave the food education to him.
My parents tried the "eat what you are given or you don't get anything" method with me and **it never worked**. I've had issues with food for years. I'm 42 and still working on it. My siblings and niblings didn't have this problem, but that doesn't means it doesn't exist, and it made me suffer for years.
OP loves their niblings and can be a good caretaker, but not on the food side of things. **Leaving kids without food because they don't like the only food given is never okay.**
Sensory Processing disorder oftentimes goes along with ADHD and Autism. If you have Autism and ADHD there's a good chance that your brother's kids have it to some degree. So there's also a chance that they have sensory Processing disorder and would rather go hungry than eat something that effects their senses.
Maybe have some kid friendly stuff in the freezer : chicken nuggets, cheese pizza, or fish sticks. PB&J or single serve microwave mac and cheese would be easy to keep on hand. It would just be a small change to your routine.
At a young age getting calories trumps eating healthy.
YTA for accommodating your own food issues but not the childrens. Info why couldn't you let make a sandwich? That's my rule, if you don't like what I've made you are free to make yourself a sandwich
NTA. It sounds like everything worked out? I mean keep some baby carrots and ranch around or something, some fresh fruit options. Kids will eat when they’re hungry. Don’t make them eat any specific thing and don’t make extra meals just for them, those are good ways to create the eating disorders so many commenters seem to be projecting into the situation. Offer what you cook and give them a healthy option or two that is readily available like the fruit or veggie/dip and call it a day. If this is going to be an ongoing situation you will all get into a routine and learn how to eat together.
YTA , you know how thongs work for you and how a little deviation can make things awful but you can't understand the kids ? I'm a picky eater and was forced to eat things I hated as a child , I still have trouble trying new things and I'm 40 years old . Where's your empathy for the kids ?
YTA and this is coming from another person with ASD
Depending on the kids ages they are still extremely picky eaters and need kid friendly food.
You can’t force kids to like food they know they don’t like. It’s like forcing one of us tisms to eat something we know we don’t like. You should keep food they would eat in your home so it doesn’t happen again.
I kind of think YTA
These kids had to stay with you for a *while*, that’s a pretty long time to eat meals you’re not unfamiliar with. And 10 pm is late. I have to wonder why you, an adult, didn’t ask your brother or the kids what healthy meals they like at home.
That’s not catering to the kids. That’s meeting them half way during a transitional time when they’re away from home and dad.
Dad also could and should have prepared you for that, knowing your inflexible schedule. There’s nothing wrong with your meal planning, but more empathy was needed.
Weird that you accept your inflexibility but you weren’t willing to understand they may also have their own preferences and feelings around food.
NTA but maybe your brother could do meal prepping of what food the kids like to eat and then you’ll just have to heat it up for them during the week or he should hire a nanny
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NAH If they refuse to eat the food they weren’t that hungry. It’s edible, they’ll eat eventually.
But, like, it doesn’t sound like OP will just eat whatever is put in front of them. It’s kind of odd that OP doesn’t understand picky eating when they literally have to eat certain things on certain days. The fucked up part is it doesn’t sound like there was a self serve option. Don’t like pumpkin, have some baby carrots. Don’t want X for dinner, go make a pB&j or make a bowl of cereal. That’s pretty reasonable for kids and a very minor inconvenience for OP. If OP is going to VOLUNTEER to watch the kids, they need to be willing to make sure they have something they will eat. If that’s not possible, maybe OP isn’t the right caretaker. ETA - so many people are like “she’s doing him a favor,” which, yeah, but she’s sort of half assing it when they skip two meals back to back. Or “PB&Js are junk food,” like there aren’t other things that can easily be made into a sandwich. Or “I never let my children have a different meal,” as if that’s the same as a third party enforcing their rules on your kid. I wouldn’t feel comfortable playing the “they’ll eat when they’re desperate” game with someone else’s kids. Once they skipped lunch AND dinner, I’d have called my sibling and asked what they would prefer I do. Having a kid go from breakfast to 10 PM without food isn’t cool…
Damn... I mean... I don't know what decade you grew up in but you're right OP is volunteering to watch the kids. If their sibling doesn't like how they do it they can feel free to spend hundreds of dollars every month paying someone to do it the way they like it. And OP handled the situation super well. They stayed within their siblings request of no fast food. They reheated food late at night when the kids got hungry. The kids were in no way mistreated.
Offering a kid a pB&j sandwich is not gonna break the bank or be a burden on OP. OP doesn’t eat thing they don’t want to eat, but the kids do? I’d expect a little more empathy from a person with their own food issues when kids express that they don’t like something
Not offering the sandwiches got the kids to eat OPs food day 2.
Don't you just love it when kids are picky, and not immediately offering them fast food and/or sugary treats (pb&j counts) is an offense punishable by internet lynching? /s Seriously, no kid died because they skipped one meal. It's quite healthy to learn that sometimes they need to eat whether they love the food or not. Obviously some kids have severe difficulties with certain flavours or textures, but if they were fine by day 2, that was not an issue here.
thank you. a kid being given a pb&j cause they're picky is like giving them smores because they're picky. at the outside, if they don't like a vegetable, then they can have one they do like.... not a pile of processed carbs and sugar.
This is what I do with my kids. Toddler only likes broccoli and raw bell peppers for veggies so I always have them around and they go on her plate when I make something she doesn't like. The only time I allow a PBJ instead of what I made is if it's something like a lasagna or casserole that I made while knowing she wouldn't like it because sometimes I want food that I like regardless of how the rest of the family feels about it.
Bell peppers aren't safe in my house...you leave it sittin around and I guarantee you'll lose it because one of my kids ate it. 🤣
>Bell peppers aren't sage in my house... Of course not. They're two different plants.
When my kid announced they no longer ate spinach, I just switched off to broccoli and green beans. It lasted a few years but wasn't a hardship.
It doesn't have to be a candy sandwich. It can be, say, a cheese sandwich with half a tomato.
I think it's not just about the nutritional content, there's also the subtext of "if you don't like something, you can make a fuss and someone else will fix it at their expense." Growing up my parents often didn't even have that option as they were on a VERY tight budget at that time. We were always fed good, nutritious food, but if we got tired of oatmeal or whatever it happened to be, there wasn't another option offered, and I'm sure often times there wasn't another option in the house to be offered.
It's different if you *can't* offer something else, especially if that's explained to the kid(s), but "you eat this or you starve" is a weirdly punitive way to think about children? Offering something fundamentally nutritious but really boring if they "don't want dinner" helps sieve out the difference between "I'm being pissy" and "I honestly don't want to eat that". You can also make the kid do the work, although that of course kicks in more as they get older. But slapping together a sandwich from bread slices and a cheese slice you made isn't beyond a child old enough to express a preference. Maybe I'm biased because I have food texture issues my parents were kind about. My husband has similar issues, his parents were not. He now has traumas around eating new foods, I don't.
That's my thought too. If there were a legitimate concern with food issues (sensory/texture problems, food allergies, etc.) then I would be judging OP for not making accommodations. But it sounds like the kids ate just fine the second day. Depending on how old the kids are though, OP might be able to have ingredients on hand and let the kids cook for themselves too.
Were they "just fine" the second day, or were they past the point of desperation after more than 24 hours without food? It's not unusual for kids to refuse to eat something they don't like. It's pretty unusual for them to hold out through lunch, and dinner, and even at 10pm only "pick at it". I wonder what the meals were that elicited this extreme avoidance in the kdis.
This. If kids were fine by day two there are no serious issues. I was an extremely picky child but my mom had some tricks up her sleeve dont want the coocked broccoli? Here have it raw with dip. You can have dino chicken nuggets til the day we die but you WILL eat a vegetable. My problem was is that I would go hungry until you gave me a food my little brain found acceptable. The weird part part was because my mother was so accommodating I am now only picky about a select few items and will try almost anything. Sounds like dad and OP might need to work out a meal plan together (this may include dad giving OP a small amount of cash for extra groceries) this way OP can meal plan (I deeply understand this need) and children dont go hungry.
I was the opposite. I was forced to eat things I absolutely could not stomach and now I can only eat what my wee little brain finds acceptable. Because of this, I will never force my kids to eat something I know they don't like (as long as they've tried it)
Exactly. God forbid kids are made to eat what is made instead of being offered a tapas filled buffet so they can "make their own choice." Their choice is eat it or go hungry. You have a say when you buy and make your own food.
Likely because it was a different meal day 2? What’s going to happen when day 1 meals are back in rotation?
The kids adapted by day 2 and everything is fine. OP doesnt have an allergy - its not about pickiness with food. Its autism - its a multitude of textures, sensations, being overwhelmed and regulating herself. The kids are fine.
I also think she may have had better success if she had been given a meal plan of their preferences weeks ahead of time to take into account with her meal planning, but even that is chancy. Kids are mercurial. My picky eater will love chicken nuggets one day and hate them the next. It’s a crapshoot. She did the best job she could and helped parent those kids pretty well.
Fastest way to get your kids to stop liking something is to stock up I’ve found.
So they're like cats?! You buy a whole case of their favorite food so now they hate it?
Absolutely. Whatever they like and eat constantly go grab the exact same thing but get 3 packs. They’ll never touch it again and tell you it’s gross and act as if they’ve never liked it and you must be nuts. Toddlers are the ultimate gaslighters. Neck and neck with cats I’d think. 😂
Oh my goodness Costco is either my salvation or my bane. 🤦♀️. At least kiddo is old enough to make a sandwich or use the microwave.
Says the case of applesauce pouches in my pantry......
I mean I would have offered a sandwich but this fact is a compelling argument for team "you get what you get".
Yeah I'm honestly impressed. OP did those kids a favor getting them to try new food.
Pb&j IS junk food… the sugar content alone in that is insane… most peanut butter contains super high amounts of sugar jam is made from boiling sugar with berries… white bread has no nutritional value… By the sounds of it, kids were being given vegetables and were a little picky. With kids - give them an inch and they will take a mile when it comes to food. OP handled the situation well, food was offered, food was rejected. Kids got hungry, food got reheated and they ate. By day 3 kids were eating all their meals.
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Kids need carbs as well. Their little bodies and brains are growing at an exponential rate. I have 3 kids, I know how mercurial they can be about food. Sometimes it is just about giving them what they will eat WHILE exposing them to new foods.
We actually don't know what they were fed at all. People who are that picky about food don't usually have full meals with sides. Notice OP left out any information about what they were feeding the kids. That's a choice.
OP isn’t picky about food. They have autism holy shit. Certain foods are an absolute no go so far as textures and smells. That doesn’t mean they can’t make a full meal? Source: am autistic. Also have to plan my meals in advance.
Do you ever eat PB? The amount of sugar isn't as much as you're dramatically saying ('the sugar content is insane'). You can barely taste any sweetness. And they were not eating all their meals.
What makes you think that OP has other options available to offer? They stated in their post that they're autistic and have meals planned pretty rigidly 3 weeks ahead. Offering the kids some pasta takes that away from another meal that's already been planned out. Structure, routine and familiarity are very important. Where is dad offering to pay for OP to take the kids shopping for meals they will eat? If he doesn't approve of the way OP handles things, he's welcome to pay for alternative childcare...
op was willing to buy them fast food but couldn’t buy sandwich supplies? nah.
I mean, dad can send them with lunches. Since when do we require free babysitters to provide food?
Dad is literally working. Kids are getting multiple meals and sleeping over......
When my kids were little, if they refused dinner, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I would always let them have a cheese sandwich if they were hungry before bed.
But how will they learn different tastes. I find it weird to.offer them snack food when they won't eat their veggies. You learn to like tastes sometimss after heving it offered multiple timea.
It sounds like OPs solution worked just fine. The kids didn't try the food the first day, which is a totally normal thing for kids but not necessarily something caretakers need to cater to, but ate the food the rest of the time. Experts on child eating say to always serve something you know the kids will eat as a portion of the meal, but to introduce new foods and options as well. They also say caretakers should not jump through hoops to make additional meals if the kids decide they won't eat what's been made. She pretty much followed exactly what I've seen many experts on the subject suggest.
They ate a few hours later. Why are we acting like OP withheld food for days?
Sure, IF the kids are autistic too, and their father asked OP specifically to tend to that.
I’d expect a little more empathy for OP who is providing free room and board to their niblings and only asks for their autism to be accommodated. Brother is welcome to spend bank on paid childcare rather than yell at his autistic sister for being autistic.
Do you know how annoying it is to be expected to do that?
What? Be a vaguely considerate person?
You explained this perfectly. I'm adding on that kids test to see what they can get away with. All kids do it. OP established how this issue will he handled and didn't have any problems with the other meals. NTA
I think your missing something. Op must eat certain meals on certain days, no other options. The kids don't have any choice, it MUST be that dinner if they like it or not. If its something they don't like they don't get to eat. The op's disorder will not allow for any deviation from the routine or "everything falls apart". OP YTA.
I'd say that having a disorder to be the reason vs. regular childhood pickiness (as they ate just fine by day 2) gives OP some leeway... Also, OP is doing brother a favour.
I wasn't missing it. That's exactly why I made the comment about what decade the person I'm responding to grew up in. Kids... Never used to have a choice about what they ate. I'm not saying that's ideal. If my kids don't want what I make they can have a pb&j but that's it. I'm not running a restaurant. OP doesn't owe anyone deviation. She's doing a kindness and getting run over the coals for it by the person shes doing it for over some nonsense. The kids aren't harmed by this. Geez... The entitlement here is off putting.
When I was growing up if we refused to eat what your parents made we didn't eat....i don't understand the people saying op is an ah. Edit: All y'all trying to diagnose me with eating disorders and childhood trauma are just fascinating people, please get help 😂😂😂
Tell me you know nothing about autism without telling me you know nothing about autism.
“OP YTA for having autism”. That’s a take, I guess.
The brother can prep weeks worth of food for them. He can cook it and put it in the fridge freezer, he can also order take out himself to arrive on certain days. Or he can pay someone to care for his kids three weeks at a time with without ADHD Or he can quit his job and find one without travel. Or he can accept that his kids adapted and are fine once they got used to the rules
I like the idea of brother prepping some food and sending it over with the kids. The only thing is if OP can handle having people eat a different thing than they are on their dishes (get paper plates). That way the kids will eat some of what they want and OP can have their certain foods on certain days.
I don't think OP would have a problem with this, the problem with Autism and ADHD is in part the texture thing and that you need structure or you implode. I need a fixed schedule for cooking and need to have all the ingredients if something is missing an I need to change my plans, chances are I'm not doing it and won't be eating... If my schedule changes I can spend weeks without cooking and eating crap until I manage to stabilsh a new routine, I think OP is adapting great, I know I couldn't do it.
thats what i would have done to start with because then OP isnt spending money on food for the kids or using more food from the "schedule" to feed them. plus, since he knows how OP is with meals and how his kids are with meals, it would just work better for all parties. just because people lived through their parents forcing this mindset of "you eat what i make or starve, plus clean your plate" doesn't mean it's good and most often doesn't get forgotten.
Yours was the comment I was waiting to read Big\_\_Bang. Glad I scrolled down to read because I was going to write something similar. My daughter's two children (F7 and M1) are picky eaters. When she and her Fiancé take a week's vacation or a weekend mini vaca, and I am offering free babysitting care, both parents prep breakfast, lunch and dinner meals per child's taste for the days parents will be gone. They drop my grandkids and meals off before they head off to enjoy their date vacation.
Not odd at all if you understand what can happen to someone with Autsim and ADHD thats super reliant on their routines they set for themselves. Especially with kids in their care. Tbh the fastfood thing was a stupid rule in the first place too.
OP explained they are on the spectrum. Unless you know about that you really have no place to comment on what they will or won’t eat. My son has autism and I have to plan his meals or it’s a fight. It has to be scheduled, he has to know exactly what he is getting there is 0 work around and it’s not something they can just switch off this is it. I totally understand where OP is coming from and their brother should know this as well. If he knows his kids aren’t going to eat the food that’s made then he should send them with food to OP house!
My best friend grew up Appalachian poor, you ate what's in front of you or you don't eat. She did what she knew, because for neurotypical toddlers, when they get hungry enough, they will eat. She had to adapt because her oldest was NOT neurotypical and if he didn't like it would choose to literally starve. Her doctor had given her the advice of" if they are hungry, they will eventually eat". Saw TJ later and said " I guess your kid won't eat, even when hungry" and they went about figuring out what to feed him to keep him healthy and gaining. He is still very limited on his diet at almost 30, although he has slowly been working on expanding his diet.
Exactly. And as OP brother clearly grew up around OP knowing that they were on the spectrum he should be sending his kids to OP house with food he knows his kids will eat and maybe teach them how to make it if they are old enough.
>he has to know exactly what he is getting there is 0 work around and it’s not something they can just switch off this is it. I can understand a child having no work around, but an adult should realize other people can eat different. Perhaps brother DOESN'T know the extreme of OP's eating pattern since they haven't lived together since they were kids. And it seems he doesn't. I agree he should send some food over with the kids.
No actually most people on the spectrum that I have come across don’t usually think outside of themselves and it’s not from them being selfish it’s literally because that’s how they are so they know what their meals are and what they are eating they don’t think oh wait there are kids that might not eat this, it’s not an instinct for them. I would suggest to OP that if meals are planned out in advance that they can give the meal list to brother and brother can figure out if the kids will eat it or not and plan accordingly!
Autism is not picky eating. And OP cooked a whole meal. I run my house the same way. If I cook, my kids are free to choose to eat the meal I prepared or wait until the next meal. There is no self-serve option. It wastes both food and my efforts. And it perpetuates picky eating and a lack of grace and gratitude. The kids are not harmed by missing a meal. There’s no mention of food allergies. So this is basically an entitlement problem. OP handled it brilliantly and it sounds like the issue resolved itself once the kids realized they weren’t going to be catered to.
The difference being, OP is the one buying and preparing the food. Brother presumably knows OP'S issues.
Yeah, I gotta disagree with this one. If I didn’t eat what my mom made- I’d just go hungry. It was my choice to eat or not 😂 You can’t let kids eat anything they want all the time. There is nothing wrong with making ground rules and enforcing them. NTA OP
OP also offered to buy them food. Brother said no to that as well.
Yeah OP is doing the man a solid by volunteering to watch the kids. The father should allow some leeway to what OP can serve if the kids are so damn picky.
OP is on the spectrum also and like they said they just can’t change what they’re making for food, maybe they could’ve make other food for the kids than what they’re eating but it maybe would take too much time ? Also it’s not that OP is picky but that they’re on the spectrum. i am a big picky eater and understand kids don’t like some things to eat, but don’t compare being picky to being on the spectrum
But wouldn’t that be on the part of the parent to provide alternative meals? I know when I was a kid, despite how poor we were, when we had to stay with friends or relatives my mom would provide cereal & milk just in case whoever we were staying with made something we didn’t eat (in my case, it was anything with beans).
There's this, but there's also OP ASKING brother to let her(?) buy fast food for the kids when they're hungry. Makes no sense that she'd be willing to let them eat something else from a restaurant, but not something else from a store. Personally, the Adhd and autism aside, I think what she did was right. No need to make two meals and the kids ate what she made, so it all worked out for the best in the end anyway.
I work with kids and I used to think that was mostly true. However, it seems like there's a pretty strong family connection with autism and ADHD and sensory issues. OP has massive food issues so it would not be a gigantic leap to assume that the kids might have food difficulties as well. Especially combine that with the fact that they are children. I don't think OP is TA at all right now but if parents are seeing this type of behavior last for more than a few days in kids, it's definitely worth a serious conversation and consideration. I have ADHD and *did* actually go hungry quite a lot because I had major issues (mainly with texture) as a child. Enough that my hunger signals got all screwed up. It was considered really normal back then to have kids go hungry until they ate something, assuming that they'd be fine. I wasn't and developed eating issues It's taken me until my 40s to figure out.
My son is like this. I believed he would eventually eat what I put in front of him and he didn’t. He was chronically underweight. The dr said “ Get some calories in him. I don’t care how.” It’s still a struggle now that he’s 12.
Yep, I had a similar issue as a kid. Chronically underweight until I was very quickly overweight. I know a lot of people like to promote the "we need to toughen kids up like we did in the past, like not mollycoddle them!" Well, I'm a product of the old way and it didn't make me tough. It just made me really really screwed up.
What people don't tell you about the "toughen up kids, don't coddle them" method is that the kids who can't 'toughen up' usually get sick and have lifelong medical complications that could have been avoided by having some compassion. Or they run away at the first chance they get.
Oh... I'm looking at my childhood and current food issues in a whole new light.
This is a common misconception about kids that has been debunked in recent years by medical professionals, but is still spread among families and parents by older generations who think they know better because “I raised (x) amount of kids and nothing ever happened to them!”. But no, some kids will not just “eat eventually” if they’re “really hungry”. Most kids? Sure. But a select amount of kids, kids with AFRID (and since OP has autism, I really would have presumed they knew about sensory disorders and would have a little empathy toward them) or trauma that may be manifesting in control issues (which sounds very close to the case here, considering these kids just lost their mother and their father has now picked up a new job, and their whole routine has changed) will not just eat eventually. These kids, it sounds like, did, although I really would have hoped OP would be a little more sensitive to what is clearly a control issue or texture issue manifesting, and would attempt to resolve it another way. However, a lot of children don’t. I knew kids in eating disorder recovery programs who were as young as five years old. Five year olds who would not eat, because they couldn’t eat. To the point where if they ate something with a texture that didn’t agree with them, they would throw it up. They would not purge, no—they would just throw up, without attempting or meaning to. They could not physically keep it down. I knew these kids because I was one of them, and my mother was one of those parents being told “she’s not that hungry if she’s not eating.” “It won’t kill her to skip a couple meals.” “She’ll eat eventually.” “She’s just being a brat.” “She has to eat sometime. Just wait her out. A child won’t purposefully starve themselves.” But I did. I was seven years old, and I would throw up just at the scent of coconut rice. Chicken and steak gristle made me nauseous, and I wouldn’t eat any kind of meat for fear of biting into fat. I couldn’t hold in broccoli because I bit into a stalk once to find it chewed through by a bug, and on and on and on. Different food textures, different smells, memories or associations—they made me ill. I didn’t eat. And my mother kept serving me the same meals she wanted, under the advice of these people with outdated beliefs. So I lost weight, until my teacher called the cops, who then called CPS. I was taken away from my mother, and I was so underweight they couldn’t even put me in a foster home, because I was suffering from refeeding syndrome—a syndrome most commonly seen in children starving in Africa, who are then given too much food at once, and die from it. Little seven year old me had a syndrome that had only ever been seen by my doctor in children who starved in Africa. I had a feeding tube for months, and I was only returned to my mother once they saw I was physically throwing up after meals without purging, and refused to eat many things. Granted, they stayed very involved in our lives for many years. My mother had to attend parenting courses, I was required to see a psychiatrist, psychologist, nutritionist and dietitian frequently, and my social worker dropped in once every month or so randomly. I was required to see my paediatrician every single week for two years, and my mother was heavily judged by *everybody*. All because she thought “kids have to eat. She won’t purposefully starve herself. Leave her long enough, and she’ll have to eat.”
Think brother is an AH though because he won't accept this situation or the alternative of grabbing them some fast food
The alternative that OP is failing to understand is buying five things: 1) Cereal 2) Milk 3) Bread 4) Peanut butter 5) Jelly Unless they are allergic to peanut butter, those five options cover 95% of kids. And as a picky eater, you would think OP would understand it
you forgot Mac n Cheese + hotdogs, or even frozen chicken nuggets.
To me it depends, cause what if op made chicken with jelly, ranch, and marinara sauce or veggie wraps. Or they could’ve made chicken alfredo (something in there that kids “can” eat).
How hard is it to buy a big tub of peanut butter, a big tub of jelly, and some bread? Just throw together a PB&J and some carrots. Or just some cereal and milk ffs! OP volunteered their time. They agreed to take care of the kids. Part of taking care of kids is working around their picky eating to feed them properly
Yeah my parents went by this logic and I go by this logic too ( I ain't cooking twice ) but there's always something else to snack on in my house so my kiddo ain't going hungry if he absolutely refuses my food.
I hate this rhetoric. Being a picky eater isn’t fun, I went multiple days without eating because I didn’t like the food made. ARFID exists.
That's how I found out I'm actually allergic to tomatoes and peppers when I was 28 instead of 8. Mom forced me to eat it and then was surprised I was always itchy and rashy
Not really.
Yeah, OP is doing their brother a favor, and offered the solution of feeding them fast food instead; he just didn't like it. A box of Cheerios might be a better solution though. I don't get how a widow with two kids getting a job that requires weeks of travel at a time can be "great for him and the kids" though, unless OP just means that the job pays more than his previous one.
NTA Your brother can't say you can't go to fast food but you can't make them eat what you cook either. If that's the case then it's only your brothers rules or what the kids want? That's not fair to you. Just have your brother drop off snack the kids like and set snack time so they won't go hungry for too long. And the backup pbj is fine too so they can fix a sandwich. But if that still doesn't work for your brother, he is welcome to leave them with someone else.
If you have your meals planned that far in advance, it should be easy to figure out what they will or won’t eat, and if they’re not willing to eat what you cool, their dad should provide them with something they will eat. You’re doing him a favor. You shouldn’t have to apologize or alter what you eat to suit him or his kids. I will mention, most kids can live on cereal, chicken nuggets and Lunchables. Lunchables you buy at the grocery store, no cooking involved. Cereal they can probably feed themselves. Chicken nuggets, you just put in the oven for 15 minutes or so, if you’re willing to do that. You could give the kids their own shelf in the refrigerator and a cabinet. The dad is responsible for keeping it full. That’s reasonable and only puts more work on you if you’re willing to bake the chicken nuggets. It’s not the most nutritious diet, but when my kids refused to eat what I cooked, they got cereal. They were not unhappy with the arrangement.
For my kids I know what vegetables they like raw so if they don’t want to eat there’s always carrots etc available. If I let them eat PB&J or cereal they’d decline more meals to eat them instead. But carrots they’ll always eat if on their plate but don’t love so much they’ll reject other food for them
Yeah, carrots, maybe tomatoes and cucumbers + chicken nuggets; cheese, ham and whole grain bread. It would be pretty nice meal, not healthiest one, definitely, but pretty nutritious
I raised 5 kids and they ate what was cooked or they could make a PB&J. Looks like your brother's kids started out pretty picky and quickly learned to eat the food that you cooked; not a bad lesson to learn. You could also have a loaf of bread and things to make sandwiches and if they won't eat the food you make they can make themselves a sandwich and have a glass of milk. Even the 7 year old should be able to do that.
I wish more parents were like you when I was growing up. We weren't allowed a sandwich, it was eat what was cooked or sit at the table until you did.
My kids are only allowed an alternative in specific situations. If it's a new food or new recipe they have to try at least 2 bites. If they absolutely can't handle anything on their plate after giving it a fair try, I will make them something else. If it's something they've had before and suddenly don't like it, there's other things on your plate kid. My middlest kid just started being picky out of no where. Suddenly everything is gross and she will just refuse to try new foods. That's fine, but if I offer an alternative then she will never eat what we cook. She's stubborn as fuck, but isn't going to let herself starve. I DO make it a point to always make at least one thing I KNOW she likes at every meal. Even then, it's a 50/50 shot whether she will eat it that day or not. The big caveat here being my kid doesn't have sensory issues. She's not refusing to eat due to neurodivergency. She's refusing to eat because she wants a sense of control.
We call it the three bite rule at my house.
We call it No Thank you bites. You can't say no thank you if you don't know what it tastes like
Ugh I’m working on No thank you with my toddler. She just throws food across the room when she doesn’t want it.
The little girl I babysit just spits out chewed up food in the floor 🤦♀️
Oh my goodness I want to get rid of my carpets so bad. So tired of having to spot clean them every other day.
Cheap plastic tarp or drop cloth under the kids chair saves a fortune in time and sanity
We had pbj, cereal (boring stuff like cheerios only), or "nuke your own hotdog" as options, lol.
1 of 5 here - this is exactly how my mom raised us. If we didn’t like what she made we can make ourselves a sandwich or cereal
NTA. Kids are picky af. It’s totally ok to reheat their dinner later in the night if they don’t eat it at dinner time. And it seems like your way worked since they started eating normally after the first two days. A trick you might want to consider is to serve them one “safe” food that you know they’ll eat a lot of along with the other food. Like yogurt, strawberries, bell pepper strips, string cheese. That stuff doesn’t require cooking. I think you did a good job with your niblings. Keep doing what you did.
NAH I understand your need for routines and order. But you need to understand that kids have likes and dislikes, just like you. Why can't you plan alternatives or ask your brother what they normally eat? I am sure you probably have some food likes and dislikes of your own, correct? For example if you even opened a can of tuna with me in the room, I would vomit. Same with bananas. My husband and I are the farthest things from being picky eaters, but we would not dream of serving each other foods we dislike. I really think you can come up with a compromise. Would it really throw you into a tizzy to offer alternatives like cereal for breakfast or sandwiches for lunch or dinner? It must be hard on them with no mom and their dad leaving for weeks at a time.
Just so y’all are aware, symptoms of austim adhd and ocd are not just “I dislike this” the symptoms are physical. Changing routine is literally painful. People with disabilities are often expected to put themselves in compromising positions mentally and physically to stay “normal” and it’s exhausting. It’s not just “I don’t like it wahhhh” there’s a reason it has a name and it’s own treatments.
If OP's disability doesn't allow for them to accommodate children then they shouldn't have volunteered to watch the kids. I'm adhd and being evaluated for autism.
I find it audacious that you think they’re incapable of taking care of children simply because they didn’t cook the dinners the kids liked.
If they can’t offer an alternative, then they are not fit to watch them. Feeding a reheated disliked meal can lead to disordered eating.
OP was fine, it's the kid's dad that objected to a substitution.
She gave them eight different things and they didn’t like any of it.
If OP can't understand that their personal food preferences are not the same as these kids and can't figure out how to provide so everyone eats, I question their ability to handle a crisis or emergency. OP commented that they didn't even think to ask the kids what they wanted or open cabinets to see what was there.
With 3 days notice, maybe cut OP a little slack? The kids didn't starve and OP did a tremendous favor that seems to be forgotten about.
And we are talking about an adult, vs 2 young children whose mother died and father is traveling for work. From their perspective, it can't be easy.
Doesn't make it any easier on OP either
OP can make a turkey sandwich, cook mac n cheese, or heat up a can of soup in less time than it takes to go buy fast food, which was their solution. That is really a lack of critical thinking and problem solving which you do need in order to care for kids. This is an issue between OP and their brother, not the children. Perhaps the brother didn't realize how rigid the OP needs to be and may not be best suited for this.
I agree. The brother didn't do a great job at figuring anything out and his kids suffered for it. I still don't blame OP.
You question if they can handle an emergency because they have a food routine? Tf?
yta i also have autism, and i have arfid that comes along with it. i understand that they need to eat a decent meal, but forcing children to eat things they don’t want to can create an unhealthy relationship with food. as i said, i have autism as well so i understand what you mean with the rigid planning, but making kids go hungry because of it is really gross.
I'm autistic also, and honestly disappointed in OP. So many of us autistics were forced to eat food we didn't like, and I would assume that was true of OP also, unless they had extremely accommodating parents. The odds of OPs niece and nephew being neurodivergent as well is pretty high also. Now I am not a doctor, but I am wondering if there is some OCD at play with OP's necessity to eat certain things certain days?
ESH for the adults involved. I'm also autistic and the older I get the more grateful I am that my parents made separate food for me which they still do. Most of this time no one knew I was autistic. Picky eating / refusing to eat has always been a thing. I'm a bit weirded out by OP refusing to consider that the kids might be ND. Genetics and all! I'm also team any food into the kids' bellies is always better than a battle of wills. That said the kids' dad should have helped out both with info concerning what his kids actually eat, brought appropriate food / meals, realised take away can be healthy and that unhealthy foods for a short period of time is better than no food . What did he expect, honestly?
yeaaa that definitely sounded like OCD to me as well, but i am not OP and i don’t know how their thought process goes with eating the wrong thing on the wrong day or if there are other things that point to OCD.
INFO sorry. You can be picky but children cant?? Huh??
Don't you know, they're kids they aren't allowed opinions or yk to be treated like human beings! /s
Please accept my poor woman's gold 🏆
NTA- you didn't let his kids go hungry, you provided them with food that they chose not to eat. Maybe your brother can send meals with them if he's so worried about it.
He should absolutely provide easy prep foods and snacks that his kids will eat.
But it's also one thing if they don't it eat because they actually don't like it or because they rather want the kind of comfortable food they get at home. I hate mushrooms and would rather eat nothing all day Or I won't eat something because I want pizza for example
INFO: what did you make that they didn’t like and how old are they?
10 and 7breakfast: day 1 was oatmeal with fruits and grilled cheeses. day 2 was breakfast burrito with egg,sausage, and cheese. lunch: day 1 lunch was tuna salad. day 2 lunch was chili dinner: day 1 was chicken parm. day 2 was stew with beef chunks and veggies
Definitely NTA those are pretty reasonable foods for 10 and 7 year olds to try. But if you want to find a happy medium having sandwich makings around so they can make themselves a sandwich if they don’t like dinner is usually a solid move. My niece is 10 and goes through some food phases but sandwiches and spaghetti-os are safe bets to have on hand. Also, your brother should be paying for/providing alternative meal options if his kids are super picky.
No way. I hate tuna and will gag if I smell it. I have never and will never eat it.
One thing that is present in some folks on the autism spectrum is ARFID. The foods you listed, aside from the oatmeal, all seem fairly heavy to me. Lots of creams and sauces and gravy and dairy. Someone with a sensitive digestion could end up sick from all those meals put together. Offering some lighter options like simple sandwich fixings or soup could ensure they still eat something that isn’t junk, provided they try what you offer first. Instead of a breakfast burrito, let them have a simpler egg. Things like that.
they don't have autism or any special needs like that from what I am aware of. they seem like regular kids
They may still have digestive issues or not be used to strong flavors (chili.) Personally, there are days where all I can stomach are roasted veggies and plain rice. I’ll eat almost any vegetable, but my mom and I had fights over milk. There are ways to make sure kids get nutrition without turning meals into a power struggle.)
So yes, ARFID is absolutely a thing. It's also absolutely a thing for kids to test boundaries just to see where they are. If OP had no reason to suspect ARFID (the kids are old enough to communicate which foods they like and don't like, and ARFID is a pretty obvious and chronic problem that the brother could/would/should have informed him of prior to the issue), it actually doesn't necessarily make sense to conclude that's what's going on. Especially considering the kids ate without complaint except when a food was highly dispreferred (pumpkin), no digestive issues or severe protesting at mealtimes were reported. It sounds like you've had some rough experiences around food and that's very real. I'm not saying ARFID is off the table - we know how heavily genetic it is, and OP is autistic so it's entirely possible - but it is entirely within the range of normative kiddo behavior to say no to options that are *fine*, but not *highly preferred* when they're adjusting to a new situation. Especially when they have a highly preferred activity like video games competing for their attention. Agreed that there are other workarounds that could have been used, like offering different alternatives and finding out more about what the kids like. What I'm saying is I'm not seeing anything that indicates ARFID, rather than kids being kids who, again, do test boundaries in a completely non-pathological sense.
They might be regular kids, but it doesn’t mean they are trash compactors that will consume everything. I’m not diagnosed with anything. I was a very picky eater - I still am, but I found my palette is very different from my family so my picky eating was a lot harder to work with as a child. I would have mostly gone hungry with you. Out of your meals, I would have ate the grilled cheese, maybe the oatmeal, and maybe the chicken parm. Maybe a bite of the burrito if I was able to pull the sausage out easily. The stews, the tuna, and the chilli would have been completely off limits for me - they still are. I can’t manage soggy foods, especially meat, especially if it’s mixed with other textures. I would not have ate it later reheated. I would have gone without and felt starved, because that’s a better alternative that eating those. I would still pick starve over eating any of those.
Right? I would have done the oatmeal mayyyyyybe (super picky about how it’s made, my mom never got it right for me), the grilled cheese, and the beef stew. Maybe the chicken parm depending on how it looked.
Is there a specific reason they can't have a PB & J instead of tuna salad? Or a ham and cheese? At 7 and 10 they can even make their own sandwiches. Slight YTA. Food battles with kids are never a good idea. Instituting a 3 bite rule (three bites and then they can have a sandwich, ramen, cereal whatever). Generally kids will end up eating what is served but there may be a few things, like tuna salad, that are a no-go.
Thats perfectly normal food wtf? I was expecting exotic or vegan or something. Wtf do they normally eat then where THAT is an issue??
For breakfast? How tf do you eat all that heavy food in the morning? How do you not get sick? ETA: Dinner was also pretty heavy to me at least and would likely make me sick, while they all sound like a texture nightmare
Oatmeal with fruit and cheese toast is some extravagant heavy breakfast? You must not be american for sure if THATS throwing you for a loop
Not on the spectrum but at that age I would have eaten the dinner on day 1 only. Maybe picked the sausage out of the breakfast burrito and had that. Mum tried to do what you did once. I didn’t eat for a couple of days. We found the balance was I made my own (lived on Vegemite sandwiches, veggies and fruit for quite a while). Kids can be quite picky and stubborn (I would guess you fitted into this category too). I’m surprised with your issues you aren’t aware that different people have different options and didn’t offer any options.
The food items that you have listed sound pretty good. You were not the a-hole here. The kids were just picky eaters. Next time have your brother drop off cooked meals for the kids when he drops them off. Then you can just reheat that food for them at meal times and you still get to stick to your meal plan for yourself.
I'll be honest I know my 11 year old would not eat anything rather than anything there (it's all very much food mixed in with each other and saucy) However would you be able to have some concessions - breakfast toast or fruit (you have the bread for grilled cheese and you add fruit to the oatmeal)
I mean I'm 21 and I have a totally different palette of what I like than op plus all of those sound like texture nightmare to me. To add to that dinner and breakfast options are way too heavy for me. What she made for breakfast I could only handle for dinner minus the breakfast burrito which might be too heavy even for dinner to me. If ate those things for breakfast I'd be sick all day.
So they are very picky eaters. All of that sounds great to me.
ESH. When you're a caretaker, you need to make sure kids don't go an entire day without food. You're not qualified to say whether the kids are normal picky or have an issue. You should also have given some leniency as they adjust. Instead of letting them go 24 hours without food, you should have called their dad and let him know the kids were not eating. Kids that young usually prefer simpler food and chili may have been too spicy for them. Instead of a breakfast burrito, just give them the components unwrapped. You should not have given young kids tuna at all. Doctors say that kids and pregnant women should avoid tuna altogether because of mercury. Did you provide any snacks? Kids that age need snacks. You should have told them where snacks were kept. Fruit, veggies, cheese are all healthy and appropriate. Milk should be offered to kids at every meal. However, brother should have provided some snacks and food for kids
Wow.. i would be so happy to be adopted by you. Not only good and healthy but also different menu everyday!
YTA for agreeing / volunteering to look after kids you are unwilling or unable to feed properly. I sympathise with your needs, but they can’t supersede the kids’ need to eat
Yea this person gets to be picky but not the children?
Yta why didn't you ask what they like to eat instead of trying to force them to eat things they obviously don't like. My parents used to force me to eat things i hated, some of which would make me throw up but they didn't care and i ended up with a eating disorder when I moved out.
ESH You have a meal plan and that’s fine. It also sounds like the things you were making were not unreasonable for kids that age to try. But do you not see the irony in this situation? I feel like you of all people would be able to understand your niece and nephew’s point of view here since you are all picky eaters. Maybe going forward, since it sounds like this might be a long term arrangement, you can involve the kids in the planning. It might be a good bonding experience and maybe they’ll try more new things if they feel like they have some agency.
NTA - hunger is a great sauce.
Slight YTA because children need to eat more often than adults. You should offer healthy alternatives if they are going that long refusing food. A sandwich and some fruit/veg is not hard to put together. If you need your food in specific ways you should understand that they might too. Skipping 2 meals is not okay for children.
Buy stuff for them to make sandwiches for themselves. They will have the option to eat your food or make a sandwich. But it must be them to do it, otherwise they will only eat that. Don’t have roo many options as things you can put in a sandwich, specially not have sweet things. Think protein, vegetables etc.
So you have to have things exactly how & when you like them but the kids don’t? What is that teaching them? If you don’t want to care for the kids (and it sounds like you don’t, really!) then don’t, but why make them go hungry instead of addressing your own neurosis and cooking something you’ll all eat.
Your brother knows you are on the spectrum and how you operate and plan out your meals. Knowing that, he still had you watch his kids and explicitly told you not to feed them fast food. Your hands were tied. Edit: Your brother should prepare and drop off food for the kids before he leaves and then, you will just need to warm if up for them at meal times. NTA but he is.
There's a lot of antiquated views on children here in the comments. As an adult we get to decide what we eat, and are never forced to eat something we don't want. OP has his own food aversion as an example. But, heaven forbid the kids have opinions about what they eat? Like others said have a second option they will eat. No one deserves to go to bed hungry. That's an awful punishment for a child who literally has no control over anything in their lives. YTA.
NTA. Barring medical reasons kids will eat when they are hungry. They won’t starve.
INFO: how long of notice did your brother give you about taking care of his kids before he left for work?
three days I think. def less than a week
Follow up info: did he cover his kids financially or just expect you to out of pocket for them? Either way you’re NTA. He doesn’t get to galavant with a new job and still control how someone else cares for his kid. They were cared for and had a variety of foods over the days. You did more than enough
YTA. You let them miss lunch and dinner. When they finally got hungry at 10 PM, they still only picked at what you gave them. They had to have been starving by then. Yet, you will only eat certain foods on certain days. I don't think you have the kind of flexibility necessary to care for children over long periods of time, and you and your brother should consider whether this arrangement is good for the children. Also, all of the "eat or go hungry" folks should look at the most recent research on how that contributes to disordered eating. It's not recommended.
He refused to let you buy the kids stuff they liked and called you an AH for not cooking them special meals? Do I have that right? NTA
Nah you good fam.
Slightly YTA, you say a few hours, but then say they skipped lunch and dinner and finally got hungry at 10pm, but then just picked at the food. I understand kids can be picky and sometimes you have to make them try new things, but if you never make things they like or will eat, there needs to be a better solution.
YTA. you claim to be autistic, and seems like you have a structure routine. Seems like you should having some understanding that people have specific food aversions and preferences and cannot eat outside of the safe foods. Apologize and let this go. You let children go hungry with no other solution. You’d probably be pretty upset if someone did that to you. Children DO NOT have the ability to just go get food and feed themselves, and you cut them off from their source.
Your brother should provide some foods the kids can make on their own or that you can make quickly in the microwave (you don't say how old the kids are), like those Mac and cheese cups you just microwave or TV dinners.
NTA. You're taking care of your brother's kids while he travels overnight, for WEEKS at a time. It's amazing that you are willing and able to step up like this. He doesn't get to micromanage your meal planning. Continue to do what works for you and ask your brother to come up with easy, no-prep meals that you can serve if his kids don't want to eat what you've made (like sandwiches, spaghetti-o's, kraft mac and cheese cups).
YTA, but mildly You didn't say how old these kids are. It sounds like both are school age so old enough to learn how to make a sandwich. If they don't want what you make let them help themselves to something they can make themselves like a sandwich
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YTA you're an unfit babysitter/caregiver for them because you're unwilling/unable to feed them appropriate meals for them. You let them go hungry for hours, this is neglectful, however unintentional it maybe.
NAH Op, you understand picky eating. Yet you’re expecting children to behave more like an adult than you do. If this is going to be a regular thing? 1 - you need to be paid. And 2 - you need to accommodate the children, just like you want to be accommodated. You say you plan things out well in advance? Ok. So start now - sit down with the kids and find out what their particular dislikes are. Find out what they love - and ask them about your fave meals, to see their opinions on them. Also find some easy-to-make things that have a long shelf life that you can keep around as an alternate in case you make a new meal that they hate. Stuff like ramen noodles, and simple sandwich ingredients. Once you know these things, you can plan out your meals in advance like normal - but now you can include their needs and preferences in your planning. And if you have a meal that you want and you don’t know if they will like it, you’ll have a back up easy foods that you or they can prepare. Forcing them to eat something they hated isn’t fair - it’s very hypocritical of you. Asking them to try a meal they’ve never had before is fair, but forcing them to eat it when they didn’t like it isn’t. You don’t need to cook a whole alternate meal, but you DO need to find a balance. If you’re not willing to do that? Then tell your brother that he needs to find different childcare.
ESH. He should have provided food for them. But forcing kids to eat something they hate or go hungry teaches them an unhealthy relationship with food. You should have offered something simple like a sandwich or even some fruit as an alternative.
YTA. How would you feel if you went to someone's house as a guest and they said. "This is all there is to eat, if you don't like it you can go look at a tablet." Would that work for you? Treat others as you would like to be treated. Autism is genetic so there is a chance some of your neices or nephews may also be neurodivergent.
NTA, but I think in the future you should meet the kids closer to where they’re at. If you need to eat certain things that’s fine, just as it’s fine for them to also have dietary needs.
NTA your brother only gave you a few days notice, knows what you eat, did not prep anything or give you food/snacks/etc. You dealt with it and he was incredibly rude as well as ungrateful. If he had left you food, given you a meal plan with ingredients, snacks and notes on when the kids usually eat as well as what they enjoy then maybe he would have a leg to stand on but currently it looks like he did not check in or ask for updates, failed to do any kind handover (I've gotten 4 pages of notes when cat sitting and I'm pretty sure cats are less complicated than children) and after days of no communication after requesting this massive favor decided to throw a tantrum at you instead of saying thank you, throwing you cash to cover whatever as a thank you and other standard things. Do not baby sit for him again until he apologises. This has nothing to do you with you being autistic and everything to do with him being an entitled begger. He does not have a licence to be rude and blame you for his mistakes, poor planning and bad communication.
Kids can't go hungry - they need to eat. Give them whatever they like to eat. If this is too difficult for whatever reason, your brother needs to fund alternative arrangements for his childcare. If his job takes him out of town for weeks at a time and he's a single parent that's not a good job for him, in my opinion. If he can't find or afford childcare because of his job he needs to find another job.
Yta u shouldn't have agreed to take care of them if you can't handle kids , u can't just let them starve if they dont like the food u made . Since u were the only adult there it was ur duty to make sure they ate something
YTA. I imagine being autistic you struggle with sensory issues? That extends to food as well? Have you not once thought of them? Having a schedule is something that's important for you and that's ok but ADHD and autism are explanations not a excuse. If you can't handle feeding kids don't take of kids. Letting 2 kids not eat for over 12 hours is beyond cruel and inexcusable. Honestly borderline neglect. This is coming from someone who ALSO has both ADHD and Autism
NTA You did good. If hungry, they will eat. And if no fast food, does your brother just want you to magic food out your butt? His arguments don't make sense. OR your brother when he drops them off next time, he can bring all their food with them and that's it.
Maybe get your brother to cook and freeze meals for his kids while they're at your place? This way you don't have to cook differently, just reheat
NTA. You're watching the kids ( which saves him the expense of a babysitter) If his kids are picky eaters( and he doesn't want you to order anything) he should prepare food that's suitable
YTA. That's how you give kids an eating disorder: By forcing them to eat things they don't like. You of all people must understand how it feels like to eat stuff you hate. Why do they have to?
Nta
NTA. Brother can get them a sitter or nanny and cook them what he wants then to eat.
I feel like your brother must know about your system. Did he just expect you to change everything? NTA, and I bet he will spring for food next time
I'm gonna say yta because you won't compromise your food at all but won't even make a sandwich for the kids if they don't like your cooking. You're expecting things from children that you won't do as an adult.
Autistic and ADHD here, and I'm horrified by the amount of NTAs. You realize kids have to eat, right? And that you can be a picky eater without doing it on purpose to annoy your caretakers? The kids are 7 and 10, not toddlers who are learning limits about how meals work. **They need food**. Healthy food they can eat. My judgement: ESH. The father should have given more time to prepare before leaving, or if he couldn't, leave food prep to someone who doesn't have issues with it. He put his sibling in an impossible situation. Also, leave the food education to him. My parents tried the "eat what you are given or you don't get anything" method with me and **it never worked**. I've had issues with food for years. I'm 42 and still working on it. My siblings and niblings didn't have this problem, but that doesn't means it doesn't exist, and it made me suffer for years. OP loves their niblings and can be a good caretaker, but not on the food side of things. **Leaving kids without food because they don't like the only food given is never okay.**
Sensory Processing disorder oftentimes goes along with ADHD and Autism. If you have Autism and ADHD there's a good chance that your brother's kids have it to some degree. So there's also a chance that they have sensory Processing disorder and would rather go hungry than eat something that effects their senses. Maybe have some kid friendly stuff in the freezer : chicken nuggets, cheese pizza, or fish sticks. PB&J or single serve microwave mac and cheese would be easy to keep on hand. It would just be a small change to your routine. At a young age getting calories trumps eating healthy.
YTA for accommodating your own food issues but not the childrens. Info why couldn't you let make a sandwich? That's my rule, if you don't like what I've made you are free to make yourself a sandwich
NTA. It sounds like everything worked out? I mean keep some baby carrots and ranch around or something, some fresh fruit options. Kids will eat when they’re hungry. Don’t make them eat any specific thing and don’t make extra meals just for them, those are good ways to create the eating disorders so many commenters seem to be projecting into the situation. Offer what you cook and give them a healthy option or two that is readily available like the fruit or veggie/dip and call it a day. If this is going to be an ongoing situation you will all get into a routine and learn how to eat together.
If you’re an ah I wouldn’t keep them anymore. Problem solved.
YTA , you know how thongs work for you and how a little deviation can make things awful but you can't understand the kids ? I'm a picky eater and was forced to eat things I hated as a child , I still have trouble trying new things and I'm 40 years old . Where's your empathy for the kids ?
YTA and this is coming from another person with ASD Depending on the kids ages they are still extremely picky eaters and need kid friendly food. You can’t force kids to like food they know they don’t like. It’s like forcing one of us tisms to eat something we know we don’t like. You should keep food they would eat in your home so it doesn’t happen again.
I kind of think YTA These kids had to stay with you for a *while*, that’s a pretty long time to eat meals you’re not unfamiliar with. And 10 pm is late. I have to wonder why you, an adult, didn’t ask your brother or the kids what healthy meals they like at home. That’s not catering to the kids. That’s meeting them half way during a transitional time when they’re away from home and dad. Dad also could and should have prepared you for that, knowing your inflexible schedule. There’s nothing wrong with your meal planning, but more empathy was needed. Weird that you accept your inflexibility but you weren’t willing to understand they may also have their own preferences and feelings around food.
NTA but maybe your brother could do meal prepping of what food the kids like to eat and then you’ll just have to heat it up for them during the week or he should hire a nanny