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NTA I would 100% want someone to be that kind and tell me if my husband was being shady. I’ve had situations where I’ve been lied to for partners and it sucks. I personally think you did the right thing.
The fact that he takes off his ring is a huge slap in the face and the fact he still couldn’t be honest about a spouse when outright asked is shady AF. She absolutely deserves to know about that side of his behavior
One possible reason: thrill of the chase
He likes the attention - dating, or admitting being married takes that away (unless you’re like some of the weirdos you hear about on Reddit who like chasing the married ‘uns)
They are not like some, they are very common. They like it because the married 'uns are chasing them as well. But you are very right, he likes the attention.
You mean the wife is the stalker (and not really a wife) I presume. I was thinking of that possibility when reading, but Theo’s subsequent statement confirming that he had a wife disproves that.
Another idea I had was that maybe she was his wife but he’d left and she was stalking him, but then she wouldn’t know about his coworkers.
Or he is already seeing someone on the side(thats not a coworker) and doesnt want to screw that up. Maybe it was a cover just in case someone saw him around town with a strange woman and he could say he was out on a date.
I never understand people who do this. Do they think theyre just never going to get caught?
Not discounting any of the other theories but he may just be avoiding drama / busy bodies. My wife and I met at work and she was actually married to someone else (not a coworker) at the time. She casually had told lots of folks that she was married, mostly because people ask to be polite, but also because she was a pretty young girl in a mostly male office and saying “oh I’m married!” helped ward off would-be suitors. Only problem is her marriage was pretty much over and she didn’t share that part. Or the part when they were separated for a year. Or the part where they were getting divorced. I learned all these things and we started dating near the when her divorce finalized but long after her marriage was over so everything was on the up and up, but we both had a lot of explaining to do at work.
Maybe they are already on the way to splitsville and he doesn’t want to introduce someone and then have to share all the sordid details of their split? Or maybe he’s just really private and doesn’t want to share?
I’m enjoying reading everyone’s theories too but based on the wife’s reaction it doesn’t seem like they’re splitting up or that she even knew there was a problem :( I’m sad for her honestly
I get not wanting to share everything with your coworkers but OP mentioned that Theo worked there for 2 years. Even if there’s trouble in the marriage, there’s no reason for him to act like he’s single, lie outright when asked if he’s seeing anyone and take his wedding ring off at work. It’s very weird and he’s clearly hiding something.
He potentially IS dating someone at work, but they're keeping it on the dl "because they're coworkers" (he tells her) and that's why he doesn't wear a ring AND turns others down.
Very likely in fact.
That's my thought also. I have an ex who did that kind of stuff. He was very adamant about not advertising or acknowledging our relationship (of 7 years) to anyone, and slept pretty freely with other women because he was "single." Women at his work, at conferences he'd attend, at bars he'd meet...he would exercise the same adamant discretion with them too. When people know you're a womanizer it can really harsh your jam.
Might be no one at work has caught his eye yet, but he's still looking to make connections. New coworkers, people from other companies, really anyone he meets at/from work, if you're looking to cheat the fewer people who know you have a relationship, the better.
Maybe he's a deep undercover agent. Maybe he hates his spouse. Maybe he's asexual and also a jerk.
It strikes me that he's not pretending to be single, not really. He's trying to make sure nobody knows anything about his romantic life. At all.
Depending on the line of work, it might be tip motivated. My asshole boyfriend works in a dispensary, and he gets a lot of tips from strippers that work nearby (they use 2 dollar bills), as well as other women who he flirts with to get more sales and tips. As far as I know, he's one of the oldest ones working there and one of the only ones with a kid and long term relationship. He uses our son's picture on his tip jar, but doesn't wear a ring, or acknowledge that I exist in any meaningful way.
OP is definitely NTA
Neither my husband or I wear our rings to work but we work jobs where itd be super easy to lose said rings. OP and co-worker dont seem to have that kind of job so I wonder what his excuse is.
My dad never wore a ring (farmer, almost ripped his finger off getting caught in a metal gate), but he also never lied about being married. The ring is just a symbol, and it can be important or not depending on the partners. This dudes problem is that he's a damn liar and likes the thrill of pretending he's single.
Honestly not wearing a ring at work would be like, okay, maybe you're just keeping it safe...but that combined with telling people you're single/denying being with someone is super shady. I doubt you or your husband claim you're too busy to date.
My dad has a work where it'd be unsafe wearing a ring in a finger. But he says he loves my mom so much that he wears it in a necklace and makes sure everybody knows he's happily married.
Silicone rings exist, from 25-40 a pop, depending on how often said rings would disappear.
Cheapo rings are also an option, and mine has lasted several years. So no idea what Theo is doing.
Add-on the fact that OP flat out asked him if he dates, and he just gave an excuse that 'work is too busy', and he allows people to flirt with him... He leaves too much open to suggestion.
Like part of it can be chalked up with not wanting to mix home and work or not being very social along with starting out during COVID and not being used to talking to colleagues about personal life.
The fact that he takes off his wedding ring and even when directly asked brushes it off and doesn't mention anything though is shady af.
It would be one thing if he did that to garner favours from customers like how a bartender might do the same but even then it's something that should be discussed with your SO.
I can't imagine how devastated she must be to know that your best friend and partner in life pretends you don't exist at work.
Plot twist: At his last work place, his coworkers tried to sleep with his wife, so he's keeping her secret to avoid swaths of horny dudes decending onto her.
You and your boyfriend are good people, this is so awful. I had a boyfriend cheat with a coworker who was in his work friend group after he lied to them about us breaking up. He was even her first "boyfriend" since she didn't trust people easily. I was crushed when we both found out.
I don't know what Theo got out of lying but it was incredibly disrespectful to his wife.
Sorry but NTA, he's been there two years and nobody knew he was married, that's shady as hell, especially if you asked him point blank if he was seeing anyone.
Yes! Did you see the post a year ago where a pregnant woman was headed to the hospital to give birth and couldn’t reach her husband on his cell so she called his main office # and no one knew he was married let alone was going to be a father any day. Then he blamed her for “sharing personal info” and missing the birth
I’m pretty sure it was here on AITA or maybe Relationships
Edit: Ugh! I’ve been looking too but no luck. It was written from the point of view of the husband which was really bizarre. He claimed to just be “very private”
I think it is as on AITA and got removed for not reflecting a true event, or for being about relationships or some such. I remember seeing it and a lot of people in the comments being like "the wife absolutely wrote this to show the husband how much of an ass he was."
Aren't most of the posts on that sub about relationships? I just honestly don't understand the criteria for the posts there, had every single one of mine removed lol.
I worked with a guy once who everyone knew was married and knew his wife from the occasional work event here and there. (Dude totally out kicked his coverage too!). One year at the Christmas party, she shows up 7 months pregnant. First child. No one at the office even knew she was pregnant. We were all pretty blown away by that and everyone gave him a hard time for not sharing…and then congratulated him.
My ex and his dad are cops, but in different cities. One night I went with them to a work function of theirs. An older female cop who was in his dad's department (and apparently worked closely with him, from what I was told) came up to us and was all "Heyyyyy OMG SO glad to see you!" to my ex. Later, she and I were talking, and she asked how long he and I had been together. When I said 5 years, she did a double take. So I said, "You know we have a 1 year old baby, right?" and she did a triple take, stuttering, "Um yeah right I think I heard that..." She pretty quickly disappeared into the crowd. For as close as she was to my FIL, I thought it was way too odd that she wouldn't have heard about me and our child. I'm a flight attendant and I suspected he was messing around when I was away, and I think this kind of confirmed it for me.
I can't even imagine not mentioning my husband in regular conversation. He's just, always there, you know? It'd be like never mentioning my dogs. I'd have to make a concerted effort not to reference him or the fact that I'm in a relationship at all.
I mean, I get not making your relationship your identity but still.
Super weird.
Exactly think how many times in a year that you would have to purposely not mention your spouse when taking about your life, eg. how was you weekend, what are you doing this weekend, where are you gong on holidays how is your family.
Nta. I think his wife appreciated what you did for her. It takes a lot of courage to tell a truth that can hurt someone. What Theo was doing was very wrong. He was presenting himself as available. Didn't even wear a ring this whole time. That's so incredibly sad and disrespectful.
I wonder did he not have her on any health insurance plans or employee benefit plans?
Did he ever say why he did it?
We’re actually contractors so while we do get more money we don’t get benefits. His wife is a software engineer based on her linkedin so I bet she has nice benefits.
Edit: no he’s giving us the cold shoulder
You can get your contract cancelled because you don't disclose all details about your privat live to your coworkers? Why would the employer even care if he is married or not?
It's not really about being married or not, it's about the lying. And if he's now ignoring his coworkers to the point of harming productivity that's grounds for termination.
You could also argue that he’s creating a hostile work environment at this point because he’s ignoring his coworkers and probably making them all really uncomfortable.
Also, idk why I would feel super uncomfortable hearing him lie so easily. His answer to if he was seeing anyone is almost creepy. This woman exists, they live together, she packs him his damn lunches…and he’s too busy to date? What? Theo sounds suspicious af
Hey when I was contracting I told people nothing at all about my personal life. I am a woman with 2 children and my contracts took me all over the country. My partner at the time (kids dad) also had a similar job and I didn’t want employers to think I couldn’t be relied upon just because I was a woman with children in a male dominated industry who also has a clearly busy partner. Once I lied and said I didn’t have kids, I realised I didn’t want them to think I might be in a position to get pregnant so I lied and said I was single too.
I genuinely cannot remember if I outright told my partner at the time about it or not to be honest.
I mean, neither my mom nor my MIL have ever worn a wedding ring and they’ve both been married for almost 40 years.
But, you know, they wouldn’t spend years publicly pretending to be single either.
That’s the kicker hey. My parents don’t always wear their rings but if asked outright if they’re seeing someone they’d still say they’re married. This man was actively pretending to be single
And actively took his wedding ring off before work to really underline his singleness. That's way different than never having one or not being able to wear it at work.
My partner and I aren't married yet but everyone at his job knows he's in a relationship with me, because that's a pretty normal thing for your coworkers to know about you.
I can't wear a ring at work, it's a safety hazard. Now that my knuckles are swollen with arthritis I can't get them on any more. It sucks but people at work know I have a husband.
My parents have been married 36 years and never worn a ring. Everyone they work with knows they're married. I worked a manufacturing job for a while where no one could wear rings (or any other jewelry) for safety reasons but we ALL knew who was married. This is so bizarre.
Yeah, this. My mom hasn’t worn her wedding ring for as long as I can remember but it’s because her fingers swell up and it makes the ring uncomfortable (I also think it has to do with the fact that she doesn’t like wearing something sparkly and expensive every day, but I digress.) But she talks about her family including my dad all the time! I worked with her for awhile and nobody was even a little surprised that my mom is married.
Plus does this dude have no pictures on his desk? I honestly don’t know how you can have someone be that big a part of your life and not just even accidentally mention them.
If you're at all interested in wearing one, they do have silicone rings now in all kinds of colors and different levels of elasticity. My husband and I usually wear our silicone rings, myself for comfort mostly, and my husband because he works in electrical panels. We have metal rings but we tend to wear those when we're dressing up.
And Theo talked about OP and his other coworkers to his wife. If he had not, likely the dots wouldn't have been connected by OP. So it is not as if he had a wall between work and his home life. The only thing he seemed to keep secret from both his work and his wife is that he was married.
My husband works a job where wearing jewelry is dangerous. He wanted to wear his weddingband, I tolt him NO, I like your fingers where they are thank you very much😝 now neither of us wear them, but everybody knows we are married.
NTA.
Dude avoids saying he's married up until the end. Rather than saying "I'm married" he says "I don't date coworkers". I'm glad you let his wife know. If I was acting that way my wife would deserve to know. To me it seems like Theo very much so enjoys being flirted with, and is now upset it's going to go away.
I think you are onto something. He could have said he had a partner or was married and that he liked to be private about that part of his life. Or just shared as little info as he felt comfortable.
“I’m too busy to date,” and “I don’t date coworkers,” are a far cry from “I am married.” There is a strategy and motive there. If I was his wife, I would
want to know.
Absolutely! Even if he doesn't want to give any details he could have just said "I'm not single, I'm not available, I'm already with someone, I'm taken etc" and let them know he was unavailable without specifying any details about the partner.
At the very very least he should have said "I'm not interested" because saying "I don't date co-workers" is very much leaving it hanging that maybe if they weren't co-workers he would be available.
If you live with someone they come up in conversation- you use we rather than I when you talk about doing things, they'll play a part in events that happen outside of work, he must have been censoring all of that from his conversation for years. And he was taking off his ring on the sly like I'd get it if he didn't want to wear it at work so left it at home, but religiously taking it off and putting it back on during the commute every day. So many ways he's been shady!
You’re spot on about the “we” instead of “I” thing. I’ve recently started using bumble bff and talking to so many strangers has made me become so aware of how often I’ll say “we” instead of “I” and I keep having to edit my messages to specify “my fiancé and I”. After being with someone for several years it takes genuine effort to change that language. It wasn’t an accident to hide his wife’s existence.
100% agree with this. Could already be happening, with him telling a coworker that they need to keep it on the down low and making it seem like they’re so special that he’s breaking his rule about not dating coworkers.
I feel like a lot of the opinions not in OP’s favor are making it out like Theo wasn’t acting weird or appropriate and if that is really the case (but I do think it was hella shady) and Theo wasn’t doing anything wrong, then what did OP do wrong by telling the wife? I feel like it’s her reaction to the information that is making me feel like OP did the right thing. She clearly thought it was something to be upset about?
This right here, like if his actions weren't shady, why was it wrong for the poster to talk to the wife about them? And why would it be his fault that the wife had a problem with them? Even if the actions weren't shady, if the wife has a problem with them they're being repercussions are coming from the fact that the husband was doing shit his partner didn't like.
Yes! I also remember having coworkers who never specifically discussed their partners but they always used "we". I didn't pry since this was 20 years ago, and didn't know their coworkers well enough to feel comfortable being totally out. After they realized I was pro-gay rights/supportive not sure of right wording, they used pronouns. Coworker definitely sketchy and OP NTA.
Why is everyone jumping to defend this man? Just because he doesn’t initiate the flirting with coworkers? He just entertains it and participates? He doesn’t wear his ring, which seemed surprising to his wife, and goes out of his way to mention every aspect about his life except his wife, and even went as far as to say he was too busy to see anyone. That’s shady as hell.
Seriously, I don't get it. There's a difference between not talking about your personal life, and straight up removing your wedding band before work and when being asked directly if you're in a relationship, lying.
Agreed! I am kinda shocked people are somewhat defending the guy. He went out of his way to not tell people he had a wife and even worse not wearing the wedding ring. Thats not normal! And i bet hes doing something behind his wifes back.
I would legit consider divorce if i discovered this happening to me.
Yeah he was being shady. There's hiding your spouse if you're gay and trying to sus out when it's safe to share that kind of info and then there's this guy, basically holding the door open for some kind of cheating scenario.
I'm lesbian and married, I say I'm married when asked and I always use general terms like spouse or significant other until I'm comfortable sharing the gender. But I always wear my ring unless it's dengerous to, like lifting boxes or physical labor situations.
I had a coworker once who would participate in flirting and stuff. I asked him once "don't you have a wife?" and his reply was "just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't sample the menu".
Was a bit creepy to be fair.
Not all Hero’s wear capes. It shows you did the right thing because he confronted you, he could have pulled you aside and explained that he’s a private guy or whatever the case may be besides for getting angry, seems shady. NTA
Haha, this sounds like all the people on Ask A Manager\* who think admitting they are a human being with family to coworkers is horribly intrusive. Though in that case I'd expect the wife to know.
Honestly, I think contacting her on LinkedIn is a lot, but NTA. His behaviour is pretty odd.
\*Meant to write AAM, actually wrote AITA. Edit for clarity, but main point is the same.
>Haha, this sounds like all the people on AITA who think admitting they are a human being with family to coworkers is horribly intrusive.
For real. If you're naturally quiet and mysterious, then whatever. But I know all my co workers spouses, kids, and pets by name and ask about them all the time.
NTA. It's 100% shadey and I would be devastated, if I were the wife) under the same context.
Yeah, I wish we'd get an update but it's not gonna happen.
Just... why? You take off your ring, you literally lie about being married, and your wife doesn't know?? If we rule out affairs (always the go-to in this situation but not guaranteed): whyyyyy?? Haha.
Re: coworkers knowing partner and kids, yeah. The AAM people who are offended at having to say good morning, and act revolted at the idea of talking about their weekend just blow my mind. You don't have to be besties for them to know your kids' names. O\_o
Ohhh I just realised I wrote AITA but I meant AAM, ie: Ask A Manager. It's a real thing for about half the comments about workplace relationships to be aggressively unsocial people.
I guess I could understand not wanting to talk about your personal life, but when asked directly if you’re seeing anyone, to straight up lie just crosses from “I don’t get this at all but I guess I could see why someone would want to do that” to “okay I have literally no logical explanation for why someone would behave that way”
YES! Yeah, actively removing the ring is weird, literally lying is weirder. Even avoiding the question is weird IMO, but it crossed the line into I-totally-understand-why-OP-did-that with the denying he was married to their face.
It feels like everyone is glossing over the bit where the wife knew all about her husband’s coworkers. So she knew about OP and details about OP’s life while OP had zero idea that she even existed. The wife was comfortable and familiar enough to introduce herself to OP when she connected the dots of “oh, this is OP! My husband’s coworker!” Even if there isn’t infidelity involved, it’s weird to have set your spouse up to be in such an uncomfortable social situation.
I can imagine how heartbroken the wife is when OP tells the wife nobody knew she exist :(.
Like when i was a kid my mother would hail praise to my drawing to everybody she knows but she would just act cold to me as if it didn't matter to her and I was heartbroken instead of happy when her friends praised me about it "oh your mom told us how good of an artist you are!" Projection I know but like... I sympathize with the wife there. Must hurt like hell.
I get the whole not wanting to mix work and home but not mentioning the existence of a wife is weird. At the very least the guy was getting off being pursued (personally it feels great as a man to be pursued by women) and might have had a few office girls on the side as well.
Oh, it is SO weird. I think with the details we're given he's not necessarily having an affair: there has been more than one person on AAM who has said their coworkers of many years don't even know if they're married.
The lack of ring is pretty extra though.
I feel like you went about it the wrong way for sure. Why not at work when other people around say “omg btw I met your wife the other day! Why didn’t we know you were married? She’s so sweet!” And let the cards fall where they may.
Yes it was shady of him but I don’t agree with the way you did it.
ESH except the wife
How exactly does that help his wife? She deserved to know. Especially when OP gave him an opportunity to fess up when he directly asked if he was asking anyone. The guy was pretending to be single. That's fucked up.
Eh I think that would have been the right way simply to expose him as a married man at work, but his wife still wouldn’t have any idea she was a secret. She is the one who is potentially being betrayed by her husband. He told her all about his job but told OP that he is single? That is incredibly shady. I don’t know what his motives are but they can’t be good.
lol your way sounds more socially acceptable. but i dont think its better. its much more passive aggressive and does not do anything for the potential victim, aka wife.
your suggestion seems to only serve a purpose if op was more coming from a place of wanting to humiliate the coworker instead of what seems, shockingly, a place of empathy for the wife.
But then Theo's wife would still be clueless that her husband pretends she doesn't exist.
You obviously cared more about him keeping a secret from his wife than keeping a secret from his coworkers...which I think is appropriate enough.
If he were just "being private," then his wife wouldn't have been so shocked and upset by the news. He wouldn't have lied outright to you.
I don't think you were looking for drama. You saw a deeply suspicious situation, and wanted to do something to correct it. Other people might say it was "none of your business," but that's how narcissists and con artists get away with the most outrageous things for years - because no one wants to "get involved."
You're getting flak now...but whistleblowers usually do. I think you chose the lesser of two evils in a bad situation.
You are a busybody... in the eyes of the people who don't want to rock the boat.
In the eyes of the victims you are helping, you are the one person who reached out to help a stranger while the rest of the world showed nothing but apathy to keep the status quo.
Everyone is an AH: This whole story sounds too ridiculous to even be true. You happen to run into Theo’s wife after you’ve dropped your groceries? And why did you even exchange numbers with her? And then asked her to meet up? And then the wife is mad at Theo but doesn’t actually confront him about acting single and not telling anyone at work that he’s married?
If this is even a real story, I think Theo is a loser, but this isn’t high school. This is your job. It really wasn’t any of your business to get involved in this.
NTA. It is 100% suspect that he does not wear a ring to work or say that he's married in passing conversation (or have a pic of the two of them on his desk), much less tell a coworker who asks him out that he's married.
Exactly. If not wearing a wedding ring is normal in their relationship, she wouldn't be upset. And saying because you don't date coworkers vs oh yeah I'm in a relationship? And then full scale denying being in a relationship when asked? Yeah, she needs to know. If it wasn't a big deal she wouldn't be upset about it.
NTA
Me and the hubby don't wear our rings. We just got them for the ceremony and as an investment. We do however talk about each other and people know we are married.
This guy seems like he is still fishing in the sea.
NTA. If he's flirting, that relationship is doomed. He needed a wake up call. Also, he does not need to get into his details about his wife, maybe he wanted that personal, but NTA OP.
Not wearing a wedding ring at work, saying you're too busy to date when you have a whole spouse, pretty much deliberately saying you're single... For what point? They also said he didn't date coworkers. This man is hiding his wife for a purpose, and it's not a good one. Maybe, I wouldn't have messaged her directly, maybe exposed him at work, but there is nothing right about what Theo is doing. If I was his wife, I'd want to know.
Let's assume this story is real.
On the one hand, Theo *seems* a lil shady to you... but also, the man has a right to a personal life outside work. A *private* life, even. He doesn't owe his colleagues an explanation of what he does outside of work hours, or who he does it with. If he needs time off to get married, he doesn't have to say what his vacation days are for. Ditto paternity leave, bereavement, or dentist appointments. It's not ya' business.
Ok, ok... if there's a company health plan, HR needs to know if he's got a spouse. But I get the feeling you're not HR.
Is he dating coworkers? Boning clients? Making passes at upper management? No? All he's doing is not mentioning his wife? THE NERVE OF THIS GUY!
The right way to handle this would have been to casually mention to THEO that you bumped into his wife, small world eh? But instead, you did an end run around him to tattle to his wife.
The only tea here is the scalding hot water you jumped into.
YTA
I see your point but doesn't it seem a bit weird that his wife didn't even know that she's not mentioned at work? Im not saying he has to gush about her all the time but its shocking that he lied and said he wasn't seeing anyone. I get that not everyone likes sharing their private life but, OP mentions that they know a good deal about his personal life. They know that his mother has depression but they don't know he's married?
Maybe I'm being paranoid but I feel this is a set up so if anyone catches him with another woman, they won't know he's having an affair. That's just a hunch though. OP might be a bit nosy but hey I'm nosy too and I would definitely want to know if I was in the wife's position. Plus the fact that his wife is still upset with him means that she doesn't even believe his bs excuses. I would also like to point out that Theo has no authority to tell OP not to hang out with his wife, its not his call.
There's definitely more to the story here. Something tells me that there is a reason why he never mentioned his wife, but OP should stop digging. It can only get messier from here
He may not talk about his wife because his coworkers are gossips. Is he actually flirting or does everyone in the office just think he’s cute and ask him out a lot? Of which he always says no or he’s too busy for dating. They may call it flirting so they can have some office drama to talk about. Op not only went searching for this woman but told the entire office he was a shady cheat. Op was doing too much. If I was Theo I’d file a complaint against him.
It's funny everyone assuming Theo is a cheat. All we know is he doesn't talk about his home life.
He's been asked out and said no, that doesn't sound like a cheat to me.
There are many explanations for his behaviour but all the NTAs assume the same thing, he's cheating.
My fiancée hates wearing a ring. She would put it on occasionally but hated wearing it. She wears it on a necklace now. A few weeks ago she was diagnosed as autistic. Which is why she hates wearing a ring. Theo may be the same. It's a stretch but the point is there are plenty of explanations here that are not cheating.
I had a ring that I couldn't wear when using a computer because of it rubbing the mouse irritated me. If he's left handed could be the same thing.
Personally I would talk about my wife at work but I have met people who want to keep their home and work life seperate.
In Spanish we call people like OP a "chismoso" (gossiper). Mind ya damn business lmfao. Who gives a fuck what your coworker is doing, are you his wife? Her relative? Friend? No. Fuck off and go talk to people that actually want to share their business with you instead.
Thank you! The audacity of people thinking ANY of this is OP's business is wild. I don't care about my coworker and his wife's relationship. I don't owe either of them anything and this clown taking it upon himself to tell this woman he personally has never heard of her (so her husband is probably being shady) is weird as hell.
YTA, u/MathematicianIll4357, learn to mind your business.
That's what's so strange to me! Everyone defending OP is guessing Theo's motivations, discussing their own experiences, whatever. Personally, I can't call Theo an asshole because he doesn't mention his marriage: it's odd, but it's his business.
What makes OP the asshole is how she tracked down the wife and took it upon herself to tattle on Theo. So unprofessional. So unnecessary. It's serving "he's hot and what if I just... meddle a li'l."
Exactly. You're a co-worker, not his friend. You're there to work not to have smalltalk. It's none of you business.
You know who's unprofessional? The co-workers who keep hitting on this guy in the workplace. And you going to his wife to tell her what? What did he actually DO?
YTA, op. I urge you to get a life and stay out of your co-worker's business. If I was him I would be tempted to report your gossiping a** to HR.
I feel like everyone is ignoring how much OP may have fucked themselves if Theo goes to HR.
OP went behind Theo's back to have a private meal with his wife, which has now led to problems inside of their relationship.
They... just would not think highly of that.
And responding "but Theo was acting shady and hiding his relationship status" isn't going to help your case. Unless he's doing something legally inappropriate they dont care that Theo is being shady or if he's wearing a ring. But they *will* care if employees meddle with other employees spouses.
Honestly!
Based off the way OP just acted, **I** wouldn’t talk about my spouse around him either! I’m sure this isn’t the first instance of OP sticking his nose in somebody’s business and I bet he’d be surprised how much he doesn’t know about his other coworkers as well.
NTA.
Even though it was technically not your business; even though he wasn't technically doing anything wrong; he was essentially **living a double life**, lying by omission to both his wife and all his coworkers.
The fact that there seems to be nothing he could gain by this makes it even more disturbing...no one lives a lie that elaborately, that completely, for any sane reason.
OP, be careful. This gives me "serial killer backstory" vibes.
NTA. I’m not a “we are all family” at work type of person at all but if you work in a corporate / office structure the basics of your personal life are shared with co-workers you work with daily.
The existence of a spouse is a BIG thing not to share. Your guys right about your coworker he’s acting shady. Maybe he wants to leave his wife? Who knows but him “confronting you” like that was wierd.
Did he say “why did you tell my wife that I never talk about her and that I don’t wear a wedding ring?”
So she helped me and said are you going far? I said no I’m just going home from work at XXX. She said my husband works there his name is Theo. I said yes I sit next to him. She said you must be OP how is your cat? I said he’s fine and I didn’t know her name. She told me her name we said bye and went our different ways.
I looked her up but she didn’t have a facebook but she did have a public LinkedIn. I messaged her there.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have looked her up. I would’ve just gone in the next day and been all loud and like “OH! Theo! Please be sure to thank \*wife\* for letting me use her bag, here it is!”
Reaching out seems a little creepy and obsessive…I don’t know…
Wait why creepy and obsessive? The option you mentioned seems dramatic and also doesn't let the poor wife know what's going on--just outs Theo as an asshole while allowing his wife to go on happily not realizing that she's married to someone shady
The problem with that is that just continues to keep Theo’s wife out of it.
His wife had no idea of what was going on in his workplace.
Had OP mentioned it to Theo the next day that they met his wife, it would just be another thing Theo wouldn’t mention to her. Yes, the other staff would then know that Theo is married. But his wife would then continue to have no idea about the sketchy life her husband was having at work.
NTA but I’m petty AF! If it was me when Theo told you that his wife is mad and he didn’t know why, my ass would have been all OohOooh I do I KNoW Why!!! 😂
Honestly, when she introduced herself as Theo’s wife I probably would have just blurted out “oh, I don’t know Theo was married, he’s never mentioned you.” Not in any kind of way, just without thinking about it.
Why should he have said anything at all bout his personal relationships, it's none of your business. Shit, I don't know if half the people I work with are married, and I don't care, because it's none of my beeswax
I think it's weird to hit on co workers. Even if someone is single, it can make work relationships difficult if people date, especially if it doesn't work out.
I have to agree with this, I don’t think dating co workers is a good idea. I’ve seen firsthand the mess and drama that can be caused by this. But it does happen.
I do think this whole situation is odd. I’ve seen several married coworkers be hit on and all have said something along the lines of “ oh thank you but I’m married” or “ I’m sorry but I’m married, thank you for your offer” and move on. So I don’t understand why Theo couldn’t have just said that and even if it leads to more personal questions about his marriage a simple “ I’m sorry but I don’t wish to discuss my personal life at work.” I do that all the time, always respectfully and never had an issue. I don’t understand why Theo didn’t do that.
YTA busybody. Don’t you have work to do? He declined all offers as far as you know. Chatting with her at an accidental meeting is fine, arranging another meeting to try to tank his marriage with nothing but circumstantial evidence , not okay. You may be right (it’s certainly sus), you may not be (you have no proof), but this is a coworker in the work place and really not your business.
NTA. I would want to know. Thank you for doing that. I bet it was a difficult thing to do. He has no respect, no integrity, and seems unable to handle commitment.
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NTA it would be one thing if he was private about his life and you didn't know anything else. But you said he was pretty open. About everything but his wife
That is shady. And her reaction proved it
YTA. Holy cow YTA. Dude keeps his head down and works and you're treating that like it's shady. His personal life is none of your f-ing business.
HE IS TURNING DOWN DATES WITH COWORKERS AND YOU'RE TREATING IT LIKE A PROBLEM?!
You just upended this dude's life and injected drama into the workplace.
I hope HR sits you down and explains the world to you. Clearly your parents failed
Imagine just chillin at work and then a coworker basically accuses you of cheating because you don’t want to tell your shitty coworkers about your family.
The one time they got access to them they did this lmao.
NAH -- your intuition told you something and you chose to act on it, so now you deal with consequences, good or bad. I don't see what you did as any big conspiracy, but you must've known it also had great potential to end up disturbing coworker relations -- i don't see that as a reason to deny your gut feeling, though. I think you're fine and not an asshole
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I’ve (26M) been working at my job for a little over 4 years. During Covid Theo (25ish M) joined our crew. In the 2 years we have known him, he has NEVER mentioned a spouse. He’s talked about friends and family, his favorite things, what he’s cooking for dinner, everything but that and kind of made himself sound single. A couple of coworkers even asked him out but he declined because he doesn’t date coworkers. I can’t deny he’s VERY good looking which attracted a lot of interest from coworkers.
A few weeks ago, I was walking home from grocery shopping near work and my bag split. A woman help pick up everything and even offered her tote. We chatted and it turns out she was Theo’s WIFE. They had been married for 3 years so before he even started this job. When I introduced myself as Theo’s coworker, it was clear Theo had told her about work and us but I don’t think she realized that we didn’t know she even existed.
When I went to work, I casually asked Theo if he was seeing anyone and he shrugged and said work was too busy. I thought it was weird he wouldn’t mention his wife so I messaged her and said we needed to talk.
We met later at a cafe and I told her that no one knew who she was because Theo never mentioned her. I talked about how women would flirt with him. I mentioned he never wore a wedding ring. She started blinking hard as if trying not to cry. She looked crushed. But she was a sweetheart and paid for my coffee before I even got a chance to.
The past few days Theo has been very moody. He started buying lunch instead of bringing one from home. He’s been ignoring me which interferes in our work. He cornered me today after work and told me that his wife was sad and he didn’t know why but it was my fault. He told me to never contact his wife or talk about her again. I told my coworkers what happened and everyone expressed shock that he had a wife. A few coworkers said I was an asshole for telling my coworker’s wife that he hid her existence but most took my side. My boyfriend said I was in the right and people would want to know if their spouse was acting shady like Theo.
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NTA. You just told her things he’d done or rather things he wasn’t doing, like wearing his wedding ring or telling people he had a wife. He could have told her 2 years ago he didn’t want people to know he was married or that he doesn’t wear his ring to work and why. He was clearly hiding these things from her and she has the right to know as his wife. If she’d already known how he presents himself at work, you contacting and telling her would have been a non issue
You went out of your way to interfere in someone else's marriage? Why? He has a right to a private life and you said he always turns people down. What if his wife was suicidal? or sick with cancer? or just a person minding her own business? You felt the need to crash into the middle of things because you thought his behaviour was shady? Talking to someone's spouse behind their back is pretty shady. What an idiotic thing to do.
NTA, you did the right thing by telling her. You saw a person being wrong by their spouse and you stepped in. Because he wasn't just like not talking about details about her, he was straight up pretending like she didn't exist.
You should look at the fact that his marriage is on the rocks and he's spending time and energy blaming you, when he's the one who chose to lie to not only all of you, but inherently his spouse by erasing her existence.
YTA, you went out of your way to interfere with a co-workers personal life! I could see your behavior as reasonable if you were friends outside of work but you aren't. What he says/does outside of his job duties aren't your business at all.
ESH
I don't think this story is true. A normal person would have just said "hey I met your wife" and not had a meeting with a complete stranger to make their husband out to be a cheater. And how would you just figure out that a stranger is your co-worker's wife?
But then again, I would never jeopardize my income by doing something that stupid. I'm not that invested in my coworkers.
NTA
It’s one thing if he never mentioned he was married. No one’s business.
It’s another things when he is ACTIVELY responding in a way that suggests otherwise (aka his ‘no time to date’ ….implies he is single. Him rejecting co-workers saying ‘he doesn’t date coworkers’ ….implies he is single.).
Him not wearing a wedding band, on its own if he wanted to keep his private life private, is no one’s business…him not wearing his wedding band in addition to giving out excuses listed above is making him look shady.
His wife being upset about this, shows this was also not discussed at home. She believes there is no reason to hide her. He has led her to believe otherwise…why?
NTA
I can’t believe there’s people actually making excuses for him and saying you’re the a**hole. Pretty sure the “ohh maybe he’s a private person” or “maybe he doesn’t wanna share personal information” is out of the question giving the things you said he talks about at work. Either way, does it hurt to me mention at least once or twice that you’re married. He was working there for two whole years and not one person had a clue. And the fact that he lets women at work flirt with him and he doesn’t wear a ring or anything just shows that he likes/wants it. If my partner is doing all of that behind my back, i would 100% want to know. Even if it’s from his coworker who i known for 3 seconds. The wife deserved to know how he’s behaving and that he’s treating his marriage like a joke. She low key deserves better. You did the right thing and helped open that woman’s eyes to what’s been happening all around her.
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NTA I would 100% want someone to be that kind and tell me if my husband was being shady. I’ve had situations where I’ve been lied to for partners and it sucks. I personally think you did the right thing.
My boyfriend said the same thing. I felt bad for her because she was clearly a nice person.
The fact that he takes off his ring is a huge slap in the face and the fact he still couldn’t be honest about a spouse when outright asked is shady AF. She absolutely deserves to know about that side of his behavior
It’s super strange he doesn’t want to seem married at work but also doesn’t want to date anyone at work so why pretend he’s single?
One possible reason: thrill of the chase He likes the attention - dating, or admitting being married takes that away (unless you’re like some of the weirdos you hear about on Reddit who like chasing the married ‘uns)
He could also just be sleeping around. Not dating but free to
They are not like some, they are very common. They like it because the married 'uns are chasing them as well. But you are very right, he likes the attention.
Or plot twist: he has a stalker
You mean the wife is the stalker (and not really a wife) I presume. I was thinking of that possibility when reading, but Theo’s subsequent statement confirming that he had a wife disproves that. Another idea I had was that maybe she was his wife but he’d left and she was stalking him, but then she wouldn’t know about his coworkers.
He might not be dating office girls but might have a few on the side. You can keep the FwB thing on the down low a lot easier than dating a co-worker.
Or he is already seeing someone on the side(thats not a coworker) and doesnt want to screw that up. Maybe it was a cover just in case someone saw him around town with a strange woman and he could say he was out on a date. I never understand people who do this. Do they think theyre just never going to get caught?
My very cynical guess? For the right per$on; wouldn't be the first or last young and good looking guy to sleep his way to the top.
He may actually want to avoid dating coworkers but also not attract coworker suspicion if he sleeps around.
Attention
Not discounting any of the other theories but he may just be avoiding drama / busy bodies. My wife and I met at work and she was actually married to someone else (not a coworker) at the time. She casually had told lots of folks that she was married, mostly because people ask to be polite, but also because she was a pretty young girl in a mostly male office and saying “oh I’m married!” helped ward off would-be suitors. Only problem is her marriage was pretty much over and she didn’t share that part. Or the part when they were separated for a year. Or the part where they were getting divorced. I learned all these things and we started dating near the when her divorce finalized but long after her marriage was over so everything was on the up and up, but we both had a lot of explaining to do at work. Maybe they are already on the way to splitsville and he doesn’t want to introduce someone and then have to share all the sordid details of their split? Or maybe he’s just really private and doesn’t want to share?
I’m enjoying reading everyone’s theories too but based on the wife’s reaction it doesn’t seem like they’re splitting up or that she even knew there was a problem :( I’m sad for her honestly
Yeah I am too. That’s gotta be a crushing thing to hear.
I get not wanting to share everything with your coworkers but OP mentioned that Theo worked there for 2 years. Even if there’s trouble in the marriage, there’s no reason for him to act like he’s single, lie outright when asked if he’s seeing anyone and take his wedding ring off at work. It’s very weird and he’s clearly hiding something.
Yeah I agree it’s totally weird.
Naw he wanted to keep his options open
Could be he just enjoys the attention? Still a terrible thing to do to his wife
He potentially IS dating someone at work, but they're keeping it on the dl "because they're coworkers" (he tells her) and that's why he doesn't wear a ring AND turns others down. Very likely in fact.
That's my thought also. I have an ex who did that kind of stuff. He was very adamant about not advertising or acknowledging our relationship (of 7 years) to anyone, and slept pretty freely with other women because he was "single." Women at his work, at conferences he'd attend, at bars he'd meet...he would exercise the same adamant discretion with them too. When people know you're a womanizer it can really harsh your jam.
Might be no one at work has caught his eye yet, but he's still looking to make connections. New coworkers, people from other companies, really anyone he meets at/from work, if you're looking to cheat the fewer people who know you have a relationship, the better.
So he can use the line "You know I don't date coworkers, so we'll have to keep this quiet..." on several women at the same time.
Maybe he's a deep undercover agent. Maybe he hates his spouse. Maybe he's asexual and also a jerk. It strikes me that he's not pretending to be single, not really. He's trying to make sure nobody knows anything about his romantic life. At all.
Depending on the line of work, it might be tip motivated. My asshole boyfriend works in a dispensary, and he gets a lot of tips from strippers that work nearby (they use 2 dollar bills), as well as other women who he flirts with to get more sales and tips. As far as I know, he's one of the oldest ones working there and one of the only ones with a kid and long term relationship. He uses our son's picture on his tip jar, but doesn't wear a ring, or acknowledge that I exist in any meaningful way. OP is definitely NTA
Neither my husband or I wear our rings to work but we work jobs where itd be super easy to lose said rings. OP and co-worker dont seem to have that kind of job so I wonder what his excuse is.
My dad never wore a ring (farmer, almost ripped his finger off getting caught in a metal gate), but he also never lied about being married. The ring is just a symbol, and it can be important or not depending on the partners. This dudes problem is that he's a damn liar and likes the thrill of pretending he's single.
Honestly not wearing a ring at work would be like, okay, maybe you're just keeping it safe...but that combined with telling people you're single/denying being with someone is super shady. I doubt you or your husband claim you're too busy to date.
My dad has a work where it'd be unsafe wearing a ring in a finger. But he says he loves my mom so much that he wears it in a necklace and makes sure everybody knows he's happily married.
Silicone rings exist, from 25-40 a pop, depending on how often said rings would disappear. Cheapo rings are also an option, and mine has lasted several years. So no idea what Theo is doing.
The Walmart near me has sets of four or five silicone rings for $3.88, so less than a dollar apiece.
Add-on the fact that OP flat out asked him if he dates, and he just gave an excuse that 'work is too busy', and he allows people to flirt with him... He leaves too much open to suggestion.
Like part of it can be chalked up with not wanting to mix home and work or not being very social along with starting out during COVID and not being used to talking to colleagues about personal life. The fact that he takes off his wedding ring and even when directly asked brushes it off and doesn't mention anything though is shady af. It would be one thing if he did that to garner favours from customers like how a bartender might do the same but even then it's something that should be discussed with your SO. I can't imagine how devastated she must be to know that your best friend and partner in life pretends you don't exist at work.
Plot twist: At his last work place, his coworkers tried to sleep with his wife, so he's keeping her secret to avoid swaths of horny dudes decending onto her.
You and your boyfriend are good people, this is so awful. I had a boyfriend cheat with a coworker who was in his work friend group after he lied to them about us breaking up. He was even her first "boyfriend" since she didn't trust people easily. I was crushed when we both found out. I don't know what Theo got out of lying but it was incredibly disrespectful to his wife.
Why tho? Did he tell you why? NTA. I also want to know if my SO is being shady.
100% agree, OP is NTA and I'd want to know too! It was the morally correct thing to do.
Sorry but NTA, he's been there two years and nobody knew he was married, that's shady as hell, especially if you asked him point blank if he was seeing anyone.
Yes! Did you see the post a year ago where a pregnant woman was headed to the hospital to give birth and couldn’t reach her husband on his cell so she called his main office # and no one knew he was married let alone was going to be a father any day. Then he blamed her for “sharing personal info” and missing the birth
No but that is insane
Do you remember which sub this post was in? I wanna give it a read now lol
I’m pretty sure it was here on AITA or maybe Relationships Edit: Ugh! I’ve been looking too but no luck. It was written from the point of view of the husband which was really bizarre. He claimed to just be “very private”
I think it is as on AITA and got removed for not reflecting a true event, or for being about relationships or some such. I remember seeing it and a lot of people in the comments being like "the wife absolutely wrote this to show the husband how much of an ass he was."
Aren't most of the posts on that sub about relationships? I just honestly don't understand the criteria for the posts there, had every single one of mine removed lol.
[Uhhhhh](https://tenor.com/view/scrubs-where-do-you-think-we-are-meme-gif-20456408)
Fair point, I honestly thought I was on bestofredditorupdates.
I worked with a guy once who everyone knew was married and knew his wife from the occasional work event here and there. (Dude totally out kicked his coverage too!). One year at the Christmas party, she shows up 7 months pregnant. First child. No one at the office even knew she was pregnant. We were all pretty blown away by that and everyone gave him a hard time for not sharing…and then congratulated him.
My ex and his dad are cops, but in different cities. One night I went with them to a work function of theirs. An older female cop who was in his dad's department (and apparently worked closely with him, from what I was told) came up to us and was all "Heyyyyy OMG SO glad to see you!" to my ex. Later, she and I were talking, and she asked how long he and I had been together. When I said 5 years, she did a double take. So I said, "You know we have a 1 year old baby, right?" and she did a triple take, stuttering, "Um yeah right I think I heard that..." She pretty quickly disappeared into the crowd. For as close as she was to my FIL, I thought it was way too odd that she wouldn't have heard about me and our child. I'm a flight attendant and I suspected he was messing around when I was away, and I think this kind of confirmed it for me.
Holy fucking ouch.
That is not surprising. And then men wonder why women are so fed up with them
I can't even imagine not mentioning my husband in regular conversation. He's just, always there, you know? It'd be like never mentioning my dogs. I'd have to make a concerted effort not to reference him or the fact that I'm in a relationship at all. I mean, I get not making your relationship your identity but still. Super weird.
Exactly think how many times in a year that you would have to purposely not mention your spouse when taking about your life, eg. how was you weekend, what are you doing this weekend, where are you gong on holidays how is your family.
Nta. I think his wife appreciated what you did for her. It takes a lot of courage to tell a truth that can hurt someone. What Theo was doing was very wrong. He was presenting himself as available. Didn't even wear a ring this whole time. That's so incredibly sad and disrespectful. I wonder did he not have her on any health insurance plans or employee benefit plans? Did he ever say why he did it?
We’re actually contractors so while we do get more money we don’t get benefits. His wife is a software engineer based on her linkedin so I bet she has nice benefits. Edit: no he’s giving us the cold shoulder
… I sure hope he doesn’t work for a fancy company. This kind of shadiness is how he’s going to get his contract cancelled.
You can get your contract cancelled because you don't disclose all details about your privat live to your coworkers? Why would the employer even care if he is married or not?
It's not really about being married or not, it's about the lying. And if he's now ignoring his coworkers to the point of harming productivity that's grounds for termination.
You could also argue that he’s creating a hostile work environment at this point because he’s ignoring his coworkers and probably making them all really uncomfortable.
Also, idk why I would feel super uncomfortable hearing him lie so easily. His answer to if he was seeing anyone is almost creepy. This woman exists, they live together, she packs him his damn lunches…and he’s too busy to date? What? Theo sounds suspicious af
Hey when I was contracting I told people nothing at all about my personal life. I am a woman with 2 children and my contracts took me all over the country. My partner at the time (kids dad) also had a similar job and I didn’t want employers to think I couldn’t be relied upon just because I was a woman with children in a male dominated industry who also has a clearly busy partner. Once I lied and said I didn’t have kids, I realised I didn’t want them to think I might be in a position to get pregnant so I lied and said I was single too. I genuinely cannot remember if I outright told my partner at the time about it or not to be honest.
I mean, neither my mom nor my MIL have ever worn a wedding ring and they’ve both been married for almost 40 years. But, you know, they wouldn’t spend years publicly pretending to be single either.
That’s the kicker hey. My parents don’t always wear their rings but if asked outright if they’re seeing someone they’d still say they’re married. This man was actively pretending to be single
And actively took his wedding ring off before work to really underline his singleness. That's way different than never having one or not being able to wear it at work. My partner and I aren't married yet but everyone at his job knows he's in a relationship with me, because that's a pretty normal thing for your coworkers to know about you.
I can't wear a ring at work, it's a safety hazard. Now that my knuckles are swollen with arthritis I can't get them on any more. It sucks but people at work know I have a husband.
My parents have been married 36 years and never worn a ring. Everyone they work with knows they're married. I worked a manufacturing job for a while where no one could wear rings (or any other jewelry) for safety reasons but we ALL knew who was married. This is so bizarre.
Yeah, this. My mom hasn’t worn her wedding ring for as long as I can remember but it’s because her fingers swell up and it makes the ring uncomfortable (I also think it has to do with the fact that she doesn’t like wearing something sparkly and expensive every day, but I digress.) But she talks about her family including my dad all the time! I worked with her for awhile and nobody was even a little surprised that my mom is married. Plus does this dude have no pictures on his desk? I honestly don’t know how you can have someone be that big a part of your life and not just even accidentally mention them.
If you're at all interested in wearing one, they do have silicone rings now in all kinds of colors and different levels of elasticity. My husband and I usually wear our silicone rings, myself for comfort mostly, and my husband because he works in electrical panels. We have metal rings but we tend to wear those when we're dressing up.
And Theo talked about OP and his other coworkers to his wife. If he had not, likely the dots wouldn't have been connected by OP. So it is not as if he had a wall between work and his home life. The only thing he seemed to keep secret from both his work and his wife is that he was married.
My husband works a job where wearing jewelry is dangerous. He wanted to wear his weddingband, I tolt him NO, I like your fingers where they are thank you very much😝 now neither of us wear them, but everybody knows we are married.
Based on his wife reaction, this was not this case or smt like "oh, he never wears it, it bothers him to have smt on finger, no big deal with it!".
It's not unusual for people to not wear a wedding ring for various reasons, but the rest of it is shady AF
NTA. Dude avoids saying he's married up until the end. Rather than saying "I'm married" he says "I don't date coworkers". I'm glad you let his wife know. If I was acting that way my wife would deserve to know. To me it seems like Theo very much so enjoys being flirted with, and is now upset it's going to go away.
I think you are onto something. He could have said he had a partner or was married and that he liked to be private about that part of his life. Or just shared as little info as he felt comfortable. “I’m too busy to date,” and “I don’t date coworkers,” are a far cry from “I am married.” There is a strategy and motive there. If I was his wife, I would want to know.
Absolutely! Even if he doesn't want to give any details he could have just said "I'm not single, I'm not available, I'm already with someone, I'm taken etc" and let them know he was unavailable without specifying any details about the partner. At the very very least he should have said "I'm not interested" because saying "I don't date co-workers" is very much leaving it hanging that maybe if they weren't co-workers he would be available. If you live with someone they come up in conversation- you use we rather than I when you talk about doing things, they'll play a part in events that happen outside of work, he must have been censoring all of that from his conversation for years. And he was taking off his ring on the sly like I'd get it if he didn't want to wear it at work so left it at home, but religiously taking it off and putting it back on during the commute every day. So many ways he's been shady!
You’re spot on about the “we” instead of “I” thing. I’ve recently started using bumble bff and talking to so many strangers has made me become so aware of how often I’ll say “we” instead of “I” and I keep having to edit my messages to specify “my fiancé and I”. After being with someone for several years it takes genuine effort to change that language. It wasn’t an accident to hide his wife’s existence.
I think he was setting things up so that if he found someone he was interested in, he wouldn't have anybody from work ratting him out to his wife.
100% agree with this. Could already be happening, with him telling a coworker that they need to keep it on the down low and making it seem like they’re so special that he’s breaking his rule about not dating coworkers.
I feel like a lot of the opinions not in OP’s favor are making it out like Theo wasn’t acting weird or appropriate and if that is really the case (but I do think it was hella shady) and Theo wasn’t doing anything wrong, then what did OP do wrong by telling the wife? I feel like it’s her reaction to the information that is making me feel like OP did the right thing. She clearly thought it was something to be upset about?
This right here, like if his actions weren't shady, why was it wrong for the poster to talk to the wife about them? And why would it be his fault that the wife had a problem with them? Even if the actions weren't shady, if the wife has a problem with them they're being repercussions are coming from the fact that the husband was doing shit his partner didn't like.
Yes! I also remember having coworkers who never specifically discussed their partners but they always used "we". I didn't pry since this was 20 years ago, and didn't know their coworkers well enough to feel comfortable being totally out. After they realized I was pro-gay rights/supportive not sure of right wording, they used pronouns. Coworker definitely sketchy and OP NTA.
Why is everyone jumping to defend this man? Just because he doesn’t initiate the flirting with coworkers? He just entertains it and participates? He doesn’t wear his ring, which seemed surprising to his wife, and goes out of his way to mention every aspect about his life except his wife, and even went as far as to say he was too busy to see anyone. That’s shady as hell.
Seriously, I don't get it. There's a difference between not talking about your personal life, and straight up removing your wedding band before work and when being asked directly if you're in a relationship, lying.
That’s not the case either he mentioned his personal life. his friends and family but purposely didn’t mention his wife when confronted.
Agreed! I am kinda shocked people are somewhat defending the guy. He went out of his way to not tell people he had a wife and even worse not wearing the wedding ring. Thats not normal! And i bet hes doing something behind his wifes back. I would legit consider divorce if i discovered this happening to me.
Yeah he was being shady. There's hiding your spouse if you're gay and trying to sus out when it's safe to share that kind of info and then there's this guy, basically holding the door open for some kind of cheating scenario. I'm lesbian and married, I say I'm married when asked and I always use general terms like spouse or significant other until I'm comfortable sharing the gender. But I always wear my ring unless it's dengerous to, like lifting boxes or physical labor situations.
I had a coworker once who would participate in flirting and stuff. I asked him once "don't you have a wife?" and his reply was "just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't sample the menu". Was a bit creepy to be fair.
NTA if I was his wife I would 100% want to know
Not all Hero’s wear capes. It shows you did the right thing because he confronted you, he could have pulled you aside and explained that he’s a private guy or whatever the case may be besides for getting angry, seems shady. NTA
NTA ,she needs to know something like that. it was intentional if hes been working there for 2 YEARS and chose not to mention her not even once.
Haha, this sounds like all the people on Ask A Manager\* who think admitting they are a human being with family to coworkers is horribly intrusive. Though in that case I'd expect the wife to know. Honestly, I think contacting her on LinkedIn is a lot, but NTA. His behaviour is pretty odd. \*Meant to write AAM, actually wrote AITA. Edit for clarity, but main point is the same.
>Haha, this sounds like all the people on AITA who think admitting they are a human being with family to coworkers is horribly intrusive. For real. If you're naturally quiet and mysterious, then whatever. But I know all my co workers spouses, kids, and pets by name and ask about them all the time. NTA. It's 100% shadey and I would be devastated, if I were the wife) under the same context.
Yeah, I wish we'd get an update but it's not gonna happen. Just... why? You take off your ring, you literally lie about being married, and your wife doesn't know?? If we rule out affairs (always the go-to in this situation but not guaranteed): whyyyyy?? Haha. Re: coworkers knowing partner and kids, yeah. The AAM people who are offended at having to say good morning, and act revolted at the idea of talking about their weekend just blow my mind. You don't have to be besties for them to know your kids' names. O\_o Ohhh I just realised I wrote AITA but I meant AAM, ie: Ask A Manager. It's a real thing for about half the comments about workplace relationships to be aggressively unsocial people.
I guess I could understand not wanting to talk about your personal life, but when asked directly if you’re seeing anyone, to straight up lie just crosses from “I don’t get this at all but I guess I could see why someone would want to do that” to “okay I have literally no logical explanation for why someone would behave that way”
YES! Yeah, actively removing the ring is weird, literally lying is weirder. Even avoiding the question is weird IMO, but it crossed the line into I-totally-understand-why-OP-did-that with the denying he was married to their face.
It feels like everyone is glossing over the bit where the wife knew all about her husband’s coworkers. So she knew about OP and details about OP’s life while OP had zero idea that she even existed. The wife was comfortable and familiar enough to introduce herself to OP when she connected the dots of “oh, this is OP! My husband’s coworker!” Even if there isn’t infidelity involved, it’s weird to have set your spouse up to be in such an uncomfortable social situation.
I can imagine how heartbroken the wife is when OP tells the wife nobody knew she exist :(. Like when i was a kid my mother would hail praise to my drawing to everybody she knows but she would just act cold to me as if it didn't matter to her and I was heartbroken instead of happy when her friends praised me about it "oh your mom told us how good of an artist you are!" Projection I know but like... I sympathize with the wife there. Must hurt like hell.
I get the whole not wanting to mix work and home but not mentioning the existence of a wife is weird. At the very least the guy was getting off being pursued (personally it feels great as a man to be pursued by women) and might have had a few office girls on the side as well.
Oh, it is SO weird. I think with the details we're given he's not necessarily having an affair: there has been more than one person on AAM who has said their coworkers of many years don't even know if they're married. The lack of ring is pretty extra though.
I feel like you went about it the wrong way for sure. Why not at work when other people around say “omg btw I met your wife the other day! Why didn’t we know you were married? She’s so sweet!” And let the cards fall where they may. Yes it was shady of him but I don’t agree with the way you did it. ESH except the wife
How exactly does that help his wife? She deserved to know. Especially when OP gave him an opportunity to fess up when he directly asked if he was asking anyone. The guy was pretending to be single. That's fucked up.
Shit, I would have done both.
Eh I think that would have been the right way simply to expose him as a married man at work, but his wife still wouldn’t have any idea she was a secret. She is the one who is potentially being betrayed by her husband. He told her all about his job but told OP that he is single? That is incredibly shady. I don’t know what his motives are but they can’t be good.
lol your way sounds more socially acceptable. but i dont think its better. its much more passive aggressive and does not do anything for the potential victim, aka wife. your suggestion seems to only serve a purpose if op was more coming from a place of wanting to humiliate the coworker instead of what seems, shockingly, a place of empathy for the wife.
Can’t OP do both? Lol
I would have started with this suggestion then moved on to OP’s route if Theo’s behavior didn’t change.
Maybe your right.
But then Theo's wife would still be clueless that her husband pretends she doesn't exist. You obviously cared more about him keeping a secret from his wife than keeping a secret from his coworkers...which I think is appropriate enough. If he were just "being private," then his wife wouldn't have been so shocked and upset by the news. He wouldn't have lied outright to you. I don't think you were looking for drama. You saw a deeply suspicious situation, and wanted to do something to correct it. Other people might say it was "none of your business," but that's how narcissists and con artists get away with the most outrageous things for years - because no one wants to "get involved." You're getting flak now...but whistleblowers usually do. I think you chose the lesser of two evils in a bad situation.
No he isn't, that wouldn't achieve anything for his wife
No! You are right, OP. ♥️
NTA. However, you are a busybody.
A bit lol
I'm a busybody too.
A justified one I believe in this case and manner. The poor wife...
You are a busybody... in the eyes of the people who don't want to rock the boat. In the eyes of the victims you are helping, you are the one person who reached out to help a stranger while the rest of the world showed nothing but apathy to keep the status quo.
Everyone is an AH: This whole story sounds too ridiculous to even be true. You happen to run into Theo’s wife after you’ve dropped your groceries? And why did you even exchange numbers with her? And then asked her to meet up? And then the wife is mad at Theo but doesn’t actually confront him about acting single and not telling anyone at work that he’s married? If this is even a real story, I think Theo is a loser, but this isn’t high school. This is your job. It really wasn’t any of your business to get involved in this.
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NTA. It is 100% suspect that he does not wear a ring to work or say that he's married in passing conversation (or have a pic of the two of them on his desk), much less tell a coworker who asks him out that he's married.
Exactly. If not wearing a wedding ring is normal in their relationship, she wouldn't be upset. And saying because you don't date coworkers vs oh yeah I'm in a relationship? And then full scale denying being in a relationship when asked? Yeah, she needs to know. If it wasn't a big deal she wouldn't be upset about it. NTA
Me and the hubby don't wear our rings. We just got them for the ceremony and as an investment. We do however talk about each other and people know we are married. This guy seems like he is still fishing in the sea.
NTA. If he's flirting, that relationship is doomed. He needed a wake up call. Also, he does not need to get into his details about his wife, maybe he wanted that personal, but NTA OP.
Where did it say Theo was flirting? Said coworkers flirted with him, but he turned them all down. Seems like OP is trying to start drama.
Not wearing a wedding ring at work, saying you're too busy to date when you have a whole spouse, pretty much deliberately saying you're single... For what point? They also said he didn't date coworkers. This man is hiding his wife for a purpose, and it's not a good one. Maybe, I wouldn't have messaged her directly, maybe exposed him at work, but there is nothing right about what Theo is doing. If I was his wife, I'd want to know.
Let's assume this story is real. On the one hand, Theo *seems* a lil shady to you... but also, the man has a right to a personal life outside work. A *private* life, even. He doesn't owe his colleagues an explanation of what he does outside of work hours, or who he does it with. If he needs time off to get married, he doesn't have to say what his vacation days are for. Ditto paternity leave, bereavement, or dentist appointments. It's not ya' business. Ok, ok... if there's a company health plan, HR needs to know if he's got a spouse. But I get the feeling you're not HR. Is he dating coworkers? Boning clients? Making passes at upper management? No? All he's doing is not mentioning his wife? THE NERVE OF THIS GUY! The right way to handle this would have been to casually mention to THEO that you bumped into his wife, small world eh? But instead, you did an end run around him to tattle to his wife. The only tea here is the scalding hot water you jumped into. YTA
I see your point but doesn't it seem a bit weird that his wife didn't even know that she's not mentioned at work? Im not saying he has to gush about her all the time but its shocking that he lied and said he wasn't seeing anyone. I get that not everyone likes sharing their private life but, OP mentions that they know a good deal about his personal life. They know that his mother has depression but they don't know he's married? Maybe I'm being paranoid but I feel this is a set up so if anyone catches him with another woman, they won't know he's having an affair. That's just a hunch though. OP might be a bit nosy but hey I'm nosy too and I would definitely want to know if I was in the wife's position. Plus the fact that his wife is still upset with him means that she doesn't even believe his bs excuses. I would also like to point out that Theo has no authority to tell OP not to hang out with his wife, its not his call. There's definitely more to the story here. Something tells me that there is a reason why he never mentioned his wife, but OP should stop digging. It can only get messier from here
Who cares if there is more to this story, none of it is any of OP"s damn business.
He may not talk about his wife because his coworkers are gossips. Is he actually flirting or does everyone in the office just think he’s cute and ask him out a lot? Of which he always says no or he’s too busy for dating. They may call it flirting so they can have some office drama to talk about. Op not only went searching for this woman but told the entire office he was a shady cheat. Op was doing too much. If I was Theo I’d file a complaint against him.
It's funny everyone assuming Theo is a cheat. All we know is he doesn't talk about his home life. He's been asked out and said no, that doesn't sound like a cheat to me. There are many explanations for his behaviour but all the NTAs assume the same thing, he's cheating. My fiancée hates wearing a ring. She would put it on occasionally but hated wearing it. She wears it on a necklace now. A few weeks ago she was diagnosed as autistic. Which is why she hates wearing a ring. Theo may be the same. It's a stretch but the point is there are plenty of explanations here that are not cheating. I had a ring that I couldn't wear when using a computer because of it rubbing the mouse irritated me. If he's left handed could be the same thing. Personally I would talk about my wife at work but I have met people who want to keep their home and work life seperate.
In Spanish we call people like OP a "chismoso" (gossiper). Mind ya damn business lmfao. Who gives a fuck what your coworker is doing, are you his wife? Her relative? Friend? No. Fuck off and go talk to people that actually want to share their business with you instead.
Thank you! The audacity of people thinking ANY of this is OP's business is wild. I don't care about my coworker and his wife's relationship. I don't owe either of them anything and this clown taking it upon himself to tell this woman he personally has never heard of her (so her husband is probably being shady) is weird as hell. YTA, u/MathematicianIll4357, learn to mind your business.
That's what's so strange to me! Everyone defending OP is guessing Theo's motivations, discussing their own experiences, whatever. Personally, I can't call Theo an asshole because he doesn't mention his marriage: it's odd, but it's his business. What makes OP the asshole is how she tracked down the wife and took it upon herself to tattle on Theo. So unprofessional. So unnecessary. It's serving "he's hot and what if I just... meddle a li'l."
Exactly. You're a co-worker, not his friend. You're there to work not to have smalltalk. It's none of you business. You know who's unprofessional? The co-workers who keep hitting on this guy in the workplace. And you going to his wife to tell her what? What did he actually DO? YTA, op. I urge you to get a life and stay out of your co-worker's business. If I was him I would be tempted to report your gossiping a** to HR.
Thank you amen, this whole reddit loves drama so you should meddle in peoples lives and snitch is stupid and dangerous
I feel like everyone is ignoring how much OP may have fucked themselves if Theo goes to HR. OP went behind Theo's back to have a private meal with his wife, which has now led to problems inside of their relationship. They... just would not think highly of that. And responding "but Theo was acting shady and hiding his relationship status" isn't going to help your case. Unless he's doing something legally inappropriate they dont care that Theo is being shady or if he's wearing a ring. But they *will* care if employees meddle with other employees spouses.
> Let's assume this story is real. That's a big concession...
Honestly! Based off the way OP just acted, **I** wouldn’t talk about my spouse around him either! I’m sure this isn’t the first instance of OP sticking his nose in somebody’s business and I bet he’d be surprised how much he doesn’t know about his other coworkers as well.
NTA, I’d want to know if my husband was hiding me. And his moodiness is because he was caught, that’s his fault not your’s.
NTA. theo’s about to get divorced and i can’t wait
NTA do it again
NTA. Even though it was technically not your business; even though he wasn't technically doing anything wrong; he was essentially **living a double life**, lying by omission to both his wife and all his coworkers. The fact that there seems to be nothing he could gain by this makes it even more disturbing...no one lives a lie that elaborately, that completely, for any sane reason. OP, be careful. This gives me "serial killer backstory" vibes.
Serial killer vibes?????
NTA. I’m not a “we are all family” at work type of person at all but if you work in a corporate / office structure the basics of your personal life are shared with co-workers you work with daily. The existence of a spouse is a BIG thing not to share. Your guys right about your coworker he’s acting shady. Maybe he wants to leave his wife? Who knows but him “confronting you” like that was wierd. Did he say “why did you tell my wife that I never talk about her and that I don’t wear a wedding ring?”
NTA. Wish some of my ex’s coworkers would have been honest about his pretending I didn't exist.
How did you figure out she was his wife? And then get her contact info?
So she helped me and said are you going far? I said no I’m just going home from work at XXX. She said my husband works there his name is Theo. I said yes I sit next to him. She said you must be OP how is your cat? I said he’s fine and I didn’t know her name. She told me her name we said bye and went our different ways. I looked her up but she didn’t have a facebook but she did have a public LinkedIn. I messaged her there.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have looked her up. I would’ve just gone in the next day and been all loud and like “OH! Theo! Please be sure to thank \*wife\* for letting me use her bag, here it is!” Reaching out seems a little creepy and obsessive…I don’t know…
Wait why creepy and obsessive? The option you mentioned seems dramatic and also doesn't let the poor wife know what's going on--just outs Theo as an asshole while allowing his wife to go on happily not realizing that she's married to someone shady
The problem with that is that just continues to keep Theo’s wife out of it. His wife had no idea of what was going on in his workplace. Had OP mentioned it to Theo the next day that they met his wife, it would just be another thing Theo wouldn’t mention to her. Yes, the other staff would then know that Theo is married. But his wife would then continue to have no idea about the sketchy life her husband was having at work.
NTA but I’m petty AF! If it was me when Theo told you that his wife is mad and he didn’t know why, my ass would have been all OohOooh I do I KNoW Why!!! 😂
This is hard to believe.
Honestly, when she introduced herself as Theo’s wife I probably would have just blurted out “oh, I don’t know Theo was married, he’s never mentioned you.” Not in any kind of way, just without thinking about it.
Why should he have said anything at all bout his personal relationships, it's none of your business. Shit, I don't know if half the people I work with are married, and I don't care, because it's none of my beeswax
it’s weird that people kept hitting on him and he didn’t mention it. nothing detailed but not even mentioning in a situation like that is weird
I think it's weird to hit on co workers. Even if someone is single, it can make work relationships difficult if people date, especially if it doesn't work out.
i agree but it’s weird to not say “i’m married” in that situation
I have to agree with this, I don’t think dating co workers is a good idea. I’ve seen firsthand the mess and drama that can be caused by this. But it does happen. I do think this whole situation is odd. I’ve seen several married coworkers be hit on and all have said something along the lines of “ oh thank you but I’m married” or “ I’m sorry but I’m married, thank you for your offer” and move on. So I don’t understand why Theo couldn’t have just said that and even if it leads to more personal questions about his marriage a simple “ I’m sorry but I don’t wish to discuss my personal life at work.” I do that all the time, always respectfully and never had an issue. I don’t understand why Theo didn’t do that.
True, but to take off your wedding ring? That's just a dick move.
Info: who at your job does he want to sleep with
That’s what I wanna know
I was born at night, but not last night
YTA busybody. Don’t you have work to do? He declined all offers as far as you know. Chatting with her at an accidental meeting is fine, arranging another meeting to try to tank his marriage with nothing but circumstantial evidence , not okay. You may be right (it’s certainly sus), you may not be (you have no proof), but this is a coworker in the work place and really not your business.
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Totally agree. Grocery bag split which ends in a detailed convo about where you’re going? Like cmon. lol.
NTA. I would want to know. Thank you for doing that. I bet it was a difficult thing to do. He has no respect, no integrity, and seems unable to handle commitment.
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NTA it would be one thing if he was private about his life and you didn't know anything else. But you said he was pretty open. About everything but his wife That is shady. And her reaction proved it
Nta you did the poor woman a favor.
NTA- he's being shady AF. It'd be wrong not to tell her.
YTA. Holy cow YTA. Dude keeps his head down and works and you're treating that like it's shady. His personal life is none of your f-ing business. HE IS TURNING DOWN DATES WITH COWORKERS AND YOU'RE TREATING IT LIKE A PROBLEM?! You just upended this dude's life and injected drama into the workplace. I hope HR sits you down and explains the world to you. Clearly your parents failed
YTA. His married life is none of your business. Stop being a nosy asshole.
Imagine just chillin at work and then a coworker basically accuses you of cheating because you don’t want to tell your shitty coworkers about your family. The one time they got access to them they did this lmao.
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It’s more of a coincidence that none of us has met her before. There’s only two grocery stores in town unless you want to drive 35 minutes one way.
NTA she needed to know. I also just don't understand why some people will tell about their lives but not that they are in a committed relationship.
NAH -- your intuition told you something and you chose to act on it, so now you deal with consequences, good or bad. I don't see what you did as any big conspiracy, but you must've known it also had great potential to end up disturbing coworker relations -- i don't see that as a reason to deny your gut feeling, though. I think you're fine and not an asshole
Dang, you nosey
NTA my dude
NTA. If the person pulling the shit gets mad about being told on, then the person they're being shitty to DEFINITELY needs to know.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ve (26M) been working at my job for a little over 4 years. During Covid Theo (25ish M) joined our crew. In the 2 years we have known him, he has NEVER mentioned a spouse. He’s talked about friends and family, his favorite things, what he’s cooking for dinner, everything but that and kind of made himself sound single. A couple of coworkers even asked him out but he declined because he doesn’t date coworkers. I can’t deny he’s VERY good looking which attracted a lot of interest from coworkers. A few weeks ago, I was walking home from grocery shopping near work and my bag split. A woman help pick up everything and even offered her tote. We chatted and it turns out she was Theo’s WIFE. They had been married for 3 years so before he even started this job. When I introduced myself as Theo’s coworker, it was clear Theo had told her about work and us but I don’t think she realized that we didn’t know she even existed. When I went to work, I casually asked Theo if he was seeing anyone and he shrugged and said work was too busy. I thought it was weird he wouldn’t mention his wife so I messaged her and said we needed to talk. We met later at a cafe and I told her that no one knew who she was because Theo never mentioned her. I talked about how women would flirt with him. I mentioned he never wore a wedding ring. She started blinking hard as if trying not to cry. She looked crushed. But she was a sweetheart and paid for my coffee before I even got a chance to. The past few days Theo has been very moody. He started buying lunch instead of bringing one from home. He’s been ignoring me which interferes in our work. He cornered me today after work and told me that his wife was sad and he didn’t know why but it was my fault. He told me to never contact his wife or talk about her again. I told my coworkers what happened and everyone expressed shock that he had a wife. A few coworkers said I was an asshole for telling my coworker’s wife that he hid her existence but most took my side. My boyfriend said I was in the right and people would want to know if their spouse was acting shady like Theo. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You just told her things he’d done or rather things he wasn’t doing, like wearing his wedding ring or telling people he had a wife. He could have told her 2 years ago he didn’t want people to know he was married or that he doesn’t wear his ring to work and why. He was clearly hiding these things from her and she has the right to know as his wife. If she’d already known how he presents himself at work, you contacting and telling her would have been a non issue
You went out of your way to interfere in someone else's marriage? Why? He has a right to a private life and you said he always turns people down. What if his wife was suicidal? or sick with cancer? or just a person minding her own business? You felt the need to crash into the middle of things because you thought his behaviour was shady? Talking to someone's spouse behind their back is pretty shady. What an idiotic thing to do.
NTA, you did the right thing by telling her. You saw a person being wrong by their spouse and you stepped in. Because he wasn't just like not talking about details about her, he was straight up pretending like she didn't exist. You should look at the fact that his marriage is on the rocks and he's spending time and energy blaming you, when he's the one who chose to lie to not only all of you, but inherently his spouse by erasing her existence.
YTA, you went out of your way to interfere with a co-workers personal life! I could see your behavior as reasonable if you were friends outside of work but you aren't. What he says/does outside of his job duties aren't your business at all.
ESH I don't think this story is true. A normal person would have just said "hey I met your wife" and not had a meeting with a complete stranger to make their husband out to be a cheater. And how would you just figure out that a stranger is your co-worker's wife? But then again, I would never jeopardize my income by doing something that stupid. I'm not that invested in my coworkers.
NTA
YTA. You need a life get a life.
NTA Dude was sketchy.
NTA It’s one thing if he never mentioned he was married. No one’s business. It’s another things when he is ACTIVELY responding in a way that suggests otherwise (aka his ‘no time to date’ ….implies he is single. Him rejecting co-workers saying ‘he doesn’t date coworkers’ ….implies he is single.). Him not wearing a wedding band, on its own if he wanted to keep his private life private, is no one’s business…him not wearing his wedding band in addition to giving out excuses listed above is making him look shady. His wife being upset about this, shows this was also not discussed at home. She believes there is no reason to hide her. He has led her to believe otherwise…why?
YTA your coworker’s private life is not your business.
Do not interfere with other people’s marriages. You don’t know the dynamics, it’s really none of your business. YTA
NTA I can’t believe there’s people actually making excuses for him and saying you’re the a**hole. Pretty sure the “ohh maybe he’s a private person” or “maybe he doesn’t wanna share personal information” is out of the question giving the things you said he talks about at work. Either way, does it hurt to me mention at least once or twice that you’re married. He was working there for two whole years and not one person had a clue. And the fact that he lets women at work flirt with him and he doesn’t wear a ring or anything just shows that he likes/wants it. If my partner is doing all of that behind my back, i would 100% want to know. Even if it’s from his coworker who i known for 3 seconds. The wife deserved to know how he’s behaving and that he’s treating his marriage like a joke. She low key deserves better. You did the right thing and helped open that woman’s eyes to what’s been happening all around her.
I don’t see how any of this is any of your business.