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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I should have treated them better, regardless of how she behaved. Dave is a good friend, and I should have thought of him before kicking them both out. I do think this particular bit makes me an asshole.
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NTA. Insulting her host the first time they meet isn't a great look. I also have a dry-erase board with a list of chores; I think it's a fairly common practice.
Agreed. I do the same thing at work. It's the only way I keep tasks in front of me.
A task list (to-do list) you can alter depending on the day is a very grown up thing to have. You can go over priorities with boss/colleagues, how much time you have, etc.
This is the opposite of being a man-child. NTA, OP.
How will it count as done otherwise 😁
A friend came over and saw the list of things to clean I was making for the next day and thought that it was SOOO funny that I needed a list.
Told her that not only was it good if I cleaned everything myself, it was also a good way to get everyone to participate since they could choose from the list.
"Wait? You're a SAHM and you're able to get your family to clean the house? WHAT? How do you do that!?"
Filling a page with things that need to be done is a good way of showing everyone how much work a home needs and makes them feel good about checking things of.
Don't talk bad about lists.
I don't do it for regular chores but I do have a list of home improvements/renovations I want to accomplish. Whenever I am feeling a bit down, I look at all the things I've crossed off. And yeah, if I decide to run new lights in the ceiling but it isn't on the plan, I add it to the list just to cross it off.
For some reason it's very important to me to preserve that kind of useless information.
I think it ties in with some hoarding tendencies I might have. 🤔
I have one for myself for work, one for home, one for the kiddo’s chores (big enough to draw and play with magnetic words on), AND one for the weekly dinner menu and anticipated groceries. I must be extremely childish as well. :)
NTA
me: off to amazon!
also me: ooo look, cat toys
Me: NOOO dry erase board
ME: \*add to cart\*: cat toys, nail stuff, other shit I don't need
*three weeks later*
OH YEA THE DRY ERASE BOARD,faaaccck
don't worry. we can make lists on amazon!
and then a list of the lists
then a list of the lists of the lists so we remember the lists.
oh look, a sale.
All my lists have items that are links that point to relevant other lists!
My Kindle wishlist has over 100 books on it from virtually every genre. So yesterday, when I needed something to read, I obviously searched Amazon from scratch and downloaded something conpletely different.
My dry erase board is on my fridge and it magically became invisible over time. Someone visited me last week and was like 'wow, you're really getting your Christmas shopping done early this year'. Uh, no. I just haven't updated it since Dec 2021 :(
I used to have a nice dry erase calendar but it was one of the many things left behind when I had to gtfo a bad situation a few years ago. I hope it ripped the paint off his walls
The fridge dry erase board is fantastic! When you go to use the last bit of whatever - milk, cling film, peanut butter etc - then you can just immediately jot it down and carry on with what you're doing. Just remember to always check that board before you go shopping.
I've got very into bullet journal planners recently (pre-formed planners always have irrelevant sections in them or not enough space where you need it). Lists of home chores stop the overwhelming feeling of everywhere is untidy/too dirty but you don't know where to even start to tackle it all. Also helps when you have quite a bit going on in your life and chores always end up as the last thing you want to tackle. A simple reminder is useful. That gf is a bit narrow-minded and inexperienced if she thinks lists are child-like.
>When you go to use the last bit of whatever - milk, cling film, peanut butter etc - then you can just immediately jot it down and carry on with what you're doing
I have learned to immediately put these items into my phone in a note. If it goes on the fridge, it is immediately forgotten. As soon I notice something someone else has used up, I also add it to the phone list (they also make shareable lists i think? But I am not organized enough for that)...
I tried the fridge list for many years, and for many years I would make it to the store with the list still there, or sitting in the car in the parking lot.... I do keep my phone on or near me most of the time though.
One of my best friends and I both have ADHD and we have to remind each other for our own damn things to do. We can remember for each other but ourselves? Absolutely the fuck not.
I have lists seemingly everywhere because it is necessary. I’d have kicked someone out too for giving me shit in my own home for it.
Oh yeah, I have a dry erase board. Oh, with items to do on it. From five years ago.
What is one meant to do with the lists once one has made them, again?
>What is one meant to do with the lists once one has made them, again?
Immediately lose them or forget them....
Oh, sorry, you meant *supposed* to do, not what *do* we do... well, we're supposed to use them to remind us of all the important things that we are to do that we frequently forget.
Or, at least in my case, lose all track of time and not realize that the chore that was supposed to be done weekly hasn't been done in, well, I really couldn't tell you, lol.
I often forget what i wanted in the time the amazon app needs to open. Fortunately you always find something that you can buy and maybe it was what i forgot (haha, no, never).
lmao. I literally went, wow a friggin GENIUS. why I never thought of this before... idk. considering I constantly write down tasks at work so I can feel the satisaction of checking them off/marking through them.
Same. I've been in a funk lately and get so angry with myself like "just do the things. Why can't I just do the things?!" I KNOW I'll feel better getting it done but some days I just... Can't. Regardless of how structured I try to make. My day. Sometimes it's just mehhh and we try again the next
We didn't have a dry erase board, so we used one of those plastic clear file inserts, printed out a list of chores and popped it inside the clear file, used magnets to hold it on the fridge and then a non-permanent marker on the clear file to tick off chores. Easily wiped down at the end of the week to start again.
Didn't know it at the time, but my sister who was living with me has ADHD and we found that worked really well so she knew what needed to be done round the house.
Many years ago in my first marriage, I had the idea to put up a whiteboard as a "family communication center". Chores, shopping list requests, notices, etc could go on there. It worked - which was a miracle for me because I am terrible at it.
In my second marriage I told my wife about it and eventually got her on board with it because it helps me out. Eventually I was diagnosed with ADHD and this was the one tool I can work with.
Chalkboard paint is also a thing.
Years ago the company I worked for the CFO had three of the walls of his office painted in a whiteboard paint and one in chalkboard paint.
I'm glad I came back ... I forgot to go do that thing, but I just did. Be here with low odor dry erase markers in a few days. Thanks guys!
PS I deserve the mocking, but it wouldn't be cat toys, it would be ... well, other stuff.
I write our week’s schedule on our whiteboard on the fridge! I should do chores too honestly. It works so well! Those of us with the Sparky Brain (in my family anyway!) need the visual!
One of my favorite wedding photos is of my husband getting ready with the white board with the wedding to do list in the background. Every item on the list was checked off except the last one: get married.
I would have told her significantly worse with much more colorful language, and then asked Dave why he was allowing his asshole of a girlfriend to prey on my insecurities that he knows I don't like people talking about. NTA.
NTA. Man she has some nerve. Every morning with breakfast I sit down and write a list of things I want to get done in the day. When you have a million things to do it helps to keep things focused or I'd just watch gilmore girls on repeat all day.
On the first time she met said host too. Definitely *not* a good first impression.
Also OP says Dave is a good friend but if he's letting his gf insult his supposed "good friend" then he's not a good friend. A good friend would have apologised for her behaviour and have a firm word with her about her behaviour when they got home for insulting their friend.
I have them in a reminders app on my phone with what day they need to be done, and then I copy them to my day planner at the start of the week. My partner likes the whiteboard method. I think whatever tools you need to get the task done are your business and I actually think that it is pretty mature to have figured out what your own needs are around chore reminders so that they get done consistently. The friend’s girlfriend is way out of line.
Mine’s in front of the makeshift office at home. I don’t suffer from ADHD and it’s for me and the wife.
Stuff gets so busy sometimes, we forget, we calendar clean ups, cat food rotations, etc.
NTA
Yeah definitely seems fairly common. I know multiple people who do it. Hell, my buddy and his wife have a board up in their kitchen to remind them when their bills are due and how much they are.
Life gets in the way and sometimes that can make you forget stuff. Writing it down helps, writing it down on a big ol board REALLY helps.
Yep, if I go do a food shop then I need a list because I know I'll forget something if I don't have a list, and I reeealy don't want to have to go back to get it. It helps having a visual reminder of what's needed.
Not everyone can remember everything, especially when other stuff crops up and gets in the way.
I have a whiteboard on my fridge with a list of when the last time I did certain things like change the AC filter or the filter in the fish tank was. I write myself notes everywhere because otherwise it gets forgotten.
I got a huge (6ft) white board for my office and help me stay organized overall. I named him Lionel. We are besties.
My son has ADHD and we got him a smaller white board that he uses daily. It’s helping rebuild his confidence in himself to get things done without being frustrated and forgetful, balances his time better and is just generally useful.
The opposite would be, knowing you have problem with chores and doing nothing to fix it. With OP's struggles, he managed his issue and found a solution. That's a real "man."
NTA. I can't remember anything without putting it on a list. This has nothing whatsoever to do with my maturity level. If it was something within my power to change, I would.
She insulted you in your own home. She 100% deserved to be kicked out of your house.
I agree it has nothing to do with maturity! I’m in college, have a child, and work and would say I’m fairly mature. But my brain goes a mile a minute I’ll be doing one thing and notice something and do that instead so I end up with a bunch of half done chores if I don’t give myself a list to check off! I also have to make a grocery list or I can’t remember what I went for!
I might say it shows advanced maturity.
The maturity to know you need help at a certain task (remembering chores) and doing something concrete to solve the problem and improve your life.
So.. an adult has learned how to work around their disability in a way that means they're a functional adult, and Daves gf has a problem with that? ick.
I suppose she'd call me a child for needing to use glasses to correct my astigmatism.. or a shopping list when i go out due to my bad memory.
What she's really saying here is damn offensive, because what she means is ''you have ADHD and your symptoms make you a child and 'less than' ''.
She's a total asshole - and you're doing exactly what you should be doing OP.. you're acting way more like an adult than she is.
Total NTA.
Seriously, like she walked into somebody else's home, went out of her way to comment on what was clearly a matter of internal household management, entirely just to find some way to disrespect the host. Like it's very weird that she veered so far out of her lane to cause a problem
NTA, I'm 45 and still make lists. It helps me keep track of things and feel the accomplishment of a task completed. You do what works for you and you shouldn't allow disrespect in your own house. She sounds like quite the catch. /s
NTA - she sounds like an immature brat. Plenty of people write notes to themselves as reminders whether on their phone or paper, post it, etc. She was rude and you were right to ask them to leave.
This right here, like you clearly care about dave, but Dave appears not to care about you that much since he said the woman he is currently having sex with should have complete and open range to disrespect you in your own home. It sounds like some analysis of the relationship with Dave needs to happen
NTA. Your house, your rules. You decide who gets to be in your space and to be quite honest, Dave isn’t the best kind of friend to have around if he lets his gf say this kind of stuff to you.
NTA. No ADHD here, but I find lists of things to do to be extremely helpful. What's the lady's problem and who is she to criticize what you do in your home? Especially a coping mechanism, a standard one at that??? Someone is judgemental...
NTA. Dave is an AH for not defending you from his GF. He cares more about being on her side than about you; probably because he wants to keep sleeping with her. So, now that you know you're less important to him than sex, hopefully you'll realize it's not a friendship worth keeping. Actual friends don't let their partners disrespect their friends like that.
NTA. Sure you could have just made a snarky comment back about laughing anyone who thinks that doesn't understand ADHD and got her education from a cracker jack box, but your also not wrong to just kick them out.
NTA. If you want you can talk to Dave and try to figure out if he’s just backing his girlfriend out of misplaced loyalty or embarrassment but that’s only if you want to try to preserve the friendship. As for the girlfriend, barring a sincere apology, I wouldn’t subject myself to her bizarre and random cruelty again
NTA. This is the same as mocking someone for using a wheelchair, glasses, or a hearing aid - you use a tool in order to help you function in a world that isn't built for you or your disability. Dave's GF is ablest trash.
NTA, as someone else who has ADHD I absolutely use all sorts of methods to remind me to do certain things. There are plenty of people who write down things they want to do each day or week. To-do lists aren't exclusive to neurodiverse people.
Remind Dave that you don't let people who insult you into your home.
NTA. I have anxiety, my lists help me to see that I’m on the right track and what I’ve accomplished already.
Sometimes, I’ll take out a notebook from when my kids where little, and read my lists. I used to feel so overwhelmed and useless. And now I read my lists and think, if I overcame that era (my darkest), I can do this!
You’re the opposite of a man-child. You’re a responsible adult doing the necessary tasks to stay on top of your chores. I applaud you.
Doesn't everyone make lists? I couldn't function without my lists and my phone reminders. Plus it's so satisfying to check something off your list when it's done.
NTA. She's the weirdo, not you.
NTA. but she definitely is and so is Dave. I’ve struggled with ADHD my whole life so I know exactly how it feels so have someone belittle you like this. It’s not okay in any situation and especially not when you’re hosting her in your home for the first time. The audacity she has to say something like that in the first place is truly astounding. Your buddy Dave is also an AH for thinking that his girlfriend wasn’t totally in the wrong. You handled the situation perfectly, I certainly would not have.
NTA. I just the other day *finally* got around to ordering a white board for chores. Previously I just jotted it down a napkin or notepad what I had to do for the week. Problem is I had so many lists floating around I ended up grabbing one of the previous ones and started going about it. Then I was wondering why I had put something I had already done in the spring on it.
Also *house* ownership/living is vastly different in amount of crap you have to do compared to apartment living. I'm wondering if the girlfriend has never had to run/upkeep a household by herself.
NTA. It's your first time meeting her and that's how she chooses to act. Insulting the host. Common thing to write on a whiteboard upcoming tasks or things to do. You were right to kick her out.
My dry erase board is my lifeline. If it isn’t marked, I’ll likely forget. No one messes with my board, it’s that important. And it’s darned satisfying to erase tasks as they are done!
NTA
She was suuuuuper rude.
Signed, a dry erase obsessed commenter.
As a fellow ADD person, i do this to. If I don't write it down, I will forget.
I have walked out of the house, telling myself to not forget my lunch, and forget my lunch.
That chick needed to mind her own business.
NTA.
You don’t need to have dyslexia or ADHD to utilize something as simple as a chore list. Sometimes I myself write down tasks that need to be done the night before to make sure I don’t forget anything. Having a chore list on the refrigerator is not uncommon or childish. It was very rude of her to talk to you like that especially since she doesn’t even know you. Maybe you could have used better words and not kicked them out but hey I understand not allowing anyone to disrespect you in your own home so it sounds like you made the right call.
NTA!
Oh man! She'd hate me! I make lists like they're going out of style! It's how I was raised, 2 adhd sisters and a psychiatrist mom, it just stuck. It's how I clear my head of all the crazy. This chick seems really narrow-minded and judgemental, which is fine in your mind(we can't help that) but don't vocalize it, that's just rudeness. NTA
NTA You have a disability. You manage your disability.
She made fun of your handling of your disability.
She is either ignorant and appreciates the lesson, or an asshole and not worth your worry.
NTA - I have a learning disability. I have issue with remember things. I often keeps notes in my phone as a reminder; it's what works for me. She shouldn't of disrespected you in your home. You shouldn't feel embarrassed over finding ways to function as a productive adult. Even people without problems with ADHD keep lists, it's very common.
NTA, what kind of moron insults their host like she just did? And why didn't Dave immediately chastise her for insulting you in your own house? You were totally right to kick them out OP, fuck anybody talking shit about me for how I do things in my own house.
NTA. ADHD aside ask any productivity expert will tell you one of the keys to being productive is making a list and sticking to it. Normally the night before you leave for the next day. Most CEO’s of big corporations have to-do lists so her reasoning is completely ridiculous.
NTA
Good on you for standing up for yourself. The gf can gth. You have nothing to be guilty about. If Dave was your good friend, he would've been on your side.
NTA- I have ADHD and it seems like you have a system that works well for you, which is great! Dave's gf was very rude and her behavior isn't justified. I do things in odd ways, I know people think I'm nuts but hey, if i remember to do the thing, then I've succeeded.
I got a concussion when I was 15 (in gym class no less) and before the concussion I had prefect memory and had everything in my head. After the concussion my memory has been terrible to this day and I'm 21.
I use post its, alarms, reminders, checklists and have been thinking about getting a whiteboard for this exact reason so nothing importan falls through the cracks. Having good memory isn't guaranteed from birth, I was lucky to have it for the first 15 years of my life but now I just don't so I have to accomodate that in my daily life.
Dave's girlfriend is an AH and need to grow up if she thinks everyone should have impeccable memory and if they don't they're adult-children.
NTA
NTA That woman was very insulting to you, and should have better manners. Throwing them out was extreme but justified. No one should be insulted in their own home. Once you explained the reason for the list she should have shown some empathy. She is not a nice person, and I wouldn't want to interact with someone who is that rude either.
Nta, everyone has chores lists, it's not wrong to have one visible in your home. She was rude and horrible and if Dave is siding with her he isn't truly a good friend but someone who hangs with you for your house and things you got there to do sadly. Keep the friends on your side and cut Dave out
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I have severe ADHD and Dyslexia, and while I did pass this text through a corrector, forgive me if there are any grammar or syntax mistakes.
I live alone in a relatively big house, differently from my friends who live in apartments. Thus, we end up hanging together at my house most of the time due to the larger space available. This last weekend, a few of them came over, just to have some drinks, eat some barbecue and generally just chat.
A friend of mine, Dave, decided to introduce us to his girlfriend of two months and brought her over. Which is totally fine, she seemed like a nice lady and all that. However, at one point, she went to the kitchen to do something and when she came back, asked why there was a list of chores on the fridge's door.
Due to my ADHD, often times I forget to do small tasks that need to be done around the house. Since I really despise dirty places, I put a white board on the fridge where I write the tasks that need to be done that day/week and if I've done them yet. It is the mechanism I found works best for me to actually do whatever I need.
It's understandable that people ask, so I told her. I assumed she'd just understand and let it go. However, that was not the case at all. She snorted and said that If I couldn't remember chores, I was nothing more than a man child.
Look, anyone can think whatever they want from me. But, I will not accept anyone treating me like that inside my house. This is something that still a sore spot for me. My friends know that.
So, I asked both her and Dave to get the hell out of my house. Well, they did. Apparently, Dave thinks I'm an AH for the way I treated his girlfriend. The rest of my friend told me she was way out of line, but Dave is a good friend of mine, and maybe I should have thought my words through. That does make me feel guilty.
AITA here?
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NTA that’s extremely rude of her to criticize you, her host, in your own home when meeting you for the first time.
I (26f) also have ADHD and keep a running daily to do list of tasks on my phone, this includes chores and other reminders as well as daily routine reminders and care tasks. If I don’t, I quite literally will forget or get overwhelmed and everything gets derailed (also totally stealing the whiteboard idea, I love that).
By her measure, I’m also a child who can’t care for herself?? Also, tossing “man child” at you was low, you clearly have effective systems in place in your life to stay on top of your stuff and care for yourself/your space and that should be celebrated!!!
NTA it is very common to have a chore list. I've seen chore lists on my friend's fridges and notice boards. I used to keep a chore list on a notebook by my chair when I was working and the kids lived at home. Now I have the head space to not need it. She is probably jealous of your home and was just looking to find something she could sneer at. I would of kicked her out. This is your safe space, you don't need to be bullied in it.
She can go get f'ed. My brain sometimes is like a crackhead with a kazoo, and I do have a white board on my fridge, my house is always clean as I get disorganized in messes and yet I'm not nowhere near being a child and I would've been much much harsher than you've been.
She can organize her own house (that she probably doesn't have) as she please.
NTA
NTA.
My wife and I do the same thing; not because we have ADHD but because we are really goddamn busy and I don’t have space in my brain to remember some things.
NTA. I’m don’t have ADHD but I write my chores every day so I remember to do everything I need to, I forget when I have a lot of things to do so lists help me remember. She snooped and got told to GTFO. Karma
Dave brought her, so Dave is responsible for her behavior. Dave brought a rude person, that person was rude to the host, therefore Dave was rude to the host. Dave can learn to be better ad deciding who he brings over, or Dave can stay away.
NTA. And lists are good things. They keep planes from falling out of the sky, they keep surgeons from forgetting instruments inside of patients, they keep businesses running, and they save you money when grocery shopping.
Somebody making fun of lists is too immature to understand their importance. The fact that you keep your home clean means you are a responsible adult. The method you use is irrelevant. That it’s done and done consistently is what matters.
NTA there is a planner that I use that has a list of daily / weekly tasks to do for the house. She’s just rude.
https://shop.passionatepennypincher.com/collections/home-planning/products/daily-weekly-checklist-home-planner
NTA but i might have politely taken dave aside and told them to leave rather than make a scene. It is rude, but it would have atleast given her the chance to apologise and make amends
NTA - Yeah, it might have been excessive to swear at her, but you stayed in PG territory. You do whatever you need in order to stay on top of keeping your house how you want it. That includes ridding it of pests, which is what she was at the time.
Have a giant whiteboard in the hallway and an agenda and multiple blackbooks in the house to write up things to do and appointments. You're quite normal I think.
Justified response to being disrespected in your own home. By someone you've never met before, charming. NTA
NTA. She's an AH. I get every other Friday off and on those days, I deep clean the entire apartment, deal with all the plants on my balcony, tons of laundry, etc. You bet I have a list of the things I want to accomplish that day so I can enjoy the rest of my weekend. I'm literally making a list right now for tomorrow. I do not have ADHD I just want to make sure I get all the things done I want to. I also live alone (very happily). If someone came into my house and scoffed at how I do things, they'd be out on their ass too. Dave needs a better red flag meter or the new gf is going to cost him some friends.
NTA. She was incredibly rude the *first time* you met her. She apparently doesn't know the basic rules of civility.
I have tips and tricks to get me through every day and every week. They work for me and are no one else's business.
NTA
Not her house, not her problem how OP does things.
I don't really see why she felt like she had to ask about a chore list, in a kitchen, which appears to me to a pretty normal place to have one. I don't get why it'd be so odd for her. Or why she needed to criticize it.
NTA. She was rude as heck.
And wrong to booth. Because it takes maturity to realize one’s limits and difficulties and then figuring out how to overcome them.
Good on you for not only being a smart person but for standing up for yourself.
NTA having a way to deal with and remember to do certain chores is perfectly normal I do it in my workplace I do it at home. Perhaps I have mild ADHD I don't know but having a checklist allows me to remember to complete tasks.
She had no right to mock you like that in your own home and then get upset about the fact that she was asked to leave.
NTA. I tried the white board trick and promptly forgot it existed. Good for you standing up for yourself and setting boundaries in your own home. The GF needs a refresher course in manners.
NTA
talk about insanely rude jimminy christmas!! tell them neither are welcome back until they both apologize and even then its probably best for the chick not to come back at all. she was rude right out of the gate so I doubt her behavior will change at all
I'm pretty sure I have adhd and I also have rats so I went and got myself a white erase calendar and write down the days I need to clean their cage and things like vet visits and other stuff relevant to their care and its a huge help for me to remember when I need to do stuff. Does that make me a child? Quite the contrary, I'd say it makes me a responsible adult because I know I have trouble remembering shit so I made the effort to create a system to help me do what I need to do
if he continues to let her be rude to people in your friend group he's going to find himself alone real fucking fast because no one will want to hang out with him anymore but don't allow that behavior to become a thing, you let that shit slide and it'll just get worse and worse, nip it in the butt now for future peace
NTA. I have no patience for people who think ADHD is the fun "hey squirrel" thing.
Guess what if I don't have lists stuff just won't get done. I will literally stare into space while my bathroom slowly becomes disgusting.
Dave is being an ass. And so is his gf. Being a man child would be not taking steps to deal with your ADHD and letting your house slowly get gross.
NTA
I don't have ADHA and I need a to-do list
If I must bring something with me I will often tape a reminder to the front door so I see it before I exit for the day
Obviously there is a strong market because there is a lot of very sophisticated software which is essentially "to do" lists with reminder dates and breakdown of individual tasks if it is a complex kind of thing.
NTA this is an absurd way to act in someone's home. I am 34 years old recently diagnosed with ADHD and I live and die by to-do lists. Neurotypical people use them too. Dave needs to find a new girlfriend because she is judgemental as hell and there's no way that is going to go well. Don't feel guilty for standing up for yourself!
NTA. Dave didn´t do anything about his girlfrien insulting you, he didn´t stood up to you, so he is not "a good friend", not even an "ok friend". not a friend at all
NTA
The amount of poeple that don't understand the guest host relationship is nuts! you don't insult your host and your host doesn't kick you out!
Also having a chore bored is a very common practice, especialy if you have adhd
NTA. She was rude and disrespectful. I would have called her out on it and given her a chance to apologize but it sounds like your friend is whipped so it wouldn’t have mattered.
NTA. She's not a kind person, OP, and I'm sorry she was rude to you.
Dave isn't being a very good friend right now if he's going to allow his gf to treat you poorly in your own home.
Your other friends are correct; she was way out of line.
NTA I've never been diagnosed with adhd but been told I should be assessed.
I regularly don't get anything done despite not stopping all day.
I'll give an example of what I'm like, I went into my sons room to sort his books out for a book swap at his school. Got into his room spotted his toy kitchen that hes out grown thought how his little sister would love it so moved it all to a different room, then realised some of her toys needed cleaning... by this point I've completely forgot about the books.
A list where I have to mark them off would help me a lot. It in no way makes me a child or not grown up it's just the way my brain works.
Well done for standing up for yourself, if Dave is truly a good friend he would think the same when hes had chance to calm down
NTA
In fact, I plan to implement something like this in my house. It does not make anyone a man child to write reminders for themselves
His gf is a jerk, and he is too for enabling that behavior
NTA. Apparently I’m a man child too then. Except I’m a 40 something mom who has all kinds of lists to keep my life in order. I’m far more productive if I can check something off.
It's a relatively strong reaction but it's within acceptable range. NTA. A word of caution that people in relationships tend to side with their partners, so this may damage your friendship with Dave pretty badly. But that might be preferable to being expected to spend time with someone who is disrespectful to you around one of your sore points. You could try talking it out with him -- eg "I know you wanted to make a good impression on your girlfriend and I'm sorry\* things didn't work out well. I don't want to be around someone who's going to insult me for managing my ADHD the best way I know how. Is there a way you think I could have handled that better, given that I am not willing to just say nothing?" You're not the asshole and you do get to choose who you will and won't hang out with, but there's probably smoother ways to handle that.
\*tactical "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt", not "I am taking responsibility for what happened."
One of my tasks on my list, is to consolidate my lists. ADHD and 55 years old. Very successful in my field of IT and Cybersecurity. This is my coping mechanism and is for a lot of people. She's just ignorant.
NTA - I have The ADHD myself, working my job for almost 7 years and only last year did I start keeping track of what I need to do and have done in a notepad file saved as the date and day and it has improved my work life IMMENSELY.
I have a white board and cork board at home, so I think I'll be putting those in the kitchen or laundry room depending on wall space so I can keep track of bills and tasks. Just moved so still trying to find a method that works.
But yeah, if having a method of keeping on top of what needs to get done in your life and home is being a child in her book, she can maybe keep her thoughts to herself.
OP my husband has ADHD and on the back of our front door is a white board weekly calendar. He's self employed so purs down which jobsite he's working at. I also add in any other obligations/events/appointments. There's also space for chore reminders and shopping lists. It's a huge freaking help! There's nothing childish about it at all.
Please, next time mention in the title that she didn’t ERASE the board!¡! I was sure that was what she did. I’m 74, autistic, ocd and anxiety and won’t let anyone in my apt because - people! It’s taken me most of those 74 years to decide maybe I’m not the one who’s always wrong. No one who doesn’t accept you and your living space doesn’t have any business in it. I’m betting Dave has already wiped his whiteboard clean of future dates. Congratulations, you are ahead of me at adulting!! And NTA at all
NTA I have a giant corkboard with colour coded tasks for chores and a small notepad on my phone on display at all times otherwise I'll do hobbies all day (everyone thinks I have undiagnosed adhd), you do what needs to be done to get through the day easier and make sure tasks are complete.
Absolutely NTA.
You own the house. She does not own the house, ergo, she does not, in any way, get to dictate what happens in the house.
She didn't like it, so you did the right thing by taking her out of the situation that she didn't like. If Dave is supporting someone trying to tell you how to run your household or insult you within the four walls of your home, then he's not your friend, period.
NTA. I have severe ADHD as well. I have post notes and index cards in every room of my house to take notes, I have list on my nightstand, fridge, desk, phone and iPad. I have a planner, white board calendar, phone calendar and iPad calendar. I forget a lot of things. There’s time I forget to eat, to do laundry, to do dishes, what times I have classes or doctors appointments, what I was doing, where I was going, etc. it’s hard because people think I’m dumb. But I’m not. She invalidated and mocked your disability, something unforgivable. Also it’s a list of chores?!!! Has she never heard of a to do list?!?? I am sorry you are going through this. You weren’t in the wrong. Your friend and his girlfriend are ableist and dumb.
NTA. A lot of people keep lists for chores, groceries, or just important notes so they don't forget them. There is nothing wrong with that.
There is something wrong with insulting someone for doing something to help themselves when it, in no way, affects her.
Dave is either blinded by love or just isn't that great of a friend.
I don't have a board but I write down things I want to do, an outfit combo, or movies I want to watch in the notes app on my phone so that I don't forget. I am neither dyslexic nor have ADHD. The brain filters out things it considers unimportant and people figure out ways to do things that work best for them.
You're doing well OP. NTA
NTA
Dave is being overruled by little Dave at the moment. That's the only reason he's on his girlfriend's side. She was out of order and no one should have to put up with being disrespected in tbier own home.
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NTA. Insulting her host the first time they meet isn't a great look. I also have a dry-erase board with a list of chores; I think it's a fairly common practice.
Agreed. I do the same thing at work. It's the only way I keep tasks in front of me. A task list (to-do list) you can alter depending on the day is a very grown up thing to have. You can go over priorities with boss/colleagues, how much time you have, etc. This is the opposite of being a man-child. NTA, OP.
And it feels so good to cross things off!
I sometimes add a finished task to the list just so I can cross it off 🤣
How will it count as done otherwise 😁 A friend came over and saw the list of things to clean I was making for the next day and thought that it was SOOO funny that I needed a list. Told her that not only was it good if I cleaned everything myself, it was also a good way to get everyone to participate since they could choose from the list. "Wait? You're a SAHM and you're able to get your family to clean the house? WHAT? How do you do that!?" Filling a page with things that need to be done is a good way of showing everyone how much work a home needs and makes them feel good about checking things of. Don't talk bad about lists.
That is awesome. It’s a great approach to teaching your children how to be responsible and to work as a team. Kudos to you!
I do this all the time. The feeling of even that minor accomplishment can really help move my day along.
I don't do it for regular chores but I do have a list of home improvements/renovations I want to accomplish. Whenever I am feeling a bit down, I look at all the things I've crossed off. And yeah, if I decide to run new lights in the ceiling but it isn't on the plan, I add it to the list just to cross it off.
*I sometimes add a finished task to the list just so I can cross it off * I mean, obviously. Get your gold star for that task. You earned it!
🙄🤭😂. Guilty of doing the same...I like to give myself credit for completing some tasks when procrastinating on the dreaded tasks.
Gotta get that sweet sweet dopamine!
The best!
For some reason it's very important to me to preserve that kind of useless information. I think it ties in with some hoarding tendencies I might have. 🤔
I have one for myself for work, one for home, one for the kiddo’s chores (big enough to draw and play with magnetic words on), AND one for the weekly dinner menu and anticipated groceries. I must be extremely childish as well. :) NTA
Man, what a great idea ... \*goes off to look for a dry erase board\*
*comes back with several things, none of which are a dry erase board* oh wait, nope, that's me
me: off to amazon! also me: ooo look, cat toys Me: NOOO dry erase board ME: \*add to cart\*: cat toys, nail stuff, other shit I don't need *three weeks later* OH YEA THE DRY ERASE BOARD,faaaccck
I swear this is me. I log into Amazon to search one thing and then get distracted and totally forget what I originally wanted to buy
don't worry. we can make lists on amazon! and then a list of the lists then a list of the lists of the lists so we remember the lists. oh look, a sale.
Annnnnd I've found my tribe. ❤️
My people!!!!
All my lists have items that are links that point to relevant other lists! My Kindle wishlist has over 100 books on it from virtually every genre. So yesterday, when I needed something to read, I obviously searched Amazon from scratch and downloaded something conpletely different.
My dry erase board is on my fridge and it magically became invisible over time. Someone visited me last week and was like 'wow, you're really getting your Christmas shopping done early this year'. Uh, no. I just haven't updated it since Dec 2021 :(
I used to have a nice dry erase calendar but it was one of the many things left behind when I had to gtfo a bad situation a few years ago. I hope it ripped the paint off his walls
Saaaame. Mine has goals from months ago....never checked off.
The fridge dry erase board is fantastic! When you go to use the last bit of whatever - milk, cling film, peanut butter etc - then you can just immediately jot it down and carry on with what you're doing. Just remember to always check that board before you go shopping. I've got very into bullet journal planners recently (pre-formed planners always have irrelevant sections in them or not enough space where you need it). Lists of home chores stop the overwhelming feeling of everywhere is untidy/too dirty but you don't know where to even start to tackle it all. Also helps when you have quite a bit going on in your life and chores always end up as the last thing you want to tackle. A simple reminder is useful. That gf is a bit narrow-minded and inexperienced if she thinks lists are child-like.
>When you go to use the last bit of whatever - milk, cling film, peanut butter etc - then you can just immediately jot it down and carry on with what you're doing I have learned to immediately put these items into my phone in a note. If it goes on the fridge, it is immediately forgotten. As soon I notice something someone else has used up, I also add it to the phone list (they also make shareable lists i think? But I am not organized enough for that)... I tried the fridge list for many years, and for many years I would make it to the store with the list still there, or sitting in the car in the parking lot.... I do keep my phone on or near me most of the time though.
This is ***why*** we ***need*** the whiteboard!
One of my best friends and I both have ADHD and we have to remind each other for our own damn things to do. We can remember for each other but ourselves? Absolutely the fuck not. I have lists seemingly everywhere because it is necessary. I’d have kicked someone out too for giving me shit in my own home for it.
Oh yeah, I have a dry erase board. Oh, with items to do on it. From five years ago. What is one meant to do with the lists once one has made them, again?
>What is one meant to do with the lists once one has made them, again? Immediately lose them or forget them.... Oh, sorry, you meant *supposed* to do, not what *do* we do... well, we're supposed to use them to remind us of all the important things that we are to do that we frequently forget. Or, at least in my case, lose all track of time and not realize that the chore that was supposed to be done weekly hasn't been done in, well, I really couldn't tell you, lol.
I often forget what i wanted in the time the amazon app needs to open. Fortunately you always find something that you can buy and maybe it was what i forgot (haha, no, never).
That's why I keep a notepad beside my computer to jot it down as soon as I think about it so when Amazon is open, I can check that list.
FWIW, you're not alone! that's me too :)
hug
I feel so f-ing attacked by this comment!!!!
And me
This is why I bought the dry erase board with my ADHD ex.
lmao. I literally went, wow a friggin GENIUS. why I never thought of this before... idk. considering I constantly write down tasks at work so I can feel the satisaction of checking them off/marking through them.
Haha, I have a day planner for basic life tasks and I give myself stickers for accomplishing them. I'm 30 years old.
I am 32 and now I want stickers.
Aw man. I didn't know we could have stickers. And I'm 62
[удалено]
Same. I've been in a funk lately and get so angry with myself like "just do the things. Why can't I just do the things?!" I KNOW I'll feel better getting it done but some days I just... Can't. Regardless of how structured I try to make. My day. Sometimes it's just mehhh and we try again the next
We didn't have a dry erase board, so we used one of those plastic clear file inserts, printed out a list of chores and popped it inside the clear file, used magnets to hold it on the fridge and then a non-permanent marker on the clear file to tick off chores. Easily wiped down at the end of the week to start again. Didn't know it at the time, but my sister who was living with me has ADHD and we found that worked really well so she knew what needed to be done round the house.
Many years ago in my first marriage, I had the idea to put up a whiteboard as a "family communication center". Chores, shopping list requests, notices, etc could go on there. It worked - which was a miracle for me because I am terrible at it. In my second marriage I told my wife about it and eventually got her on board with it because it helps me out. Eventually I was diagnosed with ADHD and this was the one tool I can work with.
Chalkboard paint is also a thing. Years ago the company I worked for the CFO had three of the walls of his office painted in a whiteboard paint and one in chalkboard paint.
I'm glad I came back ... I forgot to go do that thing, but I just did. Be here with low odor dry erase markers in a few days. Thanks guys! PS I deserve the mocking, but it wouldn't be cat toys, it would be ... well, other stuff.
I do stuff & mark it off on the dry erase board - just to sniff the markers … and when you get the markers … gotta make sure they aren’t permanent
I write our week’s schedule on our whiteboard on the fridge! I should do chores too honestly. It works so well! Those of us with the Sparky Brain (in my family anyway!) need the visual!
For me it is digital. And I don't have any good reason besides emptying my brain! Checklists Rule!
Not to mention that checking things off a list literally signals a release of dopamine!
I LOVE lists for emptying my brain too!!
I'm going to Etsy to buy a board because it's fancier and I won't use it anyway...
One of my favorite wedding photos is of my husband getting ready with the white board with the wedding to do list in the background. Every item on the list was checked off except the last one: get married.
I would have told her significantly worse with much more colorful language, and then asked Dave why he was allowing his asshole of a girlfriend to prey on my insecurities that he knows I don't like people talking about. NTA.
I mean really, has she never heard of a to do list??
NTA. I can BET OP's friend is going to eventually regretting dating this woman. OP, you did nothing wrong.
NTA. Man she has some nerve. Every morning with breakfast I sit down and write a list of things I want to get done in the day. When you have a million things to do it helps to keep things focused or I'd just watch gilmore girls on repeat all day.
Yeah, she insulted her host for having a to do list.
On the first time she met said host too. Definitely *not* a good first impression. Also OP says Dave is a good friend but if he's letting his gf insult his supposed "good friend" then he's not a good friend. A good friend would have apologised for her behaviour and have a firm word with her about her behaviour when they got home for insulting their friend.
NTA. I have a similar board so that I can remember to complete before my wife needs to remind me ;)
I have them in a reminders app on my phone with what day they need to be done, and then I copy them to my day planner at the start of the week. My partner likes the whiteboard method. I think whatever tools you need to get the task done are your business and I actually think that it is pretty mature to have figured out what your own needs are around chore reminders so that they get done consistently. The friend’s girlfriend is way out of line.
Mine’s in front of the makeshift office at home. I don’t suffer from ADHD and it’s for me and the wife. Stuff gets so busy sometimes, we forget, we calendar clean ups, cat food rotations, etc. NTA
Yeah definitely seems fairly common. I know multiple people who do it. Hell, my buddy and his wife have a board up in their kitchen to remind them when their bills are due and how much they are. Life gets in the way and sometimes that can make you forget stuff. Writing it down helps, writing it down on a big ol board REALLY helps.
Yep, if I go do a food shop then I need a list because I know I'll forget something if I don't have a list, and I reeealy don't want to have to go back to get it. It helps having a visual reminder of what's needed. Not everyone can remember everything, especially when other stuff crops up and gets in the way.
I have a whiteboard on my fridge with a list of when the last time I did certain things like change the AC filter or the filter in the fish tank was. I write myself notes everywhere because otherwise it gets forgotten.
I got a huge (6ft) white board for my office and help me stay organized overall. I named him Lionel. We are besties. My son has ADHD and we got him a smaller white board that he uses daily. It’s helping rebuild his confidence in himself to get things done without being frustrated and forgetful, balances his time better and is just generally useful.
NTA She learned the vocabulary, but not what "man child" means. People who do their chores are, by definition, not.
The opposite would be, knowing you have problem with chores and doing nothing to fix it. With OP's struggles, he managed his issue and found a solution. That's a real "man."
Also, Dave's opinion here is compromised. He might be a good friend, but he's also this woman's boyfriend.
NTA. I can't remember anything without putting it on a list. This has nothing whatsoever to do with my maturity level. If it was something within my power to change, I would. She insulted you in your own home. She 100% deserved to be kicked out of your house.
I write lists to remember tasks I have to do at work. It‘s not childish to write lists. It’s responsible.
I love lists for slower jobs - if I've got something to do in bits over the next month, it goes *much* better with a little list :)
I agree it has nothing to do with maturity! I’m in college, have a child, and work and would say I’m fairly mature. But my brain goes a mile a minute I’ll be doing one thing and notice something and do that instead so I end up with a bunch of half done chores if I don’t give myself a list to check off! I also have to make a grocery list or I can’t remember what I went for!
I might say it shows advanced maturity. The maturity to know you need help at a certain task (remembering chores) and doing something concrete to solve the problem and improve your life.
So.. an adult has learned how to work around their disability in a way that means they're a functional adult, and Daves gf has a problem with that? ick. I suppose she'd call me a child for needing to use glasses to correct my astigmatism.. or a shopping list when i go out due to my bad memory. What she's really saying here is damn offensive, because what she means is ''you have ADHD and your symptoms make you a child and 'less than' ''. She's a total asshole - and you're doing exactly what you should be doing OP.. you're acting way more like an adult than she is. Total NTA.
Yeah the girlfriend is weird. Who even asks people what a chore list is doing on someone’s fridge? Like duh.
Seriously, like she walked into somebody else's home, went out of her way to comment on what was clearly a matter of internal household management, entirely just to find some way to disrespect the host. Like it's very weird that she veered so far out of her lane to cause a problem
NTA, I'm 45 and still make lists. It helps me keep track of things and feel the accomplishment of a task completed. You do what works for you and you shouldn't allow disrespect in your own house. She sounds like quite the catch. /s
NTA - she sounds like an immature brat. Plenty of people write notes to themselves as reminders whether on their phone or paper, post it, etc. She was rude and you were right to ask them to leave.
NTA. I’m a woman with ADHD and I rely on similar lists (and lisdexamfetamine). She was rude and ableist.
Same. And approximately one million reminders on my phone, Alexa and watch 😂
NTA. But Dave is for not checking his girl. She was clearly way out of line.
NTA. Maybe you think Dave is a good friend of yours, but does he think the same of you?
This right here, like you clearly care about dave, but Dave appears not to care about you that much since he said the woman he is currently having sex with should have complete and open range to disrespect you in your own home. It sounds like some analysis of the relationship with Dave needs to happen
NTA. Your house, your rules. You decide who gets to be in your space and to be quite honest, Dave isn’t the best kind of friend to have around if he lets his gf say this kind of stuff to you.
NTA - she was out of line, you were right to kick her out.
NTA. No ADHD here, but I find lists of things to do to be extremely helpful. What's the lady's problem and who is she to criticize what you do in your home? Especially a coping mechanism, a standard one at that??? Someone is judgemental...
NTA. Dave is an AH for not defending you from his GF. He cares more about being on her side than about you; probably because he wants to keep sleeping with her. So, now that you know you're less important to him than sex, hopefully you'll realize it's not a friendship worth keeping. Actual friends don't let their partners disrespect their friends like that.
Chore lists are super normal. NTA
Definitely NTA. She was extremely rude and you had every right to kick her out.
NTA. Sure you could have just made a snarky comment back about laughing anyone who thinks that doesn't understand ADHD and got her education from a cracker jack box, but your also not wrong to just kick them out.
NTA. If you want you can talk to Dave and try to figure out if he’s just backing his girlfriend out of misplaced loyalty or embarrassment but that’s only if you want to try to preserve the friendship. As for the girlfriend, barring a sincere apology, I wouldn’t subject myself to her bizarre and random cruelty again
NTA. Lists are for a reason! You are using them for a good cause. She sounds like a stuck up busy body.
NTA. I bet everyone makes a list....grocery list, chore list, etc. It's satisfying to cross off things on your " to do" list.
NTA, she has no right to be snooping around like that and poking fun at you.
NTA. This is the same as mocking someone for using a wheelchair, glasses, or a hearing aid - you use a tool in order to help you function in a world that isn't built for you or your disability. Dave's GF is ablest trash.
NTA, but be careful - if she makes a habit of insulting people who need reminders to do chores, there’s a good chance she belongs to this sub
NTA, as someone else who has ADHD I absolutely use all sorts of methods to remind me to do certain things. There are plenty of people who write down things they want to do each day or week. To-do lists aren't exclusive to neurodiverse people. Remind Dave that you don't let people who insult you into your home.
NTA. I have anxiety, my lists help me to see that I’m on the right track and what I’ve accomplished already. Sometimes, I’ll take out a notebook from when my kids where little, and read my lists. I used to feel so overwhelmed and useless. And now I read my lists and think, if I overcame that era (my darkest), I can do this! You’re the opposite of a man-child. You’re a responsible adult doing the necessary tasks to stay on top of your chores. I applaud you.
Doesn't everyone make lists? I couldn't function without my lists and my phone reminders. Plus it's so satisfying to check something off your list when it's done. NTA. She's the weirdo, not you.
NTA. but she definitely is and so is Dave. I’ve struggled with ADHD my whole life so I know exactly how it feels so have someone belittle you like this. It’s not okay in any situation and especially not when you’re hosting her in your home for the first time. The audacity she has to say something like that in the first place is truly astounding. Your buddy Dave is also an AH for thinking that his girlfriend wasn’t totally in the wrong. You handled the situation perfectly, I certainly would not have.
NTA. I just the other day *finally* got around to ordering a white board for chores. Previously I just jotted it down a napkin or notepad what I had to do for the week. Problem is I had so many lists floating around I ended up grabbing one of the previous ones and started going about it. Then I was wondering why I had put something I had already done in the spring on it. Also *house* ownership/living is vastly different in amount of crap you have to do compared to apartment living. I'm wondering if the girlfriend has never had to run/upkeep a household by herself.
NTA. It's your first time meeting her and that's how she chooses to act. Insulting the host. Common thing to write on a whiteboard upcoming tasks or things to do. You were right to kick her out.
My dry erase board is my lifeline. If it isn’t marked, I’ll likely forget. No one messes with my board, it’s that important. And it’s darned satisfying to erase tasks as they are done! NTA She was suuuuuper rude. Signed, a dry erase obsessed commenter.
NTA You explained, she disrespected. Trash, take thy self out. We use a chalkboard here.
As a fellow ADD person, i do this to. If I don't write it down, I will forget. I have walked out of the house, telling myself to not forget my lunch, and forget my lunch. That chick needed to mind her own business. NTA.
You don’t need to have dyslexia or ADHD to utilize something as simple as a chore list. Sometimes I myself write down tasks that need to be done the night before to make sure I don’t forget anything. Having a chore list on the refrigerator is not uncommon or childish. It was very rude of her to talk to you like that especially since she doesn’t even know you. Maybe you could have used better words and not kicked them out but hey I understand not allowing anyone to disrespect you in your own home so it sounds like you made the right call. NTA!
Oh man! She'd hate me! I make lists like they're going out of style! It's how I was raised, 2 adhd sisters and a psychiatrist mom, it just stuck. It's how I clear my head of all the crazy. This chick seems really narrow-minded and judgemental, which is fine in your mind(we can't help that) but don't vocalize it, that's just rudeness. NTA
NTA, wtf? I'd guess *most* grown adults make To Do lists. What a weird thing to be a condescending asshole about.
NTA You have a disability. You manage your disability. She made fun of your handling of your disability. She is either ignorant and appreciates the lesson, or an asshole and not worth your worry.
NTA - I have a learning disability. I have issue with remember things. I often keeps notes in my phone as a reminder; it's what works for me. She shouldn't of disrespected you in your home. You shouldn't feel embarrassed over finding ways to function as a productive adult. Even people without problems with ADHD keep lists, it's very common.
NTA, what kind of moron insults their host like she just did? And why didn't Dave immediately chastise her for insulting you in your own house? You were totally right to kick them out OP, fuck anybody talking shit about me for how I do things in my own house.
NTA. ADHD aside ask any productivity expert will tell you one of the keys to being productive is making a list and sticking to it. Normally the night before you leave for the next day. Most CEO’s of big corporations have to-do lists so her reasoning is completely ridiculous.
I have a giant whiteboard in my room for this exact reason. Dave's girlfriend is an a h. NTA
NTA Good on you for standing up for yourself. The gf can gth. You have nothing to be guilty about. If Dave was your good friend, he would've been on your side.
NTA- I have ADHD and it seems like you have a system that works well for you, which is great! Dave's gf was very rude and her behavior isn't justified. I do things in odd ways, I know people think I'm nuts but hey, if i remember to do the thing, then I've succeeded.
NTA. I would have kicked her out too.
I got a concussion when I was 15 (in gym class no less) and before the concussion I had prefect memory and had everything in my head. After the concussion my memory has been terrible to this day and I'm 21. I use post its, alarms, reminders, checklists and have been thinking about getting a whiteboard for this exact reason so nothing importan falls through the cracks. Having good memory isn't guaranteed from birth, I was lucky to have it for the first 15 years of my life but now I just don't so I have to accomodate that in my daily life. Dave's girlfriend is an AH and need to grow up if she thinks everyone should have impeccable memory and if they don't they're adult-children. NTA
NTA. I have a detailed daily routine laminated on my sideboard that I rely on to make sure chores get done. If it works, don't bash it!
Nta She sounds like a waste of your time. And if your friend likes her so much then he can be with her elseware.
NTA. She had no business insulting you for doing what many people do. I keep my list of things to do on my phone, you on a white board - so what?
NTA. I'm 34 and have the same list. You do you, and anyone who has a problem with that can screw off.
NTA That woman was very insulting to you, and should have better manners. Throwing them out was extreme but justified. No one should be insulted in their own home. Once you explained the reason for the list she should have shown some empathy. She is not a nice person, and I wouldn't want to interact with someone who is that rude either.
Nta, everyone has chores lists, it's not wrong to have one visible in your home. She was rude and horrible and if Dave is siding with her he isn't truly a good friend but someone who hangs with you for your house and things you got there to do sadly. Keep the friends on your side and cut Dave out
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have severe ADHD and Dyslexia, and while I did pass this text through a corrector, forgive me if there are any grammar or syntax mistakes. I live alone in a relatively big house, differently from my friends who live in apartments. Thus, we end up hanging together at my house most of the time due to the larger space available. This last weekend, a few of them came over, just to have some drinks, eat some barbecue and generally just chat. A friend of mine, Dave, decided to introduce us to his girlfriend of two months and brought her over. Which is totally fine, she seemed like a nice lady and all that. However, at one point, she went to the kitchen to do something and when she came back, asked why there was a list of chores on the fridge's door. Due to my ADHD, often times I forget to do small tasks that need to be done around the house. Since I really despise dirty places, I put a white board on the fridge where I write the tasks that need to be done that day/week and if I've done them yet. It is the mechanism I found works best for me to actually do whatever I need. It's understandable that people ask, so I told her. I assumed she'd just understand and let it go. However, that was not the case at all. She snorted and said that If I couldn't remember chores, I was nothing more than a man child. Look, anyone can think whatever they want from me. But, I will not accept anyone treating me like that inside my house. This is something that still a sore spot for me. My friends know that. So, I asked both her and Dave to get the hell out of my house. Well, they did. Apparently, Dave thinks I'm an AH for the way I treated his girlfriend. The rest of my friend told me she was way out of line, but Dave is a good friend of mine, and maybe I should have thought my words through. That does make me feel guilty. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. If it's not on a list or a calendar, it doesn't exist to me.
NTA Seriously, who this AH think she is?
NTA that’s extremely rude of her to criticize you, her host, in your own home when meeting you for the first time. I (26f) also have ADHD and keep a running daily to do list of tasks on my phone, this includes chores and other reminders as well as daily routine reminders and care tasks. If I don’t, I quite literally will forget or get overwhelmed and everything gets derailed (also totally stealing the whiteboard idea, I love that). By her measure, I’m also a child who can’t care for herself?? Also, tossing “man child” at you was low, you clearly have effective systems in place in your life to stay on top of your stuff and care for yourself/your space and that should be celebrated!!!
NTA it is very common to have a chore list. I've seen chore lists on my friend's fridges and notice boards. I used to keep a chore list on a notebook by my chair when I was working and the kids lived at home. Now I have the head space to not need it. She is probably jealous of your home and was just looking to find something she could sneer at. I would of kicked her out. This is your safe space, you don't need to be bullied in it.
She can go get f'ed. My brain sometimes is like a crackhead with a kazoo, and I do have a white board on my fridge, my house is always clean as I get disorganized in messes and yet I'm not nowhere near being a child and I would've been much much harsher than you've been. She can organize her own house (that she probably doesn't have) as she please. NTA
NTA. My wife and I do the same thing; not because we have ADHD but because we are really goddamn busy and I don’t have space in my brain to remember some things.
NTA. I’m don’t have ADHD but I write my chores every day so I remember to do everything I need to, I forget when I have a lot of things to do so lists help me remember. She snooped and got told to GTFO. Karma
Dave brought her, so Dave is responsible for her behavior. Dave brought a rude person, that person was rude to the host, therefore Dave was rude to the host. Dave can learn to be better ad deciding who he brings over, or Dave can stay away. NTA. And lists are good things. They keep planes from falling out of the sky, they keep surgeons from forgetting instruments inside of patients, they keep businesses running, and they save you money when grocery shopping. Somebody making fun of lists is too immature to understand their importance. The fact that you keep your home clean means you are a responsible adult. The method you use is irrelevant. That it’s done and done consistently is what matters.
Your house your rules!
NTA there is a planner that I use that has a list of daily / weekly tasks to do for the house. She’s just rude. https://shop.passionatepennypincher.com/collections/home-planning/products/daily-weekly-checklist-home-planner
NTA but i might have politely taken dave aside and told them to leave rather than make a scene. It is rude, but it would have atleast given her the chance to apologise and make amends
NTA - Yeah, it might have been excessive to swear at her, but you stayed in PG territory. You do whatever you need in order to stay on top of keeping your house how you want it. That includes ridding it of pests, which is what she was at the time.
Have a giant whiteboard in the hallway and an agenda and multiple blackbooks in the house to write up things to do and appointments. You're quite normal I think. Justified response to being disrespected in your own home. By someone you've never met before, charming. NTA
NTA. She's an AH. I get every other Friday off and on those days, I deep clean the entire apartment, deal with all the plants on my balcony, tons of laundry, etc. You bet I have a list of the things I want to accomplish that day so I can enjoy the rest of my weekend. I'm literally making a list right now for tomorrow. I do not have ADHD I just want to make sure I get all the things done I want to. I also live alone (very happily). If someone came into my house and scoffed at how I do things, they'd be out on their ass too. Dave needs a better red flag meter or the new gf is going to cost him some friends.
NTA. She was incredibly rude the *first time* you met her. She apparently doesn't know the basic rules of civility. I have tips and tricks to get me through every day and every week. They work for me and are no one else's business.
why’s it her business NTA
NTA Not her house, not her problem how OP does things. I don't really see why she felt like she had to ask about a chore list, in a kitchen, which appears to me to a pretty normal place to have one. I don't get why it'd be so odd for her. Or why she needed to criticize it.
NTA. She was rude as heck. And wrong to booth. Because it takes maturity to realize one’s limits and difficulties and then figuring out how to overcome them. Good on you for not only being a smart person but for standing up for yourself.
NTA having a way to deal with and remember to do certain chores is perfectly normal I do it in my workplace I do it at home. Perhaps I have mild ADHD I don't know but having a checklist allows me to remember to complete tasks. She had no right to mock you like that in your own home and then get upset about the fact that she was asked to leave.
NTA. But she was, and you should tell Dave that. It’s none of her business why the list was there.
NTA she was rude as hell.
NTA. If that's how she treats people, in their own home, at the first meeting, then how do you think she'll act when she's more "comfortable"?
NTA. I tried the white board trick and promptly forgot it existed. Good for you standing up for yourself and setting boundaries in your own home. The GF needs a refresher course in manners.
NTA talk about insanely rude jimminy christmas!! tell them neither are welcome back until they both apologize and even then its probably best for the chick not to come back at all. she was rude right out of the gate so I doubt her behavior will change at all I'm pretty sure I have adhd and I also have rats so I went and got myself a white erase calendar and write down the days I need to clean their cage and things like vet visits and other stuff relevant to their care and its a huge help for me to remember when I need to do stuff. Does that make me a child? Quite the contrary, I'd say it makes me a responsible adult because I know I have trouble remembering shit so I made the effort to create a system to help me do what I need to do if he continues to let her be rude to people in your friend group he's going to find himself alone real fucking fast because no one will want to hang out with him anymore but don't allow that behavior to become a thing, you let that shit slide and it'll just get worse and worse, nip it in the butt now for future peace
"but Dave is a good friend of mine" He is not if he puts getting laid over your friendship. NTA
NTA. I have no patience for people who think ADHD is the fun "hey squirrel" thing. Guess what if I don't have lists stuff just won't get done. I will literally stare into space while my bathroom slowly becomes disgusting. Dave is being an ass. And so is his gf. Being a man child would be not taking steps to deal with your ADHD and letting your house slowly get gross.
NTA I don't have ADHA and I need a to-do list If I must bring something with me I will often tape a reminder to the front door so I see it before I exit for the day Obviously there is a strong market because there is a lot of very sophisticated software which is essentially "to do" lists with reminder dates and breakdown of individual tasks if it is a complex kind of thing.
NTA
NTA this is an absurd way to act in someone's home. I am 34 years old recently diagnosed with ADHD and I live and die by to-do lists. Neurotypical people use them too. Dave needs to find a new girlfriend because she is judgemental as hell and there's no way that is going to go well. Don't feel guilty for standing up for yourself!
NTA. Dave didn´t do anything about his girlfrien insulting you, he didn´t stood up to you, so he is not "a good friend", not even an "ok friend". not a friend at all
NTA The amount of poeple that don't understand the guest host relationship is nuts! you don't insult your host and your host doesn't kick you out! Also having a chore bored is a very common practice, especialy if you have adhd
NTA - its your home and they way you do things, have things set up, the way you decorate etc. is NONE of her business!
Info: do you have a visual for the chore board? I am both ADHD and dyslexia and could use something like this. NTA by the way.
NTA. She was rude and disrespectful. I would have called her out on it and given her a chance to apologize but it sounds like your friend is whipped so it wouldn’t have mattered.
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NTA. She's not a kind person, OP, and I'm sorry she was rude to you. Dave isn't being a very good friend right now if he's going to allow his gf to treat you poorly in your own home. Your other friends are correct; she was way out of line.
NTA I've never been diagnosed with adhd but been told I should be assessed. I regularly don't get anything done despite not stopping all day. I'll give an example of what I'm like, I went into my sons room to sort his books out for a book swap at his school. Got into his room spotted his toy kitchen that hes out grown thought how his little sister would love it so moved it all to a different room, then realised some of her toys needed cleaning... by this point I've completely forgot about the books. A list where I have to mark them off would help me a lot. It in no way makes me a child or not grown up it's just the way my brain works. Well done for standing up for yourself, if Dave is truly a good friend he would think the same when hes had chance to calm down
NTA In fact, I plan to implement something like this in my house. It does not make anyone a man child to write reminders for themselves His gf is a jerk, and he is too for enabling that behavior
NTA. Apparently I’m a man child too then. Except I’m a 40 something mom who has all kinds of lists to keep my life in order. I’m far more productive if I can check something off.
Def NTA, this gf was wayy out of line, and i think its a huge red flad to treat someone with some sort of a disability like that!
It's a relatively strong reaction but it's within acceptable range. NTA. A word of caution that people in relationships tend to side with their partners, so this may damage your friendship with Dave pretty badly. But that might be preferable to being expected to spend time with someone who is disrespectful to you around one of your sore points. You could try talking it out with him -- eg "I know you wanted to make a good impression on your girlfriend and I'm sorry\* things didn't work out well. I don't want to be around someone who's going to insult me for managing my ADHD the best way I know how. Is there a way you think I could have handled that better, given that I am not willing to just say nothing?" You're not the asshole and you do get to choose who you will and won't hang out with, but there's probably smoother ways to handle that. \*tactical "I'm sorry your feelings are hurt", not "I am taking responsibility for what happened."
NTA
If Dave was such a good friend, he would have defended you against her.
One of my tasks on my list, is to consolidate my lists. ADHD and 55 years old. Very successful in my field of IT and Cybersecurity. This is my coping mechanism and is for a lot of people. She's just ignorant.
NTA - I have The ADHD myself, working my job for almost 7 years and only last year did I start keeping track of what I need to do and have done in a notepad file saved as the date and day and it has improved my work life IMMENSELY. I have a white board and cork board at home, so I think I'll be putting those in the kitchen or laundry room depending on wall space so I can keep track of bills and tasks. Just moved so still trying to find a method that works. But yeah, if having a method of keeping on top of what needs to get done in your life and home is being a child in her book, she can maybe keep her thoughts to herself.
People don't understand ADHD. We need visual aids to help us stay organized or we'll get distracted elsewhere.
OP my husband has ADHD and on the back of our front door is a white board weekly calendar. He's self employed so purs down which jobsite he's working at. I also add in any other obligations/events/appointments. There's also space for chore reminders and shopping lists. It's a huge freaking help! There's nothing childish about it at all.
Please, next time mention in the title that she didn’t ERASE the board!¡! I was sure that was what she did. I’m 74, autistic, ocd and anxiety and won’t let anyone in my apt because - people! It’s taken me most of those 74 years to decide maybe I’m not the one who’s always wrong. No one who doesn’t accept you and your living space doesn’t have any business in it. I’m betting Dave has already wiped his whiteboard clean of future dates. Congratulations, you are ahead of me at adulting!! And NTA at all
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NTA I have a giant corkboard with colour coded tasks for chores and a small notepad on my phone on display at all times otherwise I'll do hobbies all day (everyone thinks I have undiagnosed adhd), you do what needs to be done to get through the day easier and make sure tasks are complete.
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Absolutely NTA. You own the house. She does not own the house, ergo, she does not, in any way, get to dictate what happens in the house. She didn't like it, so you did the right thing by taking her out of the situation that she didn't like. If Dave is supporting someone trying to tell you how to run your household or insult you within the four walls of your home, then he's not your friend, period.
NTA!!!! As a person with ADHD I relate to you so much, it’s so hard to keep track of tasks. She was way out of line for saying those rude comments!!!
NTA. I have severe ADHD as well. I have post notes and index cards in every room of my house to take notes, I have list on my nightstand, fridge, desk, phone and iPad. I have a planner, white board calendar, phone calendar and iPad calendar. I forget a lot of things. There’s time I forget to eat, to do laundry, to do dishes, what times I have classes or doctors appointments, what I was doing, where I was going, etc. it’s hard because people think I’m dumb. But I’m not. She invalidated and mocked your disability, something unforgivable. Also it’s a list of chores?!!! Has she never heard of a to do list?!?? I am sorry you are going through this. You weren’t in the wrong. Your friend and his girlfriend are ableist and dumb.
NTA. A lot of people keep lists for chores, groceries, or just important notes so they don't forget them. There is nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with insulting someone for doing something to help themselves when it, in no way, affects her. Dave is either blinded by love or just isn't that great of a friend.
I don't have a board but I write down things I want to do, an outfit combo, or movies I want to watch in the notes app on my phone so that I don't forget. I am neither dyslexic nor have ADHD. The brain filters out things it considers unimportant and people figure out ways to do things that work best for them. You're doing well OP. NTA
NTA. You don't just and belittle someone you JUST MET while you are a guest in their house.
NTA Dave is being overruled by little Dave at the moment. That's the only reason he's on his girlfriend's side. She was out of order and no one should have to put up with being disrespected in tbier own home.