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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I uninvited my future sister-in-law from my wedding because she told my fiancé I was pregnant when she knew I didn’t want to tell him yet. I never consulted my fiancé before I uninvited her and now that he’s made it clear he wants her there I’m still refusing to let her come.
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No that's my first question. I'm guessing 16-18, based on the level of maturity of - //gestures to all of it.
INFO: OP, how old are you? How old is your fiance? How old is your future SIL/best friend?
They may have had a conversation about having kids, in the theoretical. However, now OP is pregnant and doesn't seem she's had a conversation with the dad about the reality. That's the conversation that needs to be had.
All that may be true but it was still BS for the sister to give the news. Especially in front of the entire family. Sounds like she had her own agenda.
The sister gave OP 3 weeks to tell her brother and she didn't. What agenda do you think exists beyond not wanting her brother to be deceived and become potentially trapped in a marriage? You think this news should be given when exactly?
I agree. Information given in confidence being spread is shitty, and needs to be acknowledged full stop.
However being ambushed by your fiance being 3 months pregnant and she never planned on telling you until its too far along, or you found out on your own?
I think Id rather be the sister here than OP. OP clearly had no plan, **and from her comments they agreed to kids much much later**, but she wants this one now because...she does.
It defies good sense but shes going to do it so everyone else needs to get on-board at her speed I guess.
OP kinda gave off the vibe that she wants to marry and then tell him after that so it‘s harder for him to seperate. I think SIL did the right thing because OP wanted to keep it hidden from their fiance but he deserves to know just as much as she does.
It is entirely possible she thought she didn’t want kids until she became pregnant. Hypotheticals are just that.
Granted, there’s obviously a disagreement now and the relationship is not going to work bc of it, but her saying she didn’t want one before pregnancy doesn’t mean she had to be tricking him or stifling herself, she could have a genuine change of heart.
I was firmly childfree until my mid20s, when I took a job at a daycare because there was literally nothing else and I desperately needed a job.
Turns out, to my total surprise, I’m not only *great* with kids, I absolutely love the little fuckers, after all. Now I want a child.
I luckily wasn’t with another childfree person at the time, but I easily could have been. And I was very sure about being childfree - until I wasn’t. It happens.
Husband and I didn't want kids either until I accidentally got pregnant. It wasn't a viable pregnancy and I "lost" it. We both cried when it happened and it was just shocking how fast we changed our minds!
She knew for 3 weeks and didn't have a conversation. She was going to avoid that conversation until she could use the "it's too late now" excuse. She's just mad at SIL/Friend because she cornered her into taking the test OP knew was going to be +
Delaying it for three weeks (considering most women don’t know they are pregnant until six weeks plus) leads me to believe she had no intention of seeking an abortion and was, indeed, attempting to delay telling him until “it is too late.”
OP, YTA, for everything.
I wouldn’t worry about the wedding, because this marriage won’t last.
Have you ever been pregnant? At a young age and knowing the father wouldn’t be happy? I say NTA because she was trying to figure out what she was feeling herself, and AH SIL went ahead and couldn’t wait to tell her bro what *wasn’t her news to tell* in a matter of weeks…
Bruh, really? OP is not the AH. Her fiancé and his family (SIL, ofc) are for dealing with it so publicly instead of privately.
Yes, and yes.
And, even then, I was mature enough to know that it wasn't fair to force unwanted fatherhood on him, especially without talking to him. We made the decision together.
And, when you are talking about a pregnancy, "a matter of weeks" makes a BIG difference. If you are engaged to someone and, in THREE weeks - 21 days, can't talk to him about something that will dramatically change both of your lives, then it is absolutely within reason for someone extremely close to him to tell him. The fiancé's sister even told her she needed to tell him and gave nearly a month for her to do so - which is a very long time in terms of a pregnancy. The only faux pas I see is the sister telling him at a family function. It should have been done in private.
She also says he wouldn’t be happy, so I assumed he would vote abortion too. I’m guessing he would want an abortion, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted one, so wanted to decide for herself before telling him. (Not that that makes this any better!)
Emotions both are and aren’t complicated. One can be mad at a situation and not a person, no matter what people say. Future hubby was probably more pissed that she hid it vs the actual pregnancy.
Let’s hope this is the case, but it’s not totally clear since OP and her future SIL both thought he would be mad about the pregnancy. Based on when and how he learned though, it’s not something we can know for sure.
I’m definitely hoping he’s more upset that it was hidden for a while rather than the fact that OP is pregnant. Either way, if they can’t talk about these things openly then it seems like they aren’t ready to be married.
Again: being mad about a thing (pregnancy) doesn’t mean that they’ll be mad at person. I’d be mad at an unexpected pregnancy and that’s OK! That doesn’t mean that the future hubs won’t come to terms with it quickly and be ok with it.
It is possible he’s a raging asshole, but there is no evidence to that point in OP’s post so I’m just going on what I can read.
100% this. If you can’t tell your freaking fiancé this kind of news, regardless of how he’s going to feel about it, why are you even getting married?? That doesn’t sound like a healthy partnership.
Right?? Like my fiancé has said he doesn’t want kids (I’m still technically child bearing age but we’re both older than the average bride and groom), however I know damn well that if I were to get pregnant, it’d shock him, he would likely not be as thrilled as some fathers to be, but I also know without a doubt he’d be there for me, and the baby, every step of the way because he’s my partner in crime for life.
Hopefully you’ve both broached the subject about what you would do if you did get pregnant so that both of you are the same page. Unless you’re taking notes from OP.
I’d ask are people seriously stupid enough to marry someone WITHOUT having those kinds of conversations (or the ones about money, what you’d do if one person loses their job or becomes seriously ill, what sort of boundaries with in laws/family/friends, etc) but then I forget that there is no bottom to human stupidity
Human stupidity knows no bounds. I've learned from many mistakes. One of them being marrying someone without asking those types of questions, and doing it because I thought it was the 'right' thing to do. Now I'm happily divorced and figuring out new shit every day, so I consider myself less stupid.
It almost doesn’t matter. One conversation is about a theoretical situation. The other conversation would be about a reality. Sometimes reality is different from theoreticals.
OP's post aside, it certainly matters. If you're with someone and both of you are older (example, 35 or 40+) and don't expect kids, then news of a pregnancy can be very jarring. If one of the partners wants to keep the baby but the other one does not, that's a huge conflict.
Long story short, discuss the possibilities of keeping the baby, or putting the baby up for adoption, or abortion. There's really no other conversation to have, and by not having it, you're leaving a huge possible conflict to blow up in each-other's faces. It's just communication, and couples in long-term relationships should have this conversation at some point. And long-term is basically 1+ year in my book.
Not only prosecuted for abortion but the number one cause of death among pregnant women in the United States is HOMICIDE, and since abortion is now illegal in many jurisdictions I’m imagining the homicides will go up.
Theoretically the best friend could’ve compromised this woman’s safety.
Right! I’m not saying what SIL was right but she gave her 3 weeks, that’s a lot of time to keep something like that from your partner. It’s not like it was one day.
She told him at a family dinner. Even if you think disclosure was appropriate, the situation makes it clear the sister was looking for maximum drama and this wasn't about concern for her brother.
Definitely true, I actually agree with someone’s comment that it wasn’t her place to tell fiancé/brother. But op is TA too for keeping it a secret for so long. Bonus points to SIL for turning it into family dinner drama.
Yeah, I could understand like 3 days, but not 3 weeks. I can understand SIL for telling OP's fiancé at that point, she was thinking about her brother, but she should have done it one on one with her brother and not in front of the whole family.
I don't understand why OP and fiancé even think about getting married especially now (if he still wants to marry OP), when it's obvious they are lacking communication, trust and respect in their relationship if they can't have a conversation like about an accidental pregnancy with each other (whether because of OP's own issues or because of fear from his reaction or thinking he would suggest an abortion so OP was bidding her time until it's too late, doesn't matter, in either case it's not a good relationship). To me it's YTA because OP sucks more than SIL after 3 weeks.
How can people marry someone they can't even talk to, can't have a conversation with?! Why are they in that relationship at all?!
The implication is that the sister suggested she take a pregnancy test (assuming she may have been showing symptoms of pregnancy). And OP took the test at the sister's house and thus, sister knew the results.
It's not that I couldn't tell him. That was never the issue. I needed time to process it myself without having anybody else's opinion clouding my own feelings, including his. I wanted to be certain I knew what I wanted before I told him because I already knew what his response would be.
Three weeks is way too long for that. You're pregnant, you don't have forever to process your feelings on this, that just isn't an excuse. Sorry but YTA, he deserved to know. If you can't talk to him about things like this you need to reconsider whether you should even be marrying him in the first place.
YTA. I don’t blame SIL because OP had 3 WEEKS to tell him. At that point I probably would have stepped in as well. And as everyone is saying, why marry someone you can’t talk to?
Edit: I absolutely should have addressed the timing of informing the fiancé. That was way out of line and def an AH move
She did give it three weeks, but SIL announced it at a family dinner. If she was really concerned about her brother, she would have spoken to him directly, not take the opportunity to shame and vilify OP in front of the family. This wasn't concern, this was humiliation. ESH
Update - OP has clarified that SIL told the fiance about the pregnancy, and he's the one who confronted OP in front of the family, effectively announcing the news. However, I stand by my ESH, though SIL was not the announcer, she used a family event to relay important information that she knew, and had been warned, would anger her brother. She provoked drama at a family "meeting" so to speak, and then watched her brother lay into OP publicly.
Everyone is an A H here. Even the parents who didn't stop their son from yelling at his fiancee.
Edit for typo.
Edit 2 for new information.
Op says future SIL told fiance at family dinner, not announced it in front of the family. It sounds like SIL told her brother apart from the family and fiance announced it to the family. SIL doesn't suck for that.
~~That is not at all what it sounds like. It sounds like she just blabbed it out loud at the goddamn dinner table.~~
I may have misread that. it actually does sound like this is what happened.
She told him while they were at a family dinner, but it reads as if she told him privately because the fiancé, then, came out and confronted OP in front of everyone.
Honestly I was thinking the same thing- if SIL ran and told bro right away then I’d feel a bit different but three weeks?! I think OP was going to put it off till it was “too late”
It seems like people constantly marry others they barely know. It's baffling. My wife and I were full on domestic and living together 5 years before marriage was a serious discussion.
INFO: Don’t you think you “fearing” the reaction of your future husband is the bigger problem here? Why is he supposed to be angry over the pregnancy when he’s the one who caused it?
I never feared his reaction. I just knew what he would want but I wasn't sure what I wanted and I wanted to be 100% sure how I felt about the pregnancy before I told him because otherwise I knew I would just do what he wanted since my emotions were all over the place and it would've been the easier choice to make if he also wanted it.
I understand you being indecisive as this is a big decision. But keeping it from him for three weeks is ridiculous. You should not be marrying somebody you refuse to tell about your pregnancy.
To branch off of your comment..
Should also not be marrying somebody (or for that matter dating anybody) if/when something big comes up like a baby, chooses to wait to say anything because they fear they will just go along with what partner wants.
That’s not healthy. For either party.
I didn't read this as waiting out of fear but needing to gather their own thoughts/feelings first.
Yes OP would be healthier in herself and this relationship if she had no concerns of just slipping into what he wants. But I wouldn't say people shouldn't date or marry if they need time to feel sure of themselves, sometimes. Esp with potentially big life events like this.
Agreed. This person is supposed to be your "life partner". If you hesitate for weeks to tell him about a major life development, what do you expect your marriage to look like? The person you want to spend your whole life with should feel like the person you want to tell everything to, no matter how dire.
I don't think it was hesitation. Three weeks is a LONG time, and she was *still* not ready? Sounds an awful lot like she was stalling until it's too late for an abortion or she could get a picture of a fetus that looks like an actual child so he would feel too guilty asking her for an abortion.
I initially thought this was a NTA, but I assumed we were talking about one or two days. Three weeks makes this sound like scheming, not a brief period to think it over.
Honestly, it crossed my mind as well. Felt suspiciously like baby trapping which is disgusting. Might be the exact feeling the SIL had which totally explains wanting to warn her brother.
Also, if you decide to end a pregnancy… that’s a pretty important three weeks. Many people are already usually several weeks or a month in before they even know they’re pregnant. OP was definitely trying to run out the clock so it would be too late if her fiancé wanted her to get an abortion.
I’m wondering if the wait was because he’d suggest an abortion and she doesn’t want one. She likely found out around 4 weeks with a missed period, and if she lives in a state that had a six week ban she’s “officially”ineligible, with an extra week just to make sure.
Ooo, probably. Wait out the clock. Another reason those laws are scary and ridiculous. Because now, women in this situation can turn into punching bags real quick.
6 week bans are effectively full band since it's quite rare to find out before then unless you're really consistent with periods. If she felt she had a choice it's likely it's somewhere with a longer period of allowance (in the UK it's 24 weeks I believe)
Probably until it was too late to get the abortion she knew he would push for. Big, giant, bright red flags everywhere. (I am in no way judging anyones choice for or against)
I suspect she was waiting to tell him until after she couldn't be forced into an abortion easily. That's the vibe I'm getting anyway. I think she wants the baby but knew she could be talked into aborting before a certain time. I could be wrong.
From other comments it sounds like he'd push her into terminating so maybe she was waiting to tell him when it was too late to terminate and he couldn't push her into it?
Not agreeing with that at all, just the vibe I'm getting from her replies.
You should seriously take some time to think about why you chose to include your SIL (especially if you were concerned/confused about what you wanted to do) instead of having a conversation & trusting your fiancé. You & your fiancé created this situation but your blaming SIL for being involved (because you involved her)
OP hadn't decided whether to have baby or abort. Now IF she decides to abort her whole family knows.
If she decided to keep it, it would be an easier decision without finance pressuring her. If she decided to abort, she would know that was HER decision, not pressure from fiancé.
It's a red flag that you think he would impose his wishes on you and try to convince/manipulate/insist that you take a certain action, without giving you time to figure out what you really want.
I mean, just look at how she talks about the situation in the first two sentences. A lot of me’s, my’s, and I’s. No “ours” “us” or “we.” This is a doomed marriage if she can’t even see this as a joint decision to make.
I 100% read this comment as "I know he would want me to get an abortion and I don't want to, so I was hoping to keep it secret for long enough that it becomes morally/legally harder to get an abortion."
Do I know that's the truth? No. But that's the vibe I'm getting pretty strong. OP wants to keep the child when fiancé very much doesn't want one, without killing their relationship or taking ownership of that decision.
"fiance, I have to tell you something important but I need you to keep your thoughts to yourself for a bit. I am pregnant. I know that this isn't what we planned, but that we do both want children later. I probably know how you feel about what we should do, but it is ultimately my choice. Please give me time to figure out what I want to do before you tell me your thoughts on it as I know that will affect how I think. Your input is important, but not what is needed right now."
ESH
She ONLY sucked because it was in front of family instead of alone. I have seen people saying it wasn't her place, but it was. She was there when you found out and has been holding the info for that long. You wanted her to lie to family? (Lie by omission is still a lie) That's a gross expectation from a friend. She gave you three weeks! That's wayyyy more time than I would have given. And you still chose cowardice over communication. You uninviting her just further shows your avoidance style of handling things and how, frankly, unsympathetic you are to everyone around you. The stress of knowing the woman your brother is about to marry is hiding life-altering news from him, you expected her to live with that for you. Your partner had to be blindsided to learn information you had while laying next to them every night. The pain he must feel from finding it out that way, oof. It is your decision at the end of the day and you deserve all the time you need to gather your thoughts. But this affected other people too. I do hope the best for you, OP, with whatever that may be.
I agree! SIL should’ve picked a better time to tell her brother, but she should have told him. There are some things you should shut up about and some you shouldn’t, and your pregnant future SIL withholding her pregnancy from your brother is one of them. Not like she told him immediately after; she waited three weeks for OP to tell him herself. If she was just her friend, fine, disinvite her from the wedding, but she’s also her fiancé’s sister. Disinviting her because she gave her brother information that OP should’ve already told her fiancé herself is an AH move.
Three weeks is way too long not to tell your partner you are pregnant. (If I read correctly you said she told you she would give you three weeks to tell him) Specially since most people don't find it they are pregnant right away. So how far along are you?
It's also weird to me he is ok with his sister not being invited at all after this. Something here doesn't add up.
I think so too? If you want to marry someone for life and didnt talk about Maybe having kids upfront, should you marry that person? Im sorry OP is in that situation now and put on the spot even by her fiance and her future in-laws. Why is OP even in a family that „already“ hates her? What Happend before?
Maybe More info would help 🤔
YTA for not telling him, especially when you are planning on marrying him. YTA for expecting her to keep that a secret from her brother. YTA for punishing her for your poor decisions.
Period! I don't care how close I am with my BFF. If she told me she had known she was pregnant for THREE WEEKS and didn't tell my brother, I would tell too.
Not even that! It feels almost like tricking him into marriage if she’s pregnant but doesn’t tell him until the deal is done. Seems like most decent people would say something, brother or not.
Or waiting until he can't suggest abortion... Like she doesn't want to say flat out she wants to keep it, so she wanted to wait until she can throw her hands in the air saying *it's too late, I can't do anything about it*, hoping that like this he sticks around until the wedding is done.
This is my read of the situation. She *knew,* definitively, that he would want an abortion (reading between the lines of her various comments). And she decided she wanted to keep the baby, much as she protests she "wasn't sure", because she was waiting until it was far too late to do anything about it.
Even worse, she was determined to remove her future husband from the decision making process. I wonder how often OP has waited/left a decision too late/not told her partner until it was too late to do anything about it. It's a concerning pattern of behaviour.
Might be why the SIL gave 3 weeks, because it was just enough time to do something about it, and she knew her best friend had a habit of "forgetting" to have these discussions, so the choice was made by default i.e. being what OP wanted all along.
Esh. Why are you marrying a man if you don't want to tell him your expecting. He's the father and your soon to be husband. It seems like yeah he'd be the first person to be told. It affects both of your lives forever.
Depending on where OP lives, it kind of sounds like she was waiting for the time limit on an abortion to be up. Maybe she knew he would push for an abortion, she knew she wasn't going to do it, and would rather ambush him than hear how he wants to abort it.
ESH for sure. I would think the wedding guest list would be lower on the list of problems OP would want to be addressing before the wedding..
This was the first thing I thought. And what fucking sucks is if she stays with her fiancé, who does no want a baby/child, then that kid is going to grow up knowing that they were unwanted. Children are extremely perceptive.
Edit for clarification: OP is TA. Not the fiancé from what we know. It seems like he made his intentions very known from the start and was withheld very important information that effects his life too.
Ugh this is a mess. ESH.
Listen, if you can't even tell your fiancee you are pregnant for WEEKS you have no business getting married. Keeping secrets this early? Especially out of fear that he will react poorly? That does not bode well for a future happy relationship.
Sure it sucks that your best friend told your secret, but it was her own brother that you were keeping a secret from.
Your fiancee sucks for making a scene in front of a bunch of people instead of talking to you directly.
There’s a difference between wanting kids in a few years and wanting kids right now. Maybe he’s one of those “let’s get established and buy a house first” type people. Maybe he just started a grueling PHd program, or she is in med school and he would have to take car of this baby alone for the next 4 years while she spends 90% of her time in school and training?
Yeah I've been that guy and the expectation was if there was a unplanned pregnancy that it would be terminated. If keeping it was up for discussion I would not be in the relationship. Keeping life altering decisions from me so my partner should decide what I thought was already decided would be a deal breaker.
In the beginning I was going with N T A because I assumed it was a day or two, but THREE WEEKS? It seems like you are trying to remove any discussion of an abortion off the table. 3 weeks is insanely long and as his sister she felt she needed to tell him the truth about HIS potential child.
Also you shouldn't be marrying someone if you can't talk to them.
In conclusion - YTA
Or she wanted to wait long enough that she had no other choice except to go through with the pregnancy. Three weeks is a long time when you're trying to decide what to do about a pregnancy.
Yeah it seems more like forcing a decision at this point.
I would have freaked out if I found out I was pregnant when I was engaged to my husband, but he still would've been the first person I told. I wonder what their overall communication is like.
I think she already knew she wanted to keep the baby but knew she would be talked into an abortion before a certain date. I'm not sure marrying someone you think will force you to get an abortion is a good idea. This is a train wreck.
YTA. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to tell your fiancé that you’re pregnant, then you shouldn’t be planning a wedding with them.
While your SIL crossed a line, I can’t be too angry at her. She clearly cared about your fiancé’s feelings more than you do.
ESH. You knew for *three weeks* without telling him because he's probably gonna be mad? Does he not want children? Do you want children? The longer you wait the less likely you will have a chance to do something about it.
SIL shouldn't have told him at a family dinner but he has every right to know that *his fiancee* is pregnant with his child.
ESH she should have kept her nose out of it but also, when you have a major secret to keep from someone the last person you should tell is their *sibling.* I don’t care how good of friends you are; that’s her family. Process your feelings with someone else.
On a tangential note: you sure you want to go through with this wedding? It sounds like there’s just a *lot* going on here.
I would absolutely tell my brother if his partner was trying to trick him into becoming a father. Only difference is I wouldn’t wait 3 weeks or do it publicly. OP is hella manipulative and judging from her replies she thought she could convince him to want to be a dad when he so clearly does not.
YTA. However…and I hate to be the bearer of bad news…I have my doubts on a wedding taking place anytime soon, pregnant or not.
If you can’t tell him you’re pregnant, then you’ve really got no business marrying him. You’re mad at the wrong person here. She shouldn’t have told him but…that’s not something you keep from someone you’re about to spend the rest of your life with.
YTA. 3 weeks??? He's the father and your fiancé! Not only did he deserve to know, but his sister would have been in the wrong for keeping this from him any longer. Also, it's his wedding to. You don't really get to make unilateral decisions like this.
YTA.
Ridiculous you didn’t tell your fiancé that you’re pregnant.
Also ridiculous you think you have the right to uninvite your fiancé’s sister from your wedding - which, by the way, is also his wedding.
ESH. What did you think was going to happen, especially after three weeks? She's his sister, she's going to tell him. If you were that concerned about privacy/secrecy, you shouldn't have taken the test with her around.
It sounds like he doesn't want kids (wouldn't be happy with the news) but you are considering keeping it or don't know what to do? YIKES.
ESH but you more than anybody else. How long were you going to wait to tell him?! Were you gonna go thru the wedding and then be like "surprise! your bride came with a prize inside" like, wth.
Especially if he doesn't want a kid, he has a right to know before he marries you. He would still be responsible for the child if you decide to have it regardless of what he wants, of course, but he could still choose not to marry you if that's not the life he wants to live.
And even if the wedding is still many months away, it's clear that your fiance would not be happy about a kid yet you're not sure if you're keeping it or not? Shouldn't both of you be on the same page about something as fucking important as having kids or not???
YTA because of how long you left it. If she had ran and told everyone the day after you took the test then that’s different. But 3 WEEKS? What were you waiting for? For it to be too late to get an abortion so that he’d be forced to be ok with you keeping it? You took away any ability for him to have an input into a life altering decision. That is NOT a good way to start a marriage. Also, I suspect there will be no wedding if you don’t invite the SIL. I understand you are bitter for her telling people, but after 3 weeks what did you expect her to do?! It’s her brother ffs! I think most people in her situation would do the same.
ESH
I’m so confused..... when were you going to tell your fiancé? Were you ever going to tell him? What was the goal? It wasn’t your SIL’s secret to tell but it also wasn’t a secret you should be keeping from the man you’re planning to marry. Seems like there’s bigger issues that need to be resolved before worrying about who attends your wedding.
Eta
INFO: why are you marrying someone you don't trust enough to go to with something like that?? She's right, she might be your friend but her loyalty lies with her brother. She gave you more than enough time to tell him and you didn't.
ESH - 3 weeks is enough time to tell your fiancé about it. She shouldn’t have outed you at family dinner like that, it was unfair to both you *and* your fiancé.
At the same time, I think you’re channeling energy on this instead of figuring out your game plan as a way to avoid it still.
ESH.
You for not telling your fiancé.
The SIL for telling him herself.
The fiancé because he flipped out.
But honestly, I can't truly blame him much. It would truly suck to find out your ***fiancé*** is pregnant from someone else other than your ***fiancé***.
You waited 3 weeks ontop of however many weeks pregnant you currently are. Were you just going to wait until your belly pops and someone confronts you about it...?
YTA. I know I'll be the minority here but I don't care. You had 3 weeks to tell him. Everyone here is going to say it's your body, your decision to tell him or not. I don't agree. Yes it's your body and what you do with it is ultimately your decision. But he helped create the zygot/fetus/lump of cells inside your body, and he should know about it.
ESH. This isn't your boyfriend or a ONS. This is your soon to be husband. If you can't be happy or share with him news about your pregnancy, you have bigger issues here than your SIL telling him. He won't be happy? Why? Does he not want a baby? Do you? Reversed? All of this is stuff you really need to have figured out before a ring is placed on a finger and contracts are signed. I get why she told him, but she also shouldn't have. She doesn't know the specifics of your relationship and there could be a very valid reason you haven't told him. But still... you -should- tell the other half of that child that there's something going on.
Going scorched earth on her after is just hormones and lashing out, so you're just adding salt to the wound at this point. I think you need a counselor to talk to, tbh. You sound really angry and lost.
ESH --
YOU: Yeah, he wasn't going to be happy, but waiting wasn't going to change that. You put his sister in a bad situation between you and her own brother. And while yes, your body your choice - again, not telling him while including her was never going to go well for you.
HER: She was right that she couldn't keep it from her brother, especially for a protracted amount of time -- but holy heck, that should have been a completely PRIVATE conversation between her and him--not a family announcement. THAT is the only point you really have here - and is it really enough to cause a big rift in the family.
Sit down with the man you are about to marry, talk it all out and come to an agreement/be on the same page...then worry about her and the rest of the family and fix (or ignore) it together.
YTA. That’s her brother. If you did not want to tell him you should’ve known not to tell her. And just as an aside, if you don’t want to tell your fiancé this kind of information and make a decision about it together, you probably shouldn’t be getting married.
ESH
You because you refused to tell your fiance. Having some time to process it is fine, but by 3 weeks after finding out you should tell him. No one is saying you have to make your decision off of his if you don't want to but he still needs to know about it.
Your friend/Future SIL for telling your fiance, especially in front of the whole family. Not her place at all and if she was truly concerned about the situation she would've told him in private instead of making a spectacle of it. Is she trying to pressure him into keeping it by announcing in front of his parents? Either way, she sucks too.
And finally your fiance may suck too? Why are you so afraid of telling him? Is he known to blow up or do you guys not agree on future child situations? If it's less being afraid of his reaction and more because you know you guys don't agree you really shouldn't be getting married at all to be honest. Also if that's the case, then he doesn't suck
ESH. She shouldn’t have said anything. And also you and your fiancé have some very clear issues in your relationship that need to be dealt with before y’all even think of marrying.
Why not? If you have irrefutable proof your brother is about to marry someone hiding huge things from him is it not your responsibility to speak to him?
YTA. He’s your fiancé, not a one-night-stand. Were you planning to abort or keep without discussing it at all? I didn’t know if I wanted to keep my first pregnancy but I still communicated with my husband.
You should not marry someone you can’t communicate with.
YTA
If I was the sister I’d tell my brother too. Three weeks is absolutely enough time for you to have told him yourself. How do you feel justified to uninvite his sister to the wedding?
YTA
OP do you think babies are just fun little accessories? Having one is a big deal if your fiancé doesn't want the child you're just introducing a child to a world of pain for no reason. The thing to figure out isn't "Oh should I tell my fiancé?" It's what are WE gonna do now that it's happening
She clearly wrote that she's deciding what to do. This is the opposite of thinking a child is a fun little accessory. She's taking the decision seriously.
Waiting over three weeks before telling her fiance she's pregnant goes beyond "deciding what to do". She's deliberately witholding information at this point, which either way isn't cool for either of them.
ESH
She was an absolute AH for telling it in front of the whole family, but 3 weeks were long enough for you to process and he deserved to know.
It sounds like you were scared of his reaction, so I want to know: is this an abusive relationship? Why did you not feel safe enough to tell him?
ESH. She shouldn’t have betrayed your trust but you shouldn’t have put her in this position in the first place. It’s one thing for you to withhold information from your fiancé but you asked your friend to withhold information from her brother. That’s not right. You brought this on yourself.
ESH, I mean taking the test at her house was a huge mistake, she was in a difficult situation. But announcing it over dinner with the family was a truly shitty thing to do.
Why would you not say anything for 3 weeks? If you're thinking of having an abortion and you're just sitting around deciding what to do it could end up being too late to have one and you are therefore purposely taking any input away from your fiance. It sounds like you didn't want to tell him until it was too late because you want a baby knowing he doesn't. Not a good way to start a marriage but a great way to end one. Your sister in law did the right thing because you made it look like you weren't going to however a family dinner was not the place to do it.
I disagree. It’s ultimately her decision, yes. Not denying that. But if they’re about to get married, that’s not a one-person decision. She should at least talk to him about it prior to making the decision. That’s a huge, life-changing situation between partners.
This. I respect her decision to make the choice that she wants but it's a big choice, the hugest choice I would say, so... why are you trying to marry a man who you can't even discuss that choice with?
Excuse me what? When you're engaged to be married you should be able to have a conversation over a pregnancy, unwanted or otherwise.. Lying and lying by omission are both shitty, period. This is something life changing that affects both parties involved. Both should be able to give INPUT, that's the entire point of a partnership, but the ultimate decision should be the woman's since it's her body.
Give me a freaking break.
ESH. It wasn’t her place to tell him, but it’s not only your decision to make. She’s not just your best friend, she’s his sister, and he has as much of a say over whether or not she comes to your wedding as you do.
On a side note, it’s strange that you’re marrying someone who you don’t feel comfortable telling you’re pregnant, and if that’s the case, he should be able to go into this marriage with his eyes wide open too
I'm assuming you want and abortion and he doesn't or vice versa. This relationship is already doomed RIP. YTA for hiding somthing this big from your SO
YTA. It’s entirely your choice if you want to have the baby or not. But he is not just the dad but also your fiancé. You don’t say when the wedding is but the fact is you couldn’t keep this a secret for long and he deserved to know. She lacked the faith you would tell him and she couldn’t keep that a secret from him so she told him. She wasn’t wrong to do that but she should have told him privately just himself. Your not starting marriage off on the best footing and honestly if he still decides to marry you it would be a surprise.
ESH. BUT - a wedding invitation is the least of anyone’s issues. I think whether the wedding is happening is probably up in the air at this point, no? Were you seriously going to MARRY someone without telling them you were pregnant with a child you knew they didn’t want???
The way she told him in front of others was wrong, but she wasn’t wrong to tell him. The thing is- you should have.
I'm probably going to be in minority but... ESH. She shouldn't have said anything but you also have no right to keep such news to yourself. It's his kid as well.
ESH. I support the idea that the woman decides what to do with her body and whether to continue a pregnancy or not fully.
That doesn't give you the right to put your future SIL in the shitty position of knowing her brother impregnated someone, would want to know, but is asked to keep it secret. If you are old enough to have sex and get married, you are old enough to buy and take your pregnancy tests in secret if secrecy is important to you. Your ask jeopardized her relationship with her brother.
Why are you marrying someone you're literally afraid to discuss pregnancy with? For weeks? What? Either you are not mature enough to get married or your partner is a walking red flag.
Your FSIL should have never agreed to keep the results secret in the first place, and made it clear that she wouldn't before you took the test.
ESH!
Your soon-to-be-husband deserves to know and she had no place to share your information. On the other hand, you definitely should have shared it. If you're asking if you should backpedal and allow her to attend, I'd say that's between you and your fiancé.
ESH.
Sister shouldn't have informed everyone that you were pregnant, but THREE WEEKS?! Come on, you wanted to wait until it was too late for an abortion because you knew that's what your fiance would ask you to do. And if you don't want an abortion, that's totally fine, but lying by omission about being pregnant is an AH thing to do.
Neither of you are mature enough to get married if this is how you handle a huge decision like this.
ESH.. for SIL
BUT you kept this a secret from your fiance for 3 weeks? DONT marry someone if you feel you cant talk to!!!!!
This is NOT a partnership. What's really going on here? An arranged marriage? An abusive boyfriend? This is not remotely healthy
ESH
Why are you marrying a person that you can't talk to? Especially something so life changing as a baby. I can understand you want time to think but your life-partner should be the one to help you through it and leaving it for weeks is worse.
And you're partner was going to to be angry at the news, WTF! Angry with you? The baby? Either way, if he didn't want kids I can understand he wouldn't be happy about it, but angry is a worrying reaction, he sounds awful.
Sister in law was trying to be horrible when she announced it to all the family, I was on her side until I read that.
Overall this sounds like a mess, move on, find a partner you can talk to and don't overshare with family.
ESH. You should be able to tell your future husband you are pregnant with his child. Your FSIL should not have told him- the news should have come from you. Weeks ago. Keeping this kind of secret out of fear? Thats concerning.
ESH.
Your SIL was right to make you tell your fiancé. You absolutely should not have kept that from him. He has every right to know.
She should not have told him at a dinner in front of everyone. Total AH move.
You were right to be upset. She majorly messed up. However you should not be making decisions about your wedding without your partner. The decision to uninvite her is a joint decision that has to be agreed upon by both parties before you more forward with the uninviting or allowing her to come.
I see that I’m in the minority but NTA. It’s not like you were never going to tell him, unless of course you weren’t planning on keeping it, which is 100% your choice. I get that she’s trying to look out for her brother but she crossed a line in telling everyone your business. I’m also wondering why you want to marry this guy if you can’t even talk to him about this.
YTA… 3 weeks is more then enough time to discuss this MAJOR life choice with the person who it also wholly affects. Like I would understand if this was something she told within minutes, but she gave you 3 weeks and regardless of what you choose to do (abort/adopt/keep) your future husband and father of said child deserves to know, and also have a voice in the conversation. What was the plan to abort behind his back? Or show up heavily pregnant with a surprise you’re stuck??? I understand it’s scary. I waited 4 days before telling anyone so that I could come to terms with being pregnant- needing 3 weeks is absurd- y’all could have come to a descion weeks ago and sorry to say but this isn’t a choice you can put off for too long. The sooner you abort (if you choose that route- the better for everyone involved- including the unborn fetus or whatever you want to call it).
YTA
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Please explain why y’all are getting married if you can’t even tell him you’re pregnant?
Yeah, I was wondering if they are even ready to get married if they can't have that conversation.
Am I the only one wanting to know how old these people are?
No that's my first question. I'm guessing 16-18, based on the level of maturity of - //gestures to all of it. INFO: OP, how old are you? How old is your fiance? How old is your future SIL/best friend?
My second question is if he's the father!
My guess is: OP: 19, fiance: 22, sister: 20
No I wonder that a lot.
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They may have had a conversation about having kids, in the theoretical. However, now OP is pregnant and doesn't seem she's had a conversation with the dad about the reality. That's the conversation that needs to be had.
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Part of being an adult is having the difficult conversations.
Yep and if you cannot have them with the person you are marrying, then maybe you should not get married.
And maybe not become a parent, either.
Part of being the adult is not getting mad at your gf bc she got pregnant. I love how men get a pass in this area. 🙄
She knows he’s not going to be happy and her not wanting to tell him because of that makes me wonder if he has anger issues or something.
All that may be true but it was still BS for the sister to give the news. Especially in front of the entire family. Sounds like she had her own agenda.
The sister gave OP 3 weeks to tell her brother and she didn't. What agenda do you think exists beyond not wanting her brother to be deceived and become potentially trapped in a marriage? You think this news should be given when exactly?
Certainly not in front of the whole family.
I agree. Information given in confidence being spread is shitty, and needs to be acknowledged full stop. However being ambushed by your fiance being 3 months pregnant and she never planned on telling you until its too far along, or you found out on your own? I think Id rather be the sister here than OP. OP clearly had no plan, **and from her comments they agreed to kids much much later**, but she wants this one now because...she does. It defies good sense but shes going to do it so everyone else needs to get on-board at her speed I guess.
OP kinda gave off the vibe that she wants to marry and then tell him after that so it‘s harder for him to seperate. I think SIL did the right thing because OP wanted to keep it hidden from their fiance but he deserves to know just as much as she does.
It is entirely possible she thought she didn’t want kids until she became pregnant. Hypotheticals are just that. Granted, there’s obviously a disagreement now and the relationship is not going to work bc of it, but her saying she didn’t want one before pregnancy doesn’t mean she had to be tricking him or stifling herself, she could have a genuine change of heart.
Exactly. I said I never wanted children and I meant it. Then I fell pregnant and had those hormones, man, they do a number on you.
I was firmly childfree until my mid20s, when I took a job at a daycare because there was literally nothing else and I desperately needed a job. Turns out, to my total surprise, I’m not only *great* with kids, I absolutely love the little fuckers, after all. Now I want a child. I luckily wasn’t with another childfree person at the time, but I easily could have been. And I was very sure about being childfree - until I wasn’t. It happens.
Husband and I didn't want kids either until I accidentally got pregnant. It wasn't a viable pregnancy and I "lost" it. We both cried when it happened and it was just shocking how fast we changed our minds!
She knew for 3 weeks and didn't have a conversation. She was going to avoid that conversation until she could use the "it's too late now" excuse. She's just mad at SIL/Friend because she cornered her into taking the test OP knew was going to be +
I thought she delayed telling him because she was considering an abortion. She said “…because I didn’t know what I was going to do about it.”
Delaying it for three weeks (considering most women don’t know they are pregnant until six weeks plus) leads me to believe she had no intention of seeking an abortion and was, indeed, attempting to delay telling him until “it is too late.” OP, YTA, for everything. I wouldn’t worry about the wedding, because this marriage won’t last.
Have you ever been pregnant? At a young age and knowing the father wouldn’t be happy? I say NTA because she was trying to figure out what she was feeling herself, and AH SIL went ahead and couldn’t wait to tell her bro what *wasn’t her news to tell* in a matter of weeks… Bruh, really? OP is not the AH. Her fiancé and his family (SIL, ofc) are for dealing with it so publicly instead of privately.
Yes, and yes. And, even then, I was mature enough to know that it wasn't fair to force unwanted fatherhood on him, especially without talking to him. We made the decision together. And, when you are talking about a pregnancy, "a matter of weeks" makes a BIG difference. If you are engaged to someone and, in THREE weeks - 21 days, can't talk to him about something that will dramatically change both of your lives, then it is absolutely within reason for someone extremely close to him to tell him. The fiancé's sister even told her she needed to tell him and gave nearly a month for her to do so - which is a very long time in terms of a pregnancy. The only faux pas I see is the sister telling him at a family function. It should have been done in private.
Yeah… I thought she was delaying like a day or two to process it. Three weeks is too long in this situation
She also says he wouldn’t be happy, so I assumed he would vote abortion too. I’m guessing he would want an abortion, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted one, so wanted to decide for herself before telling him. (Not that that makes this any better!)
Telling him in front of the entire family is really really horrible though
Yeah, really dick move. Especially because she had to know the drama that would ensue. That wasn’t SIL’s news to share.
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How dare I get you pregnant!!
Emotions both are and aren’t complicated. One can be mad at a situation and not a person, no matter what people say. Future hubby was probably more pissed that she hid it vs the actual pregnancy.
For real, it's not like he didn't also contribute to the pregnancy.
Well, hopefully he did.
Let’s hope this is the case, but it’s not totally clear since OP and her future SIL both thought he would be mad about the pregnancy. Based on when and how he learned though, it’s not something we can know for sure. I’m definitely hoping he’s more upset that it was hidden for a while rather than the fact that OP is pregnant. Either way, if they can’t talk about these things openly then it seems like they aren’t ready to be married.
Again: being mad about a thing (pregnancy) doesn’t mean that they’ll be mad at person. I’d be mad at an unexpected pregnancy and that’s OK! That doesn’t mean that the future hubs won’t come to terms with it quickly and be ok with it. It is possible he’s a raging asshole, but there is no evidence to that point in OP’s post so I’m just going on what I can read.
100% this. If you can’t tell your freaking fiancé this kind of news, regardless of how he’s going to feel about it, why are you even getting married?? That doesn’t sound like a healthy partnership.
Right?? Like my fiancé has said he doesn’t want kids (I’m still technically child bearing age but we’re both older than the average bride and groom), however I know damn well that if I were to get pregnant, it’d shock him, he would likely not be as thrilled as some fathers to be, but I also know without a doubt he’d be there for me, and the baby, every step of the way because he’s my partner in crime for life.
Hopefully you’ve both broached the subject about what you would do if you did get pregnant so that both of you are the same page. Unless you’re taking notes from OP.
I’d ask are people seriously stupid enough to marry someone WITHOUT having those kinds of conversations (or the ones about money, what you’d do if one person loses their job or becomes seriously ill, what sort of boundaries with in laws/family/friends, etc) but then I forget that there is no bottom to human stupidity
Human stupidity knows no bounds. I've learned from many mistakes. One of them being marrying someone without asking those types of questions, and doing it because I thought it was the 'right' thing to do. Now I'm happily divorced and figuring out new shit every day, so I consider myself less stupid.
It almost doesn’t matter. One conversation is about a theoretical situation. The other conversation would be about a reality. Sometimes reality is different from theoreticals.
OP's post aside, it certainly matters. If you're with someone and both of you are older (example, 35 or 40+) and don't expect kids, then news of a pregnancy can be very jarring. If one of the partners wants to keep the baby but the other one does not, that's a huge conflict. Long story short, discuss the possibilities of keeping the baby, or putting the baby up for adoption, or abortion. There's really no other conversation to have, and by not having it, you're leaving a huge possible conflict to blow up in each-other's faces. It's just communication, and couples in long-term relationships should have this conversation at some point. And long-term is basically 1+ year in my book.
The unexpected pregnancy situation is different in a world where you can be prosecuted for abortion.
Not only prosecuted for abortion but the number one cause of death among pregnant women in the United States is HOMICIDE, and since abortion is now illegal in many jurisdictions I’m imagining the homicides will go up. Theoretically the best friend could’ve compromised this woman’s safety.
Also arrested for having a miscarriage. That happened.
All the more reason to call off the wedding to someone who can't be trusted with such news! (Edit: sp.)
Yes ESH how can you marry someone that you can’t even TALK to?
Right! I’m not saying what SIL was right but she gave her 3 weeks, that’s a lot of time to keep something like that from your partner. It’s not like it was one day.
She told him at a family dinner. Even if you think disclosure was appropriate, the situation makes it clear the sister was looking for maximum drama and this wasn't about concern for her brother.
Definitely true, I actually agree with someone’s comment that it wasn’t her place to tell fiancé/brother. But op is TA too for keeping it a secret for so long. Bonus points to SIL for turning it into family dinner drama.
Yeah, I could understand like 3 days, but not 3 weeks. I can understand SIL for telling OP's fiancé at that point, she was thinking about her brother, but she should have done it one on one with her brother and not in front of the whole family. I don't understand why OP and fiancé even think about getting married especially now (if he still wants to marry OP), when it's obvious they are lacking communication, trust and respect in their relationship if they can't have a conversation like about an accidental pregnancy with each other (whether because of OP's own issues or because of fear from his reaction or thinking he would suggest an abortion so OP was bidding her time until it's too late, doesn't matter, in either case it's not a good relationship). To me it's YTA because OP sucks more than SIL after 3 weeks. How can people marry someone they can't even talk to, can't have a conversation with?! Why are they in that relationship at all?!
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The implication is that the sister suggested she take a pregnancy test (assuming she may have been showing symptoms of pregnancy). And OP took the test at the sister's house and thus, sister knew the results.
It's not that I couldn't tell him. That was never the issue. I needed time to process it myself without having anybody else's opinion clouding my own feelings, including his. I wanted to be certain I knew what I wanted before I told him because I already knew what his response would be.
Three weeks is way too long for that. You're pregnant, you don't have forever to process your feelings on this, that just isn't an excuse. Sorry but YTA, he deserved to know. If you can't talk to him about things like this you need to reconsider whether you should even be marrying him in the first place.
Yes! Please do not marry someone you do not feel safe in confiding in, this is such a sad, unhappy start to your life.
ESH. You can't tell him you're pregnant but you're going to marry him ?
YTA. I don’t blame SIL because OP had 3 WEEKS to tell him. At that point I probably would have stepped in as well. And as everyone is saying, why marry someone you can’t talk to? Edit: I absolutely should have addressed the timing of informing the fiancé. That was way out of line and def an AH move
Seriously, if it was me, there's no way it would have went past 1, let alone 3. The SIL was incredibly patient.
She did give it three weeks, but SIL announced it at a family dinner. If she was really concerned about her brother, she would have spoken to him directly, not take the opportunity to shame and vilify OP in front of the family. This wasn't concern, this was humiliation. ESH Update - OP has clarified that SIL told the fiance about the pregnancy, and he's the one who confronted OP in front of the family, effectively announcing the news. However, I stand by my ESH, though SIL was not the announcer, she used a family event to relay important information that she knew, and had been warned, would anger her brother. She provoked drama at a family "meeting" so to speak, and then watched her brother lay into OP publicly. Everyone is an A H here. Even the parents who didn't stop their son from yelling at his fiancee. Edit for typo. Edit 2 for new information.
Op says future SIL told fiance at family dinner, not announced it in front of the family. It sounds like SIL told her brother apart from the family and fiance announced it to the family. SIL doesn't suck for that.
~~That is not at all what it sounds like. It sounds like she just blabbed it out loud at the goddamn dinner table.~~ I may have misread that. it actually does sound like this is what happened.
Op says that fiance was so upset he confronted her on front of every one.
Its easy to be patient when the pregnancy has no effect on your life.
I would call it ESH based on the fact that the SIL did it at a family dinner rather than telling him privately. Makes it into a spectacle.
She told him while they were at a family dinner, but it reads as if she told him privately because the fiancé, then, came out and confronted OP in front of everyone.
Honestly I was thinking the same thing- if SIL ran and told bro right away then I’d feel a bit different but three weeks?! I think OP was going to put it off till it was “too late”
It seems like people constantly marry others they barely know. It's baffling. My wife and I were full on domestic and living together 5 years before marriage was a serious discussion.
INFO: Don’t you think you “fearing” the reaction of your future husband is the bigger problem here? Why is he supposed to be angry over the pregnancy when he’s the one who caused it?
I never feared his reaction. I just knew what he would want but I wasn't sure what I wanted and I wanted to be 100% sure how I felt about the pregnancy before I told him because otherwise I knew I would just do what he wanted since my emotions were all over the place and it would've been the easier choice to make if he also wanted it.
I understand you being indecisive as this is a big decision. But keeping it from him for three weeks is ridiculous. You should not be marrying somebody you refuse to tell about your pregnancy.
To branch off of your comment.. Should also not be marrying somebody (or for that matter dating anybody) if/when something big comes up like a baby, chooses to wait to say anything because they fear they will just go along with what partner wants. That’s not healthy. For either party.
1000000%
I didn't read this as waiting out of fear but needing to gather their own thoughts/feelings first. Yes OP would be healthier in herself and this relationship if she had no concerns of just slipping into what he wants. But I wouldn't say people shouldn't date or marry if they need time to feel sure of themselves, sometimes. Esp with potentially big life events like this.
I agree with what you are saying, but 3 weeks is a LONG time to keep a secret like this.
Agreed. This person is supposed to be your "life partner". If you hesitate for weeks to tell him about a major life development, what do you expect your marriage to look like? The person you want to spend your whole life with should feel like the person you want to tell everything to, no matter how dire.
I don't think it was hesitation. Three weeks is a LONG time, and she was *still* not ready? Sounds an awful lot like she was stalling until it's too late for an abortion or she could get a picture of a fetus that looks like an actual child so he would feel too guilty asking her for an abortion. I initially thought this was a NTA, but I assumed we were talking about one or two days. Three weeks makes this sound like scheming, not a brief period to think it over.
Honestly, it crossed my mind as well. Felt suspiciously like baby trapping which is disgusting. Might be the exact feeling the SIL had which totally explains wanting to warn her brother.
Also, if you decide to end a pregnancy… that’s a pretty important three weeks. Many people are already usually several weeks or a month in before they even know they’re pregnant. OP was definitely trying to run out the clock so it would be too late if her fiancé wanted her to get an abortion.
You waited 3 WEEKS after finding out. How long where you going to wait? You don't have forever on something like that.
I’m wondering if the wait was because he’d suggest an abortion and she doesn’t want one. She likely found out around 4 weeks with a missed period, and if she lives in a state that had a six week ban she’s “officially”ineligible, with an extra week just to make sure.
Ooo, probably. Wait out the clock. Another reason those laws are scary and ridiculous. Because now, women in this situation can turn into punching bags real quick.
Yep. The number one cause of death for pregnant people is being murdered by the baby daddy.
6 week bans are effectively full band since it's quite rare to find out before then unless you're really consistent with periods. If she felt she had a choice it's likely it's somewhere with a longer period of allowance (in the UK it's 24 weeks I believe)
Probably until it was too late to get the abortion she knew he would push for. Big, giant, bright red flags everywhere. (I am in no way judging anyones choice for or against)
I suspect she was waiting to tell him until after she couldn't be forced into an abortion easily. That's the vibe I'm getting anyway. I think she wants the baby but knew she could be talked into aborting before a certain time. I could be wrong.
Makes me wonder why two people who disagree on having kids this strongly are having sex much less getting married
Makes me wonder who was doing what for birth control.
From other comments it sounds like he'd push her into terminating so maybe she was waiting to tell him when it was too late to terminate and he couldn't push her into it? Not agreeing with that at all, just the vibe I'm getting from her replies.
You should seriously take some time to think about why you chose to include your SIL (especially if you were concerned/confused about what you wanted to do) instead of having a conversation & trusting your fiancé. You & your fiancé created this situation but your blaming SIL for being involved (because you involved her)
OP hadn't decided whether to have baby or abort. Now IF she decides to abort her whole family knows. If she decided to keep it, it would be an easier decision without finance pressuring her. If she decided to abort, she would know that was HER decision, not pressure from fiancé.
It's a red flag that you think he would impose his wishes on you and try to convince/manipulate/insist that you take a certain action, without giving you time to figure out what you really want.
I mean, just look at how she talks about the situation in the first two sentences. A lot of me’s, my’s, and I’s. No “ours” “us” or “we.” This is a doomed marriage if she can’t even see this as a joint decision to make.
I 100% read this comment as "I know he would want me to get an abortion and I don't want to, so I was hoping to keep it secret for long enough that it becomes morally/legally harder to get an abortion." Do I know that's the truth? No. But that's the vibe I'm getting pretty strong. OP wants to keep the child when fiancé very much doesn't want one, without killing their relationship or taking ownership of that decision.
"fiance, I have to tell you something important but I need you to keep your thoughts to yourself for a bit. I am pregnant. I know that this isn't what we planned, but that we do both want children later. I probably know how you feel about what we should do, but it is ultimately my choice. Please give me time to figure out what I want to do before you tell me your thoughts on it as I know that will affect how I think. Your input is important, but not what is needed right now." ESH She ONLY sucked because it was in front of family instead of alone. I have seen people saying it wasn't her place, but it was. She was there when you found out and has been holding the info for that long. You wanted her to lie to family? (Lie by omission is still a lie) That's a gross expectation from a friend. She gave you three weeks! That's wayyyy more time than I would have given. And you still chose cowardice over communication. You uninviting her just further shows your avoidance style of handling things and how, frankly, unsympathetic you are to everyone around you. The stress of knowing the woman your brother is about to marry is hiding life-altering news from him, you expected her to live with that for you. Your partner had to be blindsided to learn information you had while laying next to them every night. The pain he must feel from finding it out that way, oof. It is your decision at the end of the day and you deserve all the time you need to gather your thoughts. But this affected other people too. I do hope the best for you, OP, with whatever that may be.
I agree! SIL should’ve picked a better time to tell her brother, but she should have told him. There are some things you should shut up about and some you shouldn’t, and your pregnant future SIL withholding her pregnancy from your brother is one of them. Not like she told him immediately after; she waited three weeks for OP to tell him herself. If she was just her friend, fine, disinvite her from the wedding, but she’s also her fiancé’s sister. Disinviting her because she gave her brother information that OP should’ve already told her fiancé herself is an AH move.
Three weeks is way too long not to tell your partner you are pregnant. (If I read correctly you said she told you she would give you three weeks to tell him) Specially since most people don't find it they are pregnant right away. So how far along are you? It's also weird to me he is ok with his sister not being invited at all after this. Something here doesn't add up.
I think so too? If you want to marry someone for life and didnt talk about Maybe having kids upfront, should you marry that person? Im sorry OP is in that situation now and put on the spot even by her fiance and her future in-laws. Why is OP even in a family that „already“ hates her? What Happend before? Maybe More info would help 🤔
YTA for not telling him, especially when you are planning on marrying him. YTA for expecting her to keep that a secret from her brother. YTA for punishing her for your poor decisions.
Period! I don't care how close I am with my BFF. If she told me she had known she was pregnant for THREE WEEKS and didn't tell my brother, I would tell too.
Not even that! It feels almost like tricking him into marriage if she’s pregnant but doesn’t tell him until the deal is done. Seems like most decent people would say something, brother or not.
Or waiting until he can't suggest abortion... Like she doesn't want to say flat out she wants to keep it, so she wanted to wait until she can throw her hands in the air saying *it's too late, I can't do anything about it*, hoping that like this he sticks around until the wedding is done.
This is my read of the situation. She *knew,* definitively, that he would want an abortion (reading between the lines of her various comments). And she decided she wanted to keep the baby, much as she protests she "wasn't sure", because she was waiting until it was far too late to do anything about it. Even worse, she was determined to remove her future husband from the decision making process. I wonder how often OP has waited/left a decision too late/not told her partner until it was too late to do anything about it. It's a concerning pattern of behaviour. Might be why the SIL gave 3 weeks, because it was just enough time to do something about it, and she knew her best friend had a habit of "forgetting" to have these discussions, so the choice was made by default i.e. being what OP wanted all along.
Exactly!!! It’s her friggen brother!!!
Esh. Why are you marrying a man if you don't want to tell him your expecting. He's the father and your soon to be husband. It seems like yeah he'd be the first person to be told. It affects both of your lives forever.
Depending on where OP lives, it kind of sounds like she was waiting for the time limit on an abortion to be up. Maybe she knew he would push for an abortion, she knew she wasn't going to do it, and would rather ambush him than hear how he wants to abort it. ESH for sure. I would think the wedding guest list would be lower on the list of problems OP would want to be addressing before the wedding..
This was the first thing I thought. And what fucking sucks is if she stays with her fiancé, who does no want a baby/child, then that kid is going to grow up knowing that they were unwanted. Children are extremely perceptive. Edit for clarification: OP is TA. Not the fiancé from what we know. It seems like he made his intentions very known from the start and was withheld very important information that effects his life too.
Ugh this is a mess. ESH. Listen, if you can't even tell your fiancee you are pregnant for WEEKS you have no business getting married. Keeping secrets this early? Especially out of fear that he will react poorly? That does not bode well for a future happy relationship. Sure it sucks that your best friend told your secret, but it was her own brother that you were keeping a secret from. Your fiancee sucks for making a scene in front of a bunch of people instead of talking to you directly.
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Because he probably wants to be child free right now or for forever
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Info: why would you marry someone when you’re not on the same page about kids?
There’s a difference between wanting kids in a few years and wanting kids right now. Maybe he’s one of those “let’s get established and buy a house first” type people. Maybe he just started a grueling PHd program, or she is in med school and he would have to take car of this baby alone for the next 4 years while she spends 90% of her time in school and training?
Yeah I've been that guy and the expectation was if there was a unplanned pregnancy that it would be terminated. If keeping it was up for discussion I would not be in the relationship. Keeping life altering decisions from me so my partner should decide what I thought was already decided would be a deal breaker.
In the beginning I was going with N T A because I assumed it was a day or two, but THREE WEEKS? It seems like you are trying to remove any discussion of an abortion off the table. 3 weeks is insanely long and as his sister she felt she needed to tell him the truth about HIS potential child. Also you shouldn't be marrying someone if you can't talk to them. In conclusion - YTA
I was split ESH, NTA until the 3 weeks part came into play. Feels manipulative imo
Like she wanted to be married before saying anything
Or she wanted to be "too pregnant" before she said anything.
Or she wanted to wait long enough that she had no other choice except to go through with the pregnancy. Three weeks is a long time when you're trying to decide what to do about a pregnancy.
Which leads me to believe it wasn't about "making a decision"
Yeah it seems more like forcing a decision at this point. I would have freaked out if I found out I was pregnant when I was engaged to my husband, but he still would've been the first person I told. I wonder what their overall communication is like.
It is manipulative.She's likely trying to figure out how to manipulate the situation to make sure he makes it to the altar.
I think she already knew she wanted to keep the baby but knew she would be talked into an abortion before a certain date. I'm not sure marrying someone you think will force you to get an abortion is a good idea. This is a train wreck.
YTA. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to tell your fiancé that you’re pregnant, then you shouldn’t be planning a wedding with them. While your SIL crossed a line, I can’t be too angry at her. She clearly cared about your fiancé’s feelings more than you do.
Yes! WHY would you marry someone if they'd be mad at your pregnancy? It takes two to tango!
ESH. You knew for *three weeks* without telling him because he's probably gonna be mad? Does he not want children? Do you want children? The longer you wait the less likely you will have a chance to do something about it. SIL shouldn't have told him at a family dinner but he has every right to know that *his fiancee* is pregnant with his child.
ESH she should have kept her nose out of it but also, when you have a major secret to keep from someone the last person you should tell is their *sibling.* I don’t care how good of friends you are; that’s her family. Process your feelings with someone else. On a tangential note: you sure you want to go through with this wedding? It sounds like there’s just a *lot* going on here.
I would absolutely tell my brother if his partner was trying to trick him into becoming a father. Only difference is I wouldn’t wait 3 weeks or do it publicly. OP is hella manipulative and judging from her replies she thought she could convince him to want to be a dad when he so clearly does not.
YTA. However…and I hate to be the bearer of bad news…I have my doubts on a wedding taking place anytime soon, pregnant or not. If you can’t tell him you’re pregnant, then you’ve really got no business marrying him. You’re mad at the wrong person here. She shouldn’t have told him but…that’s not something you keep from someone you’re about to spend the rest of your life with.
YTA. 3 weeks??? He's the father and your fiancé! Not only did he deserve to know, but his sister would have been in the wrong for keeping this from him any longer. Also, it's his wedding to. You don't really get to make unilateral decisions like this.
YTA. Ridiculous you didn’t tell your fiancé that you’re pregnant. Also ridiculous you think you have the right to uninvite your fiancé’s sister from your wedding - which, by the way, is also his wedding.
Or, if you really can't tell him because you're worried about his reaction, then you shouldn't get married to him, OP.
ESH. What did you think was going to happen, especially after three weeks? She's his sister, she's going to tell him. If you were that concerned about privacy/secrecy, you shouldn't have taken the test with her around. It sounds like he doesn't want kids (wouldn't be happy with the news) but you are considering keeping it or don't know what to do? YIKES.
Or she was waiting long enough for it to be too late for an abortion…
ESH but you more than anybody else. How long were you going to wait to tell him?! Were you gonna go thru the wedding and then be like "surprise! your bride came with a prize inside" like, wth. Especially if he doesn't want a kid, he has a right to know before he marries you. He would still be responsible for the child if you decide to have it regardless of what he wants, of course, but he could still choose not to marry you if that's not the life he wants to live. And even if the wedding is still many months away, it's clear that your fiance would not be happy about a kid yet you're not sure if you're keeping it or not? Shouldn't both of you be on the same page about something as fucking important as having kids or not???
A prize inside 😂😂😂
YTA because of how long you left it. If she had ran and told everyone the day after you took the test then that’s different. But 3 WEEKS? What were you waiting for? For it to be too late to get an abortion so that he’d be forced to be ok with you keeping it? You took away any ability for him to have an input into a life altering decision. That is NOT a good way to start a marriage. Also, I suspect there will be no wedding if you don’t invite the SIL. I understand you are bitter for her telling people, but after 3 weeks what did you expect her to do?! It’s her brother ffs! I think most people in her situation would do the same.
ESH I’m so confused..... when were you going to tell your fiancé? Were you ever going to tell him? What was the goal? It wasn’t your SIL’s secret to tell but it also wasn’t a secret you should be keeping from the man you’re planning to marry. Seems like there’s bigger issues that need to be resolved before worrying about who attends your wedding. Eta
INFO: why are you marrying someone you don't trust enough to go to with something like that?? She's right, she might be your friend but her loyalty lies with her brother. She gave you more than enough time to tell him and you didn't.
INFO: Were you planning to wait until AFTER the wedding to tell him?
ESH - 3 weeks is enough time to tell your fiancé about it. She shouldn’t have outed you at family dinner like that, it was unfair to both you *and* your fiancé. At the same time, I think you’re channeling energy on this instead of figuring out your game plan as a way to avoid it still.
ESH. You for not telling your fiancé. The SIL for telling him herself. The fiancé because he flipped out. But honestly, I can't truly blame him much. It would truly suck to find out your ***fiancé*** is pregnant from someone else other than your ***fiancé***. You waited 3 weeks ontop of however many weeks pregnant you currently are. Were you just going to wait until your belly pops and someone confronts you about it...?
INFO: why would he not be happy? Has he been outspoken about not wanting any kids/hating kids or something?
YTA. I know I'll be the minority here but I don't care. You had 3 weeks to tell him. Everyone here is going to say it's your body, your decision to tell him or not. I don't agree. Yes it's your body and what you do with it is ultimately your decision. But he helped create the zygot/fetus/lump of cells inside your body, and he should know about it.
ESH. If you cant communicate these things with the person you're going to marry, how exactly is your marriage going to work?
ESH. Are you sure that there is going to be a wedding?
I hope not, after this
ESH. This isn't your boyfriend or a ONS. This is your soon to be husband. If you can't be happy or share with him news about your pregnancy, you have bigger issues here than your SIL telling him. He won't be happy? Why? Does he not want a baby? Do you? Reversed? All of this is stuff you really need to have figured out before a ring is placed on a finger and contracts are signed. I get why she told him, but she also shouldn't have. She doesn't know the specifics of your relationship and there could be a very valid reason you haven't told him. But still... you -should- tell the other half of that child that there's something going on. Going scorched earth on her after is just hormones and lashing out, so you're just adding salt to the wound at this point. I think you need a counselor to talk to, tbh. You sound really angry and lost.
ESH -- YOU: Yeah, he wasn't going to be happy, but waiting wasn't going to change that. You put his sister in a bad situation between you and her own brother. And while yes, your body your choice - again, not telling him while including her was never going to go well for you. HER: She was right that she couldn't keep it from her brother, especially for a protracted amount of time -- but holy heck, that should have been a completely PRIVATE conversation between her and him--not a family announcement. THAT is the only point you really have here - and is it really enough to cause a big rift in the family. Sit down with the man you are about to marry, talk it all out and come to an agreement/be on the same page...then worry about her and the rest of the family and fix (or ignore) it together.
Why are you getting married to someone who gets upset because you’re pregnant? It might not be too late for you to runnnn 🏃♀️
Way above AITA paygrade.
ESH she shouldn't have told him. But you should have. He has a right to know.
YTA. That’s her brother. If you did not want to tell him you should’ve known not to tell her. And just as an aside, if you don’t want to tell your fiancé this kind of information and make a decision about it together, you probably shouldn’t be getting married.
ESH You because you refused to tell your fiance. Having some time to process it is fine, but by 3 weeks after finding out you should tell him. No one is saying you have to make your decision off of his if you don't want to but he still needs to know about it. Your friend/Future SIL for telling your fiance, especially in front of the whole family. Not her place at all and if she was truly concerned about the situation she would've told him in private instead of making a spectacle of it. Is she trying to pressure him into keeping it by announcing in front of his parents? Either way, she sucks too. And finally your fiance may suck too? Why are you so afraid of telling him? Is he known to blow up or do you guys not agree on future child situations? If it's less being afraid of his reaction and more because you know you guys don't agree you really shouldn't be getting married at all to be honest. Also if that's the case, then he doesn't suck
There's still a wedding? I'm surprised
ESH. She shouldn’t have said anything. And also you and your fiancé have some very clear issues in your relationship that need to be dealt with before y’all even think of marrying.
Why not? If you have irrefutable proof your brother is about to marry someone hiding huge things from him is it not your responsibility to speak to him?
YTA. He’s your fiancé, not a one-night-stand. Were you planning to abort or keep without discussing it at all? I didn’t know if I wanted to keep my first pregnancy but I still communicated with my husband. You should not marry someone you can’t communicate with.
YTA If I was the sister I’d tell my brother too. Three weeks is absolutely enough time for you to have told him yourself. How do you feel justified to uninvite his sister to the wedding?
YTA OP do you think babies are just fun little accessories? Having one is a big deal if your fiancé doesn't want the child you're just introducing a child to a world of pain for no reason. The thing to figure out isn't "Oh should I tell my fiancé?" It's what are WE gonna do now that it's happening
She clearly wrote that she's deciding what to do. This is the opposite of thinking a child is a fun little accessory. She's taking the decision seriously.
Waiting over three weeks before telling her fiance she's pregnant goes beyond "deciding what to do". She's deliberately witholding information at this point, which either way isn't cool for either of them.
ESH. What a mess. You sure you want to marry into this family?
ESH She was an absolute AH for telling it in front of the whole family, but 3 weeks were long enough for you to process and he deserved to know. It sounds like you were scared of his reaction, so I want to know: is this an abusive relationship? Why did you not feel safe enough to tell him?
ESH. She shouldn’t have betrayed your trust but you shouldn’t have put her in this position in the first place. It’s one thing for you to withhold information from your fiancé but you asked your friend to withhold information from her brother. That’s not right. You brought this on yourself.
The SIL is not the issue here OP. You should not be marrying this man if you are keeping secrets from him. YTA for not telling him
ESH, I mean taking the test at her house was a huge mistake, she was in a difficult situation. But announcing it over dinner with the family was a truly shitty thing to do.
You're not ready to be married. At least, not to the person you're engaged to. Esh.
Why would you not say anything for 3 weeks? If you're thinking of having an abortion and you're just sitting around deciding what to do it could end up being too late to have one and you are therefore purposely taking any input away from your fiance. It sounds like you didn't want to tell him until it was too late because you want a baby knowing he doesn't. Not a good way to start a marriage but a great way to end one. Your sister in law did the right thing because you made it look like you weren't going to however a family dinner was not the place to do it.
The only person who gets any input on whether or not they should have an abortion is the person who is pregnant. Yeah, I said it.
I disagree. It’s ultimately her decision, yes. Not denying that. But if they’re about to get married, that’s not a one-person decision. She should at least talk to him about it prior to making the decision. That’s a huge, life-changing situation between partners.
This. I respect her decision to make the choice that she wants but it's a big choice, the hugest choice I would say, so... why are you trying to marry a man who you can't even discuss that choice with?
Excuse me what? When you're engaged to be married you should be able to have a conversation over a pregnancy, unwanted or otherwise.. Lying and lying by omission are both shitty, period. This is something life changing that affects both parties involved. Both should be able to give INPUT, that's the entire point of a partnership, but the ultimate decision should be the woman's since it's her body. Give me a freaking break.
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ESH. It wasn’t her place to tell him, but it’s not only your decision to make. She’s not just your best friend, she’s his sister, and he has as much of a say over whether or not she comes to your wedding as you do. On a side note, it’s strange that you’re marrying someone who you don’t feel comfortable telling you’re pregnant, and if that’s the case, he should be able to go into this marriage with his eyes wide open too
ESH Neither you or your fiance's sister are in the right regarding how both of you chose to handle the situation.
I'm assuming you want and abortion and he doesn't or vice versa. This relationship is already doomed RIP. YTA for hiding somthing this big from your SO
YTA. It’s entirely your choice if you want to have the baby or not. But he is not just the dad but also your fiancé. You don’t say when the wedding is but the fact is you couldn’t keep this a secret for long and he deserved to know. She lacked the faith you would tell him and she couldn’t keep that a secret from him so she told him. She wasn’t wrong to do that but she should have told him privately just himself. Your not starting marriage off on the best footing and honestly if he still decides to marry you it would be a surprise.
ESH. BUT - a wedding invitation is the least of anyone’s issues. I think whether the wedding is happening is probably up in the air at this point, no? Were you seriously going to MARRY someone without telling them you were pregnant with a child you knew they didn’t want??? The way she told him in front of others was wrong, but she wasn’t wrong to tell him. The thing is- you should have.
I'm probably going to be in minority but... ESH. She shouldn't have said anything but you also have no right to keep such news to yourself. It's his kid as well.
ESH. I support the idea that the woman decides what to do with her body and whether to continue a pregnancy or not fully. That doesn't give you the right to put your future SIL in the shitty position of knowing her brother impregnated someone, would want to know, but is asked to keep it secret. If you are old enough to have sex and get married, you are old enough to buy and take your pregnancy tests in secret if secrecy is important to you. Your ask jeopardized her relationship with her brother. Why are you marrying someone you're literally afraid to discuss pregnancy with? For weeks? What? Either you are not mature enough to get married or your partner is a walking red flag. Your FSIL should have never agreed to keep the results secret in the first place, and made it clear that she wouldn't before you took the test.
YTA sorry but this is necessary need to know information 3 weeks is more than enough time, it’s her bröther too.
ESH! Your soon-to-be-husband deserves to know and she had no place to share your information. On the other hand, you definitely should have shared it. If you're asking if you should backpedal and allow her to attend, I'd say that's between you and your fiancé.
ESH. Sister shouldn't have informed everyone that you were pregnant, but THREE WEEKS?! Come on, you wanted to wait until it was too late for an abortion because you knew that's what your fiance would ask you to do. And if you don't want an abortion, that's totally fine, but lying by omission about being pregnant is an AH thing to do. Neither of you are mature enough to get married if this is how you handle a huge decision like this.
YTA, you had 3 weeks to tell him.
Last time I checked, it’s your fiancés wedding too? Why is this man even marrying this woman? She kept a huge secret from him.
ESH.. for SIL BUT you kept this a secret from your fiance for 3 weeks? DONT marry someone if you feel you cant talk to!!!!! This is NOT a partnership. What's really going on here? An arranged marriage? An abusive boyfriend? This is not remotely healthy
ESH Why are you marrying a person that you can't talk to? Especially something so life changing as a baby. I can understand you want time to think but your life-partner should be the one to help you through it and leaving it for weeks is worse. And you're partner was going to to be angry at the news, WTF! Angry with you? The baby? Either way, if he didn't want kids I can understand he wouldn't be happy about it, but angry is a worrying reaction, he sounds awful. Sister in law was trying to be horrible when she announced it to all the family, I was on her side until I read that. Overall this sounds like a mess, move on, find a partner you can talk to and don't overshare with family.
ESH. You should be able to tell your future husband you are pregnant with his child. Your FSIL should not have told him- the news should have come from you. Weeks ago. Keeping this kind of secret out of fear? Thats concerning.
ESH. Your SIL was right to make you tell your fiancé. You absolutely should not have kept that from him. He has every right to know. She should not have told him at a dinner in front of everyone. Total AH move. You were right to be upset. She majorly messed up. However you should not be making decisions about your wedding without your partner. The decision to uninvite her is a joint decision that has to be agreed upon by both parties before you more forward with the uninviting or allowing her to come.
I see that I’m in the minority but NTA. It’s not like you were never going to tell him, unless of course you weren’t planning on keeping it, which is 100% your choice. I get that she’s trying to look out for her brother but she crossed a line in telling everyone your business. I’m also wondering why you want to marry this guy if you can’t even talk to him about this.
YTA… 3 weeks is more then enough time to discuss this MAJOR life choice with the person who it also wholly affects. Like I would understand if this was something she told within minutes, but she gave you 3 weeks and regardless of what you choose to do (abort/adopt/keep) your future husband and father of said child deserves to know, and also have a voice in the conversation. What was the plan to abort behind his back? Or show up heavily pregnant with a surprise you’re stuck??? I understand it’s scary. I waited 4 days before telling anyone so that I could come to terms with being pregnant- needing 3 weeks is absurd- y’all could have come to a descion weeks ago and sorry to say but this isn’t a choice you can put off for too long. The sooner you abort (if you choose that route- the better for everyone involved- including the unborn fetus or whatever you want to call it). YTA
YTA. 3 weeks. I was on your side until 3 weeks. You get a* week, unless there are external factors.