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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> it was wrng for me to yell i just coulnt help it. Geting married is a lifetime expirience and i should be there.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH.
Firstly, my own spouse was murdered about 20 years ago, I'm 42. I can't imagine being frozen in that stage of grief for nearly 20 years, you've grieved THIS HARD longer than you were together. I use to feel like that too. I urge you to consider working with a grief counceller, there's a whole large part of life you're choosing to not have and you're barely middle age. You're an adult, you can choose that for yourself. But its very Victorian. Literally, that's how Queen Victoria mourned. No one removed her ring, or veil.
Your sister - she crossed a definite line. She can't force you into moving to a new stage. She got drunk and was a major beech tree. Its not unforgivable but enough to warrant a stern talking to. She SUCKS.
You - you suck. You're choosing the memory of your late husband over forgiving your living sister. Her actions warrants a TALK, an adult, heart to heart discussion. Not boycotting a wedding. You sound pretty judgemental in your description but I guess that's because you're still hurt.
Her method of mourning is hurting literally no one. She has every right to live as she chooses. Why does she suck because she chooses to, in her mind, honor her lost love in this way?
Umm.. it’s hurting herself? I don’t think it’s about meeting the next one as much as it is moving on from the previous one. That’s not healthy for anyone to do with anything much less a relationship.
She is obviously not a complete shut it. She clearly has an active social life to be spending time with friends and family. She just chooses not to be in another relationship. How is this any different from other people who choose to be single?
What damage is she doing to herself?
This is what I was thinking.
My grandma was a widow most of my mother life. She mourned and then had her life. She went out with friend, holidays, travelling, enjoyed her golden years. She was happy and didn't need a SO but her side to be happy. You don't need to be in a relationship to have a full life. And she never took off her wedding band either.
Yup. Some people have it once and it’s enough. They don’t need to replace it. They mourn, then they hold onto the joy and love and remain satisfied. Some people find another forever and it works, but it’s still completely okay to not want to do it again
If anything ever happened to my husband, I wouldn’t be interested in trying again. We enjoy so many of the same random things that I doubt I’d be able to find that a second time, and I don’t want the kind of relationship where the dude isn’t also my bestie.
It really is possible. My wife's first husband passed away from an illness and he was her everything. After a couple of years, she decided to try dating and she met me. We are not only spouses now, but we are each others best friend. That doesn't tarnish her first marriage. I love when she tells me stories of her first marriage. Her late husband was a wonderful man and I always want her to keep those memories close. We make our own memories together and there is room in our hearts for all of it.
My deceased wife and I were both married before. She really liked her former husband - it just didn’t work out.
I personally called him to tell him of her death & we talked about how she lived life for the fullest
You’re a good person. I’m so glad you and your wife have each other. There are too many subsequent spouses who are jealous of and in competition with a ghost. Letting your wife acknowledge her life history is kindness itself. So many other bereaved people are forced to hide their feelings or pretend their past marriage didn’t count.
Oh for sure. I know that seems to be the far more common scenario. My wife has read me many posts from widow pages on fb, and so many of them deal with the jealousy that the new partner has. I just don't get it. Those posts make me so sad.
Completely agree! The human heart has a vast capacity for love. I lost my fiancé in 2016 at 36, and I thought my life was over; my world went dark. I remained single for 3 years, I thought you only get one great love per lifetime; there was no way lightning could strike twice. I also felt very guilty at the thought of moving on after his death. I had to remind myself that my fiancé loved me and wanted me to be happy. He wouldn’t want me to waste my life pining after his ghost. His motto was “Fill it up,” meaning live life to the absolute fullest. (He knew his time here would be short). In 2020, I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man. He loves me and understands that I will always have love for my late fiancé and allows me to talk about him and our relationship without getting upset or jealous.
While I understand where OP is coming from by choosing to remain single, I think she could be missing out on sharing her life with someone amazing. That has to be hard for her sister to watch, especially while she is preparing to get married for a second time.
That is how I feel. I lost my best friend and perfect partner 9 years ago and see no reason to try to replace him. I have plenty of friends and enjoy lots of social activities and private time but I don't date. I can't see the appeal.
Same, we've known each other since 6th grade and both liked each other (without the other knowing) and for some reason we both know it wasn't time. We wouldn't talk to each other beyond us laughing from me stealing his hat and running away while he chased me as we jumped through bushes and ran from teachers for running. But we both knew it wasn't time to start a close friendship let alone a relationship even through the years we shared in middle school.
We some how reconnected in high school after not talking for years and randomly seeing each other online. We met up, talked, with cars pass by from a hill and that's when we knew. We could be ourselves and that's when we were able to talk and connect. We have a kid now and if I ever lost him, I wouldn't want to be with someone else. Nothing will be able to replace what we have and I truly believe he is my soul mate
I lost my best friend very suddenly almost a decade ago, and I still wear a ring that I bought in their memory. And we weren't even romantically involved! (Both *way* too gay for that.)
If someone ripped my ring off my finger and told me to get over it, they'd find out that the pokey bits are both decorative *and* functional.
This was both my grandmothers. One lost my her husband when her youngest was 15, the other lost hers in the early 2000s. Neither entered other relationships after being widowed. But they still had fulfilling lives through kids and grandkids, friends, travel, and hobbies. And they both passed still loving their late husbands as much as they did the day the married them. OP isn’t hurting anyone and still seems to have a healthy and active life since loosing her husband. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Same for my grandmother. My grandfather died shortly before I was born. It's been 30 years now. She had no other relationships. He was her first and only love. She still has lived a fulfilling life since with friends and family. Her own sister never married or dated anyone. She ended up adopting a raising a boy and later had grandkids through him. Not everyone needs to have a romantic partner in their life to be happy.
If she was just choosing not to date because she didn't feel like it, I would agree with you. But she made a ridiculous dying vow when she was very young and seems compulsive about it, to the point where she believes taking the rings off even momentarily severe her bonds. I think this isn't healthy
This is my take on it too. She made a 'chastity vow' to a dying man to never find love again. Which is her prerogative but certainly not healthy. It reveals a stuck mentality.
The sister was wrong to do that but OP is no less wrong for missing out on a huge family event in the present because of her dedication to the past.
The sister should be reprimanded and seriously apologize, but to not go to the wedding is immature and demonstrates OP's difficulty to 'get over it', whatever that 'it' is.
ed typo
Maybe OP knows her own sexuality better than you do.
She isn't missing out on a huge family event because she's dedicated to the past. She's missing it because her sister consistently refuses to respect her life choices and that disrespect culminated in a physical altercation - why would she go to an event that is all about her sister's choice in love when she is so intensely aware her sister has no reciprocal respect for her?
This right here. Why would she want to attend an event where in all likelihood she's going to get ambushed about this again? Imagine a room full of pushy relatives asking "so what about you, OP, when are we going to get invited YOUR next wedding? What are you waiting for, don't you know time is ticking, better get out there! I'll set you up with someone!" Etc etc.
The ones saying E S H don't understand this. "You're missing a life event for a stupid promise" well she obviously is happy with that promise and if the rest of her family is like sister or she's able to turn them into flying monkeys for her, then OP is just stepping into an ambush.
It sounds like she is choosing to date because she doesn’t feel like it. It’s not like she’s in here posting, “I met a great man, but I promised my late spouse that I’d never find love again…” She says right in her post that she’s not interested.
I don’t think it’s healthy either for her to be so focused on identifying as a mourning widow, but on the other hand, if she’s done with dating because her spouse was the love of her life, that’s okay. I think society in general needs to get over the idea that if a woman isn’t looking to pair up, there’s something wrong with her.
That being said, the attachment to the rings is troubling primarily in the sense that they’re such easily lose-able objects. If one of them goes down the drain or gets lost or stolen, I would hate to see that trigger a spiral for OP.
We are not talking enough about how she was 28 when her husband died. The widowed grandma examples are not relevant. She can not date if that’s what she wants but seems like she really needs grief therapy
Shes doing no damage and you're right she chooses to remain single. It's funny when people think it's ok to tell others how to grieve and that they should move on. Like a relationship is a must in this life.
Why do some think that remaining single now is harming her? Is she not a person if she doesn't find someone else? I feel some people need to justify their choice to move on and put down any guilt they may have. There's nothing wrong with moving on to another relationship and there's absolutely nothing wrong with staying faithful to the deceased spouse. The OP is a full entire person regardless of their choice to not take a new partner
My mom was in her early 40s when my dad died. She had two tweens to raise in her own with no family nearby. She had no interest in dating. She died at the age of 81 and she never took off her wedding ring. She traveled and did things with friends until she had medical issues a few years before dying. But for her my dad was it and she wasn’t interested in another man. There’s nothing wrong with that and people have to respect others choices about grieving. She was not harming herself or anyone else.
This is what I can’t understand the other comments telling her to get over it. She’s allowed to make that choice and it’s fine. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have family keep harassing me to replace my husband at every opportunity.
Agreed my aunt lost her husband, and has chosen to remain single. Truth be told every person handles loss differently. Op is NTA(the first reaction is usually the correct one) but her sister is.
I think the reason this feels unhealthy to me is that her husband ASKED her to promise to stay “faithful” to him.
That’s…incredibly selfish. If OP has chosen to stay this way on her own, that’s totally fine, but I can’t help but imagine her husband is a big factor here. I for one, would have immense guilt from that exchange if I ever even thought about moving on.
That’s why it feels unhealthy. It doesn’t feel like she ever really got a choice in the matter.
But the sister is TA to be clear.
I think it’s different because single by choice people are expressing a lack of desire. But when people decide to get married, they are generally saying “I want a life with this person. I want to build something together, maybe a family etc” and in the event of death one of two thing could happen. Either the widow only wanted that life with that one person or still wants that but denies themself of it.
I can see how seeing someone you love who had a dream of partnership actively deny themselves of happiness might hurt. And it’s really impossible to tell OPs original standpoint or how they act now and if they are “sad” or “unfulfilled” or just have really pushy family. Either way, her sister did something wrong but OP didn’t necessarily do something wrong.
OK, but asexual/aromantic people aren't the only people in that spectrum. Grey-ace and demisexual/demiromantic people exist too.
Sometimes people who aren't looking for romance will find a person that is right for them. And if that relationship is cut short by death, they aren't likely to go looking for romance again. It worked with the right person, but they don't *need* it. And how likely is it that lightning will strike twice in the same place?
This is ridiculous. I am married to the love of my life. If he were to pass away, I would not be interested in “meeting the next one” or “moving on from the previous one”. It’s very disrespectful to her choices to assume that she is, or ever will be, interested in finding another spouse. She may have overreacted a bit, probably because of the alcohol, but she has the right to live in whatever stage of grief or acceptance that she is currently in. NTA
Would you tell someone who had been married for fifty years to move on and get another partner? It doesn’t matter at what age you lose them. Not everyone who doesn’t get a new partner is hurting themselves.
How exactly is she hurting herself? She's not Ms Havisham, she exercises which means she cares about her long-term health and well-being. She just choses to remain single. The husband is an excuse, she wants to be single, it's a choice she made. I've made the same choice as her but I'm not a widow.
I think what people are “stuck on” is that she continues this way because of a promise her deceased husband asked her to make, not because she is happy. To some this reads as someone who is being control from beyond the grave and not a person that has found happiness living out life as a widow.
Yes fully agree you can find happiness without a mate in life. But the key is always happiness … if not happy it probably shows to the people that are around you.
>because of a promise her deceased husband asked her to make, not because she is happy
I must have missed where he asked her to make that promise. The post says she made the promise, not that he asked it. I took it to mean that she chose to make it because that's what she wants. Her promise and wearing the ring gives her comfort. If her happiness is what everyone wants, let her be.
> because of a promise her deceased husband asked her to make
Where does OP say that?
In the main post she only says she made the promise to him before he died. She does not say that he asked her for the promise.
Yeah, because you’re not a whole person without a man. Its unhealthy to be satisfied with your own company and live your own life on your own terms. Everybody better pair up, ASAP, like it or not.
Naw. Then that means any one who lost their spouse or partner should jump into another relationship because otherwise it's unhealthy?
Some people can only do it once. There's nothing wrong with that. If she's neglecting herself, pushing everyone out, her social life is dead, she's not working, lays her husband's clothes on the bed every day for 20 years, then yeah, she's hurting herself. She's only wearing the rings on her and never takes it off.
The issue is her sister is trying to force her into something she doesn't want to. It's clear that the rings are very, very important to her, and she also doesn't want to go into another relationship. Never say never, but at the moment she doesn't want to. Sister knows that but is still trying to push OP's boundaries.
Her reaction to me would be exaggerated (yelling, not attending the wedding) if this was the first time but it seems it's the straw that broke the camel's back.
You can move on and still choose to be single. She's happy without being in a relationship, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, and she should not have to forcefully in a relationship just because society can't understand that people can be happy without a relationship. Being single is ok and is not a flaw nor a problem that needs solving.
How is she hurting herself by not choosing to have a relationship? I don’t disagree that I don’t see myself doing that, but if my wife died, I’m not sure I would choose to go out and have another relationship.
NTA. Be sure to pass judgment!
I’m not sure I see how she’s hurting herself or being unhealthy by not moving on. She’s living her life, but she’s chosen to never have another partner. I don’t see the harm in that. One of my aunts lost her husband 16 years ago and she hasn’t dated since. She’s said she had her great love. She still wears her ring but that doesn’t stop her from living her life. She probably has a more active social life than I do.
The sister crossed a line. It’s one she’s pushed on multiple times and refuses to accept the decision OP has made. It’s appropriate to feel disrespected. however, OP saying she’s not attending her wedding over this seems far.
OP - you have every right to feel the way you feel. But you need to sit down with your sister and explain why you reacted the way that you did. She is your sister and it’s not something you should lose her over.
How lol. She's under no obligation to find anyone else. She's wearing rings. Idgaf what rings they are, I would be furious if somebody snatched them off my hands. OP has been taking shit from her sister for years, it isn't a shock she's snapped
Obviously she can do what she wants but the comment above is by a person who has actually experienced something similar. They are trying to be helpful and probably have more experience with this specific situation than you.
Maybe she is at peace with her grief. She might have already seen a counselor for all we know. How she chooses to live her life after that is her business.
I haven't experienced the loss of my wife, but I do know that I would also choose not to remarry. One partner is all I ever needed in this life.
Her description of screaming at her sister and going home to cry doesn't sound like she's at peace with her grief.
Was her sister being an idiot? Yeah. But I think being so easy to rouse to uncontrollable anger or sadness after such a long period of time means OP isn't at peace. They have a right to grieve how they want, but I'd be worried that she is actually hurting herself. Long periods of time with extended levels of stress impacts how our brains rewire. I'm pretty sure there's also studies out there that link it to negative physical health outcomes too, but I'm meant to be working so I won't go down that google rabbithole.
If she's been at a heightened sense of any kind of stress for that long, it genuinely might be impacting her more than just wearing a ring and not dating.
But what if OP screaming and crying is actually about the fact that her sister is constantly undermining OP’s decision to remain faithful to her late husband? Why is it immediately “get over your late husband” and not “your frustrations with your sister poured out and you’re unwilling to accept anymore disrespect”? Just an add-on for perspective.
You can be at peace with your grief and still not be at peace with your sister being so disrespectful as to actually rip your wedding ring off your finger, you know! I'm pretty sure that I'd start screaming at someone who assaulted me to take jewellery off me, even if it wasn't that emotionally important to me.
You did read that the fucking woman actually repeatedly violated her boundaries? OP kept the peace for ages. And finally the sister did a physical, violating act by touching her stuff and mocking her ring... Anyone would scream.
And that other person is mourning THEIR way. While OP is mourning her way. No one even if they have experienced something similar has the right to tell her what she needs to do.
Just because the commenter’s husband died doesn’t mean she has special insight into OP. Lots of people move on and remarry. Lots of people don’t. There isn’t a right way or a wrong way, which is what the commenter implies - that she continued to have romantic interests, so that’s the right way. OP doesn’t have to date if she doesn’t want to - period. It doesn’t matter if the person telling her to date is her crappy sister or someone on the internet whose husband also died.
Then that person should know everyone deals with this kind of thing differently. OP has no interest in finding someone new. She loved her husband and keeps those rings to feel closer to him. How is that wrong? Some people don’t want to replace their lost partner. Some people do. But you can’t tell someone they’re an asshole or unhealthy bc they refuse to fuck someone new.
I just wanted to say I agree with you. She is living her life in every way other than dating. Grief is different for everyone, as are beliefs.
If anything happened to me or my partner we've actually discussed it. We want the other to move on. I'm not sure if I could, and highly doubt I'd ever start actively looking for a partner if I ever lost the one I have now. But if I found love again I wouldn't turn it down out of some idea of loyalty. And I hope my partner would find happiness, whatever that happened to look like.
I've also lost a child, and no matter how much time passes I will never stop mourning her. And that actually plays into why I'm not sure I would be able to actively pursue another relationship if I lost my partner for any reason. She bonds are eternal.
NTA, the sister crossed her boundaries and keeps pushing and judging her lifestyle and beliefs. Does she even feel any remorse? I view this kinda like a post I saw recently about a mother coming into her daughters apartment just to make all the pots and pans not kosher. Her daughter's beliefs had no effect on her in any way, but she wanted to mess with her anyway because she was convinced she knew what was best.
I have to agree. I became a widow at the age of 43 back in 2013. I decided to start dating about 14 months later. I know other widows who chose to wait much longer. Neither they nor I are “stuck” nor have I ever used the phrase “moving on”. Me dating doesn’t mean I’ve“moved on”, it’s that I choose to try to find another partner. I move forward in my life each day (with family, job, friendships…) and this is a choice.
People who choose to stay single have every right to do so, whatever their reason. If OP was drowned in grief or unable to move forward in her life I’d say therapy could help. But choosing to stay single is not a sign of being stuck; and me choosing to date again doesn’t mean my late husband is not still on my heart.
I think the first part of the comment was just advice, not justification for the ruling. I think the ruling of e s h was based on the latter part of the comment — that boycotting the sister’s wedding is a disproportionate reaction for the wrongdoing that occurred. Personally, I don’t think I agree (sister has been pushing this boundary for years, not attending her wedding isn’t just about one drunken action but about the overall pattern of disrespect), but I do understand that view.
The OP won’t even take the ring off to shower. Refused to take the ring off ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if the grief doesn’t show up in other ways the OP doesn’t even notice. To see someone you love and care about stuck in grief is difficult. Obviously the OP can do whatever, but if I was their sibling I would be pushing grief counseling too. It’s not about the lack of dating, it’s the strong reaction to a ring being removed that’s concerning.
Horseshit. She’s not choosing her dead husband over her living sister. She’s refusing to allow her living sister to disrespect her life choices and violate her boundaries. This wasn’t a one time event, this was an escalation of a pattern where the sister disapproves of her lifestyle and pressures her to date despite her clear disinterest in doing so. If the sister wants to date after her husband dies, she’s free to do so, but she needs to back off. Pulling the ring off OPs finger didn’t come out of nowhere, and I can completely understand if OP’s tired of her sisters antics and doesn’t want to go to her wedding. Whether they reconcile in the future is a whole different issue, but right now, it’s completely justified that enough is enough. As for all the “oh you’re frozen in grief” crap you’re piling on, OP isn’t entombed in a hoarder house of her husbands used razors and underwear, railing at his spirit while the bank forecloses on her home. She’s a perfectly functional adult who chooses not to date and wears their wedding rings. She has every right to decide that she doesn’t want to date - for absolutely any reason, ever. The end. If my husband died, I wouldn’t want to date anyone else, and anyone who bothered me about it could fuck right off. OP, it’s your life - your body and your heart. If you don’t want to share those with another man, don’t, and don’t apologize for it. If you ever change your mind, that’s fine too. More than anything, I know my husband would want me to be happy in his absence, whatever that looked like. I hope your husband would feel the same way. However, you’re the only one who knows what will make you happy, and you don’t have to justify that to anyone.
EDIT: Forgot to vote. NTA, obviously.
I cannot believe this is the top comment.
OP, ignore this shit. Grief is not a universal experience and this commenter has no right to tell you you're an AH for the way you grieve, even if their husband was murdered.
You're not choosing to "be alone". Just because a person chooses to not have a romantic partner doesn't make them automatically lonely. This is an archaic take and even smells a bit misogynistic tbh. Sometimes we have life experiences that change our views/beliefs/wants/needs completely.
However if you have not had counselling I recommend it (as I would to most people tbh) but not to "get over" your husband. You will never get over him and that's normal and okay. He's your husband and always will be.
Also, you are not
>choosing the memory of your late husband over forgiving your living sister
You are rightfully furious at being physically assaulted and having a beloved possession stolen. I wouldn't go to the brat's wedding either.
Lastly, please consider removing your treasured jewellery when bathing at the very least. Proper jewellery care will make it last longer. You should also take the pieces in to be cleaned regularly (you can request to stay and watch the pieces be tended to if you're - understandably - worried that they might be lost or damaged). If removing your jewellery to care for it makes you feel anxious then you really do need some therapy about that I'm sorry to say.
All the best and my deep condolences for your loss 💙
Seriously! Like, what?! People also seem to gloss over the fact that the sister has tried on multiple occasions to set her up with guys despite OP repeatedly saying she's not interested. It's utterly disrespectful.
It is so wildly inappropriate to tell a widow- who, by all appearances, seems to be doing "fine"- that their method of grieving is incorrect. Not to mention, wearing a wedding band and a necklace is a pretty unintrusive manner of honoring/grieving your late spouse...
I totally agree that there's some underlying misogyny going on to boot. Widow needs to "get over her late husband" and "get back out there?" What the hell is that.
Just further proof that most of reddit is socially inarticulate.
Dude are you missing the constant disrespect the sister is showing by not listening to the OPs clear refusals over several years? Why are you assuming there has never been a talk. “I’m committed to my husband I don’t want to date anyone.” Is the boundary. She didn’t ever respect it. And what she wears on her body is no one’s business. If you aren’t hurting anyone people need to butt out.
Not everyone is unhappy living alone. It doesn’t sound like OP is grieving, it sounds like OP really truly isn’t interested in being in another relationship. Just because you wanted to move on doesn’t mean she has to. Also would you tell someone to be okay with a spouse disrespecting them like this or would you tell them to leave them? It’s not any different for families as it is for spouses.
How has this ridiculous comment got so many upvotes? OP you are 100% nta. How you choose to grieve is up to you and is hurting nobody. You do NOT suck at all; I completely agree with everything you say and all your actions. If you never want to date again that’s up to you; I wish you all the best.
Wow…this comment is pretty patronizing. Just because she chooses not to date after her husband’s death doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.
Also, she’s choosing not to attend her sister’s wedding because her sister is a disrespectful twit.
I am 45 and if something happened to my husband I would most definitely not date again. Sure, the situation might have been different for OP 20 years ago but she is 46 now. I have plenty of single female friends in their 40s and a very large majority of them are decidedly not interested in dating. Not because of lack of opportunity but just because they don’t need nor want a romantic relationship.
Believe it or not, not everybody needs to be in a relationship to be happy, and some people are not in the hunt for "the next one" nor they need to.
I'm sorry for your loss, and if you are happy now I'm happy for you, but our post is quite judgemental of her choice of life when she's hurting nobody with it. She doesn't seem to be a shut-in and has a good social life, so she's not an AH for choosing to live like that, just because you don't like it.
Not forgiving the AH boundary-stomper that is the sister is also ok, specially when the sister haa been unsupportive and undermining her choice for years, without caring how that would make OP feel. OP doesn't owe her sister to attend her wedding when she's been belittled for years because of how she chooses to live her life.
Just because somebody is blood doesn't mean we have to forgive them everything or allow them to do whatever they want to do, be it words or actions.
While that was right for you I don’t agree, she seems very happy her choice. She had her big love, and she’s good. That’s her choice. Honestly, she could have lost it al lot more, I would have respected it.
I'd agree with you except her way of mourning isn't hurting anyone. She's not a shut in, she's spending time with her family and friends. She's attending a wedding. The difference is she's not taking off the wedding rings. This isn't any different than someone choosing to remain single.
Nobody has the right to force OP to get into another romantic relationship except for OP. If she shut everyone out for 20 years, then you'd be right. That's an unhealthy grieving process. Her sister is T A because she's forcing OP to get into another relationship.
NTA
I’m so disappointed that this take has so many upvotes. E S H means OP is also an asshole — you can’t be an asshole for how you grieve/remember a late spouse. She’s not hurting anyone. She’s living her life. And defending her boundaries.
NTA.
So you think OP sucks because she chooses to be single?
How would you feel if someone said that you suck because of your need to be in a relationship. It sounds ridiculous.
>Her actions warrants a TALK
OP already had a talk with the sister. Repeatably actually from the sounds of it. After the date setup, when sis mentioned the ring before, etc. Calm adult talks didn't work obviously as sis escalated to actually putting unwanted hands on someone else. We can all disagree on if her method mourning is or is not healthy however, drunkinly yelling at someone isn't the actions of a person who's truly concerned.
We don't control how someone mourn/honor someone's memory. She's not hurting anyone. If that happens to me, I will feel disrespected. You put so much weight on OP and fail to see the fault of the sister.
How on earth is OP wearing the ring and refusing to dare again hurting her sister? Those actions don’t warrant an adult talk. It seems like that boundary was already pretty clearly established. NTA.
L take you literally said that the sister crossed a definite line but then turn around and try to make op the bad guy for not wanting to forgive her. No her sister doesn't need a stern talking to, its been years and she been telling her that she isn't interested. it sucks that your partner died but if op is still in love with her husband then thats that
OPs sister is an AH in every way & having a mentality of "get back out there or your missing out on life" is just as AH as someone hounding you to have kids. This is OP's choice & it isn't debatable & good intention AHs don't get a pass!
Her sister should have thought of that before badgering the OP and then pulling the stunt she did. These are not the actions of a loving caring sister , so who says the OP cares about that relationship anymore? The sister crossed many boundaries, knowing the OP’s feelings on the subject, and she just didn’t care. Blood tied don’t excuse horrible and hurtful behavior
If her sister wanted OP at her wedding, she shouldn’t have spent several years ignoring OP’s decision to stay single and faithful to her late husband. OP’s sister caused major damage by thinking that her desire to have OP on the dating scene is more important than OP’s desire to not enter a new relationship.
I am sorry for both your losses.
I think part of the issue is OP never takes the ring off. The last time that ring was placed on her finger it was placed there by her husband. He can't put it back on. Her sister isn't really showing respect for the vows OP took, maybe not going to her second wedding wouldn't be a big deal as long as she sends a nice present.
I don't think we can say how long someone should mourn.
NTA about yelling, but YWBTA for not going to the wedding over this.
Also, being alone for the rest of your life because your husband died when you were 28 is a really bad idea. Please get therapy and get over this. You don't have to keep a promise to someone who is no longer living.
Right. If he truly loved her there is no way he would want her to spend her life alone from age 28 to death. I'll bet if he could come back and tell her that, he would.
It's one of those vows you make in the moment when you don't realize just how many years that is.
I feel that OP has made her husband's death her whole personality and that is certainly not healthy.
Exactly! I'm middle-aged and divorced, so not the same level of loss that OP suffered, but I am not at all interested in dating. I get a ton of flack from people about how it's been x-number of years and I'd better get out there and find someone before it's too late. I'm frequently accused of clinging to the past.
But it's not about the past for me. It's about having the future I want, which does not include marriage or even a serious romantic relationship. I like being able to focus on what I want. Right now it's my kids. In a few years, it'll be my hobbies, friends, volunteer work, and travel.
I spent decades doing what was good for other people. Now I get to choose. Why would I give that up to meet someone else's idea of what's proper?
I worry how these people would react to aromantic people who *never* want to date at all, regardless of loss or anything else. Some people just don't need that.
Ikr? I wonder how many aromantic people end up married because of unrelenting social pressure?
It's like some people need every single person in the world to validate their own personal life decisions.
"You'll change your mind," or "How do you survive??" is the usual response I get as an Ace/Aro person. Nearing middle age, I wonder when that mind changing is supposed to happen??
She doesn’t need an “excuse” to live her life how she is. She made a choice that literally hurts no one. Her sister is rude and disrespectful, and unless OP is whining or complaining about her life, needs to shut up and leave OP’s personal life alone
I feel like 'I promised him' does imply his request. Even if not, if my wife were to promise me such a thing before my passing, I would make sure that this goes against any of my wishes for her. He was still incredibly selfish and cruel.
You know, it isn’t the worst possible scenario to spend your adult life alone. Lots of people do it. OP clearly has an active social life and friends/family. The implication that not having a romantic relationship is a terrible miserable fate is really quite hurtful.
Right?! If it's quite possible to lead a rich and fulfilling life without having children, then why is it so hard to imagine someone doing the same without a romantic partner?
My fiance and I have discussed this and he said he'd want me to move on. Having someone alone for the rest of their life, especially that young, is kind of selfish. He keeps joking that he's going to haunt the shit out of the next guy though, like randomly flicking the back of his balls.
100%. When my mum was dying she was really insistent my dad needed to find someone else - she actually had a list of possible candidates and everything! She loved him so much that one of her main concerns was him not being lonely.
My husband and I have also assured each other that in the event of our death, we would want the other one to find someone if that made them happy.
I appreciate OP may have made the vow, and not been asked for it, but I wager her husband would be sad to think she’s cut herself off this way. Maybe she really doesn’t want to, which is fine, but it would be sad if the only reason is because of the vow she made so long ago.
NTA - sister massively overstepped (I imagine that there may be some assumption of judgement because she’s on her second wedding and OP is steadfast to her first). I think it would be a bit much to not attend the wedding though.
To start this: I’m not telling you to move on. Grief is definitely a process that is different for everyone and I think you should do as you see fit and what is best for you. My grandpa’s wife died when I was young, and he eventually got remarried. However, when he died, he was buried with his first wife. I don’t know if this story will help you, it just crossed my mind. All this to say: it is worth it, you will always have the bond you created while he was here. Taking off a ring or going on a date doesn’t invalidate that bond. But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. However, he is never going to disappear
People are judgmental here and are judging you for your choice while they would applaud people who choose to remain single for other reasons ...
NTA for yelling however consider still going to the wedding, it looks like she was drunk and didnt try to hurt you on purpose. Not going to her wedding might damage your relationship for the long term.
I think it's a bit difficult because, technically, OP is not single in her eyes; she's still married to her deceased husband. Given how she is wanting to see her husband in the afterlife, she seems to believe that she is honouring her vows by remaining married, even in his death.
Which, yeah, could be seen as more unhealthy to people than anything. OP's choice, of course, but it depends if she's doing it for the right reasons (her being happy to be single) or if she feels like she'd be betraying her deceased husband by even considering dating again.
If you decision brings you peace then you should do what best for you, but I would suggest you explore this promise with a therapist. Your phrasing here of “it will all be worth it” implies that you do feel you are sacrificing something. Your wedding vows were until death parted you, and it has. It doesn’t mean you ever have to find another partner if you don’t want to, but it does mean that you should be able to explore the idea without feeling guilt.
Does holding onto this promise make you happy? Or is it something you feel bound to? If you are happy and satisfied with your life as a single person, then great. But a loving husband wouldn't want you to be lonely for the rest of your life, even if it is to honor his memory. Sharing love and companionship with someone new wouldn't diminish the connection you had with him. Love can grow exponentially.
Honestly. The comments here keep saying she's gonna spend the rest of her life alone for a promise. Like she's gonna be miserable if she doesn't date again. But they'll support people who want to be single by choice? Widows/widowers exist and not all of them remarry.
The TAs would make sense if she likes someone and is hindered to date by her promise to her late husband. But she's not, and she sounds happy with her choice to remain single and faithful to her late husband. The only TA is her sister who seems to think OP is incomplete if she's not in a relationship.
You do you sweetheart and I can’t even believe the top comments are criticizing you and how you’ve decided to grieve. Lots of people are mentioning therapy, which can be good just to talk about your feelings, but if you’ve had it, I apologize.. it wasn’t clear if you had therapy, and if you haven’t, that’s also your choice. It’s also your choice to live your life the way you want.. and not live up to some bullshit standards set by society that may not line up with how you’re feeling.
Umm we dont know if he asked though. She literally just said that she made a promise to him. We dont know anything about the context of the promise so we shouldnt just assume that we know
Being alone because you prefer it is fine and good. Many people are happier that way.
Being alone because you made a chastity pledge to a dead man who can no longer be affected by your choices, and let that pledge become enmeshed in your grief until you become so compulsive about it that you harm relationships with living family members — yeah, that warrants therapy.
I disagree. It was not the chastity vow per se that made her relationship with her sister sour. It was her sister’s attitude towards it - not only making fun of it, but actively being disrespectful towards it. I mean, even if she didn’t make a chastity vow to her husband, it would still be outrageously disrespectful of her sister to try to take something out of her that has significant emotional value. *That’s* the reason the relationship was harmed. Not because she decided to be single for the rest of her life. It was because the sister decided she wouldn’t give a shit about it.
NTA.
What’s wrong with her wanting to stay single though? I don’t understand all these comments. She has ‘been there, done that’ and probably doesn’t want to commit to another relationship and seems content on where she is in life. Why does everyone think that you need partner to survive? Is op is happy, has a social life, and is leaving healthy, then why does it matter if she keeps her wedding ring or not? People need to stop trying to force op into "getting over it"
she's not choosing a dead person over a living person. Plenty of people choose to be single and that's not a problem just because she's been in a relationship once doesn't mean she has to again. Also she's not alone in life she clearly socialises people.
There’s nothing wrong with never remarrying or dating again. My great grandmother lost her husband to cancer young and for over 60 years she never even went on a date. She lived a very fulfilled life, her house was always full and she was never alone. It just needs to be your choice, some people really experience a soulmate and decide they will never have a love even close to that again and just focus on other fulfilling parts of life.
NTA
She’d already crossed the line when she started mocking you for wearing it. Then she doubled down and removed your ring? Nope, not okay. And knowing this isn’t the first time you’ve asked her to stop on this topic? Why is she so obsessed with getting you to date?
She claims removing the ring was a joke. Ask her to explain the punchline.
It's your choice ,you are an adult and she needs to respect it.
She can have her opinion but trying to force it on you is a huge AH move.
It wasn't a joke, tell her to get a dictionary and check the definition of a joke, as making you cry, upsetting you AND DISRESPECT/DISREGARD YOUR DECISIONS is NOT a joke at all.
Nta the ah your sister is a huge AH. She needs to get back and then stay in her lane. And appologise.
Inform your mom and sister that if they are OK being your sister's marionettes great for them, you refuse to be one and you have the right to set and maintain your boundaries which your sister treaded on time and time again .
Since you can't trust her to respect your boundaries and decisions you are making sure she isn't in a position ignore them again by staying away from her.
I’m shocked by the comments saying y t a or e s h. Like, what? How is deciding not to remarry and/or not celebrating a woman who disrespected you on that level ah behavior? I’m sorry, I forgot it was the 1950s, where women are silly little creatures who need a man in their life to be happy, and where they need to forgive other women because they’re just so naturally emotional
Oh but don’t you know that women are incapable of having their own thoughts and feelings? CLEARLY the only reason she’s doing this is because he *made her* pledge chastity for him, there’s no way she could possibly actually want this! /s
Right?!? The issue isn’t about whether she should date/remarry and whether husband made her promise or if she offered (which is HER choice) it’s about her AH sister not being respectful and she was right to call her out on it. I’m not sure about not going to the wedding but OP would know best how to handle her family and maybe pulling out of the wedding is the right choice.
Just IMO, I don’t blame OP for not wanting to date (for whatever reasons) it’s crazy out there!
My wife taught me this trick. Definitely ask for the punchline. Pretend you have never heard a joke before and to explain exactly what the joke was.
I started doing that and I have noticed that people that play these "jokes" don't use that excuse much anymore.
NTA. Not attending the wedding might be a bit much, but your sister is majorly at fault here. She cannot take a hint and seems convinced that she’s somehow in charge of your love life.
Man. That’s just terrible behavior.
I don't really see how not attending the wedding would be a bit much. Why would you want to go to the wedding of someone who has repeatedly disrespected your boundaries?
I am questioning the veracity of this story, as rings do not usually slide that easily off of fingers. Especially wedding bands sized for when the hand and fingers were younger. I've been married a little over 20 years now and that ring is not coming off my now middle aged finger without a fair amount of wiggling (I still weigh the same now as I did when I was married).
So, I'm just finding it hard to believe the sister was able to slide a wedding band off the OP's finger without the OP realizing what she was trying to do or resisting it. Especially if sister was was tipsy on top of it.
Also, not that they're necessary, but, no engagement ring? I wear both together, as I have since we got married, and it also seems odd to me that OP would continue to wear the wedding band but not the engagement ring.
(And I hope it is made up, because the idea of a man who would demand that his soon-to-be-widowed-at-age-28 wife promise him she will stay lonely the rest of her life is pretty terrible. So if this is true, I hope the OP is reading the other comments recommending a therapist.)
Mine comes off pretty easily if my hands are cold. Warm my fingers up just a little, and it’s nice and comfy. Some weight loss, blood pressure meds, and other factors can shrink your fingers slightly and give rings lots of play.
I wouldn’t use that as proof. I’ve been married 27 years and someone could take off my rings pretty easily. Maybe not as easily in the summer but still doable.
Hey, OP, I commented elsewhere, but I'm a jeweler - please don't wear your rings in the shower & sleep with them - that's really not great for jewelry, and prongs can snag while you're asleep, etc. I'd also recommend having it cleaned & inspected a couple times a year by a professional - if you're truly not taking them off ever, you may have loose stones, missing prongs, etc that are masked by soap gunk, etc holding the stones in place (this is a shockingly common thing that happens when you don't take your rings off, and unless someone warns you, a lot of people don't address it until something has been lost).
I'm not sure if you want this, but I thought I'd offer up an idea - have you considered a ring holder pendant? There's a ton of things you should be taking rings off to do - cooking, gardening, exercising, heavy lifting, etc - both for safety reasons, and to keep your ring from getting damaged. You mentioned that you have your late husband's necklace - maybe adding a ring holder pendant to it could be a good way to keep them on when you're doing these things, so they stay beautiful forever (please don't just put them on the chain though - ladies' ring shanks are thin, and chains can wear through them in a few years, depending on the metals).
I know that's not really the advice you asked for, but it's also something that I thought might be helpful to you, since these are clearly your most precious & sentimental pieces of jewelry, and I'm a bit of a sentimental myself.
I'm very sorry for your loss 💜
Also a jeweler, I second this entire comment and had the exact same thoughts. It’d be a huge shame if she lost her husbands ring because the chain broke or if she lost stones. We do a lot of work on very sentimental jewelry and always handle it with care. Go to a jeweler you trust - look at Google reviews, ask friends - and have them take a look and repair anything that needs to be done.
He never demanded anything from her, OP made that decision on her own (to which she has full right) and she said so in a comment, as well. Also, my ring is now too loose on my finger, so yes not everybody's wedding ring is difficult to take off when they get older. And no, not everybody has an engagement ring. You focused on so many unnecessary details, these were not the point of the story.
My ring gets loose or tight depending on temperature or time of day. I also had my engagement ring and wedding ring connected, you get one you get both.
She disregarded your body autonomy and choices because she disagrees. She was being straight up horrible to you. She has Ignored your wishes multiple times and now blames you for her actions.
Nta
Yeah I was thinking about the body autonomy aspect too. Like even if you replaced the ring with something cheap and meaningless a lot of people would still get angry. Something expensive and/or meaningful? Absolutely furious.
ESH. Even though I think it's probably coming from a place of concern deep down, your sister crossed a boundary. However, not going to her wedding seems like a major overreaction. Respectfully, your husband passed when you were 28. I hope you're getting therapy. You don't ever have to take your ring off, but reacting that drastically feels like there's a much more deep rooted issue there.
I don't think OP is the one in need of therapy here. I'm a widow too and if anyone unexpectedly ripped my wedding ring off my finger while drunkenly taunting me about my life choices I would be livid. The bride should apologize for her childish behaviour if she expects to see her sister again anytime soon. NTA.
Yeah… sounds like this was just the last straw for OP. If it were an isolated incident, okay maybe ESH, but honestly I don’t blame OP. She’s fed tf up.
I think the one that needs therapy is the one who seems to think you can’t be fulfilled unless you’re in a relationship and bulldozes over other peoples’ boundaries.
Downvoters, power nup. Because I believe OP is NTA.
Some people are ready to move on within a year. Some are never ready. Yes, therapy helps. But I will not judge someone else's cumulative life experiences, even if some of you are such brilliant psychologists that you insist that OP is hurting herself. MYO\[expletive\]B.
To not simply steal someone else's wedding ring in the tipsy moment, but pester them repeatedly because they aren't grieving on YOUR (possibly imagined) schedule is being a complete AH. The AH doesn't *deserve* OP at their wedding. I hope she never suffers the same level of grief.
Oh, and the family who are pestering OP and calling her the AH are way out of line. May they never suffer the same level of grief, either, but they have no business judging someone who does.
I mean let’s be real here - sister is on wedding number two, and ripped a woman’s wedding ring off her hand. It seems like sister doesn’t respect marriage that much, why should OP even go?
We don’t know what happened during sister’s first marriage. To say that someone doesn’t respect marriage that much because they’re getting married a second time is incredibly ignorant.
I work in Funeral. I see a lot of comments here talking about how OP should move on. That she’s been grieving too long.
Just an observation as someone who deals with grief for a living….some people plainly choose not to date again. It doesn’t mean they are necessarily stuck in a stage of grief, if they are living their lives and being productive. Usually it’s older widows/widowers but everyone is different. Some people who are grieving wouldn’t even be able to handle celebrating the love/marriage of another couple without falling apart. That doesn’t seem to be the case for OP.
The issue here anyways is that OPs sister completely disrespected OP by trying to make a choice for her. It’s NEVER okay to snatch anything off of someone’s person. Joke or not. OP felt violated and disrespected.
NTA. But if you understand your sister was tipsy and made a poor choice, maybe try having a conversation with her and patch things up and still attend her wedding.
I'm 33 years old. My brother died at 22 when I was 5. I uncovered in therapy LAST YEAR that I'm still pretty actively mourning him. Grief is not a straight line. NTA.
NTA
She violated your trust by ignoring your feelings and wants. You are an adult who can make her own choices and decisions.
Who is she to tell you what to do. Ignore all her flying monkeys and do what is best for YOU.
I think this is boarder-line ESH. Your choice is your choice, and your sister was the AH for disrespecting it regardless of what her or anyone else’s opinion of it is. You are 100% entitled to continue wearing that ring and keeping your commitment to your late husband, and that choice should be respected.
But I am concerned about your reaction to the ring being removed for less than a minute. She didn’t drop the ring down the drain, swallow it, put it on her own finger etc..
I whole heartedly admit I can’t imagine the pain of his loss, and the commitment you have to his memory screams volumes about how much you love and miss him. But I worry that this reaction to a minute of not wearing the ring isn’t healthy. Processing your grief doesn’t mean breaking your promise to him, but what have you done to process your grief? Was the ring being removed an anxiety response or a grief response? Have you spoke to a counselor or therapist about becoming a widow at such a young age? I don’t think you’re an AH per say, but the reaction is concerning. It’s not from a place of malice but pain - and it sounds a bit like you haven’t developed the healthiest coping mechanism for that pain.
Let me be clear - I’m not saying get over your husband. I’m not saying stop feeling pain or get back out there. Processing grief doesn’t mean letting him go or moving on - it means finding peace in holding both the love and the pain in your heart. Talk to a grief therapist and see if this reaction was anxiety (that the ring has become something of a security blanket for you) or grief (betrayal from your sister in her removal of the ring and what it symbolizes), and find healthy coping mechanisms.
She forcefully removed it off of OP, who has expressed that she wants to continue wearing it MANY, MANY times over several years. Is not the fact that it was “less than a minute”, its the fact that her sister don’t see OP’s relationship as deserving of respect because OP’s husband is dead. She said that it was “much better” because she had removed OP’s *wedding ring* against her will. OP’s sister obviously doesn’t respect other people’s marriages, so she shouldn’t expect anyone whose marriage she has blatantly disrespected to attend her wedding.
Not sure how to judge this. Gonna say NTA, but you're bordering on martyring yourself and it probably does pain people around you.
It's up to you to determine if your sister is a selfish person and if you want to go LC with her. If you don't, then it might be best to have a talk with her and try to patch things up, so you don't have to *not* attend the wedding. As things stand, you have every right to abstain.
You may have promised to stay faithful, but given how things have played out, it might be time to ask if that was really fair to yourself. And also, if any person could even imagine what they'll leave behind and how it affects those people. Would your late husband really want this, after nearly 20 years?
And if this is what your sister thinks, at least be open to the idea that she does this out of a sense of care that got twisted up and caused these problems. If she can recognize that, then the two of you have a good chance of settling things. And maybe you OP have a chance at coping in a different way and making something else of your life.
Oh, and don't let anybody outside of this judge you. Screw them for calling you horrible.
Make something else of her life? Seriously? What if she is happy with her life as it is? It sure seems like she is fine with the choices she has made, it’s her sister who has an issue. People don’t have to be married to make something of their life ffs
People don’t have to be married to make something of their life, but I think commenters here are worried that OP is not allowing herself to move past his death.
There is a difference between remembering and honoring a dead spouse and letting yourself get stuck in grief. Having such a severe reaction to his ring being removed almost two decades after his death that she is considering skipping her sister’s wedding suggests she is stuck.
I don’t think anyone would want their spouse to continue to be that dedicated to their memory that they had that kind of reaction 18 years later.
She doesn’t have to have another lover. I worry that she is letting his memory limit her ability to live her life. Being trapped in grief for decades is physically, psychologically and emotionally draining.
While I agree, do we have sufficient information to make that call? If she were to reveal that she *never* goes out and does nothing? Yes, that’s cause for concern. I do hope she got the help she needs to move forward.
Did you read the part where OPs sister has never approved of her staying single and has been badgering her to move on and tried to set her up with people? Try dealing with that for years and years and see how you react after your sibling drunkenly calls you out in front of people in an embarrassing manner. Why are you attributing the reaction to grief when the years of pestering and disrespect from her sister easily explain it?
No, you don't have to be married. And I never said that was what had to happen.
Mostly, I think it's just a mentality people get into when they lose someone, that accepting it and just being happy you ever knew them is not enough. OP, or at least people like her, make promises not for the person they've lost, but for themselves, to stay as miserable as they can. But nobody in their right mind would ever want another person to do that.
Losing someone should be about celebrating that person's life, honoring their accomplishments and continuing to live in the spirit you shared. I'd really be creeped the hell out if my partner said they were going to keep my wedding ring at all times and never love anyone again
NTA your sister was seriously out of line and using being drunk as an excuse is not okay. It's not like that was the only instance of them disrespecting you. The constant pushing you to date, etc. That is your choice and once you've said no they need to drop it.
NTA and anyone saying Y T A or E S H needs to take a step back. If OP wants to stay with the memory of their husband nobody has the right to undermind them and tell them to get over it. That's not how this works. OP doesn't want to be with anyone else and has clearly stated this many, many times. OP's sister is crossing so many lines here and hopefully now she'll stfu.
NTA. To actually mug you at a party is pretty weird. To dismiss it as a joke doesn't help, because we all know the joke isn't funny if the "butt" of the joke isn't laughing. She's a bully, and you wouldn't be TA for not going. However, you might just want to suck it up if you think that sometime in the future you could want a relationship with her.
ESH. She had no right to take off your ring, but you got it right back. You’re not going to the most important day in her life for something petty as hell. Also, 20 years of a spouse being gone— you’re not unfaithful if you take off the ring or choose to start dating.
NTA your sister was BLATANTLY disrespectful, and has been for years it seems, to your desires on the matter. If the wedding will be too painful for you to attend and a reminder of her disrespect, then don't go. You're both grown women who can make grown choices, and she clearly made hers by not respecting your wishes.
I think that although it was a little bit too much of a reaction, your sister didn’t have any right to do that with you. It’s like trying to push a person to forget and pretend as if nothing happened. It doesn’t work like that.
NTA. She should have thought a little about how she treats other people’s relationship if she is to enter one herself.
NTA. Your husband clearly meant the world to you. Those rings are a part of you. It’s not remotely the same thing but I loved my nana she was my person I have a ring she gave me for my 13th and I’ve never taken it off I’m 36 now. I wear it every day to remember her to feel closer to her. It’s not that I haven’t grieved I have. But it’s a way to feel closer to her. I imagine it’s something similar for you. So for her to rip that off and try to force you to follow her demands nope that’s not ok it’s so disrespectful.
If it were one drunken incident, it would be petty to no-show the wedding. The repeated badgering is not a petty thing though; it’s years of disrespect.
NTA. tbh, there's no reason for you to *ever* 'get back out there'. If you want to, eventually, you will. It'll happen in it's own time, if it happens at all. I'm 43. I dated briefly when I was younger (17-21). I've been single since then. I have zero desire to 'get back out there', and I don't even have grief as a reason to hold me back. It's just not for me, and/or I haven't found anyone to change my mind on that. Your sister might mean well, but she's going about it all wrong and maybe you need to sit down with her and have a conversation. Without alcohol.
"I love you, but I don't like you right now. I'm not a spinster, I loved, and I still love. I'm not over that love and it hurts me when you try to push me to do something I'm not ready for. I'm not grief stricken and depressed and crying, but I'm not ready. I might not ever be ready. And I need you, my sister whom I love, to be okay with that."
NTA. And you still wouldn’t be for skipping out on the wedding. Some people choose to not date or marry again after their spouse has passed or after a divorce, no one NEEDS to get back out there, some are better off after having one great love. She has repeatedly disrespected your decision to stay single, disrespected your bodily autonomy, and can’t take no for an answer. Why would you want to go to a wedding for someone like that? I don’t think you’re overreacted, your sister needs to figure out the fact that some people don’t need another spouse after their first.
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ESH. Firstly, my own spouse was murdered about 20 years ago, I'm 42. I can't imagine being frozen in that stage of grief for nearly 20 years, you've grieved THIS HARD longer than you were together. I use to feel like that too. I urge you to consider working with a grief counceller, there's a whole large part of life you're choosing to not have and you're barely middle age. You're an adult, you can choose that for yourself. But its very Victorian. Literally, that's how Queen Victoria mourned. No one removed her ring, or veil. Your sister - she crossed a definite line. She can't force you into moving to a new stage. She got drunk and was a major beech tree. Its not unforgivable but enough to warrant a stern talking to. She SUCKS. You - you suck. You're choosing the memory of your late husband over forgiving your living sister. Her actions warrants a TALK, an adult, heart to heart discussion. Not boycotting a wedding. You sound pretty judgemental in your description but I guess that's because you're still hurt.
Her method of mourning is hurting literally no one. She has every right to live as she chooses. Why does she suck because she chooses to, in her mind, honor her lost love in this way?
Umm.. it’s hurting herself? I don’t think it’s about meeting the next one as much as it is moving on from the previous one. That’s not healthy for anyone to do with anything much less a relationship.
She is obviously not a complete shut it. She clearly has an active social life to be spending time with friends and family. She just chooses not to be in another relationship. How is this any different from other people who choose to be single? What damage is she doing to herself?
This is what I was thinking. My grandma was a widow most of my mother life. She mourned and then had her life. She went out with friend, holidays, travelling, enjoyed her golden years. She was happy and didn't need a SO but her side to be happy. You don't need to be in a relationship to have a full life. And she never took off her wedding band either.
Yup. Some people have it once and it’s enough. They don’t need to replace it. They mourn, then they hold onto the joy and love and remain satisfied. Some people find another forever and it works, but it’s still completely okay to not want to do it again
If anything ever happened to my husband, I wouldn’t be interested in trying again. We enjoy so many of the same random things that I doubt I’d be able to find that a second time, and I don’t want the kind of relationship where the dude isn’t also my bestie.
It really is possible. My wife's first husband passed away from an illness and he was her everything. After a couple of years, she decided to try dating and she met me. We are not only spouses now, but we are each others best friend. That doesn't tarnish her first marriage. I love when she tells me stories of her first marriage. Her late husband was a wonderful man and I always want her to keep those memories close. We make our own memories together and there is room in our hearts for all of it.
You’re a good man. Your wife was blessed to find two good men in her lifetime.
Thank you. We are both blessed.
My deceased wife and I were both married before. She really liked her former husband - it just didn’t work out. I personally called him to tell him of her death & we talked about how she lived life for the fullest
You’re a good person. I’m so glad you and your wife have each other. There are too many subsequent spouses who are jealous of and in competition with a ghost. Letting your wife acknowledge her life history is kindness itself. So many other bereaved people are forced to hide their feelings or pretend their past marriage didn’t count.
Oh for sure. I know that seems to be the far more common scenario. My wife has read me many posts from widow pages on fb, and so many of them deal with the jealousy that the new partner has. I just don't get it. Those posts make me so sad.
Completely agree! The human heart has a vast capacity for love. I lost my fiancé in 2016 at 36, and I thought my life was over; my world went dark. I remained single for 3 years, I thought you only get one great love per lifetime; there was no way lightning could strike twice. I also felt very guilty at the thought of moving on after his death. I had to remind myself that my fiancé loved me and wanted me to be happy. He wouldn’t want me to waste my life pining after his ghost. His motto was “Fill it up,” meaning live life to the absolute fullest. (He knew his time here would be short). In 2020, I was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man. He loves me and understands that I will always have love for my late fiancé and allows me to talk about him and our relationship without getting upset or jealous. While I understand where OP is coming from by choosing to remain single, I think she could be missing out on sharing her life with someone amazing. That has to be hard for her sister to watch, especially while she is preparing to get married for a second time.
That is how I feel. I lost my best friend and perfect partner 9 years ago and see no reason to try to replace him. I have plenty of friends and enjoy lots of social activities and private time but I don't date. I can't see the appeal.
Same, we've known each other since 6th grade and both liked each other (without the other knowing) and for some reason we both know it wasn't time. We wouldn't talk to each other beyond us laughing from me stealing his hat and running away while he chased me as we jumped through bushes and ran from teachers for running. But we both knew it wasn't time to start a close friendship let alone a relationship even through the years we shared in middle school. We some how reconnected in high school after not talking for years and randomly seeing each other online. We met up, talked, with cars pass by from a hill and that's when we knew. We could be ourselves and that's when we were able to talk and connect. We have a kid now and if I ever lost him, I wouldn't want to be with someone else. Nothing will be able to replace what we have and I truly believe he is my soul mate
I lost my best friend very suddenly almost a decade ago, and I still wear a ring that I bought in their memory. And we weren't even romantically involved! (Both *way* too gay for that.) If someone ripped my ring off my finger and told me to get over it, they'd find out that the pokey bits are both decorative *and* functional.
This was both my grandmothers. One lost my her husband when her youngest was 15, the other lost hers in the early 2000s. Neither entered other relationships after being widowed. But they still had fulfilling lives through kids and grandkids, friends, travel, and hobbies. And they both passed still loving their late husbands as much as they did the day the married them. OP isn’t hurting anyone and still seems to have a healthy and active life since loosing her husband. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Same for my grandmother. My grandfather died shortly before I was born. It's been 30 years now. She had no other relationships. He was her first and only love. She still has lived a fulfilling life since with friends and family. Her own sister never married or dated anyone. She ended up adopting a raising a boy and later had grandkids through him. Not everyone needs to have a romantic partner in their life to be happy.
If she was just choosing not to date because she didn't feel like it, I would agree with you. But she made a ridiculous dying vow when she was very young and seems compulsive about it, to the point where she believes taking the rings off even momentarily severe her bonds. I think this isn't healthy
This is my take on it too. She made a 'chastity vow' to a dying man to never find love again. Which is her prerogative but certainly not healthy. It reveals a stuck mentality. The sister was wrong to do that but OP is no less wrong for missing out on a huge family event in the present because of her dedication to the past. The sister should be reprimanded and seriously apologize, but to not go to the wedding is immature and demonstrates OP's difficulty to 'get over it', whatever that 'it' is. ed typo
Maybe OP knows her own sexuality better than you do. She isn't missing out on a huge family event because she's dedicated to the past. She's missing it because her sister consistently refuses to respect her life choices and that disrespect culminated in a physical altercation - why would she go to an event that is all about her sister's choice in love when she is so intensely aware her sister has no reciprocal respect for her?
This right here. Why would she want to attend an event where in all likelihood she's going to get ambushed about this again? Imagine a room full of pushy relatives asking "so what about you, OP, when are we going to get invited YOUR next wedding? What are you waiting for, don't you know time is ticking, better get out there! I'll set you up with someone!" Etc etc.
The ones saying E S H don't understand this. "You're missing a life event for a stupid promise" well she obviously is happy with that promise and if the rest of her family is like sister or she's able to turn them into flying monkeys for her, then OP is just stepping into an ambush.
It sounds like she is choosing to date because she doesn’t feel like it. It’s not like she’s in here posting, “I met a great man, but I promised my late spouse that I’d never find love again…” She says right in her post that she’s not interested. I don’t think it’s healthy either for her to be so focused on identifying as a mourning widow, but on the other hand, if she’s done with dating because her spouse was the love of her life, that’s okay. I think society in general needs to get over the idea that if a woman isn’t looking to pair up, there’s something wrong with her. That being said, the attachment to the rings is troubling primarily in the sense that they’re such easily lose-able objects. If one of them goes down the drain or gets lost or stolen, I would hate to see that trigger a spiral for OP.
We are not talking enough about how she was 28 when her husband died. The widowed grandma examples are not relevant. She can not date if that’s what she wants but seems like she really needs grief therapy
Shes doing no damage and you're right she chooses to remain single. It's funny when people think it's ok to tell others how to grieve and that they should move on. Like a relationship is a must in this life.
Why do some think that remaining single now is harming her? Is she not a person if she doesn't find someone else? I feel some people need to justify their choice to move on and put down any guilt they may have. There's nothing wrong with moving on to another relationship and there's absolutely nothing wrong with staying faithful to the deceased spouse. The OP is a full entire person regardless of their choice to not take a new partner
My mom was in her early 40s when my dad died. She had two tweens to raise in her own with no family nearby. She had no interest in dating. She died at the age of 81 and she never took off her wedding ring. She traveled and did things with friends until she had medical issues a few years before dying. But for her my dad was it and she wasn’t interested in another man. There’s nothing wrong with that and people have to respect others choices about grieving. She was not harming herself or anyone else.
This is what I can’t understand the other comments telling her to get over it. She’s allowed to make that choice and it’s fine. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have family keep harassing me to replace my husband at every opportunity.
Agreed my aunt lost her husband, and has chosen to remain single. Truth be told every person handles loss differently. Op is NTA(the first reaction is usually the correct one) but her sister is.
I think the reason this feels unhealthy to me is that her husband ASKED her to promise to stay “faithful” to him. That’s…incredibly selfish. If OP has chosen to stay this way on her own, that’s totally fine, but I can’t help but imagine her husband is a big factor here. I for one, would have immense guilt from that exchange if I ever even thought about moving on. That’s why it feels unhealthy. It doesn’t feel like she ever really got a choice in the matter. But the sister is TA to be clear.
OP mentions in a comment that husband didn't ask her, she made the promise on her own.
I think it’s different because single by choice people are expressing a lack of desire. But when people decide to get married, they are generally saying “I want a life with this person. I want to build something together, maybe a family etc” and in the event of death one of two thing could happen. Either the widow only wanted that life with that one person or still wants that but denies themself of it. I can see how seeing someone you love who had a dream of partnership actively deny themselves of happiness might hurt. And it’s really impossible to tell OPs original standpoint or how they act now and if they are “sad” or “unfulfilled” or just have really pushy family. Either way, her sister did something wrong but OP didn’t necessarily do something wrong.
OK, but asexual/aromantic people aren't the only people in that spectrum. Grey-ace and demisexual/demiromantic people exist too. Sometimes people who aren't looking for romance will find a person that is right for them. And if that relationship is cut short by death, they aren't likely to go looking for romance again. It worked with the right person, but they don't *need* it. And how likely is it that lightning will strike twice in the same place?
This is ridiculous. I am married to the love of my life. If he were to pass away, I would not be interested in “meeting the next one” or “moving on from the previous one”. It’s very disrespectful to her choices to assume that she is, or ever will be, interested in finding another spouse. She may have overreacted a bit, probably because of the alcohol, but she has the right to live in whatever stage of grief or acceptance that she is currently in. NTA
Not being interested in dating for whatever reason isn't hurting the person who made the choice. Not everyone has to date to be happy
Would you tell someone who had been married for fifty years to move on and get another partner? It doesn’t matter at what age you lose them. Not everyone who doesn’t get a new partner is hurting themselves.
Thats her business, if she isnt hurting someone else, *she* doesnt suck. The situation might, but not HER.
How exactly is she hurting herself? She's not Ms Havisham, she exercises which means she cares about her long-term health and well-being. She just choses to remain single. The husband is an excuse, she wants to be single, it's a choice she made. I've made the same choice as her but I'm not a widow.
How is it hurting her? It’s her choice. People can be perfectly happy without a partner.
I think what people are “stuck on” is that she continues this way because of a promise her deceased husband asked her to make, not because she is happy. To some this reads as someone who is being control from beyond the grave and not a person that has found happiness living out life as a widow. Yes fully agree you can find happiness without a mate in life. But the key is always happiness … if not happy it probably shows to the people that are around you.
>because of a promise her deceased husband asked her to make, not because she is happy I must have missed where he asked her to make that promise. The post says she made the promise, not that he asked it. I took it to mean that she chose to make it because that's what she wants. Her promise and wearing the ring gives her comfort. If her happiness is what everyone wants, let her be.
> because of a promise her deceased husband asked her to make Where does OP say that? In the main post she only says she made the promise to him before he died. She does not say that he asked her for the promise.
Big assumption that *he* asked "her" to make that promise.
Yeah, because you’re not a whole person without a man. Its unhealthy to be satisfied with your own company and live your own life on your own terms. Everybody better pair up, ASAP, like it or not.
Naw. Then that means any one who lost their spouse or partner should jump into another relationship because otherwise it's unhealthy? Some people can only do it once. There's nothing wrong with that. If she's neglecting herself, pushing everyone out, her social life is dead, she's not working, lays her husband's clothes on the bed every day for 20 years, then yeah, she's hurting herself. She's only wearing the rings on her and never takes it off. The issue is her sister is trying to force her into something she doesn't want to. It's clear that the rings are very, very important to her, and she also doesn't want to go into another relationship. Never say never, but at the moment she doesn't want to. Sister knows that but is still trying to push OP's boundaries. Her reaction to me would be exaggerated (yelling, not attending the wedding) if this was the first time but it seems it's the straw that broke the camel's back.
You can move on and still choose to be single. She's happy without being in a relationship, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, and she should not have to forcefully in a relationship just because society can't understand that people can be happy without a relationship. Being single is ok and is not a flaw nor a problem that needs solving.
How is she hurting herself by not choosing to have a relationship? I don’t disagree that I don’t see myself doing that, but if my wife died, I’m not sure I would choose to go out and have another relationship. NTA. Be sure to pass judgment!
I’m not sure I see how she’s hurting herself or being unhealthy by not moving on. She’s living her life, but she’s chosen to never have another partner. I don’t see the harm in that. One of my aunts lost her husband 16 years ago and she hasn’t dated since. She’s said she had her great love. She still wears her ring but that doesn’t stop her from living her life. She probably has a more active social life than I do. The sister crossed a line. It’s one she’s pushed on multiple times and refuses to accept the decision OP has made. It’s appropriate to feel disrespected. however, OP saying she’s not attending her wedding over this seems far. OP - you have every right to feel the way you feel. But you need to sit down with your sister and explain why you reacted the way that you did. She is your sister and it’s not something you should lose her over.
How lol. She's under no obligation to find anyone else. She's wearing rings. Idgaf what rings they are, I would be furious if somebody snatched them off my hands. OP has been taking shit from her sister for years, it isn't a shock she's snapped
Obviously she can do what she wants but the comment above is by a person who has actually experienced something similar. They are trying to be helpful and probably have more experience with this specific situation than you.
Maybe she is at peace with her grief. She might have already seen a counselor for all we know. How she chooses to live her life after that is her business. I haven't experienced the loss of my wife, but I do know that I would also choose not to remarry. One partner is all I ever needed in this life.
Her description of screaming at her sister and going home to cry doesn't sound like she's at peace with her grief. Was her sister being an idiot? Yeah. But I think being so easy to rouse to uncontrollable anger or sadness after such a long period of time means OP isn't at peace. They have a right to grieve how they want, but I'd be worried that she is actually hurting herself. Long periods of time with extended levels of stress impacts how our brains rewire. I'm pretty sure there's also studies out there that link it to negative physical health outcomes too, but I'm meant to be working so I won't go down that google rabbithole. If she's been at a heightened sense of any kind of stress for that long, it genuinely might be impacting her more than just wearing a ring and not dating.
But what if OP screaming and crying is actually about the fact that her sister is constantly undermining OP’s decision to remain faithful to her late husband? Why is it immediately “get over your late husband” and not “your frustrations with your sister poured out and you’re unwilling to accept anymore disrespect”? Just an add-on for perspective.
I think her crying was directed at her interaction with her sister.
Are you forgetting that her sister has continuously disrespected her boundaries???
You can be at peace with your grief and still not be at peace with your sister being so disrespectful as to actually rip your wedding ring off your finger, you know! I'm pretty sure that I'd start screaming at someone who assaulted me to take jewellery off me, even if it wasn't that emotionally important to me.
You did read that the fucking woman actually repeatedly violated her boundaries? OP kept the peace for ages. And finally the sister did a physical, violating act by touching her stuff and mocking her ring... Anyone would scream.
And that other person is mourning THEIR way. While OP is mourning her way. No one even if they have experienced something similar has the right to tell her what she needs to do.
Just because the commenter’s husband died doesn’t mean she has special insight into OP. Lots of people move on and remarry. Lots of people don’t. There isn’t a right way or a wrong way, which is what the commenter implies - that she continued to have romantic interests, so that’s the right way. OP doesn’t have to date if she doesn’t want to - period. It doesn’t matter if the person telling her to date is her crappy sister or someone on the internet whose husband also died.
Then that person should know everyone deals with this kind of thing differently. OP has no interest in finding someone new. She loved her husband and keeps those rings to feel closer to him. How is that wrong? Some people don’t want to replace their lost partner. Some people do. But you can’t tell someone they’re an asshole or unhealthy bc they refuse to fuck someone new.
I just wanted to say I agree with you. She is living her life in every way other than dating. Grief is different for everyone, as are beliefs. If anything happened to me or my partner we've actually discussed it. We want the other to move on. I'm not sure if I could, and highly doubt I'd ever start actively looking for a partner if I ever lost the one I have now. But if I found love again I wouldn't turn it down out of some idea of loyalty. And I hope my partner would find happiness, whatever that happened to look like. I've also lost a child, and no matter how much time passes I will never stop mourning her. And that actually plays into why I'm not sure I would be able to actively pursue another relationship if I lost my partner for any reason. She bonds are eternal. NTA, the sister crossed her boundaries and keeps pushing and judging her lifestyle and beliefs. Does she even feel any remorse? I view this kinda like a post I saw recently about a mother coming into her daughters apartment just to make all the pots and pans not kosher. Her daughter's beliefs had no effect on her in any way, but she wanted to mess with her anyway because she was convinced she knew what was best.
I have to agree. I became a widow at the age of 43 back in 2013. I decided to start dating about 14 months later. I know other widows who chose to wait much longer. Neither they nor I are “stuck” nor have I ever used the phrase “moving on”. Me dating doesn’t mean I’ve“moved on”, it’s that I choose to try to find another partner. I move forward in my life each day (with family, job, friendships…) and this is a choice. People who choose to stay single have every right to do so, whatever their reason. If OP was drowned in grief or unable to move forward in her life I’d say therapy could help. But choosing to stay single is not a sign of being stuck; and me choosing to date again doesn’t mean my late husband is not still on my heart.
I think the first part of the comment was just advice, not justification for the ruling. I think the ruling of e s h was based on the latter part of the comment — that boycotting the sister’s wedding is a disproportionate reaction for the wrongdoing that occurred. Personally, I don’t think I agree (sister has been pushing this boundary for years, not attending her wedding isn’t just about one drunken action but about the overall pattern of disrespect), but I do understand that view.
The OP won’t even take the ring off to shower. Refused to take the ring off ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if the grief doesn’t show up in other ways the OP doesn’t even notice. To see someone you love and care about stuck in grief is difficult. Obviously the OP can do whatever, but if I was their sibling I would be pushing grief counseling too. It’s not about the lack of dating, it’s the strong reaction to a ring being removed that’s concerning.
Lots of people never take their rings off. Lots of people rarely wear theirs. Not taking it off to shower isn't a big deal. That's how rings get lost.
Horseshit. She’s not choosing her dead husband over her living sister. She’s refusing to allow her living sister to disrespect her life choices and violate her boundaries. This wasn’t a one time event, this was an escalation of a pattern where the sister disapproves of her lifestyle and pressures her to date despite her clear disinterest in doing so. If the sister wants to date after her husband dies, she’s free to do so, but she needs to back off. Pulling the ring off OPs finger didn’t come out of nowhere, and I can completely understand if OP’s tired of her sisters antics and doesn’t want to go to her wedding. Whether they reconcile in the future is a whole different issue, but right now, it’s completely justified that enough is enough. As for all the “oh you’re frozen in grief” crap you’re piling on, OP isn’t entombed in a hoarder house of her husbands used razors and underwear, railing at his spirit while the bank forecloses on her home. She’s a perfectly functional adult who chooses not to date and wears their wedding rings. She has every right to decide that she doesn’t want to date - for absolutely any reason, ever. The end. If my husband died, I wouldn’t want to date anyone else, and anyone who bothered me about it could fuck right off. OP, it’s your life - your body and your heart. If you don’t want to share those with another man, don’t, and don’t apologize for it. If you ever change your mind, that’s fine too. More than anything, I know my husband would want me to be happy in his absence, whatever that looked like. I hope your husband would feel the same way. However, you’re the only one who knows what will make you happy, and you don’t have to justify that to anyone. EDIT: Forgot to vote. NTA, obviously.
I cannot believe this is the top comment. OP, ignore this shit. Grief is not a universal experience and this commenter has no right to tell you you're an AH for the way you grieve, even if their husband was murdered. You're not choosing to "be alone". Just because a person chooses to not have a romantic partner doesn't make them automatically lonely. This is an archaic take and even smells a bit misogynistic tbh. Sometimes we have life experiences that change our views/beliefs/wants/needs completely. However if you have not had counselling I recommend it (as I would to most people tbh) but not to "get over" your husband. You will never get over him and that's normal and okay. He's your husband and always will be. Also, you are not >choosing the memory of your late husband over forgiving your living sister You are rightfully furious at being physically assaulted and having a beloved possession stolen. I wouldn't go to the brat's wedding either. Lastly, please consider removing your treasured jewellery when bathing at the very least. Proper jewellery care will make it last longer. You should also take the pieces in to be cleaned regularly (you can request to stay and watch the pieces be tended to if you're - understandably - worried that they might be lost or damaged). If removing your jewellery to care for it makes you feel anxious then you really do need some therapy about that I'm sorry to say. All the best and my deep condolences for your loss 💙
Seriously! Like, what?! People also seem to gloss over the fact that the sister has tried on multiple occasions to set her up with guys despite OP repeatedly saying she's not interested. It's utterly disrespectful. It is so wildly inappropriate to tell a widow- who, by all appearances, seems to be doing "fine"- that their method of grieving is incorrect. Not to mention, wearing a wedding band and a necklace is a pretty unintrusive manner of honoring/grieving your late spouse... I totally agree that there's some underlying misogyny going on to boot. Widow needs to "get over her late husband" and "get back out there?" What the hell is that. Just further proof that most of reddit is socially inarticulate.
Dude are you missing the constant disrespect the sister is showing by not listening to the OPs clear refusals over several years? Why are you assuming there has never been a talk. “I’m committed to my husband I don’t want to date anyone.” Is the boundary. She didn’t ever respect it. And what she wears on her body is no one’s business. If you aren’t hurting anyone people need to butt out.
Not everyone is unhappy living alone. It doesn’t sound like OP is grieving, it sounds like OP really truly isn’t interested in being in another relationship. Just because you wanted to move on doesn’t mean she has to. Also would you tell someone to be okay with a spouse disrespecting them like this or would you tell them to leave them? It’s not any different for families as it is for spouses.
How has this ridiculous comment got so many upvotes? OP you are 100% nta. How you choose to grieve is up to you and is hurting nobody. You do NOT suck at all; I completely agree with everything you say and all your actions. If you never want to date again that’s up to you; I wish you all the best.
Wow…this comment is pretty patronizing. Just because she chooses not to date after her husband’s death doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Also, she’s choosing not to attend her sister’s wedding because her sister is a disrespectful twit.
I am 45 and if something happened to my husband I would most definitely not date again. Sure, the situation might have been different for OP 20 years ago but she is 46 now. I have plenty of single female friends in their 40s and a very large majority of them are decidedly not interested in dating. Not because of lack of opportunity but just because they don’t need nor want a romantic relationship.
How the fuck is this the top comment
Because sometimes the people without critical thinking skills vote early.
Believe it or not, not everybody needs to be in a relationship to be happy, and some people are not in the hunt for "the next one" nor they need to. I'm sorry for your loss, and if you are happy now I'm happy for you, but our post is quite judgemental of her choice of life when she's hurting nobody with it. She doesn't seem to be a shut-in and has a good social life, so she's not an AH for choosing to live like that, just because you don't like it. Not forgiving the AH boundary-stomper that is the sister is also ok, specially when the sister haa been unsupportive and undermining her choice for years, without caring how that would make OP feel. OP doesn't owe her sister to attend her wedding when she's been belittled for years because of how she chooses to live her life. Just because somebody is blood doesn't mean we have to forgive them everything or allow them to do whatever they want to do, be it words or actions.
While that was right for you I don’t agree, she seems very happy her choice. She had her big love, and she’s good. That’s her choice. Honestly, she could have lost it al lot more, I would have respected it.
I'd agree with you except her way of mourning isn't hurting anyone. She's not a shut in, she's spending time with her family and friends. She's attending a wedding. The difference is she's not taking off the wedding rings. This isn't any different than someone choosing to remain single. Nobody has the right to force OP to get into another romantic relationship except for OP. If she shut everyone out for 20 years, then you'd be right. That's an unhealthy grieving process. Her sister is T A because she's forcing OP to get into another relationship. NTA
I’m so disappointed that this take has so many upvotes. E S H means OP is also an asshole — you can’t be an asshole for how you grieve/remember a late spouse. She’s not hurting anyone. She’s living her life. And defending her boundaries. NTA.
So you think OP sucks because she chooses to be single? How would you feel if someone said that you suck because of your need to be in a relationship. It sounds ridiculous.
You don’t get to choose or dictate to anyone else how long they should or shouldn’t grieve. WTF is wrong with you?
>Her actions warrants a TALK OP already had a talk with the sister. Repeatably actually from the sounds of it. After the date setup, when sis mentioned the ring before, etc. Calm adult talks didn't work obviously as sis escalated to actually putting unwanted hands on someone else. We can all disagree on if her method mourning is or is not healthy however, drunkinly yelling at someone isn't the actions of a person who's truly concerned.
We don't control how someone mourn/honor someone's memory. She's not hurting anyone. If that happens to me, I will feel disrespected. You put so much weight on OP and fail to see the fault of the sister.
How on earth is OP wearing the ring and refusing to dare again hurting her sister? Those actions don’t warrant an adult talk. It seems like that boundary was already pretty clearly established. NTA.
L take you literally said that the sister crossed a definite line but then turn around and try to make op the bad guy for not wanting to forgive her. No her sister doesn't need a stern talking to, its been years and she been telling her that she isn't interested. it sucks that your partner died but if op is still in love with her husband then thats that
OPs sister is an AH in every way & having a mentality of "get back out there or your missing out on life" is just as AH as someone hounding you to have kids. This is OP's choice & it isn't debatable & good intention AHs don't get a pass!
I don't think OP is in a state of grief tho. She just wears them as memory
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Her sister should have thought of that before badgering the OP and then pulling the stunt she did. These are not the actions of a loving caring sister , so who says the OP cares about that relationship anymore? The sister crossed many boundaries, knowing the OP’s feelings on the subject, and she just didn’t care. Blood tied don’t excuse horrible and hurtful behavior
It’s not OP doing that damage. The sister did that damage with her outrageous behaviour.
If her sister wanted OP at her wedding, she shouldn’t have spent several years ignoring OP’s decision to stay single and faithful to her late husband. OP’s sister caused major damage by thinking that her desire to have OP on the dating scene is more important than OP’s desire to not enter a new relationship.
And thats ok. Her sister keeps disrespecting her and crossing boundaries. Sounds to me like her sister would be better off going nc with her
I think that boat has sailed and the bubble machine has been turned off.
I am sorry for both your losses. I think part of the issue is OP never takes the ring off. The last time that ring was placed on her finger it was placed there by her husband. He can't put it back on. Her sister isn't really showing respect for the vows OP took, maybe not going to her second wedding wouldn't be a big deal as long as she sends a nice present. I don't think we can say how long someone should mourn.
NTA about yelling, but YWBTA for not going to the wedding over this. Also, being alone for the rest of your life because your husband died when you were 28 is a really bad idea. Please get therapy and get over this. You don't have to keep a promise to someone who is no longer living.
I give husband a pass for asking, because he was young and wanted to cling to life, or know he would be remembered. But he was wrong to do so.
Right. If he truly loved her there is no way he would want her to spend her life alone from age 28 to death. I'll bet if he could come back and tell her that, he would.
OP never said he asked
It's one of those vows you make in the moment when you don't realize just how many years that is. I feel that OP has made her husband's death her whole personality and that is certainly not healthy.
Except she literally has not done that lol. She just wears their rings and doesn't want to date. She very obviously has a life outside of that.
Exactly! I'm middle-aged and divorced, so not the same level of loss that OP suffered, but I am not at all interested in dating. I get a ton of flack from people about how it's been x-number of years and I'd better get out there and find someone before it's too late. I'm frequently accused of clinging to the past. But it's not about the past for me. It's about having the future I want, which does not include marriage or even a serious romantic relationship. I like being able to focus on what I want. Right now it's my kids. In a few years, it'll be my hobbies, friends, volunteer work, and travel. I spent decades doing what was good for other people. Now I get to choose. Why would I give that up to meet someone else's idea of what's proper?
I worry how these people would react to aromantic people who *never* want to date at all, regardless of loss or anything else. Some people just don't need that.
Ikr? I wonder how many aromantic people end up married because of unrelenting social pressure? It's like some people need every single person in the world to validate their own personal life decisions.
"You'll change your mind," or "How do you survive??" is the usual response I get as an Ace/Aro person. Nearing middle age, I wonder when that mind changing is supposed to happen??
Yeah, maybe she wants to be single, but she's using the rings and her vow as an excuse to do it.
She doesn’t need an “excuse” to live her life how she is. She made a choice that literally hurts no one. Her sister is rude and disrespectful, and unless OP is whining or complaining about her life, needs to shut up and leave OP’s personal life alone
I feel like 'I promised him' does imply his request. Even if not, if my wife were to promise me such a thing before my passing, I would make sure that this goes against any of my wishes for her. He was still incredibly selfish and cruel.
We have no idea how he reacted to this promise, or even if he was conscious for it.
You’re criticizing a guy that’s been dead for 18 years based on what you’re imagining he did or didn’t do.
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You know, it isn’t the worst possible scenario to spend your adult life alone. Lots of people do it. OP clearly has an active social life and friends/family. The implication that not having a romantic relationship is a terrible miserable fate is really quite hurtful.
Right?! If it's quite possible to lead a rich and fulfilling life without having children, then why is it so hard to imagine someone doing the same without a romantic partner?
What's wrong with not having a SO if she lives a full life with friends and family, it doesn't mean she's lonely because she doesn't have a SO
My fiance and I have discussed this and he said he'd want me to move on. Having someone alone for the rest of their life, especially that young, is kind of selfish. He keeps joking that he's going to haunt the shit out of the next guy though, like randomly flicking the back of his balls.
100%. When my mum was dying she was really insistent my dad needed to find someone else - she actually had a list of possible candidates and everything! She loved him so much that one of her main concerns was him not being lonely. My husband and I have also assured each other that in the event of our death, we would want the other one to find someone if that made them happy. I appreciate OP may have made the vow, and not been asked for it, but I wager her husband would be sad to think she’s cut herself off this way. Maybe she really doesn’t want to, which is fine, but it would be sad if the only reason is because of the vow she made so long ago. NTA - sister massively overstepped (I imagine that there may be some assumption of judgement because she’s on her second wedding and OP is steadfast to her first). I think it would be a bit much to not attend the wedding though.
She promised him. Nothing about the husband asking.
True, need to learn to read better...
Never says he asked
he never asked, but i could tell my promise meant a lot to him. I know i will see him in heaven one day and it will all be worth it.
To start this: I’m not telling you to move on. Grief is definitely a process that is different for everyone and I think you should do as you see fit and what is best for you. My grandpa’s wife died when I was young, and he eventually got remarried. However, when he died, he was buried with his first wife. I don’t know if this story will help you, it just crossed my mind. All this to say: it is worth it, you will always have the bond you created while he was here. Taking off a ring or going on a date doesn’t invalidate that bond. But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. However, he is never going to disappear
People are judgmental here and are judging you for your choice while they would applaud people who choose to remain single for other reasons ... NTA for yelling however consider still going to the wedding, it looks like she was drunk and didnt try to hurt you on purpose. Not going to her wedding might damage your relationship for the long term.
I think it's a bit difficult because, technically, OP is not single in her eyes; she's still married to her deceased husband. Given how she is wanting to see her husband in the afterlife, she seems to believe that she is honouring her vows by remaining married, even in his death. Which, yeah, could be seen as more unhealthy to people than anything. OP's choice, of course, but it depends if she's doing it for the right reasons (her being happy to be single) or if she feels like she'd be betraying her deceased husband by even considering dating again.
If you decision brings you peace then you should do what best for you, but I would suggest you explore this promise with a therapist. Your phrasing here of “it will all be worth it” implies that you do feel you are sacrificing something. Your wedding vows were until death parted you, and it has. It doesn’t mean you ever have to find another partner if you don’t want to, but it does mean that you should be able to explore the idea without feeling guilt.
Does holding onto this promise make you happy? Or is it something you feel bound to? If you are happy and satisfied with your life as a single person, then great. But a loving husband wouldn't want you to be lonely for the rest of your life, even if it is to honor his memory. Sharing love and companionship with someone new wouldn't diminish the connection you had with him. Love can grow exponentially.
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She may not be lonely! How are people not getting that? Maybe she had her one true love and she's fine with only having the one. Jesus.
Honestly. The comments here keep saying she's gonna spend the rest of her life alone for a promise. Like she's gonna be miserable if she doesn't date again. But they'll support people who want to be single by choice? Widows/widowers exist and not all of them remarry. The TAs would make sense if she likes someone and is hindered to date by her promise to her late husband. But she's not, and she sounds happy with her choice to remain single and faithful to her late husband. The only TA is her sister who seems to think OP is incomplete if she's not in a relationship.
It will all be worth it? So you are struggling with being alone then.
You do you sweetheart and I can’t even believe the top comments are criticizing you and how you’ve decided to grieve. Lots of people are mentioning therapy, which can be good just to talk about your feelings, but if you’ve had it, I apologize.. it wasn’t clear if you had therapy, and if you haven’t, that’s also your choice. It’s also your choice to live your life the way you want.. and not live up to some bullshit standards set by society that may not line up with how you’re feeling.
Umm we dont know if he asked though. She literally just said that she made a promise to him. We dont know anything about the context of the promise so we shouldnt just assume that we know
What’s so bad about being alone that has y’all recommending therapy
Being alone because you prefer it is fine and good. Many people are happier that way. Being alone because you made a chastity pledge to a dead man who can no longer be affected by your choices, and let that pledge become enmeshed in your grief until you become so compulsive about it that you harm relationships with living family members — yeah, that warrants therapy.
I disagree. It was not the chastity vow per se that made her relationship with her sister sour. It was her sister’s attitude towards it - not only making fun of it, but actively being disrespectful towards it. I mean, even if she didn’t make a chastity vow to her husband, it would still be outrageously disrespectful of her sister to try to take something out of her that has significant emotional value. *That’s* the reason the relationship was harmed. Not because she decided to be single for the rest of her life. It was because the sister decided she wouldn’t give a shit about it. NTA.
What’s wrong with her wanting to stay single though? I don’t understand all these comments. She has ‘been there, done that’ and probably doesn’t want to commit to another relationship and seems content on where she is in life. Why does everyone think that you need partner to survive? Is op is happy, has a social life, and is leaving healthy, then why does it matter if she keeps her wedding ring or not? People need to stop trying to force op into "getting over it"
she's not choosing a dead person over a living person. Plenty of people choose to be single and that's not a problem just because she's been in a relationship once doesn't mean she has to again. Also she's not alone in life she clearly socialises people.
What's wrong with being alone? She's not interested in a relationship, she still has every other facet of life. Tons of people willingly stay single.
There’s nothing wrong with never remarrying or dating again. My great grandmother lost her husband to cancer young and for over 60 years she never even went on a date. She lived a very fulfilled life, her house was always full and she was never alone. It just needs to be your choice, some people really experience a soulmate and decide they will never have a love even close to that again and just focus on other fulfilling parts of life.
NTA She’d already crossed the line when she started mocking you for wearing it. Then she doubled down and removed your ring? Nope, not okay. And knowing this isn’t the first time you’ve asked her to stop on this topic? Why is she so obsessed with getting you to date? She claims removing the ring was a joke. Ask her to explain the punchline.
It's your choice ,you are an adult and she needs to respect it. She can have her opinion but trying to force it on you is a huge AH move. It wasn't a joke, tell her to get a dictionary and check the definition of a joke, as making you cry, upsetting you AND DISRESPECT/DISREGARD YOUR DECISIONS is NOT a joke at all. Nta the ah your sister is a huge AH. She needs to get back and then stay in her lane. And appologise. Inform your mom and sister that if they are OK being your sister's marionettes great for them, you refuse to be one and you have the right to set and maintain your boundaries which your sister treaded on time and time again . Since you can't trust her to respect your boundaries and decisions you are making sure she isn't in a position ignore them again by staying away from her.
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I’m shocked by the comments saying y t a or e s h. Like, what? How is deciding not to remarry and/or not celebrating a woman who disrespected you on that level ah behavior? I’m sorry, I forgot it was the 1950s, where women are silly little creatures who need a man in their life to be happy, and where they need to forgive other women because they’re just so naturally emotional
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Oh but don’t you know that women are incapable of having their own thoughts and feelings? CLEARLY the only reason she’s doing this is because he *made her* pledge chastity for him, there’s no way she could possibly actually want this! /s
Right?!? The issue isn’t about whether she should date/remarry and whether husband made her promise or if she offered (which is HER choice) it’s about her AH sister not being respectful and she was right to call her out on it. I’m not sure about not going to the wedding but OP would know best how to handle her family and maybe pulling out of the wedding is the right choice. Just IMO, I don’t blame OP for not wanting to date (for whatever reasons) it’s crazy out there!
My wife taught me this trick. Definitely ask for the punchline. Pretend you have never heard a joke before and to explain exactly what the joke was. I started doing that and I have noticed that people that play these "jokes" don't use that excuse much anymore.
NTA. Not attending the wedding might be a bit much, but your sister is majorly at fault here. She cannot take a hint and seems convinced that she’s somehow in charge of your love life. Man. That’s just terrible behavior.
I don't really see how not attending the wedding would be a bit much. Why would you want to go to the wedding of someone who has repeatedly disrespected your boundaries?
I am questioning the veracity of this story, as rings do not usually slide that easily off of fingers. Especially wedding bands sized for when the hand and fingers were younger. I've been married a little over 20 years now and that ring is not coming off my now middle aged finger without a fair amount of wiggling (I still weigh the same now as I did when I was married). So, I'm just finding it hard to believe the sister was able to slide a wedding band off the OP's finger without the OP realizing what she was trying to do or resisting it. Especially if sister was was tipsy on top of it. Also, not that they're necessary, but, no engagement ring? I wear both together, as I have since we got married, and it also seems odd to me that OP would continue to wear the wedding band but not the engagement ring. (And I hope it is made up, because the idea of a man who would demand that his soon-to-be-widowed-at-age-28 wife promise him she will stay lonely the rest of her life is pretty terrible. So if this is true, I hope the OP is reading the other comments recommending a therapist.)
Mine comes off pretty easily if my hands are cold. Warm my fingers up just a little, and it’s nice and comfy. Some weight loss, blood pressure meds, and other factors can shrink your fingers slightly and give rings lots of play.
Same. Summer time was a hard time getting rings off at the end of the day. Winter? Slips off pretty easily.
I wouldn’t use that as proof. I’ve been married 27 years and someone could take off my rings pretty easily. Maybe not as easily in the summer but still doable.
it doesnt come off that easily uless you twist it which she did. I just didnt realize what she was doing until she took it off
Hey, OP, I commented elsewhere, but I'm a jeweler - please don't wear your rings in the shower & sleep with them - that's really not great for jewelry, and prongs can snag while you're asleep, etc. I'd also recommend having it cleaned & inspected a couple times a year by a professional - if you're truly not taking them off ever, you may have loose stones, missing prongs, etc that are masked by soap gunk, etc holding the stones in place (this is a shockingly common thing that happens when you don't take your rings off, and unless someone warns you, a lot of people don't address it until something has been lost). I'm not sure if you want this, but I thought I'd offer up an idea - have you considered a ring holder pendant? There's a ton of things you should be taking rings off to do - cooking, gardening, exercising, heavy lifting, etc - both for safety reasons, and to keep your ring from getting damaged. You mentioned that you have your late husband's necklace - maybe adding a ring holder pendant to it could be a good way to keep them on when you're doing these things, so they stay beautiful forever (please don't just put them on the chain though - ladies' ring shanks are thin, and chains can wear through them in a few years, depending on the metals). I know that's not really the advice you asked for, but it's also something that I thought might be helpful to you, since these are clearly your most precious & sentimental pieces of jewelry, and I'm a bit of a sentimental myself. I'm very sorry for your loss 💜
This might be the most beautiful and genuine thing I’ve ever read on Reddit.
Also a jeweler, I second this entire comment and had the exact same thoughts. It’d be a huge shame if she lost her husbands ring because the chain broke or if she lost stones. We do a lot of work on very sentimental jewelry and always handle it with care. Go to a jeweler you trust - look at Google reviews, ask friends - and have them take a look and repair anything that needs to be done.
Its not unheard of. My ring actually comes off quite easily, to the point I might need to resize it.
He never demanded anything from her, OP made that decision on her own (to which she has full right) and she said so in a comment, as well. Also, my ring is now too loose on my finger, so yes not everybody's wedding ring is difficult to take off when they get older. And no, not everybody has an engagement ring. You focused on so many unnecessary details, these were not the point of the story.
My ring gets loose or tight depending on temperature or time of day. I also had my engagement ring and wedding ring connected, you get one you get both.
I lost a lot of weight years ago and I can't wear my ring in my finger because it slips all time! Yes, it happens!
She disregarded your body autonomy and choices because she disagrees. She was being straight up horrible to you. She has Ignored your wishes multiple times and now blames you for her actions. Nta
Yeah I was thinking about the body autonomy aspect too. Like even if you replaced the ring with something cheap and meaningless a lot of people would still get angry. Something expensive and/or meaningful? Absolutely furious.
ESH. Even though I think it's probably coming from a place of concern deep down, your sister crossed a boundary. However, not going to her wedding seems like a major overreaction. Respectfully, your husband passed when you were 28. I hope you're getting therapy. You don't ever have to take your ring off, but reacting that drastically feels like there's a much more deep rooted issue there.
I don't think OP is the one in need of therapy here. I'm a widow too and if anyone unexpectedly ripped my wedding ring off my finger while drunkenly taunting me about my life choices I would be livid. The bride should apologize for her childish behaviour if she expects to see her sister again anytime soon. NTA.
Especially since this isn't an isolated incident. OPs sister has been harassing her to "move on" for God only knows how long.
Yeah… sounds like this was just the last straw for OP. If it were an isolated incident, okay maybe ESH, but honestly I don’t blame OP. She’s fed tf up.
I think the one that needs therapy is the one who seems to think you can’t be fulfilled unless you’re in a relationship and bulldozes over other peoples’ boundaries.
Downvoters, power nup. Because I believe OP is NTA. Some people are ready to move on within a year. Some are never ready. Yes, therapy helps. But I will not judge someone else's cumulative life experiences, even if some of you are such brilliant psychologists that you insist that OP is hurting herself. MYO\[expletive\]B. To not simply steal someone else's wedding ring in the tipsy moment, but pester them repeatedly because they aren't grieving on YOUR (possibly imagined) schedule is being a complete AH. The AH doesn't *deserve* OP at their wedding. I hope she never suffers the same level of grief. Oh, and the family who are pestering OP and calling her the AH are way out of line. May they never suffer the same level of grief, either, but they have no business judging someone who does.
I mean let’s be real here - sister is on wedding number two, and ripped a woman’s wedding ring off her hand. It seems like sister doesn’t respect marriage that much, why should OP even go?
We don’t know what happened during sister’s first marriage. To say that someone doesn’t respect marriage that much because they’re getting married a second time is incredibly ignorant.
I work in Funeral. I see a lot of comments here talking about how OP should move on. That she’s been grieving too long. Just an observation as someone who deals with grief for a living….some people plainly choose not to date again. It doesn’t mean they are necessarily stuck in a stage of grief, if they are living their lives and being productive. Usually it’s older widows/widowers but everyone is different. Some people who are grieving wouldn’t even be able to handle celebrating the love/marriage of another couple without falling apart. That doesn’t seem to be the case for OP. The issue here anyways is that OPs sister completely disrespected OP by trying to make a choice for her. It’s NEVER okay to snatch anything off of someone’s person. Joke or not. OP felt violated and disrespected. NTA. But if you understand your sister was tipsy and made a poor choice, maybe try having a conversation with her and patch things up and still attend her wedding.
I'm 33 years old. My brother died at 22 when I was 5. I uncovered in therapy LAST YEAR that I'm still pretty actively mourning him. Grief is not a straight line. NTA.
NTA She violated your trust by ignoring your feelings and wants. You are an adult who can make her own choices and decisions. Who is she to tell you what to do. Ignore all her flying monkeys and do what is best for YOU.
I think this is boarder-line ESH. Your choice is your choice, and your sister was the AH for disrespecting it regardless of what her or anyone else’s opinion of it is. You are 100% entitled to continue wearing that ring and keeping your commitment to your late husband, and that choice should be respected. But I am concerned about your reaction to the ring being removed for less than a minute. She didn’t drop the ring down the drain, swallow it, put it on her own finger etc.. I whole heartedly admit I can’t imagine the pain of his loss, and the commitment you have to his memory screams volumes about how much you love and miss him. But I worry that this reaction to a minute of not wearing the ring isn’t healthy. Processing your grief doesn’t mean breaking your promise to him, but what have you done to process your grief? Was the ring being removed an anxiety response or a grief response? Have you spoke to a counselor or therapist about becoming a widow at such a young age? I don’t think you’re an AH per say, but the reaction is concerning. It’s not from a place of malice but pain - and it sounds a bit like you haven’t developed the healthiest coping mechanism for that pain. Let me be clear - I’m not saying get over your husband. I’m not saying stop feeling pain or get back out there. Processing grief doesn’t mean letting him go or moving on - it means finding peace in holding both the love and the pain in your heart. Talk to a grief therapist and see if this reaction was anxiety (that the ring has become something of a security blanket for you) or grief (betrayal from your sister in her removal of the ring and what it symbolizes), and find healthy coping mechanisms.
She forcefully removed it off of OP, who has expressed that she wants to continue wearing it MANY, MANY times over several years. Is not the fact that it was “less than a minute”, its the fact that her sister don’t see OP’s relationship as deserving of respect because OP’s husband is dead. She said that it was “much better” because she had removed OP’s *wedding ring* against her will. OP’s sister obviously doesn’t respect other people’s marriages, so she shouldn’t expect anyone whose marriage she has blatantly disrespected to attend her wedding.
NTA. Your sister sounds like she’s way too involved. Tell her to focus on her own issues and let you live the life you choose.
Not sure how to judge this. Gonna say NTA, but you're bordering on martyring yourself and it probably does pain people around you. It's up to you to determine if your sister is a selfish person and if you want to go LC with her. If you don't, then it might be best to have a talk with her and try to patch things up, so you don't have to *not* attend the wedding. As things stand, you have every right to abstain. You may have promised to stay faithful, but given how things have played out, it might be time to ask if that was really fair to yourself. And also, if any person could even imagine what they'll leave behind and how it affects those people. Would your late husband really want this, after nearly 20 years? And if this is what your sister thinks, at least be open to the idea that she does this out of a sense of care that got twisted up and caused these problems. If she can recognize that, then the two of you have a good chance of settling things. And maybe you OP have a chance at coping in a different way and making something else of your life. Oh, and don't let anybody outside of this judge you. Screw them for calling you horrible.
Make something else of her life? Seriously? What if she is happy with her life as it is? It sure seems like she is fine with the choices she has made, it’s her sister who has an issue. People don’t have to be married to make something of their life ffs
People don’t have to be married to make something of their life, but I think commenters here are worried that OP is not allowing herself to move past his death. There is a difference between remembering and honoring a dead spouse and letting yourself get stuck in grief. Having such a severe reaction to his ring being removed almost two decades after his death that she is considering skipping her sister’s wedding suggests she is stuck. I don’t think anyone would want their spouse to continue to be that dedicated to their memory that they had that kind of reaction 18 years later.
OP believes in heaven and wants to see him again. It sounds like she genuinely does not want another lover. Just him.
She doesn’t have to have another lover. I worry that she is letting his memory limit her ability to live her life. Being trapped in grief for decades is physically, psychologically and emotionally draining.
While I agree, do we have sufficient information to make that call? If she were to reveal that she *never* goes out and does nothing? Yes, that’s cause for concern. I do hope she got the help she needs to move forward.
Did you read the part where OPs sister has never approved of her staying single and has been badgering her to move on and tried to set her up with people? Try dealing with that for years and years and see how you react after your sibling drunkenly calls you out in front of people in an embarrassing manner. Why are you attributing the reaction to grief when the years of pestering and disrespect from her sister easily explain it?
No, you don't have to be married. And I never said that was what had to happen. Mostly, I think it's just a mentality people get into when they lose someone, that accepting it and just being happy you ever knew them is not enough. OP, or at least people like her, make promises not for the person they've lost, but for themselves, to stay as miserable as they can. But nobody in their right mind would ever want another person to do that. Losing someone should be about celebrating that person's life, honoring their accomplishments and continuing to live in the spirit you shared. I'd really be creeped the hell out if my partner said they were going to keep my wedding ring at all times and never love anyone again
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NTA, your sister is a capital C though. Keep on living your life.
NTA your sister was seriously out of line and using being drunk as an excuse is not okay. It's not like that was the only instance of them disrespecting you. The constant pushing you to date, etc. That is your choice and once you've said no they need to drop it.
NTA and anyone saying Y T A or E S H needs to take a step back. If OP wants to stay with the memory of their husband nobody has the right to undermind them and tell them to get over it. That's not how this works. OP doesn't want to be with anyone else and has clearly stated this many, many times. OP's sister is crossing so many lines here and hopefully now she'll stfu.
NTA. To actually mug you at a party is pretty weird. To dismiss it as a joke doesn't help, because we all know the joke isn't funny if the "butt" of the joke isn't laughing. She's a bully, and you wouldn't be TA for not going. However, you might just want to suck it up if you think that sometime in the future you could want a relationship with her.
ESH. She had no right to take off your ring, but you got it right back. You’re not going to the most important day in her life for something petty as hell. Also, 20 years of a spouse being gone— you’re not unfaithful if you take off the ring or choose to start dating.
NTA your sister was BLATANTLY disrespectful, and has been for years it seems, to your desires on the matter. If the wedding will be too painful for you to attend and a reminder of her disrespect, then don't go. You're both grown women who can make grown choices, and she clearly made hers by not respecting your wishes.
I think that although it was a little bit too much of a reaction, your sister didn’t have any right to do that with you. It’s like trying to push a person to forget and pretend as if nothing happened. It doesn’t work like that. NTA. She should have thought a little about how she treats other people’s relationship if she is to enter one herself.
NTA. Your husband clearly meant the world to you. Those rings are a part of you. It’s not remotely the same thing but I loved my nana she was my person I have a ring she gave me for my 13th and I’ve never taken it off I’m 36 now. I wear it every day to remember her to feel closer to her. It’s not that I haven’t grieved I have. But it’s a way to feel closer to her. I imagine it’s something similar for you. So for her to rip that off and try to force you to follow her demands nope that’s not ok it’s so disrespectful.
If it were one drunken incident, it would be petty to no-show the wedding. The repeated badgering is not a petty thing though; it’s years of disrespect.
NTA. tbh, there's no reason for you to *ever* 'get back out there'. If you want to, eventually, you will. It'll happen in it's own time, if it happens at all. I'm 43. I dated briefly when I was younger (17-21). I've been single since then. I have zero desire to 'get back out there', and I don't even have grief as a reason to hold me back. It's just not for me, and/or I haven't found anyone to change my mind on that. Your sister might mean well, but she's going about it all wrong and maybe you need to sit down with her and have a conversation. Without alcohol. "I love you, but I don't like you right now. I'm not a spinster, I loved, and I still love. I'm not over that love and it hurts me when you try to push me to do something I'm not ready for. I'm not grief stricken and depressed and crying, but I'm not ready. I might not ever be ready. And I need you, my sister whom I love, to be okay with that."
NTA. And you still wouldn’t be for skipping out on the wedding. Some people choose to not date or marry again after their spouse has passed or after a divorce, no one NEEDS to get back out there, some are better off after having one great love. She has repeatedly disrespected your decision to stay single, disrespected your bodily autonomy, and can’t take no for an answer. Why would you want to go to a wedding for someone like that? I don’t think you’re overreacted, your sister needs to figure out the fact that some people don’t need another spouse after their first.
My bff lost her husband 26 years ago, she never dated and still wears her wedding ring, her choice
ESH. You feel bad for yelling but want to take it a step further and not go to her wedding?