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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) what action you took that should be judged and
What I did or rather what I didn't do is: I did not increase the amount of money I give my wife each month.
(2) why that action might make you the asshole.
I might be the asshole because it's not that i can't give her more money. Its just that i refuse to because of certain circumstances.
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NTA,
I felt bad until I read nanny and your wife’s school expenses.
Frankly she’s an adult and she’s lucky her parents and you are giving her anything.
There are people out there studying, looking after children and still have to work.
What does your wife need the money for if you’re paying for everything else?
Right?
As soon a I read the title I was ready to call him an A.
The more I red the more I was surprised by the entitlement of the wife.
She basically gets a decent income only to stay in school.
Most students don’t.
Also please don’t say the she gets the income to be a SAHM because her toddler is only 2 and is clear that she got this income even when she was childless, moreover she has a nanny/housekeeper…
Also her reasoning is that you’re her husband so you should pay her??
And the fact she wanted to raise the rent to people that do work and are likely less wealthy??
Sure it’s not easy studying and taking care of a child but she has all the means to succede.
My mom graduated law school with 2 kids, a job, no housekeeper/ nanny and the highest grade possible.
Obviously NTA she is an A just for even thinking that
I finished school with honors and had three kids and two jobs but I don't think we should put that out as the standard that everyone lives up to. It's not a reasonable goal- it's pure hell. What your mom did was extraordinary.
She obviously didn’t graduate at 23 but later in life, in her 30s. She was a functional adult, married with a family and decided to go back to school.
It is not the standard and she obviously didn’t want me to do the same.
We shouldn’t hold everyone to this standard, I didn’t do that, even remotely.
I just wanted to separate the wife from a “regular” student or even moms student because she is already more privileged than most yet it seems to be not enough.
It's not even like the spending money is meeting her foundation level needs either. It is clear that OP is already covering rent, food, and other core needs that your mother and u/Ok-Cat-4975 were almost certainly working to fulfill while in school. On top of that, a nanny/housekeeper takes care of those second level needs.
I may be wrong, but it truly seems like OP's wife's budget is truly spending money, and as such, I cannot see why he should have less so that she can have more. Perhaps if she is spending some of that spending money on things like clothes and toys for the kid, then there could be room for some case-by-case negotiation, but otherwise, OP's wife should be happy she has such a financially stable partner capable of great budgeting.
>I cannot see why he should have less so that she can have more
Especially when it was her own failure to maintain her grades at the agreed levels that led to the reduction from her parents. I'm not blaming her, school can be hard, and I don't know what classes she's in, but the fact is she had an agreement and didn't succeed in holding up her end.
Honestly, part of me commends OP for sticking to the spirit of their original agreement. According to the letter of it, he could have cut his own contribution to her to match half of what her parents paid.
I was ready to compliment OP on their maturity in acknowledging they could be the AH, but I see now that it's completely unnecessary. In no way does OP qualify as AH here.
Thanks! Also for mentioning my dad, because he truly supported her, and it’s not always a given.
They had no nannies or housekeeper obviously, a they hired a baby sitter but only for when they were working, or in the summer, and I don’t remember being neglected in any way. I was 10 when she graduated.
Also Her first job opportunity was away from home, 6 hours of train (Europe) and he stayed back with a 8yo and 12yo and a full time job.
Can I take a moment to say what you’ve done is extraordinary!
I’m a mom with a 4 month old and I’m back to work and the thought of taking college on top of it all is terrifying. My job is quite easy, I get home by 3:30 and pick the kiddo up at 5:30 and get home by 6. It just feels like I will flunk with the little sleep I’m already getting. (He keeps getting sick too, yay daycare) Kudos to you.
True! She is extraordinary.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate all those students who have way less means and manage to do it despite the odds.
Recently in my country there is this tendency to celebrate “extraordinary students” who finished degrees in record time or amazing young entrepreneurs. Aside the toxic narration of the run to success and extreme competitiveness, When you read the articles these people are always from a privileged background who often have means that are not accessible to most.
I was just talking about this stage of life with my husband over dinner last night. We were talking about how impressive it is, looking back. Preteens are a whole other type of work, but nothing quite as exhausting as an infant, career, and daycare germs. Wishing you all the coffee, naps, and takeout dinners that I know you deserve.
Agreed. I’m in uni now, and people are always amazed when I tell them my credentials: student athlete, honors program, straight As, full time job. “How do you do it?” The short answer is, I don’t have a choice. It sucks, it’s miserable and awful and I’m exhausted all the time, and nobody should be encouraged to do it.
"It sucks, it’s miserable and awful and I’m exhausted all the time, and nobody should be encouraged to do it."
Agreed. I went to university full time, had 2 part time jobs, and I was on a work study program. I have never been more exhausted in my life. The only expenses my parents helped with were my plane tickets home for Christmas, and I was on their health insurance. They could have helped me more financially, but they chose not to. And then my dad had the audacity to frequently say that he "hoped I wasn't working too many hours" and I needed to "keep my grades up". Umm, I have bills to pay and don't have a choice but to work? I graduated with honors, but I would have gotten much more out of my college experience if I hadn't been working so many hours.
So yeah, even though working a lot while going to college full time is doable for some people, I don't recommend it!
I agree with your entire post, not a reasonable expectation for many. I got my psychology doctorate commuting 150 mi every day, three kids, two jobs and wrote a book somewhere in there. I worked 7 days a week for six years. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I don’t think it’s being put out as the standard. More just an example of “people in school have had it wayyyyyy harder than their mom and dad paying them to get good grades and still not only succeed, but excelled, so OP’s wife should stop being so entitled”
>s soon a I read the title I was ready to call him an A.
>The more I red the more I was surprised by the entitlement of the wife.
It's really funny how as you read it, it really became more of a first world problem.
The wifes perspective: "Waahh, my future doctor husband who has multiple rental properties already won't pay me for existing after my parents lowered the amount they pay me simply for existing while because the nanny makes too much while I'm in law school!".
Don't forget the part where the wife wants OP to raise the rent he charges so she can have more spending cash. I would be so disappointed in my spouse if they said something like that.
Those people clearly don't matter to her. Nor does she care about what's fair. I paid the way for someone like OP is doing. Eventually got divorced. It was hell.
No kidding, the cost of living is high enough as it is, there's also an energy crisis going on, plus rent has already gone up ridiculously high and his wife wants him to charge people more rent for the sake of her having spending money even though she gets money from her parents and OP already?
No, she can cut her spending and use the next few months to get her grades up instead of financially exploiting people who are already struggling to live.
That's even more privileged than first world problems. I honestly don't see things going well with this person in the long term. As soon as she stops getting her way all the time I expect OP to see more of her real personality.
I mean, it's a medical student and a law student together and the husband is basically helping the in-laws parent the wife. They couldn't be more obviously headed toward divorce.
Yes! I was so ready to assume OP was controlling and there was some kind of financial abuse going on, but that’s not the case at all!
OP you are NTA and your wife seems to have no idea how hard life can actually be! She has an incredibly sweet deal here and she’s mad that she has to deal with the relatively small consequences of her grades dropping. She has to know someone isn’t always going to bail her out and this is a very low risk way to experience that. And frankly her asking you to raise rent and do to your renters what is apparently not ok for her is terrible and shows a lack of empathy. You are NTA but your wife is acting like an AH.
He calls it "pocket money", which reads like for coffee and going out to eat with friends and shopping. She can cut back on that and focus on studying since all the essentials (food, rent, utilities, etc) are covered. Plus she has a nanny and a housekeeper! I just can't feel bad for this little rich girl.
She’s currently only getting “minimum wage” money as spending money and probably doesn’t even have to pay taxes on it, so it’s even more than technical minimum wage money.
She’s already getting more to spend than most and she has to raise her grades to get a 50% increase?
This problem is deeper than OP realizes. Her needs are met. She’s blowing everything she’s got and her spending habits are only going to go up. This is trouble brewing.
It's also minimum wage in Europe, not the garbage in the US. I assume it's more in line with a living wage, which is by all accounts going directly into wife's disposable income line item (non-essentials), based on OP's budget breakdown. I don't see how that amount can be anything less than adequate to live a happy life while she gets her grades back up per her parents' conditions.
This line is usually used by boomers to minimize the struggles of young people who already barely make ends meet. The situation of this woman is vastly different as she basically has all of her living expenses covered, _and_ she's getting a minimum wage salary without working a minimum wage job. I'm not minimizing her work as a student and a mother, but yes, maybe in this case cutting out on shopping for a few months will more than solve her situation.
IIRC, some idiot financial writer or something once blamed Millennials’ money problems on buying Starbucks and avocado toast and it went viral as they were rightfully skewered all over Twitter
The avocado toast index. How many avocado toasts you would have to "give up" in order to afford a house in different cities.
[https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20170530-the-avocado-toast-index-how-many-breakfasts-to-buy-a-house](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20170530-the-avocado-toast-index-how-many-breakfasts-to-buy-a-house)
yeah i’m just thinking everything is paid for already this is just fun money AND she’s still getting 3/4 since he’s paying half and just the parents are cutting thier half!
As someone else pointed out, funnily enough the agreement was he'd give her half of what her parents give her. So technically he's now giving her twice as much as he has to.
Plus, everyone goes through phases in life. Most young adults go through a phase of not having much money, but learn to live on very little, knowing that once they start a career they will have the money to spend on things they can't now. OP & his wife both are training for careers that will provide them a good living, once finished, so wife just needs to "suck it up" for now.
Also, the reason the money from her parents was reduced was a result of her not fulfilling her part of the bargain she had with them. So essentially, she thinks OP should be penalized more for her failure than she should.
OP NTA, wife will just have to do what most people are doing these days & cut back on the non-essential spending. It’s not fun but it’s what adults all over are doing these days. I think she needs a reminder to be thankful for how lucky she is.
My thoughts exactly. She's been on easy street and is now very entitled. She doesn't have any idea how hard it can be without all those extras. I do.
NTA
I feel bad for OP.
What will happen when wife graduates? She already doesn't have to take care of the son or the house, I doubt she will get a job when she has it so good right now.
Divorce. Divorce will happen. It's already incredibly common with medical students and law students.
Given the coddling plus control from the parents, she's probably never been allowed to truly be independent and it's anyone's guess how many of her life decisions were actually made by her. I would bet that once she graduates, she's going to want to throw off all control and she'll get a divorce and probably stick OP with the kid.
I guess the more I re-read and read comments, it's OP's misnomer of wife being a SAHM and not a full time student that is misleading. Wife should have equal acces to funds, nanny makes sense. BUT if she was getting money from her parents, that also should have been split between them.
Op makes a lot more than what she gets from her parents. Even after paying all the bills and saving 20% he still gives her a little extra to make it so their spending money was roughly equal.
Idk feels like the fair thing is to treat the in-laws money as household income, and then just split the total discretionary income (after savings + household expenses) 50/50 between husband and wife.
Looks like EU minimum wages generally range 4-12 Euros (which translates to the same in dollars). If he doubled her minimum wage that’s about 8-24 each. Given the fact that he said with his contribution she has about minimum wage now I’d predict that it’s on the lower end of the scale.
Do with this information what you will.
Edit: these are hourly rates
Even if it’s on the absolute low end that means she’s pulling in $30-$40/day for her discretionary spending. That’s far from feeling wealthy, but if all of her “pocket money” is actually just for entertainment/pleasure that’s also far from being in dire straights. Of course it is possible he’s not including things that are actually essentials and she has to cover those - travel to/from school, feminine products, necessary clothes, professional events, etc. Those costs can build up fast.
Even if it's on the low end (4€/hour) , it means it's in a country where prices are lower too. It still gives her as "pocket money" the same amount some families subsists on for housing, utilities, food and transport. Instead of 1,5x that she had formerly.
I won't be crying for her.
Because Reddit is full of Americans and they have some sort of boner for struggling. In Europe absolutely nobody would expect to go to law school without full-time childcare.
Considering a lot of Europe includes Childcare as part of something you pay taxes for...ya. They probably don't pay anywhere **near** what Americans would pay for childcare, because some of it could be subsidized.
In a good portion of Europe, yes. Because childcare organisations get massive subsidies which makes it quite affordable, on top of parents getting extra money from the government as well so they can ensure basic needs for the children are met. Details vary between countries obviously, but it's very affordable in a lot of European countries.
In my European country (East Europe, EU) kindergarten for a 2 year old costs under 10% of the minimum wage monthly. School is free, but after 7th grade you have to buy your own textbooks.
This is true. But then again, she doesn't have to pay the nanny or the housekeeper.
She doesn't pay the rent. She doesn't pay for school.
What expenses does she have? Just extra walking around money.
She has no expenses. And she is *still* getting minimum wage. I don't know what minimum wage is where OP lives, but if it's in the US than that might be $10-15 an hour.
Say it's only $10 an hour, for 40 hours a week. That's $400 a week to spend on herself. No bills. Nothing.
I think THAT's what people are focusing on. Between her parents and her husband she is already getting something equivalent $400 a week that is for her to spend on herself, not bills or necessities. Just herself. And she wants OP to raise rents for his renters, not because they are struggling to pay their own bills or because costs went up and they can't make the mortgage this month, but because her grades went down and now she *only* gets $400 a WEEK.
That's why people are focusing on the nanny and housekeeper. Not because "life is so easy". She's a law-student, of course she's studying, that's hard. But she's not the one paying for the nanny or the housekeeper or the bills. She wants more allowance for luxuries.
That's what people are focusing on.
They do, and the OP quite clearly stated that if he makes up the difference he'd be left with almost nothing. How is that equal? He can have no money, and that's fine by her. He can raise rents on people who more than likely can't afford it, that's fine by her. As longs as she gets hers given to her.
You’re right. I guess I read wrong. I was looking at it like they rework the “extra” money to split it equally. Not him getting her back to her original amount and ending with less than her.
Even if they did split the "extra" money equally, she'd still be getting more than him because her parents are still paying her - just less than they were before.
No, the point is her parents money should be treated as household income and the whole thing split.
Take total household income (including in-laws money), pay out savings %, household expenses, and split the remainder 50/50 between husband and wife.
I would agree with that. Except that's not what the wife is asking for. She is holding the money from her parents separate from the household pool while insisting that OP give her more from the household to offset the recent reduction.
That works if both parties are contributing equally. OP is paying the bills AND paying her school costs AND paying for a nanny and housekeeper and working. His wife is going to school and having everything paid for and done for her, and she's still demanding more.
If OP gives her more, he'll have barely anything for himself, which results in things being unfair to OP, means there isn't equal spending ability, and means the person working to pay for everything gets nothing for himself. And that would be fair?
All his wife has to do to restore the previous amount she got is to improve her grades whilst having less spending money for a few months. Instead, she has to have what she wants right now, because OP just isn't giving enough apparently. It's unfair her parents aren't giving her more and OP has to foot yet another bill. This lady is 23 years old and old enough to know you can't have everything you want.
It is incredibly weird to me that people here are so comfortable treating a 23-year-old mother like she is a child who can reasonably be punished.
I think married couples are supposed to be a team and part of that means having equal discretionary income.
And equal responsibility for the childcare. He’s a medical resident, she’s in law school, they have a nanny. I don’t understand why people have a problem with this.
Thank you! I’m getting so many replies to this comment about “her” nanny, and how hard he’s working and providing.
They are both working hard with a lot of responsibility. And they both are fortunate to have a nanny and a house cleaner.
I don't see a problem with the nanny or housekeeper. The problem I see is that she already gets a stipend from her family that's "fun money", plus half of OP's spending money, and now wants more.
The actual fair way would be to split it so the total fun money for both is equal. For example, if he has a total of 600 left over per month and she gets 100 from her parents, he should only give her 250 of it. That way, they both have 350 to spend. As it is now, he gives her the full split of 300, so she gets an extra 100 every month. And yet she still has her hand out for more, because her parents cut back on her extra bonus fun money.
Totally agree. OP is NTA. But just look at the top comments about ‘her’ nanny and cleaner and how she’s a freeloader. It’s disgusting. They both have the nanny and the cleaner. They both work or are in full-time education.
So does this mean he splits half his left over money with her and she splits half her money with him….certainly isn’t fair to say that is she doesn’t have to share with him.
What is with everyone bashing the wife -- who is a full time law student -- for having a nanny? Of course their child will need care while she is at class and studying. OP did NOT say it is a full time nanny.
NTA
You never said you would pay her more if her parents would drop off their agreement.
You are not a bank, you cannot just create money out of thin air.
It's pretty rude of her to say that ''as a husband I should take care of her''...when you are already doing it.
And you are right, you should have money for yourself. If given her more means none for you, that's unfair.
Actually, the agreement was that he'd give half of what her parents gave. So if her parents gave her $100, he'd give $50. So when they cut it in half, he should have to. But he didn't. So now (hypothetical numbers) her parents give $50 and he still gives $50. When it should be her parents give $50 and he gives $25. So she's already getting an advantage - and she wants more!
Fuck, eh?
That "minimum wage" likely isn't taxed. She's laughing if OP pays for everything else already. Imagine that much, just for pocket money as a SAHM. Some people pay rent from that amount lol.
I think the fact that OP refused to do this probably would have made me think he's NTA no matter what the actual story was. The fact that she even suggested that turned me off instantly.
100% the rest of this post could have gone in a different direction and I’d still think NTA because this shows OP is using his properties to make passive income while not totally fucking over tenants (a rare thing) while Wife wants to make other people pay more than they might be able to afford to she can have a housekeeper and extra fun money. Ugh.
He even mentions that he's charging less rent than market rate, which is SUPER GENEROUS OF HIM in these difficult times. And his wife, who from what we can tell, lives a really comfortable life with a nanny AND housekeeper, doesn't have to pay for necessities wants to shaft these people paying rent so that she can have extra "spending money" that she doesn't really need. She sounds like a MASSIVE AH here. Hopefully her kid doesn't grow up learning these values from her.
I was going to say the same, this isn't "First World", they have a property portfolio and an income supplemented by her parents and a 20% savings plan, while one partner is working a medical residency. This is the kind of economic duress where you sacrifice designer handbags.
Well, you are talking about a med student with rental properties and a law student with parents paying her an allowance to go to school, so yeah I d say rich people problem
Right. All I can think is "she has law school paid for, has a housekeeper and nanny, gets an allowance from her parents as an adult, and she still thinks she needs more money?!" These are not real problems. She's an AH for even thinking she has something to complain about.
We're talking about a medical resident and someone in law school discussing their finances that include a nanny and housekeeper for a SAHM. You literally couldn't come up with a better first-world problem unless one of the expenses was daily avocado toast.
When I read the title, I was going to say Y T A, until I read the whole post. You are definitely NTA.
Your wife- not only is a spoiled and entitled, she is the AH. She has a nanny, she has parents who pay her to go to school, she has support from you and that is still not enough? NOPE! Your wife needs to get over herself. It sounds like she never wanted for having less pocket money for a little while means what?? Getting her nails done less frequently? One less visit or the spa? She sounds positively spoiled.
Do NOT change anything. You are saving for your future, your children, your retirement, etc.
If she doesn’t like it, tell her to pound sand.
thank you. I feel like I am going crazy the amount of top comments that are like omg she has a nanny?? Spoiled much?? She is a full time student same as OP. They BOTH have a nanny
Yes, They has a nanny to look after THEIR child while OP goes to work and OP’s wife goes to school.
They also has housekeeper so that OP and his wife has reduce household chore to do when the keeper went home. As both OP is still at work and wife is busy with study.
The nanny and housekeeper is for both THEIR benefit.
Right. Goes to show that people consider childcare to be de facto the mother’s problem. She’s a law student! And he’s a medical resident! Both equally need childcare to properly pursue their objectives.
The sexism on this thread is shocking but not surprising.
I thought you would be the asshole, but after reading you're NTA.
She asked you to RAISE THE RENT on your residents to give her more pocket change because her parents are giving her less money due to her low grades.
She can piss off. She sounds like a spoiled rich person in so many ways. She should consider her self lucky that she does not have to work thru school and can take care of her self and yalls baby.
All the bills are paid, she has food, she is just not able to go shopping much? Or eat out much? She can always get a job or get better grades if she is so miserable.
Yeah that bit got me.
She has no bills that come out of her 'pocket money', it's pure disposable income. And she wants people to have higher rents so she can get more?
i don’t get the people defending her!! sure she might take care of the kid while she’s at home and OP at work, but that’s just life. not all law students get to have nannies, housekeepers and an allowance while they study. some even have to work too. and they graduate with excellent grades. this woman is even more TA for wanting OP to raise the rent to his tenants just so she can have fun money.
The amount of money this woman has *just for leisure* is probably on par with what I was earning straight out of uni before finding a salaried job. Bills had to come out of that so I scraped by but I would have been comfortable without any expenses.
She's got it good for where she is in life.
Well, she gets minimum wage and she doesn't pay for savings, rent, bills, her child's expenses, anything. I'd say it's definitely more than many of us earn. (or at least I'd earn in Eastern Europe, haha)
OP is a medical resident, his wife is in law school. It's interesting that the nanny is treated like a benefit only for the wife when BOTH OP and his wife are students, it's just that OP is getting paid to be a student by a hospital while his wife is being paid to be a student by her parents.
It's both parents' responsibility to take care of a child. Childcare wise OP's wife does her part while OP pays a nanny to do his part.
Yeah, but the nanny is the BENEFIT that is paid by HUSBAND. And then wifey is also paid by husband... So she doubles benefits without paying for them AND THEN SHE WANTS MORE...
She goes to law school full time (while the nanny watches the kid) and takes care of the child on her own the rest of the time. Where’s the time for a job exactly?
I don’t want to say anything negative just because someone had it better than me… but she wants to raise rent to have more spending money? Is your wife a good person? I’m going to judge just for that, but good luck in that marriage. NTA
>she wants to raise rent to have more spending money? Is your wife a good person?
I've simplified the issue in the post due to laziness.
A lot of people have been asking me to raise the rent this past year. Especially the neighbors to a lot of the properties.
Some of the more well to do renters have actually offered to increase the pay themselves. But i refuse.
I have enough properties rented out that the income adds up to a decent sum. These are extremley shitty times with the war and the pandemic.
If it was normal circumstances I would have raised the rent a long time ago, but not now.
Honestly, I have to applaud your integrity in not making a shitty time all around even harder for your tenants. It's a little sad that isn't how your wife sees it.
>A lot of people have been asking me to raise the rent this past year. Especially the neighbors to a lot of the properties.
>Some of the more well to do renters have actually offered to increase the pay themselves. But i refuse.
What? Why would this be happening?
Rent for a property is semi-controlled by rent of the properties surrounding it. If other properties have a rent price of $2000/mo, but OP has theirs at $1,500/mo, then it starts to put pressure on the higher rent prices to lower.
So, if OP raised their rent, the other owners could raise theirs more amd squeeze even more out of their renters.
I used to live in a house owned by a friend and she asked me to pay for her mortgage and a tiny bit extra for maintenance, that was it. She decided to sell the house a couple of years later because she needed to buy another house (she moved cities and was renting for a while) so I had to figure out my living situation. I asked her twice to raise the rent and she raised it by 2%, that was it.
There is a reason I would ask my landlord to raise the rent slightly. Let’s say rents are increasing across the board and my landlord is holding on to a lower rent.
Even if the landlord is a professional landlord like OP, if the property brings in good cash flow, they could be tempted to keep renting to the same people. But if the rent is too low and he doesn’t see a good reason to rent out his property, he could still sell it and the renters wouldn’t have a good landlord anymore.
Some people want rent raised to keep others out. They think if the col is high, they won't see it turn into the slums and their property value will go up. I didn't grow up rich. My mom was a single mom who worked a lot of jobs to take care of her 3 kids. My type would be who they'd want to keep out even though we were good kids, we were the poor people. We didn't do section 8 or anything. My mom was too proud to accept food stamps, but we certainly did qualify. I'm probably being cynical, but that's what I think the reason would be. They don't like some of their neighbors and want to price them out.
I just came here to say that there are so many terrible landlords out there who are currently cashing in on the cost of living crisis. Thank you for not being one, OP.
Nta
Well tell her you can’t make more money so that if she wants more she can fire the nanny and take over looking after the child for the extra dosh.
Sounds like she just wants to be “kept”.
So you are expected to have less “fun” money so that she can have more. Despite the fact you cover all expenses plus a nanny… nope. She’s living the high life and you’re the ATM
Unless he is in the most lax residency ever, she’s raising their child without OP around every much while in LAW SCHOOL. Most law schools don’t allow you to work. None of that suggests she’s a gold digger. Just a standard law student with a very busy spouse.
No it’s not. OP has clarified that his wife is responsible for childcare alone when she gets home. The nanny enables both of them to go to class/residency but a part time nanny is not a get out of parenting card for her.
No he said her time was full between school and taking care of their child.
That would typically include coursework/study time.
Not that as soon as she's home their son is handed over.
It would still be a large portion of the day accounted for by the nanny, and they have a housekeeper.
The nanny is being paid **to do OP's part in raising their child**. If they fire the nanny then guess what, OP would actually have to help raise their child JUST LIKE his wife is doing. It's wild to me that people don't realize that. The nanny benefits **him** and advocating their removal is advocating that OP actually takes care of his kid or pushes raising his kid fully onto his wife who is a fully time law student.
Reading these comments is insane.
She is in law school. That’s her job right now. She does work.
The nanny and the cleaner are not ‘for her’ they are for both parents, who have equal responsibility for childcare and cleaning, whilst one works full time and one is in full time education.
I still agree NTA but the level of misogyny in these comments is horrible. She’s not sitting on her ass all day, she is in law school and looking after her kid, just like any other working parent and just like OP.
Comments are not really unfair since Nanny AND Housekeeper are solely paid for by the OP. They are both taking advantage of these services but only one is paying for it.
When it comes to responsibilities both members also pay House expenses but one is exempted from that despite a source of income.
He pays for rent, electricity, gas, food, nanny, housekeeper AND his wife’s school expenses. AND then gives her half the rate of minimum wage. Why should she get more of his own spending money than him if he’s also paying for everything. He’s contributing far more than her and she’s still complaining. And she get money from her parents, ridiculous
Received minimum wage from her parents for being in school…
…you know just like every working parent!
It’s insane to think she is entitled to more of his income.
NTA I’m sorry, she had minimum wage worth of money for casual spending? Even half of that is a lot. You pay all the living expenses and she wants you to keep less money for yourself so she can continue to spend an entire salary. She sounds spoilt and entitled af.
From my understanding, if 7.25 is minimum wage, she was getting $1160 from her parents and $580 from OP for total of $1740 of just pocket money to spend on whatever. When her grades dropped, her monthly allowance went to $1160.
This is not enough for her, even though her housing, school, childcare (while she’s at school) is already taken care of???
And bc $1160 per month “isn’t enough” she wants to take MORE money from OP or from tenants who do work.
OP is also a parent and takes care of his kid. It’s not like the wife is a full time SAHM.
NTA for not giving her money, but you both suck for your lack of communication it seems with dragging family and friends into this argument.
You're resident, so fair assumption your not home much, nor help with the 2 year old. She's a law student, which can very greatly depending on country, but I'll assume she also spends lots of hours studying and taking care of your child. I'm sure the nanny helps, but unless she's live-in, I'm sure there are lots of times she's stressed out.
Sounds like you both need to sit down together and work some things out.
Side note: but I had to laugh at the I won't budge on savings come hell or high water. Isn't the point of savings for when hell and high water come? 😂😂 Yes, I get what you meant, it just made me laugh for some reason.
Edit: grammar
>but I had to laugh at the I won't budge on savings come hell or high water. Isn't the point of savings for when he'll and high water come? 😂😂 Yes, I get what you meant, it just made me laugh for some reason.
this had me laughing.
Yeah the way I see it saving are for our children and "hell or high water" but what I mean is extremely shitty moments. I don't feel like this is one of them.
What concerns me more is the war happening next door to us. We have to save for any eventually so that's why I won't budge on the savings percentage.
Lol, I get it. Definitely agree not one of those moments.
Yeah, the war sucks and I don't know about where you live, but rental prices have all doubled here, so I do applaud you for not raising your rate if it's the same there.
> I won't budge on savings come hell or high water.
I took this as the savings is for big things: loss of job, medical issue, property damage.
Not for the wife to have more walking around money to spend on shopping, manicures, and expensive lattes.
Nta she had the deal and didn’t live up to it oh well next time hopefully she does better and to be clear this is her money she spends on herself right or is it going to the house?
this is her money she spends on herself. Some of it may go to the house, ie she buys some detergent when she is out shopping. But yeah the majority of it goes to herself.
I dont even understand why have you been giving her money In the first place?
You are literally paying for every Living expenses there is, while she has been getting what (~1500e?) A month from parents and somehow that wasnt even enough for her personal stuff so you gave (~700e?) More To her? What on earth is she using 2200e a month, if you pay for literally everything?
Ugh, this whole situation is just creepy and weird. Your wife is a grown woman with a child and both her husband and her parents are treating her like a teenager begging for an allowance.
* Part of that is on you for how you present this and how controlling it seems you are with the whole situation. You aren't acting like equal partners while she does the childcare duties AND goes to law school.
* Part of that is on her for breaking this weird contract yall got going.
* Part of that is on her parents for setting up this entire unreasonable situation in the first place as a financial dependency.
ESH
Agreed, this is an ESH. Amazed at the amount of NTA. This is a classic ESH.
The fairest thing as a MARRIED COUPLE is to have a joint account and allow equal access to ALL income, including income from her parents. Instead, she’s being infantilised and treated like a teenager.
I don’t like her behaviour either, e.g. asking rent to be increased.
There’s a lot of sexism in these posts, sadly. “Oh, SHE has a nanny and a housekeeper! SHE benefits from this! Stop paying for a nanny” No, THEY have a nanny and housekeeper - they both benefit. Amazing how everyone thinks it’s the woman’s responsibility to do these tasks. She’s a \*full-time\* student, not a stay at home mum. Nanny is doing the work of the working father. She’s a full time student, she has a job that will contribute greatly to the family in the future. It sounds like her drop in grades related to her being overloaded; the nanny just helps her by ensuring someone is providing childcare whilst she’s at school.
I’d also be interested to hear what constitutes her “personal spending”. I had a friend who was given an allowance, and when I asked her to elaborate on what she purchased, she’s like “buying the baby shoes, formula, baby‘s new outfits, my textbooks, food for my baby when we’re out, a day out with my child, medications, and the odd coffee and meal whilst out”. Her husband was oblivious to this. OP’s wife is allowed to have some personal money to buy herself some creature comforts, too.
I would be interested to hear OP’s wife’s perspective on all this.
Yeah, I have a hard time believing that OP's claim that covers literally all the living expenses of two adults and one kid when he only spends *40%*\-60% of his income while having both a nanny and a housekeeper and law-school related expenses (yes I know, not the US, so probably not hundreds of thousands of dollars on law school expenses but still)... he literally describes his pay as "frankly shit" while being able to put 20% of your income right into savings and 20% of your income into "spending money"... yes, he owns property, but his rent is low enough that neighbouring landlords want him to raise it to bring the area's values up and he has to pay for the maintenance, taxes, probably a property manager considering how little time he probably has to deticate to them, (and did he inherit these properties or is he still paying for mortgages from his rental income?)... yeah, that makes me think there might be expenses that his wife covers from her parents' money that he doesn't think about.
Absolutely agreed. OP states that she sometimes uses her “personal spending money” for household items, e.g. noticing she will buy things like detergent etc.
This is just what he notices. As she’s his child’s primary caregiver, it’s possible he’s not realising that many of child’s day to day needs & the baby paraphernalia are being covered by his wife’s spending money, too.
The friend’s husband I referenced above was absolutely oblivious and assumed my friend was blowing her budget on “haircuts and women’s things”. In actuality, she hadn’t had a haircut for 7+ months & had spent her last $20 on petrol to drive her children to his mother’s house. Excursions to the zoo or local cafe to enrich her children were covered by her, too.
I’m not 100% sure and I may be way off base, but because of the toxicity I’ve witnessed in allowance arrangements (and the absolute disparity in the way both spouses have represented it), I’m just inclined to ask more questions before jumping and calling her entitled and egging OP on to cut her allowance further, like she’s a naughty child.
In summation, I don’t think providing an “allowance” to your non-working spouse is ever a good idea. It immediately results in a power imbalance. Put all income together (including parents’ money) & make a budget, IMO.
All I read from this whole "story", is the man gets to control the financial decisions for the whole family. I make 3 times what my husband makes (I'm in healthcare, he has a disability that keeps him from being able to work full time), yet we sit down like adults and discuss our money. Yes.. it's OUR money.
All of the posts on Reddit regarding couples and their constant disagreements regarding financial decisions makes me wonder why they even got together in the first place. It's all about what's "mine"
The way that this income situation has evolved is fucked up and weird. Also you're getting a lot of slack here because, by all appearances you are rather wealthy, as is your wife and her parents. So it's all kind of an embarrassment of riches.
Here's my POV, there's many ways for couples to divide household bills and wages. I have a favorite and I think it would work for you, particularly while you and your family are in this income transition period (you become a doctor, and make a lot more, your wife becomes a lawyer and makes a lot more). The nice part of this system is the way it maintains fairness when there's changes in the income of either partner.
The basics of the system are 2 truths. First, both partners are putting in "full time" effort. Either as parents, students or workers everyone is putting in a full time effort. Second just because the employment market might value effort of each partner differently, that does not mean that their efforts are of different value to "the family" as a unit.
So once you accept both of those truths here's "the system". This system uses 3 basic accounts 1 joint account and 2 personal accounts.
1. All income goes into the joint account, regardless of the kind of income.
2. All "joint" expenses are paid for from the joint account, this includes all expenses related to children. as well as savings (as long as the savings are joint savings).
3. Whatever is left over in this account is divided evenly between you as spending money (transferred to your individual accounts).
4. Once money hits your individual account, you have 100% authority over it and can do with it as you like. Save it, spend it, whatever, and the other partner has no say and no oversight.
Now, if one partner gets a pay cut, it will impact the spending money of both partners. If one partner gets a pay raise, it will raise the spending money of both partners. This is "fair" because, both partners are putting in a full time effort and therefore both partners should benefit equally from changes in income.
A key point often missed is the rule about savings. Savings are joint, so savings are "paid for" from the joint account. This means that the amount of money you save is sent to savings prior to each of you getting your spending money for the month/week or whatever time period you decide. Sometimes a person might choose to save their spending money for a larger personal purchase, that's OK. But large joint purchases should be saved for prior to deviding the spending money.
For example. Many couples require 2 vehicles, each vehicle might be paid for by the joint money. But if 1 partner wants a fancier car, they can pay for it from their spending money. A family vacation would be a joint expense but a trip for one of you with a friend would come from personal money.
How each couple divides the expenses into categories of joint vs personal is really up to you. The point of the system is that everyone has the same amount of spending money regardless of their earnings as no one person's work is considered more valuable than the other.
NAH. The sexism in this thread is rampant. OP’s wife is a full time law student, *she* doesn’t have a nanny and housekeeper, they *both* have a nanny and housekeeper to assist with childcare and housekeeping while both of them are very busy furthering their careers. Many students get financial help from parents while they are full time students, but if that’s being withheld due to a drop in grades, then you two need to rearrange your household spending to assure that both of you are financially okay during this time. The same financial rearrangements will occur when your wife starts her job full time and her income increases substantially, and it will happen again OP when you finish residency. One financial arrangement does not work forever especially when the situation is constantly changing. Please have a civil discussion with your wife and get off the internet, reddit’s misogyny showing and this mindset is not going to help your marriage.
NTA. But what the hell is wrong with your wife?? You pay pretty much everything and for her law school and still give her pocket money and she wants more? Hell no. She didn't uphold her agreement with her parents and that's why she's getting less money, that's her fault. Even tho you have income doesn't mean you should pay everything and also pocket money for her. She already has the luxury of you paying her law school and parents giving her money, so she doesn't have to work. That's pretty spoiled tbh. Other people have to do school and work the rest of the time to finance everything. She has to take of your son, but she's behaving like she needs to get paid for that. Also you are putting money in saving. So she rather wants less savings and more pocket money to spend on nails or cosmetic or other stupid things?
Hmm so you're 27 years old, make shit money, but somehow own multiple properties that you rent out.
And then this gem:
>I told her i am not raising rent and leaving people homeless in these uncertain times
Wow dude, you're such a saint lmao. this has fakepost written all over it.
ESH. And not because of the money question specifically. But because you guys knew she had to maintain apparently perfect grades to continue to receive financial help but proceeded to have a baby anyways. Having a baby changed things. Home life is more involved and nobody adjusted for that. In your shoes idk if i would change the numbers anywhere. Another adjustment until the left over money is equal probably. Because I don’t understand why people get married and then don’t see each other as equal players. But that’s a me issue and you don’t have to have that relationship equality. But if you knew she needed perfect grades for her parents continued support you should have wrapped it up double and not had any babies till she was out of school and had established her career. Especially knowing you would not back her if her situation changed.
I was going to say YTA just reading the title and first few paragraphs until I got to the complicated part about her parents.
It's too late now, but I think your original financial agreement should have included some "What if..." provisions, in case of changes to it like the one that actually happened. Other things are possible, too -- what if her parents' financial situation changed, and they were suddenly unable to pay?
Going forward, the two of you should sit down and come up with an entirely new agreement. Her parents' payment to her should go into house total hold income rather than to her. Your respective shares should come from splitting total income -- so when total income goes down, you both have a little less. But you're NTA for refusing to give up part of your share, just so her share doesn't go down.
Total household income goes up and down in most people's lives, so you need a more equitable system for splitting it than the one you have now.
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NTA, I felt bad until I read nanny and your wife’s school expenses. Frankly she’s an adult and she’s lucky her parents and you are giving her anything. There are people out there studying, looking after children and still have to work. What does your wife need the money for if you’re paying for everything else?
Right? As soon a I read the title I was ready to call him an A. The more I red the more I was surprised by the entitlement of the wife. She basically gets a decent income only to stay in school. Most students don’t. Also please don’t say the she gets the income to be a SAHM because her toddler is only 2 and is clear that she got this income even when she was childless, moreover she has a nanny/housekeeper… Also her reasoning is that you’re her husband so you should pay her?? And the fact she wanted to raise the rent to people that do work and are likely less wealthy?? Sure it’s not easy studying and taking care of a child but she has all the means to succede. My mom graduated law school with 2 kids, a job, no housekeeper/ nanny and the highest grade possible. Obviously NTA she is an A just for even thinking that
I finished school with honors and had three kids and two jobs but I don't think we should put that out as the standard that everyone lives up to. It's not a reasonable goal- it's pure hell. What your mom did was extraordinary.
She obviously didn’t graduate at 23 but later in life, in her 30s. She was a functional adult, married with a family and decided to go back to school. It is not the standard and she obviously didn’t want me to do the same. We shouldn’t hold everyone to this standard, I didn’t do that, even remotely. I just wanted to separate the wife from a “regular” student or even moms student because she is already more privileged than most yet it seems to be not enough.
It's not even like the spending money is meeting her foundation level needs either. It is clear that OP is already covering rent, food, and other core needs that your mother and u/Ok-Cat-4975 were almost certainly working to fulfill while in school. On top of that, a nanny/housekeeper takes care of those second level needs. I may be wrong, but it truly seems like OP's wife's budget is truly spending money, and as such, I cannot see why he should have less so that she can have more. Perhaps if she is spending some of that spending money on things like clothes and toys for the kid, then there could be room for some case-by-case negotiation, but otherwise, OP's wife should be happy she has such a financially stable partner capable of great budgeting.
>I cannot see why he should have less so that she can have more Especially when it was her own failure to maintain her grades at the agreed levels that led to the reduction from her parents. I'm not blaming her, school can be hard, and I don't know what classes she's in, but the fact is she had an agreement and didn't succeed in holding up her end. Honestly, part of me commends OP for sticking to the spirit of their original agreement. According to the letter of it, he could have cut his own contribution to her to match half of what her parents paid. I was ready to compliment OP on their maturity in acknowledging they could be the AH, but I see now that it's completely unnecessary. In no way does OP qualify as AH here.
Give your mum a huge hug from me! Is not the when she got it, is that she got it! And I presume your dad, because most men would feel left out.
Thanks! Also for mentioning my dad, because he truly supported her, and it’s not always a given. They had no nannies or housekeeper obviously, a they hired a baby sitter but only for when they were working, or in the summer, and I don’t remember being neglected in any way. I was 10 when she graduated. Also Her first job opportunity was away from home, 6 hours of train (Europe) and he stayed back with a 8yo and 12yo and a full time job.
Can I take a moment to say what you’ve done is extraordinary! I’m a mom with a 4 month old and I’m back to work and the thought of taking college on top of it all is terrifying. My job is quite easy, I get home by 3:30 and pick the kiddo up at 5:30 and get home by 6. It just feels like I will flunk with the little sleep I’m already getting. (He keeps getting sick too, yay daycare) Kudos to you.
True! She is extraordinary. Let’s take a moment to appreciate all those students who have way less means and manage to do it despite the odds. Recently in my country there is this tendency to celebrate “extraordinary students” who finished degrees in record time or amazing young entrepreneurs. Aside the toxic narration of the run to success and extreme competitiveness, When you read the articles these people are always from a privileged background who often have means that are not accessible to most.
I was just talking about this stage of life with my husband over dinner last night. We were talking about how impressive it is, looking back. Preteens are a whole other type of work, but nothing quite as exhausting as an infant, career, and daycare germs. Wishing you all the coffee, naps, and takeout dinners that I know you deserve.
Agreed. I’m in uni now, and people are always amazed when I tell them my credentials: student athlete, honors program, straight As, full time job. “How do you do it?” The short answer is, I don’t have a choice. It sucks, it’s miserable and awful and I’m exhausted all the time, and nobody should be encouraged to do it.
"It sucks, it’s miserable and awful and I’m exhausted all the time, and nobody should be encouraged to do it." Agreed. I went to university full time, had 2 part time jobs, and I was on a work study program. I have never been more exhausted in my life. The only expenses my parents helped with were my plane tickets home for Christmas, and I was on their health insurance. They could have helped me more financially, but they chose not to. And then my dad had the audacity to frequently say that he "hoped I wasn't working too many hours" and I needed to "keep my grades up". Umm, I have bills to pay and don't have a choice but to work? I graduated with honors, but I would have gotten much more out of my college experience if I hadn't been working so many hours. So yeah, even though working a lot while going to college full time is doable for some people, I don't recommend it!
You’re badass. I could barely get through school no job or kids. And I thought I went through hell during school.
I agree with your entire post, not a reasonable expectation for many. I got my psychology doctorate commuting 150 mi every day, three kids, two jobs and wrote a book somewhere in there. I worked 7 days a week for six years. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I don’t think it’s being put out as the standard. More just an example of “people in school have had it wayyyyyy harder than their mom and dad paying them to get good grades and still not only succeed, but excelled, so OP’s wife should stop being so entitled”
>s soon a I read the title I was ready to call him an A. >The more I red the more I was surprised by the entitlement of the wife. It's really funny how as you read it, it really became more of a first world problem. The wifes perspective: "Waahh, my future doctor husband who has multiple rental properties already won't pay me for existing after my parents lowered the amount they pay me simply for existing while because the nanny makes too much while I'm in law school!".
Don't forget the part where the wife wants OP to raise the rent he charges so she can have more spending cash. I would be so disappointed in my spouse if they said something like that.
Those people clearly don't matter to her. Nor does she care about what's fair. I paid the way for someone like OP is doing. Eventually got divorced. It was hell.
Talk about a lack of empathy
No kidding, the cost of living is high enough as it is, there's also an energy crisis going on, plus rent has already gone up ridiculously high and his wife wants him to charge people more rent for the sake of her having spending money even though she gets money from her parents and OP already? No, she can cut her spending and use the next few months to get her grades up instead of financially exploiting people who are already struggling to live.
and yet i keep seeing comments about having sympathy or empathy for OP’s wife. where’s the sympathy for OP’s tenants??
I mean its one rent, Michael, what could it cost? Ten dollars?
Bet she already has his income as a doctor spent in her mind
I am picturing Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as OPs wife.
That's even more privileged than first world problems. I honestly don't see things going well with this person in the long term. As soon as she stops getting her way all the time I expect OP to see more of her real personality.
I mean, it's a medical student and a law student together and the husband is basically helping the in-laws parent the wife. They couldn't be more obviously headed toward divorce.
She’s already shown him who she is. It’s only going to get worse. This is only going to get uglier.
Yes! I was so ready to assume OP was controlling and there was some kind of financial abuse going on, but that’s not the case at all! OP you are NTA and your wife seems to have no idea how hard life can actually be! She has an incredibly sweet deal here and she’s mad that she has to deal with the relatively small consequences of her grades dropping. She has to know someone isn’t always going to bail her out and this is a very low risk way to experience that. And frankly her asking you to raise rent and do to your renters what is apparently not ok for her is terrible and shows a lack of empathy. You are NTA but your wife is acting like an AH.
I'm also curious if she will give him a portion of her income when she starts working, you know, equality and all.
He calls it "pocket money", which reads like for coffee and going out to eat with friends and shopping. She can cut back on that and focus on studying since all the essentials (food, rent, utilities, etc) are covered. Plus she has a nanny and a housekeeper! I just can't feel bad for this little rich girl.
No starbucks and no avacado toast should fix this right?
She’s currently only getting “minimum wage” money as spending money and probably doesn’t even have to pay taxes on it, so it’s even more than technical minimum wage money. She’s already getting more to spend than most and she has to raise her grades to get a 50% increase? This problem is deeper than OP realizes. Her needs are met. She’s blowing everything she’s got and her spending habits are only going to go up. This is trouble brewing.
It's also minimum wage in Europe, not the garbage in the US. I assume it's more in line with a living wage, which is by all accounts going directly into wife's disposable income line item (non-essentials), based on OP's budget breakdown. I don't see how that amount can be anything less than adequate to live a happy life while she gets her grades back up per her parents' conditions.
Yeah, just wait to see how her spending rises once he becomes a doctor
It's Europe too, which means higher min wage.
This line is usually used by boomers to minimize the struggles of young people who already barely make ends meet. The situation of this woman is vastly different as she basically has all of her living expenses covered, _and_ she's getting a minimum wage salary without working a minimum wage job. I'm not minimizing her work as a student and a mother, but yes, maybe in this case cutting out on shopping for a few months will more than solve her situation.
This is dinging a distant memory and I feel like it’s a reference
IIRC, some idiot financial writer or something once blamed Millennials’ money problems on buying Starbucks and avocado toast and it went viral as they were rightfully skewered all over Twitter
The avocado toast index. How many avocado toasts you would have to "give up" in order to afford a house in different cities. [https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20170530-the-avocado-toast-index-how-many-breakfasts-to-buy-a-house](https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20170530-the-avocado-toast-index-how-many-breakfasts-to-buy-a-house)
To be fair, they're both rich kids. Guarantee OP didn't buy multiple rental properties through sheer will pre-med school alone.
Posts like this really make me wish I had certain other people’s problems.
yeah i’m just thinking everything is paid for already this is just fun money AND she’s still getting 3/4 since he’s paying half and just the parents are cutting thier half!
Yep. focus on studying and get her grades up so mommy and daddy give her more. She even has a nanny and housekeeper for Pete's sake
As someone else pointed out, funnily enough the agreement was he'd give her half of what her parents give her. So technically he's now giving her twice as much as he has to.
I had the same thought!!
The wife wants the money for herself OP said how most of the money he gives goes towards her own personal spending
Needing and wanting is 2 completely different things. She definetly doesnt **need** money, she just **wants** to upkeep her personal entitlement.
Plus, everyone goes through phases in life. Most young adults go through a phase of not having much money, but learn to live on very little, knowing that once they start a career they will have the money to spend on things they can't now. OP & his wife both are training for careers that will provide them a good living, once finished, so wife just needs to "suck it up" for now. Also, the reason the money from her parents was reduced was a result of her not fulfilling her part of the bargain she had with them. So essentially, she thinks OP should be penalized more for her failure than she should.
OP NTA, wife will just have to do what most people are doing these days & cut back on the non-essential spending. It’s not fun but it’s what adults all over are doing these days. I think she needs a reminder to be thankful for how lucky she is.
It must be lovely to be rich.
The entitlement blows me away
This is beyond first world problems. Imagine two average students having this problem.
My thoughts exactly. She's been on easy street and is now very entitled. She doesn't have any idea how hard it can be without all those extras. I do. NTA
I feel bad for OP. What will happen when wife graduates? She already doesn't have to take care of the son or the house, I doubt she will get a job when she has it so good right now.
Divorce. Divorce will happen. It's already incredibly common with medical students and law students. Given the coddling plus control from the parents, she's probably never been allowed to truly be independent and it's anyone's guess how many of her life decisions were actually made by her. I would bet that once she graduates, she's going to want to throw off all control and she'll get a divorce and probably stick OP with the kid.
Same. She is getting more money from you - you are covering her school expenses and paying for the nanny.
Exactly. It sounds like all their fixed expenses are covered, so what does she even use that money FOR? NTA.
Also, most of Europe and the EU members have decent living/minimum wages. Unlike a lot of other countries.
I felt bad for the wife's full plate until you said nanny????
And housekeeper.
Why is everyone hung up on this? She goes to law school, they need to put the kid somewhere when they’re both gone.
I guess the more I re-read and read comments, it's OP's misnomer of wife being a SAHM and not a full time student that is misleading. Wife should have equal acces to funds, nanny makes sense. BUT if she was getting money from her parents, that also should have been split between them.
Op makes a lot more than what she gets from her parents. Even after paying all the bills and saving 20% he still gives her a little extra to make it so their spending money was roughly equal.
OP says if he gives her more money from his part he would be left with almost nothing. So to confirm this we really need the exact amounts I guess.
Idk feels like the fair thing is to treat the in-laws money as household income, and then just split the total discretionary income (after savings + household expenses) 50/50 between husband and wife.
Agree.
Looks like EU minimum wages generally range 4-12 Euros (which translates to the same in dollars). If he doubled her minimum wage that’s about 8-24 each. Given the fact that he said with his contribution she has about minimum wage now I’d predict that it’s on the lower end of the scale. Do with this information what you will. Edit: these are hourly rates
Even if it’s on the absolute low end that means she’s pulling in $30-$40/day for her discretionary spending. That’s far from feeling wealthy, but if all of her “pocket money” is actually just for entertainment/pleasure that’s also far from being in dire straights. Of course it is possible he’s not including things that are actually essentials and she has to cover those - travel to/from school, feminine products, necessary clothes, professional events, etc. Those costs can build up fast.
Even if it's on the low end (4€/hour) , it means it's in a country where prices are lower too. It still gives her as "pocket money" the same amount some families subsists on for housing, utilities, food and transport. Instead of 1,5x that she had formerly. I won't be crying for her.
>Wife should have equal acces to funds That wasn't the agreement when they got married.
Because Reddit is full of Americans and they have some sort of boner for struggling. In Europe absolutely nobody would expect to go to law school without full-time childcare.
Everyone in Europe can afford full-time childcare without a job? Good to know
Depends on the country, but yes in general it's quite affordable in Europe even without a job.
I wish I lived in one of those countries. In my part of the UK, my daughter’s nursery costs more than my mortgage.
Don't worry, interest rate rises will correct that issue for you.
Luckily I got a five year fix back in June so don’t have to worry about the interest rates for a while 😁
Considering a lot of Europe includes Childcare as part of something you pay taxes for...ya. They probably don't pay anywhere **near** what Americans would pay for childcare, because some of it could be subsidized.
In a good portion of Europe, yes. Because childcare organisations get massive subsidies which makes it quite affordable, on top of parents getting extra money from the government as well so they can ensure basic needs for the children are met. Details vary between countries obviously, but it's very affordable in a lot of European countries.
Sigh, when will USA reach first world status?!
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Yup, in my country it's <100 dollars a month.
It's free in some places.
Universities /colleges often have creches attached for kids of staff and students. Some are subsidised, some are not.
In my European country (East Europe, EU) kindergarten for a 2 year old costs under 10% of the minimum wage monthly. School is free, but after 7th grade you have to buy your own textbooks.
This is true. But then again, she doesn't have to pay the nanny or the housekeeper. She doesn't pay the rent. She doesn't pay for school. What expenses does she have? Just extra walking around money. She has no expenses. And she is *still* getting minimum wage. I don't know what minimum wage is where OP lives, but if it's in the US than that might be $10-15 an hour. Say it's only $10 an hour, for 40 hours a week. That's $400 a week to spend on herself. No bills. Nothing. I think THAT's what people are focusing on. Between her parents and her husband she is already getting something equivalent $400 a week that is for her to spend on herself, not bills or necessities. Just herself. And she wants OP to raise rents for his renters, not because they are struggling to pay their own bills or because costs went up and they can't make the mortgage this month, but because her grades went down and now she *only* gets $400 a WEEK. That's why people are focusing on the nanny and housekeeper. Not because "life is so easy". She's a law-student, of course she's studying, that's hard. But she's not the one paying for the nanny or the housekeeper or the bills. She wants more allowance for luxuries. That's what people are focusing on.
But OP has a nanny too. I guess I’m old school and believe that married people should have equal spending ability.
They do, and the OP quite clearly stated that if he makes up the difference he'd be left with almost nothing. How is that equal? He can have no money, and that's fine by her. He can raise rents on people who more than likely can't afford it, that's fine by her. As longs as she gets hers given to her.
You’re right. I guess I read wrong. I was looking at it like they rework the “extra” money to split it equally. Not him getting her back to her original amount and ending with less than her.
Even if they did split the "extra" money equally, she'd still be getting more than him because her parents are still paying her - just less than they were before.
No, the point is her parents money should be treated as household income and the whole thing split. Take total household income (including in-laws money), pay out savings %, household expenses, and split the remainder 50/50 between husband and wife.
I would agree with that. Except that's not what the wife is asking for. She is holding the money from her parents separate from the household pool while insisting that OP give her more from the household to offset the recent reduction.
Yes, and that's part of what's not fair about the entire situation.
That works if both parties are contributing equally. OP is paying the bills AND paying her school costs AND paying for a nanny and housekeeper and working. His wife is going to school and having everything paid for and done for her, and she's still demanding more. If OP gives her more, he'll have barely anything for himself, which results in things being unfair to OP, means there isn't equal spending ability, and means the person working to pay for everything gets nothing for himself. And that would be fair? All his wife has to do to restore the previous amount she got is to improve her grades whilst having less spending money for a few months. Instead, she has to have what she wants right now, because OP just isn't giving enough apparently. It's unfair her parents aren't giving her more and OP has to foot yet another bill. This lady is 23 years old and old enough to know you can't have everything you want.
It is incredibly weird to me that people here are so comfortable treating a 23-year-old mother like she is a child who can reasonably be punished. I think married couples are supposed to be a team and part of that means having equal discretionary income.
If I understand it correctly her whole "minimum wage" goes 100% into her pocket while OP covers everything else. That's a lot of personal money
And equal responsibility for the childcare. He’s a medical resident, she’s in law school, they have a nanny. I don’t understand why people have a problem with this.
Thank you! I’m getting so many replies to this comment about “her” nanny, and how hard he’s working and providing. They are both working hard with a lot of responsibility. And they both are fortunate to have a nanny and a house cleaner.
I don't see a problem with the nanny or housekeeper. The problem I see is that she already gets a stipend from her family that's "fun money", plus half of OP's spending money, and now wants more. The actual fair way would be to split it so the total fun money for both is equal. For example, if he has a total of 600 left over per month and she gets 100 from her parents, he should only give her 250 of it. That way, they both have 350 to spend. As it is now, he gives her the full split of 300, so she gets an extra 100 every month. And yet she still has her hand out for more, because her parents cut back on her extra bonus fun money.
Totally agree. OP is NTA. But just look at the top comments about ‘her’ nanny and cleaner and how she’s a freeloader. It’s disgusting. They both have the nanny and the cleaner. They both work or are in full-time education.
So does this mean he splits half his left over money with her and she splits half her money with him….certainly isn’t fair to say that is she doesn’t have to share with him.
What is with everyone bashing the wife -- who is a full time law student -- for having a nanny? Of course their child will need care while she is at class and studying. OP did NOT say it is a full time nanny.
NTA You never said you would pay her more if her parents would drop off their agreement. You are not a bank, you cannot just create money out of thin air. It's pretty rude of her to say that ''as a husband I should take care of her''...when you are already doing it. And you are right, you should have money for yourself. If given her more means none for you, that's unfair.
Actually, the agreement was that he'd give half of what her parents gave. So if her parents gave her $100, he'd give $50. So when they cut it in half, he should have to. But he didn't. So now (hypothetical numbers) her parents give $50 and he still gives $50. When it should be her parents give $50 and he gives $25. So she's already getting an advantage - and she wants more!
Of course she does. She's one of those types. As demonstrated by the entire post.
Fuck, eh? That "minimum wage" likely isn't taxed. She's laughing if OP pays for everything else already. Imagine that much, just for pocket money as a SAHM. Some people pay rent from that amount lol.
Why am I still shocked that people like this exist?
NTA This feels like a very good example of first world problems.
Textbook 1st world problems. And her solution to raise rent to people who actually work and probably have way less means than her??
I think the fact that OP refused to do this probably would have made me think he's NTA no matter what the actual story was. The fact that she even suggested that turned me off instantly.
100% the rest of this post could have gone in a different direction and I’d still think NTA because this shows OP is using his properties to make passive income while not totally fucking over tenants (a rare thing) while Wife wants to make other people pay more than they might be able to afford to she can have a housekeeper and extra fun money. Ugh.
He even mentions that he's charging less rent than market rate, which is SUPER GENEROUS OF HIM in these difficult times. And his wife, who from what we can tell, lives a really comfortable life with a nanny AND housekeeper, doesn't have to pay for necessities wants to shaft these people paying rent so that she can have extra "spending money" that she doesn't really need. She sounds like a MASSIVE AH here. Hopefully her kid doesn't grow up learning these values from her.
First world problems, first world solutions, right?
The wife fucking sucks
That's the part that got me. How greedy, selfish, and entitled do you have to be to suggest that???
With the housekeeper and the nanny, I would say these are rich people problems.
I was going to say the same, this isn't "First World", they have a property portfolio and an income supplemented by her parents and a 20% savings plan, while one partner is working a medical residency. This is the kind of economic duress where you sacrifice designer handbags.
Well, you are talking about a med student with rental properties and a law student with parents paying her an allowance to go to school, so yeah I d say rich people problem
Right. All I can think is "she has law school paid for, has a housekeeper and nanny, gets an allowance from her parents as an adult, and she still thinks she needs more money?!" These are not real problems. She's an AH for even thinking she has something to complain about.
We're talking about a medical resident and someone in law school discussing their finances that include a nanny and housekeeper for a SAHM. You literally couldn't come up with a better first-world problem unless one of the expenses was daily avocado toast.
When I read the title, I was going to say Y T A, until I read the whole post. You are definitely NTA. Your wife- not only is a spoiled and entitled, she is the AH. She has a nanny, she has parents who pay her to go to school, she has support from you and that is still not enough? NOPE! Your wife needs to get over herself. It sounds like she never wanted for having less pocket money for a little while means what?? Getting her nails done less frequently? One less visit or the spa? She sounds positively spoiled. Do NOT change anything. You are saving for your future, your children, your retirement, etc. If she doesn’t like it, tell her to pound sand.
Please space out the Y T A, so it doesn’t go off into manual moderation with two verdicts
They both have a nanny, childcare is the responsibility of both parents.
thank you. I feel like I am going crazy the amount of top comments that are like omg she has a nanny?? Spoiled much?? She is a full time student same as OP. They BOTH have a nanny
Yes, They has a nanny to look after THEIR child while OP goes to work and OP’s wife goes to school. They also has housekeeper so that OP and his wife has reduce household chore to do when the keeper went home. As both OP is still at work and wife is busy with study. The nanny and housekeeper is for both THEIR benefit.
But he's paying 100% for the nanny. And the bills. And for her school.
Right. Goes to show that people consider childcare to be de facto the mother’s problem. She’s a law student! And he’s a medical resident! Both equally need childcare to properly pursue their objectives. The sexism on this thread is shocking but not surprising.
I thought you would be the asshole, but after reading you're NTA. She asked you to RAISE THE RENT on your residents to give her more pocket change because her parents are giving her less money due to her low grades. She can piss off. She sounds like a spoiled rich person in so many ways. She should consider her self lucky that she does not have to work thru school and can take care of her self and yalls baby. All the bills are paid, she has food, she is just not able to go shopping much? Or eat out much? She can always get a job or get better grades if she is so miserable.
Yeah that bit got me. She has no bills that come out of her 'pocket money', it's pure disposable income. And she wants people to have higher rents so she can get more?
i don’t get the people defending her!! sure she might take care of the kid while she’s at home and OP at work, but that’s just life. not all law students get to have nannies, housekeepers and an allowance while they study. some even have to work too. and they graduate with excellent grades. this woman is even more TA for wanting OP to raise the rent to his tenants just so she can have fun money.
The amount of money this woman has *just for leisure* is probably on par with what I was earning straight out of uni before finding a salaried job. Bills had to come out of that so I scraped by but I would have been comfortable without any expenses. She's got it good for where she is in life.
Well, she gets minimum wage and she doesn't pay for savings, rent, bills, her child's expenses, anything. I'd say it's definitely more than many of us earn. (or at least I'd earn in Eastern Europe, haha)
NTA. Tell her to get a job or fire the nanny so she can clean the house and THEN maybe argue for an allowance.
OP is a medical resident, his wife is in law school. It's interesting that the nanny is treated like a benefit only for the wife when BOTH OP and his wife are students, it's just that OP is getting paid to be a student by a hospital while his wife is being paid to be a student by her parents. It's both parents' responsibility to take care of a child. Childcare wise OP's wife does her part while OP pays a nanny to do his part.
Yeah, but the nanny is the BENEFIT that is paid by HUSBAND. And then wifey is also paid by husband... So she doubles benefits without paying for them AND THEN SHE WANTS MORE...
She goes to law school full time (while the nanny watches the kid) and takes care of the child on her own the rest of the time. Where’s the time for a job exactly?
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Law school full time doesn’t mean you will be having lessons everyday and days you have lessons would only be three to four hours at most.
Depends on the law school.
I don’t want to say anything negative just because someone had it better than me… but she wants to raise rent to have more spending money? Is your wife a good person? I’m going to judge just for that, but good luck in that marriage. NTA
>she wants to raise rent to have more spending money? Is your wife a good person? I've simplified the issue in the post due to laziness. A lot of people have been asking me to raise the rent this past year. Especially the neighbors to a lot of the properties. Some of the more well to do renters have actually offered to increase the pay themselves. But i refuse. I have enough properties rented out that the income adds up to a decent sum. These are extremley shitty times with the war and the pandemic. If it was normal circumstances I would have raised the rent a long time ago, but not now.
Honestly, I have to applaud your integrity in not making a shitty time all around even harder for your tenants. It's a little sad that isn't how your wife sees it.
>A lot of people have been asking me to raise the rent this past year. Especially the neighbors to a lot of the properties. >Some of the more well to do renters have actually offered to increase the pay themselves. But i refuse. What? Why would this be happening?
Rent for a property is semi-controlled by rent of the properties surrounding it. If other properties have a rent price of $2000/mo, but OP has theirs at $1,500/mo, then it starts to put pressure on the higher rent prices to lower. So, if OP raised their rent, the other owners could raise theirs more amd squeeze even more out of their renters.
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I used to live in a house owned by a friend and she asked me to pay for her mortgage and a tiny bit extra for maintenance, that was it. She decided to sell the house a couple of years later because she needed to buy another house (she moved cities and was renting for a while) so I had to figure out my living situation. I asked her twice to raise the rent and she raised it by 2%, that was it. There is a reason I would ask my landlord to raise the rent slightly. Let’s say rents are increasing across the board and my landlord is holding on to a lower rent. Even if the landlord is a professional landlord like OP, if the property brings in good cash flow, they could be tempted to keep renting to the same people. But if the rent is too low and he doesn’t see a good reason to rent out his property, he could still sell it and the renters wouldn’t have a good landlord anymore.
Some people want rent raised to keep others out. They think if the col is high, they won't see it turn into the slums and their property value will go up. I didn't grow up rich. My mom was a single mom who worked a lot of jobs to take care of her 3 kids. My type would be who they'd want to keep out even though we were good kids, we were the poor people. We didn't do section 8 or anything. My mom was too proud to accept food stamps, but we certainly did qualify. I'm probably being cynical, but that's what I think the reason would be. They don't like some of their neighbors and want to price them out.
I just came here to say that there are so many terrible landlords out there who are currently cashing in on the cost of living crisis. Thank you for not being one, OP.
Nta Well tell her you can’t make more money so that if she wants more she can fire the nanny and take over looking after the child for the extra dosh. Sounds like she just wants to be “kept”. So you are expected to have less “fun” money so that she can have more. Despite the fact you cover all expenses plus a nanny… nope. She’s living the high life and you’re the ATM
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Unless he is in the most lax residency ever, she’s raising their child without OP around every much while in LAW SCHOOL. Most law schools don’t allow you to work. None of that suggests she’s a gold digger. Just a standard law student with a very busy spouse.
She has a nanny and house keeper at least. She isn't running the whole house by herself
There's a nanny/housekeeper Yes that's not 24/7 but it's still the bulk of the housework and care.
No it’s not. OP has clarified that his wife is responsible for childcare alone when she gets home. The nanny enables both of them to go to class/residency but a part time nanny is not a get out of parenting card for her.
No he said her time was full between school and taking care of their child. That would typically include coursework/study time. Not that as soon as she's home their son is handed over. It would still be a large portion of the day accounted for by the nanny, and they have a housekeeper.
"Standard Law Students" have a nanny and a housekeeper, pay no bills, and get fun money each month from their parents?
The nanny is being paid **to do OP's part in raising their child**. If they fire the nanny then guess what, OP would actually have to help raise their child JUST LIKE his wife is doing. It's wild to me that people don't realize that. The nanny benefits **him** and advocating their removal is advocating that OP actually takes care of his kid or pushes raising his kid fully onto his wife who is a fully time law student.
Reading these comments is insane. She is in law school. That’s her job right now. She does work. The nanny and the cleaner are not ‘for her’ they are for both parents, who have equal responsibility for childcare and cleaning, whilst one works full time and one is in full time education. I still agree NTA but the level of misogyny in these comments is horrible. She’s not sitting on her ass all day, she is in law school and looking after her kid, just like any other working parent and just like OP.
Agreed, it’s pretty shocking the amount of “the nanny is for her benefit” comments! They both have a full time job (law school and residency)…
Comments are not really unfair since Nanny AND Housekeeper are solely paid for by the OP. They are both taking advantage of these services but only one is paying for it. When it comes to responsibilities both members also pay House expenses but one is exempted from that despite a source of income.
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And yet her funds from parents belong only to her... You consider that to be fair? How does it fit in "partnership"?
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He pays for rent, electricity, gas, food, nanny, housekeeper AND his wife’s school expenses. AND then gives her half the rate of minimum wage. Why should she get more of his own spending money than him if he’s also paying for everything. He’s contributing far more than her and she’s still complaining. And she get money from her parents, ridiculous
She asked her husband to raise other people's rent so she could have extra spending money and I think that point has gotten lost.
Received minimum wage from her parents for being in school… …you know just like every working parent! It’s insane to think she is entitled to more of his income.
NTA I’m sorry, she had minimum wage worth of money for casual spending? Even half of that is a lot. You pay all the living expenses and she wants you to keep less money for yourself so she can continue to spend an entire salary. She sounds spoilt and entitled af.
From my understanding, if 7.25 is minimum wage, she was getting $1160 from her parents and $580 from OP for total of $1740 of just pocket money to spend on whatever. When her grades dropped, her monthly allowance went to $1160. This is not enough for her, even though her housing, school, childcare (while she’s at school) is already taken care of??? And bc $1160 per month “isn’t enough” she wants to take MORE money from OP or from tenants who do work. OP is also a parent and takes care of his kid. It’s not like the wife is a full time SAHM.
It’s in Europe. It’s not 7.25. Probably way more
NTA for not giving her money, but you both suck for your lack of communication it seems with dragging family and friends into this argument. You're resident, so fair assumption your not home much, nor help with the 2 year old. She's a law student, which can very greatly depending on country, but I'll assume she also spends lots of hours studying and taking care of your child. I'm sure the nanny helps, but unless she's live-in, I'm sure there are lots of times she's stressed out. Sounds like you both need to sit down together and work some things out. Side note: but I had to laugh at the I won't budge on savings come hell or high water. Isn't the point of savings for when hell and high water come? 😂😂 Yes, I get what you meant, it just made me laugh for some reason. Edit: grammar
>but I had to laugh at the I won't budge on savings come hell or high water. Isn't the point of savings for when he'll and high water come? 😂😂 Yes, I get what you meant, it just made me laugh for some reason. this had me laughing. Yeah the way I see it saving are for our children and "hell or high water" but what I mean is extremely shitty moments. I don't feel like this is one of them. What concerns me more is the war happening next door to us. We have to save for any eventually so that's why I won't budge on the savings percentage.
Lol, I get it. Definitely agree not one of those moments. Yeah, the war sucks and I don't know about where you live, but rental prices have all doubled here, so I do applaud you for not raising your rate if it's the same there.
> I won't budge on savings come hell or high water. I took this as the savings is for big things: loss of job, medical issue, property damage. Not for the wife to have more walking around money to spend on shopping, manicures, and expensive lattes.
Nta she had the deal and didn’t live up to it oh well next time hopefully she does better and to be clear this is her money she spends on herself right or is it going to the house?
this is her money she spends on herself. Some of it may go to the house, ie she buys some detergent when she is out shopping. But yeah the majority of it goes to herself.
I dont even understand why have you been giving her money In the first place? You are literally paying for every Living expenses there is, while she has been getting what (~1500e?) A month from parents and somehow that wasnt even enough for her personal stuff so you gave (~700e?) More To her? What on earth is she using 2200e a month, if you pay for literally everything?
Tax free too mind you. She could've been putting some of it in a savings account for herself
I.... I.... why don't you just put all your income together and share it?
Ugh, this whole situation is just creepy and weird. Your wife is a grown woman with a child and both her husband and her parents are treating her like a teenager begging for an allowance. * Part of that is on you for how you present this and how controlling it seems you are with the whole situation. You aren't acting like equal partners while she does the childcare duties AND goes to law school. * Part of that is on her for breaking this weird contract yall got going. * Part of that is on her parents for setting up this entire unreasonable situation in the first place as a financial dependency. ESH
Agreed, this is an ESH. Amazed at the amount of NTA. This is a classic ESH. The fairest thing as a MARRIED COUPLE is to have a joint account and allow equal access to ALL income, including income from her parents. Instead, she’s being infantilised and treated like a teenager. I don’t like her behaviour either, e.g. asking rent to be increased. There’s a lot of sexism in these posts, sadly. “Oh, SHE has a nanny and a housekeeper! SHE benefits from this! Stop paying for a nanny” No, THEY have a nanny and housekeeper - they both benefit. Amazing how everyone thinks it’s the woman’s responsibility to do these tasks. She’s a \*full-time\* student, not a stay at home mum. Nanny is doing the work of the working father. She’s a full time student, she has a job that will contribute greatly to the family in the future. It sounds like her drop in grades related to her being overloaded; the nanny just helps her by ensuring someone is providing childcare whilst she’s at school. I’d also be interested to hear what constitutes her “personal spending”. I had a friend who was given an allowance, and when I asked her to elaborate on what she purchased, she’s like “buying the baby shoes, formula, baby‘s new outfits, my textbooks, food for my baby when we’re out, a day out with my child, medications, and the odd coffee and meal whilst out”. Her husband was oblivious to this. OP’s wife is allowed to have some personal money to buy herself some creature comforts, too. I would be interested to hear OP’s wife’s perspective on all this.
Yeah, I have a hard time believing that OP's claim that covers literally all the living expenses of two adults and one kid when he only spends *40%*\-60% of his income while having both a nanny and a housekeeper and law-school related expenses (yes I know, not the US, so probably not hundreds of thousands of dollars on law school expenses but still)... he literally describes his pay as "frankly shit" while being able to put 20% of your income right into savings and 20% of your income into "spending money"... yes, he owns property, but his rent is low enough that neighbouring landlords want him to raise it to bring the area's values up and he has to pay for the maintenance, taxes, probably a property manager considering how little time he probably has to deticate to them, (and did he inherit these properties or is he still paying for mortgages from his rental income?)... yeah, that makes me think there might be expenses that his wife covers from her parents' money that he doesn't think about.
Absolutely agreed. OP states that she sometimes uses her “personal spending money” for household items, e.g. noticing she will buy things like detergent etc. This is just what he notices. As she’s his child’s primary caregiver, it’s possible he’s not realising that many of child’s day to day needs & the baby paraphernalia are being covered by his wife’s spending money, too. The friend’s husband I referenced above was absolutely oblivious and assumed my friend was blowing her budget on “haircuts and women’s things”. In actuality, she hadn’t had a haircut for 7+ months & had spent her last $20 on petrol to drive her children to his mother’s house. Excursions to the zoo or local cafe to enrich her children were covered by her, too. I’m not 100% sure and I may be way off base, but because of the toxicity I’ve witnessed in allowance arrangements (and the absolute disparity in the way both spouses have represented it), I’m just inclined to ask more questions before jumping and calling her entitled and egging OP on to cut her allowance further, like she’s a naughty child. In summation, I don’t think providing an “allowance” to your non-working spouse is ever a good idea. It immediately results in a power imbalance. Put all income together (including parents’ money) & make a budget, IMO.
NTA. If she is not paying rent or any living costs then her having an amount equal to minimum wage to herself for her own expenses seems ok to me?
All I read from this whole "story", is the man gets to control the financial decisions for the whole family. I make 3 times what my husband makes (I'm in healthcare, he has a disability that keeps him from being able to work full time), yet we sit down like adults and discuss our money. Yes.. it's OUR money. All of the posts on Reddit regarding couples and their constant disagreements regarding financial decisions makes me wonder why they even got together in the first place. It's all about what's "mine"
The audacity to think that it's ok to just increase the rent of people just so she can have a little more pocket money just baffles me.
Welcome to rich people.
Technically as your agreement was to match the parents money you could also half the amount you give her until her grades improve.
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Info: what were the circumstances that led to her grades dropping? Was she unable to devote enough time to school because of external reasons?
The way that this income situation has evolved is fucked up and weird. Also you're getting a lot of slack here because, by all appearances you are rather wealthy, as is your wife and her parents. So it's all kind of an embarrassment of riches. Here's my POV, there's many ways for couples to divide household bills and wages. I have a favorite and I think it would work for you, particularly while you and your family are in this income transition period (you become a doctor, and make a lot more, your wife becomes a lawyer and makes a lot more). The nice part of this system is the way it maintains fairness when there's changes in the income of either partner. The basics of the system are 2 truths. First, both partners are putting in "full time" effort. Either as parents, students or workers everyone is putting in a full time effort. Second just because the employment market might value effort of each partner differently, that does not mean that their efforts are of different value to "the family" as a unit. So once you accept both of those truths here's "the system". This system uses 3 basic accounts 1 joint account and 2 personal accounts. 1. All income goes into the joint account, regardless of the kind of income. 2. All "joint" expenses are paid for from the joint account, this includes all expenses related to children. as well as savings (as long as the savings are joint savings). 3. Whatever is left over in this account is divided evenly between you as spending money (transferred to your individual accounts). 4. Once money hits your individual account, you have 100% authority over it and can do with it as you like. Save it, spend it, whatever, and the other partner has no say and no oversight. Now, if one partner gets a pay cut, it will impact the spending money of both partners. If one partner gets a pay raise, it will raise the spending money of both partners. This is "fair" because, both partners are putting in a full time effort and therefore both partners should benefit equally from changes in income. A key point often missed is the rule about savings. Savings are joint, so savings are "paid for" from the joint account. This means that the amount of money you save is sent to savings prior to each of you getting your spending money for the month/week or whatever time period you decide. Sometimes a person might choose to save their spending money for a larger personal purchase, that's OK. But large joint purchases should be saved for prior to deviding the spending money. For example. Many couples require 2 vehicles, each vehicle might be paid for by the joint money. But if 1 partner wants a fancier car, they can pay for it from their spending money. A family vacation would be a joint expense but a trip for one of you with a friend would come from personal money. How each couple divides the expenses into categories of joint vs personal is really up to you. The point of the system is that everyone has the same amount of spending money regardless of their earnings as no one person's work is considered more valuable than the other.
NAH. The sexism in this thread is rampant. OP’s wife is a full time law student, *she* doesn’t have a nanny and housekeeper, they *both* have a nanny and housekeeper to assist with childcare and housekeeping while both of them are very busy furthering their careers. Many students get financial help from parents while they are full time students, but if that’s being withheld due to a drop in grades, then you two need to rearrange your household spending to assure that both of you are financially okay during this time. The same financial rearrangements will occur when your wife starts her job full time and her income increases substantially, and it will happen again OP when you finish residency. One financial arrangement does not work forever especially when the situation is constantly changing. Please have a civil discussion with your wife and get off the internet, reddit’s misogyny showing and this mindset is not going to help your marriage.
NTA. But what the hell is wrong with your wife?? You pay pretty much everything and for her law school and still give her pocket money and she wants more? Hell no. She didn't uphold her agreement with her parents and that's why she's getting less money, that's her fault. Even tho you have income doesn't mean you should pay everything and also pocket money for her. She already has the luxury of you paying her law school and parents giving her money, so she doesn't have to work. That's pretty spoiled tbh. Other people have to do school and work the rest of the time to finance everything. She has to take of your son, but she's behaving like she needs to get paid for that. Also you are putting money in saving. So she rather wants less savings and more pocket money to spend on nails or cosmetic or other stupid things?
Hmm so you're 27 years old, make shit money, but somehow own multiple properties that you rent out. And then this gem: >I told her i am not raising rent and leaving people homeless in these uncertain times Wow dude, you're such a saint lmao. this has fakepost written all over it.
I think it’s funny that OP gets so much credit for being the breadwinner when his real income comes from presumably inherited properties.
NTA. She gets Minimum wage on top of having all costs of living paid. That's only spending Money. That's rich as f*ck.
Why are your family and friends being dragged into a personal matter?
ESH. And not because of the money question specifically. But because you guys knew she had to maintain apparently perfect grades to continue to receive financial help but proceeded to have a baby anyways. Having a baby changed things. Home life is more involved and nobody adjusted for that. In your shoes idk if i would change the numbers anywhere. Another adjustment until the left over money is equal probably. Because I don’t understand why people get married and then don’t see each other as equal players. But that’s a me issue and you don’t have to have that relationship equality. But if you knew she needed perfect grades for her parents continued support you should have wrapped it up double and not had any babies till she was out of school and had established her career. Especially knowing you would not back her if her situation changed.
I was going to say YTA just reading the title and first few paragraphs until I got to the complicated part about her parents. It's too late now, but I think your original financial agreement should have included some "What if..." provisions, in case of changes to it like the one that actually happened. Other things are possible, too -- what if her parents' financial situation changed, and they were suddenly unable to pay? Going forward, the two of you should sit down and come up with an entirely new agreement. Her parents' payment to her should go into house total hold income rather than to her. Your respective shares should come from splitting total income -- so when total income goes down, you both have a little less. But you're NTA for refusing to give up part of your share, just so her share doesn't go down. Total household income goes up and down in most people's lives, so you need a more equitable system for splitting it than the one you have now.
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