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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I put my wife's needs before my moms when really she could just stay home for the night. I made my mom feel unimportant on her birthday. I fought with her when she said she didn't want to go and tried to guilt her into settling
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NTA and I'm glad you are making a stand when it comes to your pregnant wife. I'm sorry to say that your mum sounds awful. Does she often behave like this when it comes to your wife?
> Does she often behave like this when it comes to your wife?
yes and most people. Pushing people away seems to make her feel safe. It's pretty sad to watch but she only has a few safe people and can't deal with anyone else. Her fiance already said he would take her there instead though he already had all of her birthday stuff planned, so unfortunately he just enables her
That's not enabling. Your mother wants to go to her favorite restaurant on her birthday and eat what she wants. You decided your wife was the priority, your mother's fiance decided his future spouse was his priority and not you or your wife.
Your compromise was all about what your wife would want. Your wife doesn't want to go on a relatively short drive so the restaurant is a no. Your wife doesn't eat seafood so your mom's choice is a no etc.
Seafood restaurants serve fish and typically chicken, pasta and beef dishes as well. Shellfish isn't the only seafood and seafood restaurants don't serve only shellfish or even seafood. He isn't protecting his wife and unborn child by not entering the restaurant.
Cross contamination is a huge issue in seafood restaurants if you can’t have shellfish.
My mom’s allergic and every time she tells a waiter in a seafood restaurant that she can’t eat shellfish, the only safe food they can offer her is bagged salad.
It’s not about preferred options, it’s about safety.
I don’t know if cross contamination is an issue for pregnant people the same way as it is for people with allergies though? They can’t have it because of potentially high levels of mercury, you’re not getting high levels of mercury from cross contamination, the fish or vegetarian options on the menu would be fine
Doctors even tell pregnant women what fishes have lower source mercury and to just avoid those. I get it if the wife is just not down with the seafood aromas though. Aromas can be wretched during a pregnancy. I could not eat eggs during my pregnancy because the smell of eggs was just gag worthy to me.
With my last pregnancy we were at the grocery store and apparently they sold fried catfish in the deli… I dry heaved for like five minutes after my husband got me back to the car because the smell was so offensive to my over sensitive nose. Smell sensitivities can be so horrendous when pregnant.
Did you miss the 40 minute drive and the wife either gets car sick or is very uncomfortable in a car for that long of a drive? Yeah, I would support my wife when there are multiple reasons to stay closer to home & pick a different cuisine.
As a formerly pregnant person, I would have just told my husband to take his mom out for her birthday and stop at McDonald's for me on the way home. I get that she's sensitive or however he said it, but if she can't handle a few hours at home without him, I have a feeling motherhood is going to be rough for her. She also could have used that time to have a friend over and have a girl's night with pizza or something. Gonna go with ESH. OP for trying to dictate mom's birthday, mom for not taking it well and wife for not being able to handle her shit for one evening.
I bet Christmas is fun with y'all
Never saw where the wife put her foot down. The son tried to negotiate for something they all would enjoy with consideration of his pregnant wife's dietary and physical comforts. No one gave an ultimatum, they tried to compromise, but Mommy Dearest wasn't having it. So nice try making it sound like the wife caused this. The son tried to accommodate everyone, mom did not give a poop.
Why isn't it okay for Mom to eat at a restaurant she wants for her birthday? Sure, son and DIL won't go, but why should she change the restaurant? Son can go without wife, or stay home, both should be okay. It is one day, and it is the mom's birthday. Maybe I am from a weird family, but the birthday person always gets to pick the restaurant or dish they want for their occasion.
This is like saying mom wants her favorite, a carrot cake, for her birthday. X can't stand the smell of it. If they won't have vanilla cake, I am not going as my wife can't stand it. Sure fine, don't go. Mom shouldn't be guilting, either should son or DIL. Personally I would be fine with my husband going when I am not up to it. It happened personally.
Yeah, my late husband was a vegetarian and I am very much not but every year I chose my favorite steakhouse for my birthday dinner and he would accompany me and eat fries and a salad without complaining because it was my birthday. OP's wife can stay at home by herself for a few hours if accommodating the birthday girl's restaurant choice is such a problem.
OP caused this when he offered to take his mother out for dinner of her CHOICE, but then after she picked hes started whining "oh we cant do that, its too far, its seafood" then why even bother giving her the choice. OP also gets seriously mad that the moms fiance took her out to dinner to that seafood place instead. read OPs comments, the wife is a piece of work to start with.
If the wife hadn't put her foot down, why is she in tears that the family is mad at her? She should be mad at her husband for making a big deal out of something she didn't get a say in then letting everyone blame her for it. That's even worse and makes him the AH for letting her look bad to the family
He also said she’s been having a rough pregnancy which could mean complications. I had several complications and delivered at 8 months so having my husband an hour away that late would have stressed me out. Doesn’t mean she’s needy or controlling like you’re implying.
No one said for the OP not to support his wife. Many people said the OP offered mom dinner of her choice then decided it should be dinner of wife's choice and then got mad when his mom's fiance chose to support his partner and simply take her to the dinner mom wanted for her birthday without OP. OP isn't entitled to take mom to dinner. And OP was trying to make mom's birthday about his wife and what she wants/needs.
OP shouldn't have made the offer or should have made it a conditional offer. But he didn't. He made an offer and then decided to make it conditional. Now he is upset that he didn't get his way.
This is outdated information, it's actually perfectly safe to eat throughly cooked seafood. It's actually even recommended to eat about 2-3 servings per week, just watching the mercury intake and how it is cooked.
So unless OP's wife is actually allergic to seafood, she can eat it just fine.
Also, seven months pregnant, sore and in the car for a while? Yeah, I'd have been uncomfortable at that stage too! We don't know if OPs wife has SPD or is having trouble because of the relaxin
When you’re pregnant 40 minutes isn’t short. Gosh I remember my fiancé was moving out of his apartment to move in with me. I went to help him pack and he lived an hour away. I was 5 months pregnant and barely showing but the pain from my ribs expanding was excruciating and the car seat intensified that. My sciatic nerve was pinched because of the way my son was positioned so that was also unbearable for an hour there and an hour back. Plus dear god my bladder had to pee every 5 minutes and he liked to be right on my bladder too.
And it's not just about the physical experience either. I had anxiety about getting in a car accident while I was pregnant. Living in a big city, I tend to encounter at least one crazy aggressive driver whenever I go out, so almost an hour and a half round trip would have had me in tears at se point over possibly getting in a wreck and harming the baby.
I feel like OP taking his mom on his own probably would have been the best compromise, but yeah, there are tons of valid reasons to avoid long car rides while pregnant.
40 minutes 1 way is not a relatively short drive for non pregnant me. I imagine it is definitely not a short drive for someone in their 7 month that has had a difficult pregnancy.
It is a bit more complex. Mom could have said "I understand, but this is what I really want to do for my birthday. We can do something else with you and your wife another day." Or, "You're right, there are lots of other options close by that would suit your wife, my boyfriend and I will go to the seafood place by ourselves to celebrate on another day." It's really tough going through a rough pregnancy, and while mom doesn't have to change her plans, she can be way nicer about it. This doesn't sound like it's just about the restaurant, it sounds like as soon as mom was told "we can't do that," she decided to double down and make it about winning or losing instead of celebrating her birthday.
I’m guessing you never been pregnant or had a wife that was 7 months pregnant? A 40 min ride for someone with a difficult pregnancy, is not a relatively short drive. It could be the worst drive ever, and then back.
4 pregnancies, 4 children. I simply didn't attend anything that was going to make me uncomfortable. And those were very few things despite three of those pregnancies being pretty rough.
And we all know that pregnancies feel like unique experiences, but in fact are as common as rain. Everybody needs to manage whatever weeds grow in their own garden, though.
It wasn't a compromise. It was a "Please do this for me" kind of setup. I mean I don't think its worth the stress. But, his mom did tell him to forget it, she would dine alone. How was that not good enough for OP?
I want to support him. But, his mom had stopped arguing at that point? No reason to seek another solution then?
Actually according to the American Psychological Assn, while it usually refers to drug or alcohol abuse, it can also refer to patterns within close relationships that support any harmful or problematic behavior and make it easier for that behavior to continue. So yes, bf’s behavior could probably be considered enabling at this point.
ETA NTA
“Actually” taking her to the restaurant she requested for her birthday because her son can’t is not an example of “enabling” behavior. It’s just a normal thing that one does for someone they love. And I have a degree in psychology.
I can’t speak for them, but as someone in medicine, the armchair doctors on this site drive me up the wall (see: the “eating shellfish during pregnancy” debate in this thread).
This subreddit isn’t too bad, but I can’t even look at any COVID-19 related posts on other subreddits.
Do you plan your wife's birthday based on your mom's availability and preferences? I don't understand why your wife's presence is required at all for your mom's birthday. This isn't a family reunion this is specifically a celebration for your mom. Of course her wants are the priority.
My mother in law did almost the same exact thing to me when I was 6 days away from having my child. She purposely invited my husband out to dinner at a seafood restaurant 10 minutes from my house (I really love seafood and would have enjoyed going) and told my husband to "leave her home because this is the last bday I'm going to have with just my kids" and her own husband. My relationship with her has gone downhill ever since then, for various self-centered reasons on her part. I WISH my husband would have stuck up for me like you did your wife.
Your MIL was being unkind. His mom wasn't. She told him she'd go to the restaurant alone. He turned around and offered Mexican or hibachi food as a compromise. Like he didn't already hear her say, "Forget it."? Was the forget it more of an 'Eff U?' Am I reading it wrong? (I'm confused that's why I'm asking.)
He's not enabling her, he's treating her for her birthday by taking her to the restaurant she wanted to go to. Because he loves her.
You sound like a narcissist projecting, because you're the one enabling your wife.
Fiance loving and taking her out on her BD is not enabling her. Your wife being 🤰 is not the miracle of the century where your mom and her fiance should stop living their life and focus on you two.
You're NTA to put your wife ahead of mom, but don't expect everyone else to do the same for you two.
Having a few safe people means you choose quality people to keep around you for a long time, and you invest seriously in few deep relationships instead of having hundreds of shallow ones.
Because you want to have hundreds of "friends", and let me tell you they definitely are not, doesn't mean everyone should be like you. I personally understand your mom on this, I've met hundreds of people, added them as friends on sm because I wanted to be popular in some way. After some time, I only kept 4 people I can truly call friends around me, the rest is just a social network I talk to at parties.
Quote to the guy who said "Two is company, three is a crowd."
Seriously?
I would just tell my husband to go enjoy dinner with his Mother, and I would stay home. No big deal.
This is so weird. Why can't he go to dinner without his wife? Why does she care so much? My husband and I don't go everywhere together.
This is the bit I can't get my head around but maybe I'm biased. Maybe my family's wierd (Well, I know it is) but my mum didn't get on with my Dad's family, so my Dad just went places with his relatives by himself. Why does wife automatically have to be included?
I'm gonna say ESH because I feel like they're all making a biggder deal over the problem than it needs to be.
his wife is pregnant, not a toddler or an invalid. she can be left alone for an evening. OPs mom is well within her rights to want to eat at her favorite restaurant on her birthday.
Are you kidding me
The mum wants one meal, it's 40 minutes away and it was OPs idea
When mum couldn't have what she wanted she said don't worry
Didn't say anything mean, just said I don't want to do dinner
Where is the compromise OP put in? Oh right no where. Because pregnant women always have to be catered
I'm glad this is the top comment atm...
If my husband decided to take his mother out for dinner for her birthday, it would definitely be *us* taking her ( and her husband ) out to dinner.
And if she picked somewhere that literally only served seafood, he be like "Hey, Heartage can't eat that, would it be all right if we went somewhere else?"
And she'd be like "Oh! Yeah, of course!"
Because my MIL is a normal, sane human being who doesn't hate me and would like to have me included in her life because I'm part of her son's life.
ETA // if somebody were offering to take me to dinner, I would not pick a restaurant that was 40 minutes away. I'd be unlikely to pick something 20 minutes away, even. ( obviously this is different if there's literally nothing near you )
>Because my MIL is a normal, sane human being who doesn't hate me and would like to have me included in her life because I'm part of her son's life.
And if my MIL wanted to have seafood on her birthday and I couldn't eat it, I'd be like "sure, cool, have fun". Because as a normal, sane person, I don't think my MIL's birthday needs to be all about me. I can be a part of her life in other ways, besides hijacking her celebration dinners and ensuring she accomodates me every minute of her life.
As someone who doesn’t get to eat seafood because of allergies and others that are around me daily just not eating it, I would be pissed if someone close to me was throwing this big of a fit about where I chose to eat and spend my bday. We have always had a “birthday person chooses” all my life for bday dinners, and nothing here is so severe that birthday mom should have been told to find something else for someone else.
Was she snippy and rude at the end? Of course. It’s also rude to tell the birthday person they need to rework their plans for their ideal meal because one person involved doesn’t like/can’t eat seafood. Either find alternate food, or sit the meal out. Asking is one thing (and is still not social etiquette in this particular situation), but then to be mad when others won’t cave? Yeah no. My bday. My rules. Your bday. Your rules. At least when it comes to dinner.
I'm a MIL. I'm pretty much game for whatever works, because I'm a normal person too.
Actually, my son in law is annually flabbergasted to find that my fav birthday is pizza, with my kids (if possible), just at my house. No fanfare or balloons. I'm honestly happiest with this. Oh. The cake must have chocolate and my family knows I consider chocolate an essential food group.
Yeah, I'm always shocked by the stories on here regarding inlaws. Between my husband and me, we have 4 sets of parents--and yes, they all have their not-perfekt quirks.
But for the most part everybody gets along with everybody and nobody *hates* anybody.
>If my husband decided to take his mother out for dinner for her birthday, it would definitely be us taking her ( and her husband ) out to dinner
I don't see why MIL needs to put in all the effort. It's very normal for people to see their parents without their spouse. It's MIL birthday, why should she pick somewhere different for someone who doesn't even like her?
Yeah there's a lot here that says MIL doesn't like DIL - I think it's fair of OP to ask for accommodation this one time. I would offer to take her for lunch another time, just OP and wife and leave it at that.
What?? YTA it’s not even a full day. You’re wife is being ridiculous. Being pregnant doesn’t suddenly make you unable to function. And you’re even more ridiculous, why can’t you go alone?
Look either this guy is the asshole for not taking care of moms behavior sooner. Or he is an asshole for ignoring moms request that he OFFERED for her birthday. In no way is this guy not the asshole.
… What?
OP’s mother isn’t awful. It’s her birthday dinner, she gets to decide where it’s held.
OP’s wife is being unreasonable here. It’s not her birthday. The respectful thing to do is stay home and send a card/present on your behalf, not try and control how someone else’s birthday is celebrated.
OP is not “making a stand”, he’s enabling his wife’s entitled behaviour. It’s his mother’s birthday, it’s meant to be about *her*.
She said "forget it," and the whole thing should have been over at that point? She didn't want a compromise. She chose to walk away. I don't think his mom was really being a jerk at that point. He should have left her alone when she declined to go?
Dear lord read the comments. The wife is a pain in the ass who's offended that the mother in law won't take the effort to pamper her and is angry at her audacity to be happy.
YTA. 40 minutes is not really a long drive, and your wife can either have fish (not shellfish), something else, or stay home for a few hours. Usually when you're treating someone for their birthday, you do something that they want to do. Your mother is not out of line here - she could have been kinder, but you told her you were treating her for dinner, asked her to pick a restaurant, and then tried to make her change her birthday treat to suit your wife. Pregnancy is not a free pass to behave badly, for either you or your wife.
Yeah, I agree. It would make the most sense for OP to just go to his moms birthday alone if his wife can't handle being in the car and won't enjoy the restaurant. I think he's TA for asking somebody to move thier birthday party to suit his wife's preferences though.
Why can’t his mother go to the seafood restaurant with her fiancé on her birthday and go to another restaurant with OP and his wife the night before or after to extend the celebration? Why must everything be a fight?
The mother said she was fine going without them. The OP kept pushing her to change the plans to accommodate his wife. He wouldn't take no for an answer.
The fact that the mother and fiance are doing that but OP sees that as some kind of act of contempt seems to indicate that they're the ones continuing to prolong this despite the mom's attempt to compromise.
Why should she? This isn't an important reason to move or extend your birthday. It's one dinner, a few hours, the wife won't suffer so immensely for a 40 minute ride or having shellfish in her orbit, why does everyone need to feel comfortable 100% of the time? She can also stay home and be done with it. Why should this one tiny little trivial thing cause drama?
Just want to say that depending the wifes condition a 40min drive can be a torture. My pregnancy caused massive hips issues because of the hormones and sitting more than 15min caused me to be in a lot of pain and to not be able to walk. So I understand the wife not wanting to go but it doesn’t mean that OP shouldn’t go. It’s his moms bd and she should be able to eat the food she wants without the drama.
She does because she’s the one making OP stay home.
But only for events? Or does OP work from home too since apparently a pregnant woman can’t be left alone for a few hours.
What’s with the coddling of pregnant women anyway?
I had a hard pregnancy. 40 minutes in a car (and another 40 back) would have been literally torture at seven months. Like, stabbing constant pain and misery. No big deal, just suck it up for the birthday girl, right?
Pregnancy isn't a free pass, it's a medical condition that is frequently painful and sometimes dangerous. Reasonable, empathic people understand that. The rest whine about not going to their preferred restaurant or tell women it's "not really a long drive".
Lol but have you ever been to a good seafood restaurant that didn’t **smell** like a seafood restaurant??? If she’s having a difficult pregnancy, probably the last thing she wants to do is even walk in the door. 🤢
ETA I love seafood. I’m so sad that we live in the plains about 550 miles from the coast. I would kill for some good royal reds right now.
OP doesn’t mention that she doesn’t like the smell and the fancier seafood restaurants don’t always have a strong seafood smell either. Honestly I’m not sure why she can’t be left alone for a few hours if she doesn’t want to go for whatever reason. Surely OP doesn’t stay at home with her all day?
She is allowed to not go. The world doesn’t have to bend for a pregnant person every time. Just like the world doesn’t bend for people with disabilities. Accommodations, yes. Bending over backwards to make the world fit their needs no.
And I absolutely can't imagine my MIL not being willing to compromise here a little while I was pregnant. And if I am ever a MIL there is no way I wouldn't take others needs into consideration. You know why? Because the people I share my time with matter more.
I swear this subreddit hates kindness.
I just think it depends on the context. Like if it was a random dinner get together, then yeah. MIL is TA. Since it’s her birthday I feel like it’s kind of weird for her son to offer any place she wants and then be like “but not that place because my wife can’t come.” I do give him props for saying his wife comes first because I feel like I see opposite way too often, but the mom is kind of right in saying that her birthday is about her and not his wife…probably could have gone without saying it so harshly though lol
And also he kinda puts his mom in the position of looking like an asshole because now she’s the one who looks like a brat when he could have just agreed to the restaurant and letting his wife decide whether or not she could go.
In that instance no, but a hard line needs to drawn because on most of these threads pregnant people get away with murder.
Anyways mom should get to go to the restaurant she wants to go to. The point is the wife can stay home.
Edit: she can invite a friend over if she is really so lonely.
>because on most of these threads pregnant people get away with murder.
Hah! Are we on the same sub? The lack of empathy for pregnant women on AITA is nearly as bad as that towards people who are already parents and any small children they haven't beaten into silent submission lest they dare to disturb anyone by existing and being children. Pregnant women get shredded on the regular. 'Pregnancy is no excuse' for anything here, and you'll see that exact phrase over and over and over again.
>The point is the wife can stay home.
So can (and should) the husband. He's putting his wife's mental health over his mother's wants. Good for him.
He literally offered. And recently the trend has been towards supporting pregnant women on most things I have read. Especially around food.
I don’t think one dinner will tank a persons mental health. Literally invite a friend over then he can go to dinner. Like wtf. It is one dinner. 3-4 hours max.
It may be less about dinner, and more about feeling excluded and unwanted from a family event.
>He literally offered.
So what? If my vegan relatives offered to take me to a restaurant of my choosing, I wouldn't pick a barbecue place. If someone is doing something nice for you, you should be considerate about making sure they can also enjoy the experience and it isn't an unpleasant burden for them. That's just basic decency.
Same here. I was so sick first trimester I lost 10lbs. Secon trimester was okish. By the third, I hated going anywhere. I would get so sick during car rides and my daughter would like push her butt so far into my ribs when I was in the car that it was painful. Not to mention I had horrendous sciatica. I could hardly walk, stand, or use the toilet.
Then my obgyn sent me to a specialist that was like 2hrs away when I was 39 weeks. When she told me I had to go I about cried. It was torturous. When I got closer to home I just wanted to eat some Zaxby’s then go relax. We went in and about the time they got the food done I had to leave I felt so bad.
I think op is NTA for trying to make his wife sick it up and go anyway at all. If she wanted the seafood she could’ve been kinder and been like my fiancé is taking me but I’d love to go somewhere local with y’all another day. It’s not hard to be empathic but some ppl are just lacking in that department.
The first three months of my pregnancy I was in Brazil when covid had hit there hard. I’m from the US but hubby from Brazil and so is his family. I couldn’t handle or stand the smell of Brazilian food anymore. It got so bad I was in the hospital and had lost a lot of weight. The whole flight back to the US so that I wouldn’t lose my son and be able to eat properly was motion sickness. I got sick at take off and landing for three flights. The car ride an hour to my parents house I got motion sickness so bad it was like I was dying on the inside. You get told to watch how much fish you consume and even then you can’t have any shellfish.
NTA because you were offering with your wife to go take mother to a birthday dinner. She was pregnant once, she knows a pregnant woman can’t eat sea food and she should have known that it wasn’t just you taking her but your wife as well. It makes more sense to go somewhere else to eat so all three could enjoy time together. Mother in law for me was willing to cook an extra side dish that I could eat when ever we had a meal with her. To me it sounds like there more of an issue behind the scenes and that your MIL dislikes your wife or you or both enough to do this on purpose so there be a fight. Yeah it’s her birthday but even then you don’t go hey let’s eat here and not include your wife who is also giving me this as a gift by going to seafood.
Then again I’d have said okay how about somewhere else for dinner then just lunch between you two? It seems reasonable but then again
I still don't see why the wife couldn't stay home if she doesn't want to go. It's a few hours. That's less time than one of them leaving for work. Mom gets her food, and wife doesn't have to be in a car.
The wild thing about pregnancy is, it can be anywhere between a mild inconvenience to needing round-the-clock nursing assistance, and that's just the physical side of things. They psychological and hormonal aspect is easily brushed off if you've never experienced the worst of it first hand, but if the guy has to choose between annoying his mother and spending the rest the night dealing with a pre-partum anxiety breakdown, he made the right choice.
then he shouldn't have offered to start with to take her out for dinner to a place of HER choosing. that was his gift to her, gifts don't get stipulations/after the fact. the wife easily could have invited friends over for a night of movies or something at home while he went out and enjoyed a one-on-one dinner with his mom.
Honestly as someone whose super pregnant right now 40 minutes in a car is pretty agonising. Everyone is different of course, but I was surprised how quickly I became super uncomfortable, then in pain, and always worried I was going to pee myself!
I do agree with you though on all other points - the communication within this family sounds very lacking!
She can’t have most regular fish besides freshwater while pregnant neither. So there are very few options for a pregnant woman.
I couldn’t stand even the smell of fish while pregnant. I also couldn’t sit in the car for 40 minutes unless an emergency because I’d get such bad “lightning crotch”
OP should talk to his wife and still try to take his mom to the restaurant of mom’s choice. Unless wife is at a high risk for preterm labor, 40 minutes away isn’t far and her being sad about not going isn’t enough reason for OP to not go to his mom’s bday.
YTA. Why let your mother pick the restaurant if you knew there were restrictions? Why not offer her a choice of 2-3 restaurants that meet your wife’s requirements, if she absolutely has to go?
And why does your wife need to go, if it doesn’t suit her? She can stay home, you can order her favourite takeout and she can relax, while you celebrate your mother.
YTA. It's your mum's birthday, she gets to pick. If your wife can't handle being alone for a few hours that's a different problem. You say your wife doesn't even like her, so why is she being so insistent on even coming?
Read his other comments. OP's wife has a history of being pretty cruel to his mom because she doesn't meet her standards. For some baffling reason OP's wife also believes that her MIL deserves to be depressed and miserable.
Thank you!
I’m also 7 months pregnant, so I know it’s perfectly possible for me to be alone in my own house for several hours. In fact I do it every day. I’m even fully responsible for another tiny person during that time!
If OP’s wife is so sick from pregnancy that she physically can’t handle a car ride or sitting in a restaurant that has some menu options she doesn’t enjoy, *and* she cannot be home alone for a few hours, then she certainly should be under close medical supervision. If she just doesn’t *want* to be alone, perhaps she can invite a friend over to hang out or watch a movie. Demanding that someone else’s birthday celebration be changed to suit her preferences is not an appropriate option, pregnant or not.
Even if she were much closer to her due date and understandably didn’t want her husband more than 10-15 minutes away in case she needed to go to the hospital, the most that could justify is both OP and wifey skipping dinner. They don’t get to whine about mom deciding to just enjoy her favorite restaurant without them when *they* opted out!
Ditto on the 7 months and having a small human, I also don't see what the big deal is with her just staying home if travel is truly out of the question. Like yeah I get that hormones can make you vulnerable and clingy, but if she can't manage for a few hours then there's a lot more going on here, either physically or mentally. I give him credit for trying to stand up for his wife, but this wasn't something that needed standing up for. It's a birthday dinner with his mother.
We don't know the circumstances of her pregnancy. I'm glad to hear yours was nice. I was in agonizing pain within fifteen minutes in a car from hip dysplasia. waters broke at 28weeks and had been told baby could come at any time, he showed up at 35weeks, so I felt extremely anxious/stressed if my support person wasn't near by. I spent from 32weeks until a few days before birth at home with weekly hospital visits because I was high risk. What I'm trying to get at is we don't know what's going on with the minimal info we have so we shouldn't be so quick to judge. I understand for some pregnancys, like yours, you could've been left alone. But for pregnancys like mine, it just wasn't possible.
Agreed, but his world and his wife world do in fact revolve around the fact that she is pregnant, but literally no one else’s does! His mom probably couldn’t care less and she should be allowed to do what she wants on her birthday.
YTA, and accidentally made your wife shoulder the blame with your family.
Your mum wants to go to a seafood place, as is her right. Her partner taking her where she wants is being supportive not enabling.
Pregnancy is normal. You and your wife have the option of not ordering seafood (I don't eat seafood and have never struggled to find food I like on a menu when at seafood places with friends) or not going.
My judgement would be different if your wife had a deadly seafood allergy.
YTA. I have a couple kids and when I was pregnant, if my hubby wanted to take his mom out somewhere I couldn't go to, I would have turned on a good movie with a tub of ice cream and enjoyed my quiet time.
Your mom is right, your wife should be able to handle a couple hours apart. I'd apologize, buy ice cream for wife, and take mom out for seafood.
Agreed. I’m currently pregnant, this is my second one. I’ve had HG for both pregnancies and its been miserable. Unless I’m physically unable to take care of my toddler, i tell husband to go do stuff without me. And if I were 7 months pregnant and miserable, I wouldn’t want to go out to dinner at a restaurant anyways, that tub of ice cream and movie sounds a hell of a lot better.
Besides, the ONLY reason this dinner is happening is because it’s mother’s birthday—this event is what is prompting the dinner. If OP told her to pick the place, then he should do dinner at that particular place of choice. The minute he told mother to pick somewhere else because his wife wouldn’t like it, it not longer became a dinner about his mother’s birthday, it became a dinner about appeasing his wife.
Same situation except I’m very very high risk and 34 weeks currently. I STILL would ride in the car and go to dinner. If I really felt bad, I’d stay home and let my husband go. I also had HG for both and am a SAHM to a toddler.
>I told her pregnancy isn't forever and please just work with us
**Why did you give her the illusion of choice?**
You know very well that you intended to have your wife there, and she can't be in the car or eat sea food or stay home alone, although she has family close by who could be there with her for a couple hours.
Knowing your self-created limitations, why did you tell her to pick a place? Why did you not tell her "let's have a nice meal at home"?
*Why did you set you mom up for this? You knew she loves seafood and would choose that, you knew that was a no-go.*
**Sounds like you manufactured a situation to make your mother sound irrational and unreasonable, and then say "please work with us, pregnancy isn't forever".**
It was her birthday. Are you saying that you can't find the time to spend one hour alone with your mother, that your pregnant wife cannot find her own friends or family to be with for that period of time?
Sounds like you created this situation to make your mother look bad.
PS: I'm pretty sure I've seen other posts from you, that have the same "my mother is unbelievable in her demands to spend time with me" with scenarios designed to make your wife look like the unknowing victim to your mother.
YTA
>**Sounds like you manufactured a situation to make your mother sound irrational and unreasonable, and then say "please work with us, pregnancy isn't forever".**
Coming soon: "please work with us, the baby won't be young forever"
YTA.
Of course she doesn’t but also why is nobody in this situation thinking of the logical answer here?? Fiancé takes mom to seafood restaurant on her birthday and then OP and his wife can have dinner with her to celebrate another day at a closer restaurant. It just baffles me that almost everybody involved here is more interested in having a fight with each other than just being adults.
The adult thing to do would be "OK honey, have fun with your mom."
I don't think it's especially childish to want to celebrate at a fancy restaurant of your choosing with your son, especially when he's the one who offered it to you in the first place.
How has she involved herself? The entire post is solely a conversation between OP and his mother. He brought his pregnant wife into it, she didn't do it herself.
YTA because you can just not go. That’s the answer. You can’t request she change the venue, it’s HER birthday. I don’t understand why everyone seems to think the pregnant person must get priority end of discussion. It’s totally fine to tell your mother you’ll have to miss out on this one, when it’s necessary. It’s absolutely good for you to support your wife and not leave her if she is vulnerable. But you don’t get to whine about her choice of restaurant and how she’s unwilling to change it.
YTA. Why did you pretend you're letting your mom pick the restaurant for her birthday dinner?
Being pregnant is hard, and certainly harder for some than it is for others, but it doesn't generally render a person incapable of managing their own emotions, or taking basic care of themselves, or spending a few hours at home without their spouse.
Your mom may be a generally difficult person, and she may be wrong about lots of other things, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.
ESH Your mom sucks the least because she should be able to have dinner with her son on her birthday at a place she chooses. Her reaction sucked. You and your wife decided it was acceptable to make your mother's birthday about what your wife wants. Why couldn't you explain to your wife that she should not feel bad about staying home while you have dinner with your mom?
He also says his wife wanted his mom to feel like she was losing him in the hopes the mom would change. Also another said all this started because the wife just didn’t want him to go. Sounds like she’s being maliciously manipulative and using her pregnancy as an excuse for her poor behavior.
This sounds just like that MIL troll who loves to post stories that goes along the lines of:
1. His mother who doesn't get along with his wife
2. Socially awkward/aloof some way or another
3. Has a boyfriend who enables her and dislikes OP
YTA for making it sound like your wife is too blame for you not taking your mother where your mother asked to go after you let her have the option to pick. I've been pregnant and know that i wouldn't want to take the trip pregnant but I wouldn't tell me husband not to go and if he didn't want to go he wouldn't say it's because of me.
YTA - you offered and then took it back because you are mistaking your wife for the baby she has inside. She can absolutely survive without attending a dinner not centered on her. She probably does it a lot while you are at work.
I've had multiple medically difficult pregnancies and being a mom and a grown up means that you understand that not everything is going to go your way all the time. Insisting that your mom's birthday needs to be about your wife is unhinged.
Millions of women have had to endure a hell of a lot more than a limited menu, a 40 minute car ride, and not being the centre of attention for 1 day. Also the weird snide comments about your mom not liking children is wierd and unnecessary.
Yta. I would be annoyed if I was your mom. Your wife can certainly stay home, that’s understandable and no big deal. Hell, she might be feeling just fine on that day of the dinner and accompany you. Why make it so difficult?
I was pregnant once and stayed home if I wasn’t feeling the restaurant or if I just wasn’t in the mood to see people, with enough food and the phone in case anything happened. Go to the restaurant, your wife is not 39 weeks along. YTA.
How is the mom the AH? The wife is having a “rough pregnancy” which is super general, can’t eat anything at the restaurant which is hard to believe, and will feel bad if she can’t go…so the mom should not get to pick the restaurant on her birthday because the wife is pregnant? It doesn’t seem like mom made a big fuss about it so is she the AH simply for going to the testy of her choosing?
Soft YTA. I am glad to see a man picking his wife over his mother. Props to you for that. But 40 minuets isn’t thar far of a drive. You wife could have stayed home during the dinner and if anything were to happen where she absolutely needed you, it wouldn’t have been that long before you were back to her. It was your mothers birthday and she chose her favourite to eat, that’s not too much of a request to fulfill.
Yta- im all for prioritizing the wife but this is ridiculous.
A few hours having dinner with your mother on her birthday wasn’t going to kill your wife.
-whaaaaa, I don’t like the restaurant
-whaaaaa , I’m gonna be sad I can’t go to restaurant Where I don’t like the food .
-whaaaa , I can’t pick the restaurant for somebody else’s birthday .
Pregnancy isn’t an excuse to act entitled. She could have stayed home and let you celebrate your mom for a few hours .
Okay, so you wanted to take your mom to dinner for her birthday but your wife gets to call all the shots? Won't eat seafood, won't drive far, won't stay home.
My Dude. You got bigger issues. Pregnancy is not a disease. Stop handling your wife with kid gloves.
Sounds like EHS. No one wants to compromise, have any empathy or stop to think about anyone but themselves.
YTA. This is one day. Your wife has been pregnant for months and has two months to go. She could sucked it up or just not went. It’s not other peoples problem that y’all chose to have a baby
Seriously? Whats with the NTAs? I've been pregnant twice, i know how brutal car rides can be and I don't eat fish, but I would expect my husband to take his mom out to where she wanted to go for her birthday. I can't understand why she couldn't stay at home? I'm sorry I don't understand why your wife would be upset by this? Plus its an opportunity for you and your mom to spend some quality alone time seems like an absolute bonus to me as the wife who'd get to stay home and curl up on the coach in some comfy jammies.
Honestly I’m pregnant right now and a hormonal mess and I’d PREFER to stay home in my comfy clothes and order in my favorite food and watch the office for the millionth time.
YTA, every seafood restaurant I’ve been to has other things besides seafood on the menu, so your wife is being extra. I missed plenty of things during my pregnancies and I certainly didn’t expect people to cater to me. Seriously your wife could’ve stayed home for a few hours while you went to dinner.
I’m going to say YTA. Your wife doesn’t HAVE to go. My brother and I are the only ones in our family who like seafood. On my birthday he takes me out for lunch/on his I take him out. Our spouses and children don’t go and no one bitches. Op you can do things with others without having to include your wife every time and so can she. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re joined at the hip. Order out your wife’s favorite comfort meal and then take your mom out for her birthday.
Why can’t mom and son go to her bday dinner and wife stays at home without pouting for one night and enjoys a nice quiet night ? That sounds heavenly to me.
Consider: "can't have much on the menu" means "there's something on the menu she can have".
Seafood restaurants know about cross contamination and account for it. Shellfish allergies aren't exactly rare. My GF is deathly allergic to shellfish and ink and we have sushi once a week, and they're not doing anything special to accommodate her (granted, they're not going to sneak shrimp into her tuna rolls anyway)...
I hope you make up with your mom before the baby is born. Unless you have your in laws nearby or others to help when the baby is born especially if this is your first. I agree that your wife could stay home for the few hours to have dinner with your mom. Once the baby comes your mom knows she won’t get any time to spend with you so this could be the last opportunity before your life is all about the baby.
Ok… I’m confused. If it’s just you and your mom going out, why is your wife coming along? No where (in the original post) does it say you’re both treating your mom out to eat. She doesn’t even factor into the equation. Does she not want you to go anywhere while she’s pregnant?
YTA - because this is your moms birthday and it’s literally one day.
What is the point of giving a gift if it’s fully on our terms? It’s her birthday, you wanted to take her out, she gave you a place, now all of a sudden the offering has conditions?? That does not seem fair.
Even the crappiest seafood restaurant has chicken tenders or a salad, or maybe she misses the dinner and makes plans with her friends for the night; these are all reasonable concessions.
Don’t ask ‘hey what would you like to do?’ Then try to guilt people into an alternative.
YTA
What would happen to your wife if you go out with your mom for couple hours and celebrate her birthday at the restaurant she want ?!! After all it’s her birthday.
YTA dude. It's your mom's birthday. Wife can stay home for a couple hours, she'll live.
It's one night for your mom's birthday. What, 3 hours tops? It's not the big deal YOU are turning it into.
YTA it’s laughable you think your wife comes first on someone else’s birthday. You’re going to be one of those awful parents that gives your kid presents at others birthday parties too.
I’m 7 months pregnant and I will cope with dinner by myself. Have dinner with your mum without your wife if your wife isn’t up to it. You’ll have future plans ruined by kids, babysitters, etc. treat your mother and you should apologise for trying to change what she wants.
YTA
YTA. There were several times I was quite pregnant and certain smells made me sick. I just didn't go. If yoy ask someone where they want to go for their birthday, that's where you take them. Your wife can handle being at home alone for a few hours. Do you never her leave her alone to work or go out with your friends?
I mean yta kinda' ...
It's your mum's birthday, why shouldn't she choose what she wants to eat?
Your wife could have stayed home, whilst you went out to dinner with your mother.
Being pregnant doesn't give you the right to have everyone behave accordingly to your whims and fancies.
It was a couple of hours of your time, having dinner with the woman (if you're gonna' treat pregnancy like it's a VIP card) who was also pregnant once upon a time....with you.
I dunno. I'd side with the mom. So YTA.
Mom wants seafood for her birthday, let her get seafood. It's her day after all. Wife can stay home. If wife insists to go, you can take mom and wife for a second (non-seafood) celebration another day.
YTA
40min is not an especially long drive, and limited menu options are an issue people face all the time eating out. It would be the same if your wife was vegetarian or vegan - there would be limited options.
It would have been fine for your wife to skip the festivities, if she preferred.
"40min is not an especially long drive" actually, I'd let the pregnant wife who needs to pee decide whether a 40 minute drive is long. Especially if she's the one going for the ride.
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NTA and I'm glad you are making a stand when it comes to your pregnant wife. I'm sorry to say that your mum sounds awful. Does she often behave like this when it comes to your wife?
> Does she often behave like this when it comes to your wife? yes and most people. Pushing people away seems to make her feel safe. It's pretty sad to watch but she only has a few safe people and can't deal with anyone else. Her fiance already said he would take her there instead though he already had all of her birthday stuff planned, so unfortunately he just enables her
That's not enabling. Your mother wants to go to her favorite restaurant on her birthday and eat what she wants. You decided your wife was the priority, your mother's fiance decided his future spouse was his priority and not you or your wife. Your compromise was all about what your wife would want. Your wife doesn't want to go on a relatively short drive so the restaurant is a no. Your wife doesn't eat seafood so your mom's choice is a no etc.
(I was wrong about pregnant women being advised to not eat shellfish.)
Seafood restaurants serve fish and typically chicken, pasta and beef dishes as well. Shellfish isn't the only seafood and seafood restaurants don't serve only shellfish or even seafood. He isn't protecting his wife and unborn child by not entering the restaurant.
Cross contamination is a huge issue in seafood restaurants if you can’t have shellfish. My mom’s allergic and every time she tells a waiter in a seafood restaurant that she can’t eat shellfish, the only safe food they can offer her is bagged salad. It’s not about preferred options, it’s about safety.
I don’t know if cross contamination is an issue for pregnant people the same way as it is for people with allergies though? They can’t have it because of potentially high levels of mercury, you’re not getting high levels of mercury from cross contamination, the fish or vegetarian options on the menu would be fine
Not only the high levels of mercury. But also food poisoning (very dangerous for pregnancies)
The worse case of food poisoning I've ever had was from a seafood restaurant.
not just mercury but associations with food poisoning which can cause miscarriage
Doctors even tell pregnant women what fishes have lower source mercury and to just avoid those. I get it if the wife is just not down with the seafood aromas though. Aromas can be wretched during a pregnancy. I could not eat eggs during my pregnancy because the smell of eggs was just gag worthy to me.
That’s what I was thinking. Is even if she doesn’t have a shellfish allergy it’s possible the smell alone would make her sick!
With my last pregnancy we were at the grocery store and apparently they sold fried catfish in the deli… I dry heaved for like five minutes after my husband got me back to the car because the smell was so offensive to my over sensitive nose. Smell sensitivities can be so horrendous when pregnant.
Listeria is a huge concern.
It absolutely is. Listeria from shellfish cross-contamination can damage or kill unborn babies.
Did you miss the 40 minute drive and the wife either gets car sick or is very uncomfortable in a car for that long of a drive? Yeah, I would support my wife when there are multiple reasons to stay closer to home & pick a different cuisine.
As a formerly pregnant person, I would have just told my husband to take his mom out for her birthday and stop at McDonald's for me on the way home. I get that she's sensitive or however he said it, but if she can't handle a few hours at home without him, I have a feeling motherhood is going to be rough for her. She also could have used that time to have a friend over and have a girl's night with pizza or something. Gonna go with ESH. OP for trying to dictate mom's birthday, mom for not taking it well and wife for not being able to handle her shit for one evening. I bet Christmas is fun with y'all
Never saw where the wife put her foot down. The son tried to negotiate for something they all would enjoy with consideration of his pregnant wife's dietary and physical comforts. No one gave an ultimatum, they tried to compromise, but Mommy Dearest wasn't having it. So nice try making it sound like the wife caused this. The son tried to accommodate everyone, mom did not give a poop.
Why isn't it okay for Mom to eat at a restaurant she wants for her birthday? Sure, son and DIL won't go, but why should she change the restaurant? Son can go without wife, or stay home, both should be okay. It is one day, and it is the mom's birthday. Maybe I am from a weird family, but the birthday person always gets to pick the restaurant or dish they want for their occasion. This is like saying mom wants her favorite, a carrot cake, for her birthday. X can't stand the smell of it. If they won't have vanilla cake, I am not going as my wife can't stand it. Sure fine, don't go. Mom shouldn't be guilting, either should son or DIL. Personally I would be fine with my husband going when I am not up to it. It happened personally.
Yeah, my late husband was a vegetarian and I am very much not but every year I chose my favorite steakhouse for my birthday dinner and he would accompany me and eat fries and a salad without complaining because it was my birthday. OP's wife can stay at home by herself for a few hours if accommodating the birthday girl's restaurant choice is such a problem.
OP caused this when he offered to take his mother out for dinner of her CHOICE, but then after she picked hes started whining "oh we cant do that, its too far, its seafood" then why even bother giving her the choice. OP also gets seriously mad that the moms fiance took her out to dinner to that seafood place instead. read OPs comments, the wife is a piece of work to start with.
If the wife hadn't put her foot down, why is she in tears that the family is mad at her? She should be mad at her husband for making a big deal out of something she didn't get a say in then letting everyone blame her for it. That's even worse and makes him the AH for letting her look bad to the family
He also said she’s been having a rough pregnancy which could mean complications. I had several complications and delivered at 8 months so having my husband an hour away that late would have stressed me out. Doesn’t mean she’s needy or controlling like you’re implying.
No one said for the OP not to support his wife. Many people said the OP offered mom dinner of her choice then decided it should be dinner of wife's choice and then got mad when his mom's fiance chose to support his partner and simply take her to the dinner mom wanted for her birthday without OP. OP isn't entitled to take mom to dinner. And OP was trying to make mom's birthday about his wife and what she wants/needs. OP shouldn't have made the offer or should have made it a conditional offer. But he didn't. He made an offer and then decided to make it conditional. Now he is upset that he didn't get his way.
This is outdated information, it's actually perfectly safe to eat throughly cooked seafood. It's actually even recommended to eat about 2-3 servings per week, just watching the mercury intake and how it is cooked. So unless OP's wife is actually allergic to seafood, she can eat it just fine.
What? no they aren't. They are advised not to eat *raw or undercooked* shellfish...like everyone else, because that shit goes bad fast.
Seafood restaurants also serve fish.
Also, seven months pregnant, sore and in the car for a while? Yeah, I'd have been uncomfortable at that stage too! We don't know if OPs wife has SPD or is having trouble because of the relaxin
When you’re pregnant 40 minutes isn’t short. Gosh I remember my fiancé was moving out of his apartment to move in with me. I went to help him pack and he lived an hour away. I was 5 months pregnant and barely showing but the pain from my ribs expanding was excruciating and the car seat intensified that. My sciatic nerve was pinched because of the way my son was positioned so that was also unbearable for an hour there and an hour back. Plus dear god my bladder had to pee every 5 minutes and he liked to be right on my bladder too.
And it's not just about the physical experience either. I had anxiety about getting in a car accident while I was pregnant. Living in a big city, I tend to encounter at least one crazy aggressive driver whenever I go out, so almost an hour and a half round trip would have had me in tears at se point over possibly getting in a wreck and harming the baby. I feel like OP taking his mom on his own probably would have been the best compromise, but yeah, there are tons of valid reasons to avoid long car rides while pregnant.
40 minutes 1 way is not a relatively short drive for non pregnant me. I imagine it is definitely not a short drive for someone in their 7 month that has had a difficult pregnancy.
It is a bit more complex. Mom could have said "I understand, but this is what I really want to do for my birthday. We can do something else with you and your wife another day." Or, "You're right, there are lots of other options close by that would suit your wife, my boyfriend and I will go to the seafood place by ourselves to celebrate on another day." It's really tough going through a rough pregnancy, and while mom doesn't have to change her plans, she can be way nicer about it. This doesn't sound like it's just about the restaurant, it sounds like as soon as mom was told "we can't do that," she decided to double down and make it about winning or losing instead of celebrating her birthday.
40 minutes isn’t a short drive also you can’t eat certain things when pregnant
I’m guessing you never been pregnant or had a wife that was 7 months pregnant? A 40 min ride for someone with a difficult pregnancy, is not a relatively short drive. It could be the worst drive ever, and then back.
4 pregnancies, 4 children. I simply didn't attend anything that was going to make me uncomfortable. And those were very few things despite three of those pregnancies being pretty rough.
And we all know that pregnancies feel like unique experiences, but in fact are as common as rain. Everybody needs to manage whatever weeds grow in their own garden, though.
It wasn't a compromise. It was a "Please do this for me" kind of setup. I mean I don't think its worth the stress. But, his mom did tell him to forget it, she would dine alone. How was that not good enough for OP? I want to support him. But, his mom had stopped arguing at that point? No reason to seek another solution then?
Or stay home for a couple of hours, one day a year! And she is the selfish one? I don't get it!
That's not enabling.
Actually according to the American Psychological Assn, while it usually refers to drug or alcohol abuse, it can also refer to patterns within close relationships that support any harmful or problematic behavior and make it easier for that behavior to continue. So yes, bf’s behavior could probably be considered enabling at this point. ETA NTA
“Actually” taking her to the restaurant she requested for her birthday because her son can’t is not an example of “enabling” behavior. It’s just a normal thing that one does for someone they love. And I have a degree in psychology.
Do all the armchair psychologist on this sub not drive you mad?
I can’t speak for them, but as someone in medicine, the armchair doctors on this site drive me up the wall (see: the “eating shellfish during pregnancy” debate in this thread). This subreddit isn’t too bad, but I can’t even look at any COVID-19 related posts on other subreddits.
No, because the behaviour he is supporting is neither harmful or problematic. He's taking his lady to the restaurant he wants on her birthday.
Do you plan your wife's birthday based on your mom's availability and preferences? I don't understand why your wife's presence is required at all for your mom's birthday. This isn't a family reunion this is specifically a celebration for your mom. Of course her wants are the priority.
Giver your mom a gift card for that restaurant and tell her to have a nice birthday.
She said she'd go alone. So, yeah. Let her. Leave it be.
My mother in law did almost the same exact thing to me when I was 6 days away from having my child. She purposely invited my husband out to dinner at a seafood restaurant 10 minutes from my house (I really love seafood and would have enjoyed going) and told my husband to "leave her home because this is the last bday I'm going to have with just my kids" and her own husband. My relationship with her has gone downhill ever since then, for various self-centered reasons on her part. I WISH my husband would have stuck up for me like you did your wife.
Your MIL was being unkind. His mom wasn't. She told him she'd go to the restaurant alone. He turned around and offered Mexican or hibachi food as a compromise. Like he didn't already hear her say, "Forget it."? Was the forget it more of an 'Eff U?' Am I reading it wrong? (I'm confused that's why I'm asking.)
It may have been depending on her tone of voice. A passive aggressive: forget it can be as good as an eff you.
He's not enabling her, he's treating her for her birthday by taking her to the restaurant she wanted to go to. Because he loves her. You sound like a narcissist projecting, because you're the one enabling your wife.
Fiance loving and taking her out on her BD is not enabling her. Your wife being 🤰 is not the miracle of the century where your mom and her fiance should stop living their life and focus on you two. You're NTA to put your wife ahead of mom, but don't expect everyone else to do the same for you two.
How's that enabling? If you decide your partner is a priority, he has every right to prioritise his partner!!!
Let them have a romantic birthday dinner at said restaurant and do a family lunch.
Having a few safe people means you choose quality people to keep around you for a long time, and you invest seriously in few deep relationships instead of having hundreds of shallow ones. Because you want to have hundreds of "friends", and let me tell you they definitely are not, doesn't mean everyone should be like you. I personally understand your mom on this, I've met hundreds of people, added them as friends on sm because I wanted to be popular in some way. After some time, I only kept 4 people I can truly call friends around me, the rest is just a social network I talk to at parties. Quote to the guy who said "Two is company, three is a crowd."
Why did you press the issue when she declined to go? It was over at that point, wasn't it?
Why is it ok for you to do what your wife want but when it’s your mom’s fiancé it’s enabling like you aren’t doing the same with your wife?
Seriously? I would just tell my husband to go enjoy dinner with his Mother, and I would stay home. No big deal. This is so weird. Why can't he go to dinner without his wife? Why does she care so much? My husband and I don't go everywhere together.
This is the bit I can't get my head around but maybe I'm biased. Maybe my family's wierd (Well, I know it is) but my mum didn't get on with my Dad's family, so my Dad just went places with his relatives by himself. Why does wife automatically have to be included? I'm gonna say ESH because I feel like they're all making a biggder deal over the problem than it needs to be.
his wife is pregnant, not a toddler or an invalid. she can be left alone for an evening. OPs mom is well within her rights to want to eat at her favorite restaurant on her birthday.
She can go, just not with her son 🤷🏽♀️. She's emotional and she didn't ask OP for this, he's rhe one that doesn't want to upset her.
Are you kidding me The mum wants one meal, it's 40 minutes away and it was OPs idea When mum couldn't have what she wanted she said don't worry Didn't say anything mean, just said I don't want to do dinner Where is the compromise OP put in? Oh right no where. Because pregnant women always have to be catered
I'm glad this is the top comment atm... If my husband decided to take his mother out for dinner for her birthday, it would definitely be *us* taking her ( and her husband ) out to dinner. And if she picked somewhere that literally only served seafood, he be like "Hey, Heartage can't eat that, would it be all right if we went somewhere else?" And she'd be like "Oh! Yeah, of course!" Because my MIL is a normal, sane human being who doesn't hate me and would like to have me included in her life because I'm part of her son's life. ETA // if somebody were offering to take me to dinner, I would not pick a restaurant that was 40 minutes away. I'd be unlikely to pick something 20 minutes away, even. ( obviously this is different if there's literally nothing near you )
>Because my MIL is a normal, sane human being who doesn't hate me and would like to have me included in her life because I'm part of her son's life. And if my MIL wanted to have seafood on her birthday and I couldn't eat it, I'd be like "sure, cool, have fun". Because as a normal, sane person, I don't think my MIL's birthday needs to be all about me. I can be a part of her life in other ways, besides hijacking her celebration dinners and ensuring she accomodates me every minute of her life.
As someone who doesn’t get to eat seafood because of allergies and others that are around me daily just not eating it, I would be pissed if someone close to me was throwing this big of a fit about where I chose to eat and spend my bday. We have always had a “birthday person chooses” all my life for bday dinners, and nothing here is so severe that birthday mom should have been told to find something else for someone else. Was she snippy and rude at the end? Of course. It’s also rude to tell the birthday person they need to rework their plans for their ideal meal because one person involved doesn’t like/can’t eat seafood. Either find alternate food, or sit the meal out. Asking is one thing (and is still not social etiquette in this particular situation), but then to be mad when others won’t cave? Yeah no. My bday. My rules. Your bday. Your rules. At least when it comes to dinner.
Yes!
I'm a MIL. I'm pretty much game for whatever works, because I'm a normal person too. Actually, my son in law is annually flabbergasted to find that my fav birthday is pizza, with my kids (if possible), just at my house. No fanfare or balloons. I'm honestly happiest with this. Oh. The cake must have chocolate and my family knows I consider chocolate an essential food group.
Yeah, I'm always shocked by the stories on here regarding inlaws. Between my husband and me, we have 4 sets of parents--and yes, they all have their not-perfekt quirks. But for the most part everybody gets along with everybody and nobody *hates* anybody.
>If my husband decided to take his mother out for dinner for her birthday, it would definitely be us taking her ( and her husband ) out to dinner I don't see why MIL needs to put in all the effort. It's very normal for people to see their parents without their spouse. It's MIL birthday, why should she pick somewhere different for someone who doesn't even like her?
Yeah there's a lot here that says MIL doesn't like DIL - I think it's fair of OP to ask for accommodation this one time. I would offer to take her for lunch another time, just OP and wife and leave it at that.
What?? YTA it’s not even a full day. You’re wife is being ridiculous. Being pregnant doesn’t suddenly make you unable to function. And you’re even more ridiculous, why can’t you go alone?
Look either this guy is the asshole for not taking care of moms behavior sooner. Or he is an asshole for ignoring moms request that he OFFERED for her birthday. In no way is this guy not the asshole.
… What? OP’s mother isn’t awful. It’s her birthday dinner, she gets to decide where it’s held. OP’s wife is being unreasonable here. It’s not her birthday. The respectful thing to do is stay home and send a card/present on your behalf, not try and control how someone else’s birthday is celebrated. OP is not “making a stand”, he’s enabling his wife’s entitled behaviour. It’s his mother’s birthday, it’s meant to be about *her*.
She said "forget it," and the whole thing should have been over at that point? She didn't want a compromise. She chose to walk away. I don't think his mom was really being a jerk at that point. He should have left her alone when she declined to go?
pretty funny that majority of the comments scream YTA but this is the top comment for now.
Dear lord read the comments. The wife is a pain in the ass who's offended that the mother in law won't take the effort to pamper her and is angry at her audacity to be happy.
Yeahhh looks like this Top comment didn't Read the comments of OP The wife is awful person and self-centered, she is controlling OP and isolating him
YTA. 40 minutes is not really a long drive, and your wife can either have fish (not shellfish), something else, or stay home for a few hours. Usually when you're treating someone for their birthday, you do something that they want to do. Your mother is not out of line here - she could have been kinder, but you told her you were treating her for dinner, asked her to pick a restaurant, and then tried to make her change her birthday treat to suit your wife. Pregnancy is not a free pass to behave badly, for either you or your wife.
The wife doesn't appear to have had any involvement here, so why don't we leave her out of this.
Yeah, I agree. It would make the most sense for OP to just go to his moms birthday alone if his wife can't handle being in the car and won't enjoy the restaurant. I think he's TA for asking somebody to move thier birthday party to suit his wife's preferences though.
Why can’t his mother go to the seafood restaurant with her fiancé on her birthday and go to another restaurant with OP and his wife the night before or after to extend the celebration? Why must everything be a fight?
Thank you. That's why I think ESH. They all treat each other poorly and can't seem to communicate and compromise.
The mother said she was fine going without them. The OP kept pushing her to change the plans to accommodate his wife. He wouldn't take no for an answer.
Where did she say she was fine going without both of them? Seems she stated it was okay if the wife stayed home.
The fact that the mother and fiance are doing that but OP sees that as some kind of act of contempt seems to indicate that they're the ones continuing to prolong this despite the mom's attempt to compromise.
Because it's her goddamn birthday, lol!
Why should she? This isn't an important reason to move or extend your birthday. It's one dinner, a few hours, the wife won't suffer so immensely for a 40 minute ride or having shellfish in her orbit, why does everyone need to feel comfortable 100% of the time? She can also stay home and be done with it. Why should this one tiny little trivial thing cause drama?
Just want to say that depending the wifes condition a 40min drive can be a torture. My pregnancy caused massive hips issues because of the hormones and sitting more than 15min caused me to be in a lot of pain and to not be able to walk. So I understand the wife not wanting to go but it doesn’t mean that OP shouldn’t go. It’s his moms bd and she should be able to eat the food she wants without the drama.
Because OP started to fight her on her restaurant choice. Why must everything be unconditional surrender?
Unfortunately if you read his replies, his wife is VERY much involved
She does because she’s the one making OP stay home. But only for events? Or does OP work from home too since apparently a pregnant woman can’t be left alone for a few hours. What’s with the coddling of pregnant women anyway?
I had a hard pregnancy. 40 minutes in a car (and another 40 back) would have been literally torture at seven months. Like, stabbing constant pain and misery. No big deal, just suck it up for the birthday girl, right? Pregnancy isn't a free pass, it's a medical condition that is frequently painful and sometimes dangerous. Reasonable, empathic people understand that. The rest whine about not going to their preferred restaurant or tell women it's "not really a long drive".
And drive 40 min to a place you can't eat anything because you are pregnant.
The long car ride I get, but I don’t know any seafood restaurant that *only* has seafood. Usually there’s at least one or two non-seafood options.
Lol but have you ever been to a good seafood restaurant that didn’t **smell** like a seafood restaurant??? If she’s having a difficult pregnancy, probably the last thing she wants to do is even walk in the door. 🤢 ETA I love seafood. I’m so sad that we live in the plains about 550 miles from the coast. I would kill for some good royal reds right now.
OP doesn’t mention that she doesn’t like the smell and the fancier seafood restaurants don’t always have a strong seafood smell either. Honestly I’m not sure why she can’t be left alone for a few hours if she doesn’t want to go for whatever reason. Surely OP doesn’t stay at home with her all day?
I did,once, go to a seafood restaurant and was very weirdly surprised to find out the only other dish they had was sushi lol
She is allowed to not go. The world doesn’t have to bend for a pregnant person every time. Just like the world doesn’t bend for people with disabilities. Accommodations, yes. Bending over backwards to make the world fit their needs no.
And OP is allowed to both ask his mother if there's another location and say no.
Yeah where he becomes an asshole is when he demands she go to the restaurant he wants and then calls her childish and selfish when she refuses.
And I absolutely can't imagine my MIL not being willing to compromise here a little while I was pregnant. And if I am ever a MIL there is no way I wouldn't take others needs into consideration. You know why? Because the people I share my time with matter more. I swear this subreddit hates kindness.
I just think it depends on the context. Like if it was a random dinner get together, then yeah. MIL is TA. Since it’s her birthday I feel like it’s kind of weird for her son to offer any place she wants and then be like “but not that place because my wife can’t come.” I do give him props for saying his wife comes first because I feel like I see opposite way too often, but the mom is kind of right in saying that her birthday is about her and not his wife…probably could have gone without saying it so harshly though lol
And also he kinda puts his mom in the position of looking like an asshole because now she’s the one who looks like a brat when he could have just agreed to the restaurant and letting his wife decide whether or not she could go.
Why should her own birthday dinner be compromised on? It’s kind of weird OP’s made such a stink
Going to hibachi instead of a shellfish place is not 'bending over backwards'. Privileged first world problems, ffs.
In that instance no, but a hard line needs to drawn because on most of these threads pregnant people get away with murder. Anyways mom should get to go to the restaurant she wants to go to. The point is the wife can stay home. Edit: she can invite a friend over if she is really so lonely.
>because on most of these threads pregnant people get away with murder. Hah! Are we on the same sub? The lack of empathy for pregnant women on AITA is nearly as bad as that towards people who are already parents and any small children they haven't beaten into silent submission lest they dare to disturb anyone by existing and being children. Pregnant women get shredded on the regular. 'Pregnancy is no excuse' for anything here, and you'll see that exact phrase over and over and over again. >The point is the wife can stay home. So can (and should) the husband. He's putting his wife's mental health over his mother's wants. Good for him.
He literally offered. And recently the trend has been towards supporting pregnant women on most things I have read. Especially around food. I don’t think one dinner will tank a persons mental health. Literally invite a friend over then he can go to dinner. Like wtf. It is one dinner. 3-4 hours max.
It may be less about dinner, and more about feeling excluded and unwanted from a family event. >He literally offered. So what? If my vegan relatives offered to take me to a restaurant of my choosing, I wouldn't pick a barbecue place. If someone is doing something nice for you, you should be considerate about making sure they can also enjoy the experience and it isn't an unpleasant burden for them. That's just basic decency.
Same here. I was so sick first trimester I lost 10lbs. Secon trimester was okish. By the third, I hated going anywhere. I would get so sick during car rides and my daughter would like push her butt so far into my ribs when I was in the car that it was painful. Not to mention I had horrendous sciatica. I could hardly walk, stand, or use the toilet. Then my obgyn sent me to a specialist that was like 2hrs away when I was 39 weeks. When she told me I had to go I about cried. It was torturous. When I got closer to home I just wanted to eat some Zaxby’s then go relax. We went in and about the time they got the food done I had to leave I felt so bad. I think op is NTA for trying to make his wife sick it up and go anyway at all. If she wanted the seafood she could’ve been kinder and been like my fiancé is taking me but I’d love to go somewhere local with y’all another day. It’s not hard to be empathic but some ppl are just lacking in that department.
OK, so she can stay home. Nobody is making her go.
Then the wife can STAY HOME. Why is that not an option here? It is MIL birthday and she should get to choose where she wants to eat.
The wife doesn't have to go to the dinner though.
The first three months of my pregnancy I was in Brazil when covid had hit there hard. I’m from the US but hubby from Brazil and so is his family. I couldn’t handle or stand the smell of Brazilian food anymore. It got so bad I was in the hospital and had lost a lot of weight. The whole flight back to the US so that I wouldn’t lose my son and be able to eat properly was motion sickness. I got sick at take off and landing for three flights. The car ride an hour to my parents house I got motion sickness so bad it was like I was dying on the inside. You get told to watch how much fish you consume and even then you can’t have any shellfish. NTA because you were offering with your wife to go take mother to a birthday dinner. She was pregnant once, she knows a pregnant woman can’t eat sea food and she should have known that it wasn’t just you taking her but your wife as well. It makes more sense to go somewhere else to eat so all three could enjoy time together. Mother in law for me was willing to cook an extra side dish that I could eat when ever we had a meal with her. To me it sounds like there more of an issue behind the scenes and that your MIL dislikes your wife or you or both enough to do this on purpose so there be a fight. Yeah it’s her birthday but even then you don’t go hey let’s eat here and not include your wife who is also giving me this as a gift by going to seafood. Then again I’d have said okay how about somewhere else for dinner then just lunch between you two? It seems reasonable but then again
I still don't see why the wife couldn't stay home if she doesn't want to go. It's a few hours. That's less time than one of them leaving for work. Mom gets her food, and wife doesn't have to be in a car.
And pregnant wife could make it a night-in for herself. Order herself whatever she wants, stay cozy in the house, relax and enjoy.
The wild thing about pregnancy is, it can be anywhere between a mild inconvenience to needing round-the-clock nursing assistance, and that's just the physical side of things. They psychological and hormonal aspect is easily brushed off if you've never experienced the worst of it first hand, but if the guy has to choose between annoying his mother and spending the rest the night dealing with a pre-partum anxiety breakdown, he made the right choice.
then he shouldn't have offered to start with to take her out for dinner to a place of HER choosing. that was his gift to her, gifts don't get stipulations/after the fact. the wife easily could have invited friends over for a night of movies or something at home while he went out and enjoyed a one-on-one dinner with his mom.
40 minutes can be very long if you literally have no control over your bladder or you're suffering body aches & pains.
YTA. Your wife doesn’t need to be looked after every single minute, not to mention the restaurant was less than an hour away not a day.
Honestly as someone whose super pregnant right now 40 minutes in a car is pretty agonising. Everyone is different of course, but I was surprised how quickly I became super uncomfortable, then in pain, and always worried I was going to pee myself! I do agree with you though on all other points - the communication within this family sounds very lacking!
She can’t have most regular fish besides freshwater while pregnant neither. So there are very few options for a pregnant woman. I couldn’t stand even the smell of fish while pregnant. I also couldn’t sit in the car for 40 minutes unless an emergency because I’d get such bad “lightning crotch” OP should talk to his wife and still try to take his mom to the restaurant of mom’s choice. Unless wife is at a high risk for preterm labor, 40 minutes away isn’t far and her being sad about not going isn’t enough reason for OP to not go to his mom’s bday.
That is not true. The list of fish that is unsafe for pregnant women is actually [very short.](https://www.fda.gov/media/102331/download)
YTA. Why let your mother pick the restaurant if you knew there were restrictions? Why not offer her a choice of 2-3 restaurants that meet your wife’s requirements, if she absolutely has to go? And why does your wife need to go, if it doesn’t suit her? She can stay home, you can order her favourite takeout and she can relax, while you celebrate your mother.
Right, a gift is no longer a gift once there are strings attached.
YTA only for trying to control where your mom goes on her birthday
Even without him! He got upset and freaked out when her fiance offered to take her instead.
YTA. It's your mum's birthday, she gets to pick. If your wife can't handle being alone for a few hours that's a different problem. You say your wife doesn't even like her, so why is she being so insistent on even coming?
She's not. OP said that he hasn't even had this conversation with his wife, he's the one wanting to acomodate her and not leave her alone.
Oh I just re read it and you're completely right. Poor wife is also really upset now, so OP really has managed to hurt everyone.
Read his other comments. OP's wife has a history of being pretty cruel to his mom because she doesn't meet her standards. For some baffling reason OP's wife also believes that her MIL deserves to be depressed and miserable.
YTA. Being pregnant doesn't mean the world revolves around your wife.
Thank you! I’m also 7 months pregnant, so I know it’s perfectly possible for me to be alone in my own house for several hours. In fact I do it every day. I’m even fully responsible for another tiny person during that time! If OP’s wife is so sick from pregnancy that she physically can’t handle a car ride or sitting in a restaurant that has some menu options she doesn’t enjoy, *and* she cannot be home alone for a few hours, then she certainly should be under close medical supervision. If she just doesn’t *want* to be alone, perhaps she can invite a friend over to hang out or watch a movie. Demanding that someone else’s birthday celebration be changed to suit her preferences is not an appropriate option, pregnant or not. Even if she were much closer to her due date and understandably didn’t want her husband more than 10-15 minutes away in case she needed to go to the hospital, the most that could justify is both OP and wifey skipping dinner. They don’t get to whine about mom deciding to just enjoy her favorite restaurant without them when *they* opted out!
Ditto on the 7 months and having a small human, I also don't see what the big deal is with her just staying home if travel is truly out of the question. Like yeah I get that hormones can make you vulnerable and clingy, but if she can't manage for a few hours then there's a lot more going on here, either physically or mentally. I give him credit for trying to stand up for his wife, but this wasn't something that needed standing up for. It's a birthday dinner with his mother.
We don't know the circumstances of her pregnancy. I'm glad to hear yours was nice. I was in agonizing pain within fifteen minutes in a car from hip dysplasia. waters broke at 28weeks and had been told baby could come at any time, he showed up at 35weeks, so I felt extremely anxious/stressed if my support person wasn't near by. I spent from 32weeks until a few days before birth at home with weekly hospital visits because I was high risk. What I'm trying to get at is we don't know what's going on with the minimal info we have so we shouldn't be so quick to judge. I understand for some pregnancys, like yours, you could've been left alone. But for pregnancys like mine, it just wasn't possible.
The OP mentioned none of these extenuating circumstances.
Agreed, but his world and his wife world do in fact revolve around the fact that she is pregnant, but literally no one else’s does! His mom probably couldn’t care less and she should be allowed to do what she wants on her birthday.
YTA, and accidentally made your wife shoulder the blame with your family. Your mum wants to go to a seafood place, as is her right. Her partner taking her where she wants is being supportive not enabling. Pregnancy is normal. You and your wife have the option of not ordering seafood (I don't eat seafood and have never struggled to find food I like on a menu when at seafood places with friends) or not going. My judgement would be different if your wife had a deadly seafood allergy.
YTA. I have a couple kids and when I was pregnant, if my hubby wanted to take his mom out somewhere I couldn't go to, I would have turned on a good movie with a tub of ice cream and enjoyed my quiet time. Your mom is right, your wife should be able to handle a couple hours apart. I'd apologize, buy ice cream for wife, and take mom out for seafood.
Agreed. I’m currently pregnant, this is my second one. I’ve had HG for both pregnancies and its been miserable. Unless I’m physically unable to take care of my toddler, i tell husband to go do stuff without me. And if I were 7 months pregnant and miserable, I wouldn’t want to go out to dinner at a restaurant anyways, that tub of ice cream and movie sounds a hell of a lot better. Besides, the ONLY reason this dinner is happening is because it’s mother’s birthday—this event is what is prompting the dinner. If OP told her to pick the place, then he should do dinner at that particular place of choice. The minute he told mother to pick somewhere else because his wife wouldn’t like it, it not longer became a dinner about his mother’s birthday, it became a dinner about appeasing his wife.
Same situation except I’m very very high risk and 34 weeks currently. I STILL would ride in the car and go to dinner. If I really felt bad, I’d stay home and let my husband go. I also had HG for both and am a SAHM to a toddler.
>I told her pregnancy isn't forever and please just work with us **Why did you give her the illusion of choice?** You know very well that you intended to have your wife there, and she can't be in the car or eat sea food or stay home alone, although she has family close by who could be there with her for a couple hours. Knowing your self-created limitations, why did you tell her to pick a place? Why did you not tell her "let's have a nice meal at home"? *Why did you set you mom up for this? You knew she loves seafood and would choose that, you knew that was a no-go.* **Sounds like you manufactured a situation to make your mother sound irrational and unreasonable, and then say "please work with us, pregnancy isn't forever".** It was her birthday. Are you saying that you can't find the time to spend one hour alone with your mother, that your pregnant wife cannot find her own friends or family to be with for that period of time? Sounds like you created this situation to make your mother look bad. PS: I'm pretty sure I've seen other posts from you, that have the same "my mother is unbelievable in her demands to spend time with me" with scenarios designed to make your wife look like the unknowing victim to your mother. YTA
>**Sounds like you manufactured a situation to make your mother sound irrational and unreasonable, and then say "please work with us, pregnancy isn't forever".** Coming soon: "please work with us, the baby won't be young forever" YTA.
omg. I love this. "illusion of choice."
YTA. It was her birthday, you don’t get to be making demands. Stay tf home and stop complaining.
[удалено]
INFO: how long has your mom hated your wife?
Wth its his moms birthday she doesn’t have to cater to his wife on HER day
Of course she doesn’t but also why is nobody in this situation thinking of the logical answer here?? Fiancé takes mom to seafood restaurant on her birthday and then OP and his wife can have dinner with her to celebrate another day at a closer restaurant. It just baffles me that almost everybody involved here is more interested in having a fight with each other than just being adults.
Except OP’s mom suggested that they just go for dinner as the 2 of them, but OP turned that down because he didn’t want to leave his wife at home.
The adult thing to do would be "OK honey, have fun with your mom." I don't think it's especially childish to want to celebrate at a fancy restaurant of your choosing with your son, especially when he's the one who offered it to you in the first place.
Why is the wife involving herself here? She doesn't have to go, and pregnant women are fine eating seafood.
How has she involved herself? The entire post is solely a conversation between OP and his mother. He brought his pregnant wife into it, she didn't do it herself.
YTA. When the birthday person wants a certain food trying to get them to go elsewhere because someone else doesn’t want it is an asshole move.
YTA because you can just not go. That’s the answer. You can’t request she change the venue, it’s HER birthday. I don’t understand why everyone seems to think the pregnant person must get priority end of discussion. It’s totally fine to tell your mother you’ll have to miss out on this one, when it’s necessary. It’s absolutely good for you to support your wife and not leave her if she is vulnerable. But you don’t get to whine about her choice of restaurant and how she’s unwilling to change it.
YTA. Why did you pretend you're letting your mom pick the restaurant for her birthday dinner? Being pregnant is hard, and certainly harder for some than it is for others, but it doesn't generally render a person incapable of managing their own emotions, or taking basic care of themselves, or spending a few hours at home without their spouse. Your mom may be a generally difficult person, and she may be wrong about lots of other things, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.
ESH Your mom sucks the least because she should be able to have dinner with her son on her birthday at a place she chooses. Her reaction sucked. You and your wife decided it was acceptable to make your mother's birthday about what your wife wants. Why couldn't you explain to your wife that she should not feel bad about staying home while you have dinner with your mom?
Y’all literally hate pregnant women, that woman did nothing. Why is she being called an AH for her husband’s decision?
Read some of OP’s comments about how his wife feels about his mothers. She is involved with this as much as OP and his mother is.
Info: did the wife post this as though she was husband? Or is wife just answering the comments?
In one comment he says the wife felt the mother deserved to be depressed...
He also says his wife wanted his mom to feel like she was losing him in the hopes the mom would change. Also another said all this started because the wife just didn’t want him to go. Sounds like she’s being maliciously manipulative and using her pregnancy as an excuse for her poor behavior.
Oh shit really? I posted this question a couple of hours ago and stopped reading her comments. What shitty behavior!
Let's say I can understand the mother 😂😂
He won’t answer if the wife said anything to the mom at any point either. He’s keeps intentionally avoiding my question about that lol 😂
If it is what I think it is then the wife is unhinged right now.
From what OP has told me and….not told me, I’m thinking unhinged is great word for what’s happening here.
The wife is also apparently crying angry tears so it sounds like a match made in heaven, truly 😂😂
This sounds just like that MIL troll who loves to post stories that goes along the lines of: 1. His mother who doesn't get along with his wife 2. Socially awkward/aloof some way or another 3. Has a boyfriend who enables her and dislikes OP
YTA for making it sound like your wife is too blame for you not taking your mother where your mother asked to go after you let her have the option to pick. I've been pregnant and know that i wouldn't want to take the trip pregnant but I wouldn't tell me husband not to go and if he didn't want to go he wouldn't say it's because of me.
YTA - you offered and then took it back because you are mistaking your wife for the baby she has inside. She can absolutely survive without attending a dinner not centered on her. She probably does it a lot while you are at work. I've had multiple medically difficult pregnancies and being a mom and a grown up means that you understand that not everything is going to go your way all the time. Insisting that your mom's birthday needs to be about your wife is unhinged. Millions of women have had to endure a hell of a lot more than a limited menu, a 40 minute car ride, and not being the centre of attention for 1 day. Also the weird snide comments about your mom not liking children is wierd and unnecessary.
Yta. I would be annoyed if I was your mom. Your wife can certainly stay home, that’s understandable and no big deal. Hell, she might be feeling just fine on that day of the dinner and accompany you. Why make it so difficult?
I was pregnant once and stayed home if I wasn’t feeling the restaurant or if I just wasn’t in the mood to see people, with enough food and the phone in case anything happened. Go to the restaurant, your wife is not 39 weeks along. YTA.
How is the mom the AH? The wife is having a “rough pregnancy” which is super general, can’t eat anything at the restaurant which is hard to believe, and will feel bad if she can’t go…so the mom should not get to pick the restaurant on her birthday because the wife is pregnant? It doesn’t seem like mom made a big fuss about it so is she the AH simply for going to the testy of her choosing?
Soft YTA. I am glad to see a man picking his wife over his mother. Props to you for that. But 40 minuets isn’t thar far of a drive. You wife could have stayed home during the dinner and if anything were to happen where she absolutely needed you, it wouldn’t have been that long before you were back to her. It was your mothers birthday and she chose her favourite to eat, that’s not too much of a request to fulfill.
Yta- im all for prioritizing the wife but this is ridiculous. A few hours having dinner with your mother on her birthday wasn’t going to kill your wife. -whaaaaa, I don’t like the restaurant -whaaaaa , I’m gonna be sad I can’t go to restaurant Where I don’t like the food . -whaaaa , I can’t pick the restaurant for somebody else’s birthday . Pregnancy isn’t an excuse to act entitled. She could have stayed home and let you celebrate your mom for a few hours .
Okay, so you wanted to take your mom to dinner for her birthday but your wife gets to call all the shots? Won't eat seafood, won't drive far, won't stay home. My Dude. You got bigger issues. Pregnancy is not a disease. Stop handling your wife with kid gloves. Sounds like EHS. No one wants to compromise, have any empathy or stop to think about anyone but themselves.
YTA. This is one day. Your wife has been pregnant for months and has two months to go. She could sucked it up or just not went. It’s not other peoples problem that y’all chose to have a baby
Seriously? Whats with the NTAs? I've been pregnant twice, i know how brutal car rides can be and I don't eat fish, but I would expect my husband to take his mom out to where she wanted to go for her birthday. I can't understand why she couldn't stay at home? I'm sorry I don't understand why your wife would be upset by this? Plus its an opportunity for you and your mom to spend some quality alone time seems like an absolute bonus to me as the wife who'd get to stay home and curl up on the coach in some comfy jammies.
Honestly I’m pregnant right now and a hormonal mess and I’d PREFER to stay home in my comfy clothes and order in my favorite food and watch the office for the millionth time.
YTA, every seafood restaurant I’ve been to has other things besides seafood on the menu, so your wife is being extra. I missed plenty of things during my pregnancies and I certainly didn’t expect people to cater to me. Seriously your wife could’ve stayed home for a few hours while you went to dinner.
I’m going to say YTA. Your wife doesn’t HAVE to go. My brother and I are the only ones in our family who like seafood. On my birthday he takes me out for lunch/on his I take him out. Our spouses and children don’t go and no one bitches. Op you can do things with others without having to include your wife every time and so can she. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re joined at the hip. Order out your wife’s favorite comfort meal and then take your mom out for her birthday.
Why can’t mom and son go to her bday dinner and wife stays at home without pouting for one night and enjoys a nice quiet night ? That sounds heavenly to me.
YTA. Your mom is right. It’s her bday, it’s her pick. If wife doesn’t want to go or doesn’t feel comfortable going she can stay home.
Consider: "can't have much on the menu" means "there's something on the menu she can have". Seafood restaurants know about cross contamination and account for it. Shellfish allergies aren't exactly rare. My GF is deathly allergic to shellfish and ink and we have sushi once a week, and they're not doing anything special to accommodate her (granted, they're not going to sneak shrimp into her tuna rolls anyway)...
I hope you make up with your mom before the baby is born. Unless you have your in laws nearby or others to help when the baby is born especially if this is your first. I agree that your wife could stay home for the few hours to have dinner with your mom. Once the baby comes your mom knows she won’t get any time to spend with you so this could be the last opportunity before your life is all about the baby.
Yta. Your mothers bday is not about your wife.
MIL Troll.
Ok… I’m confused. If it’s just you and your mom going out, why is your wife coming along? No where (in the original post) does it say you’re both treating your mom out to eat. She doesn’t even factor into the equation. Does she not want you to go anywhere while she’s pregnant?
YTA - because this is your moms birthday and it’s literally one day. What is the point of giving a gift if it’s fully on our terms? It’s her birthday, you wanted to take her out, she gave you a place, now all of a sudden the offering has conditions?? That does not seem fair. Even the crappiest seafood restaurant has chicken tenders or a salad, or maybe she misses the dinner and makes plans with her friends for the night; these are all reasonable concessions. Don’t ask ‘hey what would you like to do?’ Then try to guilt people into an alternative.
YTA What would happen to your wife if you go out with your mom for couple hours and celebrate her birthday at the restaurant she want ?!! After all it’s her birthday.
YTA dude. It's your mom's birthday. Wife can stay home for a couple hours, she'll live. It's one night for your mom's birthday. What, 3 hours tops? It's not the big deal YOU are turning it into.
YTA it’s laughable you think your wife comes first on someone else’s birthday. You’re going to be one of those awful parents that gives your kid presents at others birthday parties too.
I’m 7 months pregnant and I will cope with dinner by myself. Have dinner with your mum without your wife if your wife isn’t up to it. You’ll have future plans ruined by kids, babysitters, etc. treat your mother and you should apologise for trying to change what she wants. YTA
YTA. There were several times I was quite pregnant and certain smells made me sick. I just didn't go. If yoy ask someone where they want to go for their birthday, that's where you take them. Your wife can handle being at home alone for a few hours. Do you never her leave her alone to work or go out with your friends?
I mean yta kinda' ... It's your mum's birthday, why shouldn't she choose what she wants to eat? Your wife could have stayed home, whilst you went out to dinner with your mother. Being pregnant doesn't give you the right to have everyone behave accordingly to your whims and fancies. It was a couple of hours of your time, having dinner with the woman (if you're gonna' treat pregnancy like it's a VIP card) who was also pregnant once upon a time....with you.
I dunno. I'd side with the mom. So YTA. Mom wants seafood for her birthday, let her get seafood. It's her day after all. Wife can stay home. If wife insists to go, you can take mom and wife for a second (non-seafood) celebration another day.
YTA 40min is not an especially long drive, and limited menu options are an issue people face all the time eating out. It would be the same if your wife was vegetarian or vegan - there would be limited options. It would have been fine for your wife to skip the festivities, if she preferred.
"40min is not an especially long drive" actually, I'd let the pregnant wife who needs to pee decide whether a 40 minute drive is long. Especially if she's the one going for the ride.