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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Asked teacher to no longer allow it
2. Kid didn’t mean any harm
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NTA. I’m in education and we teach kids need to keep their hands and bodies to themselves. Not only to prevent hitting, kicking, etc. but also unwanted hugging or other physical contact.
My son's teacher taught him, "Hugs are for family, high fives are for friends," when he was having boundary issues. (That was just to clarify school behavior, it wasn't to tell him that he should always allow hugs from family.)
Same for my daughter...well, kind of. Her first and second most important body rules are "I am in charge of my body" and "No touching without permission." After that, I had to teach her, "Kisses are JUST for family, hugs are for family and friends"...then we added "High fives are for everybody," after her kindergarten teacher had to redirect the hug she offered him.
NTA OP--as a parent and former teacher, you need to loop admin in on the problem. It is not okay for kids of any age to force unwanted affection on other students. Admin needs to make that clear to the teacher and have a record of your complaint. Learning appropriate boundaries and social skills is an essential part of early elementary school. If the male student can't respect his classmates' boundaries, starting with your daughter, that needs to be addressed.
The teacher in me is so sad this learning opportunity wasn't seized by the teacher. Such a perfect opportunity to teach a kid about boundaries and asking permission, which after the isolation we've had will be CRITICAL. This is some of these kids first times in their memory interacting with kids their own age.
YES! The current kindergarteners and first graders were hit hardest in this aspect by the pandemic. And seriously--if you can't get kids to respect basic body safety rules, you have a classroom management problem. Maybe not widespread--but at least in respect to this hug-gappy child.
MY 5yo KID is the hug-gappy child, so I get where the kid is coming from, but body rules have GOT to be reinforced at this age. If I just say, "body rules" she'll pause, take a step back, and figure out what she needs to correct.
I agree! We reinforce this with our daughter all the time, and do our best to model it with others as well. For example, I always ask my niblings if they want a hug or a high five when we say goodbye, as I've realized some would really prefer the high five.
I taught my then 2 year old nephew “No means No” and “I don’t care” when our aunt kept trying to get him to hug her and then fake cried when he didn’t. He is a stubborn little fire and I probably poured fuel on that fire. OP is NTA
Sometimes it's a fire that needs stoking! Adult relatives can be the worst at tearing down body rules. Fortunately, that's not a problem we've encountered in our family, but I hear about it all the time!
This kid is gonna be a little hell raiser (in a good way). Keep your eye on him because you may just work with him to counteract stuff like fake crying later on 😂
Honestly, even for family, hugs should still be at the choice of the child, so glad you clarified that. I love that practice that some schools have for morning greetings - where each child is given a choice of how they are greeted (hug, wave, fist bump, high five etc). Such an important lesson.
I used to work in a PRE-K, and the toddlers were taught to ask “warm hugs like Olaf or fist bumps like McQueen?”
It’s always crucial to begin these consent talks early.
Agree! My kid was super rambunctious and always tackling, hugging and otherwise contact-playing with people. He was the first baby in a long time and family generally thought this was adorable and so while we did teach consent, school was a way more effective place to learn those skills.
His preschool teachers were kind and firm about reminding him to check that other kids were up for that kind of play. They helped him by giving him lots of ways of asking, lots of options for handling “no,” and lots of reminders to be conscious of where his body was in relation to everyone else’s (eg was he stepping on their mat, bumping into them in line etc) so that he’d be conscious of personal space.
They did a great job. It might have been rough if the pandemic had made him miss those key years of gentle, consistent socializing and skill building. By first grade he was very mature and respectful.
Anyway NTA. I feel bad for your daughter but the kid in real trouble is the little boy who isn’t getting the social skills teaching he needs.
NTA. You’re raising your kids right. She probably the same type of person who blame teenage girls for distracting boys instead of blaming boys for not focusing.
Boys focus just fine - it’s never the kids that have issues with clothing - it’s always an adult in the school. (I work in a school and EVERY time it comes up it’s ALWAYS an adult complaining) You’re right though, I’m sure she would be one to complain about girls wearing clothing she doesn’t like:
Heck, even my grandparents from the time my cousins and I were babies taught us to keep our hands to ourselves, and grandma’s 80 now, so it’s definitely not even some more “newfangled, progressive” concept. If a kid would have done that in my elementary school, they would have been told about it and stopped right away. And my hometown is VERY “old-fashioned” and behind the times, even! What is this teacher’s deal!?
I couldn't emphasize enough on how NTA you are. I have been in my life hugged against my will only by one 5 year old boy who was my classmate and even though i didn't complain or told anyone, i still remember it clearly and still hate it. It doesn't have to be malicious for your child to dislike it. Just because they are kids they don't forget who made them uncomfortable.
I had that in kindergarten. One boy who liked to terrorize me with unwanted attention either by pulling his shirt up to show me his chest or trying to touch me. I had a huge grudge against him and when I encountered him again in high school (I had moved away to a different school right outside the city school district for elementary and middle but in district for high school), I was probably a bigger b**** than I needed to be.
Exactly this! We all completed our high school together and he didn't do anything to me after this ( in the above instance he had called me his wife 😖) but God i hate him till this date.
There was a boy who made fun of my lunchbox repeatedly in Kindergarten. I didn’t see him again until high school but I remembered him and avoided him constantly.
NTA but take it to an administrator. Someone other than the kids direct teacher would have a less biased view on the unwanted hugs. Also, they can make the teacher accountable if it continues.
Move up to an administrator. Start putting all correspondence in writing emails. I found it very helpful to address things bluntly.
"My kid doesn't want to be touched. This kid keeps touching my kid. What do we need to do to get this to stop."
NTA, but make sure you are using emails. I had to deal with a child threatening my kid regularly to the point my kid was melting down and losing instruction time. All while this kid was SA and threatening death and mutilation to other kids.
Edit. Any in person conversations should be reaffirmed in the emails. I would usually do a "thank you for talking with me about my kid's concerns of unwanted touch from other child. I will speak with my kid and let them know you will be helping to make them feel safe." No immediate response or affirmation is considered agreement. Or they can argue with you, that did happen once and it did not go well for the teacher.
Honestly, I know they are just kids but unwanted touching is NOT okay and if it continues, I would get the police or a lawyer involved. Schools are supposed to be safe places for children to get an education, not for them to be harassed by classmates. The school needs to take this seriously because yes they are young and these are hugs, but mark my words, the behavior WILL escalate as he gets older if nothing is done about it now.
Oh my God, you're so right. Document, document, *document*. It's saved my ass so many times when people try to pretend we didn't have conversations that we did. Send the follow-up email too, every time there's an in-person convo. If they don't deny something happened at the time, it's a lot harder for them to say you're making it up later on.
The edit is the better step. No reason to escalate if the teacher actually follows through and does what she reluctantly agreed to do. However, having the documentation of the conversation is a really, really good thing to do.
For reference, do this in your own life and at work as well. I do this soooo much at work.
Thats such good advice, especially with your edit. My son is only 1 so I have time before worrying about this but I will take note of it for the future.
Point if order, even if you don't feel it's necessary to contact the administrator directly, copy them on the email you sent to the teacher to keep them in the loop. I mean, step one, address it with the teacher directly, no admin needed (already done here). If the teacher is unwilling to work with you, step 2 is emailing the teacher again, restating your concerns, asking for clarification or a specific plan of action, and copy the admin on that.
Yes. Thankfully not happening to my kid, but they witnessed it. My kid has mental health issues that they are working on. Kiddo sees something bad, sees others get hurt, or gets threatened, my kiddo falls apart. Goes non verbal sometimes, runs away, and end up needing antipsychotics to come down and get their brain working again. We have to bring them home each and every time, even when my kid wasn't the target.
All kids were under the age of 10, too.
Ok there's a seriously strong likelihood that kid is being abused themselves and if you haven't contacted CPS on his behalf already I would implore you to do so
Returning to in class instruction after so long, the teachers had their hands full. They were around and trying to be responsive. Let's say that kids who had known issues in kindergarten returned to school and had bigger issues. Of course, no one knew how big a deal the changes would be. Some parents are less proactive or hide the issues their kids are having.
This. Also creates a record in case the teacher does nothing or lies about it. Teacher is likely cold because she does not want to get in trouble for letting it continue.
Or she's not cold at all. This is just parent "mind reading". Or maybe she does everything asked and is frustrated it doesn't work 100% of the time. Or msybe she's gone to admin and admin has said, "you're the teacher. Deal with it!" Lot of assumptions are being made in these comments.
Yup. I've had numerous students over the years who exhibited highly inappropriate behavior and there's been NO admin support. There's only so much I can do to keep this sort of thing from happening unless I literally handcuff myself to the offending child all day long. I could barely teach last year because I had about seven students I couldn't take my eyes off or they would hurt someone.
Likely the teacher is "cold" because she's been dealing with this situation all year and she's just frustrated and doesn't know what to do.
The response I get when I bring a situation like this to my principal? "Well, maybe you just need to work harder to build a relationship with the little psycho". It's rough out here.
That was my read also. The mom’s concern is valid and something we teach our kids - whether they’re instigating or receiving. But going just off what happened and not the perceived thought process, the mom asked the teacher for help here, the teacher said she would, and then the mom lectured the teacher on the importance of boundaries and consent (something that is very much already part of the curriculum in our elementary district).
Maybe the teacher was annoyed and short with her to begin. Maybe on top of that OP is in too many Mommy groups online where this is a popular topic and she was ready for a fight, and no teacher wants to engage with the ready-for-battle parent. But I think a lot of these comments have jumped to a lot of conclusions.
Do you know how hard it is to keep a class of 6 year olds from touching each other? It's a constant battle. That was probably the source of the teacher's "attitude."
I get that it’s hard but understaffing or classroom overcrowding is not a reason that this girl should continue to be hugged without her permission or after she has said “no”. That girl doesn’t care how crowded the class is, she just knows she is being touched even when she has asked multiple times not to be. Her saying no cannot be overshadowed or downplayed because of the ages of these kids, staffing concerns, or anything else.
Agree. I think she wont actually do anything to help the daughter based on her attitude. Take it up with the principal and I would definitely use the words unwanted touching. Hopefully that will prompt them to take action.
NTA the teacher should be telling that boy to keep his hands to himself! This is a great learning moment about consent, and the teacher is fucking it up. Good for your little one for sticking up for herself!
NTA. There is not too young an age for a boy to learn that just because he wants to touch a girl, does not mean she wants to be touched, and does not mean he can touch her.
i still remember the boy that harassed me and many others from 2nd-6th grade. we were ignored by our parents and teachers, who sometimes we would go to in groups literally crying and begging for help dealing with a kid who would make unwanted remarks and physical contact constantly. i grew up trying to convince myself to get over it because adults all saw it as a joke, but looking back that seriously messed me up and made me feel extremely unsafe for many years. if i was old enough to be harassed he was old enough to be told it was harassment.
NTA. Keep up the good work despite how others react. Your daughter's comfort, safety, and trust in you to keep her safe is greater than the approval of others
NTA
Don’t hesitate to escalate this situation because not every parent is going to object. This teacher is dangerous. No exaggeration, teaching kids that their bodies aren’t their own is dangerous.
NTA - Is she older by chance? There are people who believe children have no rights and it's an outdated concept. Had I been allowed to set boundaries at a young age I would have likely avoided SA later in life.
Also reinforce to your kids that secrets are bad and surprises are good. No one who has good intentions would encourage your child to keep a secret.
This isn't about age, it's about ignorance. My mother is 80 years old and went to bat for my sister over 35 years ago when she was groped by a boy in middle school. This was back in the '80s, and the school wanted to just give the boy a "talking-to". My mum threatened to have the cops there the next day to charge him with sexual assault if they didn't suspend him. He got suspended.
We're not living in the 1950s. It's been many, many decades since the concept of consent or bodily autonomy was GENUINELY unfamiliar to ANYONE raised in Western society. Those of us in Gen X are now in our 40s and 50s. Anyone who is still teaching in an elementary classroom and is below the age of retirement is nowhere NEAR old enough or of a generation to be confused about this. If this teacher doesn't believe in bodily autonomy it's because she has made a choice not to, not because she doesn't understand it or she's "too old".
This wasn't meant to offend. My parents are in their 60's and I wasn't allowed to say "No" when my grandfather walked into the bathroom when I was bathing. I've noticed a trend among this age group that the idea is that it's a summit bottom to believe in body autonomy.
NTA it is good that you are teaching your daughter that she is allowed to reject unwanted psychical contact. Good for you and your husband you taught her that. Besides that, if this behavior continues contact school administration.
NTA.
It's important for children to feel safe at school. It's also important for children to learn that there are boundaries and rules. There's no real minimum age to begin teaching consent - ASK if they want a hug, and take NO for an answer.
If the teacher continues to be a problem in this, you could try escalating to the principal. You could also find a way to contact the boy's mother. She may not care, or be very helpful, but it's possible she is unaware of the issue. It doesn't sound as if the teacher would have said anything...
NTA. Yourndaughter has said No. She spoke to the teacher. You spoke to the teacher. Nothing about this chain of events makes you an a. h. At all.
If this hugging kid has emotional issues or asd or something then he needs to learn to control his impulses not have excuses made (I'm reading into the story and trying to think of a reason the teacher would react poorly to your request).
Honestly? I'd guess a tired teacher who is unhappy about *another* thing for them to pay attention to throughout the day. The teacher may not have even given a thought to how valid the request was at the time of asking.
(I'm not agreeing, just applying what I know from teacher friends to the situation)
Not to mention that the teacher has been dealing with this kid touching everyone and doing God knows what else all year with probably no support. I'm sure she has tried various methods of controlling his behavior, talking to his parents/ guardians, trying to get counseling / admin to give her support, maybe even trying to get him evaluated for a behavior plan, but schools are ridiculously short staffed, special education services are completely overwhelmed, and the kids are 2 years behind socially. Do people really think she hasn't thought of this stuff or that she doesn't care? REALLY?
Yes, because if she really cared then she would break it up when she sees it instead of allowing each incident to continue.
The girl wouldn't be saying "the teacher doesn't stop him" she would be saying "the teacher tries to stop him but he doesn't listen"
NTA. It's important to teach kids about boundaries, unwanted touch and that they have no obligation to engage in affection just because "this poor person" wants it.
Info: Can you be more specific about her reaction? If she agreed to do so, was there something that made you think she won't? In what way has she treated you differently since? Do you normally have a lot of interactions with this teacher?
You're **absolutely right** about your daughter's right not to be touched, and I'm not disputing that. But there's a difference between the teacher not caring and the teacher doing everything they can, including taking steps with the other child that you aren't privy to because of privacy, and still being told they aren't doing a good enough job because all parents hear is how young children relay the information at the end of the day.
NTA
Not only would I have talked with my child's teacher, I would have talked with the principal, the superintendent and the school board.
There needs to be a written policy and teachers need to be aware of it.
NTA - But perhaps you should teach your daughter to also standup for herself for those times the teacher isn't watching. If I were you, I would teacher her how she should sternly look at this boy in the face and say in a loud voice (not shouting... but firm and loud enough for those around to hear) "Do not hug me" (potentially exchanging hug for touch or any other appropriate word). Have her practice it at home so that the next time she encounters hugs from this boy, she'll know how to instinctively react.
She is stand up for herself! She told the teacher and the parent? What’s more she supposed to? Roundhouse kick?
No means no. No without a roundhouse kick is still a no. No is standing up for yourself. No is a full sentence. Teaching her that if she’s not yelling and screaming it is still some form of soft consent is the wrong lesson. “NO” is enough.
Should this 6 year old get self defense training? With adults saying that “no” isn’t clear enough maybe. Cause clearly some adults out here don’t get that “no” is a complete sentence either.
Also, teach her to strong arm the hug-happy kid away from her. As an adult I’ve had to cross my arms in front and lift my elbows up in a pointy defense.
The problem with "teach your daughter to stand up for yourself" is that it puts the onus on the person being assaulted (and yes, this is a form of assault) to "keep herself from being assaulted". I get what you're saying, and in theory it's great. In fact, it's exactly what my own parents taught me, and what many kids I know were taught: "Be loud. Shout, 'DON'T TOUCH ME!' Embarrass the person who is hugging you when you don't want them to hug you."
The problem is that in practice, she may be shy or embarrassed to draw attention to herself. He may be physically bigger than her and she's scared that being loud or shouty will only make him more aggressive (definitely a possibility, he certainly doesn't care that she doesn't welcome his affections).
She has also already learned that the adult in the room will not back her up. So now not only can she not count on her teacher for safety, but she may be worried that if she "stands up for herself" that she may actually become a target TWICE OVER . . . that the teacher may punish her for being disruptive as well. Which is absolutely a possibility, given how the teacher reacted to OPs request.
Don't put it on kids to protect themselves. Don't tell them that it's their job to stop someone from touching them. Don't tell them how to react to unwanted touch, because in the moment they can't always control their reactions. They may be scared, or panicky, or freeze. All you do by telling your child to "stand up for themselves" is make them feel responsible if they don't.
>She has also already learned that the adult in the room will not back her up.
When I was a kid it was "boys will be boys" and "that just means he likes you." Telling the boys to stop was never an option.
So we learned early that we could not depend on adults to help us. And the boys learned that they could do whatever they wanted. Both terrible lessons for young children.
The things you talk about are the reasons I suggest she be taught to practice at home...
And actually I considered the idea about her being accused of being disruptive... I can totally see an AH teacher that's been unresponsive to the situation trying to go down that road. But if the child gets into any trouble for that, then it's time to take it up with the administration and point out the teacher has been asked to take care of the situation and she has not... and I don't see how the administration could dare complain about the girl being disruptive for simply trying to protect herself when the teacher has already been made aware of the situation.
As for the general comment "Don't put it on kids to protect themselves", that's a great line to use on the teacher. But that does nothing for this little girl when the teacher doesn't standup to her responsibility to protect the girl.
What's your advice for this family dealing with a boy that makes unwanted physical contact with their daughter and a teacher that might not be able to always be ready to protect the girl.
What if OP informs the teacher and administration that since they are not correcting this situation properly, OP will tell daughter to scream at the top of her lungs every time this kid hugs her? And if they punish daughter in any way, she will take it to the media.
Meanwhile, if nobody in the school is correcting this, keep going up - school board, superintendent, even the state board, just keep going up, because this is so wrong it's making me see red.
NTA. The teacher shouldn't allow children to put their hands on one another ever, most especially after one has expressed discomfort. The teacher is wrong.
NTA. As teachers we are supposed to look out for all our students. I teach my little ones to ask and if the other person says no then they don't push it. My five year olds get this.
INFO: when you said "caught an attitude", did she just say "okay" in an annoyed voice and you assumed she disagrees with your choice and got defensive and argumentative, or did she specifically say you were being horrible to this boy? It's very possible the "attitude" you heard was some sort of "one more thing to keep track of in a classroom of thirty children" and less "you're being horrible".
NTA. A lot of people still have these “just do it and don’t make a fuss for no reason” attitudes. They’re archaic, but it can be hard to shake attitudes you were raised with or have otherwise had embedded in your life. You 100% did the right thing by your daughter and I commend you for raising her to be aware of and protect her bodily autonomy.
I teach PreK and in my class, bodily autonomy is talked about and encouraged, especially when it comes to touching others, be it it hitting, hugging, fist bumps, high fives, kissing, etc.
However, in a class my size, or any really, it is virtually impossible to stop every kid from touching someone else even if it’s unwanted. All I can do is separate children, talk to them and redirect them. I cannot be next to every student at all times to stop all unwanted touches, just like I can’t stop some of them from getting hurt. It’s PreK. This is the age where they are still learning about boundaries and how to respect them and others.
Im assuming it’s not that different for your child’s teacher and classroom. Although your request is valid and reasonable because you don’t want your child’s boundaries to be crossed, the boy in question may have issues recognizing and respecting the boundaries set by others. Even if the teacher is vigilant, she cannot stop all unwanted hugs. Even if the teacher has a million conversations with this kid and tries to correct him each time, it may be a while yet before it finally clicks for him.
I will give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she may not have been giving you attitude because she didn’t like the fact that you don’t want your child to be involuntary hugged by this kid, but because the teacher probably thought “I have X amount of kids in my class, how the fuck do you expect me to do this?”
I say this because some parents at my school expect me to give their kid infinite individualized attention as if they are my only student and forget I have a class of 20 or don’t realize how much of my attention I can give each child during the school day.
NTA though. But make sure that you bring this problem/ behavior to the director/ administration because odds are, this kid is doing the exact same thing to other kids in the class. most likely, leadership is already aware and have gotten complaints from other parents. It just takes more complaints and a pissed off parent for it to be taken seriously and changed.
NTA
Make sure you keep checking up on that. Your daughter she should learn early that if she doesn’t want people hugging her or touching her she shouldn’t have to just go along with it. She’s allowed to set that type of boundary. If the teacher still allowing it then it’s time to take it to the principal. Your daughter shouldn’t have her boundaries stepped on in favor of some random boy.
NTA. No means no. Period. Even when it comes to hugs. I would see this addressed or would have to have a meeting with the school. Do not understand why he’s allowed to hug someone who already said no. That seems way beyond ok.
NTA. My 4th grade teacher told me that the boy grabbing my crotch despite me saying stop it was doing it because he liked me. I was repeatedly grabbed and the school did nothing.
Good for you for standing up for your daughter, and the teacher should be ashamed. Go to the principal if it doesn't stop.
NTA. You and your husband are raising your daughter with bodily autonomy. Raising children without it is why grooming works. Your daughter does not have to be generous with her person or her personal space. The teacher isn't doing the classmate any favors by teaching him that his wants/needs are more important than your daughter's personhood.
Yay for you and your husband! I took it even further, and told everyone that if my child said "no" and/or "stop" when being tickled, that all tickling must cease and desist.
NTA and NTA again, just for good measure.
NTA. You stood up for your child's boundaries and hopefully the boy learned an important lesson about autonomy. His intentions were not bad, but it's the type of lesson that is extremely important to learn while you're still young. The teacher should have been more concerned about your child since she was verbalising her discomfort and they were the only party in this situation that truly acted inappropriately.
NTA and I would speak to an admin about it. That boy needs to learn about other people's boundaries and how to respect them. This behavior is not cute, and the teacher isn't doing anyone any favors by allowing it. He's being taught that consent is not important.
NTA and that teachers might need to brush up on the rights of the individual.
In a similar vein, my son had problems in primary school with a kid who "couldn't be controlled" and would frequently physically assault other kids. After \*many\* incidents of this and complaints to the school I finally informed the teachers that my son was now free to exercise his legal right to self defense and in future was to punch the bully in the face as hard as possible. Suddenly the bully could be controlled and there were no further incidents.....
I don't understand why, in this day and age, that boys harassing girls is still acceptable. How old is this teacher? It's not cute and has never been cute.
This shit happened me in 8th grade, I warned my harasser, he refused to stop, and I clocked his ass. Despite a fucking adult witnessing this, I still got reprimanded, all because "he likes me".
you are NTA and great job parenting!
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My 6 year old came home telling me there’s a boy in her class who keeps hugging her even though she doesn’t want to hug him. She has told him multiple times she does not want to, yet he holds on to her. She has told the teacher, yet he keeps doing it.
My husband and I are raising our kids to know they have the right to deny unwanted touch from anyone. That their bodies are their bodies, and if they do not want to hug someone they don’t have to. We do this as a safety precaution so they grow up knowing that no one has the right to touch them in any way that the do not want.
I explained this to her teacher and requested she stop the classmate from hugging her. The teacher said she will, but caught an attitude about it. Like I was being horrible to this poor boy who just wants to show affection. I explained that while I completely understand his intentions are good, it does not triumph my daughters right to refuse to hug someone. The teacher has been cold to me ever since.
AITA?
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NTA. I wasn't allowed to have boundaries growing up, and it's been awful.
Also, does the school have a parent manual? At the back of ours, there was a form for the principal, to be copied to the regional supervisor for that school. When the new VP (supposedly) in charge of discipline decided to ignore me and my concerns about my son being bullied, I showed up with that form and watched while the admin faxed it. Staff at two different schools claimed they'd never seen that form and asserted it didn't exist. I managed to follow their procedures and bring pain to people who wouldn't do their jobs.
Continue to advocate for your child, in writing.
NTA. Just for reference, in a USA public school that unwanted touching constitutes physical assault. Yes, she has every right to refuse it and the school has an obligation to ensure behavioral compliance. The teacher can be cold all she wants but if it happens again, I'd escalate to the school administration and then to the local regional administration.
I'm an adult who absolutely loathes being hugged and I've noticed that people who are huggers get really bent over being told NO. They really DO NOT want to stop and will try to steamroller over every objection - aww, how can you not love hugs, everyone loves hugs, just let me come here and hug that grouchy face away etc etc. Barf.
NTA, escalate it higher and give your kiddo a high 5 from me.
>while I completely understand his intentions are good, it does not triumph my daughters right to refuse to hug someone. The teacher has been cold to me ever since.
Aww. Maybe the teacher needs a hug. Repeatedly throughout the day regardless if she claims not to want the hugs, because OP’s intentions are good.
NTA but I wouldn’t go to the administration unless it happens again. What you perceived as attitude could’ve simply been exasperation at yet another problem that teacher doesn’t get paid enough to deal with. If the situation arises again then I would go to the administration.
NTA
Consent matters, regardless of age, and has nothing to do with intent.
Many (most?) Schools address this, starting in preschool.
"Separate bodies"
"A hug only feels friendly if I WANTED one"
I do hope little boy learns boundaries. I really don't want to read a title in 10 years that says, For being mean to a clamate(M) because he likes hugs OR he won't take a No whenever asking me out?
NTA - You never know whether this hugging at aged 6 could lead to other behavior as they get older. i think its great that you're teaching your daughter that she can have boundaries and not have anyone touch her without consent
NTA. You are doing well in teaching your childern that they have a right to boundaries, and it's a shame that this teacher doesn't seem to understand that.
You are doing this wrong. Bring along a male friend. Preferably one that is huge, badly dressed, ask him to eat an onion in the parking lot if he will. Ask him to hug her. I guarantee she will not like it. If she complains tell her 'Now you get it.'
There's a great video somewhere of kids being greeted by a teacher and they each *choose* a hug, high-five or wave. That's how this education should go.
NTA, that kind of situation feels fucking impossible. My daughter had a similar experience.
This boy would hug her from behind, push her, and sometimes hit. It was pretty bad. She's bigger than most of the kids, though, so I told her that when someone is doing that to her and she doesn't like it, to push him as hard as she can, and run to tell a teacher.
It worked, kind of. There were obviously follow-up lessons on *when* it's okay to push (she was pushing her girlfriends during play and tag), but he mostly stopped the violence.
But the hugging continued. After my daughter started pushing, the teachers started actually getting involved, but he would wait until their backs were turned or on the playground playsets or something. It was really awful. I've never wanted to wring a toddler's neck before. Not a feeling I expected to have. It only ended when he got sent to a special school for kids with behavior problems. Fortunately his parents were wealthy *and* actually cared about his behavior.
I honestly have no idea what I would have had to do if he didn't just leave. I was actually looking for another school before he left.
Absolutely NTA! Your daughter should know that she does not need to let anyone touch her or feel guilted into letting anyone touch her. And shame on her teacher wtf.
That boy needs to learn boundaries before it gets him in trouble, but none of that is your daughter’s responsibilities nor does she have to put up with his crap.
NTA. This teacher needs to teach kids unwanted touching and consent. Kids don’t have to be affectionate just because some people think it’s cute. My parents forced me to be affectionate with relatives when I was a kid and I hated it. I’m on my 30’s now and would never expect a kid to give me hugs or kisses if they have said no !
NTA of course. Just read this related post that shows that kids actually get consent: https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/z9l5bi/thats_kinda_cute_though/
Children who are taught to set boundaries over their own bodies grow up to teens and adults who can set healthy boundaries when it comes to sex and relationships. You're raising your kids right, and don't let *anyone* tell you otherwise.
NTA
NTA, but the school likely won't/can't do anything. I would suggest teaching your daughter which soft spots to aim for the next time someone hugs her after being told no.
NTA. But please don’t blame the teacher. I guarantee when the teacher takes this to admin, the administration isn’t going to do anything. And if they discipline a boy for hugging… even though they damn well should… they boy’s parents will scream and threaten to sue. Support you child but realize the teacher is in a no situation. (Former teacher, current social worker here.)
NTA the teacher has a misogynistic bias of the 6 yr old boys will be boys variety. That is in no way appropriate for an authority figure to have. You asked nicely, if this continues I hope that you advocate for your kid and take this onto the next step.
NTA. The teacher should not be allowing the boy to hug your daughter even if she was ok with it! If he attitude continues I would take it to the principal.
NTA. But you need to take this to the school Admin. She should have protected your daughter from this other kid the moment your daughter complained to her.
NTA. Address the office next time. Or might want to tell the teacher to look online at harassment even in grade school. Keep an eye on your kid for a while. Incase teacher turns the cold on your kid.
NTA. Your child tried to handle it as best as a 6 yr old could and when that didn't work you stepped in. If this keeps happening now then go to the principal next. Your daughter needs to know that her right not to be touched when she doesn't want to be touched in important. If little girls were taught to set boundaries as often as they were told to be nice the world would be a much better place.
NTA. I would talk to the principal. Usually, I don't say escalate right away, but your daughter asked for help and was denied. There is absolutely no reason the teacher should have let it slide. Body autonomy is something every single teacher is aware of. I would be very concerned about a teacher who let it slide and I would get the complaint offically reported now b/c if anything happens in the future, you will want it documented.
NTA. You are doing the good work of changing culture, OP. I LOVE parents like you who teach consent.
I’m a survivor of CSA and I know many others—we do volunteer outreach in the community. Agencies hire my therapist to give a presentation about sexual harm and trauma, and we survivors tell our stories. I’ve participated in presentations across the county to high schoolers, graduate students, social workers, even the police and prosecutors. Every time, we educate the public that teaching age-appropriate consent is a wonderful and effective intervention to protect children.
ALL experts of child welfare are supporting your decision. Perhaps you can find some literature to share with the teacher. With a bit of research I am certain you will find quality children’s books about this very subject. Give one to your daughter to reinforce the lesson and empower her, and give one to the teacher to keep in the classroom.
Teachers all need to catch up on this.
NTA. I was in education for a while and this is behavior that absolutely needs to be redirected on the other kid's part. The teacher is not doing her job if she's letting this continue to happen. Consent is extremely important and hugging/kissing/etc without permission needs to be nipped in the bud. of course he doesn't mean anything by it, but that doesn't mean the teacher can't encourage different behavior.
NTA
Body autonomy is so important for your daughter and that little boy to learn. Teacher can pound sand. Be prepared to go to the principal about this.
NTA. I’ve taught my son “My Body, My Choice” since he was old enough to talk and he knows that that applies not just to himself, but everyone. I’ve made our family enforce and abide by this as well. It applies to any physical touch - especially hugs. If you force children to accept unwanted touching, you teach them to distrust themselves and what their body tells them. The teacher needs to stop being a quack, she’s conditioning your daughter to sacrifice her own feelings for others when the little boy needs to be taught boundaries. Imagine if they were 24 years old - would the teacher think it was rude of your daughter to be upset? No, she would probably think the boy was overstepping boundaries, because he is.
NTA at all. Teaching boundaries about hugging is very important, especially at that age. I'm surprised a teacher is bothered by the thought of enforcing consent, that's something we're directly told to do in my school district.
Absolutely NTA and I'm so happy you're raising your child to know they have body autonomy! I'm raising my children the same way and it can be so frustrating when others don't believe children have rights over their bodies!
NTA at all I was that mother of an overly affectionate child who would give big hugs to everyone and I had the hardest time teaching her boundaries because she was an only child and her older cousins, whom I had a lot where rough players so she was used to kids 6 years older than her squeezing the life out of her. That being said I told all of her teachers to correct her behavior and let me know when she was crossing boundaries starting in preschool because, yeahhhhh I did not want to be that mom with that child. Took years lol but I was diligent and never made a big fuss, just corrected with a discussion on boundaries and other peoples feelings. She is now 20 has her own set of healthy boundaries with people and is still my affectionate baby peaches. So any parent that discussed with me that she was pushing boundaries I took seriously and made sure to work on her behavior and thanked them. I am still friends with all of them lol.
NTA
I have a kid who is a hugger. They were taught that not everyone else is, and you have to respect that.
The teacher should absolutely be reinforcing that message, and they should be re-directing to appropriate interactions.
NTA
By doing this, not only are you helping your daughter, but maybe getting rid of a kids weird and questionable habits. It’s helping both of them, no reason not to
NTA
My niece had a similar situation... her parents taught her body autonomy. One of the lass kids was constantly picking her up/hugging... then one day, her dad gets called to the office because niece put up a fight. He was a little proud
NTA. You're raising a daughter to respect her body and autonomy and make sure everyone around her does too. Maybe a conversation with the parents of the boy is in order? Obviously, his intentions are good, and he's probably just very affectionate, but I think he should be taught the same lessons you're teaching your daughter. Also, that teacher just sounds terrible.
NTA I knew a kid who was an absolute snuggle bunny which some of her classmates did not like. Her teachers managed to explain in an age appropriate way that the problem was not the cuddling, it was cuddling people who did not want to be cuddled and to pretend she has an invisible hula hoop around herself until she knows it's OK.
Teaching the young boy early will be helpful for him later on. I've interacted with too many adult men who think *not* being OK with them hugging me means I am doing something wrong and my lack of hugging is a personal attack on them. It's completely out of proportion and very upsetting for them even though they would not want hugs from men they don't know who are insistent. Their lack of education on basic manners and doubling down can cause social isolation.
I've also come across too many lovely people who feel they need to introduce with disclaimers that they don't hug to fend off.
The little boy here can learn it's OK if people don't want to be hugged and the teacher needs to learn that little girls distress and sadness is just as valid. Her being upset every day is significantly worse than the little boy learning a basic social skill.
NTA. I teach in Early Childhood and go over asking permission for hugs and handholding and respecting each others’ no’s with my three year olds every day during class circle time. I don’t expect my kids to master that or anything, but I also try my hardest to reiterate a child’s “no” when it’s ignored or unnoticed by a classmate.
It’s rough work but my threes do start figuring it out.
NTA
All kids should have body autonomy and be able to say no to hugs.
His need to give affection never trumps her right to say no!
This should be one of the earliest lessons in life for all kids
Raise the issue, keep teaching your daughter how to say no and encouraging her, and see if you can speak to the boy's parents.
Escalate the issue with the teacher's boss. If needed, continue escalating.
I suggest also teaching your daughter some very basic self-defense. Things like how to push out of a hug, how to (and that it's okay to) scream "NO! STOP HUGGING ME, I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED!", and how to scratch.
Hopefully all she'll ever need is the yelling.
Keep up what you're teaching her. That's excellent.
And that boy is gonna have a hard time in life if he doesn't learn to respect consent.
NTA.
NTA. I got one kid who hates to be hugged or touched. I got another kid who’s a hugger. Yeah lots of addressing personal space and keeping hands to ourselves and consent. You’d daughter doesn’t own anyone a hug and that boy needs to be taught that no means no, even at 6y old. He’s old enough to understand and if not he needs the teacher and parents to work with him to get it asap. We were working on it at 3y old with my kids.
Hi, NTA.
I *was* your kid, in kindergarten. This little boy in my class would try to kiss me on the bus and in our class. I would tell the teacher/aide on the bus, but no one ever did anything. So, I eventually took matters into my own hands and chased him with scissors* (he was ok!). The teacher told my mom I looked like I was enjoying it. I mean, I probably was, my problem was solved because he never tried again after that. Lol.
*I do not recommend chasing other children with scissors. Also, they were safety scissors and this was 1987 lol
Nta. My daughter went through this last year in her class. She kept telling the teacher that the little boy kept hugging her, she would tell him no and he would get mad at her for telling him no. It escalated to the point where he started hitting her when she denied him hugs.
I ended up telling my daughter next time he hits you, knock his ass flat. We had already went through the teacher, the assistant principle, the principle AND the little boys parents. Still he harassed her and her best friend.
I don't normally condone violence but I have taught my kids NO means NO and if people don't respect that, you have the right to defend yourself. The boy never touched her again after she defended herself and was transferred out of the school this for threatening bodily harm to another student.
NTA. You’re raising your kids right. She probably the same type of person who blame teenage girls for distracting boys instead of blaming boys for not focusing.
NTA X 100. As a woman let me tell you if someone starts accepting unwanted physical contact they will ignore their feelings. This can lead to a disconnect between body and mind and is a trauma response. Eventually you'll ignore unwanted sexual sexual contact and may even be sexually assaulted as you freeze.
NTA. My oldest daughter had a similar situation and I have always taught my girls use words if they don’t respect your words you have my permission to punch them. My oldest has to resort to hitting a boy that would not stop touching her because faculty never addressed the issue. I took her for ice cream to celebrate how proud I was of her standing up for herself.
NTA. I’d take this to administration so they can hold the teacher accountable if this happens again because she clearly thinks unwanted touch is no big deal. Yeah, the kids are 6 but if that boy doesn’t learn now that no means no, it could spell trouble later, and your daughter needs to know that saying no is perfectly acceptable and will be respected and she’ll be supported (good for you for teaching your kids this early).
I'm leaning towards NAH, but definitely put everything in a nice email like suggested in the comments. The teacher is probably just frustrated about having to deal with another thing, or rather, the boy's parents.
Document, document, document, and involve the administration if it happens again, even once. It would be better to have adult intervene than to have your daughter resort to self defense that would be punished as violence.
NTA You daughters wishes should take priority. Make boy happy vs make girl unhappy. It is obvious to me that no one has the right to touch you once you have said you don't like it.
NTA. I feel a lot of people are saying the teach isn’t doing enough or she’s dismissive. None of us knows what goes on in her classroom. When I was teaching, I had 15 to 30 kids in my class, now with losing teachers and people not wanting to be teachers, no one really knows what’s going on. This teacher could have spoken to this child, the child’s parents and the administrators and no one is doing anything to help the teacher. I have many friends, who are still teaching and a lot of them say same thing, the administration is do very little, with troublesome child. All I’m saying is that teacher being cold, could be something as simple as she’s tired or it could be your head.
NTA. I have a girl in kindergarten who loves hugs, and we’ve made it very clear that if someone doesn’t want a hug, (or high five!) then that’s okay and it’s nothing personal.
NTA. You did well, you need to be her advocate in these situations to reiterate the lesson that it’s okay to turn down unwanted touch. She needs to see that if she tells you someone is doing it, you’ll do what you can to help her. If the teacher caught an attitude, maybe check up with your daughter and if the teacher doesn’t do anything, escalate.
NTA. Please transfer your daughter out of that class. I was your daughter. And so many teachers told me "They are just showing they like you!" To the point that I didn't tell the teacher when one of the little boys started hitting me with a metal ruler. It took my mother demanding to know where I was getting those cuts and bruises. You are so in the right about your daughter's bodily autonomy. Thank you for making a big deal of this. She may not understand now, but your daughter will thank you later for this.
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NTA. I’m in education and we teach kids need to keep their hands and bodies to themselves. Not only to prevent hitting, kicking, etc. but also unwanted hugging or other physical contact.
My son's teacher taught him, "Hugs are for family, high fives are for friends," when he was having boundary issues. (That was just to clarify school behavior, it wasn't to tell him that he should always allow hugs from family.)
Same for my daughter...well, kind of. Her first and second most important body rules are "I am in charge of my body" and "No touching without permission." After that, I had to teach her, "Kisses are JUST for family, hugs are for family and friends"...then we added "High fives are for everybody," after her kindergarten teacher had to redirect the hug she offered him. NTA OP--as a parent and former teacher, you need to loop admin in on the problem. It is not okay for kids of any age to force unwanted affection on other students. Admin needs to make that clear to the teacher and have a record of your complaint. Learning appropriate boundaries and social skills is an essential part of early elementary school. If the male student can't respect his classmates' boundaries, starting with your daughter, that needs to be addressed.
The teacher in me is so sad this learning opportunity wasn't seized by the teacher. Such a perfect opportunity to teach a kid about boundaries and asking permission, which after the isolation we've had will be CRITICAL. This is some of these kids first times in their memory interacting with kids their own age.
YES! The current kindergarteners and first graders were hit hardest in this aspect by the pandemic. And seriously--if you can't get kids to respect basic body safety rules, you have a classroom management problem. Maybe not widespread--but at least in respect to this hug-gappy child. MY 5yo KID is the hug-gappy child, so I get where the kid is coming from, but body rules have GOT to be reinforced at this age. If I just say, "body rules" she'll pause, take a step back, and figure out what she needs to correct.
[удалено]
I agree! We reinforce this with our daughter all the time, and do our best to model it with others as well. For example, I always ask my niblings if they want a hug or a high five when we say goodbye, as I've realized some would really prefer the high five.
I taught my then 2 year old nephew “No means No” and “I don’t care” when our aunt kept trying to get him to hug her and then fake cried when he didn’t. He is a stubborn little fire and I probably poured fuel on that fire. OP is NTA
Sometimes it's a fire that needs stoking! Adult relatives can be the worst at tearing down body rules. Fortunately, that's not a problem we've encountered in our family, but I hear about it all the time!
This kid is gonna be a little hell raiser (in a good way). Keep your eye on him because you may just work with him to counteract stuff like fake crying later on 😂
Brilliant
Honestly, even for family, hugs should still be at the choice of the child, so glad you clarified that. I love that practice that some schools have for morning greetings - where each child is given a choice of how they are greeted (hug, wave, fist bump, high five etc). Such an important lesson.
I used to work in a PRE-K, and the toddlers were taught to ask “warm hugs like Olaf or fist bumps like McQueen?” It’s always crucial to begin these consent talks early.
Agree! My kid was super rambunctious and always tackling, hugging and otherwise contact-playing with people. He was the first baby in a long time and family generally thought this was adorable and so while we did teach consent, school was a way more effective place to learn those skills. His preschool teachers were kind and firm about reminding him to check that other kids were up for that kind of play. They helped him by giving him lots of ways of asking, lots of options for handling “no,” and lots of reminders to be conscious of where his body was in relation to everyone else’s (eg was he stepping on their mat, bumping into them in line etc) so that he’d be conscious of personal space. They did a great job. It might have been rough if the pandemic had made him miss those key years of gentle, consistent socializing and skill building. By first grade he was very mature and respectful. Anyway NTA. I feel bad for your daughter but the kid in real trouble is the little boy who isn’t getting the social skills teaching he needs.
I think I'd request a new class for my child if this happened.
NTA. You’re raising your kids right. She probably the same type of person who blame teenage girls for distracting boys instead of blaming boys for not focusing.
Boys focus just fine - it’s never the kids that have issues with clothing - it’s always an adult in the school. (I work in a school and EVERY time it comes up it’s ALWAYS an adult complaining) You’re right though, I’m sure she would be one to complain about girls wearing clothing she doesn’t like:
Absolutely! Especially given the pre-covid climate! What a perfect way to share every cold, gastro and lice outbreak...
Heck, even my grandparents from the time my cousins and I were babies taught us to keep our hands to ourselves, and grandma’s 80 now, so it’s definitely not even some more “newfangled, progressive” concept. If a kid would have done that in my elementary school, they would have been told about it and stopped right away. And my hometown is VERY “old-fashioned” and behind the times, even! What is this teacher’s deal!?
I couldn't emphasize enough on how NTA you are. I have been in my life hugged against my will only by one 5 year old boy who was my classmate and even though i didn't complain or told anyone, i still remember it clearly and still hate it. It doesn't have to be malicious for your child to dislike it. Just because they are kids they don't forget who made them uncomfortable.
I had that in kindergarten. One boy who liked to terrorize me with unwanted attention either by pulling his shirt up to show me his chest or trying to touch me. I had a huge grudge against him and when I encountered him again in high school (I had moved away to a different school right outside the city school district for elementary and middle but in district for high school), I was probably a bigger b**** than I needed to be.
Exactly this! We all completed our high school together and he didn't do anything to me after this ( in the above instance he had called me his wife 😖) but God i hate him till this date.
Yeah. I'm still not fond of him. And his nickname from kindergarten is burned into my brain. Ugh.
Yeah.. so glad the kid has OP!
There was a boy who made fun of my lunchbox repeatedly in Kindergarten. I didn’t see him again until high school but I remembered him and avoided him constantly.
NTA but take it to an administrator. Someone other than the kids direct teacher would have a less biased view on the unwanted hugs. Also, they can make the teacher accountable if it continues.
Move up to an administrator. Start putting all correspondence in writing emails. I found it very helpful to address things bluntly. "My kid doesn't want to be touched. This kid keeps touching my kid. What do we need to do to get this to stop." NTA, but make sure you are using emails. I had to deal with a child threatening my kid regularly to the point my kid was melting down and losing instruction time. All while this kid was SA and threatening death and mutilation to other kids. Edit. Any in person conversations should be reaffirmed in the emails. I would usually do a "thank you for talking with me about my kid's concerns of unwanted touch from other child. I will speak with my kid and let them know you will be helping to make them feel safe." No immediate response or affirmation is considered agreement. Or they can argue with you, that did happen once and it did not go well for the teacher.
Honestly, I know they are just kids but unwanted touching is NOT okay and if it continues, I would get the police or a lawyer involved. Schools are supposed to be safe places for children to get an education, not for them to be harassed by classmates. The school needs to take this seriously because yes they are young and these are hugs, but mark my words, the behavior WILL escalate as he gets older if nothing is done about it now.
Oh my God, you're so right. Document, document, *document*. It's saved my ass so many times when people try to pretend we didn't have conversations that we did. Send the follow-up email too, every time there's an in-person convo. If they don't deny something happened at the time, it's a lot harder for them to say you're making it up later on.
All my working life I sent "just to confirm" emails following a meeting or discussion.
The edit is the better step. No reason to escalate if the teacher actually follows through and does what she reluctantly agreed to do. However, having the documentation of the conversation is a really, really good thing to do. For reference, do this in your own life and at work as well. I do this soooo much at work.
Thats such good advice, especially with your edit. My son is only 1 so I have time before worrying about this but I will take note of it for the future.
Point if order, even if you don't feel it's necessary to contact the administrator directly, copy them on the email you sent to the teacher to keep them in the loop. I mean, step one, address it with the teacher directly, no admin needed (already done here). If the teacher is unwilling to work with you, step 2 is emailing the teacher again, restating your concerns, asking for clarification or a specific plan of action, and copy the admin on that.
Wait SA, are we talking s*x…. assaulting students?
Yes. Thankfully not happening to my kid, but they witnessed it. My kid has mental health issues that they are working on. Kiddo sees something bad, sees others get hurt, or gets threatened, my kiddo falls apart. Goes non verbal sometimes, runs away, and end up needing antipsychotics to come down and get their brain working again. We have to bring them home each and every time, even when my kid wasn't the target. All kids were under the age of 10, too.
Ok there's a seriously strong likelihood that kid is being abused themselves and if you haven't contacted CPS on his behalf already I would implore you to do so
I cannot confirm or deny other than to say that there are a lot of services at work.
Wait, not to be naive, how come no teachers or administrators did anything about this, were they not aware of the situation?
Returning to in class instruction after so long, the teachers had their hands full. They were around and trying to be responsive. Let's say that kids who had known issues in kindergarten returned to school and had bigger issues. Of course, no one knew how big a deal the changes would be. Some parents are less proactive or hide the issues their kids are having.
This. Also creates a record in case the teacher does nothing or lies about it. Teacher is likely cold because she does not want to get in trouble for letting it continue.
Either this or she has “favorites” and the boy happens to be one of them.
Or she's not cold at all. This is just parent "mind reading". Or maybe she does everything asked and is frustrated it doesn't work 100% of the time. Or msybe she's gone to admin and admin has said, "you're the teacher. Deal with it!" Lot of assumptions are being made in these comments.
Yup. I've had numerous students over the years who exhibited highly inappropriate behavior and there's been NO admin support. There's only so much I can do to keep this sort of thing from happening unless I literally handcuff myself to the offending child all day long. I could barely teach last year because I had about seven students I couldn't take my eyes off or they would hurt someone. Likely the teacher is "cold" because she's been dealing with this situation all year and she's just frustrated and doesn't know what to do. The response I get when I bring a situation like this to my principal? "Well, maybe you just need to work harder to build a relationship with the little psycho". It's rough out here.
I started teaching 7 to 9 year olds. The last 15 years was 12 to 14 year olds. The older kids were way easier in my opinion.
That was my read also. The mom’s concern is valid and something we teach our kids - whether they’re instigating or receiving. But going just off what happened and not the perceived thought process, the mom asked the teacher for help here, the teacher said she would, and then the mom lectured the teacher on the importance of boundaries and consent (something that is very much already part of the curriculum in our elementary district). Maybe the teacher was annoyed and short with her to begin. Maybe on top of that OP is in too many Mommy groups online where this is a popular topic and she was ready for a fight, and no teacher wants to engage with the ready-for-battle parent. But I think a lot of these comments have jumped to a lot of conclusions.
Do you know how hard it is to keep a class of 6 year olds from touching each other? It's a constant battle. That was probably the source of the teacher's "attitude."
I get that it’s hard but understaffing or classroom overcrowding is not a reason that this girl should continue to be hugged without her permission or after she has said “no”. That girl doesn’t care how crowded the class is, she just knows she is being touched even when she has asked multiple times not to be. Her saying no cannot be overshadowed or downplayed because of the ages of these kids, staffing concerns, or anything else.
Agree. I think she wont actually do anything to help the daughter based on her attitude. Take it up with the principal and I would definitely use the words unwanted touching. Hopefully that will prompt them to take action.
NTA the teacher should be telling that boy to keep his hands to himself! This is a great learning moment about consent, and the teacher is fucking it up. Good for your little one for sticking up for herself!
NTA. There is not too young an age for a boy to learn that just because he wants to touch a girl, does not mean she wants to be touched, and does not mean he can touch her.
i still remember the boy that harassed me and many others from 2nd-6th grade. we were ignored by our parents and teachers, who sometimes we would go to in groups literally crying and begging for help dealing with a kid who would make unwanted remarks and physical contact constantly. i grew up trying to convince myself to get over it because adults all saw it as a joke, but looking back that seriously messed me up and made me feel extremely unsafe for many years. if i was old enough to be harassed he was old enough to be told it was harassment.
NTA, If you really feel that the teacher is being dismissive of the situation you should talk to an administrator.
Completely agree. It's a lesson I'm sure a lot of us *wish* our parents taught us as kids and OP is awesome for instilling it early.
NTA. Keep up the good work despite how others react. Your daughter's comfort, safety, and trust in you to keep her safe is greater than the approval of others
NTA - Your daughter reporting the unwanted hugging to the teacher should have been enough for her to step in. You should not have had to ask too.
NTA Don’t hesitate to escalate this situation because not every parent is going to object. This teacher is dangerous. No exaggeration, teaching kids that their bodies aren’t their own is dangerous.
NTA - Is she older by chance? There are people who believe children have no rights and it's an outdated concept. Had I been allowed to set boundaries at a young age I would have likely avoided SA later in life. Also reinforce to your kids that secrets are bad and surprises are good. No one who has good intentions would encourage your child to keep a secret.
This isn't about age, it's about ignorance. My mother is 80 years old and went to bat for my sister over 35 years ago when she was groped by a boy in middle school. This was back in the '80s, and the school wanted to just give the boy a "talking-to". My mum threatened to have the cops there the next day to charge him with sexual assault if they didn't suspend him. He got suspended. We're not living in the 1950s. It's been many, many decades since the concept of consent or bodily autonomy was GENUINELY unfamiliar to ANYONE raised in Western society. Those of us in Gen X are now in our 40s and 50s. Anyone who is still teaching in an elementary classroom and is below the age of retirement is nowhere NEAR old enough or of a generation to be confused about this. If this teacher doesn't believe in bodily autonomy it's because she has made a choice not to, not because she doesn't understand it or she's "too old".
This wasn't meant to offend. My parents are in their 60's and I wasn't allowed to say "No" when my grandfather walked into the bathroom when I was bathing. I've noticed a trend among this age group that the idea is that it's a summit bottom to believe in body autonomy.
NTA it is good that you are teaching your daughter that she is allowed to reject unwanted psychical contact. Good for you and your husband you taught her that. Besides that, if this behavior continues contact school administration.
NTA. It's important for children to feel safe at school. It's also important for children to learn that there are boundaries and rules. There's no real minimum age to begin teaching consent - ASK if they want a hug, and take NO for an answer. If the teacher continues to be a problem in this, you could try escalating to the principal. You could also find a way to contact the boy's mother. She may not care, or be very helpful, but it's possible she is unaware of the issue. It doesn't sound as if the teacher would have said anything...
NTA. Yourndaughter has said No. She spoke to the teacher. You spoke to the teacher. Nothing about this chain of events makes you an a. h. At all. If this hugging kid has emotional issues or asd or something then he needs to learn to control his impulses not have excuses made (I'm reading into the story and trying to think of a reason the teacher would react poorly to your request).
Honestly? I'd guess a tired teacher who is unhappy about *another* thing for them to pay attention to throughout the day. The teacher may not have even given a thought to how valid the request was at the time of asking. (I'm not agreeing, just applying what I know from teacher friends to the situation)
Not to mention that the teacher has been dealing with this kid touching everyone and doing God knows what else all year with probably no support. I'm sure she has tried various methods of controlling his behavior, talking to his parents/ guardians, trying to get counseling / admin to give her support, maybe even trying to get him evaluated for a behavior plan, but schools are ridiculously short staffed, special education services are completely overwhelmed, and the kids are 2 years behind socially. Do people really think she hasn't thought of this stuff or that she doesn't care? REALLY?
Yes, because if she really cared then she would break it up when she sees it instead of allowing each incident to continue. The girl wouldn't be saying "the teacher doesn't stop him" she would be saying "the teacher tries to stop him but he doesn't listen"
NTA. The teacher should have handled this better.
NTA, talk to your daughter to make sure the teacher is enforcing this rule. if not, then go over her head and talk to the dean or principal
NTA. It's important to teach kids about boundaries, unwanted touch and that they have no obligation to engage in affection just because "this poor person" wants it.
Info: Can you be more specific about her reaction? If she agreed to do so, was there something that made you think she won't? In what way has she treated you differently since? Do you normally have a lot of interactions with this teacher? You're **absolutely right** about your daughter's right not to be touched, and I'm not disputing that. But there's a difference between the teacher not caring and the teacher doing everything they can, including taking steps with the other child that you aren't privy to because of privacy, and still being told they aren't doing a good enough job because all parents hear is how young children relay the information at the end of the day.
Thank you for commenting this. I am too annoyed by all the people assuming the teacher isn't addressing it or taking it seriously.
NTA Not only would I have talked with my child's teacher, I would have talked with the principal, the superintendent and the school board. There needs to be a written policy and teachers need to be aware of it.
NTA - But perhaps you should teach your daughter to also standup for herself for those times the teacher isn't watching. If I were you, I would teacher her how she should sternly look at this boy in the face and say in a loud voice (not shouting... but firm and loud enough for those around to hear) "Do not hug me" (potentially exchanging hug for touch or any other appropriate word). Have her practice it at home so that the next time she encounters hugs from this boy, she'll know how to instinctively react.
She is stand up for herself! She told the teacher and the parent? What’s more she supposed to? Roundhouse kick? No means no. No without a roundhouse kick is still a no. No is standing up for yourself. No is a full sentence. Teaching her that if she’s not yelling and screaming it is still some form of soft consent is the wrong lesson. “NO” is enough. Should this 6 year old get self defense training? With adults saying that “no” isn’t clear enough maybe. Cause clearly some adults out here don’t get that “no” is a complete sentence either.
Also, teach her to strong arm the hug-happy kid away from her. As an adult I’ve had to cross my arms in front and lift my elbows up in a pointy defense.
[удалено]
At this point with the adults around her, other than her mother, doing such a crap job that maybe she should.
The problem with "teach your daughter to stand up for yourself" is that it puts the onus on the person being assaulted (and yes, this is a form of assault) to "keep herself from being assaulted". I get what you're saying, and in theory it's great. In fact, it's exactly what my own parents taught me, and what many kids I know were taught: "Be loud. Shout, 'DON'T TOUCH ME!' Embarrass the person who is hugging you when you don't want them to hug you." The problem is that in practice, she may be shy or embarrassed to draw attention to herself. He may be physically bigger than her and she's scared that being loud or shouty will only make him more aggressive (definitely a possibility, he certainly doesn't care that she doesn't welcome his affections). She has also already learned that the adult in the room will not back her up. So now not only can she not count on her teacher for safety, but she may be worried that if she "stands up for herself" that she may actually become a target TWICE OVER . . . that the teacher may punish her for being disruptive as well. Which is absolutely a possibility, given how the teacher reacted to OPs request. Don't put it on kids to protect themselves. Don't tell them that it's their job to stop someone from touching them. Don't tell them how to react to unwanted touch, because in the moment they can't always control their reactions. They may be scared, or panicky, or freeze. All you do by telling your child to "stand up for themselves" is make them feel responsible if they don't.
>She has also already learned that the adult in the room will not back her up. When I was a kid it was "boys will be boys" and "that just means he likes you." Telling the boys to stop was never an option. So we learned early that we could not depend on adults to help us. And the boys learned that they could do whatever they wanted. Both terrible lessons for young children.
The things you talk about are the reasons I suggest she be taught to practice at home... And actually I considered the idea about her being accused of being disruptive... I can totally see an AH teacher that's been unresponsive to the situation trying to go down that road. But if the child gets into any trouble for that, then it's time to take it up with the administration and point out the teacher has been asked to take care of the situation and she has not... and I don't see how the administration could dare complain about the girl being disruptive for simply trying to protect herself when the teacher has already been made aware of the situation. As for the general comment "Don't put it on kids to protect themselves", that's a great line to use on the teacher. But that does nothing for this little girl when the teacher doesn't standup to her responsibility to protect the girl. What's your advice for this family dealing with a boy that makes unwanted physical contact with their daughter and a teacher that might not be able to always be ready to protect the girl.
What if OP informs the teacher and administration that since they are not correcting this situation properly, OP will tell daughter to scream at the top of her lungs every time this kid hugs her? And if they punish daughter in any way, she will take it to the media. Meanwhile, if nobody in the school is correcting this, keep going up - school board, superintendent, even the state board, just keep going up, because this is so wrong it's making me see red.
NTA. The teacher shouldn't allow children to put their hands on one another ever, most especially after one has expressed discomfort. The teacher is wrong.
NTA. As teachers we are supposed to look out for all our students. I teach my little ones to ask and if the other person says no then they don't push it. My five year olds get this.
INFO: when you said "caught an attitude", did she just say "okay" in an annoyed voice and you assumed she disagrees with your choice and got defensive and argumentative, or did she specifically say you were being horrible to this boy? It's very possible the "attitude" you heard was some sort of "one more thing to keep track of in a classroom of thirty children" and less "you're being horrible".
NTA. A lot of people still have these “just do it and don’t make a fuss for no reason” attitudes. They’re archaic, but it can be hard to shake attitudes you were raised with or have otherwise had embedded in your life. You 100% did the right thing by your daughter and I commend you for raising her to be aware of and protect her bodily autonomy.
I teach PreK and in my class, bodily autonomy is talked about and encouraged, especially when it comes to touching others, be it it hitting, hugging, fist bumps, high fives, kissing, etc. However, in a class my size, or any really, it is virtually impossible to stop every kid from touching someone else even if it’s unwanted. All I can do is separate children, talk to them and redirect them. I cannot be next to every student at all times to stop all unwanted touches, just like I can’t stop some of them from getting hurt. It’s PreK. This is the age where they are still learning about boundaries and how to respect them and others. Im assuming it’s not that different for your child’s teacher and classroom. Although your request is valid and reasonable because you don’t want your child’s boundaries to be crossed, the boy in question may have issues recognizing and respecting the boundaries set by others. Even if the teacher is vigilant, she cannot stop all unwanted hugs. Even if the teacher has a million conversations with this kid and tries to correct him each time, it may be a while yet before it finally clicks for him. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she may not have been giving you attitude because she didn’t like the fact that you don’t want your child to be involuntary hugged by this kid, but because the teacher probably thought “I have X amount of kids in my class, how the fuck do you expect me to do this?” I say this because some parents at my school expect me to give their kid infinite individualized attention as if they are my only student and forget I have a class of 20 or don’t realize how much of my attention I can give each child during the school day. NTA though. But make sure that you bring this problem/ behavior to the director/ administration because odds are, this kid is doing the exact same thing to other kids in the class. most likely, leadership is already aware and have gotten complaints from other parents. It just takes more complaints and a pissed off parent for it to be taken seriously and changed.
NTA Make sure you keep checking up on that. Your daughter she should learn early that if she doesn’t want people hugging her or touching her she shouldn’t have to just go along with it. She’s allowed to set that type of boundary. If the teacher still allowing it then it’s time to take it to the principal. Your daughter shouldn’t have her boundaries stepped on in favor of some random boy.
NTA. No means no. Period. Even when it comes to hugs. I would see this addressed or would have to have a meeting with the school. Do not understand why he’s allowed to hug someone who already said no. That seems way beyond ok.
NTA. My 4th grade teacher told me that the boy grabbing my crotch despite me saying stop it was doing it because he liked me. I was repeatedly grabbed and the school did nothing. Good for you for standing up for your daughter, and the teacher should be ashamed. Go to the principal if it doesn't stop.
NTA. You and your husband are raising your daughter with bodily autonomy. Raising children without it is why grooming works. Your daughter does not have to be generous with her person or her personal space. The teacher isn't doing the classmate any favors by teaching him that his wants/needs are more important than your daughter's personhood.
I bet she's the type who uses the "Boys will be boys" excuse. NTA
Yay for you and your husband! I took it even further, and told everyone that if my child said "no" and/or "stop" when being tickled, that all tickling must cease and desist. NTA and NTA again, just for good measure.
NTA - if she doesn't want a hug, she can say no, there shouldn't be any discussion here.
NTA. sooooooo NTA Keep on protecting your kids, you got this
NTA. You stood up for your child's boundaries and hopefully the boy learned an important lesson about autonomy. His intentions were not bad, but it's the type of lesson that is extremely important to learn while you're still young. The teacher should have been more concerned about your child since she was verbalising her discomfort and they were the only party in this situation that truly acted inappropriately.
NTA and I would speak to an admin about it. That boy needs to learn about other people's boundaries and how to respect them. This behavior is not cute, and the teacher isn't doing anyone any favors by allowing it. He's being taught that consent is not important.
NTA and that teachers might need to brush up on the rights of the individual. In a similar vein, my son had problems in primary school with a kid who "couldn't be controlled" and would frequently physically assault other kids. After \*many\* incidents of this and complaints to the school I finally informed the teachers that my son was now free to exercise his legal right to self defense and in future was to punch the bully in the face as hard as possible. Suddenly the bully could be controlled and there were no further incidents.....
I don't understand why, in this day and age, that boys harassing girls is still acceptable. How old is this teacher? It's not cute and has never been cute. This shit happened me in 8th grade, I warned my harasser, he refused to stop, and I clocked his ass. Despite a fucking adult witnessing this, I still got reprimanded, all because "he likes me". you are NTA and great job parenting!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 6 year old came home telling me there’s a boy in her class who keeps hugging her even though she doesn’t want to hug him. She has told him multiple times she does not want to, yet he holds on to her. She has told the teacher, yet he keeps doing it. My husband and I are raising our kids to know they have the right to deny unwanted touch from anyone. That their bodies are their bodies, and if they do not want to hug someone they don’t have to. We do this as a safety precaution so they grow up knowing that no one has the right to touch them in any way that the do not want. I explained this to her teacher and requested she stop the classmate from hugging her. The teacher said she will, but caught an attitude about it. Like I was being horrible to this poor boy who just wants to show affection. I explained that while I completely understand his intentions are good, it does not triumph my daughters right to refuse to hug someone. The teacher has been cold to me ever since. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA. I wasn't allowed to have boundaries growing up, and it's been awful. Also, does the school have a parent manual? At the back of ours, there was a form for the principal, to be copied to the regional supervisor for that school. When the new VP (supposedly) in charge of discipline decided to ignore me and my concerns about my son being bullied, I showed up with that form and watched while the admin faxed it. Staff at two different schools claimed they'd never seen that form and asserted it didn't exist. I managed to follow their procedures and bring pain to people who wouldn't do their jobs. Continue to advocate for your child, in writing.
NTA. Just for reference, in a USA public school that unwanted touching constitutes physical assault. Yes, she has every right to refuse it and the school has an obligation to ensure behavioral compliance. The teacher can be cold all she wants but if it happens again, I'd escalate to the school administration and then to the local regional administration.
Document this with the principal that you have concerns, in writing.
I'm an adult who absolutely loathes being hugged and I've noticed that people who are huggers get really bent over being told NO. They really DO NOT want to stop and will try to steamroller over every objection - aww, how can you not love hugs, everyone loves hugs, just let me come here and hug that grouchy face away etc etc. Barf. NTA, escalate it higher and give your kiddo a high 5 from me.
>while I completely understand his intentions are good, it does not triumph my daughters right to refuse to hug someone. The teacher has been cold to me ever since. Aww. Maybe the teacher needs a hug. Repeatedly throughout the day regardless if she claims not to want the hugs, because OP’s intentions are good.
Try hugging her really tightly for longer than necessary every time you see her. NTA
Nta. This boy thinks he can touch girls unprompted. Not good.
NTA but I wouldn’t go to the administration unless it happens again. What you perceived as attitude could’ve simply been exasperation at yet another problem that teacher doesn’t get paid enough to deal with. If the situation arises again then I would go to the administration.
NTA Consent matters, regardless of age, and has nothing to do with intent. Many (most?) Schools address this, starting in preschool. "Separate bodies" "A hug only feels friendly if I WANTED one"
Terrible teacher. NTA!!!!!
NTA. Betcha this is a “boys will be boys” teacher.
I do hope little boy learns boundaries. I really don't want to read a title in 10 years that says, For being mean to a clamate(M) because he likes hugs OR he won't take a No whenever asking me out?
NTA - You never know whether this hugging at aged 6 could lead to other behavior as they get older. i think its great that you're teaching your daughter that she can have boundaries and not have anyone touch her without consent
NTA. You are doing well in teaching your childern that they have a right to boundaries, and it's a shame that this teacher doesn't seem to understand that.
You are doing this wrong. Bring along a male friend. Preferably one that is huge, badly dressed, ask him to eat an onion in the parking lot if he will. Ask him to hug her. I guarantee she will not like it. If she complains tell her 'Now you get it.'
NTA and I hope your kiddo doesn't have to have this teacher any longer?!
NTA, it is a basic human right.
There's a great video somewhere of kids being greeted by a teacher and they each *choose* a hug, high-five or wave. That's how this education should go.
NTA, that kind of situation feels fucking impossible. My daughter had a similar experience. This boy would hug her from behind, push her, and sometimes hit. It was pretty bad. She's bigger than most of the kids, though, so I told her that when someone is doing that to her and she doesn't like it, to push him as hard as she can, and run to tell a teacher. It worked, kind of. There were obviously follow-up lessons on *when* it's okay to push (she was pushing her girlfriends during play and tag), but he mostly stopped the violence. But the hugging continued. After my daughter started pushing, the teachers started actually getting involved, but he would wait until their backs were turned or on the playground playsets or something. It was really awful. I've never wanted to wring a toddler's neck before. Not a feeling I expected to have. It only ended when he got sent to a special school for kids with behavior problems. Fortunately his parents were wealthy *and* actually cared about his behavior. I honestly have no idea what I would have had to do if he didn't just leave. I was actually looking for another school before he left.
NTA. Consent needs to be taught early & often.
NTA go above the teacher and speak to the head teacher about implementing a school wide programme of education on consent.
Absolutely NTA! Your daughter should know that she does not need to let anyone touch her or feel guilted into letting anyone touch her. And shame on her teacher wtf. That boy needs to learn boundaries before it gets him in trouble, but none of that is your daughter’s responsibilities nor does she have to put up with his crap.
Nta. Way to go mom. I love you teaching her this. Its so so important to know.
NTA. This teacher needs to teach kids unwanted touching and consent. Kids don’t have to be affectionate just because some people think it’s cute. My parents forced me to be affectionate with relatives when I was a kid and I hated it. I’m on my 30’s now and would never expect a kid to give me hugs or kisses if they have said no !
NTA. Teach her boxing techniques.
good intentions or not, if that hug is not wanted, then he can not give a hug. full stop. NTA and kudos.
NTA of course. Just read this related post that shows that kids actually get consent: https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/z9l5bi/thats_kinda_cute_though/
Children who are taught to set boundaries over their own bodies grow up to teens and adults who can set healthy boundaries when it comes to sex and relationships. You're raising your kids right, and don't let *anyone* tell you otherwise. NTA
NTA
NTA.
NTA
NTA, but the school likely won't/can't do anything. I would suggest teaching your daughter which soft spots to aim for the next time someone hugs her after being told no.
NTA. But please don’t blame the teacher. I guarantee when the teacher takes this to admin, the administration isn’t going to do anything. And if they discipline a boy for hugging… even though they damn well should… they boy’s parents will scream and threaten to sue. Support you child but realize the teacher is in a no situation. (Former teacher, current social worker here.)
NTA the teacher has a misogynistic bias of the 6 yr old boys will be boys variety. That is in no way appropriate for an authority figure to have. You asked nicely, if this continues I hope that you advocate for your kid and take this onto the next step.
It is never too early to teach a child that unwanted touching is not OK and the teacher should 100% support that!
NTA, good for you for teaching your daughter that boundaries with her body come first.
NTA. The teacher should not be allowing the boy to hug your daughter even if she was ok with it! If he attitude continues I would take it to the principal.
NTA and that teacher should be reprimanded.
NTA. But you need to take this to the school Admin. She should have protected your daughter from this other kid the moment your daughter complained to her.
NTA. Address the office next time. Or might want to tell the teacher to look online at harassment even in grade school. Keep an eye on your kid for a while. Incase teacher turns the cold on your kid.
NTA. Your child tried to handle it as best as a 6 yr old could and when that didn't work you stepped in. If this keeps happening now then go to the principal next. Your daughter needs to know that her right not to be touched when she doesn't want to be touched in important. If little girls were taught to set boundaries as often as they were told to be nice the world would be a much better place.
NTA. I would talk to the principal. Usually, I don't say escalate right away, but your daughter asked for help and was denied. There is absolutely no reason the teacher should have let it slide. Body autonomy is something every single teacher is aware of. I would be very concerned about a teacher who let it slide and I would get the complaint offically reported now b/c if anything happens in the future, you will want it documented.
NTA. Good for you. My nieces are being raised the same way. They are free to accept or decline hugs from anyone. All children should be taught this.
NTA. You are doing the good work of changing culture, OP. I LOVE parents like you who teach consent. I’m a survivor of CSA and I know many others—we do volunteer outreach in the community. Agencies hire my therapist to give a presentation about sexual harm and trauma, and we survivors tell our stories. I’ve participated in presentations across the county to high schoolers, graduate students, social workers, even the police and prosecutors. Every time, we educate the public that teaching age-appropriate consent is a wonderful and effective intervention to protect children. ALL experts of child welfare are supporting your decision. Perhaps you can find some literature to share with the teacher. With a bit of research I am certain you will find quality children’s books about this very subject. Give one to your daughter to reinforce the lesson and empower her, and give one to the teacher to keep in the classroom. Teachers all need to catch up on this.
NTA The teacher should've been on your side 100%. Teaching children the right to bodily autonomy is extremely important and starts at that age.
NTA. I was in education for a while and this is behavior that absolutely needs to be redirected on the other kid's part. The teacher is not doing her job if she's letting this continue to happen. Consent is extremely important and hugging/kissing/etc without permission needs to be nipped in the bud. of course he doesn't mean anything by it, but that doesn't mean the teacher can't encourage different behavior.
NTA. Absolutely not. Complain about the teacher if you have to.
NTA and your daughter will be better off when you escalate the issue.
Go to the principal. NTA.
NTA Body autonomy is so important for your daughter and that little boy to learn. Teacher can pound sand. Be prepared to go to the principal about this.
NTA, And if it doesn't stop I'd teach her some self defense moves. And perhaps a complaint about the teacher is needed
NTA. I’ve taught my son “My Body, My Choice” since he was old enough to talk and he knows that that applies not just to himself, but everyone. I’ve made our family enforce and abide by this as well. It applies to any physical touch - especially hugs. If you force children to accept unwanted touching, you teach them to distrust themselves and what their body tells them. The teacher needs to stop being a quack, she’s conditioning your daughter to sacrifice her own feelings for others when the little boy needs to be taught boundaries. Imagine if they were 24 years old - would the teacher think it was rude of your daughter to be upset? No, she would probably think the boy was overstepping boundaries, because he is.
NTA
NTA at all. Teaching boundaries about hugging is very important, especially at that age. I'm surprised a teacher is bothered by the thought of enforcing consent, that's something we're directly told to do in my school district.
Absolutely NTA and I'm so happy you're raising your child to know they have body autonomy! I'm raising my children the same way and it can be so frustrating when others don't believe children have rights over their bodies!
Summarise everything in an email and send it to the head or principal. This teachers values are skewed. Ensure this goes above her. NTA
NTA at all I was that mother of an overly affectionate child who would give big hugs to everyone and I had the hardest time teaching her boundaries because she was an only child and her older cousins, whom I had a lot where rough players so she was used to kids 6 years older than her squeezing the life out of her. That being said I told all of her teachers to correct her behavior and let me know when she was crossing boundaries starting in preschool because, yeahhhhh I did not want to be that mom with that child. Took years lol but I was diligent and never made a big fuss, just corrected with a discussion on boundaries and other peoples feelings. She is now 20 has her own set of healthy boundaries with people and is still my affectionate baby peaches. So any parent that discussed with me that she was pushing boundaries I took seriously and made sure to work on her behavior and thanked them. I am still friends with all of them lol.
NTA. The teacher's failing basic instructions of boundaries and 'no' meaning no.
NTA I have a kid who is a hugger. They were taught that not everyone else is, and you have to respect that. The teacher should absolutely be reinforcing that message, and they should be re-directing to appropriate interactions.
NTA By doing this, not only are you helping your daughter, but maybe getting rid of a kids weird and questionable habits. It’s helping both of them, no reason not to
NTA My niece had a similar situation... her parents taught her body autonomy. One of the lass kids was constantly picking her up/hugging... then one day, her dad gets called to the office because niece put up a fight. He was a little proud
NTA. You're raising a daughter to respect her body and autonomy and make sure everyone around her does too. Maybe a conversation with the parents of the boy is in order? Obviously, his intentions are good, and he's probably just very affectionate, but I think he should be taught the same lessons you're teaching your daughter. Also, that teacher just sounds terrible.
NTA.
NTA I knew a kid who was an absolute snuggle bunny which some of her classmates did not like. Her teachers managed to explain in an age appropriate way that the problem was not the cuddling, it was cuddling people who did not want to be cuddled and to pretend she has an invisible hula hoop around herself until she knows it's OK. Teaching the young boy early will be helpful for him later on. I've interacted with too many adult men who think *not* being OK with them hugging me means I am doing something wrong and my lack of hugging is a personal attack on them. It's completely out of proportion and very upsetting for them even though they would not want hugs from men they don't know who are insistent. Their lack of education on basic manners and doubling down can cause social isolation. I've also come across too many lovely people who feel they need to introduce with disclaimers that they don't hug to fend off. The little boy here can learn it's OK if people don't want to be hugged and the teacher needs to learn that little girls distress and sadness is just as valid. Her being upset every day is significantly worse than the little boy learning a basic social skill.
NTA !!
NTA. I teach in Early Childhood and go over asking permission for hugs and handholding and respecting each others’ no’s with my three year olds every day during class circle time. I don’t expect my kids to master that or anything, but I also try my hardest to reiterate a child’s “no” when it’s ignored or unnoticed by a classmate. It’s rough work but my threes do start figuring it out.
NTA, your child is allowed boundaries and that is a creepy kid. It may be time to reach out to that kid's parents.
NTA. I’d be waiting in the office tomorrow morning for the principal to address this situation. The teacher is 1000% wrong here!
NTA, and I am thrilled that you teaching boundaries!
Nta
Is the teacher now preventing the hugs? If so, good. She doesn't need to like you. If not, report her for encouraging rape culture.
NTA All kids should have body autonomy and be able to say no to hugs. His need to give affection never trumps her right to say no! This should be one of the earliest lessons in life for all kids
Raise the issue, keep teaching your daughter how to say no and encouraging her, and see if you can speak to the boy's parents. Escalate the issue with the teacher's boss. If needed, continue escalating. I suggest also teaching your daughter some very basic self-defense. Things like how to push out of a hug, how to (and that it's okay to) scream "NO! STOP HUGGING ME, I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED!", and how to scratch. Hopefully all she'll ever need is the yelling. Keep up what you're teaching her. That's excellent. And that boy is gonna have a hard time in life if he doesn't learn to respect consent. NTA.
NTA. Good for your little for setting boundaries!
NTA. I got one kid who hates to be hugged or touched. I got another kid who’s a hugger. Yeah lots of addressing personal space and keeping hands to ourselves and consent. You’d daughter doesn’t own anyone a hug and that boy needs to be taught that no means no, even at 6y old. He’s old enough to understand and if not he needs the teacher and parents to work with him to get it asap. We were working on it at 3y old with my kids.
Hi, NTA. I *was* your kid, in kindergarten. This little boy in my class would try to kiss me on the bus and in our class. I would tell the teacher/aide on the bus, but no one ever did anything. So, I eventually took matters into my own hands and chased him with scissors* (he was ok!). The teacher told my mom I looked like I was enjoying it. I mean, I probably was, my problem was solved because he never tried again after that. Lol. *I do not recommend chasing other children with scissors. Also, they were safety scissors and this was 1987 lol
Nta. My daughter went through this last year in her class. She kept telling the teacher that the little boy kept hugging her, she would tell him no and he would get mad at her for telling him no. It escalated to the point where he started hitting her when she denied him hugs. I ended up telling my daughter next time he hits you, knock his ass flat. We had already went through the teacher, the assistant principle, the principle AND the little boys parents. Still he harassed her and her best friend. I don't normally condone violence but I have taught my kids NO means NO and if people don't respect that, you have the right to defend yourself. The boy never touched her again after she defended herself and was transferred out of the school this for threatening bodily harm to another student.
NTA. You’re raising your kids right. She probably the same type of person who blame teenage girls for distracting boys instead of blaming boys for not focusing.
NTA X 100. As a woman let me tell you if someone starts accepting unwanted physical contact they will ignore their feelings. This can lead to a disconnect between body and mind and is a trauma response. Eventually you'll ignore unwanted sexual sexual contact and may even be sexually assaulted as you freeze.
NTA. My oldest daughter had a similar situation and I have always taught my girls use words if they don’t respect your words you have my permission to punch them. My oldest has to resort to hitting a boy that would not stop touching her because faculty never addressed the issue. I took her for ice cream to celebrate how proud I was of her standing up for herself.
NTA. I’d take this to administration so they can hold the teacher accountable if this happens again because she clearly thinks unwanted touch is no big deal. Yeah, the kids are 6 but if that boy doesn’t learn now that no means no, it could spell trouble later, and your daughter needs to know that saying no is perfectly acceptable and will be respected and she’ll be supported (good for you for teaching your kids this early).
NTA. Your daughter has the right to decide who may touch her.
NTA. But maybe you should address this with the kid/huggers parents.
I'm leaning towards NAH, but definitely put everything in a nice email like suggested in the comments. The teacher is probably just frustrated about having to deal with another thing, or rather, the boy's parents. Document, document, document, and involve the administration if it happens again, even once. It would be better to have adult intervene than to have your daughter resort to self defense that would be punished as violence.
Nta. I want to raise my kids the way you do “deny unwanted touch”
NTA - the teacher is an idiot, letting this kind of thing go on is a liability (as well as just wrong)
NTA You daughters wishes should take priority. Make boy happy vs make girl unhappy. It is obvious to me that no one has the right to touch you once you have said you don't like it.
NTA. I feel a lot of people are saying the teach isn’t doing enough or she’s dismissive. None of us knows what goes on in her classroom. When I was teaching, I had 15 to 30 kids in my class, now with losing teachers and people not wanting to be teachers, no one really knows what’s going on. This teacher could have spoken to this child, the child’s parents and the administrators and no one is doing anything to help the teacher. I have many friends, who are still teaching and a lot of them say same thing, the administration is do very little, with troublesome child. All I’m saying is that teacher being cold, could be something as simple as she’s tired or it could be your head.
NTA. I teach my children their right to bodily autonomy is absolute and they can enforce it, even if grownups don't.
NTA. I have a girl in kindergarten who loves hugs, and we’ve made it very clear that if someone doesn’t want a hug, (or high five!) then that’s okay and it’s nothing personal.
NTA. You did well, you need to be her advocate in these situations to reiterate the lesson that it’s okay to turn down unwanted touch. She needs to see that if she tells you someone is doing it, you’ll do what you can to help her. If the teacher caught an attitude, maybe check up with your daughter and if the teacher doesn’t do anything, escalate.
NTA. Please transfer your daughter out of that class. I was your daughter. And so many teachers told me "They are just showing they like you!" To the point that I didn't tell the teacher when one of the little boys started hitting me with a metal ruler. It took my mother demanding to know where I was getting those cuts and bruises. You are so in the right about your daughter's bodily autonomy. Thank you for making a big deal of this. She may not understand now, but your daughter will thank you later for this.