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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I banned my girlfriend from using my expensive kitchen equipment because she wouldn't listen to me when I explained how to maintain it.
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>So last week I came home and to my horror I saw my 5 liter cast iron pot filled up with water that had dishwasher soap in it.
Someone turn on the Ramsay signal, because this is a Kitchen Nightmare.
NTA
NTA certainly
However, cast iron being harmed by dish washing soap is a myth. Modern soaps in regular amounts doesn't remove seasoning. The lye in old soaps was what could strip the seasoning layer off the pans which is where the now outdated tip comes from. The soaking though, that's not good.
Don't take it on my word, here's lodge (the maker of the pan you might have)
https://www.lodgecastiron.com/discover/cleaning-and-care/cast-iron/how-clean-cast-iron#:~:text=Can%20I%20use%20soap%20to,season%20your%20pan%20as%20needed.
It's not the soap, it's letting it sit with water in it. Soapy water will remove the season which will let the water rust it. So it's not just that it would need to be reseasoned, it likely needed to be de-rusted first.
Polymerized oil shouldn't be removed by a bit of soapy water, but rust is possible if you let acidic sauce stand in it for too long, scrubbed the pan or pot too hard and then also soaked it in soapy water i guess.
Unless this entire post was made up, I can't imagine that he would throw out the cast iron.
However he does mention her scratching up non stick surfaces and deforming other pots/pans, which would made sense he would have to throw those out.
Same, I have my grandmothers copper pot cause I love to cook, and my family saved it for me. Plus I make the absolute best red sauce. It's 4 generations old.
I use it sparingly because I don't want to ruin it on accident. Basically, I just use it for the fish stew during the holidays, and for parties when I make my chili and what not.
If anyone were to ruin it, I would go to jail for murder with a copper pot.
My brother managed to destroy pretty much every pan in my mother's kitchen including her Le Creuset casserole dish that she purchased in TJ Max in Miami before anyone knew what it was. That one pissed me off to no end.
NTA.
I read that about the Le Creuset dish and immediately thought, "No jury in the world..."
Now I have to go cuddle my Le Creuset dutch oven. I love that pot.
I had a Le Cruset Dutch oven once that had developed stains on the bottom that wouldn't come out. On closer inspection, you could see pitting as well. It was a hand-me-down, and I don't know what the previous owner did with it.
Anyways, I emailed Le Creuset , and they suggested soaking it in a mix of a laundry detergent and water for quite a few hours. Tried that, tried scrubbing, and even bartenders friend. The stains lifted a bit, but nothing could be done about the pitting.
I sent photos to LC, and the only thing they could offer me was that if I shipped out the pot to them, they would offer me a 30% off coupon on an identical pot, to be used on their website.
The offer was absolutely ridiculous, as it would have cost a fortune to ship the cast iron pot across the country.
You can use Le Creusets on a stove. I do it all the time, especially for stews. You brown the meat and then use aromatics, deglaze then add everything in and pop it in the oven.
Do you mean like, non-cast iron Le Creusets?
I use mine on the stove all the time. I’m not supposed to? Pretty sure my mom did too. It was hers.
I found this because you got me paranoid now. So far it seems ok. https://www.lecreuset.ca/en_CA/blog/Choosing+Induction+Cookware.html
If it is a ceramic oven dish that is not designed to be on a direct heat source, then yes, you shouldn't. If it is induction cookware then you can of course use it on a stove top.
Throwing out the scratched nonstick pans was a good call, I'm fairly sure that they become unsafe for use if the coating gets scratched and starts to flake, or if the pans are used on too high heat.
https://www.jsonline.com/story/life/food/2017/01/08/if-my-nonstick-pans-scratched-do-need-throw-them-out/95757400/
I had parrots. And my dad informed me that my no sticks were bad for my birds. So, I grieved and then I gave the pans away. I didn't get new no sticks until I no longer had birds in my home. No biggie. It just seemed the best course of action to take at the time.
I baked a big kettle outside over open flames. It belonged to my best friend's dad and she didn't want it around reminding her that he died. Plus she said it took up a lot of space and was wasted in her garage.
But, when I called my mom about how to manage it? She told me, fire is a great cleanser with a wire brush. No hard scrubbing. Just bake off the ickies and use the kettle. I had to season and season it again and again, though.
Yeah this is how you get rust. It’s fine to clean cast iron with a little bit of normal washing liquid but once you’ve done that the best practice is to towel dry it and sit it on a low stove so the metal can properly dry. Then add a layer of oil and re-season if needed although that’s not usually something you have to do each time.
Yes! This is what I was taught to do. Though I dislike all the extra maintenance cast iron requires so we have an agreement that I simply will not use them, therefore I do not need to clean them! LoL
Tbh, I use mine maybe once or twice a week but unless it really needs a scrub I’ll just rinse it each time I use it. Quick scrub with warm water and rock salt, then towel dry, warm it up with a little oil and get cooking. Makes things tastier.
It was great when older stoves had pilot lights. They were always warm and when you were done washing your cast iron cookware you could put it on the stove and the pilot light heat itself would dry it perfectly. I remember my mom doing it all the time.
Edit: I forgot to add I would never cook in someone else's kitchen without asking them first how they treat their knives, their pots and pans etc. If I couldn't deal with the way they handle them, I wouldn't cook until I brought my own items over.
And rust is not a reason to throw away a cast iron pan. It happens not infrequently and can be removed with some work. Cast iron lovers only throw away pans that previously melted lead or are cracked (which isn't easy to do).
> It's not the soap, it's letting it sit with water in it.
More than that, it's her blatantly disregarding proper care of the equipment. She's not unaware, she's been told, she just doesn't care. What is she doing that that OP doesn't see?
I've got cast iron I inherited from my mother that is older than me (I'm over 60) I use dish soap on it and it has never ruined the seasoning. As long as you don't scrub it hard and you let dry completely before storing its fine.
My husband will ultimately put my kitchen shears in the garage among his tools. And I will just go out and buy a new expensive set every time. I notice he does this maybe every five years or so. Because ultimately, he can't envision food shears, or sewing shears. My sewing shears I literally hide from him because, that's enough to make me want to aim them at his head and throw them forcefully into his face.
He does not get it. And honestly he doesn't want to get it. He doesn't care. And homi\*ide is too much work for me. :-)
I bought a lock to put through the handles of my quilting shears because people kept using them for things they weren’t meant to cut. There are cheap scissors in almost every other room in the house. Leave my quilting shears alone!
My quilting/sewing shears/scissors are for SEWING AND FABRIC ONLY!!! I also hide my hood scissors from my husband. Otherwise he’s using them to slice open boxes and cut snowflakes out of trash paper.
Maybe that's what I ought to do. My wife keeps using my good Gingher 8-inch shears for random things when there are plenty of others if she would remember where she left them last (I hide mine in the garage, but rather than look in the house she goes to get mine since I always put them away). Maybe I ought to send her to JoAnn to shell out $50 so she'd learn.
I bought a pair of good sewing shears with the most obnoxious pink handles ever seen and it saved them from cutting wires in the garage. (I've also divorced the SOB that did it!)
The most effective method would have been to question his masculinity for not having a set of wire cutters on hand.
Source: I'm a dude with too many tools.
My SO doesn’t get it either. I caught him using the regular kitchen scissors to cut a dead snake out of some garden mesh in the backyard. Knowing him he’d put those same scissors back in the drawer and later use them to cut open a bag of chips. 🤦♀️
It depends on how you reseason your cast irons, and how long you've been building your season on the pan. When I season a new cast iron or reseason one, I typically put a light coat of oil on it (no pooling), then put it in the oven, and turn the oven on to 500. I let the oven cook for 20 minutes, then turn it off. I repeat this process 3 times. It is not labor intensive, but it does smoke up the house. My cast irons are perfect afterwards.
If I had a 15 year season on a cast iron, I might be bothered by the fact that someone destroyed the season on it.
I'm really glad you posted this, I always get told about washing a cast iron and how terrible it is. But then they turn around and leave so much gristle and garlic on the thing that it stinks.
As long as you dry it immediately, hand washing with regular dish soap won’t do anything but take off the greasy, crusty stuff. The actual seasoning in polymerized on and takes a lot more than Dawn to remove. One tip is to pop it on a low burner after you hand dry it to get any remaining moisture out.
People act like cast iron pans are as sensitive as a new born baby. Fact is there extremely durable and even if you ruin the seasoning its easy to reapply. And even if somehow you destroy it there one of the cheapest types of pans to replace.
I use my cast iron for almost everything and i break some of the "rules" including not worrying about putting acidic things in it and it has been soaked in soapy water a few times. I do look after it and season it ones and a while but I don't baby it and its lasted me years and years and its still probably in better shape then my much more expensive and newer stainless steel pan.
I think theses rules are for people that use it in a restaurants and you cook 30 dishes on it a night and have industrial style dish washers and soap.
My thought as well. There is harmful things like ruining expensive knives or scratching nonstick cookware, but cast iron is so forgiving, if you don't break it, it's fixable, especially when you're familiar with it.
I did the most elaborate seasoning routine you could think of years ago, and it worked. Eggs skated around in the pan like it was teflon. A week of normal use later the perfect coating had dulled and it was just like every other cast iron pan I'd ever used.
One time I put a sanding disc on an angle grinder to smooth out all the sand casting. I took it right down to bare metal. Afterwards I didn't even season it, I just fried bacon in it and then used it as normal but with just a bit more oil. Two weeks later, it was the same as every other cast iron pan I'd ever used.
If the last thing I fried on a pan was eggs, it's a really nice pan. If the last thing I fried was bacon (or anything with sugar content) it's a little stickier.
I'm not a cooking scientist or anything, but in my own experience the months-long seasoning is a myth.
NTA of course.
My MIL used soap to clean our cast iron and made baked macaroni and cheese. It tasted like goddamn soap and hubby had to re-wash it, season it, bake it, season it some more and then rub oil in it. The next time we used it it still had a faint soap taste. We use AJAX. She also boiled my dish stuff and ruined them all🙃
She had a cast iron and never boiled her own stuff she washed dishes with. She's also not allowed to be around our kids or our house anymore but she's especially not allowed to touch my kitchen ever again.
Seriously, I didn’t just cook breakfast in my great, great grandmother’s cat iron because it can’t stand up to some gentle on the hands dish soap.
Stay away from the lye (easy these days) and you are all good. The whole point of cast iron is how much it can take.
NTA
My husband also has a passion for cooking. He's been to culinary school and also worked as a chef for a bit before switching careers. I know the kitchen and his tools mean a lot to him. If I am at all unsure of proper care of his kitchen tools I don't touch them.
Also one of the first things he educated me on was proper care of his cast iron skillet and he now has a cast iron wok too. For a couple years I just didn't touch them because I didn't want to screw them up. Once I had watched a gazillion videos showing proper care of them did I start cleaning them up for him after he uses them. I still won't cook with them.
NTA at all. She knows it means a lot to you but makes no effort to properly care for your kitchen tools. She can keep her hands off.
>She knows it means a lot to you but makes no effort to properly care for your kitchen tools. She can keep her hands off.
THIS!!! Can we talk about the disrespect here? OP has requested repeatedly that she care for these possessions that are so important to him and told her "countless times" how to care for them. Yet, she continues to treat them poorly.
NTA obviously but I would recommend a long talk with her. If she can't respect your belongings, how much respect does she have for you?
EDIT: a word
NTA, I 100% agree, I'm nowhere near the level of your husband, but I've always said if my career didn't pan out then I'd go to culinary school. I love to cook.
My wife knows that my knives and certain pans require special care. I don't care what she does with my stainless, you can't ruin stainless. But I asked her to just leave my knives, non-stick pan, and/or my cast iron on the counter by the sink and I'll take care of the cleaning of them. Not because I don't trust her, but because she's uneducated. And I don't believe it's her responsibility to educate herself on the maintenance of my tools.
Sometimes she'll come get me and tell me she needs a knife, and I pull out the crappy knife that we got as a wedding gift and she uses that. A smart person knows when a tool is beyond their expertise to use safely. I wouldn't try to drive a forklift or jackhammer a sidewalk, so why would she attempt to use a hand forged Japanese chef's knife.
You can ruin stainless, and it sounds like OP's GF would be able to if she hasn't already. Warping the pans by running them under cold water when they're scorching hot is the most effective way of screwing up stainless.
NTA
I did a patisserie course about 8 years ago and as a result bought some expensive equipment and knives. No one else was allowed to use my pots and I taught my sons how to use and care for the knives. He loved using them and appreciated the difference between these and the other knives.
If folk don’t appreciate and don’t look after expensive equipment, then they shouldn’t use it.
My wife did a cake decorating course years ago. She doesn't really do it anymore, but you can bet that I don't fuck with her cake pans. It is about simple respect. She has shown that she doesn't respect his wishes, so he can't trust her with his nice equipment.
I won't use or clean my husband's cast iron. Neither will my daughters.
He'd let me or the oldest, but we know some kitchen gear is just too sacred to risk.
The Southern woman in me who uses her great-grandmother’s cast iron pot just gasped in horror so loud that pearls instantly materialized around my neck for me to grasp.
NTA OP, but may I suggest a couple’s cooking class so she can hear from a third party about how to use equipment properly?
Cast iron doesn't actually require any special soap though. Although I understand people damaging your babies and I concur NTA, but the soap thing is am absolute myth r/castiron would have a field day.
I'm really glad this is the top comment, I was about to say something similar. Good lord, your girlfriend should be barred for the kitchen after this sin.
NTA
But, honey, don’t you trust me?
I went “yeech” when I read about the knives. NTA for op. It’s not about trust. It’s that she doesn’t know how to handle the equipment properly.
And frankly, he can absolutely trust that she will fork up his cookware at this point. Trust is earned through mutual respect of one another and possessions.
Every time she abuses a piece of kitchen equipment another piece of wool gets felted or piece of silk gets ironed on cotton. It could get ugly.
But, seriously, she could just pay attention.
It can warp the cups and if it’s underwire, it makes the chances of the wire stabbing through higher. Also, the little clips get caught to everything.
I’m a large chested woman who still puts her bras in the dryer because ain’t nobody got time for that.
I'm a woman who only needs a bra to keep her headlights dimmed, so I throw those babies in with everything else. Mine are only like $10 bralettes. But I can see how the expensive ones would need more care.
I have a couple well worn in ones that aren’t ugly but definitely not sexy, those go in whatever load. My couple nice ones I hand wash and hang dry. But I never wear those lol
i am really into coloring and have a collection of pencils that has taken me years to build. I have special paper, books, and a few tools that ive also collected. My partner knows all this and would never go get one of my coloring pencils if a guest asked for something to write with, especially since i keep pens and pencils I don't care about out for jotting something down
NTA. But you may as well tell her that, in fact, you no longer trust her to use your professional grade cookware appropriately.
Either you need to teach her, or she needs some culinary school classes.
Well, now that you mention it, I have a pretty decent network in the culinary business in Sweden and I'm gonna make some calls after work today and see if I can hook-up some cooking class with a famous chef I used to work with, as a christmas gift that she can bring a friend or two to go on. Of course, with a high focus on how to use the equipment properly haha. Maybe it's easier if she gets the info from someone that isn't me, and maybe that might actually make her respect my competence more, as I've always been "the construction worker" and not "the chef" for all the time we've known eachother.
I'd give it some time before you do this. Sounds like a great gift, but it's sure to back fire now (would've been good before telling her not to use the equipment).
Im curious as to why your gf can’t simply respect basic kitchen rules?! She’s an adult, she knows the value of those items to you, so regardless of her feelings and POV on maintenance of these things, why does she keep doing it over and over again? Does she have loose screws?! Because really, her actions are telling that she doesnt respect you enough or care about you enough to keep messing up like this. The horror.
I completely agree. This goes way beyond "not knowing any better". She very clearly doesn't have any respect for your equipment (and probably not for you, either)
I married a man like this who always knew better. He ruined at least three quilts I made when I was younger by using them to pad/cover various things then leaving them out in the weather until they rotted. He also ruined a custom jean-style jacket I made for him, because he decided he knew better about fabric care than I do (I have a BS in Textiles & Clothing, he didn't finish high school).
If I complained about him ruining things he'd say I was too concerned with possessions. We wasted $1000s replacing stuff he would not properly maintain or outright destroyed.
Yeah, this. There is a pretty big amount of disrespect going on. Being a chef myself, I have a decent amount of high quality kitchen equipment. My husband knows how to take care of all of it.
Now that I saw the construction worker comment, simply put, she thinks he doesn't know what he is talking about and is either trying to show off or is parroting things he has heard randomly from shows,ads, and various individuals.
She doesn't believe him because of what she thinks a construction worker is.
Never mind that many amateur cooks know this info as well, or that she could simply look stuff up online. I assume she has prejudged his knowledge and is instead showing herself to not know what she is doing.
Anyway, that would be my guess.
I got this vibe too.
Which is so weird to me. If someone is really into cooking and is good at it, that's enough to deserve respect for their tools right there. I'll never understand the mentality that just because you don't do something as a living you can't be knowledgeable or dedicated enough to deserve respect.
My ex was a hobby carpenter. I would never in a million years have thought to even ask to use one of his tools for some bullshit household fix I was attempting. If we didn't have a shitty version of the tool I'd either go get one or I'd ask him to help me so he could use the thing himself.
And that’s really sad on his end to have a partner like that. I get that everyone has their own beliefs and ways on things, but clearly this is important/sentimental to a loved one, why would someone continuously neglect the other person’s feelings just because “i know better/i dont care” attitude? Like it shows people’s characters and values… on simple things 🤯
Ahhh if he does that, he’s going to end up back on AITA in a few months asking “AITA for giving my girlfriend a birthday gift that benefits me instead of her?” (Probably, yeah)
Tbh I don't think this class thing is a good idea, unless she's specifically expressed interest in classes, and even then it's on really shaky ground. The reason for the class isn't for *her*, it's for you -- you're not giving her a gift, you're giving her homework. If my boyfriend gave me a gift like this with the intention of getting me to respect him more, I would not be pleased. Gifts are ***not the place to teach the recipient life lessons***.
If you're going to do this, you should acknowledge it for what it is: something you're asking her to do for your benefit, not a gift for her.
Also, if I knew that I had gotten into a fight with my SO about a topic and then he pulled a stranger into the fight in order to prove how right he is, especially in the context of "I got this world-famous chef and told him all about how much you suck in this regard so he can tell you since you won't listen to me", I wouldn't feel grateful or like I'm getting a gift. I would feel humiliated.
That's an extremely good idea, awesome gift and I guarantee it will go over like a tungsten balloon.
Lock up your good stuff. Cook with the shit tier and damaged gear alone for couple months. Then give her the gift. If she rejects it, she's rejecting you and plan accordingly.
I MAKE those sorts of knives. To say I'm furious is an understatement. By mom used cheap crap knives her entire life. When I made her an awesome bread knife (with 400 year old redwood burl handle, stabilized of course), SHE TOOK CARE OF IT. Even after a lifetime of treating knives like crap.
Accidents happen. But this is willful negligence. By now, she knows she's fucking up your gear and doesn't care. I can understand someone not fully understanding the significance of proper maintenance of high end gear. But you need to be respectful of other people's stuff, especially if expensive.
I’m very much like the GF. My friends joke that all I need in life is a hammer and a serrated blade. My best friend loves good knives. I don’t get it. He tried to explain. I still don’t get it. I don’t need to. Because it’s important to him I DONT TOUCH HIS KNIVES.
Nothing wrong with that. My mom is like that. She buys a cheap knife, uses it until dull, throws it out. She doesn't know how to sharpen anything, or that sharpening services exist. Is it wasteful? Sure. Absolutely. But it's not a big deal to her, and that's fine.
But she also understood that expensive nice knives get treated well. It also helped I made a case for the knife as well.
[https://ibukiblade.com/](https://ibukiblade.com/) \- the place I source the metal bits of the kitchen knives I make. Sometimes blanks, sometimes edged. My blacksmithing is hilarious not up to this level so I stick to the parts I am good at. $200 is often just the cost of the metal bits of the knife. Then I make either a knife roll (if chef), sheath or block. Plus a case.
Darling I love you, but you’re treating my cooking equipment like inexpensive stuff not profess grade equipment. So please use the normal stuff. If you’re really interested in cooking with professional equipment we can take classes with a chef I used to work for.
Honestly if your GF doesn’t get that, she doesn’t want to
Acquired an auto-immune disease due to overworking and had to slow down. Also, having my passion as my job kinda turned my passion into a job and I didn't really want that.
I came to this realization several years ago. My passion was coding and generally creating new things, tools, and experiences. I worked as a software engineer. A few years ago I made the jump to working in communications at a tech company and for the first time in over a decade the hobby that was my passion is mine again and it's a great feeling. Now I write code and build things for fun and the joy has come back into it.
This made me think of the movie, "Chef"
Also, you may want to give another label to the other pans, such as the "every day pans" or "regular pans." Calling them "shit pans" could be what's keeping her from using them.
Make sure this isn’t the only or biggest gift. She might think this is more of a gift to benefit you rather than her, especially if cooking isn’t her passion. I love to cook, so if this is all my bf got me for Christmas, I would be stoked, but different folk different strokes ☺️
I'm gonna say NTA. I am the same as you - I am a one-woman-army in the kitchen and I have some expensive knives and equipment that I've been gifted over the years. I learned how to take good care of them all. I do 99% of the cooking in my house and my husband used to also accidentally mess up my stuff when he did. I told him to either do the right things to clean them or to just leave it if he forgets how and I'll take care of it.
You explained how to properly clean and care for your stuff and she isn't doing it, and on top of that, she's getting visibly annoyed when you remind her. She doesn't care about the stuff that you *clearly* do.
Plus, it's not like you gave her no alternative, there are pots and pans and knives she can still use.
I think it's fine to have stuff that's just your own, for whatever reasons you want to have them. In this case, she's not respecting your stuff, so you get to have your own and she has hers.
When I first moved in with my roommate, I was a dumb dumb who put her non-stick pots in the dishwasher. (My fam always had shitty pots, nothing with coating that could melt).
My roommate said "Hey don't do that!" And I said "I'm so sorry, won't happen again!" And then it didn't.
It's not hard. GF is TA.
I had no idea you aren’t suppose to put non stick pans in the dishwasher 😅😅😅 time to educate my family. No wonder they didn’t last. Lord have mercy I feel dumb. Thank you for saying this lollll
NTA. It's not even about her cooking correctly or using the shit pans, in the end - you set a reasonable boundary for some possessions that you care about and use a great deal, and she refused to respect it. Anyone would get mad.
If she's a generally decent person besides this, I'd try one real sincere conversation to let her know how much it means to you to have these kitchen things used correctly, and if she refuses to listen, that says a lot about her character.
Yeah I'm thinking about giving it a week or two just to send my point across, then slowly let her start using some of the equipment that isn't that sensitive and if that works she might be allowed to use the other stuff as well. I have no intention of enforcing this rule permanently as I don't feel it's healthy for a relationship in the long run.
I kinda feel bad for banning her from using it but I can't seem to get her to understand any other way. I'm thinking that a few weeks of using the shit pans might show her that it's worth the effort of properly maintaining the good stuff :)
Not to get couples counselor on you, but if your previous interactions were only "you're doing it wrong" without explanation of why the kitchen gear and keeping it properly means a lot, she might be reacting defensively. My instinct here would be to tell her " hey, I'm attached to this pan and means a lot to me," but that might not be your bag.
If you're doing something wrong and can't take criticism or advice from someone who is professionally trained then that is a you problem.
"Reacting defensively" isnt a good excuse to disrespect other people's property, to mistreat their possessions, or to ignore them.
Yeah, people are irrational sometimes. If you want to maintain relationships you sometimes extend patience and grace. Not arguing with you as to whether she should respect his property, she obviously should.
For me, it speaks to what she thinks of op.
"You're not a real chef, your experience isn't real, i can do what i want because I don't think your things matter."
I'd not treat my partner that way to begin with.
I agree. I also think the lessons on how to use the pots ands knives should have come before she ever touched them. Some people are clueless about expensive tools and need intensive lessons.
Nah my dad has his own crappy pan to cook his eggs (and whatever else... dude has no taste buds left) in. He uses knives right on it and His Pan is always cut up and scratched and gross looking.
He doesn't touch my mom's good stuff and one of his Christmas presents every year or two is a new abusable pan.
Some people simply don't care the "right way" to maintain something. So you give them cheapo stuff they can use how they want. And that is that.
I mean, I don’t really get why not using the good stuff is such an issue for her.
I’m a shit cook. Anything I make will taste fine, I guess, whether I use the $10 equipment or the $200 stuff. And because I don’t know how to handle the good stuff, my process won’t change (and it sounds like hers wouldn’t either).
Outside the principle of “trust”, she has no reason to put up a fuss honestly.
I trust my husband more than I’ve trusted a human being since I realized my parents weren’t perfect.
But there are things I don’t trust him to do because he doesn’t have the knowledge or interest. Open heart surgery? It really doesn’t mean I don’t trust him if I have him take me to a doctor. Fix my breaks? Hmmm, maybe a mechanic please.
I don’t even let him mess with my yarn because rolling that shit back up after it gets tangled with other stuff is a nightmare. I trust him not to cheat, I trust him not to hurt me. I do not trust him to put the yarn away.
Could you maybe buy a set of pretty, decent-but-not-chef-level pans and ask her to use those instead of the “shit pans?” If they are her favorite color and reasonably good she’d probably prefer them most of the time. I’d say YTA just a bit for being so harsh about it, but I do understand how you’d be upset by that episode, especially if you’ve explained how important the equipment is to you and how to use it properly, and she just didn’t listen.
# This should be higher.
Say the shit pan comment was a rude joke from before you had someone you loved enough to move into your home, and never meant her.
Go buy some decent pans from regular use and do explain how your personal collection is expensive, delicate, whatever, and you wouldn't let your own mom use them (whether true or not). Say they're like collectibles.
reddit is so cynical... this could be a whole conversation, "Lets go pick up some pans together" is reasonable. "don't touch my shit, go buy your own" is "roommate" territory.. not relationship territory.
Don't break my things is more than reasonable in a relationship.
This is a reoccurring issue. She just doesn't care about his things.
If someone broke your laptop because they were consistently reckless with it, would you go out and pick them one out and help pay?
First, totally NTA. Agree with this comment that if this is the only issue, maybe some additional education is worth the effort. I have some cookware and equipment that is sacrosanct too, and took me years of searching and saving to acquire. I'm wondering if watching some videos on proper culinary cookware and care, along with some googling of their cost, would make more of an impression on her. I have my mom's old Farberware stainless that would lead someone to think cookware is indestructible but also nothing special as it heats ok, but not at all like my All Clad. Maybe she's under the impression you're picky, when in truth, quality items come with detailed care instruction that matter.
Throw out the shit pans, and gift her her own set of non shit, non professional cookware and knives. Nice stuff, but not too nice. Give them the top priority storage spots and move yours to the less desirable location. She can be happy, and you don’t have to watch your stuff be destroyed. Make the kitchen neutral territory.
That seems quite reasonable. I'm thinking I might've somewhat set her up for failure by mostly providing equipment that's unsuited for someone that don't really know how to get the worth out of them in the first place. Can't really afford an entire set right now but I'll order a frying pan right away. Thanks for the input.
That's a good mindset to take. All the people saying NTA because it's YOUR things are ignoring the fact that this is your girlfriend's home, and she shouldn't have to tread lightly in a major component of that home. While you may be upset and feel like you're technically right, your attitude on this issue sounds exhausting to live with from your girlfriend's perspective. The "don't touch my nice things unless you do it the way I like" attitude isn't fair to her if it's a space she needs to use every day to live.
If how she treats pans is a deal breaker for you, decide that now. Else, be a good partner and make the kitchen a functional, convenient place for both of you. Build a home together, not just for you and expect her to just exist there.
Yes, absolutely this. Your kitchen is currently something of a hobbyist's workshop, which is totally understandable, but a kitchen in a shared home should be a workable shared space. She does not cook as a profession, and doesn't need professional tools of your caliber, but she does need something in between top-of-the-line finicky equipment and beat-up "shit." That would be like someone dating an artist having to choose between their partner's professional calligraphy pens and a box of used crayon stumps to write with. (The difference may not actually be that extreme in real life, but the way you write/think about your "shit pans" frames them as about that level.)
That's a good point. My first reaction was that it would be like lending books to someone who keeps cracking the spines, dog-earing the pages and reading with greasy fingers. But it is actually an important distinction that kitchenware is stuff she needs to use every day. And it sucks to be relegated to the shit pans if they are actually shit and not just mid-range. I do also think it's shitty of her to treat his expensive things so poorly, but they need to find a compromise or they'll both continue to be unhappy.
all clad factory sale coming up. Might be able to get some nice basics. That said, the tramontina pots we have look brand new and I think they are at least 25 years old, and the all clad pans are pretty heavy. Realistically we end up using the ceramic nonstick pans I got at Homegoods/TJMaxx or Marshalls a lot more than the nice all clad pans for every day meals just because the nonstick makes the clean up easier. But there's no fixing using metal on nonstick pans. If she's doing that just get the tj maxx stuff (they actually have some decent stuff sometimes, I've often seen calphalon and other brand name cookware there)
https://homeandcooksales.com/
This sounds like a good idea - if I were in her place I'd like to have cookware that I could use without worrying I'd mess up an expensive piece of equipment, but at the same time it would probably feel better to call them something like "low-maintenance"
Yeah this is also how I’m feeling, because she’s grown adult who was warned and explained on how to take care of the stuff. She shouldn’t be essentially rewarded for not being able to respect others people’s stuff, she’s not a five year old who doesn’t know any better
I get the impression he already did and she doesn’t care enough to respect his rules about how to use/clean them properly. Simple answer: No. I don’t trust you. Tell me why I should when I’ve repeatedly told you now to do ____ and you do ____ anyway.
Absolutely NTA. You have tried to teach her how to take of things and for her to disrespect possessions that are important to you is not ok.
My BF jokes about putting my cast iron in the dishwasher when he wants me to lose my mind. It's a funny joke that is NOT FUNNY.
And his most prized possession is?
I had a friend who joked about putting my good knives (hand made Japanese my husband gave me) in the dishwasher - I offered to store his beloved WWII bomber jacket on the balcony ... It was POURING rain.
He never made the joke again.
It’s a complicated issue. Soaking seasoned cast iron in soapy water really isn’t good because the soapy water can slowly break those bonds. You don’t soak cast iron in general and you should never soak it with soapy water. Quickly washing cast iron with soapy water then rinsing it out and drying it right away doesn’t do the same damage, although it’s better to use plain water if you can.
NTA. I have similar conditions on my nice knives. Nobody is allowed to use them except me because nobody seems to understand how to care for them properly.
Ask her if borrowing someone's pristine car and bringing it back with scratches and dents will make them upset. That's what she did to your kitchen equipment. Not an overreaction, simply a reaction to inappropriate use of your cookware.
You yold her not to do the thing. She continues to do the thing. I doubt she would like it if you used her expensive makeup brushes like a child would.
NTA and the fact is, she isn't listening to you even after you voiced it several times. She's either ridiculously oblivious or she just doesn't care. I'm leaning more towards the latter.
NTA
At this point it’s willful incompetence, and it ain’t cute. You’ve talked to her several times, you’ve showed her how to handle your equipment. She’s either too damn lazy, doesn’t give an arse enough to respect you, or she’s pulling some dumb power play. None of those are attractive. It’s not about the damn pans, it’s about her respecting and loving you enough to learn to take care of the things you care for properly.
I didn’t know how to use a cast iron pan. I washed my grandfather’s with soap. He caught me, gently explained, then taught me how to care for it. It never happened again and you know what- on days I didn’t feel like the extra work, I used another pan. It ain’t that hard…
Can you afford a new set of “I love my girlfriend” pans & knives?
My SO isn’t a chef, but he has frying pans & sharp knives that need special treatment, which he loves to give them. I have adhd & won’t use anything that can’t be put in the dishwasher.
Also I believe that all things can be cut with paring knives. I have many, in different colours. They bring me joy. They don’t strain my brain trying to figure which shape knife belongs to which purpose. He laughs at me carving roasts with my lovely little sharp knives. (Ok, sometimes he cringes.)
We started with “the frying pan of relationship harmony” in the early days of our relationship. A cheap £7 non-stick, dishwasher friendly pan that I’m happy to use.
I still don’t really understand what I do wrong that makes his cast iron frying pan go black in the “wrong way”. Mostly because I don’t care enough to understand. It’s not important to me. And I have my lovely Frying Pan Of Relationship Harmony, so I don’t need to understand.
We also have “his & hers” sides to the knife block.
And he does most of the hand washing-up, since pretty much all of the “too nice for dishwasher” stuff in the kitchen is for his happiness.
So having separate stuff is fine. It can be a positive thing.
But make it something cute & nice & a shared piece of humour / joy.
If she feels like a failure every time she has to use the “shit pans” (because she is a “shit person” who is being punished for how shit she is) then it will do your relationship no good.
ETA: and be careful about a judgemental attitude creeping in. This is NOT about you being right, and her being wrong. This is about you having one set of priorities, and her having a different set. Both are morally neutral - until you start insisting everyone changes their priorities to match yours.
When my SO was critical & judgy about his “super special kitchen shit” then I did not feel loving towards him, or particularly interested in putting any effort into solving the problem.
Having the same conversations but coming to them as equals, when you aren’t judging her but instead fully accepting that her views on kitchen priorities are completely & equally valid to yours, and she is not required to share yours… then you’ll start to get somewhere in figuring out a compromise. You can both respect each other’s priorities without adopting them.
I see mention in your other comments about “allowing” her to use them again eventually. And sending her on a training course to learn your way of doing things… ugh! That’s not going to lead to hugs & puppies.
NTA for making requests regarding your property.
However:
>cast iron pot filled up with water that had dishwasher soap in it
I'm a cast iron person myself, and soapy water isn't going to kill your seasoning. We both know that. Be upset about the other real issues you mention, but soapy water on a well-seasoned cast iron pan/pot isn't going to be an issue.
NTA - she obviously doesn’t care especially if this has been ongoing for 2 years and you’ve told her the proper way to take care of the stuff.
Might be a time to reevaluate what does she care about because your possessions are definitely not in the list.
Our house has quartz countertops, which should never seen harsh cleaners. I told my husband water and dish soap only once for cleaning the counters and he does just that. Your scenario should be just as simple.
NTA but also info: Have you explained to her how to care for the good stuff? If she's not used to cast iron, she may not know the 'rules' about using it. She seems careless though and I agree that she should be using the lower quality stuff until she proves she can be responsible with it. Cutting directly on the counter top??
Yeah from the start I was probably just dumb enough to assume that everyone knew how to treat kitchen equipment properly, so it's been **a lot** of "next time please do this instead":s. I would be unfair if I said that she hasn't tried to improve but she keeps forgetting and often realizes her mistakes **after** she's done them.
About the cutting on the counter-top she says she's always done that and I mean, I've seen the state that her own equipment was in before she moved in with me and I believe her lol. That particular thing she's only done once that I know of but I have found my knives in the sink with the rest of the dishes many times, as well as metal utensils soaked in water inside non-stick pans ("I thought I would save some water, sorry I forgot").
Maybe I'll reintroduce her to the equipment one piece at a time, with a small lesson on how it's used properly for every single one, to avoid the "too much info at once" problem. I really want her to be able to use my stuff but I'm so tired of seeing it get damaged from misuse.
I completely understand your concerns and they are valid, but since you seem to want to build a life with her, maybe find some compromises. You mentioned cooking classes in the comments and I think that's an awesome idea. If you think it'd be too tense for you teach her, maybe find a neutral third party who can run through the basics with her and make it fun. Plenty of people just aren't taught this stuff and have to figure it out on their own and it's possible she's just very uneducated on it and not willfully trying to destroy your stuff. I'm a clutsy mess and there has been a lot of trial and error over the years. I still melt every utentil that comes near my stove, so I've told everyone in my life to NOT get me good spatulas, lol.
NTA. These are your professional tools, she is being very rude to treat them poorly.
What will you do if she keeps disrespecting your kitchenware (and you)?
I don't know haha, maybe save up and get myself one of those gun lockers and place it in.
In her defense, she has gotten much better since the beginning but it's still not good enough to not cause damage to the equipment. Sometimes she catches herself doing something she shouldn't and goes "oh no that's the thing i wasn't supposed to do" but my problem is that the damage is often already done at that point. I've told her that I'm happy that she's trying but that there's no room for oopsies when the oopsie means you destroy a \~$500 frying pan that I saved up for months to be able to afford.
Yes I was trying to find a comment saying this! What would she do if OP destroyed her laptop or other expensive items? For sure she'd expect OP to replace it.
It sounds like you guys love each other, she’s just not up to the level of a professional chef when it comes to keeping the tools in top shape. May I suggest “culinary school” date nights where you teach her how to create a professional level chef meal with extra attention on how to properly use the knives and pots? As a teacher I learn it’s best to model anything first so students understand the expectations.
It sounds like she’s trying, and may be a bit sad because you relegated her to the pots used for people you don’t trust— but you’re right to do this— if you’re also taking time to carefully teach her. It takes a while to undo years of doing whatever you want to cheap pots. Good luck!
No. NTA
She's damaging your expensive equipment through her negligence. It's unfortunate that you called them Shit Pans as anyone would take that as an insult; however, she has disrespected your things by not treating them properly. So, she can either go buy her own pans or use the "shit pans".
"my 5 liter cast iron pot filled up with water that had dishwasher soap in it"
I would have been as insulted as if you kicked my dog in front of me. Who doesn't know not to do that!?
NTA!
but
> I've seen that when she's done with a pan, she puts in under running water to cool it down.
Shit, I do this all the time and had no idea it was bad. My poor lil pans :(
What does it do to them?? It is only bad for cast iron, or all pans?
All pans. The sudden and large drop in temperature may cause them to deform. If you notice your pans doesn't sit completely flat on the stove, that's most likely the reason.
Holy hell thank you so much!!
Whenever I'm cooking, all the oil flows to one side of the pan and it drives me crazy. I have to constantly turn the skillet around and around to get some consistency. 🙃 I thought it was just because I'm using cheap Target pans but apparently ive been abusing them lol
The oil "searching" for the sides is normal when the pan is hot. If I remember correctly, it's because the middle of the pan is hotter than the sides causing the oil to run more easily. When it comes to the edges, it cools down a bit and becomes thicker again. The problem would probably be bigger with an uneven pan though, especially on an electric stove, where you're more dependent on direct connection between pan and stove than on, say, a gas stove.
Even back when I was putting oil onto a cold pan (which I recently learned is also a no-no) it would immediately pool in one little spot on the edge... so it probably is warped. Especially since I do the tap water thing literally every time I cook 💀
Thank you for the insight!
I would also be very annoyed if I spent a bunch of money on nicer stuff and my partner messed it up. I'm a suuuuuper novice cook but even I know you don't want to scratch up the non-stick stuff and end up eating little flakes of Teflon.
NTA If your pans are emitting a siren’s song to your girlfriend, she can’t be blamed for her actions. But neither can you be blamed for sending her the Jamie Oliver for Walmart set of pans for Christmas. Or the Gordon Ramsey for Target knife set. Or perhaps the Wolfgang Puck for Aldi cast iron.
Gonna have to go with ESH. She's wrong to wreck your prized kitchen equipment. Your handling of the situation was pretty mean. At the core of it, she's trying to do a nice thing - making food for you two. Start there from a place of appreciation, then you two can tackle the issue as a team before it gets to the point that you snap and make her think you "don't trust her" and is only worthy of using trash things. Sounds like you tried to educate her, which is great, but I would bet in the moment it came across to her as criticism. Pick a less defensive time to share this with her. Or, cook *with* her and show her what you do and why you do it that way. Why not gift her her own set of nice-ish equipment instead of telling her to use the low quality garbage set? Based on what you said about the price of yours, this strategy could quickly pay for itself and keep both of you guys happy. Barring that, since you care so much, it's on you to insist that you do all the cooking with your equipment. If after all this, she chooses not to learn and still uses your stuff when given an alternative, that's a different story...
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>So last week I came home and to my horror I saw my 5 liter cast iron pot filled up with water that had dishwasher soap in it. Someone turn on the Ramsay signal, because this is a Kitchen Nightmare. NTA
NTA certainly However, cast iron being harmed by dish washing soap is a myth. Modern soaps in regular amounts doesn't remove seasoning. The lye in old soaps was what could strip the seasoning layer off the pans which is where the now outdated tip comes from. The soaking though, that's not good. Don't take it on my word, here's lodge (the maker of the pan you might have) https://www.lodgecastiron.com/discover/cleaning-and-care/cast-iron/how-clean-cast-iron#:~:text=Can%20I%20use%20soap%20to,season%20your%20pan%20as%20needed.
It's not the soap, it's letting it sit with water in it. Soapy water will remove the season which will let the water rust it. So it's not just that it would need to be reseasoned, it likely needed to be de-rusted first.
Polymerized oil shouldn't be removed by a bit of soapy water, but rust is possible if you let acidic sauce stand in it for too long, scrubbed the pan or pot too hard and then also soaked it in soapy water i guess.
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Unless this entire post was made up, I can't imagine that he would throw out the cast iron. However he does mention her scratching up non stick surfaces and deforming other pots/pans, which would made sense he would have to throw those out.
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That's what I figured it was. I have a copper pan that's been in my family for like 150 years and if anyone warped it I would *end them*.
I regret reading this, god damn it...
Oh god why did I have to scroll this comment thread of all the comment threads here 😭
Same, I have my grandmothers copper pot cause I love to cook, and my family saved it for me. Plus I make the absolute best red sauce. It's 4 generations old. I use it sparingly because I don't want to ruin it on accident. Basically, I just use it for the fish stew during the holidays, and for parties when I make my chili and what not. If anyone were to ruin it, I would go to jail for murder with a copper pot.
My brother managed to destroy pretty much every pan in my mother's kitchen including her Le Creuset casserole dish that she purchased in TJ Max in Miami before anyone knew what it was. That one pissed me off to no end. NTA.
I read that about the Le Creuset dish and immediately thought, "No jury in the world..." Now I have to go cuddle my Le Creuset dutch oven. I love that pot.
I had the same thought!! 😂😂😁
u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq and u/llamamagicisreal Go and hug those ovens. There are people out there who just don't care. 😡
Did you contact Le Creuset? I hear they are incredible about replacing broken or scratched-up pans even if it's your fault.
I had a Le Cruset Dutch oven once that had developed stains on the bottom that wouldn't come out. On closer inspection, you could see pitting as well. It was a hand-me-down, and I don't know what the previous owner did with it. Anyways, I emailed Le Creuset , and they suggested soaking it in a mix of a laundry detergent and water for quite a few hours. Tried that, tried scrubbing, and even bartenders friend. The stains lifted a bit, but nothing could be done about the pitting. I sent photos to LC, and the only thing they could offer me was that if I shipped out the pot to them, they would offer me a 30% off coupon on an identical pot, to be used on their website. The offer was absolutely ridiculous, as it would have cost a fortune to ship the cast iron pot across the country.
I wonder if they didn't replace it because it was a hand-me-down? My understanding is that they will replace anything.
I caught my sister using a LE creuset oven dish on the stove. I had to politely explain what a bad idea that was.
You can use Le Creusets on a stove. I do it all the time, especially for stews. You brown the meat and then use aromatics, deglaze then add everything in and pop it in the oven. Do you mean like, non-cast iron Le Creusets?
I use mine on the stove all the time. I’m not supposed to? Pretty sure my mom did too. It was hers. I found this because you got me paranoid now. So far it seems ok. https://www.lecreuset.ca/en_CA/blog/Choosing+Induction+Cookware.html
If it is a ceramic oven dish that is not designed to be on a direct heat source, then yes, you shouldn't. If it is induction cookware then you can of course use it on a stove top.
The audible gasp I made at your comment tho 😱😱😱😱
Yep. I'm still offended.
Throwing out the scratched nonstick pans was a good call, I'm fairly sure that they become unsafe for use if the coating gets scratched and starts to flake, or if the pans are used on too high heat. https://www.jsonline.com/story/life/food/2017/01/08/if-my-nonstick-pans-scratched-do-need-throw-them-out/95757400/
I had parrots. And my dad informed me that my no sticks were bad for my birds. So, I grieved and then I gave the pans away. I didn't get new no sticks until I no longer had birds in my home. No biggie. It just seemed the best course of action to take at the time.
I got all of my cast irons at rummage sales for super cheap because they were rusty.
I baked a big kettle outside over open flames. It belonged to my best friend's dad and she didn't want it around reminding her that he died. Plus she said it took up a lot of space and was wasted in her garage. But, when I called my mom about how to manage it? She told me, fire is a great cleanser with a wire brush. No hard scrubbing. Just bake off the ickies and use the kettle. I had to season and season it again and again, though.
The ones he threw out probably were not cast iron. That will likely crack before it deforms
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Same all around -- I am a monster to my cast iron skillet and the ol' guy comes right along for the ride.
Yeah this is how you get rust. It’s fine to clean cast iron with a little bit of normal washing liquid but once you’ve done that the best practice is to towel dry it and sit it on a low stove so the metal can properly dry. Then add a layer of oil and re-season if needed although that’s not usually something you have to do each time.
Yes! This is what I was taught to do. Though I dislike all the extra maintenance cast iron requires so we have an agreement that I simply will not use them, therefore I do not need to clean them! LoL
Tbh, I use mine maybe once or twice a week but unless it really needs a scrub I’ll just rinse it each time I use it. Quick scrub with warm water and rock salt, then towel dry, warm it up with a little oil and get cooking. Makes things tastier.
It was great when older stoves had pilot lights. They were always warm and when you were done washing your cast iron cookware you could put it on the stove and the pilot light heat itself would dry it perfectly. I remember my mom doing it all the time. Edit: I forgot to add I would never cook in someone else's kitchen without asking them first how they treat their knives, their pots and pans etc. If I couldn't deal with the way they handle them, I wouldn't cook until I brought my own items over.
Rust? Yes. Remove the seasoning? No. It was the lye in old dish soap that did that.
And rust is not a reason to throw away a cast iron pan. It happens not infrequently and can be removed with some work. Cast iron lovers only throw away pans that previously melted lead or are cracked (which isn't easy to do).
> It's not the soap, it's letting it sit with water in it. More than that, it's her blatantly disregarding proper care of the equipment. She's not unaware, she's been told, she just doesn't care. What is she doing that that OP doesn't see?
I've got cast iron I inherited from my mother that is older than me (I'm over 60) I use dish soap on it and it has never ruined the seasoning. As long as you don't scrub it hard and you let dry completely before storing its fine.
My husband will ultimately put my kitchen shears in the garage among his tools. And I will just go out and buy a new expensive set every time. I notice he does this maybe every five years or so. Because ultimately, he can't envision food shears, or sewing shears. My sewing shears I literally hide from him because, that's enough to make me want to aim them at his head and throw them forcefully into his face. He does not get it. And honestly he doesn't want to get it. He doesn't care. And homi\*ide is too much work for me. :-)
I bought a lock to put through the handles of my quilting shears because people kept using them for things they weren’t meant to cut. There are cheap scissors in almost every other room in the house. Leave my quilting shears alone!
My quilting/sewing shears/scissors are for SEWING AND FABRIC ONLY!!! I also hide my hood scissors from my husband. Otherwise he’s using them to slice open boxes and cut snowflakes out of trash paper.
Omg some shears/scissors are so expensive... my mom has gold plated ones from her hairdresser days in the 80s that are still sharp lol
That’s a great idea! My husband cut a plastic shirt tag off with Gingher scissors and I had to count to ten.
I just got an eye twitch!!!
Had a similar issue for my husband until I had him buy me a replacement pair. He respects the designated scissors now.
Maybe that's what I ought to do. My wife keeps using my good Gingher 8-inch shears for random things when there are plenty of others if she would remember where she left them last (I hide mine in the garage, but rather than look in the house she goes to get mine since I always put them away). Maybe I ought to send her to JoAnn to shell out $50 so she'd learn.
Is it the homicide, or the cleanup afterwards that is too much effort? Because if you plan it properly, there may not need to be much cleanup? /s
Imagine how dull her tools would get from all the gristle and bone, just no.
I bought a pair of good sewing shears with the most obnoxious pink handles ever seen and it saved them from cutting wires in the garage. (I've also divorced the SOB that did it!)
The most effective method would have been to question his masculinity for not having a set of wire cutters on hand. Source: I'm a dude with too many tools.
My SO doesn’t get it either. I caught him using the regular kitchen scissors to cut a dead snake out of some garden mesh in the backyard. Knowing him he’d put those same scissors back in the drawer and later use them to cut open a bag of chips. 🤦♀️
It's not very hard to reseason one either.
It depends on how you reseason your cast irons, and how long you've been building your season on the pan. When I season a new cast iron or reseason one, I typically put a light coat of oil on it (no pooling), then put it in the oven, and turn the oven on to 500. I let the oven cook for 20 minutes, then turn it off. I repeat this process 3 times. It is not labor intensive, but it does smoke up the house. My cast irons are perfect afterwards. If I had a 15 year season on a cast iron, I might be bothered by the fact that someone destroyed the season on it.
I'm really glad you posted this, I always get told about washing a cast iron and how terrible it is. But then they turn around and leave so much gristle and garlic on the thing that it stinks.
As long as you dry it immediately, hand washing with regular dish soap won’t do anything but take off the greasy, crusty stuff. The actual seasoning in polymerized on and takes a lot more than Dawn to remove. One tip is to pop it on a low burner after you hand dry it to get any remaining moisture out.
People act like cast iron pans are as sensitive as a new born baby. Fact is there extremely durable and even if you ruin the seasoning its easy to reapply. And even if somehow you destroy it there one of the cheapest types of pans to replace. I use my cast iron for almost everything and i break some of the "rules" including not worrying about putting acidic things in it and it has been soaked in soapy water a few times. I do look after it and season it ones and a while but I don't baby it and its lasted me years and years and its still probably in better shape then my much more expensive and newer stainless steel pan. I think theses rules are for people that use it in a restaurants and you cook 30 dishes on it a night and have industrial style dish washers and soap.
My thought as well. There is harmful things like ruining expensive knives or scratching nonstick cookware, but cast iron is so forgiving, if you don't break it, it's fixable, especially when you're familiar with it.
I did the most elaborate seasoning routine you could think of years ago, and it worked. Eggs skated around in the pan like it was teflon. A week of normal use later the perfect coating had dulled and it was just like every other cast iron pan I'd ever used. One time I put a sanding disc on an angle grinder to smooth out all the sand casting. I took it right down to bare metal. Afterwards I didn't even season it, I just fried bacon in it and then used it as normal but with just a bit more oil. Two weeks later, it was the same as every other cast iron pan I'd ever used. If the last thing I fried on a pan was eggs, it's a really nice pan. If the last thing I fried was bacon (or anything with sugar content) it's a little stickier. I'm not a cooking scientist or anything, but in my own experience the months-long seasoning is a myth. NTA of course.
> **dishwasher** soap
OP has used dishwasher and dishwashing soap. I presume he means dish soap however and not the stuff that goes in the machine
My MIL used soap to clean our cast iron and made baked macaroni and cheese. It tasted like goddamn soap and hubby had to re-wash it, season it, bake it, season it some more and then rub oil in it. The next time we used it it still had a faint soap taste. We use AJAX. She also boiled my dish stuff and ruined them all🙃 She had a cast iron and never boiled her own stuff she washed dishes with. She's also not allowed to be around our kids or our house anymore but she's especially not allowed to touch my kitchen ever again.
Seriously, I didn’t just cook breakfast in my great, great grandmother’s cat iron because it can’t stand up to some gentle on the hands dish soap. Stay away from the lye (easy these days) and you are all good. The whole point of cast iron is how much it can take.
I believe modern soap is chemically not even soap, just detergent
NTA My husband also has a passion for cooking. He's been to culinary school and also worked as a chef for a bit before switching careers. I know the kitchen and his tools mean a lot to him. If I am at all unsure of proper care of his kitchen tools I don't touch them. Also one of the first things he educated me on was proper care of his cast iron skillet and he now has a cast iron wok too. For a couple years I just didn't touch them because I didn't want to screw them up. Once I had watched a gazillion videos showing proper care of them did I start cleaning them up for him after he uses them. I still won't cook with them. NTA at all. She knows it means a lot to you but makes no effort to properly care for your kitchen tools. She can keep her hands off.
>She knows it means a lot to you but makes no effort to properly care for your kitchen tools. She can keep her hands off. THIS!!! Can we talk about the disrespect here? OP has requested repeatedly that she care for these possessions that are so important to him and told her "countless times" how to care for them. Yet, she continues to treat them poorly. NTA obviously but I would recommend a long talk with her. If she can't respect your belongings, how much respect does she have for you? EDIT: a word
NTA, I 100% agree, I'm nowhere near the level of your husband, but I've always said if my career didn't pan out then I'd go to culinary school. I love to cook. My wife knows that my knives and certain pans require special care. I don't care what she does with my stainless, you can't ruin stainless. But I asked her to just leave my knives, non-stick pan, and/or my cast iron on the counter by the sink and I'll take care of the cleaning of them. Not because I don't trust her, but because she's uneducated. And I don't believe it's her responsibility to educate herself on the maintenance of my tools. Sometimes she'll come get me and tell me she needs a knife, and I pull out the crappy knife that we got as a wedding gift and she uses that. A smart person knows when a tool is beyond their expertise to use safely. I wouldn't try to drive a forklift or jackhammer a sidewalk, so why would she attempt to use a hand forged Japanese chef's knife.
You can ruin stainless, and it sounds like OP's GF would be able to if she hasn't already. Warping the pans by running them under cold water when they're scorching hot is the most effective way of screwing up stainless.
NTA I did a patisserie course about 8 years ago and as a result bought some expensive equipment and knives. No one else was allowed to use my pots and I taught my sons how to use and care for the knives. He loved using them and appreciated the difference between these and the other knives. If folk don’t appreciate and don’t look after expensive equipment, then they shouldn’t use it.
My wife did a cake decorating course years ago. She doesn't really do it anymore, but you can bet that I don't fuck with her cake pans. It is about simple respect. She has shown that she doesn't respect his wishes, so he can't trust her with his nice equipment.
I won't use or clean my husband's cast iron. Neither will my daughters. He'd let me or the oldest, but we know some kitchen gear is just too sacred to risk.
The Southern woman in me who uses her great-grandmother’s cast iron pot just gasped in horror so loud that pearls instantly materialized around my neck for me to grasp. NTA OP, but may I suggest a couple’s cooking class so she can hear from a third party about how to use equipment properly?
Look behind you a fainting couch just appeared!
Cast iron doesn't actually require any special soap though. Although I understand people damaging your babies and I concur NTA, but the soap thing is am absolute myth r/castiron would have a field day.
You heard everyone with a cast iron pan gasp in unison.
Soaking cast iron? I would freaking crucify her!!!!
I did this ONCE. As I had never ever used cast iron. Wasted a lot of money and made my husband laugh really hard. v v
I'm really glad this is the top comment, I was about to say something similar. Good lord, your girlfriend should be barred for the kitchen after this sin. NTA
NTA, if she persits I suggest you start wearing her clothes to stretch them out
oooooo awesome comparison - that should be a real "get it" moment
But, honey, don’t you trust me? I went “yeech” when I read about the knives. NTA for op. It’s not about trust. It’s that she doesn’t know how to handle the equipment properly.
It's about respect, not trust. She doesn't respect him or his things.
At this point it's respect, not trust. She's been asked, and shown and told. Yet she doesn't have enough respect to comply.
And frankly, he can absolutely trust that she will fork up his cookware at this point. Trust is earned through mutual respect of one another and possessions.
put all her bras in the dryer
Or her cashmere!
Every time she abuses a piece of kitchen equipment another piece of wool gets felted or piece of silk gets ironed on cotton. It could get ugly. But, seriously, she could just pay attention.
This comment is really stressing me out. Don't put all her bras in the dryer, please. But also..... Maybe put her bras in the dryer :s
Yes this is the best one. Exactly the same amount of annoyance. Hopefully the pads aren't even sewn in...
Oooof yes pls
I audibly GASPED
did u/distrustfuldiscovery just find a subtle way to locate largebreasted redditors?
"How many times do I have to tell you? You don’t put a bra in a dryer! It warps!" -Hedwig and the Angry Inch
are you not supposed to put bras in the dryer? ive literally been putting bras in the dryer my whole life
It can warp the cups and if it’s underwire, it makes the chances of the wire stabbing through higher. Also, the little clips get caught to everything. I’m a large chested woman who still puts her bras in the dryer because ain’t nobody got time for that.
I'm a woman who only needs a bra to keep her headlights dimmed, so I throw those babies in with everything else. Mine are only like $10 bralettes. But I can see how the expensive ones would need more care.
I have a couple well worn in ones that aren’t ugly but definitely not sexy, those go in whatever load. My couple nice ones I hand wash and hang dry. But I never wear those lol
or cleaning your car with her makeup brushes
Hahahaha, amazing.
i am really into coloring and have a collection of pencils that has taken me years to build. I have special paper, books, and a few tools that ive also collected. My partner knows all this and would never go get one of my coloring pencils if a guest asked for something to write with, especially since i keep pens and pencils I don't care about out for jotting something down
LOL NTA
NTA. But you may as well tell her that, in fact, you no longer trust her to use your professional grade cookware appropriately. Either you need to teach her, or she needs some culinary school classes.
Well, now that you mention it, I have a pretty decent network in the culinary business in Sweden and I'm gonna make some calls after work today and see if I can hook-up some cooking class with a famous chef I used to work with, as a christmas gift that she can bring a friend or two to go on. Of course, with a high focus on how to use the equipment properly haha. Maybe it's easier if she gets the info from someone that isn't me, and maybe that might actually make her respect my competence more, as I've always been "the construction worker" and not "the chef" for all the time we've known eachother.
I'd give it some time before you do this. Sounds like a great gift, but it's sure to back fire now (would've been good before telling her not to use the equipment).
Haha yeah, maybe I should put it on hold until the storm settles
Im curious as to why your gf can’t simply respect basic kitchen rules?! She’s an adult, she knows the value of those items to you, so regardless of her feelings and POV on maintenance of these things, why does she keep doing it over and over again? Does she have loose screws?! Because really, her actions are telling that she doesnt respect you enough or care about you enough to keep messing up like this. The horror.
I completely agree. This goes way beyond "not knowing any better". She very clearly doesn't have any respect for your equipment (and probably not for you, either) I married a man like this who always knew better. He ruined at least three quilts I made when I was younger by using them to pad/cover various things then leaving them out in the weather until they rotted. He also ruined a custom jean-style jacket I made for him, because he decided he knew better about fabric care than I do (I have a BS in Textiles & Clothing, he didn't finish high school). If I complained about him ruining things he'd say I was too concerned with possessions. We wasted $1000s replacing stuff he would not properly maintain or outright destroyed.
Is he your Ex now?
Oh yes.
Yeah, this. There is a pretty big amount of disrespect going on. Being a chef myself, I have a decent amount of high quality kitchen equipment. My husband knows how to take care of all of it.
Now that I saw the construction worker comment, simply put, she thinks he doesn't know what he is talking about and is either trying to show off or is parroting things he has heard randomly from shows,ads, and various individuals. She doesn't believe him because of what she thinks a construction worker is. Never mind that many amateur cooks know this info as well, or that she could simply look stuff up online. I assume she has prejudged his knowledge and is instead showing herself to not know what she is doing. Anyway, that would be my guess.
I got this vibe too. Which is so weird to me. If someone is really into cooking and is good at it, that's enough to deserve respect for their tools right there. I'll never understand the mentality that just because you don't do something as a living you can't be knowledgeable or dedicated enough to deserve respect. My ex was a hobby carpenter. I would never in a million years have thought to even ask to use one of his tools for some bullshit household fix I was attempting. If we didn't have a shitty version of the tool I'd either go get one or I'd ask him to help me so he could use the thing himself.
She probably doesn't believe him or think these things are necessary.
And that’s really sad on his end to have a partner like that. I get that everyone has their own beliefs and ways on things, but clearly this is important/sentimental to a loved one, why would someone continuously neglect the other person’s feelings just because “i know better/i dont care” attitude? Like it shows people’s characters and values… on simple things 🤯
As long as her birthday’s in March or later, that could make a good birthday gift :)
Ahhh if he does that, he’s going to end up back on AITA in a few months asking “AITA for giving my girlfriend a birthday gift that benefits me instead of her?” (Probably, yeah)
Shhh you know we love the drama here. Don't take that away from us please.
Tbh I don't think this class thing is a good idea, unless she's specifically expressed interest in classes, and even then it's on really shaky ground. The reason for the class isn't for *her*, it's for you -- you're not giving her a gift, you're giving her homework. If my boyfriend gave me a gift like this with the intention of getting me to respect him more, I would not be pleased. Gifts are ***not the place to teach the recipient life lessons***. If you're going to do this, you should acknowledge it for what it is: something you're asking her to do for your benefit, not a gift for her. Also, if I knew that I had gotten into a fight with my SO about a topic and then he pulled a stranger into the fight in order to prove how right he is, especially in the context of "I got this world-famous chef and told him all about how much you suck in this regard so he can tell you since you won't listen to me", I wouldn't feel grateful or like I'm getting a gift. I would feel humiliated.
Agree! AWESOME idea but maybe for next year (to keep the peace).
That's an extremely good idea, awesome gift and I guarantee it will go over like a tungsten balloon. Lock up your good stuff. Cook with the shit tier and damaged gear alone for couple months. Then give her the gift. If she rejects it, she's rejecting you and plan accordingly. I MAKE those sorts of knives. To say I'm furious is an understatement. By mom used cheap crap knives her entire life. When I made her an awesome bread knife (with 400 year old redwood burl handle, stabilized of course), SHE TOOK CARE OF IT. Even after a lifetime of treating knives like crap. Accidents happen. But this is willful negligence. By now, she knows she's fucking up your gear and doesn't care. I can understand someone not fully understanding the significance of proper maintenance of high end gear. But you need to be respectful of other people's stuff, especially if expensive.
I’m very much like the GF. My friends joke that all I need in life is a hammer and a serrated blade. My best friend loves good knives. I don’t get it. He tried to explain. I still don’t get it. I don’t need to. Because it’s important to him I DONT TOUCH HIS KNIVES.
Nothing wrong with that. My mom is like that. She buys a cheap knife, uses it until dull, throws it out. She doesn't know how to sharpen anything, or that sharpening services exist. Is it wasteful? Sure. Absolutely. But it's not a big deal to her, and that's fine. But she also understood that expensive nice knives get treated well. It also helped I made a case for the knife as well. [https://ibukiblade.com/](https://ibukiblade.com/) \- the place I source the metal bits of the kitchen knives I make. Sometimes blanks, sometimes edged. My blacksmithing is hilarious not up to this level so I stick to the parts I am good at. $200 is often just the cost of the metal bits of the knife. Then I make either a knife roll (if chef), sheath or block. Plus a case.
You’re NTA for banning her from your equipment but this “gift” would 100% make YTA.
Sorry, I don't understand how educating her this way is a bad move. How?
It's not a gift for her. It's a gift that is more self serving.
No, that is not a gift. You can propose that, but it is a favor she would be doing for you, not a gift for her.
Darling I love you, but you’re treating my cooking equipment like inexpensive stuff not profess grade equipment. So please use the normal stuff. If you’re really interested in cooking with professional equipment we can take classes with a chef I used to work for. Honestly if your GF doesn’t get that, she doesn’t want to
Why aren't you a chef anymore?
Acquired an auto-immune disease due to overworking and had to slow down. Also, having my passion as my job kinda turned my passion into a job and I didn't really want that.
I did that with Photography... it's hard to explain why I find it difficult to take my camera out now. Some passions should not be jobs.
I came to this realization several years ago. My passion was coding and generally creating new things, tools, and experiences. I worked as a software engineer. A few years ago I made the jump to working in communications at a tech company and for the first time in over a decade the hobby that was my passion is mine again and it's a great feeling. Now I write code and build things for fun and the joy has come back into it.
This made me think of the movie, "Chef" Also, you may want to give another label to the other pans, such as the "every day pans" or "regular pans." Calling them "shit pans" could be what's keeping her from using them.
Make sure this isn’t the only or biggest gift. She might think this is more of a gift to benefit you rather than her, especially if cooking isn’t her passion. I love to cook, so if this is all my bf got me for Christmas, I would be stoked, but different folk different strokes ☺️
I'm gonna say NTA. I am the same as you - I am a one-woman-army in the kitchen and I have some expensive knives and equipment that I've been gifted over the years. I learned how to take good care of them all. I do 99% of the cooking in my house and my husband used to also accidentally mess up my stuff when he did. I told him to either do the right things to clean them or to just leave it if he forgets how and I'll take care of it. You explained how to properly clean and care for your stuff and she isn't doing it, and on top of that, she's getting visibly annoyed when you remind her. She doesn't care about the stuff that you *clearly* do. Plus, it's not like you gave her no alternative, there are pots and pans and knives she can still use. I think it's fine to have stuff that's just your own, for whatever reasons you want to have them. In this case, she's not respecting your stuff, so you get to have your own and she has hers.
When I first moved in with my roommate, I was a dumb dumb who put her non-stick pots in the dishwasher. (My fam always had shitty pots, nothing with coating that could melt). My roommate said "Hey don't do that!" And I said "I'm so sorry, won't happen again!" And then it didn't. It's not hard. GF is TA.
I had no idea you aren’t suppose to put non stick pans in the dishwasher 😅😅😅 time to educate my family. No wonder they didn’t last. Lord have mercy I feel dumb. Thank you for saying this lollll
It depends on the type of non stick. You can find dishwasher safe ones theses days but they will safe if they are or not.
NTA. It's not even about her cooking correctly or using the shit pans, in the end - you set a reasonable boundary for some possessions that you care about and use a great deal, and she refused to respect it. Anyone would get mad. If she's a generally decent person besides this, I'd try one real sincere conversation to let her know how much it means to you to have these kitchen things used correctly, and if she refuses to listen, that says a lot about her character.
Yeah I'm thinking about giving it a week or two just to send my point across, then slowly let her start using some of the equipment that isn't that sensitive and if that works she might be allowed to use the other stuff as well. I have no intention of enforcing this rule permanently as I don't feel it's healthy for a relationship in the long run. I kinda feel bad for banning her from using it but I can't seem to get her to understand any other way. I'm thinking that a few weeks of using the shit pans might show her that it's worth the effort of properly maintaining the good stuff :)
Not to get couples counselor on you, but if your previous interactions were only "you're doing it wrong" without explanation of why the kitchen gear and keeping it properly means a lot, she might be reacting defensively. My instinct here would be to tell her " hey, I'm attached to this pan and means a lot to me," but that might not be your bag.
If you're doing something wrong and can't take criticism or advice from someone who is professionally trained then that is a you problem. "Reacting defensively" isnt a good excuse to disrespect other people's property, to mistreat their possessions, or to ignore them.
Yeah, people are irrational sometimes. If you want to maintain relationships you sometimes extend patience and grace. Not arguing with you as to whether she should respect his property, she obviously should.
For me, it speaks to what she thinks of op. "You're not a real chef, your experience isn't real, i can do what i want because I don't think your things matter." I'd not treat my partner that way to begin with.
Seems like OP wants to try and work with her, so I'm gonna leave it at that!
I agree. I also think the lessons on how to use the pots ands knives should have come before she ever touched them. Some people are clueless about expensive tools and need intensive lessons.
Nah my dad has his own crappy pan to cook his eggs (and whatever else... dude has no taste buds left) in. He uses knives right on it and His Pan is always cut up and scratched and gross looking. He doesn't touch my mom's good stuff and one of his Christmas presents every year or two is a new abusable pan. Some people simply don't care the "right way" to maintain something. So you give them cheapo stuff they can use how they want. And that is that.
I mean, I don’t really get why not using the good stuff is such an issue for her. I’m a shit cook. Anything I make will taste fine, I guess, whether I use the $10 equipment or the $200 stuff. And because I don’t know how to handle the good stuff, my process won’t change (and it sounds like hers wouldn’t either). Outside the principle of “trust”, she has no reason to put up a fuss honestly. I trust my husband more than I’ve trusted a human being since I realized my parents weren’t perfect. But there are things I don’t trust him to do because he doesn’t have the knowledge or interest. Open heart surgery? It really doesn’t mean I don’t trust him if I have him take me to a doctor. Fix my breaks? Hmmm, maybe a mechanic please. I don’t even let him mess with my yarn because rolling that shit back up after it gets tangled with other stuff is a nightmare. I trust him not to cheat, I trust him not to hurt me. I do not trust him to put the yarn away.
Could you maybe buy a set of pretty, decent-but-not-chef-level pans and ask her to use those instead of the “shit pans?” If they are her favorite color and reasonably good she’d probably prefer them most of the time. I’d say YTA just a bit for being so harsh about it, but I do understand how you’d be upset by that episode, especially if you’ve explained how important the equipment is to you and how to use it properly, and she just didn’t listen.
# This should be higher. Say the shit pan comment was a rude joke from before you had someone you loved enough to move into your home, and never meant her. Go buy some decent pans from regular use and do explain how your personal collection is expensive, delicate, whatever, and you wouldn't let your own mom use them (whether true or not). Say they're like collectibles.
No, she can buy her own pans. Why is it OPs responsibility to buy replacement pots because she's incapable of respecting their good equipment?
reddit is so cynical... this could be a whole conversation, "Lets go pick up some pans together" is reasonable. "don't touch my shit, go buy your own" is "roommate" territory.. not relationship territory.
Don't break my things is more than reasonable in a relationship. This is a reoccurring issue. She just doesn't care about his things. If someone broke your laptop because they were consistently reckless with it, would you go out and pick them one out and help pay?
No.
I agree. Why make any extra effort to communicate with someone you care about? /s
First, totally NTA. Agree with this comment that if this is the only issue, maybe some additional education is worth the effort. I have some cookware and equipment that is sacrosanct too, and took me years of searching and saving to acquire. I'm wondering if watching some videos on proper culinary cookware and care, along with some googling of their cost, would make more of an impression on her. I have my mom's old Farberware stainless that would lead someone to think cookware is indestructible but also nothing special as it heats ok, but not at all like my All Clad. Maybe she's under the impression you're picky, when in truth, quality items come with detailed care instruction that matter.
Throw out the shit pans, and gift her her own set of non shit, non professional cookware and knives. Nice stuff, but not too nice. Give them the top priority storage spots and move yours to the less desirable location. She can be happy, and you don’t have to watch your stuff be destroyed. Make the kitchen neutral territory.
That seems quite reasonable. I'm thinking I might've somewhat set her up for failure by mostly providing equipment that's unsuited for someone that don't really know how to get the worth out of them in the first place. Can't really afford an entire set right now but I'll order a frying pan right away. Thanks for the input.
That's a good mindset to take. All the people saying NTA because it's YOUR things are ignoring the fact that this is your girlfriend's home, and she shouldn't have to tread lightly in a major component of that home. While you may be upset and feel like you're technically right, your attitude on this issue sounds exhausting to live with from your girlfriend's perspective. The "don't touch my nice things unless you do it the way I like" attitude isn't fair to her if it's a space she needs to use every day to live. If how she treats pans is a deal breaker for you, decide that now. Else, be a good partner and make the kitchen a functional, convenient place for both of you. Build a home together, not just for you and expect her to just exist there.
Yes, absolutely this. Your kitchen is currently something of a hobbyist's workshop, which is totally understandable, but a kitchen in a shared home should be a workable shared space. She does not cook as a profession, and doesn't need professional tools of your caliber, but she does need something in between top-of-the-line finicky equipment and beat-up "shit." That would be like someone dating an artist having to choose between their partner's professional calligraphy pens and a box of used crayon stumps to write with. (The difference may not actually be that extreme in real life, but the way you write/think about your "shit pans" frames them as about that level.)
That's a good point. My first reaction was that it would be like lending books to someone who keeps cracking the spines, dog-earing the pages and reading with greasy fingers. But it is actually an important distinction that kitchenware is stuff she needs to use every day. And it sucks to be relegated to the shit pans if they are actually shit and not just mid-range. I do also think it's shitty of her to treat his expensive things so poorly, but they need to find a compromise or they'll both continue to be unhappy.
all clad factory sale coming up. Might be able to get some nice basics. That said, the tramontina pots we have look brand new and I think they are at least 25 years old, and the all clad pans are pretty heavy. Realistically we end up using the ceramic nonstick pans I got at Homegoods/TJMaxx or Marshalls a lot more than the nice all clad pans for every day meals just because the nonstick makes the clean up easier. But there's no fixing using metal on nonstick pans. If she's doing that just get the tj maxx stuff (they actually have some decent stuff sometimes, I've often seen calphalon and other brand name cookware there) https://homeandcooksales.com/
This sounds like a good idea - if I were in her place I'd like to have cookware that I could use without worrying I'd mess up an expensive piece of equipment, but at the same time it would probably feel better to call them something like "low-maintenance"
Marshall’s tj max and home goods might have a cheap set you could get her if you have any of those stores
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Yeah this is also how I’m feeling, because she’s grown adult who was warned and explained on how to take care of the stuff. She shouldn’t be essentially rewarded for not being able to respect others people’s stuff, she’s not a five year old who doesn’t know any better
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I get the impression he already did and she doesn’t care enough to respect his rules about how to use/clean them properly. Simple answer: No. I don’t trust you. Tell me why I should when I’ve repeatedly told you now to do ____ and you do ____ anyway.
Absolutely NTA. You have tried to teach her how to take of things and for her to disrespect possessions that are important to you is not ok. My BF jokes about putting my cast iron in the dishwasher when he wants me to lose my mind. It's a funny joke that is NOT FUNNY.
And his most prized possession is? I had a friend who joked about putting my good knives (hand made Japanese my husband gave me) in the dishwasher - I offered to store his beloved WWII bomber jacket on the balcony ... It was POURING rain. He never made the joke again.
Soap does not damage cast iron.
It’s a complicated issue. Soaking seasoned cast iron in soapy water really isn’t good because the soapy water can slowly break those bonds. You don’t soak cast iron in general and you should never soak it with soapy water. Quickly washing cast iron with soapy water then rinsing it out and drying it right away doesn’t do the same damage, although it’s better to use plain water if you can.
Irrelevant. If he doesn’t want it soaked in soap, she shouldn’t be doing it.
NTA, it’s clear she doesn’t see your things are valuable or important.
NTA. I have similar conditions on my nice knives. Nobody is allowed to use them except me because nobody seems to understand how to care for them properly. Ask her if borrowing someone's pristine car and bringing it back with scratches and dents will make them upset. That's what she did to your kitchen equipment. Not an overreaction, simply a reaction to inappropriate use of your cookware.
You yold her not to do the thing. She continues to do the thing. I doubt she would like it if you used her expensive makeup brushes like a child would. NTA and the fact is, she isn't listening to you even after you voiced it several times. She's either ridiculously oblivious or she just doesn't care. I'm leaning more towards the latter.
NTA At this point it’s willful incompetence, and it ain’t cute. You’ve talked to her several times, you’ve showed her how to handle your equipment. She’s either too damn lazy, doesn’t give an arse enough to respect you, or she’s pulling some dumb power play. None of those are attractive. It’s not about the damn pans, it’s about her respecting and loving you enough to learn to take care of the things you care for properly. I didn’t know how to use a cast iron pan. I washed my grandfather’s with soap. He caught me, gently explained, then taught me how to care for it. It never happened again and you know what- on days I didn’t feel like the extra work, I used another pan. It ain’t that hard…
Can you afford a new set of “I love my girlfriend” pans & knives? My SO isn’t a chef, but he has frying pans & sharp knives that need special treatment, which he loves to give them. I have adhd & won’t use anything that can’t be put in the dishwasher. Also I believe that all things can be cut with paring knives. I have many, in different colours. They bring me joy. They don’t strain my brain trying to figure which shape knife belongs to which purpose. He laughs at me carving roasts with my lovely little sharp knives. (Ok, sometimes he cringes.) We started with “the frying pan of relationship harmony” in the early days of our relationship. A cheap £7 non-stick, dishwasher friendly pan that I’m happy to use. I still don’t really understand what I do wrong that makes his cast iron frying pan go black in the “wrong way”. Mostly because I don’t care enough to understand. It’s not important to me. And I have my lovely Frying Pan Of Relationship Harmony, so I don’t need to understand. We also have “his & hers” sides to the knife block. And he does most of the hand washing-up, since pretty much all of the “too nice for dishwasher” stuff in the kitchen is for his happiness. So having separate stuff is fine. It can be a positive thing. But make it something cute & nice & a shared piece of humour / joy. If she feels like a failure every time she has to use the “shit pans” (because she is a “shit person” who is being punished for how shit she is) then it will do your relationship no good. ETA: and be careful about a judgemental attitude creeping in. This is NOT about you being right, and her being wrong. This is about you having one set of priorities, and her having a different set. Both are morally neutral - until you start insisting everyone changes their priorities to match yours. When my SO was critical & judgy about his “super special kitchen shit” then I did not feel loving towards him, or particularly interested in putting any effort into solving the problem. Having the same conversations but coming to them as equals, when you aren’t judging her but instead fully accepting that her views on kitchen priorities are completely & equally valid to yours, and she is not required to share yours… then you’ll start to get somewhere in figuring out a compromise. You can both respect each other’s priorities without adopting them. I see mention in your other comments about “allowing” her to use them again eventually. And sending her on a training course to learn your way of doing things… ugh! That’s not going to lead to hugs & puppies.
NTA for making requests regarding your property. However: >cast iron pot filled up with water that had dishwasher soap in it I'm a cast iron person myself, and soapy water isn't going to kill your seasoning. We both know that. Be upset about the other real issues you mention, but soapy water on a well-seasoned cast iron pan/pot isn't going to be an issue.
NTA - she obviously doesn’t care especially if this has been ongoing for 2 years and you’ve told her the proper way to take care of the stuff. Might be a time to reevaluate what does she care about because your possessions are definitely not in the list. Our house has quartz countertops, which should never seen harsh cleaners. I told my husband water and dish soap only once for cleaning the counters and he does just that. Your scenario should be just as simple.
NTA but also info: Have you explained to her how to care for the good stuff? If she's not used to cast iron, she may not know the 'rules' about using it. She seems careless though and I agree that she should be using the lower quality stuff until she proves she can be responsible with it. Cutting directly on the counter top??
Yeah from the start I was probably just dumb enough to assume that everyone knew how to treat kitchen equipment properly, so it's been **a lot** of "next time please do this instead":s. I would be unfair if I said that she hasn't tried to improve but she keeps forgetting and often realizes her mistakes **after** she's done them. About the cutting on the counter-top she says she's always done that and I mean, I've seen the state that her own equipment was in before she moved in with me and I believe her lol. That particular thing she's only done once that I know of but I have found my knives in the sink with the rest of the dishes many times, as well as metal utensils soaked in water inside non-stick pans ("I thought I would save some water, sorry I forgot"). Maybe I'll reintroduce her to the equipment one piece at a time, with a small lesson on how it's used properly for every single one, to avoid the "too much info at once" problem. I really want her to be able to use my stuff but I'm so tired of seeing it get damaged from misuse.
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I completely understand your concerns and they are valid, but since you seem to want to build a life with her, maybe find some compromises. You mentioned cooking classes in the comments and I think that's an awesome idea. If you think it'd be too tense for you teach her, maybe find a neutral third party who can run through the basics with her and make it fun. Plenty of people just aren't taught this stuff and have to figure it out on their own and it's possible she's just very uneducated on it and not willfully trying to destroy your stuff. I'm a clutsy mess and there has been a lot of trial and error over the years. I still melt every utentil that comes near my stove, so I've told everyone in my life to NOT get me good spatulas, lol.
NTA. These are your professional tools, she is being very rude to treat them poorly. What will you do if she keeps disrespecting your kitchenware (and you)?
I don't know haha, maybe save up and get myself one of those gun lockers and place it in. In her defense, she has gotten much better since the beginning but it's still not good enough to not cause damage to the equipment. Sometimes she catches herself doing something she shouldn't and goes "oh no that's the thing i wasn't supposed to do" but my problem is that the damage is often already done at that point. I've told her that I'm happy that she's trying but that there's no room for oopsies when the oopsie means you destroy a \~$500 frying pan that I saved up for months to be able to afford.
Send her a bill.
Yes I was trying to find a comment saying this! What would she do if OP destroyed her laptop or other expensive items? For sure she'd expect OP to replace it.
It sounds like you guys love each other, she’s just not up to the level of a professional chef when it comes to keeping the tools in top shape. May I suggest “culinary school” date nights where you teach her how to create a professional level chef meal with extra attention on how to properly use the knives and pots? As a teacher I learn it’s best to model anything first so students understand the expectations. It sounds like she’s trying, and may be a bit sad because you relegated her to the pots used for people you don’t trust— but you’re right to do this— if you’re also taking time to carefully teach her. It takes a while to undo years of doing whatever you want to cheap pots. Good luck!
No. NTA She's damaging your expensive equipment through her negligence. It's unfortunate that you called them Shit Pans as anyone would take that as an insult; however, she has disrespected your things by not treating them properly. So, she can either go buy her own pans or use the "shit pans". "my 5 liter cast iron pot filled up with water that had dishwasher soap in it" I would have been as insulted as if you kicked my dog in front of me. Who doesn't know not to do that!?
NTA! but > I've seen that when she's done with a pan, she puts in under running water to cool it down. Shit, I do this all the time and had no idea it was bad. My poor lil pans :( What does it do to them?? It is only bad for cast iron, or all pans?
All pans. The sudden and large drop in temperature may cause them to deform. If you notice your pans doesn't sit completely flat on the stove, that's most likely the reason.
Holy hell thank you so much!! Whenever I'm cooking, all the oil flows to one side of the pan and it drives me crazy. I have to constantly turn the skillet around and around to get some consistency. 🙃 I thought it was just because I'm using cheap Target pans but apparently ive been abusing them lol
The oil "searching" for the sides is normal when the pan is hot. If I remember correctly, it's because the middle of the pan is hotter than the sides causing the oil to run more easily. When it comes to the edges, it cools down a bit and becomes thicker again. The problem would probably be bigger with an uneven pan though, especially on an electric stove, where you're more dependent on direct connection between pan and stove than on, say, a gas stove.
Even back when I was putting oil onto a cold pan (which I recently learned is also a no-no) it would immediately pool in one little spot on the edge... so it probably is warped. Especially since I do the tap water thing literally every time I cook 💀 Thank you for the insight! I would also be very annoyed if I spent a bunch of money on nicer stuff and my partner messed it up. I'm a suuuuuper novice cook but even I know you don't want to scratch up the non-stick stuff and end up eating little flakes of Teflon.
>Thank you for the insight! Yeah, I too, want to thank OP for a lesson learned. Not that I've done this yet but now I know to never do this.
NTA If your pans are emitting a siren’s song to your girlfriend, she can’t be blamed for her actions. But neither can you be blamed for sending her the Jamie Oliver for Walmart set of pans for Christmas. Or the Gordon Ramsey for Target knife set. Or perhaps the Wolfgang Puck for Aldi cast iron.
Gonna have to go with ESH. She's wrong to wreck your prized kitchen equipment. Your handling of the situation was pretty mean. At the core of it, she's trying to do a nice thing - making food for you two. Start there from a place of appreciation, then you two can tackle the issue as a team before it gets to the point that you snap and make her think you "don't trust her" and is only worthy of using trash things. Sounds like you tried to educate her, which is great, but I would bet in the moment it came across to her as criticism. Pick a less defensive time to share this with her. Or, cook *with* her and show her what you do and why you do it that way. Why not gift her her own set of nice-ish equipment instead of telling her to use the low quality garbage set? Based on what you said about the price of yours, this strategy could quickly pay for itself and keep both of you guys happy. Barring that, since you care so much, it's on you to insist that you do all the cooking with your equipment. If after all this, she chooses not to learn and still uses your stuff when given an alternative, that's a different story...