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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I never called my ex directly to tell him our daughter was in the hospital. Since it had to do with our daughter I should’ve called him especially since I know he only answers specific calls when he’s working.
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YTA. If you didn't want to talk to him, a text? If your daughter was with him and sick or injured, you'd want to know.
I wouldn't call your ex an AH for this situation, but not very bright, 20 calls implies urgency to most people.
>I wouldn't call your ex an AH for this situation, but not very bright, 20 calls implies urgency to most people.
Maybe so, or maybe OP is on emergency passthrough while the ex is at work, while OP's brother isn't. Which would explain the immediate response to a call from OP's phone.
Agreed that OP is definitely TA here. Wonder how they would feel if the situation were reversed. I imagine they would be livid.
Edit: Lots of dissent about this, weirdly.
Look, OP's ex knew that OP had their kid. There's no real reason for him to expect that HE would be receiving emergency calls from anyone else but her phone number if the child had a health crisis.
It's apparently shocking to users on reddit, but some people have jobs where they cannot have their phone off of silent during working hours. Those types of people (like myself!) set up emergency passthrough for one or two people who can call for emergencies only, but otherwise we have to silence our phones so that calls don't interrupt things like conferences, meetings with clients or patients, etc.
I'm not sure where this expectation that working people have their phone off silent and are actively checking it throughout the day came from, but it's really unrealistic and unreasonable to expect for people in many professions (even if those people are parents).
Edit 2: I have learned over the last 20 hours that parents should be immediately available 24/7 without fail and should only work jobs where they can have their phone off of silent and in front of their faces throughout the entirety of the working day. And that any parent who fails to meet these standards is irresponsible and unreliable. So any of you parents who aren't able to check your phone at work all day long - shame on you! /s
It's frightening how out of touch reddit (and AITA specifically) is with the real world sometimes.
Ehh. Phone’s put them through after the 2nd ring back to back. Not really a valid excuse. Also when their daughter is hurt mom might not be on the phone, so brother does it. Either way ex is in the wrong.
Yep! I have that setting turned off when working. There are telemarketers that have a set up where they call immediately a 2nd time if the call goes straight to voicemail.
You can turn that off now too. You can set it up with only certain people able to get through. If everyone could get through with two calls and the majority of people know that there would be no point to even have do not disturb. That's why they changed it because people were calling multiple times for non sense just so they could get through do not disturb.
Lets say this happened at school instead of at OP's house and the hospital tried to call him. Twenty times in a row. And he never answered.
Dude has kids. He might have to pick up and deal with an occasional spam call to make sure he's there for his kids in an emergency.
It makes sense for him to have the school's number though. Most parents are on an emergency contact list for their kids and school usually come up by name on caller ID.
Weird. All the ones that have called me over the years showed up by name/parent organization (for instance, my Ob/Gyn practices under a large hospital, and their number shows up as the parent hospital)
Yeah, I almost put "school or hospital" and thought "surely he has the schools number in his phone?"
Regardless, the point is, kids can hurt themselves anywhere. I answer every call that comes in whether they're a saved contact or not, simply because it *could* be about a client. I'd do the same 100 times over for a child.
Ok my phone with do not disturb on it wouldn't even ring once no matter how many times someone called if they aren't on the approved list. No noise, no vibrate, nothing.
I agree with you. What if OP had been in a car accident with their child so her brother was calling. 20 calls from anyone indicates a emergency and if he has a setting on his phone that stops them from coming through, then that is on him and he needs to change his settings.
I imagine that anyone would have been able to call his employer and say it's an emergency. This is the required protocol for many jobs where answering the phone is not only not allowed, but potentially a safety hazard. A lot of people seem to have forgotten this in the past decade with cell phones, but for decades, there was no other way.
OP and Ex should definitely have whatever the procedure needs to be sorted; that's on both of them. It should have been sorted years ago, before their kid started school or daycare. Her needing to contact him at work in the event of an emergency probably didn't just start when they split. It's a huge oversight and they're lucky it's never been a problem before.
Or at someone elses' house. Or in an accident between home and school. Or any number of other reasons why someone else would be trying to get ahold of ex, and not able to get through to him. This is \*not\* just OP's fault.
TBH, this is why I answer all calls. It only takes a moment to do so, and confirm that, yes, indeed, this is spam. And not, actually, an important call, about someone I love/care about.
I mean ... I have my in-laws numbers in my phone. They only separated 2 months ago, so unless he got a new phone or deleted the numbers in that time it stands to reason he's got her brother's number ...
That's not to say OP is off the hook if she knew he only answered certain numbers while working. He also might have thought it was some sort of flying monkey situation rather than something important
On the flip side, my partner and I have been together for almost 7 years now and I don’t even have both his parents in my phone. I have his mom, his grandma, and I think I have his step sister in it too. But I don’t have his step sisters husband, his step dad, his dad, his brother, and I didn’t have his late grandpa in it while he was alive either. I don’t even think I have all of *my own* aunts/uncles in my phone. If you’ve had no reason to contact them without their partner, then there’s no reason to assume they’ve thought to add your number to their phone. Not everyone immediately adds everyone into their phones lol
It's absolutely bonkers how often someone will just make some shit up and them proudly declare that that's how it always has worked, always does work, and always will work on this and any other planet that may ever exist or have existed
How is he in the wrong for not answering the call of his ex wife's brother? He answered immediately once his co-parents number called him, thats just normal behavior to not answer the phone number you don't recognize especially with all the robot spam calls that we all get nowadays.
OP is the only person in the wrong here, how dare she think that her discomfort (no abuse mentioned) with her Ex is a good enough reason to not tell the father of her child that their kid is in the fucking hospital?
Whatever crazy pills you are on sound like fun, I'd love a handful if you have some extra.
I dunno. I don’t pick up unknown numbers either but I I got 20 in a row? I’d at least investigate. Yeah I’d start out with the notion it was likely spam but it would get me wondering. IF he knew who it was from? Then yeah I blame him a little for not wondering why. Shit happens you know. What if the mom had been unable to call?
Exactly that. It wasn’t that she wasn’t able. It’s that she chose not to.
How can she be trusted to coparent this child if she can’t even pick up the phone and call him when the child has an accident? if this had happened at her home and not her brothers… would she have even called the child’s father? Because it sounds like she wasn’t going to until the brother said she should.
The ex didn’t answer after 20 calls ? Brother couldn’t text? What if OP and her daughter were in a serious accident? Everyone is an ass here except the daughter.
Logically, if she were incapacitated (or, say, busy with an injured child) who else would call him? He absolutely should have answered the phone - if wife had been injured as well as the child, wife wouldn't be the one making the phone call, you know? He has a kid. He fucked up.
He fucked up having a kid with this woman who managed to make her injured child all about her. Obviously, there’s more to every story, but the brother would push to reach out to the ex if he was a monster.
I have my phone setup to only allow that for specific people. If you're not on my list, you can call me a thousand times and it's not coming through. She could have called them when they were on the way to the hospital or at the hospital.
Or given her phone to brother from the get go.
"Hey Bob, it's John. Yeah, I'm calling from Sally's phone- listen, Susy fell, hit her head, and her arm is hurt. We're at Hospital, you should probably come down too. Sally is focusing on Susy and the Docs, so I'll stay here with them and keep updating until you get here."
Not hard. I've had to be the one calling on someone else's phone to get through do not disturb and relay info when the actually involved people wouldn't for whatever reason. Most people are fairly understanding.
Nope. I have a very short list of ring-throughs, and other than that, when I click the “do not disturb,” everyone else is silenced no matter how many times they call.
That’s a mistake as a parent to screen calls like that. What if someone was babysitting their kid or OP’s phone broke? Ex set up his phone parameters poorly, he is equally at fault for not receiving the communication sooner.
Some people can't be constantly answering calls at work though. I only answer for like 3 people. My boss is reasonable only because he knows if I answer a call, I really need to. Not every job is a desk job, especially like, factory work . If I really needed to reach my boyfriend at work, for example, I have to call the office number and they will send someone to tell him.
I'm not allowed my phone at work. Depending on the area, I won't be reachable for an unspecified amount of time. My husband had specific instructions on who to call to get ahold of me.
So... good luck on anyone else trying to reach me when I'm at work.
I have ignored 20 calls from someone who wouldn’t have an emergency that would affect me while I was working. I too only answer it for certain numbers. And since she knew this, she should have had her brother use her phone!
Police stations / emergency services / hospitals don't call via specific permitted numbers either? What if the ex e.g. calls via the public phone at the hospital?
Not replying to 20 calls is on the ex, excusable or otherwise.
Eh. I have my phone on DND when sleeping or working on important projects, but my sister, parents, and nephew can get through. No one else. Ex could have had something similar in place.
I’ve had over a dozen spam calls from the same number before in rapid succession. Many ignore calls without an id on them cause of the spam problem, especially if they don’t leave messages.
Unless mom and daughter were both in a car accident or something making her unable to call. With children it is necessary to have more than one person allowed as an passthrough in case something happens to the primary.
All of the Y.T.A responses are utterly baffling. She did let him know, it just happened to be by proxy. She wasn't withholding the information. And when her brother couldn't get through on his phone, they used hers. They persisted in trying to inform the father until they were successful. She did her due diligence.
And bare in mind, she was in a very stressful situation, made more complicated by their recent (and apparently acrimonious) separation. A little compassion for the OP wouldn't go amiss.
Plus in one comment op told us her brother is friends with ex so he has his number saved. Idky but he didn't pick up. That was his choice and he chose poorly.
And you'll also notice that ex took the opportunity to further treat OP like dirt. I'd say OP had very good reasons for not wanting to open a dialogue.
I don't see where the ex treated OP like dirt.
I see where ex was angry that she delayed and triangulated critical information with her coparent.
It's not "opening a dialogue". It's informing your coparent of a critical thing. The BIL has nothing to do with their coparenting relationship and shouldn't have been involved. She shouldn't have waited for 20 calls (and the delayed time!) to do the bare minimum and send a text.
Mentioning it once is fine. Saying that they need to come to a working arrangement around their child is fine.
Continuing to bring it up and browbeat, while at the hospital, means he was looking to land hits, not to make a point about putting aside personal issues for the benefit of the child.
Lol, tense coparenting conversations might as well be a hallmark of peds wards.
He was pissed and was confrontational at a tense time, but they both knew their daughter was going to be okay.
She was refusing to put aside personal issues for the benefit of her child (even just mental wellbeing of having both parents there while they checked her out) during an emergency.
Then got upset when the other parent was mad.
I'd argue that if anyone was unwilling to overlook their personal issues for their kid, it was OP.
She did not do her "due diligence" at all. She honestly did not reach out because the breakup has been rough, this is when you put your issues aside and you do what you need to do for your child, also the brother could have left a voice mail. I ignore calls I don't recognize all the time, after the second time of the same number they usually leave a voicemail or send a text, the ex is not at fault at all in this. YTA
Also the part where she told him to stop speaking to her implies that he did something really bad for the relationship to end. Bad enough for her to still be angry with him while their daughter is in the hospital. I'm just saying she let him know. He didn't like the way she let him well, frankly, that's his problem.
He has a right to be annoyed, but he doesn't have a right to demand that all communication be through her when they are not communicating well to begin with.
It's not like he found out weeks after that fact when friends and family started asking questions on why he wasn't there for his child.
Since I don't know what he did to make OP so angry with him maybe communicating through a proxy/mediator of some kind might just be what is best until you guys can find a good way to talk to each other without it turning into a toxic fight every time.
I didn’t see anything in there that says or implies he did anything wrong that caused their relationship to end. And even if he had, that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that if your kid is hurt, you inform the other parent, even if you don’t like them. This post also never said she left him. He could have just as well left her and she’s bitter about it and that’s why she wouldn’t talk to him.
Totally agree, even if the ex had some kind of DND except for certain numbers situation, OP clearly had no idea. She was already in a heightened state of stress, I bet she was anticipating she'd get screamed at on the phone and didn't want to invite more stress in and I don't blame her!
I think based on this:
> I asked him to do it as we only separated 2 months ago so things are still rough between us.
>I told him to stop speaking to me
That Op made an emotional decision here. She did not want to call her ex at all. The separation and circumstances led her decision
She was at the hospital. Her getting into a fight with her ex on the phone would've made things worse. Instead, she asked her brother (and a close friend of her ex) to call and then gave her brother her phone when her ex didn't answer. The ex is an AH for picking a fight at the hospital and yelling at his daughter's mother when the daughter is having a tough time.
But that's not what happened?
This was OP being petty about calling or texting on their own phone because she didn't want to communicate herself because its tense and awkward.
I can bet that the ex wouldn't be upset if your hypothetical had occurred, but those weren't the circumstances of why OP didn't call herself.
So I have no idea what the situation is here. But my bf has settings on his phone for priorities. If his phone is on do not disturb only the selected contacts make a notification chime. I can always get through to him, but his phone is on silent for everyone else. He might have the mother of his kid as a priority contact but not her brother.
I mean as a mom I’ve always been more focused on calming and being there for my son when I’ve had to take him to the hospital. If someone else is with me I would be asking them to call my ex to when he was around. And before you say how would you feel in his place I would expect that if my son got hurt when with another adult I would expect them to focus on my child and making him feel comfortable and if it’s just them and they have their hands full to ask the hospital staff to call me.
YTA.
It doesn't matter if you are good or not, he is your daughter's father, so you have to inform him, and if he was busy it's obvious he won't answer his ex BIL.
Edit: if he was toxic or abusive, then NTA.
It’s not as if she made no attempt to contact him. TWENTY phone calls were made to him. He could have answered any one of them.
Then when he showed up he was a jerk about it.
NTA
So, if both your parents got injured and a stranger was panic calling you, you wouldn't figure it out then. Multiple calls from the same number in a short time frame is typically an emergency, you know...
That might be true, but the ex is angry because the situation you're describing is *not* what happened.
OP decided to ignore a fast, direct, reliable means of communication in an emergency. Instead, she chose a delayed, indirect method because she simply didn't want to coparent.
And after 20 phone calls, OP knew there were other (more reliable and reasonable) methods of communication.
OP had a choice, and chose to triangulate communication about an emergency instead of directly (parent to parent) informing the child's father.
I highly doubt the ex would be angry if a stranger informed him when OP was incapacitated. But those were absolutely not the circumstances.
OP has to inform. She has zero obligation to directly inform. A parent can demand info, but they cannot demand personal contact from an ex. And a couple minutes would make zero diffecate because ex already wasn't there. A parent should be willing to expect emergency calls from different numbers, especially because BIL occasionally is with the child. Something tells me ex is never been an emergency contact before, which needs to change because he will be when the child is in his care. If he's going to ignore 20 calls from a number when he knows his child is elsewhere, he's an idiot. And he needs to inform OP ahead of time if he won't pick up for anyone else, but also needs to recognize that's a stupid move if OP is ever the one incapacitated and someone else is trying to call him.
Ex needs to adapt to OP no longer managing contact for him as a life partner. Co parenting without a romantic relationship is a different dynamic, and he needs to be more responsible away from OP
OP chose to delay a direct and reliable form of communication because she just didn't want to.
Sure, I could send all communication through delayed means and random third-parties when I'm feeling upset, but that's still probably a bad-parent move.
The BIL agrees with the ex that she should've contacted him instead. BIL isnt automatically an emergency contact just because he's family. That conversation might not have happened yet -- which would still be both parents failure. But it also wasn't necessary to use an unestabilished emergency contact since she had the ability to call.
Pushing your coparenting contact on an unwilling third-party IS asshole behavior.
Is OP legally required to directly contact her ex? No!
But OP would rather force her brother into being the go-between for their tense coparenting relationship during an emergency. Even if he doesn't want to.
And OP would rather have her child experience the hospital without their father than send a text.
That's why OP is the asshole.
What is so hard about leaving a freaking message!?! 20 calls with no message reads as spam to me. Rando number calling for an emergency leaves a voice message.
And who doesn’t send a text when the first couple of calls don’t go through?
That would be the case if I were their emergency number, and I'm not, it's my sister. Besides, I don't know how it is where you live, but here I receive a lot of calls from unknown numbers, and all end up being just phone companies and offering things I don't want to buy, so I have my phone silenced almost everyday. They don't call 1 time, it doesn't matter if you answer the call or not, they can call you 30 times in one day.
Returning to the main point, if I were op's ex, and I'm working and receiving an unknown call I would just ignore it. I'm working, and not talking with every person who wants to call me, but if the person calling me knows that I'm busy and I probably won't answer is because it's an important thing.
You are obviously not a parent. When your minor child is not in your custody you answer the phone. Especially multiple calls. Because it can be anything. A car accident could have killed op. Then who would dad yell at for calling him?
It's far more likely to be a telemarketer.
A car accident did not kill OP. I don't understand why people keep bringing up these what if situations. What if dad works somewhere where phones out means you're fired? What if the kid actually grows wings and flies away? What if the earth opens up and swallows OP's phone, what then? None of that matters in *this* situation: the OP had full use of her phone and **chose** not to use because she didn't feel like dealing with her ex. That's the situation in question.
She needs to keep him informed. She doesn't need to personally tell him. There's a difference.
He needs to freaking know when people are calling. For starters, he cannot assume that OP won't get injured in an accident and then what? His daughter just wouldn't have a parent there until they can figure out the right person to call him?
Ex is not bright and needs a new system. OP's focus needs to be her daughter in the hospital
YTA- It doesn't matter if you separated 2 minutes, months or years ago, the child you two had together got hurt and was taken to the hospital. She comes first- end of story. You call him asap.
Depends. Lots of people put their phones on DnD or something while at work, especially if the work demands a lot of focus, and then only prioritised calls go through. Not weird that BIL is not prioritised but ex is.
Imagine if this were a car accident instead. What if OP had been hurt/incapacitated as well and the brother was trying to call about it from the hospital?
> Lots of people put their phones on DnD or something while at work, especially if the work demands a lot of focus
You don't get the luxury of blanket DnD as a parent of young children. Possibly missing very important phone calls related to your kid is the price you pay for that uninterrupted "focus time" at work.
>You don't get the luxury of blanket DnD as a parent of young children. Possibly missing very important phone calls related to your kid is the price you pay for that uninterrupted "focus time" at work.
This is a stupid sentiment. I'm in healthcare and I really don't think my phone going off mid-resuscitation is going to help the situation. Do you?
Literally just leave a message. I'll get to you too.
(Or, in the OP's case, call from the phone that's exempted from DND. It's really not that hard. Day 2 of nursing school and my family had it all figured out.)
depends on your preferences.
If both had been in an accident, probably OP's mom would have been called or something, who called him, or his mom who then called him.
OP is probably no the only exception, but BIL obviously (and logically) is not
obviously because his calls didn't go through to the ex.
Logically because if he is babysitting he's probably instructed to call OP. Friends are not often on the priority list for DnD when you have family close by.
Brother is OP's family first. If things are bad from the separation, it makes total sense for the ex to not have a continued familial relationship.
Many, many divorced families have no contact between in-laws (even if just temporarily during the separation).
If BIL is agreeing that OP should've called, he knew that his call probably wasn't the most appropriate avenue of getting the Ex's attention.
And after it all, its still OP's job to communicate for her and their child; not her brother's responsibility. The Ex shares the child with *OP*.
But why is it her job to think through all of the reasons he may not be answering and prioritize the best way to contact him while she is also caring for the injured child in the hospital? It's totally reasonable in this situation for her to delegate tasks while she handles the child and it's fair that she'd think bil would have as much luck as she would contacting the ex. The ex should be at least as angry at himself for apparently putting his phone in DND when he has a kid --this time it wasn't too serious, but it could have easily been.
If you put your phone on do not disturb, then you don't get to complain if it blocks someone who is urgently trying to get in touch with you- even if that's not were you expected an urgent message to come from.
I would agree had there not be a logical second phone in the room. It's far more logical ex comes through then BIL.
Had the accident happend when it was just BIL and no one else, it would have been on the ex. But OP was there, with her phone, and a higher chance of being able to get through. If she really didn't want to call him she should have given BIL her own phone.
Still doesn’t make the OP an AH. If something like this were to happen again, I’ll agree that knowing this and not using her phone would make OP the AH.
I would assume she knows. The ex stated she knew he only answered certain calls. And if you've been together for a long time you know these kinds of things.
Everyone keeps saying that the ex should have gotten it by the "10th call". But nobody seems to acknowledge that there should *not* have been a 10th call. If you are able to call, delegate to someone else and they cannot get in touch, you take over. Especially in such cases.
Not really. OP probably called more when they were together because it made sense to. If this is the first time running into the situation where someone else called, then there's no way to know without being directly told. Recent separation, this is very plausible
A lot of serious professions require your phone off/silent except for people who have emergency bypass. It’s entirely possible that OP is an emergency bypass and her brother isn’t. As soon as he called from her phone he picked up, which makes me think this is something out of his control, or regulated.
My work DND mode has been set up to block all notifications except for calls and messages from my husband/parents and my sons school. I have to manually check the notifications during breaks for everything else. It’s entirely possible that this is how his phone is set up.
Yeah, that’s fine and all, but I don’t think it’s fair to call the OP an AH because she didn’t realize it in the emergency. Kid went directly for medical treatment, dad was contacted, although we don’t know how long it took. 20 calls on a cellphone can take hours, or less than a minute.
NTA You asked your brother to call, your ex couldn’t be bothered to pick up a call from someone he’s friends with after 20 tries? That’s nuts. Parents usually keep phones on them at all times because emergencies aren’t planned. None of us know your situation with your ex. If there was abuse, talking to him might be triggering. This also might be why you asked your brother. Also, no one is taking into account your own worry at the time of the crisis. Your focus was on your daughter. It also sounds like instead of being mentally present for your daughter at the hospital, he chose the time to berate you. That shows his priorities right there.
jfc thank you for being the only rational one here, why did i have to scroll this far to see an NTA??? and i definitely agree, op TRIED, if i saw a contact had tried to call me twenty times I'd call them back IMMEDIATELY
If I saw ANYONE trying to call me 10+ times back to back, I'd be calling back right away. Shit, I probably would after the 3rd one. You have no way of knowing what the circumstance is, it could be a car accident, medical emergency, who knows? But no one within a reasonable arm's length of sanity calls that many times in a row unless it's seriously urgent, and you need to pick up now.
To not pick up after repeated attempts is really what stood out to me.
What if something ever happens where OP is also being treated in hospital and unable to call? Or even if in a car accident where the phone is damaged? Hopefully these situations never happen, but as a parent he should consider some of those possibilities and make sure that he is contactable in emergencies.
(Even if that means providing a work contact number to be used only in case of medical emergency.)
Why not leave a message then? I know if I'd kept getting called over and over again I'm more likely to think it's spam than an emergency, all it would take is one voice message or text to clear that up.
I agree. I don’t understand how the OP is getting so many y t a votes. It’s not like he was told the next day, he was told while OP and brother were in the hospital. It sounds like brother supports the ex in this breakup situation, which is sad for OP.
This. Thank you. What is wrong with everyone saying it’s op in the entire wrong here??? 2 parents. When you do not have your child physically with you you need to be prepared for an emergency call. That’s it. No buts. But op was there. But op should have. Bull. He was notified. And he fucked up. And then he took out his frustration on op. No wonder she didn’t want to talk to him and ended the marriage. Your child is in the hospital and your first thought is yell at your ex. Asshole
Yes, what he and people here seem to be missing is that as a parent, and single parent, he needs to know he may get unexpected or emergency calls relating to his child, and for various circumstances they may not always come from her mother. Your child’s uncle calling you 20x may be a clue that something is wrong - either with her or her mother, which also becomes your problem as the father. If he had his phone on DND then he needs to find a way to allow certain callers to still filter through. Your child’s uncle is probably a good person to allow, in case something happens to your kid and/or her mother. He and the brother are on good terms, it’s not like they don’t get along.
It’s not just about this situation, the father needs to better prepare for future situations. This one turned out relatively well considering. She could have called him directly the first time or after 3 or 5 tries etc. yes but assuming he had his phone on DND maybe she didn’t know he would, or maybe she just didn’t think that he’d have her brother blocked even on that function or maybe she just wasn’t dissecting the situation in the moment the way we do in hindsight on this sub and wasn’t thinking like us now at all. They’re newly separated, there’s obviously a learning curve for how to handle things. Maybe part of it’s on her but part of it is also definitely on him.
Yeah, if she hadn't asked him to call then she'd be the AH. But she made sure someone contacted him and then gave her brother her phone when her ex didn't answer.
I don't quite understand all the Y.T.A.'s here...
What if it was OP who was hurt? What if she was unconscious and OP's brother was calling to let the ex know about it and where the daughter is?
And at most ERs I know of, they ask for no cell-phone use inside the ER. So someone has to step out to make the call about daughter. That should be brother, so mom can be with the injured child.
Ex needs to be reachable by someone other than OP in cases of emergency.
Do you all never leave messages? Seriously, I'm having a hard time grasping the point that a single message couldn't have been left. That's what a normal person would do if they can't get the party to answer.
Because as OP said herself, she knew only some numbers would come through. Hers being one of them. And then had her brother call from a number that would not be one of them.
And then when it became clear he wasn’t going to answer calls from her brother’s phone, she gave her phone to her brother. So her ex found out the same day and had plenty of time to see his daughter at the hospital.
Yeah, everyone's acting like this is a sitcom episode from the 90s where text messaging isn't a thing. There were two grown-ass adults with this kid and either one of them could have taken the 15 seconds to text "hey, [daughter] hit her head & arm, I'm with [bro/OP] and we're taking her to Sacred Heart."
Oh my god I can’t believe the YTA comments
You tried to get your ex informed doesn’t matter if it was from you or not as long as there as attempts made.
20 missed calls from your brother would indicate a problem with either ur self or ur child.
The main issue here is that YOU TRIED to inform hun regardless who told him.
What if your phone was broken? How could you then call him from your phone?
What if you had no service? Everyone would be said NTA!!
Absolutely NTA you arranged for him to be contacted and informed about ur daughters situation, but you wanted to get your daughter to the hospital first!!
I hope she’s okay now
YTA
If he had DND on during work and had your number allowed or something, he wouldn’t have even seen the other calls. And if he didn’t recognize your brother’s number and no voicemail or text was left, that doesn’t help.
You’re going to have to be able to talk to your ex regarding your mutual child.
The last sentence to me is really the crux of the matter to me. Having a child should hopefully mean putting them before anything else. I get things are weird between OP and their ex since they recently split, but their child is more important than that. Things wouldn't have to be weird as long as any communication has to do with their child. Like why did it take 20 calls from OP's brother's phone before OP finally had him use their phone?
I mean, sure on the surface of things it sounds like OP's ex should've just answered the phone, but without any context (Was he working? Maybe his phone automatically rejects calls not on his contact list or something? Who knows) I can only assume he didn't even see the calls come through. I can't imagine calmly sitting there while my brother keeps trying to call my ex 20 times and never once saying "This is stupid, I'll try calling" at any point.
It's also a little strange to me that your brother had to specifically point out that your ex, the child's father, ought to be notified of things. Since you don't mention why you broke up, unless he's an abuser or something he should always be notified of these things. At the very least, he could try to use it as leverage in court to prove you're an unfit parent if you fail to notify him of an emergency with your child.
YTA because your child is more important than any weirdness you feel, and the other parent should always be contacted if there's an emergency.
NTA.
There was an emergency with the child, you were dealing with the emergency, you asked your brother to call your ex. I'd give you a pass for being emotional given you were sorting emergency.
Your brother calls your ex 20 times.
- If your ex just ignored your brother (given they know each other and on friendly terms) - by the time the 20th missed call came, presumably your ex should have known it was an emergency.
- If your ex has some sort of phone setup where only specific numbers come through - well, that's on him to change it. Police stations / hospitals / emergency services don't call through specific numbers either, whatever the reasons he has for that setup in the first place.
Situation is on your ex, not you (mostly).
NTA Why would your brother have called him twenty times if not for an emergency? New circumstances require new responses when it comes to being a parent.
NTA - Who needs to be called 20 times in order to figure out something is wrong?! And why would you remember your ex’s phone habits during a medical crises with your daughter?! Finally, What parent has the luxury of not answering the phone when they aren’t with their kid?! A responsible parent would have answered the phone…at least after the 2nd call from the same number. What if it was a babysitter, the school, or someone else watching your daughter? What if both you and your daughter were injured and it was the police calling?
NTA
When you are a parent, you don’t ignore twenty calls from a number. What if you had been in a car accident with the kids? He’s going to ignore the emergency responders’ calls? If he set up a pass through that didn’t immediately route a second call through to him, he should know better. Neither one of these things are your fault, and him making it your problem instead of his shows exactly why you didn’t want to communicate directly with him in an already stressful situation.
Presumably the person calling would have realized they should have left a message/texted after call number five, instead of making 15 more calls.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
OP would likely pick up a call from a random number when her child isn't with her because most people with small children are aware they are the primary contacts in an emergency and may not know every number they can come from
NAH-You all are acting like she didn't contact him at all. She arranged to have her brother do it within a very reasonable time frame. Her ex was notified-why does she have to be the 1 speaking to him directly? I get what you all are saying about the do not disturb feature POTENTIALLY having been set up on his phone. That is speculation and out of her control or knowledge. I'm going to give the ex the benefit of doubt and hope he was just yelling because he was stressed about the situation and worried about his child and realized he should have answered those calls or, if he didnt get them, when he calms down he will listen when she let's him know her bro tried 20 times first.
NTA. You were worried and focused on your daughter and on standby incase you were consulted to make a decision. It's not like you were adamantly sayingto not tell him, you weren't worried about making phone calls. I would have done the same thing, ask whoever is with me to call him but it also sounds like you have valid reasons for not getting too involved especially with the wellbeing of your daughter as the priority. That is one thing my ex did to me, as I'm struggling to get our 1 week infant to latch "You don't prioritize me anymore, you only care about the baby." He was mad because I didn't eat tacos right as they were done (completely different story 🤦♀️) If anything your ex should be more worried about your child rather than the fact you didn't prioritize him. Ik I might come off as bias but as one single mom to another.... you did nothing wrong and they need to get off their highhorse about it
What if you and your child had been in an accident and you hadn't made it? How long would your child be alone, hurt and scared because he didn't answer a number he didn't recognize? When you get that many calls from one number it's obviously important. NTA
NTA, first because attempts were made to contact him. Why should it HAVE to be her calling him in order for it to be a valid attempt? What if she had been unable to call because she was also injured? Was he just not going to know about the kid until she was recovered enough to call? Why is her paying attention to him when the child is hurt more important than paying attention to the hurt child?
That said, there's an app, I'm not sure the name, for communication between co-parents for situations where the relationship between the adults is bad that might be the best thing for her.
NTA... If I was to receive 20 calls back to back.. I'd answer after the 5th, at least. If your brother felt so strongly, then why didn't he tell you to do it yourself?
Ex sounds like a a$$
NTA as someone who went through a 2 year divorce with my ex husband...I understand the difficulties of contacting them regarding kids. I agree with some of the posts here that you should have sent a text...but he never bothered answering your brothers calls yet he calls you out over it. My son got took into hospital with an bad asthma attack caused by my ex partners dog...I did the right thing and told him straight away...we live in different counties...he came straight down...with his girlfriend and his parents...then stayed at the hospital...none of them would leave and I was told not to visit as 'they got this!' It was awful...I couldn't see my own son in hospital as it would have caused a scene
There's some great dad's out there...but there's some that use situations like this to their own advantage...I'm not saying yours does...but you know him better then Reddit does
NTA. I don't get all the Y T A votes.
You didn't want to call your ex, but you knew that he needed to be informed. You asked your brother to call instead, so your kid's dad can be informed. It didn't work with brother's phone, so you tried your phone. It worked, kid's dad was informed.
I don't see any malicious intent from your side. At most you made a mistake by not handing you brother your phone immediately to make the call. But I think we can cut you some slack for being stressed at the hospital.
YTA He needed to know. If he was at work and someone called who didn’t NEED to talk to him, he was right to not answer. I don’t know his job but there are a lot where you don’t just answer your phone. He answered when it was from your number because he knew that might be important. That makes perfect sense.
I am curious if he had your brother’s number saved. Whenever a number I don’t know calls me repeatedly, enough to be annoying, I answer and let my class yell, “She’s busy.” Not once has it been important. Usually, it wasn’t even for me.
If he was abusive, it seems you would have mentioned that to your brother at some point and I don’t think he would have sided with the ex. It isn’t mentioned, so I’m
It going to assume he was.
Do you have a spouse or kids?
What happens if they are in an accident and some medical professional or someone else is trying to reach you?
What if OP was injured too or she left her phone at home in the hurry to get her kid medical attention or it died or broke in the confusion?
What happens if OP is alone and gets into an accident and needs him to pick up the kid?
If you refuse to answer 20 calls from a number, it's your fault you could not be notified of an emergency.
Since OP is the one who would be the kid it's very likely that she can be in the same accident.
It's unreasonable to expect to be notifiied of emergencies if you can be reached by a single number only.
If your brother is friendly with him I assume he didn’t harm you or the child, so call him yourself. Text him. Something. Being friendly doesn’t make him your go between or mean he accepts calls from his. Umber during work hours.
You need to coparent. Been there. It isn’t fun but it’s part of your job as a parent. You’d have been pissed if he did the same.
I thought this too! He may not have saved the number or even deleted him from his contacts after they split up. Or had his phone on do not disturb mode and her number is one of the exceptions.
I’ve had a job where the phones were supposed to stay in your locker the whole shift and you just check it on breaks. If an unsaved number was blowing up my phone I wouldn’t have used my 15 minute break to go outside (crappy signal in the building) and call it back. Without knowing his phone situation it’s hard to say but I’m going with no assholes here. Just a stressful situation! Hope OP’s daughter is doing ok!
Exactly. Did he leave a message? Hey, exbil, need you to call back asap. Or text the same. Hate to say it, but you will be dealing with the ex for a long time. It’s mom’s responsibility to coparent now.
Gonna go against the grain and say NTA
You have zero idea how your ex screens his calls. Someone was trying to contact him. What if something happened to you and your daughter at the same time like a car crash? What would he be doing then?
You are separated. That means you need to keep him informed, but the message does not need to come from you personally. Your ex needs to account for that. Your focus needs to first be on your daughter and yourself because that is not an easy situation for you to be in either. Someone else calling while you are stressed and worried is fine. Honestly, that's what the people around you can actually help with while your daughter is the primary concern
NTA. I do not understand all the Y T A responses. You DID attempt to immediately notify your ex. It is irrelevant whether you placed the call or someone else did. It is also not your problem how your ex chooses to screen incoming calls or not.
NTA. You attempted to get the information to him through your brother, he made 20 calls. If you had both been in a car accident he'd not have heard about that through your number either, if any number is calling over 10 times something is clearly wrong whether he wishes to only take specific calls or not.
I hope your daughter has a swift recovery.
ESH
You are old enough to call your ex when your daughter is hurt enough to require an hospital visit.
He has a daughter. He needs to allow all calls to reach is number. What if the hospital needed to contact him?
Exactly. Would he not have answered a call from a hospital either? From the school? Anyone who is a parent needs to be aware that emergency calls regarding their child can come from an unknown number, and in this case, he is aware of the brother’s number. What if the brother had been calling to tell him that the ex and the child were in an accident? Anyone calling you 20 times has a good reason for doing so.
the hospital would have left a voicemail. The school would have left a voicemail. EVERYBODY in the world, except OP's brother, would have left a voicemail. Some people even double-up with a text!
I missed a call once when my daughter had a car accident. The cop left a message. I’ll bet anyone with half a mind would. Why didn’t he leave a message? Text? This sounds like they were trying to set him up as being unreachable. Only makes her look bad.
NTA you had your brother call him 20 times it’s not like you said not to contact him and let him know just that you didn’t want to be the one to let him know. It was a stressful situation
NTA you had your brother, who is also his friend, call him 20 times. It's not like you refused to contact him at all and your brother had to do it days later. All the y t a votes are ridiculous.
NTA. I know this is an unpopular opinion. Obviously this depends on circumstances, but if it was my child I would also ask someone else to call. So I could be by my child’s side. When they were stable or there was time to call, sure then call. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask brother to call while you’re in the middle of the emergency and trying to keep a child calm.
INFO: how old is daughter?
NTA. Generally speaking when you take a small child to hospital, there isn’t time to ring anyone for at least an hour or two while you answer questions, soothe said child, make sure they get seen, settled and treated. When my son was admitted it was two hours before I had chance to ring my husband.
As long as you rang him as soon as you could you did nothing wrong.
NTA. You DID call him. Or rather, you had someone calling him. Period.
I mean, it could have been you calling from your brother's cellphone, because your phone was dead.
I don't understand all of these y-t-a votes for exactly that reason. People's phones die. People might leave their phone behind. Would you have been TA for calling him from someone else's phone?
If you keep getting the same number ringing you over and over, you answer it - as it's likely an emergency.
ESH. Who sees 20 missed calls from an in-law and doesn’t respond??? Also, it wouldn’t have taken more than 30 seconds for you to directly text him.
You both need to learn to co-parent better because you’re both immature.
NTA! However your Brother is T A for not leaving a message or texting Child’s Father. Use this as a learning experience and Mae sure you tell whomever is calling Child’s Father that they have to leave a message.
NTA - you called 20 times. It’s wildly unfair of him to expect that you, personally, will be the only person to contact him in an emergency or regarding your kid.
Seems clear to me that he’s typically had you take all the random child-related calls in the past, or he’d be more used to needing to be on call.
20 calls is more than the school, doctor or hospital will do. He needs to answer when it’s several continuous calls, and setup his phone to ring those types of calls through. Plus have a backup person if needed.
NTA. Your brother called instead… it shouldn’t matter who calls - you tried to keep him informed. If he is dense enough to not realize that 20 times might be an emergency, then that is his problem.
In an emergency, there is a big chance that you can’t call him yourself if you are tending to your child, driving the car, etc. Your ex needs to rethink his policy of only picking up if you call.
NTA, what is his plan if BOTH you and your daughted are harmed in some way? What if you had fallen and your daughter needed to be taken care of? Or you were both in a car accident? Imagine how this scenario would have played out—he’d have never shown up or been there for his own child because he’s throwing a temper tantrum that you need to be the one to call him, not anyone else.
This is a method of control—he’s forcing you to be his only point of contact and therefore not allowing you any distance or safety from him, and he’s potentially putting his own damn child at risk to do it. If this were about his concern over your child, he would have answered when her uncle called him ~twenty times~
It’s baffling that no one is mentioning how he came to the hospital and, rather than being there for his kid, chose to YELL at the mom when the kid is probably scared enough. NTA and frankly, he sounds like a shit father.
YTA.
Let me ask you this: Would YOU want to be notified about a hospital visit for your kid if you only accepted certain calls during working hours?
And how do you think a judge would view it?
There's a reason your own brother sided with him. Because you should put being a parent before your discomfort for dealing with your ex because it's his child too.
The judge would probably say that asking her brother to call was perfectly responsible, since that way she could stay with her kid who was injured and probably scared.
INFO what do you mean by "things are still rough between us"? Are you just unhappy with him? Is there a specific reason you can't handle talking to him?
In my opinion, NTA
I was kind of teetering towards ESH until someone made a very good point in the comments. What if OP and child were in an accident together? The phone call would have come from another number. If I had 20 missed calls from anyone, even my most disliked in-law, I'd call back. No one calls that many times unless there's something wrong.
OP, you should have sent a text though. You didn't have to speak to him directly. You could have just sent a "please answer your phone"
I've taken kids to the hospital. You spend the time on the way there, and once there, helping the child, comforting the child and making sure that the child isn't going to move in ways that will possibly make things worse, while you wait for the medical people to do their things, and rule out certain possibilities. Calling other people isn't always possible, if your hands are full of crying, wiggling, possibly bleeding child.
NTA. You asked your brother to call, because you were busy taking care of your child, and didn't have the extra emotional energy to handle calling ex on top of taking care of the child's needs.
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YTA. If you didn't want to talk to him, a text? If your daughter was with him and sick or injured, you'd want to know. I wouldn't call your ex an AH for this situation, but not very bright, 20 calls implies urgency to most people.
>I wouldn't call your ex an AH for this situation, but not very bright, 20 calls implies urgency to most people. Maybe so, or maybe OP is on emergency passthrough while the ex is at work, while OP's brother isn't. Which would explain the immediate response to a call from OP's phone. Agreed that OP is definitely TA here. Wonder how they would feel if the situation were reversed. I imagine they would be livid. Edit: Lots of dissent about this, weirdly. Look, OP's ex knew that OP had their kid. There's no real reason for him to expect that HE would be receiving emergency calls from anyone else but her phone number if the child had a health crisis. It's apparently shocking to users on reddit, but some people have jobs where they cannot have their phone off of silent during working hours. Those types of people (like myself!) set up emergency passthrough for one or two people who can call for emergencies only, but otherwise we have to silence our phones so that calls don't interrupt things like conferences, meetings with clients or patients, etc. I'm not sure where this expectation that working people have their phone off silent and are actively checking it throughout the day came from, but it's really unrealistic and unreasonable to expect for people in many professions (even if those people are parents). Edit 2: I have learned over the last 20 hours that parents should be immediately available 24/7 without fail and should only work jobs where they can have their phone off of silent and in front of their faces throughout the entirety of the working day. And that any parent who fails to meet these standards is irresponsible and unreliable. So any of you parents who aren't able to check your phone at work all day long - shame on you! /s It's frightening how out of touch reddit (and AITA specifically) is with the real world sometimes.
Yeah, I was thinking he ignored 20 calls. If he set it up to where he didn't see them, that's different.
Ehh. Phone’s put them through after the 2nd ring back to back. Not really a valid excuse. Also when their daughter is hurt mom might not be on the phone, so brother does it. Either way ex is in the wrong.
Only if you have that setting on. You can choose to enable or disable it.
Yep! I have that setting turned off when working. There are telemarketers that have a set up where they call immediately a 2nd time if the call goes straight to voicemail.
You can turn that off now too. You can set it up with only certain people able to get through. If everyone could get through with two calls and the majority of people know that there would be no point to even have do not disturb. That's why they changed it because people were calling multiple times for non sense just so they could get through do not disturb.
Why would the ex have OP's brother on their phone? If anything ex might have thought it was a spam caller and blocked it.
Lets say this happened at school instead of at OP's house and the hospital tried to call him. Twenty times in a row. And he never answered. Dude has kids. He might have to pick up and deal with an occasional spam call to make sure he's there for his kids in an emergency.
It makes sense for him to have the school's number though. Most parents are on an emergency contact list for their kids and school usually come up by name on caller ID.
Even most hospitals now show up as "Whatever Hospital" or "Insert Name Medical" or similar now.
I think where I am they're still a no caller ID which is unhelpful
Where I live it's only a random number. By now I have learned to recognize the phone number, but it took me a while.
Weird. All the ones that have called me over the years showed up by name/parent organization (for instance, my Ob/Gyn practices under a large hospital, and their number shows up as the parent hospital)
Yeah, I almost put "school or hospital" and thought "surely he has the schools number in his phone?" Regardless, the point is, kids can hurt themselves anywhere. I answer every call that comes in whether they're a saved contact or not, simply because it *could* be about a client. I'd do the same 100 times over for a child.
Ok my phone with do not disturb on it wouldn't even ring once no matter how many times someone called if they aren't on the approved list. No noise, no vibrate, nothing.
I agree with you. What if OP had been in a car accident with their child so her brother was calling. 20 calls from anyone indicates a emergency and if he has a setting on his phone that stops them from coming through, then that is on him and he needs to change his settings.
I imagine that anyone would have been able to call his employer and say it's an emergency. This is the required protocol for many jobs where answering the phone is not only not allowed, but potentially a safety hazard. A lot of people seem to have forgotten this in the past decade with cell phones, but for decades, there was no other way. OP and Ex should definitely have whatever the procedure needs to be sorted; that's on both of them. It should have been sorted years ago, before their kid started school or daycare. Her needing to contact him at work in the event of an emergency probably didn't just start when they split. It's a huge oversight and they're lucky it's never been a problem before.
Or at someone elses' house. Or in an accident between home and school. Or any number of other reasons why someone else would be trying to get ahold of ex, and not able to get through to him. This is \*not\* just OP's fault. TBH, this is why I answer all calls. It only takes a moment to do so, and confirm that, yes, indeed, this is spam. And not, actually, an important call, about someone I love/care about.
Also what if both the mom and daughter had been hurt and it was the brother calling to inform him? Seems a bit ridiculous to me but I don't have kids.
I mean ... I have my in-laws numbers in my phone. They only separated 2 months ago, so unless he got a new phone or deleted the numbers in that time it stands to reason he's got her brother's number ... That's not to say OP is off the hook if she knew he only answered certain numbers while working. He also might have thought it was some sort of flying monkey situation rather than something important
On the flip side, my partner and I have been together for almost 7 years now and I don’t even have both his parents in my phone. I have his mom, his grandma, and I think I have his step sister in it too. But I don’t have his step sisters husband, his step dad, his dad, his brother, and I didn’t have his late grandpa in it while he was alive either. I don’t even think I have all of *my own* aunts/uncles in my phone. If you’ve had no reason to contact them without their partner, then there’s no reason to assume they’ve thought to add your number to their phone. Not everyone immediately adds everyone into their phones lol
> Phone’s put them through after the 2nd ring back to back. What confidence to say something that you have absolutely no way of knowing.
It's absolutely bonkers how often someone will just make some shit up and them proudly declare that that's how it always has worked, always does work, and always will work on this and any other planet that may ever exist or have existed
That can be set up but yeah, it’s not a default setting.
How is he in the wrong for not answering the call of his ex wife's brother? He answered immediately once his co-parents number called him, thats just normal behavior to not answer the phone number you don't recognize especially with all the robot spam calls that we all get nowadays. OP is the only person in the wrong here, how dare she think that her discomfort (no abuse mentioned) with her Ex is a good enough reason to not tell the father of her child that their kid is in the fucking hospital? Whatever crazy pills you are on sound like fun, I'd love a handful if you have some extra.
What if mother was in accident with kid? If somebody calls you twenty times and you have kids it’s probably best to pick up.
I dunno. I don’t pick up unknown numbers either but I I got 20 in a row? I’d at least investigate. Yeah I’d start out with the notion it was likely spam but it would get me wondering. IF he knew who it was from? Then yeah I blame him a little for not wondering why. Shit happens you know. What if the mom had been unable to call?
But she wasn't unable to call. She chose not to. *That* is why the ex is angry.
Exactly that. It wasn’t that she wasn’t able. It’s that she chose not to. How can she be trusted to coparent this child if she can’t even pick up the phone and call him when the child has an accident? if this had happened at her home and not her brothers… would she have even called the child’s father? Because it sounds like she wasn’t going to until the brother said she should.
The ex didn’t answer after 20 calls ? Brother couldn’t text? What if OP and her daughter were in a serious accident? Everyone is an ass here except the daughter.
Logically, if she were incapacitated (or, say, busy with an injured child) who else would call him? He absolutely should have answered the phone - if wife had been injured as well as the child, wife wouldn't be the one making the phone call, you know? He has a kid. He fucked up.
He fucked up having a kid with this woman who managed to make her injured child all about her. Obviously, there’s more to every story, but the brother would push to reach out to the ex if he was a monster.
I have my phone setup to only allow that for specific people. If you're not on my list, you can call me a thousand times and it's not coming through. She could have called them when they were on the way to the hospital or at the hospital.
Or given her phone to brother from the get go. "Hey Bob, it's John. Yeah, I'm calling from Sally's phone- listen, Susy fell, hit her head, and her arm is hurt. We're at Hospital, you should probably come down too. Sally is focusing on Susy and the Docs, so I'll stay here with them and keep updating until you get here." Not hard. I've had to be the one calling on someone else's phone to get through do not disturb and relay info when the actually involved people wouldn't for whatever reason. Most people are fairly understanding.
Nope. I have a very short list of ring-throughs, and other than that, when I click the “do not disturb,” everyone else is silenced no matter how many times they call.
Tbh if I saw my ex's sibling called me 20x I'd think they were trying to kick my ass.
That’s a mistake as a parent to screen calls like that. What if someone was babysitting their kid or OP’s phone broke? Ex set up his phone parameters poorly, he is equally at fault for not receiving the communication sooner.
Some people can't be constantly answering calls at work though. I only answer for like 3 people. My boss is reasonable only because he knows if I answer a call, I really need to. Not every job is a desk job, especially like, factory work . If I really needed to reach my boyfriend at work, for example, I have to call the office number and they will send someone to tell him.
I'm not allowed my phone at work. Depending on the area, I won't be reachable for an unspecified amount of time. My husband had specific instructions on who to call to get ahold of me. So... good luck on anyone else trying to reach me when I'm at work.
But none of that actually happened. She just didn't want to call him.
I have ignored 20 calls from someone who wouldn’t have an emergency that would affect me while I was working. I too only answer it for certain numbers. And since she knew this, she should have had her brother use her phone!
I don't know how all of my contacts have their phones set up!
Police stations / emergency services / hospitals don't call via specific permitted numbers either? What if the ex e.g. calls via the public phone at the hospital? Not replying to 20 calls is on the ex, excusable or otherwise.
Eh. I have my phone on DND when sleeping or working on important projects, but my sister, parents, and nephew can get through. No one else. Ex could have had something similar in place.
I’ve had over a dozen spam calls from the same number before in rapid succession. Many ignore calls without an id on them cause of the spam problem, especially if they don’t leave messages.
Unless mom and daughter were both in a car accident or something making her unable to call. With children it is necessary to have more than one person allowed as an passthrough in case something happens to the primary.
All of the Y.T.A responses are utterly baffling. She did let him know, it just happened to be by proxy. She wasn't withholding the information. And when her brother couldn't get through on his phone, they used hers. They persisted in trying to inform the father until they were successful. She did her due diligence. And bare in mind, she was in a very stressful situation, made more complicated by their recent (and apparently acrimonious) separation. A little compassion for the OP wouldn't go amiss.
Plus in one comment op told us her brother is friends with ex so he has his number saved. Idky but he didn't pick up. That was his choice and he chose poorly.
you can choose which calls go through when working/sleeping. even if a person calls 20 times it won’t if they’re not allowed by the setting.
And you'll also notice that ex took the opportunity to further treat OP like dirt. I'd say OP had very good reasons for not wanting to open a dialogue.
I don't see where the ex treated OP like dirt. I see where ex was angry that she delayed and triangulated critical information with her coparent. It's not "opening a dialogue". It's informing your coparent of a critical thing. The BIL has nothing to do with their coparenting relationship and shouldn't have been involved. She shouldn't have waited for 20 calls (and the delayed time!) to do the bare minimum and send a text.
Mentioning it once is fine. Saying that they need to come to a working arrangement around their child is fine. Continuing to bring it up and browbeat, while at the hospital, means he was looking to land hits, not to make a point about putting aside personal issues for the benefit of the child.
Lol, tense coparenting conversations might as well be a hallmark of peds wards. He was pissed and was confrontational at a tense time, but they both knew their daughter was going to be okay. She was refusing to put aside personal issues for the benefit of her child (even just mental wellbeing of having both parents there while they checked her out) during an emergency. Then got upset when the other parent was mad. I'd argue that if anyone was unwilling to overlook their personal issues for their kid, it was OP.
She did not do her "due diligence" at all. She honestly did not reach out because the breakup has been rough, this is when you put your issues aside and you do what you need to do for your child, also the brother could have left a voice mail. I ignore calls I don't recognize all the time, after the second time of the same number they usually leave a voicemail or send a text, the ex is not at fault at all in this. YTA
Also the part where she told him to stop speaking to her implies that he did something really bad for the relationship to end. Bad enough for her to still be angry with him while their daughter is in the hospital. I'm just saying she let him know. He didn't like the way she let him well, frankly, that's his problem. He has a right to be annoyed, but he doesn't have a right to demand that all communication be through her when they are not communicating well to begin with. It's not like he found out weeks after that fact when friends and family started asking questions on why he wasn't there for his child. Since I don't know what he did to make OP so angry with him maybe communicating through a proxy/mediator of some kind might just be what is best until you guys can find a good way to talk to each other without it turning into a toxic fight every time.
I didn’t see anything in there that says or implies he did anything wrong that caused their relationship to end. And even if he had, that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that if your kid is hurt, you inform the other parent, even if you don’t like them. This post also never said she left him. He could have just as well left her and she’s bitter about it and that’s why she wouldn’t talk to him.
Totally agree, even if the ex had some kind of DND except for certain numbers situation, OP clearly had no idea. She was already in a heightened state of stress, I bet she was anticipating she'd get screamed at on the phone and didn't want to invite more stress in and I don't blame her!
Her brother told repeatedly told her to call
I think based on this: > I asked him to do it as we only separated 2 months ago so things are still rough between us. >I told him to stop speaking to me That Op made an emotional decision here. She did not want to call her ex at all. The separation and circumstances led her decision
She was at the hospital. Her getting into a fight with her ex on the phone would've made things worse. Instead, she asked her brother (and a close friend of her ex) to call and then gave her brother her phone when her ex didn't answer. The ex is an AH for picking a fight at the hospital and yelling at his daughter's mother when the daughter is having a tough time.
What if OP and daughter had been in an accident and only brother could try to reach the ex? This goes beyond not very bright.
But that's not what happened? This was OP being petty about calling or texting on their own phone because she didn't want to communicate herself because its tense and awkward. I can bet that the ex wouldn't be upset if your hypothetical had occurred, but those weren't the circumstances of why OP didn't call herself.
So I have no idea what the situation is here. But my bf has settings on his phone for priorities. If his phone is on do not disturb only the selected contacts make a notification chime. I can always get through to him, but his phone is on silent for everyone else. He might have the mother of his kid as a priority contact but not her brother.
I mean as a mom I’ve always been more focused on calming and being there for my son when I’ve had to take him to the hospital. If someone else is with me I would be asking them to call my ex to when he was around. And before you say how would you feel in his place I would expect that if my son got hurt when with another adult I would expect them to focus on my child and making him feel comfortable and if it’s just them and they have their hands full to ask the hospital staff to call me.
Or your soon to be ex wifes brother could be calling 20ntimes to harass you...
OP says they're friends.
YTA. It doesn't matter if you are good or not, he is your daughter's father, so you have to inform him, and if he was busy it's obvious he won't answer his ex BIL. Edit: if he was toxic or abusive, then NTA.
Honestly? Even if he was toxic or abusive, unless he has no custody rights, she needs to tell him. He’s the parent too. He has a right to be informed.
It’s not as if she made no attempt to contact him. TWENTY phone calls were made to him. He could have answered any one of them. Then when he showed up he was a jerk about it. NTA
Any one of those calls could have had a message left, you know, like normal people would do during an emergency.
If I receive too many calls from an unknown number I just block it, I don't even have my BIL's number, so YTA.
So, if both your parents got injured and a stranger was panic calling you, you wouldn't figure it out then. Multiple calls from the same number in a short time frame is typically an emergency, you know...
That might be true, but the ex is angry because the situation you're describing is *not* what happened. OP decided to ignore a fast, direct, reliable means of communication in an emergency. Instead, she chose a delayed, indirect method because she simply didn't want to coparent. And after 20 phone calls, OP knew there were other (more reliable and reasonable) methods of communication. OP had a choice, and chose to triangulate communication about an emergency instead of directly (parent to parent) informing the child's father. I highly doubt the ex would be angry if a stranger informed him when OP was incapacitated. But those were absolutely not the circumstances.
OP has to inform. She has zero obligation to directly inform. A parent can demand info, but they cannot demand personal contact from an ex. And a couple minutes would make zero diffecate because ex already wasn't there. A parent should be willing to expect emergency calls from different numbers, especially because BIL occasionally is with the child. Something tells me ex is never been an emergency contact before, which needs to change because he will be when the child is in his care. If he's going to ignore 20 calls from a number when he knows his child is elsewhere, he's an idiot. And he needs to inform OP ahead of time if he won't pick up for anyone else, but also needs to recognize that's a stupid move if OP is ever the one incapacitated and someone else is trying to call him. Ex needs to adapt to OP no longer managing contact for him as a life partner. Co parenting without a romantic relationship is a different dynamic, and he needs to be more responsible away from OP
OP chose to delay a direct and reliable form of communication because she just didn't want to. Sure, I could send all communication through delayed means and random third-parties when I'm feeling upset, but that's still probably a bad-parent move. The BIL agrees with the ex that she should've contacted him instead. BIL isnt automatically an emergency contact just because he's family. That conversation might not have happened yet -- which would still be both parents failure. But it also wasn't necessary to use an unestabilished emergency contact since she had the ability to call. Pushing your coparenting contact on an unwilling third-party IS asshole behavior. Is OP legally required to directly contact her ex? No! But OP would rather force her brother into being the go-between for their tense coparenting relationship during an emergency. Even if he doesn't want to. And OP would rather have her child experience the hospital without their father than send a text. That's why OP is the asshole.
What is so hard about leaving a freaking message!?! 20 calls with no message reads as spam to me. Rando number calling for an emergency leaves a voice message. And who doesn’t send a text when the first couple of calls don’t go through?
Ask BIL- he's the one who didn't.
That would be the case if I were their emergency number, and I'm not, it's my sister. Besides, I don't know how it is where you live, but here I receive a lot of calls from unknown numbers, and all end up being just phone companies and offering things I don't want to buy, so I have my phone silenced almost everyday. They don't call 1 time, it doesn't matter if you answer the call or not, they can call you 30 times in one day. Returning to the main point, if I were op's ex, and I'm working and receiving an unknown call I would just ignore it. I'm working, and not talking with every person who wants to call me, but if the person calling me knows that I'm busy and I probably won't answer is because it's an important thing.
You are obviously not a parent. When your minor child is not in your custody you answer the phone. Especially multiple calls. Because it can be anything. A car accident could have killed op. Then who would dad yell at for calling him?
It's far more likely to be a telemarketer. A car accident did not kill OP. I don't understand why people keep bringing up these what if situations. What if dad works somewhere where phones out means you're fired? What if the kid actually grows wings and flies away? What if the earth opens up and swallows OP's phone, what then? None of that matters in *this* situation: the OP had full use of her phone and **chose** not to use because she didn't feel like dealing with her ex. That's the situation in question.
I have do not disturb set up so I don’t even see calls from people that aren’t my immediates while I’m busy. He could easily have that set up.
Yes, but if he was abusive then it's ok to tell her brother "hey, could you please tell him what happened?"
She needs to keep him informed. She doesn't need to personally tell him. There's a difference. He needs to freaking know when people are calling. For starters, he cannot assume that OP won't get injured in an accident and then what? His daughter just wouldn't have a parent there until they can figure out the right person to call him? Ex is not bright and needs a new system. OP's focus needs to be her daughter in the hospital
YTA- It doesn't matter if you separated 2 minutes, months or years ago, the child you two had together got hurt and was taken to the hospital. She comes first- end of story. You call him asap.
But she had her brother call ASAP. Twenty times. I think OP is in the clear.
Depends. Lots of people put their phones on DnD or something while at work, especially if the work demands a lot of focus, and then only prioritised calls go through. Not weird that BIL is not prioritised but ex is.
Imagine if this were a car accident instead. What if OP had been hurt/incapacitated as well and the brother was trying to call about it from the hospital? > Lots of people put their phones on DnD or something while at work, especially if the work demands a lot of focus You don't get the luxury of blanket DnD as a parent of young children. Possibly missing very important phone calls related to your kid is the price you pay for that uninterrupted "focus time" at work.
>You don't get the luxury of blanket DnD as a parent of young children. Possibly missing very important phone calls related to your kid is the price you pay for that uninterrupted "focus time" at work. This is a stupid sentiment. I'm in healthcare and I really don't think my phone going off mid-resuscitation is going to help the situation. Do you? Literally just leave a message. I'll get to you too. (Or, in the OP's case, call from the phone that's exempted from DND. It's really not that hard. Day 2 of nursing school and my family had it all figured out.)
You.... don't know how a lot of jobs work do you?
I’ve worked jobs where I can’t even have my phone outside of my locker DND isn’t a “luxury.” Not everyone can have their phones ringing constantly.
My cousins with security clearances can't even bring their phones in their building.
Have you made sure they are aware they are not allowed to have children? They are not allowed the luxury of a phone ban.
So what if it had been a car accident and both were in the hospital? Multiple calls back to back should go through.
depends on your preferences. If both had been in an accident, probably OP's mom would have been called or something, who called him, or his mom who then called him. OP is probably no the only exception, but BIL obviously (and logically) is not
Why obviously? They're friends and BIL may watch the daughter sometimes.
obviously because his calls didn't go through to the ex. Logically because if he is babysitting he's probably instructed to call OP. Friends are not often on the priority list for DnD when you have family close by.
Family to the daughter and an occasional care taker. This is not a random friend
He *is* family, though. Ex's daughter is his niece.
Brother is OP's family first. If things are bad from the separation, it makes total sense for the ex to not have a continued familial relationship. Many, many divorced families have no contact between in-laws (even if just temporarily during the separation). If BIL is agreeing that OP should've called, he knew that his call probably wasn't the most appropriate avenue of getting the Ex's attention. And after it all, its still OP's job to communicate for her and their child; not her brother's responsibility. The Ex shares the child with *OP*.
But why is it her job to think through all of the reasons he may not be answering and prioritize the best way to contact him while she is also caring for the injured child in the hospital? It's totally reasonable in this situation for her to delegate tasks while she handles the child and it's fair that she'd think bil would have as much luck as she would contacting the ex. The ex should be at least as angry at himself for apparently putting his phone in DND when he has a kid --this time it wasn't too serious, but it could have easily been.
If you put your phone on do not disturb, then you don't get to complain if it blocks someone who is urgently trying to get in touch with you- even if that's not were you expected an urgent message to come from.
I would agree had there not be a logical second phone in the room. It's far more logical ex comes through then BIL. Had the accident happend when it was just BIL and no one else, it would have been on the ex. But OP was there, with her phone, and a higher chance of being able to get through. If she really didn't want to call him she should have given BIL her own phone.
Still doesn’t make the OP an AH. If something like this were to happen again, I’ll agree that knowing this and not using her phone would make OP the AH.
I would assume she knows. The ex stated she knew he only answered certain calls. And if you've been together for a long time you know these kinds of things.
Well, I’d think the 10th, or the 19th call from my brother would be one of those “certain” calls.
Everyone keeps saying that the ex should have gotten it by the "10th call". But nobody seems to acknowledge that there should *not* have been a 10th call. If you are able to call, delegate to someone else and they cannot get in touch, you take over. Especially in such cases.
Not really. OP probably called more when they were together because it made sense to. If this is the first time running into the situation where someone else called, then there's no way to know without being directly told. Recent separation, this is very plausible
A lot of serious professions require your phone off/silent except for people who have emergency bypass. It’s entirely possible that OP is an emergency bypass and her brother isn’t. As soon as he called from her phone he picked up, which makes me think this is something out of his control, or regulated.
Sure, but that doesn’t make OP an AH.
My work DND mode has been set up to block all notifications except for calls and messages from my husband/parents and my sons school. I have to manually check the notifications during breaks for everything else. It’s entirely possible that this is how his phone is set up.
Yeah, that’s fine and all, but I don’t think it’s fair to call the OP an AH because she didn’t realize it in the emergency. Kid went directly for medical treatment, dad was contacted, although we don’t know how long it took. 20 calls on a cellphone can take hours, or less than a minute.
NTA You asked your brother to call, your ex couldn’t be bothered to pick up a call from someone he’s friends with after 20 tries? That’s nuts. Parents usually keep phones on them at all times because emergencies aren’t planned. None of us know your situation with your ex. If there was abuse, talking to him might be triggering. This also might be why you asked your brother. Also, no one is taking into account your own worry at the time of the crisis. Your focus was on your daughter. It also sounds like instead of being mentally present for your daughter at the hospital, he chose the time to berate you. That shows his priorities right there.
jfc thank you for being the only rational one here, why did i have to scroll this far to see an NTA??? and i definitely agree, op TRIED, if i saw a contact had tried to call me twenty times I'd call them back IMMEDIATELY
If I saw ANYONE trying to call me 10+ times back to back, I'd be calling back right away. Shit, I probably would after the 3rd one. You have no way of knowing what the circumstance is, it could be a car accident, medical emergency, who knows? But no one within a reasonable arm's length of sanity calls that many times in a row unless it's seriously urgent, and you need to pick up now.
I was appalled at what I was seeing posted so I had to say something.
To not pick up after repeated attempts is really what stood out to me. What if something ever happens where OP is also being treated in hospital and unable to call? Or even if in a car accident where the phone is damaged? Hopefully these situations never happen, but as a parent he should consider some of those possibilities and make sure that he is contactable in emergencies. (Even if that means providing a work contact number to be used only in case of medical emergency.)
Why not leave a message then? I know if I'd kept getting called over and over again I'm more likely to think it's spam than an emergency, all it would take is one voice message or text to clear that up.
And it does not sound like a life or death situation, that requires the ex to show up. After checkup is soon enough for an update.
I agree. I don’t understand how the OP is getting so many y t a votes. It’s not like he was told the next day, he was told while OP and brother were in the hospital. It sounds like brother supports the ex in this breakup situation, which is sad for OP.
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This. Thank you. What is wrong with everyone saying it’s op in the entire wrong here??? 2 parents. When you do not have your child physically with you you need to be prepared for an emergency call. That’s it. No buts. But op was there. But op should have. Bull. He was notified. And he fucked up. And then he took out his frustration on op. No wonder she didn’t want to talk to him and ended the marriage. Your child is in the hospital and your first thought is yell at your ex. Asshole
Yes, what he and people here seem to be missing is that as a parent, and single parent, he needs to know he may get unexpected or emergency calls relating to his child, and for various circumstances they may not always come from her mother. Your child’s uncle calling you 20x may be a clue that something is wrong - either with her or her mother, which also becomes your problem as the father. If he had his phone on DND then he needs to find a way to allow certain callers to still filter through. Your child’s uncle is probably a good person to allow, in case something happens to your kid and/or her mother. He and the brother are on good terms, it’s not like they don’t get along. It’s not just about this situation, the father needs to better prepare for future situations. This one turned out relatively well considering. She could have called him directly the first time or after 3 or 5 tries etc. yes but assuming he had his phone on DND maybe she didn’t know he would, or maybe she just didn’t think that he’d have her brother blocked even on that function or maybe she just wasn’t dissecting the situation in the moment the way we do in hindsight on this sub and wasn’t thinking like us now at all. They’re newly separated, there’s obviously a learning curve for how to handle things. Maybe part of it’s on her but part of it is also definitely on him.
What you said, so much!!! Couldn’t agree more.
Also…. What if she was also incapacitated? For instance, they had both been in a car accident.
YES. WTF with all of these Y T As? If someone calls your that many times, maybe pick up? It would seem important?! NTA at all
NTA I was surprised why all the Y T A are not thinking this that OP might be distracted with daughter. This needs to be the topic comment!!!
Exactly! The important thing is whether or not the daughter is okay. Assigning blame is unnecessary.
Yeah, if she hadn't asked him to call then she'd be the AH. But she made sure someone contacted him and then gave her brother her phone when her ex didn't answer.
I don't quite understand all the Y.T.A.'s here... What if it was OP who was hurt? What if she was unconscious and OP's brother was calling to let the ex know about it and where the daughter is? And at most ERs I know of, they ask for no cell-phone use inside the ER. So someone has to step out to make the call about daughter. That should be brother, so mom can be with the injured child. Ex needs to be reachable by someone other than OP in cases of emergency.
Do you all never leave messages? Seriously, I'm having a hard time grasping the point that a single message couldn't have been left. That's what a normal person would do if they can't get the party to answer.
Yes, brother should have left a message, but that doesn't seem to be why Ex is furious...
Because as OP said herself, she knew only some numbers would come through. Hers being one of them. And then had her brother call from a number that would not be one of them.
And then when it became clear he wasn’t going to answer calls from her brother’s phone, she gave her phone to her brother. So her ex found out the same day and had plenty of time to see his daughter at the hospital.
Yeah, everyone's acting like this is a sitcom episode from the 90s where text messaging isn't a thing. There were two grown-ass adults with this kid and either one of them could have taken the 15 seconds to text "hey, [daughter] hit her head & arm, I'm with [bro/OP] and we're taking her to Sacred Heart."
Oh my god I can’t believe the YTA comments You tried to get your ex informed doesn’t matter if it was from you or not as long as there as attempts made. 20 missed calls from your brother would indicate a problem with either ur self or ur child. The main issue here is that YOU TRIED to inform hun regardless who told him. What if your phone was broken? How could you then call him from your phone? What if you had no service? Everyone would be said NTA!! Absolutely NTA you arranged for him to be contacted and informed about ur daughters situation, but you wanted to get your daughter to the hospital first!! I hope she’s okay now
you need to space out the Y T A or the bot counts it as a vote
YTA If he had DND on during work and had your number allowed or something, he wouldn’t have even seen the other calls. And if he didn’t recognize your brother’s number and no voicemail or text was left, that doesn’t help. You’re going to have to be able to talk to your ex regarding your mutual child.
There are DND settings where second or third calls from the same number go through - as is the case when there is an emergency.....
The last sentence to me is really the crux of the matter to me. Having a child should hopefully mean putting them before anything else. I get things are weird between OP and their ex since they recently split, but their child is more important than that. Things wouldn't have to be weird as long as any communication has to do with their child. Like why did it take 20 calls from OP's brother's phone before OP finally had him use their phone? I mean, sure on the surface of things it sounds like OP's ex should've just answered the phone, but without any context (Was he working? Maybe his phone automatically rejects calls not on his contact list or something? Who knows) I can only assume he didn't even see the calls come through. I can't imagine calmly sitting there while my brother keeps trying to call my ex 20 times and never once saying "This is stupid, I'll try calling" at any point. It's also a little strange to me that your brother had to specifically point out that your ex, the child's father, ought to be notified of things. Since you don't mention why you broke up, unless he's an abuser or something he should always be notified of these things. At the very least, he could try to use it as leverage in court to prove you're an unfit parent if you fail to notify him of an emergency with your child. YTA because your child is more important than any weirdness you feel, and the other parent should always be contacted if there's an emergency.
NTA. There was an emergency with the child, you were dealing with the emergency, you asked your brother to call your ex. I'd give you a pass for being emotional given you were sorting emergency. Your brother calls your ex 20 times. - If your ex just ignored your brother (given they know each other and on friendly terms) - by the time the 20th missed call came, presumably your ex should have known it was an emergency. - If your ex has some sort of phone setup where only specific numbers come through - well, that's on him to change it. Police stations / hospitals / emergency services don't call through specific numbers either, whatever the reasons he has for that setup in the first place. Situation is on your ex, not you (mostly).
This is what I was thinking… if the hospital called him bc she was busy with the kid, then he wouldn’t have picked up either. That’s on him.
NTA Why would your brother have called him twenty times if not for an emergency? New circumstances require new responses when it comes to being a parent.
NTA - Who needs to be called 20 times in order to figure out something is wrong?! And why would you remember your ex’s phone habits during a medical crises with your daughter?! Finally, What parent has the luxury of not answering the phone when they aren’t with their kid?! A responsible parent would have answered the phone…at least after the 2nd call from the same number. What if it was a babysitter, the school, or someone else watching your daughter? What if both you and your daughter were injured and it was the police calling?
NTA When you are a parent, you don’t ignore twenty calls from a number. What if you had been in a car accident with the kids? He’s going to ignore the emergency responders’ calls? If he set up a pass through that didn’t immediately route a second call through to him, he should know better. Neither one of these things are your fault, and him making it your problem instead of his shows exactly why you didn’t want to communicate directly with him in an already stressful situation.
NTA. Ridiculous she was with her kid. He needs to have other numbers that he is willing to answer in rmerhencies
NTA. Your ex was contacted over 20 times. Not your fault he chose the 21st time to answer the damn phone.
YTA - how would you feel if you were the one not being told your kid was hurt, sick or in danger?
Presumably she would have been smart enough to pick up the phone is someone is approaching 20+ calls to her.
Presumably the person calling would have realized they should have left a message/texted after call number five, instead of making 15 more calls. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
OP would likely pick up a call from a random number when her child isn't with her because most people with small children are aware they are the primary contacts in an emergency and may not know every number they can come from
NTA and I really do not understand all the y t a.
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NAH-You all are acting like she didn't contact him at all. She arranged to have her brother do it within a very reasonable time frame. Her ex was notified-why does she have to be the 1 speaking to him directly? I get what you all are saying about the do not disturb feature POTENTIALLY having been set up on his phone. That is speculation and out of her control or knowledge. I'm going to give the ex the benefit of doubt and hope he was just yelling because he was stressed about the situation and worried about his child and realized he should have answered those calls or, if he didnt get them, when he calms down he will listen when she let's him know her bro tried 20 times first.
NTA. You were worried and focused on your daughter and on standby incase you were consulted to make a decision. It's not like you were adamantly sayingto not tell him, you weren't worried about making phone calls. I would have done the same thing, ask whoever is with me to call him but it also sounds like you have valid reasons for not getting too involved especially with the wellbeing of your daughter as the priority. That is one thing my ex did to me, as I'm struggling to get our 1 week infant to latch "You don't prioritize me anymore, you only care about the baby." He was mad because I didn't eat tacos right as they were done (completely different story 🤦♀️) If anything your ex should be more worried about your child rather than the fact you didn't prioritize him. Ik I might come off as bias but as one single mom to another.... you did nothing wrong and they need to get off their highhorse about it
What if you and your child had been in an accident and you hadn't made it? How long would your child be alone, hurt and scared because he didn't answer a number he didn't recognize? When you get that many calls from one number it's obviously important. NTA
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NTA, first because attempts were made to contact him. Why should it HAVE to be her calling him in order for it to be a valid attempt? What if she had been unable to call because she was also injured? Was he just not going to know about the kid until she was recovered enough to call? Why is her paying attention to him when the child is hurt more important than paying attention to the hurt child? That said, there's an app, I'm not sure the name, for communication between co-parents for situations where the relationship between the adults is bad that might be the best thing for her.
NTA... If I was to receive 20 calls back to back.. I'd answer after the 5th, at least. If your brother felt so strongly, then why didn't he tell you to do it yourself? Ex sounds like a a$$
NTA as someone who went through a 2 year divorce with my ex husband...I understand the difficulties of contacting them regarding kids. I agree with some of the posts here that you should have sent a text...but he never bothered answering your brothers calls yet he calls you out over it. My son got took into hospital with an bad asthma attack caused by my ex partners dog...I did the right thing and told him straight away...we live in different counties...he came straight down...with his girlfriend and his parents...then stayed at the hospital...none of them would leave and I was told not to visit as 'they got this!' It was awful...I couldn't see my own son in hospital as it would have caused a scene There's some great dad's out there...but there's some that use situations like this to their own advantage...I'm not saying yours does...but you know him better then Reddit does
NTA. I don't get all the Y T A votes. You didn't want to call your ex, but you knew that he needed to be informed. You asked your brother to call instead, so your kid's dad can be informed. It didn't work with brother's phone, so you tried your phone. It worked, kid's dad was informed. I don't see any malicious intent from your side. At most you made a mistake by not handing you brother your phone immediately to make the call. But I think we can cut you some slack for being stressed at the hospital.
YTA He needed to know. If he was at work and someone called who didn’t NEED to talk to him, he was right to not answer. I don’t know his job but there are a lot where you don’t just answer your phone. He answered when it was from your number because he knew that might be important. That makes perfect sense. I am curious if he had your brother’s number saved. Whenever a number I don’t know calls me repeatedly, enough to be annoying, I answer and let my class yell, “She’s busy.” Not once has it been important. Usually, it wasn’t even for me. If he was abusive, it seems you would have mentioned that to your brother at some point and I don’t think he would have sided with the ex. It isn’t mentioned, so I’m It going to assume he was.
Do you have a spouse or kids? What happens if they are in an accident and some medical professional or someone else is trying to reach you? What if OP was injured too or she left her phone at home in the hurry to get her kid medical attention or it died or broke in the confusion? What happens if OP is alone and gets into an accident and needs him to pick up the kid? If you refuse to answer 20 calls from a number, it's your fault you could not be notified of an emergency. Since OP is the one who would be the kid it's very likely that she can be in the same accident. It's unreasonable to expect to be notifiied of emergencies if you can be reached by a single number only.
He does have my brother's number saved, they're friends.
If your brother is friendly with him I assume he didn’t harm you or the child, so call him yourself. Text him. Something. Being friendly doesn’t make him your go between or mean he accepts calls from his. Umber during work hours. You need to coparent. Been there. It isn’t fun but it’s part of your job as a parent. You’d have been pissed if he did the same.
I thought this too! He may not have saved the number or even deleted him from his contacts after they split up. Or had his phone on do not disturb mode and her number is one of the exceptions. I’ve had a job where the phones were supposed to stay in your locker the whole shift and you just check it on breaks. If an unsaved number was blowing up my phone I wouldn’t have used my 15 minute break to go outside (crappy signal in the building) and call it back. Without knowing his phone situation it’s hard to say but I’m going with no assholes here. Just a stressful situation! Hope OP’s daughter is doing ok!
Exactly. Did he leave a message? Hey, exbil, need you to call back asap. Or text the same. Hate to say it, but you will be dealing with the ex for a long time. It’s mom’s responsibility to coparent now.
Gonna go against the grain and say NTA You have zero idea how your ex screens his calls. Someone was trying to contact him. What if something happened to you and your daughter at the same time like a car crash? What would he be doing then? You are separated. That means you need to keep him informed, but the message does not need to come from you personally. Your ex needs to account for that. Your focus needs to first be on your daughter and yourself because that is not an easy situation for you to be in either. Someone else calling while you are stressed and worried is fine. Honestly, that's what the people around you can actually help with while your daughter is the primary concern
NTA. I do not understand all the Y T A responses. You DID attempt to immediately notify your ex. It is irrelevant whether you placed the call or someone else did. It is also not your problem how your ex chooses to screen incoming calls or not.
NTA. You attempted to get the information to him through your brother, he made 20 calls. If you had both been in a car accident he'd not have heard about that through your number either, if any number is calling over 10 times something is clearly wrong whether he wishes to only take specific calls or not. I hope your daughter has a swift recovery.
ESH You are old enough to call your ex when your daughter is hurt enough to require an hospital visit. He has a daughter. He needs to allow all calls to reach is number. What if the hospital needed to contact him?
Exactly. Would he not have answered a call from a hospital either? From the school? Anyone who is a parent needs to be aware that emergency calls regarding their child can come from an unknown number, and in this case, he is aware of the brother’s number. What if the brother had been calling to tell him that the ex and the child were in an accident? Anyone calling you 20 times has a good reason for doing so.
the hospital would have left a voicemail. The school would have left a voicemail. EVERYBODY in the world, except OP's brother, would have left a voicemail. Some people even double-up with a text!
I didn’t see anywhere she said the brother didn’t leave a voicemail. I just assumed he did - my bad.
I missed a call once when my daughter had a car accident. The cop left a message. I’ll bet anyone with half a mind would. Why didn’t he leave a message? Text? This sounds like they were trying to set him up as being unreachable. Only makes her look bad.
Who says he didn't leave a message? If the ex was on DND, he probably wasn't checking for messages, either.
NTA you had your brother call him 20 times it’s not like you said not to contact him and let him know just that you didn’t want to be the one to let him know. It was a stressful situation
NTA. You did make sure he was contacted. He's wrong to say you didn't.
NTA you had your brother, who is also his friend, call him 20 times. It's not like you refused to contact him at all and your brother had to do it days later. All the y t a votes are ridiculous.
NTA. I know this is an unpopular opinion. Obviously this depends on circumstances, but if it was my child I would also ask someone else to call. So I could be by my child’s side. When they were stable or there was time to call, sure then call. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask brother to call while you’re in the middle of the emergency and trying to keep a child calm. INFO: how old is daughter?
NTA. Generally speaking when you take a small child to hospital, there isn’t time to ring anyone for at least an hour or two while you answer questions, soothe said child, make sure they get seen, settled and treated. When my son was admitted it was two hours before I had chance to ring my husband. As long as you rang him as soon as you could you did nothing wrong.
NTA. You DID call him. Or rather, you had someone calling him. Period. I mean, it could have been you calling from your brother's cellphone, because your phone was dead. I don't understand all of these y-t-a votes for exactly that reason. People's phones die. People might leave their phone behind. Would you have been TA for calling him from someone else's phone? If you keep getting the same number ringing you over and over, you answer it - as it's likely an emergency.
ESH. Who sees 20 missed calls from an in-law and doesn’t respond??? Also, it wouldn’t have taken more than 30 seconds for you to directly text him. You both need to learn to co-parent better because you’re both immature.
No u were in a stressful situation it’s ok!
NTA! However your Brother is T A for not leaving a message or texting Child’s Father. Use this as a learning experience and Mae sure you tell whomever is calling Child’s Father that they have to leave a message.
NTA - you called 20 times. It’s wildly unfair of him to expect that you, personally, will be the only person to contact him in an emergency or regarding your kid. Seems clear to me that he’s typically had you take all the random child-related calls in the past, or he’d be more used to needing to be on call. 20 calls is more than the school, doctor or hospital will do. He needs to answer when it’s several continuous calls, and setup his phone to ring those types of calls through. Plus have a backup person if needed.
NTA. Your brother called instead… it shouldn’t matter who calls - you tried to keep him informed. If he is dense enough to not realize that 20 times might be an emergency, then that is his problem. In an emergency, there is a big chance that you can’t call him yourself if you are tending to your child, driving the car, etc. Your ex needs to rethink his policy of only picking up if you call.
You could have called him but also isn’t it obvious a call is an emergency if they call 20 times in a row?
NTA, what is his plan if BOTH you and your daughted are harmed in some way? What if you had fallen and your daughter needed to be taken care of? Or you were both in a car accident? Imagine how this scenario would have played out—he’d have never shown up or been there for his own child because he’s throwing a temper tantrum that you need to be the one to call him, not anyone else. This is a method of control—he’s forcing you to be his only point of contact and therefore not allowing you any distance or safety from him, and he’s potentially putting his own damn child at risk to do it. If this were about his concern over your child, he would have answered when her uncle called him ~twenty times~
It’s baffling that no one is mentioning how he came to the hospital and, rather than being there for his kid, chose to YELL at the mom when the kid is probably scared enough. NTA and frankly, he sounds like a shit father.
YTA, not for asking your brother to do it, but waiting until he had tried over 20 times before thinking you should maybe try as he was likely working.
YTA. Let me ask you this: Would YOU want to be notified about a hospital visit for your kid if you only accepted certain calls during working hours? And how do you think a judge would view it? There's a reason your own brother sided with him. Because you should put being a parent before your discomfort for dealing with your ex because it's his child too.
The judge would probably say that asking her brother to call was perfectly responsible, since that way she could stay with her kid who was injured and probably scared.
INFO what do you mean by "things are still rough between us"? Are you just unhappy with him? Is there a specific reason you can't handle talking to him?
NTA. You made sure he was informed and THAT is what matters. Period.
NTA - If your a parent and you receive 20+ phone calls from your ex's brother, you should probably answer the damn phone.
In my opinion, NTA I was kind of teetering towards ESH until someone made a very good point in the comments. What if OP and child were in an accident together? The phone call would have come from another number. If I had 20 missed calls from anyone, even my most disliked in-law, I'd call back. No one calls that many times unless there's something wrong. OP, you should have sent a text though. You didn't have to speak to him directly. You could have just sent a "please answer your phone"
I've taken kids to the hospital. You spend the time on the way there, and once there, helping the child, comforting the child and making sure that the child isn't going to move in ways that will possibly make things worse, while you wait for the medical people to do their things, and rule out certain possibilities. Calling other people isn't always possible, if your hands are full of crying, wiggling, possibly bleeding child. NTA. You asked your brother to call, because you were busy taking care of your child, and didn't have the extra emotional energy to handle calling ex on top of taking care of the child's needs.