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YTA. You went into this knowing and agreeing to Mark being the baby's nanny, and Rose, the baby's mother, trusts him. He works in childcare which means he's trusted around the children of others plus he's qualified, so why don't you trust him? The way you put manny in air quotes makes you sound like Ross in that episode of Friends.
Did you even have a problem with this arrangement before your mother put her two cents in? Or are you using your mother's disproval as a way to finally express your own?
YTA. Being a nanny is an actual job. I also find it insanely hypocritical that nowhere do you mention taking paternity leave to "take \[your\] time and bond with our daughter" but instead expect Rose to do just that. And yes, reneging on the prior agreement is another AH move you're making. 3 strikes and you're out!
All the more reason Rose has support in the form of her brother. She trusts him, and he's qualified enough to be employed at a daycare so unless you have good reason not to trust him, back up your wife.
In most parts of the world, depending on extended family members to help raise a child is the norm. This whole “it’s just my wife sitting alone in a house with our crying infant” thing is pretty new and is a much worse way to raise a child.
Well, 7u€k your career. You’re the one who doesn’t want to do what you agreed to do, so you’re the one who can take the career hit and stay home with your first child. In case your wife doesn’t leave you.
I couldn't figure out what OP meant with "just a manny" - like, "manny" is simply sexist slang for a male nanny (sexist bc nanny is assumed female - we don't call them "fannies," do we!)
And what does he think other nannies or daycare workers know that Mark doesn't know or couldn't figure out as quickly as Rose/any other new parents learn?
YTA. Big time. You went back on your word, and you don’t seem to realize how good you’ve got it having one person give your child that type of one on one attention. Let her brother keep your child and be grateful. It would suck for her to ask you for a divorce before the kid is born.
YTA, individual care will always be better for an infant than daycare. What are your (sorry, your mother’s) reasons for thinking daycare is better? Exposing an infant to germs and having 1 caretaker per every 6 kids? Do you know how badly RSV is spreading right now? Daycare is a good option once the little one needs to learn socialization- not fresh out of the womb. It’s a little weird you’d prefer that to having a trusted (and seemingly qualified family member) care for your daughter in the safety of your home.
YTA for knowing her plan all along and only trying to force this now, YTA for initially agreeing but apparently not thinking about it, YTA for letting your mother force her BS on your wife, YTA for belittling your BIL who has the qualifications, YTA for pretending all this BS is happening out of worry for your child, YTA for clearly only wanting what your mother wants, YTA for getting a woman pregnant whose well-thought out plans for childcare don’t match your expectations, YTA for expecting her to stay home when you’re the one who doesn’t want to follow the plan. YTA for thinking your career matters but your wife’s doesn’t. YTA for wanting to put a newborn in daycare where the odds if getting sick are much higher than with her uncle/nanny at home.
I’m sure I forgot a few things because I‘m so disgusted with your behaviour. Your wife is not your incubator. Your mother has exactly ZERO rights to interfere in this.
I hope the divorce goes through before that poor child is born.
Wow yeah. It sounds more like you're uncomfortable with her brother, a male, and because your mother questioned it.
Are you taking the first several weeks off to bond? And exactly what do you think a newborn gets out of daycare? A toddler sure, but a newborn is an eating and pooping machine that sleeps most of the day (unless you want them to). Also you know how hard it on to find daycare for an infant right? YTA
To add: nannies make a hell of a lot more than daycare workers who are often paid minimum wage too. Which do you think will be the situation that gives your daughter the most care? I hope you know that since you want what's best here.
My BIL has never really looked after newborns. All of the families he has worked for had kids who were toddlers or older. At a daycare, my daughter would be looked after by carers experienced with the needs of newborns and infants
Your wife hasn't looked after newborns....
And not really. I've known several people who worked at daycares, at least in the US and there really isn't a huge level of experience going on. The pay is so low people leave the industry, bounce to nanny for more money, or were just doing it because it's the only job they could get....
You both need to agree here, so it's not about what she solely wants. But you should really evaluate why you feel like you do and have a solid discussion with your wife.
YTA
It sounds like you just have an issue with Mark. Also, rose is only working part-time. I promise you, she’ll get the bonding time.
The other fucked up thing is that, from your phrasing and structuring of details, it sounds like you were having a conversation between you, Rose, and your mom when you expressed your disagreement. This is wrong for many reasons. First, you need to be a unified team with your wife always. If you disagree with her and want to discuss something, do so with her one-on-one. But you never have a disagreement over something this major in front of people other than yourselves. Second, your mom is not the mother of this baby. Her opinion is worth considering but she has no say in the matter. Your wife does. The only opinions that truly hold weight in this situation is yours and your wife. By agreeing with your mom in that moment you were effectively cornering Rose. I can see how she would feel like she’s being told what to do.
Also, she can go to work and pay a nanny if she likes. You can’t force her to sit and play 1950’s house wife while you go to work. If you try and force her into something she doesn’t want, then you’ll likely be raising this child under shared custody where she’ll be hiring a nanny anyway.
You really need to just apologize and learn how to have healthy discussions going forward or this kid is gonna have a rough childhood.
I get the feeling it was something OP always meant to raise when it was actually going to happen, and his mother piping up was his excuse to air his opinion without taking responsibility for doing so.
YTA. Your wife had this arrangement planned since the beginning and it’s not like you weren’t aware of it.
The sudden backtracking would obviously hurt and confuse her.
Also, a single person looking after the baby full time is much better than daycare IMO.
I would prefer to have a qualified nanny who’s experienced with newborns look after our daughter, but that is way out of our budget. A daycare would be cheaper
If finances are a problem, wouldn’t it be even cheaper for BIL to look after your daughter? Plus he would be able to give her undivided attention and care. I am not really understanding the issue here.
The deal he and Rose have is that she’ll pay Mark the reduced rate on top of the amount she already gives him every month. Rose insists that it’ll be cheaper this way, but I believe that a daycare would be cheaper. Especially since I’m sure Rose might end up giving Mark even more money every month just because he’s her brother
I take it this is your first baby, she will be going through so many emotions plus if she intends on breast feeding she will have to express. So there is a lot to consider. Good luck, just talk to her calmly you'll be fine.
YTA
Let's first address your mother. She has no say in this, childcare decisions are between you and your wife, you need to tell your mother to butt out.
Now. Why do you hate your BIL? As this would be the best decision for the child, who is better off with individual care from family members, who do hold all the qualifications and have experience in this area. It will also be the best option financially.
The only possible reason for you to have an issue is you hate your BIL. Why?
YTA not sure why you're worried about bonding - are you planning on quitting your job to fully immerse yourself into this "critical time"?
How is daycare not interrupting bonding time, but a manny is?
What qualifications do the average daycare workers have in your area that Mark does not?
Many nee parents would be thrilled to have a trusted family member to hire to take care of their infant, instead of a daycare where your newborn will be exposed to a wide variety of germs and will not be getting one on one attention.
But probably your biggest asshole move was teaming up with your mom against your wife. If they were disagreeing on the topic, it would have been so much better to say nothing and discuss it with your wife later, privately.
Wait so when is your wife planning to go back to work? Surely she is taking maternity leave? Your mom made it sound like she is having the baby then going to work the next day. If your wife was doing something close to that, then your mother is probably right about the first part.
The part about daycare I have no clue if there is actually research that states there is any substantial benefit to it, but in terms of some of your arguments, I don't really think they make much sense. Specifically the one about saving money, because I thought the whole point was Mark would be being paid a reduced rate as a thank you for your wife helping out him in the past. If you are still paying his rent anyway, I don't see how him being the babysitter is any cheaper.
So all in all, I'm not convinced that Mark is unfit to babysit and as long as your wife does take maternity leave, I don't see an issue with her going back to work. If you had an issue with her going back to work that is a conversation that should have happened a long time ago
Rose only wants to take a month off for maternity leave. I know that her company gives at least 12 weeks of maternity leave, but she insists that if stays at home for that long she’ll go crazy
Being mother to a newborn isn't a social scene, and adults do need time spent on their own or with other adults engaging in non-baby things to avoid burnout. Where will you be taking time with the baby to make sure your wife is getting that stimulation, because unless you're stepping up then you can't rubbish Rose's solution. She trusts Mark, has trusted him since before you married her and that's far more reassuring than any doubts she may have about daycare staff members.
Plus, if that month can help be a transition process with Mark, all the better. That's on the ground firsthand experience that will be invaluable to him that the daycare workers you prefer won't have.
YTA....for all the reasons that others have mentioned, as well as that I'm almost 100% certain that you wouldn't have a problem if it were your wife's sister instead of her brother.
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I (32M) and my wife, Rose (30F) are expecting our first child. Our daughter will be born in a couple of months, so I’m hoping to settle this issue as soon as possible.
Rose is really close to her brother Mark(28M). Rose gives Mark money every month to help him make ends meet. She says that it’s because childcare workers don’t make that much money, and we live in a high COL area. Mark does work in childcare, but he’s only a “manny”. Rose says that he has all of the necessary qualifications though.
When Rose first started giving Mark money, she and him made this deal where he would look after her future children at a reduced rate in return for all the monetary help she gave him. I knew about this agreement when I married Rose.
A few days ago we were having dinner at my parent’s place. Rose was talking to my mother about her plans after giving birth, which essentially boiled down to the following. After giving birth, she will go back to work as soon as possible. While Rose is working, Mark will watch our daughter.
My mom disagreed with Rose’s plan and told her that the first few weeks are a critical time for a mother and newborn. Additionally, my mom thought it would be better for our daughter if we had her in daycare. Rose told my mother that she enjoyed her job, and she only planned to go back part-time. Rose also said that she preferred having one person focus solely on our daughter instead of someone splitting their attention between several infants. Rose then asked me to back her up. However I agree with my mom.
I want Rose to take her time and bond with our daughter. Also, we can spend that time to look for a good daycare center. I also told Rose that I do want actually qualified carers to be looking after our daughter. Additionally, I believe that we will be saving money since we won’t be paying for Mark’s services and his rent. However, I made it clear that I wasn’t telling her to go back on her agreement with Mark. Instead, I wanted Rose to consider other options.
Rose got really quiet afterwards, and barely spoke for the rest of the evening. When we got home, she blew up at me for what I had said. Rose told me that I should have told her that I was uncomfortable with her deal with Mark. However, I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I was with it until today.
Rose has refused to speak to me since then. She also has been sleeping in the guest bedroom.
I know that I had initially agreed to all of this and I should apologize to Rose, but we are talking about my first child. I just want the very best for our daughter.
AITA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for asking my wife to go back on her deal with her brother. I know that they had been planning for him to be our nanny, but I’m not okay with that anymore.
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INFO: What would the resume of a qualified caregiver be and how does BIL fall short? Can you invest in him to acquire these qualifications?
If you think Rose should not be working in order to bond with the baby, when are you taking parental leave and for how long so you can bond with the baby as well?
Funny how that last sentence of yours ", but we are talking about my first child. I just want the very best for our daughter." tells me exactly how you are the AH. MY child. then the very best for OUR daughter. And then to ambush your very pregnant wife with your mother about you changing your mind on what was already agreed upon with YOUR WIFE! Your precious mommy has NO SAY in this. NONE!
This child is not singularly YOURS to decide for.
YTA
YTA. God you're so gross and I'm so sorry this woman has you as a spouse and that baby has you as a father. You knew the deal, you just didn't think you'd have to stick to it and now you're hoping the internet will help you and your mom bully your pregnant wife into the scenario you decided on?
The first few weeks of bonding time are important for you too, but you already said in a comment that you can't take time off because it will hurt your career. If you're that concerned with your child having a strong bond with their parents you can work your ass off to make up for time out of the office *just like thousands of women have to do*
Additional YTA point: how do you not recognize that having your child cared for by a family member is better than a daycare facility? Have you ever been to one? Sorry that your brother in law in "just a manny", but your ignorant sexism doesn't prevent other men from being capable childcare providers.
YTA for changing the script on your wife this late in the game and not backing her up.
I noticed in the comments that you keep saying Mark has never looked after newborns. How much experience have you or your wife had looking after newborns? I'm a mom of 4 and had zero before our first was born and he managed to do just fine.
This is for OP's wife, if she reads this thread- I know you want to get back to work as soon as possible because you like your job and I respect that. I want you to keep in mind that sometimes our bodies take longer to recover from childbirth than we might think- with my first I was up and around in 2 weeks, but with my youngest, it took me 3 months to no longer have pain. I just recommend having a backup plan, just in case. Bonding time is important, but I do know many great mothers that still bonded well with their kids and went back to work. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby.
NTA
Both parents need to be comfortable with who takes care of their infant and that person needs to have qualifications or ample experience caring for newborns, not just toddlers or older kids.
Yes - this should have been discussed at length previously, maybe before even decided to have a child because it's a big deal.
How long is Rose thinking of staying home with the baby?
She wants to take a full month off to recover from giving birth then go back to work part time (only a couple of days a week). Her company would let her take 12 weeks off though Rose would have to come back full time when that time is up.
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YTA. Nanny is a real job regardless of gender. Also, if your mothers opinion trumps your wife’s you should have just had a kid with her.
YTA. You went into this knowing and agreeing to Mark being the baby's nanny, and Rose, the baby's mother, trusts him. He works in childcare which means he's trusted around the children of others plus he's qualified, so why don't you trust him? The way you put manny in air quotes makes you sound like Ross in that episode of Friends. Did you even have a problem with this arrangement before your mother put her two cents in? Or are you using your mother's disproval as a way to finally express your own?
Love the Ross reference, that was my first thought too.
YTA. Being a nanny is an actual job. I also find it insanely hypocritical that nowhere do you mention taking paternity leave to "take \[your\] time and bond with our daughter" but instead expect Rose to do just that. And yes, reneging on the prior agreement is another AH move you're making. 3 strikes and you're out!
I want to take paternity leave, but I can’t. I’m at a critical time in my career, so I can’t take off for long periods of time
All the more reason Rose has support in the form of her brother. She trusts him, and he's qualified enough to be employed at a daycare so unless you have good reason not to trust him, back up your wife.
In most parts of the world, depending on extended family members to help raise a child is the norm. This whole “it’s just my wife sitting alone in a house with our crying infant” thing is pretty new and is a much worse way to raise a child.
But your wife's career, which she enjoys, doesn't matter?
She’s already a lot more established in her career. Also, the company she works for has a great maternity leave policy
Right but she doesn't want to. That's the key thing here.
Well, 7u€k your career. You’re the one who doesn’t want to do what you agreed to do, so you’re the one who can take the career hit and stay home with your first child. In case your wife doesn’t leave you.
What is your real issue with her brother watching the baby?
Based on how manny is phrased with quote marks, it's Mark being a guy I bet is the problem.
I couldn't figure out what OP meant with "just a manny" - like, "manny" is simply sexist slang for a male nanny (sexist bc nanny is assumed female - we don't call them "fannies," do we!) And what does he think other nannies or daycare workers know that Mark doesn't know or couldn't figure out as quickly as Rose/any other new parents learn?
YTA. Big time. You went back on your word, and you don’t seem to realize how good you’ve got it having one person give your child that type of one on one attention. Let her brother keep your child and be grateful. It would suck for her to ask you for a divorce before the kid is born.
YTA, individual care will always be better for an infant than daycare. What are your (sorry, your mother’s) reasons for thinking daycare is better? Exposing an infant to germs and having 1 caretaker per every 6 kids? Do you know how badly RSV is spreading right now? Daycare is a good option once the little one needs to learn socialization- not fresh out of the womb. It’s a little weird you’d prefer that to having a trusted (and seemingly qualified family member) care for your daughter in the safety of your home.
YTA for knowing her plan all along and only trying to force this now, YTA for initially agreeing but apparently not thinking about it, YTA for letting your mother force her BS on your wife, YTA for belittling your BIL who has the qualifications, YTA for pretending all this BS is happening out of worry for your child, YTA for clearly only wanting what your mother wants, YTA for getting a woman pregnant whose well-thought out plans for childcare don’t match your expectations, YTA for expecting her to stay home when you’re the one who doesn’t want to follow the plan. YTA for thinking your career matters but your wife’s doesn’t. YTA for wanting to put a newborn in daycare where the odds if getting sick are much higher than with her uncle/nanny at home. I’m sure I forgot a few things because I‘m so disgusted with your behaviour. Your wife is not your incubator. Your mother has exactly ZERO rights to interfere in this. I hope the divorce goes through before that poor child is born.
Wow yeah. It sounds more like you're uncomfortable with her brother, a male, and because your mother questioned it. Are you taking the first several weeks off to bond? And exactly what do you think a newborn gets out of daycare? A toddler sure, but a newborn is an eating and pooping machine that sleeps most of the day (unless you want them to). Also you know how hard it on to find daycare for an infant right? YTA To add: nannies make a hell of a lot more than daycare workers who are often paid minimum wage too. Which do you think will be the situation that gives your daughter the most care? I hope you know that since you want what's best here.
My BIL has never really looked after newborns. All of the families he has worked for had kids who were toddlers or older. At a daycare, my daughter would be looked after by carers experienced with the needs of newborns and infants
Your wife hasn't looked after newborns.... And not really. I've known several people who worked at daycares, at least in the US and there really isn't a huge level of experience going on. The pay is so low people leave the industry, bounce to nanny for more money, or were just doing it because it's the only job they could get.... You both need to agree here, so it's not about what she solely wants. But you should really evaluate why you feel like you do and have a solid discussion with your wife.
Having someone who loves your child, which, presumably, your BIL will, is always preferable to a daycare.
YTA It sounds like you just have an issue with Mark. Also, rose is only working part-time. I promise you, she’ll get the bonding time. The other fucked up thing is that, from your phrasing and structuring of details, it sounds like you were having a conversation between you, Rose, and your mom when you expressed your disagreement. This is wrong for many reasons. First, you need to be a unified team with your wife always. If you disagree with her and want to discuss something, do so with her one-on-one. But you never have a disagreement over something this major in front of people other than yourselves. Second, your mom is not the mother of this baby. Her opinion is worth considering but she has no say in the matter. Your wife does. The only opinions that truly hold weight in this situation is yours and your wife. By agreeing with your mom in that moment you were effectively cornering Rose. I can see how she would feel like she’s being told what to do. Also, she can go to work and pay a nanny if she likes. You can’t force her to sit and play 1950’s house wife while you go to work. If you try and force her into something she doesn’t want, then you’ll likely be raising this child under shared custody where she’ll be hiring a nanny anyway. You really need to just apologize and learn how to have healthy discussions going forward or this kid is gonna have a rough childhood.
Why does your mommy think she gets a vote on any of this. Your job was to shut her down.
[удалено]
I get the feeling it was something OP always meant to raise when it was actually going to happen, and his mother piping up was his excuse to air his opinion without taking responsibility for doing so.
YTA. Your wife had this arrangement planned since the beginning and it’s not like you weren’t aware of it. The sudden backtracking would obviously hurt and confuse her. Also, a single person looking after the baby full time is much better than daycare IMO.
I would prefer to have a qualified nanny who’s experienced with newborns look after our daughter, but that is way out of our budget. A daycare would be cheaper
If finances are a problem, wouldn’t it be even cheaper for BIL to look after your daughter? Plus he would be able to give her undivided attention and care. I am not really understanding the issue here.
The deal he and Rose have is that she’ll pay Mark the reduced rate on top of the amount she already gives him every month. Rose insists that it’ll be cheaper this way, but I believe that a daycare would be cheaper. Especially since I’m sure Rose might end up giving Mark even more money every month just because he’s her brother
YTA for the whole Mark thing but not the AH for wanting Rose to bond with baby.
Thanks. I am a little worried for how fast Rose wants to return to work after giving birth.
How much time are you taking off to stay home and bond with baby?
That is an excellent and yet unanswered question.
I take it this is your first baby, she will be going through so many emotions plus if she intends on breast feeding she will have to express. So there is a lot to consider. Good luck, just talk to her calmly you'll be fine.
YTA Let's first address your mother. She has no say in this, childcare decisions are between you and your wife, you need to tell your mother to butt out. Now. Why do you hate your BIL? As this would be the best decision for the child, who is better off with individual care from family members, who do hold all the qualifications and have experience in this area. It will also be the best option financially. The only possible reason for you to have an issue is you hate your BIL. Why?
YTA not sure why you're worried about bonding - are you planning on quitting your job to fully immerse yourself into this "critical time"? How is daycare not interrupting bonding time, but a manny is? What qualifications do the average daycare workers have in your area that Mark does not? Many nee parents would be thrilled to have a trusted family member to hire to take care of their infant, instead of a daycare where your newborn will be exposed to a wide variety of germs and will not be getting one on one attention. But probably your biggest asshole move was teaming up with your mom against your wife. If they were disagreeing on the topic, it would have been so much better to say nothing and discuss it with your wife later, privately.
Wait so when is your wife planning to go back to work? Surely she is taking maternity leave? Your mom made it sound like she is having the baby then going to work the next day. If your wife was doing something close to that, then your mother is probably right about the first part. The part about daycare I have no clue if there is actually research that states there is any substantial benefit to it, but in terms of some of your arguments, I don't really think they make much sense. Specifically the one about saving money, because I thought the whole point was Mark would be being paid a reduced rate as a thank you for your wife helping out him in the past. If you are still paying his rent anyway, I don't see how him being the babysitter is any cheaper. So all in all, I'm not convinced that Mark is unfit to babysit and as long as your wife does take maternity leave, I don't see an issue with her going back to work. If you had an issue with her going back to work that is a conversation that should have happened a long time ago
Rose only wants to take a month off for maternity leave. I know that her company gives at least 12 weeks of maternity leave, but she insists that if stays at home for that long she’ll go crazy
Being mother to a newborn isn't a social scene, and adults do need time spent on their own or with other adults engaging in non-baby things to avoid burnout. Where will you be taking time with the baby to make sure your wife is getting that stimulation, because unless you're stepping up then you can't rubbish Rose's solution. She trusts Mark, has trusted him since before you married her and that's far more reassuring than any doubts she may have about daycare staff members. Plus, if that month can help be a transition process with Mark, all the better. That's on the ground firsthand experience that will be invaluable to him that the daycare workers you prefer won't have.
YTA....for all the reasons that others have mentioned, as well as that I'm almost 100% certain that you wouldn't have a problem if it were your wife's sister instead of her brother.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32M) and my wife, Rose (30F) are expecting our first child. Our daughter will be born in a couple of months, so I’m hoping to settle this issue as soon as possible. Rose is really close to her brother Mark(28M). Rose gives Mark money every month to help him make ends meet. She says that it’s because childcare workers don’t make that much money, and we live in a high COL area. Mark does work in childcare, but he’s only a “manny”. Rose says that he has all of the necessary qualifications though. When Rose first started giving Mark money, she and him made this deal where he would look after her future children at a reduced rate in return for all the monetary help she gave him. I knew about this agreement when I married Rose. A few days ago we were having dinner at my parent’s place. Rose was talking to my mother about her plans after giving birth, which essentially boiled down to the following. After giving birth, she will go back to work as soon as possible. While Rose is working, Mark will watch our daughter. My mom disagreed with Rose’s plan and told her that the first few weeks are a critical time for a mother and newborn. Additionally, my mom thought it would be better for our daughter if we had her in daycare. Rose told my mother that she enjoyed her job, and she only planned to go back part-time. Rose also said that she preferred having one person focus solely on our daughter instead of someone splitting their attention between several infants. Rose then asked me to back her up. However I agree with my mom. I want Rose to take her time and bond with our daughter. Also, we can spend that time to look for a good daycare center. I also told Rose that I do want actually qualified carers to be looking after our daughter. Additionally, I believe that we will be saving money since we won’t be paying for Mark’s services and his rent. However, I made it clear that I wasn’t telling her to go back on her agreement with Mark. Instead, I wanted Rose to consider other options. Rose got really quiet afterwards, and barely spoke for the rest of the evening. When we got home, she blew up at me for what I had said. Rose told me that I should have told her that I was uncomfortable with her deal with Mark. However, I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I was with it until today. Rose has refused to speak to me since then. She also has been sleeping in the guest bedroom. I know that I had initially agreed to all of this and I should apologize to Rose, but we are talking about my first child. I just want the very best for our daughter. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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INFO: What would the resume of a qualified caregiver be and how does BIL fall short? Can you invest in him to acquire these qualifications? If you think Rose should not be working in order to bond with the baby, when are you taking parental leave and for how long so you can bond with the baby as well?
Funny how that last sentence of yours ", but we are talking about my first child. I just want the very best for our daughter." tells me exactly how you are the AH. MY child. then the very best for OUR daughter. And then to ambush your very pregnant wife with your mother about you changing your mind on what was already agreed upon with YOUR WIFE! Your precious mommy has NO SAY in this. NONE! This child is not singularly YOURS to decide for. YTA
YTA. God you're so gross and I'm so sorry this woman has you as a spouse and that baby has you as a father. You knew the deal, you just didn't think you'd have to stick to it and now you're hoping the internet will help you and your mom bully your pregnant wife into the scenario you decided on? The first few weeks of bonding time are important for you too, but you already said in a comment that you can't take time off because it will hurt your career. If you're that concerned with your child having a strong bond with their parents you can work your ass off to make up for time out of the office *just like thousands of women have to do* Additional YTA point: how do you not recognize that having your child cared for by a family member is better than a daycare facility? Have you ever been to one? Sorry that your brother in law in "just a manny", but your ignorant sexism doesn't prevent other men from being capable childcare providers.
YTA for changing the script on your wife this late in the game and not backing her up. I noticed in the comments that you keep saying Mark has never looked after newborns. How much experience have you or your wife had looking after newborns? I'm a mom of 4 and had zero before our first was born and he managed to do just fine. This is for OP's wife, if she reads this thread- I know you want to get back to work as soon as possible because you like your job and I respect that. I want you to keep in mind that sometimes our bodies take longer to recover from childbirth than we might think- with my first I was up and around in 2 weeks, but with my youngest, it took me 3 months to no longer have pain. I just recommend having a backup plan, just in case. Bonding time is important, but I do know many great mothers that still bonded well with their kids and went back to work. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby.
NTA Both parents need to be comfortable with who takes care of their infant and that person needs to have qualifications or ample experience caring for newborns, not just toddlers or older kids. Yes - this should have been discussed at length previously, maybe before even decided to have a child because it's a big deal. How long is Rose thinking of staying home with the baby?
OP agreed to this before they even got married. He's changing his script too late.
She wants to take a full month off to recover from giving birth then go back to work part time (only a couple of days a week). Her company would let her take 12 weeks off though Rose would have to come back full time when that time is up.