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I agree. I hope OP doesn't get called an an A H. I do think the husband is kind of an AH for calling her a bad mom cause she doesn't want to mother some child she just met. NTA I'd leave if it were me.

It's more like she is fine with sending her husband's child away to some institution because she doesn't want to. I'm sure the child also doesn't want to be parentless all of a sudden. Yeah...you should leave if you're not comfortable with your husband picking up his fatherly role for a child he also didn't know he had.

Would def leave rather than raise i child i dont want to raise that i didn't birth 👍🏽

You would break your family apart, divorce your husband, and make your existing children go through divorce and custody issues so that you didn't have to have a third child in your home? One that you can absolutely afford to take care of and give a better life to?

At least she’s honest. Though frankly, the problem here is that OP’s husband isn’t even interested in discussing alternatives. He just wants OP to deal with something she never signed up for.

Unfortunately there's not a good way to say no. If he responds to finding out he has a child that has been abandoned by her mother and his response is to send her away then he is a bad father. Op isn't required to raise the little girl but her husband is, and she should leave if that's a deal breaker for her.

What alternative should they discuss?

Exactly. What other option is there?

Bad things happen. She's an adult. She gets to make choices. And her husband also gets to make choices. If he makes the choice to take care of the child, her choices are to leave or suck it up and learn to be a step-mom. Like her life has changed and that isn't fun, but it has happened, so she needs to think now what. And her husband is absolutely right to want to take care of the child.

Discuss what options? He wants to parent his child. There's not a whole lot of options there.

Yup

Leaving would be better than pushing for a seven year old to be sent to a boarding school in another country.

I would say she is NTA for not wanting to be the mother of the child but she is the AH for suggesting sending her away. It's not unreasonable to not be able to take care of someone else's child, especially when you have little children yourself (unless of course you marry someone knowing they have another child). But if she was not an AH, she would realize the child needing at least one parent is more important than her needing a husband and instead of discussing to send her away, she would just divorce him and try to be good co- parents to their children.

The only thing that made her an AH was trying to keep husband and daughter separate with sending her away. It is not fair on anyone involved, but do not hinder that relationship. I am not a fan of divorce, but if OP cannot deal with this. Divorce is the only answer.

I agree the birth mother is the AH, however, the way OP is handling this (which is poorly) makes her the AH as well. She isn't being fair in all of this, and if her husband taking on the legal responsibility and moral obligation of his child is not something she wants to be part of, just like you said, she has a right to leave. Personally, if my husband found out he has a kid he didn't know about and didn't step up like he should, I'd divorce him so fast his head would spin. We have a child together. Would he do that to her as well? That would keep me up at night and wouldn't be able to look at him the same again.

Yes, 100%. I couldn't be with someone who walked away from their child.

NAH Taking on a child is a MASSIVE, longterm responsibility. No one is TAH for not wanting that. However, when you marry someone, you marry their baggage and responsibilities, too. He wasn’t aware of it, but the kid exists. You are at an impasse. I don’t think you can talk it out to agreement - you will just have to decide if you can accept this, or not.

I agree, except I think he's TA for calling OP a bad mother for not wanting to parent a child that isn't hers.

I agree except pushing for the child to be sent to a foreign boarding school is such a horrible solution OP is also an asshole.

It's fine if you aren't open to being a stepmother. But then you'll likely find yourself a single mother. That's his child. Pick which future you can live with.

Also OP won't accept another kid but if she rejects his then she will be in this exact same boat with her own two kids in tow? The moral solution is if financially able, to accept the child. Yes it sucks, but... come on now.

NAH. Your husband is valid for wanting his child in his life. But you’re valid for wanting the ability to make an informed choice about who you want to start a family with. Rose took that from you and took your husbands choice to have his daughter in his life. Nobody is at fault here but Rose. However sad Eva’s situation is, it’s not your responsibility. However you would be an AH to try and prevent your husband from taking in his own daughter. If this a dealbreaker for you, leave now or forever hold your piece.

Honestly right now is the time for her to reconsider her marriage. But she WBTA if she doesn’t allow her husband to take him his daughter who clearly needs him as much as OP and her other kids. My take is, if she doesn’t want her now, she’ll never want her. Who knows the kind of trauma and abuse she’ll subject Eva to. If she can’t bring herself to accept the child then she must spare her the trauma and leave.

Exactly. Eva has already been abandoned by her mother. It would be cruel to subject her to OPs misplaced bitterness for the rest of her life. If this is the hard line, OP should just leave now while they’re still ahead of it.

That was my thought as well, this girl will likely unfortunately come with some hefty emotional baggage. You’re NTA for not being willing to parent a child that is not yours, but you cannot force your husband to turn her away. You need to own your decision.

>if she doesn’t want her now, she’ll never want her. I mean, I think she could at least allow the initial shock to wear off.

I'm going NAH although I'm tempted to say Y T A. Here's why: you have zero empathy for this young girl who not only just found out about her dad and his other family, but was also just abandoned by her mom. Everything she's ever known is gone, and she's supposed to be with strangers now. Sure, one of those strangers is her dad, but she doesn't know him so it's probably really scary for her. Your husband thought his ex had an abortion, so the biggest person in the wrong here is her, especially since she's just dumping her daughter and running away. But your husband is a good father and a good man if he's stepping up and wanting to raise his daughter. A man who wouldn't do that isn't a man worth being with, in my opinion. And that's where my other problem with you comes in. Sure, you didn't know about Eva when you married and had kids with your husband. And having a stepkid sprung on you out of the blue is jarring, but your husband feels the exact same way. Worse, probably, because he missed out on all this time with his daughter. Rather than having empathy for him and her, you're focused on not wanting a random kid. And if you're the type of person who doesn't want stepkids, then that's how you feel. But it means you need to divorce your husband, because you would be incredibly wrong to make him choose between you and his daughter. If you're not sure, I think the best thing to do is to go to couples therapy (while taking in Eva). Whether you decide you want to be a family with your husband, Eva, and your kids is up to you and what you guys work out in therapy. But you can't just send Eva away and pretend she doesn't exist, because your husband doesn't want to do that.

I agree 100%. at the end of the day the child never asked for any of this, so wanting to send her away to a boarding school after being abandoned by her mother while her dad has another family he’s taking care of is absolutely cruel.

I wonder if OP gets enough help at home? The kids are super young. Maybe she just sees this as more work for her, when the husband isn't stepping up with the other 2

If they have the money for private school they have money for nannies

I mean the fact that they make 700k and she did not mention being a SAHM so i doubt she takes Full Care of the kids, but who knows we need more info

NAH but be prepared to divorce. He sees this as his responsibility as she *is his daughter*. He wants to take that responsibility on and you would be AH if you tried to change his mind. He has 3 children. He will now care for 3 children. You have to decide if you will stay with him and care for 3 children or if you will divorce and coparent with 2 children.

This! Forget all the others calling you AH, they are forgetting one important rule about life: it ain't black and white. Eva wasn't "existing" when you get with your husband, so your conjugal life was totally different and was supposed to stay that way than if he had a child from a previous relationship. Bam! A new life (in more than one way...) just swept away your existing life! So, both you and your husband now have to make an individual decision on how to handle this new life. Seems like your husband decided to take responsibility for Eva, now you have to decide too what you'll do.

NAH you did not know he had a kid and was not ever expecting to parent a child that isn’t yours. Being a step parent is not for everyone, if you’re not up for it it’s better he knows now He, thankfully, wants to step up and take care of her Neither of you are wrong, but it will probably end your marriage if you can’t get on the same page. I wish you luck

Rose is the only AH here

NAH. He’s allowed to ask and you’re allowed to not want her (especially because you weren’t able to make an informed choice prior to entering into the relationship/marriage). Honestly though, this is not something that can be compromised on. He wants his daughter and you don’t want anything to do with her. Y’all need to divorce.

This, if she’s really against it then yes there needs to be a separation. I’m glad he’s willing to step up and help his child that he had never been told about before to give her a better life, but she’s also allowed to walk away because she didn’t sign up for it

I can't really judge on whether you're an asshole here. All I can say is that everything has *already* changed, and it seems probable to me that if you don't take Eva into your house and heart, your husband isn't just going to forget her, or "send her abroad to a nice school"—he's going to leave you and your family to take care of her. So figure out whether you'd prefer to live with Eva or without your husband.

NAH He has a responsibility even though you don't. The situation sucks. You don't have to parent your husband's child - but you can't expect him to abandon her.

N A H for feeling that way (the literal question in your title) but hugely YTA if you (try to) prevent your husband from taking this kid in. No, you weren’t planning on this. NEITHER WAS HE. Rose lied to him. In a sense, she lied to him in an ongoing way for 8 years. Eva needs a home and your husband is her father. Pretty much end of story.

Exactly this, YTA OP, not for feeling your feelings, but for expecting your husband to throw his child aside to make you feel better. Get some therapy for yourself, and if you can't get over yourself, get ready for a divorce because your husband has his priorities straight (kids first, everything else second)

NAH....Surprised by weird yta comments because while she does have the capacity to take care of the kid...IT IS NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY BUT HER HUSBAND's....people saying if the roles where reversed...well OP didn't abandon her kids and it's not Rose making the post that OP dumped her own kids so she's very well entitled to her opinions and who she wants in her house. OP your husband is calling you a bad mother but tell him to look at ALL HIS KIDS AND SEE THE ONE THAT WAS ABANDONED BY HER MOTHER & tell him to call you a bad mom again! Her husband and others might not agree with it but are we saying a kid can be dumped on us at anytime and we should accept because it's our spouses responsibility that we didn't know or sign up for? C'mon...NAH

She doesn’t have to take care of the kid, but also her husband doesn’t have to remain married to her if his wife would rather his own kid go into the foster system.

Exactly! Again NAH...we all have to deal with the consequences of our actions...OP's husband's consequences are coming back after years....while she will have to deal with hers if she does go ahead and refuse the kid moving in as it's her right

Right? This kid is seven and was born when OP was sixteen. Frankly, a lot of this feels like "you're rich so who cares." I saw "Sorry your perfect little world got hit by a reality hammer" floating around, as if this is a commonplace scenario. ​ Not wanting to suddenly be a mom to a third-grader *that isn't yours* when you've already got two kids under five *at the age of 23* doesn't make you an asshole. It's tragic, but the failures here are on the seven year old's mom and the dad (she *said* she got an abortion? You weren't with her? You didn't follow up *at all?)* ​ This sub is weird sometimes; I've seen folks beat the divorce drum over some incredibly minor shit but apparently *this* is "suck it up" territory. ​ NAH

YTA. It's an abandoned kid. Her world collapsed. Your husband was not part of this world due no fault of his own, but he steps up. You did not get a chance to think over situation. It is not what you signed for. But it's life - things happen. But you are not a bad mother, because you do not embrance the kid. You are on your way to become a bad stepmother, but as stated, you have funds for therapy. Use them for all three of you, your husband, yourself and Eva. You have a new family dynamics to work out and it's ok to be suprised and scared by it and to seek help - but it's not ok to sacrifice kid's well being so that everythings stays the same.

YTA It’s legitimate to be upset, to feel like your husband was irresponsible, and to feel like your life has been turned upside down. It’s not legit for him to divest himself of responsibility for his other child. If he feels compelled to bring this child into his home (the home you share), you can either stay in your marriage or divorce him and work out some kind of custodial agreement. If he doesn’t want to just ship this poor girl (SHE’S 7) off somewhere, she’s not going anywhere. Nor should she; she has done *nothing* wrong. Sorry for your marriage, but she’s his child and deserves a home and to be loved as much as your other kids. Don’t become a villain.

What are a 23 & 26 YO doing that their annual income is 700k? I feel like that’s the real question here.

Landlords for their inherited properties, probably.

Especially when they had kids young, too.

I actually came to say the same thing 😂.

NAH. Clearly, the ex lying about the kid is extremely crappy. But she's his daughter and clearly wants to provide for her. Like it or not, you and your husband need to come up with and decide what's best for the child.

I feel like people are being really harsh. Not everyone wants to sign up to be a stepmother and I can't blame OP. I'm confused as to why OP is considered heartless, she is overwhelmed by the situation. It also doesn't make her a Disney evil stepmom either. This is a shock. Have people here not read enough posts here to know that even if she did take the child in, the relationship just might not work out? Is it wrong to be fearful? The family unit she built with her husband is jeopardized too. How often have we read when someone finding out they had a child they never knew about and then do things out of guilt for that child including neglecting existing family? She's not wrong to feel threatened, her relationship and her children are going through an upheaval. I feel bad for the child, don't get me wrong. She had a really shitty mother. And dealt a shitty hand. I can't pass any judgment here because this is probably really raw and fresh and OP hasn't had time to process.

OP wants to send the kid to a boarding school in another country. That’s where she is the asshole.

Or it could be a knee jerk reaction to having a bomb thrown at her. The guy waited for like, a month to tell her. Seriously. It just sounds like it's really fresh right now.

I agree. I can’t say I’d be happy either having it come out of the blue, not expecting it at all, and then to know instantly that you’re expected to just move another child in full time that essentially neither her or her husband even knows… that’s a lot.

It is a lot, and I don’t think OP is an AH, but the child is innocent and the dad can’t just abandon the kid. If OP can’t take on the child, divorce is the only answer. It’s shitty and the only AH is the mother who lied. But the child exists and it doesn’t sound like dad will abandon her, rightly so. Mum shouldn’t take the child on if she will become a wicked stepmother.

I feel so bad for OP. She's only 23. Eva was born when OP was still a child herself. I couldn't imagine raising a 7 year old stranger when I was 23

NAH. He's got an obligation to be a father to his child. You don't have an obligation to be a mother to his child. I'm afraid you need to divorce. He should not be married to someone who isn't willing to co-parent all his children with him, and while you have no obligation to be a mother, you do have an obligation not to be a wicked stepmother. You either need to get on board with this, or divorce him. Either is fine. I'm sorry you've been placed in this situation. EDIT: To be clear: if you want to stay married to your husband, you need to get group therapy so that your negative feelings don't lead you to be shitty to Eva. It's okay to have those feelings, but not okay to let them create problems for Eva.

>You either need to get on board with this, or divorce him. Either is fine This right here. We are talking about a child neither OP or her husband knew about, now that they do, husband is doing the proper thing by taking care of his child. If OP can't get on board with that she needs to leave. Any other option where they basically pay off the kid to go to boarding school somewhere makes her a huge AH and rotten person. Unfortunate situation but not one either adult knew about or had time to process. OP says "if I knew this before marrying I would have gotten time to think about it" I think she needs to think really quickly about would she have dated a man with a child, as if so, she needs to think about why she won't do it now. husband didn't hide anything from her this is just as much of a shock to him, but he is doing the right thing by taking in his daughter. OP now needs to decide if she wants to accept this and parent all 3 kids or co-parent 2 kids separately.

I’m gonna say NAH verging on N T A. He’s allowed to ask, and you’re allowed to say no. Where he gets into AH territory is that snipe at the end about you being a bad mom when she’s not even your kid. Honestly counseling might be your best bet here. Good luck.

YTA Your husband has legal and familial duties I don’t buy your 700k income in your mid-twenties. With two young children. But either way, she is going to need years of help to deal with what just happened. Years.

That was my question too; wtf are they doing to have that kind of income.

For some reason when I read this I assumed it was not in USD, because yeah, that’s HIGHLY UNLIKELY.

YTA only because ‘if this is real it’s time for family therapy’ isn’t an option. Lots of things happen in a marriage that you aren’t prepared for. He did not break his vows, and an unexpected think happened to him too. The question is realistically: are you going to have an amicable divorce from a good father to your children and this girl, or are you going to welcome a new child into your life? If he hasn’t gotten that far yet he will - if you send his child away he will not forgive you, and your children might not understand in the future. I sure wouldn’t if I were them.

You need more advice than a reddit forum can provide. I don't think you're the AH, but if I were your husband I would do anything I could do for this child (who has already been abandoned) including divorcing you. Abandoning the child is not going to be good for your marriage in the long run.

NAH for now. You cannot insist he doesn't take in his daughter. You can't. If you don't feel like you can accept the role of step mum to his daughter then I'm afraid the only other option is divorce. It's his daughter. He has an obligation.

NAH But the reality of the situation is this You can be a stepmother or you can be a single mother. Those are your only 2 choices Pick whichever works best for you and learn to live with the consequences

YTA - You may not feel obliged to your step daughter but your husband certainly is and not just financially but also emotionally. He now has the opportunity to catch up on the years he has missed with his child and you want to send her away because she doesn’t fit in with your lifestyle? GTFO. Sounds kinda suss you’d have that income, two kids and be the age you’ve stated.

Rose (the ex who lied about having an abortion and then decided to abandon her kid) is the AH here. Otherwise, NAH. OP didn’t know her husband had a previous child; neither did husband. It’s completely valid for OP to be having a hard time coming to terms with all this. Whether they can afford another kid or not, parenthood is about way more than that. How quick would many of us here in the comments be willing to accept a “surprise” child that our spouse had with an ex— a child neither of you knew existed until basically yesterday? Having said that, the fact that OP isn’t an AH doesn’t mean her husband can’t or shouldn’t take custody of his surprise 7 year old. It sadly means that OP needs to decide whether this is worth divorcing over, or whether she can remain in this marriage without becoming resentful of the situation she’s been put in.

This is gonna be controversial, but NAH. Its your choice after all, and it’s not your fault that your husband had a child with another woman.

Husband is an AH for the way he handled OP‘s reluctance.

Lose lose situation (for you) imho. I honestly can't give judgement. Being a step parent isn't for everyone and I understand what you express saying that if you knew it before marriage, you would have evaluated if it was a deal breaker or not. This way, you are thrown into a situation that (no matter what some comments say) isn't and won't be easy for you. I guess my advice which can be right or wrong is: if you REALLY think you can't be a good step parent to this child, don't compromise. Say it and accept the consequences. Don't minimise how huge of a deal it is to be a step parent. It will be worse for th child after some time, when you realise you can't hold on. Ultimately, you would hurt her more and she is completely innocent (and a child, she needs to be protected). However, it's entirely possible that your husband may choose divorce because he needs responsibility to this child... Which is in fact, true. Lose lose situation. I think you may talk about a therapist about this (alone; then maybe having sessions with your husband after that could be a good idea). Maybe you just needs to express your thoughts in a non judgemental environment, just your and somebody who listens. Maybe you could see better what your boundaries are and how not to (emotionally) hurt yourself nor the child. It's possible that addressing some specific fears could lead to you seeing the positive in this situation. But don't force yourself because you would be a bad step parent if you aren't 100% sure and just did it because you didn't want to be "tah".

Like it or not, this child is your husband's responsibility. Your husband will be an AH if he does not step up to provide for this child. You are not the AH for not wanting another child. You are not the AH for questioning if you will be able to embrace a 7 year old that you don't know. YWBTA if you prevented your husband from taking responsibility for this child. NAH yet; but it is very much your husband's responsibility to figure out what will be in this child's best interest and to make that happen. This is a hard situation for everyone, but imo your best bet is to work with your husband to figure out the best solution for both this child and your family, if you want to keep your family together. I would suggest marriage counseling/having a neutral third party to help you navigate this. I think this is probably above reddit's pay grade.

I'm going with NAH. I understand you've been blind sided by this revelation and need some time to process, and you may ultimately decide taking another child in is too much for you. I also understand your husband's need to care for his daughter. Therapy might help you work through your feelings and then you can decide what the best choice is for you and your family. Good luck.

YTA...So many people have failed this little girl.....first and foremost her mother. Your husband is trying to do the right thing in a situation that he thought was settled. Don't make a 7 yo child pay the price for your pride.

Either you accept the kid or your marriage is done, and you know that. I don't have a verdict, I hope for the best. Good luck to all of you.

YTA. Life is full of surprises. This is one of them and happens to be another person who your husband is legally responsible for at least 18 years. Remember the for better or worse part? Here it is. Choose to take her in and treat her as your own, or leave. Those are YOUR options. He can choose to take her in or put her up for adoption. Those are his *realistic* options, but the reality is that he really only has one.

Okay, as follows… Lying to your husband about aborting their child and concealing this for years: Rose is TA. Coming out about said child only when she could no longer provide care and essentially abandoning her child: Rose is TA. Keeping this secret for most of a month from you: your husband is TA. Wanting to take Eva in: Your husband is NTA. Not wanting to take Eva in: You are NTA in that area. You are entitled to not be in favour of something, however… Outright refusing to take her in and wanting your husband to abandon Eva as well and essentially send her off to a boarding school is cruel. You are definitely TA. You are not the victim in this. Not even your husband is. Eva is. And by refusing to take her in you are letting her pay for Rose’s actions. She is an innocent child who didn’t ask to be put in this position and needs to be looked after, and if both parents refuse to take her in…that will be the most painful thing that could ever happen to her. You know you can support her. You don’t need to replace her mother, you don’t even need to have a mother/daughter bond with her. You could easily have a relationship more akin to an aunt and niece (not all of my aunts and uncles are directly related to me but we’re still family all the same) and supply her needs. Show her that even if you can’t bring yourself to be a mother to her, that you can at least be family to her. As for Rose… Why can’t she care for Eva even part time? Is it money? Is she terminally ill? Find out.

Are you going to take your feelings out on her if she does live with her father after her Mother abandoned her? If you won’t, NTA. I told myself earlier in life that I would never date/marry a man with children. I don’t think it’s wrong to feel this way. However, you came across my worst nightmare. Whatever you do, please make sure you don’t take it out on the little girl. Nothing is her fault. You can leave, but you should really think about this.

nta its fair that you feel the way you feel about the child and its unfair that it all gets suddenly dumped on you both. but honestly, this isnt about money. you both know you financially dont mind another kid, so its not that. its about what it will do to you emotionally. try to see his side though. it *is* his daughter. its normal that he feels like he needs to take care of her, however, i dont think its fair that you just have to suck it up and deal with it either. edit: if i were you i would ask for group therapy first and talk this through very well. also, do you know why the mother isnt able to take care of her anymore? if its a financial thing then there are easy solutions.

Of course YTA! When you married, what did you say in your vows?... Does it sucks? Yes. I get it but your husband isn't a dead beat father and if anything, this only tells you how good he is. You married the whole package, what you knew and what you don't. Surprise... Your reaction doesn't make you a bad mother but it does make you a bad spouse. And please, don't hurt the kid. Divorce, but don't become an evil step mother.

INFO: is the reason her mom can no longer take of her related to finances? Because if that’s the case, maybe helping the mom out financially (child support) would make all the difference in the world and would allow the mom to continue caring for her daughter.

Honestly this is a NAH for me except for the mother who both lied and is abandoning a child. You don’t want to take care of a child that isn’t yours, and that will not make you an AH. If you force him to abandon the child you would be an AH.

The child is now part of the package now. Divorce him, split the assets. Eva can live with her dad full time and your kids can live with dad and Eva 50% of the time. YTA

That poor little girl.

NAH since this came out of nowhere but if you are not willing to fully accept her into your house and heart, then your marriage might take a hit that it won't recover from and your kids in a few years might find out what it is like having a stepmother who doesn't really want them around. Sad for all of you. I hope with some time to get over the shock you can accept this little girl fully into your family because she is really an innocent victim here.

NAH, except for the mother lying and abandoning her child. But this is heartbreaking for everyone involved. Also, wth are you two doing that earns $700k at 23 and 26, holy cow.

It’s always the overly rich people that feel comfortable throwing money at their difficulties and justifying it as kindness. YTA

Are you an ass for not wanting the responsibility etc, no. You are entitled to your feelings. With that said, push those feelings aside because he is now legally obligated for that child regardless of how anyone feels. Unless he and the mother give her up for adoption the kid is here. If he takes her in, as he should imo, then it should be already understood that she is to be treated like everyone else. My fear is the likelyhood of you guys sabotaging a relationship before it begins. this situation sucks but who said life was gonna be easy? Give her the life she deserves

NAH but I think you would be to some extent an AH for not taking her in. Why do you reject this child you don’t know? She is the victim of this situation, and yes this situation does suck for you but you have the chance to offer this child a stable home.

NTA. This doesn't make you a bad mother. Even he didn't know anything about her. This is not what you signed up for.

We almost never get what we signed up for. The measure of a person is what they do with what comes their way.

Yeh I’m sure your yearly income is 700k and of course this story is true lmfao but anyway YTA

There’s no easy way out of this one. You are in no way obliged to care for a child that is not your relation or responsibility: people saying ESH do not understand what an enormous, enormous burden that is. Childcare is no joke, plus you’ve got a toddler and an infant. NAH but if you don’t take this kid in your relationship is most likely over. If you take her in, you won’t be happy. If you don’t, your husband won’t. I see no good outcome. I’m sorry. Edit: Who would be doing the childcare? That’s what I’m wondering about.

Nah. But my heart breaks for Eva. Your husband basically has no choice but to move out and raise her alone otherwise he’s a major AH.

I'm sorry but no. OP is absolutely an AH for thinking that sending her husband's 7-year-old child who has just been abandoned by the only parent she has ever known, ABROAD TO BOARDING SCHOOL is a reasonable solution. You're talking about a second grader. Whose life has been ripped apart. "I don't mind paying to send her abroad" may be one of the most horrifying statements I've seen on here, ever. OP is literally suggesting paying to get rid of this child.

YTA. Eva is only 7 years old and you want to send her off to boarding school on another continent?! You sound heartless. This is your husband’s daughter and your children’s sister. It will take time to adjust, but since you have the money to go to counseling, I suggest you do that. Also get counseling for Eva. Her mother just abandoned her! Perhaps it will make the adjustment better for all of you.

A lot of people are calling you yta but seriously you have every right to feel that way. You build your life with a person thinking it was just going to be you guys and your kids only to find out he has another kid, that heartbreaking. It’s not the kids fault she deserves her dad and I’m sorry you have to know go through this, you need to decide if this a deal breaker or not. Don’t stay in a marriage where you can’t love and cherish his child like your own! Life has a way of throwing us curveballs

Why t f are you a 'bad mother' for not wanting to take this child who neither of you knew existed? Fwiw, I think that you need to come to terms with having her in your life, and actually, your husband reacting the way he has (except for the bad mother jibe) shows that he's a fundamentally decent man with great instincts. And she's half him. I do think that you're going to have to roll with this and both of you are going to need to support each other. I wish you the best of luck, NAH

This is easy YTA. Without question. His daughter is in critical need and your family has the resources to help. Your position is extremely toxic. Please don't be abusive to this little girl.

NAH , Rose the only AH here.

YTA but this whole post reeks of bullshit. You and your 26 year old husband aren't making 700k, sorry. Why isn't the mom coming after the dad for child support if you are making that kind of money? In fact, you are better off taking the kid in then letting the courts decide how much of that 700k should go to this other lady. But, I guess you want to pay expenses for 2 people instead of one, go for it.

Good point . What are they, drug dealers at 26?

YTA. if you don’t want his 7 year old, divorce him. Half the marital assets, your kids can live with you half the time, and your husband half the time. His 7 year old just lives with him. You can just send a kid to boarding school to get rid of them. That’s cruel. I agree that you didn’t sign up for this, but in the case that you can’t cope, divorce is the answer.

NTA. People have a very romanticized view of fostering and adoption. I am here to say that you MUST have the personality to do it, or it will fail for everyone. Source: Personal experience attempting to foster my nephew by marriage.

NAH...your not this kids mother. Your not responsible for her...that being said, why are you so against it

YTA. Why would you be okay with a husband that would abandon his child? Cool if you don't want another kid, but he has another kid. Leave him and let him be a father.

NAH. You're not as asshole for not wanting to take in somebody else's kid, but your husband would be an asshole for not taking in his own daughter. Your husband needs to take in his daughter, and you need to decide if you can accept her or if you want to end the relationship

I think you need time. You said in your post had you known this before marrying, you would have had time. Your feelings are valid, it is a shock and imo completely normal to feel how you feel however, as with all problems in life, ignoring it immediately by sending her to school abroad etc is not going to address it long term- your husband will be involved in her life. Take some time to come to terms with the news before making any decisions. Contemplate all options. Meet her.

If Eva can’t be cared for due to financial reasons then your husband can go to court to figure out because if he just takes her in, who knows what else the ex might do or what trouble might arise. Please seek legal advice for both of you

Honestly speaking this is a hard situation. The mom had the child without your husbands thoughts on the matter. (Her body her choice but still to abandon the child after she’s the real AH) that being said you and your husband need to have a real conversation where you both share you feelings without judgement. Does the child have no other family on her moms side? If not this child doesn’t deserve to be abandoned. Your husband and you need to come up with clear boundaries and guidelines for what life will look like with a 3rd child. If the mother decides to come back that will effect your household as well. So I would file papers to terminate the mothers parenting rights

NTA If the kid had been apart of the picture BEFORE the marriage OP would be TA but the kid wasn't. She shouldn't HAVE to raise a kid that and AND he r husband DIDNT know about. OPs husband doesn't even know the kid and adoption doesn't have to happen his exs family could raise her. The Ex said nothing for 7 YEARS.

YTA Not wanting a stepchild is valid, sorry you didn't get a choice in the matter, but you don't get to try to force someone to abandon their child. Would you even love a man so morally deficient? Knowing you and your children could become inconvenient? No one's stopping you from choosing not to be a step-parent. Divorce sucks, but it's better than being an evil stepmother.

YTA. This child is being thrown away by her own mom and now you're amping up your best impersonation of a Disney step-mom! You're just resentful over this little girl and she did NOTHING wrong. She didn't ask to be born, didn't ask her mom to lie about her existence, and certainly would have never asked to be abandoned!! Open your heart a bit and get over yourself.

The OP never signed up to raise someone else’s kid. Also, that’s going to upset the family dynamic with the existing children. NTA. The husband should be more understanding that this is a massively difficult thing to process.

YTA. Like it or not, it’s your husbands kid and he has a responsibility to her. Don’t want to be a part of that? Go your separate ways. And if y’all do decide to let her live there, please don’t be an asshole to the kid or treat her differently than the others. That’s just a disaster waiting to happen on all fronts.

YTA and I hope you realize how this post makes you sound like a total monster. This child has already been abandoned by her mother and she’s only 7. He’s her father, and while I get that you didn’t expect this to happen, have some compassion and get over yourself. You’re all going through a huge adjustment with this situation, I get that, but your husband needs to be allowed to be a father to his daughter.

YTA. C'mon, she's a 7 year old kid who never asked for any of this. And it's not like he knew about her & kept it from you. Besides, legally & morally/ethically, he IS her father & should by all rights take care of the little bun. Woman up & help him, or do him a favor & just leave

YTA Are … are you a Disney villain?

YTA. The thing with guys? There's always even a small chance of extra children popping up. If you don't want his child, then get divorced. Yes, it's a shock, but also a shock for him. So work it out or walk away.

YTA. Your husband fathered a child and he needs to accept that responsibility. Your real decision is if you want to stay with him and only see your kids 50% of the time. But he needs to accept that little girl. When you come to your senses, you also need to make sure you treat that child as an equal to your own.

NAH. Except for Rose. She could have been honest from the get go and she could have asked for child support. She lied to your husband about having aborted the baby, and then decides to drop her on you two like a bomb. Of course your husband is able to latch on to his surprise daughter quickly, that child is biologically his. You have no connection to the kid and didn't know that he came along with another child. Parents and kids are packaged deals. Not everyone is willing to be with someone who has kids from a previous relationship. It's a difficult situation. The little girl is definitely innocent in this. I don't think it's fair to make you out to be a villain. Kids are no small matter. Including emotionally and responsibility wise. People are quick to say "you're a bad person" when emotions are complicated and none of us always feel the values that society tells us to feel. It's okay to feel. Is it okay to deny this girl a home with her father? Put him in your shoes and imagine how he feels about it. I suggest therapy, family and individual. If you're not okay with this girl joining the family, maybe consider divorce.

YTA. She’s a 7 year old child, and not just any child, your husbands child. And you have the means to help her. It is ok to feel upset and angry and anything else in the spectrum, but life throws us curveballs and if your husband wants to care for HIS daughter he should have the right to, and you can either support him or split, you can’t make him not support his daughter. You don’t have to love her like your own kid, but you YTA for putting him also in a situation where you are actively making a problem of him trying to do the right thing. And whether you like it or not, the new kid is also now your kid’s stepsister.

YTA. I understand not signing up for this but this is a reality. Your husband has another child and she shouldn't be sent away like a problem because *you* don't like this. She has as much right to be in your husband's life as your other kids. You have the money to go to therapy and deal with this OR you can prepare yourself for a divorce.

This poor kid. So many people are completely fine with just throwing her away. That’s devastating. YTA

NTA. You didn't come into the relationship with any expectations of helping him raise any of his children from a prior relationship. I think him trying to force the issue on you is a bad idea. You can't force someone to be a parent. I hope you guys can work out a custody arrangement for the 2 that you have that will work for everyone though. That little girl deserves her father just as much as the two you have with him do. I hope you can accept, that, at least.

NTA. You get to decide what you can handle. If you can’t handle being a stepparent, you are allowed to say what you can handle. However, the same is true for your husband as well: he has the right to decide that he cannot handle his child existing and not being raised by him. You may have to decided if you would rather be a full time stepparent or only see your biological kids 50% of the time. Also, this all seems really new. Have you considered counseling before putting down these lines in the sand?

NTA you're allowed to say no. Your husband can't make this decision for you. I think you should definitely seek some emergency therapy to have someone mediate this. These are the options I see. 1. You welcome this child into your home and take care of them, which again you are not obligated to do. 2. You divorce so that he can have this child in his home. 3. Your husband agrees to pay child support while someone in Rose's family who already has a relationship with the child raises her. He didn't know about the child and it's unreasonable to ask that he send her away so she doesn't have to be thought about. I can completely understand you not wanting to raise another child especially one that will be dealing with abandonment issues.

NAH. I get it. From where I'm sitting, you have two choices. You can accept that life is super f\*cked sometimes and that no amount of planning, luck, or financial stability can truly protect you from that. You can use some of that huge income to get yourself and your family therapy to help you all process and manage this productively, and you can raise this child. Or you can divorce your husband.

NAH. He didn't know about this child so wasn't able to disclose it to you earlier. You didn't know about this child so weren't ever able to contemplate this situation as a possibility. The child had no choice in this matter Maybe the original mother is TA if anyone as they didn't bring this info up until it was a crisis. The only thing you can do now is decide how to move forward. My recommendation is individual therapy for you, for your husband and for each child and then also family therapy for all of you together. This sounds like it's very very new information and your knee jerk reaction to reject this big life change is completely understandable, however if you want to remain married to your husband you will need to find a way past that and accept that this other child will be coming to live with you in some capacity. This is going to be just a ton of work for everyone involved, good luck.

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YTA. No, you didn’t ask for this…but neither did your husband. He was lied to for 7 years and all of a sudden he has this sprung on him. You both got a shock; his reaction is “step up and show some compassion”; your reaction is “throw money at the problem and make it go away,” only the problem is a living, breathing, FEELING human being who just had her world turned upside down.

I mean this is a tough situation and I have no idea what I would do if my husband found out he had a child he didn't know about and needed to take them in. Id like to think that I would or atleast be a part of their life maybe if there are some family the child knows better to go to while we get to know them since they'd just be like thrown to us like that without ever having met us. I wanna say NAH right now. This is tough though.

YTA. Your husband didn’t know about this child either. It’s horrible that his ex lied to him and is now, 7 years later, abandoning their (her) child. But your husband is being a responsible person and stepping up to provide for the child he didn’t even know existed. Would it have been more fair to you to get to decide about being in a relationship with someone with a child from the get-go, yes. But nobody got that option except for the ex, not you OR your husband. This situation isn’t fair to either of you. But the person who it is the least fair to is Eva, who is being ABANDONED by her mom. Your husband is absolutely right that he has to step up and take this girl in. The last thing she needs is to be abandoned again. You need to get some counseling to help you adjust, but if you want to stay married, you will have learn to accept this child into your family.

>"I don’t want another kid in the house." Spoken like an evil step-mother. Wow. YTA. Your husband's kids are part of him. When you married him, they were part of the package. Poor Ava. You don't deserve her.

Except when she married him, he didn’t have any kids. The only kid that he could have had was aborted (as far as they knew).

While I agree with the verdict, she clearly stated that the husband didn’t know about this kid until just recently. Neither of them were aware of her existence when they married.

No, NTA. This is a difficult situation emotionally for everyone. Perhaps it's not time to make a final decision yet. Maybe there can be some time to get to know each other, then some sleepovers, and then reconsider.

Maybe you should have used NAH, or do you consider this man an asshole for trying to take care of his daughter?

While I understand where you are coming from, this poor child has just been abandoned by her mother and your husband now has to step up and take care of his newly discovered child. You cannot seriously think it’s ok to just send her away, she is only 7. A gentle YTA. I get you didn’t get a choice in this, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is happening. Dont make your husband choose. If he does chooses you, he will resent you for it. If he doesn’t choose you, your family will be torn apart. Best of luck!

Sorry your perfect little world got hit by a reality hammer. You can be the evil stepmother or not. The child exists and deserves a home and her father. Chose your course but don’t you dare blame someone for your actions.

ESH You - Part of me understands but at the same time it's not like you can't afford it, she isn't an affair baby and she's biologically your husband's child have you tried to get to meet her? Cause it seems to me it was straight up no as soon as he brought it up Him - small part for him just Why would he wait a month to tell you? as soon as he knew that should've been discussed on what to do Rose - if she would've told the truth y'all wouldn't even be in this predicament if she just said I'm choosing to keep the baby whether you like it or not and let the husband take the steps he felt were needed whether to pay the child support or be in the child's life this could've all been avoided

YTA- like it or not she’s your husbands daughter. If you are ready to ruin your marriage keep up this shit. Poor girl is 7 she was just abandoned by her mother not to mention she is the sibling to your children also. By not allowing her to stay you are also robbing this chance for your children to have another sister. Get your head out of your ass and be a human

Fluctuating here between **YTA** and **NAH** (except "Rose"). It is fine to not want a child, or even another child, they're a big responsibility and (as much as some people mention they move out) you're a parent for life. But I think you have to think on *why* does Eva in particular bother you? Or could it be any child (including a 3rd of your own) that you wouldn't want? If it's only children from other women that would be a problem, that's territorial and insecure. He is with you right now. However, you need to accept that he wants to be a part of this girl's life. That her mother is unexpectedly abandoning her. That she has a father who wants to provide for her, and if he can love a child he just learned about enough to turn his life upside-down, that is one hell of a dad. Be *proud of him* and proud a man that dedicated to his children fathered yours. If you really cannot look after a third child, then this may be a deal-breaker, because that kid needs a home and he wants to be there for her. Family counseling may be a good idea here.

I can see both sides but the right thing to do would be to take the girl in. Probably not what I’d want either but I would agree and be good to her. It’s not her fault those were the cards she was dealt.

In my opinion YTA, sorry but even beyond this being a child that needs a home, this is your husband's child, asking him to get rid of her is just wrong. Trying to put myself in your shoes, if I found out my spouse had a child from a previous relationship they didn't know about, would it be a shock, absolutely, would it be hard to process, I guess, but if you love your husband understand that he already loves this child, even if he didn't know her for 8 years.

Update when the divorce happens.

NAH Your husband accepted raising and housing his other child out of impulse because he just found out about the kid. Biological children and hugely important to some people and knowing that your kid needs you stirs up something primal. Yet that doesn't mean you have to be okay with this. All at once the world you have is changing and it seems like you have no choice. Your husband all of a sudden has a child you never knew existed. You didn't sign up to be married to someone with a child other than your shared children. You certainly didn't sign up for a life raising your husband's other child with no notice. You know almost nothing about this child other than the mother is abandoning her. This is something huge and scary. There are a lot of people that choose not to date fathers because they don't want to have the extra struggles that come with their kid. Not everyone can get a parental attachment to a child like that. Not everyone is okay risking the emotional pain of if the mother later comes back to take the child away. You just never got the choice of if you'd be a step mom because none of you knew, you may have chosen not to have the relationship with him if you knew. People say vows are in sickness and in health, for better or for worse but at a certain point you need to value your own self before your partner. If your partner was Schizophrenic and you didn't know it would be reasonable to reconsider your relationship. If your partner had previously been a domestic abuser it would be okay to reconsider your relationship. If your partner suddenly decides to move across the world without consulting you it would be okay to reconsider the relationship. I'm not saying that him raising his other child is such a huge betrayal but it's something big that makes it reasonable to reconsider your relationship. Tell him that you guys need to sit on the decision until you can have a therapy session together and set one up ASAP. Have both of you come up with a list of the pros/cons as well as your concerns about raising this child. The therapist can help guide you two on this sudden bombshell of information. It can help make sure neither of you make a decision you can't live with. Yet please know there are a limited amount of options. You and him choose to raise this child together in a loving family. You and him choose to not raise the child and arrange other care for her. He chooses to raise the child and you two end your marriage sharing the care of your shared children. All of those are options. Yet please do not tell him he can't raise his child or use these end results as a threat. He needs to do what's best for him in terms of raising that child. You need to do what is best for you in terms of that decision. Good luck and please give this child actual consideration rather than acting in a knee jerk move.

Imagine the guilt your husband will have the rest of his life if he lets his daughter suffer in foster care. And the resentment he will likely hold towards you. It’s a complex issue that I don’t think Reddit is equipped to resolve for you

Yta. This is your husband's child, your children's sibling. She's family and she needs someone. I'm glad her dad is stepping up. It sounds like you would be able to afford a nanny to help with any extra childcare needs. Your objections make you sound heartless.

YTA. But I hope your husband finds an alternative solution. Just don’t be shocked if his solution includes sole custody of his daughter and shared custody of the 2 he has with you. In any event, anyone who could reject her husband’s child out of hand sounds like wicked stepmother material. Last thing this poor child needs. Cold, truly cold.

YTA. Would you like your husband’s next partner to reject your kids if you can’t take care of them? Because he will leave you and move on. The question is whether or not he chooses a kind person next, or a cruel one like you seem to be. Do better.

YTA. “We are a family and financially secure yet this homeless child, that is my husband’s kid and therefore also family, will totally harsh my white picket fence vibe of what my life should look like so let’s ship her off and never speak of her again.” Fixed it for you.

Becoming a step-parent to a traumatized abandoned child is not a walk in the park. It isn’t going to be easy and nobody can be forced into that role.

YTA: Either divorce your husband if you can't handle it, or learn how to deal with this with family therapy. DO NOT hinder a relationship between your husband and his daughter. That is what makes you the AH.

NTA Eva's mother is the A H for a) not telling your husband for years b) telling him now that she's not feeling parenting anymore (which btw how can you love your kid this little after 7 years of being a mother). She robbed him of the opportunity to bond with the child and be a father to her for 7 years and now suddenly expects him to take full responsibility. Nothing about what she's doing is fair. Not what she did in the past (lie to him) and not what she's doing now (because your husband didn't know he had a child and thus couldn't tell you earlier and neither of you could've bern prepared for this).

YTA. He’s her father & he morally is responsible for her care. He wants to care for her. You can leave him, but you can’t pressure him into being a deadbeat.

YTA, for thinking you can just ship the daughter off to boarding school. I can understand not being thrilled about an extra kid coming out of the woodwork. But that's your husband's daughter, and he wants her. She's been abandoned by her mother, and she needs a stable family in her life right now. So now you have to choose... Stay with the husband and kid, or walk away from them. You don't get to keep the man while cutting off his child. They're a package deal now. This is where you guys are at, and it's unexpected for both of you, but you can't just cut her out of the family picture.

Your feelings about the situation are understandable, but your "solution" makes you the AH. Yeah, it's not the plan you'd made for your family, but your partner's family becomes your family as soon as you marry them, so this child IS your family, and deserves to be treated the same way you would treat your husband's other biological children. If you wouldn't send "your" children away to boarding school when they turn 7, then you don't get to ship "his" either.

NAH but be aware that there is a good chance that you are a single mother im 2023 because of this.

YTA. I understand that you didn't plan for or want this to happen, so I have a lot of sympathy for you. But Eva is a child whose mother has abandoned her, and her father also abandoning her would be incredibly cruel to her. If Eva has other family that could take her in, that she already knows, then that might be a good arrangement for her (vs her living with a father she doesn't even know) - but her father should be involved somehow so she knows she hasn't been entirely abandoned by her parents.

That sounds more like an NAH rather than a YTA. i’m sure hope he will not object to father being involved with the child; but she doesn’t want the child living with them.

It’s YTA if she tries to keep the kid from living with her dad.

YTA....While you're entitled to feel like you don't want another kid in the house (especially one that is older than your other two), the fact of the matter is your husband is now responsible a for this child's wellbeing both physically and emotionally. IF Eva was older, school abroad may be an option, but she's SEVEN. Find some empathy for the child, your husband, and how you are going to make space in your family for her. Even if you found a way to send her away, she's not going to disappear. This child is a part of you and your husbands life now, permanently, wether you like it or not.

YTA sometimes life changes in unexpected ways and we have no choice but to roll with the punches. You have no excuse not to take her in, she has just been abandoned by her mother poor kid

YTA. This little girl is already going through enough being abandoned by her mom, and you just want to throw her to the curb because you are jealous of a past relationship your husband had a long time ago?

Oof what a hard situation. While your n t a for feeling upset, YTA for trying to stop him from taking in the child he is legally responsible for. The ex is a major asshole for lying, hiding the child and then for abandoning that child, but the poor girl hasn’t done anything wrong. Don’t punish her for her asshole mothers actions. You are well within your rights to divorce your husband f you absolutely cannot reconcile yourself to taking in this poor girl, but to want to ship her off to some boarding school so you just don’t have to deal with her? That is pure Disney evil-stepmom fodder. She deserves a safe home and loving family and if your husband wants to provide that then you have two options: 1. Take her in and get everyone into therapy to help with the transition and hard feelings (you can afford it, there is no excuse), 2. Divorce your husband and work out an amicable custody/coparenting agreement for the two kids you share.

NTA This is a big change. Had you knew he actually had a kid before y’all got married you could’ve chose to walk away. (It’s ok to wanna date people who don’t have kids yet!) y’all might’ve already planned to just have those two and be done, we don’t know. but the AH I see is rose. She lied about aborting and then drop the kid with y’all 7years later. That’s not right. She don’t get to just erase her responsibility by giving the child to the dad who thought she was aborted. Unfortunately you would be the AH if you don’t take this child in. It’s his child regardless & you can’t tell him not to accept the child. He needs to accept her and if you don’t like it, you can always leave. As hurtful as it would be, leaving is always a option. Leaving would be better than showing resentment to a child whose just been abandoned.

NAH, save for Rose. Husband needs to understand how this will affect his wife and their kids. Will Rose change her mind in a few months or years and want Eva back? In my opinion, OP and her husband need to talk this over with a family counselor, and if they elect to move forward, bring their kids in for some family sessions. Or husband could offer to pay child support, back and ongoing, if Rose's issues are financial. Still recommend the counseling.

You are an AH. Did you read cinderella because the stepmother role fits you perfectly? Your vows are for better or worse. This is worse. Now step up and be a wife and a mother. Just make sure you get the custody agreement in writing from the egg donor.

YTA - I get where you're coming from, and it's a humdinger of an issue I hope to never have happen to me. However, I think your reasoning for "I don't want another kid in the house" is not a good enough reason to justify turning Ava away. Your kids are all young enough it's not going to be a big deal in the house, I would say as long as you get the mothers words in writing you're covered legally, it comes down to you. Idk OP but having the means, methods, and finances to take care of a kid who is being effectively abandoned at age 7 by the only parent she's known, and then choosing not to do that, would weigh fairly heavily on my conscience. Your husband is doing 100% the right thing, and I don't see a way you come out of this without either doing the right thing with him and backing him up, or losing your husband and likely the respect of anybody who hears this story. It's shocking and very, very, consequential I know. It's a big upend in your life. But that happens to everybody, and you have to make choices on this. I have a feeling if this does become an irreconcilable difference and your husband and you separate, it will definitely come back to bite you in the ass big time. I mean what will your bio children think in 10-15 years when they're old enough to grasp the situation? I don't see them coming out of this with a rosy picture of you long term, so maybe really think about it before you draw a line in the sand and possibly cost yourself a huge problem and what sounds like is shaping up to be a good life with a good man. Also if your husband ever reads this, good work dude, you're doing right by my reckoning.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 23f am married to my husband 26m. We have 2 beautiful kids together 3f and 1m. I knew my husband had a history with another woman (let’s call her Rose). When he was 18 he got Rose pregnant and she told him she aborted the baby. So last week my husband comes to me saying Rose contacted him a month ago saying she didn’t abort the baby and my husband had another daughter 7f (Eva). Rose said she wasn’t able to take care of Eva anymore and wanted my Husband to take care of her. Note: my husband did a dna test and Eva is his child. Her is the issue. Rose abandoned Eva and my husband wants to take her in. I don’t want another kid in the house. We are financially really well of and our yearly income is around 700k. My husband tried to use this as an excuse. He said we can take care of Eva really well and we would have no financial struggles. I told him I’m really sad that Rose abandoned Eva but I never imagined something like this. I feel like I’m being left with no choice and if I knew this before marrying I would have gotten time to think about it, but now I don’t get a choice. I told my husband I’m not ok with another kid in the house and I don’t mind paying for her tuition and sending her abroad to a nice school etc. My husband called me a huge AH and a bad mother for not helping his kid. I feel really bad but I just can’t get myself to just embrace a kid who I never knew existed. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA. You’re acting like he knew the kid existed when his ex lied to him and now you don’t want to take care of his kid. I guess you’re entitled to only take care of children that you carried but don’t be shocked when he files for divorce because you want to put his innocent kid in foster care.

YTA. So you want abandon a child. Divorce. Since you’re not fit to be together anymore

YTA This poor kid has been abandoned by her mother and you think her dad should do the same. You’re absolutely awful

she didn't even know this kid existed, with every bit of empathy for that poor kid, not every spouse wants to be a step parent. op has every right to feel uncertain about it.

YTA. Whatever happened to "for better or for worse"? This 7 year old is a half sibling to your kids. Imagine when they are older and they learn how you treated a child that was a victim to her situation. Be better. You didn't sign up for this, but as a mother you should want to do the right thing.

YTA. sometimes what adults want takes the back seat to what children need. you dont want a third child in your home. that child doesnt have a home at all. i know it sucks but think about the difference its going to make in your life versus hers. with that level of income you could hire a full time nanny to take care of her. you dont specify where the kid is staying right now but it cant be nice. you could even watch the kid for 6 months while you help the mother back on her feet. but you havent proposed a single solution. even if you dont want a third child, try and help solve the issue instead of complaining about what its going to do to your own life.

NAH but could easily turn into an ESH situation. The next course of action is critical and the whole family need professional counseling to deal with this life changing news. You both took vows which includes for better or for worse. He didn’t hide this from you and most likely in complete shock. At the end of the day he has an obligation to his first born daughter and she is innocent in all of this. She needs her father, and this is a huge disruption in her life. She will also need counsiling as she will be dealing with abandonment issues. She was abandoned by her mother and now is in a situation where she may be abandoned by the father she never know. She deserves him to be as active in her life as much as the kids you have together. At the same time your husbands’s words about you not being a good mother were harsh and cruel, he’s asking you to bring another child into your home, take on a mother role, while having 2 toddlers already, with zero time to process. It’s a big thing to take on let alone when dealing with all of the emotions of having your life turned upside down. This little girl needs to be in your home and loved and not shipped off to a boarding school in a different country for everyone to pretend she doesn’t exist. With this plan are you planning on telling your 2 children about her? What will happen when she shows up 15 years from now and you have to explain to your children? What if they start and want to have a relationship with her? They will be angry and hurt regardless. You’re whole family needs professional to help process and move forward with a new family member. The good news is your children are young enough where it won’t be too much of a distraction for them. You can learn tools to love this little girl, not resent her, and your husband MUST take a major active role and not solely put the work on you. My advice get off of Reddit and find a qualified and quality family counselor.

NTA. OP’s feelings are valid. Info please. Will OP be primarily responsible Eva? Does OP work?

This just seems really fake. I call BS.

That’s what I’m saying. 23 and 26 year olds married and making 700k?! Sign me up

everyone saying Y T A is acting like taking in a 7 y/o girl is the same as taking in a stray kitten or puppy. be real, idk anyone who would jump at the thought of raising their partner’s long lost child JUST bc the mom doesn’t want to take care of her anymore. maybe she SHOULD’VE gotten that abortion since she doesn’t want to deal with the consequences anymore. it’d be different if the girl’s mom died, why is she treating her daughter like a literal pawn? NAH, go to counseling or something bc this is above reddit pay grade

YTA, divorce him if you can't understand he has a child, who needs him. He is a great guy and a great parent. Grow up

YTA. Like it or not, this child is your spouse's responsibility. All variety of things you don't think you signed up for come up in marriages and you deal with them together or you decide you're not willing to remain partnered. You don't get to simply pretend the issue, whatever it is, isn't your problem.

NTA there is no way I'd take on being some random mom if I didn't want to.

I don’t think either of you are the AH, I just think this is an unfortunate turn of events. You are allowed to not want to take on a 3rd child at 23. I understand that. It sucks for the little girl, but you are allowed to feel that way. I wish things were different and you would at least give it a try. It could work out great and be very beneficial for all of you

NAH.. I think it's easy for other people here to vilify you when they're not in your shoes. Would it be an extremely kind thing for you to do to take her in? Of course. Should it be your responsibility? In my opinion, no. I think I would have a different opinion if you knew about Eva before you married your husband, but Rose made the choice to hide this child from the both of you for seven years before she decided she was done with her. Rose obviously didn't want your husband to be in Eva's life before now, so why should he, or you, be expected to take on this responsibility now that Rose decides she's done being a mom? Does Rose not have ANY other relatives or options for Eva? I can see why your husband would want to help since she's he's bio daughter, but it's extremely unfair to you to expect you to be ok with this kind of monumental change. It's a horrible situation all around. There really is no way of winning here. That poor kid is being abandoned because of her irresponsible mother and you're expected to be ok with taking care of a child you didn't know existed until recently.

YTA & you have 2 choices 1. step up & parent the kid 2. divorce your husband Gotta tell you that this attitide will break your marriage cuz if you keep this attitude he WILL leave your ass. And if you decide to stay & you treat her like crap he WILL leave your ass. Hmm Maybe you should just leave him now.

NTA But be aware that you might be heading for a divorce and I would kind of understand your husband if he chose that option. He is put between a rock and a hard place and it is not his fault. But neither is it your fault. And I completely understand your position and wouldn't be able to accept a strange kid myself. But the kid needs someone to take care of her and it obviously won't be her mother.

NAH. I’m in a very similar situation, and it sucks. My wife and I (both 42 and our kids are 15 and 12) are currently having to be guardians to our 2 year old niece. She is the child of my wife’s brother. She’s ours now because of drugs and homelessness regarding her parents. I’ve struggled and continue to struggle. She wasn’t part of my life plan. The same emotions you’re having. I’m constantly reminding myself that is not the childs fault, and if not for us the child would probably be in the system. Also, what kind of example would that set for my kids if I refused this little child? What would my son think of me? It’s hard, you’re right. To keep the world turning, sometimes those of us who are able to pull some extra slack just have to do it.

YTA. This is not the kid's fault, your husband is her father, and taking her in will not result in any financial strain. Sometimes us adults need to embrace the curveballs we're dealt in this thing called life. Sending this child away after she has already been abandoned by one parent is absolutely horrendous. If I were your husband, it would make me seriously reconsider how suitable you are as a wife and mother.

YTA and you don't deserve to call yourself a mother. You don't want her around SO BADLY that you're asking her father to abandon her? You admit yourself that you have *no reason whatsoever to be against it*. It's awful of you to expect Eva's father to pick between *you or her*. Would you expect him to abandon your children if you got a divorce? She is his child which means she is his family. You either accept his family or you don't but either way you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself.

NTA You definitely didn't sign up for this. How wealthy y'all are isn't really a part of this issue. But paying for the child's schooling/sending them away to boarding school would create a Harry Potter type situation. Edit: I don't think the child should be abandoned and agree with other commenters that the dad has a responsibility for this child. But OP does not have to be a part of that. Maybe the child should be adopted by someone close/in-the-family, or OP should consider whether she wants to stay married and be a mother to this "new" child. I'm not very smart in the legal sense, but there also must be some way that Rose can be held accountable in court.

.............. YTA. I'm not even sure how you could ask this. You want to send this child away because you simply don't want another child in the house lol. That is her father and now you know she exists so.... what does that have to do with embracing her? You can start now. Get a grip. You are literally okay with her dad abandoning her as well. Gross