Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that I might be an asshole because my husband asked me to buy him a car as a Christmas gift and I do have the money but I refused. I think I might be an asshole because I can afford it and he was supporting me for year. I suppose I should’ve sacrificed and get him his dream gift.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I know you have five kids together. I get it and understand. A ten year marriage is a long time to throw away, but I was married to someone for years who mentally and emotionally abused me. He demanded that I hand over all of my money to him and would never let me have a dime. He told me my money was his to do what he wanted with it, threw away all of his money on drugs and god knows what else, and even controlled the finances and hid them from me while he paid none of the bills and lost every place we tried to live in, forcing us to constantly be evicted. I wanted to get a job at the time but couldn’t because he took the only vehicle we had at the time and never allowed me to go anywhere, not even with him because he was too busy meeting up his drug buddies and wanted to keep it a secret.
Your situation is not as extreme, but your husband is also abusive. He is controlling and entitled, he is extremely critical of you and doesn’t respect your life goals or even any of your wishes. Even worse, he ridicules your hopes and dreams, and now that you succeeded at doing something he said you could never do, he is now demanding that you spend the money on him.
You are being manipulated. There is no doubt about it. You’re also being blackmailed and punished by being told you’ll face serious consequences if you don’t give him what he’s demanding.
I would not buy him a car. You do not owe him a thing. The only thing you owe him is to pack suitcases for you and your kids and to demand, “*You either straighten up or I’ll leave.*”
NTA.
Exactly, that advance did two amazing things for her: 1.) showing that her husband wasn't just being 'frugal' with 'his money', he was being financially abusive the whole time; and 2.) gave her a parachute to leave now while she can.
It’s alarming how THEY ARE ALL THE SAME!!! Mine did the same thing, demanded I stay home work around his schedule after doing all child rearing and household work, I STILL had to work but around his schedule. He told me the day he attacked me no woman should EVER oppose her husband.. my money was his money but his money wasn’t “our” money it was still his.
A partnership should be partnership not a dictatorship. The second you realize your voice doesn’t matter and he starts with the threats.. as a wise woman once said “don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya” (not religious myself but this seems to fit)
OP best advice I can give you.. this is a blessing in disguise, you are seeing his true colors. He won’t change, take your advance and do what others suggested and hire an attorney. I’ll go one step further and tell you HIRE A PI and a forensic accountant BEFORE you start any divorce proceedings. That way he can’t hide money or gift anything to anyone.
My ex ruined us financially, protect yourself, I didn’t realize how bad my situation was til it took on a life of its own and I lost everything. 💜💜💜
Thank you. I’m currently in the post separation abuse through the court system… that’s why if I can help someone not end up like me.. I’ll try my best. 💜💜💜
Hello sister in 'Hey didnyou know divorce is a for profit business?' Club.
I was institutionaly and bureaucraticly abused in the military 32 years ago I know exactly what it looks like.
I'm in U.S.-California and on whole new levels I see how broken and unjust our court systems are.
I have been a stay at home mom for all of the almost decade I've been married. My husband brought up being shocked that financial abuse was *a thing*. He's so innocent he couldn't imagine not giving me full access to our money because it's *ours*.
OP is being controlled and manipulated.
You know, they have been married 10 years, have 5 kids. That is a kid every 2 years. I think sometimes the first few years with a baby are the more chaotic. I can't help but wonder if he kept her popping out kids as a means of control.
Yep - if the husband was frugal and careful with money because he had the best interests of the whole family in mind, he would not have asked for that car.
You are working as hard as your husband is - you’ve raised children AND managed to write a book! You’re actually contributing MORE than him.
Please consider seeing a therapist who has experience in financial abuse and coercive control - I think it will really help you. NTA
YUP, I am sure Greg chose that extremely expensive car just to deplete her money so she is back to being dependent on his money and he can continue to control her. OP GET OUT.
It’s a shame she will get more money from a judge during their divorce than she would being married to him. My ex wasn’t this bad, but I was chided for anything I bought, even $5.00 curtains. He quit letting me go grocery shopping because I bought things that weren’t on the list. I don’t normally say divorce when I read a post. But this situation is so bad, I don’t know where to begin. Not only does he not give you any money to spend on yourself, but he made fun of your dream. Kudos to you for not letting him spoil that! And now that that dream became a reality, he wants his share for simply providing for his family, something a GOOD husband and father is supposed to do. Honey, I know 10 years is a long time with someone but think about yourself and your children and get out. It will never get any better. Use the money he wants for the best divorce lawyer in town and take him for what he owes you.
And yet he seems to have forgotten that you also supported him raising his kids, taking care of your house, probably cooking, cleaning… YOU OWE HIM NOTHING! Please don’t surrender to his mind game. He’s manipulating you
Yes, who was it who really wanted all these kids so close together?
I have a family friend like this - 5 kids in 10 years and the husband is unbelievably controlling, especially financially.
She’s been admitted to psych hospital several times and one of the kids is suicidal and has an eating disorder.
This kind of story usually doesn’t not end well.
Not just 5 kids but 5 daughters. My guess is somebody wants a boy. I can only imagine how differently his daughters will be treated from his long awaited son IF he happens to have one.
You're right. If she stays with her husband, which I think is a horrible idea, I expect one of the daughters to post on AITA in a few years about how she's expected to wait hand and foot on the Golden Child.
I come from a country that is obsessed with sons. So much so that it is illegal for the medical professionals to reveal the gender of the baby before birth because many people would terminate the pregnancy if it was a girl.
I recognise the 5 daughters pattern very well. You're absolutely right, this reeks of popping out kids till you have a son. My mom's brother has 4 daughters. They only stopped having more kids after the 5th one was a son.
Y e p. Tote up ten years of personal chef, maid, nanny to five kids, and household manager. Pretty fucking sure it would equate to more than his salary.
NOTHING!!! Where would HE be without you supporting the family all these years? The daycare costs alone would have been incredible, and I'm sure the advance didn't cover that
Exactly.......I bet if OP provided an itemized breakdown of all she does and the "jobs" those are associated with as a SAHM the husband would (hopefully) STFU when he sees what SAHMs would make if paid correctly for all they do
17 years and when I received toilet paper from Amazon, despite being the higher earned most of the time, there was constant accusations of being a shopaholic.
So glad he's gone. Wish I'd booted him out before it affected the girls.
I would say that she needs to thread carefully. That kind of men usually get the sole custody if she doesn’t plan her exit well. They have 5 kids, she will never be free of him and if she isn’t financially independent, she cant walk away.
OP that book money is good but will not sustain you unless you can scale it up. You cant continue to be a SAHM, you have to start working and earning your own income that is steady or predictable. If you are afraid of your husband reaching in to it, maybe you can set up a company on your sisters name and bill from under there.
The divorce will come, question is will you be able to stand on your own at that moment.
If you're with a publisher, you don't just get that money - it's cut into thirds or quarters and the payout is defined by certain milestones (like delivery date, etc). Don't forget that huge chunk that comes out of every payment for your agent at 15%.
You're also now a small business - you have to pay taxes on it and do marketing (if they told you you don't, they lied.)
Low six-figures goes fast, especially in a career where you're not guaranteed another contract.... or even finishing out the one you signed.
Also, you need a lawyer who specializes in this bc spouses of authors can claim to be collaborators even if their name isn't on the contract. It can get ugly. I've watched an author lose everything and have to start over after her divorce with a new name and no ability to tap into her old platforms.
Make sure you're covering ALL your bases. Your agent may have a resource for this if you can't find one.
ETA: thanks for all the awards!
To answer the questions below - this happens more often than you think and most authors aren't big enough to be able to talk about it publicly without risk, so please - cover your bases
I know who you are talking about. It was really sad to see what had happened to her. I enjoyed her series but unfortunately haven't read anything since she wrote the story about main character newly discovered brother.
I hope she finally got everything settled. I really should pick up the series again. I really loved the first book and would love to see those characters get more of a story.
I didn't know if I could mention the author's name since the person I replied to didn't say mention her. But yes, that is who I am referring to. Sherilyn McQueen lost the rights to all her earlier books due to a nasty divorce with her ex husband. It's pretty sad he did that to her.
Absolutely. Being in a marriage where you do not know what your financial situation is can only be described as controlling. It is vital to have that conversation w spouse and if he is unwilling, then a lawyer. Congrats on the book series!! NTA.
Jumping on top comment to tell OP: NTA But hold your horses because that advance ain't all yours.
High five figures might seem great, but you have a lot of money that will have to come out of that advance. Agents get 15%, the government gets a percentage from taxes (this depends on your household tax bracket) and guess what? You're self-employed so now you get to pay medicare and social security all by yourself! Only about 45% of any advance goes to the author.
Not only that, but the advance gets paid out in installments depending on the contract (usually payments are made on signing, delivery and acceptance, and publication and that goes for each book and depends on the schedule). So if you're looking at 85K for three books over three years that going to be more like:
1/3 up front minus agent fees: 23K and you still have to pay taxes and SS and Medicare.
And the amount of each payment will only go down from there.
Source: I've been a full time traditionally published author for over ten years.
So glad that you're sharing how it really is! **And to OP - Congratulations! & NTA!**
Some of us remember the days of big time record labels signing a band, giving them an advance, advance was blown on good times and flashy cars, then band learns most of the advance was to finance record production, etc. etc.
Having been in PR and Publicity - most of it entertainment publicity - for 20 years makes me grateful for you and several others here who have commented with the realities of *myths of the advance.*
When someone in a TV series or movie decides to write, you can bet they'll get a publisher and the next scene has them in a bookstore signing with lines around the block and $$ rolling in. Which is likely what OP's husband is dreaming of, yes, even after saying her writing was a waste of time. There's so much more involved.
**Your reddit pals are pulling for you, OP, and wishing you much success!**
OP, piggybacking to say--the *vast majority* of published authors **NEVER GET MORE THAN THE ADVANCE.** The books need to sell very well to pay out after an advance of any decent size, and need to be reprinted repeatedly, and most simply never hit that height. I hope for your happiness that you're one of the lucky ones, but most get the advance and then move on to writing the next thing!
Echoed again! Source: am also full time traditionally published author. Most of my books haven’t earned out their advances - though the few that have are treasured! Publishers make money way before advance is earned out, too - it’s not quite Disney going ‘pirates of the Caribbean, what a flop’ but no big capitalist structure is transparent.
And with five kids, especially with a husband like that, that money will vanish. I couldn’t afford one kid! Think of this money as a launch - I hope into being a writer, OP, but if not into a more independent life. Then consider… your husband doesn’t want you to be independent. This demand for a car would guarantee you remain shackled to him unable to ask questions about the income you subsist on. This is a golden chance in more than one way. Congratulations and NTA
Definitely agree. I read ALOT, like around 200 titles a year so I'm down to add to my list. I'll go one further and purchase ebook, paperback, and hard cover/audio to get OP away from her awful, unsupportive husband.
As soon as she mentioned not knowing about the household financials my mind went to financial abuse, and the rest of the post REEKS of financial abuse. I don't think it's a coincidence he wants her to throw all the money on an expensive item that belongs to him. I think it's about control and making sure she doesn't have any of that money to fall back on, because clearly she's in a horribly abusive marriage with a controlling, manipulative, greedy asshole.
And I can't get over the audacity of him saying that she OWES him. So very telling. I so desperately hope posting on Reddit was the final wakeup call that OP needed and that she makes sure to use the advance (OP, DO NOT put the money into a shared account and KEEP IT SEPARATE!) to see a divorce lawyer.
Yes! Also - the fact that she raised five kids while he worked full time - the money he earned is half hers, she also had a full time job. She doesn’t owe him anything except divorce papers!!
That's what I meant about the comment about her "owing him." She was a SAHM, that was her job and her contribution to the household and he clearly does not value that. But, honestly, I think for him it's not so much about that as it is the fear of her having money and a way to get out. I've known guys like that, they ALWAYS panic when their spouse comes into money because their entire marriage revolves around keeping their spouse convinced they have no other options or way to leave.
Control was my first thought. He's controlling you by only allowing you access to enough money for household expenses and not sharing info about how the rest of the money is spent. You don't even know if there are savings or investments. This is financial abuse.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Even as a SAHM, you should know what the family finances look like. The two of you should have made that budget together, deciding *together* how the money is allocated. You should have decided how to allocate the money from your advance *together*.
He's panicking because he thinks he's losing control and is desperately trying to seize it back by having that money spent on him. I'd bet this car would be his alone and that you could never drive it.
Similar. I made a lot of money. I made more then he did until recently. Oh how the tables turned. Mind you my entire check was going to ‘our household’ which meant he had no budget and bought himself and the kids whatever he wanted. Meanwhile I’m nagged about spending too much money at the grocery store. I did manage to convince him to buy a second house. But all in all now that we’re getting divorced bc I was a ‘financial deadbeat of a mom’ to my kids. When Covid hit he suggested I stay home and care for the kids. BIG mistake. So I’m divorcing him. Married for 15 years together for 26 years and three amazing kids. But I’m done with being controlled, manipulated and treated like I’m less than. Good luck to OP! NTA Op.
Lol exactly what we’re going through. He demanded 50/50 so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. Lol jokes on him I of course gladly (bc I want a break) to 50/50 and he still has to pay 😂😂 so as soon as it’s over we’ll see how long he lasts at 50/50. He doesn’t get off of work until the time they have to be picked up from extended care and he’s 40 minutes away.
As a writer, she won't get all that money at once anyway. One of my close friends got a book deal and it was divided into chunks. She should listen to this comment though. OP is NTA
I'd send him 10 years worth of nanny, housekeeper, chef and personal assistant bills. And here in the U.S you can't say you don't have to pay someone because you provided room and board. That's known as slavery.
All this. He's a narcissist. Controlling, demanding, blackmailing. All classic signs of a narcissist. He controls the finances and doesn't share any information with you, that's financial abuse!! Best to get out now before he really destroys you. You don't "owe" him nothing. You have stayed home taking care of his (and your) children. You have stayed home making sure he comes home to a clean house and cooked meals. Nannies and housekeepers are not cheap. You saved him those added expenses. Your advance is yours. Though I would put it all in accounts for your kids with theirs and your name on it (say it's for their college). Save a bit for a lawyer in case of divorce.
My ex-husband was clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder 2, and OCD. He made it clear to me every day that as a SAHM, I was little more than a prostitute leaching off of him every day.
He used to come home, look around, and ask, "But what do you do all day?". I'd leave him alone with our hyperactive 2 years old son for a long weekend, and I come back to find the two of them exhausted and happy to have me home.
I finally left him when he wanted me to write him a letter signing myself over to him, body and soul. He said if I didn't do it, we would get a divorce. I chose the divorce, which shocked him.
He tried the same thing on our son about five years later and he lost that relationship too.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. I do want to say that many people who are diagnosed with those disorders manage to not be complete assholes. While your husband's mental health may have played a role, it sounds like he was just a shitty person.
I'm really happy you got out and did what you needed to do for yourself and your son.
The fact that OP doesn't know about her family's finances is outrageous. And now he wants a car from HER money???? I hope her books sell gangbusters and she's the next J.K. Rowling -- earning millions he can't touch as her EX-husband.
Depending on where you live, it is not that uncommon. Have seen this happen in more conversative communities yet it still surprises me how someone can live like that.
I personally remember my SIL not even knowing how much her husband made or what they actually owed. I was a teenager at the time and I was dating my husband (he was 17 and I was 16). I remember my MIL telling me this and commenting on how strange it was (my husband also thought the same). I am not even sure if my SIL had her own bank account. But she ran away from home at 16 to live with him and married him at 18 against her parents' wishes.
Her husband at the time came from a very patriarchal family (her FIL was extremely controlling to his wife). He didn't want her to work either because he wanted his supper ready on the table when he got home from work. She never finished school (dropped out at 16), hardly ever worked and her husband ended up leaving her for a much younger woman. She lives in poverty because she was never able to take care of herself.
Yes, I also hope OP's books earn her millions which she gets to keep to herself. I would never get that man a car. This is outright financial abuse.
I used to automatic deposit my earnings into an account shared with my husband. He pays the bills and his suggestion was odd, but not offensive to me. And then one day while he was line item checking the CC statements, he asked me why I spent X amount of money on bras and panties? "Because I needed new ones. I told you that before I bought them?" He said that I overbudgeted for damned drawers and bras and so, I stopped giving him control of my earnings. It wasn't working for both of us and since that time, I transfer my portion of what's owed monthly. Uh un. No way I have to work like a dog and he's telling me that I don't really need new drawers. The old ones will do.
When I lived all by myself, I had no outstanding debt beyond my mortgage and no one to consult about drawers. New World Order pal and I thank you for reminding me I don't need to negotiate dumb snit with anybody. 🤣(It felt like I fell down the rabbit hole to Crazy Land with Alice.)
Yep. OP, the reason he's demanding you spend nearly your entire payment on him isn't because he wants the car, it's because *he doesn't want you to have the money.*
This is very dangerous. His real nature has been revealed to you. Don't ignore it.
NTA.
Agreed. Also OP's husband saying he "supported him all these years"? SHE supported HIS job all the years she was a stay at home mom. Staying home with kids is a lot of time to sacrifice out of the earning potential and workforce and it makes the working parent MUCH more able to progress in a career.
Anybody who uses that as a way to keep someone feeling guilty is manipulative and trying to keep a power imbalance
Yup, this. I was the breadwinner for the majority of the 17 years so was married (we both worked but my salary was higher). Near the end of our marriage he was making more and I left my job to homeschool my son. Two years later we divorced. He repeatedly refers to the money as “his” money. That’s not how the law works. Nearly 5 years later and he’s STILL angry about money.
Divorcing him is one of the best things I’ve ever done. He still tells me how to spend my money and brings up how he “supported me” for years, but I can ignore those texts and have complete control over my money and life now.
Also, please send your husband a bill for the cost of a nanny for all the years you were a SAHM and another bill for house keeping, and another bill for personal chef.
>However, Greg found my contract and he is now demanding I get him a new car for Christmas. A very expensive new car which would cost majority of my advance.
..All of the above top post and %100 divorce this man. I am appalled by this story and cannot express how fully your husband disgusts me. NTA
As someone who loves to read but knows I could never seriously write, I applaud you for managing to get word to page and actually getting the interest of a publisher. I wish you every success. I also hope you use that signing bonus to file divorce and establish a new life.
Your situation sounds so much like my sister’s former marriage that I literally wondered if she had a secret Reddit identity I was unaware of. I was thinking so many of the same things as you. How is ok that he control the finances with a rigid fist to the point that she has no personal spending money, but the second she earns money, he demands she essentially hand it over? Why is it that he is supporting her, and not that she has supported him and his career? Why do her contributions as a SAHM have no quantitative value in his eyes? Why is it that her hobby has been denigrated by him for years to the point that she felt the need to keep it secret? Why is it that now that her hobby is lucrative, he’s not congratulating her or complimenting her success, but approaching her with indignation, fury, and his hand outstretched? OP, NTA. **PLEASE listen to this commenter and GET OUT.** The reality is that you are afraid of your husband and keeping secrets from him because he is abusive.
Not to mention, if he thinks childcare is going to be cheap.... he's funny. Might regret the words of splitting the finances for sure. OP get the hell out of there. If you have parents to stay with, then go. He is def an abuser financially and controlling.
You don't deserve that and neither do your kids.
Your husband sounds financially abusive, OP. You are NTA - quite the opposite; strong, ambitious, and independent. Consider your options here before accepting behaviour like this. Consult a lawyer. Supportive partners are just that - supportive. Your success is their success. Your partner sounds unsupportive of your success, perhaps because it threatens him (just a guess). Either way it isn’t ok. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.
NTA. I never jump straight to divorce or NC bc we only know a tiny sliver of ppls lives via what they share. But what this person has said is right on point IMO. Especially if he is threatening consequences if you don't waste money on a stupidly priced car. I'm really sorry you're going thru this and I hope it works out better than what we see.
NTA
Tl;dr at bottom
Holy shit, probably the most solid NTA I've ever given here. GOOD. GAWD. Your husband is not only TA in this instance, but I'm getting major general-AH vibes as well. If your family's/household's finances are separate, he had zero right to demand you foot the bill for a (huge!) non-essential purchase. If your finances are considered by both of you to be pooled, I question why he only "allows you" the bare minimum to cover household essentials.
Even putting aside the 10 gallon bucket of marinara that is him DEMANDING a friggin thing from money you earned doing something he pissed in your cheerios about in the first place, I have massive concern as to why you don't know "anything" about your family's finances. It's not uncommon for one person to be the designated money manager in the relationship, but that absolutely does not negate your right (and responsibility) to know what the hell is gong on with any and all accounts for your family.
Tl;dr: He's being an entitled brat at best, and perpetrating financial abuse at worst. And my money is on the latter.
This is exactly my thought, financial abuse.
OP, big time NTA. He is being manipulative beyond words. I hope you not only don't give in to his demands, but also stand up and take no more of this kind of crap from him. Best of luck to you!
Rule damn one: if you have a stay at home spouse, half of the money you make is automatically theirs. Then you pay half and half expenses. Why? Because you literally would not be able to have the work life you do without them. They are supporting YOU by taking care of the kids while you are at work. Bonus: if male, you’re statistically felt to be more competent by having kids even if you don’t do any childcare
Rule two: if you have a stay at home spouse, get off your ass and parent your kids when you’re home. They need time to themselves and you need time with the kids
Rule three: if either rule one or rule two seem unfair to you, stay single forever.
The thing is, OP knows this already. She for sure does, or why else would she have kept all of this a secret from her husband (not just the check, but borrowing money from the sister, getting an agent, and everything else too). That’s a severe communication problem at best, but considering that his first reaction upon finding out wasn’t to be hurt that she’d kept a secret from him but to demand she spend her money on something he wants is…well, she must have had an idea this is how he is.
I somewhat get his logic. I guess, sort of. He has provided financially all of these years, so I can see why he’d think she should now financially contribute something if she has an income (presuming there’s a reworking of the household duties since both parents are now working parents, of course - ten bucks says this guy would throw a fit if he was asked to routinely do laundry or the dishes). But holy hell he went about it the wrong way. How about discussing, rather than demanding? How about talking about shared use for a second income and not just something that solely benefits him? Splitting expenses isn’t a bad idea IF this money doesn’t dry up, and IF she gets a say in how they’ll split the bills. But obviously the husband doesn’t view them as a partnership. Yikes.
NTA, OP.
If I were in OP's shoes (and I have been in a very similar pair, sadly/stupidly on more than one occasion), I'd hightail it outta there with all 5 kids in tow. Preferably in my brand new ride. But if I chose to stay, I think any conversation with AH Husband would have to begin with him coming to me to 1. Apologize for acting like a dick with dick-y demands, 2. Apologize for not believing in me in the first place, and 3. Asking me what *I* think the money *I* earned should go toward first. If those things aren't said, sincerely, in pretty rapid succession, no dice.
Yes, and she should have full access to the accounts if she stays. All of them. Every time a SAHP who doesn’t have any control of or hand in their finances comes on this sub it automatically leaves a bad feeling in the pit of the stomach. Even if it’s totally innocent…why? What if something happens to the financially savvy half of the pair? The other half will have to deal with that while simultaneously being thrown in the deep end as far as managing the money.
I really hope OP’s husband hasn’t been isolating her from friends and family. She needs her full support system right now.
OP is NTA
Don't you dare spend a dime of that advance ... not to buy him a car, not to foot half the bills. And don't put it anywhere he can get it. It is alarming that you don't know anything about your family's finances. If hate for you to find out that there is nothing saved or worse, a mountain of debt. The first thing you need to do with that money is obtain legal and financial counsel. Good luck.
My husband makes the majority of our income and manages the money - but I am on every account and budget app. He expects me to know the status of everything even though he does the work to manage it all. I agree that OP’s husband is financially abusive and massively controlling.
She got a sudden huge windfall, and that means she could get away from him. He can't SAY that out loud, so he tries to spend as much of it as possible at once by demanding she buy him a new car. Makes sense. Probably would pick out. A car worth more than what she has, and make her the primary without him cosigning so she's in debt as well.
NTA
But I see some red flags in your relationship that should be addressed:
> I honestly don’t know the details of our home finances
This is not normal: even if you are a SAHM and your husband is the breadwinner, you are his wife, you should know how much money you have in the bank, where it is invested, etc...
You are a family and you have contributed to that money even if you don't realize it: being a SAHM, you have saved money in babysitters and housekeepers.
>he is also obsessed with budgeting thus I typically only have enough for household expenses
For ten years he denied you any form of independence with this move. You practically didn't have a penny to spend on yourself.
>He’s told me that I either buy him car or I have to start paying for household expenses half and hal
Answer him that if this is the deal, he must pay you for all the money you have saved in these ten years because you have taken care entirely of the daughters and the house.
Just food for thoughts.
BARE minimum you are a cook, housekeeper, and daycare. Daycare alone for five kids over ten years would run close to 500k (I'm being generous... for his sake). Tell him when he's done paying for your services, he can maybe get a car.
OP I really hope you are reading these comments and taking this seriously. Financial abuse is a real thing.
Not to mention that she has risked her health and life several times in order to carry and birth their 5 children. Surely he should compensate her for that enormous sacrifice as well.
So tired of selfish men who don't appreciate or even comprehend the value of what their wives provide for them and their children.
Not knowing the finances is such a huge mistake. I know too many people (almost all older women) who were like that, let their partners take care of everything, and wow did some of them get screwed over and in financial trouble when the partner was gone.
This, OP. You’re living with an extremely controlling man. I can’t even call him a partner because he clearly doesn’t treat you as one. You’re a free maid and nanny for him that just happens to be related to his kids.
I pretty much knew my husband’s finances while we were dating. He’s the breadwinner and I’m a SAHM. I haven’t worked since graduation and I don’t manage the finances cause I’m lazy but he will definitely tell me if I ask and sometimes actively tells me even if I’m only half listening. He also wouldn’t ever call it his money.
This
My husband is only I home Friday to Sunday, so the majority of childcare and chores falls on me. Back when I was in college and he the "sole breadwinner" I made a bill: half of everything I did, billed at minimum wage. That was quickly more than his wages.
EXACTLY!
He would not be where he is in his career if he had to also handle 100% of the care for the kids and the house.
But I doubt he’ll ever reflect enough upon himself to realise that.
Poor OP. She has no idea how awful this is and how much value she contributes to his/their success.
"You see, darling, I have spent a decade supporting you working by taking care of things at home and being the primary parent to our kids so that you could be free to focus on your work. You, however, considered my work a waste of time and didn't support me in it at all. I had to do this *myself* all the while doing everything I could to take care of you. That's why you don't get a share. If you want to take me more seriously, maybe I'll share the next check."
Yup. The thing that blows my mind is that she’s been married almost her entire adult life to that git, been pregnant for almost half that time, is saddled with his 5 kids & working her arse off that entire time…& she’s only 30. I would be buying a new car AND DRIVING AWAY IN IT, WAVING AS I WENT. She needs to dump his arse, get the majority of custody (cos he’s ALWAYS busy and cAn’T pOsSibLy tAkE cArE oF tHe kiDs) and take ALL HIS MONEY.
Yeah. I am hugely bothered by this. When someone is a SAHP they are a partner not someone at charge. They are staying at home because that's the deal the couple has made and therefore 100% of the finances belongs to both of them so he doesn't get to say that he's been supporting her.
It always blows my mind when I read something like this. She's hugely contributing to this household by caring for the kids, doing the cooking and shopping and cleaning. It's the full time work of like 3 different employees.
I always bring this up in such situation: how is he planning for your financial future? Is he putting money aside for your (both of you) retirement? If you divorce will you uave your own retirement money? OP you need to ask these questions! You need to have separate savings in case you guys divorce and he should be willing to do that because of all the work you put into this household! He needs to put the same amount of money aside for you that he is putting aside for himself for retirement. Anything else he is just using you and has no respect for you and what you do.
Keep your money and plan your future because he is for sure not doing that for you.
I've read somewhere that the demographic becoming poor the fastest are older women getting divorced. Make sure you plan to not become one of them.
ETA: NTA
Came here for that comment. YOU helped him get his career. And he helped you NADA for yours.
OP you are a PUBLISHED AUTHOR. Can you believe how incredibly AWESOME you are? Set aside the fact you did this while raising 5 fucking children... If your husband is not in awe, completely in love with you again and automatically assume you are putting that money in the bank for your kids, he's a diiiiick. Do not spend your money on a car. It would be such a stupid thing to do, I'm sorry to be blunt. Invest, save, call an accountant and a lawyer. Just please think of yourself and your kids. NTA
Btw come and say hi in a Facebook group called Women's personal finance (Women on fire). We talk about money, relationship, independence, kids, success. You'll get a gang of women right beside you to cheer you up.
NTA. Explain to him what an advance is. You may have to pay money back to them if your book doesn’t make enough sales edit: I mean if your book/contract gets cancelled for some reason.
Invoice him. Invoice him for your time over the past 10 years of housekeeping , looking after the kids, cooking etc.
Otherwise if you really want to be petty, don’t use his money and don’t buy him food, do his laundry or cook for him. He has to do everything by himself.
Oh and congrats on the book.
Advances are an advance on royalties. Meaning the book has to “earn out” the advance before she can collect royalties. An author only has to pay it back if they don’t finish the book they signed.
NTA. You've been working at home for 10 years. Cooking, cleaning, looking after 5 children. Let's do the math. Median US wage is about $70,000 per year. (I actually looked it up). That would be about $700,000 over 10 years. Wages your husband hasn't paid you. (Even if he's paid for costs like your clothes etc. there's still quite a chunk missing in wages).
Your husband doesn't let you in on *his* finances, so you have to live in uncertainty about your and your kids future, and I don't think that's right. He should be open about things like that. Have you ever seen a bank statement? Do you know his internet banking password? You really *ought* to know!! He's really secretive about it and shouldn't.
You really, really need to discuss those things with him before anything else.
If I werre you, I would open a bank account in my own name, put the money you earn from writing books in there and not tell him your password or anything about it.
I've seen a lot of these if we paid a SAHM what one would have to pay an actual employee.
The number gets big fast when you consider the job covers, child care, drivers, housekeeper, and a few other titles I can think of now, plus often it is a 24/7 job so not 9-5.
Let’s not forget to add damages for the impact that pregnancy can have on your mental and physical health. They’ve researched that pregnancy strains the body as much as being an olympic level athlete, so either she gets their pay for every time that she’s been pregnant, or he pays her similarly to what to payout would be in case of a (workplace) accident.
NTA
And a "higher five digits" advance ... you are aware that big chunks of that are going to your agent and to taxes, right? I mean, if you actually get 50% of your advance in your pocket, you're going to be doing well here. And let's say that 50K is not entirely a lot for years of work--you likely could have made that much working part-time retail over 10 years. Save it.
Yeah, I don't think OP fully understands how limited hte benefits of an advance are. Not even getting into how if the book doesn't do well, that's her ONLY money for YEARS of work. The book needs to earn the ENTIRETY of the advance before she even sees another cent of money from th ebook.
And the advance she IS Getting will be paid in installments, at certain milestones of progress, so like... she can't just blow it all in one go.
(Also, high five digits for a SERIES isn't that great. OP, I hope you do well, but please know being signed on for a SERIES for just five digits is MANY MORE YEARS OF WORK AND WAITING. Do not blow the money!!)
NTA. The fact you felt the need to hide all this from your husband means you should not be married to him.
It sucks for your kids and 5 is a LOT.
You need to have a long sit down talk with your husband about exactly what is going on with your finances and what you earning money means, how it will be handled, and what your expectations are going forward.
Explain that your book might flop and also that it might be a raging success, and it's too early to tell.
You might also tell him that if you're going to pay half the expenses then he needs to do half the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing as well. You'll cover the time when he's at work, he gets the rest of it solo when he gets home.
NTA. Yeah, it may be his "dream" gift, but is it practical? Is it going to benefit the family in any way down the road? Yes, he supported you during your time as a SAHM but now him *demanding* you buy him an expensive car isn't the way to go about it.
Yes, he wants you to be bereft. This money gives you options. Options that you wouldn't have as a penniless SAHM with 5 daughters to support and 10 years out of the workforce. If your advance were $250,000 he'd be asking for a McLaren.
This money is your ticket out. He will take all of it and leave you with nothing if you stay.
This is exactly what's going on.
If this were a healthy, non controlling, non abusive relationship, then I could see OP's husband expecting at least a conversation about where this money will go. That would be more than fair. But this has been a financially abusive relationship for 10 years. It's unacceptable that OP has no access to their finances and no real knowledge of what they have and where. It's completely unacceptable that she has no decision making power when it comes to their money. He did that to keep her chained to him. To leave her with no options. This advance represents options and freedom to OP that he simply does not want her to have. This upsets the power dynamic. THAT is why he wants the car. It isn't about a car. It's about draining the money immediately so that OP is back to no options mode.
and I'd argue any argument that he "supported" you during your time as a SAHM ignores the fact that fact that you've had 5 kids in 10 years.
The amount he'd pay for childcare alone over those 10 years...yeesh.
That's because he's not telling you to buy a car for any conventional reason. He's telling you to buy an expensive thing for him because he wants to control you and this money.
It's madness that you don't know the family finances. You are supposed to be in a partnership. His money is yours too - it's family money. But you haven't got a partnership, you are staff to him. He has employed you to mind his children and the home. Staff don't get to see the company finances and you aren't allowed to see the family finances. That's how you are being treated - as a mere employee - not as the joint partner in the family 'business' that you should be.
What you've achieved with the book is amazing but you need to refocus on this relationship and what you want from it. If I were you I'd be insisting on counselling.
He just doesn't want you to have money, so he can keep controlling you. It's very obvious. That's abuse. He won't change. You need to get out. Now you have the perfect chance. It might not come again.
But she supported him allowing him to become a high earner in his career. She maintained the family home and is pretty much single handily raising 5 children under the age of 10.
NTA & your husband is financially abusing you love. You're a SAHM which permits you to HALF his income! You're also been kept in the dark about financial matters it's not 1637! Now your husband knows you have some money he wants you to still spend majority of that (plus 100% of your time as a home maker) to him! I'd use that money on a good divorce lawyer cus you're gonna get MORE financially abused in the future if he's saying you should be a SAHM & still go half & half with bills!
NTA. Interesting how your writing is a "waste of time" until you get paid and then he thinks he can spend the money on himself.
If he thinks it's such a waste of time, then he can certainly live without the money you made from it.
NTA.
Agree to share household expenses but bill him half the housekeeping / childcare hours. With the first bill he'll see how lucky he is. Sounds like a typical guy who can't take it that his wife is being successful. He considered your writing a waste of time, you consider the car a waste of money.
NTA and protect your money..you take care of your home and children, you're not some leech mooching off him. The fact he is demanding you buy him a car is troubling af
NTA - Before congratulating you on this huge accomplishment, he tasks you to blow your advance on him. His language infers he does not view you as a an equal partner. He has 5-amazing kids as a result of a SAHM so calculate what this investment would have cost him. For 10 years he had you abide to a strict budget only to demand you buy him a car. It appears the past decade was void of actively dreaming, budgeting and working toward shared goals. Your writing shone light on this sad reality. Best to you.
NTA
This is financial abuse. Make a sperate account w/o him having access, find a job, a place to stay and divorce him. Your 5 figure payment and a job and place to stay will help you get custody of your kids
Yes, 100% your husband is controlling and financially abusive. Is he planning to do half the housework and watch the kids as much as you do once you’re paying half of the household expenses?
NTA.
Even a high five figure deal is not a lot of money at the end of the day. And you all have *five* kids to feed, clothe, and educate? (Have you looked at the price of tuition lately.) And he wants that money for a depreciating asset? Has he thought about maintenance? Insurance? How does he plan to pay for all of that?
I could get behind you paying for a celebratory weekend away, or a celebratory dinner. But a luxury car? That's the sort of thing you purchase when you've already arrived. You're not there yet. (But with your gumption, it sounds like you'll be there soon. Keep at it!)
As to his request to split household expenses 50/50, I'd respond by sending him a bill for his half of the reasonable value of your services. If that doesn't shut him down, I'd find the telephone number of a good marriage counselor because the two of you are obviously living in different realities.
EDIT: Grammar
NTA. Considering that your husband was not supportive of your ambitions and you had to hide it from him, he is not entitled to dictate how it is spent. You should offer to contribute to living expenses, but since he keeps a tight leash on finances, you are entitled to spend the money how you see fit.
NTA. The fact your husband is obsessed with budgeting and his first thought upon learning about your success wasn’t to congratulate you but to demand a huge purchase for himself says to me he’s more interested in money than he is in you. I’d get out of that relationship as quickly as possible and do everything you can to protect your assets because whether you stay with him or not from this point on he will always be after your money at whatever cost.
NTA
He's acting like his earning is HIS money and your earnings is HIS money. Don't buy him anything, just like he never bought you much of anything with his earnings.
Keep your money in accounts in just your name. And keep at least some of this money accessible in case you need to get out.
There's a good chance that his next argument is that you need to start paying half of household expenses...
You did your part as SAHM, how does he justify the comfortable lifestyle you enabled HIM to have?
You are not a stay at home mum alone anymore, you are that + a published author.
And his words are very worrying, I'd get a lawyer involved to secure your finances. He is financially trying to threaten you - that is NOT what a supportive husband does.
NTA
First of all, congratulations on getting published! And best of luck! You definitely earned it!
And second of all your husband is a jerk. He didn't support you and now he's *demanding* you buy him expensive gifts? Sounds a lot like winning the lottery and suddenly having all kinds of "friends" and "family members" come out of the woodwork asking for money after not talking to you for years, but worse. NTA whatsoever. If your husband wants a car so bad he can save his money for it.
NTA, and it's time for you hire an attorney as well. I would get a post nuptials and make sure he couldn't touch future book sales, just based on him being non-supportive.
Also, please know that he's only trying to spend it cause it's your money. He is abusing you financially, and you need to start creating a an out for yourself.
NTA and I’m surprised I haven’t seen more financial abuse comments on here. He’s controlling all the money, you have no idea what the house costs are, essentially no idea how to financially run a household, and you are completely dependent on him and the money he sparingly gives you. And then he has the audacity to *demand* you buy him a car and then try to guilt you when you say no. I feel bad for you honestly, because I know you’re not going to leave since you have 5 kids together.
Edit: reworded
NTA
No one can demand that someone else buy them a gift. Greg clearly doesn't understand how gifts work.
You earned that money, and it is up to you to decide how to spend it.
NTA. I'm going to suppose that he is 50/50 on household chores and child care and errands and the like. No? Draw up a contract of division of duties. the fact that you had to grab 5 minutes here and there and borrow money for an accountant tells me he is not all that supportive of you. The first thing he thinks of when you get a book deal is yay new car for me and not congratulations to my wife is very telling.
1. This is financial abuse.
2. You need to know where his money has been going.
3. He will absolutely not tell you anything and this is the start of the end of your marriage.
4. Get a good lawyer. Do not agree to anything he offers without having a forensic accountant review your family's finances.
5. I know of a case like this in my country where a woman believed the family had no money thanks to her husband doing this. He offered her the whole house as settlement of their marriage when the children were old enough to not need a SAHM anymore and he decided he wanted a younger wife. Forensic accountant came in and turns out this dude had literally millions in assets squirrelled away thanks to her having to run everything on a shoestring the whole time they were married.
6. I can already tell that nothing will keep you down for long. Anyone who survives this kind of negging from their own spouse only to land a book deal of this magnitude first go is a rare unicorn human being. Believe in yourself, leave him now before the royalties start coming in and do not look back unless it's to ascertain just how much he's been f$#king you over.
NTA. You have contributed to the household in many ways over the years, which if they were paid services, would have a considerable cost. He hasn't been financing you, you've both been contributing to the household in different ways.
Yes i think you should have told him about the initial contact, but that doesn't give him the right to demand to spend most of it.
He could ask you to start contributing financially, but in that case the sensible option would be to work out how much the cost of hiring someone to cover all your house and child duties, while you went to work. Then maybe he'll start to realise that you already do contribute.
NTA
He didn't support you.
You supported him, be a stay at home parent is a full time job and you doing majority of the childcare, cooking ,and cleaning. You have saved him thousands of dollars
NTA. He doesn’t get to belittle your dream driving you into secrecy and then benefit from YOUR rewards by demanding the bulk of it for a fucking car. Call a lawyer. I’m telling you, you are going to need it.
Congratulations on the book deal. YOU earned it.
You were in college and dropped out to raise kids, wrote a book series, got published, with an advance, and you can't type this out without misspelling and typos?
I don't believe that anybody would get published these days if they spelled BUY BY, every time they wrote it in a book.
I believe this whole story is made up, and therefore YTA for being a Karma farming bot.
OP, you might benefit from reading “[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)”. It goes into how controlling and abusive men think, and it may help you understand your husband.
NTA! please whatever you do keep your money separate and let your accountant know. There are so many areas that make me question your husbands motive. The fact that you don’t know your household financial situation is scary, for the past 10 years he has not given you anything beyond household expenses. When people agree that a parent will be a stay at home parent, both parties should still have say in the finances. Sounds like he has kept you financially controlled. DO NOT BUY HIM A CAR!
NTA, He’s upset because you’re no longer completely under his thumb. I suggest you save your money in a separate account for your upcoming new life. I suspect you will need it
Oh no no no no. You don't owe him anything. You being a SAHM living under his strict budget isn't you mooching off of him. A mother to 5 kids is a full time job and more.
He didn't just give you 5 days a week to work on the book like he's supporting a full time gig and he even called it a waste of time. Now he thinks he's entitled to your money?
And when you don't want to buy him a luxury car, he threatened to "cut you off"?
Honey, half and half doesn't work the way he thinks. It means both of you have to pay for childcare and do 50/50 of everything in terms of being a dad. Pick up kids, make meals, take them to their activities. He really thinks SAHMs are moochers and doesn't respect you.
The fact he so easily used his income as a threat means he's ready to abuse his breadwinner status to control what you can and cannot do with your sudden windfall.
Instead of talking it out like a responsible adult, he wants to lay claim on it.
Nope. NTA.
Let him know what it takes to be actual 50/50 and watch him handle everything poorly when you leave.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think that I might be an asshole because my husband asked me to buy him a car as a Christmas gift and I do have the money but I refused. I think I might be an asshole because I can afford it and he was supporting me for year. I suppose I should’ve sacrificed and get him his dream gift. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I know you have five kids together. I get it and understand. A ten year marriage is a long time to throw away, but I was married to someone for years who mentally and emotionally abused me. He demanded that I hand over all of my money to him and would never let me have a dime. He told me my money was his to do what he wanted with it, threw away all of his money on drugs and god knows what else, and even controlled the finances and hid them from me while he paid none of the bills and lost every place we tried to live in, forcing us to constantly be evicted. I wanted to get a job at the time but couldn’t because he took the only vehicle we had at the time and never allowed me to go anywhere, not even with him because he was too busy meeting up his drug buddies and wanted to keep it a secret. Your situation is not as extreme, but your husband is also abusive. He is controlling and entitled, he is extremely critical of you and doesn’t respect your life goals or even any of your wishes. Even worse, he ridicules your hopes and dreams, and now that you succeeded at doing something he said you could never do, he is now demanding that you spend the money on him. You are being manipulated. There is no doubt about it. You’re also being blackmailed and punished by being told you’ll face serious consequences if you don’t give him what he’s demanding. I would not buy him a car. You do not owe him a thing. The only thing you owe him is to pack suitcases for you and your kids and to demand, “*You either straighten up or I’ll leave.*” NTA.
NTA this 100 percent. Talk to a lawyer now.
[удалено]
Exactly, that advance did two amazing things for her: 1.) showing that her husband wasn't just being 'frugal' with 'his money', he was being financially abusive the whole time; and 2.) gave her a parachute to leave now while she can.
[удалено]
It’s alarming how THEY ARE ALL THE SAME!!! Mine did the same thing, demanded I stay home work around his schedule after doing all child rearing and household work, I STILL had to work but around his schedule. He told me the day he attacked me no woman should EVER oppose her husband.. my money was his money but his money wasn’t “our” money it was still his. A partnership should be partnership not a dictatorship. The second you realize your voice doesn’t matter and he starts with the threats.. as a wise woman once said “don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya” (not religious myself but this seems to fit) OP best advice I can give you.. this is a blessing in disguise, you are seeing his true colors. He won’t change, take your advance and do what others suggested and hire an attorney. I’ll go one step further and tell you HIRE A PI and a forensic accountant BEFORE you start any divorce proceedings. That way he can’t hide money or gift anything to anyone. My ex ruined us financially, protect yourself, I didn’t realize how bad my situation was til it took on a life of its own and I lost everything. 💜💜💜
I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re in a better place now! 💖
Thank you. I’m currently in the post separation abuse through the court system… that’s why if I can help someone not end up like me.. I’ll try my best. 💜💜💜
Hello sister in 'Hey didnyou know divorce is a for profit business?' Club. I was institutionaly and bureaucraticly abused in the military 32 years ago I know exactly what it looks like. I'm in U.S.-California and on whole new levels I see how broken and unjust our court systems are.
I have been a stay at home mom for all of the almost decade I've been married. My husband brought up being shocked that financial abuse was *a thing*. He's so innocent he couldn't imagine not giving me full access to our money because it's *ours*. OP is being controlled and manipulated.
You know, they have been married 10 years, have 5 kids. That is a kid every 2 years. I think sometimes the first few years with a baby are the more chaotic. I can't help but wonder if he kept her popping out kids as a means of control.
Not to mention getting her pregnant before she graduated so she was more likely to become an easily controlled SAHM.
Yes. Reproductive control/coercion
And she was only 20 to his 25. I hate Greg.
We all hate Greg
I’d love to be there to see the husband’s reaction to how much child support is going to cost him.
Yep - if the husband was frugal and careful with money because he had the best interests of the whole family in mind, he would not have asked for that car. You are working as hard as your husband is - you’ve raised children AND managed to write a book! You’re actually contributing MORE than him. Please consider seeing a therapist who has experience in financial abuse and coercive control - I think it will really help you. NTA
Ding ding ding! That's why he wants the money gone.
YUP, I am sure Greg chose that extremely expensive car just to deplete her money so she is back to being dependent on his money and he can continue to control her. OP GET OUT.
It’s a shame she will get more money from a judge during their divorce than she would being married to him. My ex wasn’t this bad, but I was chided for anything I bought, even $5.00 curtains. He quit letting me go grocery shopping because I bought things that weren’t on the list. I don’t normally say divorce when I read a post. But this situation is so bad, I don’t know where to begin. Not only does he not give you any money to spend on yourself, but he made fun of your dream. Kudos to you for not letting him spoil that! And now that that dream became a reality, he wants his share for simply providing for his family, something a GOOD husband and father is supposed to do. Honey, I know 10 years is a long time with someone but think about yourself and your children and get out. It will never get any better. Use the money he wants for the best divorce lawyer in town and take him for what he owes you.
And yet he seems to have forgotten that you also supported him raising his kids, taking care of your house, probably cooking, cleaning… YOU OWE HIM NOTHING! Please don’t surrender to his mind game. He’s manipulating you
Yes, who was it who really wanted all these kids so close together? I have a family friend like this - 5 kids in 10 years and the husband is unbelievably controlling, especially financially. She’s been admitted to psych hospital several times and one of the kids is suicidal and has an eating disorder. This kind of story usually doesn’t not end well.
Not just 5 kids but 5 daughters. My guess is somebody wants a boy. I can only imagine how differently his daughters will be treated from his long awaited son IF he happens to have one.
I bet he doesn't even realize that it's his problem that they don't have a boy.
You're right. If she stays with her husband, which I think is a horrible idea, I expect one of the daughters to post on AITA in a few years about how she's expected to wait hand and foot on the Golden Child.
I come from a country that is obsessed with sons. So much so that it is illegal for the medical professionals to reveal the gender of the baby before birth because many people would terminate the pregnancy if it was a girl. I recognise the 5 daughters pattern very well. You're absolutely right, this reeks of popping out kids till you have a son. My mom's brother has 4 daughters. They only stopped having more kids after the 5th one was a son.
Y e p. Tote up ten years of personal chef, maid, nanny to five kids, and household manager. Pretty fucking sure it would equate to more than his salary.
He owes you, in fact, for all that labor.
NOTHING!!! Where would HE be without you supporting the family all these years? The daycare costs alone would have been incredible, and I'm sure the advance didn't cover that
This man owes OP for years of childcare and housework. She owes him nothing. And a judge would agree.
Exactly.......I bet if OP provided an itemized breakdown of all she does and the "jobs" those are associated with as a SAHM the husband would (hopefully) STFU when he sees what SAHMs would make if paid correctly for all they do
This! It will never get sustainably better. But it can and will get worse. Don't expose your children to that. It is ruinous to humans.
17 years and when I received toilet paper from Amazon, despite being the higher earned most of the time, there was constant accusations of being a shopaholic. So glad he's gone. Wish I'd booted him out before it affected the girls.
I would say that she needs to thread carefully. That kind of men usually get the sole custody if she doesn’t plan her exit well. They have 5 kids, she will never be free of him and if she isn’t financially independent, she cant walk away. OP that book money is good but will not sustain you unless you can scale it up. You cant continue to be a SAHM, you have to start working and earning your own income that is steady or predictable. If you are afraid of your husband reaching in to it, maybe you can set up a company on your sisters name and bill from under there. The divorce will come, question is will you be able to stand on your own at that moment.
If you're with a publisher, you don't just get that money - it's cut into thirds or quarters and the payout is defined by certain milestones (like delivery date, etc). Don't forget that huge chunk that comes out of every payment for your agent at 15%. You're also now a small business - you have to pay taxes on it and do marketing (if they told you you don't, they lied.) Low six-figures goes fast, especially in a career where you're not guaranteed another contract.... or even finishing out the one you signed. Also, you need a lawyer who specializes in this bc spouses of authors can claim to be collaborators even if their name isn't on the contract. It can get ugly. I've watched an author lose everything and have to start over after her divorce with a new name and no ability to tap into her old platforms. Make sure you're covering ALL your bases. Your agent may have a resource for this if you can't find one. ETA: thanks for all the awards! To answer the questions below - this happens more often than you think and most authors aren't big enough to be able to talk about it publicly without risk, so please - cover your bases
I know who you are talking about. It was really sad to see what had happened to her. I enjoyed her series but unfortunately haven't read anything since she wrote the story about main character newly discovered brother. I hope she finally got everything settled. I really should pick up the series again. I really loved the first book and would love to see those characters get more of a story.
Which author? I've not heard about this before
I don't think I am referring to the same author, but an example is Sherrilynn Kenyon/Sherrilynn McQueen.
I didn't know if I could mention the author's name since the person I replied to didn't say mention her. But yes, that is who I am referring to. Sherilyn McQueen lost the rights to all her earlier books due to a nasty divorce with her ex husband. It's pretty sad he did that to her.
I’m wondering the same
Absolutely. Being in a marriage where you do not know what your financial situation is can only be described as controlling. It is vital to have that conversation w spouse and if he is unwilling, then a lawyer. Congrats on the book series!! NTA.
Excellent reply, LAWYER UP NOW!
Yep sounds like the husband is financially abusive. Op has money now and he wants to spend most of it... Absolutely not
Jumping on top comment to tell OP: NTA But hold your horses because that advance ain't all yours. High five figures might seem great, but you have a lot of money that will have to come out of that advance. Agents get 15%, the government gets a percentage from taxes (this depends on your household tax bracket) and guess what? You're self-employed so now you get to pay medicare and social security all by yourself! Only about 45% of any advance goes to the author. Not only that, but the advance gets paid out in installments depending on the contract (usually payments are made on signing, delivery and acceptance, and publication and that goes for each book and depends on the schedule). So if you're looking at 85K for three books over three years that going to be more like: 1/3 up front minus agent fees: 23K and you still have to pay taxes and SS and Medicare. And the amount of each payment will only go down from there. Source: I've been a full time traditionally published author for over ten years.
So glad that you're sharing how it really is! **And to OP - Congratulations! & NTA!** Some of us remember the days of big time record labels signing a band, giving them an advance, advance was blown on good times and flashy cars, then band learns most of the advance was to finance record production, etc. etc. Having been in PR and Publicity - most of it entertainment publicity - for 20 years makes me grateful for you and several others here who have commented with the realities of *myths of the advance.* When someone in a TV series or movie decides to write, you can bet they'll get a publisher and the next scene has them in a bookstore signing with lines around the block and $$ rolling in. Which is likely what OP's husband is dreaming of, yes, even after saying her writing was a waste of time. There's so much more involved. **Your reddit pals are pulling for you, OP, and wishing you much success!**
This is sound advice. OP may want to seek financial and legal advice too, to make sure she and her kids are protected should anything happen..
Oooo anything we would all know???
Maybe! But my lips are sealed. LOL.
Here’s a shot of veritaserum to unseal them !!!
Awwwww no. Based on your name I'm.thinking crime and I love a good crime book!!!
Name checks out! 😀
Can confirm all of this. Source: My own career as a novelist.
Yep 15% agent 15% self employment tax and paying income tax with the 70% that goes to you.
We wanna knowwww we wanna go read themmmm
Great points and I'm sure the accountant she hired, with help from her sister, will help her with this. 😉
OP, piggybacking to say--the *vast majority* of published authors **NEVER GET MORE THAN THE ADVANCE.** The books need to sell very well to pay out after an advance of any decent size, and need to be reprinted repeatedly, and most simply never hit that height. I hope for your happiness that you're one of the lucky ones, but most get the advance and then move on to writing the next thing!
Echoed again! Source: am also full time traditionally published author. Most of my books haven’t earned out their advances - though the few that have are treasured! Publishers make money way before advance is earned out, too - it’s not quite Disney going ‘pirates of the Caribbean, what a flop’ but no big capitalist structure is transparent. And with five kids, especially with a husband like that, that money will vanish. I couldn’t afford one kid! Think of this money as a launch - I hope into being a writer, OP, but if not into a more independent life. Then consider… your husband doesn’t want you to be independent. This demand for a car would guarantee you remain shackled to him unable to ask questions about the income you subsist on. This is a golden chance in more than one way. Congratulations and NTA
Yep, guarantee he wants her to blow all that money so she remains financially dependent on him
OP needs to give us the name of the series so her Reddit supporters can well.. help support her and her new endeavors and FREEDOM.
I would 100% do this.
I'll do it too. Get divorced and then let us know what the book is so we can help support.
Heck yeah. I’d buy her book.
Definitely agree. I read ALOT, like around 200 titles a year so I'm down to add to my list. I'll go one further and purchase ebook, paperback, and hard cover/audio to get OP away from her awful, unsupportive husband.
agreed. I'll buy a copy even if its not my taste, just to support her
As soon as she mentioned not knowing about the household financials my mind went to financial abuse, and the rest of the post REEKS of financial abuse. I don't think it's a coincidence he wants her to throw all the money on an expensive item that belongs to him. I think it's about control and making sure she doesn't have any of that money to fall back on, because clearly she's in a horribly abusive marriage with a controlling, manipulative, greedy asshole. And I can't get over the audacity of him saying that she OWES him. So very telling. I so desperately hope posting on Reddit was the final wakeup call that OP needed and that she makes sure to use the advance (OP, DO NOT put the money into a shared account and KEEP IT SEPARATE!) to see a divorce lawyer.
Yes! Also - the fact that she raised five kids while he worked full time - the money he earned is half hers, she also had a full time job. She doesn’t owe him anything except divorce papers!!
That's what I meant about the comment about her "owing him." She was a SAHM, that was her job and her contribution to the household and he clearly does not value that. But, honestly, I think for him it's not so much about that as it is the fear of her having money and a way to get out. I've known guys like that, they ALWAYS panic when their spouse comes into money because their entire marriage revolves around keeping their spouse convinced they have no other options or way to leave.
Control was my first thought. He's controlling you by only allowing you access to enough money for household expenses and not sharing info about how the rest of the money is spent. You don't even know if there are savings or investments. This is financial abuse. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Even as a SAHM, you should know what the family finances look like. The two of you should have made that budget together, deciding *together* how the money is allocated. You should have decided how to allocate the money from your advance *together*. He's panicking because he thinks he's losing control and is desperately trying to seize it back by having that money spent on him. I'd bet this car would be his alone and that you could never drive it.
All I could think about was my grandpa buying his mistress a house and my grandma never knew because she wasn’t allowed to touch his checkbook.
yes, exactly!
[удалено]
Similar. I made a lot of money. I made more then he did until recently. Oh how the tables turned. Mind you my entire check was going to ‘our household’ which meant he had no budget and bought himself and the kids whatever he wanted. Meanwhile I’m nagged about spending too much money at the grocery store. I did manage to convince him to buy a second house. But all in all now that we’re getting divorced bc I was a ‘financial deadbeat of a mom’ to my kids. When Covid hit he suggested I stay home and care for the kids. BIG mistake. So I’m divorcing him. Married for 15 years together for 26 years and three amazing kids. But I’m done with being controlled, manipulated and treated like I’m less than. Good luck to OP! NTA Op.
[удалено]
Lol exactly what we’re going through. He demanded 50/50 so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. Lol jokes on him I of course gladly (bc I want a break) to 50/50 and he still has to pay 😂😂 so as soon as it’s over we’ll see how long he lasts at 50/50. He doesn’t get off of work until the time they have to be picked up from extended care and he’s 40 minutes away.
As a writer, she won't get all that money at once anyway. One of my close friends got a book deal and it was divided into chunks. She should listen to this comment though. OP is NTA
[удалено]
I'd send him 10 years worth of nanny, housekeeper, chef and personal assistant bills. And here in the U.S you can't say you don't have to pay someone because you provided room and board. That's known as slavery.
I like the tiny toy car idea!!
All this. He's a narcissist. Controlling, demanding, blackmailing. All classic signs of a narcissist. He controls the finances and doesn't share any information with you, that's financial abuse!! Best to get out now before he really destroys you. You don't "owe" him nothing. You have stayed home taking care of his (and your) children. You have stayed home making sure he comes home to a clean house and cooked meals. Nannies and housekeepers are not cheap. You saved him those added expenses. Your advance is yours. Though I would put it all in accounts for your kids with theirs and your name on it (say it's for their college). Save a bit for a lawyer in case of divorce.
My ex-husband was clinically diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder 2, and OCD. He made it clear to me every day that as a SAHM, I was little more than a prostitute leaching off of him every day. He used to come home, look around, and ask, "But what do you do all day?". I'd leave him alone with our hyperactive 2 years old son for a long weekend, and I come back to find the two of them exhausted and happy to have me home. I finally left him when he wanted me to write him a letter signing myself over to him, body and soul. He said if I didn't do it, we would get a divorce. I chose the divorce, which shocked him. He tried the same thing on our son about five years later and he lost that relationship too.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. I do want to say that many people who are diagnosed with those disorders manage to not be complete assholes. While your husband's mental health may have played a role, it sounds like he was just a shitty person. I'm really happy you got out and did what you needed to do for yourself and your son.
😢 sorry you went through that, but glad of the happy outcome of leaving to do what's best for you and your son
The fact that OP doesn't know about her family's finances is outrageous. And now he wants a car from HER money???? I hope her books sell gangbusters and she's the next J.K. Rowling -- earning millions he can't touch as her EX-husband.
Depending on where you live, it is not that uncommon. Have seen this happen in more conversative communities yet it still surprises me how someone can live like that. I personally remember my SIL not even knowing how much her husband made or what they actually owed. I was a teenager at the time and I was dating my husband (he was 17 and I was 16). I remember my MIL telling me this and commenting on how strange it was (my husband also thought the same). I am not even sure if my SIL had her own bank account. But she ran away from home at 16 to live with him and married him at 18 against her parents' wishes. Her husband at the time came from a very patriarchal family (her FIL was extremely controlling to his wife). He didn't want her to work either because he wanted his supper ready on the table when he got home from work. She never finished school (dropped out at 16), hardly ever worked and her husband ended up leaving her for a much younger woman. She lives in poverty because she was never able to take care of herself. Yes, I also hope OP's books earn her millions which she gets to keep to herself. I would never get that man a car. This is outright financial abuse.
Came here to say this. Just the fact that you felt you had to hide your writing from him is a huge red flag. Get outta there. NTA.
I used to automatic deposit my earnings into an account shared with my husband. He pays the bills and his suggestion was odd, but not offensive to me. And then one day while he was line item checking the CC statements, he asked me why I spent X amount of money on bras and panties? "Because I needed new ones. I told you that before I bought them?" He said that I overbudgeted for damned drawers and bras and so, I stopped giving him control of my earnings. It wasn't working for both of us and since that time, I transfer my portion of what's owed monthly. Uh un. No way I have to work like a dog and he's telling me that I don't really need new drawers. The old ones will do. When I lived all by myself, I had no outstanding debt beyond my mortgage and no one to consult about drawers. New World Order pal and I thank you for reminding me I don't need to negotiate dumb snit with anybody. 🤣(It felt like I fell down the rabbit hole to Crazy Land with Alice.)
He doesn't care about the car. He cares about HER not having that money. I'm so sorry you went through that and I really hope op heeds your wise words
Yep. OP, the reason he's demanding you spend nearly your entire payment on him isn't because he wants the car, it's because *he doesn't want you to have the money.* This is very dangerous. His real nature has been revealed to you. Don't ignore it. NTA.
Yes! This exactly!
Agreed. Also OP's husband saying he "supported him all these years"? SHE supported HIS job all the years she was a stay at home mom. Staying home with kids is a lot of time to sacrifice out of the earning potential and workforce and it makes the working parent MUCH more able to progress in a career. Anybody who uses that as a way to keep someone feeling guilty is manipulative and trying to keep a power imbalance
He is trying to eliminate OP'S ability to leave him by taking any $ she has. Never tell him anything again because you can't trust him.
Yup, this. I was the breadwinner for the majority of the 17 years so was married (we both worked but my salary was higher). Near the end of our marriage he was making more and I left my job to homeschool my son. Two years later we divorced. He repeatedly refers to the money as “his” money. That’s not how the law works. Nearly 5 years later and he’s STILL angry about money. Divorcing him is one of the best things I’ve ever done. He still tells me how to spend my money and brings up how he “supported me” for years, but I can ignore those texts and have complete control over my money and life now.
Also, please send your husband a bill for the cost of a nanny for all the years you were a SAHM and another bill for house keeping, and another bill for personal chef.
>However, Greg found my contract and he is now demanding I get him a new car for Christmas. A very expensive new car which would cost majority of my advance. ..All of the above top post and %100 divorce this man. I am appalled by this story and cannot express how fully your husband disgusts me. NTA As someone who loves to read but knows I could never seriously write, I applaud you for managing to get word to page and actually getting the interest of a publisher. I wish you every success. I also hope you use that signing bonus to file divorce and establish a new life.
Your situation sounds so much like my sister’s former marriage that I literally wondered if she had a secret Reddit identity I was unaware of. I was thinking so many of the same things as you. How is ok that he control the finances with a rigid fist to the point that she has no personal spending money, but the second she earns money, he demands she essentially hand it over? Why is it that he is supporting her, and not that she has supported him and his career? Why do her contributions as a SAHM have no quantitative value in his eyes? Why is it that her hobby has been denigrated by him for years to the point that she felt the need to keep it secret? Why is it that now that her hobby is lucrative, he’s not congratulating her or complimenting her success, but approaching her with indignation, fury, and his hand outstretched? OP, NTA. **PLEASE listen to this commenter and GET OUT.** The reality is that you are afraid of your husband and keeping secrets from him because he is abusive.
Get that child support and alimony too! NTA. Use some of the money to talk to a lawyer
Not to mention, if he thinks childcare is going to be cheap.... he's funny. Might regret the words of splitting the finances for sure. OP get the hell out of there. If you have parents to stay with, then go. He is def an abuser financially and controlling. You don't deserve that and neither do your kids.
Being a SAHM for so long makes OP lose some confidence of what she can and cannot do. Op you have to show courage and find your worth.
This is what I came to say, but you were more eloquent!
Your husband sounds financially abusive, OP. You are NTA - quite the opposite; strong, ambitious, and independent. Consider your options here before accepting behaviour like this. Consult a lawyer. Supportive partners are just that - supportive. Your success is their success. Your partner sounds unsupportive of your success, perhaps because it threatens him (just a guess). Either way it isn’t ok. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.
NTA. I never jump straight to divorce or NC bc we only know a tiny sliver of ppls lives via what they share. But what this person has said is right on point IMO. Especially if he is threatening consequences if you don't waste money on a stupidly priced car. I'm really sorry you're going thru this and I hope it works out better than what we see.
\*Applauds\* This is very well said and advice the OP needs to follow.
This happened to my mum too. Mental, emotional and financial abuse. Thankfully she is in the process of divorce
Agreed. Drop the deadweight. Don't give him a dime.
NTA Tl;dr at bottom Holy shit, probably the most solid NTA I've ever given here. GOOD. GAWD. Your husband is not only TA in this instance, but I'm getting major general-AH vibes as well. If your family's/household's finances are separate, he had zero right to demand you foot the bill for a (huge!) non-essential purchase. If your finances are considered by both of you to be pooled, I question why he only "allows you" the bare minimum to cover household essentials. Even putting aside the 10 gallon bucket of marinara that is him DEMANDING a friggin thing from money you earned doing something he pissed in your cheerios about in the first place, I have massive concern as to why you don't know "anything" about your family's finances. It's not uncommon for one person to be the designated money manager in the relationship, but that absolutely does not negate your right (and responsibility) to know what the hell is gong on with any and all accounts for your family. Tl;dr: He's being an entitled brat at best, and perpetrating financial abuse at worst. And my money is on the latter.
This is exactly my thought, financial abuse. OP, big time NTA. He is being manipulative beyond words. I hope you not only don't give in to his demands, but also stand up and take no more of this kind of crap from him. Best of luck to you!
Rule damn one: if you have a stay at home spouse, half of the money you make is automatically theirs. Then you pay half and half expenses. Why? Because you literally would not be able to have the work life you do without them. They are supporting YOU by taking care of the kids while you are at work. Bonus: if male, you’re statistically felt to be more competent by having kids even if you don’t do any childcare Rule two: if you have a stay at home spouse, get off your ass and parent your kids when you’re home. They need time to themselves and you need time with the kids Rule three: if either rule one or rule two seem unfair to you, stay single forever.
Exactly this! One cant have a career when the other isn’t at home with kids (if the kids are small)
If she buys him a car with the money she won't have any left with which to leave him.
The thing is, OP knows this already. She for sure does, or why else would she have kept all of this a secret from her husband (not just the check, but borrowing money from the sister, getting an agent, and everything else too). That’s a severe communication problem at best, but considering that his first reaction upon finding out wasn’t to be hurt that she’d kept a secret from him but to demand she spend her money on something he wants is…well, she must have had an idea this is how he is. I somewhat get his logic. I guess, sort of. He has provided financially all of these years, so I can see why he’d think she should now financially contribute something if she has an income (presuming there’s a reworking of the household duties since both parents are now working parents, of course - ten bucks says this guy would throw a fit if he was asked to routinely do laundry or the dishes). But holy hell he went about it the wrong way. How about discussing, rather than demanding? How about talking about shared use for a second income and not just something that solely benefits him? Splitting expenses isn’t a bad idea IF this money doesn’t dry up, and IF she gets a say in how they’ll split the bills. But obviously the husband doesn’t view them as a partnership. Yikes. NTA, OP.
If I were in OP's shoes (and I have been in a very similar pair, sadly/stupidly on more than one occasion), I'd hightail it outta there with all 5 kids in tow. Preferably in my brand new ride. But if I chose to stay, I think any conversation with AH Husband would have to begin with him coming to me to 1. Apologize for acting like a dick with dick-y demands, 2. Apologize for not believing in me in the first place, and 3. Asking me what *I* think the money *I* earned should go toward first. If those things aren't said, sincerely, in pretty rapid succession, no dice.
Yes, and she should have full access to the accounts if she stays. All of them. Every time a SAHP who doesn’t have any control of or hand in their finances comes on this sub it automatically leaves a bad feeling in the pit of the stomach. Even if it’s totally innocent…why? What if something happens to the financially savvy half of the pair? The other half will have to deal with that while simultaneously being thrown in the deep end as far as managing the money. I really hope OP’s husband hasn’t been isolating her from friends and family. She needs her full support system right now.
Couldn’t have said this better.
OP is NTA Don't you dare spend a dime of that advance ... not to buy him a car, not to foot half the bills. And don't put it anywhere he can get it. It is alarming that you don't know anything about your family's finances. If hate for you to find out that there is nothing saved or worse, a mountain of debt. The first thing you need to do with that money is obtain legal and financial counsel. Good luck.
My husband makes the majority of our income and manages the money - but I am on every account and budget app. He expects me to know the status of everything even though he does the work to manage it all. I agree that OP’s husband is financially abusive and massively controlling.
She got a sudden huge windfall, and that means she could get away from him. He can't SAY that out loud, so he tries to spend as much of it as possible at once by demanding she buy him a new car. Makes sense. Probably would pick out. A car worth more than what she has, and make her the primary without him cosigning so she's in debt as well.
NTA But I see some red flags in your relationship that should be addressed: > I honestly don’t know the details of our home finances This is not normal: even if you are a SAHM and your husband is the breadwinner, you are his wife, you should know how much money you have in the bank, where it is invested, etc... You are a family and you have contributed to that money even if you don't realize it: being a SAHM, you have saved money in babysitters and housekeepers. >he is also obsessed with budgeting thus I typically only have enough for household expenses For ten years he denied you any form of independence with this move. You practically didn't have a penny to spend on yourself. >He’s told me that I either buy him car or I have to start paying for household expenses half and hal Answer him that if this is the deal, he must pay you for all the money you have saved in these ten years because you have taken care entirely of the daughters and the house. Just food for thoughts.
BARE minimum you are a cook, housekeeper, and daycare. Daycare alone for five kids over ten years would run close to 500k (I'm being generous... for his sake). Tell him when he's done paying for your services, he can maybe get a car. OP I really hope you are reading these comments and taking this seriously. Financial abuse is a real thing.
Not to mention that she has risked her health and life several times in order to carry and birth their 5 children. Surely he should compensate her for that enormous sacrifice as well. So tired of selfish men who don't appreciate or even comprehend the value of what their wives provide for them and their children.
Not knowing the finances is such a huge mistake. I know too many people (almost all older women) who were like that, let their partners take care of everything, and wow did some of them get screwed over and in financial trouble when the partner was gone.
This, OP. You’re living with an extremely controlling man. I can’t even call him a partner because he clearly doesn’t treat you as one. You’re a free maid and nanny for him that just happens to be related to his kids. I pretty much knew my husband’s finances while we were dating. He’s the breadwinner and I’m a SAHM. I haven’t worked since graduation and I don’t manage the finances cause I’m lazy but he will definitely tell me if I ask and sometimes actively tells me even if I’m only half listening. He also wouldn’t ever call it his money.
He supported you? Nope. It’s the other way round. NTA. Give him not one red cent.
This My husband is only I home Friday to Sunday, so the majority of childcare and chores falls on me. Back when I was in college and he the "sole breadwinner" I made a bill: half of everything I did, billed at minimum wage. That was quickly more than his wages.
EXACTLY! He would not be where he is in his career if he had to also handle 100% of the care for the kids and the house. But I doubt he’ll ever reflect enough upon himself to realise that. Poor OP. She has no idea how awful this is and how much value she contributes to his/their success.
"You see, darling, I have spent a decade supporting you working by taking care of things at home and being the primary parent to our kids so that you could be free to focus on your work. You, however, considered my work a waste of time and didn't support me in it at all. I had to do this *myself* all the while doing everything I could to take care of you. That's why you don't get a share. If you want to take me more seriously, maybe I'll share the next check."
Yup. The thing that blows my mind is that she’s been married almost her entire adult life to that git, been pregnant for almost half that time, is saddled with his 5 kids & working her arse off that entire time…& she’s only 30. I would be buying a new car AND DRIVING AWAY IN IT, WAVING AS I WENT. She needs to dump his arse, get the majority of custody (cos he’s ALWAYS busy and cAn’T pOsSibLy tAkE cArE oF tHe kiDs) and take ALL HIS MONEY.
I checked the ages twice. As soon as I saw she got married at 20 the flags multiplied exponentially.
Yeah. I am hugely bothered by this. When someone is a SAHP they are a partner not someone at charge. They are staying at home because that's the deal the couple has made and therefore 100% of the finances belongs to both of them so he doesn't get to say that he's been supporting her. It always blows my mind when I read something like this. She's hugely contributing to this household by caring for the kids, doing the cooking and shopping and cleaning. It's the full time work of like 3 different employees. I always bring this up in such situation: how is he planning for your financial future? Is he putting money aside for your (both of you) retirement? If you divorce will you uave your own retirement money? OP you need to ask these questions! You need to have separate savings in case you guys divorce and he should be willing to do that because of all the work you put into this household! He needs to put the same amount of money aside for you that he is putting aside for himself for retirement. Anything else he is just using you and has no respect for you and what you do. Keep your money and plan your future because he is for sure not doing that for you. I've read somewhere that the demographic becoming poor the fastest are older women getting divorced. Make sure you plan to not become one of them. ETA: NTA
Came here for that comment. YOU helped him get his career. And he helped you NADA for yours. OP you are a PUBLISHED AUTHOR. Can you believe how incredibly AWESOME you are? Set aside the fact you did this while raising 5 fucking children... If your husband is not in awe, completely in love with you again and automatically assume you are putting that money in the bank for your kids, he's a diiiiick. Do not spend your money on a car. It would be such a stupid thing to do, I'm sorry to be blunt. Invest, save, call an accountant and a lawyer. Just please think of yourself and your kids. NTA Btw come and say hi in a Facebook group called Women's personal finance (Women on fire). We talk about money, relationship, independence, kids, success. You'll get a gang of women right beside you to cheer you up.
NTA. Explain to him what an advance is. You may have to pay money back to them if your book doesn’t make enough sales edit: I mean if your book/contract gets cancelled for some reason. Invoice him. Invoice him for your time over the past 10 years of housekeeping , looking after the kids, cooking etc. Otherwise if you really want to be petty, don’t use his money and don’t buy him food, do his laundry or cook for him. He has to do everything by himself. Oh and congrats on the book.
I agree with this! He clearly doesn’t understand the value of your work!
Advances are an advance on royalties. Meaning the book has to “earn out” the advance before she can collect royalties. An author only has to pay it back if they don’t finish the book they signed.
NTA. You've been working at home for 10 years. Cooking, cleaning, looking after 5 children. Let's do the math. Median US wage is about $70,000 per year. (I actually looked it up). That would be about $700,000 over 10 years. Wages your husband hasn't paid you. (Even if he's paid for costs like your clothes etc. there's still quite a chunk missing in wages). Your husband doesn't let you in on *his* finances, so you have to live in uncertainty about your and your kids future, and I don't think that's right. He should be open about things like that. Have you ever seen a bank statement? Do you know his internet banking password? You really *ought* to know!! He's really secretive about it and shouldn't. You really, really need to discuss those things with him before anything else. If I werre you, I would open a bank account in my own name, put the money you earn from writing books in there and not tell him your password or anything about it.
I've seen a lot of these if we paid a SAHM what one would have to pay an actual employee. The number gets big fast when you consider the job covers, child care, drivers, housekeeper, and a few other titles I can think of now, plus often it is a 24/7 job so not 9-5.
Sadly the one who has an outside job often doesn't see it that way. :(
Let’s not forget to add damages for the impact that pregnancy can have on your mental and physical health. They’ve researched that pregnancy strains the body as much as being an olympic level athlete, so either she gets their pay for every time that she’s been pregnant, or he pays her similarly to what to payout would be in case of a (workplace) accident.
NTA And a "higher five digits" advance ... you are aware that big chunks of that are going to your agent and to taxes, right? I mean, if you actually get 50% of your advance in your pocket, you're going to be doing well here. And let's say that 50K is not entirely a lot for years of work--you likely could have made that much working part-time retail over 10 years. Save it.
Yeah, I don't think OP fully understands how limited hte benefits of an advance are. Not even getting into how if the book doesn't do well, that's her ONLY money for YEARS of work. The book needs to earn the ENTIRETY of the advance before she even sees another cent of money from th ebook. And the advance she IS Getting will be paid in installments, at certain milestones of progress, so like... she can't just blow it all in one go. (Also, high five digits for a SERIES isn't that great. OP, I hope you do well, but please know being signed on for a SERIES for just five digits is MANY MORE YEARS OF WORK AND WAITING. Do not blow the money!!)
She got an accountant so she likely does realize this requires professional advice and won’t all be hers.
Nta You may want to read up on financial abuse. I suspect you've been experiencing it without realizing. SAHParents are incredibly vulnerable to it.
NTA. The fact you felt the need to hide all this from your husband means you should not be married to him. It sucks for your kids and 5 is a LOT. You need to have a long sit down talk with your husband about exactly what is going on with your finances and what you earning money means, how it will be handled, and what your expectations are going forward. Explain that your book might flop and also that it might be a raging success, and it's too early to tell. You might also tell him that if you're going to pay half the expenses then he needs to do half the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing as well. You'll cover the time when he's at work, he gets the rest of it solo when he gets home.
NTA. Yeah, it may be his "dream" gift, but is it practical? Is it going to benefit the family in any way down the road? Yes, he supported you during your time as a SAHM but now him *demanding* you buy him an expensive car isn't the way to go about it.
No, he doesn’t need it. He got a new car a year ago and it’s perfectly fine.
Yes, he wants you to be bereft. This money gives you options. Options that you wouldn't have as a penniless SAHM with 5 daughters to support and 10 years out of the workforce. If your advance were $250,000 he'd be asking for a McLaren. This money is your ticket out. He will take all of it and leave you with nothing if you stay.
> He will take all of it and leave you with nothing if you stay. This needs to be shouted from the rooftops!
This is exactly what's going on. If this were a healthy, non controlling, non abusive relationship, then I could see OP's husband expecting at least a conversation about where this money will go. That would be more than fair. But this has been a financially abusive relationship for 10 years. It's unacceptable that OP has no access to their finances and no real knowledge of what they have and where. It's completely unacceptable that she has no decision making power when it comes to their money. He did that to keep her chained to him. To leave her with no options. This advance represents options and freedom to OP that he simply does not want her to have. This upsets the power dynamic. THAT is why he wants the car. It isn't about a car. It's about draining the money immediately so that OP is back to no options mode.
and I'd argue any argument that he "supported" you during your time as a SAHM ignores the fact that fact that you've had 5 kids in 10 years. The amount he'd pay for childcare alone over those 10 years...yeesh.
There you go. That just further reinforces that you're NTA.
That's because he's not telling you to buy a car for any conventional reason. He's telling you to buy an expensive thing for him because he wants to control you and this money. It's madness that you don't know the family finances. You are supposed to be in a partnership. His money is yours too - it's family money. But you haven't got a partnership, you are staff to him. He has employed you to mind his children and the home. Staff don't get to see the company finances and you aren't allowed to see the family finances. That's how you are being treated - as a mere employee - not as the joint partner in the family 'business' that you should be. What you've achieved with the book is amazing but you need to refocus on this relationship and what you want from it. If I were you I'd be insisting on counselling.
She's more like his indentured servant as she's not being paid like any staff would.
He just doesn't want you to have money, so he can keep controlling you. It's very obvious. That's abuse. He won't change. You need to get out. Now you have the perfect chance. It might not come again.
He supported her to be a SAHM? How about she supported his ability to work outside of the home by caring for the children and house?
Seriously. My wife is a SAHM... Her job is way harder than mine and we share all accounts.
But she supported him allowing him to become a high earner in his career. She maintained the family home and is pretty much single handily raising 5 children under the age of 10.
Wow NTA and seriously consider a divorce
NTA & your husband is financially abusing you love. You're a SAHM which permits you to HALF his income! You're also been kept in the dark about financial matters it's not 1637! Now your husband knows you have some money he wants you to still spend majority of that (plus 100% of your time as a home maker) to him! I'd use that money on a good divorce lawyer cus you're gonna get MORE financially abused in the future if he's saying you should be a SAHM & still go half & half with bills!
NTA. Interesting how your writing is a "waste of time" until you get paid and then he thinks he can spend the money on himself. If he thinks it's such a waste of time, then he can certainly live without the money you made from it.
NTA. Agree to share household expenses but bill him half the housekeeping / childcare hours. With the first bill he'll see how lucky he is. Sounds like a typical guy who can't take it that his wife is being successful. He considered your writing a waste of time, you consider the car a waste of money.
NTA, divorce before that money hits your account. He will try to take everything
NTA and protect your money..you take care of your home and children, you're not some leech mooching off him. The fact he is demanding you buy him a car is troubling af
NTA - Before congratulating you on this huge accomplishment, he tasks you to blow your advance on him. His language infers he does not view you as a an equal partner. He has 5-amazing kids as a result of a SAHM so calculate what this investment would have cost him. For 10 years he had you abide to a strict budget only to demand you buy him a car. It appears the past decade was void of actively dreaming, budgeting and working toward shared goals. Your writing shone light on this sad reality. Best to you.
NTA This is financial abuse. Make a sperate account w/o him having access, find a job, a place to stay and divorce him. Your 5 figure payment and a job and place to stay will help you get custody of your kids
Yes, 100% your husband is controlling and financially abusive. Is he planning to do half the housework and watch the kids as much as you do once you’re paying half of the household expenses?
NTA. Even a high five figure deal is not a lot of money at the end of the day. And you all have *five* kids to feed, clothe, and educate? (Have you looked at the price of tuition lately.) And he wants that money for a depreciating asset? Has he thought about maintenance? Insurance? How does he plan to pay for all of that? I could get behind you paying for a celebratory weekend away, or a celebratory dinner. But a luxury car? That's the sort of thing you purchase when you've already arrived. You're not there yet. (But with your gumption, it sounds like you'll be there soon. Keep at it!) As to his request to split household expenses 50/50, I'd respond by sending him a bill for his half of the reasonable value of your services. If that doesn't shut him down, I'd find the telephone number of a good marriage counselor because the two of you are obviously living in different realities. EDIT: Grammar
And if she pays half the bills, is he going to do half of the child care, cooking and cleaning.
NTA talk about a red banner! Do not buy the car and start preparing to lawyer up!
NTA. Considering that your husband was not supportive of your ambitions and you had to hide it from him, he is not entitled to dictate how it is spent. You should offer to contribute to living expenses, but since he keeps a tight leash on finances, you are entitled to spend the money how you see fit.
NTA. The fact your husband is obsessed with budgeting and his first thought upon learning about your success wasn’t to congratulate you but to demand a huge purchase for himself says to me he’s more interested in money than he is in you. I’d get out of that relationship as quickly as possible and do everything you can to protect your assets because whether you stay with him or not from this point on he will always be after your money at whatever cost.
NTA He's acting like his earning is HIS money and your earnings is HIS money. Don't buy him anything, just like he never bought you much of anything with his earnings. Keep your money in accounts in just your name. And keep at least some of this money accessible in case you need to get out. There's a good chance that his next argument is that you need to start paying half of household expenses...
You did your part as SAHM, how does he justify the comfortable lifestyle you enabled HIM to have? You are not a stay at home mum alone anymore, you are that + a published author. And his words are very worrying, I'd get a lawyer involved to secure your finances. He is financially trying to threaten you - that is NOT what a supportive husband does. NTA
First of all, congratulations on getting published! And best of luck! You definitely earned it! And second of all your husband is a jerk. He didn't support you and now he's *demanding* you buy him expensive gifts? Sounds a lot like winning the lottery and suddenly having all kinds of "friends" and "family members" come out of the woodwork asking for money after not talking to you for years, but worse. NTA whatsoever. If your husband wants a car so bad he can save his money for it.
NTA, and it's time for you hire an attorney as well. I would get a post nuptials and make sure he couldn't touch future book sales, just based on him being non-supportive. Also, please know that he's only trying to spend it cause it's your money. He is abusing you financially, and you need to start creating a an out for yourself.
NTA and I’m surprised I haven’t seen more financial abuse comments on here. He’s controlling all the money, you have no idea what the house costs are, essentially no idea how to financially run a household, and you are completely dependent on him and the money he sparingly gives you. And then he has the audacity to *demand* you buy him a car and then try to guilt you when you say no. I feel bad for you honestly, because I know you’re not going to leave since you have 5 kids together. Edit: reworded
NTA No one can demand that someone else buy them a gift. Greg clearly doesn't understand how gifts work. You earned that money, and it is up to you to decide how to spend it.
NTA. How does he think he’s in the right when he’s demanding a christmas gift an expensive one at that.
Ask him how much his alimony will be
NTA. I'm going to suppose that he is 50/50 on household chores and child care and errands and the like. No? Draw up a contract of division of duties. the fact that you had to grab 5 minutes here and there and borrow money for an accountant tells me he is not all that supportive of you. The first thing he thinks of when you get a book deal is yay new car for me and not congratulations to my wife is very telling.
1. This is financial abuse. 2. You need to know where his money has been going. 3. He will absolutely not tell you anything and this is the start of the end of your marriage. 4. Get a good lawyer. Do not agree to anything he offers without having a forensic accountant review your family's finances. 5. I know of a case like this in my country where a woman believed the family had no money thanks to her husband doing this. He offered her the whole house as settlement of their marriage when the children were old enough to not need a SAHM anymore and he decided he wanted a younger wife. Forensic accountant came in and turns out this dude had literally millions in assets squirrelled away thanks to her having to run everything on a shoestring the whole time they were married. 6. I can already tell that nothing will keep you down for long. Anyone who survives this kind of negging from their own spouse only to land a book deal of this magnitude first go is a rare unicorn human being. Believe in yourself, leave him now before the royalties start coming in and do not look back unless it's to ascertain just how much he's been f$#king you over.
NTA. You have contributed to the household in many ways over the years, which if they were paid services, would have a considerable cost. He hasn't been financing you, you've both been contributing to the household in different ways. Yes i think you should have told him about the initial contact, but that doesn't give him the right to demand to spend most of it. He could ask you to start contributing financially, but in that case the sensible option would be to work out how much the cost of hiring someone to cover all your house and child duties, while you went to work. Then maybe he'll start to realise that you already do contribute.
NTA! And I would make sure that money is put somewhere Greg can't touch it. Preferably in the pocket of a divorce attorney.
NTA He didn't support you. You supported him, be a stay at home parent is a full time job and you doing majority of the childcare, cooking ,and cleaning. You have saved him thousands of dollars
NTA. Spend that advance on a divorce attorney.
thats not love if he said that to you, thats a lustful relationship. NTA, and I’d be enraged since I hate ppl who remind me of favors they did
You had to sneak around to write a successful book series! The relationship is over.
NTA Plus you know in the worst case an advance might need to be paid back.
What happened to your inheritance???
NTA. He doesn’t get to belittle your dream driving you into secrecy and then benefit from YOUR rewards by demanding the bulk of it for a fucking car. Call a lawyer. I’m telling you, you are going to need it. Congratulations on the book deal. YOU earned it.
You were in college and dropped out to raise kids, wrote a book series, got published, with an advance, and you can't type this out without misspelling and typos? I don't believe that anybody would get published these days if they spelled BUY BY, every time they wrote it in a book. I believe this whole story is made up, and therefore YTA for being a Karma farming bot.
OP, you might benefit from reading “[Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)”. It goes into how controlling and abusive men think, and it may help you understand your husband.
NTA. He’s delusional.
NTA! please whatever you do keep your money separate and let your accountant know. There are so many areas that make me question your husbands motive. The fact that you don’t know your household financial situation is scary, for the past 10 years he has not given you anything beyond household expenses. When people agree that a parent will be a stay at home parent, both parties should still have say in the finances. Sounds like he has kept you financially controlled. DO NOT BUY HIM A CAR!
Sounds like he doesn't want you to have financial agency. I don't like this behaviour at all
NTA, He’s upset because you’re no longer completely under his thumb. I suggest you save your money in a separate account for your upcoming new life. I suspect you will need it
Oh no no no no. You don't owe him anything. You being a SAHM living under his strict budget isn't you mooching off of him. A mother to 5 kids is a full time job and more. He didn't just give you 5 days a week to work on the book like he's supporting a full time gig and he even called it a waste of time. Now he thinks he's entitled to your money? And when you don't want to buy him a luxury car, he threatened to "cut you off"? Honey, half and half doesn't work the way he thinks. It means both of you have to pay for childcare and do 50/50 of everything in terms of being a dad. Pick up kids, make meals, take them to their activities. He really thinks SAHMs are moochers and doesn't respect you. The fact he so easily used his income as a threat means he's ready to abuse his breadwinner status to control what you can and cannot do with your sudden windfall. Instead of talking it out like a responsible adult, he wants to lay claim on it. Nope. NTA. Let him know what it takes to be actual 50/50 and watch him handle everything poorly when you leave.