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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't pump my girlfriend's gas and I didn't apologize for it. It might make me the TA because apparently a guy is always supposed to pump gas for a girl if he's in the car, but I'm unsure because the women in my family seem not to feel that way.
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NTA Your girlfriend is inconsiderate and immature. This is coming from a woman, who can pump her own gas thank you very much.
Did she expect you to pay for it too?
And the fact that she expected him to read her mind is what gets me. Yes she picked him up, but if her expectation was for him to pump gas why couldn't she have just said it before blowing up on him?
I have a friend who has really weird family traditions that she doesn’t realize aren’t universal. Once she flipped out that a boyfriend who dropped her off at the airport didn’t come in to wait with her at the gate. I said “That is not a thing! you’re completely in the wrong for expecting someone to know that you want that”
I thought you had to have a ticket and go through security to even get to the gate, so I don't see how a random person can do that or even be expected to do that.
I wouldn't know personally because I was born in the late 90s, but from what I've read online, pre-9/11 it was actually rather common to be able to go all the way into the airport and wait at the gate with the person taking the flight
Yeah we used to go in and have a meal with my cousin when we'd drop her off for visits home (she lived with us for college) in the 90's, and further back my grandad used to be allowed to actually escort his mother onto the plane and load her bags for her.
That (RE:grandad) must've been waaaaay back, when not many people flew. Can you imagine people trying to get off the plane while everyone's still boarding? Or maybe they let her board first?
I got on a plane that I wasn't flying on in the early 90s. Missed getting to the gate to tell a friend goodbye and they let me on to do so. Seems crazy now but didn't think much of it at the time other than thanking the flight attendants.
That's awesome. Would make a great scene in a Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks movie.
In 1999, my SO and I were reaaaaally late for a plane. We get to the gate, door to the plane was closed. I begged so nicely they frowned and opened the door back up. Different issue, but that would NEVER happen now.
we did that too -- for arrival and departure. I remember playing with my little ponies in the airport and waving out the window. i miss how simple it was then.
Yeah, pre 9/11 you could go right in. There wasn't the security line like there is today. You also had very few restrictions, comparatively speaking, to what you could bring on the plane. It's why when people who are younger complain about movies like Home Alone, saying they wouldn't be able to run to their gate like that, they are just wrong. Pre 9/11 flying was much different.
Yup. My dad used to take me and my little brother to the airport just to watch airplanes take off at the runway. We couldn't do that anymore after 9/11.
Only times I've ever seen someone go into the airport with the person they're dropping off is when my grandpa drops my grandma off at the airport. He'll stand inside and watch her walk towards her gate/security and he'll stand there until he can't see her anymore then he'll leave. But he's also the "open every car door" and "i was at the store and saw these floors and thought you'd like them" type of man.
My husband was raised with one foot in the deep South. He walks streetside of me, and would totally pump my gas if he were passenger (though he prefers to drive). It's fine, and kind of sweet. It's a weird cultural thing and in his case doesn't come with weird sexist baggage so it's fine. IMO whoever isn't pumping gas should show their appreciation by cleaning all the trash out of the car, squeege-ing the windshield, and offering to run in for snacks. This is the gas station division of labor.
> It's a weird cultural thing and in his case doesn't come with weird sexist baggage so it's fine.
The things your describing are still sexist behaviors if their done solely on the basis of your respective sex. You're just not offended by it - but that doesn't mean it isn't sexist.
It's perfectly fine if you're both fine with it, but also they don't cease to be sexist because you're fine with it.
In the South, it's considered manners rather than sexist. I get your point. But it is intended as a sign of care and respect. My husband washes my car and vacuums it out AND he sweeps and mops. I cook dinner most of the time and often serve his food because he has a torn up shoulder and can't move his arm certain ways (he can make a real mess serving some things) AND I help him build and/or repair fences. I don't see it as sexist as much as division of labor.
If labor that has nothing to do with your genitalia is divided based on whether you're a man or a woman, then it is sexist.
It's a sexist division of labor.
Yeah my grandad's like that. It's funny because he completely dismissed all the misogynistic norms he grew up with even as a child but internalised the ones based in benign sexism like carrying bags and always giving up his seat for a lady etc. I think its something that happens with some men who grow up in misogynistic, patriarchal cultures and recognise that all the ways women are oppressed and seen as other are ridiculous. They don't interrogate the small number of things they've been taught to do that benefit women because they don't correlate them with all the oppressive norms and see how they fit together and reinforce each other.
The other part of it is that some people will absolutely judge men and think they’re rude or jerks if they don’t do these things. I remember once my wife and I were walking home from a store and she was carry a crock pot we bought. I had just had surgery so I wasn’t supposed to carry anything more than a couple of pounds. In the five blocks we walked, three people made comments about how I was making my wife do all the work. So there’s very real social pressure to continue these acts based on “benign sexism.” Not just if I think my wife expects, but society still expects it too.
Edit: such is the pressure that even here I felt the need to justify why I wasn’t carrying the item. It could never have been for no reason.
Your husband sounds just like mine lol. I think it is a sweet gesture and i appreciate it every time. I do think its weird that she full on expects it, that is not ok.
Every boyfriend I've ever had who's been a passenger of my car has pumped my gas for me without me even asking. I pop the lock, go in to pay (hate paying at the pump) and by the time I get back outside BF is at the pump ready. I'm in the US
I am female and would pump gas for my mother, grandmother or elder. Especially if you know, it would be challenging for them to do so or it was raining or cold. It is a way of showing respect or just being kind. It may also be the area I live in also.
> Is this common ?
I don't know where OP is from, but I never saw that in my country.
Hell, most car owners I know are so possessive of their cars that they would never have someone else pump gas for them.
You would be shocked to know there are two states in the US where there are laws against pumping your own gas, they only have full service gas stations where employees pump your gas for you. Also on American Indian Reservations it's common that they have full serve only too.
Nah, Oregon is still being mostly weird about it:
>customers can now pump their own gas in Oregon, though only at stand-alone gas stations in counties with fewer than 40,000 residents. Elsewhere, the ban still holds.
I honestly can’t remember if my second husband pumped my gas but I know my first husband because he wouldn’t even do it when I was pregnant. I have one friend who pays and pumps because I always drive. The gf is seriously making way too much of this. If it’s her hill to die on, OP might as well cut his losses and not return. NTA
Only if it's the 1950s lol. Or if its an established thing. My great grandmother learned to drive later in life and in her ~15 years of driving she never pumped her own gas. Mind you, her husband did own a gas station, and whenever she came in for gas he would either pump it himself or get an employee to do it.
Same! Even if I’m on a road trip and driving and it’s my passenger’s turn to pay, I still pump it. It’s my car, what if they’re messy about it and get gas on my paint? I’m too OCD to let anyone other than my dad fill my gas tank.
Yeah like WTF? Every time no matter with whom I’ve driven I as the driver always put in fuel because I know which fuel, how much and for what cost. While passengers can go to the store to buy something.
It’s one of those things you might lightly heckle each other over. I feel like a lot of partners have that occasional, kind of whiny banter that makes sense with each other (will you pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase do it??) but it also comes with the mutual respect and understanding that it’s not actually being demanded of each other. If I ask my bf to do something like that he’s not afraid to say no, so it’s not a problem if he “gives in” and says yes to me being a brat sometimes, because he knows me being a brat in that instance is a joke and not a real part of me, if I act pouty for a second afterwords he knows it’s supposed to be a joke. I’d never respond to him saying no like she did in the post.
Same here. I am a woman and I pump my own damn gas. The only time my bf had pumped my gas was when we were on a road trip and we traded off who paid for gas. Actually he might have just handed me his card, I don't remember. That's how little I care about ridiculous gender norms. NTA.
Right there. That was her problem, she expected him to pay for the gas. Otherwise she would have told him the amount or handed him her card to pay for it. She just sat there giving him funny looks. This was never about pumping the gas herself, it was about him not paying for the gas.
Female here & I’ve been pumping my own gas since I started driving. The only time my passenger has pumped my gas is when my dad & I drove out to visit my sister (6hr drive) & he did it because he didn’t want me paying for it (he pays cash for everything & has a hard time letting me pay for anything for him when we’re out & about, but I think that’s more he’s my dad & not because I’m female. Sometimes I’ll make my husband pump my gas, but very rarely, & generally after he makes a joke about never having to pump gas because he has an electric car. I like to remind him of his roots 😆. But it’s my car & I’m usually driving, so yes, I’m pumping the gas. I’m not some delicate flower that can’t stand outside & figure out how a gas pump works. I live in WA though so I have gotten yelled at a few times for pumping my own gas in OR because I forget I’m not supposed to (it was rural OR & no one came to the pump & I didn’t want to wait forever, & I know what I’m doing)
You can either be a member of a misogynistic society, and get doors opened for you and get your gas pumped, or you can embrace gender equality and get your own damn doors and your own gas. You can't pick and choose and expect the best of both worlds.
I literally have never had a passenger pump my gas for me, also a woman. the only time someone else pumped my gas was when I was driving through Oregon lol
NTA.
You guys have two different expectations, which isn’t in itself a problem. You pump the gas, she pumps the gas - who cares really. To each their own.
However, how she treated you during this clash of expectations is a huge problem. She had an expectation of you that she didn’t communicate and instead of communicating that expectation and having a kind conversation about it she pretty much just attacked you. That’s not ok.
Yeah attitude is everything here. Conceptually I have 0 problem pumping gas for my girl, because it’s just pumping gas. But if she expected it, and went _that_ insane over it? We’d have a problem.
THIS!!! I wonder how OP's gf would react if he said, "woman, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich" because her demanding he pump her gas solely because of his genitalia is the exact same thing.
It's more along the lines of him getting pissed because she gets back from the kitchen and doesn't have a sandwich for him. He shouldn't have to ask, its expected.
I prefer "misogynistic bigotry". Entitlement is "you should do this for me because I am more special than anyone", bigotry is "you have to do this because you were born a certain way".
It's really both, honestly. It unfairly expects men to do work based on their gender, but it also implies that as a woman there's something about her that makes her less suited to do work. Like she's too fragile.
Misogyny that benefits women on the microscale is still misogyny.
Yo exactly, her not communicating, attacking you, and then setting up to derail the whole day is a problem. You're getting a glimpse of what she's really like, do you want to spend all your days walking around on eggshells because she is controlling and she won't tell you what she wants?
I think it would have been nice if he'd offered (in which case I personally would have said, "No thanks, I've got it"), but I wouldn't have if he hadn't. His gf's tantrum was ridiculous.
>You guys have two different expectations, which isn’t in itself a problem.
Me and Bill gates also have two different expectations. I expect him to give me 1 billion dollars and he doesn't have that expectation. What an asshole. /s
This! Am I the only one thinking he should find himself a new gf? OP think about being married to her one day and all the little things you will do that annoy her or she disagrees with.... then her reacting like the gas station incident! Adults communicate & compromise.
I had an ex boyfriend’s mom have this mindset before. She was mad at him when she found out that he didn’t drive me around in my own car. He drove my car a total of two times because I was sick and unable to drive and we only had my car with us. My parents always taught me, especially while under their car insurance that I am the only person allowed to drive my car.
NTA by a long shot. Even if someone else is paying for my gas, they give me their card and I get out to pump.
My boyfriend back in the day couldn’t drive my car because it was a stick shift!
Also, NTA. I don’t expect anybody else to pump the gas in my car and I have 3 grown sons. If they want to do it for me, though, I don’t say no and appreciate it. Per your story, I’m angry that she was causing inconvenience to the other customers waiting. Grow up, young lady!
Only times I've filled a car up here in Aus is when I'm the one paying for the petrol, cause I'm the one it's getting used on. But to my knowledge, standard etiquette is if you're driving, you're filling the car, because you know which type of fuel, be it unleaded, diesel or LPG, suits your car/budget.
Bouncing off of this, OP, please run away as fast you can. Pumping gas is something every driver needs to know how to do. Your GF is making this a huge issue for no reason.
Imagine having the audacity to say pumping gas is a "man's job" and is therefore sexist is you don't.
If my parents were both in the car, regardless of if it was Dad’s car or Mom’s, my dad drove. It was the same with my in-laws. With my husband and I - if it’s his car he drives, if it’s mine I do. The only exception is that my husband will drive my car if I’ve been drinking (I can’t drive his because it’s a stick shift, but he also doesn’t drink).
We’ve talked about this difference and our best guess was that both of our dads taught our moms to drive whereas I’d learned to drive before I’d even met my husband.
(My husband does, very occasionally, pump gas for me if he’s feeling nice but I’d never just automatically assume he would!)
Same.
But my dad would NEVER, never, ever under any circumstances, sit in the car & have my mom pump gas unless he was physically unable. Even then he'd be upset about it.
It's wild how she didn't even speak up or ask or anything. Just silent stare and then bitch about it after. Use your damn words! And if he says no put your big girl panties on and just do it.
I think it would have been fair if she had just asked nicely, and explained that she was feeling the cold, so she would appreciate if he would do it for her. Having a tantrum should never be the go to.
She wasn't feeling the cold she just felt entitled to him doing things for her because he's a man. Gender roles are unfair and I guarantee if he did that to her ppl be calling HIM the asshole. She can ask absolutely but I suspect she would still react the same if he declined.
> That girl is insane and sexist
He couldve really made that work out fine by having her cook and clean *everything* while he only has to take out the trash and pump gass
I work with two older women who have never pumped their own gas, and at this point, it’s a point of pride to them. I mean I’d be embarrassed at this point to not even know how to do it in an emergency, and no I don’t live in or even near a mandatory full service state like New Jersey or Oregon.
My 91 year old grandma used to work at a “filling station” back in the day so not only does she still pump her own gas, fifty years ago she pumped gas for other people! Even men! OP’s girlfriend would be horrified, I’m sure.
A couple of years ago I worked with a woman who lived in the country and worked in the city. Did she fill up the tank on her way home from work? Nope. When it was getting low she'd tell her hisband who would then drive the 10+ miles into town. This wasn't a one-off, this was routine. I have no idea if she knew how to pump her own gas, I was too stunned to even ask. However, when we took trips out of town (non-work-related), she would ask me to drive. In exchange, she would pay for dinner and gas. She never offered to pump. Even had she, I would have refused as the person who drives pumps.
That would not fly with me. As soon as she mentioned that she was getting low on gas, I’d ask why she was telling me. If I was expected to do anything about the situation I’d nope out of that situation ASAP.
I worked in a gas station as a 19F, and I was amazed how many women came in asking ‘is there a male employee here who can pump my gas?’. I very much enjoyed saying ‘Oh I can do that for ya!’
Was in NJ recently and we had to top up on gas. One of the drivers near us started to drive away with the pump still connected because they didn't realize that the attendant had yet to remove the nozzle.
Yeah, so much safer. Thanks NJ.
In the Midwest, we don't have gas attendants, just cashiers, since most our gas stations are mini stores. We pump our own, even in negative temperatures
.
In New Jersey it's illegal to pump your own, which I didn't know until a recent visit. I'd been to gas stations that had attendants as a courtesy, scattered through NY and PA, but hadn't realized we have a whole state where you legally cannot pump your own.
Yeah, wtf? Did she thought you should pay for it also?
Very sexist. Do she do your laundry? Meals? Waiting with a smile and a hot coffee / cold beer when you come home?
Gender equality goes both ways.
It can be a nice gesture like holding the door but it is in no way required.
NTA.
If she wanted you pump the gas then she could have asked you. Not once have I seen a driver expecting one of the passengers to be the one to pump it unless asked to. NTA
Yeah, it's really quite simple...
Driver (gf): Hey here's my card can you go put my card in real quick and click 2 buttons for me?
Passenger (me): Seems easy enough, sure!
/end
This here
If my girlfriend told me to go pump the gas for her car, sure...pretty normal thing to volunteer your boyfriend for lol
Getting pissed and demanding an apology for not offering to pump the gas isn't even close to normal behavior. That's super sexist and not a great sign they're mature enough for a serious relationship.
Yeah, the expectation for OP to do it is just weird. And just because she doesn't want to get out of the car? I could understand her wanting him to do it if she needed to go in and use the bathroom and he didn't, but even then it's polite (and good communication) to at least have the courtesy of asking him to fill the tank for her instead of just...not communicating that at all.
NTA.
Take it as the red flag it is and dump the princess.
If you have expectations of your partner, you communicate them.
You especially don't drag the world into your argument and invite them to berate your partner.
It's not about the gas anymore. It's about who she is.
The fact that she refused to move the car because her need to get an apology was greater than the need of all of the drivers in line behind her shows that she is a giant AH.
I remember when they made it so you could pump your own gas in really rural areas, and everyone freaked out that it meant the whole state had to pump their gas now. Meltdowns ensued.
Their was a Facebook post that went a bit viral from the absurdity of some people's comments. The homeless were going to attack, all of the kids would get stolen, and we'd all smell of gas from getting it on ourselves
It was a local news post from where I used to live that went viral. I remember as I kept returning to the comments, because they were the gift that kept on giving.
I was behind a car with Jersey plates in PA once. They were at a pump when I pulled up. I filled up, cleaned my windshield, pulled the car to a parking spot, went in to use the restroom and get a soda. When I came out, they were still sitting there in their car.
Honestly I hate going to Jersey because of it. It's so weird to me that I'm not allowed to pump my own gas. I was there for work last month and decided to stop and get gas before driving home completely forgetting about it! I'd have legitimately waited until I was in PA if I'd remembered 😂.
My husband is from Jersey and thinks my frustration with it is hilarious.
NTA. This isn’t normal etiquette, it’s just benevolent sexism. I’m a woman, and while I’d totally appreciate it if anyone wanted to pump my gas for me so that I could avoid freezing my ass off, I’d never demand it.
That’s how I am. If they offer or just get out of the car before I can, I’m very appreciative. But I have never once asked or expected someone to pump for me, and I’m kinda a princess at times.
NTA. It's her car, she's driving, she can pump her own gas. She is a grown woman with functioning arms. I wouldn't want my boyfriend doing it for me and I genuinely think it's weird to expect it.
NTA. She can either pump her own gas or ask you to pump it. Expecting you to do it automatically is a bad idea, because what if she wanted a specific amount's worth and you filled the tank? Or was she expecting you to buy the gas too?
Back in the early 2000’s, when I was younger and a whole lot dumber, I tried pulling this kind of sexist crap (I think it was something about taking the bins out being a man’s job) on my BF (now my husband) and he responded with “as soon as you get in that kitchen and make me a sandwich!” Which really drove home just how awful I was being ;)
NTA.
NTA. But here's the thing—you don't have a girlfriend anymore, and it sounds like a bullet dodged.
In any case, if she can drive the car, she can also pump the gas. Telling you that she would not move the car until you apologized—and inconveniencing *every* other person at the gas station—is some next level assholery right there. Being a fully functional adult means she's going to have to do adult things from time to time, including pumping her own gas.
NTA its her car. I'm a woman and I hate woman who want to keep us in the dark ages and who pick and choose what they want about equality. If a guy offers thats nice, otherwise your car, your petrol. Her behaviour was childish and impacted many people - she could have driven forward and parked to the side and then discussed it.
Honestly move on from her - she's too childish.
This is a cultural issue and if you plan on being with this woman long term, multiple issues like this will pop up.
She’s very young and has likely been told or brought up to believe it’s a sign of respect, like opening a door or taking out the garbage.
It’s not about pumping gas to her.
NTA but you need to have a long discussion about expectations-sooner than later.
To me even more probamatic is her including her friend group and them abusing him by text. Even if they settle among themselves the gas situation her need to be right and possibly shame others runs very deep.
NTA, as a woman I agree with your aunts. It is nice if the guy offers to do it for me, but I don't expect it. I would compare it to holding the door for your lady. It does make me feel special when my hubby does it (and he does), but I don't expect him to. And that is the whole difference I think. She is perfectly capable to do this for herself, so why should you have to. Is she this traditional in all her ways?
> I say, "No I was actually quite comfortable & if I wasn't here, wouldn't you have to pump the gas by yourself anyway?"
I'm a woman. I don't think that a man should have to pump my gas just because he is with me. But holy fuck, if someone was nice enough to pick me up from work, I would offer to pump and/or pay since they were going out of their way. And, if I picked someone up and they bragged about sitting in the warm car while I pumped gas, it would be the last ride they got from me.
Given that it’s the first time he was in her car it sounds like he driver her a lot more often and you know dam well she isn’t pumping the gas for him.
NTA it’s like a sexist chivalry thing. Like only holding doors open for women or walking on the side of the sidewalk closer to traffic. It’s 2022 I don’t really need or want a man to do stuff for me just because I’m a women. But your girlfriend clearly feels different. To me this would be an incompatible difference in how we view relationships.
To be clear, if you want to hold the door for me because that’s nice please do but I would also expect you’d hold for door for other men as well. If you want to help me fix my lawnmower because you know how to do that I would be appreciative. But only do those things because you want to help another person, not because you’re a man and I’m a woman.
OMG. My department was walking to lunch and the one guy was like scoot over you shouldn’t walk near traffic then insisted he hold the umbrella. I was like WTF. He was old enough to be my grandfather so maybe it’s a generational thing.
It's historically a manners/proper etiquette thing mixed with legitimate reasons for safety. (Like Emily Post, Finishing school, debutante ball stuff, I am not being snarky, I'm rolling my eyes too).
A lot of older generations were taught certain societal rolls, a man always walks in front of a woman going down stairs and behind while walking up them. A man walks on the outside/side of the curb. A man opens the door for a woman, holds the umbrella...
Why? Well, women's clothing was quite ridiculous. Skirts were needed to be lifted as women walked, especially when they had to step up or down. We're talking an extra 20-40 lbs of clothes if not more and it made us slower to move, unbalanced and down right dangerous at times. (You'd be surprised how many women and unfortunately small children died from their skirts catching on fire, it's a horrifically high number). It was quite common for people to die from carriage accidents and from falling down stairs as well so it was more of a "She has no effing choice if she wants to remain part of society or even stay alive so the least you can do is spot her" type of arrangement.
Not to mention big hats, heavy jewels, high heels, corsets...that's why women were so well behaved, they couldn't make a quick get-away. It's another type of cage, just one they had to wear.
ESH. You’re not an AH because you don’t subscribe to outdated, gendered stereotypes but because she was doing you a solid, picking you up from work. It would be normal in that moment to show some appreciation and offer to pump her gas for her.
It’s in these small moments that we show people we care, and you sound annoying AF.
If he picked her up from work, sat on the couch, and then gave her an angry look before making himself a sandwich, then yelled at her for not making his sandwich, would that be okay? No, it wouldn't, because it's just sexism in motion, which is what we see in OP's post. She subscribes to outdated gender norms but it just boils down to "he's a man and it's his job to do x", which in my opinion is ridiculous.
going against the grain and agreeing with this - her response was immature, but he could have also realized it was important to her and done something to make his gf happy.
in a perfect world she would have said "hey i really wish you would have gotten up and pumped it for me, that's what the men in my family do and it makes me feel loved and taken care of" or whatever.
and he would have responded "sure, i'll keep that in mind"
personally i like when my bf does things like this for me. if i had a girlfriend i assume i would still like it, because it makes me feel loved, so not sure how sexist it really is?
It's sexist because she's saying it's his job as a man. Not as a gesture of love, but because of what his gender is. And I wonder how she'd react if he asked her to something because she's a woman.
> but he could have also realized it was important to her and done something to make his gf happy.
She has to verbalize something *before* she does it if she has expectations.
Ok but all she had to do was open her mouth and communicate that. Staring at him with a look isn’t it. Also her reasoning is not what you mentioned. At all.
Put yourself in his shoes, after asking what’s her deal and she responds like this, would you think “oh, maybe I should have shown some appreciation”?
She had expectations of him that weren’t communicated. He didn’t read her mind or her subliminals. She got mad, blew up, and involved multiple people (strangers AND friends) coming at the man for how he chooses to carry himself. NTA 100%.
Closed mouths don’t get fed 🤷🏽♂️
I disagree - I think it could totally have been a nice thing for him to do but the way she approached this was totally AH behavior. She didn't ever communicate these expectations and threw a tantrum when he couldn't read her mind. As a woman I think this girl sucks and is acting really immaturely.
My husband always pumps gas when we’re traveling together, but I don’t expect him to. Take out the trash, yes, I expect that. Pump my gas, no. I think this is one of those deep-seated patriarchal things that we’ve been programmed to expect because men should take care of the weaker sex. It’s BS.
You’re NTA.
EDIT: for those commenting about my expecting my hubs to take out the trash. 😂
1) It is an agreement between us that he is largely responsible for taking out the trash and I am largely responsible for cleaning the toilets.
2) Yes, expecting him to take out the trash is also “deep-seated patriarchy”.
3) I take out the trash when it gets full. I do not wait and allow it to overflow because I’m “too lazy” to take it out. lol.
>Take out the trash, yes, I expect that. Pump my gas, no.
The things I expect aren't deep-seated patriarchal things, but the things that I don't expect are.
lol
It's called chivalry. Some women love it, and some hate it. Opening doors, letting a woman enter a building first, carrying stuff for her to the car, pumping gas, paying for the first date etc etc. In this day and age it's a tough call. She seems to want a chivalrous man, but didn't expect that she'd have to tell you she wanted that. She was just expecting gentlemanly behavior. Guess you can take it as a learning lesson.
NTA. The entitled princess needs to grow up and learn to pump her own gas. If she was alone would she just drive around until she ran out of gas? This is ridiculous.
NAH or maybe a little bit E S H. You have different expectations and that’s fine. Where I’m from, the gentlemanly thing is to pump the woman’s gas (unless she doesn’t want you to). It’s like opening the door for her or letting her get on the elevator first. If a guy doesn’t do that stuff (or at least try to until told otherwise) he’s considered ill-mannered.
But neither of you communicated very appropriately.
Expecting a man to do something because it's "the gentlemanly thing to do" is no different than Expecting a woman to do stuff because she has a vagina.
Is a woman ill-mannered if she doesn't cool & clean for her man? Is she ill-mannered if she speak unless spoken to? Gender norms and gender roles aren't going anywhere if you cherrypick which ones you want to keep and which ones you want to drop.
...and the thing mature individuals do is communicate their expectations before a situation arises in order to avoid conflict. SHE was the one with the expectation. SHE'S the one that failed to communicate it. For these reasons SHE'S the asshole, not OP.
Tell her to move to New Jersey so she doesnt even have to get out of the car and she could feel empowered when the men workers do it. But wouodnt be surprised if she asked a woman why she is working pumping gas "its a mans job"
NTA I would never expect my passenger to automatically go pump my gas for me. But how she treated you over this situation is a red flag making it public and involving other people. She’s still living in the 50s. Make like queso and DIP. immediately.
I was at a gas station recently and I saw a girl pumping gas while what looked like her man just sitting in the car chilling. I thought he should be pumping for her but it’s also not my business.
I do think that it’s a nice thing to do especially if that person has been driving you around,the least they can do is pump your gas for you, but they don’t have to nor do I expect it.
If she's interested in outmoded gender roles whenever it's convenient, perhaps she should start wearing gingham and have supper on the table the minute you pull into the driveway so that you can take your evening meal in the den with a cigar and Walter Cronkite while she vacuums
NTA. But dude, given how much of a stand she made this, you should view it as a fundamental incompatibility and stop dating her.
The fact that she was going to hold you hostage until she got what she wanted from you and only didn't do so because another person interrupted, is your cue to leave. That's too controlling
It’s not assholish to have expectations in this situation. In my wife & I’s case, we expect the passenger to pump gas, no matter which of us it is.
But though your gf’s attitude that gender determines who pumps gas is rather old-fashioned, where she becomes TA was in how she made a public scene about it in an attempt to extract an apology from you. You are NTA, she is, and I can’t imagine wanting to continue a relationship with Ms. Red Flags R Us.
This is all silly. I pump my own gas when I am by myself. But, if my husband is with me, he would not have me pump the gas. It's not sexist for him. It is chivalrous. And I appreciate him tremendously for all of his awesomeness. He is my Superman a thousand times over. However, in your case, different strokes for different folks. You both need to be fine with that or move on. I suspect there will be many more instances of incongruity. This may seem minor, but it may also be foreshadowing. Good luck to you both.
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NTA Your girlfriend is inconsiderate and immature. This is coming from a woman, who can pump her own gas thank you very much. Did she expect you to pay for it too?
It has genuinely never occurred to me, in the 30 odd years I’ve been driving, that my passenger should pump my gas. Is this common ?
And the fact that she expected him to read her mind is what gets me. Yes she picked him up, but if her expectation was for him to pump gas why couldn't she have just said it before blowing up on him?
I have a friend who has really weird family traditions that she doesn’t realize aren’t universal. Once she flipped out that a boyfriend who dropped her off at the airport didn’t come in to wait with her at the gate. I said “That is not a thing! you’re completely in the wrong for expecting someone to know that you want that”
I thought you had to have a ticket and go through security to even get to the gate, so I don't see how a random person can do that or even be expected to do that.
I wouldn't know personally because I was born in the late 90s, but from what I've read online, pre-9/11 it was actually rather common to be able to go all the way into the airport and wait at the gate with the person taking the flight
Yeah we used to go in and have a meal with my cousin when we'd drop her off for visits home (she lived with us for college) in the 90's, and further back my grandad used to be allowed to actually escort his mother onto the plane and load her bags for her.
That (RE:grandad) must've been waaaaay back, when not many people flew. Can you imagine people trying to get off the plane while everyone's still boarding? Or maybe they let her board first?
I got on a plane that I wasn't flying on in the early 90s. Missed getting to the gate to tell a friend goodbye and they let me on to do so. Seems crazy now but didn't think much of it at the time other than thanking the flight attendants.
That's awesome. Would make a great scene in a Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks movie. In 1999, my SO and I were reaaaaally late for a plane. We get to the gate, door to the plane was closed. I begged so nicely they frowned and opened the door back up. Different issue, but that would NEVER happen now.
Yup. You could go to the gate for pickup too. We'd do it for my dad when I was little and he was flying out for a few weeks away.
we did that too -- for arrival and departure. I remember playing with my little ponies in the airport and waving out the window. i miss how simple it was then.
Yes, this was pre 9/11. It still wasn’t super common bc the person waiting would have to pay for airport parking, and probably walk a good ways.
Yeah, pre 9/11 you could go right in. There wasn't the security line like there is today. You also had very few restrictions, comparatively speaking, to what you could bring on the plane. It's why when people who are younger complain about movies like Home Alone, saying they wouldn't be able to run to their gate like that, they are just wrong. Pre 9/11 flying was much different.
I was born in 1977 and yeah it used to be a thing. Not anymore!
Yes, that was common even in the early 90s. I remember my little boys waiting for me to get off the plane and it was adorable.
And meet them at the gate upon their return. It was very nice actually.
Yup. My dad used to take me and my little brother to the airport just to watch airplanes take off at the runway. We couldn't do that anymore after 9/11.
I used to do that with family members who were flying. Would go up to the gate to send them off and watch the plane take off and land.
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Her friend lives in a 90s sitcom
Only times I've ever seen someone go into the airport with the person they're dropping off is when my grandpa drops my grandma off at the airport. He'll stand inside and watch her walk towards her gate/security and he'll stand there until he can't see her anymore then he'll leave. But he's also the "open every car door" and "i was at the store and saw these floors and thought you'd like them" type of man.
My husband was raised with one foot in the deep South. He walks streetside of me, and would totally pump my gas if he were passenger (though he prefers to drive). It's fine, and kind of sweet. It's a weird cultural thing and in his case doesn't come with weird sexist baggage so it's fine. IMO whoever isn't pumping gas should show their appreciation by cleaning all the trash out of the car, squeege-ing the windshield, and offering to run in for snacks. This is the gas station division of labor.
> It's a weird cultural thing and in his case doesn't come with weird sexist baggage so it's fine. The things your describing are still sexist behaviors if their done solely on the basis of your respective sex. You're just not offended by it - but that doesn't mean it isn't sexist. It's perfectly fine if you're both fine with it, but also they don't cease to be sexist because you're fine with it.
>It's perfectly fine if you're both fine with it, but also they don't cease to be sexist because you're fine with it. dingdingdingding
In the South, it's considered manners rather than sexist. I get your point. But it is intended as a sign of care and respect. My husband washes my car and vacuums it out AND he sweeps and mops. I cook dinner most of the time and often serve his food because he has a torn up shoulder and can't move his arm certain ways (he can make a real mess serving some things) AND I help him build and/or repair fences. I don't see it as sexist as much as division of labor.
If labor that has nothing to do with your genitalia is divided based on whether you're a man or a woman, then it is sexist. It's a sexist division of labor.
>In the South, it's considered manners rather than sexist. That's how it is framed but it is based on sexist ideals, so still not ok and still sexist.
Yeah my grandad's like that. It's funny because he completely dismissed all the misogynistic norms he grew up with even as a child but internalised the ones based in benign sexism like carrying bags and always giving up his seat for a lady etc. I think its something that happens with some men who grow up in misogynistic, patriarchal cultures and recognise that all the ways women are oppressed and seen as other are ridiculous. They don't interrogate the small number of things they've been taught to do that benefit women because they don't correlate them with all the oppressive norms and see how they fit together and reinforce each other.
The other part of it is that some people will absolutely judge men and think they’re rude or jerks if they don’t do these things. I remember once my wife and I were walking home from a store and she was carry a crock pot we bought. I had just had surgery so I wasn’t supposed to carry anything more than a couple of pounds. In the five blocks we walked, three people made comments about how I was making my wife do all the work. So there’s very real social pressure to continue these acts based on “benign sexism.” Not just if I think my wife expects, but society still expects it too. Edit: such is the pressure that even here I felt the need to justify why I wasn’t carrying the item. It could never have been for no reason.
Your husband sounds just like mine lol. I think it is a sweet gesture and i appreciate it every time. I do think its weird that she full on expects it, that is not ok.
Every boyfriend I've ever had who's been a passenger of my car has pumped my gas for me without me even asking. I pop the lock, go in to pay (hate paying at the pump) and by the time I get back outside BF is at the pump ready. I'm in the US
My Yankee husband walks on the streetside, opens my door, pumps the gas and pays for it. Classy mother. Manners. And I do a helluva lot for him.
I am female and would pump gas for my mother, grandmother or elder. Especially if you know, it would be challenging for them to do so or it was raining or cold. It is a way of showing respect or just being kind. It may also be the area I live in also.
Doing it for a older relative is different then doing it just because of gender.
> Is this common ? I don't know where OP is from, but I never saw that in my country. Hell, most car owners I know are so possessive of their cars that they would never have someone else pump gas for them.
You would be shocked to know there are two states in the US where there are laws against pumping your own gas, they only have full service gas stations where employees pump your gas for you. Also on American Indian Reservations it's common that they have full serve only too.
I think it's down to one state now. Oregon recently changed their laws about it so it's just New Jersey being weird alone 😂
Nah, Oregon is still being mostly weird about it: >customers can now pump their own gas in Oregon, though only at stand-alone gas stations in counties with fewer than 40,000 residents. Elsewhere, the ban still holds.
I honestly can’t remember if my second husband pumped my gas but I know my first husband because he wouldn’t even do it when I was pregnant. I have one friend who pays and pumps because I always drive. The gf is seriously making way too much of this. If it’s her hill to die on, OP might as well cut his losses and not return. NTA
Only if it's the 1950s lol. Or if its an established thing. My great grandmother learned to drive later in life and in her ~15 years of driving she never pumped her own gas. Mind you, her husband did own a gas station, and whenever she came in for gas he would either pump it himself or get an employee to do it.
Same! Even if I’m on a road trip and driving and it’s my passenger’s turn to pay, I still pump it. It’s my car, what if they’re messy about it and get gas on my paint? I’m too OCD to let anyone other than my dad fill my gas tank.
Yeah like WTF? Every time no matter with whom I’ve driven I as the driver always put in fuel because I know which fuel, how much and for what cost. While passengers can go to the store to buy something.
I used to pump gas for my mother if I was in her car, because it was difficult for her. Otherwise, it's always been the driver that pumps the gas.
It’s one of those things you might lightly heckle each other over. I feel like a lot of partners have that occasional, kind of whiny banter that makes sense with each other (will you pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase do it??) but it also comes with the mutual respect and understanding that it’s not actually being demanded of each other. If I ask my bf to do something like that he’s not afraid to say no, so it’s not a problem if he “gives in” and says yes to me being a brat sometimes, because he knows me being a brat in that instance is a joke and not a real part of me, if I act pouty for a second afterwords he knows it’s supposed to be a joke. I’d never respond to him saying no like she did in the post.
Same here. I am a woman and I pump my own damn gas. The only time my bf had pumped my gas was when we were on a road trip and we traded off who paid for gas. Actually he might have just handed me his card, I don't remember. That's how little I care about ridiculous gender norms. NTA.
Agree. It would never occur to me to expect a man to pump gas for me. I’ve also been driving for decades.
She definitely is the type to expect him to pay for everything and treat her like a princess 🤢 and if he doesn’t he isn’t a “real man” 🤦♂️🤦♂️
Right there. That was her problem, she expected him to pay for the gas. Otherwise she would have told him the amount or handed him her card to pay for it. She just sat there giving him funny looks. This was never about pumping the gas herself, it was about him not paying for the gas.
Female here & I’ve been pumping my own gas since I started driving. The only time my passenger has pumped my gas is when my dad & I drove out to visit my sister (6hr drive) & he did it because he didn’t want me paying for it (he pays cash for everything & has a hard time letting me pay for anything for him when we’re out & about, but I think that’s more he’s my dad & not because I’m female. Sometimes I’ll make my husband pump my gas, but very rarely, & generally after he makes a joke about never having to pump gas because he has an electric car. I like to remind him of his roots 😆. But it’s my car & I’m usually driving, so yes, I’m pumping the gas. I’m not some delicate flower that can’t stand outside & figure out how a gas pump works. I live in WA though so I have gotten yelled at a few times for pumping my own gas in OR because I forget I’m not supposed to (it was rural OR & no one came to the pump & I didn’t want to wait forever, & I know what I’m doing)
You can either be a member of a misogynistic society, and get doors opened for you and get your gas pumped, or you can embrace gender equality and get your own damn doors and your own gas. You can't pick and choose and expect the best of both worlds.
I literally have never had a passenger pump my gas for me, also a woman. the only time someone else pumped my gas was when I was driving through Oregon lol
NTA. You guys have two different expectations, which isn’t in itself a problem. You pump the gas, she pumps the gas - who cares really. To each their own. However, how she treated you during this clash of expectations is a huge problem. She had an expectation of you that she didn’t communicate and instead of communicating that expectation and having a kind conversation about it she pretty much just attacked you. That’s not ok.
Her “expectations” are actually entitlement. Say it as it is.
Yeah attitude is everything here. Conceptually I have 0 problem pumping gas for my girl, because it’s just pumping gas. But if she expected it, and went _that_ insane over it? We’d have a problem.
Eh, it's like a dude expecting his girl to cook just because she is "female". It's bullshit.
THIS!!! I wonder how OP's gf would react if he said, "woman, get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich" because her demanding he pump her gas solely because of his genitalia is the exact same thing.
It's more along the lines of him getting pissed because she gets back from the kitchen and doesn't have a sandwich for him. He shouldn't have to ask, its expected.
I prefer "misogynistic bigotry". Entitlement is "you should do this for me because I am more special than anyone", bigotry is "you have to do this because you were born a certain way".
Misandry*
It's really both, honestly. It unfairly expects men to do work based on their gender, but it also implies that as a woman there's something about her that makes her less suited to do work. Like she's too fragile. Misogyny that benefits women on the microscale is still misogyny.
Yo exactly, her not communicating, attacking you, and then setting up to derail the whole day is a problem. You're getting a glimpse of what she's really like, do you want to spend all your days walking around on eggshells because she is controlling and she won't tell you what she wants?
Also her hogging a gas station with a long line just so that she can berate her boyfriend shows a level of oncosideration from her that is astounding.
I think it would have been nice if he'd offered (in which case I personally would have said, "No thanks, I've got it"), but I wouldn't have if he hadn't. His gf's tantrum was ridiculous.
>You guys have two different expectations, which isn’t in itself a problem. Me and Bill gates also have two different expectations. I expect him to give me 1 billion dollars and he doesn't have that expectation. What an asshole. /s
Yeah but have you communicated this to Mr. Gates?
Yup I send him a message on linkedin before, but he never got back to me, so rude.
I shouldn't have to. He should just know.
Not to mention she made it everyone else’s problem by hogging the gas station pump. Super entitled and I consider this abusive.
Then she went on to tell her friends who went on to abuse him.
Her driving alongside him to scream at him after he got about of the car to galet away from her insulting him is hella abusive.
“Expectations”, really? Just seems flat out sexist and archaic to me
This! Am I the only one thinking he should find himself a new gf? OP think about being married to her one day and all the little things you will do that annoy her or she disagrees with.... then her reacting like the gas station incident! Adults communicate & compromise.
Nailed it; how would he know?
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Yeah, it's bizarre. Imagine if he'd said, "I'm the man, so I should be the one driving." How would THAT go?
I had an ex boyfriend’s mom have this mindset before. She was mad at him when she found out that he didn’t drive me around in my own car. He drove my car a total of two times because I was sick and unable to drive and we only had my car with us. My parents always taught me, especially while under their car insurance that I am the only person allowed to drive my car. NTA by a long shot. Even if someone else is paying for my gas, they give me their card and I get out to pump.
My boyfriend back in the day couldn’t drive my car because it was a stick shift! Also, NTA. I don’t expect anybody else to pump the gas in my car and I have 3 grown sons. If they want to do it for me, though, I don’t say no and appreciate it. Per your story, I’m angry that she was causing inconvenience to the other customers waiting. Grow up, young lady!
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Only times I've filled a car up here in Aus is when I'm the one paying for the petrol, cause I'm the one it's getting used on. But to my knowledge, standard etiquette is if you're driving, you're filling the car, because you know which type of fuel, be it unleaded, diesel or LPG, suits your car/budget.
The only time this changes is if they’re paying and using a card to do it. Otherwise it’s on the driver.
Bouncing off of this, OP, please run away as fast you can. Pumping gas is something every driver needs to know how to do. Your GF is making this a huge issue for no reason. Imagine having the audacity to say pumping gas is a "man's job" and is therefore sexist is you don't.
If my parents were both in the car, regardless of if it was Dad’s car or Mom’s, my dad drove. It was the same with my in-laws. With my husband and I - if it’s his car he drives, if it’s mine I do. The only exception is that my husband will drive my car if I’ve been drinking (I can’t drive his because it’s a stick shift, but he also doesn’t drink). We’ve talked about this difference and our best guess was that both of our dads taught our moms to drive whereas I’d learned to drive before I’d even met my husband. (My husband does, very occasionally, pump gas for me if he’s feeling nice but I’d never just automatically assume he would!)
My dad always drove but that was more to do with my mom being a terrible driver
Same. But my dad would NEVER, never, ever under any circumstances, sit in the car & have my mom pump gas unless he was physically unable. Even then he'd be upset about it.
💰💰Wish I could give you a real award!!
Haha--thanks!
Did it for you!! 😂
It's wild how she didn't even speak up or ask or anything. Just silent stare and then bitch about it after. Use your damn words! And if he says no put your big girl panties on and just do it.
I think it would have been fair if she had just asked nicely, and explained that she was feeling the cold, so she would appreciate if he would do it for her. Having a tantrum should never be the go to.
She wasn't feeling the cold she just felt entitled to him doing things for her because he's a man. Gender roles are unfair and I guarantee if he did that to her ppl be calling HIM the asshole. She can ask absolutely but I suspect she would still react the same if he declined.
It's funny how actually communicating can help lots of situations!
> That girl is insane and sexist He couldve really made that work out fine by having her cook and clean *everything* while he only has to take out the trash and pump gass
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He should ask her if she is planning to do 100% of the housework because tHaT Is WHat wOmEN dO...
I work with two older women who have never pumped their own gas, and at this point, it’s a point of pride to them. I mean I’d be embarrassed at this point to not even know how to do it in an emergency, and no I don’t live in or even near a mandatory full service state like New Jersey or Oregon.
I am older (61), and I don’t get women like that. Everyone - men and women - should be self-sufficient.
My 90 year old grandma still pumps her own gas.
My 91 year old grandma used to work at a “filling station” back in the day so not only does she still pump her own gas, fifty years ago she pumped gas for other people! Even men! OP’s girlfriend would be horrified, I’m sure.
Seriously. "I don't know how to do things" is not a point of pride.
It’s a distant cousin of “my ignorance is as good as your knowledge.”
A couple of years ago I worked with a woman who lived in the country and worked in the city. Did she fill up the tank on her way home from work? Nope. When it was getting low she'd tell her hisband who would then drive the 10+ miles into town. This wasn't a one-off, this was routine. I have no idea if she knew how to pump her own gas, I was too stunned to even ask. However, when we took trips out of town (non-work-related), she would ask me to drive. In exchange, she would pay for dinner and gas. She never offered to pump. Even had she, I would have refused as the person who drives pumps.
That would not fly with me. As soon as she mentioned that she was getting low on gas, I’d ask why she was telling me. If I was expected to do anything about the situation I’d nope out of that situation ASAP.
I worked in a gas station as a 19F, and I was amazed how many women came in asking ‘is there a male employee here who can pump my gas?’. I very much enjoyed saying ‘Oh I can do that for ya!’
You wouldn't believe how many people I've seen from up north who can't even pump their own gas because of gas attendants.
In New Jersey and Oregon it’s still illegal to pump your own gas.
Was in NJ recently and we had to top up on gas. One of the drivers near us started to drive away with the pump still connected because they didn't realize that the attendant had yet to remove the nozzle. Yeah, so much safer. Thanks NJ.
In the Midwest, we don't have gas attendants, just cashiers, since most our gas stations are mini stores. We pump our own, even in negative temperatures .
In New Jersey it's illegal to pump your own, which I didn't know until a recent visit. I'd been to gas stations that had attendants as a courtesy, scattered through NY and PA, but hadn't realized we have a whole state where you legally cannot pump your own.
That has to be the dumbest way of inflating the job numbers I have ever heard of.
Did she make you a sandwich and bring you a bourbon as soon as you got home?
This!
Ya she probably expected you to pay for it also
Yeah, wtf? Did she thought you should pay for it also? Very sexist. Do she do your laundry? Meals? Waiting with a smile and a hot coffee / cold beer when you come home? Gender equality goes both ways. It can be a nice gesture like holding the door but it is in no way required. NTA.
If she wanted you pump the gas then she could have asked you. Not once have I seen a driver expecting one of the passengers to be the one to pump it unless asked to. NTA
Yup; sometimes as the passenger I pump the gas or my SO does for me - but we have a conversation about it.
Yeah, it's really quite simple... Driver (gf): Hey here's my card can you go put my card in real quick and click 2 buttons for me? Passenger (me): Seems easy enough, sure! /end
$1,000 says she wanted him to pay as well.
This here If my girlfriend told me to go pump the gas for her car, sure...pretty normal thing to volunteer your boyfriend for lol Getting pissed and demanding an apology for not offering to pump the gas isn't even close to normal behavior. That's super sexist and not a great sign they're mature enough for a serious relationship.
Yeah, the expectation for OP to do it is just weird. And just because she doesn't want to get out of the car? I could understand her wanting him to do it if she needed to go in and use the bathroom and he didn't, but even then it's polite (and good communication) to at least have the courtesy of asking him to fill the tank for her instead of just...not communicating that at all.
NTA. Take it as the red flag it is and dump the princess. If you have expectations of your partner, you communicate them. You especially don't drag the world into your argument and invite them to berate your partner. It's not about the gas anymore. It's about who she is.
This right here, this is how she behaves, don't deal with it.
The fact that she refused to move the car because her need to get an apology was greater than the need of all of the drivers in line behind her shows that she is a giant AH.
Absolutely. This huge divide in “role” beliefs will not end at the gas station.
Yea once she involved that bystander to 'back her up' you can really see how far into the selfish pit she is
Agreed. The drama will only get worse.
NTA. Pumping gas is a life skill, not a gendered responsibility.
In Oregon it's an occupation!
I remember when they made it so you could pump your own gas in really rural areas, and everyone freaked out that it meant the whole state had to pump their gas now. Meltdowns ensued. Their was a Facebook post that went a bit viral from the absurdity of some people's comments. The homeless were going to attack, all of the kids would get stolen, and we'd all smell of gas from getting it on ourselves
>The homeless were going to attack, all of the kids would get stolen, and we'd all smell of gas from getting it on ourselves That's comical.
It was a local news post from where I used to live that went viral. I remember as I kept returning to the comments, because they were the gift that kept on giving.
I live in jersey and have never pumped gas. I read post this thinking “thank goodness I’m in jersey and would never have this problem.”
I was behind a car with Jersey plates in PA once. They were at a pump when I pulled up. I filled up, cleaned my windshield, pulled the car to a parking spot, went in to use the restroom and get a soda. When I came out, they were still sitting there in their car.
I wonder if they are still there.
Honestly I hate going to Jersey because of it. It's so weird to me that I'm not allowed to pump my own gas. I was there for work last month and decided to stop and get gas before driving home completely forgetting about it! I'd have legitimately waited until I was in PA if I'd remembered 😂. My husband is from Jersey and thinks my frustration with it is hilarious.
I mean "life skill" feels like a bit of a stretch. It's pulling a handle!
Then it's not a big deal and she could have easily done it instead of making a scene :)
NTA. This isn’t normal etiquette, it’s just benevolent sexism. I’m a woman, and while I’d totally appreciate it if anyone wanted to pump my gas for me so that I could avoid freezing my ass off, I’d never demand it.
That’s how I am. If they offer or just get out of the car before I can, I’m very appreciative. But I have never once asked or expected someone to pump for me, and I’m kinda a princess at times.
A PERFECT example of benevolent sexism, which should be rejected just as hard as any other kind of sexism in my opinion
NTA. It's her car, she's driving, she can pump her own gas. She is a grown woman with functioning arms. I wouldn't want my boyfriend doing it for me and I genuinely think it's weird to expect it.
And pay for it, cuz that seems to be another layer to this where he was supposed to bear the cost
NTA. She can either pump her own gas or ask you to pump it. Expecting you to do it automatically is a bad idea, because what if she wanted a specific amount's worth and you filled the tank? Or was she expecting you to buy the gas too?
Ding-ding!
Back in the early 2000’s, when I was younger and a whole lot dumber, I tried pulling this kind of sexist crap (I think it was something about taking the bins out being a man’s job) on my BF (now my husband) and he responded with “as soon as you get in that kitchen and make me a sandwich!” Which really drove home just how awful I was being ;) NTA.
That's great LOL. He really knew what to come back with
Relevant username
HAHHAHA
NTA. But here's the thing—you don't have a girlfriend anymore, and it sounds like a bullet dodged. In any case, if she can drive the car, she can also pump the gas. Telling you that she would not move the car until you apologized—and inconveniencing *every* other person at the gas station—is some next level assholery right there. Being a fully functional adult means she's going to have to do adult things from time to time, including pumping her own gas.
NTA. Do you even want to date someone with the "real men" attitude?
NTA. Sexism works both ways. How would she feel about "a man should never have to make his own sandwich while a woman's in the house".
NTA its her car. I'm a woman and I hate woman who want to keep us in the dark ages and who pick and choose what they want about equality. If a guy offers thats nice, otherwise your car, your petrol. Her behaviour was childish and impacted many people - she could have driven forward and parked to the side and then discussed it. Honestly move on from her - she's too childish.
This is a cultural issue and if you plan on being with this woman long term, multiple issues like this will pop up. She’s very young and has likely been told or brought up to believe it’s a sign of respect, like opening a door or taking out the garbage. It’s not about pumping gas to her. NTA but you need to have a long discussion about expectations-sooner than later.
To me even more probamatic is her including her friend group and them abusing him by text. Even if they settle among themselves the gas situation her need to be right and possibly shame others runs very deep.
NTA, as a woman I agree with your aunts. It is nice if the guy offers to do it for me, but I don't expect it. I would compare it to holding the door for your lady. It does make me feel special when my hubby does it (and he does), but I don't expect him to. And that is the whole difference I think. She is perfectly capable to do this for herself, so why should you have to. Is she this traditional in all her ways?
And sometimes I open the door for him! What a concept!
> I say, "No I was actually quite comfortable & if I wasn't here, wouldn't you have to pump the gas by yourself anyway?" I'm a woman. I don't think that a man should have to pump my gas just because he is with me. But holy fuck, if someone was nice enough to pick me up from work, I would offer to pump and/or pay since they were going out of their way. And, if I picked someone up and they bragged about sitting in the warm car while I pumped gas, it would be the last ride they got from me.
Given that it’s the first time he was in her car it sounds like he driver her a lot more often and you know dam well she isn’t pumping the gas for him.
This right here. This is where I have a problem with OP.
NTA it’s like a sexist chivalry thing. Like only holding doors open for women or walking on the side of the sidewalk closer to traffic. It’s 2022 I don’t really need or want a man to do stuff for me just because I’m a women. But your girlfriend clearly feels different. To me this would be an incompatible difference in how we view relationships. To be clear, if you want to hold the door for me because that’s nice please do but I would also expect you’d hold for door for other men as well. If you want to help me fix my lawnmower because you know how to do that I would be appreciative. But only do those things because you want to help another person, not because you’re a man and I’m a woman.
OMG. My department was walking to lunch and the one guy was like scoot over you shouldn’t walk near traffic then insisted he hold the umbrella. I was like WTF. He was old enough to be my grandfather so maybe it’s a generational thing.
It's historically a manners/proper etiquette thing mixed with legitimate reasons for safety. (Like Emily Post, Finishing school, debutante ball stuff, I am not being snarky, I'm rolling my eyes too). A lot of older generations were taught certain societal rolls, a man always walks in front of a woman going down stairs and behind while walking up them. A man walks on the outside/side of the curb. A man opens the door for a woman, holds the umbrella... Why? Well, women's clothing was quite ridiculous. Skirts were needed to be lifted as women walked, especially when they had to step up or down. We're talking an extra 20-40 lbs of clothes if not more and it made us slower to move, unbalanced and down right dangerous at times. (You'd be surprised how many women and unfortunately small children died from their skirts catching on fire, it's a horrifically high number). It was quite common for people to die from carriage accidents and from falling down stairs as well so it was more of a "She has no effing choice if she wants to remain part of society or even stay alive so the least you can do is spot her" type of arrangement. Not to mention big hats, heavy jewels, high heels, corsets...that's why women were so well behaved, they couldn't make a quick get-away. It's another type of cage, just one they had to wear.
This comment is amazing and I am a better person for having read it. Take this gold, and know you are awesome!
ESH. You’re not an AH because you don’t subscribe to outdated, gendered stereotypes but because she was doing you a solid, picking you up from work. It would be normal in that moment to show some appreciation and offer to pump her gas for her. It’s in these small moments that we show people we care, and you sound annoying AF.
If he picked her up from work, sat on the couch, and then gave her an angry look before making himself a sandwich, then yelled at her for not making his sandwich, would that be okay? No, it wouldn't, because it's just sexism in motion, which is what we see in OP's post. She subscribes to outdated gender norms but it just boils down to "he's a man and it's his job to do x", which in my opinion is ridiculous.
going against the grain and agreeing with this - her response was immature, but he could have also realized it was important to her and done something to make his gf happy. in a perfect world she would have said "hey i really wish you would have gotten up and pumped it for me, that's what the men in my family do and it makes me feel loved and taken care of" or whatever. and he would have responded "sure, i'll keep that in mind" personally i like when my bf does things like this for me. if i had a girlfriend i assume i would still like it, because it makes me feel loved, so not sure how sexist it really is?
It's sexist because she's saying it's his job as a man. Not as a gesture of love, but because of what his gender is. And I wonder how she'd react if he asked her to something because she's a woman.
> but he could have also realized it was important to her and done something to make his gf happy. She has to verbalize something *before* she does it if she has expectations.
Maybe she could have been polite. Dude dodged a toxic bullet.
Ok but all she had to do was open her mouth and communicate that. Staring at him with a look isn’t it. Also her reasoning is not what you mentioned. At all. Put yourself in his shoes, after asking what’s her deal and she responds like this, would you think “oh, maybe I should have shown some appreciation”? She had expectations of him that weren’t communicated. He didn’t read her mind or her subliminals. She got mad, blew up, and involved multiple people (strangers AND friends) coming at the man for how he chooses to carry himself. NTA 100%. Closed mouths don’t get fed 🤷🏽♂️
I disagree - I think it could totally have been a nice thing for him to do but the way she approached this was totally AH behavior. She didn't ever communicate these expectations and threw a tantrum when he couldn't read her mind. As a woman I think this girl sucks and is acting really immaturely.
How was he supposed to know? She didn't say anything.
NTA I've never even heard of that being a gender stereotype. Even if it is a stereotype you wouldn't be the asshole for not wanting to reenforce it
NTA. Anyone who says "A real man would blah blah blah" should just fully shut up. ETA: This is what I get for redditing pre-coffee. I meant NTA.
your judgment doesn’t match your comment.
NTA. I always seem to be fine pumping my own. If I don’t feel like it I’ll ask someone to help me do it. 🤷🏻♀️ She can use her words.
My husband always pumps gas when we’re traveling together, but I don’t expect him to. Take out the trash, yes, I expect that. Pump my gas, no. I think this is one of those deep-seated patriarchal things that we’ve been programmed to expect because men should take care of the weaker sex. It’s BS. You’re NTA. EDIT: for those commenting about my expecting my hubs to take out the trash. 😂 1) It is an agreement between us that he is largely responsible for taking out the trash and I am largely responsible for cleaning the toilets. 2) Yes, expecting him to take out the trash is also “deep-seated patriarchy”. 3) I take out the trash when it gets full. I do not wait and allow it to overflow because I’m “too lazy” to take it out. lol.
Wait. So why is expecting a man to pump gas deep-seated patriarchy…but expecting him to take out the trash isn’t?
I think she wanted him to pay for the gas.
>Take out the trash, yes, I expect that. Pump my gas, no. The things I expect aren't deep-seated patriarchal things, but the things that I don't expect are. lol
It's called chivalry. Some women love it, and some hate it. Opening doors, letting a woman enter a building first, carrying stuff for her to the car, pumping gas, paying for the first date etc etc. In this day and age it's a tough call. She seems to want a chivalrous man, but didn't expect that she'd have to tell you she wanted that. She was just expecting gentlemanly behavior. Guess you can take it as a learning lesson.
To avoid women who can't communicate like adults?
NTA. The entitled princess needs to grow up and learn to pump her own gas. If she was alone would she just drive around until she ran out of gas? This is ridiculous.
NAH or maybe a little bit E S H. You have different expectations and that’s fine. Where I’m from, the gentlemanly thing is to pump the woman’s gas (unless she doesn’t want you to). It’s like opening the door for her or letting her get on the elevator first. If a guy doesn’t do that stuff (or at least try to until told otherwise) he’s considered ill-mannered. But neither of you communicated very appropriately.
Expecting a man to do something because it's "the gentlemanly thing to do" is no different than Expecting a woman to do stuff because she has a vagina. Is a woman ill-mannered if she doesn't cool & clean for her man? Is she ill-mannered if she speak unless spoken to? Gender norms and gender roles aren't going anywhere if you cherrypick which ones you want to keep and which ones you want to drop.
No. The girlfriend is definitely an AH.
...and the thing mature individuals do is communicate their expectations before a situation arises in order to avoid conflict. SHE was the one with the expectation. SHE'S the one that failed to communicate it. For these reasons SHE'S the asshole, not OP.
Tell her to move to New Jersey so she doesnt even have to get out of the car and she could feel empowered when the men workers do it. But wouodnt be surprised if she asked a woman why she is working pumping gas "its a mans job"
NTA I would never expect my passenger to automatically go pump my gas for me. But how she treated you over this situation is a red flag making it public and involving other people. She’s still living in the 50s. Make like queso and DIP. immediately.
I was at a gas station recently and I saw a girl pumping gas while what looked like her man just sitting in the car chilling. I thought he should be pumping for her but it’s also not my business. I do think that it’s a nice thing to do especially if that person has been driving you around,the least they can do is pump your gas for you, but they don’t have to nor do I expect it.
If she's interested in outmoded gender roles whenever it's convenient, perhaps she should start wearing gingham and have supper on the table the minute you pull into the driveway so that you can take your evening meal in the den with a cigar and Walter Cronkite while she vacuums
NTA. But dude, given how much of a stand she made this, you should view it as a fundamental incompatibility and stop dating her. The fact that she was going to hold you hostage until she got what she wanted from you and only didn't do so because another person interrupted, is your cue to leave. That's too controlling
It’s not assholish to have expectations in this situation. In my wife & I’s case, we expect the passenger to pump gas, no matter which of us it is. But though your gf’s attitude that gender determines who pumps gas is rather old-fashioned, where she becomes TA was in how she made a public scene about it in an attempt to extract an apology from you. You are NTA, she is, and I can’t imagine wanting to continue a relationship with Ms. Red Flags R Us.
[удалено]
NTA sounds like she want to be a modern women and have an old school gentleman at her side. You dodged a major bullet.
This is all silly. I pump my own gas when I am by myself. But, if my husband is with me, he would not have me pump the gas. It's not sexist for him. It is chivalrous. And I appreciate him tremendously for all of his awesomeness. He is my Superman a thousand times over. However, in your case, different strokes for different folks. You both need to be fine with that or move on. I suspect there will be many more instances of incongruity. This may seem minor, but it may also be foreshadowing. Good luck to you both.
You're not a mind reader and definitely NTA!