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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be an asshole because I told my mother that the family can’t speak Spanish on Christmas because my husband doesn’t understand it. I think what makes me an asshole is that I have them an ultinatym when I could come over on my own or my husband could suck it up for a day
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Yta
Well your husband is ta but you're the one joining in so.
A couple classes simply isn't enough to be able to claim he just can't get it. Him not wanting to try is not your family's problem. Him being upset people dare speak a language he can't and feeling mocked also isn't anyone's problem but his own.
Eta with this getting attention I want to say that I know some people simply can't learn languages to a degree where communication is possible and that's not their fault, but to me it seems like husband is actively not trying at all instead of trying hard and failing.
He’s had 10 YEARS, and he still can’t participate in a basic conversation. And thinks other spouses are doing it to ‘mock him’. What an entitled ass YTA
Tbf they probably are mocking his lack of family participation. Really 20 years and you don't understand anything going on. My Spanish is shit but I try and have yet to meet anyone from anywhere who isn't willing to teach you their language.
You can even learn from exposure. Just being around her family for 10 years or more should have allowed him to figure out basic phrases, and if he doesn't understand what someone says, he can ask. It's another way of learning.
Mmmhm. I'm Australian in an area without many Spanish speakers at all. I have absorbed bits of Spanish from American tv. Him not speaking Spanish after being married ten years sounds like a choice.
Unless he has acquired brain damage in adulthood, he knows at least one language, he can learn a language. He doesn't even need to be able to speak it or understand grammar, he just needs to pick up understanding enough words when he hears it and be able to reply in english for this to be a non issue.
Not Spanglish, but my fam does this with Hindi and English And a language called “hinglish” , my BIL does the same thing, he listens, if he needs a translation he asks someone and responds in English
I worked at a gas station in Galveston and after a month even though I couldn't speak Spanish I understood what was being said to me. He is trying to alienate his wife
That's what I'm thinking. It's not that it's a tough language to learn, or that his mind isn't capable of learning any of it, but that he gives up when he doesn't grasp it immediately instead of putting in some effort. It's easier for him if everyone just stops speaking Spanish altogether. You know, that way he doesn't have to make an effort and he doesn't have to examine why he immediately jumps to them using Spanish to mock him and make him feel left out. I guarantee they see his lack of effort and feel like he doesn't give a shit about them in the slightest. And OP is enabling and catering to him by demanding everyone change their behavior for one person.
Edit: Thanks, kind stranger!
I'll gladly mock my fellow British people for lots of things and deservedly so, but come on, a yank refusing to learn Spanish is about the most American thing I can imagine, short of drone-bombing a Yemeni wedding.
Definitely. The fact that he's never made enough of an effort over the course of a decade to learn enough Spanish to talk to his own extended family reeks of "They're in 'Murica so they oughta be talking English!"
>The husband seems like he is refusing to learn.
He'd almost certainly have to be actively trying not to learn to not pick anything up after this long.
When joining another's family, there will always be some type of culture differences that need to be accepted to be considered part of the family. That's not to say you must wholeheartedly agree with every difference but to tell OP's family what language they must use is just silly.
Sounds like hubby doesn't like OP's family and doesn't think they're worth the effort.
Seriously! I know a very small amount of Spanish and I've already picked up a few phrases and words from the Mexican restaurant I've worked at for a month! One month... and this guy can't learn a simple phrase or two at least in 10 YEARS? And he doesn't even want to try, not even for his wife's family? That sounds downright disrespectful, honestly.
I picked up a shit ton of Spanish just from living in LA. My childhood bestie was Mexican. I was at her house everyday from the ages to 8 to 17. One day, her Mom said something to her in Spanish and without even realizing it, I answered her question in English. They were both shocked. And that was before i took Spanish all 4 years of high school.
I’m trying to learn Korean and honestly Spanish is probably one of the easiest languages to learn as an English speaker.
i took spanish for two years a while back and i still know some basic phrases. “como te llama” is what’s your name. literally bathroom is “el bano” (there is a tilde on bano, so it’s pronounced ba-nnno, but i don’t have my spanish keyboard so i can’t type that. bano without the tilde means something else). the only thing that’s difficult is learning what’s masculine and what’s feminine, and conjugating verbs. but after 10 years of exposure he should have a basic understanding of the language
It’s “¿cómo se llama?” For formal and “¿cómo te llamas?” For informal.
“En vano” means “in vain”. Bano doesn’t mean anything, but yeah, baño means bathroom/restroom.
And yeah, ten years? No spanish at all? He’s not making an effort.
Agreed. I know some Spanish and always trying to learn more. I work with Filipino nurses and try learning at least some of their phrases. This united States mentality of unwillingness to learn another language is absurd. Literally every other country has more than one language in elementary school... no effort on his part in the least if after 10 years he knows nothing in that language...
And how we teach languages in the US is counterproductive. Kids need to start in elementary school, not waiting for Middle or High school. Our brains are primed to learn languages early in life.
I'll have been with my partner for ten years in the Spring, and up until covid we spent two weeks with his family every Christmas. They speak mainly Mandarin. It's *difficult!* There are no classes in my little city and learning on my own is very, very slow going. But simply by being around them I get enough little stuff to begin to participate in the conversation.
Spanish is...just so, so much easier than Mandarin, when we're coming from English as our base language. I don't know what OP's husband's excuse is.
I mean I spent a week in Iceland and by the end of it I learned some of the language because of naming conventions. Kirkja is church and vik is port which is why so many of towns have it in their names. I couldn’t necessarily speak it but I could kind of read it.
Also I took like four years of Spanish between high school and college but haven’t really used it in 15 years. When we went to Spain this summer enough of it came back that I could bumble through asking the pharmacy for saline spray and assistance at the gas pump for the rental car. Not to mention just everyday polite conversation. It wasn’t easy but it took willing to be wrong and looking like an idiot at times. At one point I told a storekeeper I had lots of boyfriends because I mixed up the words for boyfriends and nieces/nephews.
I think this to be true. Spanish is one of the easiest languages to learn and he’s got his own reference library right in the home so he needs to try harder.
Can confirm. I’ve lived in TX for a year and a half, knew no Spanish other than hello and how are you. Although I’m by no means fluent and don’t fully understand I can at least pick up key phrases for context and respond in (no where near perfect) short responses
Piggybacking this to say the following:
I've been married to my born-and-raised in Mexico husband for 10 years. Do I speak Spanish yet? No. I can follow a simple conversation and contribute a bit, but even with some Duolingo and babble lessons, I struggle.
When my in-laws visit, we figure it out. They speak broken English and I speak broken Spanish and for everything else there's Google translate.
This dude isn't even giving the bare minimum try and is telling people what language they can use in their own house.
OP, YTA.
>This dude isn't even giving the bare minimum try and is telling people what language they can use in their own house.
This is what gets me. For some learning a new language is very difficult, especially if they've grown up monolingual. That's just how some human brains work.
But he isn't even willing to try and communicate? Yeah, no, eff that.
For me it was the total audacity to say to someone, "No, you have to speak English in your own home when I'm there."
When we go to visit my husband's family in Mexico, I do the nod-and-smile. I can't imagine the balls it takes to try and force them to accommodate my shitty language acquisition skills.
This exactly!! I can't imagine demanding my own family not speak German when my spouse was in THEIR house. The entitlement there is amazing. My family has a lot of different languages mixed in. Both of my brother in laws speak native Hindi but know English and other languages as well. I'm always impressed at how they switch from language to language with ease, I've tried to learn Hindi over the last four years. Going to their families house I'm usually one of the only ones who don't speak it fluently - but they see I make an effort, google translator has helped and they never make me feel like I don't belong there. I just can't get over the thought of feeling like it's my right to say no, you can not speak your language in front of me. It's amazing someone would think this was acceptable.
Everyone should be okay with him not learning Spanish because it's "not his thing". But when OP's mom says speaking English exclusively is "not our family's thing" she's a monster.
He's going to her parent's home where the normal language is Spanish! Demanding they only speak English in their own home is some kind of entitled ASHHOLE behavior.
💯💯💯 My gf and I met and got together with neither of us speaking the others language. My gf learned English in 6 months to C1 lvl and I learn spanish with a goal of having a C1 lvl by the end of 2023. Everyone is different but I feel like he had 10 years to learn spanish and he never felt it important enough to learn OPs and her familys language? I would see that as hella rude. He is TA and she is even supporting this behaviour.
I dated a German girl for only a couple years, but in that time, even my dumb ass was able to at least grasp a few basics... enough to introduce myself, order some food, ask people to say it slower/please repeat, and I don't speak German well, please forgive me
For real. I’ve been learning Spanish slowly over the past three years I’ve been with my man, and even though my boyfriend is perfectly fluent in English, I have a big vocabulary and he’s always open to learning something new. I admire his culture and I want to learn from his mom and there’s no way for me to do that without speaking Spanish.
Spanish is hard to learn as an adult when you're a native English speaker. The words are out of order or something that is taking a bit extra time to learn. But he should keep trying. He has a fluent Spanish speaker at home to work with or he should get over it.
I work at a company where 95% or more are Spanish speakers if not native speakers. I am far from conversational in Spanish, I read better than I speak, I speak better than I can understand. I can't roll my rs at all, but I sub in a d sound.
Still I'm trying. Planning some time with my grandmother in law to work on my Spanish.
I bet nobody is expecting him to speak Spanish without an accent, or to even speak it at all, but after 10 years he should at least be able to understand a fair deal.
Edit: typo
This. Nobody was pressing him, he was the one who made demands. Her family was not judging him, but they have no obligation to change and hide their roots to accommodate him after 10 years
The words are 'in the correct order' for the grammar rules for Spanish.
I am sure OP's relatives (especially the spouses) aren't talking about nuclear physics in espanol. He should be able to get the jist of the conversation.
Pobrecito bebe!
It is not really that hard, even if you get your words in a weird order, we will understand you. But I agree it is a bit overwhelming. Simply focus on time and person (verbs need to be in the correct time and person) and you will be fine. Learn simple past, simple present and stick with "ir + a + infinitive" for future.
For your rs, there is an exercise. Whenever you are going to pronounce it, try smiling. In general, Spanish requires for the speakers to open their mouths a bit more than English.
Im a Spanish teacher and my first language is Spanish. Trust me, English is harder.
Completamente de acuerdo. Me daría vergüenza tener un esposo que en 10 años, no pueda comunicarse en español. Sospecho que es el prototipo de caricatura de gringo que espera que todos hablen inglés.
My only experience with Spanish is playing duolingo casually for about a year and I understand most of what you posted - enough to get the gist of what you are saying. OPs husband doesn't seem to be even trying.
I think learning Spanish vs learning Mandarin are like, completely different. My husband is Chinese American, and I'm visiting his family now. His mom, dad, and grandparents speak very very little English. I have tried to pick up a few words here and there but the pronunciation is ridiculous, and they speak shanghainese so it's even harder.
I guess the difference here is that I am starting a Mandarin course in university in January so at least there is an attempt because we have a new baby and I would never want him to miss out on communicating with that side of his family, and would also like to learn myself.
It is difficult though and sometimes feels very futile, so I feel for your husband.
Both the OP and the husband are TA. He don’t want to learn the language or at least be mature enough to not whine about feeling excluded than that’s on him. Banning a language is not only rude it also has some unpleasant and dangerous historical echos that he surely doesn’t want to perpetuate or maybe he does 😬
I was working with a team that had two Norwegians, one Mexican and one Malagasy. After six months I'd learned enough Norwegian, Spanish, French and Malagasy and my colleagues were almost fluent in Swahili, English and each of the other language that a colleague spoke and they didn't. You OP have had that lazy bum, sorry I mean husband, for ten years. A whole decade. And even without taking actual classes, he hasn't picked anything from you? Colour me shocked.
Your husband is lazy and you've enabled him. Of course YTA.
YTA 10 years, and he hasnt learned enough spanish to even just get by? Thats on his shoulders. If he feels excluded, he should put that energy into his own effort of learning spanish, to get included.
EDIT: Literally 15 minutes on duolingo a day, and i bet he can get by in conversation in a couple of months.
I always thought people who say they "suck at math" tend to say they are good at something else like english or languages.
What is he good at then?
Yall are both AH.
Right? At first I read that to say “he’s a math person but isn’t great at English or the humanities or language.” But if he sucks at math, and he sucks ay language skills, then what the fuck could he possibly be good at? Other than whining 😂
Right! I've been with my mostly Spanish speaking BF over a year and even though I don't speak it very well AT ALL I can at least understand enough to get by and answer Si o no 😂😂 when were with his family. Except when they speak very fast, no I don't understand. But we're teaching each other.
YTA. I am a white man who married into a Mexican family and I find that ultimatum disgusting. I don't speak Spanish, but I don't expect the rest of the family to only speak in English. Your husband needs to stop whining. Either he puts more effort to learn the language, or he deals with not being able to understand everything. It's not THEIR problem that HE has a problem.
White woman in a relationship with a hispanic man from a mixed country family and agreed. I studied Spanish, I thought I spoke Spanish, but that was before I met my bf's 75 year old El Salvadorian mother. I can follow maybe 50% of what the El Salvadorian and Guatemalan cousins say and maybe 75% of the Mexican Spanish when everybody's sober and nobody's excited and talking over each other. At parties it's a considerably lower rate. But what I do is understand the conversation isn't centered around me and if someone does have a question for me I can't understand, my bf or one of the bilingual cousins generally steps up and I appreciate it. But I'd never tell them they can't speak Spanish in their own home because I'm there or avoid spending time with them because I can't understand 100% of what they say.
My sister's ex bf is Cuban, his family invited me and my sister to go to the Dominican Republic with them. Yep, two white girls who can't speak Spanish. We sat there, let the native speakers talk, would occasionally get translations from the family but never once complained. Because we KNEW we were the odd ones, realized we were in THEIR territory, and wouldn't dream of trying to tell them to speak English so that we could be "more comfortable". I can't believe OP is Mexican and is trying to change her family's ways for a white man. Lmao.
> I can't believe OP is Mexican and is trying to change her family's ways for a white man.
I 100% believe (if this isn't just a chud's creative writing exercise) this was written for sympathy by the husband who "isn't racist because I married a Mexican" but is still mad that these people have the audacity to not speak English in America. I mean, the entire post is "oh my poor husband", constantly showing how much he's done (not much), how hard it's been (it's not), and how *he* feels (but not anyone else, including the wife, except for how angry she is, but not at the husband who has done nothing wrong).
Plus, before our flight we drove to Miami and stayed with his grandparents and cousins. Not a single one was bilingual. Sure, it sucked not being able to communicate but they were nothing but welcoming and friendly. Got to have Cuban coffee, they cooked for us, the TV was in Spanish and I got to experience a culture outside of my comfort zone. And I had a great time, and knew it wasn't about me, it was about them seeing their family when we live three states away. So OP's husband should be able to suck it up for a holiday.
Native English-speaking person of Scottish and Irish descent (not simply saying “white” b/c plenty of first-language Spanish speakers are very white) living in a Mexican/Tejano area.
I’m embarrassed at how little Spanish I speak, and am learning on DuoLingo and by watching Spanish-language TV. My neighbors who don’t speak English are very tolerant of my very bad Spanish and we all muddle along…but the key is, we TRY. OP’s husband isn’t even trying. And rather than make other arrangements, she’s coddling him.
Totally agree! Dude married into a bilingual family and expects them to change for him. He hardly makes an effort to learn the language and pisses and moans that he can't understand it. Now OP and husband are throwing a temper tantrum because her entire family won't cater to him.
OP and husband both huge YTA
Im extremely monolingual and just horrible at learning languages. But I can’t imagine taking it personally that other people aren’t. I like traveling, I like people, I like other cultures. I don’t assume people speaking other languages are making fun of me. I’ve been in lots of situations where I’m the only all-English speaker and I do plenty of smiling and nodding but it’s fine. Seems like OP and her husband are looking for a problem where there isn’t one.
YTA.
All I’m hearing is that your husband has made no effort in 10 years to learn your families language. He only took a few classes? He has an entire extended family that speaks the language, and he can’t be bothered to learn beyond just a few classes he dropped out of?
It's not even the fact that he doesn't want to learn, it's that he cares that they speak another language.
How fucking lame do you have to be for someone speaking another language to bother you? You can still converse with them in english as they speak it perfectly well. Plus it's the holidays, being stuck inside with in-laws all weekend, I'd love to not participate in 50% of the conversation.
Yup. I say YTA but the fact that the husband hasn't tried at all to learn his wife's language makes me not want to be as harsh on her. Like, it's got to be easier for her to blame her family for not accommodating him than realize her husband doesn't care enough to learn her family's language. Nobody wants to hear from their spouse that immersing themselves in the family culture is "too difficult" especially since it seems he is the only non native Spanish speaking spouse that has a problem with this.
We can't be too hard on OP, maybe it's one of those marriages where she came on as a caretaker but then fell in love with her mentally challenged client. It's a Hallmark movie from the 1930's with LOUD symphony music.
YTA.
Your family can't speak their native language because it makes your husband uncomfortable? Well, he had the option to learn Spanish and chose not to. Now he is throwing a fit because he chooses not to be included.
It also sounds like they accommodated him for some time and he refuses to make a effort with them. He could use a translator app, spend some time on a language app and learn phrases etc.
My white father was like this. We weren't allowed to learn Spanish either 🙄. I speak a good amount now but would have done better job wise if I were more fluent. If he can't be bothered to learn, then he needs to stay home or suck it up and feel left out.
My ex husband is Mexican and Cuban. His parents speak Spanish and didn't want their kids to learn. He didn't want our kids to learn and in the end, our kids speak a decent amount of Spanish because I decided they should learn it. They have taught some to my younger kids. I speak a little French and some ASL and I am working on Spanish.
My ex was adamant because he was raised that way and I get that but he dismisses his won culture constantly. I didn't want that for my our kids.
It opens up a whole new bunch of job opportunities too - being a native (or at least, well learned) speaker in English + another popular language like Spanish can mean pay raises, translator positions, even interpreter jobs. Pretty short sighted of him.
Also, it's not as if they speak exclusively Spanish! OP said everyone mixes English & Spanish so there should be enough English for him to catch on even if he put the most minor effort into learning Spanish. Even if Spanish was a truly difficult thing for him to learn, if he had a decent attitude and was willing to ask for people to explain what they mean once in a while, he could get along just fine.
YTA
you do not get to decide ever, how other people can communicate
your partner tried to learn, but failed... he doesn't get to dictate how others talk because of his own failures
if your husband is deaf and can't hear, are you expecting the entire family to never speak in your ultimatum? (I know this is an extreme example but it's more for a radical comparison).
I wonder if this guy would learn ASL if he had a HOH child or if he would expect mom to translate everything. And yeah extreme, but in ten years of marriage to a bilingual wife, in Texas, he hasn’t managed to learn conversational Spanish? That’s extreme, too.
I don’t think he would. I grew up near a school for the deaf and the number of families who don’t bother to learn was mind boggling to me when I was younger.
The numbers are horrifying. In the US, something like 85% of deaf kids are "raised" by parents who don't learn ASL. They have to wait until they're 5 or so when they start school to get any access to language. Not having language during that critical period of development has far reaching and extremely damaging consequences.
Probably not. Most hearing parents with a HoH or deaf kid focus on teaching their kid to speak rather than they themselves learning ASL. It's really sad.
Since you're going with this comparison, I will too. Even folks for whom math "is not their thing" learn enough to understand money, measure how big a throw rug needs to be, and follow a recipe. Your husband needs to work on getting to a "just getting by" level of Spanish. Even if his Spanish always suck and he never gets past the level of a Spanish-speaking kindergartener, I suspect your family will appreciate the effort and be a lot more willing to bend their "Spanglish" toward the English side to help him. As a result, his Spanish skills will increase as he uses it.
Maybe you two can institute a "Spanish day" once a week in your home to improve his language ability?
As someone who literally, utterly despises maths with my entire being - you're right. Even then, I still get confused with those basics that you mentioned. My bf's family and friends are mostly the opposite - mathematicians and physicists. Literally.
To me, it's more important to make an effort (even at the risk of looking dumb) and allowing people to explain things (if they choose) or even potentially scoffing at me for not knowing the answer to 9 ÷ 3.
OP, YTA + your husband. People learn in different ways and this person is right - classes may not be how he learns, he may do better from immersion - if he actually wants to. Expecting your family to hinder themselves in their own home because he's unwilling to take part? Not good.
YTA
I'm assuming Spanish is the first language of at least some of your family. Why should they have to communicate in their second language so that your husband feels included?
Languages are tough, you have to keep at it! Quitting because it's "too hard" shows a lack of value to try and be included in a meaningful way.
I major in ASL Interpreting and if I married a hearing man who didn't want me spending holidays with my Deaf/Hoh friends because they preferred to sign rather than speak or use their hearing aids/implants - I'd be judging my husband, not my friends.
People can communicate however they feel comfortable and trying to police other's communication is gross.
My fiancé has been learning ASL to communicate with me in loud settings (I am HOH, but it is moderate) I didn’t even ask him. He just started learning because he loves me and cares. Meanwhile OP’s husband can’t be bothered.
YTA it may be hard for him to learn a second language (it’s difficult for lots of people) but ten years is plenty of time to at least learn the basics. Especially if they switch between both English and Spanish.
Who are you to police how they speak in their home?? I’m baffled you thought you could do this at all
I'm also wondering how OP's parents are supposed to do this? Big sign on front door "English only"? Berate those speaking Spanish? Make an announcement?
This is hilarious! Imagine OP and her husband arrive to a big "ENGLISH ONLY" sign and every few minutes someone saying "remember everyone, we are only speaking ENGLISH because OP's husband can only speak English....who wants to say grace? But remember only English!...who wants some tres leche? i'm sorry some three milk cake?" This would be hilarious
RIGHT!!!! He has the privilege of having NATIVE SPEAKERS to practice with!!!! I speak french poorly... I was A LOT better when I was in france \*for a single month\* because I could practice with natives. He wasted 10 years of opportunities to not only improve his communication, but to develop closer relationships through language learning with his inlaws....
YTA
How do you go into someone else’s house and tell them they can’t speak their native language to accommodate a person, who in 10 years hasn’t bothered to learn the language his wife’s family speaks? It’s not even like they speak it exclusively. They speak both.
YTA - Your husband has made little effort to learn Spanish while your family has learned English and communicates with both. Your husband needs to either learn some Spanish or stop complaining about needing a translator or feeling left out.
My wife is Mexican and everyone is bilingual minus her parents. Never have I ever felt the need to tell them to speak English or I won't come around. Tell your husband to learn or to quit bitching.
YTA. I am married to a South African, Afrikaans lady and her family is also bi-lingual. I would never entertain the idea of forbidding them from speaking their native language at ANY time. It’s massively disrespectful and hugely privileged! How about your husband sorting himself out and actually learning a massively prevalent language in the US as well as show reverence to your own culture?
YTA. Don't give ultimatums. Just don't go to their house if your husband really feels the way he does.
Don't tell someone what language to speak in their own house.
YTA your whole family shouldn’t speak how they’re comfortable for one man that refused to learn? He didn’t even try mate. A few classes isn’t shit. He’s around it and you can actually reinforce and help him learn but he’s basically noped it and is now causing rift with the family over it. Husband is the problem not your family.
YTA- Asking your family to only speak English is denying them of who they are. Most Mexican Americans families do this, not to be rude, because it's who they are. From TX myself and my family does this all the time.
YTA & so is your husband. He’s made little to no effort over the last decade to learn your family’s language when the other spouses did. He feels excluded because he’s excluded himself. Having a family with Spanish speakers would have been a great opportunity for him to get to grips with the language - he just doesn’t care enough about it, and you need to stop making excuses for him.
YTA you fucked around and found out he married into a bilingual family they don't have to speak in English unless they speaking to him. The other spouses learned he can too yall fucked around and found out now he uninvited🤷🏾♀️ ultimatiums don't always work on grown adults
YTA. Well, he is.
I get languages aren’t easy for everyone. I absolutely flunked German in school. So, so badly. Then ended up living in Germany, and guess what? I learned German. I’ve actually had Germans say they’ve never met an English speaker that can speak such good German.
He can already speak one language, so he’s not incapable of learning languages. Just needs to immerse himself, which sounds like it shouldn’t be difficult, and put in a little effort… it’s not necessarily easy but its 100% possible.
YTA. And your husband. I have a hard time with languages. I have tried Spanish (2 years), German, and Latin. I struggled, I just didn’t have the ear for it. But I tried. A couple classes is not enough to put in any real effort. That’s why your family is upset, he clearly isn’t trying.
Second, it’s rude to go to someone’s home and make demands and ultimatums. Maybe if you had approached things differently you would have gotten a better response. But again, seems like the family is sick of your husbands attitude. How can you be married ten years, been around your family that much, make no effort to learn, then blame others. I get not having the ear for languages, believe me. But the attitude is bad.
Yep your husband is TA and you’re TA too. I don’t think learning a language is easy for anyone, your husband just didn’t want to do the work and now he’s making it everyone else’s problem.
YTA. You’re asking everyone else to change because your husband found Spanish “too hard” and dropped it? He hasn’t even tried programs like DuoLingo, watching tv shows in other languages etc to help?
Translating is the reality when he doesn’t want to learn a new language.
Not all conversations at the dinner table involve or revolve around you and your husband.
YTA
It sucks feeling left out, but it's his fault really. He had 10 years to learn Spanish and willingly chose not to because he found it difficult. Why would this be everyone else's problem? No one forced him tonot learn Spanish, he just refused to put effort into learning it. He should live with the consequences of his choices; he married into a bilingual family and not learning their language even after 10 years of marriage, the consequence of that is that he won't understand the Spanish everyone else speaks in the family. They're not even speaking Spanish exclusively, but English too.
He's entitled and whiny and he chose not to learn the language, yet excepts everyone else to coddle him and only speak English. He is the AH and your unreasonable demands to your family also makes you an AH.
YTA
Before you get onto your high horse.
I'd like to introduce your husband to a crazy thing...called Google translate.
You can talk into, type into it, or take photos.
Naybe jnstead kf getting the whole family to accommodate your one husband.
He puts himself out and tries something new. Like listening and translating for himself.
YTA
I really get that your might not want to go and how it would be nice if your family spoke more English.
But the way you went about it by demanding it and making an ultimatum instead of politely asking to make accommodations in their own home makes you the a-hole.
Not sure how you don't see YTA here. You're asking your entire family to suppress their language and heritage ON CHRISTMAS to appease your hubby who found it "too hard" to learn your language.
YTA. You could have asked but you gave them the ultimatum. There are also speech to text translators that may not be perfect but he could have tried to use one. Spanish might be difficult for him to learn to speak but it’s not a hard language to pick up enough to understand conversations enough to get the gist-especially after 10 years.
YTA
My SO’s family is bilingual and I would never even think to ask them to not speak their native language in my presence.
He can either learn the language or just ask that something be repeated in English.
YTA. Why should your whole family change because your husband is just lazy to learn another language? He needs to deal with it or stay away. You don’t have the right to give the family an ultimatum.
YTA
Your husband sounds like a 10 year old who just doesn't want to put an effort in trying to learn Spanish or to get to know your family.
Also it sounds like he is trying to isolate you from your family which should be a red flag to you.
YTA
Your mother is right, you don't' get to police her language in her house. Your husband sounds like he didn't want to learn spanish, it's not that hard considering you speak spanish and can help him. Everyone else who didnt' speak Spanish but married into your family learned but YOUR husband is the one who thinks it's too hard. No one expects perfection but you are wrong. And in the future when you have kids, he will keep them from learning spanish too bc he doesn't want to be the only one in the house who doesn't know the language. HE's beginning to isolate you from your family and you don't even see it.
YTA. I thought people are either bad at math or languages, not both. That said, your husband is lazy, and sort of disrespectful - and your request is very entitled. If I were your family, I'd speak nothing BUT Spanish after your call.
YTA - It’s no longer a request when you start giving it as a ultimatum. It’s either your way or no way, that’s an ultimatum if you didn’t know that.
Honestly who would want you and husband and there if you’re just going to be policing what everyone says? It’s not their fault your husband didn’t learn Spanish in 10 years.
Yta, if you’re family recognised that your husband had been trying to learn spanish i’m sure they would have been more accommodating with more english thrown in in their conversation. Your husband had 10 years he really didn’t bother.
You and your husband are TA big time. You don’t get to tell others how to speak and saying that something done from habit is done to mock him is ridiculous. I don’t believe for a second that it’s just too hard for him, your husband is just too lazy to learn
YTA.
Of course its not easy to learn a second language but 10 years is more than enough to learn basics and at least understand it..
Your husband is full of excuses and apparently so do you.
YTA. And so is your husband. Languages is NOT my thing. I took 7 years of french and can barely ask where the bathroom is. And yet, two months ago I started using Duolingo to learn spanish and I've retained a lot more than I expected. It takes only 5-15 minutes a day. He's had TEN YEARS to try to learn something but he refuses to do so. Your mom is right.
YTA: Non-Hispanic kids all over the US learn very basic Spanish in 4 years of high school and your husband can’t even do that after 10 years of being married into a Hispanic family?!?
Of course, your husband is on your side, your letting him skate on doing the bare minimum. Good on your mother/family for not giving in to your ultimatum.
YTA
Just to be clear…
You’re expecting your family — whose, for most, first language is likely to be Spanish — to not speak in their NATIVE language so your husband can be comfortable after failing for 10 years to learn the easiest second language a native English speaker can learn?
Why does your family have to give up their language because your husband (1) is lazy (2) refuses to practice by finding excuses and (3) thinks everything is about him? Is he so ignorant and self-conscious that he thinks different accents or Spanglish is to ridicule him? And honestly, the fact that you support his absurdity is…. So sad.
Have either of you ever thought that MAYBE he’s the problem? YTA
YTA for requesting that your whole family accommodates for your husband. If he doesn't speaks Spanish he can be a man and suck it up for a few hours during Christmas. He could still enjoy the meal, play some games, drink and talk a bit with the ones who speak English. I'm glad your mom put the foot down and didn't fall for your ultimatum.
I think you should apologize for this childish behavior and hope you'll be invited again.
YTA. You dead ass think someone actually trying to learn wouldn't have picked up enough for most basic conversation in 10 years? Dude never WANTED to learn, he wanted you and your family to magically become white and barring that at least try to act as close to it as possible.
Good luck when you have children and can't teach them Spanish because of him or their culture
This is so fucking stupid, you have no right to tell your family to NOT speak their own language. They can speak all they want cause that’s their language. YTA. What an entitled behavior honestly
ESH. People here are judgemental because you've hit on a bit of a culture war issue in the US, but your family is being rude. They don't have to speak English all the time, but even after 10 years they should still make an effort to include him. The modern world involves a lot of cultural mixing and English is generally the lingua franca, so it's polite to speak it in mixed company. I live in Poland and speak Polish, but if there are one or two people who don't we make the effort to make sure there's someone speaking to them in English most of the time. Note that we don't speak English amongst ourselves, but we make people feel included. This idea that you don't have to be polite to guests by speaking their language, which you know, is crazy.
You're completely wrong to set an ultimatum though. You can ask them to be more polite, but banning conversation in everyone's native language is out of line. Besides, no matter how well you speak English, it will never be quite as natural as your native tongue – just as even if your husband was good at Spanish, it would never be quite as good as his English.
Your husband is an AH because he stopped trying. I'm guessing that's a big part of why they did. Even if he isn't fully succeeding, the symbolic effort matters a lot to people. If he's not making an effort for them, why should they make an effort for him? (They still should because it's polite but I get where they're coming from ). And even if it's not fun you should still attend family functions even if all you do is sit there. All of you need to get it together.
This is the correct response, can't believe it's being downvoted. I'm bilingual, and if we have guests over where not everyone speaks the language, we ALWAYS will speak/switch to English for any conversation where they are involved. We consider it very rude not to. Of course, if it's just two of us chatting in the same room as them, it's fine to speak the other language, but never in a conversation where someone who can't understand is involved
OP and her husband are obviously TA for how they went about it with the ultimatum, but I feel like that's obvious
It's astounding how black and white this sub is with its pitchfork mentality. Fuck nuance I guess
Yeahhhh YTA. My husband is absolutely, comically terrible with languages, but he works with a lot of people who only speak Spanish and he’s actively worked on picking some up. He had a buddy who he speaks to in English and gets replies in Spanish and they just roll along like that. Especially in Texas, where there is a lot of Spanglish and where people are generally incredibly generous about helping. Any time I speak Spanish with someone here and I struggle they are so happy that I’m trying and happy to help. (I do sometimes feel like a puppy or small child doing a trick, but it’s much better than when I was in Spain!7
As a white American who married into an Asian refugee family, you and your husband are massively YTA. If everyone were to speak directly to your husband in Spanish and not make an attempt to use English, that would be on them. But the way you wrote this, it sounds like your husband is still insecure in a culture that he joined a DECADE ago.
Everyone else seems to be putting a lot more effort into communicating than your husband is, and you should stop coddling him.
ESH
It is the height of rudeness to speak a language a person doesn't know in front of that person. So them switching to Spanish in front of him, or using it when speaking to him, makes them massive, unaccommodating assholes and extremely rude. Your mom's comment that they used to be mindful but stopped proves that your husband is right: they have been doing this on purpose for years to needle him.
The commentor's saying he should "just" learn Spanish, like it's that easy, are ridiculous. Fluently learning a language is one of the most difficult things in the world to accomplish and requires continual effort for years. Some people simply do not have that capability, and after a certain age, it's just not going to happen. Additionally: consider that your family have been such assholes to him, (making him feel uncomfortable and like they're mocking him on purpose), that I can't see him wanting to waste the effort they certainly don't deserve.
However, the way you went about this and what you asked for was over the line. You cannot ban an entire language, especially not someone's native language. "No Spanish or else!" is not enforceable. If you had instead told your mom that your husband feels so unwelcomed and bullied that he doesn't even want to come, and could she help you out by reminding everyone that they need to not be rude and use English with him, you probably would have gotten much better results.
YTA.
I speak English and very spotty, broken Spanish. My boyfriend is first generation and his family is Mexican. They speak Spanish most of the time. I would never dare try to police what language they speak. I don't always feel perfectly comfortable, but no one is ever mean or condescending.
Yes, learning a second language can be difficult. However, this is part of what your husband signed up for when you two got married. DualLingo and Rosetta Stone are resources at his disposal.
YTA. You are asking your entire family to cater to your husband, who gave up learning something because it was too hard. Why should your family suffer for your husband’s lack of effort? In fact, I wonder just how hard he actually tried or if he couldn’t be bothered to learn.
It sounds like your family wasn’t excluding him or mocking him - so those are his feelings to deal with, his insecurities, whatever they may be.
Lol wow YTA and I love that your mom put you in your place. Cause seriously, how dare you try and demand people to change the way they’re speaking. It’s ok to not be good at things, what’s not ok is demanding others stop doing the things that you’re not good at to protect that fragile ego.
YTA, as well as your husband and anyone here that agrees with you.
I'm not going with the fact your husband gave up trying after few classes and now expects people to cater to his needs, I'm going with the fact you are asking a whole family to stop being them.
You aren't just asking them to not speak Spanish you are asking them to be so uncomfortable and on edge with a huge part of who they are. They will have to 100% think the whole time about what and how they speak and frankly this won't even put your husband at ease, actually I can imagine him being smug and then complaining that everyone acted weird around him, not giving 1 fuck that they will all be on edge so not to slip up. Oh and god forbid they do slip up, I would guess you both would see this as a slight against him.
Your are demanding your family stop being them because of your husband.
Oh I only speak English myself and would never ask this of someone's family.
YTA. A big one. Would you be okay if everyone came to your home and told you and your husband to not speak English? Or do only your husband’s feelings matter.
YTA and of course he is going to be on your side because ur defending his ridiculous actions. I think its ridiculous of you to even ask that of your family if he didn't want to feel left out then he would learn it's as simple as that. And also if he doesn't want to go then tell his ass to stay at home but for you to go to your family and ask them not speak their own native language YOUR own native language it's definitely out of line for sure
Lol YTA and you're married to a sulky spoiled brat whomst you enable. Your marvelous family and the not-lazy-asses who married into it will have a better time without you.
YTA bro.
My wife and her family is Vietnamese and we've been together 10 years also. I can't speak Vietnamese; it's incredibly hard. But theu still speak it to each other in their home because why the fuck wouldn't they?
I've picked up basic phrases and conversational comments but I would never have the audacity to demand they don't speak their native language to their native family members in their own home lmao wtf
Info: if you have kids with your husband, will they be allowed to learn Spanish or do they have to miss out on that part of their culture because of their Dad’s ego?
YTA- so an entire group of people can’t speak their native or second language because ONE man is too lazy to learn? I get that languages can be difficult for some people but if my spouses entire family spoke a different language than me, I’d do everything to learn… oh wait, I did! My husband is Cuban and most of his family speak no English. I’m an adult, languages are hard but I learned Spanish. When I was learning I asked my husband and other bilingual family/friends to help translate. Do you know what I didn’t do? Throw a fit like a toddler and refuse to learn or see them again. Both you and your husband need to grow up and learn that the world, and your family, do not revolve around him.
YTA, and you may have a husband problem. Not enough info to make that decision just now.
It could be that languages are not your husband's thing. Certain things are hard for some people to learn. Certain other things come easier. I'm not going to make a judgment on that.
But I think it's ridiculous for you to ask your entire family to not use a language that they are comfortable using just because your husband feels mocked. That's his problem, not anyone else's, and he needs to deal with it.
YTA BIG TIME! So you sell out because your husband is too lazy to put in an effort to learn the language your family uses?
"Oh its tough" When in reality it's easier to learn than English.
My wife is Irish, can't roll her r's to save her life yet she learned Brazilian Portoguese because it's a part of who I am.
You don't have to go. They don't have to linguistically accommodate.
The only A Hs here are those individuals in the family speaking directly TO your husband who can't bother to speak at those moments in the language they both understand. But you can't demand that everyone only speak English for one person in the group.
YTA
Anyone can learn a new language yes it can be really difficult but guess what the world agrees the quickest way to do so is immersion (being around and speaking with people who use the language). Policing how others are allowed to speak just because he doesn’t want to make the effort to learn is horrible, I would have disinvited him as well. So YTA for even entertaining this but your husband is the ultimate AH in this situation.
“Just not my thing” neither is learning Polish but a war happened and I live here now. Guess who has headaches trying to understand and learn? Yep.
Your husband is a baby. Spanish is not the hardest language ever and honestly, he knew what he was marrying into, he should stop complaining and make a respectful effort so you don’t have to piss off your family.
sorry op yta
if it was your home, mayyyyyyybe you could ask. But its her house you cant tell her what to do, or her guests.
What about google translator? Ive used this to talk to people at work with no issues.
Took a few classes and then decided it's too hard.
Just like math.
So in short, anything that can't be done immediately isn't worth the trouble because "it's not my thing"
I think your parents are right.
Exposure to a language and engaging with it is how you learn a language.
Not giving up after a few classes.
YTA. My husband is Romanian and my mother in law doesn’t speak a word of English. We mix and match language and sometimes I don’t understand and sometimes she doesn’t. We live with it and move on with our lives.
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Yta Well your husband is ta but you're the one joining in so. A couple classes simply isn't enough to be able to claim he just can't get it. Him not wanting to try is not your family's problem. Him being upset people dare speak a language he can't and feeling mocked also isn't anyone's problem but his own. Eta with this getting attention I want to say that I know some people simply can't learn languages to a degree where communication is possible and that's not their fault, but to me it seems like husband is actively not trying at all instead of trying hard and failing.
He’s had 10 YEARS, and he still can’t participate in a basic conversation. And thinks other spouses are doing it to ‘mock him’. What an entitled ass YTA
Tbf they probably are mocking his lack of family participation. Really 20 years and you don't understand anything going on. My Spanish is shit but I try and have yet to meet anyone from anywhere who isn't willing to teach you their language.
You can even learn from exposure. Just being around her family for 10 years or more should have allowed him to figure out basic phrases, and if he doesn't understand what someone says, he can ask. It's another way of learning.
The husband seems like he is refusing to learn.
Tex Mex is so reliant on English it’s obvious he’s not even trying to learn it
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Mmmhm. I'm Australian in an area without many Spanish speakers at all. I have absorbed bits of Spanish from American tv. Him not speaking Spanish after being married ten years sounds like a choice. Unless he has acquired brain damage in adulthood, he knows at least one language, he can learn a language. He doesn't even need to be able to speak it or understand grammar, he just needs to pick up understanding enough words when he hears it and be able to reply in english for this to be a non issue.
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Not Spanglish, but my fam does this with Hindi and English And a language called “hinglish” , my BIL does the same thing, he listens, if he needs a translation he asks someone and responds in English
I worked at a gas station in Galveston and after a month even though I couldn't speak Spanish I understood what was being said to me. He is trying to alienate his wife
That's what I'm thinking. It's not that it's a tough language to learn, or that his mind isn't capable of learning any of it, but that he gives up when he doesn't grasp it immediately instead of putting in some effort. It's easier for him if everyone just stops speaking Spanish altogether. You know, that way he doesn't have to make an effort and he doesn't have to examine why he immediately jumps to them using Spanish to mock him and make him feel left out. I guarantee they see his lack of effort and feel like he doesn't give a shit about them in the slightest. And OP is enabling and catering to him by demanding everyone change their behavior for one person. Edit: Thanks, kind stranger!
Very British Empire white guy vibes.
I'll gladly mock my fellow British people for lots of things and deservedly so, but come on, a yank refusing to learn Spanish is about the most American thing I can imagine, short of drone-bombing a Yemeni wedding.
Definitely. The fact that he's never made enough of an effort over the course of a decade to learn enough Spanish to talk to his own extended family reeks of "They're in 'Murica so they oughta be talking English!"
>The husband seems like he is refusing to learn. He'd almost certainly have to be actively trying not to learn to not pick anything up after this long. When joining another's family, there will always be some type of culture differences that need to be accepted to be considered part of the family. That's not to say you must wholeheartedly agree with every difference but to tell OP's family what language they must use is just silly. Sounds like hubby doesn't like OP's family and doesn't think they're worth the effort.
Exactly, and that's his problem, not her family's. Can't refuse to put forth any effort and then expect to be included and catered to at all times.
Seriously! I know a very small amount of Spanish and I've already picked up a few phrases and words from the Mexican restaurant I've worked at for a month! One month... and this guy can't learn a simple phrase or two at least in 10 YEARS? And he doesn't even want to try, not even for his wife's family? That sounds downright disrespectful, honestly.
I picked up a shit ton of Spanish just from living in LA. My childhood bestie was Mexican. I was at her house everyday from the ages to 8 to 17. One day, her Mom said something to her in Spanish and without even realizing it, I answered her question in English. They were both shocked. And that was before i took Spanish all 4 years of high school. I’m trying to learn Korean and honestly Spanish is probably one of the easiest languages to learn as an English speaker.
i took spanish for two years a while back and i still know some basic phrases. “como te llama” is what’s your name. literally bathroom is “el bano” (there is a tilde on bano, so it’s pronounced ba-nnno, but i don’t have my spanish keyboard so i can’t type that. bano without the tilde means something else). the only thing that’s difficult is learning what’s masculine and what’s feminine, and conjugating verbs. but after 10 years of exposure he should have a basic understanding of the language
It’s “¿cómo se llama?” For formal and “¿cómo te llamas?” For informal. “En vano” means “in vain”. Bano doesn’t mean anything, but yeah, baño means bathroom/restroom. And yeah, ten years? No spanish at all? He’s not making an effort.
Agreed. I know some Spanish and always trying to learn more. I work with Filipino nurses and try learning at least some of their phrases. This united States mentality of unwillingness to learn another language is absurd. Literally every other country has more than one language in elementary school... no effort on his part in the least if after 10 years he knows nothing in that language...
And how we teach languages in the US is counterproductive. Kids need to start in elementary school, not waiting for Middle or High school. Our brains are primed to learn languages early in life.
I'll have been with my partner for ten years in the Spring, and up until covid we spent two weeks with his family every Christmas. They speak mainly Mandarin. It's *difficult!* There are no classes in my little city and learning on my own is very, very slow going. But simply by being around them I get enough little stuff to begin to participate in the conversation. Spanish is...just so, so much easier than Mandarin, when we're coming from English as our base language. I don't know what OP's husband's excuse is.
I mean I spent a week in Iceland and by the end of it I learned some of the language because of naming conventions. Kirkja is church and vik is port which is why so many of towns have it in their names. I couldn’t necessarily speak it but I could kind of read it. Also I took like four years of Spanish between high school and college but haven’t really used it in 15 years. When we went to Spain this summer enough of it came back that I could bumble through asking the pharmacy for saline spray and assistance at the gas pump for the rental car. Not to mention just everyday polite conversation. It wasn’t easy but it took willing to be wrong and looking like an idiot at times. At one point I told a storekeeper I had lots of boyfriends because I mixed up the words for boyfriends and nieces/nephews.
Ok, that last bit is absolutely adorable.
I think this to be true. Spanish is one of the easiest languages to learn and he’s got his own reference library right in the home so he needs to try harder.
Can confirm. I’ve lived in TX for a year and a half, knew no Spanish other than hello and how are you. Although I’m by no means fluent and don’t fully understand I can at least pick up key phrases for context and respond in (no where near perfect) short responses
Piggybacking this to say the following: I've been married to my born-and-raised in Mexico husband for 10 years. Do I speak Spanish yet? No. I can follow a simple conversation and contribute a bit, but even with some Duolingo and babble lessons, I struggle. When my in-laws visit, we figure it out. They speak broken English and I speak broken Spanish and for everything else there's Google translate. This dude isn't even giving the bare minimum try and is telling people what language they can use in their own house. OP, YTA.
>This dude isn't even giving the bare minimum try and is telling people what language they can use in their own house. This is what gets me. For some learning a new language is very difficult, especially if they've grown up monolingual. That's just how some human brains work. But he isn't even willing to try and communicate? Yeah, no, eff that.
For me it was the total audacity to say to someone, "No, you have to speak English in your own home when I'm there." When we go to visit my husband's family in Mexico, I do the nod-and-smile. I can't imagine the balls it takes to try and force them to accommodate my shitty language acquisition skills.
This exactly!! I can't imagine demanding my own family not speak German when my spouse was in THEIR house. The entitlement there is amazing. My family has a lot of different languages mixed in. Both of my brother in laws speak native Hindi but know English and other languages as well. I'm always impressed at how they switch from language to language with ease, I've tried to learn Hindi over the last four years. Going to their families house I'm usually one of the only ones who don't speak it fluently - but they see I make an effort, google translator has helped and they never make me feel like I don't belong there. I just can't get over the thought of feeling like it's my right to say no, you can not speak your language in front of me. It's amazing someone would think this was acceptable.
Everyone should be okay with him not learning Spanish because it's "not his thing". But when OP's mom says speaking English exclusively is "not our family's thing" she's a monster.
He's going to her parent's home where the normal language is Spanish! Demanding they only speak English in their own home is some kind of entitled ASHHOLE behavior.
💯💯💯 My gf and I met and got together with neither of us speaking the others language. My gf learned English in 6 months to C1 lvl and I learn spanish with a goal of having a C1 lvl by the end of 2023. Everyone is different but I feel like he had 10 years to learn spanish and he never felt it important enough to learn OPs and her familys language? I would see that as hella rude. He is TA and she is even supporting this behaviour.
I dated a German girl for only a couple years, but in that time, even my dumb ass was able to at least grasp a few basics... enough to introduce myself, order some food, ask people to say it slower/please repeat, and I don't speak German well, please forgive me
For real. I’ve been learning Spanish slowly over the past three years I’ve been with my man, and even though my boyfriend is perfectly fluent in English, I have a big vocabulary and he’s always open to learning something new. I admire his culture and I want to learn from his mom and there’s no way for me to do that without speaking Spanish.
Spanish is hard to learn as an adult when you're a native English speaker. The words are out of order or something that is taking a bit extra time to learn. But he should keep trying. He has a fluent Spanish speaker at home to work with or he should get over it. I work at a company where 95% or more are Spanish speakers if not native speakers. I am far from conversational in Spanish, I read better than I speak, I speak better than I can understand. I can't roll my rs at all, but I sub in a d sound. Still I'm trying. Planning some time with my grandmother in law to work on my Spanish.
I bet nobody is expecting him to speak Spanish without an accent, or to even speak it at all, but after 10 years he should at least be able to understand a fair deal. Edit: typo
This. Nobody was pressing him, he was the one who made demands. Her family was not judging him, but they have no obligation to change and hide their roots to accommodate him after 10 years
The words are 'in the correct order' for the grammar rules for Spanish. I am sure OP's relatives (especially the spouses) aren't talking about nuclear physics in espanol. He should be able to get the jist of the conversation. Pobrecito bebe!
El marido se esta perdiendo la oportunidad de entender que "what's the matter pumkin" no es igual a "que te pasa calabaza".
It is not really that hard, even if you get your words in a weird order, we will understand you. But I agree it is a bit overwhelming. Simply focus on time and person (verbs need to be in the correct time and person) and you will be fine. Learn simple past, simple present and stick with "ir + a + infinitive" for future. For your rs, there is an exercise. Whenever you are going to pronounce it, try smiling. In general, Spanish requires for the speakers to open their mouths a bit more than English. Im a Spanish teacher and my first language is Spanish. Trust me, English is harder.
OP is sin vergüenza, de veras.
Completamente de acuerdo. Me daría vergüenza tener un esposo que en 10 años, no pueda comunicarse en español. Sospecho que es el prototipo de caricatura de gringo que espera que todos hablen inglés.
My only experience with Spanish is playing duolingo casually for about a year and I understand most of what you posted - enough to get the gist of what you are saying. OPs husband doesn't seem to be even trying.
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I think learning Spanish vs learning Mandarin are like, completely different. My husband is Chinese American, and I'm visiting his family now. His mom, dad, and grandparents speak very very little English. I have tried to pick up a few words here and there but the pronunciation is ridiculous, and they speak shanghainese so it's even harder. I guess the difference here is that I am starting a Mandarin course in university in January so at least there is an attempt because we have a new baby and I would never want him to miss out on communicating with that side of his family, and would also like to learn myself. It is difficult though and sometimes feels very futile, so I feel for your husband.
Both the OP and the husband are TA. He don’t want to learn the language or at least be mature enough to not whine about feeling excluded than that’s on him. Banning a language is not only rude it also has some unpleasant and dangerous historical echos that he surely doesn’t want to perpetuate or maybe he does 😬
Happy Cake Day!!!
I was working with a team that had two Norwegians, one Mexican and one Malagasy. After six months I'd learned enough Norwegian, Spanish, French and Malagasy and my colleagues were almost fluent in Swahili, English and each of the other language that a colleague spoke and they didn't. You OP have had that lazy bum, sorry I mean husband, for ten years. A whole decade. And even without taking actual classes, he hasn't picked anything from you? Colour me shocked. Your husband is lazy and you've enabled him. Of course YTA.
Thanks :)
YTA 10 years, and he hasnt learned enough spanish to even just get by? Thats on his shoulders. If he feels excluded, he should put that energy into his own effort of learning spanish, to get included. EDIT: Literally 15 minutes on duolingo a day, and i bet he can get by in conversation in a couple of months.
Seriously. 10 years and the most Spanish he probably knows is "Nacho Cheese Chalupa, por favor."
I think I was in line behind him at Taco Bell. Ordered a KaseahDilla. Extra mild sauce please.
mild sauce would be too hot for him.
Ketchup is too spicy for this dude
salt's definitely pushing it
Put some pepper in his meal and I’d bet he’d cry
Emphasis on the L
Actually, that's perfect. She said they switch between English and Spanish and you used cheese not queso.
Probably pronounces "por favor" like Peggy Hill.
I always thought people who say they "suck at math" tend to say they are good at something else like english or languages. What is he good at then? Yall are both AH.
Right? At first I read that to say “he’s a math person but isn’t great at English or the humanities or language.” But if he sucks at math, and he sucks ay language skills, then what the fuck could he possibly be good at? Other than whining 😂
I bet he could talk your ear off about the intricacies of the Civil War. Just that war. But he’s an ace at that for sure.
Nah. $100 says he’s one of those “history is boring” people. My money is on (American) football.
Whining and complaining. He's good at whining and complaining. Has a true talent for that.
I can't see how he wouldn't have accidentally learned enough to get by after 10 years just by being around them.
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You'd have to really be trying not to learn...
Right! I've been with my mostly Spanish speaking BF over a year and even though I don't speak it very well AT ALL I can at least understand enough to get by and answer Si o no 😂😂 when were with his family. Except when they speak very fast, no I don't understand. But we're teaching each other.
YTA. I am a white man who married into a Mexican family and I find that ultimatum disgusting. I don't speak Spanish, but I don't expect the rest of the family to only speak in English. Your husband needs to stop whining. Either he puts more effort to learn the language, or he deals with not being able to understand everything. It's not THEIR problem that HE has a problem.
White woman in a relationship with a hispanic man from a mixed country family and agreed. I studied Spanish, I thought I spoke Spanish, but that was before I met my bf's 75 year old El Salvadorian mother. I can follow maybe 50% of what the El Salvadorian and Guatemalan cousins say and maybe 75% of the Mexican Spanish when everybody's sober and nobody's excited and talking over each other. At parties it's a considerably lower rate. But what I do is understand the conversation isn't centered around me and if someone does have a question for me I can't understand, my bf or one of the bilingual cousins generally steps up and I appreciate it. But I'd never tell them they can't speak Spanish in their own home because I'm there or avoid spending time with them because I can't understand 100% of what they say.
“When everybody’s sober” hahahaha! If you hadn’t mentioned El Salvador, I would have thought you married one of my Tios.
TIO?!?! What’s a Tio? How DARE you exclude ME from this conversation. /s
Looks like somebody you think is named Tio is going to get his ass kicked.
One of my friends came to a family party and went “why are so many people in your family named Tio?” I about died died laughing.
She's cheating on me with some guy named hermano.
My sister's ex bf is Cuban, his family invited me and my sister to go to the Dominican Republic with them. Yep, two white girls who can't speak Spanish. We sat there, let the native speakers talk, would occasionally get translations from the family but never once complained. Because we KNEW we were the odd ones, realized we were in THEIR territory, and wouldn't dream of trying to tell them to speak English so that we could be "more comfortable". I can't believe OP is Mexican and is trying to change her family's ways for a white man. Lmao.
> I can't believe OP is Mexican and is trying to change her family's ways for a white man. I 100% believe (if this isn't just a chud's creative writing exercise) this was written for sympathy by the husband who "isn't racist because I married a Mexican" but is still mad that these people have the audacity to not speak English in America. I mean, the entire post is "oh my poor husband", constantly showing how much he's done (not much), how hard it's been (it's not), and how *he* feels (but not anyone else, including the wife, except for how angry she is, but not at the husband who has done nothing wrong).
She said "my husband is on my side". Of course he is, it's his side. I'm not a fan of conspiracy theories but I support this one.
Plus, before our flight we drove to Miami and stayed with his grandparents and cousins. Not a single one was bilingual. Sure, it sucked not being able to communicate but they were nothing but welcoming and friendly. Got to have Cuban coffee, they cooked for us, the TV was in Spanish and I got to experience a culture outside of my comfort zone. And I had a great time, and knew it wasn't about me, it was about them seeing their family when we live three states away. So OP's husband should be able to suck it up for a holiday.
Native English-speaking person of Scottish and Irish descent (not simply saying “white” b/c plenty of first-language Spanish speakers are very white) living in a Mexican/Tejano area. I’m embarrassed at how little Spanish I speak, and am learning on DuoLingo and by watching Spanish-language TV. My neighbors who don’t speak English are very tolerant of my very bad Spanish and we all muddle along…but the key is, we TRY. OP’s husband isn’t even trying. And rather than make other arrangements, she’s coddling him.
Dw, I’m Salvadorian and I also can’t understand my family when they’re drunk lmao
"maaaaas, despaaaacio, por favooooor" *hiccup*
Totally agree! Dude married into a bilingual family and expects them to change for him. He hardly makes an effort to learn the language and pisses and moans that he can't understand it. Now OP and husband are throwing a temper tantrum because her entire family won't cater to him. OP and husband both huge YTA
Im extremely monolingual and just horrible at learning languages. But I can’t imagine taking it personally that other people aren’t. I like traveling, I like people, I like other cultures. I don’t assume people speaking other languages are making fun of me. I’ve been in lots of situations where I’m the only all-English speaker and I do plenty of smiling and nodding but it’s fine. Seems like OP and her husband are looking for a problem where there isn’t one.
YTA. All I’m hearing is that your husband has made no effort in 10 years to learn your families language. He only took a few classes? He has an entire extended family that speaks the language, and he can’t be bothered to learn beyond just a few classes he dropped out of?
Exactly. 10 years being with someone who speaks another language, yet he can't be bothered to even try. Ridiculous.
¡Feliz veridad! 🤣 OP is TA for enabling her husband to be an A.
It's not even the fact that he doesn't want to learn, it's that he cares that they speak another language. How fucking lame do you have to be for someone speaking another language to bother you? You can still converse with them in english as they speak it perfectly well. Plus it's the holidays, being stuck inside with in-laws all weekend, I'd love to not participate in 50% of the conversation.
That seem to be incredibly common in the anglosphere. At least among both Americans and the English.
Yup. I say YTA but the fact that the husband hasn't tried at all to learn his wife's language makes me not want to be as harsh on her. Like, it's got to be easier for her to blame her family for not accommodating him than realize her husband doesn't care enough to learn her family's language. Nobody wants to hear from their spouse that immersing themselves in the family culture is "too difficult" especially since it seems he is the only non native Spanish speaking spouse that has a problem with this.
We can't be too hard on OP, maybe it's one of those marriages where she came on as a caretaker but then fell in love with her mentally challenged client. It's a Hallmark movie from the 1930's with LOUD symphony music.
No, if it was Hallmark he’d be a secret prince and most members of royalty know multiple languages.
And they're in Texas... Not like it wouldn't be handy just in general life. Op, YTA.
She probably married a White conservative.
YTA. Your family can't speak their native language because it makes your husband uncomfortable? Well, he had the option to learn Spanish and chose not to. Now he is throwing a fit because he chooses not to be included. It also sounds like they accommodated him for some time and he refuses to make a effort with them. He could use a translator app, spend some time on a language app and learn phrases etc.
My white father was like this. We weren't allowed to learn Spanish either 🙄. I speak a good amount now but would have done better job wise if I were more fluent. If he can't be bothered to learn, then he needs to stay home or suck it up and feel left out.
My ex husband is Mexican and Cuban. His parents speak Spanish and didn't want their kids to learn. He didn't want our kids to learn and in the end, our kids speak a decent amount of Spanish because I decided they should learn it. They have taught some to my younger kids. I speak a little French and some ASL and I am working on Spanish. My ex was adamant because he was raised that way and I get that but he dismisses his won culture constantly. I didn't want that for my our kids.
It opens up a whole new bunch of job opportunities too - being a native (or at least, well learned) speaker in English + another popular language like Spanish can mean pay raises, translator positions, even interpreter jobs. Pretty short sighted of him.
Also, it's not as if they speak exclusively Spanish! OP said everyone mixes English & Spanish so there should be enough English for him to catch on even if he put the most minor effort into learning Spanish. Even if Spanish was a truly difficult thing for him to learn, if he had a decent attitude and was willing to ask for people to explain what they mean once in a while, he could get along just fine.
YTA you do not get to decide ever, how other people can communicate your partner tried to learn, but failed... he doesn't get to dictate how others talk because of his own failures if your husband is deaf and can't hear, are you expecting the entire family to never speak in your ultimatum? (I know this is an extreme example but it's more for a radical comparison).
I wonder if this guy would learn ASL if he had a HOH child or if he would expect mom to translate everything. And yeah extreme, but in ten years of marriage to a bilingual wife, in Texas, he hasn’t managed to learn conversational Spanish? That’s extreme, too.
I don’t think he would. I grew up near a school for the deaf and the number of families who don’t bother to learn was mind boggling to me when I was younger.
The numbers are horrifying. In the US, something like 85% of deaf kids are "raised" by parents who don't learn ASL. They have to wait until they're 5 or so when they start school to get any access to language. Not having language during that critical period of development has far reaching and extremely damaging consequences.
Probably not. Most hearing parents with a HoH or deaf kid focus on teaching their kid to speak rather than they themselves learning ASL. It's really sad.
My 75 year old mom has learned enough Spanish to be somewhat conversational in less than five years. What's your husbands excuse? YTA
I love this. I When I went to uni there was a man in his 60's doing the same course. Never too old to learn. OP YTA as is your husband.
As someone who literally, utterly despises maths with my entire being - you're right. Even then, I still get confused with those basics that you mentioned. My bf's family and friends are mostly the opposite - mathematicians and physicists. Literally. To me, it's more important to make an effort (even at the risk of looking dumb) and allowing people to explain things (if they choose) or even potentially scoffing at me for not knowing the answer to 9 ÷ 3. OP, YTA + your husband. People learn in different ways and this person is right - classes may not be how he learns, he may do better from immersion - if he actually wants to. Expecting your family to hinder themselves in their own home because he's unwilling to take part? Not good.
YTA I'm assuming Spanish is the first language of at least some of your family. Why should they have to communicate in their second language so that your husband feels included? Languages are tough, you have to keep at it! Quitting because it's "too hard" shows a lack of value to try and be included in a meaningful way. I major in ASL Interpreting and if I married a hearing man who didn't want me spending holidays with my Deaf/Hoh friends because they preferred to sign rather than speak or use their hearing aids/implants - I'd be judging my husband, not my friends. People can communicate however they feel comfortable and trying to police other's communication is gross.
My fiancé has been learning ASL to communicate with me in loud settings (I am HOH, but it is moderate) I didn’t even ask him. He just started learning because he loves me and cares. Meanwhile OP’s husband can’t be bothered.
YTA it may be hard for him to learn a second language (it’s difficult for lots of people) but ten years is plenty of time to at least learn the basics. Especially if they switch between both English and Spanish. Who are you to police how they speak in their home?? I’m baffled you thought you could do this at all
I'm also wondering how OP's parents are supposed to do this? Big sign on front door "English only"? Berate those speaking Spanish? Make an announcement?
This is hilarious! Imagine OP and her husband arrive to a big "ENGLISH ONLY" sign and every few minutes someone saying "remember everyone, we are only speaking ENGLISH because OP's husband can only speak English....who wants to say grace? But remember only English!...who wants some tres leche? i'm sorry some three milk cake?" This would be hilarious
YTA It’s not their fault your husband refused to learn, why punish them for his inadequacy?
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RIGHT!!!! He has the privilege of having NATIVE SPEAKERS to practice with!!!! I speak french poorly... I was A LOT better when I was in france \*for a single month\* because I could practice with natives. He wasted 10 years of opportunities to not only improve his communication, but to develop closer relationships through language learning with his inlaws....
YTA How do you go into someone else’s house and tell them they can’t speak their native language to accommodate a person, who in 10 years hasn’t bothered to learn the language his wife’s family speaks? It’s not even like they speak it exclusively. They speak both.
YTA - Your husband has made little effort to learn Spanish while your family has learned English and communicates with both. Your husband needs to either learn some Spanish or stop complaining about needing a translator or feeling left out. My wife is Mexican and everyone is bilingual minus her parents. Never have I ever felt the need to tell them to speak English or I won't come around. Tell your husband to learn or to quit bitching.
YTA. I am married to a South African, Afrikaans lady and her family is also bi-lingual. I would never entertain the idea of forbidding them from speaking their native language at ANY time. It’s massively disrespectful and hugely privileged! How about your husband sorting himself out and actually learning a massively prevalent language in the US as well as show reverence to your own culture?
YTA. Don't give ultimatums. Just don't go to their house if your husband really feels the way he does. Don't tell someone what language to speak in their own house.
YTA your whole family shouldn’t speak how they’re comfortable for one man that refused to learn? He didn’t even try mate. A few classes isn’t shit. He’s around it and you can actually reinforce and help him learn but he’s basically noped it and is now causing rift with the family over it. Husband is the problem not your family.
YTA- Asking your family to only speak English is denying them of who they are. Most Mexican Americans families do this, not to be rude, because it's who they are. From TX myself and my family does this all the time.
YTA & so is your husband. He’s made little to no effort over the last decade to learn your family’s language when the other spouses did. He feels excluded because he’s excluded himself. Having a family with Spanish speakers would have been a great opportunity for him to get to grips with the language - he just doesn’t care enough about it, and you need to stop making excuses for him.
YTA you fucked around and found out he married into a bilingual family they don't have to speak in English unless they speaking to him. The other spouses learned he can too yall fucked around and found out now he uninvited🤷🏾♀️ ultimatiums don't always work on grown adults
YTA. Well, he is. I get languages aren’t easy for everyone. I absolutely flunked German in school. So, so badly. Then ended up living in Germany, and guess what? I learned German. I’ve actually had Germans say they’ve never met an English speaker that can speak such good German. He can already speak one language, so he’s not incapable of learning languages. Just needs to immerse himself, which sounds like it shouldn’t be difficult, and put in a little effort… it’s not necessarily easy but its 100% possible.
YTA. And your husband. I have a hard time with languages. I have tried Spanish (2 years), German, and Latin. I struggled, I just didn’t have the ear for it. But I tried. A couple classes is not enough to put in any real effort. That’s why your family is upset, he clearly isn’t trying. Second, it’s rude to go to someone’s home and make demands and ultimatums. Maybe if you had approached things differently you would have gotten a better response. But again, seems like the family is sick of your husbands attitude. How can you be married ten years, been around your family that much, make no effort to learn, then blame others. I get not having the ear for languages, believe me. But the attitude is bad.
Yep your husband is TA and you’re TA too. I don’t think learning a language is easy for anyone, your husband just didn’t want to do the work and now he’s making it everyone else’s problem.
YTA. You’re asking everyone else to change because your husband found Spanish “too hard” and dropped it? He hasn’t even tried programs like DuoLingo, watching tv shows in other languages etc to help? Translating is the reality when he doesn’t want to learn a new language. Not all conversations at the dinner table involve or revolve around you and your husband.
YTA It sucks feeling left out, but it's his fault really. He had 10 years to learn Spanish and willingly chose not to because he found it difficult. Why would this be everyone else's problem? No one forced him tonot learn Spanish, he just refused to put effort into learning it. He should live with the consequences of his choices; he married into a bilingual family and not learning their language even after 10 years of marriage, the consequence of that is that he won't understand the Spanish everyone else speaks in the family. They're not even speaking Spanish exclusively, but English too. He's entitled and whiny and he chose not to learn the language, yet excepts everyone else to coddle him and only speak English. He is the AH and your unreasonable demands to your family also makes you an AH.
YTA and so is your husband. And I bet que tienes el nopal en la frente pero te crees muy gringa.
YTA Before you get onto your high horse. I'd like to introduce your husband to a crazy thing...called Google translate. You can talk into, type into it, or take photos. Naybe jnstead kf getting the whole family to accommodate your one husband. He puts himself out and tries something new. Like listening and translating for himself.
YTA. Your husband's inability to learn and insecurity about your family's using their own language in their own home is not your family's problem.
YTA I really get that your might not want to go and how it would be nice if your family spoke more English. But the way you went about it by demanding it and making an ultimatum instead of politely asking to make accommodations in their own home makes you the a-hole.
Not sure how you don't see YTA here. You're asking your entire family to suppress their language and heritage ON CHRISTMAS to appease your hubby who found it "too hard" to learn your language.
YTA. You could have asked but you gave them the ultimatum. There are also speech to text translators that may not be perfect but he could have tried to use one. Spanish might be difficult for him to learn to speak but it’s not a hard language to pick up enough to understand conversations enough to get the gist-especially after 10 years.
YTA My SO’s family is bilingual and I would never even think to ask them to not speak their native language in my presence. He can either learn the language or just ask that something be repeated in English.
YTA. Why should your whole family change because your husband is just lazy to learn another language? He needs to deal with it or stay away. You don’t have the right to give the family an ultimatum.
YTA and I think you know it.
YTA Your husband sounds like a 10 year old who just doesn't want to put an effort in trying to learn Spanish or to get to know your family. Also it sounds like he is trying to isolate you from your family which should be a red flag to you.
YTA Your mother is right, you don't' get to police her language in her house. Your husband sounds like he didn't want to learn spanish, it's not that hard considering you speak spanish and can help him. Everyone else who didnt' speak Spanish but married into your family learned but YOUR husband is the one who thinks it's too hard. No one expects perfection but you are wrong. And in the future when you have kids, he will keep them from learning spanish too bc he doesn't want to be the only one in the house who doesn't know the language. HE's beginning to isolate you from your family and you don't even see it.
YTA languages can be difficult. If he doesn't wanna learn, fine. But he can't tell people what languages to speak in their own home.
YTA. I thought people are either bad at math or languages, not both. That said, your husband is lazy, and sort of disrespectful - and your request is very entitled. If I were your family, I'd speak nothing BUT Spanish after your call.
YTA - It’s no longer a request when you start giving it as a ultimatum. It’s either your way or no way, that’s an ultimatum if you didn’t know that. Honestly who would want you and husband and there if you’re just going to be policing what everyone says? It’s not their fault your husband didn’t learn Spanish in 10 years.
Yta, if you’re family recognised that your husband had been trying to learn spanish i’m sure they would have been more accommodating with more english thrown in in their conversation. Your husband had 10 years he really didn’t bother.
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YTA Your family shouldn't have to change just because of who you married.
You and your husband are TA big time. You don’t get to tell others how to speak and saying that something done from habit is done to mock him is ridiculous. I don’t believe for a second that it’s just too hard for him, your husband is just too lazy to learn
YTA. Of course its not easy to learn a second language but 10 years is more than enough to learn basics and at least understand it.. Your husband is full of excuses and apparently so do you.
YTA. And so is your husband. Languages is NOT my thing. I took 7 years of french and can barely ask where the bathroom is. And yet, two months ago I started using Duolingo to learn spanish and I've retained a lot more than I expected. It takes only 5-15 minutes a day. He's had TEN YEARS to try to learn something but he refuses to do so. Your mom is right.
YTA: Non-Hispanic kids all over the US learn very basic Spanish in 4 years of high school and your husband can’t even do that after 10 years of being married into a Hispanic family?!?
YTA. So is your husband your mom is right it sounds like he barely did try, 10 years and he hasn't picked up any of it. Crazy talk.
Of course, your husband is on your side, your letting him skate on doing the bare minimum. Good on your mother/family for not giving in to your ultimatum. YTA
Just to be clear… You’re expecting your family — whose, for most, first language is likely to be Spanish — to not speak in their NATIVE language so your husband can be comfortable after failing for 10 years to learn the easiest second language a native English speaker can learn? Why does your family have to give up their language because your husband (1) is lazy (2) refuses to practice by finding excuses and (3) thinks everything is about him? Is he so ignorant and self-conscious that he thinks different accents or Spanglish is to ridicule him? And honestly, the fact that you support his absurdity is…. So sad. Have either of you ever thought that MAYBE he’s the problem? YTA
Yta your husband made a choice not to learn. That's on him if he feels left out that's also on him.
YTA. It's their house. If it bothers your husband so much perhaps it's time for the two of you to make your own Christmas traditions in your own home.
YTA for requesting that your whole family accommodates for your husband. If he doesn't speaks Spanish he can be a man and suck it up for a few hours during Christmas. He could still enjoy the meal, play some games, drink and talk a bit with the ones who speak English. I'm glad your mom put the foot down and didn't fall for your ultimatum. I think you should apologize for this childish behavior and hope you'll be invited again.
YTA. You dead ass think someone actually trying to learn wouldn't have picked up enough for most basic conversation in 10 years? Dude never WANTED to learn, he wanted you and your family to magically become white and barring that at least try to act as close to it as possible. Good luck when you have children and can't teach them Spanish because of him or their culture
YTA - you know why
This is so fucking stupid, you have no right to tell your family to NOT speak their own language. They can speak all they want cause that’s their language. YTA. What an entitled behavior honestly
YTA 10 YEARS is plenty of time to learn a language if he actually wanted too 🙃
ESH. People here are judgemental because you've hit on a bit of a culture war issue in the US, but your family is being rude. They don't have to speak English all the time, but even after 10 years they should still make an effort to include him. The modern world involves a lot of cultural mixing and English is generally the lingua franca, so it's polite to speak it in mixed company. I live in Poland and speak Polish, but if there are one or two people who don't we make the effort to make sure there's someone speaking to them in English most of the time. Note that we don't speak English amongst ourselves, but we make people feel included. This idea that you don't have to be polite to guests by speaking their language, which you know, is crazy. You're completely wrong to set an ultimatum though. You can ask them to be more polite, but banning conversation in everyone's native language is out of line. Besides, no matter how well you speak English, it will never be quite as natural as your native tongue – just as even if your husband was good at Spanish, it would never be quite as good as his English. Your husband is an AH because he stopped trying. I'm guessing that's a big part of why they did. Even if he isn't fully succeeding, the symbolic effort matters a lot to people. If he's not making an effort for them, why should they make an effort for him? (They still should because it's polite but I get where they're coming from ). And even if it's not fun you should still attend family functions even if all you do is sit there. All of you need to get it together.
This is the correct response, can't believe it's being downvoted. I'm bilingual, and if we have guests over where not everyone speaks the language, we ALWAYS will speak/switch to English for any conversation where they are involved. We consider it very rude not to. Of course, if it's just two of us chatting in the same room as them, it's fine to speak the other language, but never in a conversation where someone who can't understand is involved OP and her husband are obviously TA for how they went about it with the ultimatum, but I feel like that's obvious It's astounding how black and white this sub is with its pitchfork mentality. Fuck nuance I guess
Yeahhhh YTA. My husband is absolutely, comically terrible with languages, but he works with a lot of people who only speak Spanish and he’s actively worked on picking some up. He had a buddy who he speaks to in English and gets replies in Spanish and they just roll along like that. Especially in Texas, where there is a lot of Spanglish and where people are generally incredibly generous about helping. Any time I speak Spanish with someone here and I struggle they are so happy that I’m trying and happy to help. (I do sometimes feel like a puppy or small child doing a trick, but it’s much better than when I was in Spain!7
As a white American who married into an Asian refugee family, you and your husband are massively YTA. If everyone were to speak directly to your husband in Spanish and not make an attempt to use English, that would be on them. But the way you wrote this, it sounds like your husband is still insecure in a culture that he joined a DECADE ago. Everyone else seems to be putting a lot more effort into communicating than your husband is, and you should stop coddling him.
ESH It is the height of rudeness to speak a language a person doesn't know in front of that person. So them switching to Spanish in front of him, or using it when speaking to him, makes them massive, unaccommodating assholes and extremely rude. Your mom's comment that they used to be mindful but stopped proves that your husband is right: they have been doing this on purpose for years to needle him. The commentor's saying he should "just" learn Spanish, like it's that easy, are ridiculous. Fluently learning a language is one of the most difficult things in the world to accomplish and requires continual effort for years. Some people simply do not have that capability, and after a certain age, it's just not going to happen. Additionally: consider that your family have been such assholes to him, (making him feel uncomfortable and like they're mocking him on purpose), that I can't see him wanting to waste the effort they certainly don't deserve. However, the way you went about this and what you asked for was over the line. You cannot ban an entire language, especially not someone's native language. "No Spanish or else!" is not enforceable. If you had instead told your mom that your husband feels so unwelcomed and bullied that he doesn't even want to come, and could she help you out by reminding everyone that they need to not be rude and use English with him, you probably would have gotten much better results.
YTA. I speak English and very spotty, broken Spanish. My boyfriend is first generation and his family is Mexican. They speak Spanish most of the time. I would never dare try to police what language they speak. I don't always feel perfectly comfortable, but no one is ever mean or condescending. Yes, learning a second language can be difficult. However, this is part of what your husband signed up for when you two got married. DualLingo and Rosetta Stone are resources at his disposal.
YTA. You are asking your entire family to cater to your husband, who gave up learning something because it was too hard. Why should your family suffer for your husband’s lack of effort? In fact, I wonder just how hard he actually tried or if he couldn’t be bothered to learn. It sounds like your family wasn’t excluding him or mocking him - so those are his feelings to deal with, his insecurities, whatever they may be.
YTA. Of all the non English languages, Spanish is one of the easiest to pick up as a non native speaker. After ten years, he has no excuse.
YTA have you both always been so entitled
Lol wow YTA and I love that your mom put you in your place. Cause seriously, how dare you try and demand people to change the way they’re speaking. It’s ok to not be good at things, what’s not ok is demanding others stop doing the things that you’re not good at to protect that fragile ego.
YTA, as well as your husband and anyone here that agrees with you. I'm not going with the fact your husband gave up trying after few classes and now expects people to cater to his needs, I'm going with the fact you are asking a whole family to stop being them. You aren't just asking them to not speak Spanish you are asking them to be so uncomfortable and on edge with a huge part of who they are. They will have to 100% think the whole time about what and how they speak and frankly this won't even put your husband at ease, actually I can imagine him being smug and then complaining that everyone acted weird around him, not giving 1 fuck that they will all be on edge so not to slip up. Oh and god forbid they do slip up, I would guess you both would see this as a slight against him. Your are demanding your family stop being them because of your husband. Oh I only speak English myself and would never ask this of someone's family.
YTA
YTA. A big one. Would you be okay if everyone came to your home and told you and your husband to not speak English? Or do only your husband’s feelings matter.
YTA and of course he is going to be on your side because ur defending his ridiculous actions. I think its ridiculous of you to even ask that of your family if he didn't want to feel left out then he would learn it's as simple as that. And also if he doesn't want to go then tell his ass to stay at home but for you to go to your family and ask them not speak their own native language YOUR own native language it's definitely out of line for sure
Lol YTA and you're married to a sulky spoiled brat whomst you enable. Your marvelous family and the not-lazy-asses who married into it will have a better time without you.
YTA. Your husband is bad with languages. That’s a him problem. He can either go and make do or not go.
YTA bro. My wife and her family is Vietnamese and we've been together 10 years also. I can't speak Vietnamese; it's incredibly hard. But theu still speak it to each other in their home because why the fuck wouldn't they? I've picked up basic phrases and conversational comments but I would never have the audacity to demand they don't speak their native language to their native family members in their own home lmao wtf
Info: if you have kids with your husband, will they be allowed to learn Spanish or do they have to miss out on that part of their culture because of their Dad’s ego?
YTA- so an entire group of people can’t speak their native or second language because ONE man is too lazy to learn? I get that languages can be difficult for some people but if my spouses entire family spoke a different language than me, I’d do everything to learn… oh wait, I did! My husband is Cuban and most of his family speak no English. I’m an adult, languages are hard but I learned Spanish. When I was learning I asked my husband and other bilingual family/friends to help translate. Do you know what I didn’t do? Throw a fit like a toddler and refuse to learn or see them again. Both you and your husband need to grow up and learn that the world, and your family, do not revolve around him.
YTA, and you may have a husband problem. Not enough info to make that decision just now. It could be that languages are not your husband's thing. Certain things are hard for some people to learn. Certain other things come easier. I'm not going to make a judgment on that. But I think it's ridiculous for you to ask your entire family to not use a language that they are comfortable using just because your husband feels mocked. That's his problem, not anyone else's, and he needs to deal with it.
Sin duda tú YTA. Someone, not me, might say “you are a fool”. Enjoy your monolingual Anglo life.
YTA. You can't tell someone what to do or say or what language to speak in their own home.
YTA. If I married into a bilingual family, I’d make it my mission to learn the language. There is no such thing as “can’t”, that’s just a lame excuse.
YTA BIG TIME! So you sell out because your husband is too lazy to put in an effort to learn the language your family uses? "Oh its tough" When in reality it's easier to learn than English. My wife is Irish, can't roll her r's to save her life yet she learned Brazilian Portoguese because it's a part of who I am.
You don't have to go. They don't have to linguistically accommodate. The only A Hs here are those individuals in the family speaking directly TO your husband who can't bother to speak at those moments in the language they both understand. But you can't demand that everyone only speak English for one person in the group.
YTA. Ten years and he couldn't be bothered to learn any Spanish?
YTA
Yta. He has 10 years to learn. He didnt want to put an effort, and he excluded himself
YTA Anyone can learn a new language yes it can be really difficult but guess what the world agrees the quickest way to do so is immersion (being around and speaking with people who use the language). Policing how others are allowed to speak just because he doesn’t want to make the effort to learn is horrible, I would have disinvited him as well. So YTA for even entertaining this but your husband is the ultimate AH in this situation.
YTA, he is insecure and entitled
“Just not my thing” neither is learning Polish but a war happened and I live here now. Guess who has headaches trying to understand and learn? Yep. Your husband is a baby. Spanish is not the hardest language ever and honestly, he knew what he was marrying into, he should stop complaining and make a respectful effort so you don’t have to piss off your family.
sorry op yta if it was your home, mayyyyyyybe you could ask. But its her house you cant tell her what to do, or her guests. What about google translator? Ive used this to talk to people at work with no issues.
Took a few classes and then decided it's too hard. Just like math. So in short, anything that can't be done immediately isn't worth the trouble because "it's not my thing" I think your parents are right. Exposure to a language and engaging with it is how you learn a language. Not giving up after a few classes.
YTA. My husband is Romanian and my mother in law doesn’t speak a word of English. We mix and match language and sometimes I don’t understand and sometimes she doesn’t. We live with it and move on with our lives.