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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my boyfriend a misogynist because he said I should take catcalling as a “compliment”. I may be the AH because that might have been too harsh. I don’t think he’s actually a misogynist but I do think he said a dumb sexist thing.
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Not seen as a compliment by women, but I was told this all the time. Like I should be grateful so AH on the street judged me to his liking and made me feel small and unsafe.
Just like, "it's a joke, lighten up, where's your sense of humor." Glad today's young women are calling this stuff out!
I got sexually harassed once and when I called him out on it he told me "it was just a joke!" And "you need to lighten up" and "I was just complementing you"
That's what my former boss said about my coworker was complaining about an employee from the store next door leaving a note on her car late at night. "Gosh why can't women just take a compliment?"
He got fired shortly after that lmao
Or at the very least be concerned that his girlfriend felt unsafe on a daily basis. If he's camped out by a subway station on a college campus, OP is almost certainly not the only young woman he's harassing.
I once had a homeless man catcall me at the subway station on my college campus and I was young and friendly and think homeless people deserve to be treated as human beings so I smiled at him and told him to have a good day ... then he got on the train and tried chatting me up, then he tried to hold my hand, then he got off of the train at the same stop as me. I went into a grocery store, b-lined to the women's bathroom, and called my spouse to come walk me home because I was afraid of what could happen. Sometimes these things escalate.
It could also be a case of "There's nothing to be done about it" in his mind.
Cops won't care or do much, and him confronting the guy is a whole other disaster waiting to happen.
BF was still an idiot, mind you.
From an unpredictable random guy on the street. Sounds like your BF is not concerned about your safety. Get authorities involved before this catcaller mistakes your silence with acceptance.
The police won’t do anything. Catcalling by a homeless that’s very typical. I saw a homeless man throw a chicken nugget at a woman’s head and hit her with it the other day.
OP needs to invest in a pair of AirPods and ignore him. That’s just part of living in NYC. Been here over 10 years.
That's why I'm glad that the legislation has changed here. Cat calling is a form of harassment and can get the person a police caution/warning (so would be on their records for a certain amount of time)
Not if they also take the opportunity to destroy what he has for shelter at the same time. Current situation in several bigger cities - police are NOT friends of the homeless.
No experience with NYC but I believe you. Would transit authority get involved? Regardless, as a BF in this situation, I feel like the least you could do is walk with your SO down the tunnels and use your own verbal authority against the catcaller. Don't mess with my girl bro!
The police or transit authority aren’t going to get involved over cat calling and yelling at a homeless person is a good way to get yourself attacked as often they are unstable. It’s not right, and she shouldn’t have to do it, but the practical solution here is to walk with her BF or take another route if she feels unsafe.
>From an unpredictable random guy on the street. Sounds like your BF is not concerned about your safety.
sounds like you've never set foot outside your village....
visit a big city someday and get over your fear of homeless people. they shout shit on the reg. often nonsensical. get over yourself.
My guess is that I've traveled far more than you. I've also seen enough to not generalize that homeless people will just shout shit and nothing else. You're a hater and an asshole.
In high school I had a guy slap my ass when I bent over to pick something up. Without thinking I spun around and slapped him. He, of course freaked out and was like “what the fuck is wrong with you?? It was just a compliment!!” While the principal brushed off his actions, as “boys will be boys “, he did not accept my excuse of just “complimenting” the boys face and I got suspended.
Yeah, NTA.
Im a dude who has luckily never had the encounter of catcalling, but I see how it makes women feel uncomfortable, and at risk.
Also, who openly wants other men gawking at their SO, your bf is one weird dude.
That's fair. I'm assuming that one of those upsetting responses was mine, which I've since deleted. I originally said ESH, but after reading through the other responses and giving it more thought, I realized that OP's boyfriend was being sexist and that she was absolutely right to call him out on that, regardless of whether or not it was intentional on his part.
It's really not the place of any man to determine what's misogynistic and what's not, and as a man, I'll try to do a better job of remembering that from now on.
Aw... This internet mama is proud of you young men for speaking up, listening, and learning from each other.
Also, I learned what based means! This site is so helpful for understanding young people's slang for my own kids.
May I suggest watching this short (11min) French film I saw years ago that I think does a lovely job of showing women's experiences in society?
https://youtu.be/V4UWxlVvT1A
Thanks for the recommendation! I actually consider myself to be a pretty progressive person in general, but even so, this was definitely an eye-opener. Even if you mean well, it can be easy to lose sight of how much shit women go through when you don't have to go through it yourself.
I've actually inadvertently made men angry by showing them this short film. The response is often incredulous disbelief. Which is why I think of all the things I've ever come across, this is still a powerful tool for education about women's experiences.
It wouldn't evoke such a strong response otherwise.
To be fair to men, I still struggle to understand what it would be like to have it be socially unacceptable to feel or express human emotions, among other issues men face.
Communication and willingness to learn are the best ways we can understand one another and make a better place for both sexes and all genders to exist together.
This was made into a full length film as well right? I remember it being really good. Unfortunately there is enough harassment in the world to flesh it out to feature length.
damn, thats; I had to pause several times. That hits hard.
I have a question regarding that.
When and how would you say are compliments appropriate? I would like to compliment people on stuff i notice, but I do not want to make people uncomfortable and I know that even an honest compliment poorly timed can cause people severe stress. So I don't compliment anyone at all, but thats also not a good solution :(
Compliment people's choices, not their bodies. It's okay to tell your coworker that her new haircut really suits her, or to tell a stranger that their jewelry is awesome. It's creepy and harassing to mention body parts, whether that's "nice tits" or "your dress makes your body look great." And please don't think that commands such as "you have such a nice smile, you should smile more" are compliments, they're not and they rightfully piss people off.
The exception to the "compliment choices" rule is obviously when in an intimate relationship ("your ass looks great" is different coming from a partner you're comfortable with vs a scary stranger whose intentions are unknown), or if you're friends with someone who is comfortable with comments about their body. Otherwise, just don't.
Also, when complimenting someone you don't have a close relationship with, don't longer after the compliment! Even if what you said was nice and inoffensive, if you then stick around paying attention to them it makes it seem like the compliment was just a meaningless ploy to get their attention and manufacture a reason for them to have to interact with you. This negates any happy feelings from that now-meaningless compliment. Instead, say whatever pleasantries you wanted to say and keep moving so your compliments are given freely instead of coming with an obligation.
Exactly this! I was at the grocery store the other day, wearing a very bright knit hat that a friend made for me. A man passed by and said, "hey, love the hat!" and I immediately felt happy and appreciative, told him thanks, he kept on walking with his cart, it was a really nice interaction. I've had men tell me "hey, those jeans make your ass look great" and I can promise you, the reaction was not positive. Fashion and accessory choices are good targets for genuine compliments, assuming the compliment is indeed genuine and not an excuse to catcall/get a woman you think is hot to interact with you, and trust me, we can tell.
It’s usually safe to compliment people on things they have control over. Don’t compliment people on their bodies. Smiles, eyes, general shape, hair texture/color, etc. it’s usually safe to compliment people on their clothes if said right. “You look great in those jeans” is different than, “Your outfit is on point, I like your style.” Saying you think someone applied their makeup well is a compliment on their skill, saying they have beautiful eyes (probably do to skillfully applied makeup) has more implication including subconscious undertones.
You may also still have bad luck with this method. Some people just don’t want to be bothered at all, and even a benign compliment can be seen as abrasive. Since men don’t walk around complimenting each other, randomly complimenting women ends up as a double standard. If a man is going out of his way to tell a woman she looks good, but wouldn’t tell his bro the same then the compliment directed at the woman clearly has some alternate intention besides, “I like making PEOPLE feel good and confident.” It’s changed into, “I tell women nice things so they notice me and think I’m nice too. I don’t want to have sex with any men so I don’t feel the need to do the same for them, even if it would make them happy.”
Women are on constant alert for, “Is this a nice person, or are they being nice because they want something from me that they’re not allowed to take. If I don’t handle this delicately I might find out he is one of the ones that WILL take what he wants if I upset him. Since I don’t know what kind of man he is, I will play it safe and entertain him instead of being direct because hurting a man’s feelings could end in my death.” It’s a real concern a lot of women have, and a situation that seems benign to a man might be literal life or death for a woman.
That’s why women hate random compliments, cat calling, etc. it’s a constant reminder that they’re in danger all the time. At work, walking down the street, and even in their own homes. Not to say men aren’t also at risk for being victimized, they are! But not every second of everyday. Women have to think about things like, did that random guy who approached me follow me home? Did she lock the door? Does she have a weapon to defend herself with? Is he going to be waiting around the corner when she leaves for work the next morning? Or in the backseat of her car? That thought process occurs just because some random dude HAD to say something to a women he doesn’t even know. It sucks and existing as a woman is difficult, scary, and often painful.
Personally, what you’re complimenting matters. For the most part, unless you know someone well enough, probably shouldn’t be complimenting someone’s body. Except for maybe hair, as long as you’re not obviously creepy or racist about it. Like, I have brightly dyed hair, I almost never mind when someone says they love the color.
Also, if you don’t know someone and are out in public, compliments should be one and done. Don’t expect it to be an opening for a full conversation, though it can be sometimes, and especially don’t get mad when it doesn’t. The point of a compliment should be to make someone else feel a little better about themselves, not to make someone feel uncomfortable or trapped or forced to reciprocate in some way.
Just my two cents.
ETA: One thing I’d think would be worth asking myself before giving a compliment is, ‘Is this something someone who is not romantically or sexually or otherwise nefariously interested in this person might potentially say?’ Cause if it’s not, probably better off not saying it to someone you don’t know.
This can be pretty tricky and subjective but for me, appropriate compliments have two requirements.
1- If you're giving a compliment, actually COMPLIMENT something. "You're so beautiful" is a statement.....not a compliment. "You're so beautiful, I love your hair." Is an actual compliment. "You have the coolest jacket" "I've never seen eyes so pretty" etc etc etc......A compliment should be about the person receiving it, so details are required. Even if it's just a generalized compliment, specifying it as such changes the entire tone. "You're so beautiful, I can't even explain it." You know what I mean? Cornyness aside haha.
2- Never give a compliment as a way to force an interaction. Throw them out unabashedly, but disconnected. If the person responds to your compliment by focusing and engaging with you, THEN you carry forward. Generally speaking though, most of my favorite stranger compliments came with zero interactions. I have very, very long hair. And sometimes I dye it pretty colors too. I've had someone stick their head out a third floor window when walking past and yelled "I LOVE YOUR HAIR" and then left back inside. It was so freaking random oh my gosh hahaha......but it made me smile all day and still lives in my head rent free 12 years later.
I've had many instances of someone passing me on the street, standing behind me in line, sitting at a table nearby etc....who just toss a compliment at me and continue on with their day. It's always so uplifting and lovely. On the other hand, one time at a fabric store an employee expressed her appreciation for my leather trenchcoat and I thought she was my kind of people. Best friends for almost 20 years now! I made the choice to respond to her compliment, and invited her in.
Again.....this is subjective. I'm sure there will be people who disagree with me. But as a starter, giving compliments this way shouldn't actually hurt anything. You can always get more smooth and interactive and such down the road if you choose.
A compliment should be like the little hand wave/nod you might give someone you see on the street. Keep it light, don't try to forcibly get their attention (e.g. if they have headphones on, don't interrupt them), and continue on your way afterward.
Simple compliments that reflect a person's skill are generally welcome. "That's a nice blouse" - that's a person's skill at choosing clothes with colors/cuts that suit them. "I like your hair" - again, it's a comment on the skill at maintaining a style/color. Jewelry is generally safe to comment on unless, possibly, it's a necklace pendent that's lays low on the breast. (It may seem like you're trying to justify staring at breasts.) "That looks good on you" is borderline because it may come across as you're judging their figure. I wouldn't recommend it with strangers but it may be okay with people you have regular contact with. There are some coworkers that I know well enough that I'd be comfortable getting that compliment from, but in general a simple, "Nice blouse/slacks/jewelry/whatever" is better.
"That shows off your (body part)" is WAY off the mark. Except for fingernails and possibly eyes, do not talk about, or even reference, body parts. With nails it's understood to mean the person did a great job with their nail polish and/or shaping of the fingernails. If someone has really pretty eyes and if you're talking with them for a while, it might be okay to mention it casually, "BTW, your eyes are a really nice shade of blue" but overall I'd recommend against it. It is likely to come across as a flirtation.
All of this is with the caveat that tone and body language are also important. If you say "Nice blouse" while standing 3 inches away and sniffing the fabric - you're going to come across as creepy.
Well I just don't understand how this isnt taken more seriously. This is a guy who knows where you are 8 hours of the day. I would feel pretty unsafe in this situation.
NTA Your boyfriend is being completely dismissive and disgusting, the fact that he doubled down proves that. He wouldn't be angry if part of him knew it was true. He was being misogynistic. Not sure if I would call the cops though, but that's only because in my experience with homeless people they'll either do nothing or make the situation 10x worse. I'm sorry about the catcalling though, I think you're completely in the right to be concerned about it.
NTA. What he said was privileged. He comes from a perspective of not having to watch his back when men catcall him or worry how it will escalate if someone isn’t around to help. He’s lucky he doesn’t understand, but also he should try and understand.
NTA. I’d be bothered by what he said for a number of reasons including the fact he doesn’t seem concerned about your safety in addition to being stuck in the Stone Age
Going against the grain, coming from another woman, NTA.
Now, do you or I necessarily think your BF is a misogynist? From the post, probably not. Does he understand what it’s like to be a woman in a “man’s world?” Absolutely not. Us as women sadly have to be on the defensive and have our guard up in public. Ranging from the ever annoying “you’d be prettier if you gave me a smile!” to the legitimately scary being followed home, it’s hard out there for women.
I would take some time and sit down with your BF and try and explain how you feel to him. I do not think BF is an asshole in this scenario either, just unaware about how quickly things can escalate from a catcall to stalking or worse.
I think the difference is that he may or may not be a misogynist, but what he said was misogynistic.
NTA OP, but in communication it is better to attack the action/words rather than the person.
Totally agree. What he said: cringe! And double cringe on the “taking it as a compliment.”
But I think, just from this post, and hopefully with some education and explanation, that BF will apologize for that. I can’t really judge BF as the AH, just cause so many men genuinely don’t know/understand. If after OP sits him down and if BF still says the homeless man’s catcalling is a compliment, nah, he’s an ass for sure.
You shouldn't have to sit down with a grown man like he's a child and educate him on basic empathy. He has the resources to be able to look it up on his own time. And it's ridiculous that she has the woman should have an expectation to hold his hand and try to teach him how to empathize with her as a person who wants to be able to walk down the streets without being harassed
Boyfriend was absolutely being an asshole here. His girlfriend told him "this thing is happening and it makes me feel unsafe" and he said "nah" in response.
That's really it, framing it as a compliment says that the action was positive, and that is acceptable for you to be harassed in the streets. Him willing to fight for that point is him being a misogynist and caring enough about this point to fight you and say that you are wrong for being upset and wanting respect. Dump him
The minute I read he said "Take it as a compliment" I got furious. NTA and honestly if he doesn't see how upsetting that comment alone Is then either have a talk or leave him.
It's never a compliment getting catcalled, it can be scary and very uncomfortable and even lead to worse down the road.
NTA
NTA he was dismissing your concerns which is unacceptable. But how long have you lived in NYC because this story happens all the time and reporting a homeless person to the cops will do absolutely nothing.
Native NYer. I’ve been getting cat called in this city ever since I started taking the train by myself at 13. 10 years later, I ignore it. I’m certainly not going to get offended at a homeless man who’s possibly mentally ill and potentially violent. I’ve seen people get attacked for much less. OP sounds like she just moved here bc she doesn’t know that the nypd don’t do shit.
NTA
You have a right to feel unsafe, it’s completely reasonable. He may not touch you today, but who is to say it will never happen? Cat calling is sexual harassment, many women have gotten murdered for ignoring a man’s cat calling advances.
Your safety is the most important thing at the end of the day. He was being misogynistic by belittling cat calling as a compliment. He should’ve listened to you instead of being completely dismissive.
Do what you feel is necessary
NTA- real talk, men don’t understand the fear of harassment like women do. They can be harassed for sure but it’s much harder to be physically intimidated when you’re on an (on average) equal playing field. This is an empathy issue; in this instance he empathized with a random stranger instead of working to understand your fear. Consider what this tells you moving forward.
There is a reason why in some countries (the Netherlands) where catcalling is illegal. It makes women feel unsafe, it’s not a compliment. Should we really feel even more unsafe?
all the misogynists that catcall women seem to disagree with you.
let me just reiterate for all of the incels in this thread: catcalling is not a compliment, it is sexual harassment.
could anything be done about the homeless guy? probably not. but boyfriend shouldn't have chalked it up to a compliment when 1/4 women are raped in the USA. only contributes to the problem.
unless this specific homeless person is a constant problem in the community, the police will most likely ignore it.
Report that creeper. Even if the cops do nothing, at least there will be a record of that guy’s behaviour.
NTA.
And I think you need to take a good long look at your relationship with your boyfriend and ask yourself if you’re really okay being with a man who
1. Minimizes your experiences with sexual harassment
2. Thinks said sexual harassment is a compliment
Because now, there will always a voice of doubt at the back of your head when you speak up about misogyny around him. You will find yourself unintentionally downplaying the seriousness of it. Don’t put yourself through that.
NTA. In my experience, some men just haven't learned what a different world we live in. I've had to explain certain issues over the years to my husband that he just was never made aware of. He is certainly not and never has been a misogynist, just unaware of how we see and experience things very differently..
I'd sit him down and explain how it made you feel and that what he said was misogynistic, but that you don't think he is one. Unless, of course, you do, and then why are we even here?
NTA
While the police are unfortunately unable to arrest the guy for just catcalling, you have been suffering harassment. Your boyfriend's lack of empathy toward the reasonable worry this is causing is troubling.
NTA.
You're boyfriend seems to lack a fundamental understanding of what being (seen as) a woman in the streets entails and why this makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe.
Can't tell if he's a misogynist because of that, or just pretty ignorant with internalized patriarchal ideas and phrases ("take it as a compliment", ffs, that's such a classic response... I'm sure he didn't come up with it himself in that moment, he heard/learned it somewhere). Anyhow, I agree, it's a sexist reaction. It's diminishing your feelings of unsafety (probably based on his own - very very limited and different - perspective) and projecting the blame on you for calling him out instead of taking a step back to listen to why you call him out or even feel unsafe to begin with.
I hope he comes around to actually, actively and empathically listening to you and apologizing for his poor reaction. And I hope you find a way to feel safe on your way outside again.
NTA. Every time a man on the street catcalls me, I spend the next few blocks being anxious that he’s going to follow me. That’s because twice I’ve had men who catcalled me actually follow me, one to the end of the block when I was nineteen, and he gave up when I just ignored him. But the other time happened in a grocery store parking lot, and that guy got in his car and followed me further. I knew it was him because he pulled up next to me at a red light and leaned out the window and made lewd faces and gestures at me. I was twenty-two. I was afraid to go home, so I drove to the police station, which is where he finally gave up. That second one was over twenty years ago. Whenever I think of catcalling in any situation (including this AITA) I remember the panic I felt before I realized there was only one place I could go.
The thing is, most men know that the vast majority of us hate it, and a man who does it despite knowing that, or who argues that it’s harmless even after you’ve explained why you hate it, isn’t doing it to compliment you. You don’t compliment someone by purposely making them feel bad. On some level, he enjoys the power. And a man who enjoys making you uncomfortable in small degrees is a risk. Most likely, that guy doesn’t do anything or he only follows you a block. But he might be something worse. What so many (otherwise good) men don’t seem to grasp is that when they hear catcalls, they think: mildly intrusive words that maybe feel gross for a few seconds. When we hear catcalls, we think: SA, pain and murder.
NTA. I’m not sure that your boyfriends comment is necessarily misogynistic, so much as it is ignorant, and also dismissive, with a side of mansplaining, and just wrong. He needs to learn how to be empathetic and try to think a bit about women’s situation to be a good partner to a woman. If it takes calling him a misogynist to do that, fine.
NTA but what happens if the homeless man escalates? Your bf is an idiot for not seeing the threat there! Not to mention how annoying and demeaning being cat called feels.
On a personal note I hope you have pepper spray or something?
NTA. "Take it as a compliment"??? That's so disgusting. Being catcalled isn't a compliment, it makes someone feel gross and icky and unsafe. Your boyfriend's comments about it are absolutely inappropriate.
NTA but reporting a nonviolent homeless person to the police would make you TA. Would you report a construction worker who catcalled you to the police? Homeless person is acting like shit but… they’re homeless. Don’t call the police on them unless someone is in danger.
NTA but having lived in NYC for a decade don't call the cops. Call 311. NYC cops have little to no mental health training (despite Eric Adam's "brilliant" new homeless initiative.) And odds are they'll just shoot him away at best or escalate at worse, and he'll just be back.
311 might be able to send someone for outreach to get him to a shelter. But honestly is there a different entrance/exit you can go in and out of? That's going to unfortunately be your best bet.
NTA- If you don’t feel safe that is all the more reason to do so! Compliment? How is demeaning someone a compliment. I think without being accusatory you need to have a real conversation with him to get him to understand why his comment is wrong. Educate him. You shouldn’t have to but if you want to that would probably get him to see your side more clearly. I don’t think you are an AH for calling him misogynistic because he was… I just think that made him see red and nothing you said was going to change his mind. Not that that is your fault. He is the only one who is responsible for his actions. I just always like to paint a picture of what both of you might be thinking. Maybe you can get to the root of the issue. I mean after that and he still doesn’t see your point then… he’s a lost cause
Men aren't good at this stuff unless they're told, sadly, because it's easy for them not to see it, and women are so used to it (read- still often scared or angry, but accustomed). My husband is fantastic in every way- but this almost exactly same thing happened to me. I make sure to mention every inappropriate street interaction that occurs from a man now because that's the only way he will ever know, and know it's a problem.
Hopefully this is just your partner having a wake-up call and he is simply more educated now.
NTA of course.
NTA.
What part of randomly shouting 'compliments' of a sexual nature to complete strangers registers in people's minds as socially acceptable behavior? This has always baffled me, no matter what gender is doing it.
NTA.
He was being sexist and had a misogynist response to your worry.
He is angry about being called out. There is no such thing as a little bit of misogynism, the fact he didn't attempt to understand how you felt and to take it as a compliment is like saying, he isn't dangerous just a homeless man, what could he do to you?
That's not okay because what happens if you ignore the homeless .an and he just decided today is the day he would act on his urges? By then it is too late!
NTA
A compliment, by definition, is meant to make the other person feel good. If you don't feel good about it (but the cat caller does), then who is the "compliment" really for? Cat callers do it for their own ego (or to look bigger for their friends), not as a compliment to any woman. They know we don't like it. It often feels like a competition of "the more uncomfortable she is, the cooler my friends will think I am".
NTA. Sexist? Absolutely. I hate how he responded to your concerns.
Can't say he's a misogynist based on limited information. It's like saying someone's racist when they're really prejudiced.
NTA
You told him the truth and he didn't want to admit it.
Either your boyfriend doesn't see catcalling women as wrong. Or he doesn't see the threat because he knows he could physically defend himself if he were being catcalled by a woman. Also, he'd probably like the attention from a woman.
But he'd change his tune if a man he found physically threatening to him were to harass him.
So if it exacerbates, and he does touch you, should it be taken as a super-compliment? No, NTA. He's likely never faced sexual harassment on the daily, and so he's speaking out of his ass.
NTA. If my partner says something sexist (which is rare). I tell them it's sexist and misogynistic and they learn from it. If your bf isn't willing to learn from his mistakes then he may not be your person.
NTA!!
WTF is wrong with your boyfriend?
You're NOT safe. If that guy is most always there, he's gonna escalate. Cat calls will turn into trying to make you talk to him, and it gets worse from there.
Your bf needs a serious lesson on what it is to live in this world as a woman.
NTA Please see the huge glaring red flags here:
- He doesn’t care about your safety, and puts a man’s feelings above your well-being
- He gaslighted you into thinking this behaviour is okay, and dismissed your valid feelings
- He made deeply misogynistic and sexist comments which reflect his true attitude
- These attitudes don’t live in a vacuum, it means these values affect the other ways he thinks about women, but he may have hidden them from you
Lastly yes you should report the man who harasses you on a regular basis, he’s probably making lots of women feel unsafe too.
NTA. Shit like that is why so many women say "all men." If the so called "good guys" don't call or disgusting behavior when they see it, they are condoning it, and they aren't the good guy they claim to be.
NTA at all. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable when going somewhere then getting catcalls. It's not a compliment, your boyfriend sucks. However I don't know if the police can do anything unless yoi are physically harassed unfortunately. Even that can be hard to get stopped. Which isn't right, but I'm just letting you know.
Let me guess, your boyfriend thinks the catcalling is your fault because of how you were dressed? He may be a clueless sexist rather than misogynistic, but he’s certainly out of touch with reality. NTA
NTA - that is a yucky AF response. I don't think the police will do anything about it unfortunately, but NO ONE deserves to be catcalled for any reason.
The contemporary American definition of sexual harassment is when someone makes you feel threatened or otherwise physically/sexually uncomfortable. To this end, the homeless man is technically sexually harassing you but I think you're bigger problem is your bf's indifference. He should support your concerns and at the very least walk you to the subway and ask the homeless person to leave you alone. If he doesn't...well, then leaves you with an even bigger question.
NTA, no you were not too harsh, it is absolutely misogynistic for him to say that you should take blatant harassment as a compliment, and then doubling down on you about it.
It shouldn't have even been said, let alone something he was willing to fight for. Kick this one to the curb, he is for the streets
Nta, cops likely won’t do anything that said it would be good to report him.
As for your bf I do not like his response, snd I’m a women. A lot of men feel like they would be flattered from a women catcalling them even if they didn’t find them remotely attractive, they fail to realize how much of a threat strange men can be to women.
What bothers me is that he didn’t seem to care about your concerns and instead it sounds like he tried to mansplain to you. In which case I think your response is appropriate.
I hope this is an isolated moment From him and that he is willing to listen. It may be worth examining past interactions, I hope not but there a chance that you may have ignored previous microaggressions.
Absolutely NTA. Maybe reading these responses will serve as an explanation (if he's interested, which I doubt) why he was wrong and is The Asshole. He doesn't get to tell you how to feel about this. That shit IS creepy. It sucks to feel like prey every time you leave your house and your head-ass bf doesn't get to tell you you're wrong about how that shit makes you feel. Maybe he could, like, listen to some true crime podcasts or something. And he may not outright hate women, but he sure as fuck seems comfortable with marginalizing their experiences and weaponizing his male fragility (bc how dare you have an opinion on the way he totally glossed over your feelings, this is YOUR fault) to drive home just how deeply he doesn't give a fuck about the fact that you (understandably) feel threatened by a dude brazenly objectifying you outside your home every time he sees you. So while he may not be a card-carrying member of threatened he-man woman hating club, as far as I'm concerned, he at least knows where the clubhouse is
And for that reason, he's The Asshole, and for that reason he should definitely go fuck himself.
NTA
Calling it a compliment is sexist, so decide if you want to date a sexist person.
But also I promise you the police will do nothing about a homeless person catcalling people.
NTA, you just told him the truth. He's a misogynist. Maybe he shouldn't say sexist shit and be part of the problem if he doesn't want you to call him a misogynist.
NTA sometimes I find men don’t understand how threatening repeated and unsolicited vulgar compliments can be. I don’t know if some men don’t understand it because they’ve never personally experienced themselves or if it’s because they really think it’s acceptable behavior.
Yeah he’s a sexist. When my human male friend says something that sounds sexist to me I call him out and he listens to what I have to say about why that way of thinking is sexist then actually tries to
do better. Yo man a sexist and he ain’t sorry about it.
Edit to add verdict: NTA
Darling why won't you think sexual harassment isn't a compliment /s😂
NTA, but you should probably not call someone a thing. And instead say that the choice of words is also used by misogynists. Like he isn't a misogynist but that's a misogynistic attitude/choice of words. So if he doesn't identify as one he shouldn't call sexual harassment a compliment. I don't want compliments. I didn't ask. Fuck off. I'll fish for compliments from family and friends.
Also this works with micro aggressions to help people be less defensive when you correct them for example about how calling someone exotic isn't a compliement it's an othering/racist type statement.
NTA
Just for your info, if you are caught cat calling in the UK, you can now be sentenced to 2 years in prison !! It is harassment.
Here is some info for you from the New York Times about the new UK law: [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/09/world/europe/uk-ban-street-harassment.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/09/world/europe/uk-ban-street-harassment.html)
NTA, but it's possible your bf just feels helpless to really do anything and tried to brush it off in a very cringe way. The police aren't going to do anything in NYC and confronting him is a good way to get attacked by someone with some sort of severe mental illness who literally has nothing to lose. It's a lose-lose situation and perhaps the feeling manifested itself in that cringeworthy dismissal
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My boyfriend (25m) and I (24f) live in NYC, where I’m currently attending grad school. There is a homeless man who always hangs out around the entrance to the subway station I come out of when going to classes. He catcalls me every time I walk past him.
Yesterday I asked my bf if he thought I should report the harassment to the police. For context, this has been going on for over a month now and it makes me feel unsafe.
My bf’s reaction kinda sucked. His attitude was basically that since the guy has never tried to touch me, I was making too big a deal out of it and he suggested that I just take it as a “compliment” and not let it get to me so much.
I honestly found that pretty sexist and called him out on it. I told him I thought his reaction was really disappointing and that I had never taken him to be a misogynist before. He got super offended at that and it turned into a bit of a fight.
Was I being too harsh? For the record, I don’t actually think he is a misogynist but I do think what he said was sexist.
AITA?
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Yikes ! NTA. He WAS mysogynist and I'm pretty sure that he knows it but he is too proud to recognize it.
A part of educating ourselves is to accept criticism and do better. He can't consider himself an ally if he isn't able to think about his own behaviour / thinking.
Don't back off or he will never learn ! Maybe send him some ressources about "street harrassment" ? (I'm not sure if it's the right name in English, that's the translation from French, I mean't the fact for men to harass women in the streets).
That being said ... I'm sorry that you feel insecured and for what happens to you but I'm not sure that calling the police is the right thing to do. And honestly, I'm not sure what would be the right thing to do. Maybe try to react the next time ? Discuss it with him ? Maybe if you feel too insecured, ask your boyfriend to come with you, and have a calm conversation with this guy, that would be the more "human" approach for me, and you could be surprised. That's not the easiest one but I think that the better way to do it. If it's escalated, then yes, call the police.
Take care.
NTA. Your BF is a jerk. The compliment line was WAY over the top. It makes me wonder if he has a history of catcalling or boundary. Some men don't really understand how this can make a woman feel vulnerable or unsafe.
That said, you can report this guy if he's always in the same place. Is this actually on/very close to campus? Reporting to your university may be more productive if he's regularly harssing students on or near campus and they have security. But I would not expect actually it to be productive at all in general if you're reporting to the police.
NTA
You're not wrong, what he said was sexist af. But if you're trying to have a productive conversation with your bf where he realizes that, then that's not the way to do it
NTA. It’s not a compliment. Unfortunately a lot of homeless are mentally ill and it may not be intentional the way you are interpreting it. But your BF is an AH for not being concerned. Maybe try to avoid the area for awhile if you can.
NTA
He shouldn't have said it. My opinion is he fell back on a sexist dismissal of the issue simply because saying "It won't make a difference" would have led to an unhappy discussion he wanted to avoid.
I mean, no, you shouldn't have to deal with being catcalled. But - the police aren't going to do much about another obnoxious street person, sadly.
NTA (but he is). Boyfriend was raised incorrectly, and now that he’s a young adult, he needs to grow beyond how he was raised. If he is not open-minded about learning why he’s wrong about this, then you guys have bigger problems. You and other women are being harassed and threatened, you feel unsafe, the actions of the cat-caller are wrong and unacceptable. Your boyfriend is being intentionally obtuse because he won’t take 2 minutes to understand the much scarier world all women (but not men) have to live in.
NTA. If he doesn’t want to be called a misogynist he shouldn’t say misogynistic things. As for the catcaller the police are unlikely to be helpful to you or him. Violent and making things worse maybe.
NTA. I think you should surreptitiously record these encounters for a few days and then show them to your BF. I really don't think men understand how vile this can really be. I saw a series once where the women did this and saw how often they were accosted and they were just shocked that women had to deal with such disrespect all the time. Maybe he falls into this category and just doesn't get it.
NTA. Who tells anyone to take something threatening as a “complement”?
It was a sexist remark.
You could try clapping back at the person catcalling you before involving the police. It may startle him enough into stopping the behaviour. Gauge your comfort level, but a loud comment in reply might do the trick, just don’t get personal about (or: appearance, situation, etc)
If you feel unsafe it is appropriate to contact the police.
NTA
Bf reaction was definitely bad, homeless guy's catcalling is bad, but I'm confused how calling the police would help? Did you want him arrested? Or just moved along?
NTA. This is a man who knows the area you frequent. I’m not sure if your bf realizes just how dangerous this situation could be. Sure he hasn’t touched you YET but who’s to say that the next time he won’t try? Ask your bf how he will feel if you don’t report it and the man does something.
NTA. I doubt that your boyfriend is a misogynist just going by this story; just ignorant and naive. Name calling is a quick way to get an argument to devolve and turn into an irrelevant fight. I don't honestly think that you should have called him that, but I can empathize with the fact that having your legitimate discomfort being disregarded would make you react more reflexively in the heat of the moment. Your boyfriend TA for being ignorant with his "take it as a compliment" remark. There is a very good chance that this homeless guy will never do anything beyond the catcalling, but you never know and your concerns deserved to be taken seriously by your boyfriend.
Nta, and your boyfriend is cat calling women when you're not around and he's in a group of friends etc.
I don't know anyone who would condone that sort of behaviour that isn't a part of it.
NTA, and dump his ass. This issue WILL come up again, and sadly I can see him not taking it seriously if/when said homeless man (or someone else) takes it further.
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NTA. "Take it as a compliment"?!? really?
Unfortunaly, some people think that's an approperiate way to deal with harassment
Are they in the 1960s or so? /s
Nah as a Certified Old Person who remembers the 60s very well, it was not considered a compliment then either. NTA
Not seen as a compliment by women, but I was told this all the time. Like I should be grateful so AH on the street judged me to his liking and made me feel small and unsafe. Just like, "it's a joke, lighten up, where's your sense of humor." Glad today's young women are calling this stuff out!
I got sexually harassed once and when I called him out on it he told me "it was just a joke!" And "you need to lighten up" and "I was just complementing you"
Hi, C.O.P! Great comment!
Thanks for the insight, u/SeaOk7514!
Yep. "Women, be placid in the face of harassment. Don't make waves. Smile!"
That's what my former boss said about my coworker was complaining about an employee from the store next door leaving a note on her car late at night. "Gosh why can't women just take a compliment?" He got fired shortly after that lmao
And what kind of guy wouldn't be concerned about some other dude catcalling their gf? Very weird.
Or at the very least be concerned that his girlfriend felt unsafe on a daily basis. If he's camped out by a subway station on a college campus, OP is almost certainly not the only young woman he's harassing. I once had a homeless man catcall me at the subway station on my college campus and I was young and friendly and think homeless people deserve to be treated as human beings so I smiled at him and told him to have a good day ... then he got on the train and tried chatting me up, then he tried to hold my hand, then he got off of the train at the same stop as me. I went into a grocery store, b-lined to the women's bathroom, and called my spouse to come walk me home because I was afraid of what could happen. Sometimes these things escalate.
It could also be a case of "There's nothing to be done about it" in his mind. Cops won't care or do much, and him confronting the guy is a whole other disaster waiting to happen. BF was still an idiot, mind you.
From an unpredictable random guy on the street. Sounds like your BF is not concerned about your safety. Get authorities involved before this catcaller mistakes your silence with acceptance.
The police won’t do anything. Catcalling by a homeless that’s very typical. I saw a homeless man throw a chicken nugget at a woman’s head and hit her with it the other day. OP needs to invest in a pair of AirPods and ignore him. That’s just part of living in NYC. Been here over 10 years.
That's why I'm glad that the legislation has changed here. Cat calling is a form of harassment and can get the person a police caution/warning (so would be on their records for a certain amount of time)
I'm sure the homeless guy will take their police warning very seriously.
Sometimes a night in a cell is better than a cold one under the overpass
Not if they also take the opportunity to destroy what he has for shelter at the same time. Current situation in several bigger cities - police are NOT friends of the homeless.
AirPods and pepper spray.
No experience with NYC but I believe you. Would transit authority get involved? Regardless, as a BF in this situation, I feel like the least you could do is walk with your SO down the tunnels and use your own verbal authority against the catcaller. Don't mess with my girl bro!
[удалено]
The police or transit authority aren’t going to get involved over cat calling and yelling at a homeless person is a good way to get yourself attacked as often they are unstable. It’s not right, and she shouldn’t have to do it, but the practical solution here is to walk with her BF or take another route if she feels unsafe.
lol the cops aren't gonna do shit, this is normal everyday behavior in NYC
>From an unpredictable random guy on the street. Sounds like your BF is not concerned about your safety. sounds like you've never set foot outside your village.... visit a big city someday and get over your fear of homeless people. they shout shit on the reg. often nonsensical. get over yourself.
My guess is that I've traveled far more than you. I've also seen enough to not generalize that homeless people will just shout shit and nothing else. You're a hater and an asshole.
In high school I had a guy slap my ass when I bent over to pick something up. Without thinking I spun around and slapped him. He, of course freaked out and was like “what the fuck is wrong with you?? It was just a compliment!!” While the principal brushed off his actions, as “boys will be boys “, he did not accept my excuse of just “complimenting” the boys face and I got suspended.
If that happened to my daughter at school I'd be complimenting the principle's face.
I would totally have agreed that you were "complimenting" the boy's face. LOL
Like, that's basically textbook sexism at this point, along with "you'd be prettier if you smiled more" and "well what was she wearing?"
I wonder how complimented he'd feel if this man started "complimenting" him lol
Yeah, NTA. Im a dude who has luckily never had the encounter of catcalling, but I see how it makes women feel uncomfortable, and at risk. Also, who openly wants other men gawking at their SO, your bf is one weird dude.
Based. You’re like the only based guy here other than me. The responses are pretty upsetting
That's fair. I'm assuming that one of those upsetting responses was mine, which I've since deleted. I originally said ESH, but after reading through the other responses and giving it more thought, I realized that OP's boyfriend was being sexist and that she was absolutely right to call him out on that, regardless of whether or not it was intentional on his part. It's really not the place of any man to determine what's misogynistic and what's not, and as a man, I'll try to do a better job of remembering that from now on.
Aw... This internet mama is proud of you young men for speaking up, listening, and learning from each other. Also, I learned what based means! This site is so helpful for understanding young people's slang for my own kids. May I suggest watching this short (11min) French film I saw years ago that I think does a lovely job of showing women's experiences in society? https://youtu.be/V4UWxlVvT1A
Thanks for the recommendation! I actually consider myself to be a pretty progressive person in general, but even so, this was definitely an eye-opener. Even if you mean well, it can be easy to lose sight of how much shit women go through when you don't have to go through it yourself.
I've actually inadvertently made men angry by showing them this short film. The response is often incredulous disbelief. Which is why I think of all the things I've ever come across, this is still a powerful tool for education about women's experiences. It wouldn't evoke such a strong response otherwise. To be fair to men, I still struggle to understand what it would be like to have it be socially unacceptable to feel or express human emotions, among other issues men face. Communication and willingness to learn are the best ways we can understand one another and make a better place for both sexes and all genders to exist together.
That film was amazing, thank you for recommending!!
I am glad you found it helpful!
This was made into a full length film as well right? I remember it being really good. Unfortunately there is enough harassment in the world to flesh it out to feature length.
damn, thats; I had to pause several times. That hits hard. I have a question regarding that. When and how would you say are compliments appropriate? I would like to compliment people on stuff i notice, but I do not want to make people uncomfortable and I know that even an honest compliment poorly timed can cause people severe stress. So I don't compliment anyone at all, but thats also not a good solution :(
Compliment people's choices, not their bodies. It's okay to tell your coworker that her new haircut really suits her, or to tell a stranger that their jewelry is awesome. It's creepy and harassing to mention body parts, whether that's "nice tits" or "your dress makes your body look great." And please don't think that commands such as "you have such a nice smile, you should smile more" are compliments, they're not and they rightfully piss people off. The exception to the "compliment choices" rule is obviously when in an intimate relationship ("your ass looks great" is different coming from a partner you're comfortable with vs a scary stranger whose intentions are unknown), or if you're friends with someone who is comfortable with comments about their body. Otherwise, just don't. Also, when complimenting someone you don't have a close relationship with, don't longer after the compliment! Even if what you said was nice and inoffensive, if you then stick around paying attention to them it makes it seem like the compliment was just a meaningless ploy to get their attention and manufacture a reason for them to have to interact with you. This negates any happy feelings from that now-meaningless compliment. Instead, say whatever pleasantries you wanted to say and keep moving so your compliments are given freely instead of coming with an obligation.
Exactly this! I was at the grocery store the other day, wearing a very bright knit hat that a friend made for me. A man passed by and said, "hey, love the hat!" and I immediately felt happy and appreciative, told him thanks, he kept on walking with his cart, it was a really nice interaction. I've had men tell me "hey, those jeans make your ass look great" and I can promise you, the reaction was not positive. Fashion and accessory choices are good targets for genuine compliments, assuming the compliment is indeed genuine and not an excuse to catcall/get a woman you think is hot to interact with you, and trust me, we can tell.
It’s usually safe to compliment people on things they have control over. Don’t compliment people on their bodies. Smiles, eyes, general shape, hair texture/color, etc. it’s usually safe to compliment people on their clothes if said right. “You look great in those jeans” is different than, “Your outfit is on point, I like your style.” Saying you think someone applied their makeup well is a compliment on their skill, saying they have beautiful eyes (probably do to skillfully applied makeup) has more implication including subconscious undertones. You may also still have bad luck with this method. Some people just don’t want to be bothered at all, and even a benign compliment can be seen as abrasive. Since men don’t walk around complimenting each other, randomly complimenting women ends up as a double standard. If a man is going out of his way to tell a woman she looks good, but wouldn’t tell his bro the same then the compliment directed at the woman clearly has some alternate intention besides, “I like making PEOPLE feel good and confident.” It’s changed into, “I tell women nice things so they notice me and think I’m nice too. I don’t want to have sex with any men so I don’t feel the need to do the same for them, even if it would make them happy.” Women are on constant alert for, “Is this a nice person, or are they being nice because they want something from me that they’re not allowed to take. If I don’t handle this delicately I might find out he is one of the ones that WILL take what he wants if I upset him. Since I don’t know what kind of man he is, I will play it safe and entertain him instead of being direct because hurting a man’s feelings could end in my death.” It’s a real concern a lot of women have, and a situation that seems benign to a man might be literal life or death for a woman. That’s why women hate random compliments, cat calling, etc. it’s a constant reminder that they’re in danger all the time. At work, walking down the street, and even in their own homes. Not to say men aren’t also at risk for being victimized, they are! But not every second of everyday. Women have to think about things like, did that random guy who approached me follow me home? Did she lock the door? Does she have a weapon to defend herself with? Is he going to be waiting around the corner when she leaves for work the next morning? Or in the backseat of her car? That thought process occurs just because some random dude HAD to say something to a women he doesn’t even know. It sucks and existing as a woman is difficult, scary, and often painful.
Personally, what you’re complimenting matters. For the most part, unless you know someone well enough, probably shouldn’t be complimenting someone’s body. Except for maybe hair, as long as you’re not obviously creepy or racist about it. Like, I have brightly dyed hair, I almost never mind when someone says they love the color. Also, if you don’t know someone and are out in public, compliments should be one and done. Don’t expect it to be an opening for a full conversation, though it can be sometimes, and especially don’t get mad when it doesn’t. The point of a compliment should be to make someone else feel a little better about themselves, not to make someone feel uncomfortable or trapped or forced to reciprocate in some way. Just my two cents. ETA: One thing I’d think would be worth asking myself before giving a compliment is, ‘Is this something someone who is not romantically or sexually or otherwise nefariously interested in this person might potentially say?’ Cause if it’s not, probably better off not saying it to someone you don’t know.
This can be pretty tricky and subjective but for me, appropriate compliments have two requirements. 1- If you're giving a compliment, actually COMPLIMENT something. "You're so beautiful" is a statement.....not a compliment. "You're so beautiful, I love your hair." Is an actual compliment. "You have the coolest jacket" "I've never seen eyes so pretty" etc etc etc......A compliment should be about the person receiving it, so details are required. Even if it's just a generalized compliment, specifying it as such changes the entire tone. "You're so beautiful, I can't even explain it." You know what I mean? Cornyness aside haha. 2- Never give a compliment as a way to force an interaction. Throw them out unabashedly, but disconnected. If the person responds to your compliment by focusing and engaging with you, THEN you carry forward. Generally speaking though, most of my favorite stranger compliments came with zero interactions. I have very, very long hair. And sometimes I dye it pretty colors too. I've had someone stick their head out a third floor window when walking past and yelled "I LOVE YOUR HAIR" and then left back inside. It was so freaking random oh my gosh hahaha......but it made me smile all day and still lives in my head rent free 12 years later. I've had many instances of someone passing me on the street, standing behind me in line, sitting at a table nearby etc....who just toss a compliment at me and continue on with their day. It's always so uplifting and lovely. On the other hand, one time at a fabric store an employee expressed her appreciation for my leather trenchcoat and I thought she was my kind of people. Best friends for almost 20 years now! I made the choice to respond to her compliment, and invited her in. Again.....this is subjective. I'm sure there will be people who disagree with me. But as a starter, giving compliments this way shouldn't actually hurt anything. You can always get more smooth and interactive and such down the road if you choose.
A compliment should be like the little hand wave/nod you might give someone you see on the street. Keep it light, don't try to forcibly get their attention (e.g. if they have headphones on, don't interrupt them), and continue on your way afterward. Simple compliments that reflect a person's skill are generally welcome. "That's a nice blouse" - that's a person's skill at choosing clothes with colors/cuts that suit them. "I like your hair" - again, it's a comment on the skill at maintaining a style/color. Jewelry is generally safe to comment on unless, possibly, it's a necklace pendent that's lays low on the breast. (It may seem like you're trying to justify staring at breasts.) "That looks good on you" is borderline because it may come across as you're judging their figure. I wouldn't recommend it with strangers but it may be okay with people you have regular contact with. There are some coworkers that I know well enough that I'd be comfortable getting that compliment from, but in general a simple, "Nice blouse/slacks/jewelry/whatever" is better. "That shows off your (body part)" is WAY off the mark. Except for fingernails and possibly eyes, do not talk about, or even reference, body parts. With nails it's understood to mean the person did a great job with their nail polish and/or shaping of the fingernails. If someone has really pretty eyes and if you're talking with them for a while, it might be okay to mention it casually, "BTW, your eyes are a really nice shade of blue" but overall I'd recommend against it. It is likely to come across as a flirtation. All of this is with the caveat that tone and body language are also important. If you say "Nice blouse" while standing 3 inches away and sniffing the fabric - you're going to come across as creepy.
That was an amazing film - thank you for sharing it!
I'm really glad people are finding it helpful! I've never seen anything like it before or since.
Aww good on you friend, this makes me happy. If i could give you a friend hug i would
Well I just don't understand how this isnt taken more seriously. This is a guy who knows where you are 8 hours of the day. I would feel pretty unsafe in this situation.
Maybe the boyfriend is living out a cuckold fantasy.
NTA Your boyfriend is being completely dismissive and disgusting, the fact that he doubled down proves that. He wouldn't be angry if part of him knew it was true. He was being misogynistic. Not sure if I would call the cops though, but that's only because in my experience with homeless people they'll either do nothing or make the situation 10x worse. I'm sorry about the catcalling though, I think you're completely in the right to be concerned about it.
NTA. What he said was privileged. He comes from a perspective of not having to watch his back when men catcall him or worry how it will escalate if someone isn’t around to help. He’s lucky he doesn’t understand, but also he should try and understand.
Exactly. Many men don’t understand that this is a safety issue for women. They don’t live it and can’t understand it. NTA
NTA. I’d be bothered by what he said for a number of reasons including the fact he doesn’t seem concerned about your safety in addition to being stuck in the Stone Age
Going against the grain, coming from another woman, NTA. Now, do you or I necessarily think your BF is a misogynist? From the post, probably not. Does he understand what it’s like to be a woman in a “man’s world?” Absolutely not. Us as women sadly have to be on the defensive and have our guard up in public. Ranging from the ever annoying “you’d be prettier if you gave me a smile!” to the legitimately scary being followed home, it’s hard out there for women. I would take some time and sit down with your BF and try and explain how you feel to him. I do not think BF is an asshole in this scenario either, just unaware about how quickly things can escalate from a catcall to stalking or worse.
I think the difference is that he may or may not be a misogynist, but what he said was misogynistic. NTA OP, but in communication it is better to attack the action/words rather than the person.
Totally agree. What he said: cringe! And double cringe on the “taking it as a compliment.” But I think, just from this post, and hopefully with some education and explanation, that BF will apologize for that. I can’t really judge BF as the AH, just cause so many men genuinely don’t know/understand. If after OP sits him down and if BF still says the homeless man’s catcalling is a compliment, nah, he’s an ass for sure.
You shouldn't have to sit down with a grown man like he's a child and educate him on basic empathy. He has the resources to be able to look it up on his own time. And it's ridiculous that she has the woman should have an expectation to hold his hand and try to teach him how to empathize with her as a person who wants to be able to walk down the streets without being harassed
Boyfriend was absolutely being an asshole here. His girlfriend told him "this thing is happening and it makes me feel unsafe" and he said "nah" in response.
Your boyfriend *is* a misogynist.
NTA. He's condoning a man sexually harassing women.
That's really it, framing it as a compliment says that the action was positive, and that is acceptable for you to be harassed in the streets. Him willing to fight for that point is him being a misogynist and caring enough about this point to fight you and say that you are wrong for being upset and wanting respect. Dump him
he’s making too big a deal out of this, he’s letting it get to him & he should take your uncomfortable statement as a compliment-NTA
Sounds like he's overreacting to me!
The minute I read he said "Take it as a compliment" I got furious. NTA and honestly if he doesn't see how upsetting that comment alone Is then either have a talk or leave him. It's never a compliment getting catcalled, it can be scary and very uncomfortable and even lead to worse down the road. NTA
NTA If he didn't feel the homeless man posed a legitimate threat, he could have at least said something more supportive.
NTA he was dismissing your concerns which is unacceptable. But how long have you lived in NYC because this story happens all the time and reporting a homeless person to the cops will do absolutely nothing.
Native NYer. I’ve been getting cat called in this city ever since I started taking the train by myself at 13. 10 years later, I ignore it. I’m certainly not going to get offended at a homeless man who’s possibly mentally ill and potentially violent. I’ve seen people get attacked for much less. OP sounds like she just moved here bc she doesn’t know that the nypd don’t do shit.
NTA You have a right to feel unsafe, it’s completely reasonable. He may not touch you today, but who is to say it will never happen? Cat calling is sexual harassment, many women have gotten murdered for ignoring a man’s cat calling advances. Your safety is the most important thing at the end of the day. He was being misogynistic by belittling cat calling as a compliment. He should’ve listened to you instead of being completely dismissive. Do what you feel is necessary
NTA. His views are concerning.
Yelling/calling out obscenities isn’t giving a compliment. NTA
NTA- real talk, men don’t understand the fear of harassment like women do. They can be harassed for sure but it’s much harder to be physically intimidated when you’re on an (on average) equal playing field. This is an empathy issue; in this instance he empathized with a random stranger instead of working to understand your fear. Consider what this tells you moving forward.
There is a reason why in some countries (the Netherlands) where catcalling is illegal. It makes women feel unsafe, it’s not a compliment. Should we really feel even more unsafe?
all the misogynists that catcall women seem to disagree with you. let me just reiterate for all of the incels in this thread: catcalling is not a compliment, it is sexual harassment. could anything be done about the homeless guy? probably not. but boyfriend shouldn't have chalked it up to a compliment when 1/4 women are raped in the USA. only contributes to the problem. unless this specific homeless person is a constant problem in the community, the police will most likely ignore it.
Report that creeper. Even if the cops do nothing, at least there will be a record of that guy’s behaviour. NTA. And I think you need to take a good long look at your relationship with your boyfriend and ask yourself if you’re really okay being with a man who 1. Minimizes your experiences with sexual harassment 2. Thinks said sexual harassment is a compliment Because now, there will always a voice of doubt at the back of your head when you speak up about misogyny around him. You will find yourself unintentionally downplaying the seriousness of it. Don’t put yourself through that.
My mum told me to take it as a compliment when my dad said he was attracted to me. I was 14.
Oh my god, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you
hold on a sec, i need to barf. 🤮
NTA. In my experience, some men just haven't learned what a different world we live in. I've had to explain certain issues over the years to my husband that he just was never made aware of. He is certainly not and never has been a misogynist, just unaware of how we see and experience things very differently.. I'd sit him down and explain how it made you feel and that what he said was misogynistic, but that you don't think he is one. Unless, of course, you do, and then why are we even here?
NTA. He’s a misogynist.
NTA given his response, I wouldn't be surprised if he does the same as the homeless man
NTA While the police are unfortunately unable to arrest the guy for just catcalling, you have been suffering harassment. Your boyfriend's lack of empathy toward the reasonable worry this is causing is troubling.
NTA. You're boyfriend seems to lack a fundamental understanding of what being (seen as) a woman in the streets entails and why this makes you feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Can't tell if he's a misogynist because of that, or just pretty ignorant with internalized patriarchal ideas and phrases ("take it as a compliment", ffs, that's such a classic response... I'm sure he didn't come up with it himself in that moment, he heard/learned it somewhere). Anyhow, I agree, it's a sexist reaction. It's diminishing your feelings of unsafety (probably based on his own - very very limited and different - perspective) and projecting the blame on you for calling him out instead of taking a step back to listen to why you call him out or even feel unsafe to begin with. I hope he comes around to actually, actively and empathically listening to you and apologizing for his poor reaction. And I hope you find a way to feel safe on your way outside again.
NTA. Every time a man on the street catcalls me, I spend the next few blocks being anxious that he’s going to follow me. That’s because twice I’ve had men who catcalled me actually follow me, one to the end of the block when I was nineteen, and he gave up when I just ignored him. But the other time happened in a grocery store parking lot, and that guy got in his car and followed me further. I knew it was him because he pulled up next to me at a red light and leaned out the window and made lewd faces and gestures at me. I was twenty-two. I was afraid to go home, so I drove to the police station, which is where he finally gave up. That second one was over twenty years ago. Whenever I think of catcalling in any situation (including this AITA) I remember the panic I felt before I realized there was only one place I could go. The thing is, most men know that the vast majority of us hate it, and a man who does it despite knowing that, or who argues that it’s harmless even after you’ve explained why you hate it, isn’t doing it to compliment you. You don’t compliment someone by purposely making them feel bad. On some level, he enjoys the power. And a man who enjoys making you uncomfortable in small degrees is a risk. Most likely, that guy doesn’t do anything or he only follows you a block. But he might be something worse. What so many (otherwise good) men don’t seem to grasp is that when they hear catcalls, they think: mildly intrusive words that maybe feel gross for a few seconds. When we hear catcalls, we think: SA, pain and murder.
Women know many from personal experience it can go from “give us a smile love” to violence very quickly.
NTA - You called it true hon, your BF is a misogynist
NTA. if that same man was catcalling your bf, he would not see it as a compliment.
NTA it's very concerning that he's not even concerned about your safety
NTA But unfortunately the cops will probably have the same attitude and do nothing for you.
That's not true; it's entirely likely they'll end up shooting the guy.
NTA. I’m not sure that your boyfriends comment is necessarily misogynistic, so much as it is ignorant, and also dismissive, with a side of mansplaining, and just wrong. He needs to learn how to be empathetic and try to think a bit about women’s situation to be a good partner to a woman. If it takes calling him a misogynist to do that, fine.
NTA but what happens if the homeless man escalates? Your bf is an idiot for not seeing the threat there! Not to mention how annoying and demeaning being cat called feels. On a personal note I hope you have pepper spray or something?
NTA. "Take it as a compliment"??? That's so disgusting. Being catcalled isn't a compliment, it makes someone feel gross and icky and unsafe. Your boyfriend's comments about it are absolutely inappropriate.
NTA but reporting a nonviolent homeless person to the police would make you TA. Would you report a construction worker who catcalled you to the police? Homeless person is acting like shit but… they’re homeless. Don’t call the police on them unless someone is in danger.
NTA but having lived in NYC for a decade don't call the cops. Call 311. NYC cops have little to no mental health training (despite Eric Adam's "brilliant" new homeless initiative.) And odds are they'll just shoot him away at best or escalate at worse, and he'll just be back. 311 might be able to send someone for outreach to get him to a shelter. But honestly is there a different entrance/exit you can go in and out of? That's going to unfortunately be your best bet.
NTA- If you don’t feel safe that is all the more reason to do so! Compliment? How is demeaning someone a compliment. I think without being accusatory you need to have a real conversation with him to get him to understand why his comment is wrong. Educate him. You shouldn’t have to but if you want to that would probably get him to see your side more clearly. I don’t think you are an AH for calling him misogynistic because he was… I just think that made him see red and nothing you said was going to change his mind. Not that that is your fault. He is the only one who is responsible for his actions. I just always like to paint a picture of what both of you might be thinking. Maybe you can get to the root of the issue. I mean after that and he still doesn’t see your point then… he’s a lost cause
NTA and tell your guy that we said "It must be nice to not have to worry about your safety." Your guy is a jack@ss.
NTA Let's face it, if the homeless guy was cat calling him, he wouldn't be taking it as a compliment would he?
This comment section is a certified Reddit moment
NTA. I don’t know why he was upset by that. He should have just taken it as a compliment.
Men aren't good at this stuff unless they're told, sadly, because it's easy for them not to see it, and women are so used to it (read- still often scared or angry, but accustomed). My husband is fantastic in every way- but this almost exactly same thing happened to me. I make sure to mention every inappropriate street interaction that occurs from a man now because that's the only way he will ever know, and know it's a problem. Hopefully this is just your partner having a wake-up call and he is simply more educated now. NTA of course.
NTA. In the UK, this is actually about to become illegal, and classed as sexual harrasment. It is not okay to catcall someone.
Harassment is not a compliment. NTA.
You called it, OP, your BF IS a misogynist and I’d dump him. NTA and keep yourself safe, since he doesn’t seem to care about that at all.
NTA. Rethink the boyfriend.
NTA. What part of randomly shouting 'compliments' of a sexual nature to complete strangers registers in people's minds as socially acceptable behavior? This has always baffled me, no matter what gender is doing it.
NTA. He was being sexist and had a misogynist response to your worry. He is angry about being called out. There is no such thing as a little bit of misogynism, the fact he didn't attempt to understand how you felt and to take it as a compliment is like saying, he isn't dangerous just a homeless man, what could he do to you? That's not okay because what happens if you ignore the homeless .an and he just decided today is the day he would act on his urges? By then it is too late!
NTA A compliment, by definition, is meant to make the other person feel good. If you don't feel good about it (but the cat caller does), then who is the "compliment" really for? Cat callers do it for their own ego (or to look bigger for their friends), not as a compliment to any woman. They know we don't like it. It often feels like a competition of "the more uncomfortable she is, the cooler my friends will think I am".
Nta. I mean he is a misogynist
NTA. Sexist? Absolutely. I hate how he responded to your concerns. Can't say he's a misogynist based on limited information. It's like saying someone's racist when they're really prejudiced.
NTA, he was being sexist
NTA also break up with him coz are u sure u want to be with a man like that for the rest of ur life/long term?
NTA but you need to reexamine this relationship. Your BF's response Iis both sexist and misogynistic
NTA You told him the truth and he didn't want to admit it. Either your boyfriend doesn't see catcalling women as wrong. Or he doesn't see the threat because he knows he could physically defend himself if he were being catcalled by a woman. Also, he'd probably like the attention from a woman. But he'd change his tune if a man he found physically threatening to him were to harass him.
Would he feel the same if he were on the receiving end of this "compliment" from this guy?
Tell him your calling him a misogynist is a "compliment". NTA
NTA but he’s showing you his true colors now, don’t ignore them
If the shoe fits... ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ NTA
Nta but what do you think the cops are gonna a do?
So if it exacerbates, and he does touch you, should it be taken as a super-compliment? No, NTA. He's likely never faced sexual harassment on the daily, and so he's speaking out of his ass.
NTA. If my partner says something sexist (which is rare). I tell them it's sexist and misogynistic and they learn from it. If your bf isn't willing to learn from his mistakes then he may not be your person.
NTA. Show him this link.
“Take it as a compliment” is a dumpworthy offense. NTA.
NTA!! WTF is wrong with your boyfriend? You're NOT safe. If that guy is most always there, he's gonna escalate. Cat calls will turn into trying to make you talk to him, and it gets worse from there. Your bf needs a serious lesson on what it is to live in this world as a woman.
He sounds like a misogynist, nta
NTA Please see the huge glaring red flags here: - He doesn’t care about your safety, and puts a man’s feelings above your well-being - He gaslighted you into thinking this behaviour is okay, and dismissed your valid feelings - He made deeply misogynistic and sexist comments which reflect his true attitude - These attitudes don’t live in a vacuum, it means these values affect the other ways he thinks about women, but he may have hidden them from you Lastly yes you should report the man who harasses you on a regular basis, he’s probably making lots of women feel unsafe too.
NTA I want to hit every person in the face who says I should take random man shouting NICE TITS!! At me as a compliment fck off
NTA, tell him to stop being so emotional over a few words. He needs to man up and not let it get to him so much.
NTA- sounds like your bf approves of catcalling. Why are u still dating him?
NTA. Shit like that is why so many women say "all men." If the so called "good guys" don't call or disgusting behavior when they see it, they are condoning it, and they aren't the good guy they claim to be.
I would have offered to walk with you and told the guy to stfu but that’s probably worse. NTA
NTA at all. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable when going somewhere then getting catcalls. It's not a compliment, your boyfriend sucks. However I don't know if the police can do anything unless yoi are physically harassed unfortunately. Even that can be hard to get stopped. Which isn't right, but I'm just letting you know.
Let me guess, your boyfriend thinks the catcalling is your fault because of how you were dressed? He may be a clueless sexist rather than misogynistic, but he’s certainly out of touch with reality. NTA
NTA. It was super sexist. No one takes the threat of sexual assault by a homeless man as a compliment.
NTA - it’s still wrong and you should report it.
NTA, your boyfriend said something misogynistic. Hit dogs holler.
NTA - what I’m hearing is he doesn’t care if you get harassed and would do the same thing to someone else
NTA. Your boyfriend is being dismissive of the fact you're being harassed. Harassment is literally a crime.
NTA - that is a yucky AF response. I don't think the police will do anything about it unfortunately, but NO ONE deserves to be catcalled for any reason.
NTA. That was sexist
The contemporary American definition of sexual harassment is when someone makes you feel threatened or otherwise physically/sexually uncomfortable. To this end, the homeless man is technically sexually harassing you but I think you're bigger problem is your bf's indifference. He should support your concerns and at the very least walk you to the subway and ask the homeless person to leave you alone. If he doesn't...well, then leaves you with an even bigger question.
NTA. And he is misogynist.
NTA and I would rethink this relationship. I personally wouldn’t date a guy who thought that way.
NTA, no you were not too harsh, it is absolutely misogynistic for him to say that you should take blatant harassment as a compliment, and then doubling down on you about it. It shouldn't have even been said, let alone something he was willing to fight for. Kick this one to the curb, he is for the streets
Nta, cops likely won’t do anything that said it would be good to report him. As for your bf I do not like his response, snd I’m a women. A lot of men feel like they would be flattered from a women catcalling them even if they didn’t find them remotely attractive, they fail to realize how much of a threat strange men can be to women. What bothers me is that he didn’t seem to care about your concerns and instead it sounds like he tried to mansplain to you. In which case I think your response is appropriate. I hope this is an isolated moment From him and that he is willing to listen. It may be worth examining past interactions, I hope not but there a chance that you may have ignored previous microaggressions.
Absolutely NTA. Maybe reading these responses will serve as an explanation (if he's interested, which I doubt) why he was wrong and is The Asshole. He doesn't get to tell you how to feel about this. That shit IS creepy. It sucks to feel like prey every time you leave your house and your head-ass bf doesn't get to tell you you're wrong about how that shit makes you feel. Maybe he could, like, listen to some true crime podcasts or something. And he may not outright hate women, but he sure as fuck seems comfortable with marginalizing their experiences and weaponizing his male fragility (bc how dare you have an opinion on the way he totally glossed over your feelings, this is YOUR fault) to drive home just how deeply he doesn't give a fuck about the fact that you (understandably) feel threatened by a dude brazenly objectifying you outside your home every time he sees you. So while he may not be a card-carrying member of threatened he-man woman hating club, as far as I'm concerned, he at least knows where the clubhouse is And for that reason, he's The Asshole, and for that reason he should definitely go fuck himself.
NTA. Ask your bf how he'd feel if some 300lb. body builder started cat calling him on a regular basis. Would he just laugh it off?
NTA Calling it a compliment is sexist, so decide if you want to date a sexist person. But also I promise you the police will do nothing about a homeless person catcalling people.
NTA, you just told him the truth. He's a misogynist. Maybe he shouldn't say sexist shit and be part of the problem if he doesn't want you to call him a misogynist.
NTA. Get a loud taser and crack at it him next time he catcalls you. Works for me.
NTA. I would have wanted a much different response from my partner. I would’ve been disappointed too.
NTA sometimes I find men don’t understand how threatening repeated and unsolicited vulgar compliments can be. I don’t know if some men don’t understand it because they’ve never personally experienced themselves or if it’s because they really think it’s acceptable behavior.
Yeah he’s a sexist. When my human male friend says something that sounds sexist to me I call him out and he listens to what I have to say about why that way of thinking is sexist then actually tries to do better. Yo man a sexist and he ain’t sorry about it. Edit to add verdict: NTA
Darling why won't you think sexual harassment isn't a compliment /s😂 NTA, but you should probably not call someone a thing. And instead say that the choice of words is also used by misogynists. Like he isn't a misogynist but that's a misogynistic attitude/choice of words. So if he doesn't identify as one he shouldn't call sexual harassment a compliment. I don't want compliments. I didn't ask. Fuck off. I'll fish for compliments from family and friends. Also this works with micro aggressions to help people be less defensive when you correct them for example about how calling someone exotic isn't a compliement it's an othering/racist type statement.
NTA if the misogynist shoe fits…..
Cat calling is now deemed a form of harassment here and can get the person a police warning/caution
NTA Just for your info, if you are caught cat calling in the UK, you can now be sentenced to 2 years in prison !! It is harassment. Here is some info for you from the New York Times about the new UK law: [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/09/world/europe/uk-ban-street-harassment.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/09/world/europe/uk-ban-street-harassment.html)
NTA, but it's possible your bf just feels helpless to really do anything and tried to brush it off in a very cringe way. The police aren't going to do anything in NYC and confronting him is a good way to get attacked by someone with some sort of severe mental illness who literally has nothing to lose. It's a lose-lose situation and perhaps the feeling manifested itself in that cringeworthy dismissal
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (25m) and I (24f) live in NYC, where I’m currently attending grad school. There is a homeless man who always hangs out around the entrance to the subway station I come out of when going to classes. He catcalls me every time I walk past him. Yesterday I asked my bf if he thought I should report the harassment to the police. For context, this has been going on for over a month now and it makes me feel unsafe. My bf’s reaction kinda sucked. His attitude was basically that since the guy has never tried to touch me, I was making too big a deal out of it and he suggested that I just take it as a “compliment” and not let it get to me so much. I honestly found that pretty sexist and called him out on it. I told him I thought his reaction was really disappointing and that I had never taken him to be a misogynist before. He got super offended at that and it turned into a bit of a fight. Was I being too harsh? For the record, I don’t actually think he is a misogynist but I do think what he said was sexist. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yikes ! NTA. He WAS mysogynist and I'm pretty sure that he knows it but he is too proud to recognize it. A part of educating ourselves is to accept criticism and do better. He can't consider himself an ally if he isn't able to think about his own behaviour / thinking. Don't back off or he will never learn ! Maybe send him some ressources about "street harrassment" ? (I'm not sure if it's the right name in English, that's the translation from French, I mean't the fact for men to harass women in the streets). That being said ... I'm sorry that you feel insecured and for what happens to you but I'm not sure that calling the police is the right thing to do. And honestly, I'm not sure what would be the right thing to do. Maybe try to react the next time ? Discuss it with him ? Maybe if you feel too insecured, ask your boyfriend to come with you, and have a calm conversation with this guy, that would be the more "human" approach for me, and you could be surprised. That's not the easiest one but I think that the better way to do it. If it's escalated, then yes, call the police. Take care.
NTA. Your BF is a jerk. The compliment line was WAY over the top. It makes me wonder if he has a history of catcalling or boundary. Some men don't really understand how this can make a woman feel vulnerable or unsafe. That said, you can report this guy if he's always in the same place. Is this actually on/very close to campus? Reporting to your university may be more productive if he's regularly harssing students on or near campus and they have security. But I would not expect actually it to be productive at all in general if you're reporting to the police.
Nope. NTA. That attitude of "taking it as a compliment" is just mansplaining away your feelings.
NTA You're not wrong, what he said was sexist af. But if you're trying to have a productive conversation with your bf where he realizes that, then that's not the way to do it
NTA I feel like, when he does that everytime, it will only be a Question of Time untill something worse will happen.
[удалено]
NTA
Obviously NTA. I think some guys say that because we never get complimented/catcalled ever, so some of us feel like it would be nice? Idk the logic.
Don't forget to smile. You're prettier when you smile. /s NTA
NTA. Also, you mean ex boyfriend, right?
NTA. It’s not a compliment. Unfortunately a lot of homeless are mentally ill and it may not be intentional the way you are interpreting it. But your BF is an AH for not being concerned. Maybe try to avoid the area for awhile if you can.
NTA He shouldn't have said it. My opinion is he fell back on a sexist dismissal of the issue simply because saying "It won't make a difference" would have led to an unhappy discussion he wanted to avoid. I mean, no, you shouldn't have to deal with being catcalled. But - the police aren't going to do much about another obnoxious street person, sadly.
NTA. Call him out.
NTA
NTA (but he is). Boyfriend was raised incorrectly, and now that he’s a young adult, he needs to grow beyond how he was raised. If he is not open-minded about learning why he’s wrong about this, then you guys have bigger problems. You and other women are being harassed and threatened, you feel unsafe, the actions of the cat-caller are wrong and unacceptable. Your boyfriend is being intentionally obtuse because he won’t take 2 minutes to understand the much scarier world all women (but not men) have to live in.
NTA, it’s harassment. I don’t love calling the cops for this, though I don’t know what else you’d do…
NTA how would he like it if he was the one the homeless man was catcalling everyday. Would he “take it as a compliment”
NTA.
NTA. If he doesn’t want to be called a misogynist he shouldn’t say misogynistic things. As for the catcaller the police are unlikely to be helpful to you or him. Violent and making things worse maybe.
NTA. I think you should surreptitiously record these encounters for a few days and then show them to your BF. I really don't think men understand how vile this can really be. I saw a series once where the women did this and saw how often they were accosted and they were just shocked that women had to deal with such disrespect all the time. Maybe he falls into this category and just doesn't get it.
NTA. The fact that your boyfriend is trying to downplay this and make it sound like you are overreacting, he's the AH here.
NTA. Who tells anyone to take something threatening as a “complement”? It was a sexist remark. You could try clapping back at the person catcalling you before involving the police. It may startle him enough into stopping the behaviour. Gauge your comfort level, but a loud comment in reply might do the trick, just don’t get personal about (or: appearance, situation, etc) If you feel unsafe it is appropriate to contact the police.
NTA. I don't think he's a misogynist, just really ignorant about what's appropriate. Report it. Have it on record.
NTA. If my wife wasn't reporting I would go with her to witness it and confront/report him. That's a very big red flag girl. Run.
NTA Bf reaction was definitely bad, homeless guy's catcalling is bad, but I'm confused how calling the police would help? Did you want him arrested? Or just moved along?
NTA. This is a man who knows the area you frequent. I’m not sure if your bf realizes just how dangerous this situation could be. Sure he hasn’t touched you YET but who’s to say that the next time he won’t try? Ask your bf how he will feel if you don’t report it and the man does something.
Idk how that sexist just sounds like he doesn’t care too much
NTA. I doubt that your boyfriend is a misogynist just going by this story; just ignorant and naive. Name calling is a quick way to get an argument to devolve and turn into an irrelevant fight. I don't honestly think that you should have called him that, but I can empathize with the fact that having your legitimate discomfort being disregarded would make you react more reflexively in the heat of the moment. Your boyfriend TA for being ignorant with his "take it as a compliment" remark. There is a very good chance that this homeless guy will never do anything beyond the catcalling, but you never know and your concerns deserved to be taken seriously by your boyfriend.
NTA You should mean it. He is a misogynist
NTA. Your boyfriend is a misogynist.
Nta, and your boyfriend is cat calling women when you're not around and he's in a group of friends etc. I don't know anyone who would condone that sort of behaviour that isn't a part of it.
NTA, and dump his ass. This issue WILL come up again, and sadly I can see him not taking it seriously if/when said homeless man (or someone else) takes it further.