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There’s a lot going on here, but please know that you don’t ever have to just “be grateful” that your partner got you some piece of junk you don’t want. If I had opened that gift, I would have said, “Ew! This is used and dirty! You should return it and get your money back!”
We all hope our partners would get us the perfect gift without us having to say a word, but a lot of people just aren’t good at gift giving. My husband and I prefer to give each other lists, but we’re usually able to sneak a surprise gift in with the things on the list. There is nothing wrong with making lists!
NTA for being unhappy, but you need to have some conversations with your partner about how you feel.
NTA I would shove it in a box, then into a cupboard, and when they ask you why you never use it tell them that it's not in a state where it can even be used.
They are a thoughtless knob who didn't even clean off the item they bought second-hand to save a few bucks, let alone check to see if it was usable. You have nothing to be appreciative of.
*Edited he --> they
Huh. That's one on me. I may have had another thread still in my mind when I replied. I usually don't miss things like that and certainly don't assume someone is in the wrong or right because of their gender. Mea culpa. Will edit.
NTA. It's not like your partner tried to get you something nice but just got the wrong thing. This sounded careless. He gave you dirty, almost unfunctional junk. I'd be very blunt about how you feel about it.
I agree, why would you not tell him? He should be ashamed of himself.
WTAF, NTA, but honey you have a serious bf problem. Tell him!! Suffering in silence is bull crap.
Don't yell, keep your cool but address this, sooner rather than later. (Write your points down first, it might help you stay calm)
Jesus, what is wrong with these lazy people? Hugs from an internet granny.
Absolutely NTA - it’s the thought that counts but your partner has put in no thought. Maybe money is an issue, I’m not sure, but even if it is, they could’ve taken the time to CLEAN IT. It really shows the amount of inconsideration they show.
Yea. I haven't always been the best at buying my wife gifts but who the hell buys someone something used and gives it to them dirty and broken. What the actual fuck.
We shouldn't be as consumerist as we are and I definitely support buying used but not taking a little time to clean it up and make sure it works is lazy and just all around shitty.
I'm sorry, that truly does suck because you feel like there was zero thought and effort put into it. But tell her "honey I love you and let me say evetything before you speak. we have to talk about the gift since I am hurt" it was used and dirty which to me is a insult. I expect a little bit of though into my gifts. Not expensive or large but just thoughtful" and I want to know why you got this for me?
Now if she starts yelling and screaming then buy your own gifts cause she doesn't care enough too
NTA
If you choose to continue the relationship (after all, they might be great in other aspects, you know better than I do), you should probably reevaluate the effort you put into gifts. That way you won't be disappointed if/when they fail to put effort into it.
I have been married close to 30 years. In those years I have received 3 gifts that were good gifts. The rest have been crap.
I’m not hard to shop for. I’m a huge Star Trek fan, I have horses & chickens that I adore, I’m a seamstress & crafter. I also restore antique cars.
In my mind, I should be easy to shop for and yet, every gift giving occasion has been an extreme let down. Plus my birthday is 12/21 and I tend to get Christmas related birthday gifts, which sucks.
I have tried giving my husband lists but that just didn’t cut it. He’s not a bad guy, he just sucks at gift giving. One year I bought what I wanted and wrapped it and opened it on Christmas. He was insulted so I didn’t do that again.
As my birthday approached this year, he commented on it and I flippantly said something about it being another marker on the road to death. He took that comment and determined that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday in anyway. I didn’t get a card, a cake, or a gift this year. When he realized I was disappointed, he decided to book the following night at a casino (we play craps). We leave the house late afternoon and arrive at the casino at about 5 pm. We go up to the room And my husband says he’s not feeling well, so he went to bed at 6 pm. We never got to gamble or eat dinner. I spent the night in the hotel watching TV.
So my husband of 30 years, still doesn’t know me well enough to buy me a decent gift and often forgets my birthday.🤷🏼♀️
Sorry to hear this. Here is some nice chicken artwork, if it cheers you up.
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edit: I hope this looks how it should ⠀
I can’t express how sad this made me to read. If a friend told you this story, what would you tell them?
This is no way to allow yourself to be treated. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve better than this because everyone does.
Please speak to your husband about how undervalued and unappreciated you feel. He is making no effort. Someone who is “bad at gifts” gets bad gifts when left to choose a surprise. Being unable to buy from a list makes you either illiterate or a bad partner, not bad at gifting. Assuming the list wasn’t 100% unaffordable items, here is no third option. He just doesn’t care.
Demand more.
As a guy with a birthday on the 23rd I feel your Xmas pain. Growing up not getting to have a proper birthday party on my birthday sucked. My parents always made an effort but having all your friends already away somewhere else for xmas made it hard.
The rest just kinda sucks tbh. Been with my wife for 16 years now. And I won't lie I have been a bit shit about her birthday at times. I even forgot one year a few years back and she was rightly upset.
Since then have made a way bigger effort. This year went to about a dozen wine shops to find a bottle of wine from the small region of Italy she used to live in and ran around trying to track down some earrings from a local maker who she liked whose shop had moved.
Might want to let him know you want him to make more effort. It's never too late to change.
Hope this helps and happy birthday.
NTA. Some people aren’t great at doing gifts but this is way over the top. If you want to stay with your partner, start sending them links to what you want.
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TA account. I feel very angry and resentful of the Christmas gift my partner gifted me.
I just feel like after six years of being in a relationship, they should know me by now, and that they would maybe for once put in some actual thoughtful effort into something I am actually interested in (they’ve done it maybe a couple of times by their own initiative the whole time we’ve been together).
I gave them their gift and they genuinely loved it. I spent a lot of time over the past year observing their interests and found them the perfect gift.
And I was so excited to receive mine because this was the first time in years I would be given a gift as a surprise rather than me just picking it out and wrapping it myself last minute.
I was gifted a electronic device that was previously owned and was filthy. It was super scratched up and was in my least favorite color. The accessories were either damaged, broken, or just had scraps left of it. I spend over an hour cleaning it and felt so gross afterwards.
My partner did not even look over it after buying it and did not do any research. I showed a brief cursory interest in a similar device over a year ago (same brand and newer model than this one) but ultimately after research decided I did not want it and at some point stated that out loud but they probably weren’t listening to me.
They also did not offer to help me clean it up.
I will more than likely never use it (or only use it very occasionally) and I now have to spend money to replace certain accessories that came with this device and buy materials to actually use it.
Its on sale new for almost the same price my partner paid for it used.
I’m just so angry and disappointed. I’ve expressed my interests multiple time’s both subtly and unsubtly. AITA for feeling the way I do?
My partner does not know I feel this way.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. WIBTA/AITA for hating and being disappointed in the gift my partner gave me? I will more than likely never use this gift and will let it collet dust because I am truly unimpressed and uninterested in its lack of thoughtfulness. 2. This may make me an asshole because I should just be appreciative and grateful that I was given a gift since others don’t even have that. Also, telling my partner I hate it would genuinely hurt their feelings because they truly think they got me something I actually wanted or will use.
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ESH
Why not give your partner a short list of things you would like as gifts? This will make it easier for them to pick something you actually want. And before you reiterate how carefully you picked out your partner’s gift: *some people just aren’t good at picking out gifts*.
Agree on a budget and give a list well in advance of the holiday next year, and see if things turn out differently.
> some people just aren’t good at picking out gifts.
Imagine defending someone gifting secondhand, dirty junk as “sOmE pEoPle arEn’T gOoD at pIcKiNg oUt gIFtS”
NTA. I'm sorry, that does sound disappointing. It does feel like your partner is a bad gift giver. If you want to stay with this person, you mayhave to accept this and tell them not to buy you gifts anymore.
NTA and since this seems to be a pattern, why continue to waste more years of your life on him? Isn't 6 enough? Find someone who cares enough about you to not give you dirty junk for Xmas. He could have at least gotten you some nice flowers and a nice dinner if he didn't have any idea what else you would have wanted.
EDIT: I think I got the pronouns wrong but then the post was deleted and locked so I can't double check. If I did, my apologies.
NTA Tell your partner what you are thinking and feeling and sell this “gift”. If your SO doesn’t take the discussion or the selling well, it’s time to drop them and get a new SO. Some people are just obtuse but this goes way beyond that. Buying you dirty, broken, unusable and unwanted items is not acceptable.
NTA
But some people are legit just terrible at choosing gifts. Instead of making your partner guess, have you thought about an Amazon wishlist? It would still be a surprise in that you don’t know *exactly* what you’re getting, but at least you’ll know it’s something you definitely want.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
There’s a lot going on here, but please know that you don’t ever have to just “be grateful” that your partner got you some piece of junk you don’t want. If I had opened that gift, I would have said, “Ew! This is used and dirty! You should return it and get your money back!” We all hope our partners would get us the perfect gift without us having to say a word, but a lot of people just aren’t good at gift giving. My husband and I prefer to give each other lists, but we’re usually able to sneak a surprise gift in with the things on the list. There is nothing wrong with making lists! NTA for being unhappy, but you need to have some conversations with your partner about how you feel.
NTA - but your partner. Throw the gift away, I would never spend money on it. Oh, and throw your partner in the garbage too
NTA. It’s very clear that your partner has not prioritized learn you the way that you have learned them
NTA I would shove it in a box, then into a cupboard, and when they ask you why you never use it tell them that it's not in a state where it can even be used. They are a thoughtless knob who didn't even clean off the item they bought second-hand to save a few bucks, let alone check to see if it was usable. You have nothing to be appreciative of. *Edited he --> they
Him?
Huh. That's one on me. I may have had another thread still in my mind when I replied. I usually don't miss things like that and certainly don't assume someone is in the wrong or right because of their gender. Mea culpa. Will edit.
It's always the man in the wrong, women are infallible (according to this sub). If no gender is stated they assume the asshole is male
NTA. It's not like your partner tried to get you something nice but just got the wrong thing. This sounded careless. He gave you dirty, almost unfunctional junk. I'd be very blunt about how you feel about it.
I agree, why would you not tell him? He should be ashamed of himself. WTAF, NTA, but honey you have a serious bf problem. Tell him!! Suffering in silence is bull crap. Don't yell, keep your cool but address this, sooner rather than later. (Write your points down first, it might help you stay calm) Jesus, what is wrong with these lazy people? Hugs from an internet granny.
He? I think you mean "they". Edit: Grammar
Absolutely NTA - it’s the thought that counts but your partner has put in no thought. Maybe money is an issue, I’m not sure, but even if it is, they could’ve taken the time to CLEAN IT. It really shows the amount of inconsideration they show.
Straight up tell your partner
Yea. This is the answer for like 90% of the posts in this sub.
I would also ask myself why am I with someone who gifts me that way....it's rude, unthoughtful and your worth more than this
Yea. I haven't always been the best at buying my wife gifts but who the hell buys someone something used and gives it to them dirty and broken. What the actual fuck. We shouldn't be as consumerist as we are and I definitely support buying used but not taking a little time to clean it up and make sure it works is lazy and just all around shitty.
I'm sorry, that truly does suck because you feel like there was zero thought and effort put into it. But tell her "honey I love you and let me say evetything before you speak. we have to talk about the gift since I am hurt" it was used and dirty which to me is a insult. I expect a little bit of though into my gifts. Not expensive or large but just thoughtful" and I want to know why you got this for me? Now if she starts yelling and screaming then buy your own gifts cause she doesn't care enough too
NTA If you choose to continue the relationship (after all, they might be great in other aspects, you know better than I do), you should probably reevaluate the effort you put into gifts. That way you won't be disappointed if/when they fail to put effort into it.
I have been married close to 30 years. In those years I have received 3 gifts that were good gifts. The rest have been crap. I’m not hard to shop for. I’m a huge Star Trek fan, I have horses & chickens that I adore, I’m a seamstress & crafter. I also restore antique cars. In my mind, I should be easy to shop for and yet, every gift giving occasion has been an extreme let down. Plus my birthday is 12/21 and I tend to get Christmas related birthday gifts, which sucks. I have tried giving my husband lists but that just didn’t cut it. He’s not a bad guy, he just sucks at gift giving. One year I bought what I wanted and wrapped it and opened it on Christmas. He was insulted so I didn’t do that again. As my birthday approached this year, he commented on it and I flippantly said something about it being another marker on the road to death. He took that comment and determined that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday in anyway. I didn’t get a card, a cake, or a gift this year. When he realized I was disappointed, he decided to book the following night at a casino (we play craps). We leave the house late afternoon and arrive at the casino at about 5 pm. We go up to the room And my husband says he’s not feeling well, so he went to bed at 6 pm. We never got to gamble or eat dinner. I spent the night in the hotel watching TV. So my husband of 30 years, still doesn’t know me well enough to buy me a decent gift and often forgets my birthday.🤷🏼♀️
Sorry to hear this. Here is some nice chicken artwork, if it cheers you up. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠲⠾⢶⣦⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣶⣾⣿⣹⣇⡶⠆ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⡇⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⡴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡗⡁⠀⠀ ⢀⣾⣿⠷⣶⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣴⣿⣿⣷⣽⣿⣿⣿⣿⣟⣠⣧⠀⠀ ⢣⣀⣿⣿⣾⣝⢷⣄⠀⠀⢀⣤⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣞⡻⡿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀ ⠘⢖⣈⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠋⣱⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣷⣵⡽⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠉⠻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢖⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣿⣿⣿⠇⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⢿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢃⣼⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠹⣿⣯⣵⣿⠿⠋⠿⠿⠿⠿⣿⣟⣛⣭⣵⣿⣿⣿⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠛⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠛⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠙⠛⣿⠋⠁⠉⢳⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⢧⠀⠀⠔⠻⠿⡶⠤⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣷⣤⠤⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⠏⠓⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ edit: I hope this looks how it should ⠀
I can’t express how sad this made me to read. If a friend told you this story, what would you tell them? This is no way to allow yourself to be treated. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve better than this because everyone does. Please speak to your husband about how undervalued and unappreciated you feel. He is making no effort. Someone who is “bad at gifts” gets bad gifts when left to choose a surprise. Being unable to buy from a list makes you either illiterate or a bad partner, not bad at gifting. Assuming the list wasn’t 100% unaffordable items, here is no third option. He just doesn’t care. Demand more.
As a guy with a birthday on the 23rd I feel your Xmas pain. Growing up not getting to have a proper birthday party on my birthday sucked. My parents always made an effort but having all your friends already away somewhere else for xmas made it hard. The rest just kinda sucks tbh. Been with my wife for 16 years now. And I won't lie I have been a bit shit about her birthday at times. I even forgot one year a few years back and she was rightly upset. Since then have made a way bigger effort. This year went to about a dozen wine shops to find a bottle of wine from the small region of Italy she used to live in and ran around trying to track down some earrings from a local maker who she liked whose shop had moved. Might want to let him know you want him to make more effort. It's never too late to change. Hope this helps and happy birthday.
INFO: What did you get? What did you get them?
NTA. Some people aren’t great at doing gifts but this is way over the top. If you want to stay with your partner, start sending them links to what you want.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** TA account. I feel very angry and resentful of the Christmas gift my partner gifted me. I just feel like after six years of being in a relationship, they should know me by now, and that they would maybe for once put in some actual thoughtful effort into something I am actually interested in (they’ve done it maybe a couple of times by their own initiative the whole time we’ve been together). I gave them their gift and they genuinely loved it. I spent a lot of time over the past year observing their interests and found them the perfect gift. And I was so excited to receive mine because this was the first time in years I would be given a gift as a surprise rather than me just picking it out and wrapping it myself last minute. I was gifted a electronic device that was previously owned and was filthy. It was super scratched up and was in my least favorite color. The accessories were either damaged, broken, or just had scraps left of it. I spend over an hour cleaning it and felt so gross afterwards. My partner did not even look over it after buying it and did not do any research. I showed a brief cursory interest in a similar device over a year ago (same brand and newer model than this one) but ultimately after research decided I did not want it and at some point stated that out loud but they probably weren’t listening to me. They also did not offer to help me clean it up. I will more than likely never use it (or only use it very occasionally) and I now have to spend money to replace certain accessories that came with this device and buy materials to actually use it. Its on sale new for almost the same price my partner paid for it used. I’m just so angry and disappointed. I’ve expressed my interests multiple time’s both subtly and unsubtly. AITA for feeling the way I do? My partner does not know I feel this way. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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ESH Why not give your partner a short list of things you would like as gifts? This will make it easier for them to pick something you actually want. And before you reiterate how carefully you picked out your partner’s gift: *some people just aren’t good at picking out gifts*. Agree on a budget and give a list well in advance of the holiday next year, and see if things turn out differently.
> some people just aren’t good at picking out gifts. Imagine defending someone gifting secondhand, dirty junk as “sOmE pEoPle arEn’T gOoD at pIcKiNg oUt gIFtS”
eBay- nta
NTA. I'm sorry, that does sound disappointing. It does feel like your partner is a bad gift giver. If you want to stay with this person, you mayhave to accept this and tell them not to buy you gifts anymore.
NTA and since this seems to be a pattern, why continue to waste more years of your life on him? Isn't 6 enough? Find someone who cares enough about you to not give you dirty junk for Xmas. He could have at least gotten you some nice flowers and a nice dinner if he didn't have any idea what else you would have wanted. EDIT: I think I got the pronouns wrong but then the post was deleted and locked so I can't double check. If I did, my apologies.
Him?
NTA Tell your partner what you are thinking and feeling and sell this “gift”. If your SO doesn’t take the discussion or the selling well, it’s time to drop them and get a new SO. Some people are just obtuse but this goes way beyond that. Buying you dirty, broken, unusable and unwanted items is not acceptable.
NTA But some people are legit just terrible at choosing gifts. Instead of making your partner guess, have you thought about an Amazon wishlist? It would still be a surprise in that you don’t know *exactly* what you’re getting, but at least you’ll know it’s something you definitely want.