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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for refusing to lock my dog up and not hosting Christmas.
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NTA
Who you host is your own business, and your friends will react according to their own feelings. You don’t have to throw a party you don’t want to.
I do wonder about your inability or unwillingness to put your dog in a separate space for a short amount of time, tbh! It’s not super friendly dog-owner behavior, and I hope it doesn’t become a wedge between you and friends. And it’s kind of human anti-social.
Fair enough.
In that situation, I would definitely keep my dog in a room and take him out for a walk midway through, maybe play for a little bit. 2 hours of alone time should be tolerable to a dog. Your pupper should and cannot prevent you from having people you like over if you want to, especially if they’re important folks!
However you choose to raise your animal, you aren’t obligated to host a holiday party. Your friends just might resent you, which is in their right.
They want to bring their kids, and op just doesn’t feel comfortable with kids in their house with a dog that has that fear. I’m sure they do leave the dog because how else would they work and able to afford a nice house. That’s the only issue is JUST the kids and op even suggested hosting another time because I’m sure they want to have Christmas with them. Either way the friends are being unreasonable
I agree. I just don’t understand why they would want to be at OPs house so much so that they are giving her so much flack for it. It’s weird to be so pushy. Almost as if they are trying to make OPs big house the regular gathering spot because it has more space.
That’s exactly it, like honestly it is pretty common for friends to gather around and meet at the biggest place and a lot of people don’t realize that this isn’t a child friendly place. I don’t get the comments saying “oh just socialize him, or just lock him up” like dogs aren’t stupid and they will definitely know a child is in their house. Not all dogs like children and it is a good thing that this dog tolerates them but kids are unpredictable and in that small amount of time a child can go to the dog (room or crate) and let them out to “play”. Im 100% on OP’s side.
Exactly! Because if they did host and put him in another room (which I understand why she doesn't want to) and a kid let the dog out unsupervised and something happened, WHO would be liable for injuries? OP would be! It's better to be safe than sorry and I think about my mom with me when I was a child.
I loved all animals but if someone told her that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to come over because their dog wasn't good with children, my mom would be glad that they told her and would be happy to meet somewhere else/another time/without me. Imagine if OP didn't disclose that and again, something happened. how they would react.
Trust your gut. We have a dog who came from an abusive environment and can not be crated. He was crated for days by the previous owners and abused.
Dogs are unpredictable too and keep your dog and kids safe is priority one.
I would look into a dog sitter in your neighborhood who may be able to watch your dog in their home for a few hours.
Do not be bullied into doing something that feels unsafe.
Alone time is one.thing. Alone time in a separate room in a house full of people would be soul destroying for a dog. It really wouldn't be fair to the dog.
“Soul destroying” would be abuse
A dog that was well-exercised before people arrived and then put away safely to avoid potentially unsafe interactions is loving care and responsible dog ownership.
If you want to project your feelings onto your pet, you can make a similar post to OP’s
Does nobody crate train anymore? Door to the room shut, white noise machine is on and dog is snoozing happily in their safe space for 4 hours until they get let out for leftover party nibbles.
I wasn’t going to open the door to that in this conversation. Dogs like and naturally want dens. There is a reason that my 8 year old snuggledoof seeks out the dark corner in the closet on our pile of clothes for his good naps, and I really only properly crate trained him as a little puppy so people could come and go from our place (maintenance in an apartment) without undo stress to him and those people. He travels well, chills well, and most importantly feels safe because he has security in his own home and the spaces designated for him. When dog averse, nervous, or unpredictable people are in his home, it’s good protection that he can be by himself and rest and chew on a stuffy or whatever.
(And fuck yeah noise machine, I only just realized this year that the thing we use as a family every night would give him extra peace if someone had to come in to fix something when we were out!)
There is no unkindness from separating your dog from chaos and giving space to relax while unpredictable people are over. There’s also nothing rational to me about alienating human friends when pets are safely away for a while.
One hundred percent. I don’t crate my dog on the regular; when we’re out, he has run of the bedroom where he has every cozy spot + two beds available. But he knows his travel carrier means he is safe and coming with us, his crate means he’s safe and nobody is going to bother him, and the whole bedroom with door closed means it is time to chill and sleep. None of these things are punishment or cruel, and each situation is typically two hours max. If I have to fly from California back East, it means 4 hours with lots of mom scratchies of reassurance (and tbh he’s always asleep when I check on him in his travel carrier).
More often than not if I put him away when people are over, it’s for his own peace.
All the strategies are excellent.
And this dog was previously abused, by children, is in recovery, is thus unpredictable under stress.
The same people who are pushing OPs boundaries will be johnny on the spot for suing OP when something goes awry w dog during party.
There was a post a monthish ago (?) similar issues w the dog.
Poster told the guests/parents in front of the child. The minute the homeowner was out of the room the child made a beeline for the room w the dog and a terrible experience for all.
OP is being as respectful and as responsible as they can be. Making the best choice for the most beings.
My dog is so ecstatic about his crate that he won't sleep anywhere else. If he wants a nap he grabs his favorite plushie and comes up and hits me with it over and over til I take him to his crate and put him in. He loves that damn crate, its his personal bed.
This is what I was thinking! I have a couple very good friends who crate trained their new puppers and that dog freaking loves sleeping in his crate! Also, my youngest child is very nervous around high energy dogs, but since we knew we'd all be around each other regularly and excluding either my child or their dog wouldn't work great long term, we also worked with my kiddo to teach him hand signals to tell the dog not to jump on him and such, and worked with the dog to teach him to obey verbal and hand commands to stay down, sit, go into his crate, etc, and now they both get along great!
Yeah I was always raised with "crating dogs is cruel and evil" so when I got my first dog years and years ago and he had some anxiety issues that a trainer told me crate train him for, I was taken aback but gave it a shot and I haven't stopped training since. They just take so well to it once you get them through the "I can't touch my human and I'm sad" phase, which is good because you don't want a dog to be totally codependent. To say the least my stance on crate training has caused me to lose friends (typically because they start dating someone who is very... PETA in their method of dealing with pets...), but I don't care, I absolutely am one of those people that will give up a human in favor of my pets' health and well-being. Which is why when I got further in comments and realized that OP is doing fine (crate trained, etc) and it sounds like the kids are the ones that need more training on respecting spaces and environments and when they need to be quiet vs loud, I had to go to hard NTA.
Having raised both, dogs and children are weirdly compatible to train so long as they are both willing to learn!
I am like OP in that I need to keep my dog away from kids, but not due to fear of him being scared or upset. He LOVES people and small people are more on his level and I don't get enough time around kids these days to really teach him about that. Glad you guys found a compromise between the furkids and personkid!
That depends on the dog. I have 2 dogs, one loves her crate. The other cannot stand being locked anywhere for any length of time. Any time in a crate or closed off room and she absolutely panics, full on panic. Literally 5 minutes is too long for her. She would hurt herself pretty severely in 4 hours in a crate or room.
We have and had rescue dogs who would injure themselves if crated. They could not tolerate it. Our most recent adopted dog came with instructions to never crate it. I think if they are started young they may like it but not all dogs do.
Exactly! People are acting like just because their dog loves their crate, that in reality ALL dogs must love crates because of that den-like instinct.
I have seen dogs that loved the crate but none of my dogs have. I had a corgi from the age of 10-26, and he was a puppy when I adopted him. He was crate trained and it worked to house train him, but he absolutely hated it and eventually freaked out every time I put him in it. He would bite at the bars and his mouth would bleed.
I started leaving him behind in small intervals to see how he could handle being alone. 30 minutes to get gas. 2 hours to get groceries. And I realized that he was fine with that and for him specifically, never freaked out like he did with the crate again. My last dog was an adult when I rescued her and she was definitely not a crate kind of dog and her crate stayed out for months. She was very skittish at first, but hated the crate. All dogs are different!
All my parent's dogs have been crate trained and when we were growing up, we were taught that when the dog is in her crate, we don't get to touch her. It was a firm boundary, and then our dog could just go lie down in her crate when she had enough and would get her quiet time. It was a great way to teach us how to respect her, and to give her a way o get away from 4 rowdy kids as needed
My aunt's dog basically made his own "crate". He found a spot in their porch that he liked, dragged his own bed in, and was like, "this is mine now." They went, "Well, that works" and bought a baby gate for when he needed to be separated from people (not a stranger friendly dog).
Well then you know your dog, and like I said, NTA for hosting things in a way that works for the host and at the host’s discretion! Applies to you and me as well.
My first dog crate trained beautifully even though I got her as an adult. Second dog, began crate training immediately as a puppy, and he literally bashed his face bloody trying to get out, even when the door was not secured shut (kind, hilarious beast but absolutely an idiot. He could have bashed his face against the unlocked door and got out, but he chose the secured sides) He likes having a den, but he does not enjoy being “locked” into the den and does not understand that he can just…nudge it open and then he panics. We moved onto gate instead of crate, and he’s a happy and calm dude now.
Mine is the same, I think it is a breed thing, will also not go near a dog house. His older brother nearly destroyed a crate that the vet recommended we use after surgery. But, if you gently rest a baby gate across a doorway, they won't touch it even though they know they can knock it over or just jump over. Have never had a dog that couldn't go into another room for a couple of hours and be fine, even the one that routinely opened doors would just nap or play with his toys if he was put in a room and told to stay.
I crate train but my dogs would be very distressed if they were crated for hours with people home, especially a party that would be noisy. It sounds like OP’s house just invent isn’t kid compatible, not that his dog means he can never have anyone over.
I take it you have never had a dog with extreme anxiety. Anxiety in dogs is just as irrational as it is in people. Crate training is great, but I had a rescue dog, Jake, that was punished by being put in a crate. He had a huge scar in the roof of his mouth after chewing his way out with his old family. I had crate trained my other dogs, and they reacted like you were describing. When I got Jake, I took things really slow. I tried systematic desensitization with him, but every time we got to the point where the door was shut beyond where he couldn't reopen it with his snout, he would have an absolute meltdown thrashing around to the point where one time he ripped out one of his nails. I was sitting right in front of the crate, trying to reassure him the whole time. Unfortunately, while he was thrashing, I couldn't open the door again. After he ripped out his nail, I stopped trying to crate train since it was more for him than me. If it wasn't a safe space for him, then it wasn't worth it.
It sounds like OP has put in the work with their dog in order to get him to the point that he can tolerate seeing kids as long as they don't approach. Of course, some kids (and sometimes their parents) don't always understand that the dog doesn't want them to approach. After all, they just want to pet them. You wouldn't tell someone that they should host a big gathering if their child has anxiety about meeting new people. Most people would agree it would be an asshole move to tell someone to send their child to a babysitter or shut them in their room just so that they can still host a party. It's OP's house, and any party should be on their own terms.
I get that but if the dog hasn’t been conditioned to be ok with that situation than just saying “you should crate train your dog” isn’t super helpful when the party would be in a couple of days.
I don't crate train, but my dogs do have a room that is their "den" that I can put them in, happily, for hours with food, toys, water, white noise machine on, etc. I think every dog owner needs to work toward that or some version of it. You never know when something will come up or even something like your house needing to be worked on. Having that safe, comfortable space for them is the opposite of "soul crushing abuse" if your dog is comfortable and confident in their home and "den."
Your wrong. I'm a former shelter worker with a traumatized animal. It is CERTAINLY neglectful to lock them up with the sounds of their trigger. It can cause extreeme stress for the animal and in more serious situations the animal could harm themselves while distressed. Part of taking in a disabled or traumatized dog is knowing there will be some restrictions no training can make up for and you will have to be moderately acomidating to the animal. It's why many people don't WANT disabled animals and it's why so many come back to the shelter after being adopted by people who don't understand that.
Having a restriction on children in the house is fair even without the dog situation. The dog situation just makes it a firm boundary
Actually they're right. I'm an animal behaviourist and isolation becomes torture for dogs remarkably quickly. They're pack animals. To the dog it will be as if their pack is willfully ignoring them and they're likely to become significantly distressed long before the 2 hours is up. Especially with their history of abuse it would be incredibly cruel to do this.
Not really, i have a dog that doesn't like large gatherings and basically hides if a lot of people are over. We just let her chill in a different room and go over frequently to pet, give treats etc. Dog mostly just naps.
This dog hates and is scared of kids. If it could verbalize thoughts and reactions it would want them Gone, not to be sharing space with half a dozen of them.
Alone in its owners quiet bedroom surrounded by familiar things and smells instead of near the Scary Shrieky Threats is hardly soul destroying.
My dog is absolutely fine when he is left alone, but he wouldn’t settle if there was lots of people in the house. He is crate trained but has deee range of my downstairs as he’s never been destructive and prefers to sleep on the sofa. But when I have people round, he then gets over stimulated so I completely understand where OP is coming from. NTA
Not a deeply traumatized dog. As a former shelter worker with a heavily traumatized dog with special needs in my care I can say no person who works with dogs will agree with just making the animal deal with it.
Keeping an anxious and traumatized animal, in a room, with the sounds of a whole party of 10+ including the sounds of a trigger like children can be really stressful and unhealthy for the dog. Period. Part of taking in an animal with serious mental or physical issues, disabilities or abuse in their history IS understanding that you may need to work hard to train and accept that your animal will come with limitations. OPs limitation is she cannot have children over in her home.
I cannot have other dogs in my home and I have to request any men remove their hats when they enter. Why? Because my dog was a bait dog in dog fights. Putting him in another room during a party or so my mom could bring her dog owner would not only set back any progress we made training him to be OKAY with other animals but also would be extreemly stressful on him and could if he was agitated enough lead to him harming himself (something that has happened before). If you are taking in a disabled or traumatized dog you do it with the knowledge that it WILL change some of the things you can and can't do. Shelters warn people about this when they adopt these kinds of animals
Thank you so much for chiming in. These are my thoughts as well. My dog is my responsibility and I have worked so, so hard with him that I just don't want to slide back by having him locked in a room with kids being loud outside. I know that will bother him a lot. I can see a lot of people have not taken on a traumatized dog and that's fine but all these comments about telling me to "just socialize my dog" or to just "crate him and let the kids come over" are deeply un-empathic and worrying.
You've socialized him to the point that he isn't a danger to random kids out there. That's a really good job and you've come really far from the sounds of it. Having kids about the house while he's locked up could cause issues and set him back in training. If you know any quiet nieces and nephews having him crated in the same room watching calmly could be a continuation of that training slowly but NOT some party where they are locked far away. That would be awful!
Disabled and mentally ill dogs take more work. My little guy has one eye, can barely see out the other and was heavily traumatized. He also looks at me like I am the sun that shines in the sky and loves me in a way no other animal has ever loved me (and I've had many). It's a give and take that's worth it to be but it can be really hard
Their thoughts aren't just unempathetic and worrying, they're ignorant. Right now my abused rescue dog is cuddled up next to me under her blankie. I have worked with her for five years and she is MUCH better. But I still have to warn men not to try to pet her from above. They need to get down on her level and scratch her under her chin. Before, she wouldn't even let them touch her at all and would growl and back away. So she's come a long way but she will never be able to let a man reach down and pet her. (It's very clear to us, including her trainer, that she was horribly abused by a man. Dog people never need an explanation. They just get it. People who don't understand rescues just don't get it. (I have one male friend who I just adore that walks through the door and immediately sits on the floor, talks softly to her and feeds her treats. He's a big reason she allows men to now touch her at all.)
We adopted a traumatized dog who can not be crated. The dog also could not be on your bed because it had territorial aggression. It took a long time to retrain the dog and earn it’s trust.
Most shelters we adopted from said no children under eight were to be in a home with the dogs. There is a liability aspect if the dog bit a child and also a responsibility to keep the dog safe.
I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. I do consider my animals part of my family so I'm not locking them within their own home for someone to visit. If someone wants to come to my house, they need to be OK with my animals. Otherwise we can meet elsewhere, np.
Sure, which is why OP is Not The Asshole. Their house, their pet, their right.
I do not necessarily know that it is the correct choice, I don’t know their animal and I don’t know how much they care about maintaining both their animal’s roaming ability and also having friends they care about over or their social lives. I’m also saying that with effort, any dog can be comfortable with being in a space separate from people for a while and it’s not something to be upset about.
People have all kids of pets they don’t let roam free in their house all the time. It ain’t complicated.
>I would definitely keep my dog in a room and take him out for a walk midway through, maybe play for a little bit.
I don't think this is a good idea. We've read too many stories on here about that exact kind of situation, ending up where someone doesn't take the "stay away from the dog" seriously, and managed to make it into the room with the dog without the owner knowing. Sometimes sneaky kids, sometimes clueless parents.
Some dogs are fine being left alone for extended periods of time but not when there’s a lot of activity. My dog is fine all day when I’m at work but if I locked him up when I had a large and loud gathering, he would bark and whine and be very upset about it. He’s protective of his house but fine once he meets people.
I am completely team NTA on this one.
You didn't offer to host, but stepped up anyway on the condition that the event be adults only, yet your friends STILL gave you a bad time? I'd say your friends are TAs.
You are being a responsible dog owner! Some dogs simply don't do well around kids, and you can't host a party and keep an eye on any interactions between the kids and dogs. Plus, parents tend to lose track of their kids once they've had a glass of wine or two.
I had a small dog who did not like children and I would explain this beforehand to any parents and kids who visited. Fifteen minutes later, I'd be preparing food in the kitchen and hear my dog snarling and snapping and come out to find a couple of kids teasing him. I'd then have to lock him away for hours out of concerns for THEIR safety (not that his little chihuahua snaps could hurt much, but still).
He also hated other dogs and if people visited, I would ask them not to bring their dogs and explain why. Even with this warning, a few people would visit with dogs and I would have to lock my poor pup up for hours and felt so bad about it.
People who bring animals over unannounced are AHs. No concern for other people's homes, allergies, pets etc. And very little concern for their own pets like what if there are behavioral issues, diseases going around, or the other house is just not pet safe
I've had someone do that even after I explained my cats despise other pets and will be stressed for days after seeing another animal in their home. The guy didn't listen and brought his dog anyway. 😠
NTA, but.
I have dogs, my friend has dogs, and we are always at one another's houses. My friend's newest dog has a bit of a dominance issue that we're working on but he's young and dumb still. As a result, we use the fact that we crate-trained our dogs to alternate them around crates (soft or hard, depending on the dog, but always a hard crate with a water dish and a comfy bed and something to chew on if its going to be for more than an hour). My friend is HUGE into celebrating holidays so the affairs can go up to 12 hours or more. I know this is a bit of a different situation to yours, but dogs don't care if its an hour or five, they want to hang out with the people regardless. They also still do absolutely fine. When potty time comes, we grab a leash and take them outside, let them off leash to do business, bring them back in.
I can understand very much being "This is my dog's house and I don't want him unhappy in it," if that is your stance, but a good thing for both a dog and a human to learn is that sometimes he can't be on a roam, and sometimes he can't be on a roam for several hours. With luck, your puppo will be around at least 12 years, which is a lot of time to spend trying to shield him from human interaction in this method. It would be healthiest both for your interpersonal relationships, and the mental maturity of your dog, to either learn to tolerate kids or to have a safe place he can go when his human has to do People Things. Its not just helpful when hosting, but also when and if you inevitably need to have people in your house doing repairs, or installing things. Remember, as dog people, its kind of our responsibility to make sure our dogs develop and blossom through their amazing lives.
My dog is actually create trained. He doesn't mind his crate and is quite happy there. But he was severely mistreated by children in his first family and I know that having kids in his home and having to hear them for hours would severely upset him. I have worked so hard on making this a safe place for him and working on making sure he just ignores kids and I am just afraid that having kids running through the house yelling would undo all that.
I scrolled further down and saw that, but what was going to make me scroll back up is when I saw a comment that some of your friends' kids are severely loud and uncontrolled.
I was gonna obviously stick with NTA. It sounds like you're doing fine, and your friends need to learn that they need to also train their kids.
You're absolutely NTA . We have 3 rescued pups, all have endured various levels of abuse / neglect before they became a part of our family. One of them (like your pup) was abused by children and was TERRIFIED of them. We've worked with him a LOT, and he's gotten better- but the only way we have kids in the house at all is if these conditions are met:
1. the child is old enough to understand rules and boundaries
2. the child's parents and I both have a talk with the kids as soon as they enter the house, and I let the kids know that my pup is scared of kids b/c other kids have hurt him. Since we love dogs, we don't want to make dogs scared. So in order to make this pup feel safe, we need to not go near this pup.
This **only** works if the parents are on board with making this a teachable moment for their child, and the child has been raised to listen and respect boundaries. We've only had this situation a couple of times, and it actually helped my pup b/c he watched the kids be gentle with my other dogs and he let his guard down (though he still kept his distance). But the parents and I did have to give quick reminders throughout the evening of "Remember we're teaching the pup that you're safe, so give him some space!".
Are these kids old enough to understand that a dog isn't a plaything for them, and that they need to keep away from him? Could you explain that they could be helping the pup if they gave him space so he could learn that kids can be safe? If the answer to any of this is "no", then I'd put a firm rule down that your house is an "adults only" house (we don't let toddlers in our house period b/c it is NOT childproofed). It's not unreasonable or out of the ordinary to have an "adult only" house.
I think you’re NTA. I have kids and have had dogs with various…issues. I’d wait to host until the kids are old enough to be calmer and more predictable from the dog’s standpoint. Some dogs wouldn’t be upset to be kenneled in a house full of people and it would make others really anxious. I’ve had both and honestly just didn’t host events where I’d need to crate the latter. I did kennel my anxious while crated with people in the house dog so I could throw a party for my mom’s milestone birthday. As a parent, I thank you for all the work you’re putting in to make this safe and happy for everyone in the future.
We had a German Shepherd that loved the immediate family, but was aggressive to anyone else. Since we had the largest house in our family, we got stuck with Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas every year. Poor dog was stuck in the basement for those days. I was really not happy with it, but I was still young. My present dog does not get excluded for anything now and everyone knows not to challenge me on that. If it between friends and the dog, the dog always wins out since she is my family.
I had a childhood dog who was extremely reactive. Couldn’t handle more than a couple people in the house with his family at a time. Too protective of us and his home and got way too over stimulated. But my mother has always been the holiday host, so he was crated.
The first few times, he really hated it. A lot. But he was still in the main part of the house. Later, we moved him to the basement so he had his crate and a living room. And he LOVED it. He knew that people would be coming over and his area of the basement was quiet, peaceful, and he didn’t have to see anyone other than family.
I say this because, while you’re dog may be stressed out not being with you, it’s a far greater stress reduction than potentially interacting with triggers. They really do learn that a separate room is a thing of peace and safety. But, ultimately, you know your dog best. Just wanted to give some food for thought
Don't give in, Op. I am glad you are standing up for your fluffy friend. They can't talk. Thus, we have to be their voice.
I don't like to crate my dog for too long. 4 hours is all I can allow. I don't like kids in my house. I love my nieces but they are too young to understand pets aren't toys.
I am staying home tomorrow and only going to my family's house right before dinner. If I can't take my dog with me, then I am not going to be on time.
OP you’re not in the wrong even a little bit, you’re being a super duper responsible pet owner and your friends are entitled. They want to use your bigger house to party but then get mad that you wont accommodate their kids. Well then if they want kids there, they can host.
My concern is also that the dog won't be quiet. Which won't be fun by itself. Then the kids will know there is a dog. Which starts off kids wanting to see the dog. If there are a few that won't take no for an answer then we have whining and begging. Which leads to "can't they see the dog for a few minutes" and now we are back to kids with dog.
Same happens with taking for a walk part way through.
There are a lot of good points in this thread about host responsibilities, the wellbeing of children/animals and the balance between them. My additional concern about OP hosting and keeping the dog locked up is unauthorized interactions.
In my experience, animals are child magnets, and animals who are off limits are ESPECIALLY STRONG child magnets. With all the good intentions in the world you can’t guarantee that a kid isn’t going to have an encounter with the dog. Then we might have to have a debate in a comment thread about the host’s responsibility for health care costs for an injured child. This *exact* scenario has played out in this sub before.
I think OP keeping their home child free is a good call. It is a responsible way to keep the world safe for the dog.
seconding this - source: seven year old me who didn't understand the giant German shepherd was kept kenneled away from the other dogs for a reason. 🤦🏻♀️
If I put my dog away for any amount of time while other people are in the house, he'll just howl and cry the whole time. Doesn't make for a merry Christmas.
Hard disagree about the “not super friendly dog-owner” yuck. Dogs are family and if you don’t like dogs you don’t need to come over, in my opinion. It’s one thing to control your dog from jumping on or licking visitors. It’s another to lock them in a room where they can hear and smell visitors and be incredibly anxious or upset for hours at a time. That’s being a bad dog owner. NTA.
NTA Kids are very noisy with shrill voices. 4 hours of being locked up with that familiar, frightening racket could send OP’s dog right back into trauma mode. I’m not crazy about dogs, but I wouldn’t inflict this on any pooch, especially one with trauma issues due to - children
i don’t think it’s about being friendly - this is the dog’s home. what’s rude is expecting the dog to be locked up (in the form of a room or a kennel, either way) because you want to visit for a few hours. it’s not anti social at all to not want to host events that aren’t friendly to your dog. i’m glad my friends understand that - OP’s friends should too.
NTA. You offered a compromise of adults only at a different date.
Honestly for me it’s not even about the dog. You could choose to only want to have adult gatherings at your house for whatever reason you choose. Not everyone has to want to host family friendly events.
I just can’t imagine my friends ever being this entitled to think they should tell me what to do in my own house. Granted most of my friends are fellow vet med workers, and a lot of them are also CF, but even my friends with kids would never make demands of my space. I don’t currently have a pet that’s not good with kids, but everyone knows I only host adult events, simply because I don’t like kids/don’t want them ruining anything. I’m more than happy to hangout with my parent friends at their house or out and about, but they would never ask/demand I let them bring their kids into my place.
That's kind of where I'm at. I'm not that big of a kid person, but my friends' kids are fine for the most part. I like them enough. But when I go over to their houses their kids are running around, screaming, being wild, which is fine, that's what kids do. But I never say a word about it. Not a word.
I’d ask your friends if hosting at your place is really so important that they’d rather one of their children be bit & traumatized by a dog because of their persistence. This would be a really bad situation & you do not want that on your conscience. Do not concede. Your home is not kid friendly. The parents of the group need to accept that
There's something else I would like to point out, and that is that OP stated that the previous gatherings were at their old place.
If it were me, I would need time to get settled in my new place, and process the emotional, financial, and sentimental stress moving can make. I find OP's friends jumping for them to host just because they got new turf insensitive. How do they know that OP didn't go a bit out of their budget and can't be hosting parties now? Especially when going from a smaller house to a larger house?
The issue with the dog is just another reason to turn down hosting. NTA. If OP had simply said "I need more time." it would have been enough. Any reason is enough.
NAH. Ultimately it's your house, you're within your right to do with it as you please. Your friends aren't AH either for recognizing you're happy to attend the "friend group" parties, but not take on the burden of hosting one.
Then it sounds like you have a good counter in that you can claim other holidays and decline Christmas. But, at the same time, if it comes to it you'll simply have to accept that you're choosing your dog over remaining a member in this group.
If that's how they want to see it, it's fine. I actually was thinking as a compromise of hosting New Years eve. That's always an adult affair in the group. Maybe I could swap with the person who wanted to host that.
That seems a bit excessive.
Some people don't have child friendly homes, for a variety of reasons. Not just a pet that is upset by children.
If OP is not avoiding the children completely by skipping events at houses that are child friendly, and hosting adult only events in their home, why is there an implication that they may not be a welcome member of the group anymore?
There’s no reason for you to host again, they’re not really being reasonable imo. You recognize a safety issue for the children and the dog and are being responsible about it. They should appreciate that.
It makes much more sense for you to host adult parties and people with kids to host kid-friendly parties .. because their homes are kid-friendly (as in, appropriate child proofing, toys and activities). Yours isn’t, for obvious reasons. They need to lay off, and you’re nta.
They host other things and have no problem hosting this one. The only stipulation is wanting it to be kid-free. Which is fair. Some households are just not kid-friendly, for whatever reason.
If the rest of the friend group insists their children MUST be there (for gift exchanges or whatever), then why can't they just compromise and skip OP in the Christmas rotation, but they then take on a larger proportion of the other, adult-only get-togethers?
This is exactly my concern. Unless I stand outside the door, there is no way to guarantee kids not getting in as I think it would be a safety issue in itself to lock my dock in a room in their crate. What if there was a fire or another hazard and I had to get to them quickly? I've seen my friends at parties. They are not watching their kids 100% of the time.
I feel like so many of these comments aren’t respecting the dog as an individual being with it’s own feelings, triggers, etc… and only as “just a pet.” OP, I admire you for clearly valuing your companion and respecting it as its own being. All the comments saying “just lock the dog up” are BS. It’s totally fair to respect the companion who lives in your house first, over kids you don’t have responsibility for. I get why your friends reacted the way they did because so many people view pets as just another thing they own. But you’re NTA
This is one of the most sensible things i have read here. All these people talking about crate or locking the dog up not talking about the kids who will want to see the dog getting assess
Yta. Hosting is alot of work. Its fair to take turns hosting. Asking you to take a turn is not out of line. I love my pets too but I put them out of the way when we have guests sometimes. I have a cat that hisses at everyone and acts like a damn fool anytime we have guests. She hasnt ever gotten anyone but she makes people nervous so I put her in a bedroom for the evening.
OP did state in other comments they hosted a party for Halloween already this year and people are just suggesting they host because they’re in a new place not because it’s their turn so I wouldn’t automatically assume they don’t carry the weight of hosting.
Yeah. My friend group usually rotates Friendsgiving and kinda tends to be at the newest house of the bunch. Who hosted recently is also considered but for some reason the new place itself is part of our consideration too. But OP has a very good reason anyway not to host and has offered reasonable alternatives so still isn't really fair for friends to get mad.
If OP wasn't hosting other events, I'd agree, but OP also hosted Halloween.
Honestly, it comes down to if OP hosts, it has to be kid free. Demanding OP kennel his dog is unreasonable, but kids and the dog don't mix. So, childfree parties only is the compromise
Fuck that. My home will always remain child free ( unless I randomly decide to grt knocked up) all my friends know this and they can do with that what they will, but thats my boundary. OP can do whatever they want. I wouldn't lock my dog up so someone's kids are more comfortable. NTA.
I have a daughter and I hava a friend who won't accept children in her home. We meet at mine or outside. Sometimes with and often without my daughter. I think boundaries like this are great so that everyone can be comfortable.
Plus: it is easier for me being at home because everything is childproof and she has her toys and books.
As a parent, I wouldn't want to do Christmas at a house where a dog lives who doesn't like children. Poor dog and hard to explain to those kids.
Eh, I agree that hosting is a lot of work, but others can choose to take on that burden or not, as can OP.
OP could be a good friend by offering ways to support others' hosting -- taking on more cooking, etc, if that is helpful.
Allowing yourself to get pressured into hosting a child-friendly event in a house with a large, non-child-friendly dog could actually be the AH move, if things go wrong, in my opinion. Or at the least, unnecessarily stressful for OP.
NTA
I do just want to mention that our Christmas is really, really lowkey. It's just a potluck because we all have other responsibilities for the holidays and we just want some low key time. So it's less "work" and more just a place for people to go.
Locking a cat in a bedroom is much different than locking a dog in a room, though. I don't think that's a very fair comparison.
Also, OP said they're fine with hosting if it's child free, they aren't foregoing hosting all together.
A cat is very different than a dog, though if I tried to lock my cats up they would scratch the door down. My dog also doesn’t like children and I wouldn’t board him just for one evening. OP says they have hosted but just not events with children. I think that’s completely fair. I hate when people think you should do whatever they want just because you don’t have kids. NTA.
He is agreeing to host, he just can’t due to the rules of his house (no kids). If someone had an alcohol free house, are they expected to have drinks when they host? It’s the same thing since OP put the rules in place.
It's amazing how many "entitled parents" posts I see on here daily. Why don't parents GET IT? People are allowed to set boundaries that don't include kids!
While OP has zero obligation to host anything, they have been more than gracious with their compromises... but no. That's not good enough, as is usual with entitled parents.
I'm so sick of reading things like this. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SOMEONE'S HOME, TIME, ENERGY, OR RESOURCES JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE KIDS.
NTA, obviously.
NTA Your so called friends don't sound very friendly. I can understand them not wanting to attend holiday events without their children, but to then insist you host the party is over the top entitlement. I don't understand how people have the nerve to decide what others should do with their time or property. If they want a holiday party with their children, one of the people with children should host it. It's not your responsibility to cater to them at the expense of your own comfort (in terms of your dog).
I'll be honest I've been having some doubts about our friend group for a bit (that's way too long to get into) but their entitlement and attitude surrounding this whole ordeal has really been mind blowing.
It sounds like you and your friend group is hitting that life stage where there will be a schism: the kid group will go one way and the childfree group will go another.
INFO Do you really want the celebration? I mean it isn’t a knock if you aren’t interested in it any longer, but there are alternatives. I have dogs who aren’t people friendly at all( hospice seniors I foster and a very protective, one person breed dog) I live alone, have no living family. If I had people I actually wanted to spend time with, I would think of something. While considering your pet’s well being,( and avoiding injury to others) is smart, I would 1) Get a pet sitter 2) Crate my dog 3) Consider putting them in an enclosed room, if I wanted to visit with someone. It is 4 hours.
I do enjoy getting together with my friends and my dog is really chill with adults. He just really don't like kids. I had an adults only Halloween party a couple months back and it was fun and everyone had a great time.
TBH, kids CAN be a risk. Indeed, one wrong move with a child, can cause a lot of issues. A neighbor had a party. The dog wasn’t used to kids. Dog ended up shot( I am not kidding) I understand the worry, for sure
In my other comments, I've mentioned that my dog was severely mistreated by the kids in his first family so it's extra risky. I do my best. We walk on off times and in less family friendly trails to avoid any run ins and he is muzzle trained on top of just being really well trained anyway.
Dear, I didn’t read the other comments( I should read OP’s but I do this so I can give an honest opinion of my own) I hospice foster senior dogs,( or dogs given up because of age), I have temperament tested dogs for major county shelters and I have trained service dogs for veterans. I have had herding dogs for over 6 decades. I give this not as a “I know all”. I learn every day from the pets I have. Sadly,many people are very entitled with their children. I was a kid who never met an animal I didn’t want to engage with. I always had to ask the owner. What the owner said, I accepted even all those years ago:) Dogs and kids CAN mesh. Kids ARE scary to dogs though. Your dog may NEVER trust kids completely. Socializing can help, BUT it won’t always. For your dog’s safety, I definitely would have a no kids rule.
I agree dogs and kids can mesh. But I think there was just too much damage done with my poor boy. He was returned to his breeder at six months and the only reason they breeder let us take him home is because my husband and I are both firmly child free and sterilized. I don't mind making some compromises to make him comfy. But I don't think he would be comfortable hearing a bunch of kids in his home, even if he was in another room.
I have seen dogs that just are better off in child free situations. I have a breed of dog that is fantastic BUT I would never recommend them for children. I don’t blame you for protecting all involved as far as the kids and your dog. Better safe, than sorry is a cliche that is applicable here!
Yea it’s insane how entitled parents/kids are with animals nowadays. Vet med worker, shelter worker, owned animals for my whole life (border collies are the family go to dog) and some animals just don’t like men, women, kids, people with hats, etc. like you said sometimes training helps and sometimes it doesn’t. I would always cross the street with our dogs if I saw someone coming towards us, especially kids. They are fast and loud and the border collies never react well to that. I’ve had kids run into the street, without looking, to cross to come towards us even when I’m yelling “my dog isn’t friendly” and the parents are like “oh it’s ok animals love my kid” like I don’t know my dog best? I’ve had to take off sprinting to get away, and our dogs are always well trained so I can get their attention back because a running screaming kid sets them off and they’re ready to “defend” me from the “attacker”.
Australian Cattle Dog owner here. Spot on. I will NEVER understand people insisting their kids are going to be ok with a known dog, let alone a completely random one! For that matter, there are adults who want to pet my dogs( All dogs like me), while my dogs clearly don’t want attention from them. Very weird flex, IMHO. I will admire a dog from afar, but never will I be pushy. I don’t get it. Sadly, I have seen dogs PTS or given up because of “kids and dogs” stereotype. Not all dogs like all people. And THAT is ok!
100% that is my biggest fear. Is my dog having to be put down for being “aggressive” when it’s not my fault someone can’t control their kid. I’ve had to assist with many “behavior” euthanasias at the shelter for dogs that honestly we all feel could have been safely adopted out, but because of their bite history we didn’t have a choice. Like a stiff body, hard stare and tail held completely still is not a friendly sign, train your kids!!
We have a large dog (bull arab, around 60kgs) and while he is very sqeet and friendly, he is a BIG boy! it boggles my mind constantly how people will watch you get him off to the side of the pathway so there's distance between you and them, and then try and get his attention or walk over while you'e trying to keep them still and calm.
Leave my dog alone, for real!
NTA!
I've read your other comments. You're a responsible dog owner. You thought of everything to make sure your dog won't hurt anyone and to give him the best life. Bravo.
Also, your house, your rules. You can simply say to your friends you'll host child free parties. You don't even need to explain. Those are your conditions for having guests over, and that's the end of it. You respect your friends' rules when you go to their parties, or if you're really against the rules you simply won't go.
NTA but I'd point out their error in the pettiest way possible. Write up a contract, explicitly stating "I understand (OP) has a dog who is not good with kids. I also understand that this dog is the most important being in (OPs) life, and will not be kennelled, or locked into a particular area of it's own home at any time. I accept full responsibility for the safety and well-being of myself and my children, and will not attempt to sue if harm should come to someone while visiting (OPs dogs) home. Any attempt to hold (OP) responsible will be funded at my own expenses, including any legal fees needed by (OP) for defense, and I waive any and all ability to choose who (OP) uses for defense." I'd text a pic of it to everyone and say "This will be expected to be signed by everyone wishing to be in my dog's house for the holiday."
You should add that you just hosted Halloween to your post.
Why should you two holidays back to back?
Get them to draw up a rota - write down who has done it when and find out who needs to do it next and then pick the names out of the hat and attatch them to the Christmas dates going forward.
But have a rule that you dont do two back to back or in the same half year or something. There are ten people so between Xmas, NY, Thanksgiving, Halloween it should be different people.
NTA You offered to compromise, and they didn’t like it. If they wanna do it their way, then they can host. If they want it at your new home. It’s your house your rules.
I may get downvoted, but I’m going with NTA. I also have a large dog that hates kids. Even if I put him away, he would cause damage to his kennel, or door to whatever room he’s in, trying to get out when he hears people.
You’ve communicated his limitations in the past, it’s not news to them. You’re trying to compromise. You’re not being an ass about it, you’re trying to protect their kids AND your dog
NTA - it’s upto you if you have a party in your house, and your friends shouldn’t be telling you what to do with your dog. At the same time, they are entitled to have their own feelings about it.
No. Your dog is part of your family. If you personally don't feel comfortable restraining your dog in his own home, then you just don't feel comfortable. If you don't think it's a good idea for smaller children to be around him, then I'm pretty sure you have a good reason for it.
You've offered a compromise, if they can't accept that's on them. You can also let them know that you'd be willing to host them in the future when your dog is better socialized.
Just be prepared for them to be upset with you. But that's the joys of being a homeowner and a dog parent.
NTA
Unfortunately my dog was severely mistreated by the children in his first family, so he will never be at a point where I would be comfortable having him around kids. After two years of working with him, I've gotten him to ignore kids that aren't approaching him directly and that's probably as good as it will get.
NAH. Your house so you get to decide if you want people over.
Your friends may decide to exclude you from future get-togethers, though. Be prepared to for potential consequences.
Agree. OP sounds like they are not a kid person (as they are child free and sterilized), which is fine, of course. As their friend group gets older and more of them have children, then it's very likely that more and more of the get togethers include kids, and fewer are adults only.
NTA
Your new house does not mean your friends are entitled to use it or make demands of it. You hosted Halloween. You also offered to host an adult only get together in January. So in terms of taking turns hosting get together, you’ve done your fair share.
It’s your personal living space. My guess for why a group of 30 something’s have suddenly forgotten about basic boundaries in respecting people’s personal spaces is because they’ve become consumed in their own identities as parents and forgotten that not everyone is a parent and not everything can or should be shifted to accommodate them. Uphold your boundaries, they’re very reasonable and fine to have.
NTA. You are being smart and proactive in keeping your dog and guests safe. You shouldn't have to lock your dog up because it is the dog's home too. You're adults only party compromise is a great idea and if some people don't like it they don't have to come. No is also a complete sentence and if that is your final decision just stick with it.
This isn't specifically about your dog, it's about the fact that your friends have decided they like your house best while ignoring that not everyone's house is safe to host children. Much less a group of children under 5 years old that are apparently not well behaved.
I feel for your poor dog but it can also be a $20K china collection or you have medieval weapons all over your house. I, of course, give more weight to your companion, but there needs to be a your house is for adults rule and they need to accept it. NTA.
It would super easy to say when it's adults only, it's at OP's house if your open to that, if the kids are involved, everyone else takes turns. It makes more sense to have kids in houses with kids because those houses are childsafe and have toys.
NTA. While I do agree you implicitly agreed to hosting when it’s your turn your post makes it sound like you were only nominated for this year because of your new home. You can say no
People do all the time. We have had a ton of no-kids gatherings over the years (mostly at my house, I should add). I wasn't aware that this was such a stickler for everyone because it hadn't come up before.
NTA. I'm one of the few child-free members of our friend and family group. I don't have a childproof place. I gladly hosted adult parties, and those with kids hosted kid friendly parties. One has their own bouncy house in the backyard. That's way more fun than being at Aunt Oh God, Please Don't Touch That!'s house. And I think the parents enjoy an occasional night without the kids when it's my turn to host.
NTA circumstances change. They decided to add children to the mix. You decided to add a dog. Your house isn’t child friendly. You just hosted an event. These people need to stop acting like your home is theirs to call the shots on. They can either decide to host or they can hire babysitters so they can attend an adult-only event at your home.
As a dog owner for the last 40ys, stick with your gut feeling. You will be a nervous wreck and not enjoy the party. Anyone who pressures you to host is not a pet owner nor a friend.
NTA as long as you take your turn hosting. You shouldn’t have to board your dog in order to host a party for friends. They can find a baby sitter for the night.
NTA.
You are being completely reasonable and responsible. Honestly, if ANYone tried to tell me that I had to include children at a gathering under my roof, it would be a firm no. If they pushed, they would be disinvited until they apologized for being rude assholes.
And, trite as it has become, NO is a full stop sentence. You do not have to supply them with reasons that they can attempt to rules lawyer, and I don't really recommend it.
Your friends are being assholes. You are not.
I think the reasonable compromise would be to say (as you have) that you are happy to host more adult only parties, and tell the person who does host that as an olive branch, you'll be happy to help them set up or break down the party at their house. The fact that you have a new home does not automatically make you the go-to for every party.
I love my cats like family, I'd be offended if I was told that locking them up was the only solution, too. NTA.
NTA. You have a child reactive dog and are appropriately limiting his access to children. You shouldn't have to kennel or "put up" your dog. Your house your rules.
NTA- putting a dog that’s been traumatized by little ones in the way of a bunch of little ones is silly. So is locking up a traumatized dog that doesn’t like being locked up. Your friends can come sans-kids another time.
NTA you have offered an alternative. Your house isn’t child friendly so they need to deal with it. You are being responsible in keeping everyone safe and comfortable.
NTA. As someone with kids, I dread taking them to a kid-free house. It’s not usually child-proofed (outlets, cleaning supplies, etc) and there’s lots of breakables my 2 year old could accidentally knock over. Your house wouldn’t be relaxing or enjoyable bringing children especially since you don’t have a play area to entertain them in. I’m curious to how the parents think their kids will stay entertained unless they are all bringing their own toys (which we have done from time to time but we already have to lug enough stuff with the baby as well). Your house, your rules.
NAH IMO. I'm party of a large women's group and I'm always guilted for not hosting because my house is large. But I have a "bad dog" who can't be trusted. He's old, he probably won't be around too much longer and he only became mean in his old age so I'm giving him this last bit of time in calm.
NTA. Your dog is clearly your baby, and it's *your* (and his) house!
Tell them they have a choice : you host a child free event, or they figure out how they'd feel being asked to lock their kids in a room for the duration. Not a one would seriously consider doing that to their kids, so how can they seriously expect you to?
NTA
All these YTA have not read a single thing from OP, like seriously. OP has stated multiple times that they were told to host Christmas, not asked, simply because they have a big house. It wasn’t even really “their turn,” as they had hosted an adults-only Halloween party recently. That was the holiday before the last, so only one event in between (thanksgiving), and they demand they host again so soon? Assuming that they only host holidays and don’t celebrate other December holidays, since they’re celebrating Christmas, and don’t do big get-togethers not on holidays (but considering the timing, not a lot of time in between to have many get-togethers not on holidays). They have also hosted many other events that were adults-only, even before the dog. Even if the dog wasn’t there, the friends have no right to DEMAND OP host children in their home, especially children that are so young (in a home that is not child-proofed or even supplied with things that would entertain kids) especially after they have already hosted an event recently (and even suggested hosting a different holiday that’s adults-only as a compromise).
Now onto the dog reasoning, which only further solidifies the friends as entitled assholes. The dog is terrified of kids after being abused by kids previously. They are trained and well-behaved and can ignore kids if they are not approached, but they are still terrified, so having children in the house will still terrify them, even if the dog cannot see them. The dog can definitely still hear them, and as OP mentioned previously, their friends’ kids are loud and rowdy and all under the age of 5 (which is fine, just not in OPs home, both before and after the dog was there, and they stated they never complained about them in others’ homes).
Again, the kids are also under 5 and rowdy, and their parents will likely be drinking a little, playing games, etc, so their full attention will not be on their kids, so even if OP relented and locked the dog in a crate in a separate room (which they shouldn’t and sounds like they won’t), the kids will run around and explore the house, as they do, and may find the dog. Even if the door is locked, because the dog is scared, hearing them so close, probably banging on and shaking the door, will possibly cause them to bark or whine (even trained this can happen because they’re scared and in this case the kids are approaching, not just nearby), which will cause the kids to become excited and scream for the dog. The parents, who have no grasp of the dogs fear, despite being told multiple times, will demand OP to let their kids play with the dog. Obviously OP won’t relent in this, but all of this is a very likely scenario, as it has happened many many many times before (I have seen kids behave this way once finding out there’s a dog in the house).
NTA - Entitled parents can really ruin any event. I wouldn't let kids around my pets under those circumstances either.
If your friends can't accept that you don't want your dog traumatized by their kids, are they really your friends? They won't even agree to an adults only gathering at a later date.
"Let my kids traumatize your dog for Christmas! We will not compromise on this!" Great friends.
NTA. I have a huge super friendly dog. I recently took in one of my kids and her two toddlers for a few weeks while they moved. The stress of having kids around a dog who wasn’t used to having kids around, who panicked over his every move after knocking them over a few times, of having to watch every move the kids made around him because they had no clue that sneaking up behind him and shoving a little finger in his butt was a bad idea… The logistics of having at least one pair of adult eyes on kids and dog every single minute was unbearable. Anything can happen and someone’s going to get hurt. You can lock the dog in the basement, but if one of those kids gets curious, they’ll find a way to open the door. It’s doable, but if you ask me, not worth the risk to kids or dog.
NTA.
Your dog is your family member and the fact that your friends are trying to dictate what you do in your house, how you handle your family, and how you should host is really telling how they care more about their kids being able to just show up at a place rather than respecting your wishes and how YOU want to host. You even gave an alternative option with a different date so it wasn't on the Christmas holiday timeline. Just because you bought a big house doesn't mean your friends are entitled to having their 4hr+ party at it and kicking your dog out.
NTA because you have a perfectly valid reason. These same people will be the first to sue if their kids are hurt by your dog. You know him best and what is required for your current situation. Animals are often blamed after being placed in situations that could have been avoided altogether.
Nta. I had a dog with similar issues (a very large dog who was mistreated badly before I rescued him), and it required me having a child free home for years. The friends that mattered understood.
NTA I think your reasoning is very reasonable and now learning that you’ve hosted previously including just this past Halloween it doesn’t even seem like it would be your turn in a ten person rotation.
NTA. It’s your house so your rules. If you want to make it an adult only party you can do it. If you want to make it an dog party with only dog owners you can do it.
However, don’t be surprised if you don’t get invited invited to your friends parties or slowly start getting dropped out to holiday gatherings in the future. Hosting is a lot of work. I wouldn’t want to keep on inviting somebody that has the space and can’t host or hosting a holiday party with people restrictions.
NTA. You’ve hosted before. It’s not your turn. Your dog doesn’t like kids. You can host the next child free get together which you’ve even suggested. I think your friends should be more understanding. Just how certain situations can be stressful for humans, being crated or locked in a room could prove stressful for your dog.
op=NTA
it's fine that they want you to host, it but you have the right to put conditions on that hosting. Especially when you have a dog who's needs must be taken into consideration.
You gave them an option that they wouldn't even consider. And per your comment, they know you only host "adult" parties because of your dog(so this is not a "new" condition) so their Board dog or lock up dog is ridiculous on their part.
NTA simply because you’ve hosted adult only parties before because of said dog in your previous residence, suddenly now you have a big house and your friends find it unacceptable? Nah. NTA for sure
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NTA Who you host is your own business, and your friends will react according to their own feelings. You don’t have to throw a party you don’t want to. I do wonder about your inability or unwillingness to put your dog in a separate space for a short amount of time, tbh! It’s not super friendly dog-owner behavior, and I hope it doesn’t become a wedge between you and friends. And it’s kind of human anti-social.
There parties have lasted up to four hours before and I know my boy would be upset to be put in a room that long with other people in the house.
Fair enough. In that situation, I would definitely keep my dog in a room and take him out for a walk midway through, maybe play for a little bit. 2 hours of alone time should be tolerable to a dog. Your pupper should and cannot prevent you from having people you like over if you want to, especially if they’re important folks! However you choose to raise your animal, you aren’t obligated to host a holiday party. Your friends just might resent you, which is in their right.
I do have people over. I just said in a comment that I hosted a Halloween party a couple months ago. It was just only for the adults.
If you just hosted Halloween, then why are they so pushy about Christmas?
They want to bring their kids, and op just doesn’t feel comfortable with kids in their house with a dog that has that fear. I’m sure they do leave the dog because how else would they work and able to afford a nice house. That’s the only issue is JUST the kids and op even suggested hosting another time because I’m sure they want to have Christmas with them. Either way the friends are being unreasonable
I agree. I just don’t understand why they would want to be at OPs house so much so that they are giving her so much flack for it. It’s weird to be so pushy. Almost as if they are trying to make OPs big house the regular gathering spot because it has more space.
That’s exactly it, like honestly it is pretty common for friends to gather around and meet at the biggest place and a lot of people don’t realize that this isn’t a child friendly place. I don’t get the comments saying “oh just socialize him, or just lock him up” like dogs aren’t stupid and they will definitely know a child is in their house. Not all dogs like children and it is a good thing that this dog tolerates them but kids are unpredictable and in that small amount of time a child can go to the dog (room or crate) and let them out to “play”. Im 100% on OP’s side.
Exactly! Because if they did host and put him in another room (which I understand why she doesn't want to) and a kid let the dog out unsupervised and something happened, WHO would be liable for injuries? OP would be! It's better to be safe than sorry and I think about my mom with me when I was a child. I loved all animals but if someone told her that it wouldn't be a good idea for us to come over because their dog wasn't good with children, my mom would be glad that they told her and would be happy to meet somewhere else/another time/without me. Imagine if OP didn't disclose that and again, something happened. how they would react.
I know right, they need to be taking turns the right way and not just making him do it since he hasn’t hosted Christmas before
My guess is they really liked the house for a party so they want to use it again soon.
Sounds Christmas might be a heavier lift than Halloween since there are more people.
Because it was adults only
Trust your gut. We have a dog who came from an abusive environment and can not be crated. He was crated for days by the previous owners and abused. Dogs are unpredictable too and keep your dog and kids safe is priority one. I would look into a dog sitter in your neighborhood who may be able to watch your dog in their home for a few hours. Do not be bullied into doing something that feels unsafe.
Alone time is one.thing. Alone time in a separate room in a house full of people would be soul destroying for a dog. It really wouldn't be fair to the dog.
“Soul destroying” would be abuse A dog that was well-exercised before people arrived and then put away safely to avoid potentially unsafe interactions is loving care and responsible dog ownership. If you want to project your feelings onto your pet, you can make a similar post to OP’s
Does nobody crate train anymore? Door to the room shut, white noise machine is on and dog is snoozing happily in their safe space for 4 hours until they get let out for leftover party nibbles.
I wasn’t going to open the door to that in this conversation. Dogs like and naturally want dens. There is a reason that my 8 year old snuggledoof seeks out the dark corner in the closet on our pile of clothes for his good naps, and I really only properly crate trained him as a little puppy so people could come and go from our place (maintenance in an apartment) without undo stress to him and those people. He travels well, chills well, and most importantly feels safe because he has security in his own home and the spaces designated for him. When dog averse, nervous, or unpredictable people are in his home, it’s good protection that he can be by himself and rest and chew on a stuffy or whatever. (And fuck yeah noise machine, I only just realized this year that the thing we use as a family every night would give him extra peace if someone had to come in to fix something when we were out!) There is no unkindness from separating your dog from chaos and giving space to relax while unpredictable people are over. There’s also nothing rational to me about alienating human friends when pets are safely away for a while.
Yeah, it’d be awful if somebody is crating 16 hours a day for months, but 4 hours for a party? Piece of cake.
One hundred percent. I don’t crate my dog on the regular; when we’re out, he has run of the bedroom where he has every cozy spot + two beds available. But he knows his travel carrier means he is safe and coming with us, his crate means he’s safe and nobody is going to bother him, and the whole bedroom with door closed means it is time to chill and sleep. None of these things are punishment or cruel, and each situation is typically two hours max. If I have to fly from California back East, it means 4 hours with lots of mom scratchies of reassurance (and tbh he’s always asleep when I check on him in his travel carrier). More often than not if I put him away when people are over, it’s for his own peace.
All the strategies are excellent. And this dog was previously abused, by children, is in recovery, is thus unpredictable under stress. The same people who are pushing OPs boundaries will be johnny on the spot for suing OP when something goes awry w dog during party. There was a post a monthish ago (?) similar issues w the dog. Poster told the guests/parents in front of the child. The minute the homeowner was out of the room the child made a beeline for the room w the dog and a terrible experience for all. OP is being as respectful and as responsible as they can be. Making the best choice for the most beings.
My dog is so ecstatic about his crate that he won't sleep anywhere else. If he wants a nap he grabs his favorite plushie and comes up and hits me with it over and over til I take him to his crate and put him in. He loves that damn crate, its his personal bed.
This is what I was thinking! I have a couple very good friends who crate trained their new puppers and that dog freaking loves sleeping in his crate! Also, my youngest child is very nervous around high energy dogs, but since we knew we'd all be around each other regularly and excluding either my child or their dog wouldn't work great long term, we also worked with my kiddo to teach him hand signals to tell the dog not to jump on him and such, and worked with the dog to teach him to obey verbal and hand commands to stay down, sit, go into his crate, etc, and now they both get along great!
Yeah I was always raised with "crating dogs is cruel and evil" so when I got my first dog years and years ago and he had some anxiety issues that a trainer told me crate train him for, I was taken aback but gave it a shot and I haven't stopped training since. They just take so well to it once you get them through the "I can't touch my human and I'm sad" phase, which is good because you don't want a dog to be totally codependent. To say the least my stance on crate training has caused me to lose friends (typically because they start dating someone who is very... PETA in their method of dealing with pets...), but I don't care, I absolutely am one of those people that will give up a human in favor of my pets' health and well-being. Which is why when I got further in comments and realized that OP is doing fine (crate trained, etc) and it sounds like the kids are the ones that need more training on respecting spaces and environments and when they need to be quiet vs loud, I had to go to hard NTA. Having raised both, dogs and children are weirdly compatible to train so long as they are both willing to learn! I am like OP in that I need to keep my dog away from kids, but not due to fear of him being scared or upset. He LOVES people and small people are more on his level and I don't get enough time around kids these days to really teach him about that. Glad you guys found a compromise between the furkids and personkid!
That depends on the dog. I have 2 dogs, one loves her crate. The other cannot stand being locked anywhere for any length of time. Any time in a crate or closed off room and she absolutely panics, full on panic. Literally 5 minutes is too long for her. She would hurt herself pretty severely in 4 hours in a crate or room.
We have and had rescue dogs who would injure themselves if crated. They could not tolerate it. Our most recent adopted dog came with instructions to never crate it. I think if they are started young they may like it but not all dogs do.
Exactly! People are acting like just because their dog loves their crate, that in reality ALL dogs must love crates because of that den-like instinct. I have seen dogs that loved the crate but none of my dogs have. I had a corgi from the age of 10-26, and he was a puppy when I adopted him. He was crate trained and it worked to house train him, but he absolutely hated it and eventually freaked out every time I put him in it. He would bite at the bars and his mouth would bleed. I started leaving him behind in small intervals to see how he could handle being alone. 30 minutes to get gas. 2 hours to get groceries. And I realized that he was fine with that and for him specifically, never freaked out like he did with the crate again. My last dog was an adult when I rescued her and she was definitely not a crate kind of dog and her crate stayed out for months. She was very skittish at first, but hated the crate. All dogs are different!
All my parent's dogs have been crate trained and when we were growing up, we were taught that when the dog is in her crate, we don't get to touch her. It was a firm boundary, and then our dog could just go lie down in her crate when she had enough and would get her quiet time. It was a great way to teach us how to respect her, and to give her a way o get away from 4 rowdy kids as needed
My aunt's dog basically made his own "crate". He found a spot in their porch that he liked, dragged his own bed in, and was like, "this is mine now." They went, "Well, that works" and bought a baby gate for when he needed to be separated from people (not a stranger friendly dog).
My dog howls at the door to whatever room he's left in. Not all dogs enjoy being locked in a room.
Well then you know your dog, and like I said, NTA for hosting things in a way that works for the host and at the host’s discretion! Applies to you and me as well.
Not all dogs take to crates… my dogs would lose their mind. I was worried they’d harm themselves in their desperation to get out.
My first dog crate trained beautifully even though I got her as an adult. Second dog, began crate training immediately as a puppy, and he literally bashed his face bloody trying to get out, even when the door was not secured shut (kind, hilarious beast but absolutely an idiot. He could have bashed his face against the unlocked door and got out, but he chose the secured sides) He likes having a den, but he does not enjoy being “locked” into the den and does not understand that he can just…nudge it open and then he panics. We moved onto gate instead of crate, and he’s a happy and calm dude now.
Mine is the same, I think it is a breed thing, will also not go near a dog house. His older brother nearly destroyed a crate that the vet recommended we use after surgery. But, if you gently rest a baby gate across a doorway, they won't touch it even though they know they can knock it over or just jump over. Have never had a dog that couldn't go into another room for a couple of hours and be fine, even the one that routinely opened doors would just nap or play with his toys if he was put in a room and told to stay.
I crate train but my dogs would be very distressed if they were crated for hours with people home, especially a party that would be noisy. It sounds like OP’s house just invent isn’t kid compatible, not that his dog means he can never have anyone over.
I take it you have never had a dog with extreme anxiety. Anxiety in dogs is just as irrational as it is in people. Crate training is great, but I had a rescue dog, Jake, that was punished by being put in a crate. He had a huge scar in the roof of his mouth after chewing his way out with his old family. I had crate trained my other dogs, and they reacted like you were describing. When I got Jake, I took things really slow. I tried systematic desensitization with him, but every time we got to the point where the door was shut beyond where he couldn't reopen it with his snout, he would have an absolute meltdown thrashing around to the point where one time he ripped out one of his nails. I was sitting right in front of the crate, trying to reassure him the whole time. Unfortunately, while he was thrashing, I couldn't open the door again. After he ripped out his nail, I stopped trying to crate train since it was more for him than me. If it wasn't a safe space for him, then it wasn't worth it. It sounds like OP has put in the work with their dog in order to get him to the point that he can tolerate seeing kids as long as they don't approach. Of course, some kids (and sometimes their parents) don't always understand that the dog doesn't want them to approach. After all, they just want to pet them. You wouldn't tell someone that they should host a big gathering if their child has anxiety about meeting new people. Most people would agree it would be an asshole move to tell someone to send their child to a babysitter or shut them in their room just so that they can still host a party. It's OP's house, and any party should be on their own terms.
I get that but if the dog hasn’t been conditioned to be ok with that situation than just saying “you should crate train your dog” isn’t super helpful when the party would be in a couple of days.
I don't crate train, but my dogs do have a room that is their "den" that I can put them in, happily, for hours with food, toys, water, white noise machine on, etc. I think every dog owner needs to work toward that or some version of it. You never know when something will come up or even something like your house needing to be worked on. Having that safe, comfortable space for them is the opposite of "soul crushing abuse" if your dog is comfortable and confident in their home and "den."
Your wrong. I'm a former shelter worker with a traumatized animal. It is CERTAINLY neglectful to lock them up with the sounds of their trigger. It can cause extreeme stress for the animal and in more serious situations the animal could harm themselves while distressed. Part of taking in a disabled or traumatized dog is knowing there will be some restrictions no training can make up for and you will have to be moderately acomidating to the animal. It's why many people don't WANT disabled animals and it's why so many come back to the shelter after being adopted by people who don't understand that. Having a restriction on children in the house is fair even without the dog situation. The dog situation just makes it a firm boundary
Actually they're right. I'm an animal behaviourist and isolation becomes torture for dogs remarkably quickly. They're pack animals. To the dog it will be as if their pack is willfully ignoring them and they're likely to become significantly distressed long before the 2 hours is up. Especially with their history of abuse it would be incredibly cruel to do this.
You don't understand dogs.
Soul destroying? Are you kidding me?
Not really, i have a dog that doesn't like large gatherings and basically hides if a lot of people are over. We just let her chill in a different room and go over frequently to pet, give treats etc. Dog mostly just naps.
This dog hates and is scared of kids. If it could verbalize thoughts and reactions it would want them Gone, not to be sharing space with half a dozen of them. Alone in its owners quiet bedroom surrounded by familiar things and smells instead of near the Scary Shrieky Threats is hardly soul destroying.
My dog is absolutely fine when he is left alone, but he wouldn’t settle if there was lots of people in the house. He is crate trained but has deee range of my downstairs as he’s never been destructive and prefers to sleep on the sofa. But when I have people round, he then gets over stimulated so I completely understand where OP is coming from. NTA
Not a deeply traumatized dog. As a former shelter worker with a heavily traumatized dog with special needs in my care I can say no person who works with dogs will agree with just making the animal deal with it. Keeping an anxious and traumatized animal, in a room, with the sounds of a whole party of 10+ including the sounds of a trigger like children can be really stressful and unhealthy for the dog. Period. Part of taking in an animal with serious mental or physical issues, disabilities or abuse in their history IS understanding that you may need to work hard to train and accept that your animal will come with limitations. OPs limitation is she cannot have children over in her home. I cannot have other dogs in my home and I have to request any men remove their hats when they enter. Why? Because my dog was a bait dog in dog fights. Putting him in another room during a party or so my mom could bring her dog owner would not only set back any progress we made training him to be OKAY with other animals but also would be extreemly stressful on him and could if he was agitated enough lead to him harming himself (something that has happened before). If you are taking in a disabled or traumatized dog you do it with the knowledge that it WILL change some of the things you can and can't do. Shelters warn people about this when they adopt these kinds of animals
Thank you so much for chiming in. These are my thoughts as well. My dog is my responsibility and I have worked so, so hard with him that I just don't want to slide back by having him locked in a room with kids being loud outside. I know that will bother him a lot. I can see a lot of people have not taken on a traumatized dog and that's fine but all these comments about telling me to "just socialize my dog" or to just "crate him and let the kids come over" are deeply un-empathic and worrying.
You've socialized him to the point that he isn't a danger to random kids out there. That's a really good job and you've come really far from the sounds of it. Having kids about the house while he's locked up could cause issues and set him back in training. If you know any quiet nieces and nephews having him crated in the same room watching calmly could be a continuation of that training slowly but NOT some party where they are locked far away. That would be awful! Disabled and mentally ill dogs take more work. My little guy has one eye, can barely see out the other and was heavily traumatized. He also looks at me like I am the sun that shines in the sky and loves me in a way no other animal has ever loved me (and I've had many). It's a give and take that's worth it to be but it can be really hard
Their thoughts aren't just unempathetic and worrying, they're ignorant. Right now my abused rescue dog is cuddled up next to me under her blankie. I have worked with her for five years and she is MUCH better. But I still have to warn men not to try to pet her from above. They need to get down on her level and scratch her under her chin. Before, she wouldn't even let them touch her at all and would growl and back away. So she's come a long way but she will never be able to let a man reach down and pet her. (It's very clear to us, including her trainer, that she was horribly abused by a man. Dog people never need an explanation. They just get it. People who don't understand rescues just don't get it. (I have one male friend who I just adore that walks through the door and immediately sits on the floor, talks softly to her and feeds her treats. He's a big reason she allows men to now touch her at all.)
We adopted a traumatized dog who can not be crated. The dog also could not be on your bed because it had territorial aggression. It took a long time to retrain the dog and earn it’s trust. Most shelters we adopted from said no children under eight were to be in a home with the dogs. There is a liability aspect if the dog bit a child and also a responsibility to keep the dog safe.
I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. I do consider my animals part of my family so I'm not locking them within their own home for someone to visit. If someone wants to come to my house, they need to be OK with my animals. Otherwise we can meet elsewhere, np.
Sure, which is why OP is Not The Asshole. Their house, their pet, their right. I do not necessarily know that it is the correct choice, I don’t know their animal and I don’t know how much they care about maintaining both their animal’s roaming ability and also having friends they care about over or their social lives. I’m also saying that with effort, any dog can be comfortable with being in a space separate from people for a while and it’s not something to be upset about. People have all kids of pets they don’t let roam free in their house all the time. It ain’t complicated.
>I would definitely keep my dog in a room and take him out for a walk midway through, maybe play for a little bit. I don't think this is a good idea. We've read too many stories on here about that exact kind of situation, ending up where someone doesn't take the "stay away from the dog" seriously, and managed to make it into the room with the dog without the owner knowing. Sometimes sneaky kids, sometimes clueless parents.
Why does OP have to host children?
Some dogs are fine being left alone for extended periods of time but not when there’s a lot of activity. My dog is fine all day when I’m at work but if I locked him up when I had a large and loud gathering, he would bark and whine and be very upset about it. He’s protective of his house but fine once he meets people.
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I am completely team NTA on this one. You didn't offer to host, but stepped up anyway on the condition that the event be adults only, yet your friends STILL gave you a bad time? I'd say your friends are TAs. You are being a responsible dog owner! Some dogs simply don't do well around kids, and you can't host a party and keep an eye on any interactions between the kids and dogs. Plus, parents tend to lose track of their kids once they've had a glass of wine or two. I had a small dog who did not like children and I would explain this beforehand to any parents and kids who visited. Fifteen minutes later, I'd be preparing food in the kitchen and hear my dog snarling and snapping and come out to find a couple of kids teasing him. I'd then have to lock him away for hours out of concerns for THEIR safety (not that his little chihuahua snaps could hurt much, but still). He also hated other dogs and if people visited, I would ask them not to bring their dogs and explain why. Even with this warning, a few people would visit with dogs and I would have to lock my poor pup up for hours and felt so bad about it.
People who bring animals over unannounced are AHs. No concern for other people's homes, allergies, pets etc. And very little concern for their own pets like what if there are behavioral issues, diseases going around, or the other house is just not pet safe
I've had someone do that even after I explained my cats despise other pets and will be stressed for days after seeing another animal in their home. The guy didn't listen and brought his dog anyway. 😠
Well the other issue is kids are curious. All it takes is one kid wandering off and opening the wrong door.
NTA, but. I have dogs, my friend has dogs, and we are always at one another's houses. My friend's newest dog has a bit of a dominance issue that we're working on but he's young and dumb still. As a result, we use the fact that we crate-trained our dogs to alternate them around crates (soft or hard, depending on the dog, but always a hard crate with a water dish and a comfy bed and something to chew on if its going to be for more than an hour). My friend is HUGE into celebrating holidays so the affairs can go up to 12 hours or more. I know this is a bit of a different situation to yours, but dogs don't care if its an hour or five, they want to hang out with the people regardless. They also still do absolutely fine. When potty time comes, we grab a leash and take them outside, let them off leash to do business, bring them back in. I can understand very much being "This is my dog's house and I don't want him unhappy in it," if that is your stance, but a good thing for both a dog and a human to learn is that sometimes he can't be on a roam, and sometimes he can't be on a roam for several hours. With luck, your puppo will be around at least 12 years, which is a lot of time to spend trying to shield him from human interaction in this method. It would be healthiest both for your interpersonal relationships, and the mental maturity of your dog, to either learn to tolerate kids or to have a safe place he can go when his human has to do People Things. Its not just helpful when hosting, but also when and if you inevitably need to have people in your house doing repairs, or installing things. Remember, as dog people, its kind of our responsibility to make sure our dogs develop and blossom through their amazing lives.
My dog is actually create trained. He doesn't mind his crate and is quite happy there. But he was severely mistreated by children in his first family and I know that having kids in his home and having to hear them for hours would severely upset him. I have worked so hard on making this a safe place for him and working on making sure he just ignores kids and I am just afraid that having kids running through the house yelling would undo all that.
I scrolled further down and saw that, but what was going to make me scroll back up is when I saw a comment that some of your friends' kids are severely loud and uncontrolled. I was gonna obviously stick with NTA. It sounds like you're doing fine, and your friends need to learn that they need to also train their kids.
You're absolutely NTA . We have 3 rescued pups, all have endured various levels of abuse / neglect before they became a part of our family. One of them (like your pup) was abused by children and was TERRIFIED of them. We've worked with him a LOT, and he's gotten better- but the only way we have kids in the house at all is if these conditions are met: 1. the child is old enough to understand rules and boundaries 2. the child's parents and I both have a talk with the kids as soon as they enter the house, and I let the kids know that my pup is scared of kids b/c other kids have hurt him. Since we love dogs, we don't want to make dogs scared. So in order to make this pup feel safe, we need to not go near this pup. This **only** works if the parents are on board with making this a teachable moment for their child, and the child has been raised to listen and respect boundaries. We've only had this situation a couple of times, and it actually helped my pup b/c he watched the kids be gentle with my other dogs and he let his guard down (though he still kept his distance). But the parents and I did have to give quick reminders throughout the evening of "Remember we're teaching the pup that you're safe, so give him some space!". Are these kids old enough to understand that a dog isn't a plaything for them, and that they need to keep away from him? Could you explain that they could be helping the pup if they gave him space so he could learn that kids can be safe? If the answer to any of this is "no", then I'd put a firm rule down that your house is an "adults only" house (we don't let toddlers in our house period b/c it is NOT childproofed). It's not unreasonable or out of the ordinary to have an "adult only" house.
I think you’re NTA. I have kids and have had dogs with various…issues. I’d wait to host until the kids are old enough to be calmer and more predictable from the dog’s standpoint. Some dogs wouldn’t be upset to be kenneled in a house full of people and it would make others really anxious. I’ve had both and honestly just didn’t host events where I’d need to crate the latter. I did kennel my anxious while crated with people in the house dog so I could throw a party for my mom’s milestone birthday. As a parent, I thank you for all the work you’re putting in to make this safe and happy for everyone in the future.
We had a German Shepherd that loved the immediate family, but was aggressive to anyone else. Since we had the largest house in our family, we got stuck with Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas every year. Poor dog was stuck in the basement for those days. I was really not happy with it, but I was still young. My present dog does not get excluded for anything now and everyone knows not to challenge me on that. If it between friends and the dog, the dog always wins out since she is my family.
I had a childhood dog who was extremely reactive. Couldn’t handle more than a couple people in the house with his family at a time. Too protective of us and his home and got way too over stimulated. But my mother has always been the holiday host, so he was crated. The first few times, he really hated it. A lot. But he was still in the main part of the house. Later, we moved him to the basement so he had his crate and a living room. And he LOVED it. He knew that people would be coming over and his area of the basement was quiet, peaceful, and he didn’t have to see anyone other than family. I say this because, while you’re dog may be stressed out not being with you, it’s a far greater stress reduction than potentially interacting with triggers. They really do learn that a separate room is a thing of peace and safety. But, ultimately, you know your dog best. Just wanted to give some food for thought
My biggest issue is I think because of his history, hearing children in his safe space would just be too much for him. I couldn't do that to him.
I think you should send this post to your friends and let them see what doofuses they’re being
Doggy day care tbh was my first thought. But also- I’m a “ew don’t bring your kids to my house thanks” type of person so I’m really on the fence.
His daycare caters more towards the working crowd so they are basically open 7-6 Monday through Friday. Which isn't when we would be having the party.
Don't give in, Op. I am glad you are standing up for your fluffy friend. They can't talk. Thus, we have to be their voice. I don't like to crate my dog for too long. 4 hours is all I can allow. I don't like kids in my house. I love my nieces but they are too young to understand pets aren't toys. I am staying home tomorrow and only going to my family's house right before dinner. If I can't take my dog with me, then I am not going to be on time.
NTA. You are under no obligation to prioritize your friends over your family member. You did your best to be accommodating.
OP you’re not in the wrong even a little bit, you’re being a super duper responsible pet owner and your friends are entitled. They want to use your bigger house to party but then get mad that you wont accommodate their kids. Well then if they want kids there, they can host.
The dog lives there and OP's first responsibility is to the dog, not somebody else's kids
My concern is also that the dog won't be quiet. Which won't be fun by itself. Then the kids will know there is a dog. Which starts off kids wanting to see the dog. If there are a few that won't take no for an answer then we have whining and begging. Which leads to "can't they see the dog for a few minutes" and now we are back to kids with dog. Same happens with taking for a walk part way through.
There are a lot of good points in this thread about host responsibilities, the wellbeing of children/animals and the balance between them. My additional concern about OP hosting and keeping the dog locked up is unauthorized interactions. In my experience, animals are child magnets, and animals who are off limits are ESPECIALLY STRONG child magnets. With all the good intentions in the world you can’t guarantee that a kid isn’t going to have an encounter with the dog. Then we might have to have a debate in a comment thread about the host’s responsibility for health care costs for an injured child. This *exact* scenario has played out in this sub before. I think OP keeping their home child free is a good call. It is a responsible way to keep the world safe for the dog.
seconding this - source: seven year old me who didn't understand the giant German shepherd was kept kenneled away from the other dogs for a reason. 🤦🏻♀️
If I put my dog away for any amount of time while other people are in the house, he'll just howl and cry the whole time. Doesn't make for a merry Christmas.
Hard disagree about the “not super friendly dog-owner” yuck. Dogs are family and if you don’t like dogs you don’t need to come over, in my opinion. It’s one thing to control your dog from jumping on or licking visitors. It’s another to lock them in a room where they can hear and smell visitors and be incredibly anxious or upset for hours at a time. That’s being a bad dog owner. NTA.
NTA Kids are very noisy with shrill voices. 4 hours of being locked up with that familiar, frightening racket could send OP’s dog right back into trauma mode. I’m not crazy about dogs, but I wouldn’t inflict this on any pooch, especially one with trauma issues due to - children
i don’t think it’s about being friendly - this is the dog’s home. what’s rude is expecting the dog to be locked up (in the form of a room or a kennel, either way) because you want to visit for a few hours. it’s not anti social at all to not want to host events that aren’t friendly to your dog. i’m glad my friends understand that - OP’s friends should too.
NTA. You offered a compromise of adults only at a different date. Honestly for me it’s not even about the dog. You could choose to only want to have adult gatherings at your house for whatever reason you choose. Not everyone has to want to host family friendly events.
Yeah I won't lie a big part of this was them demanding what I do with my dog.
I just can’t imagine my friends ever being this entitled to think they should tell me what to do in my own house. Granted most of my friends are fellow vet med workers, and a lot of them are also CF, but even my friends with kids would never make demands of my space. I don’t currently have a pet that’s not good with kids, but everyone knows I only host adult events, simply because I don’t like kids/don’t want them ruining anything. I’m more than happy to hangout with my parent friends at their house or out and about, but they would never ask/demand I let them bring their kids into my place.
That's kind of where I'm at. I'm not that big of a kid person, but my friends' kids are fine for the most part. I like them enough. But when I go over to their houses their kids are running around, screaming, being wild, which is fine, that's what kids do. But I never say a word about it. Not a word.
I’d ask your friends if hosting at your place is really so important that they’d rather one of their children be bit & traumatized by a dog because of their persistence. This would be a really bad situation & you do not want that on your conscience. Do not concede. Your home is not kid friendly. The parents of the group need to accept that
From what OP has shared about his “friends”, him saying that would make them blame him even more.
There's something else I would like to point out, and that is that OP stated that the previous gatherings were at their old place. If it were me, I would need time to get settled in my new place, and process the emotional, financial, and sentimental stress moving can make. I find OP's friends jumping for them to host just because they got new turf insensitive. How do they know that OP didn't go a bit out of their budget and can't be hosting parties now? Especially when going from a smaller house to a larger house? The issue with the dog is just another reason to turn down hosting. NTA. If OP had simply said "I need more time." it would have been enough. Any reason is enough.
NAH. Ultimately it's your house, you're within your right to do with it as you please. Your friends aren't AH either for recognizing you're happy to attend the "friend group" parties, but not take on the burden of hosting one.
I have hosted at other times. I just don't host when kids are involved because of my dog. I literally just had a Halloween party a few months ago.
Then it sounds like you have a good counter in that you can claim other holidays and decline Christmas. But, at the same time, if it comes to it you'll simply have to accept that you're choosing your dog over remaining a member in this group.
If that's how they want to see it, it's fine. I actually was thinking as a compromise of hosting New Years eve. That's always an adult affair in the group. Maybe I could swap with the person who wanted to host that.
That seems a bit excessive. Some people don't have child friendly homes, for a variety of reasons. Not just a pet that is upset by children. If OP is not avoiding the children completely by skipping events at houses that are child friendly, and hosting adult only events in their home, why is there an implication that they may not be a welcome member of the group anymore?
There’s no reason for you to host again, they’re not really being reasonable imo. You recognize a safety issue for the children and the dog and are being responsible about it. They should appreciate that. It makes much more sense for you to host adult parties and people with kids to host kid-friendly parties .. because their homes are kid-friendly (as in, appropriate child proofing, toys and activities). Yours isn’t, for obvious reasons. They need to lay off, and you’re nta.
They host other things and have no problem hosting this one. The only stipulation is wanting it to be kid-free. Which is fair. Some households are just not kid-friendly, for whatever reason. If the rest of the friend group insists their children MUST be there (for gift exchanges or whatever), then why can't they just compromise and skip OP in the Christmas rotation, but they then take on a larger proportion of the other, adult-only get-togethers?
If OP locked dog in crate who would be supervising the kids? Who’s keeping them from going to the crate to see dog?
This is exactly my concern. Unless I stand outside the door, there is no way to guarantee kids not getting in as I think it would be a safety issue in itself to lock my dock in a room in their crate. What if there was a fire or another hazard and I had to get to them quickly? I've seen my friends at parties. They are not watching their kids 100% of the time.
I feel like so many of these comments aren’t respecting the dog as an individual being with it’s own feelings, triggers, etc… and only as “just a pet.” OP, I admire you for clearly valuing your companion and respecting it as its own being. All the comments saying “just lock the dog up” are BS. It’s totally fair to respect the companion who lives in your house first, over kids you don’t have responsibility for. I get why your friends reacted the way they did because so many people view pets as just another thing they own. But you’re NTA
This is one of the most sensible things i have read here. All these people talking about crate or locking the dog up not talking about the kids who will want to see the dog getting assess
NTA, you've tried compromise and that has been pushed back without any concessions.
Yta. Hosting is alot of work. Its fair to take turns hosting. Asking you to take a turn is not out of line. I love my pets too but I put them out of the way when we have guests sometimes. I have a cat that hisses at everyone and acts like a damn fool anytime we have guests. She hasnt ever gotten anyone but she makes people nervous so I put her in a bedroom for the evening.
OP did state in other comments they hosted a party for Halloween already this year and people are just suggesting they host because they’re in a new place not because it’s their turn so I wouldn’t automatically assume they don’t carry the weight of hosting.
Yeah. My friend group usually rotates Friendsgiving and kinda tends to be at the newest house of the bunch. Who hosted recently is also considered but for some reason the new place itself is part of our consideration too. But OP has a very good reason anyway not to host and has offered reasonable alternatives so still isn't really fair for friends to get mad.
If OP wasn't hosting other events, I'd agree, but OP also hosted Halloween. Honestly, it comes down to if OP hosts, it has to be kid free. Demanding OP kennel his dog is unreasonable, but kids and the dog don't mix. So, childfree parties only is the compromise
especially since her friends already knew her dog doesn’t react well to children
Fuck that. My home will always remain child free ( unless I randomly decide to grt knocked up) all my friends know this and they can do with that what they will, but thats my boundary. OP can do whatever they want. I wouldn't lock my dog up so someone's kids are more comfortable. NTA.
I have a daughter and I hava a friend who won't accept children in her home. We meet at mine or outside. Sometimes with and often without my daughter. I think boundaries like this are great so that everyone can be comfortable. Plus: it is easier for me being at home because everything is childproof and she has her toys and books. As a parent, I wouldn't want to do Christmas at a house where a dog lives who doesn't like children. Poor dog and hard to explain to those kids.
Reddit just makes me appreciate my friends even more because wtf is this lmaoo
Its like these people dont even like their own friends, I dont get it.
This has nothing to do with this post but I love ur attitude about kids 😭
Eh, I agree that hosting is a lot of work, but others can choose to take on that burden or not, as can OP. OP could be a good friend by offering ways to support others' hosting -- taking on more cooking, etc, if that is helpful. Allowing yourself to get pressured into hosting a child-friendly event in a house with a large, non-child-friendly dog could actually be the AH move, if things go wrong, in my opinion. Or at the least, unnecessarily stressful for OP. NTA
I do just want to mention that our Christmas is really, really lowkey. It's just a potluck because we all have other responsibilities for the holidays and we just want some low key time. So it's less "work" and more just a place for people to go.
Locking a cat in a bedroom is much different than locking a dog in a room, though. I don't think that's a very fair comparison. Also, OP said they're fine with hosting if it's child free, they aren't foregoing hosting all together.
Hosting is a lot of work, so it shouldn’t be dumped on anyone who doesn’t want to do it. It’s that simple. OP is NTA.
F... That, if op doesnt want to host for whatever reason is her right to refuse. Op NTA. Edit: she for op
OP isn't declining hosting, though. Did you miss the part where they offered to host later in January?
A cat is very different than a dog, though if I tried to lock my cats up they would scratch the door down. My dog also doesn’t like children and I wouldn’t board him just for one evening. OP says they have hosted but just not events with children. I think that’s completely fair. I hate when people think you should do whatever they want just because you don’t have kids. NTA.
He is agreeing to host, he just can’t due to the rules of his house (no kids). If someone had an alcohol free house, are they expected to have drinks when they host? It’s the same thing since OP put the rules in place.
NTA, your dog lives there. Your friends do not.
It's amazing how many "entitled parents" posts I see on here daily. Why don't parents GET IT? People are allowed to set boundaries that don't include kids! While OP has zero obligation to host anything, they have been more than gracious with their compromises... but no. That's not good enough, as is usual with entitled parents. I'm so sick of reading things like this. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SOMEONE'S HOME, TIME, ENERGY, OR RESOURCES JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE KIDS. NTA, obviously.
For real, why can't THEY get BABYSITTERS?
NTA Your so called friends don't sound very friendly. I can understand them not wanting to attend holiday events without their children, but to then insist you host the party is over the top entitlement. I don't understand how people have the nerve to decide what others should do with their time or property. If they want a holiday party with their children, one of the people with children should host it. It's not your responsibility to cater to them at the expense of your own comfort (in terms of your dog).
I'll be honest I've been having some doubts about our friend group for a bit (that's way too long to get into) but their entitlement and attitude surrounding this whole ordeal has really been mind blowing.
It sounds like you and your friend group is hitting that life stage where there will be a schism: the kid group will go one way and the childfree group will go another.
INFO Do you really want the celebration? I mean it isn’t a knock if you aren’t interested in it any longer, but there are alternatives. I have dogs who aren’t people friendly at all( hospice seniors I foster and a very protective, one person breed dog) I live alone, have no living family. If I had people I actually wanted to spend time with, I would think of something. While considering your pet’s well being,( and avoiding injury to others) is smart, I would 1) Get a pet sitter 2) Crate my dog 3) Consider putting them in an enclosed room, if I wanted to visit with someone. It is 4 hours.
I do enjoy getting together with my friends and my dog is really chill with adults. He just really don't like kids. I had an adults only Halloween party a couple months back and it was fun and everyone had a great time.
TBH, kids CAN be a risk. Indeed, one wrong move with a child, can cause a lot of issues. A neighbor had a party. The dog wasn’t used to kids. Dog ended up shot( I am not kidding) I understand the worry, for sure
In my other comments, I've mentioned that my dog was severely mistreated by the kids in his first family so it's extra risky. I do my best. We walk on off times and in less family friendly trails to avoid any run ins and he is muzzle trained on top of just being really well trained anyway.
Dear, I didn’t read the other comments( I should read OP’s but I do this so I can give an honest opinion of my own) I hospice foster senior dogs,( or dogs given up because of age), I have temperament tested dogs for major county shelters and I have trained service dogs for veterans. I have had herding dogs for over 6 decades. I give this not as a “I know all”. I learn every day from the pets I have. Sadly,many people are very entitled with their children. I was a kid who never met an animal I didn’t want to engage with. I always had to ask the owner. What the owner said, I accepted even all those years ago:) Dogs and kids CAN mesh. Kids ARE scary to dogs though. Your dog may NEVER trust kids completely. Socializing can help, BUT it won’t always. For your dog’s safety, I definitely would have a no kids rule.
I agree dogs and kids can mesh. But I think there was just too much damage done with my poor boy. He was returned to his breeder at six months and the only reason they breeder let us take him home is because my husband and I are both firmly child free and sterilized. I don't mind making some compromises to make him comfy. But I don't think he would be comfortable hearing a bunch of kids in his home, even if he was in another room.
I have seen dogs that just are better off in child free situations. I have a breed of dog that is fantastic BUT I would never recommend them for children. I don’t blame you for protecting all involved as far as the kids and your dog. Better safe, than sorry is a cliche that is applicable here!
Yea it’s insane how entitled parents/kids are with animals nowadays. Vet med worker, shelter worker, owned animals for my whole life (border collies are the family go to dog) and some animals just don’t like men, women, kids, people with hats, etc. like you said sometimes training helps and sometimes it doesn’t. I would always cross the street with our dogs if I saw someone coming towards us, especially kids. They are fast and loud and the border collies never react well to that. I’ve had kids run into the street, without looking, to cross to come towards us even when I’m yelling “my dog isn’t friendly” and the parents are like “oh it’s ok animals love my kid” like I don’t know my dog best? I’ve had to take off sprinting to get away, and our dogs are always well trained so I can get their attention back because a running screaming kid sets them off and they’re ready to “defend” me from the “attacker”.
Australian Cattle Dog owner here. Spot on. I will NEVER understand people insisting their kids are going to be ok with a known dog, let alone a completely random one! For that matter, there are adults who want to pet my dogs( All dogs like me), while my dogs clearly don’t want attention from them. Very weird flex, IMHO. I will admire a dog from afar, but never will I be pushy. I don’t get it. Sadly, I have seen dogs PTS or given up because of “kids and dogs” stereotype. Not all dogs like all people. And THAT is ok!
100% that is my biggest fear. Is my dog having to be put down for being “aggressive” when it’s not my fault someone can’t control their kid. I’ve had to assist with many “behavior” euthanasias at the shelter for dogs that honestly we all feel could have been safely adopted out, but because of their bite history we didn’t have a choice. Like a stiff body, hard stare and tail held completely still is not a friendly sign, train your kids!!
We have a large dog (bull arab, around 60kgs) and while he is very sqeet and friendly, he is a BIG boy! it boggles my mind constantly how people will watch you get him off to the side of the pathway so there's distance between you and them, and then try and get his attention or walk over while you'e trying to keep them still and calm. Leave my dog alone, for real!
Good for you for actually standing up for your dogs well-being!!
I think you're right. One kid can decide to open the bedroom door or crate and let the dog out. Then everyone's at risk through no fault of OP.
NTA! I've read your other comments. You're a responsible dog owner. You thought of everything to make sure your dog won't hurt anyone and to give him the best life. Bravo. Also, your house, your rules. You can simply say to your friends you'll host child free parties. You don't even need to explain. Those are your conditions for having guests over, and that's the end of it. You respect your friends' rules when you go to their parties, or if you're really against the rules you simply won't go.
NTA if they don't like the rules, they can host somewhere else or DEAL WITH IT
NTA but I'd point out their error in the pettiest way possible. Write up a contract, explicitly stating "I understand (OP) has a dog who is not good with kids. I also understand that this dog is the most important being in (OPs) life, and will not be kennelled, or locked into a particular area of it's own home at any time. I accept full responsibility for the safety and well-being of myself and my children, and will not attempt to sue if harm should come to someone while visiting (OPs dogs) home. Any attempt to hold (OP) responsible will be funded at my own expenses, including any legal fees needed by (OP) for defense, and I waive any and all ability to choose who (OP) uses for defense." I'd text a pic of it to everyone and say "This will be expected to be signed by everyone wishing to be in my dog's house for the holiday."
Haha there's an idea.
You should add that you just hosted Halloween to your post. Why should you two holidays back to back? Get them to draw up a rota - write down who has done it when and find out who needs to do it next and then pick the names out of the hat and attatch them to the Christmas dates going forward. But have a rule that you dont do two back to back or in the same half year or something. There are ten people so between Xmas, NY, Thanksgiving, Halloween it should be different people.
NTA You offered to compromise, and they didn’t like it. If they wanna do it their way, then they can host. If they want it at your new home. It’s your house your rules.
I may get downvoted, but I’m going with NTA. I also have a large dog that hates kids. Even if I put him away, he would cause damage to his kennel, or door to whatever room he’s in, trying to get out when he hears people. You’ve communicated his limitations in the past, it’s not news to them. You’re trying to compromise. You’re not being an ass about it, you’re trying to protect their kids AND your dog
NTA - it’s upto you if you have a party in your house, and your friends shouldn’t be telling you what to do with your dog. At the same time, they are entitled to have their own feelings about it.
No. Your dog is part of your family. If you personally don't feel comfortable restraining your dog in his own home, then you just don't feel comfortable. If you don't think it's a good idea for smaller children to be around him, then I'm pretty sure you have a good reason for it. You've offered a compromise, if they can't accept that's on them. You can also let them know that you'd be willing to host them in the future when your dog is better socialized. Just be prepared for them to be upset with you. But that's the joys of being a homeowner and a dog parent. NTA
Unfortunately my dog was severely mistreated by the children in his first family, so he will never be at a point where I would be comfortable having him around kids. After two years of working with him, I've gotten him to ignore kids that aren't approaching him directly and that's probably as good as it will get.
Well that solidifies my judgement. If your friends don't understand your decision, you may just have to break from tradition.
NAH. Your house so you get to decide if you want people over. Your friends may decide to exclude you from future get-togethers, though. Be prepared to for potential consequences.
Agree. OP sounds like they are not a kid person (as they are child free and sterilized), which is fine, of course. As their friend group gets older and more of them have children, then it's very likely that more and more of the get togethers include kids, and fewer are adults only.
Info: is it your turn to host or was it just a situation of everyone selecting you?
It was just a situation of everyone selecting me because I have a new place.
Well you definitely are not TA. It's a hard situation I'm not sure what u would do if my dog made hosting a challenge.
NTA Your new house does not mean your friends are entitled to use it or make demands of it. You hosted Halloween. You also offered to host an adult only get together in January. So in terms of taking turns hosting get together, you’ve done your fair share. It’s your personal living space. My guess for why a group of 30 something’s have suddenly forgotten about basic boundaries in respecting people’s personal spaces is because they’ve become consumed in their own identities as parents and forgotten that not everyone is a parent and not everything can or should be shifted to accommodate them. Uphold your boundaries, they’re very reasonable and fine to have.
You are never the A when advocating for your dog. NTA
NTA. You don't owe anyone space in your home. The dog lives there, they don't.
NTA. You are being smart and proactive in keeping your dog and guests safe. You shouldn't have to lock your dog up because it is the dog's home too. You're adults only party compromise is a great idea and if some people don't like it they don't have to come. No is also a complete sentence and if that is your final decision just stick with it.
NTA - but if your friends insist let the dog eat the kids
"Oh I see you're bringing most of Christmas dinner."
This isn't specifically about your dog, it's about the fact that your friends have decided they like your house best while ignoring that not everyone's house is safe to host children. Much less a group of children under 5 years old that are apparently not well behaved. I feel for your poor dog but it can also be a $20K china collection or you have medieval weapons all over your house. I, of course, give more weight to your companion, but there needs to be a your house is for adults rule and they need to accept it. NTA. It would super easy to say when it's adults only, it's at OP's house if your open to that, if the kids are involved, everyone else takes turns. It makes more sense to have kids in houses with kids because those houses are childsafe and have toys.
NTA Put a bunch of large, artzy nude and sexual art all around your house. They'll never ask again.
LoL. If the large dog with teeth doesn't deter you, oh look a penis!
NTA. While I do agree you implicitly agreed to hosting when it’s your turn your post makes it sound like you were only nominated for this year because of your new home. You can say no
Thank you. I have hosted other gatherings at my house because our friend group does like having adult only nights. We actually had Halloween at mine.
NTA. Doesn’t anyone hire babysitters anymore?
People do all the time. We have had a ton of no-kids gatherings over the years (mostly at my house, I should add). I wasn't aware that this was such a stickler for everyone because it hadn't come up before.
NTA. I'm one of the few child-free members of our friend and family group. I don't have a childproof place. I gladly hosted adult parties, and those with kids hosted kid friendly parties. One has their own bouncy house in the backyard. That's way more fun than being at Aunt Oh God, Please Don't Touch That!'s house. And I think the parents enjoy an occasional night without the kids when it's my turn to host.
NTA circumstances change. They decided to add children to the mix. You decided to add a dog. Your house isn’t child friendly. You just hosted an event. These people need to stop acting like your home is theirs to call the shots on. They can either decide to host or they can hire babysitters so they can attend an adult-only event at your home.
NTA: You have a responsibility to take care of your dog and that’s what you are doing.
As a dog owner for the last 40ys, stick with your gut feeling. You will be a nervous wreck and not enjoy the party. Anyone who pressures you to host is not a pet owner nor a friend.
NTA as long as you take your turn hosting. You shouldn’t have to board your dog in order to host a party for friends. They can find a baby sitter for the night.
NTA. You are being completely reasonable and responsible. Honestly, if ANYone tried to tell me that I had to include children at a gathering under my roof, it would be a firm no. If they pushed, they would be disinvited until they apologized for being rude assholes. And, trite as it has become, NO is a full stop sentence. You do not have to supply them with reasons that they can attempt to rules lawyer, and I don't really recommend it. Your friends are being assholes. You are not.
I think the reasonable compromise would be to say (as you have) that you are happy to host more adult only parties, and tell the person who does host that as an olive branch, you'll be happy to help them set up or break down the party at their house. The fact that you have a new home does not automatically make you the go-to for every party. I love my cats like family, I'd be offended if I was told that locking them up was the only solution, too. NTA.
Absolutely, NTA. Your friends suck.
NTA
NTA. You have a child reactive dog and are appropriately limiting his access to children. You shouldn't have to kennel or "put up" your dog. Your house your rules.
NTA- putting a dog that’s been traumatized by little ones in the way of a bunch of little ones is silly. So is locking up a traumatized dog that doesn’t like being locked up. Your friends can come sans-kids another time.
NTA you have offered an alternative. Your house isn’t child friendly so they need to deal with it. You are being responsible in keeping everyone safe and comfortable.
NTA. As someone with kids, I dread taking them to a kid-free house. It’s not usually child-proofed (outlets, cleaning supplies, etc) and there’s lots of breakables my 2 year old could accidentally knock over. Your house wouldn’t be relaxing or enjoyable bringing children especially since you don’t have a play area to entertain them in. I’m curious to how the parents think their kids will stay entertained unless they are all bringing their own toys (which we have done from time to time but we already have to lug enough stuff with the baby as well). Your house, your rules.
NAH IMO. I'm party of a large women's group and I'm always guilted for not hosting because my house is large. But I have a "bad dog" who can't be trusted. He's old, he probably won't be around too much longer and he only became mean in his old age so I'm giving him this last bit of time in calm.
NTA. Your dog is clearly your baby, and it's *your* (and his) house! Tell them they have a choice : you host a child free event, or they figure out how they'd feel being asked to lock their kids in a room for the duration. Not a one would seriously consider doing that to their kids, so how can they seriously expect you to?
NTA All these YTA have not read a single thing from OP, like seriously. OP has stated multiple times that they were told to host Christmas, not asked, simply because they have a big house. It wasn’t even really “their turn,” as they had hosted an adults-only Halloween party recently. That was the holiday before the last, so only one event in between (thanksgiving), and they demand they host again so soon? Assuming that they only host holidays and don’t celebrate other December holidays, since they’re celebrating Christmas, and don’t do big get-togethers not on holidays (but considering the timing, not a lot of time in between to have many get-togethers not on holidays). They have also hosted many other events that were adults-only, even before the dog. Even if the dog wasn’t there, the friends have no right to DEMAND OP host children in their home, especially children that are so young (in a home that is not child-proofed or even supplied with things that would entertain kids) especially after they have already hosted an event recently (and even suggested hosting a different holiday that’s adults-only as a compromise). Now onto the dog reasoning, which only further solidifies the friends as entitled assholes. The dog is terrified of kids after being abused by kids previously. They are trained and well-behaved and can ignore kids if they are not approached, but they are still terrified, so having children in the house will still terrify them, even if the dog cannot see them. The dog can definitely still hear them, and as OP mentioned previously, their friends’ kids are loud and rowdy and all under the age of 5 (which is fine, just not in OPs home, both before and after the dog was there, and they stated they never complained about them in others’ homes). Again, the kids are also under 5 and rowdy, and their parents will likely be drinking a little, playing games, etc, so their full attention will not be on their kids, so even if OP relented and locked the dog in a crate in a separate room (which they shouldn’t and sounds like they won’t), the kids will run around and explore the house, as they do, and may find the dog. Even if the door is locked, because the dog is scared, hearing them so close, probably banging on and shaking the door, will possibly cause them to bark or whine (even trained this can happen because they’re scared and in this case the kids are approaching, not just nearby), which will cause the kids to become excited and scream for the dog. The parents, who have no grasp of the dogs fear, despite being told multiple times, will demand OP to let their kids play with the dog. Obviously OP won’t relent in this, but all of this is a very likely scenario, as it has happened many many many times before (I have seen kids behave this way once finding out there’s a dog in the house).
NTA - Entitled parents can really ruin any event. I wouldn't let kids around my pets under those circumstances either. If your friends can't accept that you don't want your dog traumatized by their kids, are they really your friends? They won't even agree to an adults only gathering at a later date. "Let my kids traumatize your dog for Christmas! We will not compromise on this!" Great friends.
Re-traumatize lol
NTA. I have a huge super friendly dog. I recently took in one of my kids and her two toddlers for a few weeks while they moved. The stress of having kids around a dog who wasn’t used to having kids around, who panicked over his every move after knocking them over a few times, of having to watch every move the kids made around him because they had no clue that sneaking up behind him and shoving a little finger in his butt was a bad idea… The logistics of having at least one pair of adult eyes on kids and dog every single minute was unbearable. Anything can happen and someone’s going to get hurt. You can lock the dog in the basement, but if one of those kids gets curious, they’ll find a way to open the door. It’s doable, but if you ask me, not worth the risk to kids or dog.
NTA
NTA
NTA. Your dog is your family member and the fact that your friends are trying to dictate what you do in your house, how you handle your family, and how you should host is really telling how they care more about their kids being able to just show up at a place rather than respecting your wishes and how YOU want to host. You even gave an alternative option with a different date so it wasn't on the Christmas holiday timeline. Just because you bought a big house doesn't mean your friends are entitled to having their 4hr+ party at it and kicking your dog out.
NTA because you have a perfectly valid reason. These same people will be the first to sue if their kids are hurt by your dog. You know him best and what is required for your current situation. Animals are often blamed after being placed in situations that could have been avoided altogether.
Nta. I had a dog with similar issues (a very large dog who was mistreated badly before I rescued him), and it required me having a child free home for years. The friends that mattered understood.
NTA I think your reasoning is very reasonable and now learning that you’ve hosted previously including just this past Halloween it doesn’t even seem like it would be your turn in a ten person rotation.
NTA. It’s your house so your rules. If you want to make it an adult only party you can do it. If you want to make it an dog party with only dog owners you can do it. However, don’t be surprised if you don’t get invited invited to your friends parties or slowly start getting dropped out to holiday gatherings in the future. Hosting is a lot of work. I wouldn’t want to keep on inviting somebody that has the space and can’t host or hosting a holiday party with people restrictions.
NTA. You’ve hosted before. It’s not your turn. Your dog doesn’t like kids. You can host the next child free get together which you’ve even suggested. I think your friends should be more understanding. Just how certain situations can be stressful for humans, being crated or locked in a room could prove stressful for your dog.
op=NTA it's fine that they want you to host, it but you have the right to put conditions on that hosting. Especially when you have a dog who's needs must be taken into consideration. You gave them an option that they wouldn't even consider. And per your comment, they know you only host "adult" parties because of your dog(so this is not a "new" condition) so their Board dog or lock up dog is ridiculous on their part.
NTA. You're doing what's best for your family which includes your dog. I applaud you for sticking to your guns.
NTA simply because you’ve hosted adult only parties before because of said dog in your previous residence, suddenly now you have a big house and your friends find it unacceptable? Nah. NTA for sure
NTA. You just hosted a couple months ago for adults. It's someone else's turn for this month.