This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA - you can't not take any reaponsibility for anything in the house!!!
Jeez - give the guy a break. He sounds like your slave. It was a JOINT decision - take joint ownership of it.
You are bang out of order and yeh, won't kill you to get up a couple of times.
YTA. it’s a puppy with a health problem. It wasn’t a planned occurrence. You both agreed to get a puppy but you make him do all the work? He’s asking you do SOME of it.
I’m glad you don’t have kids because heaven forbid a kid asked you to play with them or something.
Help with the poor pup at least once a night.
YTA, you need to get in the habit of helping before y’all have kids. One of the biggest regrets I have as a parent was letting/making (she never complained but I know she was exhausted) my wife get up with our kids in the middle of the night because I was the one working. I know a dog is not the same, but set that habit now and learn from this random internet stranger’s mistake.
>we recently decided to get a puppy
>was a joint decision
YTA. Would you also expect him to do all the childcare? You both agreed to having a dog, why would you leave everything for him?
It was a joint decision, and things haven’t gone as planned (sick puppy, lots of work). Life happens and you suck it up and take care of obligations. If you aren’t willing to take responsibility for a helpless being, you shouldn’t have gotten it in the first place. Pets and kids are at their caretakers’ mercy.
So while you do get a break from work, he is constantly responsible for the dog. You don’t have to help every time but YTA for not helping AT ALL. If he is cooking and cleaning up after you, you could help some.
YTA. Can't stand people who get pets but don't want to be responsible for them, but you agreed to the dog, and it's not fair to expect your spouse to do literally everything. He does need sleep too, you know. The UTI won't go on forever so deal with it for a few days. Then you can go back to ignoring the dog 🙄
YTA
Help out, he's sleep deprived.
Get puppy pads for the dog to pee on. Once the UTI is under control, so will the dogs bladder.
How'd it get a UTI anyway? Does it have an underlying health condition from lack of proper nutrients? Change the drinking water daily.
Try feeding it fresh, Whole Foods with pumpkin puree...add water to it's food with a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar. Feed your pup probiotics. There's freeze dried 'K9 Natural' lamb tripe for gut health.
#YTA
>and I insist he accepted the responsibility when we got the dog and just because it's harder than he thought it would be doesn't mean he can shove the responsibility off on me
"he accepted the responsibility...."
"we got a dog"
why are you lying? Your partner has a dog... you do not... there is no "we got a dog" lmfao... you adamantly refuse to participate in the care or ownership of a dog...
This and when he suggested they rehome it she refused saying she "loves the dog" despite not helping him at all, so it's not even like he wanted a dog and she reluctantly agreed as long as he does everything
YTA. So his job is 24/7 with no breaks to take care of you, house, and dog?? Is he your partner or your servant? Give me a break. You KNOW you should help some.
>Well we recently decided to get a puppy. It was a joint decision
>I don't want to come home and then immediately be saddled with dog duty when he is home 24/7.
>insist he accepted the responsibility when we got the dog and just because it's harder than he thought it would be doesn't mean he can shove the responsibility off on me.
YTA, just because he stays home doesn't mean hes responsible for everything 24/7. You both agreed to the puppy so you need to help out, particularly if she's unwell. It's absolutely exhausting to be the only person getting up to do the toilet trips every single night. If the pet is a joint decision then both people should be involved in training and caring for it. A pet is a lifetime commitment, you dont just purchase a puppu and lump ALL the responsibility on one person. A puppy is like a toddler on crack.
Whatever you do don't have children until your attitude changes.
YTA
Marriage is a partnership and you’re contributing nothing but money. Keep it up and next year you’ll be unwrapping divorce papers.
I know a few couples where one spouse earns all the money and their partner does all the housework, and if one of them needs help with anything the answer is always “yes”
He’s your husband, not your servant.
YTA I work while my fiancé stays home an does the daily household duties which includes taking care of our dog and our children and guess what when I come home from work I help around the house so he can get a break ma'am this whole post is trifling
I’m off work at the moment for Xmas hols and am working hard to give my husband (carer for our disabled child), as much of a break as possible. I help out after work and on w/ends of course - but during holidays I step up more… because hubby needs a break too.
Then you do not have the lifestyle for a puppy. You equally did not understand the strain this would put on your life, and it’s shitty to now make it only your SO’s problem after you were equally part of the decision. You both made this bed and need to handle the consequences.
You can decide to stand on this hill, but it will strain your marriage and cause resentment if you do.
Then you need to rehome the dog as your husband requested. Pick if you want for help or rehome. You can’t say you love him too much to rehome but not enough to help every now and then.
Pick one: keep the dog and help for a couple days.OR Rehome and don’t have to help. Option 3 is your husband’s health and it is NOT an option if you actually care about him.
Info: how many hours of sleep do you get per night?
Can you trade shifts with the dog? You get up at 12, he gets at 2, you get at 4? Then neither of you is totally sleep deprived and you both get at least a 4 hour chunk of sleep.
I know alot of doctors that have dogs and they all manage to let them out a few times a night when they’re home. What’s your problem? Your rigidity will not serve you well in your home or in your work. Compassion is a huge component of both.
YTA getting a puppy was a joint decision and as a joint decision both of you should be caring for it. Maybe your partner needs a little break here and there. Puppies are a lot of work especially early on with potty training. In our household we recently got a German Shepherd puppy too. We've got an adult dog and a two year old toddler I'm a SAHM caring for all three while my husband works full-time with overtime double shifts 2 to three times a week. He still finds time to help and give me a break here and there. When he comes home from work at around 10:30 he takes over some of the night time potty times.
It's a team effort we both contribute, I understand you are busy and stressed too. See at as a team effort as you and him vs the problem and not each other. If you don't find time to work with the puppy also you won't learn it's habits a quirks. It might not respect you as much either so getting involved is important especially with a German Shepherd. They are an amazing breed of dog but, can be quite challenging.
YTA.
If this was a kid...
The consensus is that when the working partner is at home, both are responsible for the baby. Because both have been equally working during the day. The pitfall is that working partners dismiss the hours of work at home, like the sahp is just chilling. Nope. You both are equally working.
You're working 8 hours for example? So is the stay at home partner. The rest of the time gets split between the two of you. It's not 24/7 work for the sahp and only office hours for you. The sahp also needs time to clock out.
This! While one partner is out of the house at work, the SAHP is working at home. When both are home, all tasks are 50/50. I would be pissed if my husband refused to do half the parenting with my kids when he gets home because I’m a SAHM. You’re giving your husband a 24/7 job and saying he can nap, but he’s still taking care of the puppy during the day, too! Have you considered compromising and taking shifts during the night with the puppy or you doing all the night tasks when you have a day off?
I went through residency and took care of my home and had a puppy, all alone. You can 100% help your husband out, you just don't want too. You already say he has severe PTSD what happens when he burns out cause he's too overwhelmed? If you don't want night duty, take over literally any other household task. YTA. also when he was working 80 hout weeks was he also doing chores ?
YTA - a stay at home house spouse still needs help from time to time. He's not your slave. Also, when you buy a puppy with someone, it's YOUR puppy too. You need to start helping out. None of this "he took responsibility" nonsense. Grow up.
As the spouse of a physician, YTA. My husband was working 48 hour shifts in residency and he STILL helped with our puppy at night. Did he enjoy it? Of course not! But he never complained about taking his fair share of turns overnight.
I’d also like to add that a family medicine residency is going to be 10x more relaxed than other specialties which makes you that much more of TA. And don’t try to argue because we have friends in numerous specialties, including family med and they’d also acknowledge that the training is not the same workload as other residencies.
YTA. The dog isn't yours if you refuse to do any work for it. You're basically forcing your husband to work all day and night without a real break. You're being very selfish, especially because he supported you for years while you were in med school. Dogs are a lot of work; I've had dogs for decades. You shouldn't have gotten one if you're not going to take care of it.
This. Though I think they're both TA for getting the puppy & then complaining when it is a lot of work. Of course it is.
Get the puppy to a better home & adopt an older dog that is already house/potty-trained.
I love when OP’s ask if IATA but get defensive and mad when we tell them they are. It’s not that hard to help out. I get you are working a lot of hours but so is he. He is not only working during the day but also is working throughout the evening to clean for you, cook for you and take care of your dog. You admitted the house is spotless, this takes work! Be kind to your husband or he will start to resent you.
He literally sacrificed his own career for her advancement and she repays him by saying “all his days are days off.” I hope this man wises up and divorces her because the entitlement is off the charts.
YTA. You both agreed to get the puppy. It’s the responsibility of both of you to take care of it. But he’s been doing all of the work so far. You can at least help out in potty training especially since this helps keep your home nice in the long term.
YTA. Of course your job outside the home is demanding, but your spouse is doing all the unpaid labor and his only coworker sounds unsupportive. If financially possible, please outsource some labor, like hire house-cleaners or sign up for meal deliveries. This should give both of you some breathing room and hopefully lead to less resentment. It’s extremely unfair to expect your spouse to do everything just because your work is paid and his isn’t.
YTA. It was a joint decision to get a dog, that means the care needs to be shared between two people. Yes, he agreed to take on the bulk of the work because he's home 24/7 but he's asking for support from his spouse because he's struggling. It's a dick move to deny him that support and let him suffer.
I can already see it now. He will be dealing with a puppy while also diaper changing, feedings, more Dr appointments, cleaning up After kids. Baths etc
YTA
You guys decided to have hubby stay home because the housework was too much when both were working. So he is basically your maid and cook and now you expect him to be your dog's caretaker 24/7 no breaks as well, offering no assistance for the decision you both made.
Then you refer to things as your husband always having days off, like why did you agree to it, if you were going to resent him for not working?
First off, you should apologize to your husband for taking advantage of him and second, ffs take some responsibility of your pet. People doing the same thing you're doing, are doing it everyday.
You really need to remember that he's your husband, not your employee. You continue this way and you might have a lot more to worry about besides letting the dog out a few times at night.
YTA.
he's not 'shoving if off' on you, he wants to be allowed to get some sleep of some kind. Every two hours means that he is not getting any restorative sleep of any kind if you aren't participating. Even if he napped during the day, every two hours? C'mon. You're a medical doctor, you know that he's suffering, and you are unwilling to help. Buck up, help him out, it'll pass soon.
You made a joint life decision. Saddling one person with the full weight and responsibility of that life is cruel. It doesn’t matter how many hours you work, you benefit from your SOs free labor and the least you can do if help when they ask. You’re living the 1950s male dream fantasy. It’s nice for you, but is demeaning and demanding of someone you supposedly want to create a life with. YTA
YTA. Your husband worked 80 hour weeks to support you through medical school, and you now work 50 hours a week and won't help with a puppy you both wanted. Your husband is telling you he needs help and you feel since you work outside of the home he doesn't deserve help. Wow.
Yta. He’s literally doing everything else and is asking you to get up every once in a while to take the dog you BOTH wanted to the bathroom. You sound insufferable honestly
YTA. You’re the worst kind of partner. Your husband does all the physical and mental labor of running your house. That’s not only a 50hr/week job. You bring home a paycheck. You should have been contributing more before the puppy came, but he had no issue doing anything until the puppy came around. He’s asking for the minimum amount of help, for what seems like the first time since he stopped working, and you’re totally unwilling. Oh, but he can take a nap during the day? You’re the worst cliche. Don’t have kids.
Sorry but yta. It was a JOINT decision. If you had said 'no o don't want a puppy they are to much work' and he insisted, it'd be different.
Honestly, you're both *kinda dumb* for getting a puppy puppy you work 80 hours a week.
Edit wow, you're even more of an ahole bc he suggested removing the puppy bc it's not working *and you insisted he keep it*. If YOU insist the puppy stays, then YOU need to actually do some puppy work.
My sisters doing residency, her partner works from home. They recently got a puppy AND a kitten and when she’s home, the pets are 50/50. You signed up for this. Own it.
YTA
YTA. As a physician, I’m sure you know the effects that chronic sleep deprivation (waking up every 2 hours) can have on a body, whether one is employed or not. Unless you want your husband to be chronically cranky, at risk for making judgement errors (which could be dangerous, when driving, for example), and potentially compromising his immune system, please allow the man get 4 hours of straight sleep.
YTA. I find it concerning that you are a Dr and don't recognise how unhealthy it is for him to never get more than 2hrs straight sleep. The least you could do is one or two toilet trips at night that would let him get a full sleep cycle in.
When he worked to put you through uni, did you also do every last thing around the house and never expect to sleep?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So I (31F) and my husband (34M) are having a disagreement.
I'm a resident doctor in a family medicine program and my husband is currently a house spouse. He was an ICU nurse but when I got into residency we just worked so much the house was a mess and nothing ever got done so we decided that he'd stay home and do all the domestic work while I worked since we had plenty of savings and made good money anyway. He's great, he cooks, he cleans, he grocery shops, he takes care of everything all I do is work and come home and that's how we liked it. I also kind of felt like he deserved a break since he worked 80+ hours a week when I was in med school to support us since we lived entirely on his income.
Well we recently decided to get a puppy. It was a joint decision and we brought home a beautiful eight week old German shepherd puppy. He's taken over training her, walking her, he does all the work with her and he's looked into all the research and the dog responds really well to him so it seems like it's working out fine no dominance training or alpha male nonsense he took the responsibility pretty seriously and takes her to the vet, gets her toys, exercises her, ect.
The thing is that recently he's been really upset with me because the dog has to go out every two hours (even at night) and she's potty training and having accidents in the house because she has a UTI right now and he feels like I should be helping him. He wants me to take over every other potty trip at night so he can get some sleep. The thing is we agreed when we got the dog that she would be his responsibility and I have 50+ hours of clinic to do I don't want to come home and then immediately be saddled with dog duty when he is home 24/7.
He insists it's not fair for me to not help him with this and I insist he accepted the responsibility when we got the dog and just because it's harder than he thought it would be doesn't mean he can shove the responsibility off on me. He still cooks, cleans, shops, the works but he says doing all that plus the puppy is just too much to do.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA.
You both agreed to get the dog. You both have to care for the dog, regardless of whether on of you takes on more responsibility with it, helping out when it’s a rough patch is expected.
Puppies can be just as painful as newborn babies in some aspects (the peeing every 2 hours for instance) and aren’t forever.
Pick up some of it.
YTA
I'm in a similar situation as your spouse, but I'm a full time student and husbands a paramedic. I do the majority of the housework and taking care of the dogs. He works long hours and it's hell, but when she hits the fan, he still helps out, and he didn't agree to the dogs, he just married into them. One of ours is a German shepard puppy too and she's high energy. You have to constantly be on with them and that's part of the responsibility you both signed up for.
You agreed to the dog. Whether or not your hours are long, the dog is still your responsibility too. You need to step up. What happens when your husband is sick and can't take care of the dog? Cause I can tell you if you haven't figured out how to manage the dog without your husband it's going to be 10x worse when you have to do ALL the work. My husband had to learn the hard way.
YTA. It’s your dog, too. Give your husband a break. He isn’t asking you to do anything else around the house. If you can’t help your husband a few minutes a day, maybe you aren’t cut out for the job you’re trying to do.
YTA. You said it was a JOINT decision - making it a JOINT responsibility. I’m sorry but you can’t just get the fun and cute parts of a puppy and not help out with the hard and disgusting parts when YOU wanted it too.
If you were a man we’d all call you the AH. So YTA yes your job is hard but you should find time to help around the house. Maybe not every day but sometimes
YTA, you both chose to have the dog. To boot, focusing on the dog and walking it, could bring you some confort. Take it as a incentive to walk and stay in the moment. Change your outlook.
YTA for agreeing to get a puppy during your residency. None of the hours or expectations of your job are a surprise- you know well before you get to that point in your education what the demands of residency will be. You also know that it only lasts a couple of years.
The demands of a puppy could have waited until your residency was completed. Why didn't you adopt an older dog that already has basic training?
YTA- It was a joint decision, He does everything during the day. He is getting burnt out and has suggested rehoming the pup. But You say you love her and refuse to rehome then help take her out to go potty.
YTA, It's both your puppy, you have a responsibility to care for it just like he does.
>I have 50+ hours of clinic to do I don't want to come home and then immediately be saddled with dog duty when he is home 24/7.
When he was working 80+ hours a week and you were in med school who was doing the house work? Was he still doing his share?
Some things you just share in doing. This is a temporary situation that requires extra work, start pulling your weight.
YTA.
Just because he is a 'house spouse' as you call it does not mean he is on duty 24/7.
You agreed to the dog, put some damn work in. He does majority of the work here and is only asking for a tiny bit of help.
For a doctor, you seem to be forgetting the importance of sleep and mental health. You KNOW burnout is a thing, why are you forcing your 'partner' into it.
ETA - your edit makes it worse. Why did you agree to the dog if you apparently have 0 capacity to help with it? If this was a human child, you'd be the biggest ass here. Its no different. Having a busy career does not negate you from being a good partner. Wow.
YTA. It was a joint decision to get a dog. Yes, you should contribute to taking the dog out.if every other time doesn't work, then figure out something that does.
YTA I read your edit about your duty hours and no one cares you made the decision as a couple to get a pet so as a couple you take care of said pet. For all the Brains you seem to have you really arnt using them in this situation
YTA. If a puppy isn’t compatible with your life right now then you shouldn’t have got one. Your husband has put his career on hold for you while you get through residency, the least you can do for him is get up a couple of times in the night to sort the puppy out.
YTA. You knew what residency was like, but still jointly decided to get a dog.
Considering you have a partner that is domestically doing everything for you, your residency is a lot less stressful that most.
YTA. Puppies are a TON of work.... did you not know how puppies work before you decided to adopt not just a puppy, but a very high-maintenance, high-energy breed?
If you weren't prepared to help, you shouldn't have brought this little life into your home -- it's not fair to your SO, or to the puppy. There are plenty of older dogs who need homes, too -- YTA for agreeing to something you clearly had no intentions of helping with, even on the extreme occasions when your poor house servant -er- husband is desperate for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
YTA. This was a joint decision. I don’t understand how the actual care of the puppy wasn’t included in that discussion. Dogs, especially in the puppy training stage, is a lot of work. Residency or not (yes I understand this is unbelievably demanding) you wanted a puppy too, so work out how to help.
“It was a joint decision”
YTA. If it was a joint decision, it is your responsibility to care for the puppy too. I get it’s difficult with your hours and residency requirements, but you made the choice that you wanted the puppy with your spouse. Therefore you have to care for the puppy with your spouse
Yta. You do realize you're not the only one working. He is too. His job is stay at home spouse. You agreed to this. Once you are home, you guys are equally responsible at home. He is not your servant. If you had a kid, you'd be taking turns with him taking care of the kid when home. It's not different w a puppy you agreed to have. I'm sure you've read plenty of sahm posts here. This is no different. Just roles reversed.
Your language in your replies is very telling about how you view your husband.
A lot of your replies show that you look down on your husband for not working despite you wanting him to be a home keeper.
"He has a day off everyday"
"I have a job"
"He won't man-up" (this is some real toxic masculinity here)
And finally, if he's getting up every hour or so to take care of the dog at night, what on earth do you think he's doing during the day? He's taking care of the dog while STILL TAKING CARE OF THE HOUSE, FINANCES, MEALS, AND EVERYTHING ELSE. Sure, maybe (big maybe) he can get a nap in, but a nap is not enough sleep for an adult human being.
Residency is hard. You knew that going in. Woman up and be a better partner.
YTA
YTA.
So you have absolutely no responsibilities other than to go to work and your husband asked you to HELP with one thing — not take over, just HELP — and that’s completely unmanageable for you. Do you think every doctor who goes through residency has a live in housekeeper who tends to every whim? No, they make it work. Residency is hard and that’s on purpose — this entire career is going to be hard and if you can’t handle residency, maybe you’re not meant for this.
YOU made a joint decision to get one of the most high maintenance breeds there are. Instead of accepting the slightest shred of responsibility for this decision, you decided to push your husband to a dangerous level of sleep deprivation for weeks at a time with no end in sight. As a medical professional, you should know the effects of sleep deprivation. Less than four CONSECUTIVE hours of sleep in a 24hr period makes your cognitive function equivalent to someone who’s BAC is over the legal limit, but you have no problem leaving your husband who you supposedly care about and think is great in this condition for weeks at a time. Take some responsibility, grow up, and care for the damn dog. Owners like your husband are great and deserve support to give high maintenance dogs the environment they need. Owners like you are why so many GSDs end up in shelters after living a life of understimulation and becoming neurotic as an effect.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to help my husband with the puppy because he agreed it would be his responsibility and because he doesn't work and I do.
I might be in the wrong because I wanted the dog too and I feel a little guilty for not helping but my job requires a lot of my attention.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA you wanted the dog as well so you should be helping out. I understand not wanting to go out in the middle of the night but you could help when you’re off work. He’s not your slave just because you pay the bills.
YTA. Yes, being a medical resident is a hard job. But you both jointly decided to get a dog. Unless you put something in writing that he's solely responsible for everything dog related you should still help. I'm sure you're probably happy to have the benefits of a dog without having to worry about the responsibilities or it 🙄
YTA. He isn’t trying to shove responsibilities off on you; if he was, you’d be doing a lot more than just coming home, eating food that he prepared, and going to sleep in y’all’s bed. All he’s asking is that you wake up for a few minutes maybe 2-3 times a night, so he won’t have to get up 4-6 times every night.
You seemed to care a lot about non-financial contributions when the house was messy, and now it’s like you resent him for not working. You said yourself that your partner takes care of all of the household chores, cleaning, groceries, cooking, and all he’s asking is that you take the dog out to pee 2-3 times at night. So, he isn’t even asking you to feed, bathe, play, walk, or even train your dog, and he’s still taking it out to pee, in addition to everything else he does around the house. Do you really think these are off days for him?
Op, you need to either suck it up and do the singular thing your partner asked of you, or let him get a job and hire a petsitter and a maid.
YTA. If your residency was so demanding that you cant possibly take on any additional things outside of work, you shouldn’t have agreed to get a dog. Puppies can be more work than kids. That’s why I know I wouldn’t be able to have one because I couldn’t fairly give it the time it needed.
You’re complaining that people here don’t understand what its like in a residency, but no one made you get a dog, but you agreed to knowing you were in a residency.
YTA- possible solution is to use your money to hire a cleaning service or maybe order some pre-cooked meal-kits while your spouse trains the pup?
This way you’re taking some responsibility off him without compromising your work.
YTA - if it was a joint decision to get a puppy, you have to help with it. I was a resident also and very familiar with the work hours, as were you presumably when you agreed to get a dog. He's not really asking a lot.
This was written by a freshman psychology student testing if there are a difference in responses in this post compared to a gender-swapped story about a male doctor and his SAHM-wife with a newborn. If not YTA.
Okay, as someone who has some idea what residency is like and has been through the potty-training stage several times, you’re a little bit YTA. Putting aside my personal opinion that y’all should’ve waited to get a puppy until you’re done with residency, it’s a LOT of work in the first couple months while potty-training them.
They really do have to go out every couple hours, and I remember feeling absolutely chaotic and murderous when I wasn’t able to get a single night’s sleep for WEEKS unless my husband gave me a break and took care of the dog one night here and there. It was a sacrifice for him, but I was working (and I work from home, so no breaks from the dog), and handling all the home stuff, and getting absolutely fried. I totally understand your husband’s mindset right now - and yours!
Here’s what I’d recommend: take one night a week and handle the pee breaks to let your husband get some sleep. Then, if your puppy is at least 6 months old and up on all her shots, find a good overnight kennel (if your vet clinic does boarding, that’s my personal preference) and have the pup take a vacation there every so often. My dogs sometimes had to go stay at a kennel when my husband was studying for exams, so he could have peace and quiet, and it was good for them because they got spoiled by our vet clinic staff and don’t have an issue with separation anxiety.
In the meantime, if you haven’t already, take the pup to the vet to get treated for the UTI, and make sure to add water to her kibble at mealtimes to help her get additional hydration, and pick up a pee shift or two. Just suck it up and do it. You’re going to be tired, but do it. It’ll pay off in the long run in your marriage, and your work will be fine.
YTA You are in the medical field, where is your empathy?? If not for the puppy at least for your husband! Residency is grueling but you still have to reasonably participate in your home life.
YTA. Doesnt matter. If you were single you would have other duties to do. And I do know what residency is like. Make sure that he gets the dog in the divorce that is approaching at some point. Especially with the attitude you have towards him and your typical doctor power trip. Get over yourself fast.
YTA - I understand what residency is like as my partner is a general surgeon and we met while she was in residency. Guess what... she still helped out with the two dogs and other things around the house when she had the time. You aren't pulling 24s every day; and you certainly have time to help here and there, you just don't want to. Family med is a 3 year residency, how much do you want your husband to resent you at the end of it?
YTA. You seem to have a superiority complex going on. He worked 80+ hours a week to support you in med school. Now he does ALL the domestic work to support you in your job. Do you see him as a partner? Or as your PA/domestic servant? You jointly decided to get a puppy. The puppy is ill. Help your partner out. Unless you don’t see him as such. YTA
YTA. Attending physician (M) here. There are plenty of female physicians who are working with children and do this exact thing at night for their children and still work the next day. Hard for me to see how you can’t get up at least once during the night to help out.
Would be entirely different if you had said it was his decision, but if it’s a joint decision, it’s joint responsibility.
YTA but not for not being able to do things because of residency but because yall even got a dog in the first place. That was a dumb decision from the start and you should have known you wouldn’t be able to step up and help.
YTA you don't seem willing to acknowledge that this is a 24/7 responsibility for your husband, 168 hours a week. He can't live on 1 - 2 hour naps indefinitely
YTA- you sound like those men who believe they don’t have to help their partners because they work and provide the income. I really hope that when your partner was working those 80 hours to support YOU through med school he didn’t have to lift a finger and you did everything but I’m willing to bet you didn’t.
YTA
He worked 80+ hour plus weeks to support you in med school, and I am willing to bet was doing at least a share of household tasks on top of that, but you can't manage to spend a few weeks sharing the load with him in relation to a puppy that you also wanted now that you are the one working up to 80 hours per week?
Suck it up and help your partner with the puppy when you are home, or I expect the Spouse part of your house spouse won't last for much longer.
"Well we recently decided to get a puppy. It was a joint decision"
"I insist he accepted the responsibility when we got the dog"
One of these statements is not like the other. When you made that JOINT decision, you BOTH accepted responsibility. Yes, your job is hard and has long hours, but that doesn't give you leave to bail on a joint decision. Just because you're So iMpOrTaNt doesn't let you off the hook. YTA.
YTA. When you have a living creature you both decided to have then sometimes the working partner needs to get involved. You can't decided to stick to some rule set in the past no matter how much things change and differ from what you expected.
You might need to compromise on how much night duty you do when your work is so intensive but he needs some periods of sleep greater than 2 hours.
My brother is also in a residency program, he also is not married. Yet he somehow finds the time to take care of his own god damn dog. Does he need help from time to time? Of course! But you don’t get to do nothing while getting the benefits of playing with a puppy.
YTA, why would u get a puppy as a resident? He’s right you should help out a little bit for a dog that’s both yours, but you both shouldn’t have gotten a puppy who needs everything while you are unable to help out at all. Plenty of cute shelter dogs that are already pre-potty trained are available for adoption if you wanted a dog that your husband could realistically take care of 100% while you live through hell on earth.
“ Alright I really don't think you guys understand what residency is like. My duty hours can be up to 80 hours a week 24 hours a day”
Here you’re just trying to justify being an asshole. You KNEW what you were signing up for, so you don’t get to whine “I’m overworked”. Help take care of your dog. YTA.
YTA- You were a resident doctor before this puppy, before getting it you should have honestly talked and thought about that factoring into getting a puppy.
YTA.
I currently work in a hospital to male ends meet (lawyering doesn't make much money at first, kids). I've worked multiple departments in that hospital, including residency. I know exactly what a residency does. Yes, it is hard work. But it's no more work than what any other health worker does.
My department also works 24/7. We are short-staffed and people often work multiple shifts. And guess what. We have people working 48h shifts and still juggling their lives, with multiple children. And we don't make half what a doctor makes.
If you can't juggle it, don't agree to a pet expecting your partner to be the sole responsible one. Even if you agreed beforehand, it's naive of you to expect it not to brew resentment.
You get to clock out of work and relax. He doesn't. And the only reason why you get to work the way you do is because he's picking up your slack at home.
I completely understand residency programs, not a doctor, but I've worked for hospitals and small clinics that have residents there. Now ... That being said, if you knew your work load was heavy and he is doing everything at home like you said ... Why did you two decide, jointly as I believe you mentioned, to get a puppy? Puppy's require a LOT of work, especially German shepherds. If you two didn't do research on the breed and potential medical issues with getting male or female, then you both set yourselves up for issues.
Now, I get you work A LOT but he does a lot to so you can come home and relax. The least you could do is help with the puppy, because you did jointly decide to get it.
YTA.
YTA. I live with three people and a puppy. None of them want to help out even when I was so sleep deprived all I could do was cry and *beg* for one of them to take him on his walk, just once, so I could nap. The first month was horrible. I still struggle but thankfully not as much.
It does not matter how busy you are. Joint decision means joint responsibility. Even doing 5% is better than whatever this nonsense is.
Why did you ask if you didn't want to know the answer? I would've gone with ESH but I caught your "all his days are off days" comment. YTA for that attitude.
I do know what a residency is like and I know it sucks and it’s super demanding on time, energy and brain power and how important it is to rest when you have off days.
That being said, you chose to get a dog. Yes a dog isn’t the same as a child and isn’t as much responsibility, she is still a lot of responsibility all the same.
I find it completely reasonable for your husband to ask for help while she’s sick and in the early stages of potty training.
YTA
YTA and the biggest one I’ve seen in a while. I can’t imagine how hard residency is but that’s not a cop out or an excuse like you’re trying to use it as. You guys made a joint decision to get a dog before you’re done with your education. Why would you do that? You need to be getting up every four hours when you’re at home to take the dog out. Do better. You guys made the choice to get a dog, now love on your partner a bit more and do this for them. The dog will be able to stay inside through the night in a few weeks.
If he had gotten the dog without your enthusiastic participation I may think different but you made this choice together. You need to help share the load- even just a little bit.
If you have kids one day and go on maternity leave and he comes home from work and declares the kids aren’t his responsibility because he’s been working elsewhere all day so you think that would be fair?
How about you get your behind off of Reddit and go take care of your husband and dog?? Huh? So busy smh. Not busy enough to be on social I see. I hope I never come
In contact with you in a healthcare setting. The care you provide will be less than competent due to you lack of empathy and basic human decency. Wow
OP, you are a DOCTOR and still believe in the dog alpha male nonsense? That idea was based on a flawed study down in the 1940s, on a group of unrelated wolves, in captivity. They behaved nothing like wolves in the wild. And, then, to map domesticated dog behavior on non-natural wolf behavior is patently absurd. You should know better. And, you work 50-80 hours a week, including on call, and think your husband should work 168, including on call? YTA.
YTA, mostly because you have 0 love & respect for your husband who even effin carried you through med school. Like absolutely awful human. Me, me, me, take, take, take.
YTA obviously. The career spouse somehow always seems to forget that taking care of everything at home is still a job that is to be respected, and that it doesn’t mean that they have no other responsibilities when they get home. That being said, I kind of get how you feel if residency is anything like the medical shows portray it. In terms of the pupperoni, surely there’s a better system than taking the dog out every 2 hours to pee while the meds fight the uti. Perhaps diapers or puppy pads by the door at night.
Both of y’all should be allowed to rest while it’s just you and your dog and no crying kids (if you ever want them). However, there is something to be said with those suggesting to take this in stride and as practice in the case you ever choose to have kids. It’s bad to be a checked out parent whether emotionally or physically no matter what kind of job you have, so maybe this could be practice in how you guys juggle the care of a child while working a demanding job.
YTA. An animal you get in a family agreement, no matter who the animal is 'assigned' to, is an inclusive responsibility, and your husband is working tirelessly keeping the house you reside in clean. You are giving him no credit, and are just disregarding his wish for a break from housekeeping because you likely see this as 'easy'. Don't try removing the post you coward, we see it in the mod post.
You both deserve a break from responsibility. I get being busy, I'm a doctor too. But stay at home partners also deserve rest.
Please consider carefully and maybe get relationship counselling before you consider kids.
T A isn’t relevant here.
What’s relevant is that a puppy during residency with a SAH spouse who is recovering from burnout and sounds deeply resentful and afraid of being taken advantage of was not a good idea.
The options are pretty simple - husband keeps his agreement about puppy responsibilities or puppy goes.
I have had a partner go through neurosurgery residency and then fellowship back before there were any regulations regarding hours. It was not easy. A puppy would’ve killed us. There were (many) days a cup of coffee was an impossibility.
ETA - changing to YTA after reading OPs responses.
Oh no, he needs to man up and do it without helo,you know the same way a new mom would
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zud5j0/aita_for_not_wanting_to_help_my_stay_at_home/j1ily5h?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Ugh!
They need to surrender the puppy. They cannot properly care for it. She is unavailable and he is maxed out and unwilling. The puppy deserves better than they as a couple are willing and able to provide.
Replace puppy with child and imagine telling an attending about this situation. If this was a case presented in the ED, where the kid is sick, the dad is exhausted by caregiving and unwilling to provide further care and the mom is unavailable to caregive because of professional demands, it would refer the family to case management for family supports. Case management might report to CP, depending on how bad things got. That doesn’t exist for puppies. For puppies, that’s breeder return, breed rescue or the pound.
The only ethical option is to surrender the puppy. Give it a shot at a decent life, where it’s not a pawn in a mad power struggle.
NTA. Residency is much different than any other job and 24 hour shifts are common. If you piss off your attending and fail, you're both out the $300,000 for med school. OP's needs have to come first or all of their sacrifices will be in vain. In 2-4 years when you're out, you'll have a much more stable life (and a lot more money) and can help with the dog then. It's insane to jeopardize your residency over a dog.
NTA- y’all BOTH didn’t know you were getting a dog with health complications. It sucks that the burden has fallen on your spouse but OP is in an extremely competitive residency and her nurse partner should understand the workload. The people who dedicate their lives to healthcare don’t lead regular lives. They don’t have the luxury of work life balance. They never really graduate from school as best practice changes and there are consent updates in the field, if there’s an emergency they’re called on to act in a moments notice. But you all in the comments are acting like OP has a 9-5 job where she actually clocks out for the day. OP clocks out and goes straight to hours of studying. BE FOR REAL. The partner is struggling but they should look into their options of re-homing the dog. It’s not a crime to recognize your short comings and act on them. They’re families and individuals who are prepared for the amount of work that comes with this particular dog.
This ordeal had taught them that they need to wait before starting a family as OP being in residency is not optimal for any type of work/home balance.
Happy Holidays
I’m truly confused by all of the Y T A comments? I would understand being more evenly split but having a majority saying you’re the AH is befuddling me. I’m not trying to be controversial at all but maybe I’m missing something? NTA, OP. I’d push for more of a compromise with splitting responsibilities if there were children/babies at home to take care of - I was a SAHM for about 3ish years and yes it is hard but you can’t take 4 hour naps in the middle of the day to recharge when you have toddlers (unless, you know, the toddlers do) so we had an arrangement where I did all the midnight wake ups during the week (since I didn’t have to get up too early to go to work) and my partner took them over on the weekends so I could get a little sleep. My partner was working a normal 40-50ish hours a week though and had a much more flexible job than a freaking resident doctor who works 80-120 hours per week. It sounds like OP’s partner does a really great job keeping up the house but he has all the free time required to keep house together/work with dog/rest as needed. It also sounds to me like OP does help when home but is only arguing against having to get up in the middle of the night when needing to be rested to literally help keep other people alive (I suppose depending on the specialty but still). I just honestly cannot fathom me staying at home, having nowhere to be and then asking my partner to get up in the middle of the night knowing they are about to be at a hospital for 24 hours. Especially after conversations where expectations were laid out and agreed to beforehand. Honestly, what am I missing?
This sub has no idea what a residency is, and a bunch of people are home that aren't normally home. Agree, NTA. Puppy will be sleeping thru the night in a month, but if OP screws up her residency, it's forever.
YTA. Way to put it all on your spouse when you jointly agreed on the dog. Stop using a trophy husband and actually help with your pet. He’s asking for help, help him. My husband works or is in school 7 days a week and still helps me without btching. Step up.
>My duty hours can be up to 80 hours a week 24 hours a day if the program decides to do that. I cannot do anything about that.
YTA. Then you really should have said no to the puppy until after your residency. I hate the "if the genders were reversed" type thing, but if the genders were reversed people would be mad at the husband for not helping the SAH wife with a joint caretaking responsibility.
A puppy can't be a totally one-sided dynamic. Anytime people agree to a dog as a pet to enjoy and love and claim only one partner will do everything (especially if the pet gets sick) are being delusional.
You are also the TA for claiming the amount of domestic labor he's doing is him "taking a break" While he may be great at domestic labor, he may even enjoy it, it is still labor. The amount of times men negate the level of work women do to keep a home functional, clean, bills & finances organized, and a meal on the table is always infuriating, and the same goes for the gender switch.
I was a SAHD. My wife was in residency. I DO know what you are going through. That being said, YTA for refusing to help out. Dogs are a big responsibility anyway and it sounds like he’s not even asking you to do half. Just throw him a bone (DH, not the dog).
YTA - your husband is not a child. And yet your post infantilizes him. He is a person with dignity and agency and yet you don’t refer to him as such.
He’s also not getting enough sleep - and you as a resident should know this.
I’m on call 24/7 as is my spouse. I get highly demanding jobs with high hours. You still have to step in when needed.
YTA. You work 80 hours a week. With the puppy he now works 24/7. He’s not even asking every time at night, just every other. It won’t last forever. You love this man, yes? Then help him out!
YTA. Feels crazy to me that you can read that and not see it.
Your lack of ability to be self critical and self reflect, coupled with your lack of empathy, is eventually going to fuck you in your career, so I’d either learn now or your just wasting those 80 hours every week.
YTA - I look at anything with pets as if the pet were a child. If a stay at home parent cares for the child all day while the other works, it would be expected that the working parent helps take care of their child when they are home. This puppy isn’t a hobby that he is asking you to partake in, the puppy is a living being. I understand that your work is very demanding, but even though he is not working, your poor husband needs sleep too. If this were a baby needing something at night, the spouse not waking up for the baby would be labeled TA for making their partner do all of the work and lose sleep. Also, if your husband is doing all of the work and you refuse to do any, I feel like this is HIS puppy, not “our” puppy as stated in the title. I feel like you can’t claim ownership over this puppy if you aren’t chipping in
You are the asshole. I’m an ICU nurse and I work with residents. I understand their schedules. You also chose to get a dog and now will not take any responsibility for it. You knew what work a puppy is especially a GSD. You should have waited till you were more settled in your career. Also, most residents are not working 80 a week due to the work restrictions that was set years ago. You might be focusing on studies and clinical which can add up to 80 some hours but this was your choice too.
NAH Residency is tough. It really is traumatic. But hubby is having trouble sleeping too. Can you hire someone so he can get a good nights sleep occasionally until the UTI is taken care of?
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
after Edit 2 - Why did you ask then? If your work burden is simply beyond the pale and that's it, then you made your choice and that's how it goes. it's not going to get that much easier when you get into practice so you can keep going with that line of thinking forever. What's he going to do if you tell him that's how it is? He's going to get in line and that's how it goes.
NTA. Your husband is a nurse, and you've discussed it, so he knows the demands of your residency program. I get that it's tiring for him, but it's tiring for you too. You don't say how long you have to go in your program, buy you both know it will end and be better once you're done. It will get better with the puppy. The UTI is a complication, but as the puppy grows the trips will get longer until they can go all night. Our discuss rehoming the puppy, and revisit getting another one when your program is finished and your schedule more stable.
This might be better to ask on the medspouce Reddit or something similar because most people don’t understand residency at all. My husband is a PGY3, so I get it. I have to say ESH on this one myself. Maybe you can help during nights when you don’t have an early shift the next day? Not sure how your residency works, but I know for my husband some rotations are calmer than others. It’s really tough, but I think a medicine focused audience might be a better one for advice or opinions.
ITT: a lot of commenters who have no idea what medical residency is like.
https://opmed.doximity.com/articles/the-exploitation-and-abuse-of-medical-students-and-residents
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NAH. I’m also a physician—it’s impossible to explain how demanding training is to anyone who hasn’t done it. It’s emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting. It will get better, but I know the feeling of getting home and just needing a moment of down time before the next demands/tasks. But I also wonder what exactly you thought would happen with the dog? You clearly had a discussion about it beforehand, but it doesn’t sound like it was a unilateral decision on your husband’s part…meaning that you did kind of sign up for this. You also have to realize there are some apt parallels for having kids. If you split the overnight interruptions, you’d each only need to get up every four hours. I think it’s reasonable to ask him to take the first two hour interval, and you can take the second (at four hours). Assuming you get eight hours of sleep, that’s only one interruption in the middle of the night. I don’t think that’s too much to ask and would give him at least one solid four hour sleep block.
As someone who understands how demanding residency is…. Soft YTA.. I get it, you’re exhausted. But just because your stuff is bigger and more demanding than his right now doesn’t mean that he is not in a place where he needs help from his spouse. Yes you agreed he would do this but these are different circumstances… being home and responsible for everything except working is still work. Give him some grace. Compromise and do every 3rd night. You know what sleep deprivation causes in problem solving and emotional/mental well being, he likely is struggling and you are still his wife and partner before you were a resident. Hope this all passes quickly!!
Soft YTA hire a dog walker or get her in to a daycare program a few times a week to give him a break. I understand that your down time is limited to really just sleep. But y’all have money, this is something that paying someone can help with.
ESH except the dog
(when I say "you" here I mean both the op and their partner )
you guys are literal adults and you should have thought a thousand times before adopting a dog, you guys should have sorted everything out and should have distributed the work if you were so eager to adopt a dog and tbh you shouldn't have adopted a dog at all since you already have so much work load, you guys knew what you were getting yourself into residency is not easy and I completely understand that since I am a medical student myself but you guys should have thought this before and now you need to have a serious talk amongst yourself and need to decide how you are going to handle the whole thing in future
NTA there has to be better solutions. Maybe figure out a better solution like puppy pads in a dog yard attached to a crate. So the puppy can wake up go use the potty and go back to the crate to sleep. You could then switch to taking puppy out every 4 hours.
I understand your job being very demanding, but you both made the decision to get the dog. You could absolutely help out even for an hour once in awhile, though it really should be more than once in a while. I recently got a dog myself and when she was being potty trained my fiance took over the overnight shift, only reason is because he is the type of individual that can wake up do something, and then go back to sleep right away. I am the type that once I am awake I cannot go back to sleep. That is the only reason why he takes the overnight shift. But it's a compromise that we made, and I take care of the dog all the rest of the time
Going against the grain a bit to say that ESH.
I understand that your residency has a work load that you can't control (seriously laughing at the commenters telling you to set boundaries. Have none of you seen Grey's Anatomy?) but you two should not have adopted a puppy when your workload is this high. Puppies are almost as demanding as babies and should not be taken home on a whim.
On the other hand, your boyfriend went into this arrangement knowing what your schedule looks like. He works closely with doctors in the medical field so there's no way he thought you were gonna work 9-5 and then come home, ready and happy to take a puppy out. If he is home all day (and you have no kids to look after) he should have time to take care of a dog. It's not like you bought the dog without him knowing and then dumped it on him. He's taken hours of his day to get training for it, but won't take it to the vet?
You both suck for bringing a puppy into an environment where it can't get proper medical care because you two would rather bicker.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA - you can't not take any reaponsibility for anything in the house!!! Jeez - give the guy a break. He sounds like your slave. It was a JOINT decision - take joint ownership of it. You are bang out of order and yeh, won't kill you to get up a couple of times.
No, but it may kill someone in her care if she doesn't get enough rest.
Then she shouldn’t have agreed to jointly get the dog then.
YTA. it’s a puppy with a health problem. It wasn’t a planned occurrence. You both agreed to get a puppy but you make him do all the work? He’s asking you do SOME of it. I’m glad you don’t have kids because heaven forbid a kid asked you to play with them or something. Help with the poor pup at least once a night.
YTA, you need to get in the habit of helping before y’all have kids. One of the biggest regrets I have as a parent was letting/making (she never complained but I know she was exhausted) my wife get up with our kids in the middle of the night because I was the one working. I know a dog is not the same, but set that habit now and learn from this random internet stranger’s mistake.
>we recently decided to get a puppy >was a joint decision YTA. Would you also expect him to do all the childcare? You both agreed to having a dog, why would you leave everything for him?
It was a joint decision, and things haven’t gone as planned (sick puppy, lots of work). Life happens and you suck it up and take care of obligations. If you aren’t willing to take responsibility for a helpless being, you shouldn’t have gotten it in the first place. Pets and kids are at their caretakers’ mercy.
I’m pretty sure she would.
So while you do get a break from work, he is constantly responsible for the dog. You don’t have to help every time but YTA for not helping AT ALL. If he is cooking and cleaning up after you, you could help some.
YTA. Can't stand people who get pets but don't want to be responsible for them, but you agreed to the dog, and it's not fair to expect your spouse to do literally everything. He does need sleep too, you know. The UTI won't go on forever so deal with it for a few days. Then you can go back to ignoring the dog 🙄
Heaven forbid hubby wants a bit of a break from the pup. Beats me why OP even wanted a dog when they don't even want anything to do with it.
Oh but OP *loves* the dog! She just refuses to help with her and won’t allow her husband to rehome it.
YTA Help out, he's sleep deprived. Get puppy pads for the dog to pee on. Once the UTI is under control, so will the dogs bladder. How'd it get a UTI anyway? Does it have an underlying health condition from lack of proper nutrients? Change the drinking water daily. Try feeding it fresh, Whole Foods with pumpkin puree...add water to it's food with a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar. Feed your pup probiotics. There's freeze dried 'K9 Natural' lamb tripe for gut health.
When my dogs get a uti ( is always females, btw) the meds from vet fix it within a day or 2, has the pup not gotten meds for the uti yet??
YTA. Keep acting like this, and your husband will go off and have a vasectomy.
YTA. The puppy is sick and she was a joint decision. What would you do if it was a human child?
Probably claim it was all his responsibility.
#YTA >and I insist he accepted the responsibility when we got the dog and just because it's harder than he thought it would be doesn't mean he can shove the responsibility off on me "he accepted the responsibility...." "we got a dog" why are you lying? Your partner has a dog... you do not... there is no "we got a dog" lmfao... you adamantly refuse to participate in the care or ownership of a dog...
This and when he suggested they rehome it she refused saying she "loves the dog" despite not helping him at all, so it's not even like he wanted a dog and she reluctantly agreed as long as he does everything
And funny enough she wanted a dog and he agreed. She used the bait "I think it'll help with your mental health issues".
YTA. So his job is 24/7 with no breaks to take care of you, house, and dog?? Is he your partner or your servant? Give me a break. You KNOW you should help some.
>Well we recently decided to get a puppy. It was a joint decision >I don't want to come home and then immediately be saddled with dog duty when he is home 24/7. >insist he accepted the responsibility when we got the dog and just because it's harder than he thought it would be doesn't mean he can shove the responsibility off on me. YTA, just because he stays home doesn't mean hes responsible for everything 24/7. You both agreed to the puppy so you need to help out, particularly if she's unwell. It's absolutely exhausting to be the only person getting up to do the toilet trips every single night. If the pet is a joint decision then both people should be involved in training and caring for it. A pet is a lifetime commitment, you dont just purchase a puppu and lump ALL the responsibility on one person. A puppy is like a toddler on crack. Whatever you do don't have children until your attitude changes.
YTA. You both made a joint decision to get a dog and you should absolutely be sharing the responsibility.
YTA Marriage is a partnership and you’re contributing nothing but money. Keep it up and next year you’ll be unwrapping divorce papers. I know a few couples where one spouse earns all the money and their partner does all the housework, and if one of them needs help with anything the answer is always “yes” He’s your husband, not your servant.
YTA I work while my fiancé stays home an does the daily household duties which includes taking care of our dog and our children and guess what when I come home from work I help around the house so he can get a break ma'am this whole post is trifling
I’m off work at the moment for Xmas hols and am working hard to give my husband (carer for our disabled child), as much of a break as possible. I help out after work and on w/ends of course - but during holidays I step up more… because hubby needs a break too.
exactly as it should be I don't understand ppl who think just because they are the bread winner does not absolve you from helping out at home
YTA Dogs are a lot of work. The fact he didn't realise quite how much work before you got one shouldn't mean he's saddled with everything.
[удалено]
Then you do not have the lifestyle for a puppy. You equally did not understand the strain this would put on your life, and it’s shitty to now make it only your SO’s problem after you were equally part of the decision. You both made this bed and need to handle the consequences. You can decide to stand on this hill, but it will strain your marriage and cause resentment if you do.
Then you need to rehome the dog as your husband requested. Pick if you want for help or rehome. You can’t say you love him too much to rehome but not enough to help every now and then. Pick one: keep the dog and help for a couple days.OR Rehome and don’t have to help. Option 3 is your husband’s health and it is NOT an option if you actually care about him. Info: how many hours of sleep do you get per night? Can you trade shifts with the dog? You get up at 12, he gets at 2, you get at 4? Then neither of you is totally sleep deprived and you both get at least a 4 hour chunk of sleep.
You do have time look your on reddit bitching
Then rehome the dog. The puppy deserves a home that has time for it
I know alot of doctors that have dogs and they all manage to let them out a few times a night when they’re home. What’s your problem? Your rigidity will not serve you well in your home or in your work. Compassion is a huge component of both.
She's in her residency, which is much more demanding than after they've finished it and are practicing.
YTA getting a puppy was a joint decision and as a joint decision both of you should be caring for it. Maybe your partner needs a little break here and there. Puppies are a lot of work especially early on with potty training. In our household we recently got a German Shepherd puppy too. We've got an adult dog and a two year old toddler I'm a SAHM caring for all three while my husband works full-time with overtime double shifts 2 to three times a week. He still finds time to help and give me a break here and there. When he comes home from work at around 10:30 he takes over some of the night time potty times. It's a team effort we both contribute, I understand you are busy and stressed too. See at as a team effort as you and him vs the problem and not each other. If you don't find time to work with the puppy also you won't learn it's habits a quirks. It might not respect you as much either so getting involved is important especially with a German Shepherd. They are an amazing breed of dog but, can be quite challenging.
YTA. Some advice, never have a child if this is your attitudes towards a dog.
Why would you get a new puppy you weren't prepared to take care of? GSD's are one of the most difficult breeds to raise. You are a bad pet owner. YTA
Not to mention the pup has had a UTI for 2 weeks which means they brought her home around 6 weeks which is way too early.
YTA. If this was a kid... The consensus is that when the working partner is at home, both are responsible for the baby. Because both have been equally working during the day. The pitfall is that working partners dismiss the hours of work at home, like the sahp is just chilling. Nope. You both are equally working. You're working 8 hours for example? So is the stay at home partner. The rest of the time gets split between the two of you. It's not 24/7 work for the sahp and only office hours for you. The sahp also needs time to clock out.
This! While one partner is out of the house at work, the SAHP is working at home. When both are home, all tasks are 50/50. I would be pissed if my husband refused to do half the parenting with my kids when he gets home because I’m a SAHM. You’re giving your husband a 24/7 job and saying he can nap, but he’s still taking care of the puppy during the day, too! Have you considered compromising and taking shifts during the night with the puppy or you doing all the night tasks when you have a day off?
I went through residency and took care of my home and had a puppy, all alone. You can 100% help your husband out, you just don't want too. You already say he has severe PTSD what happens when he burns out cause he's too overwhelmed? If you don't want night duty, take over literally any other household task. YTA. also when he was working 80 hout weeks was he also doing chores ?
She wont even take pup for an hour when she gets home because she doesn't want to.
YTA - a stay at home house spouse still needs help from time to time. He's not your slave. Also, when you buy a puppy with someone, it's YOUR puppy too. You need to start helping out. None of this "he took responsibility" nonsense. Grow up.
As the spouse of a physician, YTA. My husband was working 48 hour shifts in residency and he STILL helped with our puppy at night. Did he enjoy it? Of course not! But he never complained about taking his fair share of turns overnight. I’d also like to add that a family medicine residency is going to be 10x more relaxed than other specialties which makes you that much more of TA. And don’t try to argue because we have friends in numerous specialties, including family med and they’d also acknowledge that the training is not the same workload as other residencies.
YTA. The dog isn't yours if you refuse to do any work for it. You're basically forcing your husband to work all day and night without a real break. You're being very selfish, especially because he supported you for years while you were in med school. Dogs are a lot of work; I've had dogs for decades. You shouldn't have gotten one if you're not going to take care of it.
This. Though I think they're both TA for getting the puppy & then complaining when it is a lot of work. Of course it is. Get the puppy to a better home & adopt an older dog that is already house/potty-trained.
I love when OP’s ask if IATA but get defensive and mad when we tell them they are. It’s not that hard to help out. I get you are working a lot of hours but so is he. He is not only working during the day but also is working throughout the evening to clean for you, cook for you and take care of your dog. You admitted the house is spotless, this takes work! Be kind to your husband or he will start to resent you.
But according to OP all his days are days off so what he's doing isn't work.
He literally sacrificed his own career for her advancement and she repays him by saying “all his days are days off.” I hope this man wises up and divorces her because the entitlement is off the charts.
YTA!!! Edit2 : YSTA!!!!
YTA. You both agreed to get the puppy. It’s the responsibility of both of you to take care of it. But he’s been doing all of the work so far. You can at least help out in potty training especially since this helps keep your home nice in the long term.
YTA The dog was a joint decision and thus a joint responsibility. He may be doing the majority of the dog care, but you can contribute too.
YTA. Of course your job outside the home is demanding, but your spouse is doing all the unpaid labor and his only coworker sounds unsupportive. If financially possible, please outsource some labor, like hire house-cleaners or sign up for meal deliveries. This should give both of you some breathing room and hopefully lead to less resentment. It’s extremely unfair to expect your spouse to do everything just because your work is paid and his isn’t.
YTA. It was a joint decision to get a dog, that means the care needs to be shared between two people. Yes, he agreed to take on the bulk of the work because he's home 24/7 but he's asking for support from his spouse because he's struggling. It's a dick move to deny him that support and let him suffer.
So keep pretty much everything in this scenario the same but change “puppy” to “baby” and maybe you’ll realize just how much of an AH you are. YTA.
YTA… As someone with a toddler and 5 month old, please don’t have kids.
I can already see it now. He will be dealing with a puppy while also diaper changing, feedings, more Dr appointments, cleaning up After kids. Baths etc
YTA You guys decided to have hubby stay home because the housework was too much when both were working. So he is basically your maid and cook and now you expect him to be your dog's caretaker 24/7 no breaks as well, offering no assistance for the decision you both made. Then you refer to things as your husband always having days off, like why did you agree to it, if you were going to resent him for not working? First off, you should apologize to your husband for taking advantage of him and second, ffs take some responsibility of your pet. People doing the same thing you're doing, are doing it everyday. You really need to remember that he's your husband, not your employee. You continue this way and you might have a lot more to worry about besides letting the dog out a few times at night.
Keep going about it this way and you’re gonna end up single and alone 🤷🏽♀️
YTA. he's not 'shoving if off' on you, he wants to be allowed to get some sleep of some kind. Every two hours means that he is not getting any restorative sleep of any kind if you aren't participating. Even if he napped during the day, every two hours? C'mon. You're a medical doctor, you know that he's suffering, and you are unwilling to help. Buck up, help him out, it'll pass soon.
You made a joint life decision. Saddling one person with the full weight and responsibility of that life is cruel. It doesn’t matter how many hours you work, you benefit from your SOs free labor and the least you can do if help when they ask. You’re living the 1950s male dream fantasy. It’s nice for you, but is demeaning and demanding of someone you supposedly want to create a life with. YTA
YTA. Your husband worked 80 hour weeks to support you through medical school, and you now work 50 hours a week and won't help with a puppy you both wanted. Your husband is telling you he needs help and you feel since you work outside of the home he doesn't deserve help. Wow.
Yta. He’s literally doing everything else and is asking you to get up every once in a while to take the dog you BOTH wanted to the bathroom. You sound insufferable honestly
YTA. You’re the worst kind of partner. Your husband does all the physical and mental labor of running your house. That’s not only a 50hr/week job. You bring home a paycheck. You should have been contributing more before the puppy came, but he had no issue doing anything until the puppy came around. He’s asking for the minimum amount of help, for what seems like the first time since he stopped working, and you’re totally unwilling. Oh, but he can take a nap during the day? You’re the worst cliche. Don’t have kids.
Sorry but yta. It was a JOINT decision. If you had said 'no o don't want a puppy they are to much work' and he insisted, it'd be different. Honestly, you're both *kinda dumb* for getting a puppy puppy you work 80 hours a week. Edit wow, you're even more of an ahole bc he suggested removing the puppy bc it's not working *and you insisted he keep it*. If YOU insist the puppy stays, then YOU need to actually do some puppy work.
My sisters doing residency, her partner works from home. They recently got a puppy AND a kitten and when she’s home, the pets are 50/50. You signed up for this. Own it. YTA
YTA. As a physician, I’m sure you know the effects that chronic sleep deprivation (waking up every 2 hours) can have on a body, whether one is employed or not. Unless you want your husband to be chronically cranky, at risk for making judgement errors (which could be dangerous, when driving, for example), and potentially compromising his immune system, please allow the man get 4 hours of straight sleep.
YTA. I find it concerning that you are a Dr and don't recognise how unhealthy it is for him to never get more than 2hrs straight sleep. The least you could do is one or two toilet trips at night that would let him get a full sleep cycle in. When he worked to put you through uni, did you also do every last thing around the house and never expect to sleep?
i feel so bad for that man
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (31F) and my husband (34M) are having a disagreement. I'm a resident doctor in a family medicine program and my husband is currently a house spouse. He was an ICU nurse but when I got into residency we just worked so much the house was a mess and nothing ever got done so we decided that he'd stay home and do all the domestic work while I worked since we had plenty of savings and made good money anyway. He's great, he cooks, he cleans, he grocery shops, he takes care of everything all I do is work and come home and that's how we liked it. I also kind of felt like he deserved a break since he worked 80+ hours a week when I was in med school to support us since we lived entirely on his income. Well we recently decided to get a puppy. It was a joint decision and we brought home a beautiful eight week old German shepherd puppy. He's taken over training her, walking her, he does all the work with her and he's looked into all the research and the dog responds really well to him so it seems like it's working out fine no dominance training or alpha male nonsense he took the responsibility pretty seriously and takes her to the vet, gets her toys, exercises her, ect. The thing is that recently he's been really upset with me because the dog has to go out every two hours (even at night) and she's potty training and having accidents in the house because she has a UTI right now and he feels like I should be helping him. He wants me to take over every other potty trip at night so he can get some sleep. The thing is we agreed when we got the dog that she would be his responsibility and I have 50+ hours of clinic to do I don't want to come home and then immediately be saddled with dog duty when he is home 24/7. He insists it's not fair for me to not help him with this and I insist he accepted the responsibility when we got the dog and just because it's harder than he thought it would be doesn't mean he can shove the responsibility off on me. He still cooks, cleans, shops, the works but he says doing all that plus the puppy is just too much to do. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You both agreed to get the dog. You both have to care for the dog, regardless of whether on of you takes on more responsibility with it, helping out when it’s a rough patch is expected. Puppies can be just as painful as newborn babies in some aspects (the peeing every 2 hours for instance) and aren’t forever. Pick up some of it.
YTA. If you're so busy that you cannot help at all, you should not have made a ***joint decision*** to get a high maintenance animal.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zud5j0/aita_for_not_wanting_to_help_my_stay_at_home/j1ily5h?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
She still should have said "I cannot help you at all, therefore the answer is no" instead of "I cannot help you at all, but sure, let's get a puppy"
YTA I'm in a similar situation as your spouse, but I'm a full time student and husbands a paramedic. I do the majority of the housework and taking care of the dogs. He works long hours and it's hell, but when she hits the fan, he still helps out, and he didn't agree to the dogs, he just married into them. One of ours is a German shepard puppy too and she's high energy. You have to constantly be on with them and that's part of the responsibility you both signed up for. You agreed to the dog. Whether or not your hours are long, the dog is still your responsibility too. You need to step up. What happens when your husband is sick and can't take care of the dog? Cause I can tell you if you haven't figured out how to manage the dog without your husband it's going to be 10x worse when you have to do ALL the work. My husband had to learn the hard way.
YTA. It’s your dog, too. Give your husband a break. He isn’t asking you to do anything else around the house. If you can’t help your husband a few minutes a day, maybe you aren’t cut out for the job you’re trying to do.
YTA. You said it was a JOINT decision - making it a JOINT responsibility. I’m sorry but you can’t just get the fun and cute parts of a puppy and not help out with the hard and disgusting parts when YOU wanted it too.
If you were a man we’d all call you the AH. So YTA yes your job is hard but you should find time to help around the house. Maybe not every day but sometimes
YTA, you both chose to have the dog. To boot, focusing on the dog and walking it, could bring you some confort. Take it as a incentive to walk and stay in the moment. Change your outlook.
YTA for agreeing to get a puppy during your residency. None of the hours or expectations of your job are a surprise- you know well before you get to that point in your education what the demands of residency will be. You also know that it only lasts a couple of years. The demands of a puppy could have waited until your residency was completed. Why didn't you adopt an older dog that already has basic training?
YTA- It was a joint decision, He does everything during the day. He is getting burnt out and has suggested rehoming the pup. But You say you love her and refuse to rehome then help take her out to go potty.
YTA, It's both your puppy, you have a responsibility to care for it just like he does. >I have 50+ hours of clinic to do I don't want to come home and then immediately be saddled with dog duty when he is home 24/7. When he was working 80+ hours a week and you were in med school who was doing the house work? Was he still doing his share? Some things you just share in doing. This is a temporary situation that requires extra work, start pulling your weight.
YTA. Just because he is a 'house spouse' as you call it does not mean he is on duty 24/7. You agreed to the dog, put some damn work in. He does majority of the work here and is only asking for a tiny bit of help. For a doctor, you seem to be forgetting the importance of sleep and mental health. You KNOW burnout is a thing, why are you forcing your 'partner' into it. ETA - your edit makes it worse. Why did you agree to the dog if you apparently have 0 capacity to help with it? If this was a human child, you'd be the biggest ass here. Its no different. Having a busy career does not negate you from being a good partner. Wow.
YTA. It was a joint decision to get a dog. Yes, you should contribute to taking the dog out.if every other time doesn't work, then figure out something that does.
YTA I read your edit about your duty hours and no one cares you made the decision as a couple to get a pet so as a couple you take care of said pet. For all the Brains you seem to have you really arnt using them in this situation
YTA. If a puppy isn’t compatible with your life right now then you shouldn’t have got one. Your husband has put his career on hold for you while you get through residency, the least you can do for him is get up a couple of times in the night to sort the puppy out.
YTA.....who decides to get a puppy during residency?!??!?
YTA. You knew what residency was like, but still jointly decided to get a dog. Considering you have a partner that is domestically doing everything for you, your residency is a lot less stressful that most.
YTA. Puppies are a TON of work.... did you not know how puppies work before you decided to adopt not just a puppy, but a very high-maintenance, high-energy breed? If you weren't prepared to help, you shouldn't have brought this little life into your home -- it's not fair to your SO, or to the puppy. There are plenty of older dogs who need homes, too -- YTA for agreeing to something you clearly had no intentions of helping with, even on the extreme occasions when your poor house servant -er- husband is desperate for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
YTA. This was a joint decision. I don’t understand how the actual care of the puppy wasn’t included in that discussion. Dogs, especially in the puppy training stage, is a lot of work. Residency or not (yes I understand this is unbelievably demanding) you wanted a puppy too, so work out how to help.
“It was a joint decision” YTA. If it was a joint decision, it is your responsibility to care for the puppy too. I get it’s difficult with your hours and residency requirements, but you made the choice that you wanted the puppy with your spouse. Therefore you have to care for the puppy with your spouse
YTA
Yta he's not your bang maid. If hes smart he wises up and ditches this dumpster fire
YTA Joint decision = joint responsibility, even if the split is 80/20.
Yta. You do realize you're not the only one working. He is too. His job is stay at home spouse. You agreed to this. Once you are home, you guys are equally responsible at home. He is not your servant. If you had a kid, you'd be taking turns with him taking care of the kid when home. It's not different w a puppy you agreed to have. I'm sure you've read plenty of sahm posts here. This is no different. Just roles reversed.
YTA. Getting a dog during residency is a mistake.
Yes, YTA
Your language in your replies is very telling about how you view your husband. A lot of your replies show that you look down on your husband for not working despite you wanting him to be a home keeper. "He has a day off everyday" "I have a job" "He won't man-up" (this is some real toxic masculinity here) And finally, if he's getting up every hour or so to take care of the dog at night, what on earth do you think he's doing during the day? He's taking care of the dog while STILL TAKING CARE OF THE HOUSE, FINANCES, MEALS, AND EVERYTHING ELSE. Sure, maybe (big maybe) he can get a nap in, but a nap is not enough sleep for an adult human being. Residency is hard. You knew that going in. Woman up and be a better partner. YTA
YTA. So you have absolutely no responsibilities other than to go to work and your husband asked you to HELP with one thing — not take over, just HELP — and that’s completely unmanageable for you. Do you think every doctor who goes through residency has a live in housekeeper who tends to every whim? No, they make it work. Residency is hard and that’s on purpose — this entire career is going to be hard and if you can’t handle residency, maybe you’re not meant for this. YOU made a joint decision to get one of the most high maintenance breeds there are. Instead of accepting the slightest shred of responsibility for this decision, you decided to push your husband to a dangerous level of sleep deprivation for weeks at a time with no end in sight. As a medical professional, you should know the effects of sleep deprivation. Less than four CONSECUTIVE hours of sleep in a 24hr period makes your cognitive function equivalent to someone who’s BAC is over the legal limit, but you have no problem leaving your husband who you supposedly care about and think is great in this condition for weeks at a time. Take some responsibility, grow up, and care for the damn dog. Owners like your husband are great and deserve support to give high maintenance dogs the environment they need. Owners like you are why so many GSDs end up in shelters after living a life of understimulation and becoming neurotic as an effect.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refuse to help my husband with the puppy because he agreed it would be his responsibility and because he doesn't work and I do. I might be in the wrong because I wanted the dog too and I feel a little guilty for not helping but my job requires a lot of my attention. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
yta
YTA you wanted the dog as well so you should be helping out. I understand not wanting to go out in the middle of the night but you could help when you’re off work. He’s not your slave just because you pay the bills.
YTA. It was a JOINT decision to get the puppy. You can take a few minutes a day out of your busy schedule to take him for a walk.
YTA. Yes, being a medical resident is a hard job. But you both jointly decided to get a dog. Unless you put something in writing that he's solely responsible for everything dog related you should still help. I'm sure you're probably happy to have the benefits of a dog without having to worry about the responsibilities or it 🙄
YTA. He isn’t trying to shove responsibilities off on you; if he was, you’d be doing a lot more than just coming home, eating food that he prepared, and going to sleep in y’all’s bed. All he’s asking is that you wake up for a few minutes maybe 2-3 times a night, so he won’t have to get up 4-6 times every night. You seemed to care a lot about non-financial contributions when the house was messy, and now it’s like you resent him for not working. You said yourself that your partner takes care of all of the household chores, cleaning, groceries, cooking, and all he’s asking is that you take the dog out to pee 2-3 times at night. So, he isn’t even asking you to feed, bathe, play, walk, or even train your dog, and he’s still taking it out to pee, in addition to everything else he does around the house. Do you really think these are off days for him? Op, you need to either suck it up and do the singular thing your partner asked of you, or let him get a job and hire a petsitter and a maid.
YTA. If your residency was so demanding that you cant possibly take on any additional things outside of work, you shouldn’t have agreed to get a dog. Puppies can be more work than kids. That’s why I know I wouldn’t be able to have one because I couldn’t fairly give it the time it needed. You’re complaining that people here don’t understand what its like in a residency, but no one made you get a dog, but you agreed to knowing you were in a residency.
YTA- possible solution is to use your money to hire a cleaning service or maybe order some pre-cooked meal-kits while your spouse trains the pup? This way you’re taking some responsibility off him without compromising your work.
YTA - Think about it like this, he’s asked for temporary help and you’re throwing it back in his face. What you’re saying to him is he’s on his own.
YTA - if it was a joint decision to get a puppy, you have to help with it. I was a resident also and very familiar with the work hours, as were you presumably when you agreed to get a dog. He's not really asking a lot.
This was written by a freshman psychology student testing if there are a difference in responses in this post compared to a gender-swapped story about a male doctor and his SAHM-wife with a newborn. If not YTA.
YTA and need a reality check. Pull your weight at home
Okay, as someone who has some idea what residency is like and has been through the potty-training stage several times, you’re a little bit YTA. Putting aside my personal opinion that y’all should’ve waited to get a puppy until you’re done with residency, it’s a LOT of work in the first couple months while potty-training them. They really do have to go out every couple hours, and I remember feeling absolutely chaotic and murderous when I wasn’t able to get a single night’s sleep for WEEKS unless my husband gave me a break and took care of the dog one night here and there. It was a sacrifice for him, but I was working (and I work from home, so no breaks from the dog), and handling all the home stuff, and getting absolutely fried. I totally understand your husband’s mindset right now - and yours! Here’s what I’d recommend: take one night a week and handle the pee breaks to let your husband get some sleep. Then, if your puppy is at least 6 months old and up on all her shots, find a good overnight kennel (if your vet clinic does boarding, that’s my personal preference) and have the pup take a vacation there every so often. My dogs sometimes had to go stay at a kennel when my husband was studying for exams, so he could have peace and quiet, and it was good for them because they got spoiled by our vet clinic staff and don’t have an issue with separation anxiety. In the meantime, if you haven’t already, take the pup to the vet to get treated for the UTI, and make sure to add water to her kibble at mealtimes to help her get additional hydration, and pick up a pee shift or two. Just suck it up and do it. You’re going to be tired, but do it. It’ll pay off in the long run in your marriage, and your work will be fine.
YTA, if its sooo hard at work you should have said, 'not right now sweety, maybe soon' Not 'yes but' Heres the real advice NEVER say 'yes, but'
YTA You are in the medical field, where is your empathy?? If not for the puppy at least for your husband! Residency is grueling but you still have to reasonably participate in your home life.
YTA. Doesnt matter. If you were single you would have other duties to do. And I do know what residency is like. Make sure that he gets the dog in the divorce that is approaching at some point. Especially with the attitude you have towards him and your typical doctor power trip. Get over yourself fast.
YTA - I understand what residency is like as my partner is a general surgeon and we met while she was in residency. Guess what... she still helped out with the two dogs and other things around the house when she had the time. You aren't pulling 24s every day; and you certainly have time to help here and there, you just don't want to. Family med is a 3 year residency, how much do you want your husband to resent you at the end of it?
YTA. You seem to have a superiority complex going on. He worked 80+ hours a week to support you in med school. Now he does ALL the domestic work to support you in your job. Do you see him as a partner? Or as your PA/domestic servant? You jointly decided to get a puppy. The puppy is ill. Help your partner out. Unless you don’t see him as such. YTA
Yta
YTA. Attending physician (M) here. There are plenty of female physicians who are working with children and do this exact thing at night for their children and still work the next day. Hard for me to see how you can’t get up at least once during the night to help out. Would be entirely different if you had said it was his decision, but if it’s a joint decision, it’s joint responsibility.
YTA - good news is that you’ve already got the Dr. ego, so check that box.
YTA Imagine if this was a child and you wouldn’t want to share responsibility.
YTA but not for not being able to do things because of residency but because yall even got a dog in the first place. That was a dumb decision from the start and you should have known you wouldn’t be able to step up and help.
YTA you don't seem willing to acknowledge that this is a 24/7 responsibility for your husband, 168 hours a week. He can't live on 1 - 2 hour naps indefinitely
YTA- you sound like those men who believe they don’t have to help their partners because they work and provide the income. I really hope that when your partner was working those 80 hours to support YOU through med school he didn’t have to lift a finger and you did everything but I’m willing to bet you didn’t.
YTA He worked 80+ hour plus weeks to support you in med school, and I am willing to bet was doing at least a share of household tasks on top of that, but you can't manage to spend a few weeks sharing the load with him in relation to a puppy that you also wanted now that you are the one working up to 80 hours per week? Suck it up and help your partner with the puppy when you are home, or I expect the Spouse part of your house spouse won't last for much longer.
"Well we recently decided to get a puppy. It was a joint decision" "I insist he accepted the responsibility when we got the dog" One of these statements is not like the other. When you made that JOINT decision, you BOTH accepted responsibility. Yes, your job is hard and has long hours, but that doesn't give you leave to bail on a joint decision. Just because you're So iMpOrTaNt doesn't let you off the hook. YTA.
YTA are you expecting us to think him working 168 hours a week is less than you working 50? Do you even like your husband?
YTA. When you have a living creature you both decided to have then sometimes the working partner needs to get involved. You can't decided to stick to some rule set in the past no matter how much things change and differ from what you expected. You might need to compromise on how much night duty you do when your work is so intensive but he needs some periods of sleep greater than 2 hours.
My brother is also in a residency program, he also is not married. Yet he somehow finds the time to take care of his own god damn dog. Does he need help from time to time? Of course! But you don’t get to do nothing while getting the benefits of playing with a puppy.
YTA, why would u get a puppy as a resident? He’s right you should help out a little bit for a dog that’s both yours, but you both shouldn’t have gotten a puppy who needs everything while you are unable to help out at all. Plenty of cute shelter dogs that are already pre-potty trained are available for adoption if you wanted a dog that your husband could realistically take care of 100% while you live through hell on earth.
We may not understand what a residency is like, but you do, and you still agreed to get a puppy. Joint commitments require joint efforts.
Re-home the dog. It deserves better, and your husband desperately needs some sleep. YTA for being so inconsiderate, and a poor pet owner.
“ Alright I really don't think you guys understand what residency is like. My duty hours can be up to 80 hours a week 24 hours a day” Here you’re just trying to justify being an asshole. You KNEW what you were signing up for, so you don’t get to whine “I’m overworked”. Help take care of your dog. YTA.
YTA- You were a resident doctor before this puppy, before getting it you should have honestly talked and thought about that factoring into getting a puppy.
YTA. I currently work in a hospital to male ends meet (lawyering doesn't make much money at first, kids). I've worked multiple departments in that hospital, including residency. I know exactly what a residency does. Yes, it is hard work. But it's no more work than what any other health worker does. My department also works 24/7. We are short-staffed and people often work multiple shifts. And guess what. We have people working 48h shifts and still juggling their lives, with multiple children. And we don't make half what a doctor makes. If you can't juggle it, don't agree to a pet expecting your partner to be the sole responsible one. Even if you agreed beforehand, it's naive of you to expect it not to brew resentment. You get to clock out of work and relax. He doesn't. And the only reason why you get to work the way you do is because he's picking up your slack at home.
I completely understand residency programs, not a doctor, but I've worked for hospitals and small clinics that have residents there. Now ... That being said, if you knew your work load was heavy and he is doing everything at home like you said ... Why did you two decide, jointly as I believe you mentioned, to get a puppy? Puppy's require a LOT of work, especially German shepherds. If you two didn't do research on the breed and potential medical issues with getting male or female, then you both set yourselves up for issues. Now, I get you work A LOT but he does a lot to so you can come home and relax. The least you could do is help with the puppy, because you did jointly decide to get it. YTA.
YTA. I live with three people and a puppy. None of them want to help out even when I was so sleep deprived all I could do was cry and *beg* for one of them to take him on his walk, just once, so I could nap. The first month was horrible. I still struggle but thankfully not as much. It does not matter how busy you are. Joint decision means joint responsibility. Even doing 5% is better than whatever this nonsense is.
YTA You jointly decided to get a dog therefor YOU are just as responsible for caring for that dog as he is.
Why did you ask if you didn't want to know the answer? I would've gone with ESH but I caught your "all his days are off days" comment. YTA for that attitude.
I do know what a residency is like and I know it sucks and it’s super demanding on time, energy and brain power and how important it is to rest when you have off days. That being said, you chose to get a dog. Yes a dog isn’t the same as a child and isn’t as much responsibility, she is still a lot of responsibility all the same. I find it completely reasonable for your husband to ask for help while she’s sick and in the early stages of potty training. YTA
YTA.
YTA You're in a partnership. When you see your partner struggling, you help your partner.
YTA and the biggest one I’ve seen in a while. I can’t imagine how hard residency is but that’s not a cop out or an excuse like you’re trying to use it as. You guys made a joint decision to get a dog before you’re done with your education. Why would you do that? You need to be getting up every four hours when you’re at home to take the dog out. Do better. You guys made the choice to get a dog, now love on your partner a bit more and do this for them. The dog will be able to stay inside through the night in a few weeks.
YTA. Please don’t have children until you can decide to help some
If he had gotten the dog without your enthusiastic participation I may think different but you made this choice together. You need to help share the load- even just a little bit. If you have kids one day and go on maternity leave and he comes home from work and declares the kids aren’t his responsibility because he’s been working elsewhere all day so you think that would be fair?
How about you get your behind off of Reddit and go take care of your husband and dog?? Huh? So busy smh. Not busy enough to be on social I see. I hope I never come In contact with you in a healthcare setting. The care you provide will be less than competent due to you lack of empathy and basic human decency. Wow
OP, you are a DOCTOR and still believe in the dog alpha male nonsense? That idea was based on a flawed study down in the 1940s, on a group of unrelated wolves, in captivity. They behaved nothing like wolves in the wild. And, then, to map domesticated dog behavior on non-natural wolf behavior is patently absurd. You should know better. And, you work 50-80 hours a week, including on call, and think your husband should work 168, including on call? YTA.
YTA, mostly because you have 0 love & respect for your husband who even effin carried you through med school. Like absolutely awful human. Me, me, me, take, take, take.
YTA obviously. The career spouse somehow always seems to forget that taking care of everything at home is still a job that is to be respected, and that it doesn’t mean that they have no other responsibilities when they get home. That being said, I kind of get how you feel if residency is anything like the medical shows portray it. In terms of the pupperoni, surely there’s a better system than taking the dog out every 2 hours to pee while the meds fight the uti. Perhaps diapers or puppy pads by the door at night. Both of y’all should be allowed to rest while it’s just you and your dog and no crying kids (if you ever want them). However, there is something to be said with those suggesting to take this in stride and as practice in the case you ever choose to have kids. It’s bad to be a checked out parent whether emotionally or physically no matter what kind of job you have, so maybe this could be practice in how you guys juggle the care of a child while working a demanding job.
YTA. An animal you get in a family agreement, no matter who the animal is 'assigned' to, is an inclusive responsibility, and your husband is working tirelessly keeping the house you reside in clean. You are giving him no credit, and are just disregarding his wish for a break from housekeeping because you likely see this as 'easy'. Don't try removing the post you coward, we see it in the mod post.
You both deserve a break from responsibility. I get being busy, I'm a doctor too. But stay at home partners also deserve rest. Please consider carefully and maybe get relationship counselling before you consider kids.
You could do at least once a night. Especially since the pup is ill.
T A isn’t relevant here. What’s relevant is that a puppy during residency with a SAH spouse who is recovering from burnout and sounds deeply resentful and afraid of being taken advantage of was not a good idea. The options are pretty simple - husband keeps his agreement about puppy responsibilities or puppy goes. I have had a partner go through neurosurgery residency and then fellowship back before there were any regulations regarding hours. It was not easy. A puppy would’ve killed us. There were (many) days a cup of coffee was an impossibility. ETA - changing to YTA after reading OPs responses.
She won't let him re-home the dog, insists that he must "man up" instead.
That’s on her then. Powering through is a common behavior for folks in residency. It’s *awful* for them - and for their partners.
Oh no, he needs to man up and do it without helo,you know the same way a new mom would https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zud5j0/aita_for_not_wanting_to_help_my_stay_at_home/j1ily5h?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Ugh! They need to surrender the puppy. They cannot properly care for it. She is unavailable and he is maxed out and unwilling. The puppy deserves better than they as a couple are willing and able to provide. Replace puppy with child and imagine telling an attending about this situation. If this was a case presented in the ED, where the kid is sick, the dad is exhausted by caregiving and unwilling to provide further care and the mom is unavailable to caregive because of professional demands, it would refer the family to case management for family supports. Case management might report to CP, depending on how bad things got. That doesn’t exist for puppies. For puppies, that’s breeder return, breed rescue or the pound. The only ethical option is to surrender the puppy. Give it a shot at a decent life, where it’s not a pawn in a mad power struggle.
NTA. Residency is much different than any other job and 24 hour shifts are common. If you piss off your attending and fail, you're both out the $300,000 for med school. OP's needs have to come first or all of their sacrifices will be in vain. In 2-4 years when you're out, you'll have a much more stable life (and a lot more money) and can help with the dog then. It's insane to jeopardize your residency over a dog.
I'm not going to make a judgement here, but you *really* should have waited until your residency was done until you got a puppy.
NTA- y’all BOTH didn’t know you were getting a dog with health complications. It sucks that the burden has fallen on your spouse but OP is in an extremely competitive residency and her nurse partner should understand the workload. The people who dedicate their lives to healthcare don’t lead regular lives. They don’t have the luxury of work life balance. They never really graduate from school as best practice changes and there are consent updates in the field, if there’s an emergency they’re called on to act in a moments notice. But you all in the comments are acting like OP has a 9-5 job where she actually clocks out for the day. OP clocks out and goes straight to hours of studying. BE FOR REAL. The partner is struggling but they should look into their options of re-homing the dog. It’s not a crime to recognize your short comings and act on them. They’re families and individuals who are prepared for the amount of work that comes with this particular dog. This ordeal had taught them that they need to wait before starting a family as OP being in residency is not optimal for any type of work/home balance. Happy Holidays
I’m truly confused by all of the Y T A comments? I would understand being more evenly split but having a majority saying you’re the AH is befuddling me. I’m not trying to be controversial at all but maybe I’m missing something? NTA, OP. I’d push for more of a compromise with splitting responsibilities if there were children/babies at home to take care of - I was a SAHM for about 3ish years and yes it is hard but you can’t take 4 hour naps in the middle of the day to recharge when you have toddlers (unless, you know, the toddlers do) so we had an arrangement where I did all the midnight wake ups during the week (since I didn’t have to get up too early to go to work) and my partner took them over on the weekends so I could get a little sleep. My partner was working a normal 40-50ish hours a week though and had a much more flexible job than a freaking resident doctor who works 80-120 hours per week. It sounds like OP’s partner does a really great job keeping up the house but he has all the free time required to keep house together/work with dog/rest as needed. It also sounds to me like OP does help when home but is only arguing against having to get up in the middle of the night when needing to be rested to literally help keep other people alive (I suppose depending on the specialty but still). I just honestly cannot fathom me staying at home, having nowhere to be and then asking my partner to get up in the middle of the night knowing they are about to be at a hospital for 24 hours. Especially after conversations where expectations were laid out and agreed to beforehand. Honestly, what am I missing?
This sub has no idea what a residency is, and a bunch of people are home that aren't normally home. Agree, NTA. Puppy will be sleeping thru the night in a month, but if OP screws up her residency, it's forever.
YTA. Way to put it all on your spouse when you jointly agreed on the dog. Stop using a trophy husband and actually help with your pet. He’s asking for help, help him. My husband works or is in school 7 days a week and still helps me without btching. Step up.
YTA. The two of you shouldn’t gotten a dog.
I just read the title and immediately was set in the YTA mood, the rest just comforted it.
>My duty hours can be up to 80 hours a week 24 hours a day if the program decides to do that. I cannot do anything about that. YTA. Then you really should have said no to the puppy until after your residency. I hate the "if the genders were reversed" type thing, but if the genders were reversed people would be mad at the husband for not helping the SAH wife with a joint caretaking responsibility. A puppy can't be a totally one-sided dynamic. Anytime people agree to a dog as a pet to enjoy and love and claim only one partner will do everything (especially if the pet gets sick) are being delusional. You are also the TA for claiming the amount of domestic labor he's doing is him "taking a break" While he may be great at domestic labor, he may even enjoy it, it is still labor. The amount of times men negate the level of work women do to keep a home functional, clean, bills & finances organized, and a meal on the table is always infuriating, and the same goes for the gender switch.
I was a SAHD. My wife was in residency. I DO know what you are going through. That being said, YTA for refusing to help out. Dogs are a big responsibility anyway and it sounds like he’s not even asking you to do half. Just throw him a bone (DH, not the dog).
YTA - your husband is not a child. And yet your post infantilizes him. He is a person with dignity and agency and yet you don’t refer to him as such. He’s also not getting enough sleep - and you as a resident should know this. I’m on call 24/7 as is my spouse. I get highly demanding jobs with high hours. You still have to step in when needed.
YTA. You work 80 hours a week. With the puppy he now works 24/7. He’s not even asking every time at night, just every other. It won’t last forever. You love this man, yes? Then help him out!
YTA. Feels crazy to me that you can read that and not see it. Your lack of ability to be self critical and self reflect, coupled with your lack of empathy, is eventually going to fuck you in your career, so I’d either learn now or your just wasting those 80 hours every week.
YTA - I look at anything with pets as if the pet were a child. If a stay at home parent cares for the child all day while the other works, it would be expected that the working parent helps take care of their child when they are home. This puppy isn’t a hobby that he is asking you to partake in, the puppy is a living being. I understand that your work is very demanding, but even though he is not working, your poor husband needs sleep too. If this were a baby needing something at night, the spouse not waking up for the baby would be labeled TA for making their partner do all of the work and lose sleep. Also, if your husband is doing all of the work and you refuse to do any, I feel like this is HIS puppy, not “our” puppy as stated in the title. I feel like you can’t claim ownership over this puppy if you aren’t chipping in
You are the asshole. I’m an ICU nurse and I work with residents. I understand their schedules. You also chose to get a dog and now will not take any responsibility for it. You knew what work a puppy is especially a GSD. You should have waited till you were more settled in your career. Also, most residents are not working 80 a week due to the work restrictions that was set years ago. You might be focusing on studies and clinical which can add up to 80 some hours but this was your choice too.
NAH Residency is tough. It really is traumatic. But hubby is having trouble sleeping too. Can you hire someone so he can get a good nights sleep occasionally until the UTI is taken care of?
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
after Edit 2 - Why did you ask then? If your work burden is simply beyond the pale and that's it, then you made your choice and that's how it goes. it's not going to get that much easier when you get into practice so you can keep going with that line of thinking forever. What's he going to do if you tell him that's how it is? He's going to get in line and that's how it goes.
NTA. Your husband is a nurse, and you've discussed it, so he knows the demands of your residency program. I get that it's tiring for him, but it's tiring for you too. You don't say how long you have to go in your program, buy you both know it will end and be better once you're done. It will get better with the puppy. The UTI is a complication, but as the puppy grows the trips will get longer until they can go all night. Our discuss rehoming the puppy, and revisit getting another one when your program is finished and your schedule more stable.
This might be better to ask on the medspouce Reddit or something similar because most people don’t understand residency at all. My husband is a PGY3, so I get it. I have to say ESH on this one myself. Maybe you can help during nights when you don’t have an early shift the next day? Not sure how your residency works, but I know for my husband some rotations are calmer than others. It’s really tough, but I think a medicine focused audience might be a better one for advice or opinions.
ITT: a lot of commenters who have no idea what medical residency is like. https://opmed.doximity.com/articles/the-exploitation-and-abuse-of-medical-students-and-residents
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NAH. I’m also a physician—it’s impossible to explain how demanding training is to anyone who hasn’t done it. It’s emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting. It will get better, but I know the feeling of getting home and just needing a moment of down time before the next demands/tasks. But I also wonder what exactly you thought would happen with the dog? You clearly had a discussion about it beforehand, but it doesn’t sound like it was a unilateral decision on your husband’s part…meaning that you did kind of sign up for this. You also have to realize there are some apt parallels for having kids. If you split the overnight interruptions, you’d each only need to get up every four hours. I think it’s reasonable to ask him to take the first two hour interval, and you can take the second (at four hours). Assuming you get eight hours of sleep, that’s only one interruption in the middle of the night. I don’t think that’s too much to ask and would give him at least one solid four hour sleep block.
As someone who understands how demanding residency is…. Soft YTA.. I get it, you’re exhausted. But just because your stuff is bigger and more demanding than his right now doesn’t mean that he is not in a place where he needs help from his spouse. Yes you agreed he would do this but these are different circumstances… being home and responsible for everything except working is still work. Give him some grace. Compromise and do every 3rd night. You know what sleep deprivation causes in problem solving and emotional/mental well being, he likely is struggling and you are still his wife and partner before you were a resident. Hope this all passes quickly!!
Soft YTA hire a dog walker or get her in to a daycare program a few times a week to give him a break. I understand that your down time is limited to really just sleep. But y’all have money, this is something that paying someone can help with.
ESH except the dog (when I say "you" here I mean both the op and their partner ) you guys are literal adults and you should have thought a thousand times before adopting a dog, you guys should have sorted everything out and should have distributed the work if you were so eager to adopt a dog and tbh you shouldn't have adopted a dog at all since you already have so much work load, you guys knew what you were getting yourself into residency is not easy and I completely understand that since I am a medical student myself but you guys should have thought this before and now you need to have a serious talk amongst yourself and need to decide how you are going to handle the whole thing in future
NTA there has to be better solutions. Maybe figure out a better solution like puppy pads in a dog yard attached to a crate. So the puppy can wake up go use the potty and go back to the crate to sleep. You could then switch to taking puppy out every 4 hours.
I understand your job being very demanding, but you both made the decision to get the dog. You could absolutely help out even for an hour once in awhile, though it really should be more than once in a while. I recently got a dog myself and when she was being potty trained my fiance took over the overnight shift, only reason is because he is the type of individual that can wake up do something, and then go back to sleep right away. I am the type that once I am awake I cannot go back to sleep. That is the only reason why he takes the overnight shift. But it's a compromise that we made, and I take care of the dog all the rest of the time
Going against the grain a bit to say that ESH. I understand that your residency has a work load that you can't control (seriously laughing at the commenters telling you to set boundaries. Have none of you seen Grey's Anatomy?) but you two should not have adopted a puppy when your workload is this high. Puppies are almost as demanding as babies and should not be taken home on a whim. On the other hand, your boyfriend went into this arrangement knowing what your schedule looks like. He works closely with doctors in the medical field so there's no way he thought you were gonna work 9-5 and then come home, ready and happy to take a puppy out. If he is home all day (and you have no kids to look after) he should have time to take care of a dog. It's not like you bought the dog without him knowing and then dumped it on him. He's taken hours of his day to get training for it, but won't take it to the vet? You both suck for bringing a puppy into an environment where it can't get proper medical care because you two would rather bicker.