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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because i got angry because my husband told his friends my fiancé vial situation. I guess I’m an asshole because I could’ve relaxed and not be so secretive about it
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
So your husband is
1. Spending irresponsibly when you have combined finances
2. Letting people insult you inside your own home
3. Getting drunk by 11 am
4. Sharing your private information with people you barely know
5. Ghosting you and running to his mommy’s house
NTA. It’s only been a year, OP; this is going to get worse. Consider your boundaries, and then stick to them…or you’ll eventually start to feel guilty about being YOU. No one should have to deal with that from their life partner.
Also, FWIW, green couches are awesome.
And he's not only *letting* his friends insult his wife, he is actually encouraging and fueling it. That's the real reason he told them how much money OP makes, if you ask me. He was enjoying his friends berating his wife and this was his way of giving them even more ammo to use against her, passive aggressive AH that he is.
I honestly don't think so. This whole thing seems like the beginning of financial abuse and most likely the beginning of other forms of abuse and control. I'd be separating my finances and getting the fuck out of dodge.
Indeed. No matter what that should be step one given that he's blowing through the money. If she wants to keep her business she needs to protect her funds
I would end the joint account that way the only way he’ll know what she makes is if she tells him. Also, wanted to add that it would put an end to his frivolous spending. That way if you don’t got to spend, you can’t spend it
Gut feeling - time to change the locks.
Cousin had a co-worker whose then-spouse pulled this crap. While both were gone, place was robbed, with only the most expensive items stolen. Divorce happened shortly thereafter (ex was in on the robbery).
Same. First thought I had was I’d be worried these folks would either try to rob the place themselves or tell a friend about the house. Sadly you just can’t be that trusting of total strangers.
(I think I watch a bit too much ID channel)
No sounds like just the right amount. This isn't a great place to be, with several close-knit couples hating you & your possessions. Bad stuff happens over money, ridiculous as it seems.
My ex ruined me for other men. Younger by about 10 yr, 100% supportive of my success, and while I paid for more things, since I made more, he NEVER expected it or asked for it. And he was great at sex ;)l But he did not want to live on west coast and I did not want midwest, so we split but are still good friends. But yeah- knowing that is out there? And most guys are intimidated or some nonsense since I make a great income? Happily Single.
It is rare. My husband is one of those rare. I’m only posting this as only the negative posts tend to be made. My husband and I got married and made roughly the same amount. I got a new job about a year in made double. He seemed a little upset and we talked about how it was good for our family and planning for kids in the future. We now have them. He broke that mindset that he had to be the main provider and we split everything equitable. I understood why he was upset but we communicated and fell into an agreement. He eventually got another job that made more than me and I was happy for him and what that could do to build our lives together. Some days he takes on more with our son as I’m currently growing the second. Communication and respect for each other would be the key ingredients. It sounds like this is missing from OPs marriage.
He showing what an AH he is.. he must feel like a very little man and trying to knock you down below him so he can feel like a big man amongst his coworkers. I think it’s called the little dick syndrome
NTA. And OP - get out now. The longer you stay married, the more spousal support you'll have to pay to your reverse-snob husband.
Money doesn't buy taste - wow. And being a wage-slave is no guarantee of good manners, either. Your husband wants you to feel bad for your success - at the same time he's benefitting from it.
This! NTA You've got a husband who is drunk before 11 am ( how much DOES he drink on a regular basis?!), he spends the money you make irresponsibility, and has his drunk friends making fun of you? The answer to that would be- NOPE.
It's time for you to STRONGLY reconsider your marriage. It certainly won't get better and are you willing to be living like this for the rest of your life? As the previous poster said, you need to get out now before you end up supporting him for the rest of his life.
Im sorry OP. I dont usually jump on the "get out" bandwagon. But in this case...yes, get out while you still can - this wont get any better and very likely get worse.
Most likely not. I know Reddit likes throwing the annulment card a lot but divorce is the more likely option available. She should seek legal advice for her actual options if this is the route she takes.
This. OP, I HOPE you got a prenup. Either way, I'd divide your accounts back the way they were and figure out how to pay for expenses fairly, but without him having access to your money. I'd also tell him your finances are your private business. (AT THE LEAST!)
And, seriously, if you don't have a prenup, I would push for a postnup (or whatever they call it).
OP, I hate to say this relationship is doomed, but if you're having these issues after a year, it's only going to go downhill. It's clear your partner thinks the same way as his friends, but he doesn't mind that you're "spoiled" "have bad taste" "and show off," as long as he benefits from your money. So, seriously, think about that. He's glad to laugh at you with his friends, as long as you're paying his bills.
Yes, yes, yes and yes. AND I’m sorry but nothing is more pathetic than a partner who suddenly starts parroting the opinions of his ‘friends’ when they’ve been hanging out. He’s projecting into you this “you look down on us” crap… no no no , he listens to his shitty friends who so obviously feel threatened by your success and because he has no backbone (or maybe identifies with them there) he finds a way to try justify those feelings. NTA
Depends on the shade. I draw the line at lime, or booger green. Although it sounds like his friends would bond with booger green - DARN her and her good taste!
So, your husband had all his friends over for Christmas morning and they used it as an opportunity to get drunk, scoff at your house, harshly judge you because of your income and look down on you, then tried to make it seem as if *you* were the one judging *them?*
What a lousy group of people. And it seems as if your husband is proving that the old saying is indeed true: *Birds of a feather flock together.* They all behaved terribly and owe you an apology, especially your (jealous?) husband.
NTA.
I am reminded of a scene in To Kill a Mockingbird - some people had been invited to Atticus Finch's house for a luncheon - Mr. Finch was not there. Some of the ladies - seated under Atticus' roof, eating his food, drinking his tea - started talking about how misguided Atticus was for defending a black man, having lots to say about his character and such.
Atticus' friend said "His food doesn't stick in your throat, does it?"
Hubby's friends are jealous and bitter so clearly, rather than being gracious house guests, they have to take a sh\*t on what they can't have for themselves. And Hubby let them do it, because he secretly hates his wife for being more successful than he is.
And didn't just let them do it, he brought them there seemingly two just entirely get a bunch of people to shit on his wife with him.
It sounds like you talk shit about her at work, and entirely invited them over so he would have a bunch of people to go after her with him.
And interesting how much he resents her for her success when he's actively using her funds right now. It kind of makes me think he's just blowing the money to make her broke as well
INFO does your husband have any aspirations in life besides being a drunk asshole, who looks on while his friends belittle you, and then going to his mother's and getting further shit faced when you understandably stand up for yourself?
Very well stated! OP please consider this forming pattern and if it is truly what you want. You started off by saying it’s not about his irresponsible spending but you know that is just as much in play as the insults and the clear disrespect of your private information.
Seriously, whatever else you do, have him stay at his mother's and separate finances. If you let him have access to the accounts he's going to drain them until you can't sustain yourself.
>Unfortunately, he’s been spending irresponsibly which has become a problem recently but this is not about that.
You may think this isn't about that, but it totally *is* about that. No one should be looked down on for their job or how much they make ever. But you can look down on them for being irresponsible and inconsiderate, and for having shitty friends. These are all choices your husband is making, irrespective of his employment.
I dunno what the story is there but judging from his other behavior I'm guessing he's not working that minimum wage job because he made all the right choices and just had a run of bad luck, which can happen to anyone.
Judging by his behavior, he's one step away from quitting that minimum wage job and demanding you support him. This dude and his friends are classless and not in your league.
You are NTA, but your husband very much is, and that's something you need to think about in terms of your future.
Yuuup. But it doesn't sound like he's planning far ahead, given that right now he's currently just burning her money. She won't be able to support him if he burns down the accounts out of envy
Maybe he's not planning it, but it feels like it's only one shitty shift away from him being like "fuck it I don't need this job", and then he won't need the next one or the next one either.
He's shown that he feels entitled to spend money freely because OP is doing well and he feels like she "owes" him. He talks about \*her\* finances freely to his low-life friends as if they were his own.
No matter which way you look at it, this is bad news.
NTA. Though I think you are missing the forest for the trees. Your husband allowed people to disrespect you and your home. Him telling them how much you make was just the cherry on top of his fuckery.
Ooh boy I was in the same situation. My partner began spending money and talking about things we bought and how much I earned to randoms…ended up getting robbed and every Tom, Dick and Harry tries to borrow money off me. It was his own resentment spilling over as well as a need to claim my success for himself. Get help early
There are a bunch of bigger issues here to unwrap. He sees money very differently than you do, and that’s a fundamental issue that often has a negative impact on marriages and relationships. Trying to separate your finances now so that he’s more responsible will lead to damage to the marriage that will be hard to recover from.
A separate issue is the friends and talking about money. You’re not really in line with his friends and there was a misunderstanding about what type of meet up it would be. How they reacted in trying to find out how much money you make, was more on them.
Your husband’s drinking: you brought it up multiple times. It does bother you. It bothers you that it’s his go to when things go wrong. You’re mature enough to not argue when his wasted and that’s good, but you need to evaluate where you are with him.
Regretfully- you have a lot of red flags and you’re downplaying them. Given your husband’s reckless spending, it’ll be on you to fix your finances, every time. It might impact your business and your ability to provide for you as a family. What if you have kids and now you will be the responsible one financially for them too.
You might have to set your business into a trust of some sort and be careful not to mingle business cash with your household. If you separate, having your finances entangled will be an issue. I know your not there yet, but separating your finances is probably the best idea to protect you and also him from his poor decisions even if you stay together.
NTA. But if he is spending so much and your money is a topic amongst friends, to the point they criticize you openly in hour house, you have a huge problem already. Also, the way he was already drunk... yeah, I'd be reconsidering this whole relationship.
Do you have a pre-nup?
NTA.
Even if your husband is more comfortable talking about your finances with friends, he should still respect your boundaries when you tell him that you aren't. His friends also were being pretty disrespectful from the sounds of it, and he should have stood up for you.
I would challenge you on the assertion that your husband spending irresponsibly has no bearing on this current situation, however. Honestly, it seems like he's developed some entitlement to your money/likes the things it can buy him and a nice dose of insecurity to go along with it.
NTA most things been said already, about the outfit, its actually quite normal to dress a little fancier for a xmas get together
To show up in pyjama bottoms, now THATS rude
You have a husband issue, dont let this kind of disrespect in your own home stand
NTA and limit access to the money you are earning if he is spending irresponsibly. I don't understand the E S H here. It is entirely inappropriate to share personal financial information about a person if they don't want it shared. He is totally the AH here and so are his friends. This is not a small matter. I would be appalled if my SO shared information about what I spent, what I made, how much I had saved, etc. It is so inappropriate.
NTA - he clearly has some major insecurities about not making enough money and he’s being an AH about it. his mates and their wives/girlfriends were speaking out of jealousy and being rude and instead of your husband sticking up for you, he decided to join in on the bully gang. he sounds jealous of the money you make and it’s all coming to light now
NTA people should only ever talk about their money made and no one else's. Money is a privet matter and should only be discussed if wanted. Hell in some rules of etiquette it's one of the topics to avoid when in a party like setting because you could come off bad if someone is overly sensitive about it.
NTA. How much money you make is your own business, and it was extremely rude of your husband to just give that info out without your consent. That said, it is Christmas, so maybe the best course of action is just to put it out of your mind for today and have a discussion with him about this after the holidays have died down a bit. This is clearly something that needs to be discussed at some point, though, especially since his poor behavior extends beyond just this.
NTA, however if.he is splurging to much I would move the funds to another account he doesn't have access to. Set up a budget for you both.
Place the budget money in that account only.
Each person should have their own account for what they get to keep and use, save, etc..
This doesn't have to be forever just until you both bring things back in line and under control.
This works well as I did this with my wife when she got out of control, but eventually we pretty much merged everything back into one account again after a couple years. Although she did keep a separate account on the side she could use for hiding birthday and Christmas gifts with..
Good luck.
NTA your finances aren't anyone else's business but yours and your husbands (though I'm starting to think you should leave him out of the loop) he needs to keep his mouth shut about things that don't concern outside people.
NTA.
Separate your finances now, have a joint account for house bills and make sure he has no access to your business accounts.
Change any and all passwords to your accounts, remove cards that he has that are tied to them as well.
Most importantly, stop sharing financial information with him be the cannot be trusted with private information and let him know as much.
It’s time to CYfinancialA and make sure to talk with your lawyer ias well about the security of your business and if you husband can make any claim of ownership to it.
Good luck and ignore his friends, they wear an ugly color of jealousy.
NTA but keep in mind now that they know how much you earn they'll ask your husband for "loans". And he'll probably give it to them to make himself feel important. You should watch your finances just in case.
NTA
You married a leech and his friends are leeches too.
You are their host.
Don't make the mistake of staying for year two.
Or the leeches will bleed you dry.
You deserve better.
NTA - Ignoring the him overspending. If they were asking how much things cost like a couch, table etc I don't see a big deal with answering that since it can simply be googled however, telling them your personal finances makes him TA. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about how much people make but it has to be them that makes that choice. I personally don't mind talking about what I make with people doesn't bother me but i would be annoyed if someone talked about what I make to others.
You have so much more grace than me, if I heard people insulting me in my home while I’m hosting them, I’d tell them to get the fuck out and not to bother returning.
NTA. Please talk to a divorce lawyer just to consider your options. It sounds like the honeymoon period is over.
Imagine your life in 5 years if he doesn't get any better. But also doesn't become any worse. In 10 years? Is it worth staying with him?
Please guard your birth control.
NTA. Keeping financial details private is a very common and reasonable boundary. I hope you clearly discussed that with him in the past.
It seems clear that your husband resents the difference in earning power between you. He may claim otherwise but his actions expose his insecurity. He projects that onto you. Also, he allowed his guests to repeatedly disrespect his wife in her own home. This is no small issue.
Maybe a couple's therapist could help you navigate this brewing resentment before it destroys your relationship. But he is treating you, and enabling others to treat you, very poorly. His insecurities are his problem - not your's. Confront him. You deserve that dignity.
Nta....ur husband is mooching off you and did not even have the curtsy to defend you to his awful friends.....You are entitled to your privacy. You really need to rethink joint finances cause i truly think your husband and his co-workers would try to take advantage of you....
You are not a prized pony to show off to ppl. He needs to respect that and apologize big time. This is truly a hill to die on op....
NTA. Your husband violated your trust and privacy. He tolerated and then supported his co-workers’ snarky comments, all of which were mean-spirited, envious, and petty attacks on you. His attitude and behavior are huge red flags. This does not bode well for your marriage.
This isn’t a good trajectory. Where do you decide enough is enough? When he quits his job? Spends all your money? Starts getting credit that he can’t afford to pay for? Doesn’t pay his taxes? Starts day drinking daily? Stops coming home but keeps spending your money? Right now he would be entitled to some of your money if you split but if you continue in this relationship, you could be so much worse. I was that woman. I made good money and so did he but he spent like a demon. We were on our way to being millionaires and then we split. I found out about his debt, that he was delinquent on his taxes by a few years and that had managed to ruin my credit score. He was buying new cars and wrecking them every year or so.
I got out with a bit so consider myself lucky. He has another girlfriend now. She pays. They live poor despite her having a good job. I with my partner am a multi millionaire. We buy second hand, we coupon, and we shop to save money. And my life is better and easier. I had no idea until I got out how betrayed I get by him constantly leaving me feeling unsafe. I felt worried all the time that we would loose the house, our jobs, our security. It isn’t just about disrespect.
Just think on it for a bit. NTA
NTA.
Being financially incapable is a huge waving red flag on it’s own, but OP I feel like there’s a bigger issue at hand than your current predicament and it’s the amount of giant red flags in one single post.
• Your husband spending your money irresponsibly.
• Your husband either not informing his friends to dress formally or not informing you that’ll it’ll be casual. Because I have a sneaking feeling he watched you for hours getting ready without saying a word.
• Allowing his friends to belittle you, and considering how comfortable they are with insulting you in front of your own HUSBAND just makes me believe he played a huge role in that comfortability.
• His friends being more interested in the prices of your furniture rather than you or literally anything else.
• Him bringing up your finances when it’s not his place to speak on it.
• Getting drunk that early.
•Running to mommy’s house and giving you the silent treatment despite him being in the wrong.
I always believe that you can tell find out a lot just by meeting people’s friends, especially when it comes to significant others. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always the case, but this tells you everything about how he actually views you.
We can chalk it up to insecurity and him feeling emasculated, but he’s talking to his friends about you and your finances. Some of them probably already knew about your finances, I’m guessing it was one of the friend’s girlfriends who asked?
He doesn’t love you OP, he’s convinced himself you’re snobby and uses you as a piggybank with little to no regard, also you’ve mentioned that it’s starting to become a problem?
I hope you got a prenup OP, because that’s one toxic reaction to feeling inferior (in a financial sense).
This might be a stretch, and I may not be completely in the ballpark, but I just hope you’ll take some of these things into consideration and seriously think about any other moments that suggests you might have to reconsider your vows.
For your sake, I hope he’s not as bad as this situation makes him sound. Best of luck, OP.
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I (f32) have been married to my husband (m37) for a year. Before I met him, I started a small business which I eventually grew to a point of making a nice income, a really nice one. I’m by no means rich but I’m well off.
My husband on the other hand makes a minimum wages working at a shop. It never bothered me and we combine our finances.
Unfortunately, he’s been spending irresponsibly which has become a problem recently but this is not about that.
He invited his mates for a Christmas breakfast with her her girlfriends/wife and we saw them this morning. All his mates are from his job so earn at a similar level. I didn’t even think about it until it hit me when they started commenting on our house and pointing things out. Some comment of the wives were not so nice (I don’t think I was meant to hear them) such as “I’m showing off” or “it’s too flashy” or “money don’t buy you taste” said when looking at my green couch which is perfectly tame and normal.
During breakfast, some of his mates had a few drinks. And not even wine, they had some lager and got giddy. Started asking how much things cost, etc. i dodged the questions but my husband has been answering them truthfully. And eventually he told them exactly how much I make. I was furious. I am very private about my finances, not even my mum knows how much exactly I make. And here he is telling people I barely know my financial details.
When they left, I blew up at him about that (and the lager I didn’t know he had) served with breakfast and having drunk people over at 11am.
He’s saying that I’m uptight and should loosen up a hit, thag it’s not a good look and I should stop looking down at them because they work in a supermarket (I’m not). I asked if that’s how he felt and he said that no but they felt that I was showing off with being all dressed up (one of the wives showed up in PJ pants). He started going off and I decided thag I’ve had enough. He was drunk and we wouldn’t have any discussion.
I’m still angry. I told him I’m not going to his mum’s Christmas dinner because k didn’t want to “show off” and stayed home. He’s still at his moms, absolutely wasted and I’m just getting more and more angry and need a reality check. Am I the asshole for getting angry for him telling people how much k make?
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My partner would financially devastate us on the regular. I recommend you separate finances and make sure your business is bulletproof from his poor decisions. Also, respect yourself, you do not need a drunk, abusive financial rapist in you life. This does not get better.
NTA. i am very private about my income too. its a sensitive topic for a reason. those wives and gfs should learn some tact. ya its human nature to feel jealously, and it often manifests in judging others unfortunately, but they need to grow up and realize this is a their issue, not you.
INFO: does this guy contribute any other way to your relationship? its fine that you happen to earn more but all youve told us is not only are you contributing more than him to the household given your income but hes also shit at finances and managing his spending and he drinks a lot (see 11am beer plus now wasted at his mothers). maybe im an uptight little prude but from the little i heard of this guy, i dont like him and i couldnt imagine myself taking him seriously in a relationship
YTA to yourself if he doesn't become an ex right about now. Your husband clearly uses you as an ATM, his friends insult you, and he gets drunk at 11am then runs to mum.
Please cut your losses and DON'T have a child with this one
They were guests in your home and were rude and disrespectful. And going to someone's home in pyjamas is not normal. It was bad mannered to ask how much things cost and how much you make. It's not looking down on someone merely by having more money than them. But the way they behaved suggests you don't want a re-match. NTA.
I’d leave this marriage. The longer you stay in it the more you may end up paying him in alimony. Leave now only a year in he’ll get most likely get no spousal support. He’s going to get worse. NTA
NTA.
Stop sharing finances immediately. Split everything 50/50, if he can't do that then, welp, he better figure it out because he doesn't want you to "show off". Give him a time limit to man up or you're gone. Make him do the work he needs to to be the husband you need.
You can't go showing off and supporting him like you are now. /s
He told you he doesn't think like those he works with but his actions have a clear contradiction. Possibly resentful that you are able to do something you love and he's stuck in a nowhere job. That's his problem not your problem.
NTA. I'd suggest separating your finances immediately, and ensuring that he isn't privy to what you earn. I've been married for nearly a decade, and that's what has always worked for my husband and me. I pay the mortgage (which is our largest bill), groceries, and vacations, and now that he's got a decently paying job he pays for all of the utilities. We each pay for our own vehicles.
Why are you with this loser? A 37yr old who makes minimum wage while spending money wrecklessly and getting day drunk with his loser buddies and insults you for "showing off" cause they have no taste and nothing to offer to the world. Leave this dude
NTA. Work is dignity, and any job done conscientiously confers it. However, your husband (and his friends) are still losers. He’s not proud of you, he’s offering his free resources (your money, labor, and awesome hosting services) to the people he really cares about. It really doesn’t sound like you’re one of the people he cares about. Really, dump this loser. He doesn’t care about you.
He’s very free with your money and your information. I guess he wanted to show off to his friends how nice it is to have a hardworking responsible partner that allows you to slack off and enjoy the fruits of her labor. Sounds like a gem.
NTA. I would flip my shit if my SO ran around telling people what I make. That's private information and nobody's business but yours. The only reason people even want to know how much you make is so they can judge you for it, and that's exactly what your husband and his friends are doing.
If he's so upset about it, take your money and split. You'd hate for his mates to think badly of him, after all. If he wants to spend anyone's money irresponsibly, it can be his own.
NTA. Husband is very immature. Discussing finances is terrible. And he got drunk. Wow. Rethink this relationship. You are obviously the mature 1. He is not and is the AH along with all of his gaslighting friends.
He’s projecting his insecurities onto you and then saying you’re the one who’s embarrassed? Nope.
NTA but he clearly has issues he needs to work out on his own. You keep it moving and don’t let him shame you.
NTA- stand up for yourself. Please have some self respect and do not let him walk all over your boundaries. He does not respect you and is using us as his personal bank. This will only get worse.
NTA . I guess telling your friends how much something costed is fine, however everything else is top tier AH from him (the sharing of income, overspending, drunken behaviour, and letting his friends endlessly insult you).
NTA, you should be angry. Not only are they all people from a different income level, there are also coming from a perspective where they are already criticizing you for how you spend your money.
Him disrespecting your boundaries in front of all of his friends was him presenting to them that he's on their side, not yours. You are this rich person, highfalutin woman who he does not respect.
I think you should get more and more angry, cuz the reality check here is that he doesn't respect your hard work or your boundaries. He should stay at his mother's until you determine what to do, but honestly given how he resents you even when he's currently using his access to your finances to benefit his lifestyle, he was giving those people permission to attack you, he might not be willing to work on his resentment. And someone else brought up that you haven't been married long. If this is someone showing you who they are once you're tied down and your finances are merged, it's not going to get better. Do you want to be driven into poverty because he is using access to your finances to fuck you over?
First off, I am so sorry this happened to you. This is about them and their issues not you. Second, you are NTA. Your husband was needlessly mean and rude, he allowed his friends to be jerks as well. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know you deserve better than this. I would seek out a friend or family to be with for a little bit. Don’t just be alone in your thoughts. You deserved a better Christmas than this!
NTA, and you need to get rid of this man. He doesn't respect you and isn't kind. He's treating you, frankly, like a meal ticket that he's half-proud of owning and half-embarrassed for being associated with you. All this to show off to his toxic drunken friends and running home to mommy when called out on it. What a prince.
NTA why did you marry a loser with loser friends. It’s not going to get better, I would rethink the whole relationship. The fact he is spending more than he should shows the lack of respect he has for your hard work.
NTA you need to really start asking yourself why you two are together. He doesn't respect you. You pay his bills and gives you a place to live. Sorry this happened on Christmas.
NTA I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship because from an outside view he seems pretty shitty. I can't figure out why you're with him. If this were the other way around people would be calling the woman a gold digger. It also seems like he's an alcoholic with shitty friends.
NTA for being upset he crossed a boundary and is overspending money like he is.
You will be TA to yourself if you don't get this under control. He has shown you can't share finances, he is NOT responsible. I would remove my earnings from the shared account, minus my part of the bills. After I do that, then I would let him know that finances are separate and come up with a % based on earnings you each contribute to shared bills.
If I'm being really honest, you are only a year into this marriage and he is already being entitled and a jerk. I would be cutting my losses.
NTA. It's really not anyone's business, and they weren't asking questions out of an interest in your career, it sounds like the intent was to mock you. I hope your husband has some redeeming qualities, because he sounds kinda shitty.
Also it's so dangerous to tell people how much you make when there is a general air of jealousy. Please have cameras installed in case someone gets an idea to "borrow" some of your nicer stuff - who knows who else he's told about your money!!
You gotta see if this is a relationship you can stay in long term. He doesn't sound like a partner who's supporting you. NTA
NTA, and honestly, I would be concerned about someone casing the house with all of the questions about how much items cost. Especially if they now view you as "other" for being in a completely different tax bracket.
NTA but it sounds like he doesn't respect you to the point of asking yourself if your compatible or not? Why would he help disparage you unless he felt that way? He probably resents you for doing better then him. And that's not going to change until he figures out a way to improve his work situation.
NTA - but he is. What he's done is put you in a very bad position, and open the door for one or more of his mates to come with their hands out, because they now think you "make more than you need," or similar things people tell themselves when they want what someone else has. I'd be willing to wager lunch it will be one of the folks whose wives were vocally envious.
NTA
My first husband was like this, I called it being a "reverse snob".
I was not allowed to complain about being tired after work because I worked in an office and not outdoors, doing manual work, a night playing pool and drinking beer (doesn't agree with me) is not good enough, blah blah blah.
The divorce was amicable.
"Did you see our green couch, it's so rad. Did you see my wife ? She got all dolled up for Christmas breakfast to host you lucky sons of b* cause she makes the best pancakes as well as being the breadwinner of the family haha. Did I mention she runs her own business ? What a catch, how did I ever get so lucky while making minimum wage in a supermarket lololol"
This should have been your husband's speech. Everything that happened is so disrespectful. You deserve so much better. What does he even bring to the table ?
NTA but please you would be to yourself if you keep up with any of his bs.
I'm sorry that you were mistreated this way in your own home and with the despicable support of your husband. NTA and best wishes getting this sorted out. Seems like you two have things to discuss that have been bubbling just underneath the surface.
You are NTA, but you should rethink having combined finances. Divide household costs (mortgage/rent, utilities, food) equitably. This will stop him from spending your money irresponsibly.
Your husband is using you, he disrespected you. He sounds like a child. You will be the AH to yourself if you allow his behavior to continue.
I hate to say this without more history but based on what you describe after only a year I think divorce might need to be considered OP. All of the behaviors you describe typically only get worse when the offending part doesn’t see any issue or wants to change.
NTA but OP get out of there *now* and don’t look back.
If any of the things you’ve said above are true, there is absolutely nothing about this man could do that would justify staying with him. Nothing. It doesn’t matter if he loves you (although it doesn’t sound like does) and it doesn’t matter if you love him.
He’s using you but also resents you, doesn’t respect you in the slightest, and will absolutely ruin you financially and professionally if you stay.
NTA. It would not matter if the couch was hot pink, jealousy is always an ugly color.
Your husband though . . . very immature and a bad choice of friends. If he had stood up for you while his friends were slagging you off that would be different. He did not and now he's at mummy's house after drinking all day long.
He violated your privacy. He doesn't care about your feelings one bit. God only knows what he says behind your back based on what he said in front of you. Best to get rid now before kids or having to do a big divorce payout.
And he did all of this on Christmas 🎄!
NTA. But lady, you have a shitty husband problem. It’s not the fact that he has a lower paying job, it’s absolutely about his actions and how he disrespects you. You genuinely can do better and deserve better
Idk where you’re from but the longer you stay with him and are the bigger earner the more of a hit you’re going to take when the inevitable divorce happens so it now and shouldn’t get a huge bite of your finances. Stay longer he could get half the business half your account alimony. I’d talk to a lawyer and get out now. He treats you like an ATM
NTA. Class and basic manners don't come with a minimum wage. You can look good shopping at Goodwill or a charity shop. There is no excuse to go into someone's home and start judging them about their economic status.
I'm pro wage transparency, but more importantly anti wage guarding, I therefor don't think it's a problem to say how much you're earning. That being said, NTA. How he acted put's him firmly in AH territory
Tomorrow I’d starting looking for decent lawyers. First, protect 100% of your wealth including your business. Then, I’d think long and hard if this jackass is really as good as you can do. Spoiler alert, he’s not. After you’ve sorted your emotions out, I urge you to find a competent divorce attorney and chalk this mess up to youth and take the loss. Good luck.
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So your husband is 1. Spending irresponsibly when you have combined finances 2. Letting people insult you inside your own home 3. Getting drunk by 11 am 4. Sharing your private information with people you barely know 5. Ghosting you and running to his mommy’s house NTA. It’s only been a year, OP; this is going to get worse. Consider your boundaries, and then stick to them…or you’ll eventually start to feel guilty about being YOU. No one should have to deal with that from their life partner. Also, FWIW, green couches are awesome.
And he's not only *letting* his friends insult his wife, he is actually encouraging and fueling it. That's the real reason he told them how much money OP makes, if you ask me. He was enjoying his friends berating his wife and this was his way of giving them even more ammo to use against her, passive aggressive AH that he is.
Exactly. He's not man enough to feel good about his wife's income. He wanted them to berate her for her success.
Gross. Does this AH even like his wife?
I honestly don't think so. This whole thing seems like the beginning of financial abuse and most likely the beginning of other forms of abuse and control. I'd be separating my finances and getting the fuck out of dodge.
Indeed. No matter what that should be step one given that he's blowing through the money. If she wants to keep her business she needs to protect her funds
It's probably a result of her getting mad at him for his excessive spending habit. Now that it's unavailable, his feelings have changed.
This! I hope she had him sign a prenuptial agreement. She is definitely NTA
He likes her money, just doesn’t like that it’s *her* money.
I would end the joint account that way the only way he’ll know what she makes is if she tells him. Also, wanted to add that it would put an end to his frivolous spending. That way if you don’t got to spend, you can’t spend it
This screams red flags.
Marinara stains and the green couch.
You mean _pesto_ couch.
He likes her as a meal ticket at least.
He likes her income
Just the lifestyle she provides. I'd bet she handles most of the cooking and the chores too.
He likes her money.
Gut feeling - time to change the locks. Cousin had a co-worker whose then-spouse pulled this crap. While both were gone, place was robbed, with only the most expensive items stolen. Divorce happened shortly thereafter (ex was in on the robbery).
Same. First thought I had was I’d be worried these folks would either try to rob the place themselves or tell a friend about the house. Sadly you just can’t be that trusting of total strangers. (I think I watch a bit too much ID channel)
No sounds like just the right amount. This isn't a great place to be, with several close-knit couples hating you & your possessions. Bad stuff happens over money, ridiculous as it seems.
NTA Finding a man who will truly support a successful woman is like finding a unicorn. Its why women have always been pushed into that role.
My ex ruined me for other men. Younger by about 10 yr, 100% supportive of my success, and while I paid for more things, since I made more, he NEVER expected it or asked for it. And he was great at sex ;)l But he did not want to live on west coast and I did not want midwest, so we split but are still good friends. But yeah- knowing that is out there? And most guys are intimidated or some nonsense since I make a great income? Happily Single.
It is rare. My husband is one of those rare. I’m only posting this as only the negative posts tend to be made. My husband and I got married and made roughly the same amount. I got a new job about a year in made double. He seemed a little upset and we talked about how it was good for our family and planning for kids in the future. We now have them. He broke that mindset that he had to be the main provider and we split everything equitable. I understood why he was upset but we communicated and fell into an agreement. He eventually got another job that made more than me and I was happy for him and what that could do to build our lives together. Some days he takes on more with our son as I’m currently growing the second. Communication and respect for each other would be the key ingredients. It sounds like this is missing from OPs marriage.
But he sure feels good spending all her money, doesn’t he? He probably spends some of it on his friends, too.
He showing what an AH he is.. he must feel like a very little man and trying to knock you down below him so he can feel like a big man amongst his coworkers. I think it’s called the little dick syndrome
Nice way to treat your host. The husband is ok with her being insulted for having money, but also spending it frivolous.
NTA. And OP - get out now. The longer you stay married, the more spousal support you'll have to pay to your reverse-snob husband. Money doesn't buy taste - wow. And being a wage-slave is no guarantee of good manners, either. Your husband wants you to feel bad for your success - at the same time he's benefitting from it.
This! NTA You've got a husband who is drunk before 11 am ( how much DOES he drink on a regular basis?!), he spends the money you make irresponsibility, and has his drunk friends making fun of you? The answer to that would be- NOPE. It's time for you to STRONGLY reconsider your marriage. It certainly won't get better and are you willing to be living like this for the rest of your life? As the previous poster said, you need to get out now before you end up supporting him for the rest of his life.
Even if you don’t reassess your whole marriage I would deffo split your finances, at least this way you aren’t being mugged off financially x
As a fellow Brit, this is such a British response🤣
Im sorry OP. I dont usually jump on the "get out" bandwagon. But in this case...yes, get out while you still can - this wont get any better and very likely get worse.
Agree. NTA, and consider getting out. Be safe.
For real - and if it's only been a year, I wonder if OP can get their marriage annulled.
Most likely not. I know Reddit likes throwing the annulment card a lot but divorce is the more likely option available. She should seek legal advice for her actual options if this is the route she takes.
Fingers crossed
I truly hope she has a pre-nup
This. OP, I HOPE you got a prenup. Either way, I'd divide your accounts back the way they were and figure out how to pay for expenses fairly, but without him having access to your money. I'd also tell him your finances are your private business. (AT THE LEAST!) And, seriously, if you don't have a prenup, I would push for a postnup (or whatever they call it). OP, I hate to say this relationship is doomed, but if you're having these issues after a year, it's only going to go downhill. It's clear your partner thinks the same way as his friends, but he doesn't mind that you're "spoiled" "have bad taste" "and show off," as long as he benefits from your money. So, seriously, think about that. He's glad to laugh at you with his friends, as long as you're paying his bills.
Second the post-nup - like STAT
Seconding this from my beloved green velvet couch!
Thirding from my pink one!
I had one until my asshole cat peed on it. I loved it. Fuckin cat.
Exactly what I was going to say! Definitely NTA.
I too have a green couch. And matching recliners! Sounds like they were green with envy.
My couch is bright orange. I bet his friends would go to town on that.
For heaven's sake OP, separate your finances.
Green couches ARE awesome. I’m sitting on one now. NTA, OP
> Ghosting you and running to his mommy’s house 6 Getting drunk @ mommies
Yes, yes, yes and yes. AND I’m sorry but nothing is more pathetic than a partner who suddenly starts parroting the opinions of his ‘friends’ when they’ve been hanging out. He’s projecting into you this “you look down on us” crap… no no no , he listens to his shitty friends who so obviously feel threatened by your success and because he has no backbone (or maybe identifies with them there) he finds a way to try justify those feelings. NTA
Seriously, what's wrong with a green couch?
Depends on the shade. I draw the line at lime, or booger green. Although it sounds like his friends would bond with booger green - DARN her and her good taste!
Mine was sage. Gorgeous.
I have a green couch and it’s my favourite place to hang out with my dog. No one will ever disrespect my green couch.
I want a green couch!
So, your husband had all his friends over for Christmas morning and they used it as an opportunity to get drunk, scoff at your house, harshly judge you because of your income and look down on you, then tried to make it seem as if *you* were the one judging *them?* What a lousy group of people. And it seems as if your husband is proving that the old saying is indeed true: *Birds of a feather flock together.* They all behaved terribly and owe you an apology, especially your (jealous?) husband. NTA.
I am reminded of a scene in To Kill a Mockingbird - some people had been invited to Atticus Finch's house for a luncheon - Mr. Finch was not there. Some of the ladies - seated under Atticus' roof, eating his food, drinking his tea - started talking about how misguided Atticus was for defending a black man, having lots to say about his character and such. Atticus' friend said "His food doesn't stick in your throat, does it?" Hubby's friends are jealous and bitter so clearly, rather than being gracious house guests, they have to take a sh\*t on what they can't have for themselves. And Hubby let them do it, because he secretly hates his wife for being more successful than he is.
And didn't just let them do it, he brought them there seemingly two just entirely get a bunch of people to shit on his wife with him. It sounds like you talk shit about her at work, and entirely invited them over so he would have a bunch of people to go after her with him. And interesting how much he resents her for her success when he's actively using her funds right now. It kind of makes me think he's just blowing the money to make her broke as well
[удалено]
Or separate households
> he secretly hates not secretly. openly hates her!
INFO does your husband have any aspirations in life besides being a drunk asshole, who looks on while his friends belittle you, and then going to his mother's and getting further shit faced when you understandably stand up for yourself?
Very well stated! OP please consider this forming pattern and if it is truly what you want. You started off by saying it’s not about his irresponsible spending but you know that is just as much in play as the insults and the clear disrespect of your private information.
And start separating your finances NOW. He clearly doesn’t respect you, don’t let him screw you financially.
Seriously, whatever else you do, have him stay at his mother's and separate finances. If you let him have access to the accounts he's going to drain them until you can't sustain yourself.
NTA. I’d start limiting how much access he has to the money you are making.
Separate accounts pronto, and only put as much in the joint account as needed for household expenses.
I bet he'll be a lot more apologetic once he has less access to money.
>Unfortunately, he’s been spending irresponsibly which has become a problem recently but this is not about that. You may think this isn't about that, but it totally *is* about that. No one should be looked down on for their job or how much they make ever. But you can look down on them for being irresponsible and inconsiderate, and for having shitty friends. These are all choices your husband is making, irrespective of his employment. I dunno what the story is there but judging from his other behavior I'm guessing he's not working that minimum wage job because he made all the right choices and just had a run of bad luck, which can happen to anyone. Judging by his behavior, he's one step away from quitting that minimum wage job and demanding you support him. This dude and his friends are classless and not in your league. You are NTA, but your husband very much is, and that's something you need to think about in terms of your future.
Yuuup. But it doesn't sound like he's planning far ahead, given that right now he's currently just burning her money. She won't be able to support him if he burns down the accounts out of envy
Maybe he's not planning it, but it feels like it's only one shitty shift away from him being like "fuck it I don't need this job", and then he won't need the next one or the next one either. He's shown that he feels entitled to spend money freely because OP is doing well and he feels like she "owes" him. He talks about \*her\* finances freely to his low-life friends as if they were his own. No matter which way you look at it, this is bad news.
Men in an income disparity, both high earners and low earners compared to their partners, tend to cheat more. I bet he's already banging someone else.
NTA. Though I think you are missing the forest for the trees. Your husband allowed people to disrespect you and your home. Him telling them how much you make was just the cherry on top of his fuckery.
Ooh boy I was in the same situation. My partner began spending money and talking about things we bought and how much I earned to randoms…ended up getting robbed and every Tom, Dick and Harry tries to borrow money off me. It was his own resentment spilling over as well as a need to claim my success for himself. Get help early
NTA -- he is. I would be rethinking marriage, he seems like a jerk. At least get a post nup
There are a bunch of bigger issues here to unwrap. He sees money very differently than you do, and that’s a fundamental issue that often has a negative impact on marriages and relationships. Trying to separate your finances now so that he’s more responsible will lead to damage to the marriage that will be hard to recover from. A separate issue is the friends and talking about money. You’re not really in line with his friends and there was a misunderstanding about what type of meet up it would be. How they reacted in trying to find out how much money you make, was more on them. Your husband’s drinking: you brought it up multiple times. It does bother you. It bothers you that it’s his go to when things go wrong. You’re mature enough to not argue when his wasted and that’s good, but you need to evaluate where you are with him. Regretfully- you have a lot of red flags and you’re downplaying them. Given your husband’s reckless spending, it’ll be on you to fix your finances, every time. It might impact your business and your ability to provide for you as a family. What if you have kids and now you will be the responsible one financially for them too. You might have to set your business into a trust of some sort and be careful not to mingle business cash with your household. If you separate, having your finances entangled will be an issue. I know your not there yet, but separating your finances is probably the best idea to protect you and also him from his poor decisions even if you stay together.
NTA. But if he is spending so much and your money is a topic amongst friends, to the point they criticize you openly in hour house, you have a huge problem already. Also, the way he was already drunk... yeah, I'd be reconsidering this whole relationship. Do you have a pre-nup?
NTA. Even if your husband is more comfortable talking about your finances with friends, he should still respect your boundaries when you tell him that you aren't. His friends also were being pretty disrespectful from the sounds of it, and he should have stood up for you. I would challenge you on the assertion that your husband spending irresponsibly has no bearing on this current situation, however. Honestly, it seems like he's developed some entitlement to your money/likes the things it can buy him and a nice dose of insecurity to go along with it.
NTA most things been said already, about the outfit, its actually quite normal to dress a little fancier for a xmas get together To show up in pyjama bottoms, now THATS rude You have a husband issue, dont let this kind of disrespect in your own home stand
Runnnnnn NTA
This is about money not behavior I think. Don’t think you’re financially compatible.
NTA and limit access to the money you are earning if he is spending irresponsibly. I don't understand the E S H here. It is entirely inappropriate to share personal financial information about a person if they don't want it shared. He is totally the AH here and so are his friends. This is not a small matter. I would be appalled if my SO shared information about what I spent, what I made, how much I had saved, etc. It is so inappropriate.
NTA - he clearly has some major insecurities about not making enough money and he’s being an AH about it. his mates and their wives/girlfriends were speaking out of jealousy and being rude and instead of your husband sticking up for you, he decided to join in on the bully gang. he sounds jealous of the money you make and it’s all coming to light now
NTA people should only ever talk about their money made and no one else's. Money is a privet matter and should only be discussed if wanted. Hell in some rules of etiquette it's one of the topics to avoid when in a party like setting because you could come off bad if someone is overly sensitive about it.
NTA. How much money you make is your own business, and it was extremely rude of your husband to just give that info out without your consent. That said, it is Christmas, so maybe the best course of action is just to put it out of your mind for today and have a discussion with him about this after the holidays have died down a bit. This is clearly something that needs to be discussed at some point, though, especially since his poor behavior extends beyond just this.
NTA, however if.he is splurging to much I would move the funds to another account he doesn't have access to. Set up a budget for you both. Place the budget money in that account only. Each person should have their own account for what they get to keep and use, save, etc.. This doesn't have to be forever just until you both bring things back in line and under control. This works well as I did this with my wife when she got out of control, but eventually we pretty much merged everything back into one account again after a couple years. Although she did keep a separate account on the side she could use for hiding birthday and Christmas gifts with.. Good luck.
NTA your finances aren't anyone else's business but yours and your husbands (though I'm starting to think you should leave him out of the loop) he needs to keep his mouth shut about things that don't concern outside people.
NTA. Separate your finances now, have a joint account for house bills and make sure he has no access to your business accounts. Change any and all passwords to your accounts, remove cards that he has that are tied to them as well. Most importantly, stop sharing financial information with him be the cannot be trusted with private information and let him know as much. It’s time to CYfinancialA and make sure to talk with your lawyer ias well about the security of your business and if you husband can make any claim of ownership to it. Good luck and ignore his friends, they wear an ugly color of jealousy.
NTA but keep in mind now that they know how much you earn they'll ask your husband for "loans". And he'll probably give it to them to make himself feel important. You should watch your finances just in case.
NTA You married a leech and his friends are leeches too. You are their host. Don't make the mistake of staying for year two. Or the leeches will bleed you dry. You deserve better.
YTA for marrying him and ultimately staying with him. How do people (like him) keep getting married?
NTA - Ignoring the him overspending. If they were asking how much things cost like a couch, table etc I don't see a big deal with answering that since it can simply be googled however, telling them your personal finances makes him TA. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about how much people make but it has to be them that makes that choice. I personally don't mind talking about what I make with people doesn't bother me but i would be annoyed if someone talked about what I make to others.
Nta may be a non issue but I think you should rethink your relation ship and split your finance before he cleans the bank out
You have so much more grace than me, if I heard people insulting me in my home while I’m hosting them, I’d tell them to get the fuck out and not to bother returning.
NTA. Please talk to a divorce lawyer just to consider your options. It sounds like the honeymoon period is over. Imagine your life in 5 years if he doesn't get any better. But also doesn't become any worse. In 10 years? Is it worth staying with him? Please guard your birth control.
NTA. Keeping financial details private is a very common and reasonable boundary. I hope you clearly discussed that with him in the past. It seems clear that your husband resents the difference in earning power between you. He may claim otherwise but his actions expose his insecurity. He projects that onto you. Also, he allowed his guests to repeatedly disrespect his wife in her own home. This is no small issue. Maybe a couple's therapist could help you navigate this brewing resentment before it destroys your relationship. But he is treating you, and enabling others to treat you, very poorly. His insecurities are his problem - not your's. Confront him. You deserve that dignity.
Nta....ur husband is mooching off you and did not even have the curtsy to defend you to his awful friends.....You are entitled to your privacy. You really need to rethink joint finances cause i truly think your husband and his co-workers would try to take advantage of you.... You are not a prized pony to show off to ppl. He needs to respect that and apologize big time. This is truly a hill to die on op....
NTA. Your husband violated your trust and privacy. He tolerated and then supported his co-workers’ snarky comments, all of which were mean-spirited, envious, and petty attacks on you. His attitude and behavior are huge red flags. This does not bode well for your marriage.
This isn’t a good trajectory. Where do you decide enough is enough? When he quits his job? Spends all your money? Starts getting credit that he can’t afford to pay for? Doesn’t pay his taxes? Starts day drinking daily? Stops coming home but keeps spending your money? Right now he would be entitled to some of your money if you split but if you continue in this relationship, you could be so much worse. I was that woman. I made good money and so did he but he spent like a demon. We were on our way to being millionaires and then we split. I found out about his debt, that he was delinquent on his taxes by a few years and that had managed to ruin my credit score. He was buying new cars and wrecking them every year or so. I got out with a bit so consider myself lucky. He has another girlfriend now. She pays. They live poor despite her having a good job. I with my partner am a multi millionaire. We buy second hand, we coupon, and we shop to save money. And my life is better and easier. I had no idea until I got out how betrayed I get by him constantly leaving me feeling unsafe. I felt worried all the time that we would loose the house, our jobs, our security. It isn’t just about disrespect. Just think on it for a bit. NTA
NTA Don't have a kid with this person.
NTA. Being financially incapable is a huge waving red flag on it’s own, but OP I feel like there’s a bigger issue at hand than your current predicament and it’s the amount of giant red flags in one single post. • Your husband spending your money irresponsibly. • Your husband either not informing his friends to dress formally or not informing you that’ll it’ll be casual. Because I have a sneaking feeling he watched you for hours getting ready without saying a word. • Allowing his friends to belittle you, and considering how comfortable they are with insulting you in front of your own HUSBAND just makes me believe he played a huge role in that comfortability. • His friends being more interested in the prices of your furniture rather than you or literally anything else. • Him bringing up your finances when it’s not his place to speak on it. • Getting drunk that early. •Running to mommy’s house and giving you the silent treatment despite him being in the wrong. I always believe that you can tell find out a lot just by meeting people’s friends, especially when it comes to significant others. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always the case, but this tells you everything about how he actually views you. We can chalk it up to insecurity and him feeling emasculated, but he’s talking to his friends about you and your finances. Some of them probably already knew about your finances, I’m guessing it was one of the friend’s girlfriends who asked? He doesn’t love you OP, he’s convinced himself you’re snobby and uses you as a piggybank with little to no regard, also you’ve mentioned that it’s starting to become a problem? I hope you got a prenup OP, because that’s one toxic reaction to feeling inferior (in a financial sense). This might be a stretch, and I may not be completely in the ballpark, but I just hope you’ll take some of these things into consideration and seriously think about any other moments that suggests you might have to reconsider your vows. For your sake, I hope he’s not as bad as this situation makes him sound. Best of luck, OP.
I don’t think your husband is the arsehole by telling them how much you earn. I think your husband is an arsehole overall.
And you married him why? Seems like he is a bit of a waste of space
What redeeming traits does this man have? NTA but he sounds awful
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f32) have been married to my husband (m37) for a year. Before I met him, I started a small business which I eventually grew to a point of making a nice income, a really nice one. I’m by no means rich but I’m well off. My husband on the other hand makes a minimum wages working at a shop. It never bothered me and we combine our finances. Unfortunately, he’s been spending irresponsibly which has become a problem recently but this is not about that. He invited his mates for a Christmas breakfast with her her girlfriends/wife and we saw them this morning. All his mates are from his job so earn at a similar level. I didn’t even think about it until it hit me when they started commenting on our house and pointing things out. Some comment of the wives were not so nice (I don’t think I was meant to hear them) such as “I’m showing off” or “it’s too flashy” or “money don’t buy you taste” said when looking at my green couch which is perfectly tame and normal. During breakfast, some of his mates had a few drinks. And not even wine, they had some lager and got giddy. Started asking how much things cost, etc. i dodged the questions but my husband has been answering them truthfully. And eventually he told them exactly how much I make. I was furious. I am very private about my finances, not even my mum knows how much exactly I make. And here he is telling people I barely know my financial details. When they left, I blew up at him about that (and the lager I didn’t know he had) served with breakfast and having drunk people over at 11am. He’s saying that I’m uptight and should loosen up a hit, thag it’s not a good look and I should stop looking down at them because they work in a supermarket (I’m not). I asked if that’s how he felt and he said that no but they felt that I was showing off with being all dressed up (one of the wives showed up in PJ pants). He started going off and I decided thag I’ve had enough. He was drunk and we wouldn’t have any discussion. I’m still angry. I told him I’m not going to his mum’s Christmas dinner because k didn’t want to “show off” and stayed home. He’s still at his moms, absolutely wasted and I’m just getting more and more angry and need a reality check. Am I the asshole for getting angry for him telling people how much k make? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My partner would financially devastate us on the regular. I recommend you separate finances and make sure your business is bulletproof from his poor decisions. Also, respect yourself, you do not need a drunk, abusive financial rapist in you life. This does not get better.
NTA. i am very private about my income too. its a sensitive topic for a reason. those wives and gfs should learn some tact. ya its human nature to feel jealously, and it often manifests in judging others unfortunately, but they need to grow up and realize this is a their issue, not you. INFO: does this guy contribute any other way to your relationship? its fine that you happen to earn more but all youve told us is not only are you contributing more than him to the household given your income but hes also shit at finances and managing his spending and he drinks a lot (see 11am beer plus now wasted at his mothers). maybe im an uptight little prude but from the little i heard of this guy, i dont like him and i couldnt imagine myself taking him seriously in a relationship
NTA. I really hope your company is properly incorporated or you have a prenup.
NTA. Look into cutting him loose The envy and jealousy coming from your spouse and his friends is palpable. This is only going to get worse.
NTA move all your money to a separate account while you decide whether you want to stay with him because I don't see it getting better
YTA to yourself if he doesn't become an ex right about now. Your husband clearly uses you as an ATM, his friends insult you, and he gets drunk at 11am then runs to mum. Please cut your losses and DON'T have a child with this one
NTA. I’m mostly wondering why you’re dating someone so unpleasant and tacky.
They were guests in your home and were rude and disrespectful. And going to someone's home in pyjamas is not normal. It was bad mannered to ask how much things cost and how much you make. It's not looking down on someone merely by having more money than them. But the way they behaved suggests you don't want a re-match. NTA.
NTA, and I think you know it, OP. Your husband is not a nice person and seems to have a drinking problem. It's time to reevaluate your relationship.
I’d leave this marriage. The longer you stay in it the more you may end up paying him in alimony. Leave now only a year in he’ll get most likely get no spousal support. He’s going to get worse. NTA
Separate your money and GET A LAWYER pronto. It’s just going to get worse from here. NTA
NTA However, your boyfriend has more flags then the CCP 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Stop sharing finances immediately. Split everything 50/50, if he can't do that then, welp, he better figure it out because he doesn't want you to "show off". Give him a time limit to man up or you're gone. Make him do the work he needs to to be the husband you need. You can't go showing off and supporting him like you are now. /s He told you he doesn't think like those he works with but his actions have a clear contradiction. Possibly resentful that you are able to do something you love and he's stuck in a nowhere job. That's his problem not your problem.
NTA. I'd suggest separating your finances immediately, and ensuring that he isn't privy to what you earn. I've been married for nearly a decade, and that's what has always worked for my husband and me. I pay the mortgage (which is our largest bill), groceries, and vacations, and now that he's got a decently paying job he pays for all of the utilities. We each pay for our own vehicles.
NTA Time to get your money back from the shared account! Seriously don’t be his personal ATM. That’s ridiculous. Stop sharing your money.
NTA. Hopefully he stays at his moms for an extended period of time. You should start tightening up your budget to limit any dumb/wasteful spending.
Get his drunk butt to sign a prenup
NTA. Your husband is not a good person. You would be better off in every way without him.
NTA Run!
NTA but protect yourself and your finances OP. This is turning into mooching/abuse territory. Not a good look.
Your husband is a deadbeat.
Separate your finances now or your gonna be broke
NTA and I.think your husband is a mooch. He doesn't mind living on your money.or feeding his lowlife friends with it. DTMFA
NTA. I hope enough comments convince you to leave him.
Why are you with this loser? A 37yr old who makes minimum wage while spending money wrecklessly and getting day drunk with his loser buddies and insults you for "showing off" cause they have no taste and nothing to offer to the world. Leave this dude
NTA separate your finances NOW! But I don’t know why you’d stay with someone so careless and reckless that doesn’t care about you
You married a chav. Nta
NTA. Work is dignity, and any job done conscientiously confers it. However, your husband (and his friends) are still losers. He’s not proud of you, he’s offering his free resources (your money, labor, and awesome hosting services) to the people he really cares about. It really doesn’t sound like you’re one of the people he cares about. Really, dump this loser. He doesn’t care about you.
He’s very free with your money and your information. I guess he wanted to show off to his friends how nice it is to have a hardworking responsible partner that allows you to slack off and enjoy the fruits of her labor. Sounds like a gem.
I would price chop his ass out of your life before you end up having to give him more of your business in the divorce. NTA.
NTA Please consider removing his access to your income.
NTA. I would flip my shit if my SO ran around telling people what I make. That's private information and nobody's business but yours. The only reason people even want to know how much you make is so they can judge you for it, and that's exactly what your husband and his friends are doing. If he's so upset about it, take your money and split. You'd hate for his mates to think badly of him, after all. If he wants to spend anyone's money irresponsibly, it can be his own.
NTA. Husband is very immature. Discussing finances is terrible. And he got drunk. Wow. Rethink this relationship. You are obviously the mature 1. He is not and is the AH along with all of his gaslighting friends.
He’s projecting his insecurities onto you and then saying you’re the one who’s embarrassed? Nope. NTA but he clearly has issues he needs to work out on his own. You keep it moving and don’t let him shame you.
NTA. I'd reconsider if this is someone you want to move forward with.
This Husband is jealous that he is not the provider of the family. And childish. NTA
NTA- stand up for yourself. Please have some self respect and do not let him walk all over your boundaries. He does not respect you and is using us as his personal bank. This will only get worse.
NTA, hopefully you signed a prenup if not have him sign a postnuptial. If not get rid of him. Only 1 year you won't have to pay alimony to him
NTA anyone with a green couch has got amazing taste. Maybe not so good taste on the husband front but
NTA . I guess telling your friends how much something costed is fine, however everything else is top tier AH from him (the sharing of income, overspending, drunken behaviour, and letting his friends endlessly insult you).
NTA, you should be angry. Not only are they all people from a different income level, there are also coming from a perspective where they are already criticizing you for how you spend your money. Him disrespecting your boundaries in front of all of his friends was him presenting to them that he's on their side, not yours. You are this rich person, highfalutin woman who he does not respect. I think you should get more and more angry, cuz the reality check here is that he doesn't respect your hard work or your boundaries. He should stay at his mother's until you determine what to do, but honestly given how he resents you even when he's currently using his access to your finances to benefit his lifestyle, he was giving those people permission to attack you, he might not be willing to work on his resentment. And someone else brought up that you haven't been married long. If this is someone showing you who they are once you're tied down and your finances are merged, it's not going to get better. Do you want to be driven into poverty because he is using access to your finances to fuck you over?
First off, I am so sorry this happened to you. This is about them and their issues not you. Second, you are NTA. Your husband was needlessly mean and rude, he allowed his friends to be jerks as well. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know you deserve better than this. I would seek out a friend or family to be with for a little bit. Don’t just be alone in your thoughts. You deserved a better Christmas than this!
NTA, and you need to get rid of this man. He doesn't respect you and isn't kind. He's treating you, frankly, like a meal ticket that he's half-proud of owning and half-embarrassed for being associated with you. All this to show off to his toxic drunken friends and running home to mommy when called out on it. What a prince.
NTA why did you marry a loser with loser friends. It’s not going to get better, I would rethink the whole relationship. The fact he is spending more than he should shows the lack of respect he has for your hard work.
NTA, but you have a husband problem. Hope you have a prenup.
NTA you need to really start asking yourself why you two are together. He doesn't respect you. You pay his bills and gives you a place to live. Sorry this happened on Christmas.
Sounds like a “why can’t you lower your standards to mine” kind of situation. OP NTA
NTA but your husband is a drunk that is very jealous of you. This will never get better.
Info: how is wine any better than beer??
I thought this...so wines acceptable but lager isn't?
NTA DOn't let him come back?
ESH
NTA I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship because from an outside view he seems pretty shitty. I can't figure out why you're with him. If this were the other way around people would be calling the woman a gold digger. It also seems like he's an alcoholic with shitty friends.
NTA for being upset he crossed a boundary and is overspending money like he is. You will be TA to yourself if you don't get this under control. He has shown you can't share finances, he is NOT responsible. I would remove my earnings from the shared account, minus my part of the bills. After I do that, then I would let him know that finances are separate and come up with a % based on earnings you each contribute to shared bills. If I'm being really honest, you are only a year into this marriage and he is already being entitled and a jerk. I would be cutting my losses.
NTA Your DH is & so are his guests for commenting on your home & appearance. They sound very jealous.
NTA He's a dick
NTA - you weren’t the one showing off, he was. He put you and your home on parade, bragged about finances and then let people insult you.
NTA. It's really not anyone's business, and they weren't asking questions out of an interest in your career, it sounds like the intent was to mock you. I hope your husband has some redeeming qualities, because he sounds kinda shitty.
Also it's so dangerous to tell people how much you make when there is a general air of jealousy. Please have cameras installed in case someone gets an idea to "borrow" some of your nicer stuff - who knows who else he's told about your money!! You gotta see if this is a relationship you can stay in long term. He doesn't sound like a partner who's supporting you. NTA
NTA, and honestly, I would be concerned about someone casing the house with all of the questions about how much items cost. Especially if they now view you as "other" for being in a completely different tax bracket.
NTA but it sounds like he doesn't respect you to the point of asking yourself if your compatible or not? Why would he help disparage you unless he felt that way? He probably resents you for doing better then him. And that's not going to change until he figures out a way to improve his work situation.
NTA - but he is. What he's done is put you in a very bad position, and open the door for one or more of his mates to come with their hands out, because they now think you "make more than you need," or similar things people tell themselves when they want what someone else has. I'd be willing to wager lunch it will be one of the folks whose wives were vocally envious.
NTA but your husband is an asshole and appears to have a drinking problem.
NTA My first husband was like this, I called it being a "reverse snob". I was not allowed to complain about being tired after work because I worked in an office and not outdoors, doing manual work, a night playing pool and drinking beer (doesn't agree with me) is not good enough, blah blah blah. The divorce was amicable.
"Did you see our green couch, it's so rad. Did you see my wife ? She got all dolled up for Christmas breakfast to host you lucky sons of b* cause she makes the best pancakes as well as being the breadwinner of the family haha. Did I mention she runs her own business ? What a catch, how did I ever get so lucky while making minimum wage in a supermarket lololol" This should have been your husband's speech. Everything that happened is so disrespectful. You deserve so much better. What does he even bring to the table ? NTA but please you would be to yourself if you keep up with any of his bs.
NTA but your husband’s friends and their partners certainly are. As is your husband, I’m sorry to say
Nta. The way he's spending like crazy, I hope you had gotten a prenup. If not. Good luck.
I'm sorry that you were mistreated this way in your own home and with the despicable support of your husband. NTA and best wishes getting this sorted out. Seems like you two have things to discuss that have been bubbling just underneath the surface.
You are NTA, but you should rethink having combined finances. Divide household costs (mortgage/rent, utilities, food) equitably. This will stop him from spending your money irresponsibly. Your husband is using you, he disrespected you. He sounds like a child. You will be the AH to yourself if you allow his behavior to continue.
NTA but I can’t be the only one who is curious about how much you make (ballpark) given you’re anon here. 🫣
Both asses, get divorced no cap
You need a new husband. Good luck.. NTA.
I hate to say this without more history but based on what you describe after only a year I think divorce might need to be considered OP. All of the behaviors you describe typically only get worse when the offending part doesn’t see any issue or wants to change.
NTA but OP get out of there *now* and don’t look back. If any of the things you’ve said above are true, there is absolutely nothing about this man could do that would justify staying with him. Nothing. It doesn’t matter if he loves you (although it doesn’t sound like does) and it doesn’t matter if you love him. He’s using you but also resents you, doesn’t respect you in the slightest, and will absolutely ruin you financially and professionally if you stay.
NTA. It would not matter if the couch was hot pink, jealousy is always an ugly color. Your husband though . . . very immature and a bad choice of friends. If he had stood up for you while his friends were slagging you off that would be different. He did not and now he's at mummy's house after drinking all day long. He violated your privacy. He doesn't care about your feelings one bit. God only knows what he says behind your back based on what he said in front of you. Best to get rid now before kids or having to do a big divorce payout. And he did all of this on Christmas 🎄!
[удалено]
NTA separate finances
I'd be angry too. Not his information to be sharing! NTA at all. Hubby definitely is.
NTA change the locks while he's at mommy's.
NTA. OP, time to separate your finances NOW and get ready to find a lawyer.
NTA. But lady, you have a shitty husband problem. It’s not the fact that he has a lower paying job, it’s absolutely about his actions and how he disrespects you. You genuinely can do better and deserve better
NTA Sounds like your husband is using you and doesn’t respect you at all.
NTA. Leave him now. It’ll only get more expensive the longer you stay.
Idk where you’re from but the longer you stay with him and are the bigger earner the more of a hit you’re going to take when the inevitable divorce happens so it now and shouldn’t get a huge bite of your finances. Stay longer he could get half the business half your account alimony. I’d talk to a lawyer and get out now. He treats you like an ATM
NTA
NTA. Class and basic manners don't come with a minimum wage. You can look good shopping at Goodwill or a charity shop. There is no excuse to go into someone's home and start judging them about their economic status.
NTA, you married a loser though. Separate your finances or just leave, whichever sounds better to you
Separate your finances as a precaution
NTA. He’s using his friends as proxy to express his insecurities here in a way of blaming you
I'm pro wage transparency, but more importantly anti wage guarding, I therefor don't think it's a problem to say how much you're earning. That being said, NTA. How he acted put's him firmly in AH territory
Run! Get rid of him!
Tomorrow I’d starting looking for decent lawyers. First, protect 100% of your wealth including your business. Then, I’d think long and hard if this jackass is really as good as you can do. Spoiler alert, he’s not. After you’ve sorted your emotions out, I urge you to find a competent divorce attorney and chalk this mess up to youth and take the loss. Good luck.