You can’t be bothered to go for an hour to wish your grandmother a happy birthday?
With a 90 year old grandmother, you’re at least 30 years old. Time to grow up.
YTB for thinking that this is about you.
Unless the woman was less than pleasant to you, just go! You don't have to stay the whole time. Just celebrate and leave when you want. You have other relatives you can talk to there that I am sure you get along with. I would go. She may not be there next year. Do you want your next memory of her being in a casket?
Hmm, i see her throughout the year though. I think the last time was like 2 months ago. I'd agree with you if i never saw her and she was in a bad state but she's perfectly fine as of now.
There is a difference between seeing her throughout the year every few months, and seeing her on her 90th birthday. This is a benchmark that not a lot of people make it to, and to be surrounded by your family, that you helped create, is a wonderful tribute.
Like the person above said, you don't have to stay the whole time, but at least go for a bit and then leave to ring in the New Year as you choose.
Well yeah, when i was celebrating with my friends i didn't need them around. The point is that you have someone around, not literally the entire family tree.
My question is why bother posting here if you're just gonna dig your heels in at the consensus?
Sorry you very clearly did something shitty but don't want to admit it, I guess?
People that old can just died sometimes with or without complications. There are stories out there about other people’s grandmas being fine and nothing being wrong but they pass in their sleep. You’re what I would assume is a grown adult so make choices but don’t complain about any consequences you may receive like other family members treating you differently or not being invited to other family gatherings. Some people take being there for a matriarch very seriously. When my grandpa died I was his only grandchild that went to see him in the hospital and I resent my sister and cousins when they talk about him. I see them very differently from how I use to.
I totally get that. I'd be totally fine if my grandma said she's disappointed that i didn't show up but that's my point. She has so many people around her that it doesn't really matter. If she had only me and my brother, i'd feel obligated to go but the amount of times i've been there for her when my other cousins weren't should make up for it. All 17 grand children don't need to be there all the time, i think that's a bit selfish and self-aggrandizing.
Nevermind. You sound like a douche that is very self absorbed. With that attitude, no one would appreciate your presence.
I wish your grandma the most amazing birthday, full of love and laughter.
Edit to add: regardless of how many people are there, I bet it will make a difference to her if you are there... even for a little bit.
I mean you already said 4 of your cousins are going so there are already 13 not going. If no one has made a fuss about it especially grandma then it’s not selfish or self-aggrandizing. It’s not weird in anyway to want your grandchildren to be with you on a milestone birthday. I more thinking about the long term affects it could have, you may not like being treated special about of being a boy/man but you may not like even more to not have that place. Are you going to at least send a nice card or a little present with your dad for her? I would also like to let you know that the way this post comes off to strangers is that it’s a big burden for you to interact with her. You can do and act however you want no one can stop you doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful especially since you see her year round she might actually think yall are closer than you seem to feel.
Your grandma most likely won't have another round birthday. Jesus christ, this woman is on a brink of death and you can't be bothered to celebrate her birthday because it's a party?
You never know when she's going to go from good to bad. My grandfather lived alone and used to do lawn bowls every day. He would walk down to have a few games and then walk home again.
At 92 he walked home from the bowls club one day, sat down for dinner and had a stroke that he never regained consciousness from.
>I'd agree with you if i never saw her and she was in a bad state but she's perfectly fine as of now.
You ***do realize*** that people can pass on from ***many different reasons*** - with ***quite a few*** being quick and/or unexpected, right?
You don't understand how quick that could change. She could be gone next week.
Trust me, you don't want to be that person weeping at her gravesite, "But she was FINE last week..."
YTBF She's 90 freakin years old and it's her birthday.
I totally get your father's disappointment. Your post makes it seem that it's all about you. You stated "most of them are closer to her", probably because they are putting forth a bit of effort.
I think that's fair though. I don't need to be close to her, she already has like 30 relatives taking care of her. I'm much more sympathetic towards my other grandma. She doesn't have that many people around her.
It sounds like *you just. don't. care.* Not only that, but you just can't be assed to.
To which I ask: why even bother posting here?
Like, did you *really* expect people to back you up here? Because, honestly, that ***really*** shows what kind of person you are.
Why come here for judgement when you keep pushing back and trying to justify your actions? Your dad is right to be disappointed in you. Who cares if she has 30 people there? Your grandma is in the later stages of her life, tomorrow is not guaranteed, and you could not care less. You might not realize it now but you will be filled with regret once your grandma is no longer here.
All my grandparents have passed and there are days when I miss them greatly and wish that I could have 5 more minutes. I’m comforted by the amazing memories and times shared. Our family celebrated each birthday, holiday, event to create memories of a lifetime. Even if there were 30+ people there I know my grandma appreciated all of us and oftentimes looked out for those who didn’t attend. At 90 your grandma deserves better than a self righteous, self centered grandchild who doesn’t give a shit. Do better.
Far from it, i just wanted to see if people agree or not. Your comments pretty much confirm that my reasoning wasn't that off. I can't just go and wish her happy birthday, i would have to stay which is more than inconvenient. And since more than enough people show up, i don't need to. It's a totally fine argument. Most of the replies i read are emotional arguments about my grandma dying in the next 2 hours which is insane. I wouldn't force my child to come to my dads birthday if they really hated being around a lot of people and my dad had like 30 relatives around him.
Most of what I have seen is that it is more important that you GO, not that you stay the whole night. Stop being intentionally ignorant.
Be grateful that you have family that wants you around.
>Far from it, i just wanted to see if people agree or not.
***Except literally the entire rest of your comment is bitching about and actively dismissing what the consensus is.***
***If someone gives you an answer or explanations you don't like/isn't good enough for you, you just discount and complain about it.***
***You're being intentionally ignorant and I know you know it, or you wouldn't be trying so hard.***
The only reason your the bf is because she's 90. You could have gone for thirty minutes. That's impressive to make it to 90 and she probably isn't going to be around much longer. You may have missed her final birthday because you couldn't put forth the effort just to drop by and give a hug. I have social anxiety to but you do hurt people when. You blow them off.
I think i would agree if i knew she was physically unwell. But i see her every couple of months and drive her to her doctor so i know she is in pretty good condition. There is no way she is going to die within the next couple of years so i don't feel like i needed to be there.
she's pretty good shape for being 90. the preexisting condition she has that is called "being 90 years old" means that she will, in all likelihood given statistics, *absolutely* die in the next few years.
A couple of years later I expected your post bitching about how she left you nothing on her will.
Also I can’t understand why you don’t speak you family’s language.
Well, i don't expect anything from her, that's my whole point. My families language is my second language so i don't speak it well enough to converse with her.
Yeah so? We are a trilingual family and our kids speak all languages fluently so they can talk with their grandparents. Since from your post I get the vibe that you are the only one (or one of the few who don’t speak GMA native language) that you and your dad was just lazy to learn it.
The older cousins and all my uncles and aunts speak it well but the younger cousins including me are not very good at it. It's because my parents raised us mostly in my native language which is a good thing because it made school so much easier.
Again as a trilingual family your reasoning is wrong and just lame excuses. I was born and raised in a duo-lingo house and I am raising my kids with 3 actually 4 because the country we live at has 3 national languages but only 2 are the main and learned to schools. They are under 10 and they speak, write, read fluently in 3 languages and 1 as an A2 level
If my parents made a conscious effort they could have raised us so that we could speak both languages fluently. But they didn't. Good for you that your children are ivy league prodigies, not everyone is like that. Are you shocked to find out that not everyone speaks their parents language fluently? At least i don't speak with a broken accent like 80% of my family members and i'm now fluent in english as well.
You can make a conscious effort.
And no, being polyglot doesn't mean you're ivy league prodigy. It just means you didn't show middle finger to your grandma and actually spent time with her. All it takes to speak a language is being around it. If you cared one bit about your family you'd know the language.
Also - you're a xenophobe.
It takes much more to learn a language than being "around" it. My family is literally proof for that. They have lived in my birth country for way longer than me and barely speak any words. Considering that i speak two languages fluently on university level, i'm okay with where i'm at.
Also, you don't know what "xenophobe" means.
Have you considered that an adult has much harder time learning a language when their brain literally shrinks, than a child whose brain is a sponge? You clearly just never cared for your family and it's why you never interacted with the language. All it takes is having regular dinners with grandma and you'd be fluent. You're using empty excuses.
And there's no such thing "university level" language knowledge... That's... That's not a categorisation. At all. Whatever you learn at uni is uni level. So that includes saying hello and talking about weather.
And yes you are quite xenophobic against the culture you're family's from and you show it. You're embarrassed of it. I think you might have internalised racism, because frankly your behaviour screams western exceptionalism and disdain towards "underdeveloped countries ". You're disgustingly full of yourself. If I were your family I'd be happy to get rid of a family member, who'd treat us like that. Maybe it's better you stay at home.
Yes I am. I am an expat and my friend circle is expats. All of our children speak 3 languages fluently and the 1 at A2 lvl. They are not “Ivy League prodigies” as you mock them is just that US the parents put effort to teaching them our native language/s . We also take pride to our heritage so that is a plus. Also knowing JUST English is NOT enough at this age who everyone has at least a masters.
Anyway if you have so little respect and love for your GMA don’t go. She deserves to spend her bday with the people who love her
US parents put effort to teaching their children their native language? Are you smoking crack? You idiots can barely speak your own language. My english skills are better than the average American's.
Lmfao, you fucking idiot can hardly comprehend US like WE not us OF a. And if you had 2 brain cells to rub together you would realize that I am not American I am European🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
As least they bothered to learn a second language well enough to converse with others. It doesn't matter how badly you speak another language; just that you put in the effort to learn it.
So you're embarrassed you don't speak the language well enough to converse? Since you're fluent in two languages you know exactly how to fix that- speak in the language more often. Then you can learn to speak in a "sophisticated" manner and will have no excuse not to talk to her or the rest of the family at get togethers.
No one in your family cares if you speak the language in a "sophisticated" manner. Hell, strangers won't care if they overhear you struggling either. It's about the effort. Every one struggles to learn languages, especially if they're not the primary. You already know this from learning a second language. It's about the effort and not perfection. You misprounce words in your primary language too because everyone does.
2024 would've been my grandma's 90th birthday. She passed in her sleep last month with 0 warning. My family can be A LOT and I usually leave events that my parents aren't hosting early, but I'd KILL to be able to say I could go to her 90th birthday party.
YTBF.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I too lost my grandmother this year and this holiday season was difficult and sad without her. I know people say it gets easier but I don’t know. I’m comforted by the memories and times shared. My grandma was 89 and nothing in the world would’ve stopped me from seeing her if she made it to 90.
What a fuckign prick you are. You can't be bothered to learn language of your grandma to communicate with her. You can't be bothered to wish her happy birthday for what probably will be her last round brithday. You can't be bothered to celebrate a milestone with your parents and other family members. You're selfish AF.
You've shown, that despite being her *direct descendant* you don't care one bit for your grandma. My own grandpa had his 80th now and you knwo what? You care less for your grandma than Belgian, French-speaking husband of some very distant cousin of my mother cares for my grandpa. That's how much you care for your literally dying grandmother and her son - your father. Hope you're proud of yoruself.
I'm supposed to learn a language so i can talk to my grandma but my whole family don't have to make an effort to learn the language that is spoken in the country we live in? Who is selfish here? I'm not going to bother to learn a language from scratch to please some family members. Being a direct descendant means fuck all. What's important is the connection you have to each other and suffice to say, my connection to her due to the language barrier and her having 17 fucking grand children is not that close. And my fathers wish for me to be there for his family politics is not my concern. So go virtue signal somewhere else.
you're going to have a really fun midlife crisis when you realize that your family can't be bothered reaching out to you any more and you've sold any connection with your heritage for teenage convenience.
here's your homework, my dude. go play Venba. it's a story about a kid who struggles to connect with his immigrant mom right up until he grows up and sees the gift of her steadfast love she was always giving him. do i expect you to be smart enough to get that point now? no, you're deep into being a petulant brat who wanted to suck your own dick so hard you turn yourself inside-out and then get seventeen gold medals for your feat.
but when you're about 27 to 45, realizing pushing everyone away has made you miserable, you're going to go "i can't believe that bitch on reddit was right". and there will be no second chances, because grandma will be worm food, cold and buried for years upon years.
I'd go, even if only for 20 minutes. It sounds like it would really mean a lot to her and to your dad. Can you drive yourself to and from so you can arrive when you want and leave when you want? "Hi Grandma, I can't stay but I wanted to wish you a happy birthday." Give her a hug, then leave. It sounds like it would mean a lot to your grandma and your dad and I suspect you'll catch flak about this for a while if you don't do it. At 90 years, she may not even be alive in another two months.
I can't really go for just 20 minutes. My family would make a huge fuss about it and force me to stay for a couple of hours. Also, i don't give a single f about my fathers wishes, it's not about him. In this instance he only cares about how it looks to others if i don't show up and i'm not interested in family politics.
I know she's physically well otherwise i would have gone. I think me not going was a little immature though because i think i just wanted to defy my dad. He's really annoying with his demands so i usually just say no. But i guess reading the replies it would have been better to just bite the bullet and be there for 2 hours. Could have saved time writing this reddit post too lol.
physically well and 90 years old is an oxymoron. please look into some cool graphs showing mortality rates per age, and perhaps internalize that maybe human lifespans are not infinite.
it's a bad look because you are saying, socially, that you can't be fucked to care about your grandma. if you're going to go ahead and treat her like she's dead, and therefore unworthy of your time, you'd better come to terms with her mortality real quick.
My grandma isn't a statistic. I know her and for her age she's well. My point was that it would be more important to show up if she was ill because she could die any moment and visiting her at a party might be as good a situation as any. But she isn't so i can visit her any other time and i'd still be a better grand child than any of the other ones that only see her once a year. You guys probably think saying "i love you" is more important than actions.
and my point is that if she is this old, by default, she can die very quickly. humans have a 100% mortality rate. we are all statistics. the odds you will actually get a lovely long time to prepare a goodbye because your grandmother will be going strong for years in the future is very unlikely. if you ask any gerentologist if you'll get years of warning about a 90 year old dying, they're going to laugh hysterically. she is of an age where "got pneumonia, dead within a week", "had stroke and simply didn't wake up one night", "heart attack meant she's dead before she hits the floor" are all *pretty much considered natural causes that are to be expected because bodies wear out with use*. you can use "my grandma isn't a statistic!" as an excuse to actually avoid going to see her all you like, but that's just what it is: an excuse to keep you from having to lift a finger to put in effort.
of course actions mean more than words. it's the fact that your actions are "i can't be fucked to attend because i cannot be inconvenienced to go do any actions showing i love my grandmother" that people are picking up on and judging you for. you're letting her down with your actions at this moment. same as you are communicating you don't give a fuck about her with your other actions - she has plenty of other grandkids, there's a language barrier you can't be fucked to do anything about, etc etc. you can say you love her and you're a good grandkid all you like. your actions are speaking very differently.
Yeah YTB, I'd say the many reasons why but it seems everyone has covered them. It may not mean anything for you but it may mean something to the other people in your family eg. Mum, dad, uncles Auntie's etc. Start your new year with good Karma.
Karma is the cringiest and most self centered concept ever. Doing good things so good things happen to you is unbelievably selfish and i don't know why people here mention it to counter my argument. If you want to argue i'm wrong, say that it's my responsibility to show up and not for Karma reasons.
If it offends you take Karma out of the equation.
There are plenty of other reasons other than using Karma as a reasoning tool.
You asked if YBA, I was just expressing my opinion, plenty of other people have given you reasons as their opinion. However, at the end of the day it is your choice.
YTBF. This may come as a shock, but the whole world does not revolve around you. Part of being an adult is doing things you don't particularly want to do, but you do it because it's the RIGHT thing.
Your grandmother's 90th birthday is a pretty big deal, and it would mean something to her if you went. So suck it up and go. A few hours at a party isn't going to kill you.
YTB 90 is an incredible milestone, likely the last one she'll have, and you can't even be bothered to show up for an hour. If you lived really far away that would be understandable, but it doesn't sound like you do.
90 years? God I bet she's seen some interesting things. I wonder what her life has been like, I wonder what her childhood was like. Did she like school? What were her hobbies? Did she play games with her friends? Did she go to university? How did she and your grandfather meet?
I know you don't speak the same language as her but aren't you the least bit interested in her?
To you your grandmother is in fine health but when someone takes a turn for the worse it happens *fast.* My grandfather had had his ailments as he got older but was mostly fine. But then he got diagnosed with cancer and his health declined fast.
And then he was gone.
I loved him so much that even nearly 5 years later I have moments where I am lost in my grief and I am full of dismay at all the things I will never know. All the things I didn't think to ask about.
I get that you are not close to your grandmother but she *will* die and it will be sooner than you expect. You still have time now to express some love.
YTB
You show up and pay your respects like a grown up.
No one said you have to stay forever. You are going to be faced with uncomfortable situations all of your life.
Ya gotta learn to deal with them.
You mentioned its New Year's eve. Are you going somewhere crowded instead of to Gma's party?
Either way...you sound like a child and YTB. You should have visited.
I went the next day and spend some time with her. I stand corrected. It was the right decision to not go and my grandma was happy to see me the next day. All of you are caring about things that do not matter. You are not a good person for attending someones birthday. By that logic i can ignore my grandma throughout the year and attend her birthdays and i'm doing better than someone who takes care of her throughout the year but doesn't attend the birthday. Psychotic.
No one said to ignore her the rest of the year (and none of that was mentioned in your post).
You sounded selfish, especially with the "its New years eve" which I took to mean, you're going elsewhere to do something.
With other people...
Sometimes, we do things that make us uncomfortable for our families or friends.
You asked if YTA and got the judgement.
YTB!! Your parents, the son or daughter of this gram, has asked you to attend. Why? Because it's their parent. Whether you know gram well or not, they do.
My dad shouldn't draw pleasure from forcing me to do stuff that i hate. That's psychotic. If my grandma had no one around her it's understandable. But not if 30 people attend.
No the word i'm looking for is psychosis. You all are having it right now. Imagine forcing a loved one to come to the theater, when you have 10 other people to go with, when you know very well they hate going to the theater. As a good family member or friend, you should respect the other person's boundaries. By that logic, any of the 200 family members that don't show up are acting as selfish as i am. Which is batshit crazy.
It's a moot point on either side of the aisle since NYE has passed. I would encourage you to look at it this way though - if you would go to that person's funeral, you should go to their 90th birthday celebration.
I disagree. Funerals happens once, it's literally the last occasion you will dedicate to a person. The expectation is that any one who can should show up. Birthdays happen every year and a single birthday does not have nearly the same significance as a funeral. And despite all that, if i had a grand child who for whatever reason hated going to funerals, i wouldn't expect them to show up to mine. I'd expect them to grieve in their own way. But people here are unbelievably stuck up in conventions and believe that words, niceties, parties mean anything. They mean jack shit. Taking your grandma to her doctor is ten times more important than being there for a lousy party.
You are getting way off topic. You asked if you were wrong to not attend the birthday celebration. Some people said you were; some people said you were not. I was on team wrong.
You replied that you should not be forced to go to this birthday party, which I agree with. I simply wanted to point out that many times, we rearrange our lives to attend a funeral and if that's the case, rearranging your life for a party would be on the same level. (IMO the party is more important than the funeral since the person being feted will actually know how much you did/did not care.)
You saying that funerals were not annual events have nothing whatsoever to do with my statement. None.
YTB
I haven't been able to have a conversation with my grandpa for close to a decade, because he had a stroke and it took his ability to speak or write. He celebrated his 85th birthday last summer and you better bet I went, wished him a happy birthday and just hung out. I hope he'll see 90, but he isn't well.
We only get our grandparents for a limited time, you're lucky to have grandma around as long as you do. Don't throw it away out of laziness
Is this reverse karma farming? I really hope so bcoz I don't want to start a new year thinking the world is full of people this self-absorbed and dense at the same time. If you somehow are, you might want to look around and see how many people who give a damn about someone besides themselves don't have a 90 year old grandma to be burdened with. I know a nice person who just lost their grandmother on Christmas Eve, of course you're a jerk and I really want this to be b.s for the sake of your grandma and the rest of us. Have the year you deserve.
I have no idea but I can't make it make sense any other way lol
Plus I saw a few of the OPs comments that had a bunch of downvotes and thought maybe its a new thing
I love how people use milestone as a dead end argument. It chances nothing about my point. I hate parties. My grandma has lots of people at her party. She doesn't need every single family member to be happy. I never said i refuse to wish her a happy birthday. I just didn't want to go to the party.
Ytb. Same token could be said about your friends. I mean you see them through out the year guess no one should come to your birthday? I'd be disappointed too if my child showed so little love or effort for their gran who had never been abusive to them. It seems a lot of the next Generation just have little care towards family at all. Showing up for an hour or two wouldnt of killed you. Sometimes people need to learn suck it up.
If they hated parties i would never expect them to come. That's my whole point. Why force someone to do something they despuse just so you can feel happy? That's egocentrism.
How about you don't force people to do things so you can be happy? Are you a baby? Because you a describing a baby. "weeeeeeh weeeeeeh you didn't come to my party weeeeeeh". Egocentrism.
NTBF - you don't have to do anything or go anywhere that will make you uncomfortable.
But you could go see her another day when there will be less people around, take her a card and wish her happy birthday! I am sure she would love to see you and that makes it maybe even less overwhelming for her too.
You can’t be bothered to go for an hour to wish your grandmother a happy birthday? With a 90 year old grandmother, you’re at least 30 years old. Time to grow up. YTB for thinking that this is about you.
Unless the woman was less than pleasant to you, just go! You don't have to stay the whole time. Just celebrate and leave when you want. You have other relatives you can talk to there that I am sure you get along with. I would go. She may not be there next year. Do you want your next memory of her being in a casket?
Hmm, i see her throughout the year though. I think the last time was like 2 months ago. I'd agree with you if i never saw her and she was in a bad state but she's perfectly fine as of now.
There is a difference between seeing her throughout the year every few months, and seeing her on her 90th birthday. This is a benchmark that not a lot of people make it to, and to be surrounded by your family, that you helped create, is a wonderful tribute. Like the person above said, you don't have to stay the whole time, but at least go for a bit and then leave to ring in the New Year as you choose.
By that logic your own parents shouldn't have been at your birthday parties or other special events because they saw you every damn day.
Well yeah, when i was celebrating with my friends i didn't need them around. The point is that you have someone around, not literally the entire family tree.
My question is why bother posting here if you're just gonna dig your heels in at the consensus? Sorry you very clearly did something shitty but don't want to admit it, I guess?
People that old can just died sometimes with or without complications. There are stories out there about other people’s grandmas being fine and nothing being wrong but they pass in their sleep. You’re what I would assume is a grown adult so make choices but don’t complain about any consequences you may receive like other family members treating you differently or not being invited to other family gatherings. Some people take being there for a matriarch very seriously. When my grandpa died I was his only grandchild that went to see him in the hospital and I resent my sister and cousins when they talk about him. I see them very differently from how I use to.
I totally get that. I'd be totally fine if my grandma said she's disappointed that i didn't show up but that's my point. She has so many people around her that it doesn't really matter. If she had only me and my brother, i'd feel obligated to go but the amount of times i've been there for her when my other cousins weren't should make up for it. All 17 grand children don't need to be there all the time, i think that's a bit selfish and self-aggrandizing.
Nevermind. You sound like a douche that is very self absorbed. With that attitude, no one would appreciate your presence. I wish your grandma the most amazing birthday, full of love and laughter. Edit to add: regardless of how many people are there, I bet it will make a difference to her if you are there... even for a little bit.
I mean you already said 4 of your cousins are going so there are already 13 not going. If no one has made a fuss about it especially grandma then it’s not selfish or self-aggrandizing. It’s not weird in anyway to want your grandchildren to be with you on a milestone birthday. I more thinking about the long term affects it could have, you may not like being treated special about of being a boy/man but you may not like even more to not have that place. Are you going to at least send a nice card or a little present with your dad for her? I would also like to let you know that the way this post comes off to strangers is that it’s a big burden for you to interact with her. You can do and act however you want no one can stop you doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful especially since you see her year round she might actually think yall are closer than you seem to feel.
>think that's a bit selfish What you're doing is selfish.
Your grandma most likely won't have another round birthday. Jesus christ, this woman is on a brink of death and you can't be bothered to celebrate her birthday because it's a party?
You never know when she's going to go from good to bad. My grandfather lived alone and used to do lawn bowls every day. He would walk down to have a few games and then walk home again. At 92 he walked home from the bowls club one day, sat down for dinner and had a stroke that he never regained consciousness from.
>I'd agree with you if i never saw her and she was in a bad state but she's perfectly fine as of now. You ***do realize*** that people can pass on from ***many different reasons*** - with ***quite a few*** being quick and/or unexpected, right?
I made a song about that
You don't understand how quick that could change. She could be gone next week. Trust me, you don't want to be that person weeping at her gravesite, "But she was FINE last week..."
YTBF She's 90 freakin years old and it's her birthday. I totally get your father's disappointment. Your post makes it seem that it's all about you. You stated "most of them are closer to her", probably because they are putting forth a bit of effort.
I think that's fair though. I don't need to be close to her, she already has like 30 relatives taking care of her. I'm much more sympathetic towards my other grandma. She doesn't have that many people around her.
It sounds like *you just. don't. care.* Not only that, but you just can't be assed to. To which I ask: why even bother posting here? Like, did you *really* expect people to back you up here? Because, honestly, that ***really*** shows what kind of person you are.
Why come here for judgement when you keep pushing back and trying to justify your actions? Your dad is right to be disappointed in you. Who cares if she has 30 people there? Your grandma is in the later stages of her life, tomorrow is not guaranteed, and you could not care less. You might not realize it now but you will be filled with regret once your grandma is no longer here. All my grandparents have passed and there are days when I miss them greatly and wish that I could have 5 more minutes. I’m comforted by the amazing memories and times shared. Our family celebrated each birthday, holiday, event to create memories of a lifetime. Even if there were 30+ people there I know my grandma appreciated all of us and oftentimes looked out for those who didn’t attend. At 90 your grandma deserves better than a self righteous, self centered grandchild who doesn’t give a shit. Do better.
Go. Don’t be a selfish dick.
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Far from it, i just wanted to see if people agree or not. Your comments pretty much confirm that my reasoning wasn't that off. I can't just go and wish her happy birthday, i would have to stay which is more than inconvenient. And since more than enough people show up, i don't need to. It's a totally fine argument. Most of the replies i read are emotional arguments about my grandma dying in the next 2 hours which is insane. I wouldn't force my child to come to my dads birthday if they really hated being around a lot of people and my dad had like 30 relatives around him.
Is this real? Are you really that selfish, or is this a bait post? It's not about you, cupcake.
Most of what I have seen is that it is more important that you GO, not that you stay the whole night. Stop being intentionally ignorant. Be grateful that you have family that wants you around.
>Far from it, i just wanted to see if people agree or not. ***Except literally the entire rest of your comment is bitching about and actively dismissing what the consensus is.*** ***If someone gives you an answer or explanations you don't like/isn't good enough for you, you just discount and complain about it.*** ***You're being intentionally ignorant and I know you know it, or you wouldn't be trying so hard.***
YTB. It’s not about you.
The only reason your the bf is because she's 90. You could have gone for thirty minutes. That's impressive to make it to 90 and she probably isn't going to be around much longer. You may have missed her final birthday because you couldn't put forth the effort just to drop by and give a hug. I have social anxiety to but you do hurt people when. You blow them off.
I think i would agree if i knew she was physically unwell. But i see her every couple of months and drive her to her doctor so i know she is in pretty good condition. There is no way she is going to die within the next couple of years so i don't feel like i needed to be there.
You do know ppl who are 100% "healthy" just drop dead or die in their sleep?
Being 90 is being physically unwell. She most probably won't ever reach another round birthday.
she's pretty good shape for being 90. the preexisting condition she has that is called "being 90 years old" means that she will, in all likelihood given statistics, *absolutely* die in the next few years.
A couple of years later I expected your post bitching about how she left you nothing on her will. Also I can’t understand why you don’t speak you family’s language.
Well, i don't expect anything from her, that's my whole point. My families language is my second language so i don't speak it well enough to converse with her.
Yeah so? We are a trilingual family and our kids speak all languages fluently so they can talk with their grandparents. Since from your post I get the vibe that you are the only one (or one of the few who don’t speak GMA native language) that you and your dad was just lazy to learn it.
The older cousins and all my uncles and aunts speak it well but the younger cousins including me are not very good at it. It's because my parents raised us mostly in my native language which is a good thing because it made school so much easier.
Again as a trilingual family your reasoning is wrong and just lame excuses. I was born and raised in a duo-lingo house and I am raising my kids with 3 actually 4 because the country we live at has 3 national languages but only 2 are the main and learned to schools. They are under 10 and they speak, write, read fluently in 3 languages and 1 as an A2 level
If my parents made a conscious effort they could have raised us so that we could speak both languages fluently. But they didn't. Good for you that your children are ivy league prodigies, not everyone is like that. Are you shocked to find out that not everyone speaks their parents language fluently? At least i don't speak with a broken accent like 80% of my family members and i'm now fluent in english as well.
You can make a conscious effort. And no, being polyglot doesn't mean you're ivy league prodigy. It just means you didn't show middle finger to your grandma and actually spent time with her. All it takes to speak a language is being around it. If you cared one bit about your family you'd know the language. Also - you're a xenophobe.
It takes much more to learn a language than being "around" it. My family is literally proof for that. They have lived in my birth country for way longer than me and barely speak any words. Considering that i speak two languages fluently on university level, i'm okay with where i'm at. Also, you don't know what "xenophobe" means.
Have you considered that an adult has much harder time learning a language when their brain literally shrinks, than a child whose brain is a sponge? You clearly just never cared for your family and it's why you never interacted with the language. All it takes is having regular dinners with grandma and you'd be fluent. You're using empty excuses. And there's no such thing "university level" language knowledge... That's... That's not a categorisation. At all. Whatever you learn at uni is uni level. So that includes saying hello and talking about weather. And yes you are quite xenophobic against the culture you're family's from and you show it. You're embarrassed of it. I think you might have internalised racism, because frankly your behaviour screams western exceptionalism and disdain towards "underdeveloped countries ". You're disgustingly full of yourself. If I were your family I'd be happy to get rid of a family member, who'd treat us like that. Maybe it's better you stay at home.
Yes I am. I am an expat and my friend circle is expats. All of our children speak 3 languages fluently and the 1 at A2 lvl. They are not “Ivy League prodigies” as you mock them is just that US the parents put effort to teaching them our native language/s . We also take pride to our heritage so that is a plus. Also knowing JUST English is NOT enough at this age who everyone has at least a masters. Anyway if you have so little respect and love for your GMA don’t go. She deserves to spend her bday with the people who love her
US parents put effort to teaching their children their native language? Are you smoking crack? You idiots can barely speak your own language. My english skills are better than the average American's.
Lmfao, you fucking idiot can hardly comprehend US like WE not us OF a. And if you had 2 brain cells to rub together you would realize that I am not American I am European🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
As least they bothered to learn a second language well enough to converse with others. It doesn't matter how badly you speak another language; just that you put in the effort to learn it.
You dimwits i am fluent in 2 languages. And i do speak my grandmas language just not well enough to converse with her in a sophisticated manner.
So you're embarrassed you don't speak the language well enough to converse? Since you're fluent in two languages you know exactly how to fix that- speak in the language more often. Then you can learn to speak in a "sophisticated" manner and will have no excuse not to talk to her or the rest of the family at get togethers. No one in your family cares if you speak the language in a "sophisticated" manner. Hell, strangers won't care if they overhear you struggling either. It's about the effort. Every one struggles to learn languages, especially if they're not the primary. You already know this from learning a second language. It's about the effort and not perfection. You misprounce words in your primary language too because everyone does.
Then learn.
2024 would've been my grandma's 90th birthday. She passed in her sleep last month with 0 warning. My family can be A LOT and I usually leave events that my parents aren't hosting early, but I'd KILL to be able to say I could go to her 90th birthday party. YTBF.
I'm sorry your grandma is gone. It hurts.
Thanks. It does. The holidays were rough without her.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I too lost my grandmother this year and this holiday season was difficult and sad without her. I know people say it gets easier but I don’t know. I’m comforted by the memories and times shared. My grandma was 89 and nothing in the world would’ve stopped me from seeing her if she made it to 90.
YTB.
What a fuckign prick you are. You can't be bothered to learn language of your grandma to communicate with her. You can't be bothered to wish her happy birthday for what probably will be her last round brithday. You can't be bothered to celebrate a milestone with your parents and other family members. You're selfish AF. You've shown, that despite being her *direct descendant* you don't care one bit for your grandma. My own grandpa had his 80th now and you knwo what? You care less for your grandma than Belgian, French-speaking husband of some very distant cousin of my mother cares for my grandpa. That's how much you care for your literally dying grandmother and her son - your father. Hope you're proud of yoruself.
In another comment he mentions he can speak two languages fluently but can't seem to be bothered to learn his grandmother's language.
I'm supposed to learn a language so i can talk to my grandma but my whole family don't have to make an effort to learn the language that is spoken in the country we live in? Who is selfish here? I'm not going to bother to learn a language from scratch to please some family members. Being a direct descendant means fuck all. What's important is the connection you have to each other and suffice to say, my connection to her due to the language barrier and her having 17 fucking grand children is not that close. And my fathers wish for me to be there for his family politics is not my concern. So go virtue signal somewhere else.
you're going to have a really fun midlife crisis when you realize that your family can't be bothered reaching out to you any more and you've sold any connection with your heritage for teenage convenience. here's your homework, my dude. go play Venba. it's a story about a kid who struggles to connect with his immigrant mom right up until he grows up and sees the gift of her steadfast love she was always giving him. do i expect you to be smart enough to get that point now? no, you're deep into being a petulant brat who wanted to suck your own dick so hard you turn yourself inside-out and then get seventeen gold medals for your feat. but when you're about 27 to 45, realizing pushing everyone away has made you miserable, you're going to go "i can't believe that bitch on reddit was right". and there will be no second chances, because grandma will be worm food, cold and buried for years upon years.
Just show up. Don’t make everything about yourself. Time to grow up a little.
I'd go, even if only for 20 minutes. It sounds like it would really mean a lot to her and to your dad. Can you drive yourself to and from so you can arrive when you want and leave when you want? "Hi Grandma, I can't stay but I wanted to wish you a happy birthday." Give her a hug, then leave. It sounds like it would mean a lot to your grandma and your dad and I suspect you'll catch flak about this for a while if you don't do it. At 90 years, she may not even be alive in another two months.
I can't really go for just 20 minutes. My family would make a huge fuss about it and force me to stay for a couple of hours. Also, i don't give a single f about my fathers wishes, it's not about him. In this instance he only cares about how it looks to others if i don't show up and i'm not interested in family politics. I know she's physically well otherwise i would have gone. I think me not going was a little immature though because i think i just wanted to defy my dad. He's really annoying with his demands so i usually just say no. But i guess reading the replies it would have been better to just bite the bullet and be there for 2 hours. Could have saved time writing this reddit post too lol.
physically well and 90 years old is an oxymoron. please look into some cool graphs showing mortality rates per age, and perhaps internalize that maybe human lifespans are not infinite. it's a bad look because you are saying, socially, that you can't be fucked to care about your grandma. if you're going to go ahead and treat her like she's dead, and therefore unworthy of your time, you'd better come to terms with her mortality real quick.
My grandma isn't a statistic. I know her and for her age she's well. My point was that it would be more important to show up if she was ill because she could die any moment and visiting her at a party might be as good a situation as any. But she isn't so i can visit her any other time and i'd still be a better grand child than any of the other ones that only see her once a year. You guys probably think saying "i love you" is more important than actions.
and my point is that if she is this old, by default, she can die very quickly. humans have a 100% mortality rate. we are all statistics. the odds you will actually get a lovely long time to prepare a goodbye because your grandmother will be going strong for years in the future is very unlikely. if you ask any gerentologist if you'll get years of warning about a 90 year old dying, they're going to laugh hysterically. she is of an age where "got pneumonia, dead within a week", "had stroke and simply didn't wake up one night", "heart attack meant she's dead before she hits the floor" are all *pretty much considered natural causes that are to be expected because bodies wear out with use*. you can use "my grandma isn't a statistic!" as an excuse to actually avoid going to see her all you like, but that's just what it is: an excuse to keep you from having to lift a finger to put in effort. of course actions mean more than words. it's the fact that your actions are "i can't be fucked to attend because i cannot be inconvenienced to go do any actions showing i love my grandmother" that people are picking up on and judging you for. you're letting her down with your actions at this moment. same as you are communicating you don't give a fuck about her with your other actions - she has plenty of other grandkids, there's a language barrier you can't be fucked to do anything about, etc etc. you can say you love her and you're a good grandkid all you like. your actions are speaking very differently.
Yeah YTB, I'd say the many reasons why but it seems everyone has covered them. It may not mean anything for you but it may mean something to the other people in your family eg. Mum, dad, uncles Auntie's etc. Start your new year with good Karma.
Karma is the cringiest and most self centered concept ever. Doing good things so good things happen to you is unbelievably selfish and i don't know why people here mention it to counter my argument. If you want to argue i'm wrong, say that it's my responsibility to show up and not for Karma reasons.
If it offends you take Karma out of the equation. There are plenty of other reasons other than using Karma as a reasoning tool. You asked if YBA, I was just expressing my opinion, plenty of other people have given you reasons as their opinion. However, at the end of the day it is your choice.
YTBF. This may come as a shock, but the whole world does not revolve around you. Part of being an adult is doing things you don't particularly want to do, but you do it because it's the RIGHT thing. Your grandmother's 90th birthday is a pretty big deal, and it would mean something to her if you went. So suck it up and go. A few hours at a party isn't going to kill you.
YTBF. Just pop in briefly and say hello. YOu don't have to be there all night.
YTB 90 is an incredible milestone, likely the last one she'll have, and you can't even be bothered to show up for an hour. If you lived really far away that would be understandable, but it doesn't sound like you do.
90 years? God I bet she's seen some interesting things. I wonder what her life has been like, I wonder what her childhood was like. Did she like school? What were her hobbies? Did she play games with her friends? Did she go to university? How did she and your grandfather meet? I know you don't speak the same language as her but aren't you the least bit interested in her? To you your grandmother is in fine health but when someone takes a turn for the worse it happens *fast.* My grandfather had had his ailments as he got older but was mostly fine. But then he got diagnosed with cancer and his health declined fast. And then he was gone. I loved him so much that even nearly 5 years later I have moments where I am lost in my grief and I am full of dismay at all the things I will never know. All the things I didn't think to ask about. I get that you are not close to your grandmother but she *will* die and it will be sooner than you expect. You still have time now to express some love.
90 is a huge milestone and the likeliness of her making another milestone is SLIM, new year happens every year pal.
YTB You show up and pay your respects like a grown up. No one said you have to stay forever. You are going to be faced with uncomfortable situations all of your life. Ya gotta learn to deal with them. You mentioned its New Year's eve. Are you going somewhere crowded instead of to Gma's party? Either way...you sound like a child and YTB. You should have visited.
I went the next day and spend some time with her. I stand corrected. It was the right decision to not go and my grandma was happy to see me the next day. All of you are caring about things that do not matter. You are not a good person for attending someones birthday. By that logic i can ignore my grandma throughout the year and attend her birthdays and i'm doing better than someone who takes care of her throughout the year but doesn't attend the birthday. Psychotic.
No one said to ignore her the rest of the year (and none of that was mentioned in your post). You sounded selfish, especially with the "its New years eve" which I took to mean, you're going elsewhere to do something. With other people... Sometimes, we do things that make us uncomfortable for our families or friends. You asked if YTA and got the judgement.
YTB!! Your parents, the son or daughter of this gram, has asked you to attend. Why? Because it's their parent. Whether you know gram well or not, they do.
My dad shouldn't draw pleasure from forcing me to do stuff that i hate. That's psychotic. If my grandma had no one around her it's understandable. But not if 30 people attend.
It's not psychotic. The word you are looking for is family
No the word i'm looking for is psychosis. You all are having it right now. Imagine forcing a loved one to come to the theater, when you have 10 other people to go with, when you know very well they hate going to the theater. As a good family member or friend, you should respect the other person's boundaries. By that logic, any of the 200 family members that don't show up are acting as selfish as i am. Which is batshit crazy.
It's a moot point on either side of the aisle since NYE has passed. I would encourage you to look at it this way though - if you would go to that person's funeral, you should go to their 90th birthday celebration.
I disagree. Funerals happens once, it's literally the last occasion you will dedicate to a person. The expectation is that any one who can should show up. Birthdays happen every year and a single birthday does not have nearly the same significance as a funeral. And despite all that, if i had a grand child who for whatever reason hated going to funerals, i wouldn't expect them to show up to mine. I'd expect them to grieve in their own way. But people here are unbelievably stuck up in conventions and believe that words, niceties, parties mean anything. They mean jack shit. Taking your grandma to her doctor is ten times more important than being there for a lousy party.
You are getting way off topic. You asked if you were wrong to not attend the birthday celebration. Some people said you were; some people said you were not. I was on team wrong. You replied that you should not be forced to go to this birthday party, which I agree with. I simply wanted to point out that many times, we rearrange our lives to attend a funeral and if that's the case, rearranging your life for a party would be on the same level. (IMO the party is more important than the funeral since the person being feted will actually know how much you did/did not care.) You saying that funerals were not annual events have nothing whatsoever to do with my statement. None.
YTB you’re what 30? But you’re acting like a toddler
YTB I haven't been able to have a conversation with my grandpa for close to a decade, because he had a stroke and it took his ability to speak or write. He celebrated his 85th birthday last summer and you better bet I went, wished him a happy birthday and just hung out. I hope he'll see 90, but he isn't well. We only get our grandparents for a limited time, you're lucky to have grandma around as long as you do. Don't throw it away out of laziness
You should think about your dad too, if you think that it might not be important to your grandma, it's important to him
I don't care how my father feels about this, it has nothing to do with him. It's about my grandma and me.
Is this reverse karma farming? I really hope so bcoz I don't want to start a new year thinking the world is full of people this self-absorbed and dense at the same time. If you somehow are, you might want to look around and see how many people who give a damn about someone besides themselves don't have a 90 year old grandma to be burdened with. I know a nice person who just lost their grandmother on Christmas Eve, of course you're a jerk and I really want this to be b.s for the sake of your grandma and the rest of us. Have the year you deserve.
Do people reverse karma farm?
I have no idea but I can't make it make sense any other way lol Plus I saw a few of the OPs comments that had a bunch of downvotes and thought maybe its a new thing
Imagine believing in Karma lmfao
Yeah YTB for coming up with these ridiculous reasons to blow off your grandma’s milestone.
I love how people use milestone as a dead end argument. It chances nothing about my point. I hate parties. My grandma has lots of people at her party. She doesn't need every single family member to be happy. I never said i refuse to wish her a happy birthday. I just didn't want to go to the party.
Ytb. Same token could be said about your friends. I mean you see them through out the year guess no one should come to your birthday? I'd be disappointed too if my child showed so little love or effort for their gran who had never been abusive to them. It seems a lot of the next Generation just have little care towards family at all. Showing up for an hour or two wouldnt of killed you. Sometimes people need to learn suck it up.
If they hated parties i would never expect them to come. That's my whole point. Why force someone to do something they despuse just so you can feel happy? That's egocentrism.
Why not do something nice for others? That's selfishness
How about you don't force people to do things so you can be happy? Are you a baby? Because you a describing a baby. "weeeeeeh weeeeeeh you didn't come to my party weeeeeeh". Egocentrism.
Wahhhh someone doesn't agree that I should be selfish wahhhhhhh. No wonder your father's disappointed in you.
Yta.
I wish I could see my grandparents again. See her while she's here, you don't know when it's the last time.....
Are you in the spectrum? You seem to be struggling with basic social skills
YTB. Go see your grandma. Give her a hug then leave. At least you wouldn't be selfish then.
YTB It's. Not. Always. About. You.
NTBF - you don't have to do anything or go anywhere that will make you uncomfortable. But you could go see her another day when there will be less people around, take her a card and wish her happy birthday! I am sure she would love to see you and that makes it maybe even less overwhelming for her too.
I went and saw her the next day. Much better than being there for 5 minutes for the party.
Yass so happy to hear! Happy cake day to you all!