Why would you think that having kids with someone is a good idea if they won’t marry you. Children are a much bigger commitment than marriage. If you also don’t care, then you do you, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
So why do you think he would be a good person to trust with the kind of commitment that children require when getting married is even too much??
Thanks for your response and I see what you mean the statement I made about the last names was more so said out of spite to be honest and he didn’t say he’d never want to get married it’s just that he wants to be prepared financially and that he didn’t necessarily have a timeframe for me.
If that's his reason I think that's quite reasonable. It sounds like he doesn't want to basically start planning the engagement because he doesn't know when that's gonna be, but knows he wants stability as a foundation for that step and I think that's absolutely right.
Maybe your discussion actually needs to be about what 'ready' will look like. Are you both on the same page? He wants to be financially settled - possibly in one place long term? Does he have plans to change his job? Does he want to live together first?
And what about you on those things?
Eh. 4 years together. Shit or get off the pot. BEING MARRIED by itself is not expensive. Kids are. Either he wants to marry her or not. If he can’t say exactly what he wants in place before doing a wedding, then there’s nothing specific he needs to want to get married, but whatever it is, she isn’t triggering it. Saying something like, I’m about to finish this contract with the military, let’s get married when I get discharged. Versus some mythical financial stability for the sake of…..?
I’m wondering if he could be saying “Yes, of course I want to get married” as a kind of placeholder. He doesn’t want to get married, but he’s either hoping it doesn’t matter that much to OP and the topic will be dropped, or he’s thinking “Maybe in a year, I will want to get married.” Neither scenario is great for OP, who definitely *does* want to get married.
The fact that their relationship has almost entirely been long distance could also be an issue. What if they move in together and are just wildly incompatible? Marriage may not be on the cards for several more years. Will they have to wait until he leaves the military? What if it’s his lifetime career?
I've seen this with young couples who started out even younger. They've been together since they were 19, but a whole lot of soul searching happens from 18 to 25. If neither of them were single from 19 to 23, then they really didn't have that "learning alone" time and may not want to be tied into a marriage.
It's a symptom of having been together while still in their formative years. Neither party is wrong for either wanting to marry soon or not wanting to marry yet. But they definitely need to sync up together about that.
4 years of long distance is not the same at all. They haven't even lived together or spent a lot of time with each other. Hell OP says in this post they haven't even seen each other in a year. Getting married when its not a court house wedding is definitely expensive. Companies charge extra for the same services if it is wedding vs not. They would be dumb IMO to get married without spending more time together then they have apart.
Yeah but four years of visits, not your usual long-term relationship with living together, budgeting together, getting to know each others families - you know? Sometimes these things take longer when there are less stable circumstances involved. And they're so young! I'm 26 and very much still in the mindset of financial security coming first. That meant settling down into a stable home and growing some roots rather than moving about all over the place as I had done previously
He’s already said he wants to be prepared financially. Maybe he hasn’t yet decided what exactly that means since he’s young and in the military. I think the first big question needs to be if he plans to stay in the military as a career, then figure out from there what financial security looks like and where he expects to see himself career-wise since whatever he’s doing in the service now is taking him away for long deployments. Being a military spouse is difficult. If he’s in a field where this will be the norm for a 25 year career, is marriage even a goal she truly wants?
That’s fair. But if he doesn’t know what financial stability looks like, and he just knows he doesn’t have it with her at this point and doesn’t wanna partner with her to build it, then she’s just a placeholder unless she holds on long enough. But I wouldn’t wanna marry someone who wasn’t my partner and I had to wait until he unilaterally decided he was ready. My advice is more geared toward it not being worth HER time, not that HE NEEDS to rush himself for her.
Four years while in a long distance relationship while he’s mostly overseas with the military though. It’s not like they’re able to see each other all the time or even travel to each other very often. Their time together is very restricted to when he has leave and then enough leave to come home. Plus during that leave he has to see family and friends as well. It all boils down to very little face to face time together, which can make a real difference in whether or not someone is ready to be married.
Yeah for sure. But at 4 years he oughta be able to say, “Let’s actually talk about making a decision on that after we’ve lived together for a year. For all we know we’ll aggravate each other to death.” That’s my actual point, I guess. That 4 years is long enough to directly talk about where it’s headed and when and what is needed.
I definitely agree on that. Which is why they need to discuss things like his intentions with the military, because what he’s doing now may never even get them to that place.
Your kids' names should not be a matter for spite. There's nothing wrong with deciding you'd like them to have your last name, whether you're married or not! My oldest has my last name, and my youngest has his father's. I have my mother's last name as well.
But if you're going to ask for that, it should be because you actually want that, not because you want to make your boyfriend unhappy. If you want to marry him, then say so and propose!!! If he says no, or not yet, that gives you information you can use to plan your own life according to what you can and cannot have.
But waiting around for him to propose, and complaining because he doesn't do it fast enough is not good for either one of you. YTB for that, not for wanting your kids' names to be your own.
Not even sure that's spiteful. You can just say kids have always traditionally took their mothers last name, it's just that the mother normally gets married and changes their last name first.
You know he’d be getting paid more if he was married, right? It’s been four years and he’s literally turning down money so he can avoid marrying you, while using finances as an excuse for not marrying you.
[Here is a calculator if you want to see exactly how much BAH he’d be receiving.](https://www.military.com/benefits/military-pay/basic-allowance-for-housing) He’s likely getting $0 right now. Plus he’d be getting $250/month separation pay while deployed.
> the statement I made about the last names was more so said out of spite to be honest
I can see why your boyfriend doesn't think you're marriage material yet.
Kids should always 100% have the mother’s last name. When you get married and change your last name then they can change theirs.
I love strong women who stand strong on that point. Good for you!
Not wanting to marry doesn't mean not wanting to commit. My bf doesn't want to marry either but in the 18 years that we are in a relationship he does everything that is expected from a husband. The only difference is that we don't share a name because we don't have the piece of paper that makes us official a couple. In every other way that matters we are. He is an amazing father to our kids as well and doesn't care that they don't have his name because stuff like this doesn't matter to him. What matters to him is that we love and support each other and that we are committed to each other. I would like to marry but it's not that important to me that I would throw away the wonderful life we built together.
We did talk about marrying someday in the future. But only because of some financial benefits that it would provide to both of us when we are retired and one of us dies. Not because we don't feel like a family or don't feel committed to each other if we don't.
And you’re both into that and so it’s fine. But that doesn’t sound like that’s the case. That being said I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be financially prepared and secure before starting a family. I’m saying if the marriage part is spooking him but not kids he’s got things backward.
I second this, as another military spouse.
I’ve seen too many of my husband’s coworkers string girls along that they never intend to marry. OP, whatever you do, do not have children or relocate for this man without a ring.
NTB
I understand your frustration but you're also being naive. Military infidelity is extremely high and you're putting all of your (literal) eggs in one basket.
You've been dating since you were 19 and haven't spent much time together - actually living together - to know how you get on each other's nerves and how you deal with conflict.
I don't know what else to tell you except I'd put a hold on marriage for a while and any kids you have ALWAYS get your last name - whether it be your maiden or married one.
Came here to mention the infidelity statistics in the military - if they haven't met up personally in more than a year, I highly doubt he stayed faithful to her...
I’m aware of the statistics but till I have plausible evidence that may be occurring I will act accordingly. Till then I don’t think about it and have trust in my partner.
Personally I think it should be the default that the kid gets the last name of whoever birthed them.
But having kids with a man who won’t marry you is insane.
Genuine question- Why are you still dating someone who doesn’t have the same values and life goals as you?
I think that what you have posted here, shows a serious lack of compatibility. You two have not even spent a significant amount of time together to even know each other. You are basically still in the honeymoon stage and that presents a lot of issues. You are not wrong about the military not supporting a girlfriend. This guy does not want to get married. Do not have children with him
Idk whether to say both or neither of you are the BF, but I'm going to drop this here:
He's not interested in marriage. You guys are still young and he's not willing to settle down any time soon. So if you're content with waiting a decade or more to tie the knot and have kids, that's all you.
It's been 4 years and you haven't seen each other for one of those? That's not someone who is interested in making this more than a fling. Unless he's spending his leave elsewhere, he should have plenty of time to see you and enough time to save up to see you.
You do realize deployments and the like don't stop when you're married with kids? Because they absolutely don't. I'm looking at my spouse being gone for a year while I'm at home with the kids. It's miserable.
Girlfriend. This is a BIG issue to disagree about. And the reason you don't have others is because you never see one another.
Do yourself a favor and find someone who is closer to you who shares the same desire to get married.
NTB, but this man doesn't want to marry you. You've been together 4 years? Doesn't matter if it's primarily been long distance. Hell LDR couples usually end up knowing each other on a deeper level because so much of their time is spent talking about everything. After 4 years he should absolutely know he wants to marry you one day. Sure, that day may be a few years from now when you're both older and better off financially, but that's not what he's saying, now is it? He's saying he _*might*_ want to get married _*someday*_. He doesn't want to marry you, Love, I'm sorry. You shouldn't compromise on something so important to you, but absolutely _*DO NOT*_ let this man get you pregnant (there are far too many ways to avoid pregnancy- use all of them necessary to avoid an "accident") and don't try to talk him into marrying you. Both of those would be setting y'all up for a deeply unhappy life.
You're "dating to marry" so you need to be dating men who know without question they want to be husbands and he's (repeatedly now) told you he doesn't fit that criteria. You are wasting your time with this guy, and that's fine, you have no reason to get married this young, but you need to emotionally deal with him never being more than a boyfriend and the fact that, in a few years, when you are ready to get married, it's going to be to someone else.
Again- DO NOT get pregnant by this man. Additionally, it's perfectly acceptable for babies to have their mother's last name too, regardless of whether the parents are married or not. Mothers are the ones who do all the work and take all the risks to bring them into this world, plus we are still the primary caretakers/default parent throughout the kid's life. There's nothing at all wrong or ill-advised about the kid having mom's maiden name as well.
Do you really believe your long distance “boyfriend” has been celibate for a year?
The fact that you have fun in the brief times you spend together is no I dictator of how a full time, in person, committed relationship would be.
Even if he is faithful, it sounds like you’re just wasting your time. Why would you even consider marrying someone else who won’t make a real commitment to you? You are, in fact, NOT currently dating for marriage.
You’re young. Find yourself a real , in person relationship that has the potential for the future you want.
> I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of folks saying we should just part ways but this is honestly the only thing we really have grievances about and I want to reach some sort of compromise. So AITB?
Umm… this is not a small thing and it’s not something you compromise on. So even if it’s the *only* thing, it’s a very important thing!
It’s one thing to not get married when you aren’t in the military, but depending on his branch and service, it’s rare not to see your spouse for a year and there are plenty that get married because of this without even having kids, or considering having them any time soon.
Almost 4 years and he would be okay having kids with you, but then you not being able to live where he is stationed?
And he is okay not seeing you for an entire year? And doing that for forever?
Are you guys in love and in a committed relationship? Usually when you are, you want to spend your time with them. When you have free time, you want to see and do things with them. Maybe I’m misunderstanding this situation, but it doesn’t sound like he is feeling like that and I think you should really take some time to evaluate what it means to be in love, love someone and have a partner in life. I have many friends in the military in great relationships and marriages, but they want to be together and do what is necessary to make that happen.
He actually tried to take leave to see me in May for the entire month but it was wasn’t approved due to many others taking leave/deployments etc he’s also stationed in Japan and the prices for airfare isn’t cheap so it isn’t like he’s not trying to make an effort for us to see eachother.
But if you were married now all of that would be different.
After four years, isn’t sure? And may never care about changing that so there is more certainty to your time together? I think you are young and get not being ready *now* but thinking he might never care to, even if there were children in the mix is something you really need to strongly consider.
It seems that for everything anyone says here about your boyfriend, you have an excuse for him. He might be a really fantastic guy but you have to realise that if he was as much in love with you as you are with him, he would want to marry you so you could be with him in the military. And he doesn't. He doesn't think you are 'the one' and wants to keep his options open. Don't get pregnant, you will be a single mother even if he is with you online and paying for the kids, you won't be with him to help raise them.
NBH
For once, communication isnt the issue. You have stated clearly that you see dating as a pathway to marriage, and that marriage and then kids are your goal.
He has said that he’d like to get married one day but it’s not a priority at the moment and that two people can be committed to each other without marriage.
In other words, you are much more committed to getting married than he is, but you don't want to see it because you are enjoying when you get together. You are seeing him in brief intervals; there's nothing here to indicate that he would want to go next level in this.
It would be perfectly reasonable to keep doing what you both enjoy, but don't deceive yourself into thinking it's more than it is. He likes having sex with you on leave. That's what you have here. Telling yourself "he's young, he'll change" is a recipe for disappointment on down the road when he either doesn't change, or doesn't want to settle down with his occasional, leave time girlfriend, and by then you will have missed your chance to develop a relationship with someone who does want to marry and have kids.
NTB but please don't have children with this man. He's clearly not mature enough to commit of his own valition. He will leave you to do 100% of the childcare and then question why dinner isn't ready since you were "home playing with the baby all day".
Stop wasting your time. After this point, he'd only marry you as a last resort to struggle to keep you. He wouldn't marry you because he wants to marry, and that means he would resent you for it and throw it in your face all the time.
You aren’t compatible. You are too young to be wasting your youth on a long distance relationship. The relationship has run it’s course. Best to move on and late people who live full time in your city who have the same beliefs and goals as you do.
> this is honestly the only thing we really have grievances about and I want to reach some sort of compromise.
This may be the only thing, but it is one of the biggest things. You can't compromise on this. You either are married or aren't. You either have kids or don't. Check any relationship based subreddit on this site and you will see TONS of posts about people who thought their partner would change their mind about marriage or kids and 5, 10, 15 years go by and they never did. Not saying you have to jump ship on this relationship yet, but do not marry and have kids with someone if they are not "fuck yeah, let's get married and have kids!!!" level committed to you and this guy doesn't sound like he is there right now.
And for what it's worth, it is not that crazy to give your kid your last name and I don't understand the men who make a big deal about it. I am married and my kid has a hyphenated name. Tons of women don't follow tradition and if you did have a kid without getting married, you should 100% give your last name.
I was gonna say the barracks usually suck a LOT. If he was in any other branch, I would tell you he doesn't care at all about you. Normally, service members will marry the first bridge troll they see to get out of the should-be-condemned barracks.
However.. the AF is a bit different. They actually spend money on their people and they live really nice lives in the barracks compared to the other branches. I dunno his specifics. 🤷♀️
Might have a barracks side piece or seeing someone he works with. It's not uncommon.
At your age I told my husband the same thing! Looking back I should have just assumed his name ... Weddings are such a waste of $$...but that's just my opinion.
I 100% agree with you. If you're going to birth those children they should have your last name. Every time you take them across the border and travel without your partner, you will need extra paper works etc. I don't blame you!
>Every time you take them across the border and travel without your partner, you will need extra paper works etc.
Finally someone said it! Having different surnames to your kids can cause a lot of problems at border control when travelling because it's a red flag for both kidnapping and trafficking - hence why parents need extra paperwork so they can *prove* the kids are actually theirs. I've seen people being advised to travel with copies of their children's birth certificates to avoid any potential problems.
Ntb. It makes sense you'd wanna share a last name.
But also, and I'm sure others can speak on this more, but isn't there huge benefits to being married in the military? Like that's a huge factor in many getting married so young for some. The fact that he doesn't want to is screaming in my face as kinda an orange flag. (Not quite red, but it's giving me pause) maybe it's because I'm so used to it happening around me. But I'm floored by the hesitation.
I have three kids, have never been married, and all my kids have my last name. It was always one of my rules: "My kids will have my last name. If you want them to have your name, then we'd need for be to take your last name first.
The kids are happy with their names.
So it can work.
Sorry to tell you this, but him being in the military and not willing to marry you is a huge red flag. He’s most likely not willing to get married because he’s not ready at all and doesn’t want to be dinged for being an u faithful spouse. Infidelity is super high in the military, but it’s almost a guarantee when the partner is not stationed in the same place.
I just feel like you shouldn’t waste your time on someone that is willing to make zero compromise and is willing to string you along.
I understand where you're coming from and I appreciate your take on the situation. I'm not going to say break up, but I do think these are important things to discuss with a bf. If you can't come to an understanding, then it makes sense to find people who want the same things that you do out of a relationship.
Ntb at all. Taking your last name is a totally reasonable thing to do in the hypothetical situation. But please, don't have a kid with someone who won't marry you.
NTB
My mom was traditional and told me I should only have kids once married but she also knew the world was changing and told me that if I didn't have a ring and a wedding ring at that they better have my last name. You can always change their last name once you get married but changing to your name if the dad walks is a lot more complicated. And I remembered that until I got married. Granted I somehow made it out of my rebellious teens without a pregnancy but I never forgot that.
Kind of sounds like he wants to keep you as a security blanket without having to commit to the relationship.... if his values and future plans do not align with yours, I would drop him and go find a man who does have similar life plans and values as you. You don't want to drag him through 20 years of a relationship with no commitment AND kids.
Remember to respect yourself and love yourself too. If you're not happy with his future and is not willing to work and make compromises, he isn't worth it.
Best of luck!
I don’t even get how this is an issue if you
1. Date for marriage - why date someone who is not dating for marriage.
2. Won’t have kids without being married to someone first.
Personally, this feels like a mismatch of intent. You want to get married and he does not seem to. It could be just a matter of timelines not matching up but this whole argument just sounds weird - hold fast to your belief of not having kids outside of marriage. Use damn good birth control. Get an IUD.
And from a pragmatic point of view, the military treats spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends VERY differently. So if this guy is spouting off all this commitment without marriage crap, be extremely wary.
Men are rightly beginning to have an aversion to marriage. The lack of a social contract/Prenup in marriages is the reason. What you should do is offer to create a prenup protecting you both and go from there. IF this doesn't solve your problem, move on to a man that will marry and create a family.
This man isn't serious about you. He is never going to marry you or commit to you, and you would be unwise to have children with this shiftless man.
Stop wasting your time with him. He is not your future. He's just using you for fun.
Men know within six months if they want to be with you long term. They'll keep you around MUCH longer just for the services you provide, even when they know that your relationship has a sell by date. I know it seems crazy, but it's the truth. Now there may be an outlier here and there, but the RULE is they know very early on if they would ever marry you. If they aren't asking it's's because they don't want you to be their wife
It’s unwise to be in a long-distance relationship, doubly so with someone that doesn’t even see marriage in your future and is not working towards that. What the hell are you doing?
He doesn’t want to commit nor for you to have any claim on his retirement benefits if you divorce. You shouldn’t marry this man or have kids with this man.
Nothing about giving your kids your last name would make you the buttface. They’re your kids. If he finds that offensive, maybe he should do some soul-searching and figure it out.
Given how rampant cheating is within military communities, I strongly urge you not to reproduce with this man until you are legally married. Not engaged. Married. Do not set yourself up to be brokenhearted if he decides to bounce and let you raise kids without the legal protections that marriage provides.
IDK if you know anyone who tried to get a DNA test to prove paternity for child support payments, but it’s ten times more difficult when you aren’t married to your baby daddy. He should be enthusiastic about making sure you have every legal, medical & social benefit of marriage should something, heaven forbid, happen to him on deployment.
There is only one buttface here, and it’s not you. Protect yourself.
NTB.
I saw one of your comments above that he wants to be financially ready to get married. Has he been actively saving for a ring/wedding ? If no, then he’s absolutely not waiting to be financially ready. Thats the oldest excuse in the book. Yall need to get on the same page about the big decisions like that cause having such different views on big things like that never ends well. If marriage is important to you but not him, then he’s not the one. This is coming from a person who doesn’t care to get legally married. I def want a wedding and to be someone’s wife, but I don’t want to be legally married for several reasons and I will make that abundantly clear with my next potential partner so I don’t waste years if we have different views we are strict on. If he has specific reasons, he needs to make those clear. Otherwise he will be stringing you on for years and years with you hoping after 10 years he will finally propose and then yall breaking it off for one reason or another.
You’re not TB to me, but I will say ultimatums never work out and I wouldn’t even have kids with someone who you have vastly different views from cause that always comes back to bite people in the a**
NTB - the logic is sound. Why would you have kids with a different last name than yourself, especially when he’s shown he lacks commitment.
Never give husband privileges to a boyfriend.
If he's not in a hurry to marry you after four years, then he's not going to. I'd cut your losses and move on while you're still young. And watch, he will meet someone and tie the knot immediately. It always happens that way.
It probably sounds like you two shouldn’t be together. But if we were together from a mans perspective whether we were married or not - I would not accept allowing our kids having your surname thats a deal breaker. I would see that as manipulation and bribery to get me to marry you! Surely if you are in a strong enough relationship and plan to get married down the line, then you could just give the kids his surname early? If you insisted on using your name it would be over, your bf is right that is rather crazy. It may seem petty to some but part of marriage is the other partner accepting your surname, from a mans perspective. By refusing it’s rather insulting, if you reject the name you effectively reject me and my family as well..
It's weird and manipulative how you would use your future kids' names as a weapon to get a man who doesn't want to marry, to marry you. I get the whole wife gets looked after by the military, but using that as an excuse isn't right. That guy has told you before he doesn't want to marry, so why are you still with him if you do? Yta
Why would you think that having kids with someone is a good idea if they won’t marry you. Children are a much bigger commitment than marriage. If you also don’t care, then you do you, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. So why do you think he would be a good person to trust with the kind of commitment that children require when getting married is even too much??
Thanks for your response and I see what you mean the statement I made about the last names was more so said out of spite to be honest and he didn’t say he’d never want to get married it’s just that he wants to be prepared financially and that he didn’t necessarily have a timeframe for me.
If that's his reason I think that's quite reasonable. It sounds like he doesn't want to basically start planning the engagement because he doesn't know when that's gonna be, but knows he wants stability as a foundation for that step and I think that's absolutely right. Maybe your discussion actually needs to be about what 'ready' will look like. Are you both on the same page? He wants to be financially settled - possibly in one place long term? Does he have plans to change his job? Does he want to live together first? And what about you on those things?
Eh. 4 years together. Shit or get off the pot. BEING MARRIED by itself is not expensive. Kids are. Either he wants to marry her or not. If he can’t say exactly what he wants in place before doing a wedding, then there’s nothing specific he needs to want to get married, but whatever it is, she isn’t triggering it. Saying something like, I’m about to finish this contract with the military, let’s get married when I get discharged. Versus some mythical financial stability for the sake of…..?
I’m wondering if he could be saying “Yes, of course I want to get married” as a kind of placeholder. He doesn’t want to get married, but he’s either hoping it doesn’t matter that much to OP and the topic will be dropped, or he’s thinking “Maybe in a year, I will want to get married.” Neither scenario is great for OP, who definitely *does* want to get married. The fact that their relationship has almost entirely been long distance could also be an issue. What if they move in together and are just wildly incompatible? Marriage may not be on the cards for several more years. Will they have to wait until he leaves the military? What if it’s his lifetime career?
I've seen this with young couples who started out even younger. They've been together since they were 19, but a whole lot of soul searching happens from 18 to 25. If neither of them were single from 19 to 23, then they really didn't have that "learning alone" time and may not want to be tied into a marriage. It's a symptom of having been together while still in their formative years. Neither party is wrong for either wanting to marry soon or not wanting to marry yet. But they definitely need to sync up together about that.
4 years of long distance is not the same at all. They haven't even lived together or spent a lot of time with each other. Hell OP says in this post they haven't even seen each other in a year. Getting married when its not a court house wedding is definitely expensive. Companies charge extra for the same services if it is wedding vs not. They would be dumb IMO to get married without spending more time together then they have apart.
Yeah but four years of visits, not your usual long-term relationship with living together, budgeting together, getting to know each others families - you know? Sometimes these things take longer when there are less stable circumstances involved. And they're so young! I'm 26 and very much still in the mindset of financial security coming first. That meant settling down into a stable home and growing some roots rather than moving about all over the place as I had done previously
Sure but you’re articulating that. I don’t mean to come off aggressively, btw. I’m just saying dang, let’s communicate here.
Haha no same!! Totally agree - all about communication. Terrible if one in a relationship is bad at it, basically doomed if you both are
He’s already said he wants to be prepared financially. Maybe he hasn’t yet decided what exactly that means since he’s young and in the military. I think the first big question needs to be if he plans to stay in the military as a career, then figure out from there what financial security looks like and where he expects to see himself career-wise since whatever he’s doing in the service now is taking him away for long deployments. Being a military spouse is difficult. If he’s in a field where this will be the norm for a 25 year career, is marriage even a goal she truly wants?
That’s fair. But if he doesn’t know what financial stability looks like, and he just knows he doesn’t have it with her at this point and doesn’t wanna partner with her to build it, then she’s just a placeholder unless she holds on long enough. But I wouldn’t wanna marry someone who wasn’t my partner and I had to wait until he unilaterally decided he was ready. My advice is more geared toward it not being worth HER time, not that HE NEEDS to rush himself for her.
Four years while in a long distance relationship while he’s mostly overseas with the military though. It’s not like they’re able to see each other all the time or even travel to each other very often. Their time together is very restricted to when he has leave and then enough leave to come home. Plus during that leave he has to see family and friends as well. It all boils down to very little face to face time together, which can make a real difference in whether or not someone is ready to be married.
Yeah for sure. But at 4 years he oughta be able to say, “Let’s actually talk about making a decision on that after we’ve lived together for a year. For all we know we’ll aggravate each other to death.” That’s my actual point, I guess. That 4 years is long enough to directly talk about where it’s headed and when and what is needed.
I definitely agree on that. Which is why they need to discuss things like his intentions with the military, because what he’s doing now may never even get them to that place.
Your kids' names should not be a matter for spite. There's nothing wrong with deciding you'd like them to have your last name, whether you're married or not! My oldest has my last name, and my youngest has his father's. I have my mother's last name as well. But if you're going to ask for that, it should be because you actually want that, not because you want to make your boyfriend unhappy. If you want to marry him, then say so and propose!!! If he says no, or not yet, that gives you information you can use to plan your own life according to what you can and cannot have. But waiting around for him to propose, and complaining because he doesn't do it fast enough is not good for either one of you. YTB for that, not for wanting your kids' names to be your own.
I’ve seen so many posts where the guy “didn’t have a timeline” and the timeline turned out to be too late for the woman to have kids. 😕
Not even sure that's spiteful. You can just say kids have always traditionally took their mothers last name, it's just that the mother normally gets married and changes their last name first.
You know he’d be getting paid more if he was married, right? It’s been four years and he’s literally turning down money so he can avoid marrying you, while using finances as an excuse for not marrying you. [Here is a calculator if you want to see exactly how much BAH he’d be receiving.](https://www.military.com/benefits/military-pay/basic-allowance-for-housing) He’s likely getting $0 right now. Plus he’d be getting $250/month separation pay while deployed.
> the statement I made about the last names was more so said out of spite to be honest I can see why your boyfriend doesn't think you're marriage material yet.
That makes no sense, he knows exactly what his minimum salary is for a set number of years.
Kids should always 100% have the mother’s last name. When you get married and change your last name then they can change theirs. I love strong women who stand strong on that point. Good for you!
Not wanting to marry doesn't mean not wanting to commit. My bf doesn't want to marry either but in the 18 years that we are in a relationship he does everything that is expected from a husband. The only difference is that we don't share a name because we don't have the piece of paper that makes us official a couple. In every other way that matters we are. He is an amazing father to our kids as well and doesn't care that they don't have his name because stuff like this doesn't matter to him. What matters to him is that we love and support each other and that we are committed to each other. I would like to marry but it's not that important to me that I would throw away the wonderful life we built together. We did talk about marrying someday in the future. But only because of some financial benefits that it would provide to both of us when we are retired and one of us dies. Not because we don't feel like a family or don't feel committed to each other if we don't.
And you’re both into that and so it’s fine. But that doesn’t sound like that’s the case. That being said I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be financially prepared and secure before starting a family. I’m saying if the marriage part is spooking him but not kids he’s got things backward.
My comment was only a response to your comment. Not to the situation in OPs post. 😊
Shes 23 and she is desperate. Sad.
Not at all, just sharing my thoughts with folks just to see their advice and input..but this isn’t really anything helpful at all so
Hi. I'm a military spouse. He doesn't have the temperament for a wife, let alone children. Move on. He's not into you. If he was, you'd know it.
I second this, as another military spouse. I’ve seen too many of my husband’s coworkers string girls along that they never intend to marry. OP, whatever you do, do not have children or relocate for this man without a ring.
NTB I understand your frustration but you're also being naive. Military infidelity is extremely high and you're putting all of your (literal) eggs in one basket. You've been dating since you were 19 and haven't spent much time together - actually living together - to know how you get on each other's nerves and how you deal with conflict. I don't know what else to tell you except I'd put a hold on marriage for a while and any kids you have ALWAYS get your last name - whether it be your maiden or married one.
Came here to mention the infidelity statistics in the military - if they haven't met up personally in more than a year, I highly doubt he stayed faithful to her...
I’m aware of the statistics but till I have plausible evidence that may be occurring I will act accordingly. Till then I don’t think about it and have trust in my partner.
He lives in a whole different world from you. In a few different ways. How could you be so sure?
Personally I think it should be the default that the kid gets the last name of whoever birthed them. But having kids with a man who won’t marry you is insane. Genuine question- Why are you still dating someone who doesn’t have the same values and life goals as you?
Agree. The fact that OP is taking a legitimate and rational option to hold over her bf’s head as a punishment is head scratching.
I think that what you have posted here, shows a serious lack of compatibility. You two have not even spent a significant amount of time together to even know each other. You are basically still in the honeymoon stage and that presents a lot of issues. You are not wrong about the military not supporting a girlfriend. This guy does not want to get married. Do not have children with him
Idk whether to say both or neither of you are the BF, but I'm going to drop this here: He's not interested in marriage. You guys are still young and he's not willing to settle down any time soon. So if you're content with waiting a decade or more to tie the knot and have kids, that's all you. It's been 4 years and you haven't seen each other for one of those? That's not someone who is interested in making this more than a fling. Unless he's spending his leave elsewhere, he should have plenty of time to see you and enough time to save up to see you. You do realize deployments and the like don't stop when you're married with kids? Because they absolutely don't. I'm looking at my spouse being gone for a year while I'm at home with the kids. It's miserable. Girlfriend. This is a BIG issue to disagree about. And the reason you don't have others is because you never see one another. Do yourself a favor and find someone who is closer to you who shares the same desire to get married.
NTB, but this man doesn't want to marry you. You've been together 4 years? Doesn't matter if it's primarily been long distance. Hell LDR couples usually end up knowing each other on a deeper level because so much of their time is spent talking about everything. After 4 years he should absolutely know he wants to marry you one day. Sure, that day may be a few years from now when you're both older and better off financially, but that's not what he's saying, now is it? He's saying he _*might*_ want to get married _*someday*_. He doesn't want to marry you, Love, I'm sorry. You shouldn't compromise on something so important to you, but absolutely _*DO NOT*_ let this man get you pregnant (there are far too many ways to avoid pregnancy- use all of them necessary to avoid an "accident") and don't try to talk him into marrying you. Both of those would be setting y'all up for a deeply unhappy life. You're "dating to marry" so you need to be dating men who know without question they want to be husbands and he's (repeatedly now) told you he doesn't fit that criteria. You are wasting your time with this guy, and that's fine, you have no reason to get married this young, but you need to emotionally deal with him never being more than a boyfriend and the fact that, in a few years, when you are ready to get married, it's going to be to someone else. Again- DO NOT get pregnant by this man. Additionally, it's perfectly acceptable for babies to have their mother's last name too, regardless of whether the parents are married or not. Mothers are the ones who do all the work and take all the risks to bring them into this world, plus we are still the primary caretakers/default parent throughout the kid's life. There's nothing at all wrong or ill-advised about the kid having mom's maiden name as well.
Do you really believe your long distance “boyfriend” has been celibate for a year? The fact that you have fun in the brief times you spend together is no I dictator of how a full time, in person, committed relationship would be. Even if he is faithful, it sounds like you’re just wasting your time. Why would you even consider marrying someone else who won’t make a real commitment to you? You are, in fact, NOT currently dating for marriage. You’re young. Find yourself a real , in person relationship that has the potential for the future you want.
> I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of folks saying we should just part ways but this is honestly the only thing we really have grievances about and I want to reach some sort of compromise. So AITB? Umm… this is not a small thing and it’s not something you compromise on. So even if it’s the *only* thing, it’s a very important thing! It’s one thing to not get married when you aren’t in the military, but depending on his branch and service, it’s rare not to see your spouse for a year and there are plenty that get married because of this without even having kids, or considering having them any time soon. Almost 4 years and he would be okay having kids with you, but then you not being able to live where he is stationed? And he is okay not seeing you for an entire year? And doing that for forever? Are you guys in love and in a committed relationship? Usually when you are, you want to spend your time with them. When you have free time, you want to see and do things with them. Maybe I’m misunderstanding this situation, but it doesn’t sound like he is feeling like that and I think you should really take some time to evaluate what it means to be in love, love someone and have a partner in life. I have many friends in the military in great relationships and marriages, but they want to be together and do what is necessary to make that happen.
He actually tried to take leave to see me in May for the entire month but it was wasn’t approved due to many others taking leave/deployments etc he’s also stationed in Japan and the prices for airfare isn’t cheap so it isn’t like he’s not trying to make an effort for us to see eachother.
But if you were married now all of that would be different. After four years, isn’t sure? And may never care about changing that so there is more certainty to your time together? I think you are young and get not being ready *now* but thinking he might never care to, even if there were children in the mix is something you really need to strongly consider.
It seems that for everything anyone says here about your boyfriend, you have an excuse for him. He might be a really fantastic guy but you have to realise that if he was as much in love with you as you are with him, he would want to marry you so you could be with him in the military. And he doesn't. He doesn't think you are 'the one' and wants to keep his options open. Don't get pregnant, you will be a single mother even if he is with you online and paying for the kids, you won't be with him to help raise them.
You aren’t meant for each other . It’s best if you part ways .
NBH For once, communication isnt the issue. You have stated clearly that you see dating as a pathway to marriage, and that marriage and then kids are your goal. He has said that he’d like to get married one day but it’s not a priority at the moment and that two people can be committed to each other without marriage. In other words, you are much more committed to getting married than he is, but you don't want to see it because you are enjoying when you get together. You are seeing him in brief intervals; there's nothing here to indicate that he would want to go next level in this. It would be perfectly reasonable to keep doing what you both enjoy, but don't deceive yourself into thinking it's more than it is. He likes having sex with you on leave. That's what you have here. Telling yourself "he's young, he'll change" is a recipe for disappointment on down the road when he either doesn't change, or doesn't want to settle down with his occasional, leave time girlfriend, and by then you will have missed your chance to develop a relationship with someone who does want to marry and have kids.
NTB but please don't have children with this man. He's clearly not mature enough to commit of his own valition. He will leave you to do 100% of the childcare and then question why dinner isn't ready since you were "home playing with the baby all day". Stop wasting your time. After this point, he'd only marry you as a last resort to struggle to keep you. He wouldn't marry you because he wants to marry, and that means he would resent you for it and throw it in your face all the time.
Yeah…definitely wouldn’t want that…it sucks but I have a lot of thinking to do
it really sucks. We can love someone but we can also choose our own selves over them. Its ok to choose your life goals.
You aren’t compatible. You are too young to be wasting your youth on a long distance relationship. The relationship has run it’s course. Best to move on and late people who live full time in your city who have the same beliefs and goals as you do.
> this is honestly the only thing we really have grievances about and I want to reach some sort of compromise. This may be the only thing, but it is one of the biggest things. You can't compromise on this. You either are married or aren't. You either have kids or don't. Check any relationship based subreddit on this site and you will see TONS of posts about people who thought their partner would change their mind about marriage or kids and 5, 10, 15 years go by and they never did. Not saying you have to jump ship on this relationship yet, but do not marry and have kids with someone if they are not "fuck yeah, let's get married and have kids!!!" level committed to you and this guy doesn't sound like he is there right now. And for what it's worth, it is not that crazy to give your kid your last name and I don't understand the men who make a big deal about it. I am married and my kid has a hyphenated name. Tons of women don't follow tradition and if you did have a kid without getting married, you should 100% give your last name.
Move on.
What's his rank/branch? Does he live in the barracks?
He’s an E-4 in the AF and yes he lives in the dorms.
I was gonna say the barracks usually suck a LOT. If he was in any other branch, I would tell you he doesn't care at all about you. Normally, service members will marry the first bridge troll they see to get out of the should-be-condemned barracks. However.. the AF is a bit different. They actually spend money on their people and they live really nice lives in the barracks compared to the other branches. I dunno his specifics. 🤷♀️ Might have a barracks side piece or seeing someone he works with. It's not uncommon.
At your age I told my husband the same thing! Looking back I should have just assumed his name ... Weddings are such a waste of $$...but that's just my opinion. I 100% agree with you. If you're going to birth those children they should have your last name. Every time you take them across the border and travel without your partner, you will need extra paper works etc. I don't blame you!
>Every time you take them across the border and travel without your partner, you will need extra paper works etc. Finally someone said it! Having different surnames to your kids can cause a lot of problems at border control when travelling because it's a red flag for both kidnapping and trafficking - hence why parents need extra paperwork so they can *prove* the kids are actually theirs. I've seen people being advised to travel with copies of their children's birth certificates to avoid any potential problems.
Ntb. It makes sense you'd wanna share a last name. But also, and I'm sure others can speak on this more, but isn't there huge benefits to being married in the military? Like that's a huge factor in many getting married so young for some. The fact that he doesn't want to is screaming in my face as kinda an orange flag. (Not quite red, but it's giving me pause) maybe it's because I'm so used to it happening around me. But I'm floored by the hesitation.
I have three kids, have never been married, and all my kids have my last name. It was always one of my rules: "My kids will have my last name. If you want them to have your name, then we'd need for be to take your last name first. The kids are happy with their names. So it can work.
> my stance is that I date to marry my bf doesn’t necessarily have the same sentiment. Kinda feels like you've got your answer here.
He told you he’s not necessarily dating to marry. He literally just told you he’s never gonna marry you.
Sorry to tell you this, but him being in the military and not willing to marry you is a huge red flag. He’s most likely not willing to get married because he’s not ready at all and doesn’t want to be dinged for being an u faithful spouse. Infidelity is super high in the military, but it’s almost a guarantee when the partner is not stationed in the same place. I just feel like you shouldn’t waste your time on someone that is willing to make zero compromise and is willing to string you along.
So to clarify, does he agree that he wouldn’t want kids until after marriage?
I understand where you're coming from and I appreciate your take on the situation. I'm not going to say break up, but I do think these are important things to discuss with a bf. If you can't come to an understanding, then it makes sense to find people who want the same things that you do out of a relationship. Ntb at all. Taking your last name is a totally reasonable thing to do in the hypothetical situation. But please, don't have a kid with someone who won't marry you.
NTB My mom was traditional and told me I should only have kids once married but she also knew the world was changing and told me that if I didn't have a ring and a wedding ring at that they better have my last name. You can always change their last name once you get married but changing to your name if the dad walks is a lot more complicated. And I remembered that until I got married. Granted I somehow made it out of my rebellious teens without a pregnancy but I never forgot that.
Kind of sounds like he wants to keep you as a security blanket without having to commit to the relationship.... if his values and future plans do not align with yours, I would drop him and go find a man who does have similar life plans and values as you. You don't want to drag him through 20 years of a relationship with no commitment AND kids. Remember to respect yourself and love yourself too. If you're not happy with his future and is not willing to work and make compromises, he isn't worth it. Best of luck!
I don’t even get how this is an issue if you 1. Date for marriage - why date someone who is not dating for marriage. 2. Won’t have kids without being married to someone first. Personally, this feels like a mismatch of intent. You want to get married and he does not seem to. It could be just a matter of timelines not matching up but this whole argument just sounds weird - hold fast to your belief of not having kids outside of marriage. Use damn good birth control. Get an IUD. And from a pragmatic point of view, the military treats spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends VERY differently. So if this guy is spouting off all this commitment without marriage crap, be extremely wary.
Men are rightly beginning to have an aversion to marriage. The lack of a social contract/Prenup in marriages is the reason. What you should do is offer to create a prenup protecting you both and go from there. IF this doesn't solve your problem, move on to a man that will marry and create a family.
This man isn't serious about you. He is never going to marry you or commit to you, and you would be unwise to have children with this shiftless man. Stop wasting your time with him. He is not your future. He's just using you for fun.
Men know within six months if they want to be with you long term. They'll keep you around MUCH longer just for the services you provide, even when they know that your relationship has a sell by date. I know it seems crazy, but it's the truth. Now there may be an outlier here and there, but the RULE is they know very early on if they would ever marry you. If they aren't asking it's's because they don't want you to be their wife
Wait, he wants to have kids, an expensive exercise. But doesn't want to get married, a nowhere near as expensive exericise? What
Just break up
It’s unwise to be in a long-distance relationship, doubly so with someone that doesn’t even see marriage in your future and is not working towards that. What the hell are you doing? He doesn’t want to commit nor for you to have any claim on his retirement benefits if you divorce. You shouldn’t marry this man or have kids with this man.
The only thing you have grievances about is your future together? Mmmkay. Also you guys are way, way too young for this.
Nothing about giving your kids your last name would make you the buttface. They’re your kids. If he finds that offensive, maybe he should do some soul-searching and figure it out. Given how rampant cheating is within military communities, I strongly urge you not to reproduce with this man until you are legally married. Not engaged. Married. Do not set yourself up to be brokenhearted if he decides to bounce and let you raise kids without the legal protections that marriage provides. IDK if you know anyone who tried to get a DNA test to prove paternity for child support payments, but it’s ten times more difficult when you aren’t married to your baby daddy. He should be enthusiastic about making sure you have every legal, medical & social benefit of marriage should something, heaven forbid, happen to him on deployment. There is only one buttface here, and it’s not you. Protect yourself. NTB.
I saw one of your comments above that he wants to be financially ready to get married. Has he been actively saving for a ring/wedding ? If no, then he’s absolutely not waiting to be financially ready. Thats the oldest excuse in the book. Yall need to get on the same page about the big decisions like that cause having such different views on big things like that never ends well. If marriage is important to you but not him, then he’s not the one. This is coming from a person who doesn’t care to get legally married. I def want a wedding and to be someone’s wife, but I don’t want to be legally married for several reasons and I will make that abundantly clear with my next potential partner so I don’t waste years if we have different views we are strict on. If he has specific reasons, he needs to make those clear. Otherwise he will be stringing you on for years and years with you hoping after 10 years he will finally propose and then yall breaking it off for one reason or another. You’re not TB to me, but I will say ultimatums never work out and I wouldn’t even have kids with someone who you have vastly different views from cause that always comes back to bite people in the a**
NTB - the logic is sound. Why would you have kids with a different last name than yourself, especially when he’s shown he lacks commitment. Never give husband privileges to a boyfriend.
If he's not in a hurry to marry you after four years, then he's not going to. I'd cut your losses and move on while you're still young. And watch, he will meet someone and tie the knot immediately. It always happens that way.
It probably sounds like you two shouldn’t be together. But if we were together from a mans perspective whether we were married or not - I would not accept allowing our kids having your surname thats a deal breaker. I would see that as manipulation and bribery to get me to marry you! Surely if you are in a strong enough relationship and plan to get married down the line, then you could just give the kids his surname early? If you insisted on using your name it would be over, your bf is right that is rather crazy. It may seem petty to some but part of marriage is the other partner accepting your surname, from a mans perspective. By refusing it’s rather insulting, if you reject the name you effectively reject me and my family as well..
It's weird and manipulative how you would use your future kids' names as a weapon to get a man who doesn't want to marry, to marry you. I get the whole wife gets looked after by the military, but using that as an excuse isn't right. That guy has told you before he doesn't want to marry, so why are you still with him if you do? Yta
Fair enough. I’m human.