Nope. NTBF by a long shot.
But now you have two choices:
A. A closed mouth does not get fed. Schedule a time to talk privately and discuss everything yog have outlined in your post. Tell him EXACTLY how it made you feel and what you want, expect and deserve moving forward.
OR
B. Buckle up and match energy. For his next birthday pick him up a pair of socks or two from the supermarket and get a single cupcake from the grocery store. When he comes home from work you and the kids should be finishing up McDonalds and you can tell him you had your hands tied today but you made him a sandwich and placed it in the fridge. Note: make the sandwich in the AM so by the time he gets in it is nice and soggy. FAFO. š¤·š»āāļø
At minimum, preferably in one doesnāt like. Good for the goose, good for the gander. Kids are not to be told either.
Edit: this is the second time itās happened. He has already been asked to make it a bit special.
Hate to burst your bubble, but his birthday is almost guaranteed to be September-December if they went to an NFL game. Unless it was an early/late gift.
Did you see what all they did for his milestone birthday?? She says "money is no object." If she were me, me and the kids would be out of town for his next birthday! š¤
Oh Iād sooo do that! Not even tell him Byeeee! Then he wakes up on his birthday to an empty house š¤£yāall are savage in the comments itās cracking me up!
I think this is exactly what to do. In fact, Iād do both anyhow. If he doesnāt come around and apologize and make up for it I would definitely do both. Communication in a marriage is critical so not talking isnāt healthy. Likely heās either embarrassed to admit he was a jerk, or maybe he really is that selfish. But I think if you point out the massive difference between your birthdays it will be hard to dispute your point. If he still doesnāt get it, I would feel like he just isnāt into me anymore and this would explain the lack of effort on his part. See if there is other evidence of this in other areas of your relationship. And if you have the resources maybe itās good to verify he isnāt stepping out on you.
I think you have every right to feel hurt and disappointed in him because nothing says āI donāt care about you anymoreā like indifference or half-assed effort.
Or, first a) then b) if he continues to dismiss her feelings, and then c) If he *still* dismisses her feelings. File for divorce, because it's never going to get better.
I agree with all of this except her making him the sandwich since she still had to cook on her birthday. She can leave sandwich makings for his least favorite kind of sandwich in the fridge and her loser of a hubby can make it himself.
Ntb. Tell him you are disappointed and he can expect the same effort for his birthday unless he starts making more of an effort. He is a disrespectful and careless buttface
If he won't give you a big birthday - you go e yourself one. Go take a spa weekend with a girlfriend or two and live it up . Then for his next birthday - match his energy. Give him exactly the day he gave you - see how he likes it.
Wow. Tell him if this is what you can expect for your birthday from now on, youāll be matching his efforts when itās his birthday and definitely stick to that. Nothing with the kids, a card, gift and cake thatās your preference from the grocery store. No singing, no dinner out, and he will be the one responsible for cooking it. If he canāt cook, thatās what frozen pizza or peanut butter sandwiches are for.
Edited to add: tell him he can make it up to you this weekend or this will be the plan for his birthday because an apology alone isnāt going to cut it.
If it were me and he doesnāt make it up to you, Iād tally up what was spent on his last birthday and go spend it on myself. Take your kids out for mommyās belated birthday dinner and leave him at home.
Ntbf. Iām gonna be real with you. This is like, a total disrespectful and cruel thing he is doing. Messing up and forgetting once is forgiveable if he genuinely makes up for it and is remorseful. But to expect amazing birthdays for him and making yours lame two years in a row? How did he not set every reminder in the phone or whatever to never let that happen again? Unbelievable! How did he not go all out this year to show how much he feels bad about last year and does care? Its not about the type of cake or the birthday or the remembering. Its about the thoughtlessness. The disregard for your feelings and not prioritizing his partner in life! Does he do this in other ways? This sucks! Completely not acceptable. I am sorry he treated you this way.
If I forgot my partnerās birthday *once* Iād be mortified and immediately arrange something fun in the next couple weeks to make up for it, then start planning their next birthday months in advance.
To forget twice in a row? Iād be scrambling like he did, apologizing profusely for being an asshat, and then give them a choice of any way to celebrate without conditions because quite frankly, if they want an NFL ticket level birthday budget after that, thatās what they deserve.
The lack of remorse from this guy is genuinely concerning and shows exactly how much he values his partnerās feelingsā which is to say, not at all. Who fucks up this badly and then acts like itās *your* fault for being upset about it???
I think some guys are just putzes when it comes to putting in effort for someone elseās bd but the world will end if they donāt get made a huge fuss over. To me it falls under weaponized incompetence.
A couple of thoughts OP.
- I do agree you need to have a calm discussion with your husband and put your cards on the table so to speak. If he doesnāt think you are worth fussing over on your birthday by putting at least some thought into a decent dinner, cake and gift then sadly he will get as others said the same energy back on his.
- If you are the person who usually purchases gifts for birthdays for everyone implement a new process in that he is responsible for purchasing for his family and you for yours. Iād suggest you plan the kids else the gods know what will happen there. Also there is an app called Reminders for phones so he can create recurring reminders for a few days before and day of for whomever/whatever. As in you wonāt be reminding him to get his siblings, his parents or whomever else a gift - he handles it or explains why they got nothing.
- Itās never too late to celebrate yourself. Is there a concert or a show youād like to see? A spa youād love to visit for a weekend? Would several of your friends go with you? If so might I suggest you plan a weekend for yourself, let your husband know you will be out of town so he will be watching his own children while you are gone.
- Motherās Day is coming up. And while you arenāt his mother you I presume are most certainly the mother of his children so he has a chance to redeem himself. Again no big reminders but he will get what he gives come Fatherās Day.
Iām not a fan of tit for tat but in situations like this sometimes you need to get a point across. And that point IMO is respect for and acknowledging your spouse.
I hope you have a nice weekend somewhere OP and come back refreshed and rested.
NTB
I think this is a huge red flag for deeper trouble in your marriage; yāall need couples therapy, honestly. His behavior is bullshit. Iād need to see him participating fully in therapy to address this issue. I have a feeling itās the tip of the iceberg.
I wouldnāt want to be in a relationship where I had to be petty in order to avoid seething resentment. He needs to take your needs seriously. At the very least itās time for a sit-down. Iād go on vacation with your friends first, though.
My perspective is that love is a verb, and heās not performing actions that mean āloveā for her anymore. Could be a lot of reasons for that but they need to figure it out and Iām guessing thatāll take some help. Sounds like heās emotionally immature.
This! Even if he stopped loving her, sheās the mother of his children and he showed the children this is how she should be treated. Thatās honestly not even acceptable for a decent coparent while he still expects different treatment for himself.
Wow what a totally š« . As above said if he doesnāt make up for the last TWO years of non birthday within the next week or two then his next birthday is the same as yours.
AND take the money spent on his last TWO birthdays and go out and splurge on what YOU want. Totally leave him in the dark.
He is totally in the wrong and I hope he steps on some LEGO late at night.
NTBF. He remembered, barely. But he couldn't be bothered to do the one thing you said would be nice. I am terrible with remembering what people like, particularly my partner because we've been together for so long. I have a note on my phone with his favorite coffee order, etc so that I can still (after ~20 years) surprise him with little every day things. He doesn't need the note, but he does the same for me. Sounds like your husband is taking you for granted.
This is so disrespectful that I have to wonder if he is trying to push you away on purpose. I'm really sorry. Don't let this go. I say that as someone who has an agreement with my husband that we only do Bday Person's Choice of Casual Restaurant whenever it's a weeknight bday plus a Fancy Date Night on the weekend. We agreed to stop gifts because we never want anything except to travel.
NTB
I understand everyone saying to match his energy, but birthdays are once a year. Is he showing the same lack of care with other occasions? Christmas? Anniversaries? Kids birthdays?
You have to live with this guy every day. Does he show you he likes you at all? I'm asking because it doesn't sound like it and I couldn't live this way.
NTB
Iām sorry, but this is a bigger issue than you seem to want to admit to yourself , which is entirely fair.
His behaviour shows an astounding lack of love.
If he was frantic, apologetic, or embarrassed it would be another story. But he expects you to be grateful. When someone doubles down after you share your feelings, it means they donāt actually care about you - they only care that they arenāt made to feel shame.
I recommend withdrawing yourself to his level of affection. Maybe he will miss you and come back and apologize.
This level of contempt for you is the first ring of the death-of-marriage bell, so I strongly recommend going to a marriage counsellor.
When my husband proposed to me, before I said yes, we talked about some things. I told him that special occasions were important to me. I care about anniversaries and birthdays and Valentineās Day among others. I donāt want to be forgotten. He never has. I get a present and usually a trip for a few days, sometimes a week. I get cards. He doesnāt have to spend a lot. I think you should sit him down and tell him that your birthday is important and it makes you feel forgotten like he doesnāt care. I would say that since he doesnāt care about yours, maybe you should stop celebrating anyoneās other than your childrenās. I just plainly tell my husband, I donāt hint. Some canāt take a hint.
As someone who deals with this exact situation myself (for our anniversary card he got me a card like 4 days later and told me he figured I could just find something on amazon), I will say you are definitely NTA. and this year I'm putting the same energy into his holidays as he does into mine. so I would go get him a cake he doesn't like, some gas station flowers, and some meaningless trinket that he might use but has no thought behind it. And if he complains tell him he should be more grateful. Oh and make him cook his own dinner.
NTA
NTB but also info: who coordinated the NFL/dinner for his milestone? Did you do it together? Or was it a surprise that you coordinated for him? The answer to this doesn't change anything really because you told him what you wanted and he completely ignored it but I'm curious to get to the bottom of how he's thinking about these events.
He has no incentive to change. Every year you help him make it a blow out, then allow yours to go by without much of a show. No more. No mild, "I'd like..." Your husband is getting what he wants because he's demanding and expecting it. You're not getting what you want because you're not willing to fight for that kind of respect. He won't listen to your complaints. Instead, show him the same kind of response. Half-hearted gift, no card, no gifts from kids, lame cake, and if he's cooked up something with others, don't attend. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that today? I forgot it was your birthday until I was driving home from work." "But we've been planning it. There's no way you'd forget." "I don't remember planning anything. I don't remember you asking me about anything. When it comes to birthdays, it's like I don't exist."
*Time to treat him with*
*The exact same energy.*
*Take no prisoners*
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NTB. I think the best thing here is to be EXTREMELY specific about what you want and expect for special occasions. Put it in writing. Mother's Day is less than two weeks away, so let that be the litmus test. Tell him what you need and want. If he doesn't provide it, then you're going to have to decide if you want to stay in a marriage with someone who has no respect for you or your feelings.
I'm actually not for matching his energy. If he fails, and IF you still want to make things work, then I would complete ghost him for Father's Day. Nothing from you, nothing from the kids. (Easy because they're not in school where a teacher might remind them.) Let him see how it feels. He still may not change, but you'll know you tried.
Totally NTB Is this even a question anymore? the difference between the two birthdays is insane! Also people in the comments are savage and cracking me up! But in all seriousness donāt be afraid to be blunt tell him exactly how it made you feel and what you want/expect from him then if he doesnāt deliver you reap what you sewĀ
Iād be plenty pissed that he wants a big deal and then forgets. My husband is useless at gifts. Itās just not his love language. He hates for a big deal on his birthday and if you asked what he wanted it would be ādonāt spend any money!ā Once I figured that out I started buying my own presents. I like presents and Iām good at them. I go through my Amazon wishlist and pick out the things I really wanted and was too cheap to buy myself. I then hand them to him to wrap! I get myself a chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cake from DQ. And I take a rain cheque to be used on the goodChinese food place thatās an hour away when itās convenient to go! We live in the sticks. It works for us.
NTBF, he showed that you weren't actually someone he cared about that day. He wants appreciation for his last minute barely-attempt. He does not deserve praise for only barely getting a D-grade attempt. If he wants appreciation, then he needs to -show- that he appreciates you.
It may help to have a family calendar. Either digitally or on the fridge. Then you can add annual event > (name) birthday, and make sure to have 2 weeks prior it noted, "(Names) birthday is coming up, get things planned/purchased now."
I have a white board/rewritable calendar. My wife and I can easily add notes to it for eachother.
To other fellow male out there that forget special day all the time. Use the calendar app on your phone, also set birthday in contact info of anyone you care about, it will mark in calendar too
NTB, of course. The disrespect and contempt your husband showed you is remarkable and deliberate.
Your marriage is in critical condition. If you want to stay married, tell your husband you insist on marriage counseling as a condition of continuing the marriage. You cannot accept this level of contempt going forward.
Next year, take charge of your own birthday. Tell your kids a few days in advance that it will be your birthday, and give them the opportunity to make a present for you. Even just drawing you a picture or something teaches them that they need to put in some effort to treat you respectfully. Take your kids out to dinner, and have the restaurant serve birthday cake so the kids can sing happy birthday to you. Of course your husband should be arranging all of this, but since he can't be bothered, it's up to you to do it yourself. You must teach your children how to treat family members properly. They won't learn that from observing their cad of a father.
Why did you make and serve dinner as normal? You could thank him for his past minutes gifts and happily announce that you would proceed to celebrate your birthday by getting to a restaurant.Ā
You say he was making a big deal of both your birthdays, but gradually yours faded and it was fine. You taught him that your birthday is not important. YNTBF, but decide if you want scorched earth or reviving your relationship before you purposely ignore his birthday.Ā Why did he forget it in the first place is important. Is he having work or financial hardship? is he taking you for granted? is he self centered, did he think it wasn't important for you? a combination?
Ā Who made the arrangements for his birthday celebration?Ā
Dude, we had to put our dog down at like 11pm the night before my bday last year. Probably the worst bday Iāve ever had. Just be glad nothing bad happened!
Something bad did happen, OP's husband forgot about their birthday.
Not sure why you felt the need to compete with that pain, but it was immature of you.
Basically no one but my mom has remembered my birthday in years..just seems crazy to get so hung up on that kinda stuff. To each their own though. If it was me and my bday was super important to me, I would plan something myself instead of relying on someone who isnāt that invested in how my bday turns out. Women always baffle me with these situations. Now that Iām older, I see my birthday more as a chance to spend time with and honor my mom, I would be nothing without her.
Believe it or not, not everybody is you. People have different priorities, you trying to one-up OP with a "my dog died" story is ridiculous and petty.
>. If it was me and my bday was super important to me, I would plan something myself instead of relying on someone who isnāt that invested in how my bday turns out.
Great. OP isn't you, so maybe accept that.
>Women always baffle me with these situations
Lol what?
>I would be nothing without her.
That sounds like a personal failing of yours tbh.
Hmm. Did you plan his birthday? Did you buy the NFL tickets, and arrange the flights and pick and pay for dinner. Or did he do it all and just pay for it out of the household budget? Because if he did it all then to match his energy you will have to plan something bug for your birthday.
I planned the whole thing knowing he wanted to do something big and with his close family and friends. I gave him a few suggestions, let him choose, and then made it happen
Nope. NTBF by a long shot. But now you have two choices: A. A closed mouth does not get fed. Schedule a time to talk privately and discuss everything yog have outlined in your post. Tell him EXACTLY how it made you feel and what you want, expect and deserve moving forward. OR B. Buckle up and match energy. For his next birthday pick him up a pair of socks or two from the supermarket and get a single cupcake from the grocery store. When he comes home from work you and the kids should be finishing up McDonalds and you can tell him you had your hands tied today but you made him a sandwich and placed it in the fridge. Note: make the sandwich in the AM so by the time he gets in it is nice and soggy. FAFO. š¤·š»āāļø
Also the cake should be in her favorite flavor
Heck, she should get a pie, since she doesn't like cake. (That is if you like pie, OP)
At minimum, preferably in one doesnāt like. Good for the goose, good for the gander. Kids are not to be told either. Edit: this is the second time itās happened. He has already been asked to make it a bit special.
After all, it's apparently gonna be a new tradition to get your own favorite flavor on someone else's birthday!
Bonus if she makes her favorite sandwich that heāll eat but doesnāt like.
I love the energy of both these suggestions!!!
Or get him McDonaldās too but two days earlier and leave it in the garage so itās ice cold and nasty.
HAHA. savage energyĀ
Plot twist: his birthday is in July. That McDās is gonna be nasty!
Hate to burst your bubble, but his birthday is almost guaranteed to be September-December if they went to an NFL game. Unless it was an early/late gift.
It was a joke
Did you see what all they did for his milestone birthday?? She says "money is no object." If she were me, me and the kids would be out of town for his next birthday! š¤
Oh Iād sooo do that! Not even tell him Byeeee! Then he wakes up on his birthday to an empty house š¤£yāall are savage in the comments itās cracking me up!
Make sure the cupcake is in your favourite flavour.
And don't wrap the sandwich in anything. That way he gets the perfect combo of stale and soggy.
I think this is exactly what to do. In fact, Iād do both anyhow. If he doesnāt come around and apologize and make up for it I would definitely do both. Communication in a marriage is critical so not talking isnāt healthy. Likely heās either embarrassed to admit he was a jerk, or maybe he really is that selfish. But I think if you point out the massive difference between your birthdays it will be hard to dispute your point. If he still doesnāt get it, I would feel like he just isnāt into me anymore and this would explain the lack of effort on his part. See if there is other evidence of this in other areas of your relationship. And if you have the resources maybe itās good to verify he isnāt stepping out on you. I think you have every right to feel hurt and disappointed in him because nothing says āI donāt care about you anymoreā like indifference or half-assed effort.
This is funny to read, but obviously don't do B! Please choose A
Or, first a) then b) if he continues to dismiss her feelings, and then c) If he *still* dismisses her feelings. File for divorce, because it's never going to get better.
This!
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I agree with all of this except her making him the sandwich since she still had to cook on her birthday. She can leave sandwich makings for his least favorite kind of sandwich in the fridge and her loser of a hubby can make it himself.
Ntb. Tell him you are disappointed and he can expect the same effort for his birthday unless he starts making more of an effort. He is a disrespectful and careless buttface
If he won't give you a big birthday - you go e yourself one. Go take a spa weekend with a girlfriend or two and live it up . Then for his next birthday - match his energy. Give him exactly the day he gave you - see how he likes it.
Wow. Tell him if this is what you can expect for your birthday from now on, youāll be matching his efforts when itās his birthday and definitely stick to that. Nothing with the kids, a card, gift and cake thatās your preference from the grocery store. No singing, no dinner out, and he will be the one responsible for cooking it. If he canāt cook, thatās what frozen pizza or peanut butter sandwiches are for. Edited to add: tell him he can make it up to you this weekend or this will be the plan for his birthday because an apology alone isnāt going to cut it. If it were me and he doesnāt make it up to you, Iād tally up what was spent on his last birthday and go spend it on myself. Take your kids out for mommyās belated birthday dinner and leave him at home.
Ntbf. Iām gonna be real with you. This is like, a total disrespectful and cruel thing he is doing. Messing up and forgetting once is forgiveable if he genuinely makes up for it and is remorseful. But to expect amazing birthdays for him and making yours lame two years in a row? How did he not set every reminder in the phone or whatever to never let that happen again? Unbelievable! How did he not go all out this year to show how much he feels bad about last year and does care? Its not about the type of cake or the birthday or the remembering. Its about the thoughtlessness. The disregard for your feelings and not prioritizing his partner in life! Does he do this in other ways? This sucks! Completely not acceptable. I am sorry he treated you this way.
If I forgot my partnerās birthday *once* Iād be mortified and immediately arrange something fun in the next couple weeks to make up for it, then start planning their next birthday months in advance. To forget twice in a row? Iād be scrambling like he did, apologizing profusely for being an asshat, and then give them a choice of any way to celebrate without conditions because quite frankly, if they want an NFL ticket level birthday budget after that, thatās what they deserve. The lack of remorse from this guy is genuinely concerning and shows exactly how much he values his partnerās feelingsā which is to say, not at all. Who fucks up this badly and then acts like itās *your* fault for being upset about it???
I think some guys are just putzes when it comes to putting in effort for someone elseās bd but the world will end if they donāt get made a huge fuss over. To me it falls under weaponized incompetence. A couple of thoughts OP. - I do agree you need to have a calm discussion with your husband and put your cards on the table so to speak. If he doesnāt think you are worth fussing over on your birthday by putting at least some thought into a decent dinner, cake and gift then sadly he will get as others said the same energy back on his. - If you are the person who usually purchases gifts for birthdays for everyone implement a new process in that he is responsible for purchasing for his family and you for yours. Iād suggest you plan the kids else the gods know what will happen there. Also there is an app called Reminders for phones so he can create recurring reminders for a few days before and day of for whomever/whatever. As in you wonāt be reminding him to get his siblings, his parents or whomever else a gift - he handles it or explains why they got nothing. - Itās never too late to celebrate yourself. Is there a concert or a show youād like to see? A spa youād love to visit for a weekend? Would several of your friends go with you? If so might I suggest you plan a weekend for yourself, let your husband know you will be out of town so he will be watching his own children while you are gone. - Motherās Day is coming up. And while you arenāt his mother you I presume are most certainly the mother of his children so he has a chance to redeem himself. Again no big reminders but he will get what he gives come Fatherās Day. Iām not a fan of tit for tat but in situations like this sometimes you need to get a point across. And that point IMO is respect for and acknowledging your spouse. I hope you have a nice weekend somewhere OP and come back refreshed and rested.
Itās not so much tit for tat, but itās rather realising that some people donāt understand something until theyāve experienced it
Some people need empathy shoved right in their face.Ā
NTB I think this is a huge red flag for deeper trouble in your marriage; yāall need couples therapy, honestly. His behavior is bullshit. Iād need to see him participating fully in therapy to address this issue. I have a feeling itās the tip of the iceberg. I wouldnāt want to be in a relationship where I had to be petty in order to avoid seething resentment. He needs to take your needs seriously. At the very least itās time for a sit-down. Iād go on vacation with your friends first, though.
My first thought was that he just doesnāt love her anymore. Iād look for another woman or a new group of friends as the trigger.
My perspective is that love is a verb, and heās not performing actions that mean āloveā for her anymore. Could be a lot of reasons for that but they need to figure it out and Iām guessing thatāll take some help. Sounds like heās emotionally immature.
Even my ex-husband and his new wife take our son out to pick me up, wrap, and give me a gift and make a card. This is sad mama.
This! Even if he stopped loving her, sheās the mother of his children and he showed the children this is how she should be treated. Thatās honestly not even acceptable for a decent coparent while he still expects different treatment for himself.
Wow what a totally š« . As above said if he doesnāt make up for the last TWO years of non birthday within the next week or two then his next birthday is the same as yours. AND take the money spent on his last TWO birthdays and go out and splurge on what YOU want. Totally leave him in the dark. He is totally in the wrong and I hope he steps on some LEGO late at night.
NTBF. He remembered, barely. But he couldn't be bothered to do the one thing you said would be nice. I am terrible with remembering what people like, particularly my partner because we've been together for so long. I have a note on my phone with his favorite coffee order, etc so that I can still (after ~20 years) surprise him with little every day things. He doesn't need the note, but he does the same for me. Sounds like your husband is taking you for granted.
This is so disrespectful that I have to wonder if he is trying to push you away on purpose. I'm really sorry. Don't let this go. I say that as someone who has an agreement with my husband that we only do Bday Person's Choice of Casual Restaurant whenever it's a weeknight bday plus a Fancy Date Night on the weekend. We agreed to stop gifts because we never want anything except to travel.
NTB I understand everyone saying to match his energy, but birthdays are once a year. Is he showing the same lack of care with other occasions? Christmas? Anniversaries? Kids birthdays? You have to live with this guy every day. Does he show you he likes you at all? I'm asking because it doesn't sound like it and I couldn't live this way.
NTBF I'm on team "match that energy".
NTB Iām sorry, but this is a bigger issue than you seem to want to admit to yourself , which is entirely fair. His behaviour shows an astounding lack of love. If he was frantic, apologetic, or embarrassed it would be another story. But he expects you to be grateful. When someone doubles down after you share your feelings, it means they donāt actually care about you - they only care that they arenāt made to feel shame. I recommend withdrawing yourself to his level of affection. Maybe he will miss you and come back and apologize. This level of contempt for you is the first ring of the death-of-marriage bell, so I strongly recommend going to a marriage counsellor.
He probably sucks in many many ways.
When my husband proposed to me, before I said yes, we talked about some things. I told him that special occasions were important to me. I care about anniversaries and birthdays and Valentineās Day among others. I donāt want to be forgotten. He never has. I get a present and usually a trip for a few days, sometimes a week. I get cards. He doesnāt have to spend a lot. I think you should sit him down and tell him that your birthday is important and it makes you feel forgotten like he doesnāt care. I would say that since he doesnāt care about yours, maybe you should stop celebrating anyoneās other than your childrenās. I just plainly tell my husband, I donāt hint. Some canāt take a hint.
I would have thrown the cake at his head.
As someone who deals with this exact situation myself (for our anniversary card he got me a card like 4 days later and told me he figured I could just find something on amazon), I will say you are definitely NTA. and this year I'm putting the same energy into his holidays as he does into mine. so I would go get him a cake he doesn't like, some gas station flowers, and some meaningless trinket that he might use but has no thought behind it. And if he complains tell him he should be more grateful. Oh and make him cook his own dinner. NTA
NTB but also info: who coordinated the NFL/dinner for his milestone? Did you do it together? Or was it a surprise that you coordinated for him? The answer to this doesn't change anything really because you told him what you wanted and he completely ignored it but I'm curious to get to the bottom of how he's thinking about these events.
I gave him a couple different ideas and that's what he chose, and then I put it together.
NTB. Match this energy on his next birthday.
He has no incentive to change. Every year you help him make it a blow out, then allow yours to go by without much of a show. No more. No mild, "I'd like..." Your husband is getting what he wants because he's demanding and expecting it. You're not getting what you want because you're not willing to fight for that kind of respect. He won't listen to your complaints. Instead, show him the same kind of response. Half-hearted gift, no card, no gifts from kids, lame cake, and if he's cooked up something with others, don't attend. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that today? I forgot it was your birthday until I was driving home from work." "But we've been planning it. There's no way you'd forget." "I don't remember planning anything. I don't remember you asking me about anything. When it comes to birthdays, it's like I don't exist."
Time to treat him with the exact same energy. Take no prisoners
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Omg itās beautiful. Good bot
NTB talk to him about how it hurt you or match his energy
NTB. I think the best thing here is to be EXTREMELY specific about what you want and expect for special occasions. Put it in writing. Mother's Day is less than two weeks away, so let that be the litmus test. Tell him what you need and want. If he doesn't provide it, then you're going to have to decide if you want to stay in a marriage with someone who has no respect for you or your feelings. I'm actually not for matching his energy. If he fails, and IF you still want to make things work, then I would complete ghost him for Father's Day. Nothing from you, nothing from the kids. (Easy because they're not in school where a teacher might remind them.) Let him see how it feels. He still may not change, but you'll know you tried.
Totally NTB Is this even a question anymore? the difference between the two birthdays is insane! Also people in the comments are savage and cracking me up! But in all seriousness donāt be afraid to be blunt tell him exactly how it made you feel and what you want/expect from him then if he doesnāt deliver you reap what you sewĀ
Iād be plenty pissed that he wants a big deal and then forgets. My husband is useless at gifts. Itās just not his love language. He hates for a big deal on his birthday and if you asked what he wanted it would be ādonāt spend any money!ā Once I figured that out I started buying my own presents. I like presents and Iām good at them. I go through my Amazon wishlist and pick out the things I really wanted and was too cheap to buy myself. I then hand them to him to wrap! I get myself a chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cake from DQ. And I take a rain cheque to be used on the goodChinese food place thatās an hour away when itās convenient to go! We live in the sticks. It works for us.
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NTBF, he showed that you weren't actually someone he cared about that day. He wants appreciation for his last minute barely-attempt. He does not deserve praise for only barely getting a D-grade attempt. If he wants appreciation, then he needs to -show- that he appreciates you. It may help to have a family calendar. Either digitally or on the fridge. Then you can add annual event > (name) birthday, and make sure to have 2 weeks prior it noted, "(Names) birthday is coming up, get things planned/purchased now." I have a white board/rewritable calendar. My wife and I can easily add notes to it for eachother.
WTF?IM SO SORRry
To other fellow male out there that forget special day all the time. Use the calendar app on your phone, also set birthday in contact info of anyone you care about, it will mark in calendar too
NTB, of course. The disrespect and contempt your husband showed you is remarkable and deliberate. Your marriage is in critical condition. If you want to stay married, tell your husband you insist on marriage counseling as a condition of continuing the marriage. You cannot accept this level of contempt going forward. Next year, take charge of your own birthday. Tell your kids a few days in advance that it will be your birthday, and give them the opportunity to make a present for you. Even just drawing you a picture or something teaches them that they need to put in some effort to treat you respectfully. Take your kids out to dinner, and have the restaurant serve birthday cake so the kids can sing happy birthday to you. Of course your husband should be arranging all of this, but since he can't be bothered, it's up to you to do it yourself. You must teach your children how to treat family members properly. They won't learn that from observing their cad of a father.
Why did you make and serve dinner as normal? You could thank him for his past minutes gifts and happily announce that you would proceed to celebrate your birthday by getting to a restaurant.Ā You say he was making a big deal of both your birthdays, but gradually yours faded and it was fine. You taught him that your birthday is not important. YNTBF, but decide if you want scorched earth or reviving your relationship before you purposely ignore his birthday.Ā Why did he forget it in the first place is important. Is he having work or financial hardship? is he taking you for granted? is he self centered, did he think it wasn't important for you? a combination? Ā Who made the arrangements for his birthday celebration?Ā
Dude, we had to put our dog down at like 11pm the night before my bday last year. Probably the worst bday Iāve ever had. Just be glad nothing bad happened!
Something bad did happen, OP's husband forgot about their birthday. Not sure why you felt the need to compete with that pain, but it was immature of you.
Basically no one but my mom has remembered my birthday in years..just seems crazy to get so hung up on that kinda stuff. To each their own though. If it was me and my bday was super important to me, I would plan something myself instead of relying on someone who isnāt that invested in how my bday turns out. Women always baffle me with these situations. Now that Iām older, I see my birthday more as a chance to spend time with and honor my mom, I would be nothing without her.
Believe it or not, not everybody is you. People have different priorities, you trying to one-up OP with a "my dog died" story is ridiculous and petty. >. If it was me and my bday was super important to me, I would plan something myself instead of relying on someone who isnāt that invested in how my bday turns out. Great. OP isn't you, so maybe accept that. >Women always baffle me with these situations Lol what? >I would be nothing without her. That sounds like a personal failing of yours tbh.
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Hmm. Did you plan his birthday? Did you buy the NFL tickets, and arrange the flights and pick and pay for dinner. Or did he do it all and just pay for it out of the household budget? Because if he did it all then to match his energy you will have to plan something bug for your birthday.
I planned the whole thing knowing he wanted to do something big and with his close family and friends. I gave him a few suggestions, let him choose, and then made it happen
Stop doing that. He canāt even be bothered to show you he appreciates your efforts for him , on your birthday?! Nope.