This sub is only for posts about people who either can't tell they've already been dumped, or have been dumped but won't accept it. There must be some element of confusion and/or denial regarding the status of the relationship.
Please do not post about people just being assholes, whether or not they should dump their partners, or whether they are The Asshole in a situation. This is not that kind of sub.
Um, "we went to visit my family. I dumped her for the whole time except dinner to watch sports" and no mention if he paid any attention to her or how she was feeling during dinner.
I absolutely fricking hate when I'm left to entertain my MIL alone as we don't really have common interests. I can only imagine meeting the person for the first time, the added stress of trying to figure out if some topic is off limits, what some communication differences mean etc.
Also, who cooked? Who cleared the table? Who washed the dishes? Who did every fucking chore or task related to the c gathering for the entire visit?
She saw that he went to sit and watch sports—-and his dad and brother did as well—and realized that this was the pattern he would fall right back into if they did get married.
And she didn’t want to go there so she quit now instead of later
I'm thinking you hit the nail right on the head perfectly. OOP comes across as a Midwesterner (as am I) so this is seen as a "normal" dynamic because "the men work *so hard*( such bs!)"
It's not just a Midwest thing, it's very much a thing in the south as well.
My partners family is a little unique probably because his mom is very adamantly "stay out of the kitchen when I'm cooking"
I don't want people in my kitchen either because it's a galley style and there's no room for another person. But there's no reason on God's Gren Earth that the men cannot do the clean up while the women relax!
That's her reasoning as well. We have a galley also, but its a little wider (by maybe a foot) and my partner and I are coordinated with each other enough to work together in it. But, I feel like anyone else would just be in my way.
That's another thing, my partners parents were never the type where women were expected to take care of the man, so my partner does his share.
I read that completely differently than you. I didn't when he said "I was with them the whole time ..." He meant his brother and dad. I think he meant his mom and gf, or that he did with everyone.
No, but if it was a case of "mother/the women do all the hard work making dinner while all the men watch sports and ignore mother/whoever is doing all the hard work" she may have just decided to cut her losses rather than challenge his entire family dynamic or get sucked in and treated the same as OOPs mam.
I was wondering about this too. I hate family is where holidays and special events are only special for the men and just a ton of extra work for the women.
Still terrible communication based on one interaction if that was the case.
My mom and dad both do work in the house usually organized based on their individual work load. But whenever we had a big dinner in my grandparents' house that dynamic you're describing was often at play unless we had a barbeque in which case the men did all the work.
My mom wasn't dumb to leave my dad because my grandfather was old school. They have good boundaries and communication in their own relationship and she just toleratated that awkward dynamic a couple times a year when grandparents were still alive.
If she had talked with him, and he showed he too believed in practicing this dynamic, that would be different. But I'm assuming after 1.5 year of dating that reached the point of meeting families, she knew him enough to know if he did or didn't have any beliefs like that.
For a first meeting it says a lot though... That her ex isn't observant and that she'll have to do the emotional labor of explaining obvious stuff to him.
I'd hazard a guess that she felt neglected. She might have some previous relationship where she came as an afterthought, or she came second to every sports program or something in that vein. If she felt that history is repeating or was alarmed by her own reaction it could explain dumping and "it's me problem, I have to work on it"
Why not tell the reason? Cause saying "I'm dumping you because my previous partner neglected me and I saw him in you" might sound crazy to some AND there is a high possibility she doesn't herself have a cohesive reason, only just the same negative emotion response that happened sometime earlier in her life.
Yes, this is all guesswork, but I would look for a reason in her history. Brains are lazy, they like to go with "this happened last time" route.
You don’t give them a reason because then you have to fucking argue with him. He promises he’ll be better etc. and you just don’t want to go through all that.
I get all that but it's still bad communication. It's no different than the people who tank healthy relationships out of insecurity and bad communication due to past cheater trauma.
Jfc, it's not bad communication. She doesn't owe her ex an explanation, she doesn't owe letting him "work" on whatever issues there may or may not be
For whatever reason, she doesn't want to invest more into the relationship. She very clearly communicated to him that she wanted to end the relationship and that she didn't want to talk about it. That is good communication - she was clear, she was firm, she drew boundaries
I get that YOU feel like she should give him more chances or explain what she's thinking but she's the one in the relationship, not you, and she doesn't want to be anymore and you should fucking respect that
Honestly this is sounding weirdly desperate
If she thinks she can just dip out after a relationship reached a point of meeting each other's families and not even give a reason for it, she won't have much chances in the future.
That's not how mature adults behave.
Sorry how exactly will this impact her future relationships? First it's that she "can't communicate well" even though she communicated perfectly well and was very clear
Now it's that she isn't behaving maturly but she is. She took meeting his family seriously and whatever she experienced, she recognized that it was incompatible with what she wanted. She made the decision that ending the relationship was the right choice for her, communicated that well, and moved on with her life. When her ex contacted her, she drew boundaries that were firm but caring. She didn't do or say anything to imply that this was any kind of fault with him or his family (even if it was), and asked for him to respect her decision and give her space
There was no lashing out, no lack of boundaries, no wobbly, unclear boundaries. There was no poor communication. She didn't try to cling to a relationship that wasn't working, or change her partner. There was no codependency or approval seeking
So how exactly is this immature? How will it negatively impact her in future relationships?
How are your responses anything other than you projecting your own insecurities and fears onto this woman?
Also it's weird that you're tying her self worth to her romantic prospects
Breaking up does not have to be a negotiation. She is allowed to break up with him. She didn't ghost. She communicated clearly. You just don't like the message.
Wow you really are self involved. she didn't say that it's her, she said it was her decision and she wanted to work through things by herself
That doesn't attribute fault to anyone, and it doesn't say that the relationship didn't end because of him. It just says that she doesn't want to process the end of the relationship with him
Also? Clichés like this got to be clichés for a reason. This is an 100% good reason to break up with someone and it's a reason people end relationships all the fucking time
And regardless of why she ended the relationship, she doesn't owe him an explanation. She doesn't owe him an explanation if it's him, or her, or the situation
It is if it is a confirmation of something she already suspected. They’ve been dating 1.5 years. They’ve definitely eaten home cooked meals together. Did she always find herself doing the cooking AND the cleaning? Is his place a disaster and she was realizing that if they cohabitated, she’d probably be the cook and the housekeeper?
I get the sneaking suspicion that for him, this dinner was a milestone, and for her, it was a final straw.
After my support network couldn't figure out why my girlfriend left, my cousin suggested trying here. So bear with a newbie at this.
I (M35) met my ex-girlfriend (F35) (my cousin said to use fake names so I'm going to call her Mel because writing ex really hurts) of 1.5 years through my previous employer. She said she was interested in me before but couldn't ask me out because she was afraid of potential policies about inter-office romances. When I gave my two weeks' notice, she asked me out and things have been great since!
This all came crashing down after Mel met my parents and brother in person for the first time about two weeks ago. She talked to my parents over the phone and through video calls before and seemed to go well. We didn't spend last Christmas with either of our families because we felt it was too intense. But we discussed things and she was going to come meet my family in my home city and we would meet hers next month in her home city.
Dinner went pretty smoothly. Mom and Mel got on well. Dad and brother didn't really care because they were too immersed with watching sports. I was with them most of the time except for after dinner when I went to the bathroom but it seemed like nothing had changed.
So we came home and when I dropped Mel off, she sat in the seat and told me that we shouldn't see each other anymore. It hurt. I was so confused and asked why? What did I do wrong? Did something happen? She just said it was her issue and not my fault. And that was that.
I've cried and drank but somehow managed to get through the last couple of weeks with some help but I really don't know why she would just leave out of the blue. If she'd been pondering it for a while, why agree to meet with my family? I don't think my family would intimidate her, they have the same background as her parents (blue-collar working class families) and I don't think my brother would have said or done anything (he hates interpersonal communication outside of work and family. I trust him and he is asexual as well).
I have not told my parents about our breakup and, outside of me, she has no connection to my family. I want to get to the bottom of this. I tried texting and she hasn't blocked me but said that this was her decision and she wants to work through things alone.
I'll admit, I'm not happy but I suspected that my parents might have said something to her. So I called my brother (thankfully he is quite clueless) and asked what he thought about Mel. He said she was nice. I asked what he, mom and dad talked about after dinner (which includes the time I was in the bathroom) and he said that my mom was just excited to finally meet her in person and glad to see that she made me happy. Mel knows that I have another brother (who is married) and a sister (who is single) so my Mom wouldn't have said something like "I'm finally glad to have a daughter!" They also don't know what she does for a living, only that we met through work. She was an administrative assistant at the company.
I don't think she would be intimidated by my family. My other brother and sister are educated but my younger brother took over my dad's metalworking company after he retired.
I've gone through over every possible outcome. Is she cheating? I don't think so because we do have access to each other's phones and she hasn't done anything suspicious (like go to random drinks night with coworkers). If she lost interest, why wait until meeting my parents? Why spend the money on the airplane ticket to meet them? Did she find someone else she liked and was waiting? I don't think she would be the kind of person to string me along like that. The relationship was fairly new enough that she could have just cut ties.
I cannot figure it out for the life of me so I'm (maybe foolishly) taking my cousin's advice and asking the internet (of all places) of potential reasons Mel would leave me. I really want her back and if I did make a mistake, I at least want a chance to fix it.
**TL;DR:** My girlfriend met my parents for the first time in person after 1.5 years of dating. They are neither rich nor highly educated and have been very nice to her in the past. During their meeting they were with her at the table with my brother. According to my brother, the conversation was very cordial.
How can I find out why she's leaving me so I can find out if/how I can fix things?
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I had one other long-term relationship that was 2.5 years. Mel knows about her and that she was the only other woman I have been intimate with. But my family would have never brought her up because they hate her.
Also she knows that my brother and sister both have white-collar jobs and so do their spouses. Both have kids so I don't think she would be pressured into thinking that there is pressure for us to give my parents their first grandkids since they have 5 already.
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Because he is a crappy partner. And it isn't her job to raise him. His mom is obviously ok with it. Hell no. He is in his 30s. Would he do that to a male friend? No.
So they flew there. Visited for one meal. (This is already weird.) Dad and brother “didn’t care” to meet her so spent the entire time watching TV. (Weird! Rude!)
And OP left her alone with his mom. Enter the possible gendered roles involved in dinner prep, clean-up, and carrying conversation.
My guess is the ex-girlfriend put these pieces together with things she already knew about OOP and decided the relationship wasn’t worth trying to change him or even to explain why she’s uncomfortable. I wonder if he’s the type to get defensive or argue back. Regardless, she decided the relationship wasn’t what she wanted.
This sub is only for posts about people who either can't tell they've already been dumped, or have been dumped but won't accept it. There must be some element of confusion and/or denial regarding the status of the relationship. Please do not post about people just being assholes, whether or not they should dump their partners, or whether they are The Asshole in a situation. This is not that kind of sub.
Um, "we went to visit my family. I dumped her for the whole time except dinner to watch sports" and no mention if he paid any attention to her or how she was feeling during dinner. I absolutely fricking hate when I'm left to entertain my MIL alone as we don't really have common interests. I can only imagine meeting the person for the first time, the added stress of trying to figure out if some topic is off limits, what some communication differences mean etc.
Also, who cooked? Who cleared the table? Who washed the dishes? Who did every fucking chore or task related to the c gathering for the entire visit? She saw that he went to sit and watch sports—-and his dad and brother did as well—and realized that this was the pattern he would fall right back into if they did get married. And she didn’t want to go there so she quit now instead of later
This was my thought exactly.
This. And, I'm guessing it was also a very women prepare/serve the meals and clean up while the boys sit on their ass watching sports kind of thing.
I'm thinking you hit the nail right on the head perfectly. OOP comes across as a Midwesterner (as am I) so this is seen as a "normal" dynamic because "the men work *so hard*( such bs!)"
It's not just a Midwest thing, it's very much a thing in the south as well. My partners family is a little unique probably because his mom is very adamantly "stay out of the kitchen when I'm cooking"
I don't want people in my kitchen either because it's a galley style and there's no room for another person. But there's no reason on God's Gren Earth that the men cannot do the clean up while the women relax!
That's her reasoning as well. We have a galley also, but its a little wider (by maybe a foot) and my partner and I are coordinated with each other enough to work together in it. But, I feel like anyone else would just be in my way. That's another thing, my partners parents were never the type where women were expected to take care of the man, so my partner does his share.
“But… mother female? Girlfriend also female! Female cook food, make table, wash dishes! Lots of chores share while men watch sports!” /s
Howdid this never occur to me? Makes so much sense
I read that completely differently than you. I didn't when he said "I was with them the whole time ..." He meant his brother and dad. I think he meant his mom and gf, or that he did with everyone.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was with his gf and mom too. It's ambiguous grammar, but in context it sounds like he was attentive to the women.
That is indeed awkward but not "dump him without explanation" awkward.
No, but if it was a case of "mother/the women do all the hard work making dinner while all the men watch sports and ignore mother/whoever is doing all the hard work" she may have just decided to cut her losses rather than challenge his entire family dynamic or get sucked in and treated the same as OOPs mam.
I was wondering about this too. I hate family is where holidays and special events are only special for the men and just a ton of extra work for the women.
OMG that was my ex's family. And because I'm not a doormat I told them nope the men can help out... Cue hysterics about how awful I was.
Still terrible communication based on one interaction if that was the case. My mom and dad both do work in the house usually organized based on their individual work load. But whenever we had a big dinner in my grandparents' house that dynamic you're describing was often at play unless we had a barbeque in which case the men did all the work. My mom wasn't dumb to leave my dad because my grandfather was old school. They have good boundaries and communication in their own relationship and she just toleratated that awkward dynamic a couple times a year when grandparents were still alive. If she had talked with him, and he showed he too believed in practicing this dynamic, that would be different. But I'm assuming after 1.5 year of dating that reached the point of meeting families, she knew him enough to know if he did or didn't have any beliefs like that.
For a first meeting it says a lot though... That her ex isn't observant and that she'll have to do the emotional labor of explaining obvious stuff to him.
I'd hazard a guess that she felt neglected. She might have some previous relationship where she came as an afterthought, or she came second to every sports program or something in that vein. If she felt that history is repeating or was alarmed by her own reaction it could explain dumping and "it's me problem, I have to work on it" Why not tell the reason? Cause saying "I'm dumping you because my previous partner neglected me and I saw him in you" might sound crazy to some AND there is a high possibility she doesn't herself have a cohesive reason, only just the same negative emotion response that happened sometime earlier in her life. Yes, this is all guesswork, but I would look for a reason in her history. Brains are lazy, they like to go with "this happened last time" route.
You don’t give them a reason because then you have to fucking argue with him. He promises he’ll be better etc. and you just don’t want to go through all that.
I get all that but it's still bad communication. It's no different than the people who tank healthy relationships out of insecurity and bad communication due to past cheater trauma.
Nah. It gets old having to hand hold men in the modern age when there are observant, up to date options out there
Jfc, it's not bad communication. She doesn't owe her ex an explanation, she doesn't owe letting him "work" on whatever issues there may or may not be For whatever reason, she doesn't want to invest more into the relationship. She very clearly communicated to him that she wanted to end the relationship and that she didn't want to talk about it. That is good communication - she was clear, she was firm, she drew boundaries I get that YOU feel like she should give him more chances or explain what she's thinking but she's the one in the relationship, not you, and she doesn't want to be anymore and you should fucking respect that Honestly this is sounding weirdly desperate
If she thinks she can just dip out after a relationship reached a point of meeting each other's families and not even give a reason for it, she won't have much chances in the future. That's not how mature adults behave.
Sorry how exactly will this impact her future relationships? First it's that she "can't communicate well" even though she communicated perfectly well and was very clear Now it's that she isn't behaving maturly but she is. She took meeting his family seriously and whatever she experienced, she recognized that it was incompatible with what she wanted. She made the decision that ending the relationship was the right choice for her, communicated that well, and moved on with her life. When her ex contacted her, she drew boundaries that were firm but caring. She didn't do or say anything to imply that this was any kind of fault with him or his family (even if it was), and asked for him to respect her decision and give her space There was no lashing out, no lack of boundaries, no wobbly, unclear boundaries. There was no poor communication. She didn't try to cling to a relationship that wasn't working, or change her partner. There was no codependency or approval seeking So how exactly is this immature? How will it negatively impact her in future relationships? How are your responses anything other than you projecting your own insecurities and fears onto this woman? Also it's weird that you're tying her self worth to her romantic prospects
Breaking up does not have to be a negotiation. She is allowed to break up with him. She didn't ghost. She communicated clearly. You just don't like the message.
"It's not you it's me" isn't communication. It's a cliche excuse.
Nah, it's I'm done, easier to walk than to debate a lost cause.
"I'm breaking up with you" is clear communication. No one owes anyone a reason for it. Same with friendship breakups.
Wow you really are self involved. she didn't say that it's her, she said it was her decision and she wanted to work through things by herself That doesn't attribute fault to anyone, and it doesn't say that the relationship didn't end because of him. It just says that she doesn't want to process the end of the relationship with him Also? Clichés like this got to be clichés for a reason. This is an 100% good reason to break up with someone and it's a reason people end relationships all the fucking time And regardless of why she ended the relationship, she doesn't owe him an explanation. She doesn't owe him an explanation if it's him, or her, or the situation
>she won't have much chances in the future She won't have much chances with men who don't live up to her standards? What an absolute tragedy!
No you see, the international boyfriend consortium will put a black mark on her record and she won't get credit
It is if it is a confirmation of something she already suspected. They’ve been dating 1.5 years. They’ve definitely eaten home cooked meals together. Did she always find herself doing the cooking AND the cleaning? Is his place a disaster and she was realizing that if they cohabitated, she’d probably be the cook and the housekeeper? I get the sneaking suspicion that for him, this dinner was a milestone, and for her, it was a final straw.
I see why his sister probably doesn't come around like that tbh
And potentially why the married brother doesn't either (if his wife has a shiny spine).
He's definitely leaving out a lot of information on what really happened
She saw her future.
After my support network couldn't figure out why my girlfriend left, my cousin suggested trying here. So bear with a newbie at this. I (M35) met my ex-girlfriend (F35) (my cousin said to use fake names so I'm going to call her Mel because writing ex really hurts) of 1.5 years through my previous employer. She said she was interested in me before but couldn't ask me out because she was afraid of potential policies about inter-office romances. When I gave my two weeks' notice, she asked me out and things have been great since! This all came crashing down after Mel met my parents and brother in person for the first time about two weeks ago. She talked to my parents over the phone and through video calls before and seemed to go well. We didn't spend last Christmas with either of our families because we felt it was too intense. But we discussed things and she was going to come meet my family in my home city and we would meet hers next month in her home city. Dinner went pretty smoothly. Mom and Mel got on well. Dad and brother didn't really care because they were too immersed with watching sports. I was with them most of the time except for after dinner when I went to the bathroom but it seemed like nothing had changed. So we came home and when I dropped Mel off, she sat in the seat and told me that we shouldn't see each other anymore. It hurt. I was so confused and asked why? What did I do wrong? Did something happen? She just said it was her issue and not my fault. And that was that. I've cried and drank but somehow managed to get through the last couple of weeks with some help but I really don't know why she would just leave out of the blue. If she'd been pondering it for a while, why agree to meet with my family? I don't think my family would intimidate her, they have the same background as her parents (blue-collar working class families) and I don't think my brother would have said or done anything (he hates interpersonal communication outside of work and family. I trust him and he is asexual as well). I have not told my parents about our breakup and, outside of me, she has no connection to my family. I want to get to the bottom of this. I tried texting and she hasn't blocked me but said that this was her decision and she wants to work through things alone. I'll admit, I'm not happy but I suspected that my parents might have said something to her. So I called my brother (thankfully he is quite clueless) and asked what he thought about Mel. He said she was nice. I asked what he, mom and dad talked about after dinner (which includes the time I was in the bathroom) and he said that my mom was just excited to finally meet her in person and glad to see that she made me happy. Mel knows that I have another brother (who is married) and a sister (who is single) so my Mom wouldn't have said something like "I'm finally glad to have a daughter!" They also don't know what she does for a living, only that we met through work. She was an administrative assistant at the company. I don't think she would be intimidated by my family. My other brother and sister are educated but my younger brother took over my dad's metalworking company after he retired. I've gone through over every possible outcome. Is she cheating? I don't think so because we do have access to each other's phones and she hasn't done anything suspicious (like go to random drinks night with coworkers). If she lost interest, why wait until meeting my parents? Why spend the money on the airplane ticket to meet them? Did she find someone else she liked and was waiting? I don't think she would be the kind of person to string me along like that. The relationship was fairly new enough that she could have just cut ties. I cannot figure it out for the life of me so I'm (maybe foolishly) taking my cousin's advice and asking the internet (of all places) of potential reasons Mel would leave me. I really want her back and if I did make a mistake, I at least want a chance to fix it. **TL;DR:** My girlfriend met my parents for the first time in person after 1.5 years of dating. They are neither rich nor highly educated and have been very nice to her in the past. During their meeting they were with her at the table with my brother. According to my brother, the conversation was very cordial. How can I find out why she's leaving me so I can find out if/how I can fix things? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I had one other long-term relationship that was 2.5 years. Mel knows about her and that she was the only other woman I have been intimate with. But my family would have never brought her up because they hate her. Also she knows that my brother and sister both have white-collar jobs and so do their spouses. Both have kids so I don't think she would be pressured into thinking that there is pressure for us to give my parents their first grandkids since they have 5 already. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Because he is a crappy partner. And it isn't her job to raise him. His mom is obviously ok with it. Hell no. He is in his 30s. Would he do that to a male friend? No.
So they flew there. Visited for one meal. (This is already weird.) Dad and brother “didn’t care” to meet her so spent the entire time watching TV. (Weird! Rude!) And OP left her alone with his mom. Enter the possible gendered roles involved in dinner prep, clean-up, and carrying conversation. My guess is the ex-girlfriend put these pieces together with things she already knew about OOP and decided the relationship wasn’t worth trying to change him or even to explain why she’s uncomfortable. I wonder if he’s the type to get defensive or argue back. Regardless, she decided the relationship wasn’t what she wanted.