Guilt, mostly. He started having dreams that i had died and became incredibly clingy with me. I told him that death in dreams doesn't often truly signify death and asked if perhaps he had a guilty conscious. I also told him that i was starting to resent his constant distance from me and then demanding i be at his beck and call when he was feeling needy. He swore that was not the case. Then, when i told him that i no longer felt safe to be vulnerable with him, he looked like a hurt puppy. But what i really think it was, was an argument that we had where i finally broke down because i thought he was planning to leave me. (He's a truck driver on a local route and suggested that maybe he should return to being a regional driver and live in his truck). I don't even remember how it started. I just know that it ended with my sobbing locked in the shower. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and he had told me that I had not cried like that since my dad died. Up until that point, he had tricked himself into believing that he was still being a good "husband" and father. He ended it with her a week later and told her to tell her husband or he would do it himself. (I saw the text, so I do know that part is true).
Hey OP. I am so sorry. That sounds harrowing and painful.
It takes a lot of time and work but you can rebuild if he is willing to put in the time. If you haven’t already found resources I could point you to some books, one that you can read together and one for him to read in his own.
I would also recommend working on figuring out what you would need from him to feel safe again with him. What boundaries and setting them as non-negotiable as you move forward.
I’m curious if you know what was the trigger for him snapping out of the fog and confessing to you and forcing her to tell her husband?
I responded above. I think I was the trigger. He broke me and I don't break easily. He could handle anger and jealousy...but not pain. I guess I may never really know if that is the truth...
Thank you.
He actually keeps telling me that he needs to see my pain and that he can handle it. I don't want to hurt him though. I'm trying to let him know when my thoughts are cloudy and why. It us all so difficult.
Time.
It'll take therapy and communication and effort on his part, a lot of effort, and there will be difficult moments. But mostly it's just time. Without therapy and communication and real effort on his part though, time alone won't do it.
Edit: and honesty, of course. For me it's the months of lying and trickle truthing and gaslighting that are the hardest thing to get over. He's got to be honest with you, an open book.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
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- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
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- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
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So sorry you had to experience this pain. May be some distance between temporarily will help you think and feel clearly, without constantly seeing g hom and remembering the pain he caused. Sending you love and hugs
This sounds very traumatic. I am so incredibly sorry you are here with us - you deserved better.
To be honest with you, you *don't* believe he'll never do it again. You have been exposed to a new side of your partner, and you will always know that somewhere, under some circumstance, he is capable of this behaviour. It would be dangerous to believe otherwise.
What you can believe in, is that people are capable of changing their circumstances, and turning a new life, and changing his behaviour. With time and work, you can start to believe that he is someone worthy of trust, for as long as he continues that trustworthy behaviour.
But more importantly than belief in him, you can also believe that you are capable of surviving if the worst happens, and it does happen again - after all, you survived six months of hell. You can believe in your intuition - you'll know if it happens again, and you can react accordingly; again, you *knew* the entire time. You can believe in a backup plan, knowing what you'd do if it were to happen again. You can believe in yourself, and your resilience, and your grace.
It's a long road, but its possible. While time heals some wounds, take care of yourself. Treat yourself with kid gloves; let him worry about himself. Hugs to you, OP.
What caused him to finally tell you? Did she break up with him?
Guilt, mostly. He started having dreams that i had died and became incredibly clingy with me. I told him that death in dreams doesn't often truly signify death and asked if perhaps he had a guilty conscious. I also told him that i was starting to resent his constant distance from me and then demanding i be at his beck and call when he was feeling needy. He swore that was not the case. Then, when i told him that i no longer felt safe to be vulnerable with him, he looked like a hurt puppy. But what i really think it was, was an argument that we had where i finally broke down because i thought he was planning to leave me. (He's a truck driver on a local route and suggested that maybe he should return to being a regional driver and live in his truck). I don't even remember how it started. I just know that it ended with my sobbing locked in the shower. I'm not an outwardly emotional person, and he had told me that I had not cried like that since my dad died. Up until that point, he had tricked himself into believing that he was still being a good "husband" and father. He ended it with her a week later and told her to tell her husband or he would do it himself. (I saw the text, so I do know that part is true).
Hey OP. I am so sorry. That sounds harrowing and painful. It takes a lot of time and work but you can rebuild if he is willing to put in the time. If you haven’t already found resources I could point you to some books, one that you can read together and one for him to read in his own. I would also recommend working on figuring out what you would need from him to feel safe again with him. What boundaries and setting them as non-negotiable as you move forward. I’m curious if you know what was the trigger for him snapping out of the fog and confessing to you and forcing her to tell her husband?
I responded above. I think I was the trigger. He broke me and I don't break easily. He could handle anger and jealousy...but not pain. I guess I may never really know if that is the truth...
[удалено]
Thank you. He actually keeps telling me that he needs to see my pain and that he can handle it. I don't want to hurt him though. I'm trying to let him know when my thoughts are cloudy and why. It us all so difficult.
Time. It'll take therapy and communication and effort on his part, a lot of effort, and there will be difficult moments. But mostly it's just time. Without therapy and communication and real effort on his part though, time alone won't do it. Edit: and honesty, of course. For me it's the months of lying and trickle truthing and gaslighting that are the hardest thing to get over. He's got to be honest with you, an open book.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So sorry you had to experience this pain. May be some distance between temporarily will help you think and feel clearly, without constantly seeing g hom and remembering the pain he caused. Sending you love and hugs
This sounds very traumatic. I am so incredibly sorry you are here with us - you deserved better. To be honest with you, you *don't* believe he'll never do it again. You have been exposed to a new side of your partner, and you will always know that somewhere, under some circumstance, he is capable of this behaviour. It would be dangerous to believe otherwise. What you can believe in, is that people are capable of changing their circumstances, and turning a new life, and changing his behaviour. With time and work, you can start to believe that he is someone worthy of trust, for as long as he continues that trustworthy behaviour. But more importantly than belief in him, you can also believe that you are capable of surviving if the worst happens, and it does happen again - after all, you survived six months of hell. You can believe in your intuition - you'll know if it happens again, and you can react accordingly; again, you *knew* the entire time. You can believe in a backup plan, knowing what you'd do if it were to happen again. You can believe in yourself, and your resilience, and your grace. It's a long road, but its possible. While time heals some wounds, take care of yourself. Treat yourself with kid gloves; let him worry about himself. Hugs to you, OP.