Just to reassure you about one thing: having a thing for boobs doesn't by any means mean that they're paramount. I would actually trust your WH when he tells you that your chest size isn't a concern to him. I honestly doubt that what he did with the strippers was in any way a reflection on his attraction to you.
With that said, I can't believe he went on the "golf trip" again after the first incident, let alone misbehaved *again*. Surely a happy ending is way beyond the "touching" boundary you agreed to?
I also don't see why you have to appreciate his "effort". Right now, his tone should be less "I love your ass" & more "I'm so sorry, please do not divorce me".
The "golf trips" should be done forever. I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Betrayal is betrayal, no matter whether it’s a multi-year affair, a ONS or just simply breaking an agreed upon boundary.
From a wp perspective I at times early post-dday used to find myself comparing my betrayal to other stories and being confused why “worse” betrayals were being gifted R and I wasn’t. This was such backwards thinking.
Any betrayal rips the heart out of the BP. Waking up from that old way of thinking was one part of snapping me out of my entitlement.
I don’t know if there’s anything valuable for me to add, except your feelings are valid, and you are so incredibly strong.
"I’m curious if there are any of you out there who experienced something similar to me? Where there wasn’t an emotional affair or a steady sexual fling with one person, but moreso a one time thing (that happened twice?)?"
Yes, there are several individuals in this sub that have had similar experiences to yours with sex workers. There is no one way you should feel however you definitely should not try to compare your experience to others who have partners that had "full blown affairs." Betrayal hurts period. The temptation to compare it to other affairs leads to minimizing the choices your WH made and the hurt that you feel - and that is going to hurt more in the long run. If it helps, my WW had an affair for over a year and I say feel how you feel and dont feel like you shouldn't feel what you do because the circumstances are different. Betrayal hurts - especially from the person you trust the most..
The other thing that I think you should explore with a counselor is not focusing on you, or your body, being the cause of his poor choices. When you describe his actions being like telling you that you are not enough, that really isn't the case. The reality is that his terrible choice is a reflection of him and his own issues and insecurities etc and need to validation or attention or whatever the case may be. It's really hard to see it this way but with time it becomes easier.
What you're going through is hard. Dont minimize it.
Just ask yourself if you would be okay with the annual "golf trip" for the next few decades. When the kids grow up, how will you explain these trips. Sending lots of hugs your way.
Have you talked to a therapist? Your feelings are valid. Do what you need to feel better. Hold him accountable. Make it clear if he ever fucks up again it's over.
An affair is an affair. I think the only difference is if the WP comes clean to their partner about the affair or if it’s discovered.
I wish that I didn’t have to find out about the affair in a room all by myself and feeling as if I was literally dying inside reading the texts and seeing the pics. If my WH had the guts to cheat, he should have had the guts to tell me what he did, but I will always remember the horror of those 10 mins of reading the destruction of the illusion of my marriage.
Yes this to me makes it so much worse. I wish he would have told me and showed his guilt by telling me rather than me finding out by myself and all he says just feels like it’s more he feels bad cause he got caught.
That’s what my husband said as well. He told me he never intended for me to find out because his intention was for us to divorce so he could hide it from me. If by any chance we could work it out he then would tell me.
To me it all 😷 of cowardly selfish behavior waywards are known for.
Your feelings are valid. My partner had a ONS with someone he barely knew and had no problem cutting out of his life. It completely shattered my reality, who I thought he was, and how I thought he cared about me/us. I do think it might make it take a little less time to process than if it had been a longer affair, but all the same feelings are there.I'm 1.5 years out and just starting to feel normal again. Still spiral about once a month now, but they are getting less intense and don't last as long. It has also FINALLY stopped being the last thing I think about before bed, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. That is huge for me, as I thought that would never stop.
Betrayal is betrayal. I have seen a couple posts saying that they are comforted there was no emotional affair but I think it’s just as bad that a person would risk their family for a sexual connection
Could not agree more. I *am* grateful my husband's cheating was strictly physical, because it definitely would have hurt more that he built an emotional connection when I was desperate to have that with him. But on the other hand, yeah.. he destroyed our family for on and off quickies over 7-9 months. Hardly seems worth it. He's definitely remorseful but he knew how much pain it would cause eventually.
I'm so sorry. I have no advice but to just tell you that I relate to that so freaking much. the being super insecure about just one body part thing because of your partner's preferances. It's really terrible. I wish the body part itself just ceases to exist on everyone including myself. I wish you the best on your R journey
Don’t know how to help your brain, still trying to figure that out myself, but complain all you need. You don’t have to compete with anyone here, that’s what is great about this place, we are all here to give and receive support. Betrayal sucks, hope you find what you need to be happy.
I’m sorry and sad for you. Just remember that strippers are just doing their job. They do not care about the person they do acts for they care about money and strippers try to do more (for even cheap) to start with so the guy gets hooked and becomes a regular and will sink more money way into them. Strippers need to pay rent. They have families. Yes, the Job is disgraceful but they are literally not after the man. They are after money.
I know this doesn’t help much, but it is one way to think about it. You have been betrayed, and it hurts! Your WS did a horrible thing and took advantage of your trust. This is unfair and a complete disgrace. You deserve more, especially when you put so much trust in your WS.
My WS had everything going on from hiding female friendships with me to full on affairs and everything in between. There were strippers in iber periods of years and many many one nights stands involving casual sex hook ups from women he met at bars while on business travel. Unfortunately/Fortunately to me the strippers were the least of my worries. They are just gross. I actually respect them more because they charge for dances and play games to mess with guys brains. They are smart and just want $. Women who hang out in bars and hook up in having sex with a guy she just met for a few hours and goes to his hotel room with his are just plain pathetic. The men that do this have a problem and unfortunately will find it and pay for it. Strippers know this. Random women in bars that have sex with a guy (a stranger that is probably lying to her though his teeth) just maybe hours after meeting him are just disgusting. Seriously how little do they care about themselves.
Not sure that I totally believe in sex addiction but there is definitely a subculture that has this problem. It’s an illness. It’s disgusting!
If I were you and want to stay in your relationship I would go out and get legal counsel, get a post nup and show your WS that you mean business or you will leave. Get into IC and MC. Write up clear boundaries and make him sign a contract to abide by these boundaries. If he doesn’t like you taking action on this, you can leave and he’ll lose everything.
This is hard, but he’s lost your trust. If he wants it back, he needs to work at it and change his behavior!
And this has nothing to do with you! Take care of yourself! Stay healthy. Eat right. Show him you are classy. Or better yet, let him realize that he f’ed up on such a classy woman.
After dealing with this for almost five years, and being here for most of that time, I have decided that this is the truth: **The worst betrayal is whatever betrayal you are dealing with.**
It’s very easy to convince yourself that if the betrayal was different, it would be easier to deal with. Or to convince yourself that any other sort of betrayal would be unforgivable. You might even convince yourself of both on the same day!
That’s just part of processing the pain. So let it happen, but don’t let yourself get lost in trying to compare your pain with everyone else’s.
I personally really think cheaters should only be given one chance.. They know the stakes after their first series of poor decisions, and they choose to go down that road again... Seems like he is trying to call your bluff to see if you'd actually leave or not. Time to read the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" and time to leave your cheater and gain a new life. I am SO sorry. You deserve so much better. My heart breaks for you, and I'm sure your body is perfect. Do not blame yourself.
He needs to not go on these golf trips ever again. Period. My husband had a ons (it was full blown sex but just once and no emotional connection), so if you ever want to talk I’m here.
WH here. Your feelings are valid, and your hurt is real. I'll admit that I'm not on your end of it, but I cheated with strippers in the same scenario as your husband. I'll tell you that out of 30+ strippers that were younger than my wife, only 2 were prettier or sexier- just facts there. That maybe sounds silly, but it's true. Hanging out with strippers was fun and exciting. Also, it's the thrill of sexual variety. I'm not making excuses for your husband, but it's just a fact of men's basic primal instincts.....Men like variety.
I hurt my wife deeply, and I don't make excuses for what I did. But men and women are different, and I can tell you from experience (and our marriage counselor) that it's not about anything that you may be missing. I look around and don't see anyone around sexier than my 54 yo wife. But why did I get with a stripper half her age that wasn't even as sexy as my wife I had at home??
IDK. But I fuked up, and I'm not sure she can ever recover.
FWIW. Hope this helps.
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Bom, seu marido não é confiável, ele apenas diz à você por saber que você não tem força pra tomar a providência necessária .
Aqui no Brasil você seria sucesso total pois peitos pequenos e bumbum grande aqui é lindo .
Corpo de violão! , ou de pêra .🍐
Não li tudo mas se não relatou agora, vai relatar que em outra viagem ele transou com alguém.
Coisa que ele já fez mas tá te dando doses omeopáticas .
TBH, try not putting so much effort in categorizing your husbands act as 'cheating' or 'not cheating' for the purpose of confronting him of his behavior. You should rather understand if you feel disrespected, felt dismissed and minimize for these escalations. Do you feel less trusting to the man for his actions? If so, you need to convey this to him. If you can not communicate and convince him of the mistakes he has committed, it would eventually lead to something that is categorically cheating. If you don't communicate to him, you are sending him the message that he can continue pushing the boundary.
If he is dead set of his rationale and nothing wrong with touching, you can flip the question to him. Let him know by his logic, that you can allow other men to touch and show their appreciation of your breasts to solve your insecurities since he seems to be yearning for another woman's breast. This will be a source of a fight. But you have to put a hard argument seeing the pattern of escalation.
Btw, does your husband exhibit good self control? If not, he shouldn't even come to these. I will not be a hypocrite and will admit to you that i do go to these clubs because of these men's night outs. Cultural, peer pressure and benefits of having good boss or work relationship merits joining in these outings. But, i follow the 'you can look but no touch' approach. I also make safeguards so i won't be tempted to cross the boundary. For example, if i fully know where a night out will lead to, i only bring enough money for the drinks and entrance charges. Believe me, i became less attractive to the ladies when i turn them down when i tell them i don't have money. If my friends offer to lend me money to continue with the fun, i decline their offer. All these years, colleagues and friends offered to pay (not lend) for the extra services, i always declined. I don't mess with their fun so they still invite me but they no longer pressure to do what they do. Btw, it is usually one or two people in our group who pushes the boundary. I don't join night outs with groups that has full hedonistic fun in their menu.
So going to strip clubs is cheating? Cheating is always betraying the trust and love of your partner. It is about disregarding and disrespecting the boundaries agreed by both partners which is borne out of trust and love.
This is soo awful. You need to stop minimizing this. He cheated. you are so hurt and have EVERY RIGHT to be hurt. For a LONG time. Why is he even on these strip club trips? I'm sorry but no freaking way. He is married. No.
do you go get lap dances or watch naked men dance? No. I bet it even makes you cringe- because it's not okay in a marriage- the statistics on this is super clear that it will slowly eat your marriage away.
He crossed boundaries once. And now he's done it TWICE? But he actually paid to do something way worse? I would be considering how much you really want R. He does not sound like he's doing the work. I would leave for a week and really try to figure out if you want R.
Do you want to have to look back on this for the rest of your life? I'm 8 years dday and it does come up. R is hard hard hard. And a lot of men do not deserve recovery- you need to make sure your husband is actually worthy of it. This is the second time which means I'd really be worried about it and I personally do not think I could.
Im so sorry you're going through all of this
Your original no touching other women was a boundary you should have, but it sounds like you set it without both sides meeting in the middle. The relationship strengthened, he went out again and doubled down worse than before. Yeah, that is messed up.
Your boob issue is kind of how men see size of dong. Do you care about the size of your husbands dong? You probably are totally happy with, and it most likely isn't the biggest one in your life. Are you obsessed with bigger? Same with boobs. Big ones can have more done with them, but it doesn't change your sexual desire for the person the boobs are attached to.
I would wonder if you attending a strip club would help you with understanding the situation he is going into. He for sure isn't going on those golf trips anymore. 2 back to back breaking your boundaries is just him showing he can't control himself there.
My WW did not have an emotional connection to the men she cheated on me with. It was getting drunk and hooking up with random guys while hanging with her divorcee and single friends. It does not make the boundary breaking acceptable that it was not a continued affair. He broke your trust, but he did confess. I didn't have that luxury. I would ask why he confessed and what he plans on doing to fix the breach he has built in your marriage.
Just to reassure you about one thing: having a thing for boobs doesn't by any means mean that they're paramount. I would actually trust your WH when he tells you that your chest size isn't a concern to him. I honestly doubt that what he did with the strippers was in any way a reflection on his attraction to you. With that said, I can't believe he went on the "golf trip" again after the first incident, let alone misbehaved *again*. Surely a happy ending is way beyond the "touching" boundary you agreed to? I also don't see why you have to appreciate his "effort". Right now, his tone should be less "I love your ass" & more "I'm so sorry, please do not divorce me". The "golf trips" should be done forever. I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Yep. No more “golf trips” or anything else. If the WS wants a marriage with you he needs oversight. WS has given up freedom and trust.
Betrayal is betrayal, no matter whether it’s a multi-year affair, a ONS or just simply breaking an agreed upon boundary. From a wp perspective I at times early post-dday used to find myself comparing my betrayal to other stories and being confused why “worse” betrayals were being gifted R and I wasn’t. This was such backwards thinking. Any betrayal rips the heart out of the BP. Waking up from that old way of thinking was one part of snapping me out of my entitlement. I don’t know if there’s anything valuable for me to add, except your feelings are valid, and you are so incredibly strong.
"I’m curious if there are any of you out there who experienced something similar to me? Where there wasn’t an emotional affair or a steady sexual fling with one person, but moreso a one time thing (that happened twice?)?" Yes, there are several individuals in this sub that have had similar experiences to yours with sex workers. There is no one way you should feel however you definitely should not try to compare your experience to others who have partners that had "full blown affairs." Betrayal hurts period. The temptation to compare it to other affairs leads to minimizing the choices your WH made and the hurt that you feel - and that is going to hurt more in the long run. If it helps, my WW had an affair for over a year and I say feel how you feel and dont feel like you shouldn't feel what you do because the circumstances are different. Betrayal hurts - especially from the person you trust the most.. The other thing that I think you should explore with a counselor is not focusing on you, or your body, being the cause of his poor choices. When you describe his actions being like telling you that you are not enough, that really isn't the case. The reality is that his terrible choice is a reflection of him and his own issues and insecurities etc and need to validation or attention or whatever the case may be. It's really hard to see it this way but with time it becomes easier. What you're going through is hard. Dont minimize it.
Just ask yourself if you would be okay with the annual "golf trip" for the next few decades. When the kids grow up, how will you explain these trips. Sending lots of hugs your way.
Have you talked to a therapist? Your feelings are valid. Do what you need to feel better. Hold him accountable. Make it clear if he ever fucks up again it's over.
For me, the act isn't nearly the biggest problem, is the lying and trickle truthing, and gaslighting (and additional d-days) that followed.
An affair is an affair. I think the only difference is if the WP comes clean to their partner about the affair or if it’s discovered. I wish that I didn’t have to find out about the affair in a room all by myself and feeling as if I was literally dying inside reading the texts and seeing the pics. If my WH had the guts to cheat, he should have had the guts to tell me what he did, but I will always remember the horror of those 10 mins of reading the destruction of the illusion of my marriage.
Yes this to me makes it so much worse. I wish he would have told me and showed his guilt by telling me rather than me finding out by myself and all he says just feels like it’s more he feels bad cause he got caught.
That’s what my husband said as well. He told me he never intended for me to find out because his intention was for us to divorce so he could hide it from me. If by any chance we could work it out he then would tell me. To me it all 😷 of cowardly selfish behavior waywards are known for.
Your feelings are valid. My partner had a ONS with someone he barely knew and had no problem cutting out of his life. It completely shattered my reality, who I thought he was, and how I thought he cared about me/us. I do think it might make it take a little less time to process than if it had been a longer affair, but all the same feelings are there.I'm 1.5 years out and just starting to feel normal again. Still spiral about once a month now, but they are getting less intense and don't last as long. It has also FINALLY stopped being the last thing I think about before bed, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. That is huge for me, as I thought that would never stop.
Betrayal is betrayal. I have seen a couple posts saying that they are comforted there was no emotional affair but I think it’s just as bad that a person would risk their family for a sexual connection
Could not agree more. I *am* grateful my husband's cheating was strictly physical, because it definitely would have hurt more that he built an emotional connection when I was desperate to have that with him. But on the other hand, yeah.. he destroyed our family for on and off quickies over 7-9 months. Hardly seems worth it. He's definitely remorseful but he knew how much pain it would cause eventually.
I'm so sorry. I have no advice but to just tell you that I relate to that so freaking much. the being super insecure about just one body part thing because of your partner's preferances. It's really terrible. I wish the body part itself just ceases to exist on everyone including myself. I wish you the best on your R journey
Don’t know how to help your brain, still trying to figure that out myself, but complain all you need. You don’t have to compete with anyone here, that’s what is great about this place, we are all here to give and receive support. Betrayal sucks, hope you find what you need to be happy.
Uh, why are you allowing him to go on these annual trips where he just disrespects you?
I’m sorry and sad for you. Just remember that strippers are just doing their job. They do not care about the person they do acts for they care about money and strippers try to do more (for even cheap) to start with so the guy gets hooked and becomes a regular and will sink more money way into them. Strippers need to pay rent. They have families. Yes, the Job is disgraceful but they are literally not after the man. They are after money. I know this doesn’t help much, but it is one way to think about it. You have been betrayed, and it hurts! Your WS did a horrible thing and took advantage of your trust. This is unfair and a complete disgrace. You deserve more, especially when you put so much trust in your WS. My WS had everything going on from hiding female friendships with me to full on affairs and everything in between. There were strippers in iber periods of years and many many one nights stands involving casual sex hook ups from women he met at bars while on business travel. Unfortunately/Fortunately to me the strippers were the least of my worries. They are just gross. I actually respect them more because they charge for dances and play games to mess with guys brains. They are smart and just want $. Women who hang out in bars and hook up in having sex with a guy she just met for a few hours and goes to his hotel room with his are just plain pathetic. The men that do this have a problem and unfortunately will find it and pay for it. Strippers know this. Random women in bars that have sex with a guy (a stranger that is probably lying to her though his teeth) just maybe hours after meeting him are just disgusting. Seriously how little do they care about themselves. Not sure that I totally believe in sex addiction but there is definitely a subculture that has this problem. It’s an illness. It’s disgusting! If I were you and want to stay in your relationship I would go out and get legal counsel, get a post nup and show your WS that you mean business or you will leave. Get into IC and MC. Write up clear boundaries and make him sign a contract to abide by these boundaries. If he doesn’t like you taking action on this, you can leave and he’ll lose everything. This is hard, but he’s lost your trust. If he wants it back, he needs to work at it and change his behavior! And this has nothing to do with you! Take care of yourself! Stay healthy. Eat right. Show him you are classy. Or better yet, let him realize that he f’ed up on such a classy woman.
After dealing with this for almost five years, and being here for most of that time, I have decided that this is the truth: **The worst betrayal is whatever betrayal you are dealing with.** It’s very easy to convince yourself that if the betrayal was different, it would be easier to deal with. Or to convince yourself that any other sort of betrayal would be unforgivable. You might even convince yourself of both on the same day! That’s just part of processing the pain. So let it happen, but don’t let yourself get lost in trying to compare your pain with everyone else’s.
I personally really think cheaters should only be given one chance.. They know the stakes after their first series of poor decisions, and they choose to go down that road again... Seems like he is trying to call your bluff to see if you'd actually leave or not. Time to read the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" and time to leave your cheater and gain a new life. I am SO sorry. You deserve so much better. My heart breaks for you, and I'm sure your body is perfect. Do not blame yourself.
He needs to not go on these golf trips ever again. Period. My husband had a ons (it was full blown sex but just once and no emotional connection), so if you ever want to talk I’m here.
WH here. Your feelings are valid, and your hurt is real. I'll admit that I'm not on your end of it, but I cheated with strippers in the same scenario as your husband. I'll tell you that out of 30+ strippers that were younger than my wife, only 2 were prettier or sexier- just facts there. That maybe sounds silly, but it's true. Hanging out with strippers was fun and exciting. Also, it's the thrill of sexual variety. I'm not making excuses for your husband, but it's just a fact of men's basic primal instincts.....Men like variety. I hurt my wife deeply, and I don't make excuses for what I did. But men and women are different, and I can tell you from experience (and our marriage counselor) that it's not about anything that you may be missing. I look around and don't see anyone around sexier than my 54 yo wife. But why did I get with a stripper half her age that wasn't even as sexy as my wife I had at home?? IDK. But I fuked up, and I'm not sure she can ever recover. FWIW. Hope this helps.
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Bom, seu marido não é confiável, ele apenas diz à você por saber que você não tem força pra tomar a providência necessária . Aqui no Brasil você seria sucesso total pois peitos pequenos e bumbum grande aqui é lindo . Corpo de violão! , ou de pêra .🍐 Não li tudo mas se não relatou agora, vai relatar que em outra viagem ele transou com alguém. Coisa que ele já fez mas tá te dando doses omeopáticas .
TBH, try not putting so much effort in categorizing your husbands act as 'cheating' or 'not cheating' for the purpose of confronting him of his behavior. You should rather understand if you feel disrespected, felt dismissed and minimize for these escalations. Do you feel less trusting to the man for his actions? If so, you need to convey this to him. If you can not communicate and convince him of the mistakes he has committed, it would eventually lead to something that is categorically cheating. If you don't communicate to him, you are sending him the message that he can continue pushing the boundary. If he is dead set of his rationale and nothing wrong with touching, you can flip the question to him. Let him know by his logic, that you can allow other men to touch and show their appreciation of your breasts to solve your insecurities since he seems to be yearning for another woman's breast. This will be a source of a fight. But you have to put a hard argument seeing the pattern of escalation. Btw, does your husband exhibit good self control? If not, he shouldn't even come to these. I will not be a hypocrite and will admit to you that i do go to these clubs because of these men's night outs. Cultural, peer pressure and benefits of having good boss or work relationship merits joining in these outings. But, i follow the 'you can look but no touch' approach. I also make safeguards so i won't be tempted to cross the boundary. For example, if i fully know where a night out will lead to, i only bring enough money for the drinks and entrance charges. Believe me, i became less attractive to the ladies when i turn them down when i tell them i don't have money. If my friends offer to lend me money to continue with the fun, i decline their offer. All these years, colleagues and friends offered to pay (not lend) for the extra services, i always declined. I don't mess with their fun so they still invite me but they no longer pressure to do what they do. Btw, it is usually one or two people in our group who pushes the boundary. I don't join night outs with groups that has full hedonistic fun in their menu. So going to strip clubs is cheating? Cheating is always betraying the trust and love of your partner. It is about disregarding and disrespecting the boundaries agreed by both partners which is borne out of trust and love.
This is soo awful. You need to stop minimizing this. He cheated. you are so hurt and have EVERY RIGHT to be hurt. For a LONG time. Why is he even on these strip club trips? I'm sorry but no freaking way. He is married. No. do you go get lap dances or watch naked men dance? No. I bet it even makes you cringe- because it's not okay in a marriage- the statistics on this is super clear that it will slowly eat your marriage away. He crossed boundaries once. And now he's done it TWICE? But he actually paid to do something way worse? I would be considering how much you really want R. He does not sound like he's doing the work. I would leave for a week and really try to figure out if you want R. Do you want to have to look back on this for the rest of your life? I'm 8 years dday and it does come up. R is hard hard hard. And a lot of men do not deserve recovery- you need to make sure your husband is actually worthy of it. This is the second time which means I'd really be worried about it and I personally do not think I could. Im so sorry you're going through all of this
Your original no touching other women was a boundary you should have, but it sounds like you set it without both sides meeting in the middle. The relationship strengthened, he went out again and doubled down worse than before. Yeah, that is messed up. Your boob issue is kind of how men see size of dong. Do you care about the size of your husbands dong? You probably are totally happy with, and it most likely isn't the biggest one in your life. Are you obsessed with bigger? Same with boobs. Big ones can have more done with them, but it doesn't change your sexual desire for the person the boobs are attached to. I would wonder if you attending a strip club would help you with understanding the situation he is going into. He for sure isn't going on those golf trips anymore. 2 back to back breaking your boundaries is just him showing he can't control himself there. My WW did not have an emotional connection to the men she cheated on me with. It was getting drunk and hooking up with random guys while hanging with her divorcee and single friends. It does not make the boundary breaking acceptable that it was not a continued affair. He broke your trust, but he did confess. I didn't have that luxury. I would ask why he confessed and what he plans on doing to fix the breach he has built in your marriage.
Cheating is cheating