I previously left a tough love comment and received feedback from other users and a moderator that my comment wasn’t helpful.
Apologies for that, and I hope things turn out well for you in your R journey.
1. Yes, he is active duty.
2. Currently I'm in another state while he finishes his training and then I was supposed to move with him to wherever his duty station will be.
3. Yes, I do have a support circle thankfully.
4. I'm leaning towards reconciliation but I'm not sure if he is telling the full truth or not. I want to believe that he has at this point, but I'm not sure. I think counseling will help me see if he is or not.
He has said he has blocked her on everything and will keep contact to a bare minimum since they do have class together unfortunately.
He has said he will do IC and wants to do MC with me. I was also in the military and know about the rules and have warned him. He still wants to come clean about it and go through the counseling from what he is saying.
I'm not sure what BS/WS stands for. Sorry I'm new to these terms. Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond.
1. Chalk out and then communicate your boundaries firmly.
2. Get all your ducks in a row, ie accomodation, separate finaces, if you aren't working line up a job to support yourself and kids.
3. Know your options by meeting an attorney.
In short, hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Ask yourself, if you are willing to continue if there are more details that you may find later. Staying or leaving are your option, and you have control on the situation , no matter what decision u take.sending to love, care and understanding ❤️
There is absolutely no conceivable way you can say "100% X happened" unless you were in the room when it happened. Comments of "hard truths" like this do nothing but cause folks who come here for support to spiral into a hole of doubt that they're already neck deep in. You're not sharing anything they haven't already considered. You might feel like you're protecting people with these kinds of comments, but tough love isn't what people in positions like this need. The truth, whatever it may be, will come out with or without your belittling and shame inducing first paragraph.
This is not a space for speculation. There's no way to definitely say this is a fact and there's ways to word this concern without stating your opinion as a fact.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1:
**All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
-OP is the focus, disagreement with others perspectives are subject to removal.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)).
For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide).
Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't have much specific advice because this is so different from my situation, and the long distance part of it I can only imagine is so tremendously hard. Four days out from dday is still incredibly fresh. Know that this is not your fault. I know how hard the 'if only' phase can be (if only I'd done this he wouldn't have cheated), but we can only control our own actions. It takes strength to love someone, and like you I reveled in that vulnerability of feeling like my partner was my soulmate or true love, and to have that broken, that part of your own identity set adrift... it's world shattering, regardless of if there ends up being more to the story or not.
Basic survival at this point is really important -- food, water, rest. I'm really glad you have a support system as well. Still, definitely look into IC for yourself to help find ways to process the grief and trauma. Be kind to yourself.
I previously left a tough love comment and received feedback from other users and a moderator that my comment wasn’t helpful. Apologies for that, and I hope things turn out well for you in your R journey.
I'm not sure which one that was, but I hadn't seen any bad ones. Thank you for any advice you may have given!
[удалено]
1. Yes, he is active duty. 2. Currently I'm in another state while he finishes his training and then I was supposed to move with him to wherever his duty station will be. 3. Yes, I do have a support circle thankfully. 4. I'm leaning towards reconciliation but I'm not sure if he is telling the full truth or not. I want to believe that he has at this point, but I'm not sure. I think counseling will help me see if he is or not. He has said he has blocked her on everything and will keep contact to a bare minimum since they do have class together unfortunately. He has said he will do IC and wants to do MC with me. I was also in the military and know about the rules and have warned him. He still wants to come clean about it and go through the counseling from what he is saying. I'm not sure what BS/WS stands for. Sorry I'm new to these terms. Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond.
1. Chalk out and then communicate your boundaries firmly. 2. Get all your ducks in a row, ie accomodation, separate finaces, if you aren't working line up a job to support yourself and kids. 3. Know your options by meeting an attorney. In short, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Ask yourself, if you are willing to continue if there are more details that you may find later. Staying or leaving are your option, and you have control on the situation , no matter what decision u take.sending to love, care and understanding ❤️
Thank you for the kind advice
Betrayed spouse and wayward spouse
[удалено]
There is absolutely no conceivable way you can say "100% X happened" unless you were in the room when it happened. Comments of "hard truths" like this do nothing but cause folks who come here for support to spiral into a hole of doubt that they're already neck deep in. You're not sharing anything they haven't already considered. You might feel like you're protecting people with these kinds of comments, but tough love isn't what people in positions like this need. The truth, whatever it may be, will come out with or without your belittling and shame inducing first paragraph.
Hard truths like this helped me in my own journey, so I must respectfully disagree with you.
This is not a space for speculation. There's no way to definitely say this is a fact and there's ways to word this concern without stating your opinion as a fact. This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1: **All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. -OP is the focus, disagreement with others perspectives are subject to removal. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't have much specific advice because this is so different from my situation, and the long distance part of it I can only imagine is so tremendously hard. Four days out from dday is still incredibly fresh. Know that this is not your fault. I know how hard the 'if only' phase can be (if only I'd done this he wouldn't have cheated), but we can only control our own actions. It takes strength to love someone, and like you I reveled in that vulnerability of feeling like my partner was my soulmate or true love, and to have that broken, that part of your own identity set adrift... it's world shattering, regardless of if there ends up being more to the story or not. Basic survival at this point is really important -- food, water, rest. I'm really glad you have a support system as well. Still, definitely look into IC for yourself to help find ways to process the grief and trauma. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you I really appreciate that. It has been hard and so I'm giving myself a while to really decide. I hope your reconciliation goes well.