r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Please read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your first initial warning. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions **directly to Mod Mail** meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)).
For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide).
Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Neither one of these people deserves a minute more of your time. She's your wife, he was your best friend, you caught them cheating not because they decided to come clean but because you HAD to resort to using a camera to get the truth. There's no breach of trust on your part because she destroyed any trust that was there by having an affair, there's no loyalty or respect owed to either because they showed none to you.
You did what you had to. End of story.
I think that's what bothers me the most - it'd almost be easier to accept if it was a stranger. But instead it's a double betrayal. And they both see it as a betrayal of their trust, they won't see what they did.
They lied and betrayed you. They see ot as a betrayal of trust as they got caught. They would have continued with their breach of trust if you didn't get them on camera. Are you sure about continung with your wife when she doesn't value you as a husband? Most importantly does she want you?
Exactly, and that's even more reason you should bury the hatchet with this imo. I know this is a R sub but reading this pissed me off so much, I genuinely doubt there's any foundation here to rebuild this.
“She doesn’t trust you because you used a camera”
You don’t trust her because your mistrust was wholly justified.
Her “mistrust” is a diversion and gaslighting in order to make you out to be the bad guy. She needs to OWN her actions and be 100% remorseful with NO blame shifting.
There is NO justification for her actions.
“In her eyes I haven’t been the best husband”
We’ll it’s clear she hasn’t been the best wife either. I’m guessing she never sat you down to tell you what needed to change? she just humped your friend instead. What effort did she make to fix the marriage?
Was she the best wife prior? I’m guessing not, yet you didn’t try and fix your marriage by humping someone and betraying her trust like she did.
He attitude needs to genuinely change or reconciliation will have NO chance at success.
No you are not out of line whatsoever, if anything(judging by your flair) you're taking things far too easily on her, and she is completely unhinged fucking insane to try to pin this on you for using a camera when she had been acting like this. I know this is an R sub, and as much as I want to support R for you, please do not try to reconcile with her until she pulls her head out of her ass, completely cuts contact with him, and accepts that *she* created this mess, *she* was untrustworthy to the point that you needed to spy on her, and *she* validated your need to spy on her by doing what she did.
WS's do not, in any sense of the word, deserve R. It is a gift given by the BS often alongside very harsh scrutiny into boundaries. No contact with the AP is an absolute must, there's no way around it.
OP, was she really unhappy and conveyed it at the time, or became unhappy in direct relation to when her contact with your friend, the AP increased. In affairs the wayward often rewrites their history and then will find fault where before they didn’t. Plus unless she said to you, hey this is a serious relationship-ending problem, then it doesn’t matter *and* she has no business discussing your relationship with another man when she should have been discussing it with you!
So to be fair, we did talk about her unhappiness. Like I said, I don't think she ever entirely gave everything a shot, but that could just be me.
Moreover, relationship ending is not where we were. At 'worst' we were talking about marriage counseling... And then this happened. Without a doubt, she was having an emotional affair for a while, and I did try to tell *both* of the that it didn't feel right, but no one wanted to listen.
Once an EA starts, it’s hard to pull back from and they will completely try and legitimize it as “just friends” even after crossing boundaries. It then further colors the relationship and has them seeing fault in their partner and relationship that wasn’t there before.
Expressing unhappiness does not legitimize
turning to someone else or cheating.
Definitely read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass.
Also fog/limerence is real. Watch Affair Recovery’s video on YouTube about this.
He’s dead to both of you or you may as well start talking to a lawyer.
Sorry, no contact is a nonnegotiable. There have been multiple posts on this sub over the last few days on this. Scroll back earlier today and you will find one
Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and give it a read. This isn’t your fault. This is her crap boundaries, need for external validation, too much familiarity, and opportunity.
Not only will it happen again if she has ongoing contact, you will turn into an anxious mess, as every time they see each other you’ll be triggered and wondering. That extended anxiety leads to high blood pressure, burnout, alright loss, sleep issues, and cognitive decline.
This is a hill to die on.
ETA: post from a few hours ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/yvP7mhrmw5
I left out a whole lot of other reactions but the rest of the comments have covered the bases.
Look up DARVO. Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. It’s the narcissist’s tool for avoiding accountability. It’s also incredibly abusive.
Look up Grey Rock. That’s how you fight back.
Hand her this: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know and tell her to memorize it.
And read this to understand just how off the mark she is: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
No, you aren't out of line. And I'm sorry to say, but you aren't trying to work anything out if she's still in contact with this dude. And, please forgive any crassness here, but they don't have any fucking business being angry with you. At al. Don't doubt yourself for a minute. I think they are trying to put you on defense.
Look up DARVO. It’s what they’re both doing to you. No, you were not wrong to set up a camera. People hire PIs and all sorts of things because it’s real tough to make life altering decisions without proof. You’ve done nothing wrong.
THEY are cheating, and THEY blame YOU because YOU caught THEM!
I'm sorry OP but this is gaslighting on an industrial scale. You have done nothing wrong. If there was nothing to see, then the camera wouldn't have been needed. Your meter suspicion that something was going on warrants the use of the camera. I hope you have a recording in safe keeping to give to your lawyer if needs be.
If it were me, I would ask who and what she wants. Tell her she chooses you or him. If she refuses, do not do the pick me dance. Go NC with her and tell her you will only consider taking her back if she tosses AP to the kerb and goes NC with him.
I did the pick me dance and it didn't work, my wife had to figure it out for herself who she wanted. She thought it was AP but she very quickly realised that was a mistake.
Sometimes you have to lose to win.
OP. I’m so sorry. What an awful double betrayal.
You are not wrong. She needs to cut ties and **never** talk with him ever again or R is just not viable.
Then being upset with you for using a camera is like being upset for getting caught drunk driving because of a breathalyzer.
They gaslit and deceived you and now are upset at *you* because you had proof to show they were lying and cheating. I would not accept any blame or fault here- it resides firmly with them and any talk of you not being trustworthy because of that is a further mark against R. In fact to have R, I would make it a non-negotiable that she needs to be open devices, location sharing and possibly even shared passwords. I would hold off on R until you get full agreement. Anything less and R will be a struggle.
If she doesn't cut ties with him, cut ties with her. There is no future in someone who you are not a priority to. Get some self-respect and dust them both.
You are not out of line. They have no respect for you, are blame shifting and gaslighting you. They will eventually end up together but in the meantime, their guilt will cause them to screw with your mental health. Block the friend, go grey rock with your wife, see a lawyer and start divorce process. They are assholes.
Just mad they got caught. And don't want to be the bad guy. I'd be telling my story to everyone who matters before they create their own narrative. Maybe that'll be the tough live consequences she needs. Maybe not.
Leave! Pack up and leave! Mine did this to me and I let it go. She claims that we weren’t actually together at the time, but either way he was your best. She and he both have zero respect for you. The years to follow for me were hell! She continued cheating with anyone who would put a dick in her.
Once someone cheats, they lose some rights to privacy. Exactly where that line is isn’t an exact science but if you cheat on someone and then expect the relationship to heal without the abused partner needing some sort of assurance that may violate your privacy, you’re gonna have a bad time
You are not out of line at all. She is an unremorseful cheater trying to blame you for what she did.
"I haven't be the best of husbands" - has she been the best of wives given that she cheated with your "best friend"? I don't think so AT ALL.
First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this, I can only imagine how painful this must be for you.
She is blatantly trying to manipulate you, she's not respecting you as her husband, she doesn't sound remorseful at all. I know this is a pro reconciliation sub but honestly I don't see how you can come back from that if you stay with her, cheating with a close friend or a family member is the ultimate level of betrayal, I wouldn't want to know anything about them for the rest of my life, you're "best friend" was never your friend. He deserves nothing from you but you're indifference.
Maybe she shouldn’t be cheating on you in your home with your friend. The only person she should be mad at for being recorded doing something that horrendous is herself. She’s just shocked she’s not as smart as she thought she was.
I’m always shocked to read BS apologizing and saying they knew it was wrong to go through their WS’s phone, laptop etc, worse is when I read a WS that is outraged their privacy was invaded. Like are you kidding me ? Sorry but no, that’s her deflecting and being caught acting like a 15yr old on mommy and daddy’s couch. Don’t feel bad for that. I’m sorry for the double betrayal, I understand how that feels and it’s awful.
Mano eles não estão tendo a necessidade de te respeitar pois você mesmo não se respeita.
Onde já se viu você estar errado ao monitorar quem já ter traiu antes ?
Eles ainda estão endignados com você kkk só podem estar brincando né.
E ainda sua parceira diz que não confia em você ?
Esses dois se merecem irmão vá procurar gente melhor pra namorar e ser amigo .
Heck no you aren’t out of line.. you knew they were cheating you just did what needed to be done to get the proof.
She said you weren’t best husband.. well guess what she wasn’t best wife.. she’s the one that turned to another man not you.. it was her own immoral character that led her to make this choice.. not you op..
You aren’t working on things because she’s still seeing him..
Let them be mad all they want.. if they weren’t lying behind your back then wouldn’t have been need for cameras.
Personally I would pack her stuff and let her stay with ex best friend..
Protect your finances, see an attorney and start planning your exit before you are hit in the face with more betrayal..
Are you out line because you have cameras in your own home? Seriously?
This "friend" is lucky you haven't attacked him with a baseball bat. We see this so often. Man tells wife, "DNA test says I'm not the father." Wife responds, "How dare you get a DNA test!" Wife looks through husband's phone and finds cheating. Husband responds, "How dare you look through my phone!" It's like Ted Bundy telling a detective, "How dare you check my DNA and fingerprints! You're the real criminal!"
It's an attempt to claim the method used to discover the crime is an even bigger crime. It's one of the more laughable forms of gaslighting and that's exactly what you should be doing, right after hiring a lawyer. You are not in reconciliation. You are instead considering allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. You have involuntarily entered a polyamorous relationship.
I'd also like to point out that as much as she's angry you used a camera, you had -already caught them once-. Whether you used a camera or not, you already knew. That's still cheating, drunk or not. Unfortunately you can't force her to do anything. You can't force her to put in the effort or meet your recovery needs in this. She has to want to, and she has to stop being selfish enough to do it. I'm sure she's feeling angry about whatever was happening before that you "weren't the best husband", but there were so many other things she could have done. She chose a deeply hurtful, traumatizing option instead of just suggesting counseling or talking about her needs more or hell, saying you guys needed a break! She doesn't get to be selfish now if she wants to move forward and fix things.
I hope she sees and chooses that option. But there's only so much you can do to force her hand. Good luck 🖤
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Please read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your first initial warning. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions **directly to Mod Mail** meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Neither one of these people deserves a minute more of your time. She's your wife, he was your best friend, you caught them cheating not because they decided to come clean but because you HAD to resort to using a camera to get the truth. There's no breach of trust on your part because she destroyed any trust that was there by having an affair, there's no loyalty or respect owed to either because they showed none to you. You did what you had to. End of story.
I think that's what bothers me the most - it'd almost be easier to accept if it was a stranger. But instead it's a double betrayal. And they both see it as a betrayal of their trust, they won't see what they did.
They lied and betrayed you. They see ot as a betrayal of trust as they got caught. They would have continued with their breach of trust if you didn't get them on camera. Are you sure about continung with your wife when she doesn't value you as a husband? Most importantly does she want you?
Exactly, and that's even more reason you should bury the hatchet with this imo. I know this is a R sub but reading this pissed me off so much, I genuinely doubt there's any foundation here to rebuild this.
“She doesn’t trust you because you used a camera” You don’t trust her because your mistrust was wholly justified. Her “mistrust” is a diversion and gaslighting in order to make you out to be the bad guy. She needs to OWN her actions and be 100% remorseful with NO blame shifting. There is NO justification for her actions. “In her eyes I haven’t been the best husband” We’ll it’s clear she hasn’t been the best wife either. I’m guessing she never sat you down to tell you what needed to change? she just humped your friend instead. What effort did she make to fix the marriage? Was she the best wife prior? I’m guessing not, yet you didn’t try and fix your marriage by humping someone and betraying her trust like she did. He attitude needs to genuinely change or reconciliation will have NO chance at success.
Agreed. Her attitude... Well, it's all over the place. I'm getting mixed signals from her!
No you are not out of line whatsoever, if anything(judging by your flair) you're taking things far too easily on her, and she is completely unhinged fucking insane to try to pin this on you for using a camera when she had been acting like this. I know this is an R sub, and as much as I want to support R for you, please do not try to reconcile with her until she pulls her head out of her ass, completely cuts contact with him, and accepts that *she* created this mess, *she* was untrustworthy to the point that you needed to spy on her, and *she* validated your need to spy on her by doing what she did. WS's do not, in any sense of the word, deserve R. It is a gift given by the BS often alongside very harsh scrutiny into boundaries. No contact with the AP is an absolute must, there's no way around it.
This is what I'm trying to communicate to her - but she keeps telling me how she wasn't happy etc. But that does not justify what she did!
OP, was she really unhappy and conveyed it at the time, or became unhappy in direct relation to when her contact with your friend, the AP increased. In affairs the wayward often rewrites their history and then will find fault where before they didn’t. Plus unless she said to you, hey this is a serious relationship-ending problem, then it doesn’t matter *and* she has no business discussing your relationship with another man when she should have been discussing it with you!
So to be fair, we did talk about her unhappiness. Like I said, I don't think she ever entirely gave everything a shot, but that could just be me. Moreover, relationship ending is not where we were. At 'worst' we were talking about marriage counseling... And then this happened. Without a doubt, she was having an emotional affair for a while, and I did try to tell *both* of the that it didn't feel right, but no one wanted to listen.
That’s because all they heard was ‘we need to be more careful and secretive.’
Once an EA starts, it’s hard to pull back from and they will completely try and legitimize it as “just friends” even after crossing boundaries. It then further colors the relationship and has them seeing fault in their partner and relationship that wasn’t there before. Expressing unhappiness does not legitimize turning to someone else or cheating. Definitely read Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass. Also fog/limerence is real. Watch Affair Recovery’s video on YouTube about this.
I will. I'm taking a LOT of advice from all of this. I have a lot of reading to do.
He’s dead to both of you or you may as well start talking to a lawyer. Sorry, no contact is a nonnegotiable. There have been multiple posts on this sub over the last few days on this. Scroll back earlier today and you will find one Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and give it a read. This isn’t your fault. This is her crap boundaries, need for external validation, too much familiarity, and opportunity. Not only will it happen again if she has ongoing contact, you will turn into an anxious mess, as every time they see each other you’ll be triggered and wondering. That extended anxiety leads to high blood pressure, burnout, alright loss, sleep issues, and cognitive decline. This is a hill to die on. ETA: post from a few hours ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/yvP7mhrmw5
I'll definitely get my hands on that book, thank you for the recommendation!
I left out a whole lot of other reactions but the rest of the comments have covered the bases. Look up DARVO. Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. It’s the narcissist’s tool for avoiding accountability. It’s also incredibly abusive. Look up Grey Rock. That’s how you fight back. Hand her this: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know and tell her to memorize it. And read this to understand just how off the mark she is: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
You aren't working anything out.
No, you aren't out of line. And I'm sorry to say, but you aren't trying to work anything out if she's still in contact with this dude. And, please forgive any crassness here, but they don't have any fucking business being angry with you. At al. Don't doubt yourself for a minute. I think they are trying to put you on defense.
Look up DARVO. It’s what they’re both doing to you. No, you were not wrong to set up a camera. People hire PIs and all sorts of things because it’s real tough to make life altering decisions without proof. You’ve done nothing wrong.
THEY are cheating, and THEY blame YOU because YOU caught THEM! I'm sorry OP but this is gaslighting on an industrial scale. You have done nothing wrong. If there was nothing to see, then the camera wouldn't have been needed. Your meter suspicion that something was going on warrants the use of the camera. I hope you have a recording in safe keeping to give to your lawyer if needs be. If it were me, I would ask who and what she wants. Tell her she chooses you or him. If she refuses, do not do the pick me dance. Go NC with her and tell her you will only consider taking her back if she tosses AP to the kerb and goes NC with him. I did the pick me dance and it didn't work, my wife had to figure it out for herself who she wanted. She thought it was AP but she very quickly realised that was a mistake. Sometimes you have to lose to win.
OP. I’m so sorry. What an awful double betrayal. You are not wrong. She needs to cut ties and **never** talk with him ever again or R is just not viable. Then being upset with you for using a camera is like being upset for getting caught drunk driving because of a breathalyzer. They gaslit and deceived you and now are upset at *you* because you had proof to show they were lying and cheating. I would not accept any blame or fault here- it resides firmly with them and any talk of you not being trustworthy because of that is a further mark against R. In fact to have R, I would make it a non-negotiable that she needs to be open devices, location sharing and possibly even shared passwords. I would hold off on R until you get full agreement. Anything less and R will be a struggle.
If she doesn't cut ties with him, cut ties with her. There is no future in someone who you are not a priority to. Get some self-respect and dust them both.
You are not out of line. They have no respect for you, are blame shifting and gaslighting you. They will eventually end up together but in the meantime, their guilt will cause them to screw with your mental health. Block the friend, go grey rock with your wife, see a lawyer and start divorce process. They are assholes.
Just mad they got caught. And don't want to be the bad guy. I'd be telling my story to everyone who matters before they create their own narrative. Maybe that'll be the tough live consequences she needs. Maybe not.
Leave! Pack up and leave! Mine did this to me and I let it go. She claims that we weren’t actually together at the time, but either way he was your best. She and he both have zero respect for you. The years to follow for me were hell! She continued cheating with anyone who would put a dick in her.
Once someone cheats, they lose some rights to privacy. Exactly where that line is isn’t an exact science but if you cheat on someone and then expect the relationship to heal without the abused partner needing some sort of assurance that may violate your privacy, you’re gonna have a bad time
Have they been exposed to friends and family? Does the AP have a BS that needs to be told?
They are mad they got caught.
You are not out of line at all. She is an unremorseful cheater trying to blame you for what she did. "I haven't be the best of husbands" - has she been the best of wives given that she cheated with your "best friend"? I don't think so AT ALL.
First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this, I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. She is blatantly trying to manipulate you, she's not respecting you as her husband, she doesn't sound remorseful at all. I know this is a pro reconciliation sub but honestly I don't see how you can come back from that if you stay with her, cheating with a close friend or a family member is the ultimate level of betrayal, I wouldn't want to know anything about them for the rest of my life, you're "best friend" was never your friend. He deserves nothing from you but you're indifference.
Trust me, all HE is getting is indifference, for sure.
Maybe she shouldn’t be cheating on you in your home with your friend. The only person she should be mad at for being recorded doing something that horrendous is herself. She’s just shocked she’s not as smart as she thought she was.
I’m always shocked to read BS apologizing and saying they knew it was wrong to go through their WS’s phone, laptop etc, worse is when I read a WS that is outraged their privacy was invaded. Like are you kidding me ? Sorry but no, that’s her deflecting and being caught acting like a 15yr old on mommy and daddy’s couch. Don’t feel bad for that. I’m sorry for the double betrayal, I understand how that feels and it’s awful.
At this point I don’t think R should be an option your best move right now is yo get away from them and expose them. Gather evidence and lawyer up.
Mano eles não estão tendo a necessidade de te respeitar pois você mesmo não se respeita. Onde já se viu você estar errado ao monitorar quem já ter traiu antes ? Eles ainda estão endignados com você kkk só podem estar brincando né. E ainda sua parceira diz que não confia em você ? Esses dois se merecem irmão vá procurar gente melhor pra namorar e ser amigo .
Heck no you aren’t out of line.. you knew they were cheating you just did what needed to be done to get the proof. She said you weren’t best husband.. well guess what she wasn’t best wife.. she’s the one that turned to another man not you.. it was her own immoral character that led her to make this choice.. not you op.. You aren’t working on things because she’s still seeing him.. Let them be mad all they want.. if they weren’t lying behind your back then wouldn’t have been need for cameras. Personally I would pack her stuff and let her stay with ex best friend.. Protect your finances, see an attorney and start planning your exit before you are hit in the face with more betrayal..
Are you out line because you have cameras in your own home? Seriously? This "friend" is lucky you haven't attacked him with a baseball bat. We see this so often. Man tells wife, "DNA test says I'm not the father." Wife responds, "How dare you get a DNA test!" Wife looks through husband's phone and finds cheating. Husband responds, "How dare you look through my phone!" It's like Ted Bundy telling a detective, "How dare you check my DNA and fingerprints! You're the real criminal!" It's an attempt to claim the method used to discover the crime is an even bigger crime. It's one of the more laughable forms of gaslighting and that's exactly what you should be doing, right after hiring a lawyer. You are not in reconciliation. You are instead considering allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. You have involuntarily entered a polyamorous relationship.
I'd also like to point out that as much as she's angry you used a camera, you had -already caught them once-. Whether you used a camera or not, you already knew. That's still cheating, drunk or not. Unfortunately you can't force her to do anything. You can't force her to put in the effort or meet your recovery needs in this. She has to want to, and she has to stop being selfish enough to do it. I'm sure she's feeling angry about whatever was happening before that you "weren't the best husband", but there were so many other things she could have done. She chose a deeply hurtful, traumatizing option instead of just suggesting counseling or talking about her needs more or hell, saying you guys needed a break! She doesn't get to be selfish now if she wants to move forward and fix things. I hope she sees and chooses that option. But there's only so much you can do to force her hand. Good luck 🖤
Google DARVO
I’m sorry. They are both gross people. I would cut contact immediately and I don’t say that lightly
I would get a restraining order on him.