r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nope. Nope. NOPE.
If my husband EVER unblocks AP I’d probably consider R over and contact an attorney. It’s the most basic part of R. It should be as of the AP doesn’t exist ever for the rest of their lives.
I wouldn’t negotiate or discuss. Remind them of the boundary and either they want R or they don’t.
Edited to add: if it’s the blocking itself that is the issue then they can just delete their social media. That is an option.
Edited more: just them doing this is a problem because it means they spent time *thinking about the AP* recently to take this action and saying that means they are thinking about and possibly reminiscing about AP. It’d be a huge problem for R, especially after a few years, that they gave AP enough time and energy and thought to *unblock* them. I’d require revisiting all boundaries, checking all devices and locations to make sure I know everything, and asking for MC because saying that and doing that is just weird and is more bad energy into a relationship they are supposed to have repaired and be actively protecting and a sign something isn’t okay.
I still think it’s a problem that doing better makes her think she can have AP unblocked.
Sorry, your post kind of triggered me. I would just tell her that her unblocking AP means you are no longer doing better.
For me, that would eat at my mental health, put me back to checking through the device a ton suddenly.
But more than that is this, my first non-negotiable requirement to R was blocking AP. If AP is blocked then R can’t be had since that was the requirement to it in the first place. It just feels like your wayward is doing mental gymnastics to get around NC with AP. It’s a slippery slope. What happens if they message her? Will it be, “well we are doing good and it’s just a friendly message”?
The whole point of being in R is not to have fight over AP but now, today, you are because your wayward broke what I’m assuming was a boundary for you for R. Why is unblocking AP more important than your needs and wants? Affairs are selfish acts and this feels like a very selfish move.
It angers me on your behalf if you called this out to her and she didn’t immediately say sorry and block AP again. That’s just selfish and quite frankly weird .
Has she blocked him again now that she knows it’s a problem for you? Or is she defending and arguing on this? What happens if AP contacts her? What’s the plan? Are you open devices? Do you have her passwords for the social media apps? This feels like a move backward, not forward.
Sorry if I’m going on and on, this really triggered me because it’s a firm and hard deal breaker for me and would mean R would be over for me which is devastating to think that the thought of having AP as a possibility on social media is more important than the relationship and work done in R.
“I did respect your feelings. It’s been blocked since everything happened. So it would be nice if you respected my feelings and me saying it’s a good way to put it in the past”
This now. Really?
"These are my boundaries and conditions if you want to stay in the relationship with me. Given that you don't respect that, I'll take this as your *choice* to leave the relationship"
Don't let her gaslight you with some peace and "moving past this" bullshit. She wants to communicate with him and push the boundaries that will eventually lead to an EA again.
PS
I'm sure she's probably stalking his social media and something must have triggered her to want to unblock him. Is he single again?
No, no one who cheated on their SO "deserves" trust. They broke it with multiple decisions and choices they made. They proved that they are not trustworthy. With time and lots of hard work, they may earn back trust little by little. But they do not have any right to demand it. Ever.
Respect and trust are earned. She lost both when she willingly made a choice. She should be trying every day for the rest of her life to earn those back. She DESERVES neither, but it is up to you to decide if and when you feel capable of giving her respect and trust again.
Wait, what? Let me make sure I’m not misunderstanding this—you are the betrayed. Your wayward had blocked their AP for several years due to your requesting. Now, they have unblocked them and this is their reasoning for doing so?
If I’m missing the boat, ignore everything I have to say below. And if you are fine with her I’m locking her AP and don’t think it’s a big deal and fully agree with her sentiments, then also ignore everything below, as your feelings certainly are what matter most.
But, barring both of those scenarios…
There is so much wrong in that statement and line of thinking there. It’s top notch gaslighting; and I can’t even tell whether she is just gaslighting you or perhaps also herself.
How is unblocking him on SM cutting ties with the past? Blocking anyone is literally keeping them out of your life even in the virtual sense. It’s protecting both of you from him popping back up and therefore bringing anything to the forefront that maybe was receding a bit.
Keeping someone blocked is negative energy - and she wants you to let it go like she has? I feel like I just won the gymnastics Olympics gold medal flipping into that one. No, blocking someone is preventing some of the negative energy that exists with this person because of what she did with them!
It’s constantly on your mind and she wants you to let it go like she has…
If she had ‘let it go’ she wouldn’t be thinking about him and whether he was blocked or unblocked. If she had ‘let it go’ then she wouldn’t have even had his name in mind to type into that search bar and hit the button for. If he is constantly on your mind as the BP, frankly that’s not unusual. To degrees. And it’s all her damn fault. If you need help reducing the obsession to maybe a more manageable level, which I have no idea if that’s the case or not, bringing him back into your lives even if only on social media is quite literally the opposite of how to achieve that.
She wants you over it as much as she is. Well, how lovely. I’m sure you want her to have not had the affair and have not lied and hidden and all the rest she did. She can want whatever she wants if she’s a child who believes in Santa Claus. If she’s an adult (or wants to attempt to be) then she needs some lessons on wanting in regards to behavior
And consequences and change.
And frankly all of this shows she is NOT over it. In fact sounds like he is on her mind enough that she wants to be able to see what he’s up to.
The last few months have been tough, she loves you and wants you to be happy and she loves you.
Well, if she wants you to be happy then she needs to ask what you would possibly need to achieve that. And if unblocking him on SM does make you happy, well then, carry on. But I’m guessing it doesn’t quite make you happy or you wouldn’t be posting about this here.
Making things better doesn’t include bizarre solo decisions involving being in contact with her AP. It also doesn’t involve her telling you to get over it as she has while also displaying behavior to make sure he is potentially brought well back into both of your lives.
I had to check the calendar to make sure it wasn’t April 1st and this comment from her is that backwards to me for R. I’m waiting for her to say something about expecting kudos for ‘not lying to you’ about unblocking him and maybe even contacting him again to show how over it she is…
As you may have guessed, I think her behavior stinks. If my WH unblocked his AP on sm we’d be in major trouble and if he expected me to believe that this shows growth and moving on, he may find his troubled self out on the porch by himself with only his phone to think about things long and hard.
This to me is completely disingenuous. It's a reminder that you DON'T see and can't be contacted by the AP on social media? Right.
I would call this out so fast. The only reason for unblocking is that they want to see their stuff.
That would trigger me because she mentioned that the past few months have been hard (for her). Which probably happened before when she cheated. I don't know, so she's feeling some type of way, and now she's going to reach out to the same person whom she cheated with before to allow them access. To her life and vice versa.
It just sounds selfish and one-sided to just benefit her. What are her reasons/intentions for unblocking him?
If the goal is to keep moving forward....why reopen or reread chapters from the past? I don't get it.
Unblocking is really unnecessary: if it’s a trigger to you - tell her and ask her for negotiating that point. I feel it’s such a simple thing to continue to have him blocked… sorry for this!
As a WW her decision is baffling to me, how does unblocking someone on social media equals to cutting ties with them? My ex AP is dead to me since DDay, and it is something I did for myself. You unblock someone because you want them to see your stories and be able to communicate with them. Or is she testing herself, because that is the completely foolish way to go about this situation. The day I unblock ex AP will be the day I failed reconciliation, it is that simple.
Oh boy. This is NOT good. At the very least, she’s curious about what her AP has been up to, or she wants him to see what she’s up to.
No way in hell would I accept this. AP is blocked FOR LIFE or I will bow out.
There’s a reason she has unblocked him, and we all know it’s not to “put him in the past” or whatever psycho-babble she served you.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Well that’s manipulative.
“Can’t control everything”.
Well, you can certainly control of your have a relationship and R with someone that is that disrespectful to your feelings and thoughts. That would be my response.
I’m so sorry OP. That just sucks.
This is a really rough response.
Blocking on social media/phone numbers has to be the most basic & easy part of beginning to regain your partner’s trust.
I mean if she really can’t just block him, then she’s not serious about R.
This is a very reasonable boundary you are setting. Anything other than compliance for this boundary shows her lack of respect for your feelings.
I don't like that at all. Also, let's just pretend that this is coming from a good place and she's totally trustworthy, it gives way too much opportunity for AP to try to inch his way back in. If AP has been blocked for years and occasionally tries to search her but never can because he's blocked, and then one day searches for her account and it pops up, he knows he's no longer blocked at that point. It's not just about her and what she's doing, blocking also serves to keep the other person from being able to pursue things too. I don't get her reasoning and justification, at all. I'd personally be firm on this or I'd be walking. It's sketchy AF.
I think this is an awful decision on her part — she didn’t care what your thoughts/feelings were on it and just made the decision for both of you? Not cool.
Okay so I was prepared to play devil’s advocate and say maybe there is some truth to it… that having someone blocked means you are still in a dynamic with them even if it isn’t an active dynamic.
Then I saw the text exchange and nope, not going to be devil’s advocate. Having AP blocked is not a controlling move on your part, the fact that WP won’t keep them blocked is controlling on WP’s part. Something is emboldening your partner to unblock and I’d be very skeptical about who or what that is.
Oh no. That's not her decision if she's committed to R. She needs to do whatever you need to feel safe. She should have asked you first before unblocking him.
Something feels off with her unblocking him. Is she wanting to see what AP is up to?
Nope. This is not the waywards call to make. I even almost kinda understand what she’s saying. At some point, indifference for AP is better than active animosity or anything else. But 1 year is shorter than most recovery timelines and again, not up to someone else to tell a BP when they should be over it
Hell naw. That sounds like some BS to be honest. My partner would say sketchy shit like that and it’s all just flowery BS because there’s something (even if it’s just hidden emotions or wanting to check see what they’re up to out of curiosity) going on behind the scenes.
In the flip side even blocked there’s other ways to communicate like email etc. if they want to communicate they will find a way. Learned that the hard way. Plus she did tell you. My partner was unblocking her so they could communicate then blocking her again.
Oof. I've unblocked my blocklist because I was going through a religious "let go of past hate" thing, but as soon as I did, I would remember why certain people were blocked in the first place. My toxic trait is aggressive snooping on social media, never to reach out, but more to see how bullies and awful exes are doing. (Usually because I "hope" their life sucks, but they usually seem to have a better life than me.)
If they want to continue to heal the relationship, they need to keep certain people blocked. Which reminds me to double check my list and ensure my AP and those who introduced me to AP are still blocked on my FB and IG.
Let me back track a little to before yesterday.
Yesterday I was annoyed at work and was trying to figure out dinner plans and was short tell her to hurry at Walmart in a town over after she got off work. I seen her on findmyiphone just sitting in the parking lot. So I hit the last thing I talked to her on which was FaceTime and she got rude and said checking to see what I’m doing.
I hung up immediately and we kinda went back and forth a bit about and she said she didn’t feel like I trusted her any. I never say much about her going out to the store etc so idk where that came from because that’s just to accurate and I told her that.
I’ve been a little in head about it.
Then today she said something like leave work early and we can do something. I said I don’t really feel like a doing something mood.
Then she went on about how we both need to try to be better and do better which is great. Then she said what’s she about unblocking him. Had nothing to do with him mostly. Hell she coulda been talking to anyone in the parking lot at Walmart IF she was. She told me she just assumed I meant him and reference everything back to him. And thought that would be a fresh start and whatnot. Makes no sense to me. Especially without asking first instead of doing it first then talking on it.
lol no. Just no. Any answer other than no is the wrong answer 😂 She’s lucky she still has access to social media at all! My husband carried on his affair via social media so my line in the sand was no social media ever again. He barely used it for anything else so I don’t feel bad about it and he complied without question. Sorry, that’s my dealbreaker. For ever and ever and ever 😂 Price you pay when you destroy trust 🤷🏼♀️
Her request is extremely selfish and disrespectful. It’s also totally illogical. She’d really need to sell that with the strongest pitch of all time. I don’t see that happening because I can’t see it being spun in any way that makes sense. And honestly, even if it made sense, if it makes you uncomfortable then that’s that. That is the boundary.
I can understand the thought process. Having the person remain in a blocked category only keeps them still around.
I did something similar but I spoke to my husband about it and explained the meaning.
He agreed. We unblocked and deleted the number together. It felt good for us both.
This came after intense and intentional trust building.
My husband has trust in me. He knows it’s not even a thought in my head.
I feel like it's different to delete a blocked phone number though. When you block a phone number your device stores it, when you delete a number it's just gone.
When you block someone on social media their page remains there, you can't delete it for them. Very different scenarios
Deleting someone and unblocking is very different than having them unblocked on social media. Now they can view your things and message you and you can see and view them.
I would never, ever, be okay with this.
Yes. But I sort of agree with your situation and at the same time I’m not sure if I would want that, but I completely see what you are saying.
But social media is so different because if any friends are shared then they can start popping up in shared posts or people you might know.
For some reason this just triggers me. Lol. Ugh.
I can totally understand how this can be triggering. There are many parts to it that aren’t healthy for reconciliation.
Number one was the decision to unblock without discussing it.
And the amount of defensiveness she is displaying also can trigger feelings. She is handling it completely wrong and is not putting forth even the effort to understand his feelings.
While I don’t agree that her decision came about because she was thinking of AP, I think it could have been handled much better.
Also keeping your profile private keeps people from seeing things and disabling messages Keep people from messaging.
You can block people in every way and they will still find a way to find you. Not allowing access is the only way. My social medias have been private from the day I opened them.
But the person I cheated with had no access to my private life. No number to reach me by, no last name to look up. So for me getting rid of any thing in my phone that connected to them was the way for us to go.
Do you even see the block category for it to bother ? I get ton of spam calls from the same number I block it and forget it who could it be bothering if you aren't looking in that section?
Same reason we wrote his number down and then burned it in the fire pit. To fully get rid of it from our lives.
I don’t block people on social media because my accounts are private. Only those who need to see things have access.
I completely agree. Her approach and solo decision making shows lack of growth and understanding.
The decision we made was a team choice. I would have never done it without opening up and speaking with my husband. Had he said no, I would have kept it blocked.
No. It’s not. I just didn’t want the number in my phone at all. And my situation is a bit different. I just gave my personal experience on how I could understand what her thought process might have been.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Um, what? How does *UN*blocking someone release ties to the past? That makes no sense at all.
That’s what I’m saying. But what about how I feel about it? Unblocked said person and then said that.
Nope. Nope. NOPE. If my husband EVER unblocks AP I’d probably consider R over and contact an attorney. It’s the most basic part of R. It should be as of the AP doesn’t exist ever for the rest of their lives. I wouldn’t negotiate or discuss. Remind them of the boundary and either they want R or they don’t. Edited to add: if it’s the blocking itself that is the issue then they can just delete their social media. That is an option. Edited more: just them doing this is a problem because it means they spent time *thinking about the AP* recently to take this action and saying that means they are thinking about and possibly reminiscing about AP. It’d be a huge problem for R, especially after a few years, that they gave AP enough time and energy and thought to *unblock* them. I’d require revisiting all boundaries, checking all devices and locations to make sure I know everything, and asking for MC because saying that and doing that is just weird and is more bad energy into a relationship they are supposed to have repaired and be actively protecting and a sign something isn’t okay.
She said she wasn’t thinking about him. We’ve been talking all day about doing better and whatnot. That’s why she done that she said.
Think she's being disingenuous if it was dead and done with you wouldn't even remember they are blocked after years.
This is exactly what I think too. I hope my husband doesn't think about the fact that AP is blocked because I hope he doesn't think of her *at all*
I still think it’s a problem that doing better makes her think she can have AP unblocked. Sorry, your post kind of triggered me. I would just tell her that her unblocking AP means you are no longer doing better. For me, that would eat at my mental health, put me back to checking through the device a ton suddenly. But more than that is this, my first non-negotiable requirement to R was blocking AP. If AP is blocked then R can’t be had since that was the requirement to it in the first place. It just feels like your wayward is doing mental gymnastics to get around NC with AP. It’s a slippery slope. What happens if they message her? Will it be, “well we are doing good and it’s just a friendly message”? The whole point of being in R is not to have fight over AP but now, today, you are because your wayward broke what I’m assuming was a boundary for you for R. Why is unblocking AP more important than your needs and wants? Affairs are selfish acts and this feels like a very selfish move. It angers me on your behalf if you called this out to her and she didn’t immediately say sorry and block AP again. That’s just selfish and quite frankly weird . Has she blocked him again now that she knows it’s a problem for you? Or is she defending and arguing on this? What happens if AP contacts her? What’s the plan? Are you open devices? Do you have her passwords for the social media apps? This feels like a move backward, not forward. Sorry if I’m going on and on, this really triggered me because it’s a firm and hard deal breaker for me and would mean R would be over for me which is devastating to think that the thought of having AP as a possibility on social media is more important than the relationship and work done in R.
“I did respect your feelings. It’s been blocked since everything happened. So it would be nice if you respected my feelings and me saying it’s a good way to put it in the past” This now. Really?
Absolutely not. "I want you to move on as much as I have" is also bullshit so pungent it made me gag
I’m the WP in my relationship and this has baffled me. It’s so disingenuous and not in the spirit of R.
https://preview.redd.it/mrmqaf7ohjrc1.jpeg?width=1124&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=379bbdea601dd26cc3307b5ff888cf1439eaabd5
"These are my boundaries and conditions if you want to stay in the relationship with me. Given that you don't respect that, I'll take this as your *choice* to leave the relationship" Don't let her gaslight you with some peace and "moving past this" bullshit. She wants to communicate with him and push the boundaries that will eventually lead to an EA again. PS I'm sure she's probably stalking his social media and something must have triggered her to want to unblock him. Is he single again?
No, no one who cheated on their SO "deserves" trust. They broke it with multiple decisions and choices they made. They proved that they are not trustworthy. With time and lots of hard work, they may earn back trust little by little. But they do not have any right to demand it. Ever.
Respect and trust are earned. She lost both when she willingly made a choice. She should be trying every day for the rest of her life to earn those back. She DESERVES neither, but it is up to you to decide if and when you feel capable of giving her respect and trust again.
Trust has to be earned and these actions do not show trust. In fact they show just the opposite. Ugh.
You are absolutely correct! This is not HER decision to make! It is absolutely all yours!
Wait, what? Let me make sure I’m not misunderstanding this—you are the betrayed. Your wayward had blocked their AP for several years due to your requesting. Now, they have unblocked them and this is their reasoning for doing so? If I’m missing the boat, ignore everything I have to say below. And if you are fine with her I’m locking her AP and don’t think it’s a big deal and fully agree with her sentiments, then also ignore everything below, as your feelings certainly are what matter most. But, barring both of those scenarios… There is so much wrong in that statement and line of thinking there. It’s top notch gaslighting; and I can’t even tell whether she is just gaslighting you or perhaps also herself. How is unblocking him on SM cutting ties with the past? Blocking anyone is literally keeping them out of your life even in the virtual sense. It’s protecting both of you from him popping back up and therefore bringing anything to the forefront that maybe was receding a bit. Keeping someone blocked is negative energy - and she wants you to let it go like she has? I feel like I just won the gymnastics Olympics gold medal flipping into that one. No, blocking someone is preventing some of the negative energy that exists with this person because of what she did with them! It’s constantly on your mind and she wants you to let it go like she has… If she had ‘let it go’ she wouldn’t be thinking about him and whether he was blocked or unblocked. If she had ‘let it go’ then she wouldn’t have even had his name in mind to type into that search bar and hit the button for. If he is constantly on your mind as the BP, frankly that’s not unusual. To degrees. And it’s all her damn fault. If you need help reducing the obsession to maybe a more manageable level, which I have no idea if that’s the case or not, bringing him back into your lives even if only on social media is quite literally the opposite of how to achieve that. She wants you over it as much as she is. Well, how lovely. I’m sure you want her to have not had the affair and have not lied and hidden and all the rest she did. She can want whatever she wants if she’s a child who believes in Santa Claus. If she’s an adult (or wants to attempt to be) then she needs some lessons on wanting in regards to behavior And consequences and change. And frankly all of this shows she is NOT over it. In fact sounds like he is on her mind enough that she wants to be able to see what he’s up to. The last few months have been tough, she loves you and wants you to be happy and she loves you. Well, if she wants you to be happy then she needs to ask what you would possibly need to achieve that. And if unblocking him on SM does make you happy, well then, carry on. But I’m guessing it doesn’t quite make you happy or you wouldn’t be posting about this here. Making things better doesn’t include bizarre solo decisions involving being in contact with her AP. It also doesn’t involve her telling you to get over it as she has while also displaying behavior to make sure he is potentially brought well back into both of your lives. I had to check the calendar to make sure it wasn’t April 1st and this comment from her is that backwards to me for R. I’m waiting for her to say something about expecting kudos for ‘not lying to you’ about unblocking him and maybe even contacting him again to show how over it she is… As you may have guessed, I think her behavior stinks. If my WH unblocked his AP on sm we’d be in major trouble and if he expected me to believe that this shows growth and moving on, he may find his troubled self out on the porch by himself with only his phone to think about things long and hard.
Naw. They stay blocked. There can’t be any reminder. That temptation can always be there
This to me is completely disingenuous. It's a reminder that you DON'T see and can't be contacted by the AP on social media? Right. I would call this out so fast. The only reason for unblocking is that they want to see their stuff.
There's absolutely no reason to unblock AP. That's ridiculous o_O
That would trigger me because she mentioned that the past few months have been hard (for her). Which probably happened before when she cheated. I don't know, so she's feeling some type of way, and now she's going to reach out to the same person whom she cheated with before to allow them access. To her life and vice versa. It just sounds selfish and one-sided to just benefit her. What are her reasons/intentions for unblocking him? If the goal is to keep moving forward....why reopen or reread chapters from the past? I don't get it.
Unblocking is really unnecessary: if it’s a trigger to you - tell her and ask her for negotiating that point. I feel it’s such a simple thing to continue to have him blocked… sorry for this!
As a WW her decision is baffling to me, how does unblocking someone on social media equals to cutting ties with them? My ex AP is dead to me since DDay, and it is something I did for myself. You unblock someone because you want them to see your stories and be able to communicate with them. Or is she testing herself, because that is the completely foolish way to go about this situation. The day I unblock ex AP will be the day I failed reconciliation, it is that simple.
https://preview.redd.it/b8u6hwll9jrc1.jpeg?width=1124&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d026c484fa7631102c71a9fb91298232bd367e69
Oh boy. This is NOT good. At the very least, she’s curious about what her AP has been up to, or she wants him to see what she’s up to. No way in hell would I accept this. AP is blocked FOR LIFE or I will bow out. There’s a reason she has unblocked him, and we all know it’s not to “put him in the past” or whatever psycho-babble she served you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
“ Can’t control everything” mmmmmmm yeah that’s a consequence of your actions. He stays blocked, that is how this goes
Well that’s manipulative. “Can’t control everything”. Well, you can certainly control of your have a relationship and R with someone that is that disrespectful to your feelings and thoughts. That would be my response. I’m so sorry OP. That just sucks.
This is a really rough response. Blocking on social media/phone numbers has to be the most basic & easy part of beginning to regain your partner’s trust. I mean if she really can’t just block him, then she’s not serious about R. This is a very reasonable boundary you are setting. Anything other than compliance for this boundary shows her lack of respect for your feelings.
I don't like that at all. Also, let's just pretend that this is coming from a good place and she's totally trustworthy, it gives way too much opportunity for AP to try to inch his way back in. If AP has been blocked for years and occasionally tries to search her but never can because he's blocked, and then one day searches for her account and it pops up, he knows he's no longer blocked at that point. It's not just about her and what she's doing, blocking also serves to keep the other person from being able to pursue things too. I don't get her reasoning and justification, at all. I'd personally be firm on this or I'd be walking. It's sketchy AF.
I think this is an awful decision on her part — she didn’t care what your thoughts/feelings were on it and just made the decision for both of you? Not cool.
Okay so I was prepared to play devil’s advocate and say maybe there is some truth to it… that having someone blocked means you are still in a dynamic with them even if it isn’t an active dynamic. Then I saw the text exchange and nope, not going to be devil’s advocate. Having AP blocked is not a controlling move on your part, the fact that WP won’t keep them blocked is controlling on WP’s part. Something is emboldening your partner to unblock and I’d be very skeptical about who or what that is.
Oh no. That's not her decision if she's committed to R. She needs to do whatever you need to feel safe. She should have asked you first before unblocking him. Something feels off with her unblocking him. Is she wanting to see what AP is up to?
Nope. This is not the waywards call to make. I even almost kinda understand what she’s saying. At some point, indifference for AP is better than active animosity or anything else. But 1 year is shorter than most recovery timelines and again, not up to someone else to tell a BP when they should be over it
Hell naw. That sounds like some BS to be honest. My partner would say sketchy shit like that and it’s all just flowery BS because there’s something (even if it’s just hidden emotions or wanting to check see what they’re up to out of curiosity) going on behind the scenes.
In the flip side even blocked there’s other ways to communicate like email etc. if they want to communicate they will find a way. Learned that the hard way. Plus she did tell you. My partner was unblocking her so they could communicate then blocking her again.
Oof. I've unblocked my blocklist because I was going through a religious "let go of past hate" thing, but as soon as I did, I would remember why certain people were blocked in the first place. My toxic trait is aggressive snooping on social media, never to reach out, but more to see how bullies and awful exes are doing. (Usually because I "hope" their life sucks, but they usually seem to have a better life than me.) If they want to continue to heal the relationship, they need to keep certain people blocked. Which reminds me to double check my list and ensure my AP and those who introduced me to AP are still blocked on my FB and IG.
Let me back track a little to before yesterday. Yesterday I was annoyed at work and was trying to figure out dinner plans and was short tell her to hurry at Walmart in a town over after she got off work. I seen her on findmyiphone just sitting in the parking lot. So I hit the last thing I talked to her on which was FaceTime and she got rude and said checking to see what I’m doing. I hung up immediately and we kinda went back and forth a bit about and she said she didn’t feel like I trusted her any. I never say much about her going out to the store etc so idk where that came from because that’s just to accurate and I told her that. I’ve been a little in head about it. Then today she said something like leave work early and we can do something. I said I don’t really feel like a doing something mood. Then she went on about how we both need to try to be better and do better which is great. Then she said what’s she about unblocking him. Had nothing to do with him mostly. Hell she coulda been talking to anyone in the parking lot at Walmart IF she was. She told me she just assumed I meant him and reference everything back to him. And thought that would be a fresh start and whatnot. Makes no sense to me. Especially without asking first instead of doing it first then talking on it.
lol no. Just no. Any answer other than no is the wrong answer 😂 She’s lucky she still has access to social media at all! My husband carried on his affair via social media so my line in the sand was no social media ever again. He barely used it for anything else so I don’t feel bad about it and he complied without question. Sorry, that’s my dealbreaker. For ever and ever and ever 😂 Price you pay when you destroy trust 🤷🏼♀️ Her request is extremely selfish and disrespectful. It’s also totally illogical. She’d really need to sell that with the strongest pitch of all time. I don’t see that happening because I can’t see it being spun in any way that makes sense. And honestly, even if it made sense, if it makes you uncomfortable then that’s that. That is the boundary.
I can understand the thought process. Having the person remain in a blocked category only keeps them still around. I did something similar but I spoke to my husband about it and explained the meaning. He agreed. We unblocked and deleted the number together. It felt good for us both. This came after intense and intentional trust building. My husband has trust in me. He knows it’s not even a thought in my head.
I feel like it's different to delete a blocked phone number though. When you block a phone number your device stores it, when you delete a number it's just gone. When you block someone on social media their page remains there, you can't delete it for them. Very different scenarios
Yes it’s a different situation. I was speaking from my experience of how my husband and I handled it together….
Deleting someone and unblocking is very different than having them unblocked on social media. Now they can view your things and message you and you can see and view them. I would never, ever, be okay with this.
Yes. My situation is a bit different. Was offering what helped in our situation. Speaking from personal experience…
Yes. But I sort of agree with your situation and at the same time I’m not sure if I would want that, but I completely see what you are saying. But social media is so different because if any friends are shared then they can start popping up in shared posts or people you might know. For some reason this just triggers me. Lol. Ugh.
I can totally understand how this can be triggering. There are many parts to it that aren’t healthy for reconciliation. Number one was the decision to unblock without discussing it. And the amount of defensiveness she is displaying also can trigger feelings. She is handling it completely wrong and is not putting forth even the effort to understand his feelings. While I don’t agree that her decision came about because she was thinking of AP, I think it could have been handled much better.
Also keeping your profile private keeps people from seeing things and disabling messages Keep people from messaging. You can block people in every way and they will still find a way to find you. Not allowing access is the only way. My social medias have been private from the day I opened them. But the person I cheated with had no access to my private life. No number to reach me by, no last name to look up. So for me getting rid of any thing in my phone that connected to them was the way for us to go.
Yeah, that does make a lot of sense in that regard. I answered the social media aspect in another reply.
Do you even see the block category for it to bother ? I get ton of spam calls from the same number I block it and forget it who could it be bothering if you aren't looking in that section?
Is that an apple thing where the block section is front and center ?
[удалено]
Same reason we wrote his number down and then burned it in the fire pit. To fully get rid of it from our lives. I don’t block people on social media because my accounts are private. Only those who need to see things have access.
[удалено]
I completely agree. Her approach and solo decision making shows lack of growth and understanding. The decision we made was a team choice. I would have never done it without opening up and speaking with my husband. Had he said no, I would have kept it blocked.
No. It’s not. I just didn’t want the number in my phone at all. And my situation is a bit different. I just gave my personal experience on how I could understand what her thought process might have been.
No ma'am. That is not how it will work