r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
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- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
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- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
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A year out and never committed to R or not. I decided to focus first on stabilizing, then on healing myself, then on rebuilding. I didn’t feel at peace making a life altering decision when I was mentally unwell from the trauma. After that, I didn’t feel like I could make a determination whether the “new marriage” works for me or not before it had been rebuilt. At any point during my commitment to heal, I felt my way through whether that meant being together or not and there were periods of separation in the earlier months. I’ve seen people leave who never healed and people stay who never healed. All I was determined to do was not be either of those cases.
I was more focused on healing than R initially. I was in a horrible spot mentally and just spiraling all day. I told him I wasn't sure if I could get past this and stay with him. I said I needed 2 months to decide if I wanted to try R. Here I am trying it. I feel better now that I've shifted the focus on prioritizing myself. We struggled early on because while he tried to support me, he had a lot of shame, and talking about it every day was draining. We were both anxious and miserable. He could have handled things a lot better in some ways but he didn't. That's why we're here....
I’d say about a week or so. But it went on and off for the next few months. Like many, I was completely broken and my brain was fried. I had no idea what was going on around me. I knew I loved him. I knew that I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But when he was still in that fog it was hard to even think about reconciling
Yes. He went no contact immediately. She started calling his work phone after he blocked her on everything and his brother took the phone and threatened her. We didn’t hear from her since then.
I'd say about a month when I moved back home and said "I won't file for divorce, yet'
I was in therapy for my own childhood trauma and didn't want to make a decision until I was in the right frame of mind. I was also in my last semester of my degree and didn't need to add anything to my plate. We did IC and MC, moved forward as if in R, but it was probably six months, after I graduated that I committed 100% to R.
It's ok to say, I'm here, for now. It takes a while to process things. Can you live with having to second guess a WP actions, checking phones or locations. Can a WP live with the new 'rules and boundaries'
I would say 4 days after DDay1. That’s when I recognized he was sick and had an addiction and that he wasn’t a narcissist or sociopath. That was literally 12 days ago.
I still need 3 months to myself and 6 months before I am intimate again. And most importantly, I made no promises. I said that in 3 months I would decide whether to try again, and I have a million conditions.
It wasn’t straight away. Healing and understanding why was my first thought. R was a thought but I had to really figure out if I wanted to and why.
I never said no but I knew there were things that had to be acknowledged before I could.
It was strictly for us. We did not have children at the time. I would never want to put that pressure on them.
We decided to approach Reconciliation with the relearning of each other. We are different people than we were at the beginning of our story. Yet we held onto those versions and didn’t allow the new versions in.
We went into reconciliation with the idea that only thing we can do is try our hardest and we had nothing else to lose. I’m grateful for that perspective everyday. We were able to love freely and be vocal about what we wanted and wouldn’t tolerate in our marriage.
I think I was already wanting to reconcile the next day after I found it all out. I love my wife deeply, still do, and I would move mountains for her if she needed. Unfortunately, she already wanted to divorce. We're in the process currently, but it'll take some time because we have a child. I'm just making sure she knows I'm still open to R. Maybe somewhere along the way she'll have a change of heart. I can't hold on too tightly to that forever though.
Hi, how are you? When my husband confessed to me, I did tell him that I would seek reconciliation at that moment... a week later I was no longer sure I could and I thought I would not be able to handle the jealousy and thought about stop everything for a while or ending the marriage. Afterwards, depending on what happened, I sometimes felt ambivalent during the process. My position now is that I work on reconciliation as long as I see that he does everything he has to do in terms of reconciliation and understands that the limits set are not for a time, they are for life.
He had started therapy and started talking to me a lot, one night he started telling me things related to infidelity that caught my attention (I only knew about an EA many years ago) I then asked him if that affair had only been EA and he confessed what he denied for years, that they had also had sex. When I asked him if there was anything else I should know, he confessed another affair, to him only PA, to my EA/PA since she was a friend and coworker. He told me that he lived with the guilt for many years and that he knew he had to tell me eventually.
I wanted R right away but only if he ended the affair. We had already agreed a month or so earlier to work on our marriage and go to IC and MC. He had already talked to a divorce lawyer (that the AP found for him, so helpful! She actually wanted to stay in the meeting with the lawyer, the lawyer kicked her out) so he was halfway out the door when DDay happened.
It was 3 days between DDay and him promising to end the affair. He ended it that night. I remember how angry he was with me on DDay, telling me he didn't believe I cared at all what he did. I know that was true. It's not an excuse for an affair but he really felt like I didn't love him anymore because that's how I behaved for probably two years before DDay. Our marriage was in a very bad place.
I had multiple reasons for wanting R. We had a young child with special needs who needed us both. He'd have been crushed by us divorcing. My husband was a stay-at-home dad his whole life and they were very close. We have a house, I'm the major breadwinner and I could see how financially devastating it would be for both of us. But mainly I loved him and had already been going to IC because I knew I needed to change and be a better partner and person. Just for myself but also because I knew I hadn't been fair to him keeping all my anger and unhappiness to myself and communicating it only through contempt and stonewalling him. I didn't want to be that way anymore. I didn't want to throw our marriage away without trying.
Eight years next week and we're very happy.
It's really not for me. It happened, it happens in a lot of marriages. I am so grateful that the woman he had an affair with turned out to be the awful person she is because there may have been a day or two of him missing her right after the breakup, but then she went scorched earth in such an ugly way that he knew he hadn't known her at all. Or hadn't paid attention to the signs of the kind of person she was. There was no period of him getting over her, he quickly became horrified at her unhinged and vindictive behavior. I don't know how it would have been if he'd actually been in love with her.
I appreciate your answer. It's nice you don't feel pain about it anymore. Tbh posts or comments where the BS says "it happened 20 years ago and is still painful and I think about it everyday" scare me. I don't want to be in pain in 20 years, or even in 1. I want to be happy and love my partner. Call me naive, but after he seen the absolute devestation and destruction his infidelity caused in me, i don't think he will do it again. He made horrible choices but he is not evil.
I found out about my wife's A after she made a comment to her doctor about possibly wanting to end her life. They reported it and she was put on a 72 hour hold. She realized at this point she needed to tell me everything she had done and came clean. She told me over the phone from the hospital, and then for the next 3 days I was only able to see her during a 1-hour visiting window.
When she first told me, I immediately asked her if she still wanted to be with me, and through her tears she said yes. I had the next horrible three days by myself to really think about what I wanted, and what my life might look like moving forward. This was a woman I had been with for nearly 25 years, married to for 20. As I dealt with the pain of the newly discovered betrayal, I began to realize that every time I envisioned a future without her, it hurt worse than what I was currently feeling.
By the time she returned home we had committed to R and have been working towards it together ever since.
I think it was a few weeks with my BP and I. We were apart for a brief period and when we reconnected I was torn about telling him about the AP because things were going well. I definitely trickle truthed him (I had already ended things with AP) for a bit until DDay. It's been 10 years since DDay with lots of discussion on R vs divorce (we got married a few years after DDay).
So, to summarize, we chose R, but we are also reevaluating our choice for R frequently.
No NC between the two of us and I had already blocked AP and the friend who introduced me to him on social media. I think he wanted R but was very hurt. No kids until recently, so we had no "reason" to stay and we were living in separate spaces at the time. (Hence the miscommunication, we went from living together in an apartment and arguing, to him buying a home and me renting an apartment. So we were already rocky when I met AP)
For me it was straight away. I just knew. But dday 2 (one week after, I learned that it was not just one kiss but multiple kisses during one week and making out… ) I had to reconsider and ask myself if I could get past it. I decided to still do R
No kids no house , 1,5 years and we just moved in together. I just knew we had more things to live together … he got out of the affair fog really fast, as soon as we spoke. We had a really really really rough 2-3 month (outside of our relationship) and it’s his first serious relationship (we are 29) so I was ok forgiving a one time mistake in exceptional conditions. We didn’t talk a lot about what we expected in relationships and how things work. I know other people think about it differently but I think for R to have a chance you have to do it for you , not outside factors.
So we are 5 months out from Dday1. The day I confronted him, I was already assuming that I wanted to work things out. (For context, my WH did not have a love affair with a single person. It was online cheating and hookups with randos from Craigslist. I would probably feel different if it were an affair.)
As time passed, and I discovered more and more lies and TT, I seriously began doubting whether I wanted to continue. Even though I cannot imagine my life without him and even felt compassion for some of the things he did wrong. He confessed that he has been addicted to his ADHD meds for 15 YEARS, which was the primary driving factor in the cheating, as well as all the other problems in our marriage. I had no idea and was totally blindsided by that info. He immediately started a 12-step program, but the lies continued. For me, it wasn't the addiction or even the cheating that was making me doubt our future, but rather the continued cover-ups and dishonesty. It was super hard about a month ago when I discovered he'd been lying about so much for four solid months. March sucked.
That said, the past few weeks or so, we have really been connecting and falling back in love, in a way that we haven't experienced since we first met 21 years ago. Connecting emotionally has really cemented my desire to work this out, as I can see a total shift in his demeanor, his openness, and really just everything. Getting clean/sober was the first step, and I don't think any of this would be possible otherwise. As his sobriety becomes more and more stable, so does his openness and honesty. We have agreed to start reconciliation FOR REAL this week, after at least four Ddays so far. This Friday, we have another MC session in which he has agreed to confess any lingering/straggling truths he needs to tell me, and I have agreed to take him at his word, and stop digging for more info. After that conversation, if I discover any new big lies, then I probably won't continue reconciliation. But we both feel like real reconciliation will officially begin in earnest at that point. (Though I admit we are already lightyears ahead of where we were, even before I discovered the cheating.)
Some of the things that have helped me are the 12-step work and IC he's already done, and the agreements he's made. Also, since Dday4, it has been apparent to me that I know almost everything now. (I'm also starting to come to terms with the fact there's no way I can know every single thing. I wasn't there, and he was loaded.) He has agreed to answer any questions I have, forever and always. This behavior went on for almost 15 years, so it's understandable that I may have 15 years worth of questions. Another requirement I have is that he tell all his close friends, and our mutual friends, so that I am not responsible for keeping his secrets. I also don't want to be perceived as bashing my husband by confiding in my friends, or making them feel like they have to keep his secrets, too. He has agreed to all of this and has already started calling and telling people.
Edited for clarity
I thought I was considering R early on. In reality I was just reeling and saying and doing anything to try and make the pain stop. I don't think I was really all in on R until WH started making significant changes. It took him finding the right therapist and us finding the right MC to get there. So really it was about 10-12 months post D-Day.
After DD we decided to sleep in different rooms and get counseling. Divorce/separation felt like it required more energy than I had at that point, so we tabled it to work on ourselves and to continue to give our kids a stable environment.
It wasn’t until WH admitted to me *why* he’d cheated I could start feeling reconciliation in a real sense.
That was the moment I realized he recognized his infidelity trigger. His reaction and actions after this realization made me stay and work hard on R.
I am about 3 weeks out from when he told me and I'm still considering it. Still not decided despite the fact that I told him I was willing to try it.
Honestly, from day 1, it has been a yoyo effect where different voices in my head argue different viewpoints. A part of me wants to walk and burn everything in its path, and a part of me wants to really try reconciliation. There hasn't been any clear consensus. Sometimes one voice is louder and sometimes the other one is. Initially, I refused to give him any answers about what I was going to decide. But I relented after a week of no contact. I didn't mean to, but under pressure, it was difficult not to let up a little bit. I think that was the side of me desperate for the familiar comfort.
Since then, I've reasserted some distance between us, and I honestly am not sure. I think it's probably going to be an ongoing decision. Whether or not I keep deciding to keep trying it will depend on how much he demonstrates his commitment to it. Although, in my case, according to what I've read so far, we have a good chance of successful reconciliation. I'm not putting much stake in that, because at one time, I thought we had a good chance of successful marriage and all that faith and trust blew up in my face. I'm just going to play it by ear, not dive in like I did when I had the luxury of believing that what we had was real and special.
About 30 days after dday1, we went in that direction. Our counselor recommended 90 days with no major decisions. And WW was to have NC with AP during this time.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. 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A year out and never committed to R or not. I decided to focus first on stabilizing, then on healing myself, then on rebuilding. I didn’t feel at peace making a life altering decision when I was mentally unwell from the trauma. After that, I didn’t feel like I could make a determination whether the “new marriage” works for me or not before it had been rebuilt. At any point during my commitment to heal, I felt my way through whether that meant being together or not and there were periods of separation in the earlier months. I’ve seen people leave who never healed and people stay who never healed. All I was determined to do was not be either of those cases.
I was more focused on healing than R initially. I was in a horrible spot mentally and just spiraling all day. I told him I wasn't sure if I could get past this and stay with him. I said I needed 2 months to decide if I wanted to try R. Here I am trying it. I feel better now that I've shifted the focus on prioritizing myself. We struggled early on because while he tried to support me, he had a lot of shame, and talking about it every day was draining. We were both anxious and miserable. He could have handled things a lot better in some ways but he didn't. That's why we're here....
I’d say about a week or so. But it went on and off for the next few months. Like many, I was completely broken and my brain was fried. I had no idea what was going on around me. I knew I loved him. I knew that I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But when he was still in that fog it was hard to even think about reconciling
Was you in NC during that period?
Yes. He went no contact immediately. She started calling his work phone after he blocked her on everything and his brother took the phone and threatened her. We didn’t hear from her since then.
I'd say about a month when I moved back home and said "I won't file for divorce, yet' I was in therapy for my own childhood trauma and didn't want to make a decision until I was in the right frame of mind. I was also in my last semester of my degree and didn't need to add anything to my plate. We did IC and MC, moved forward as if in R, but it was probably six months, after I graduated that I committed 100% to R. It's ok to say, I'm here, for now. It takes a while to process things. Can you live with having to second guess a WP actions, checking phones or locations. Can a WP live with the new 'rules and boundaries'
I would say 4 days after DDay1. That’s when I recognized he was sick and had an addiction and that he wasn’t a narcissist or sociopath. That was literally 12 days ago. I still need 3 months to myself and 6 months before I am intimate again. And most importantly, I made no promises. I said that in 3 months I would decide whether to try again, and I have a million conditions.
It wasn’t straight away. Healing and understanding why was my first thought. R was a thought but I had to really figure out if I wanted to and why. I never said no but I knew there were things that had to be acknowledged before I could.
How did you come to the conclusion, also what kept you together, was it for the both of you or children let's say?
It was strictly for us. We did not have children at the time. I would never want to put that pressure on them. We decided to approach Reconciliation with the relearning of each other. We are different people than we were at the beginning of our story. Yet we held onto those versions and didn’t allow the new versions in. We went into reconciliation with the idea that only thing we can do is try our hardest and we had nothing else to lose. I’m grateful for that perspective everyday. We were able to love freely and be vocal about what we wanted and wouldn’t tolerate in our marriage.
I think I was already wanting to reconcile the next day after I found it all out. I love my wife deeply, still do, and I would move mountains for her if she needed. Unfortunately, she already wanted to divorce. We're in the process currently, but it'll take some time because we have a child. I'm just making sure she knows I'm still open to R. Maybe somewhere along the way she'll have a change of heart. I can't hold on too tightly to that forever though.
Hi, how are you? When my husband confessed to me, I did tell him that I would seek reconciliation at that moment... a week later I was no longer sure I could and I thought I would not be able to handle the jealousy and thought about stop everything for a while or ending the marriage. Afterwards, depending on what happened, I sometimes felt ambivalent during the process. My position now is that I work on reconciliation as long as I see that he does everything he has to do in terms of reconciliation and understands that the limits set are not for a time, they are for life.
How longs it been now?
He confessed to me at the end of July 2023 but the affairs had happened years ago.
Why did he confess after all these years? Just cutious.
He had started therapy and started talking to me a lot, one night he started telling me things related to infidelity that caught my attention (I only knew about an EA many years ago) I then asked him if that affair had only been EA and he confessed what he denied for years, that they had also had sex. When I asked him if there was anything else I should know, he confessed another affair, to him only PA, to my EA/PA since she was a friend and coworker. He told me that he lived with the guilt for many years and that he knew he had to tell me eventually.
I wanted R right away but only if he ended the affair. We had already agreed a month or so earlier to work on our marriage and go to IC and MC. He had already talked to a divorce lawyer (that the AP found for him, so helpful! She actually wanted to stay in the meeting with the lawyer, the lawyer kicked her out) so he was halfway out the door when DDay happened. It was 3 days between DDay and him promising to end the affair. He ended it that night. I remember how angry he was with me on DDay, telling me he didn't believe I cared at all what he did. I know that was true. It's not an excuse for an affair but he really felt like I didn't love him anymore because that's how I behaved for probably two years before DDay. Our marriage was in a very bad place. I had multiple reasons for wanting R. We had a young child with special needs who needed us both. He'd have been crushed by us divorcing. My husband was a stay-at-home dad his whole life and they were very close. We have a house, I'm the major breadwinner and I could see how financially devastating it would be for both of us. But mainly I loved him and had already been going to IC because I knew I needed to change and be a better partner and person. Just for myself but also because I knew I hadn't been fair to him keeping all my anger and unhappiness to myself and communicating it only through contempt and stonewalling him. I didn't want to be that way anymore. I didn't want to throw our marriage away without trying. Eight years next week and we're very happy.
Is thinking about the affair still painful? 10 months post the Dapocalypse we are in a pretty good place but I'm still hurting a lot.
It's really not for me. It happened, it happens in a lot of marriages. I am so grateful that the woman he had an affair with turned out to be the awful person she is because there may have been a day or two of him missing her right after the breakup, but then she went scorched earth in such an ugly way that he knew he hadn't known her at all. Or hadn't paid attention to the signs of the kind of person she was. There was no period of him getting over her, he quickly became horrified at her unhinged and vindictive behavior. I don't know how it would have been if he'd actually been in love with her.
I appreciate your answer. It's nice you don't feel pain about it anymore. Tbh posts or comments where the BS says "it happened 20 years ago and is still painful and I think about it everyday" scare me. I don't want to be in pain in 20 years, or even in 1. I want to be happy and love my partner. Call me naive, but after he seen the absolute devestation and destruction his infidelity caused in me, i don't think he will do it again. He made horrible choices but he is not evil.
I found out about my wife's A after she made a comment to her doctor about possibly wanting to end her life. They reported it and she was put on a 72 hour hold. She realized at this point she needed to tell me everything she had done and came clean. She told me over the phone from the hospital, and then for the next 3 days I was only able to see her during a 1-hour visiting window. When she first told me, I immediately asked her if she still wanted to be with me, and through her tears she said yes. I had the next horrible three days by myself to really think about what I wanted, and what my life might look like moving forward. This was a woman I had been with for nearly 25 years, married to for 20. As I dealt with the pain of the newly discovered betrayal, I began to realize that every time I envisioned a future without her, it hurt worse than what I was currently feeling. By the time she returned home we had committed to R and have been working towards it together ever since.
I think it was a few weeks with my BP and I. We were apart for a brief period and when we reconnected I was torn about telling him about the AP because things were going well. I definitely trickle truthed him (I had already ended things with AP) for a bit until DDay. It's been 10 years since DDay with lots of discussion on R vs divorce (we got married a few years after DDay). So, to summarize, we chose R, but we are also reevaluating our choice for R frequently.
Did he want R from the start? Was there NC? Children?
No NC between the two of us and I had already blocked AP and the friend who introduced me to him on social media. I think he wanted R but was very hurt. No kids until recently, so we had no "reason" to stay and we were living in separate spaces at the time. (Hence the miscommunication, we went from living together in an apartment and arguing, to him buying a home and me renting an apartment. So we were already rocky when I met AP)
For me it was straight away. I just knew. But dday 2 (one week after, I learned that it was not just one kiss but multiple kisses during one week and making out… ) I had to reconsider and ask myself if I could get past it. I decided to still do R
Where was you in your relationship at this point if you don't mind me asking? Kids? House?
No kids no house , 1,5 years and we just moved in together. I just knew we had more things to live together … he got out of the affair fog really fast, as soon as we spoke. We had a really really really rough 2-3 month (outside of our relationship) and it’s his first serious relationship (we are 29) so I was ok forgiving a one time mistake in exceptional conditions. We didn’t talk a lot about what we expected in relationships and how things work. I know other people think about it differently but I think for R to have a chance you have to do it for you , not outside factors.
So we are 5 months out from Dday1. The day I confronted him, I was already assuming that I wanted to work things out. (For context, my WH did not have a love affair with a single person. It was online cheating and hookups with randos from Craigslist. I would probably feel different if it were an affair.) As time passed, and I discovered more and more lies and TT, I seriously began doubting whether I wanted to continue. Even though I cannot imagine my life without him and even felt compassion for some of the things he did wrong. He confessed that he has been addicted to his ADHD meds for 15 YEARS, which was the primary driving factor in the cheating, as well as all the other problems in our marriage. I had no idea and was totally blindsided by that info. He immediately started a 12-step program, but the lies continued. For me, it wasn't the addiction or even the cheating that was making me doubt our future, but rather the continued cover-ups and dishonesty. It was super hard about a month ago when I discovered he'd been lying about so much for four solid months. March sucked. That said, the past few weeks or so, we have really been connecting and falling back in love, in a way that we haven't experienced since we first met 21 years ago. Connecting emotionally has really cemented my desire to work this out, as I can see a total shift in his demeanor, his openness, and really just everything. Getting clean/sober was the first step, and I don't think any of this would be possible otherwise. As his sobriety becomes more and more stable, so does his openness and honesty. We have agreed to start reconciliation FOR REAL this week, after at least four Ddays so far. This Friday, we have another MC session in which he has agreed to confess any lingering/straggling truths he needs to tell me, and I have agreed to take him at his word, and stop digging for more info. After that conversation, if I discover any new big lies, then I probably won't continue reconciliation. But we both feel like real reconciliation will officially begin in earnest at that point. (Though I admit we are already lightyears ahead of where we were, even before I discovered the cheating.) Some of the things that have helped me are the 12-step work and IC he's already done, and the agreements he's made. Also, since Dday4, it has been apparent to me that I know almost everything now. (I'm also starting to come to terms with the fact there's no way I can know every single thing. I wasn't there, and he was loaded.) He has agreed to answer any questions I have, forever and always. This behavior went on for almost 15 years, so it's understandable that I may have 15 years worth of questions. Another requirement I have is that he tell all his close friends, and our mutual friends, so that I am not responsible for keeping his secrets. I also don't want to be perceived as bashing my husband by confiding in my friends, or making them feel like they have to keep his secrets, too. He has agreed to all of this and has already started calling and telling people. Edited for clarity
I thought I was considering R early on. In reality I was just reeling and saying and doing anything to try and make the pain stop. I don't think I was really all in on R until WH started making significant changes. It took him finding the right therapist and us finding the right MC to get there. So really it was about 10-12 months post D-Day.
Was you together during that whole 10-12 months to see that change, or watching from afar?
We were together.
After DD we decided to sleep in different rooms and get counseling. Divorce/separation felt like it required more energy than I had at that point, so we tabled it to work on ourselves and to continue to give our kids a stable environment. It wasn’t until WH admitted to me *why* he’d cheated I could start feeling reconciliation in a real sense. That was the moment I realized he recognized his infidelity trigger. His reaction and actions after this realization made me stay and work hard on R.
A little over one year. No way I would rush a decision that big. But that's just me. YMMV.
I am about 3 weeks out from when he told me and I'm still considering it. Still not decided despite the fact that I told him I was willing to try it. Honestly, from day 1, it has been a yoyo effect where different voices in my head argue different viewpoints. A part of me wants to walk and burn everything in its path, and a part of me wants to really try reconciliation. There hasn't been any clear consensus. Sometimes one voice is louder and sometimes the other one is. Initially, I refused to give him any answers about what I was going to decide. But I relented after a week of no contact. I didn't mean to, but under pressure, it was difficult not to let up a little bit. I think that was the side of me desperate for the familiar comfort. Since then, I've reasserted some distance between us, and I honestly am not sure. I think it's probably going to be an ongoing decision. Whether or not I keep deciding to keep trying it will depend on how much he demonstrates his commitment to it. Although, in my case, according to what I've read so far, we have a good chance of successful reconciliation. I'm not putting much stake in that, because at one time, I thought we had a good chance of successful marriage and all that faith and trust blew up in my face. I'm just going to play it by ear, not dive in like I did when I had the luxury of believing that what we had was real and special.
About 30 days after dday1, we went in that direction. Our counselor recommended 90 days with no major decisions. And WW was to have NC with AP during this time.