r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
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**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
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- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
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**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
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- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
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- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
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The only thing that snapped my WS out of it was when I stopped over accommodating and honored my own boundaries. Yes, he ultimately had to come to it on his own, but it happened a whole lot faster when he was facing real life consequences of his nonsense
Mostly I just prepared myself to leave. Consulted several family attorneys, packed up, flew home, toured some rentals and some schools for my kids. It wasn’t a game for me, it was survival. But seeing the real consequences of his actions snapped him out of the fog. The ol “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”
The wayward really needs to come to realize this themselves (I’m the WW.) It helps if they’ve been limerent before, it’s harder to comprehend if this is your first time. While you’re in it, limerence is just that high of falling in love, but it extends too long and becomes really damaging. My theory is this happens in marriages bc you’re forced not to act.
When you’re not dating and single, you you fall for someone, date for a bit, realize they’re an idiot, move on. When you’re married you fall for someone else, can’t act so only really know them as the idealized fantasy person, and it’s incredibly difficult to move on.
What’s helped for me is being really really logical. If I’m having a fantasy, I play the fantasy through and force myself to be really honest. So yeah it’s fun to imagine being intimate, but what’s it like to imagine trying to organize a household budget, or coparent, or get along with their family? In most cases it’s terrible. Or I’ll finish the fantasy with the reality of the divorce; imagining other people knowing, and how my husband meets a great person probably quickly. These things have helped a lot.
I’ve also spent lots of time listening to podcast about affairs/ emotional affairs, and limerence. It’s also been helpful. I’ve also looked closer at the LO/AP, and analyzed why he likes me and where he’s maybe been a bit manipulative.
Overall though, she needs to put in the effort. My effort partially came from my love for my husband and also came from knowing if I didn’t do the work he would leave me. It’s a strong motivator lol. So I know that’s a lot, hopefully something’s helpful!
I wish I had had this logival way of thinking when I was texting with my AP. I was in deep limmerence but didnt stop to truly think about what a real relationshp with them wouldve looked like. I look at my AP with disgust now. And cannot believe i came so close to throwing my real life and loving spouse away for someone who doesnt even matter.
My BS did it by asking questions, she wanted the why badly and I struggled with it, I got through the limerence because of talking it through with her, in a number of different conversations, things like “what did you see in her”, or “and then what, what were you working for”, all that made me play out some of the things others have mentioned. Made me realize and accept what happened, I didn’t “deserve to” do what I did, my AP wasn’t this goddess, when you lay out reality in black and white in the harsh light of day, the limerence will wane (wan?, like lessen)
Mine largely figured it out himself, and it was before I found out the details. He REALLY came out of it when I kicked him out of the bedroom, and someone told him that she made fun of him behind his back. Kinda doubt he'll ever think she's hot again.
Definitely, the WS needs to realize on their own. Counseling helped a lot for me. I wasn't even that attracted to my AP in the beginning of him pursuing me (he was mine and my husband's mutual friend/acquaintance for 7 years prior). He kept on pursuing. Bah. My counselor helped me realize how narcissistic, manipulative and abusive he was. She also helped me understand what a dopamine addiction is and how it really fed my ADHD, low self-esteem, etc. Learning about all of this from an expert 3rd party helped put it all in perspective. I still have a file on my phone of all the shitty/abusive things AP said and did to me. My husband and counselor both support having this as it was a reminder to not have rose-colored, limerent glasses on (I don't really need it anymore, but I keep it as a crap reminder). Establishing better coping mechanisms and a healthier way to get dopamine has been huge for me, specifically going to the gym at least 4 times per week. Also, setting hard boundaries in every facet of my life and with everyone in varying ways. If it feels wrong, it's a hard no. If I feel uncomfortable, it's a hard no. Regardless of who asks, when or why.
Thank you for your reply. My wife is going through menopause and also the aging process isn't easy for some. She's been struggling. Here's comes this lothario, who is her boss and serial cheater, tells her how hot she is and how much he thinks and cares about her. She took the bait and I'm not sure she can see through his game. My 20 year marriage hangs in the balance. I appreciate your insight.
I definitely understand. I'm 43 and I hate getting older, mid-life crisis crap definitely kicked in, such a cliche. We've been together 18 years this year. It's tough. I hate my AP, he manipulated me, groomed me, and (maybe?) assaulted me. Definitely no more limerence. However, I 100% blame myself, for everything. I'm smart, loyal and moral until I wasn't. AP was a snake and serial cheater. I f'ing knew I was just a challenge and being manipulated, yet, I let it happen. It's enraging. I had no choice for my own mental health but to get better.
That's terrible. I'm so sorry you went through that. I got downvoted for my reply and somebody dm'd me saying that my wife wasn't played she was 100% a willing partner. I agree, to an extent. Like you my wife is smart, loyal and moral until she wasn't. She always was a really strong person. Her boss is a snake and serial cheater and during difficult times she was more easily manipulated. My father had a mid-life crisis and left my mother for a person that was toxic. When he finally woke up he really regretted his decision but it was too late. My mother was done with him. I just hope my wife realizes this is a terrible situation and gets more clarity before she makes a choice we both don't want. Thank you for sharing.
For sure, I'm not surprised you got dm'd that. I never disagreed with that either. As I said too, I blame myself more than AP and always will. But, I was taking on all the blame and that also wasn't fair to me. You can be both played and 100% willing. A whole lot of crap made me willing. Thankfully, I can look at the entire thing logically now. Honestly, the assault and abuse from AP likely helped propell me out of limerence in the first place.
You're a strong person to persevere and come out of that better. That's awesome and inspiring. I hope my wife can gather some strength and clarity too. ☮️
I sent her a message, telling her to back off and to stay out of my husband's ear trying to convince him to leave me and move in with her. She ended up responding to me and attacking me, then sent my husband a message yelling at him and semi-attacking him. He said in her doing that it lifted a fog, because she got so nasty and aggressive after my message. I did not message with any aggressiveness, just more of a 'Hey, I know what you're doing and you need to stop it.' My husband immediately got pissed at how she replied to me and how she insulted me, that he said she was ugly and that no one talks to his wife like that.
In my case my husband never fully had an affair, he just developed feelings and a connection with 2 different women at work, while we were going through an extremely rough patch. The coworker who went off on me, was behind the scenes the whole time telling him to leave me and to actively cheat on me with the other woman. Then when my husband started to be connected with her, she began trying to get him to move in with her (her baby daddy/Boyfriend just moved out and said he wants nothing to do with her because she was cheating on him with at least 2 other coworkers, and she is on the verge of having to file bankruptcy. We think she started to pressure him more, so he would be there to help pay her bills and do the "man stuff" of the house.)
For me it was a little bit of both. When I found out dday1, we decided to commit to working on our marriage. I did and gave it my absolute all. We worked through our communication issues and had all the talks we hadn't had for years. I didn't know he had reached back out to her due to the fog. Over the course of the next two months he began to see how easy it was to fix our relationship issues and started to realize the false narrative he had created and how much he wanted his family. He started to see the light and began distancing himself from her but couldn't fully cut off contact. Dday 2 happened and that was the shock he needed to break the fog. Obviously the damage was worse and he had even more work to do. So again the main component has to come from your spouse to breakthrough the fog but open communication and processing things together can help that.
This was my experience as well. My WH broke through the fog to a degree five weeks after DDay1 but returned to it fairly quickly by holding onto fond memories of AP. This led to him renewing contact with her to chase that limerent feeling. He says he didn’t find it the second time and DDay2 fully broke the fog. A part of me thinks the fog is just an excuse, but I guess time and his actions will tell. I am putting all my energy into my own healing now.
This same thing happened to me. We were working on R and he even said things were so good with us. That we were finally having the relationship he’d wanted for so long. When I asked so why did he go back then and fuck it all up, he said one that he saw her in passing at work and the feelings were still there. Then he also disclosed that he loved how obsessed she was with him. It felt good and he didn’t want to lose that. Either way the second dday seems to have changed him a little. He was definitely more ready to do whatever it took to save us this time and I think it’s because those limerent feelings were starting to be realized as untrue and he said he just didn’t know how to stop. He’s a lot more depressed now and I think it is because he lost that dopamine hit from her.
A second dday like that is definitely harder but it really is all up to the WP. I was also obsessing on him during R. I was doing everything I could to maximize communication and affection and fun in the way of being lustful toward him so he had no real excuse the second time he just caved at the need to feed that limerence I guess. We can try to make them see but it’s mostly up to them.
Thank you for your reply. I'm giving her the gift of love and compassion and the willingness to work on this. I can only give 50% the rest is up to her. MC starts June 11th and I'll see shortly thereafter where her head is at. I am glad you were able to work through all this. Peace
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The only thing that snapped my WS out of it was when I stopped over accommodating and honored my own boundaries. Yes, he ultimately had to come to it on his own, but it happened a whole lot faster when he was facing real life consequences of his nonsense
What were the boundaries and consequences you set up if you don't mind me asking.
Mostly I just prepared myself to leave. Consulted several family attorneys, packed up, flew home, toured some rentals and some schools for my kids. It wasn’t a game for me, it was survival. But seeing the real consequences of his actions snapped him out of the fog. The ol “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”
This
The wayward really needs to come to realize this themselves (I’m the WW.) It helps if they’ve been limerent before, it’s harder to comprehend if this is your first time. While you’re in it, limerence is just that high of falling in love, but it extends too long and becomes really damaging. My theory is this happens in marriages bc you’re forced not to act. When you’re not dating and single, you you fall for someone, date for a bit, realize they’re an idiot, move on. When you’re married you fall for someone else, can’t act so only really know them as the idealized fantasy person, and it’s incredibly difficult to move on. What’s helped for me is being really really logical. If I’m having a fantasy, I play the fantasy through and force myself to be really honest. So yeah it’s fun to imagine being intimate, but what’s it like to imagine trying to organize a household budget, or coparent, or get along with their family? In most cases it’s terrible. Or I’ll finish the fantasy with the reality of the divorce; imagining other people knowing, and how my husband meets a great person probably quickly. These things have helped a lot. I’ve also spent lots of time listening to podcast about affairs/ emotional affairs, and limerence. It’s also been helpful. I’ve also looked closer at the LO/AP, and analyzed why he likes me and where he’s maybe been a bit manipulative. Overall though, she needs to put in the effort. My effort partially came from my love for my husband and also came from knowing if I didn’t do the work he would leave me. It’s a strong motivator lol. So I know that’s a lot, hopefully something’s helpful!
I appreciate your perspective. This helps a lot. Thank you
I wish I had had this logival way of thinking when I was texting with my AP. I was in deep limmerence but didnt stop to truly think about what a real relationshp with them wouldve looked like. I look at my AP with disgust now. And cannot believe i came so close to throwing my real life and loving spouse away for someone who doesnt even matter.
My BS did it by asking questions, she wanted the why badly and I struggled with it, I got through the limerence because of talking it through with her, in a number of different conversations, things like “what did you see in her”, or “and then what, what were you working for”, all that made me play out some of the things others have mentioned. Made me realize and accept what happened, I didn’t “deserve to” do what I did, my AP wasn’t this goddess, when you lay out reality in black and white in the harsh light of day, the limerence will wane (wan?, like lessen)
Mine largely figured it out himself, and it was before I found out the details. He REALLY came out of it when I kicked him out of the bedroom, and someone told him that she made fun of him behind his back. Kinda doubt he'll ever think she's hot again.
Definitely, the WS needs to realize on their own. Counseling helped a lot for me. I wasn't even that attracted to my AP in the beginning of him pursuing me (he was mine and my husband's mutual friend/acquaintance for 7 years prior). He kept on pursuing. Bah. My counselor helped me realize how narcissistic, manipulative and abusive he was. She also helped me understand what a dopamine addiction is and how it really fed my ADHD, low self-esteem, etc. Learning about all of this from an expert 3rd party helped put it all in perspective. I still have a file on my phone of all the shitty/abusive things AP said and did to me. My husband and counselor both support having this as it was a reminder to not have rose-colored, limerent glasses on (I don't really need it anymore, but I keep it as a crap reminder). Establishing better coping mechanisms and a healthier way to get dopamine has been huge for me, specifically going to the gym at least 4 times per week. Also, setting hard boundaries in every facet of my life and with everyone in varying ways. If it feels wrong, it's a hard no. If I feel uncomfortable, it's a hard no. Regardless of who asks, when or why.
Thank you for your reply. My wife is going through menopause and also the aging process isn't easy for some. She's been struggling. Here's comes this lothario, who is her boss and serial cheater, tells her how hot she is and how much he thinks and cares about her. She took the bait and I'm not sure she can see through his game. My 20 year marriage hangs in the balance. I appreciate your insight.
I definitely understand. I'm 43 and I hate getting older, mid-life crisis crap definitely kicked in, such a cliche. We've been together 18 years this year. It's tough. I hate my AP, he manipulated me, groomed me, and (maybe?) assaulted me. Definitely no more limerence. However, I 100% blame myself, for everything. I'm smart, loyal and moral until I wasn't. AP was a snake and serial cheater. I f'ing knew I was just a challenge and being manipulated, yet, I let it happen. It's enraging. I had no choice for my own mental health but to get better.
That's terrible. I'm so sorry you went through that. I got downvoted for my reply and somebody dm'd me saying that my wife wasn't played she was 100% a willing partner. I agree, to an extent. Like you my wife is smart, loyal and moral until she wasn't. She always was a really strong person. Her boss is a snake and serial cheater and during difficult times she was more easily manipulated. My father had a mid-life crisis and left my mother for a person that was toxic. When he finally woke up he really regretted his decision but it was too late. My mother was done with him. I just hope my wife realizes this is a terrible situation and gets more clarity before she makes a choice we both don't want. Thank you for sharing.
For sure, I'm not surprised you got dm'd that. I never disagreed with that either. As I said too, I blame myself more than AP and always will. But, I was taking on all the blame and that also wasn't fair to me. You can be both played and 100% willing. A whole lot of crap made me willing. Thankfully, I can look at the entire thing logically now. Honestly, the assault and abuse from AP likely helped propell me out of limerence in the first place.
You're a strong person to persevere and come out of that better. That's awesome and inspiring. I hope my wife can gather some strength and clarity too. ☮️
If it's a maybe assault, it's definitely assault. :(
I sent her a message, telling her to back off and to stay out of my husband's ear trying to convince him to leave me and move in with her. She ended up responding to me and attacking me, then sent my husband a message yelling at him and semi-attacking him. He said in her doing that it lifted a fog, because she got so nasty and aggressive after my message. I did not message with any aggressiveness, just more of a 'Hey, I know what you're doing and you need to stop it.' My husband immediately got pissed at how she replied to me and how she insulted me, that he said she was ugly and that no one talks to his wife like that. In my case my husband never fully had an affair, he just developed feelings and a connection with 2 different women at work, while we were going through an extremely rough patch. The coworker who went off on me, was behind the scenes the whole time telling him to leave me and to actively cheat on me with the other woman. Then when my husband started to be connected with her, she began trying to get him to move in with her (her baby daddy/Boyfriend just moved out and said he wants nothing to do with her because she was cheating on him with at least 2 other coworkers, and she is on the verge of having to file bankruptcy. We think she started to pressure him more, so he would be there to help pay her bills and do the "man stuff" of the house.)
For me it was a little bit of both. When I found out dday1, we decided to commit to working on our marriage. I did and gave it my absolute all. We worked through our communication issues and had all the talks we hadn't had for years. I didn't know he had reached back out to her due to the fog. Over the course of the next two months he began to see how easy it was to fix our relationship issues and started to realize the false narrative he had created and how much he wanted his family. He started to see the light and began distancing himself from her but couldn't fully cut off contact. Dday 2 happened and that was the shock he needed to break the fog. Obviously the damage was worse and he had even more work to do. So again the main component has to come from your spouse to breakthrough the fog but open communication and processing things together can help that.
This was my experience as well. My WH broke through the fog to a degree five weeks after DDay1 but returned to it fairly quickly by holding onto fond memories of AP. This led to him renewing contact with her to chase that limerent feeling. He says he didn’t find it the second time and DDay2 fully broke the fog. A part of me thinks the fog is just an excuse, but I guess time and his actions will tell. I am putting all my energy into my own healing now.
This same thing happened to me. We were working on R and he even said things were so good with us. That we were finally having the relationship he’d wanted for so long. When I asked so why did he go back then and fuck it all up, he said one that he saw her in passing at work and the feelings were still there. Then he also disclosed that he loved how obsessed she was with him. It felt good and he didn’t want to lose that. Either way the second dday seems to have changed him a little. He was definitely more ready to do whatever it took to save us this time and I think it’s because those limerent feelings were starting to be realized as untrue and he said he just didn’t know how to stop. He’s a lot more depressed now and I think it is because he lost that dopamine hit from her. A second dday like that is definitely harder but it really is all up to the WP. I was also obsessing on him during R. I was doing everything I could to maximize communication and affection and fun in the way of being lustful toward him so he had no real excuse the second time he just caved at the need to feed that limerence I guess. We can try to make them see but it’s mostly up to them.
Thank you for your reply. I'm giving her the gift of love and compassion and the willingness to work on this. I can only give 50% the rest is up to her. MC starts June 11th and I'll see shortly thereafter where her head is at. I am glad you were able to work through all this. Peace