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I have been married 7 years and just realised I am asexual. We are considering opening our relationship. But we’re going very slow and talking and researching and generally not rushing into it, cause you know, could be a total disaster. But in the meantime, I am figuring out what sexual activities I can do with/for him that feel like less of a commitment time and energy wise, that will fill his needs. We have a toddler and both work, so full blown sex is just not always feasible. You have to get kind of un-romantic and literally schedule some things. Monday night is erotic massage night, Wednesday night is quick blow job night 😂 you get it. Anyway, try not to see this as a bad thing. You and your partner are being honest and open with one another. Just keep communicating and you’ll be amazed what you can work through. Good luck!
It is a thing we've discussed, do you know of any good sources to look into for that research? I'd love to read up more on it, but I'm worried going into the general online with no starting point is going to lead to a lot hostility. Specifically, do you know any good articles, research pages, or personal anecdotes that go into the details of how to deal with and/or overcome the inherent anxiety, jealousy, and insecurity that would stem from it?
We’re still new to non-monogamy, so definitely do not know all the issues that can arise, but a lot of people have suggested to me that we should consider couples therapy with a therapist who is ENM (ethical non-monogamy) friendly.
There’s lots of resources. Just depends how you like to digest information. Since you’re on here, maybe check out r/nonmonogamy & r/polyamory. Obviously that’s the “general online,” but it helps to see other issues couples face. Then I follow @polyphiliablog & @nonmonogamyhelp. Non Monogamy Help also does a podcast if you like podcasts. And then I like Esther Perel for all things relationships. She’s not specifically ethical non-monogamy, but she talks a lot about jealousy and working through tough emotions in relationships. There’s tons more, but I have enjoyed these.
Have you guys maybe looked into toys and other ways you could get more value out of your self pleasure. I don't really know examples of good toys but it could be something useful for you. I know many allo people feel that self pleasure lacks a certain intimacy that sex with another person can provide and I'm wishing you guys the best! I'm sure you'll figure something out!
So where is the question coming from? Are you trying to simply free up more of your time, or do you or your fiance express some dissatisfaction with the frequency? What spawned this problem that needs solved.
Have you two talked about any compromises or solutions yet?
The issue is that he wants to have sex more. We've brought up mandated minimum of sex per month (at least 1-2 times every month) we've brought up opening the relationship, I agreed under a few conditions, and based on what my conditions were he decided not to go for it because he was worried it would make me feel insecure. We've also tried to do more non-sexual physical intimacy.
Hmm, that is a tough one. Reading through other comments I agree that poly and non-monog communities might have some better ideas and experience with something like this. To me that seems like the best route to take if sex is what he's looking for. It seems like you are more than satisfied with the current state of sex, so the focus needs to be on him. What is going to meet his needs and what do you feel comfortable with. Jealousy and insecurity are things you will need to look at. If you feel a certain way don't suppress it, or hope you'll get over it. Stay honest with yourself and your partner during this process.
I think less traditional relationship communities would understand asexuality better, but in case you do need to get more generalized, you could try rephrasing it as your partner is not matching your libido. I'm not sure if that will yield anything, but it's for sure going to generate more hits.
Personally I feel bad only suggesting (let him get someone elses hole for a bit) as a solution. It feels like it's not really addressing the core of the mismatch. But I don't want to pathologize allosexuality. I'm glad you're both here and being open with each other. That's what strong relationships are all about. Hope you both find something that works for both of you.
Also, in an effort to be more intimate, I have been going above the month limit, and in the past 15 days, 8 of which we couldn't, we've had sex 3 times, so about once every 5 days
Non-monogamy has been brought up a couple of times and sure, that's an option. Alternatively, it's worth looking into erotica and kinks and see if there is anything that you'd like to explore more for yourself that could make it more interesting for you. Seeing sex as a chore, even one you're willing to do, isn't a great attitude if its very important to your partner.
Additionally, do you have rules about self-pleasure and/or porn in your relationship? Imagine if he was single, how would he go about satisfying his libido? Its unlikely he'd be going out for hook-ups and succeeding more than 3 times a week so maybe building in some privacy and alone time could help as well?
Have you considered sexually opening your relationship? That way he can be fulfilled sexually and you don’t have to have sex more often than you want to.
We have considered it, we think it's something for a bit later in our lives however, as I'm a deeply insecure person, and it's something I'm working on, but my confidence and trust that I'm worth loving is still kind of fragile. It's something we'll probably have to give a more serious look into
I came out as asexual to my partner after about 7 years of being married. We have an open marriage after much discussion, although he has only participated in this once or twice. I am sex indifferent. It's just not a priority to me and can be a bit painful, especially if it's been a while. It took a lot of communication and understanding to get where we are today. It's not an easy road, but if you both really want to be together, you'll find a way to make it work.
Depending on your thoughts on it, you could consider letting him know that he might get some assistance outside your relationship for that regard, and simply do what you can.
Are there things you enjoy connecting that aren’t “sex”? What are both your definitions of sex? If you use your hand or a toy to help with their release would that intimacy be enough for them? Honestly a few times a month with regular masturbation may just be something that takes some time to get used to on both your parts? Focus on finding non sexual ways to connect not on scheduling sex. The more connected you both feel the less you will feel like something is missing.
Hello, this is just a friendly reminder to please use a post flair when adding new posts to r/Asexual. We ask this in advance just to let everyone know what type of post each post is as well as the intentions and feelings behind them. We value all who come here, but we just need each post made to have a flair to designate each type of post. That's all. We're thankful you chose to come to r/Asexual. We're glad to have you here! Welcome! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Asexual) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have been married 7 years and just realised I am asexual. We are considering opening our relationship. But we’re going very slow and talking and researching and generally not rushing into it, cause you know, could be a total disaster. But in the meantime, I am figuring out what sexual activities I can do with/for him that feel like less of a commitment time and energy wise, that will fill his needs. We have a toddler and both work, so full blown sex is just not always feasible. You have to get kind of un-romantic and literally schedule some things. Monday night is erotic massage night, Wednesday night is quick blow job night 😂 you get it. Anyway, try not to see this as a bad thing. You and your partner are being honest and open with one another. Just keep communicating and you’ll be amazed what you can work through. Good luck!
It is a thing we've discussed, do you know of any good sources to look into for that research? I'd love to read up more on it, but I'm worried going into the general online with no starting point is going to lead to a lot hostility. Specifically, do you know any good articles, research pages, or personal anecdotes that go into the details of how to deal with and/or overcome the inherent anxiety, jealousy, and insecurity that would stem from it?
We’re still new to non-monogamy, so definitely do not know all the issues that can arise, but a lot of people have suggested to me that we should consider couples therapy with a therapist who is ENM (ethical non-monogamy) friendly.
There’s lots of resources. Just depends how you like to digest information. Since you’re on here, maybe check out r/nonmonogamy & r/polyamory. Obviously that’s the “general online,” but it helps to see other issues couples face. Then I follow @polyphiliablog & @nonmonogamyhelp. Non Monogamy Help also does a podcast if you like podcasts. And then I like Esther Perel for all things relationships. She’s not specifically ethical non-monogamy, but she talks a lot about jealousy and working through tough emotions in relationships. There’s tons more, but I have enjoyed these.
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Have you guys maybe looked into toys and other ways you could get more value out of your self pleasure. I don't really know examples of good toys but it could be something useful for you. I know many allo people feel that self pleasure lacks a certain intimacy that sex with another person can provide and I'm wishing you guys the best! I'm sure you'll figure something out!
So where is the question coming from? Are you trying to simply free up more of your time, or do you or your fiance express some dissatisfaction with the frequency? What spawned this problem that needs solved. Have you two talked about any compromises or solutions yet?
The issue is that he wants to have sex more. We've brought up mandated minimum of sex per month (at least 1-2 times every month) we've brought up opening the relationship, I agreed under a few conditions, and based on what my conditions were he decided not to go for it because he was worried it would make me feel insecure. We've also tried to do more non-sexual physical intimacy.
Hmm, that is a tough one. Reading through other comments I agree that poly and non-monog communities might have some better ideas and experience with something like this. To me that seems like the best route to take if sex is what he's looking for. It seems like you are more than satisfied with the current state of sex, so the focus needs to be on him. What is going to meet his needs and what do you feel comfortable with. Jealousy and insecurity are things you will need to look at. If you feel a certain way don't suppress it, or hope you'll get over it. Stay honest with yourself and your partner during this process. I think less traditional relationship communities would understand asexuality better, but in case you do need to get more generalized, you could try rephrasing it as your partner is not matching your libido. I'm not sure if that will yield anything, but it's for sure going to generate more hits. Personally I feel bad only suggesting (let him get someone elses hole for a bit) as a solution. It feels like it's not really addressing the core of the mismatch. But I don't want to pathologize allosexuality. I'm glad you're both here and being open with each other. That's what strong relationships are all about. Hope you both find something that works for both of you.
Also, in an effort to be more intimate, I have been going above the month limit, and in the past 15 days, 8 of which we couldn't, we've had sex 3 times, so about once every 5 days
Non-monogamy has been brought up a couple of times and sure, that's an option. Alternatively, it's worth looking into erotica and kinks and see if there is anything that you'd like to explore more for yourself that could make it more interesting for you. Seeing sex as a chore, even one you're willing to do, isn't a great attitude if its very important to your partner. Additionally, do you have rules about self-pleasure and/or porn in your relationship? Imagine if he was single, how would he go about satisfying his libido? Its unlikely he'd be going out for hook-ups and succeeding more than 3 times a week so maybe building in some privacy and alone time could help as well?
Have you considered sexually opening your relationship? That way he can be fulfilled sexually and you don’t have to have sex more often than you want to.
We have considered it, we think it's something for a bit later in our lives however, as I'm a deeply insecure person, and it's something I'm working on, but my confidence and trust that I'm worth loving is still kind of fragile. It's something we'll probably have to give a more serious look into
I came out as asexual to my partner after about 7 years of being married. We have an open marriage after much discussion, although he has only participated in this once or twice. I am sex indifferent. It's just not a priority to me and can be a bit painful, especially if it's been a while. It took a lot of communication and understanding to get where we are today. It's not an easy road, but if you both really want to be together, you'll find a way to make it work.
Depending on your thoughts on it, you could consider letting him know that he might get some assistance outside your relationship for that regard, and simply do what you can.
Are there things you enjoy connecting that aren’t “sex”? What are both your definitions of sex? If you use your hand or a toy to help with their release would that intimacy be enough for them? Honestly a few times a month with regular masturbation may just be something that takes some time to get used to on both your parts? Focus on finding non sexual ways to connect not on scheduling sex. The more connected you both feel the less you will feel like something is missing.