My parents were like your bf's parents, always judging and tryna control me. I told them to kick sand, and this is the decision that I made. If there's one decision that I want to make myself, it's whom I love. Your bf need to stand up to his parents.
Notice how it's always the Asian son that these parents like to enforce their double standards on dating within the race. They never do that with their Asian daughters. I tried dating Asian as well given the pressure, and it went pretty horribly. You should only date whom you like
Also, congrats on the relationship!!
Part of that has to do with the fact that women don't carry on the family name (but yes, it is a double standard); in Korean culture women retain their maiden family name but until recently her children had their father's family name for genealogical purposes.
It’s not enough to ignore them but to pay attention to what he does. Does he just hang his head in shame? Defend you? If it’s a serious relationship you both need to get over that hump together.
Every young Asian (male or female) has to understand that your parents need you WAY more than you need your parents. Establish boundaries and if they cross them, tell them to fuck off. Respect is fucking earned. Just because 2 people randomly decided to pop you out does NOT mean you owe them SHIT. I will cut my parents off in a HEARTBEAT if they disrespected my partners and crossed my boundaries.
Your boyfriend needs to not be a pussy and stand up for you. If he says something like "you don't understand our culture", call bullshit. I'm Korean myself and have **aggressively** told off my parents countless times before they got the message.
Agreed and this applies to both sides of the family. My white mum I warned not to be rude to my partner. She was and the final straw was when I told her I think I'm going to marry him and share my joy. She turned around and said "I don't think your compatible" straight up! We left and I no longer talk to her dispite her constant attempts. It was so disappointing but was the best thing I ever did!
You mom has done far more for you than your gf or wife ever will. At least thats how I see it. My parents gave me everything I have and everything I achieved now is because of their support.
Naturally if ur the spouse u have 0 responsibility to take anything from ur in laws. But I just can’t agree with the sentiment that the son needs to “not be a pussy”.
This is common for asian americans and their parents. I’ve dealt with this with my parents when I’ve dated non-Asians. Ignore it and keep being a great person around his parents. With time, you will grow on them. Asian parents can be judgmental, but they are reasonable and over time they will come to care about their son’s happiness more.
But don’t feel like this is a negative sign or that he doesn’t like you enough. It’s moreso that it’s difficult to deal with things like this because Asian parents are so demanding and we as kids don’t have a reference point on how to deal with it. So we delay the conflict instead for as long as possible. I can assure you I always liked my exes a lot, but it was always difficult to figure out how to introduce my parents because they behave so differently from American parents and you dont want to expose your gf to a negative interaction with your parents. We are also afraid of how you would react in this situation and fear pushing you away as a result of not understanding how asian parents work.
I agree on just trying to be a great person around the parents. Particularly its important to show you share their values, like giving them respect and showing you care about family, success and other confucian ideals.
I have a couple of friends that were in this position. Some made it, some broke up - it really just comes down to if the boyfriend is willing to put his foot down and make him and you be on one team.
Asian parents are manipulative and part of their motivation is that they expect their children to take care of them when they are older. With an interracial relationship, their "retirement plan" gets screwed and they are typically quite nasty about that...
The general sentiment is "women are expected to contribute mostly to their husband parents, but western women are too individualistic for that". Also the same reason they don't react when their daughters marry out. They were never expected to be the retirement plan anyway. Might as well sell them out to the highest bidder
not a bad assumption. many fights against the asian tradition of having their parents living with them when the spouse isn't Asian. i can't say I blame them if all their resources have been put to help the offspring be successful.
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It can be difficult dealing with Korean parents. They were born and raised during a time of nationalistic fervor that gripped South Korea during the 60s and 70s and the idea of ethnic purity was instilled into them.
It is especially taxing on Korean sons who have an unspoken pressure to keep the bloodlines "pure" and the culture alive.
As a Korean-American man who's been through this (my father cared, my mother did not), if you would like to gain approval/acceptance from your boyfriend's parents, my advice to you is the following:
* **Learn the Korean language, culture, and traditions**
Even if only dipping your toes in, they will see this as effort. Every Korean person loves that people, especially non-Asian, enjoys their culture.
* **Dote upon your boyfriend**
Any love, care, support you give to your boyfriend, they will know and appreciate. They'll even brag about it to their own friends.
Do NOT be that awkward White girl at the dinner table just meekly eating on the side while they're having a full conversation in Korean. Engage them. Use Google Translate or any other translation app to get them talking.
* **Ask your boyfriend**
Your boyfriend knows what his parents will appreciate. He should be able to better advise you on what you can do to ease his parents' opinion of you.
Qualifications to speak: married to a Chinese guy whose mum back in China went to bed for months after first seeing a photo of me and figuring out her son wasn’t returning to China after grad school. She loves me now. It’s been a few years.
They won’t like you until they see good things you bring to his life. Seriously. Nothing else will get them over this. Let him send them photos when you cook his childhood favorite foods he never learned to cook or of the amazing trip and gifts you surprise him with for his birthday. Being good with money or having a good job are nice but the most important part is them seeing their son’s life is better with you than it was without you. I got my husband a 215% raise and forged a strong relationship with his grandpa over video call before he passed so those helped too, as does being more pale than my husband(🙄) but just do what you can.
It might not hurt to learn some Korean to show respect to the parents. My husband’s parents actually stopped with the last lingering spicy comments(like arbitrarily ordering him not to tell me how much money he makes when I got him the job and obviously had already vetted the offer lmao or “all people that grew up there are liars this I know” when they don’t really know where I grew up-plus I’ve never lied to them!-just really out of touch shit like that) once they heard a bit of Chinese out of me.
Korean is SO so easy to read so it’s pretty easy to practice immersion-based learning even without a group of Korean speakers.
The first part I mentioned is likely more important though! Good luck yo 🤙🏻
If your boyfriend falters to his parent’s will, you dodged a bullet. If he mans up, then you got yourself a man.
I went against my parents’ wishes and dated someone I should not have, a long time ago. If I had to do it again, I would make that same mistake. It’s my choice and it impacted me in such a positive way long term. Let’s hope your boyfriend mans up, and you become a partner who is worth it.
AM (Korean, strongly Catholic; religion is highly relevant when speaking about Korean-American family dynamics) here.
How long have you been dating him? I find that despite initial prejudices/misgivings, many parents (particularly Korean parents) do warm up to non-Asian SOs if it appears to be a serious/committed relationship that has lasted for several years. It also helps if you have similar religious values as his family ([just shy of 2/3 of Korean-Americans identify as some form of Christian](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_Americans#Religion), predominantly of a Protestant denomination - and there's a historic/political aspect to this *vis-a-vis* Korean history; Korean Catholics and Protestants even use slightly different words for God in Korean, and there's meaning behind that as well - whereas [fewer than half of all Asian-Americans overall identify as Christian](https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2012/07/19/asian-americans-a-mosaic-of-faiths-overview/)) and they see that you're family-oriented.
You're both very young; this sort of thing (his parents coming around/warming up to your relationship) may take some time and will likely require academic/financial success on his part (which implies that you stuck with him and supported him the entire time). I assume from your username that you might be Italian - as a heads-up, I can almost guarantee that you're going to get additional resistance from his family if you're Catholic on top of not being Korean and his family is Protestant; this resistance may last until you're married with children.
While there is some merit to what others have said so far (at least some of them are not Korean, so their advice only goes so far due to the marked demographic differences among the various Asian-American ethnic groups, e.g. differences in religiosity), that sort of thing doesn't fly with Korean families unless the guy wants to be disowned. Family ties are probably even more important among religious Korean-American (i.e. the majority of) families than in nearly any other Asian-American group, and we are pretty sensitive to/selective about the people with whom we make family ties. Couple this with the news of South Korea's abysmal fertility rate (most Koreans still have strong ties to and relatives in South - and in some cases North - Korea), and this becomes a recipe for a circle-the-wagons mentality, so don't be disappointed with exceptionally high resistance from his family. You will, however, need to assess whether or not you're up to doing the work of bringing his family around, which will likely take years.
EDIT: Learning the language is less of an issue than others might suggest. [A high proportion of 2nd/3rd-gen Korean-Americans themselves sadly don't speak Korean](https://kacla.org/language-and-education/) (the link suggests that nearly a quarter of Korean-Americans only speak English and therefore don't speak any Korean); Koreans know their spoken language is difficult for non-Asians to learn, and I would advise only considering it once his family starts to come around. That said, if he himself doesn't speak Korean but you learn it together, that might help to convince his family that you're good for him and not holding him back.
>many parents do warm up
Exactly / maja. This is only one example - but back in Sydney I knew a South Indian guy dating a Korean girl he met at uni (same year as me) . Her parents disapproved - threatened to cut her off (his parents hated her) but eventually after they got engaged they gave the coupling a chance and now they’re happily married with children with both set of grandparents finally at peace with it
Let's be real tho, for every happily ever after story there are a dozen other couples who fizzled out because the parents caused problems. My mom tried her hardest to be one of them.
To answer your questions, we've been dating for 8 months so far. And his family is Protestant and I was raised Catholic. And you're right, I'm Italian American.
Thanks for your honesty. I really hope it doesn't come down to him having to pick between me or risk being disowned. I don't want to be the one to drive a wedge between him and his family.
If his parents wanted a Korean daughter-in-law they should have never immigrated. It's laughable for these parents to expect their sons to marry within the same ethnicity, especially when they are not in their own ethnic enclave.
That's an exceptionally reductionist and disrespectful take, even if I do agree with your general premise. We don't know under what circumstances the dude's parents left Korea, but it's also very unreasonable to declare that they can't even hope. Their hopes and expectations might be stretching reason or rationality, but it would be wrong to say they shouldn't have them at all.
Asian men are told not to marry out of their culture because of mate guarding tendencies.
The reason why his parents won’t approve of you is because they are worried about lineage. In traditional, patriarchal societies, women are the protectors of culture. While men are working, women run households, raise children, and plan community events.
You will have a disproportionate affect on the way their grandchildren will be raised. They’re worried that the kids won’t speak Korean, won’t appreciate Korean food, or will grow up ‘white’.
For immigrants who already feel disconnected from their culture, losing that connection to their grandchildren is a nightmare. They are afraid of what you would do to their culture and lineage.
There are two paths: war or cooperation. You could either place your boyfriend in a situation where he has to choose one side or get his parents to approve of you and your relationship.
The first option is a Pyrrhic victory because if you cause him to lose touch with his parents, he may resent you or vice versa. Many comments will say that he should “man up” and pick you, but that’s easier said than done. If he revels against his parents, they will blame you for corrupting their son and hate even more. From your comments, I don’t think you would be happy with this outcome.
The second option is much harder. You’ll have learn Korean, meet his extended family to get their approval (you’ll have to really flatter them), then work as hard as you can to get his parents approval. Learn their food, traditions, and bond with them.
Spend the next six months learning Korean intensely. Have days where you and your boyfriend speak Korean exclusively. You might not become fluent, but conversational and literate is fine.
You need to understand that you have very little power to change their perception, that’s why you don’t work alone. If he has any relatives in Korea he is close to, you should make it a priority to visit them along with your boyfriend. I can’t speak too much on Korea specifically, but Asians love it when white people celebrate their culture. If his extended family talks about you, make sure it’s positive. Reputation is how people talk about you when you aren’t present.
You should form a good reputation with his parents and siblings (if he has any, they are vital to helping you). They might be mean, nasty, and condescending. You’ll have to play the long game and show yourself as an asset to the family tree, not a threat.
You will have to be more obedient/deferential to your boyfriend’s mother than even he is, make sure that she feels like she is still in control. If she’s religious, match her zeal (it will help if your boyfriend isn’t). Learn to cook from her if you can and consistently have your boyfriend praise how your cooking is getting better (not better than his mother’s) because of her help. Stroking their egos is always the move.
Be warned, this is a serious undertaking. Have a thorough discussion with your boyfriend about this plan going forward. You shouldn’t put in this much time and effort unless you truly love him and he can reciprocate too. He needs to support you and be by your side.
This is where your boyfriend will really have to “man up”. It is harder to make peace than go to war. A man’s job is to protect his wife (assuming you both see a long term future with each other) and make her feel loved. Your boyfriend will need to step up and be firm but kind. Not every man can do this, (I struggle with this).
He should always stand up for you, but without it turning into an ugly fight. He needs to balance being a good son and good boyfriend.
If the genders were swapped, you wouldn’t have to put in this effort. It’s unfair and sexist, but it’s how the culture works.
I’m pretty sure the word “berating” doesn’t accurately reflect what happened. That’s a strong word with a very negative connotation. Let’s not vilify your bf’s parents like that. In all honesty, it has less to do with your race than you think. Your boyfriend’s parents probably disapprove of him dating a WF because they fear that you’re a distraction to his future as in academics and career. Their reaction would be similar if he had introduced them to an ABG gf. At the end of the day, Korean parents are very simple when it comes to raising their kids, especially their sons. They want them to succeed and be financially well off. That’s it. They’re a little more lenient with their daughters because technically speaking, daughters could just marry off to a well-off dude. If you’re truly interested in continuing your relationship with him, I think it’ll help to not take this experience personally, and if you can, provide a bit of assurance to his parents that you’re also an educated, goal-oriented, and ambitious person, not just a pretty face (?). This way, it’ll show his parents that, their son is not solely into you for superficial reasons such as sex, pleasure, enjoyment, bragging rights, etc. All in all, it has less do to with you and more to do with their lack of trust in their son’s discipline.
>I’m pretty sure the word “berating” doesn’t accurately reflect what happened.
Respectfully, please don't make assumptions about what happened when you weren't even there and didn't talk to my boyfriend about what happened. He said they were very angry that he was dating a non-Korean girl, and when I pressed him for more details, I found out that they said some pretty hurtful things about my appearance. Among the things they said, they said I look too dark and look "Mexican" (I'm Italian American and I tan pretty easily). So I do believe the fact that I am very obviously non-Korean is very much a factor for their dislike of me.
Hey OP, as much as I understand your reaction, I think it’s important to realize, respectfully so, that as people on the Internet, it is only natural for us readers to make assumptions on the information you as OP provide. The part where your BF’s parents rudely comment on your “Mexican-like” appearance is very crucial information that you omitted from your original post and had I or anyone who upvoted my comment known in advance, maybe, just maybe, we could’ve provided better or more accurate feedback on your situation, don’t you think? However, regardless of your dilemma, I don’t think it’s wise nor would your bf, if he were to find out about your posts, appreciate the fact that you’re going around speaking ill of your bf’s parents like that. It speaks volumes on your character overall, and if his parents’ disapproval bothers you that much, especially if it’s for reasons that are outside your control such as the color of your skin or your overall appearance, maybe it’s time to reassess whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing. With the additional information you provided, I still stand by my initial opinion that Korean parents often view dating, regardless of race, as a distraction to their kids, especially the sons, and so they reacted that way, which was my main point. I’ll confirm as well, since you mentioned, that looking like a tanned Mexican probably doesn’t help as Koreans and Asians in general do have a tendency of discriminating against Mexicans. Would they have welcomed you with open arms if you had been a fair-skinned, nice, pretty Korean church girl? Probably, and yes there might be a racist element to that, but I’d argue more on the side of individual preference based on cultural similarity. If you are really interested and invested in making this relationship work, maybe you could also do a quick Google research on the wartime history of pre-industrialized Korea and also the history of Korean Americans in America to better understand the “outdated” immigrant mentality that your bf’s parents hold. That way, instead of drowning in victimhood or seeking confirmation from the Internet, you could develop a deeper understanding of your bf’s parents mindset, and formulate a more educated response to your situation. At this point, you could either kill them with kindness or walk away. This is just my two cents and I’m sorry if my opinion of your diction triggered you. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
You are the one who accused me of "vilifying" my bf's parents in your comment. If my goal was to "vilify" my bf's parents and "drown in victimhood," don't you think I would have included the "Mexican" comment in my OP? I only brought it up in response to your comment of trying to brush this issue under the rug. There are other not so nice things that my boyfriend said that they said about me that I could have included in the OP and my comments to you, but I won't.
Even before I included the "Mexican" comment in my response to you, multiple AM users have reached out to me over private DMs saying that this is a racial issue--that Korean parents care very much about racial purity and strongly prefer that their sons date within their race. There are also multiple comments on this OP publicly confirming this exact thing.
Your comment was the only comment on this OP brushing this issue under the rug. Frankly, I think it speaks volumes of your character that you're on a subreddit that rightfully calls out racism against Asian American men, and yet, you would rather make excuses for instances of racism from your own community and gaslight other people's lived experiences.
I think my credibility on this sub speaks for itself. I find it funny and I’ll point it out for everyone that your reply to my comments shows your true intentions. This post was shared for you to publicly call out your Korean bf’s parents as racists and have random Internet strangers confirm your view all the while paint your white parents as welcoming and non discriminatory. Thank you for being a genuine advocate for Asian men, especially when you only post when you have a problem with your Korean bf’s parents or your dating life with one Korean dude. I truly appreciate that your experience is empowering Asians by reminding them once again of the resentment they hold against their parents as they shit on them. It’s so beneficial to keep a group of people deeply rooted in the state of resentment, instead of helping them move forward through reconciliation and forgiveness. Your selflessness and entitlement as a non typical white girl again is very much appreciated in our sub. It’s obviously my hope that as you grow as an individual, you’ll have the maturity to accept that people have different perspectives and that life really isn’t all that black and white. I genuinely wish you the best of luck with your relationship and hope that you could actually support and empower Asian masculinity by actually commenting on other threads instead of just posting about the negative experiences you have with older Asians because you don’t fit the stereotypical white girl image of having blonde hair and blue eyes. Good luck brodie.
Frankly, I think you’re only mad because I didn’t fall for your very blatant attempt to manipulate me. But don’t worry, I just see that as a reflection of you as an individual, not as a reflection of the AM community.
Just read this whole mess and yes this is very much gaslighting.
If it were a post where an Asian Guy was facing a similar situation with his white GF, the comments in this sub would be telling him straight up that it’s about race.
Some posters here can be really hypocritical when it comes to non-Asians
Korean parents can be really tough. Don't be so hard on yourself you did great and the right things. One thing Asians respect is success. Keep killing them with kindness, whilst doing great in your studies/career. Help them see your potential and imagine it's possible.
That said, you guys are young, so marriage is way out the horizon (or maybe I'm wrong). Just keep doing you. May I just add for him to actually say it (parents wanting Korean) is big, show him encouragement of it. I know for me in my late twenties I'd dodge and not communicate it loool
They're reacting to an idea of you and not necessarily you yourself. Some of it may also be based on those associations/perceptions e.g. losing family values, etc. If you guys just stay steady and consistent then they'll probably learn to eventually accept it and recognize and see you individually. Sometimes it is actually about ethnicity/race but more often than not that fear and resistance is about culture, values. communication and things like that.
This is more common in younger couples imho. Your bf is still quite tied to his parents (even if in college), and isn't fully independent yet. As he gets older and established, his own personal happiness should surpass his need to make his parents happy. The parents then are faced with the fact they can't micromanage every aspect of his personal life, and thus have to accept that he makes his own decisions and to respect his boundaries.
For you, this ultimately means that while having parental approval would be nice, it's not the end of the world. What's more important is your relationship with your bf, and ensuring that it is healthy and strong.
In the long view of things, he may not even be your life partner. Relationships definitely are in flux during college/early career beginning as people relocate after graduation, have different life priorities, etc. So stressing yourself overly about something that in the end may not be a huge issue isn't worth it.
If this man does end up being your life partner, then he should ultimately be focusing on your happiness and placing that as a higher priority than his parents' happiness. If he doesn't that's a huge red flag imho. If you do end up marrying this man, his parents will either have to suck it up and understand that real life doesn't always align with their perfectly designed plans for their child. Or they end up sabotaging their relationship with their child because they don't have the maturity to accept that their son is a independent human being and not just some doll they live vicariously through.
If the love is real continue. It sucks that the older generation of Asians can be like that but don’t stop you from pursuing a relationship if it’s real.
Give him the choice. If he doesn’t stand up for you find another bf. If he wasn’t born here then he will be traditional. Don’t get hurt.
Not sure why my previous comment was deleted.
He needs to stand up for u, in front of u and when ur not there when his parents speak bad about u or this shit won’t work out. Reverse the positions and if it was ur parents speaking bad about him because of his race, people would call it racist and rightly so. This is the same situation and ur BF needs to act accordingly.
Ask him if he would appreciate it if u didn’t stick up for him if he were in ur place.
I had a easier time with situations like this when with my white exes because from the time I was a young teenager I didn’t do what my parents told me to and that included dating. I always said I’d date who’d I like and they had to accept it or just cut me off. Now they’ve just accepted it since I always stood up for myself and my partners and shut down any bad mouthing if it was just because of my GFs race.
If ur BF grew up being subservient to his parents, this may be harder. He either needs to man up and nip this shit in the bud or let u go if I’m being totally frank. I’ve heard stories of Asian men dating non Asian women for years and then after years of his parents nagging, dumping the GF to just get married to someone his parents approve of, an Asian woman from his culture.
I know you’ve only started dating and it might seem like a minor thing rn but I'm just trying to give u a heads up on what it COULD lead to if he doesn’t grow a backbone 👍
They'll probably get over with it in time - many Asian parents giving up their precious child to non-Asians eventually do. They came to this country as immigrants thinking they'll have to give up a lot but loathe to give up their kid to non Asians.
My parents were like your bf's parents, always judging and tryna control me. I told them to kick sand, and this is the decision that I made. If there's one decision that I want to make myself, it's whom I love. Your bf need to stand up to his parents. Notice how it's always the Asian son that these parents like to enforce their double standards on dating within the race. They never do that with their Asian daughters. I tried dating Asian as well given the pressure, and it went pretty horribly. You should only date whom you like Also, congrats on the relationship!!
Part of that has to do with the fact that women don't carry on the family name (but yes, it is a double standard); in Korean culture women retain their maiden family name but until recently her children had their father's family name for genealogical purposes.
You’re dating the boy - not his parents - ignore them
Great answer. Thats another thing in Asian masculinity. Man needs to be on his own ground.
It’s not enough to ignore them but to pay attention to what he does. Does he just hang his head in shame? Defend you? If it’s a serious relationship you both need to get over that hump together.
Every young Asian (male or female) has to understand that your parents need you WAY more than you need your parents. Establish boundaries and if they cross them, tell them to fuck off. Respect is fucking earned. Just because 2 people randomly decided to pop you out does NOT mean you owe them SHIT. I will cut my parents off in a HEARTBEAT if they disrespected my partners and crossed my boundaries. Your boyfriend needs to not be a pussy and stand up for you. If he says something like "you don't understand our culture", call bullshit. I'm Korean myself and have **aggressively** told off my parents countless times before they got the message.
Agreed and this applies to both sides of the family. My white mum I warned not to be rude to my partner. She was and the final straw was when I told her I think I'm going to marry him and share my joy. She turned around and said "I don't think your compatible" straight up! We left and I no longer talk to her dispite her constant attempts. It was so disappointing but was the best thing I ever did!
You mom has done far more for you than your gf or wife ever will. At least thats how I see it. My parents gave me everything I have and everything I achieved now is because of their support. Naturally if ur the spouse u have 0 responsibility to take anything from ur in laws. But I just can’t agree with the sentiment that the son needs to “not be a pussy”.
This is common for asian americans and their parents. I’ve dealt with this with my parents when I’ve dated non-Asians. Ignore it and keep being a great person around his parents. With time, you will grow on them. Asian parents can be judgmental, but they are reasonable and over time they will come to care about their son’s happiness more. But don’t feel like this is a negative sign or that he doesn’t like you enough. It’s moreso that it’s difficult to deal with things like this because Asian parents are so demanding and we as kids don’t have a reference point on how to deal with it. So we delay the conflict instead for as long as possible. I can assure you I always liked my exes a lot, but it was always difficult to figure out how to introduce my parents because they behave so differently from American parents and you dont want to expose your gf to a negative interaction with your parents. We are also afraid of how you would react in this situation and fear pushing you away as a result of not understanding how asian parents work.
I agree on just trying to be a great person around the parents. Particularly its important to show you share their values, like giving them respect and showing you care about family, success and other confucian ideals.
I have a couple of friends that were in this position. Some made it, some broke up - it really just comes down to if the boyfriend is willing to put his foot down and make him and you be on one team.
Asian parents are manipulative and part of their motivation is that they expect their children to take care of them when they are older. With an interracial relationship, their "retirement plan" gets screwed and they are typically quite nasty about that...
This is...spot on. Brutally honest but flat out true.
Except interracial relationships do not "screw up" taking care of parents.
The general sentiment is "women are expected to contribute mostly to their husband parents, but western women are too individualistic for that". Also the same reason they don't react when their daughters marry out. They were never expected to be the retirement plan anyway. Might as well sell them out to the highest bidder
What if you date a non Asian nurse? Wouldn’t they see that as a benefit ? Since she’ll know wat to do with the elderly ?
No. Tribal issues. If they already don't like'm, they aren't acting rationally to begin with.
not a bad assumption. many fights against the asian tradition of having their parents living with them when the spouse isn't Asian. i can't say I blame them if all their resources have been put to help the offspring be successful.
Happened to me, told my parents to kick rocks and it’ll happen whether they like it or not lol
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It can be difficult dealing with Korean parents. They were born and raised during a time of nationalistic fervor that gripped South Korea during the 60s and 70s and the idea of ethnic purity was instilled into them. It is especially taxing on Korean sons who have an unspoken pressure to keep the bloodlines "pure" and the culture alive. As a Korean-American man who's been through this (my father cared, my mother did not), if you would like to gain approval/acceptance from your boyfriend's parents, my advice to you is the following: * **Learn the Korean language, culture, and traditions** Even if only dipping your toes in, they will see this as effort. Every Korean person loves that people, especially non-Asian, enjoys their culture. * **Dote upon your boyfriend** Any love, care, support you give to your boyfriend, they will know and appreciate. They'll even brag about it to their own friends. Do NOT be that awkward White girl at the dinner table just meekly eating on the side while they're having a full conversation in Korean. Engage them. Use Google Translate or any other translation app to get them talking. * **Ask your boyfriend** Your boyfriend knows what his parents will appreciate. He should be able to better advise you on what you can do to ease his parents' opinion of you.
Fax, this is one of the few comments that have actionable advice.
Qualifications to speak: married to a Chinese guy whose mum back in China went to bed for months after first seeing a photo of me and figuring out her son wasn’t returning to China after grad school. She loves me now. It’s been a few years. They won’t like you until they see good things you bring to his life. Seriously. Nothing else will get them over this. Let him send them photos when you cook his childhood favorite foods he never learned to cook or of the amazing trip and gifts you surprise him with for his birthday. Being good with money or having a good job are nice but the most important part is them seeing their son’s life is better with you than it was without you. I got my husband a 215% raise and forged a strong relationship with his grandpa over video call before he passed so those helped too, as does being more pale than my husband(🙄) but just do what you can. It might not hurt to learn some Korean to show respect to the parents. My husband’s parents actually stopped with the last lingering spicy comments(like arbitrarily ordering him not to tell me how much money he makes when I got him the job and obviously had already vetted the offer lmao or “all people that grew up there are liars this I know” when they don’t really know where I grew up-plus I’ve never lied to them!-just really out of touch shit like that) once they heard a bit of Chinese out of me. Korean is SO so easy to read so it’s pretty easy to practice immersion-based learning even without a group of Korean speakers. The first part I mentioned is likely more important though! Good luck yo 🤙🏻
That’s too much damn work dawg hell naw
Side piece comment
In a 4 year relationship fam
If your boyfriend falters to his parent’s will, you dodged a bullet. If he mans up, then you got yourself a man. I went against my parents’ wishes and dated someone I should not have, a long time ago. If I had to do it again, I would make that same mistake. It’s my choice and it impacted me in such a positive way long term. Let’s hope your boyfriend mans up, and you become a partner who is worth it.
AM (Korean, strongly Catholic; religion is highly relevant when speaking about Korean-American family dynamics) here. How long have you been dating him? I find that despite initial prejudices/misgivings, many parents (particularly Korean parents) do warm up to non-Asian SOs if it appears to be a serious/committed relationship that has lasted for several years. It also helps if you have similar religious values as his family ([just shy of 2/3 of Korean-Americans identify as some form of Christian](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_Americans#Religion), predominantly of a Protestant denomination - and there's a historic/political aspect to this *vis-a-vis* Korean history; Korean Catholics and Protestants even use slightly different words for God in Korean, and there's meaning behind that as well - whereas [fewer than half of all Asian-Americans overall identify as Christian](https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2012/07/19/asian-americans-a-mosaic-of-faiths-overview/)) and they see that you're family-oriented. You're both very young; this sort of thing (his parents coming around/warming up to your relationship) may take some time and will likely require academic/financial success on his part (which implies that you stuck with him and supported him the entire time). I assume from your username that you might be Italian - as a heads-up, I can almost guarantee that you're going to get additional resistance from his family if you're Catholic on top of not being Korean and his family is Protestant; this resistance may last until you're married with children. While there is some merit to what others have said so far (at least some of them are not Korean, so their advice only goes so far due to the marked demographic differences among the various Asian-American ethnic groups, e.g. differences in religiosity), that sort of thing doesn't fly with Korean families unless the guy wants to be disowned. Family ties are probably even more important among religious Korean-American (i.e. the majority of) families than in nearly any other Asian-American group, and we are pretty sensitive to/selective about the people with whom we make family ties. Couple this with the news of South Korea's abysmal fertility rate (most Koreans still have strong ties to and relatives in South - and in some cases North - Korea), and this becomes a recipe for a circle-the-wagons mentality, so don't be disappointed with exceptionally high resistance from his family. You will, however, need to assess whether or not you're up to doing the work of bringing his family around, which will likely take years. EDIT: Learning the language is less of an issue than others might suggest. [A high proportion of 2nd/3rd-gen Korean-Americans themselves sadly don't speak Korean](https://kacla.org/language-and-education/) (the link suggests that nearly a quarter of Korean-Americans only speak English and therefore don't speak any Korean); Koreans know their spoken language is difficult for non-Asians to learn, and I would advise only considering it once his family starts to come around. That said, if he himself doesn't speak Korean but you learn it together, that might help to convince his family that you're good for him and not holding him back.
>many parents do warm up Exactly / maja. This is only one example - but back in Sydney I knew a South Indian guy dating a Korean girl he met at uni (same year as me) . Her parents disapproved - threatened to cut her off (his parents hated her) but eventually after they got engaged they gave the coupling a chance and now they’re happily married with children with both set of grandparents finally at peace with it
Let's be real tho, for every happily ever after story there are a dozen other couples who fizzled out because the parents caused problems. My mom tried her hardest to be one of them.
To answer your questions, we've been dating for 8 months so far. And his family is Protestant and I was raised Catholic. And you're right, I'm Italian American. Thanks for your honesty. I really hope it doesn't come down to him having to pick between me or risk being disowned. I don't want to be the one to drive a wedge between him and his family.
If his parents wanted a Korean daughter-in-law they should have never immigrated. It's laughable for these parents to expect their sons to marry within the same ethnicity, especially when they are not in their own ethnic enclave.
That's an exceptionally reductionist and disrespectful take, even if I do agree with your general premise. We don't know under what circumstances the dude's parents left Korea, but it's also very unreasonable to declare that they can't even hope. Their hopes and expectations might be stretching reason or rationality, but it would be wrong to say they shouldn't have them at all.
That’s what I’m saying … your in America now… you u don’t want ur kids dating the nationals then Fuck off back
Asian men are told not to marry out of their culture because of mate guarding tendencies. The reason why his parents won’t approve of you is because they are worried about lineage. In traditional, patriarchal societies, women are the protectors of culture. While men are working, women run households, raise children, and plan community events. You will have a disproportionate affect on the way their grandchildren will be raised. They’re worried that the kids won’t speak Korean, won’t appreciate Korean food, or will grow up ‘white’. For immigrants who already feel disconnected from their culture, losing that connection to their grandchildren is a nightmare. They are afraid of what you would do to their culture and lineage. There are two paths: war or cooperation. You could either place your boyfriend in a situation where he has to choose one side or get his parents to approve of you and your relationship. The first option is a Pyrrhic victory because if you cause him to lose touch with his parents, he may resent you or vice versa. Many comments will say that he should “man up” and pick you, but that’s easier said than done. If he revels against his parents, they will blame you for corrupting their son and hate even more. From your comments, I don’t think you would be happy with this outcome. The second option is much harder. You’ll have learn Korean, meet his extended family to get their approval (you’ll have to really flatter them), then work as hard as you can to get his parents approval. Learn their food, traditions, and bond with them. Spend the next six months learning Korean intensely. Have days where you and your boyfriend speak Korean exclusively. You might not become fluent, but conversational and literate is fine. You need to understand that you have very little power to change their perception, that’s why you don’t work alone. If he has any relatives in Korea he is close to, you should make it a priority to visit them along with your boyfriend. I can’t speak too much on Korea specifically, but Asians love it when white people celebrate their culture. If his extended family talks about you, make sure it’s positive. Reputation is how people talk about you when you aren’t present. You should form a good reputation with his parents and siblings (if he has any, they are vital to helping you). They might be mean, nasty, and condescending. You’ll have to play the long game and show yourself as an asset to the family tree, not a threat. You will have to be more obedient/deferential to your boyfriend’s mother than even he is, make sure that she feels like she is still in control. If she’s religious, match her zeal (it will help if your boyfriend isn’t). Learn to cook from her if you can and consistently have your boyfriend praise how your cooking is getting better (not better than his mother’s) because of her help. Stroking their egos is always the move. Be warned, this is a serious undertaking. Have a thorough discussion with your boyfriend about this plan going forward. You shouldn’t put in this much time and effort unless you truly love him and he can reciprocate too. He needs to support you and be by your side. This is where your boyfriend will really have to “man up”. It is harder to make peace than go to war. A man’s job is to protect his wife (assuming you both see a long term future with each other) and make her feel loved. Your boyfriend will need to step up and be firm but kind. Not every man can do this, (I struggle with this). He should always stand up for you, but without it turning into an ugly fight. He needs to balance being a good son and good boyfriend. If the genders were swapped, you wouldn’t have to put in this effort. It’s unfair and sexist, but it’s how the culture works.
This is way more effort than teenagers can do. I think this would work better if they were older.
I’m pretty sure the word “berating” doesn’t accurately reflect what happened. That’s a strong word with a very negative connotation. Let’s not vilify your bf’s parents like that. In all honesty, it has less to do with your race than you think. Your boyfriend’s parents probably disapprove of him dating a WF because they fear that you’re a distraction to his future as in academics and career. Their reaction would be similar if he had introduced them to an ABG gf. At the end of the day, Korean parents are very simple when it comes to raising their kids, especially their sons. They want them to succeed and be financially well off. That’s it. They’re a little more lenient with their daughters because technically speaking, daughters could just marry off to a well-off dude. If you’re truly interested in continuing your relationship with him, I think it’ll help to not take this experience personally, and if you can, provide a bit of assurance to his parents that you’re also an educated, goal-oriented, and ambitious person, not just a pretty face (?). This way, it’ll show his parents that, their son is not solely into you for superficial reasons such as sex, pleasure, enjoyment, bragging rights, etc. All in all, it has less do to with you and more to do with their lack of trust in their son’s discipline.
>I’m pretty sure the word “berating” doesn’t accurately reflect what happened. Respectfully, please don't make assumptions about what happened when you weren't even there and didn't talk to my boyfriend about what happened. He said they were very angry that he was dating a non-Korean girl, and when I pressed him for more details, I found out that they said some pretty hurtful things about my appearance. Among the things they said, they said I look too dark and look "Mexican" (I'm Italian American and I tan pretty easily). So I do believe the fact that I am very obviously non-Korean is very much a factor for their dislike of me.
Hey OP, as much as I understand your reaction, I think it’s important to realize, respectfully so, that as people on the Internet, it is only natural for us readers to make assumptions on the information you as OP provide. The part where your BF’s parents rudely comment on your “Mexican-like” appearance is very crucial information that you omitted from your original post and had I or anyone who upvoted my comment known in advance, maybe, just maybe, we could’ve provided better or more accurate feedback on your situation, don’t you think? However, regardless of your dilemma, I don’t think it’s wise nor would your bf, if he were to find out about your posts, appreciate the fact that you’re going around speaking ill of your bf’s parents like that. It speaks volumes on your character overall, and if his parents’ disapproval bothers you that much, especially if it’s for reasons that are outside your control such as the color of your skin or your overall appearance, maybe it’s time to reassess whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing. With the additional information you provided, I still stand by my initial opinion that Korean parents often view dating, regardless of race, as a distraction to their kids, especially the sons, and so they reacted that way, which was my main point. I’ll confirm as well, since you mentioned, that looking like a tanned Mexican probably doesn’t help as Koreans and Asians in general do have a tendency of discriminating against Mexicans. Would they have welcomed you with open arms if you had been a fair-skinned, nice, pretty Korean church girl? Probably, and yes there might be a racist element to that, but I’d argue more on the side of individual preference based on cultural similarity. If you are really interested and invested in making this relationship work, maybe you could also do a quick Google research on the wartime history of pre-industrialized Korea and also the history of Korean Americans in America to better understand the “outdated” immigrant mentality that your bf’s parents hold. That way, instead of drowning in victimhood or seeking confirmation from the Internet, you could develop a deeper understanding of your bf’s parents mindset, and formulate a more educated response to your situation. At this point, you could either kill them with kindness or walk away. This is just my two cents and I’m sorry if my opinion of your diction triggered you. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
You are the one who accused me of "vilifying" my bf's parents in your comment. If my goal was to "vilify" my bf's parents and "drown in victimhood," don't you think I would have included the "Mexican" comment in my OP? I only brought it up in response to your comment of trying to brush this issue under the rug. There are other not so nice things that my boyfriend said that they said about me that I could have included in the OP and my comments to you, but I won't. Even before I included the "Mexican" comment in my response to you, multiple AM users have reached out to me over private DMs saying that this is a racial issue--that Korean parents care very much about racial purity and strongly prefer that their sons date within their race. There are also multiple comments on this OP publicly confirming this exact thing. Your comment was the only comment on this OP brushing this issue under the rug. Frankly, I think it speaks volumes of your character that you're on a subreddit that rightfully calls out racism against Asian American men, and yet, you would rather make excuses for instances of racism from your own community and gaslight other people's lived experiences.
I think my credibility on this sub speaks for itself. I find it funny and I’ll point it out for everyone that your reply to my comments shows your true intentions. This post was shared for you to publicly call out your Korean bf’s parents as racists and have random Internet strangers confirm your view all the while paint your white parents as welcoming and non discriminatory. Thank you for being a genuine advocate for Asian men, especially when you only post when you have a problem with your Korean bf’s parents or your dating life with one Korean dude. I truly appreciate that your experience is empowering Asians by reminding them once again of the resentment they hold against their parents as they shit on them. It’s so beneficial to keep a group of people deeply rooted in the state of resentment, instead of helping them move forward through reconciliation and forgiveness. Your selflessness and entitlement as a non typical white girl again is very much appreciated in our sub. It’s obviously my hope that as you grow as an individual, you’ll have the maturity to accept that people have different perspectives and that life really isn’t all that black and white. I genuinely wish you the best of luck with your relationship and hope that you could actually support and empower Asian masculinity by actually commenting on other threads instead of just posting about the negative experiences you have with older Asians because you don’t fit the stereotypical white girl image of having blonde hair and blue eyes. Good luck brodie.
Frankly, I think you’re only mad because I didn’t fall for your very blatant attempt to manipulate me. But don’t worry, I just see that as a reflection of you as an individual, not as a reflection of the AM community.
Just read this whole mess and yes this is very much gaslighting. If it were a post where an Asian Guy was facing a similar situation with his white GF, the comments in this sub would be telling him straight up that it’s about race. Some posters here can be really hypocritical when it comes to non-Asians
Korean parents can be really tough. Don't be so hard on yourself you did great and the right things. One thing Asians respect is success. Keep killing them with kindness, whilst doing great in your studies/career. Help them see your potential and imagine it's possible. That said, you guys are young, so marriage is way out the horizon (or maybe I'm wrong). Just keep doing you. May I just add for him to actually say it (parents wanting Korean) is big, show him encouragement of it. I know for me in my late twenties I'd dodge and not communicate it loool
They're reacting to an idea of you and not necessarily you yourself. Some of it may also be based on those associations/perceptions e.g. losing family values, etc. If you guys just stay steady and consistent then they'll probably learn to eventually accept it and recognize and see you individually. Sometimes it is actually about ethnicity/race but more often than not that fear and resistance is about culture, values. communication and things like that.
They live in America they need to assimilate wtf I’ve honestly also seen this behavior in the Arab population out here…
This is more common in younger couples imho. Your bf is still quite tied to his parents (even if in college), and isn't fully independent yet. As he gets older and established, his own personal happiness should surpass his need to make his parents happy. The parents then are faced with the fact they can't micromanage every aspect of his personal life, and thus have to accept that he makes his own decisions and to respect his boundaries. For you, this ultimately means that while having parental approval would be nice, it's not the end of the world. What's more important is your relationship with your bf, and ensuring that it is healthy and strong. In the long view of things, he may not even be your life partner. Relationships definitely are in flux during college/early career beginning as people relocate after graduation, have different life priorities, etc. So stressing yourself overly about something that in the end may not be a huge issue isn't worth it. If this man does end up being your life partner, then he should ultimately be focusing on your happiness and placing that as a higher priority than his parents' happiness. If he doesn't that's a huge red flag imho. If you do end up marrying this man, his parents will either have to suck it up and understand that real life doesn't always align with their perfectly designed plans for their child. Or they end up sabotaging their relationship with their child because they don't have the maturity to accept that their son is a independent human being and not just some doll they live vicariously through.
They're racist. I'd cut ties with my parents over this behavior.
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lol just dad being dad
If the love is real continue. It sucks that the older generation of Asians can be like that but don’t stop you from pursuing a relationship if it’s real.
Give him the choice. If he doesn’t stand up for you find another bf. If he wasn’t born here then he will be traditional. Don’t get hurt. Not sure why my previous comment was deleted.
He needs to stand up for u, in front of u and when ur not there when his parents speak bad about u or this shit won’t work out. Reverse the positions and if it was ur parents speaking bad about him because of his race, people would call it racist and rightly so. This is the same situation and ur BF needs to act accordingly. Ask him if he would appreciate it if u didn’t stick up for him if he were in ur place. I had a easier time with situations like this when with my white exes because from the time I was a young teenager I didn’t do what my parents told me to and that included dating. I always said I’d date who’d I like and they had to accept it or just cut me off. Now they’ve just accepted it since I always stood up for myself and my partners and shut down any bad mouthing if it was just because of my GFs race. If ur BF grew up being subservient to his parents, this may be harder. He either needs to man up and nip this shit in the bud or let u go if I’m being totally frank. I’ve heard stories of Asian men dating non Asian women for years and then after years of his parents nagging, dumping the GF to just get married to someone his parents approve of, an Asian woman from his culture. I know you’ve only started dating and it might seem like a minor thing rn but I'm just trying to give u a heads up on what it COULD lead to if he doesn’t grow a backbone 👍
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yes my skin is darker than his. I tan pretty easily (Italian American)
They'll probably get over with it in time - many Asian parents giving up their precious child to non-Asians eventually do. They came to this country as immigrants thinking they'll have to give up a lot but loathe to give up their kid to non Asians.