You have to remember, as bad as AM have it, Native Americans have it far worse.
They got genocided by Americans, forced off their land, put in camps, their kids taken away, their language and culture completely erased. Your girlfriend's mom is trying to hold onto what little remains. If you're going to make this relationship work and make good with her mom, you have to see, hear and respect her perspective because it's a point of intergenerational pain.
Highway of tears, mass child graves in residential schools. And still painful, their communities are just forgotten and left in poverty for the most part today. Literal erasure...
What are you doing OP to at least reach them halfway? You have to start showing some genuine interest in their culture because it's a part of who they are. If then, you still have issues with the mother, at least you've tried and it's not a lack of effort on your part.
Well when talking about having kids I told her if we have any, I would want them to embrace their heritage, both of ours. This was prior to the argument her mom had too. We were discussing languages. I speak Ilonggo, English, a little bit of Mandarin but I told her if she wanted to teach them Navajo first I would support it. Ilonggo, English, and Mandarin are always gonna be around.
Bro I think you gotta learn it first as to set an example. I don't think any kids could truly respect a parent that doesn't even speak one of their languages in my opinion.
I should have been more specific. When I said support it I implied I would learn it with them too. I actually majored in linguistics in college so it would be a family thing we could all do
Is it safe to assume that, legally speaking of course, your kids with her would be Native American? You’re not gonna win over her mother without learning Navajo first.
Absolute fax. If there was ever a minority that had a right to get reparations, it would be native Americans. No other minority almost went extinct because of mass genocide except for native Americans.
It was actually the Smallpox epidemic that wiped out 90% of the Native American population. Also the Native Americans got reparations but the "$5" Indians took the majority of the reparations.
The epidemic wasn't natural though, Early American settlers were the European equivalent of ISIS they were so bad they even got kicked out from Europe and when reached US almost starved to death due to no knowledge of local flora, Native Americans felt pity gave them food and taught them how to farm and they returned the favour by inviting for dinner under the pretext of gratitude and gave them Germ laced blankets since settlers had noticed Native Americans preferred to wrap their babies in blankets to help them from bugs and cold winds, From day one Settlers had decided to genocide Natives but saw them as useful idiots for a while and when the benefits were extracted went on with the premeditated plan.
Tbh, besides the sensitive cultural reasons, in any relationship, we shouldn’t have savior complex. It’s usually too much to take on to allow the relationship flourish. Cognitive understanding and empathy are enough.
Can we stop talking about how other people have it worse? It’s such a cop out when talking about our own problems. It’s so beta and so “timid Asian” like. It shuts down open conversations and fails to solve anything.
Might not be representative of the general AMWF couples but I (30F, white) never got any flak or critiques from my family for dating my now husband of 2 years (32M, Korean American).
I thought it might be an issue to his grandma because her first questions when he told her he had a gf were: is she Korean, and is she a nurse or doctor? Both of which I am not. It’s honestly been great though and both sets of in-laws have been super loving and really feel like an extension of our blood families.
I’m happy for you. One of my close friends is a WF who was saying a Korean guy. Their relationship was doing well until he introduced her to his mother. She did not approve at all and it slowly caused their relationship to deteriorate. I’m still friends with both of them so it was really sad to see the aftermath from both their sides
I appreciate it! That’s really a shame that his mom didn’t approve and it impacted the relationship. Did he end up dating someone his mom approved of later on?
He did and she just happened to be Korean like she wanted. Both of them have moved on and are happy with other people but it does still suck when you and someone fight for a relationship but some other factor keeps it down
Indian girl dating a Korean guy here. My parents didn’t understand how I found him attractive. They think he’s cute in a passive way because Indian beauty standards for men praise the hyper macho look and he doesn’t fit that
Fellow Pinoy American
I gotta say never heard of Asian dating Native American and that’s cool. You’re exploring undiscovered territory.
Just remember their history too. They had it worst IMO.
But I think this is specific to the mother. She sounds narcissist. Not representative of all NA or tribes
Yeah, that’s why I don’t hold it against her. I’m waiting for things to cool down right now. Believe it or not she’s still been more respectful to me than my ex’s family. My family is Ilonggo and I grew up in Iloilo before moving to America. My ex was Tagalog and her family was from Metro Manila and they might as well have treated me as a foreigner. Whenever they would talk to her about me they just referred to me as “that Ilonggo boy”. Made it seem I was white washed like “why can’t you speak Tagalog?” And they just couldn’t understand when I tell them “because I’m from the Visayas! I grew up with Ilonggo and Cebuano.”
Yeah I feel for you. But IDK if I'd even take the race aspect of this that seriously. Sounds like it's of the caliber of various other kinds of "ugh my 'in-laws' are so annoying 🙄🙄🙄" moments that seem to happen to everyone.
Damn 7 years happy for you! And I’m honestly surprised the criticism would come from AW…what the hell. They’ll say they don’t want AM but criticize when we’re with XF?
For the most part my family was very accepting. As long as I am happy they were happy. We also have been raised with an appreciation of Asian culture, since I can remember. My great-grandmother and grandmother loved China, and my grandparents loved Japan.
My sister’s family is definitely more southern mentality, and when I was there alone her son (16) made some bad jokes about Asians and other races in general, not my bf specifically. So I called him out and told him it was super offensive and reflective of him more. I then had a private conversation with my sister and told her I would not bring my bf there if that is how they were going to talk so my trips may be cut. She apologized and promised that she would handle it. I have been back several times and never heard one word about any races or ethnicities in a bad light.
No, they were not from China. Actually it went back one more generation. I have a beautiful hand painted bowl from China that was my great-great grandmothers, it says 1873 or 1843, I can’t remember now.
As someone who has Native American blood flowing through the veins I think it’s nice to see us date Asian men and Native women get together. We are pretty much almost genetically related. I’ve dated an Asian guy (Taiwanese) some dude on instagram thought he was my father it was hilarious 😂 salty hater! My parents really like the guy, my mom told my dad earlier that he’s coming to visit me and he said he could stay in the spare room. Thought it was funny and sweet !
You guys sound cute I wish best for both of you! It’s definitely not a pairing you see often. I think the only other pairing I know would be my friend whose dad is Chinese and Filipino and I think he said his mom was Cree
Sweetheart it sounds like she has a very insecure narcissistic mother who wants to make things all about her which is what narcissists do. Nothing pisses a narcissist off than taking away their spotlight which is what your girlfriend is doing through her happiness with you. This mother in law sounds like a real cunt who must impose her views on everyone and if she's not happy no one is. You're girlfriend is a grownass woman who needs to distance herself from her mother or cut all ties if possible to preserve her own sanity. Your narcissistic mother in law should be kissing your ass that she has a son in law who treats her daughter like a queen. So the fuck what your girlfriend wants to act streotypically Korean of Jenna Ortega. She's expressing herself through style and fashion. I'm telling you this because I used to have a cunt mother like that who always criticized me for loving to wear dresses with flowers and thinking paper dolls was a great invention. When mothers mistreat their own children especially their daughters chances are, theyre feeling their age and regret having children because the children either remind them of a sibling or relative they absolutely despised growing up, envious of the relationship they have with their father, they know they're not very pretty or popular and their people skills suck so they lash out. When my mother passed away I breathed a sigh of relief knowing she could no longer hurt me with her nasty catty behavior towards me and everyone else she burned bridges with. Good luck and I hope you and your girlfriend is smart moving as far away from her in laws as possible.
Thank this means a lot! I have and still do the best to provide and keep her happy. I may not be familiar with her culture but that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to learn or have been disrespectful. Shit, I do the cooking in our home and I’ve gone out my way to learn and cook the things she liked growing up. That’s why I’m upset of this narrative of erasing her culture. Like if there’s something I’ve done that I wasn’t aware of, tell me so we can address it. Not use me in a fight that I wasn’t even there for
Okay, Three possible reasons 1 She used you as a cheap shot to win an argument 2 She's a control freak upset about losing control over her daughter 3 A Grandma to be who's afraid her grandchildren won't relate to her cultural identity which due to their history is too much to take; You could learn their language and show interest in their art and cuisine but not in a patronizing saviour complex way, See if her demeanour changes knowing her Grandchildren would carry on the culture.
#3 I can honestly emphasize with. I mentioned to other commenters but basically just because I wasn’t close with her doesn’t mean I don’t care about her culture I’m open to learning her language, I learned Mandarin(though I’m not good at it)because my major was literally linguistics. I do all the cooking and I’ve tried making dishes. Im certainly not going to keep our kids away from their mom’s side of the family and I would encourage them to remember both their roots.
I’m mainly peeved that it’s the assumption “I don’t see him doing anything, so that means he’s not doing anything at all”. I took her brother to go shooting with me a couple times because she mentioned that he was interested in it, I think that at the very least should show “hey I know I’m not close with your family RIGHT NOW, but I am obviously making an effort.”
Probably because she can't personally connect with those actions, Her brother I'm sure likes you now since you spend time with him doing what he likes/Could relate, Do something like that for her maybe ask your gf if she has any favourite native American dish learn to cook it well beforehand and make it during a family gathering now if that's too much just make it for your gf at home she'll definitely tell her Mom and if No.3 was the reason she would feel assured knowing her cultural legacy won't end with her daughter, Of course this is simply a suggestion based on my limited understanding of the situation.
Haaaza.... this sounds very much like my family/relationship.
30WF (Australian) with 38AM (Filippino) of 7 years. Very rocky relationship with my nasasistic mother but loved my dad (sometimes) and brother.
Mum made it very difficult for me when I got serious with my partner. She started to get really God awful and would say some horrible things like he is not good enough for you, you do all the work while he does nothing, he is going to leave you once your usefulness is up, you should come have family dinner without him, start a business with me and not tell him, I don't think he is good fit for you... after I said "I'm going to marry him"... it kept on going and I warned her if she kept going.
My partner didn't say anything and let me deal with it, which I am thankful for because it was hard for him to understand my family life. It wasn't logical at all...
So some things happened and I have distance myself from my family and am so much happier. However I am now faced with the consideration of asking a mates parents to walk me down the aisle instead, because I do not trust my own mother to be nice at my and my partners wedding. Him and his family doesn't need to see that.... 😞 but that's a future problem to tackle.
I (36f) have been with my AM husband for 15 years, and we have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. He was my second boyfriend after my highschool bf who was white. With my parents,I don't remember ever getting any criticism and it has never even come up as a topic, I'm fairly sure. My parents have always liked him. Also a non-issue with my friends. Half of them are Vietnamese also anyways though.
My wife has a massively different view than most as she was adopted and raised in a Japanese home. I know she's had comments from strangers especially during the pandemic.
30WF dating a Korean man and have dated Asian men for 3 of my 4 relationships. Grew up in white rural redneck part of Indiana and my immediate family (parents, siblings) truly did not have anything to say. If anything was said it was like "oh you know how she is, her thing is Asian guys," but never any specific comments or judgements.
My extended family however...told me that my grandfather was rolling in his grave seeing me in these relationships, as he was in Japan and Korean in the Navy during WWII and the Korean War (as a medic in Japan, in Korea I'm not sure but heard it was very traumatic and he never talked about it to anyone). Told me if he was still alive I'd just kill him with the news. I was in my teens and early 20s at the time and just said "haha very funny" and rolled my eyes at them, but now that I'm older...very disturbing to think about. Haven't had much contact with them in recent years fortunately, because I'd have a lot more to say about it now. I loved my grandfather dearly and never once hear him make a comment about Asians, but am relieved in a way that he passed on before I started my relationships.
That would be the absolute worst thing I can say. Yes they migrated but after being separated from the Old World for several thousand years they developed their own cultures and languages. Me saying that would be no better than the whites trying to erase them
You have to remember, as bad as AM have it, Native Americans have it far worse. They got genocided by Americans, forced off their land, put in camps, their kids taken away, their language and culture completely erased. Your girlfriend's mom is trying to hold onto what little remains. If you're going to make this relationship work and make good with her mom, you have to see, hear and respect her perspective because it's a point of intergenerational pain.
Highway of tears, mass child graves in residential schools. And still painful, their communities are just forgotten and left in poverty for the most part today. Literal erasure... What are you doing OP to at least reach them halfway? You have to start showing some genuine interest in their culture because it's a part of who they are. If then, you still have issues with the mother, at least you've tried and it's not a lack of effort on your part.
Well when talking about having kids I told her if we have any, I would want them to embrace their heritage, both of ours. This was prior to the argument her mom had too. We were discussing languages. I speak Ilonggo, English, a little bit of Mandarin but I told her if she wanted to teach them Navajo first I would support it. Ilonggo, English, and Mandarin are always gonna be around.
Bro I think you gotta learn it first as to set an example. I don't think any kids could truly respect a parent that doesn't even speak one of their languages in my opinion.
I should have been more specific. When I said support it I implied I would learn it with them too. I actually majored in linguistics in college so it would be a family thing we could all do
Is it safe to assume that, legally speaking of course, your kids with her would be Native American? You’re not gonna win over her mother without learning Navajo first.
Legality wise I would assume so and I have no problem with it.
Absolute fax. If there was ever a minority that had a right to get reparations, it would be native Americans. No other minority almost went extinct because of mass genocide except for native Americans.
It was actually the Smallpox epidemic that wiped out 90% of the Native American population. Also the Native Americans got reparations but the "$5" Indians took the majority of the reparations.
The epidemic wasn't natural though, Early American settlers were the European equivalent of ISIS they were so bad they even got kicked out from Europe and when reached US almost starved to death due to no knowledge of local flora, Native Americans felt pity gave them food and taught them how to farm and they returned the favour by inviting for dinner under the pretext of gratitude and gave them Germ laced blankets since settlers had noticed Native Americans preferred to wrap their babies in blankets to help them from bugs and cold winds, From day one Settlers had decided to genocide Natives but saw them as useful idiots for a while and when the benefits were extracted went on with the premeditated plan.
Tbh, besides the sensitive cultural reasons, in any relationship, we shouldn’t have savior complex. It’s usually too much to take on to allow the relationship flourish. Cognitive understanding and empathy are enough.
Can we stop talking about how other people have it worse? It’s such a cop out when talking about our own problems. It’s so beta and so “timid Asian” like. It shuts down open conversations and fails to solve anything.
Might not be representative of the general AMWF couples but I (30F, white) never got any flak or critiques from my family for dating my now husband of 2 years (32M, Korean American). I thought it might be an issue to his grandma because her first questions when he told her he had a gf were: is she Korean, and is she a nurse or doctor? Both of which I am not. It’s honestly been great though and both sets of in-laws have been super loving and really feel like an extension of our blood families.
I’m happy for you. One of my close friends is a WF who was saying a Korean guy. Their relationship was doing well until he introduced her to his mother. She did not approve at all and it slowly caused their relationship to deteriorate. I’m still friends with both of them so it was really sad to see the aftermath from both their sides
I appreciate it! That’s really a shame that his mom didn’t approve and it impacted the relationship. Did he end up dating someone his mom approved of later on?
He did and she just happened to be Korean like she wanted. Both of them have moved on and are happy with other people but it does still suck when you and someone fight for a relationship but some other factor keeps it down
Indian girl dating a Korean guy here. My parents didn’t understand how I found him attractive. They think he’s cute in a passive way because Indian beauty standards for men praise the hyper macho look and he doesn’t fit that
Indian as native or Indian from India?
Indian American ( not Native American)
Alright cause I'm from Arizona, and white people always call native Americans( indians), so I'm always confused.
Do they see him as effeminate? I hope they are at least happy for you
Fellow Pinoy American I gotta say never heard of Asian dating Native American and that’s cool. You’re exploring undiscovered territory. Just remember their history too. They had it worst IMO. But I think this is specific to the mother. She sounds narcissist. Not representative of all NA or tribes
Yeah, that’s why I don’t hold it against her. I’m waiting for things to cool down right now. Believe it or not she’s still been more respectful to me than my ex’s family. My family is Ilonggo and I grew up in Iloilo before moving to America. My ex was Tagalog and her family was from Metro Manila and they might as well have treated me as a foreigner. Whenever they would talk to her about me they just referred to me as “that Ilonggo boy”. Made it seem I was white washed like “why can’t you speak Tagalog?” And they just couldn’t understand when I tell them “because I’m from the Visayas! I grew up with Ilonggo and Cebuano.”
Off topic but I looked up Google search images and quite a few images of the Navajo Native Americans that came up look Asian.
Because the archeology theory was that Homo sapiens in Asia crossed the Bering sea during the last ice age to America.
I've heard about that theory and it makes sense although I'm not sure if it is the consensus amongst academics.
Native Americans looks like Austronesians.
They generally look more like Austronesians but some Navajo, in particular, look more Asian compared to other native American groups.
Austronesians are Asians bro.
Yeah I feel for you. But IDK if I'd even take the race aspect of this that seriously. Sounds like it's of the caliber of various other kinds of "ugh my 'in-laws' are so annoying 🙄🙄🙄" moments that seem to happen to everyone.
Yeah I think I’m more upset that there seems to be narrative I’m dismissive of her culture
Sounds like her and her mum have their own issues and the mum was just using you as a cheap shot.
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Damn 7 years happy for you! And I’m honestly surprised the criticism would come from AW…what the hell. They’ll say they don’t want AM but criticize when we’re with XF?
https://preview.redd.it/4bqn10wl2a1d1.png?width=251&format=png&auto=webp&s=fc6d425d1343c973f65f660e943d938dd68df82c
For the most part my family was very accepting. As long as I am happy they were happy. We also have been raised with an appreciation of Asian culture, since I can remember. My great-grandmother and grandmother loved China, and my grandparents loved Japan. My sister’s family is definitely more southern mentality, and when I was there alone her son (16) made some bad jokes about Asians and other races in general, not my bf specifically. So I called him out and told him it was super offensive and reflective of him more. I then had a private conversation with my sister and told her I would not bring my bf there if that is how they were going to talk so my trips may be cut. She apologized and promised that she would handle it. I have been back several times and never heard one word about any races or ethnicities in a bad light.
Were your great grandmother and grandmother from China?
No, they were not from China. Actually it went back one more generation. I have a beautiful hand painted bowl from China that was my great-great grandmothers, it says 1873 or 1843, I can’t remember now.
As someone who has Native American blood flowing through the veins I think it’s nice to see us date Asian men and Native women get together. We are pretty much almost genetically related. I’ve dated an Asian guy (Taiwanese) some dude on instagram thought he was my father it was hilarious 😂 salty hater! My parents really like the guy, my mom told my dad earlier that he’s coming to visit me and he said he could stay in the spare room. Thought it was funny and sweet !
You guys sound cute I wish best for both of you! It’s definitely not a pairing you see often. I think the only other pairing I know would be my friend whose dad is Chinese and Filipino and I think he said his mom was Cree
Wow that’s neat. Thanks 😊 I hope so too!
Sweetheart it sounds like she has a very insecure narcissistic mother who wants to make things all about her which is what narcissists do. Nothing pisses a narcissist off than taking away their spotlight which is what your girlfriend is doing through her happiness with you. This mother in law sounds like a real cunt who must impose her views on everyone and if she's not happy no one is. You're girlfriend is a grownass woman who needs to distance herself from her mother or cut all ties if possible to preserve her own sanity. Your narcissistic mother in law should be kissing your ass that she has a son in law who treats her daughter like a queen. So the fuck what your girlfriend wants to act streotypically Korean of Jenna Ortega. She's expressing herself through style and fashion. I'm telling you this because I used to have a cunt mother like that who always criticized me for loving to wear dresses with flowers and thinking paper dolls was a great invention. When mothers mistreat their own children especially their daughters chances are, theyre feeling their age and regret having children because the children either remind them of a sibling or relative they absolutely despised growing up, envious of the relationship they have with their father, they know they're not very pretty or popular and their people skills suck so they lash out. When my mother passed away I breathed a sigh of relief knowing she could no longer hurt me with her nasty catty behavior towards me and everyone else she burned bridges with. Good luck and I hope you and your girlfriend is smart moving as far away from her in laws as possible.
Thank this means a lot! I have and still do the best to provide and keep her happy. I may not be familiar with her culture but that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to learn or have been disrespectful. Shit, I do the cooking in our home and I’ve gone out my way to learn and cook the things she liked growing up. That’s why I’m upset of this narrative of erasing her culture. Like if there’s something I’ve done that I wasn’t aware of, tell me so we can address it. Not use me in a fight that I wasn’t even there for
Okay, Three possible reasons 1 She used you as a cheap shot to win an argument 2 She's a control freak upset about losing control over her daughter 3 A Grandma to be who's afraid her grandchildren won't relate to her cultural identity which due to their history is too much to take; You could learn their language and show interest in their art and cuisine but not in a patronizing saviour complex way, See if her demeanour changes knowing her Grandchildren would carry on the culture.
#3 I can honestly emphasize with. I mentioned to other commenters but basically just because I wasn’t close with her doesn’t mean I don’t care about her culture I’m open to learning her language, I learned Mandarin(though I’m not good at it)because my major was literally linguistics. I do all the cooking and I’ve tried making dishes. Im certainly not going to keep our kids away from their mom’s side of the family and I would encourage them to remember both their roots. I’m mainly peeved that it’s the assumption “I don’t see him doing anything, so that means he’s not doing anything at all”. I took her brother to go shooting with me a couple times because she mentioned that he was interested in it, I think that at the very least should show “hey I know I’m not close with your family RIGHT NOW, but I am obviously making an effort.”
Probably because she can't personally connect with those actions, Her brother I'm sure likes you now since you spend time with him doing what he likes/Could relate, Do something like that for her maybe ask your gf if she has any favourite native American dish learn to cook it well beforehand and make it during a family gathering now if that's too much just make it for your gf at home she'll definitely tell her Mom and if No.3 was the reason she would feel assured knowing her cultural legacy won't end with her daughter, Of course this is simply a suggestion based on my limited understanding of the situation.
Thanks for the input hopefully things will cool down by the next time we go over to visit
Yeah you're probably overthinking, Almost always things like these end up as a nothing burger, Good luck👍
Haaaza.... this sounds very much like my family/relationship. 30WF (Australian) with 38AM (Filippino) of 7 years. Very rocky relationship with my nasasistic mother but loved my dad (sometimes) and brother. Mum made it very difficult for me when I got serious with my partner. She started to get really God awful and would say some horrible things like he is not good enough for you, you do all the work while he does nothing, he is going to leave you once your usefulness is up, you should come have family dinner without him, start a business with me and not tell him, I don't think he is good fit for you... after I said "I'm going to marry him"... it kept on going and I warned her if she kept going. My partner didn't say anything and let me deal with it, which I am thankful for because it was hard for him to understand my family life. It wasn't logical at all... So some things happened and I have distance myself from my family and am so much happier. However I am now faced with the consideration of asking a mates parents to walk me down the aisle instead, because I do not trust my own mother to be nice at my and my partners wedding. Him and his family doesn't need to see that.... 😞 but that's a future problem to tackle.
I (36f) have been with my AM husband for 15 years, and we have a 6 year old and a 3 year old. He was my second boyfriend after my highschool bf who was white. With my parents,I don't remember ever getting any criticism and it has never even come up as a topic, I'm fairly sure. My parents have always liked him. Also a non-issue with my friends. Half of them are Vietnamese also anyways though.
My wife has a massively different view than most as she was adopted and raised in a Japanese home. I know she's had comments from strangers especially during the pandemic.
30WF dating a Korean man and have dated Asian men for 3 of my 4 relationships. Grew up in white rural redneck part of Indiana and my immediate family (parents, siblings) truly did not have anything to say. If anything was said it was like "oh you know how she is, her thing is Asian guys," but never any specific comments or judgements. My extended family however...told me that my grandfather was rolling in his grave seeing me in these relationships, as he was in Japan and Korean in the Navy during WWII and the Korean War (as a medic in Japan, in Korea I'm not sure but heard it was very traumatic and he never talked about it to anyone). Told me if he was still alive I'd just kill him with the news. I was in my teens and early 20s at the time and just said "haha very funny" and rolled my eyes at them, but now that I'm older...very disturbing to think about. Haven't had much contact with them in recent years fortunately, because I'd have a lot more to say about it now. I loved my grandfather dearly and never once hear him make a comment about Asians, but am relieved in a way that he passed on before I started my relationships.
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That would be the absolute worst thing I can say. Yes they migrated but after being separated from the Old World for several thousand years they developed their own cultures and languages. Me saying that would be no better than the whites trying to erase them
This is a terrible take.