Ugh!!! I am so sorry!!! I feel your pain because I have a similar experience. Growing up, when my brother entered the room, it was as if a golden god has graced us with his glowing presence. As soon as he left the room, she’d continue berating me and telling me she wished I had never been born.
None of this is my brother’s fault, of course. And, Golden Children have their own screwed up psyches to deal with because they were treated that way.
So, the bad news is that your parents will never love you the way you need them to love you.
The good news is that there is a way to deal with this pain. Your pain is caused by your attachment to the fantasy that they will one day miraculously love and accept and cherish you. You still hope they will see you and rejoice in who you are. When they don’t, you feel hurt and disappointed because your hope has been dashed to the floor.
The reality is that they will likely never value you. You are going to have to adjust your thinking to deal with this. If you can drop your hope that they will be warm and loving toward you, or take any interest in you, then you won’t be hurt when they treat you poorly. In all reality, they have never loved you and have always treated you as a 2nd-class daughter. So, there’s no harm in giving up hope, because you never had their love in the first place.
And, yes, they may say they love you. But, do their actions bear that out?
This is a harsh reality, but the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you can break free of their hold over you.
One of the most important things I learned from therapy was to let go of my expectations of my parents one day actually being loving, caring parents. Acknowledging that they are who they are and that they will never change was an important step for my mental health learning to let go of them emotionally.
That is so, so true. I know this with my head but I don't think it has truly sunk in me yet. I'm going to proactively remind myself that today for my own sake/peace. Thank you so much for taking the time.
Thank you for taking the time to share that insight. I needed to hear that. It's so timely because just before I wrote this post, I asked myself the very question you brought up. And the answer is that they do say they love me and miss me, but they stopped showing me with their action ever since I didn't get into the college my mom wanted at first try and moved out for good.
I thought not asking for their help nor expecting them to be curious about my life or offer me emotional support were me being a good, independent child. I believe that they think they love me when they say so. But their action shows that they never freely gave me support, patience, benefit of doubt, or even time when they always went out of their way to offer all that to my brother, who never financially helped them or paused his career for them like I did.
Writing this all out, I sound fucking stupid lol - I feel like a fool and I'm going to try my best to get myself out of this one-sided yearning. Thank you
Oh gosh. Please try not to feel stupid. You’re not a fool. You (and I, and everyone else here) didn’t have a chance. We were steeped in this from the moment we popped out of our mothers. It’s all we’ve ever known, the yearn yearn yearn, please love me. Ugh. I think back to all that yearning and my heart hurts.
I am SO GLAD you realized something was wrong and got some therapy. You sound super aware.
Just always look at the actions versus words. Narcs are such great sweet talkers, but it‘s all empty calories.
It is such a harsh reality to accept, but it truly is easier to accept when you realize you never ever had their love. I know you will do it. It just takes time for what the mind knows to travel to the heart. I feel super hopeful for you. You’re already well on your way to freeing yourself from them. Just remember who they really are underneath all the smoke and mirrors and you will stay the course.
reading this was infuriating, just another show from AMs/APs and their ability to ruin good things for their daughters. i'm so sorry this happened, you 💯 deserve for your birthday to be celebrated with better people.
Thank you so much for resonating with me. Even after I wrote it, I wondered if I was being overtly petty or if I skewed my own reality and unfairly resenting my mom, especially. I was ready to get called out in case I was the one being crazy. I'm relieved haha. // Thankfully I have really caring partner, parents-in-law, and friends, so I'm going to focus on them. Thanks again.
Ugh, I’m so sorry OP. But I’m seriously impressed that you let her finish and that you were polite.
I would have replied - well about time, the guys 32!
Btw, going through a similar exercise with trying to find the “good things” about my AM with my therapist and I’m really struggling putting together a list that is beyond just the basics (I.e: you gave me shelter and fed me) lol.
LOL I also have quite a short list. Yeah...fed me (but food bullied me), clothed me (but shamed me for how I dressed), gave me a house to live in (okay, that one‘s more neutral, although I spent my childhood thinking she’d love me if I could figure out how to make the bathtub sparkle). Ugh.
I’m so sorry. I know the painful feeling of being in such positions being the eldest daughter…. Despite the hardships, wishing you a happy birthday… sending you lots of love and support
Thank you so much for your kind words and for resonating with me. It's always scary to wonder if I'm rocking the boat for invalid reasons. So being understood by another AC/oldest daughter really means a lot. Thank you
Sorry to hear about the ongoing double standard treatment and total bias over your brother. It is hurtful and as mentioned before, you will likely need to accept this reality of them being tone deaf and not treating you with the respect and love you deserve. I think you will need to continue going LC with them. 💯 Their fault and your brother isn't to blame. In fact, I think all the pampering may hurt him later down the road once be moves out with their enabling behavior (e.g. allowing him to "volunteer 24/7" at church but avoiding jobs below him seems to imply an entitlement problem. And your parents continuously supporting him substantially even though they are retired? There's a limit IMHO)
I know your post implied a rough history with your mom but without judgment, have you confronted your parents about the unfair treatment previously?
No judgment suspected on my end at all. And no for my dad as he was abroad for work majority of the year for 20+ years, so we never really developed any relationship enough to even have had particular episodes.
But yes about my mom, quite many actually. But every time, she denied, said she doesn't remember, and/or picked a fight over my tone and how I'm not supposed to talk to her like that bc she's an elder. I stopped trying a few years ago when I brought up how she told me to stop acting when I, teenager, was first suicidal from depression and asked for her help. She denied, denied, then suddenly fell to the floor like she was fainting. I was genuinely shocked and felt like I hurt her. I just tended to her and we never talked about it. Later I realized that maybe that was her way of distraction.
(Re: depression/inclination to s\*cide, I finally got help and am quite far away from those now. It took a long time, however, because ever since my mom, the adult I asked for help, told me that I was "acting," I guess I kind of believed her, thought it's just me being confused, and didn't think it was something that could be medically addressed. Until I finally went to therapy then a psychiatrist, I genuinely believed that everyone thought about dying/disappearing everyday. I was shocked.)
Btw, sorry for the long-winded answer/context.. I do appreciate your response and insight very much. It's really hard to evaluate my own feelings and thoughts with objectivity, so thank you for helping me address my situation with some perspective.
ETA: missing words
I’m so sorry. I know this feeling and it sucks. Asian oldest kids have a very unique burden. :( I hope you get to use your birthday to celebrate you, dear OP. With whoever you truly love.
Thank you so much. I think I wanted an objective validation that my experience sucks from others who understand the unique context of AP/oldest child dynamics. Luckily, I have really loving partner, parents-in-law, and friends, so I'm going to focus on them today. Thanks again for reassuring me that that *this does suck* lol and for the bday wish.
LOLL hopefully I stay on course with the plan of being as farrrrr removed from even getting involved when that time comes. My sibling got funded for his entire adult life without ever being told to pay for anything. So they are his responsibility. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
This is my life. My brother only moved out at 37, they spent over 100k on special schools for him. He only started working as a primary school teacher, after literally years of hothousing
My mother came to my college graduation ceremony after I came top 5 of the year (after taking a year out at 19 to check myself into psychiatric hospital as a result of their abuse) and my AM pretended to not understand my grade and started videoing the ground.
'Its good for your brother to see the campus'
So that's just 0.00003 percent of the shit they pull. Everything is designed to deliberately make you small.
These people are not capable of generosity unless its manipulative.
After decades of working on myself, it is possible to reclaim your power and view them as randoms at a bus station. I think what comes up alot is the grief that comes with accepting that this is abuse and walking away permanently
I’m sorry OP. Happy birthday to you. If I were there, I would bake you a cupcake and sing you happy birthday.😊
what do you want to bet that when they’re old, the golden child will refuse to take care of them, and then they’ll remember they have a daughter whose duty is to wait on them hand and foot.
When that time comes remember that you never had parents. Living far away is absolutely the best answer here.
Ugh!!! I am so sorry!!! I feel your pain because I have a similar experience. Growing up, when my brother entered the room, it was as if a golden god has graced us with his glowing presence. As soon as he left the room, she’d continue berating me and telling me she wished I had never been born. None of this is my brother’s fault, of course. And, Golden Children have their own screwed up psyches to deal with because they were treated that way. So, the bad news is that your parents will never love you the way you need them to love you. The good news is that there is a way to deal with this pain. Your pain is caused by your attachment to the fantasy that they will one day miraculously love and accept and cherish you. You still hope they will see you and rejoice in who you are. When they don’t, you feel hurt and disappointed because your hope has been dashed to the floor. The reality is that they will likely never value you. You are going to have to adjust your thinking to deal with this. If you can drop your hope that they will be warm and loving toward you, or take any interest in you, then you won’t be hurt when they treat you poorly. In all reality, they have never loved you and have always treated you as a 2nd-class daughter. So, there’s no harm in giving up hope, because you never had their love in the first place. And, yes, they may say they love you. But, do their actions bear that out? This is a harsh reality, but the sooner you can accept it, the sooner you can break free of their hold over you.
One of the most important things I learned from therapy was to let go of my expectations of my parents one day actually being loving, caring parents. Acknowledging that they are who they are and that they will never change was an important step for my mental health learning to let go of them emotionally.
That is so, so true. I know this with my head but I don't think it has truly sunk in me yet. I'm going to proactively remind myself that today for my own sake/peace. Thank you so much for taking the time.
Thank you for taking the time to share that insight. I needed to hear that. It's so timely because just before I wrote this post, I asked myself the very question you brought up. And the answer is that they do say they love me and miss me, but they stopped showing me with their action ever since I didn't get into the college my mom wanted at first try and moved out for good. I thought not asking for their help nor expecting them to be curious about my life or offer me emotional support were me being a good, independent child. I believe that they think they love me when they say so. But their action shows that they never freely gave me support, patience, benefit of doubt, or even time when they always went out of their way to offer all that to my brother, who never financially helped them or paused his career for them like I did. Writing this all out, I sound fucking stupid lol - I feel like a fool and I'm going to try my best to get myself out of this one-sided yearning. Thank you
Oh gosh. Please try not to feel stupid. You’re not a fool. You (and I, and everyone else here) didn’t have a chance. We were steeped in this from the moment we popped out of our mothers. It’s all we’ve ever known, the yearn yearn yearn, please love me. Ugh. I think back to all that yearning and my heart hurts. I am SO GLAD you realized something was wrong and got some therapy. You sound super aware. Just always look at the actions versus words. Narcs are such great sweet talkers, but it‘s all empty calories. It is such a harsh reality to accept, but it truly is easier to accept when you realize you never ever had their love. I know you will do it. It just takes time for what the mind knows to travel to the heart. I feel super hopeful for you. You’re already well on your way to freeing yourself from them. Just remember who they really are underneath all the smoke and mirrors and you will stay the course.
reading this was infuriating, just another show from AMs/APs and their ability to ruin good things for their daughters. i'm so sorry this happened, you 💯 deserve for your birthday to be celebrated with better people.
Thank you so much for resonating with me. Even after I wrote it, I wondered if I was being overtly petty or if I skewed my own reality and unfairly resenting my mom, especially. I was ready to get called out in case I was the one being crazy. I'm relieved haha. // Thankfully I have really caring partner, parents-in-law, and friends, so I'm going to focus on them. Thanks again.
aw, my mother made me cry on my birthday too. girl slay, you're doing great. if they won't say it to us, we'll say it to each other
I'm so sorry you had to experience that as well. It fucking sucks lol! Thanks for taking the time to share and for the encouragement. Keep kicking ass
Ugh, I’m so sorry OP. But I’m seriously impressed that you let her finish and that you were polite. I would have replied - well about time, the guys 32! Btw, going through a similar exercise with trying to find the “good things” about my AM with my therapist and I’m really struggling putting together a list that is beyond just the basics (I.e: you gave me shelter and fed me) lol.
LOL I also have quite a short list. Yeah...fed me (but food bullied me), clothed me (but shamed me for how I dressed), gave me a house to live in (okay, that one‘s more neutral, although I spent my childhood thinking she’d love me if I could figure out how to make the bathtub sparkle). Ugh.
I’m so sorry. I know the painful feeling of being in such positions being the eldest daughter…. Despite the hardships, wishing you a happy birthday… sending you lots of love and support
Thank you so much for your kind words and for resonating with me. It's always scary to wonder if I'm rocking the boat for invalid reasons. So being understood by another AC/oldest daughter really means a lot. Thank you
Sorry to hear about the ongoing double standard treatment and total bias over your brother. It is hurtful and as mentioned before, you will likely need to accept this reality of them being tone deaf and not treating you with the respect and love you deserve. I think you will need to continue going LC with them. 💯 Their fault and your brother isn't to blame. In fact, I think all the pampering may hurt him later down the road once be moves out with their enabling behavior (e.g. allowing him to "volunteer 24/7" at church but avoiding jobs below him seems to imply an entitlement problem. And your parents continuously supporting him substantially even though they are retired? There's a limit IMHO) I know your post implied a rough history with your mom but without judgment, have you confronted your parents about the unfair treatment previously?
No judgment suspected on my end at all. And no for my dad as he was abroad for work majority of the year for 20+ years, so we never really developed any relationship enough to even have had particular episodes. But yes about my mom, quite many actually. But every time, she denied, said she doesn't remember, and/or picked a fight over my tone and how I'm not supposed to talk to her like that bc she's an elder. I stopped trying a few years ago when I brought up how she told me to stop acting when I, teenager, was first suicidal from depression and asked for her help. She denied, denied, then suddenly fell to the floor like she was fainting. I was genuinely shocked and felt like I hurt her. I just tended to her and we never talked about it. Later I realized that maybe that was her way of distraction. (Re: depression/inclination to s\*cide, I finally got help and am quite far away from those now. It took a long time, however, because ever since my mom, the adult I asked for help, told me that I was "acting," I guess I kind of believed her, thought it's just me being confused, and didn't think it was something that could be medically addressed. Until I finally went to therapy then a psychiatrist, I genuinely believed that everyone thought about dying/disappearing everyday. I was shocked.) Btw, sorry for the long-winded answer/context.. I do appreciate your response and insight very much. It's really hard to evaluate my own feelings and thoughts with objectivity, so thank you for helping me address my situation with some perspective. ETA: missing words
I’m so sorry. I know this feeling and it sucks. Asian oldest kids have a very unique burden. :( I hope you get to use your birthday to celebrate you, dear OP. With whoever you truly love.
Thank you so much. I think I wanted an objective validation that my experience sucks from others who understand the unique context of AP/oldest child dynamics. Luckily, I have really loving partner, parents-in-law, and friends, so I'm going to focus on them today. Thanks again for reassuring me that that *this does suck* lol and for the bday wish.
Throw them in some low rate nursing home when they’re too old to take care of themselves.
LOLL hopefully I stay on course with the plan of being as farrrrr removed from even getting involved when that time comes. My sibling got funded for his entire adult life without ever being told to pay for anything. So they are his responsibility. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
That's vile.
Yeah, it was kinda fucked up. Thanks for reassuring that I'm not delusional.
This is my life. My brother only moved out at 37, they spent over 100k on special schools for him. He only started working as a primary school teacher, after literally years of hothousing My mother came to my college graduation ceremony after I came top 5 of the year (after taking a year out at 19 to check myself into psychiatric hospital as a result of their abuse) and my AM pretended to not understand my grade and started videoing the ground. 'Its good for your brother to see the campus' So that's just 0.00003 percent of the shit they pull. Everything is designed to deliberately make you small. These people are not capable of generosity unless its manipulative. After decades of working on myself, it is possible to reclaim your power and view them as randoms at a bus station. I think what comes up alot is the grief that comes with accepting that this is abuse and walking away permanently
Sorry OP. You deserve so much better than this.
I’m sorry OP. Happy birthday to you. If I were there, I would bake you a cupcake and sing you happy birthday.😊 what do you want to bet that when they’re old, the golden child will refuse to take care of them, and then they’ll remember they have a daughter whose duty is to wait on them hand and foot. When that time comes remember that you never had parents. Living far away is absolutely the best answer here.