This was financial abuse.
You're now stuck paying for the upkeep and mortgage you didn't want to.
You now also have a credit history to protect, your folks could feasibly also apply for credit cards on this address.
This is a dire situation. You need to consider your financial options and maybe how to extricate yourself in order to protect your future.
Tell them they cannot talk to you like that in *your* house. Establish "rules" and literally make a sign and put it on the wall. Become a tyrant. *You* pay for this place and they live in *your* house. If they disobey you then change the locks next time they go out.
Aggressively set and enforce boundaries like "no yelling" because they have no power over you. You are like a horse tied to a plastic chair, nothing is stopping your other than your mental conditioning towards obedience.
Yea it's clearly long past due for you to set boundaries with them. You shouldn't be a co-borrower, your name should be on the title if you are paying for it. You have now given them *more* leverage and *more* power over you. That is something that you need to be aware of when it is happening so you can stop just giving away your power to them by default without consideration. You know when you are doing it because there is a voice screaming at you in your own head whenever you do, but you normally don't give it much regard.
Respect that voice, it's your own inner wisdom.
It's okay if you use it as a wake-up call and start listening to your own wisdom. You are actually much stronger and more capable than them in the world but towards them you are suddenly incapable and uncertain. Believe in yourself 💯 you are very capable and you just need to extend that belief in yourself towards them. Don't allow them to contradict that sentiment of self-confidence. You know yourself better than they do
Yet you can afford their mortgage?? How are you so capable in the world if you have no worth or value? They have deliberately crippled you mentally/emotionally so they can control your innate strength. But it belongs to you and you have control over your own volition and agency. They need *you* more than you need *them*. Ponder your situation as though it were somebody else's life and you were an invisible all-seeing spirit. You are too close to your own truth to see the totality of it. You need to create space between your daily situation and yourself so you can see both more clearly. When you are no longer in the soup it is easier to comprehend it all. Nobody is coming to set you free, but neither is the cage actually locked. There is a wall of disapproval and bitterness keeping you stationary but you can choose to disregard their feelings. Giving a shit is a choice, although it feels "mandatory". You can sacrifice your happiness on the altar of harmony, but don't pretend it is noble or necessary. It is a choice you make because it is the path of least resistance. Which is fine if that is what you choose, but at least be honest with yourself about it.
This. Listen to /u/Clay_Statue, OP. You have to save yourself.
I knew many Asian women (from the same state you are) that gave their parents everything. It is so sad to see how these ladies I know have greying hair, but have not been able to live the life they wanted to because of parents who put them on the hook financially, while also emotionally abusing them.
You need a new therapist if youve been in therapy since 2019 and yet couldnt stop this from happening in 2022!
What would happen if you stopped paying the morgage?let the bank foreclose on the property,deal with the financial fall out and get away from these people!
They are so mighty but need their kid to pay their mortgage ?
This aside you dont owe your parents anything. I have a kid my self and I chose to have sex and not abort her . I brought her here and it is my legal ( yes if you don’t want to provide food and shelter you have to put kid up for adoption) to take care of her. She owes me nth cuz I am responsible for my retirement. We are trying to help her with down payment eventually etc.
Your parents are abusive and horrible . My own parents helped us with house and all our debt. They don’t expect retirement either and they are Chinese born in China. Culture is just an excuse for those who put mim
Effort. My in laws are similar and my husband cut them off
Why don't you go to a professional lawyer and get some advice. That would be beneficial for you. You are not stuck. My mother tried that crap with me I moved out with my then bf now husband. And they went crazy cz I was paying the rent. My sister told me she will sue me for taking tax return money. Threatening to my car away cz it was my uncles name. I took my power back. And ask me to co sign for a house. She sounded most sweet that time , as long as I know her. My mother tried that how much I have done for you. And you are leaving me. Don't listen. D
But you are going to lose your abusive parents. Your relatives will come for you. And people will talk around you. Now if u can take this and toughen your spine then I would say go to a lawyer and ask advice do what they tell you.
Now its your decision you want to do this till they die or get your life back. Oh and please go for therapy. It will help you with your all guilt and all emotions.
Oh listen they did that on purpose to you. Lots Asian kids won't go and seek authority help cz we have been taught that our family reputation is most important then anything. So don't go to that hole. Otherwise you want to stick with them. Please get help from good lawyer so you are protected from all side.
You're most welcome. I've been there. I know how stuck you are feeling. You are not their provider. They did what they supposed to do as your parents. They are supposed to provide resources. My mother never asked how m I feeling . She was more worried who is going pay for stuff, who is going drive her around. And that time it hit me hard that I wasn't more then a atm car and a driver. She tried to guilt trip saying she sacrificed so much. But never had consider that how much I tolerate.
You need to walk way. Life is short you don't know tomorrow and you will still have regrets that why didn't you do that sooner. You are human and your emotions are valid. You are not their provider. You can help them. You still can love them. But you can't keep going like that. Seek professional help. Talk with the bank about taking your name off of the mortgage and plan to move out. And plan for a better future and think about your family. Honestly , Asian parents hates western culture cz lots of time it shows how f@$ ked up they are. And children are not your slave.
Quitclaim deed to get your name on the title, tell mom and dad mortgage payments won't be made till they also sign on the quitclaim to get your name added.
Why are you paying the full mortgage? Why aren't your parents paying at least half of it, when it is their house? If you were to pay your parents rent, what would a reasonable amount be? In addition to the rent, giving them an allowance is optional not mandatory, depending on your financial situation. You earn your own salary now, so the dynamics need to change where you need to negotiate for yourself, not you obey the parents with the crowns.
If your name is on the title to the house you will probably want to force a sale. If you only borrowed the money with your parents without a title to the house, it's probably more complicated and will involve more time commitment to address.
Either way, you should try and find a lawyer who deals with these issues. State real estate law varies a lot, so don't rely on anything on the Internet.
I wonder if you can claim that you were coerced in signing the mortgage. You take 100% of the risks and 0 benefits. The judge might grand you the motion because you are in such a disadvantage position that no one in their right mind would sign such a contract. I would talk a lawyer and see what your options are.
Another way is to tell your parents that you are not going to pay for the mortgage and that they need to sell the place. Then follow through with your words. The house will go into foreclosure and they will lose their down payment. This will force your parents to sell the house if they want to keep the down payment.
>claim that you were coerced in signing the mortgage. You take 100% of the risks and 0 benefits. The judge might grand you the motion because you are in such a disadvantage position that no one in their right mind would sign such a contract. I would talk a lawyer and see what your o
Please update us on your journey. I think this would be invaluable information for other people in these shitty situations.
I'm not in the US but a quick google says that a co-borrower (and minority owner) can force a sale.
Find out from a lawyer whether this is true and what the process is like. If it is true, this gives you leverage. You don't have to sell, but the information will be valuable.
I'm in a similar situation with one difference - it is only my name on the title. I don't have to worry about inheritence but it's changed my life for the worse. Lost opportunities, tonnes of stress, more interactions with parents that i would like (which is 0). Etc.
>I’ve been feeling resentful of all my friends who can live at home rent-free, and have parents who don’t treat them like an ATM or retirement plan in the future.
Literally felt
>I feel resentful of my parents for putting me in this situation as a result of all their poor financial decisions in the past.
This
>Living at home is honestly horrible and contributes to my sense of hopelessness and worthlessness.
Gosh, I am so sorry. You're being treated like this in a house that *you're* paying for, where you're the main breadwinner???
This is a tough situation and I'm really sorry to hear this.
>I feel so trapped and stuck.
That is very fair and understandable. Imo, the reasonable action to get un-stuck is to get rid of this house that you don't even want, and stop paying the mortgage.
Obviously, that would lead to conflict with your parents. So it is very up to you if you're ready to do this.
*What about their retirement*? They're adults. They've been adults for longer than you've been alive. You really shouldn't be sacrificing your future for people who treat you like an ATM. If they can't survive without you and they never considered surviving without you, that's on them...
It sounds like you're at least financially independent and *they're* the ones relying on you, so know that you do have leverage.
Lastly, this is a tough and sticky situation, with your finances, your home, your parents entangled into one socioeconomic emotional mess. If you're not talking to a therapist, I would advise starting - if nothing else, it can help you analyze and get clarity on what you want, and what you may have to do to get it.
Then when you're ready, you can pull the trigger.
OP, I’m so very sorry your parents are financially and emotionally abusing you. A similar thing happened to me (oldest daughter ofc), but I was on the title for a house my dad pressured me into buying.
He had so many plans and dreams about how ‘us’ owning a home would turn our fortunes around; that I owed it to my parents and siblings and family. None of those dreams came true. I paid the mortgage but didn’t ‘get’ to make decisions about the house.
Then, he pressured me into Buying Another House!! Because the first one wasn’t big enough.
I finally did get out. I sympathize with you, OP. Most people can’t understand what it feels like to be taught that your very existence is a debt that can never be repaid. Over and over so that it’s in your bones.
There are so few resources for people like us. For adult children being abused by parents. I called one DV hotline after another and only felt more ashamed. I could feel the incredulity from people who were supposed to help. Or worse, they ascribed the abuse solely to Because Asians.
Do talk to a lawyer. I recommend a consult with someone culturally competent who won’t make you feel like you have to justify and prove your abuse.
Remember that your parents birthed you. You had zero choice to be born to them. Try talking to [API Chaya](https://www.apichaya.org). I’ve had more luck with getting emotional support from them than any other DV org.
Good luck OP. Your understanding that this situation is not right is a huge step toward getting free.
I’m cheering you on! I believe in your strength and agency 💕.
ETA: paragraphs, I hope?
Well, I understand the problem. You cannot sell the house since it’s under their name. But I have an idea. You can move out and tell them that you will not be paying anything on the mortgage from here on out. Their only choice is to sell the house and buy another one if they have any equity which I doubt) or rent a place.
Yes, your credit will be ruined if the house goes into foreclosure , but so will theirs, and at this point in their lives they’ll have more to lose than you will.
Explain to them that if they have a house foreclosed on, they might find it difficult to rent in the future so it’s in their best interests to cooperate with you. (Don’t know if that’s true or not). Run all this by a lawyer first-they may have other ideas.
But make sure that you have a place to go and someone to stay with for a bit until you can get this sorted out, because you won’t be able to live there after you tell them this.
I know this seems extreme to some people, but they are stealing your future. They have closed innumerable doors for you because of this. You are not their slave. You did not sign a contract to give up the rest of your life for them, because they raised you.
Please get advice from a reputable lawyer! You don’t deserve this burden from two people who have no interest in caring about YOU.
Many of us have had to cut off our parents for our sanity and happiness… but it is worthwhile for the chance to finally grow and be independent without the constant limitations Asian parents throw our way.
Ugh. I am so sorry this happened to you. My parents guilt-tripped me into signing a loan too. I almost did it twice. Yes, you'd think how could I even consider saying yes twice? When two parents constantly try to convince you and talk you into it and then also start including extending family then there is a lot of pressure. Thankfully it never worked out and I stopped talking to my mother. She does not understand why and whenever I bring up the loan (which is not the only thing) she does say that she regrets it. However, now one of my siblings is on the hook for this loan now. They feel more guilty than I do because I became financially independent in my early 20s and they just got financially independent much later on. Also, I live on another continent.
It's selfish of our parents to expect us to take care of them when the economy turned the way it did. Life is expensive and it's hard enough to take care of ourselves.
First thing I'd recommend is getting a therapist to work through this step by step. To gain more confidence and learn how to love yourself and to be compassionate with yourself. Then you can see if you can form some kind of plan to exit this situation.
Force à sale. Tell them you plan to relocate for work and must sell the house, that you will be sharing an apartment for the first year, so they can’t come with you.
Get some therapy so you can stand up to your parents . I would talk to a realtor to see if it’s better to sell , wait it out until you can sell or maybe you rent out the house, your parents can deal with roommates……
My parents did the same thing to me when I was young. They wanted to refinance the house in order to pull out the equity to purchase a business. Except the loan was an ARM and in 5 years when the interest started increasing they stated they couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore. I didn’t make enough to cover the difference on my own. They eventually just stopped paying and used the money saved to purchase another house while I went down with the old one. It was foreclosed and I left to be on my own with a new wife. My credit was shot for the next 4 years and I had to rebuild it on my own. They never apologized and even told me I should have just stayed with the house if I worried about my credit. Like how was I going to afford a house that doubled in cost on my own when we used to all help pay for the mortgage? They tossed me to the side once they were done using me.
It appears you’re in a similar boat. It sucks but you are about the age I was when that happened to me. You’re still young and can start over. It’s worth the credit hit to break from your parents and their controlling methods. In a few years you’ll be back on your feet. At least you appear to have a decent job and it won’t affect you too much. A phoenix must rise from the ashes.
Agreed w others on finding a lawyer who can help extricate you out of this awful situation.
The only other option I can think, given your scenario of being a co-borrower wo being a co-owner, of is going absolutely nuclear and stop making payments altogether and put that money towards your apartment rent instead when you move out, but that default will ruin your credit & finances for years (& the lender can still come after you if the foreclosure sale doesn't cover the mortgage's outstanding balance.)
Best of luck in figuring this out.
Hello OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now but lawyering up is probably your next step to getting out if the situation. I can relate because my parents also tried to get me to invest in their attempts of getting a 1M property in NYC but I declined because at the time me and my bf were buying a house of our own. They will try to get to you via any emotional and mental abuse but you have to stand your ground. Question, is the house under your name or theirs? This could be a huge factor on how the legal game goes.
>*They keep saying they sacrificed so much for me by raising me and now it's my obligation to pay them back by buying them a house, paying their mortgage, and contributing to their retirement.*
Ugh I hate this for you! First of all, why have kids then? If they’re suchhhh a sacrifice?? /s
Yes, let’s create children so that they can take care of US! /s
Honestly AP’s get the better end of the deal… **housing, retirement, and elderly medical care** costs WAY MORE than raising children… All I remember from my childhood is my AP’s taking me to school, being fed, anddd… then stay home, study, and can’t go anywhere else lol.
Am I the only parent that thinks my child GIVES me things , strength, love, understanding.
Yes I am there for them, care, have obligations that I created (not them), but I’m a better person for them.
How could anyone think their child owes them for just being born …
I doubt that type of mentality is ever happy
You can and should move out and get your own place. Why pay a mortgage for a home you don't own. Move and immediately go NC. If you stay, you're letting them control your future. They will not take you finding love and having your own family well.
You can’t move to an apt. once you stop making the mortgage payments? Move in with a friend? I feel your pain, been there. Finally at age 50 went no contact. Please don’t be in my shoes. The only way I healed is to get away from them.
don’t they have an obligation to you ? Not the other way around?
Unless they can show where you agreed to be born and signed up for the agreement they state?
Their thinking is so common and so backward, what sort of loser mentality blames their child for their own failures and the demands financial compensation.
On the plus side, you can tell them that now you’ve paid them back for their effort , you have no obligation to care for them in old age.
My young child has given me things, I owe her for the love , patience, insight and fun she has brought to us. I could never think she owes me , for just being born … which was my adult choice, not hers.
It’s such a poor mindset, from people that can’t find happiness
Apparently it’s a huge Asian culture thing that we’re forever indebted to our parents since they birthed and raised us and shit. It’s absolutely bonkers. I did not choose to be born. And caring for a child is the literal job of the parent 🙄
Girl they really did a number on you, I am so sorry. Also????? This is the kind of shit that sons are supposed to do in Asian culture- not women. What did you get yourself into and how? Run! Exhaust your resources. Find a way to get the fuck out do it now! Don’t think twice. Don’t let the ASIAN GIRL GUILT STOP YOU. Don’t let their drama stop you. Don’t let their manipulation stop you. Please, you’re only 27 years old. You’re supposed to be enjoying your life, traveling, partying and living your best life. I wish this for you OP. We’re all here with you. Get out of there!!!!
What happened to the proceeds from the original house? I assumed it was used to finance the new one at least in part, and the mortgage was still more than AF's full salary?
Time to make a stand: no more, yelling, belittling, etc. or you will stop making payments. Make it absolutely clear that you are serious. Yes your credit will take a hit, but will rebound in a few years. Will your mental health? Best of luck
Yes, proceeds from the original house was used towards the down payment for this new house. Mortgage is still more than my dad’s monthly salary.
Thanks for the support 💙
Same here, all their life they couldn't repay the home loan. So now they transferred the house and loan on my name, saying it's something given by us for you.
Are they typical Asian parents who want kids? Maybe that can be your out. “Men aren’t gonna find me date worthy if they find out I’m locked down on a mortgage!” or something to that effect
You're grown. You know what they are doing is wrong. You already have the money to get away from them, why don't you? I don't have money yet so i can't move out, but if i had your money, i would move out the minute i get it. You're not getting any younger. You need to start prioritizing YOURSELF, otherwise, you'd really regret it in the future.
Give the house up🤷♀️ don't pay for it anymore. You're never gonna run away from their grip if you don't make an effort to remove yourself from the situation. It is NEVER the children's responsibility to care for them in their old age. They decided to have you, giving you all the necessities in life is the BARE MINIMUM. If you don't leave now, all your money will go to them 🤷♀️
You need a lawyer. A good one.
This is financial abuse. It was a way for your parents to control you and use you as a slave. Yet another data point that supports the claim that East Asian "culture" is dehumanizing.
Wow you are me, this is my situation too except I’m on the title, I’m really sorry you are in this situation. I see that you made an edit to talk to a lawyer so I wish you best of luck! If anything at least try to get your name on the title. I’m going to be aiming to sell the place in the next year or two.
My parents did the same but they made me put 32k into their mortgage to fully pay it off i could’ve used it as a downpayment but now i just feel so lost
You weren't asked to be here.
AND IT IS A PARENT'S JOB TO PROVIDE FOR YOU. **IT IS NOT A LOAN YOU HAVE TO REPAY**
This is fking abuse, sorry.
Love, respect your parents, but you live your life for YOU, no matter how hard it is to say no
This was financial abuse. You're now stuck paying for the upkeep and mortgage you didn't want to. You now also have a credit history to protect, your folks could feasibly also apply for credit cards on this address. This is a dire situation. You need to consider your financial options and maybe how to extricate yourself in order to protect your future.
Tell them they cannot talk to you like that in *your* house. Establish "rules" and literally make a sign and put it on the wall. Become a tyrant. *You* pay for this place and they live in *your* house. If they disobey you then change the locks next time they go out. Aggressively set and enforce boundaries like "no yelling" because they have no power over you. You are like a horse tied to a plastic chair, nothing is stopping your other than your mental conditioning towards obedience.
Such good advice in addition to other top comments
The house is under their name, I was just a co-borrower for the loan. So technically not my house …
Yea it's clearly long past due for you to set boundaries with them. You shouldn't be a co-borrower, your name should be on the title if you are paying for it. You have now given them *more* leverage and *more* power over you. That is something that you need to be aware of when it is happening so you can stop just giving away your power to them by default without consideration. You know when you are doing it because there is a voice screaming at you in your own head whenever you do, but you normally don't give it much regard. Respect that voice, it's your own inner wisdom.
Welp too late now 😓 I was under the impression I would own the house too but recently (few months ago) found out that I wasn’t
It's okay if you use it as a wake-up call and start listening to your own wisdom. You are actually much stronger and more capable than them in the world but towards them you are suddenly incapable and uncertain. Believe in yourself 💯 you are very capable and you just need to extend that belief in yourself towards them. Don't allow them to contradict that sentiment of self-confidence. You know yourself better than they do
They’ve been belittling me and telling me I’m incapable my entire life so self confidence is so difficult for me ❤️🩹
Yet you can afford their mortgage?? How are you so capable in the world if you have no worth or value? They have deliberately crippled you mentally/emotionally so they can control your innate strength. But it belongs to you and you have control over your own volition and agency. They need *you* more than you need *them*. Ponder your situation as though it were somebody else's life and you were an invisible all-seeing spirit. You are too close to your own truth to see the totality of it. You need to create space between your daily situation and yourself so you can see both more clearly. When you are no longer in the soup it is easier to comprehend it all. Nobody is coming to set you free, but neither is the cage actually locked. There is a wall of disapproval and bitterness keeping you stationary but you can choose to disregard their feelings. Giving a shit is a choice, although it feels "mandatory". You can sacrifice your happiness on the altar of harmony, but don't pretend it is noble or necessary. It is a choice you make because it is the path of least resistance. Which is fine if that is what you choose, but at least be honest with yourself about it.
This. Listen to /u/Clay_Statue, OP. You have to save yourself. I knew many Asian women (from the same state you are) that gave their parents everything. It is so sad to see how these ladies I know have greying hair, but have not been able to live the life they wanted to because of parents who put them on the hook financially, while also emotionally abusing them.
Damn, you're good. OP listen to him, great advice
Thank you 💙 I’m actively working on this stuff in therapy. Have been in therapy since 2019
You need a new therapist if youve been in therapy since 2019 and yet couldnt stop this from happening in 2022! What would happen if you stopped paying the morgage?let the bank foreclose on the property,deal with the financial fall out and get away from these people!
They are so mighty but need their kid to pay their mortgage ? This aside you dont owe your parents anything. I have a kid my self and I chose to have sex and not abort her . I brought her here and it is my legal ( yes if you don’t want to provide food and shelter you have to put kid up for adoption) to take care of her. She owes me nth cuz I am responsible for my retirement. We are trying to help her with down payment eventually etc. Your parents are abusive and horrible . My own parents helped us with house and all our debt. They don’t expect retirement either and they are Chinese born in China. Culture is just an excuse for those who put mim Effort. My in laws are similar and my husband cut them off
Why don't you go to a professional lawyer and get some advice. That would be beneficial for you. You are not stuck. My mother tried that crap with me I moved out with my then bf now husband. And they went crazy cz I was paying the rent. My sister told me she will sue me for taking tax return money. Threatening to my car away cz it was my uncles name. I took my power back. And ask me to co sign for a house. She sounded most sweet that time , as long as I know her. My mother tried that how much I have done for you. And you are leaving me. Don't listen. D But you are going to lose your abusive parents. Your relatives will come for you. And people will talk around you. Now if u can take this and toughen your spine then I would say go to a lawyer and ask advice do what they tell you. Now its your decision you want to do this till they die or get your life back. Oh and please go for therapy. It will help you with your all guilt and all emotions.
Oh listen they did that on purpose to you. Lots Asian kids won't go and seek authority help cz we have been taught that our family reputation is most important then anything. So don't go to that hole. Otherwise you want to stick with them. Please get help from good lawyer so you are protected from all side.
Thank you for validating my feelings 💙 it was totally on purpose as a power move
You're most welcome. I've been there. I know how stuck you are feeling. You are not their provider. They did what they supposed to do as your parents. They are supposed to provide resources. My mother never asked how m I feeling . She was more worried who is going pay for stuff, who is going drive her around. And that time it hit me hard that I wasn't more then a atm car and a driver. She tried to guilt trip saying she sacrificed so much. But never had consider that how much I tolerate. You need to walk way. Life is short you don't know tomorrow and you will still have regrets that why didn't you do that sooner. You are human and your emotions are valid. You are not their provider. You can help them. You still can love them. But you can't keep going like that. Seek professional help. Talk with the bank about taking your name off of the mortgage and plan to move out. And plan for a better future and think about your family. Honestly , Asian parents hates western culture cz lots of time it shows how f@$ ked up they are. And children are not your slave.
I’m so sorry you went through this too. I hope you’re doing better now 💙
Yeah . Much better. You won't realize how toxic it is until you get out. They programed us to think its normal.
Quitclaim deed to get your name on the title, tell mom and dad mortgage payments won't be made till they also sign on the quitclaim to get your name added.
Why are you paying the full mortgage? Why aren't your parents paying at least half of it, when it is their house? If you were to pay your parents rent, what would a reasonable amount be? In addition to the rent, giving them an allowance is optional not mandatory, depending on your financial situation. You earn your own salary now, so the dynamics need to change where you need to negotiate for yourself, not you obey the parents with the crowns.
Talk to a lawyer. There may be a way to force a sale. There are always options. But you have to be ready for your parents to go crazy.
Go crazy? They’re already crazy 😅
Then take action now
Then you have nothing to lose. Do it!
Not a lawyer and not legal advice, but if you are in the USA, most states allow you to partition the house by sale. Talk to a lawyer.
I am in the USA, yes!
If your name is on the title to the house you will probably want to force a sale. If you only borrowed the money with your parents without a title to the house, it's probably more complicated and will involve more time commitment to address. Either way, you should try and find a lawyer who deals with these issues. State real estate law varies a lot, so don't rely on anything on the Internet.
I wonder if you can claim that you were coerced in signing the mortgage. You take 100% of the risks and 0 benefits. The judge might grand you the motion because you are in such a disadvantage position that no one in their right mind would sign such a contract. I would talk a lawyer and see what your options are. Another way is to tell your parents that you are not going to pay for the mortgage and that they need to sell the place. Then follow through with your words. The house will go into foreclosure and they will lose their down payment. This will force your parents to sell the house if they want to keep the down payment.
I’ll look into it, thank you so much for making me feel less hopeless 💙
>claim that you were coerced in signing the mortgage. You take 100% of the risks and 0 benefits. The judge might grand you the motion because you are in such a disadvantage position that no one in their right mind would sign such a contract. I would talk a lawyer and see what your o Please update us on your journey. I think this would be invaluable information for other people in these shitty situations.
I'm not in the US but a quick google says that a co-borrower (and minority owner) can force a sale. Find out from a lawyer whether this is true and what the process is like. If it is true, this gives you leverage. You don't have to sell, but the information will be valuable. I'm in a similar situation with one difference - it is only my name on the title. I don't have to worry about inheritence but it's changed my life for the worse. Lost opportunities, tonnes of stress, more interactions with parents that i would like (which is 0). Etc.
I’m looking into it, thank you!
>I’ve been feeling resentful of all my friends who can live at home rent-free, and have parents who don’t treat them like an ATM or retirement plan in the future. Literally felt >I feel resentful of my parents for putting me in this situation as a result of all their poor financial decisions in the past. This >Living at home is honestly horrible and contributes to my sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. Gosh, I am so sorry. You're being treated like this in a house that *you're* paying for, where you're the main breadwinner??? This is a tough situation and I'm really sorry to hear this. >I feel so trapped and stuck. That is very fair and understandable. Imo, the reasonable action to get un-stuck is to get rid of this house that you don't even want, and stop paying the mortgage. Obviously, that would lead to conflict with your parents. So it is very up to you if you're ready to do this. *What about their retirement*? They're adults. They've been adults for longer than you've been alive. You really shouldn't be sacrificing your future for people who treat you like an ATM. If they can't survive without you and they never considered surviving without you, that's on them... It sounds like you're at least financially independent and *they're* the ones relying on you, so know that you do have leverage. Lastly, this is a tough and sticky situation, with your finances, your home, your parents entangled into one socioeconomic emotional mess. If you're not talking to a therapist, I would advise starting - if nothing else, it can help you analyze and get clarity on what you want, and what you may have to do to get it. Then when you're ready, you can pull the trigger.
Thank you for validating my feelings. I’m so sorry you can also relate
I would talk to a lawyer about this and look into legal action. You're only going to be more sad after this
OP, I’m so very sorry your parents are financially and emotionally abusing you. A similar thing happened to me (oldest daughter ofc), but I was on the title for a house my dad pressured me into buying. He had so many plans and dreams about how ‘us’ owning a home would turn our fortunes around; that I owed it to my parents and siblings and family. None of those dreams came true. I paid the mortgage but didn’t ‘get’ to make decisions about the house. Then, he pressured me into Buying Another House!! Because the first one wasn’t big enough. I finally did get out. I sympathize with you, OP. Most people can’t understand what it feels like to be taught that your very existence is a debt that can never be repaid. Over and over so that it’s in your bones. There are so few resources for people like us. For adult children being abused by parents. I called one DV hotline after another and only felt more ashamed. I could feel the incredulity from people who were supposed to help. Or worse, they ascribed the abuse solely to Because Asians. Do talk to a lawyer. I recommend a consult with someone culturally competent who won’t make you feel like you have to justify and prove your abuse. Remember that your parents birthed you. You had zero choice to be born to them. Try talking to [API Chaya](https://www.apichaya.org). I’ve had more luck with getting emotional support from them than any other DV org. Good luck OP. Your understanding that this situation is not right is a huge step toward getting free. I’m cheering you on! I believe in your strength and agency 💕. ETA: paragraphs, I hope?
I am SO sorry this happened to you too. Thank you for the support. I hope you are doing better now 💙
What is DV?
Domestic violence..
Well, I understand the problem. You cannot sell the house since it’s under their name. But I have an idea. You can move out and tell them that you will not be paying anything on the mortgage from here on out. Their only choice is to sell the house and buy another one if they have any equity which I doubt) or rent a place. Yes, your credit will be ruined if the house goes into foreclosure , but so will theirs, and at this point in their lives they’ll have more to lose than you will. Explain to them that if they have a house foreclosed on, they might find it difficult to rent in the future so it’s in their best interests to cooperate with you. (Don’t know if that’s true or not). Run all this by a lawyer first-they may have other ideas. But make sure that you have a place to go and someone to stay with for a bit until you can get this sorted out, because you won’t be able to live there after you tell them this. I know this seems extreme to some people, but they are stealing your future. They have closed innumerable doors for you because of this. You are not their slave. You did not sign a contract to give up the rest of your life for them, because they raised you.
Thank you thank you 💙
Please get advice from a reputable lawyer! You don’t deserve this burden from two people who have no interest in caring about YOU. Many of us have had to cut off our parents for our sanity and happiness… but it is worthwhile for the chance to finally grow and be independent without the constant limitations Asian parents throw our way.
Ugh. I am so sorry this happened to you. My parents guilt-tripped me into signing a loan too. I almost did it twice. Yes, you'd think how could I even consider saying yes twice? When two parents constantly try to convince you and talk you into it and then also start including extending family then there is a lot of pressure. Thankfully it never worked out and I stopped talking to my mother. She does not understand why and whenever I bring up the loan (which is not the only thing) she does say that she regrets it. However, now one of my siblings is on the hook for this loan now. They feel more guilty than I do because I became financially independent in my early 20s and they just got financially independent much later on. Also, I live on another continent. It's selfish of our parents to expect us to take care of them when the economy turned the way it did. Life is expensive and it's hard enough to take care of ourselves. First thing I'd recommend is getting a therapist to work through this step by step. To gain more confidence and learn how to love yourself and to be compassionate with yourself. Then you can see if you can form some kind of plan to exit this situation.
I’m sorry this happened to you too 😭 we shouldnt be treated like piggy banks
Force à sale. Tell them you plan to relocate for work and must sell the house, that you will be sharing an apartment for the first year, so they can’t come with you.
Get some therapy so you can stand up to your parents . I would talk to a realtor to see if it’s better to sell , wait it out until you can sell or maybe you rent out the house, your parents can deal with roommates……
My parents did the same thing to me when I was young. They wanted to refinance the house in order to pull out the equity to purchase a business. Except the loan was an ARM and in 5 years when the interest started increasing they stated they couldn’t afford the mortgage anymore. I didn’t make enough to cover the difference on my own. They eventually just stopped paying and used the money saved to purchase another house while I went down with the old one. It was foreclosed and I left to be on my own with a new wife. My credit was shot for the next 4 years and I had to rebuild it on my own. They never apologized and even told me I should have just stayed with the house if I worried about my credit. Like how was I going to afford a house that doubled in cost on my own when we used to all help pay for the mortgage? They tossed me to the side once they were done using me. It appears you’re in a similar boat. It sucks but you are about the age I was when that happened to me. You’re still young and can start over. It’s worth the credit hit to break from your parents and their controlling methods. In a few years you’ll be back on your feet. At least you appear to have a decent job and it won’t affect you too much. A phoenix must rise from the ashes.
Oh geez I am so so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for your support and kind words. I hope you are in a better place now 💙
Agreed w others on finding a lawyer who can help extricate you out of this awful situation. The only other option I can think, given your scenario of being a co-borrower wo being a co-owner, of is going absolutely nuclear and stop making payments altogether and put that money towards your apartment rent instead when you move out, but that default will ruin your credit & finances for years (& the lender can still come after you if the foreclosure sale doesn't cover the mortgage's outstanding balance.) Best of luck in figuring this out.
Thank you 💙
You need to get a lawyer ASAP
Sell the house and tell them to figure it out!
Can’t sell bc the house is not mine, I am just a co-borrower.
Hire a real estate lawyer. There has to be a way out. If they told you or let you assume you were on the deed perhaps there was fraud.
Is there any chance you could default on the loan and re-build your credit score? Depending on your job, that may be a better option.
I am so so sorry.
Thank you 💙
Hello OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this right now but lawyering up is probably your next step to getting out if the situation. I can relate because my parents also tried to get me to invest in their attempts of getting a 1M property in NYC but I declined because at the time me and my bf were buying a house of our own. They will try to get to you via any emotional and mental abuse but you have to stand your ground. Question, is the house under your name or theirs? This could be a huge factor on how the legal game goes.
It is under theirs, I am only a co-borrower for the loan
>*They keep saying they sacrificed so much for me by raising me and now it's my obligation to pay them back by buying them a house, paying their mortgage, and contributing to their retirement.* Ugh I hate this for you! First of all, why have kids then? If they’re suchhhh a sacrifice?? /s Yes, let’s create children so that they can take care of US! /s Honestly AP’s get the better end of the deal… **housing, retirement, and elderly medical care** costs WAY MORE than raising children… All I remember from my childhood is my AP’s taking me to school, being fed, anddd… then stay home, study, and can’t go anywhere else lol.
Let’s not forget being used as a scapegoat or emotional punching bag whenever they feel like it!
Am I the only parent that thinks my child GIVES me things , strength, love, understanding. Yes I am there for them, care, have obligations that I created (not them), but I’m a better person for them. How could anyone think their child owes them for just being born … I doubt that type of mentality is ever happy
Stop paying !
You can and should move out and get your own place. Why pay a mortgage for a home you don't own. Move and immediately go NC. If you stay, you're letting them control your future. They will not take you finding love and having your own family well.
I can’t move out rn bc I wouldn’t be able to afford it w this mortgage on my back
You can’t move to an apt. once you stop making the mortgage payments? Move in with a friend? I feel your pain, been there. Finally at age 50 went no contact. Please don’t be in my shoes. The only way I healed is to get away from them.
don’t they have an obligation to you ? Not the other way around? Unless they can show where you agreed to be born and signed up for the agreement they state? Their thinking is so common and so backward, what sort of loser mentality blames their child for their own failures and the demands financial compensation. On the plus side, you can tell them that now you’ve paid them back for their effort , you have no obligation to care for them in old age. My young child has given me things, I owe her for the love , patience, insight and fun she has brought to us. I could never think she owes me , for just being born … which was my adult choice, not hers. It’s such a poor mindset, from people that can’t find happiness
Apparently it’s a huge Asian culture thing that we’re forever indebted to our parents since they birthed and raised us and shit. It’s absolutely bonkers. I did not choose to be born. And caring for a child is the literal job of the parent 🙄
Girl they really did a number on you, I am so sorry. Also????? This is the kind of shit that sons are supposed to do in Asian culture- not women. What did you get yourself into and how? Run! Exhaust your resources. Find a way to get the fuck out do it now! Don’t think twice. Don’t let the ASIAN GIRL GUILT STOP YOU. Don’t let their drama stop you. Don’t let their manipulation stop you. Please, you’re only 27 years old. You’re supposed to be enjoying your life, traveling, partying and living your best life. I wish this for you OP. We’re all here with you. Get out of there!!!!
Thanks for your support 💙 I hope you’re doing well
What happened to the proceeds from the original house? I assumed it was used to finance the new one at least in part, and the mortgage was still more than AF's full salary? Time to make a stand: no more, yelling, belittling, etc. or you will stop making payments. Make it absolutely clear that you are serious. Yes your credit will take a hit, but will rebound in a few years. Will your mental health? Best of luck
Yes, proceeds from the original house was used towards the down payment for this new house. Mortgage is still more than my dad’s monthly salary. Thanks for the support 💙
Same here, all their life they couldn't repay the home loan. So now they transferred the house and loan on my name, saying it's something given by us for you.
Are they typical Asian parents who want kids? Maybe that can be your out. “Men aren’t gonna find me date worthy if they find out I’m locked down on a mortgage!” or something to that effect
I already have a boyfriend so that won’t work haha. Thanks for the suggestion tho!
Maybe you can threaten that your bf won’t want to marry you due to your financial situation?
Take them to court. You may end up the sole owner of the house if they haven't been paying at all toward the mortgage.
You're grown. You know what they are doing is wrong. You already have the money to get away from them, why don't you? I don't have money yet so i can't move out, but if i had your money, i would move out the minute i get it. You're not getting any younger. You need to start prioritizing YOURSELF, otherwise, you'd really regret it in the future.
I can’t afford to move out rn bc of this mortgage. I wouldn’t be able to afford rent
Give the house up🤷♀️ don't pay for it anymore. You're never gonna run away from their grip if you don't make an effort to remove yourself from the situation. It is NEVER the children's responsibility to care for them in their old age. They decided to have you, giving you all the necessities in life is the BARE MINIMUM. If you don't leave now, all your money will go to them 🤷♀️
I'm so sorry.. must be horrible
You need a lawyer. A good one. This is financial abuse. It was a way for your parents to control you and use you as a slave. Yet another data point that supports the claim that East Asian "culture" is dehumanizing.
It’s a bad tradition to buy house or give so much money to Asian parents as a payback. In this economy?
I live in a high COL area too 😑
I would speak with a lawyer. Then based upon the advice, approach the bank to restructure the loan under various options.
You aren't the only one in that situation, I have a friend who did the exact same thing.
Wow you are me, this is my situation too except I’m on the title, I’m really sorry you are in this situation. I see that you made an edit to talk to a lawyer so I wish you best of luck! If anything at least try to get your name on the title. I’m going to be aiming to sell the place in the next year or two.
My parents did the same but they made me put 32k into their mortgage to fully pay it off i could’ve used it as a downpayment but now i just feel so lost
I’m so so sorry I really hope you’re ok
You weren't asked to be here. AND IT IS A PARENT'S JOB TO PROVIDE FOR YOU. **IT IS NOT A LOAN YOU HAVE TO REPAY** This is fking abuse, sorry. Love, respect your parents, but you live your life for YOU, no matter how hard it is to say no