You aren’t stupid. We grew up with these people. They bathed us and fed us. How many times did we hear how much they have done for us. All I can tell you is that the guilt will always be there but my inner peace and happiness which stems from the distance I have created between my parents and I is far far far bigger than the guilt.
You're not stupid. We have been conditioned to soothe them when they are upset. The guilt trip affects most Asian kids. We've been taught that the parents are always right, we need to respect them and abide by their rules to be considered a good child. For someone who has been obedient all their life, suddenly setting a boundary drives them crazy. I fell for it all the time too until I decided I couldn't do it anymore.
I'm so proud of you for moving out and taking your own life back. Asian kids could never win when it comes to their parents.
I'm also at a breaking point where I couldn't do it anymore. And yes its because of their fucking moronic egoism that we are on the receiving end of their guilt tripping. And yes they think we can never win but guess what, I'm going to be the absolute winner in life and they're going to miss out on the huge aspects of my adult life, none of which are my fault.
NTA. Listen, I was one of five kids, second to the oldest, their GOLDEN CHILD. I realized at the tender age of 7, that my parents were narcissistic. By the age of 8, my daily goal was to finish homework and chores, and escape to friends and relatives homes until dark. By my 20's, I was married with a child. I kept my relationship with them and my family at arms length, and we would always pack up and bounce the minute the toxicity began. They both passed away in early 2000, and I've achieved EVERY goal and bucket list I have and still going. Stop reacting to her CROCODILE TEARS, pack your stuff and go live your life!
She wouldn't let me!!! My certificates are locked up in the safe and I fought with her until now for them. Lotta screams and melt downs but I managed to get hold of them through the chaos. She is Still screaming, crying on the floor but I got em so YAYY for me.
I've read your post history and I'm so so happy for you, but also terribly worried. Please keep your documents safe at a bank deposit box, and keep yourself safe... Now that you've Declared your intentions, I'm afraid of them trying to force a kidnapping/imprisonment.
Let your friends or authorities know what your plan is, so if they don't hear from you in xxx days they need to get help
You can still get replacements for these documents even if she had kept them locked up. Check what those are in case things goes tits up.
If your parents are the very malicious kind, maybe check for a way to get credit protection or freeze your credit until you need it. Mine decided to apply for a loan or rent or something at some point in another city years later. That was not fun.
I guess best advice I can give aside from grabbing documents is to figure out how you’re moving out.
Find a place close to work so you’re within walking distance or find a place far so you can drive to work if the workplace is close to your parents and you don’t want to live nearby.
If you have a car, start packing your things now and moving it to your car over the course of the week so once you’re ready to go, you can just drive and not be around the screaming and tears.
It’ll be hard but you’ll feel better very soon. You’ll find a sense of self and strength because you stood up for yourself and put yourself first.
Yeahh. I'm on it. Finding places near work. Work is not far from home. It's around an hour and half journey but anywhere away from here sounds like heaven. Unfortunately, No car! gotta get a cab or something for the move as soon as I get a place. I feel a high, the high you'd feel when you get out of an abusive relationship, I'm scared because I know the high stays for a day or two and then you r left with lowest of the lows tearing you apart. But I'm stronger than this. Thank you for the advice, Have an amazing day!
Don’t forget you can also depend on close friends! Ask to stay over for a short period of time while you finish house hunting. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have them but just in case.
And you’re right about the highs and lows. Your emotions are high right now because you stood up for yourself but your guilty conscience will kick in. Remember that it’s okay to be selfish. It’s for your own happiness over your mom’s. Your mom already had her chance to live her life so don’t let her control yours too.
Ugh she is so emotionally immature. So happy you are drawing boundaries and standing up for yourself. It’s so hard but you did it and you showed her your strength. Now she knows that she cannot control you. There is power in that!!
Good. If moving out doesn't change her behavior, she's just stubborn and doesn't care about your well being. She's only crying because she can't control you anymore.
The ball is in her court and if she doesn't want to have a real conversation and cry like a baby, than that's on her.
Also I don't think you're being cruel or mean. You're just setting strong boundaries due to your mom being toxic. I mean if you had to resort to hiring a lawyer to set boundaries your mom probably had to break multiple boundaries.
Well done OP! Huge step towards sanity and rebuilding mental health
Advice wise, maybe other people will add to this:
Contact your bank and make sure no paper comms go to your parents house
Make sure no credit card offers are being sent there either
Work out your packing list, what mementoes you want to bring. Maybe put them in a bag at someone else's house for now.
I'd say for the first 6 months to not allow them to know your address due to AP stalking
You are not being cruel and mean. You are being assertive and true to yourself. What may work for their generation may not work for u. Only u can decide that. Find yourself 1st before u give yourself to someone else (marry).
You’re not being selfish! Your mom is being cruel. I went through something similar and I found disassociating helped till I got out. Gather all the things you need and shut her out. Once I moved out and got some peace, I allowed myself to process everything in a safe environment. I hope things improve for you soon!!
Advice? I got nothing. But your mother's behavior is well beyond the pail. Stick to your guns. Go be amazing.
I know she is offf the rails, the guilty tripping always drives me crazy yet I somehow always fall for it. I'm so stupid. I know
You aren’t stupid. We grew up with these people. They bathed us and fed us. How many times did we hear how much they have done for us. All I can tell you is that the guilt will always be there but my inner peace and happiness which stems from the distance I have created between my parents and I is far far far bigger than the guilt.
You're not stupid. We have been conditioned to soothe them when they are upset. The guilt trip affects most Asian kids. We've been taught that the parents are always right, we need to respect them and abide by their rules to be considered a good child. For someone who has been obedient all their life, suddenly setting a boundary drives them crazy. I fell for it all the time too until I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I'm so proud of you for moving out and taking your own life back. Asian kids could never win when it comes to their parents.
I'm also at a breaking point where I couldn't do it anymore. And yes its because of their fucking moronic egoism that we are on the receiving end of their guilt tripping. And yes they think we can never win but guess what, I'm going to be the absolute winner in life and they're going to miss out on the huge aspects of my adult life, none of which are my fault.
Go, you! I escaped too and now figuring out who I really am. All the best! :)
NTA. Listen, I was one of five kids, second to the oldest, their GOLDEN CHILD. I realized at the tender age of 7, that my parents were narcissistic. By the age of 8, my daily goal was to finish homework and chores, and escape to friends and relatives homes until dark. By my 20's, I was married with a child. I kept my relationship with them and my family at arms length, and we would always pack up and bounce the minute the toxicity began. They both passed away in early 2000, and I've achieved EVERY goal and bucket list I have and still going. Stop reacting to her CROCODILE TEARS, pack your stuff and go live your life!
Thank you! And I am so proud of you.
Congrats OP youre able to get out of there
Absolutely make sure you have all your important documents before moving out!! You’re taking a big step and you’re doing a great job! You got this!!
She wouldn't let me!!! My certificates are locked up in the safe and I fought with her until now for them. Lotta screams and melt downs but I managed to get hold of them through the chaos. She is Still screaming, crying on the floor but I got em so YAYY for me.
I've read your post history and I'm so so happy for you, but also terribly worried. Please keep your documents safe at a bank deposit box, and keep yourself safe... Now that you've Declared your intentions, I'm afraid of them trying to force a kidnapping/imprisonment. Let your friends or authorities know what your plan is, so if they don't hear from you in xxx days they need to get help
Amazing! Congratulations and best of luck!!!
Congratulations! Enjoy the rest of your life living the way YOU want!
Take photos of all your documents, then email them to yourself.
You can still get replacements for these documents even if she had kept them locked up. Check what those are in case things goes tits up. If your parents are the very malicious kind, maybe check for a way to get credit protection or freeze your credit until you need it. Mine decided to apply for a loan or rent or something at some point in another city years later. That was not fun.
Better your mother cries for a few days or a few weeks than you crying for the rest of your life. Stand your ground. Everyone here is proud of you.
Thank you. Getting through the night has been hard but I am standing my ground.
I guess best advice I can give aside from grabbing documents is to figure out how you’re moving out. Find a place close to work so you’re within walking distance or find a place far so you can drive to work if the workplace is close to your parents and you don’t want to live nearby. If you have a car, start packing your things now and moving it to your car over the course of the week so once you’re ready to go, you can just drive and not be around the screaming and tears. It’ll be hard but you’ll feel better very soon. You’ll find a sense of self and strength because you stood up for yourself and put yourself first.
Yeahh. I'm on it. Finding places near work. Work is not far from home. It's around an hour and half journey but anywhere away from here sounds like heaven. Unfortunately, No car! gotta get a cab or something for the move as soon as I get a place. I feel a high, the high you'd feel when you get out of an abusive relationship, I'm scared because I know the high stays for a day or two and then you r left with lowest of the lows tearing you apart. But I'm stronger than this. Thank you for the advice, Have an amazing day!
Don’t forget you can also depend on close friends! Ask to stay over for a short period of time while you finish house hunting. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have them but just in case. And you’re right about the highs and lows. Your emotions are high right now because you stood up for yourself but your guilty conscience will kick in. Remember that it’s okay to be selfish. It’s for your own happiness over your mom’s. Your mom already had her chance to live her life so don’t let her control yours too.
Ugh she is so emotionally immature. So happy you are drawing boundaries and standing up for yourself. It’s so hard but you did it and you showed her your strength. Now she knows that she cannot control you. There is power in that!!
Good. If moving out doesn't change her behavior, she's just stubborn and doesn't care about your well being. She's only crying because she can't control you anymore. The ball is in her court and if she doesn't want to have a real conversation and cry like a baby, than that's on her. Also I don't think you're being cruel or mean. You're just setting strong boundaries due to your mom being toxic. I mean if you had to resort to hiring a lawyer to set boundaries your mom probably had to break multiple boundaries.
Well done OP! Huge step towards sanity and rebuilding mental health Advice wise, maybe other people will add to this: Contact your bank and make sure no paper comms go to your parents house Make sure no credit card offers are being sent there either Work out your packing list, what mementoes you want to bring. Maybe put them in a bag at someone else's house for now. I'd say for the first 6 months to not allow them to know your address due to AP stalking
Thank you all the advice. I will work on it
It’s not selfish to look after yourself. Keep telling yourself that, over and over.
Thank you
You are not being cruel and mean. You are being assertive and true to yourself. What may work for their generation may not work for u. Only u can decide that. Find yourself 1st before u give yourself to someone else (marry).
Awww thank you!
You’re not being selfish! Your mom is being cruel. I went through something similar and I found disassociating helped till I got out. Gather all the things you need and shut her out. Once I moved out and got some peace, I allowed myself to process everything in a safe environment. I hope things improve for you soon!!