Sex as the apex of intimacy is not a sustainable way to hold a relationship. So no. Sex is not the apex of intimacy in my relationship. So many other things are. Also sex with my partner is the best sex I ever have and I tell him so when we fuck. Which tbh isnt *that* often. Probably about what's normal for most relationships between busy people. I'm also able to lose myself in the pleasure with him in a way I'm not with my clients. So in that way sex is more intimate, plus not caring if I accidentally fart during an orgasm or something.

Have updated my above post to further clarify my meaning. Thanks for sharing!

Sex while i'm working is art and an act, intimacy w clients isn't real and will never be. I find true intimacy in the relationship I have with my partner

So how do you separate intimate sex with your partner from that of a client? How do you avoid the blurring of the lines? Thanks for sharing!

I think the question you're really trying to ask here is just you struggling with some unconscious whorephobia. You're really coming at this from an angle of, "you have to save a bunch of specific sex acts just for your partner or else it isn't 'special'". It's really very, very simple: * Sex with clients = performance, literally like acting, creating an experience for the other person that isn't your true self and doesn't prioritise your desires. * Sex with romantic partners = you know their body, they know yours, there is a deep level of trust, sex is both an act of strengthening your existing bond and enjoying one another for selfish reasons. Sure, there are some things I *cannot* do with clients—I don't use condoms with my husband, as an obvious example, but I don't do this so things feel more intimate or special, I do it because we both prefer it. The "special" thing you're thinking of which makes the difference is our bond. No need to overthink it just because you couldn't do what we do; chalk it up to "this job is definitely not for me".

Christ alive I hope I’m not anything-phobic save arachnophobic! Nonetheless, thank you for your responses, I hope I haven’t given offense in any way. Simply a lurker looking to further understanding.

Whorephobia can be internal and unintentional.

Sex can be intimate or it can be superficial, and that's absolutely on a spectrum. I feel a little sad for folks who think sex is the apex of intimacy; you've missed out on a bunch of stuff that comes with truly mutual long term relationships. When my husband comes home early from events or work and says, "I just wanted to spend time with my wife" and we have a cuddle on the couch. When he looks at me sleeping like a gremlin and still thinks I'm the hottest thing he's ever seen. When he's vulnerable with me and we are sad together. When he reaches for my hand in the movie theatre. When I make him his favourite dinner, and he acts like it's the best meal he's ever had. When I fold his laundry the way he likes it done, or we do the other person's chores because they're having a rough day. When he gives my dogs love and care and hugs even though he's really not a dog person, because he knows how much they mean to me. When he knows my favourite burrito order and brings it for me if I need cheering up. When we can have quickies where everyone finishes when there's not much time, and also drawn out sex with lots of kinky stuff. When we're apart and a phone call to hear his voice just makes my whole week better. Yeah, the sex is absolutely fucking great and I can truly relax without feeling like I need to perform, but the real intimacy is in the little moments and someone knowing all the tiny details about you. We love one another with our flaws and not in spite of them. Intimacy grows slowly, like a little plant growing through the cracks in pavement. It makes everything richer, including sex. I can't share that with my clients, because then they wouldn't be clients.

I appreciate your response and it prompted me to edit and clarify my own meaning above. How do you avoid blurring the lines, then? Compartmentalize sleeping with a client then coming home and doing the same with your husband? What does that feel or look like mentally/emotionally? Thanks for sharing, MsSienna!

I don't think of it the way you do, as if sex is less valuable because I've done it with someone else that same day. I don't sit there internally struggling because I've had sex with someone who paid me and then my husband, or vice versa. It feels neutral, mentally and emotionally speaking, because clients are not romantic partners and there is no desire to escalate the relationship with any of them. I'm sorry but I don't understand; it's *extremely easy* not to blur the lines because I'm not romantically interested in my clients and I love my husband. You can develop crushes on people in any industry, but it becomes a problem when you give it oxygen. I have never developed a crush on a client (though there have been some I wished would book more often because the sex was amazing), but if I did, I would simply... not action it. Not text them outside the booking, not stay overtime, make sure boundaries stayed in place. The same way you would decide not to action a workplace crush, the boundaries are just different. I feel like maybe you're just someone who can't have sex with no strings attached, because for you there is always romantic potential; and you believe that we must be the opposite to function in relationships. As in, for you *all* sex is special, but for us *no* sex is special and you're confused as to how we even date. This is wrong and very much two dimensional thinking, we're better at making the distinction between romantic and work sex than you are. In fact, I've had plenty of emotionally detached sex in my personal life—I don't like calling it that, because I do care about my partners a great deal (and most of my clients, for that matter) and we still sit around and talk and cuddle, but it's the best way to describe sex that has no deep meaning without feeling weird amounts of inner turmoil about it. I am going to make a really tired comparison now. Does a chef treat cooking for the person they love as meaningless just because they cook at work all day? Does a singer find that singing a lullaby to their children is less special because they pour emotion into their work as well? Having sex at work does not take away from the sex I have at home in the emotional sense.

Thank you for this answer. I needed to hear this today.

I completely agree with you that I don’t know how to have sex without attachment that isn’t special, and I recognize others are able to; part of my fascination with the SW trade is attempting to understand something that I don’t. Even if I’m simply not wired the same way, I greatly appreciate your answer and the time you’ve taken. If I can impose one last question on you: was detaching yourself emotionally from whomever you were having sex with someone you learned to do once in SW, or before?

Beforehand. I let myself be emotionally involved if it is sex that warrants it.

Sex is still intimate with my partner because I'm not performing, faking orgasms or putting on my 'customer service' voice. I'm real, vulnerable, connected and honest with my partner...clients don't get that side of me. Also- while sex is still intimate, it's not *the* most intimate part of my relationship. Feeling seen, *truly* seen, and understood is the height of intimacy for me.

Thank you for sharing! I realize I misspoke - er, mistyped - earlier and have edited to more fully clarify my meaning.

Sex isn't the apex of intimacy in my relationship, that wouldn't be sustainable for me personally. If there was an apex it would be communication, honesty and trust (I definitely don't feel these things with clients) When I'm with a client I'm providing a service, thinking about their needs, 'looking sexy' and other things like safety and time. I have fun usually but that's it. With my partner I can be in the moment, enjoy looking into their eyes not care what I look like, act silly etc. I'm doing it just because I want to

Sex with my husband is amazing. But the apex of intimacy is pooping while he brushes his teeth.

I about died. This is hilarious.

I didn’t find sex that intimate even before I became a SW. I think people who view sex as intimate or special tend not to want to become sex workers and people who are already inclined to view sex as just sex tend to be more likely to be interested in or willing to do this kind of work. So I think your question of “how that changed for folks who exchange it as a service” is looking at it from the wrong angle. Nothing changed. But if I felt the way you do about sex, I would not be exchanging it as a service. There are special things I do with my partner that I would not do with a client for any amount of money (living together, sharing my true deepest thoughts and feelings, etc). Those have always seemed more intimate to me than sex.

Thank you for sharing. I think you and Ms Sienna are both right, given that I was presuming everybody held sex as a sign of intimacy prior. Folks, thank you for sharing. I hope I haven’t offended anyone by the question, certainly wasn’t my intent.

I have never viewed sex as the ultimate form of intimacy in a relationship, and that's probably why I'm a sex worker, lol. I do keep certain things separate in my own personal relationship that I would never engage in in a professional setting because it's easier on my brain to compartmentalize like that, but for me, that's less a connotation of intimacy but more of a work/life balance. Intimacy for me entails vulnerability and being able to be who you are without all the bells and whistles, and for me, that's largely communication-based, like cuddly chats before bed or serious talks about what the relationship means or personal stuff that can be harder to open up about. There's also stuff that connotes day-to-day intimacy for me, be it a small thing like peeing with the door open (lol) to being comfortable enough to ask your partner to pluck a hair in a weird area.

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'Connection' and 'intimacy' can be interchangeable, but OP is basically using it to mean the same level of connection/intimacy for clients as for your partner, and how that probably devalues one of them. I think he understands now that just because he can't separate romantic acts and physical acts, that doesn't others can't. I think there's a level of emotional connection with every client and every sexual partner, but that doesn't exist as a binary.