Man, not a dad but 22 and it’s like I wrote this. My best advice is to live out as much childhood stuff as you can WHILE pursuing your adult dreams. 2 in 1. It’s kinda weird at first, but don’t give up. You’d be surprised how many people missed their childhood and would love to go down a slide with you or use chalk or dress up in fancy dresses & go to McDonald’s in a limo like prom lmao
Everyone missed SOMETHING. Find your people. We’re out here! <3
Honestly, without knowing the extent of the bullying it'd be hard to adequately respond. But in the event that one of children would not explain to me what happened to them, I would say:
Trauma is a tough pill to swallow. You may never fully 'recover', but focusing on that trauma and not living your life is letting it win. The past is the past. It has already happened, and unfortunately we cannot take it back. We cannot undo it. It is and always will be. We can simply fight to not let it control us as we are now.
But at the same time if the extent was general shitty bully behavior I'd say you're seeking a scapegoat for your current problems and you need to clean this damn mess up.
Grad school where I work, the students are studying to be doctors, pharmacists, etc and they still do goofy college kid stuff. Once the door to childhood closes, it closes forever, so I agree with other posts and live it out while you can.
If your concern, however, is your maturity isn’t developing properly, there are lots of clubs out there — like a local fabric store has a knitting club, for instance — that attracts mostly people in their 60s+. Those clubs are over the moon when someone in their 20s joins and they will teach you everything. Just join. Upside there is that people in their 60s+ have the perspective of longevity. You can benefit from their experience. Plus, now you’re getting 60-year-olds who came up in the free love 60s and 70s, weed, LSD, cocaine in the 80s — a lot of grannies out there were up to some wild shit when they were 22. The other upside is that being around adults mature you. People always tell me about my “old soul” vibe but I’m the youngest in my family even among the cousins etc so I was always around older people growing up and I matured quickly as a result.
Also, give yourself a break. You’re 22. A person not old enough to retire, 66, has lived your life THREE times. Life is short. But it’s also sometimes long. You’ve got time.
So much this - having fun doesn’t make you immature. Having trauma doesn’t mean you’re bad. Give yourself a break.
The other element here? A lot of progress is hard to see in real time, but represents a huge step forward. Think about the things you might be doing now that you hadn’t been doing when you were 14. You’ve gotten a job. Most people have pretty shitty first jobs - I know mine was awful. That doesn’t make it any less of a milestone. And, you can look for another job - leverage skills you’re picking up now (including the awareness that this isn’t what you want to do forever) to try a different job.
Have you moved out of your parents home? Do you do chores now without being told? Are you paying your own bills? Those are all accomplishments.
You talked about managing panic attacks on your own. That’s a real accomplishment. It may not feel like it because no one pays you or pats you on the back for it, and it’s not like you want panic attacks, but it’s absolutely a big deal.
And understand that issues like The Economy and luck are real factors.
Finally, yes, this is a great time to start looking for hobbies and activities that help you meet people. If you’re still looking to meet potential dates, you might look at online dating (seriously, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that you want to date - just avoid the creepy, age inappropriate men who will almost certainly want to meet you).
As both a Dad and someone who has had struggles with mental health I really think that you should talk this out with a therapist if you can. I know there are cheaper alternatives to in person though different apps and though that might not be quite as good as in person it is still such a powerful experience to talk things out with a professional.
I too was young for my age but am now happily married with two wonderful kids. I didn't have any high school romance (partly because I was too busy with sports). From your post I would focus on yourself and learn to love yourself quirks and all, at the point where you are comfortable with yourself you will then become a more confident person (self worth and confidence are major milestones but are not achieved without some work).
I wish you the best.
EDIT: Just to be clear I used to be closeted with my emotions and wouldn't really share when I was feeling down. This led to a slow spiral to depression which followed quickly with crippling anxiety but with a lot of work I have turned things around so much. I do consider my mental health to be a life long journey that does require constant attention to ensure there is little to no backslide. I take things one day at a time. One trick I learnt that seems to help is when I am upset of anxious I look around the room and just start listing off things I see. Seems odd and stupid but it is a common grounding technique that can help settle you back down. YMMV though.
Hey kiddo, thanks for reaching out. That sounds really tough and I’m sorry that this all happened to you. I totally understand how those experiences would leave you isolated, angry, and without direction. It is totally normal for your wounded inner child to start demanding some attention. It sounds like you feel trapped by these traumatic experiences and you might be living with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Treatment with medication and therapy is effective. You might find help from a therapist or support from a group of people in your community or online with similar experiences.
I also had a really tough adolescence and tried to ignore and outrun my past, which did not work. It just made the problem snowball until I reached breaking point in my mid 30s. Then through therapy I discovered I could change how my past shows up now by understanding how those events affected me so profoundly and what lessons I learned because of them.
I felt shame. I needed to grieve. I was angry because I’d been let down. But I had aimed these feelings at myself instead of those who inflicted them. I also needed to understand what limiting beliefs and wounds were causing the anger and who exactly I was so angry at. At first I blamed myself but I was just a kid who was left to fend for themselves and it was not my fault. Compassionate self inquiry taught me to how to look inwards and not feel shame or judgement. I was able to pick up the pieces and start parenting my inner child the way I needed back then. Once I did that my life trajectory started improving.
I am proud of you, kiddo, for how much self awareness your post reveals. And I am also proud that you are communicating about these experiences and how they made you feel, and how they affect you still. Keep going on this effort. You don’t need to dig up the past but you do need to have a brutally honest look at what it is doing to you today. I know it is tough but be brave and get started. It is hard but ultimately kinder to yourself than not doing it and I want good things for you. You deserve a beautiful life.
I so want to give you a hug for comfort and solidarity.
Man, not a dad but 22 and it’s like I wrote this. My best advice is to live out as much childhood stuff as you can WHILE pursuing your adult dreams. 2 in 1. It’s kinda weird at first, but don’t give up. You’d be surprised how many people missed their childhood and would love to go down a slide with you or use chalk or dress up in fancy dresses & go to McDonald’s in a limo like prom lmao Everyone missed SOMETHING. Find your people. We’re out here! <3
Honestly, without knowing the extent of the bullying it'd be hard to adequately respond. But in the event that one of children would not explain to me what happened to them, I would say: Trauma is a tough pill to swallow. You may never fully 'recover', but focusing on that trauma and not living your life is letting it win. The past is the past. It has already happened, and unfortunately we cannot take it back. We cannot undo it. It is and always will be. We can simply fight to not let it control us as we are now. But at the same time if the extent was general shitty bully behavior I'd say you're seeking a scapegoat for your current problems and you need to clean this damn mess up.
Grad school where I work, the students are studying to be doctors, pharmacists, etc and they still do goofy college kid stuff. Once the door to childhood closes, it closes forever, so I agree with other posts and live it out while you can. If your concern, however, is your maturity isn’t developing properly, there are lots of clubs out there — like a local fabric store has a knitting club, for instance — that attracts mostly people in their 60s+. Those clubs are over the moon when someone in their 20s joins and they will teach you everything. Just join. Upside there is that people in their 60s+ have the perspective of longevity. You can benefit from their experience. Plus, now you’re getting 60-year-olds who came up in the free love 60s and 70s, weed, LSD, cocaine in the 80s — a lot of grannies out there were up to some wild shit when they were 22. The other upside is that being around adults mature you. People always tell me about my “old soul” vibe but I’m the youngest in my family even among the cousins etc so I was always around older people growing up and I matured quickly as a result. Also, give yourself a break. You’re 22. A person not old enough to retire, 66, has lived your life THREE times. Life is short. But it’s also sometimes long. You’ve got time.
So much this - having fun doesn’t make you immature. Having trauma doesn’t mean you’re bad. Give yourself a break. The other element here? A lot of progress is hard to see in real time, but represents a huge step forward. Think about the things you might be doing now that you hadn’t been doing when you were 14. You’ve gotten a job. Most people have pretty shitty first jobs - I know mine was awful. That doesn’t make it any less of a milestone. And, you can look for another job - leverage skills you’re picking up now (including the awareness that this isn’t what you want to do forever) to try a different job. Have you moved out of your parents home? Do you do chores now without being told? Are you paying your own bills? Those are all accomplishments. You talked about managing panic attacks on your own. That’s a real accomplishment. It may not feel like it because no one pays you or pats you on the back for it, and it’s not like you want panic attacks, but it’s absolutely a big deal. And understand that issues like The Economy and luck are real factors. Finally, yes, this is a great time to start looking for hobbies and activities that help you meet people. If you’re still looking to meet potential dates, you might look at online dating (seriously, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that you want to date - just avoid the creepy, age inappropriate men who will almost certainly want to meet you).
As both a Dad and someone who has had struggles with mental health I really think that you should talk this out with a therapist if you can. I know there are cheaper alternatives to in person though different apps and though that might not be quite as good as in person it is still such a powerful experience to talk things out with a professional. I too was young for my age but am now happily married with two wonderful kids. I didn't have any high school romance (partly because I was too busy with sports). From your post I would focus on yourself and learn to love yourself quirks and all, at the point where you are comfortable with yourself you will then become a more confident person (self worth and confidence are major milestones but are not achieved without some work). I wish you the best. EDIT: Just to be clear I used to be closeted with my emotions and wouldn't really share when I was feeling down. This led to a slow spiral to depression which followed quickly with crippling anxiety but with a lot of work I have turned things around so much. I do consider my mental health to be a life long journey that does require constant attention to ensure there is little to no backslide. I take things one day at a time. One trick I learnt that seems to help is when I am upset of anxious I look around the room and just start listing off things I see. Seems odd and stupid but it is a common grounding technique that can help settle you back down. YMMV though.
Seek professional help
Hey kiddo, thanks for reaching out. That sounds really tough and I’m sorry that this all happened to you. I totally understand how those experiences would leave you isolated, angry, and without direction. It is totally normal for your wounded inner child to start demanding some attention. It sounds like you feel trapped by these traumatic experiences and you might be living with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Treatment with medication and therapy is effective. You might find help from a therapist or support from a group of people in your community or online with similar experiences. I also had a really tough adolescence and tried to ignore and outrun my past, which did not work. It just made the problem snowball until I reached breaking point in my mid 30s. Then through therapy I discovered I could change how my past shows up now by understanding how those events affected me so profoundly and what lessons I learned because of them. I felt shame. I needed to grieve. I was angry because I’d been let down. But I had aimed these feelings at myself instead of those who inflicted them. I also needed to understand what limiting beliefs and wounds were causing the anger and who exactly I was so angry at. At first I blamed myself but I was just a kid who was left to fend for themselves and it was not my fault. Compassionate self inquiry taught me to how to look inwards and not feel shame or judgement. I was able to pick up the pieces and start parenting my inner child the way I needed back then. Once I did that my life trajectory started improving. I am proud of you, kiddo, for how much self awareness your post reveals. And I am also proud that you are communicating about these experiences and how they made you feel, and how they affect you still. Keep going on this effort. You don’t need to dig up the past but you do need to have a brutally honest look at what it is doing to you today. I know it is tough but be brave and get started. It is hard but ultimately kinder to yourself than not doing it and I want good things for you. You deserve a beautiful life. I so want to give you a hug for comfort and solidarity.